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1
00:00:00,635 --> 00:00:03,837
Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
2
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,506
[Turns on vacuum]
3
00:00:16,540 --> 00:00:17,671
[Turns off vacuum]
4
00:00:17,705 --> 00:00:20,641
Just wanted
to make sure it was working.
5
00:00:20,675 --> 00:00:21,675
It's working.
6
00:00:21,709 --> 00:00:24,011
Glad something is.
7
00:00:25,046 --> 00:00:26,678
I don't come
to your place of business
8
00:00:26,713 --> 00:00:28,414
and bother you.
9
00:00:28,448 --> 00:00:30,316
You're our maid.
10
00:00:30,350 --> 00:00:32,697
I'm on break.
11
00:00:33,432 --> 00:00:35,801
Wow,
that is some wat.
12
00:00:35,835 --> 00:00:37,603
Are those real diamonds?
13
00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:38,940
Yes. Thank you.
14
00:00:38,974 --> 00:00:43,549
Must be nice.
15
00:00:44,583 --> 00:00:46,691
Melanie,
you have got to fire our maid.
16
00:00:46,725 --> 00:00:48,193
No, I'm not going
to fire Jacki.
17
00:00:48,227 --> 00:00:50,396
I've never fired anyone.
You do it.
18
00:00:50,431 --> 00:00:53,835
I can't.
I'm a celebrity.
19
00:00:53,869 --> 00:00:56,973
We all saw The Help.
20
00:00:57,008 --> 00:00:58,776
A cautionary tale
that when you fire maids,
21
00:00:58,810 --> 00:01:01,682
they write tell-all books.
22
00:01:01,716 --> 00:01:05,020
That's the message
you got from that movie?
23
00:01:05,554 --> 00:01:07,857
Well, that and the devastating
and lasting effects
24
00:01:07,892 --> 00:01:10,594
of Southern humidity
on your hair.
25
00:01:10,629 --> 00:01:11,596
I know.
26
00:01:11,630 --> 00:01:12,830
We'll get Joy to do it.
27
00:01:12,865 --> 00:01:14,165
Uh, no.
Won't work.
28
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:15,967
Jacki says she can't
understand Joy's accent.
29
00:01:16,001 --> 00:01:16,968
Anyway,
who are we going to find
30
00:01:17,003 --> 00:01:18,305
to replace her?
31
00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:20,440
Couldn't you just clean up
after yourselves?
32
00:01:20,475 --> 00:01:24,847
Elka, we are not
in the mood for jokes.
33
00:01:24,881 --> 00:01:26,317
Actually, you should
be the one to fire her.
34
00:01:26,351 --> 00:01:27,618
When we moved in here,
35
00:01:27,652 --> 00:01:29,419
you said that you were
the caretaker of the house.
36
00:01:29,454 --> 00:01:33,056
Hasn't that ship sailed?
37
00:01:33,090 --> 00:01:34,858
Shh,
I think the TV went off.
38
00:01:34,892 --> 00:01:38,394
She might be coming in here.
39
00:01:38,429 --> 00:01:40,329
Oh, Jacki,
while you're up there,
40
00:01:40,364 --> 00:01:42,498
would you mind changing
the sheets on my bed?
41
00:01:42,533 --> 00:01:48,003
I'm sorry,
I don't speak your language.
42
00:01:53,278 --> 00:01:54,478
Thanks.
43
00:01:54,513 --> 00:01:57,515
Rick Springfield is
picking me up any minute.
44
00:01:57,550 --> 00:02:00,152
Oh, honey,
is it really Rick Springfield
45
00:02:00,187 --> 00:02:01,987
or just another guy that
you think
46
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:03,356
looks like Rick Springfield?
47
00:02:03,390 --> 00:02:05,124
Like pudgy Rick Springfield,
48
00:02:05,158 --> 00:02:07,760
or black Rick Springfield,
49
00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,028
or psycho Rick Springfield
50
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:11,163
who tried to choke you
in your sleep?
51
00:02:11,198 --> 00:02:12,999
He had night terrors.
52
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:17,336
Waking up next to you
who wouldn't.
53
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,874
Look, it really is him.
54
00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:23,876
I was downtown shopping,
and I saw someone
55
00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:25,311
who looked
like Rick Springfield,
56
00:02:25,345 --> 00:02:28,447
so I chased him
for a few blocks, as one does.
57
00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:29,649
Yeah, we remember.
58
00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:32,620
That's how you met rasta
Rick Springfield.
59
00:02:32,654 --> 00:02:34,955
But this time
it really is him.
60
00:02:34,990 --> 00:02:36,325
He's only in town
for one night.
61
00:02:36,359 --> 00:02:38,561
Some rock and roll hall
of fame thing.
62
00:02:38,595 --> 00:02:40,029
Oh, this date has
to go perfectly
63
00:02:40,064 --> 00:02:42,365
so I can live out
my high school fantasy.
64
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:47,004
Not graduating
in a maternity dress?
65
00:02:47,039 --> 00:02:48,006
No.
66
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:49,775
To sleep with Rick Springfield,
67
00:02:49,809 --> 00:02:51,076
which I plan on doing tonight.
68
00:02:51,110 --> 00:02:53,345
And I don't care
how sleazy that sounds.
69
00:02:53,380 --> 00:02:54,347
[Doorbell rings]
70
00:02:54,381 --> 00:02:55,949
Oh, my God,
that's him.
71
00:02:55,983 --> 00:03:00,087
Prepared
to be shocked and awed.
72
00:03:00,121 --> 00:03:03,057
Hi, everybody.
73
00:03:03,091 --> 00:03:07,194
Well, she's closer
than Chinese Rick Springfield.
74
00:03:11,791 --> 00:03:16,794
Sync, corrected by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
75
00:03:17,740 --> 00:03:20,776
Girls, you remember
my friend, Mamie Sue.
76
00:03:20,810 --> 00:03:21,877
Yes, hi.
77
00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:23,179
So Elka tells us
that you two are writing
78
00:03:23,213 --> 00:03:25,281
a radio play together again
for the senior center?
79
00:03:25,316 --> 00:03:28,952
Yes, this year we're adapting
Gone With The Wind.
80
00:03:28,986 --> 00:03:31,688
I know radio plays
are a little old-fashioned,
81
00:03:31,722 --> 00:03:35,625
but we have so much fun
writing them.
82
00:03:35,660 --> 00:03:37,227
We sure do.
83
00:03:37,261 --> 00:03:42,966
Although the pages you wrote
last night were total crap.
84
00:03:44,935 --> 00:03:46,169
Well,
yours were so bad,
85
00:03:46,203 --> 00:03:48,905
I'm using them
as placemats under our tea.
86
00:03:48,940 --> 00:03:50,974
Oh, you made tea.
87
00:03:51,009 --> 00:03:53,543
Yes.
Come on.
88
00:03:53,578 --> 00:03:55,112
[Doorbell rings]
89
00:03:55,146 --> 00:03:57,181
Now that's got to be him.
90
00:03:57,216 --> 00:04:01,519
Prepare to be shocked and awed.
91
00:04:01,553 --> 00:04:03,655
- Hey, Joy.
- Hey.
92
00:04:03,689 --> 00:04:05,590
Oh, my God.
You're Rick Springfield.
93
00:04:05,625 --> 00:04:07,426
Yeah, didn't
she tell you I was coming?
94
00:04:07,460 --> 00:04:09,561
- Yeah, but Joy has met
with so many guys who look--
95
00:04:09,596 --> 00:04:13,332
These are my friends,
Melanie and Victoria.
96
00:04:13,366 --> 00:04:15,000
- Hi, Rick.
- Hello.
97
00:04:15,035 --> 00:04:16,168
Loved your work on
General Hospital.
98
00:04:16,203 --> 00:04:17,536
Oh,
thanks a lot.
99
00:04:17,570 --> 00:04:19,772
Hey, is there
a rest room I can use?
100
00:04:19,806 --> 00:04:21,006
Down the hall to the left.
101
00:04:21,041 --> 00:04:22,975
Oh, Melanie,
that one's broken.
102
00:04:23,009 --> 00:04:25,577
Uh, use the one in my bedroom,
right at the top of the stairs.
103
00:04:25,612 --> 00:04:27,279
Thanks.
Nice to meet you.
104
00:04:27,313 --> 00:04:30,082
- Yes, nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
105
00:04:30,116 --> 00:04:31,383
That's so exciting.
106
00:04:31,417 --> 00:04:34,018
Rick Springfield is going into
your bedroom right now.
107
00:04:34,053 --> 00:04:36,688
I know.
Brilliant, right?
108
00:04:36,722 --> 00:04:38,556
I mean, let's face it.
109
00:04:38,590 --> 00:04:39,624
Look how nervous I am.
110
00:04:39,658 --> 00:04:40,825
I would have made
a complete fool
111
00:04:40,859 --> 00:04:42,761
of myself at dinner
and ruined everything.
112
00:04:42,795 --> 00:04:44,595
So, you're still going
to sleep with him?
113
00:04:44,630 --> 00:04:45,997
Why wouldn't I?
114
00:04:46,031 --> 00:04:47,932
Well,
he's incredibly rude.
115
00:04:47,966 --> 00:04:49,600
I mean,
when I complimented his acting,
116
00:04:49,634 --> 00:04:52,135
that was his cue
to compliment my acting.
117
00:04:52,170 --> 00:04:55,338
It's just common
celebrity courtesy.
118
00:04:55,373 --> 00:04:56,406
Well, I'll go up there
119
00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:59,542
and give him
a good tongue lashing.
120
00:04:59,576 --> 00:05:00,743
[Chuckling]
121
00:05:00,777 --> 00:05:02,611
[Cell phone chimes]
122
00:05:02,646 --> 00:05:03,746
Oh, it's Donald.
123
00:05:03,780 --> 00:05:05,347
He's apologizing
for running late.
124
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:06,380
Or, as he puts it,
125
00:05:06,382 --> 00:05:08,517
[Haughtily]
"Being dilatory."
126
00:05:08,551 --> 00:05:10,018
I take it
from your tone of voice
127
00:05:10,052 --> 00:05:12,854
you will not be misdirecting him
up to your bedroom?
128
00:05:12,889 --> 00:05:14,490
Well,
at first I was flattered
129
00:05:14,524 --> 00:05:16,892
that this big-time professor
found me interesting.
130
00:05:16,926 --> 00:05:19,227
I mean, he's so smart.
He knows so many things.
131
00:05:19,261 --> 00:05:20,461
So what's the problem?
132
00:05:20,496 --> 00:05:21,829
It's exhausting.
133
00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:22,964
I got tired
of hearing about
134
00:05:22,998 --> 00:05:26,533
what things are
vis-a-vis other things.
135
00:05:26,568 --> 00:05:28,402
It just makes me feel dumb.
136
00:05:28,404 --> 00:05:31,673
And not sexy-dumb,
which I'm fine with.
137
00:05:31,707 --> 00:05:33,008
Get out!
138
00:05:33,042 --> 00:05:34,910
Don't just burst into my room
without knocking!
139
00:05:34,944 --> 00:05:37,646
Hey,
is that Rick Springfield?
140
00:05:37,681 --> 00:05:40,583
Must be nice.
141
00:05:40,618 --> 00:05:42,319
[Door slamming]
142
00:05:42,353 --> 00:05:47,858
Glad I didn't waste
my time changing those sheets.
143
00:05:49,894 --> 00:05:51,962
And then
when Scarlett's father
144
00:05:51,996 --> 00:05:53,997
gets thrown from his horse...
145
00:05:54,031 --> 00:05:55,098
[Bottle crackling]
146
00:05:55,132 --> 00:05:57,733
See, that sounds
just like a neck breaking.
147
00:05:57,768 --> 00:05:58,734
Both: [Laughing]
148
00:05:58,769 --> 00:06:00,970
I have an idea, too.
149
00:06:01,004 --> 00:06:02,938
It'll help us appeal
to our younger audience.
150
00:06:02,973 --> 00:06:04,707
It would be great to see
151
00:06:04,741 --> 00:06:07,910
some 70-year-old butts
in the seats.
152
00:06:07,944 --> 00:06:08,911
What is it?
153
00:06:09,945 --> 00:06:12,952
One word: Vampires.
154
00:06:17,222 --> 00:06:19,891
There aren't a vampires
in Gone With The Wind.
155
00:06:19,925 --> 00:06:22,360
But there could be.
156
00:06:22,395 --> 00:06:23,962
Vampires are all the rage.
157
00:06:23,996 --> 00:06:28,900
For people who like
things that suck.
158
00:06:28,934 --> 00:06:31,836
Which I don't,
including your idea.
159
00:06:31,838 --> 00:06:35,272
The old biddy with no creative
vision says what?
160
00:06:35,307 --> 00:06:36,807
I'm creative!
161
00:06:36,841 --> 00:06:40,310
At least I don't wear
the same track suit every day.
162
00:06:40,344 --> 00:06:42,178
Better than
an appliqu� sweater
163
00:06:42,212 --> 00:06:44,180
you can see from outer space.
164
00:06:44,214 --> 00:06:45,881
[Bell dings]
165
00:06:45,915 --> 00:06:47,416
Oh, cookies are done.
166
00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:51,320
I doubled the recipe
so you can take some home.
167
00:06:51,354 --> 00:06:52,888
Oh, you spoil me.
168
00:06:52,922 --> 00:06:54,656
[Laughing]
169
00:06:54,691 --> 00:06:56,925
- Gorgeous legs.
- Hmm.
170
00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:58,126
Thank you.
171
00:06:58,161 --> 00:07:01,697
No, I was referring
to the wine.
172
00:07:01,731 --> 00:07:04,667
Yours are quite comely.
173
00:07:04,701 --> 00:07:06,235
[Inhales]
174
00:07:06,269 --> 00:07:09,438
Mm, what a nose.
175
00:07:14,376 --> 00:07:16,278
Me or the wine?
176
00:07:16,762 --> 00:07:21,216
Oh, my amusing poppet.
177
00:07:23,219 --> 00:07:24,486
Ah...
178
00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:26,721
That's just
how I dreamed of it.
179
00:07:26,755 --> 00:07:28,256
We only met this morning.
180
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:34,030
Uh, I napped earlier today.
181
00:07:34,414 --> 00:07:35,298
Oh...
182
00:07:36,132 --> 00:07:37,701
Where's your scar?
183
00:07:38,235 --> 00:07:39,302
What scar?
184
00:07:40,087 --> 00:07:41,905
The scar
from your motorcycle accident.
185
00:07:41,940 --> 00:07:44,342
1982,
I cried for a whole week.
186
00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:45,376
What's going on here?
187
00:07:45,411 --> 00:07:47,779
Uh...Oh.
188
00:07:47,813 --> 00:07:48,880
Oh, wow.
I gotta go.
189
00:07:48,914 --> 00:07:52,984
Call me.
867-5309.
190
00:07:53,019 --> 00:07:55,120
That's Tommy Tutone.
191
00:07:55,154 --> 00:07:57,255
No,
I'm pretty sure that was me.
192
00:07:57,289 --> 00:08:01,325
Rick Springfield.
193
00:08:01,359 --> 00:08:03,861
Well, I'm heading home.
194
00:08:03,895 --> 00:08:06,763
Although, it doesn't
seem like much of a home
195
00:08:06,798 --> 00:08:09,133
since my deadbeat husband
left me.
196
00:08:09,167 --> 00:08:11,869
Well, take care.
See you next week.
197
00:08:13,939 --> 00:08:15,507
Oh, uh,
198
00:08:15,541 --> 00:08:19,711
somebody accidentally broke
your trophy while dusting.
199
00:08:20,245 --> 00:08:23,982
Oh, my God!
You broke my Daytime Emmy?
200
00:08:24,416 --> 00:08:26,685
Sit down, Julie.
201
00:08:27,219 --> 00:08:28,220
It's Jacki.
202
00:08:28,254 --> 00:08:31,724
I said sit down!
203
00:08:31,758 --> 00:08:34,760
You can't put vampires
and Southern Belles together.
204
00:08:34,794 --> 00:08:36,829
- It's called a mash-up.
205
00:08:36,863 --> 00:08:38,497
Everyone is doing it.
206
00:08:38,531 --> 00:08:39,598
That's what you said
207
00:08:39,633 --> 00:08:42,334
when you wanted me
to get a microwave.
208
00:08:42,369 --> 00:08:44,369
Get a microwave.
209
00:08:44,404 --> 00:08:48,541
It's 2012!
210
00:08:48,575 --> 00:08:50,777
[Bottle crackling]
211
00:08:54,249 --> 00:08:55,549
How well this wine
212
00:08:55,583 --> 00:08:58,119
expresses
the terroir of the Dordogne.
213
00:08:58,153 --> 00:08:59,921
Oh, brother.
214
00:08:59,955 --> 00:09:02,657
Did you say something?
215
00:09:02,691 --> 00:09:04,325
Look, Donald,
we've had a lot of fun.
216
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,461
And I do appreciate
the reading list.
217
00:09:06,495 --> 00:09:10,098
Uh, but I just don't think
we're on the same page.
218
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:13,702
Oh, don't put yourself down
like that, Melanie.
219
00:09:13,736 --> 00:09:16,071
Okay. Wasn't.
220
00:09:17,105 --> 00:09:19,374
I just don't think
things are going to work out
221
00:09:19,409 --> 00:09:20,409
between you and I.
222
00:09:20,943 --> 00:09:21,643
You and me.
223
00:09:21,678 --> 00:09:23,011
Oh, my God.
224
00:09:23,046 --> 00:09:24,413
I'u trying to break up with you,
225
00:09:24,447 --> 00:09:25,614
and you're correcting
my grammar.
226
00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,049
What?
You'd rather be ignorant?
227
00:09:27,083 --> 00:09:29,951
Hmm,
I would rather be alone,
228
00:09:29,985 --> 00:09:31,819
so why don't you just go?
229
00:09:31,854 --> 00:09:33,955
Gladly.
230
00:09:34,989 --> 00:09:36,724
And to paraphrase Catullus--
231
00:09:36,758 --> 00:09:39,894
[groans]
Oh, get out!
232
00:09:39,929 --> 00:09:42,430
Folks,
nothing to be alarmed about.
233
00:09:42,464 --> 00:09:43,965
There was an armed robbery
in the area,
234
00:09:43,999 --> 00:09:45,967
and we're imposing
a mandatory lockdown
235
00:09:46,001 --> 00:09:47,539
until further notice.
236
00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:54,977
But he can go, right?
237
00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:58,013
Well, you can't fire me
because I quit!
238
00:09:58,048 --> 00:10:00,283
I never want
to see you again!
239
00:10:00,317 --> 00:10:02,618
That's still
too soon for me!
240
00:10:02,653 --> 00:10:06,823
Get out of my sight,
you fake Rick Springfield!
241
00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:08,724
- Out of my way--
- No, you can't leave.
242
00:10:08,759 --> 00:10:10,125
There's a manhunt going on.
243
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:11,560
The police have ordered
everybody inside,
244
00:10:11,594 --> 00:10:13,464
so nobody can go anywhere.
245
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,238
Well, this is awkward.
246
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:29,348
I can't believe it.
247
00:10:29,382 --> 00:10:31,683
Not only I didn't I sleep
with Rick Springfield,
248
00:10:31,717 --> 00:10:33,919
I don't even know the name
of the guy I did sleep with.
249
00:10:34,754 --> 00:10:37,925
Not now, Joy.
Some of us have new problems.
250
00:10:41,761 --> 00:10:43,897
Frankly,
I'm afraid for my life.
251
00:10:43,931 --> 00:10:45,531
The police have it
under control.
252
00:10:45,566 --> 00:10:46,966
Not from the criminal.
253
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,001
I'm scared of Jacki.
254
00:10:49,036 --> 00:10:50,903
I fired one of the 99%,
255
00:10:50,937 --> 00:10:54,272
and now she's occupying
our living room.
256
00:10:55,307 --> 00:10:56,908
I bet Donald's our there
right now
257
00:10:56,943 --> 00:10:58,410
judging us
for our lack of books.
258
00:10:58,944 --> 00:10:59,878
We have books.
259
00:10:59,912 --> 00:11:01,946
Yeah, but they're
coffee table books.
260
00:11:02,481 --> 00:11:04,783
They're not fooling anyone.
261
00:11:04,817 --> 00:11:07,518
We could be stuck here
for hours or days.
262
00:11:07,553 --> 00:11:08,886
How are we going to kill time
263
00:11:08,921 --> 00:11:10,355
without everybody
killing each other?
264
00:11:10,889 --> 00:11:12,056
We could play charades.
265
00:11:12,090 --> 00:11:14,526
This isn't some dinner party
gone flat.
266
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:16,428
No, it's eight people
trapped in a house
267
00:11:16,463 --> 00:11:17,896
who can't stand each other.
268
00:11:17,931 --> 00:11:20,299
Oh, so it's Thanksgiving.
269
00:11:20,334 --> 00:11:22,201
All right, all right.
270
00:11:22,236 --> 00:11:23,903
All right,
we are four intelligent women.
271
00:11:23,937 --> 00:11:25,038
Now I'm sure that we can come up
272
00:11:25,072 --> 00:11:27,741
with something a little
less lame than charades.
273
00:11:27,775 --> 00:11:30,277
- Movie?
- Movie?
274
00:11:30,311 --> 00:11:32,712
- Two words.
- Two words.
275
00:11:32,747 --> 00:11:33,981
Is it The Lion King?
276
00:11:34,015 --> 00:11:36,383
Yes!
277
00:11:36,417 --> 00:11:40,220
[Mockingly]
Is it The Lion King?
278
00:11:40,755 --> 00:11:42,989
Imitation is the highest form
of flattery.
279
00:11:43,023 --> 00:11:45,325
Not in this case.
280
00:11:46,359 --> 00:11:48,228
One point for
The Lion King.
281
00:11:48,262 --> 00:11:53,400
Or in your case,
the lying king.
282
00:11:53,434 --> 00:11:56,170
Somebody translate.
283
00:11:56,204 --> 00:11:58,039
- Well,
she's making a pun vis-a-vis
284
00:11:58,073 --> 00:12:00,741
the celebrated animated feature,
The Lion King.
285
00:12:00,776 --> 00:12:03,879
You know,
a lot of people regard puns
286
00:12:03,913 --> 00:12:05,280
as a lower form of humor,
287
00:12:05,315 --> 00:12:06,682
but Shakespeare would sometimes
288
00:12:06,716 --> 00:12:08,117
put as many
as three in a single line,
289
00:12:08,151 --> 00:12:10,155
so kudos to you, Joy.
290
00:12:12,689 --> 00:12:15,326
Shut up, Poindexter.
291
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,461
Oh, I don't know this one.
292
00:12:17,496 --> 00:12:19,798
Quelle surprise.
293
00:12:19,832 --> 00:12:21,099
Must be mine.
294
00:12:21,134 --> 00:12:25,303
"I wrote The Iliad
in the original Greek."
295
00:12:25,337 --> 00:12:29,340
Read this
in the original Greek.
296
00:12:29,375 --> 00:12:32,310
Bravo, Melanie.
297
00:12:32,845 --> 00:12:34,648
I'm not cleaning that up.
298
00:12:36,682 --> 00:12:39,484
Have you ever
cleaned anything up?
299
00:12:39,518 --> 00:12:42,353
- [Mockingly] Oh, the duchess
of stick-up-her-butt
300
00:12:42,388 --> 00:12:46,324
doesn't like the way I clean.
301
00:12:46,358 --> 00:12:47,525
If you can talk like that,
302
00:12:47,559 --> 00:12:49,660
you can understand
what I'm saying.
303
00:12:50,195 --> 00:12:51,831
Anyone?
304
00:12:53,865 --> 00:12:55,232
You're funny.
305
00:12:55,266 --> 00:12:58,235
Shut up,
fake Rick Springfield.
306
00:12:58,269 --> 00:13:01,037
Look,
my name is Tom Fontana.
307
00:13:01,571 --> 00:13:03,906
Who's Rick Springfield?
308
00:13:03,941 --> 00:13:07,676
You mean you've never heard
of Rick Springfield?
309
00:13:08,211 --> 00:13:12,749
Sorry, I'm not up-to-date,
rappin' granny.
310
00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:15,785
So you really just go around
311
00:13:15,819 --> 00:13:17,520
pretending
to be Rick Springfield
312
00:13:17,555 --> 00:13:18,889
and seducing women?
313
00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:21,491
Yeah.
314
00:13:21,525 --> 00:13:23,159
I mean,
women of a certain age.
315
00:13:23,193 --> 00:13:25,394
[Gasps]
316
00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:27,897
You did not just say that.
317
00:13:27,931 --> 00:13:33,935
[Overlapping arguing]
318
00:13:36,038 --> 00:13:37,405
What are
you guys so upset about?
319
00:13:37,439 --> 00:13:38,473
[Gunshot]
320
00:13:41,476 --> 00:13:43,415
So I guess the game's over?
321
00:13:47,834 --> 00:13:50,603
Sorry about that, folks.
That was just a misfire.
322
00:13:50,637 --> 00:13:53,807
The suspect is still at large,
so please remain inside.
323
00:13:53,841 --> 00:13:55,242
Before you go, just curious.
324
00:13:55,776 --> 00:13:59,413
What is the maximum penalty
for destroying an Emmy?
325
00:13:59,447 --> 00:14:01,915
How many years
is she looking at?
326
00:14:01,950 --> 00:14:03,217
Me?
327
00:14:03,251 --> 00:14:05,686
She has like about a thousand
unpaid parking tickets.
328
00:14:05,721 --> 00:14:08,856
Thank you so much, Officer.
We will remain vigilant.
329
00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:12,459
Look, I am sorry
I broke your stupid Emmy.
330
00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:14,059
But it was an accident.
331
00:14:14,595 --> 00:14:18,064
I've been a little distracted
since my husband left.
332
00:14:18,098 --> 00:14:19,765
I didn't know
you were married.
333
00:14:19,799 --> 00:14:21,567
See,
this is the thing with you.
334
00:14:21,601 --> 00:14:24,069
You don't know anything
about my life
335
00:14:24,104 --> 00:14:26,738
because you don't think
I'm as important as you.
336
00:14:26,773 --> 00:14:30,009
Oh, this is utterly,
completely...
337
00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:32,612
Maybe true.
338
00:14:32,646 --> 00:14:38,652
Oh, my God.
I'm the bad person in The Help.
339
00:14:39,888 --> 00:14:44,492
But in fairness,
you are terrible at your job.
340
00:14:44,527 --> 00:14:46,194
That's true.
341
00:14:46,229 --> 00:14:49,698
But maybe it's a way
to keep a little dignity
342
00:14:49,732 --> 00:14:51,599
and not feel like your slave.
343
00:14:51,634 --> 00:14:55,036
Oh, that's why you pretend not
to understand me.
344
00:14:55,070 --> 00:14:58,473
They come to our country.
They take our jobs.
345
00:14:58,507 --> 00:15:03,445
The least they can do
is learn to speak the language.
346
00:15:03,479 --> 00:15:06,047
I'm sorry, Jacki.
347
00:15:06,081 --> 00:15:08,049
I will try to treat you
as an equal.
348
00:15:08,083 --> 00:15:09,683
I've never treated anyone
as an equal,
349
00:15:09,718 --> 00:15:11,118
but I will try.
350
00:15:11,153 --> 00:15:12,520
Well, thanks.
351
00:15:12,555 --> 00:15:13,959
I'm sorry, too.
352
00:15:17,893 --> 00:15:19,727
Well?
353
00:15:20,262 --> 00:15:21,029
What?
354
00:15:21,063 --> 00:15:23,030
Well,
in the spirit of apologies
355
00:15:23,065 --> 00:15:24,165
that seem to be in the air,
356
00:15:24,199 --> 00:15:26,601
don't you owe me one?
357
00:15:26,636 --> 00:15:29,037
Okay.
Okay, here's the deal.
358
00:15:29,572 --> 00:15:31,340
I'm a tollbooth collector.
359
00:15:31,374 --> 00:15:32,408
Want to sleep with me?
360
00:15:33,442 --> 00:15:35,878
- Uh.
- Ah, I didn't think so.
361
00:15:35,913 --> 00:15:38,815
It's not a job
that attracts women.
362
00:15:38,849 --> 00:15:40,617
Every now and then,
a woman would tell me
363
00:15:40,652 --> 00:15:41,986
I kind of look like
Rick Springfield.
364
00:15:42,020 --> 00:15:44,955
So I grew my hair out
and copied his look
365
00:15:44,990 --> 00:15:47,958
and women started throwing
themselves at me.
366
00:15:47,992 --> 00:15:49,260
Isn't that rather shallow?
367
00:15:49,594 --> 00:15:50,628
Said the woman
who just wanted
368
00:15:50,662 --> 00:15:52,996
to sleep
with Rick Springfield?
369
00:15:53,031 --> 00:15:55,398
I just wanted to live out
my teenage fantasy.
370
00:15:55,433 --> 00:15:56,733
Me, too.
371
00:15:56,767 --> 00:15:59,103
My teenage fantasy is
to sleep with a lot of women.
372
00:16:01,137 --> 00:16:03,305
Can we look at this
as a win-win
373
00:16:03,339 --> 00:16:04,506
I suppose.
374
00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:05,907
Although
it's not very flattering
375
00:16:05,942 --> 00:16:07,608
that you'll just sleep
with any woman
376
00:16:07,643 --> 00:16:08,977
who comes up to you
on the street.
377
00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:09,978
Not any woman.
378
00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:12,213
I mean,
you're very attractive.
379
00:16:12,247 --> 00:16:14,382
Has anyone ever told you
you look like Kate Beckinsale?
380
00:16:14,417 --> 00:16:16,319
Yes!
All the time!
381
00:16:18,353 --> 00:16:20,287
Yeah.
382
00:16:20,322 --> 00:16:23,691
Actually, Melanie,
speaking of doppelgangers,
383
00:16:23,725 --> 00:16:27,262
first time I saw you
at the coffee shop,
384
00:16:27,296 --> 00:16:29,698
I remember being struck
by your resemblance
385
00:16:29,732 --> 00:16:32,634
to Titian's
Venus of Urbino.
386
00:16:32,668 --> 00:16:35,103
Well,
I'd be lying if I said
387
00:16:35,137 --> 00:16:36,437
I wasn't flattered by that.
388
00:16:36,472 --> 00:16:39,607
I'd also be lying if I said
I knew who that was.
389
00:16:39,642 --> 00:16:41,642
A really hot Italian chick.
390
00:16:41,677 --> 00:16:42,810
Oh, well, see,
391
00:16:42,845 --> 00:16:44,378
why can't you talk
like that all the time?
392
00:16:45,163 --> 00:16:47,415
I guess it's a bit
of a defense mechanism
393
00:16:47,449 --> 00:16:48,883
to cover up my insecurity.
394
00:16:48,918 --> 00:16:51,323
Oh,
you got a little one, uh?
395
00:16:54,857 --> 00:16:56,660
Good one, Jacki.
396
00:16:56,694 --> 00:16:57,828
Actually,
if you must know,
397
00:16:57,862 --> 00:16:59,131
I'm positively equine.
398
00:17:01,165 --> 00:17:03,834
I guess what I am is jealous.
399
00:17:03,869 --> 00:17:05,436
You're a published author,
400
00:17:05,470 --> 00:17:07,938
and I'm an author
with many rejection slips.
401
00:17:07,972 --> 00:17:09,373
Are you talking about
402
00:17:09,407 --> 00:17:11,341
200 Things Every Woman ShouldDo Before She Dies?
403
00:17:11,375 --> 00:17:13,009
I mean,
it's basically just a list.
404
00:17:13,044 --> 00:17:15,545
Actually,
it's delightfully well-written
405
00:17:15,580 --> 00:17:16,680
and inspiring.
406
00:17:16,682 --> 00:17:17,847
Thank you.
407
00:17:17,882 --> 00:17:19,316
Even though
I know you're just quoting
408
00:17:19,350 --> 00:17:21,451
Victoria Chase's blurb
on the back.
409
00:17:21,485 --> 00:17:22,652
Well,
if you're going to steal,
410
00:17:22,686 --> 00:17:24,321
steal from the best.
411
00:17:24,955 --> 00:17:26,960
That's what I always say.
412
00:17:33,062 --> 00:17:34,598
I'm jealous, too.
413
00:17:35,433 --> 00:17:36,700
Of you.
414
00:17:36,734 --> 00:17:38,168
Why?
415
00:17:38,202 --> 00:17:40,504
You and I used to be so close.
416
00:17:40,538 --> 00:17:42,806
But ever since
these girls moved in,
417
00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:46,043
you've gotten
alt hip and modern.
418
00:17:46,078 --> 00:17:48,446
And I'm afraid
I can't keep up with you.
419
00:17:49,230 --> 00:17:51,649
Mamie, that's crazy.
420
00:17:51,684 --> 00:17:53,985
You're still my best friend.
421
00:17:54,019 --> 00:17:58,356
Oh, Elka.
You batty old broad.
422
00:17:58,390 --> 00:18:03,228
[Laughs]
Oh, Mamie, you lovable ditz.
423
00:18:03,262 --> 00:18:04,228
[Knocking on door]
424
00:18:04,263 --> 00:18:06,064
I will get it, my friend.
425
00:18:06,098 --> 00:18:07,131
"Friend" is too far.
426
00:18:07,166 --> 00:18:10,101
Yeah, I didn't like it,
either.
427
00:18:10,136 --> 00:18:11,603
Oh, hi, Officer.
Any news?
428
00:18:11,637 --> 00:18:12,972
The suspect is in custody.
429
00:18:13,006 --> 00:18:15,407
You're all free to go.
Thanks for your cooperation.
430
00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:17,076
Well, thank you.
You guys are great.
431
00:18:17,110 --> 00:18:18,177
You're welcome, ma'am.
432
00:18:18,211 --> 00:18:19,278
I mean, miss.
433
00:18:19,312 --> 00:18:22,515
Hey, they got our letter.
434
00:18:22,549 --> 00:18:27,020
Well,
I guess that's good-bye.
435
00:18:27,054 --> 00:18:28,354
Well, no.
436
00:18:28,389 --> 00:18:30,523
You could stick around
and finish your glass of wine.
437
00:18:30,558 --> 00:18:33,327
Hey,
we could play another game.
438
00:18:35,861 --> 00:18:36,996
I like games.
439
00:18:38,031 --> 00:18:39,232
So do I.
440
00:18:39,266 --> 00:18:41,367
I have an idea.
441
00:18:41,401 --> 00:18:43,236
We could read
the play we wrote.
442
00:18:43,270 --> 00:18:45,205
Your version or mine?
443
00:18:45,239 --> 00:18:48,441
Let's make it a mash-up.
444
00:18:48,476 --> 00:18:50,176
And you guys
could be in it, too.
445
00:18:50,211 --> 00:18:52,248
You could all read parts.
446
00:18:54,982 --> 00:18:57,717
Or...
447
00:18:57,752 --> 00:19:00,387
To play devil's advocate,
we could not do that,
448
00:19:00,421 --> 00:19:01,955
and I could take you all out
449
00:19:01,989 --> 00:19:05,592
for a sumptuous repast
at Finique.
450
00:19:05,626 --> 00:19:07,164
That's brilliant.
Let's do that.
451
00:19:10,298 --> 00:19:11,599
We should have told them
452
00:19:11,633 --> 00:19:13,771
there were vampires
in our play.
453
00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:20,703
You were right.
Computers are amazing.
454
00:19:21,238 --> 00:19:23,907
Just don't
download Angry Birds.
455
00:19:23,941 --> 00:19:28,011
It's the mother
of all time-sucks.
456
00:19:28,045 --> 00:19:30,480
Let's read back
what we just wrote.
457
00:19:30,514 --> 00:19:34,351
I'll be vampire Scarlett,
you be vampire Rhett.
458
00:19:34,385 --> 00:19:38,020
[Deep voice]
"Evening, Miss Scarlett."
459
00:19:38,055 --> 00:19:39,655
"Oh, Rhett, what timing.
460
00:19:39,690 --> 00:19:41,528
"We just drained
a fresh yankee.
461
00:19:44,362 --> 00:19:47,998
Mammy's mixing up
bloody juleps."
462
00:19:48,033 --> 00:19:50,735
This is good.
463
00:19:50,770 --> 00:19:53,906
Speaking of juleps,
isn't it cocktail time?
464
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:57,477
After all,
we are writers.
465
00:19:58,011 --> 00:20:01,515
I still think we can kick
the script up a notch.
466
00:20:01,549 --> 00:20:04,350
What about a
vampire-on-werewolf love scene?
467
00:20:04,385 --> 00:20:06,820
How about we throw
in a cyborg?
468
00:20:06,854 --> 00:20:07,554
No.
469
00:20:07,588 --> 00:20:10,089
They didn't have
the technology to make cyborgs
470
00:20:10,124 --> 00:20:11,491
in the civil war.
471
00:20:11,525 --> 00:20:13,395
Get your head in the game.
472
00:20:14,929 --> 00:20:16,596
Well,
get your head out of your--
473
00:20:16,631 --> 00:20:18,034
Ooh, vodka.
474
00:20:20,068 --> 00:20:21,902
You know me so well.
475
00:20:21,903 --> 00:20:25,937
Sync, corrected by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
476
00:20:25,987 --> 00:20:30,537
Repair and Synchronization by
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