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1
00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:34,511
- Darling?
- As soon as I finish the chapter, honey.
2
00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:36,579
How many more pages?
3
00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:40,860
- About eight.
- Oh.
4
00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:44,455
- Shall we leave it till tomorrow maybe,
darling? - Sure. Okay, honey.
5
00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:48,134
- Night.
- Night.
6
00:03:24,238 --> 00:03:27,207
# Wow
7
00:03:27,274 --> 00:03:30,607
# What we need in the world today
8
00:03:30,678 --> 00:03:33,841
# Is a guide for the married man
9
00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:37,111
# Some simple thing that in every way
10
00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:40,642
# Would provide for the harried man
11
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:44,452
# Help him not to worry
12
00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:47,961
# Assist him to relax
13
00:03:48,029 --> 00:03:51,430
# Help him slow his heart rate
14
00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:54,957
# And spare him cardiacsYeah, yeah, yeah
15
00:03:55,036 --> 00:03:58,233
# Such a guide would in many ways
16
00:03:58,305 --> 00:04:01,934
# Turn the tide for the married man
17
00:04:02,009 --> 00:04:05,376
# Enable husbands to fill their days
18
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:09,007
# As only the married can
19
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:12,348
# Every man would praise it
20
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:15,856
# It's such a splendid plan
21
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:18,619
# Someday soon we shall point with pride
22
00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:21,661
# To the guide
23
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:26,325
# For the married man
24
00:04:40,915 --> 00:04:43,440
# By the side of the married man
25
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:47,214
# 'Tis the lady who shares his life
26
00:04:47,288 --> 00:04:50,485
# You help the bride of the married man
27
00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:54,324
# By removing the husband's strife
28
00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:57,523
# Every wife who's truthful
29
00:04:57,598 --> 00:05:01,125
# Who treasures married bliss
30
00:05:01,202 --> 00:05:04,660
# Must keep her husband youthful
31
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:08,265
# What better way than this
32
00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:11,277
# Each and every device we know
33
00:05:11,345 --> 00:05:15,372
# Should be tried by the married man
34
00:05:15,449 --> 00:05:18,213
# And who can question the debt he'll owe
35
00:05:18,285 --> 00:05:21,914
# To the guide for the married man
36
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:25,186
# It will list things universal
37
00:05:25,259 --> 00:05:28,922
# From Pittsburgh to Japan
38
00:05:28,996 --> 00:05:31,658
# And every man can be satisfied
39
00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:34,929
# By the guide
40
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,266
# For the married man
41
00:05:37,338 --> 00:05:40,307
# The married man, the married man
42
00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:44,071
# The married man, the married man #
43
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:57,214
- Hi, Mr. Manning!
- Hiya, Charlie baby.
44
00:05:57,291 --> 00:05:59,259
- Go get Debbie. Tell 'em we're waiting.
- Okay.
45
00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:02,261
And hurry back out.
Hiya, Paul.
46
00:06:02,329 --> 00:06:06,197
- Hi, Ed. Nice morning, isn't it?
- Beautiful.
47
00:06:06,267 --> 00:06:08,201
- How's Ruth?
- Fine. Harriet?
48
00:06:08,269 --> 00:06:10,260
Fine. Oh, that reminds me.
49
00:06:10,337 --> 00:06:13,568
Look, if it should happen to come up,
I had lunch with you yesterday.
50
00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:16,474
Yesterday? No, no, no.
That was Thursday.
51
00:06:16,544 --> 00:06:19,570
- Yesterday, I had lunch with...
- With me, Paul. With me.
52
00:06:23,017 --> 00:06:26,248
Oh. Yeah.
53
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,213
Who was she, Ed?
54
00:06:29,290 --> 00:06:31,690
When I left the barbershop
a few days ago...
55
00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:33,693
there was this lady traffic cop...
56
00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:35,991
and she was writing me out
a parking ticket.
57
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:43,996
- Hi, Daddy! Hi, Daddy!
- Daddy! Hi!
58
00:06:44,071 --> 00:06:46,005
But how did you know
she'd be willing?
59
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,871
After a while, you sort of begin
to develop a nose for it.
60
00:06:48,943 --> 00:06:51,503
Yes, but at the beginning,
the first time, for instance.
61
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:53,604
How did you know
the first time?
62
00:06:53,681 --> 00:06:56,206
- Instinct.
- Hey, Daddy! Daddy, look!
63
00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:58,217
Well, what if you don't have instinct?
64
00:06:58,285 --> 00:07:01,186
You have to sort of put out feelers.
You know, a little joke first.
65
00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:03,348
- What?
- You have to sort of put out feelers.
66
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:06,723
- A little joke first, and then you...
- Joke?
67
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:09,524
- You can joke at a time like that?
- Why not?
68
00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:13,863
I don't know. I just thought
you'd be too, uh, scar... too fri...
69
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:17,768
- Do you have to take her out first?
- Daddy!
70
00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:21,467
But what if someone recognizes your car
in front of the motel?
71
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:24,272
Let Hertz put you in the driver's seat.
72
00:07:24,345 --> 00:07:26,279
Daddy! Look at me.
73
00:07:26,347 --> 00:07:28,542
- Hi, kids. Hi.
- Hi, hi.
74
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:32,083
- Do all married guys do it, Ed?
- No, no.
75
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:34,586
Maybe there comes a time
in every marriage...
76
00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:38,284
when the guy considers it,
but not all of them give in to it.
77
00:07:38,359 --> 00:07:41,351
Only about 43%.
78
00:07:41,428 --> 00:07:43,794
Which I think is about to go up to 44.
79
00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:45,923
Huh? No, not me.
80
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,934
Never. Never in a hundred years.
81
00:07:48,002 --> 00:07:52,996
Never in a thousand years.
Never in a... million years.
82
00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:55,007
A million.
83
00:07:57,411 --> 00:08:00,005
Why, Ed? Why?
Why does a guy do it?
84
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,379
I can understand it if he doesn't like
his wife or he isn't happy at home.
85
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:07,477
But why if he loves his wife, if he's crazy
about her and glad he's married to her...
86
00:08:07,554 --> 00:08:09,749
and he never wants
to be married to anyone else?
87
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:13,088
- Why, Ed? Why?
- Lots of reasons.
88
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:19,092
A manifestation of latent insecurity.
89
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,136
Can't get better meat than that.
90
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,137
But you know something?
You'd get awfully tired of it...
91
00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:27,366
if you didn't have some fish
once in a while.
92
00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:31,708
Because she's there.
93
00:08:31,779 --> 00:08:36,216
- Is that why you do it?
- No, no, no, no.
94
00:08:36,283 --> 00:08:40,151
Remember how it used to be with a girl
when you first met her?
95
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:42,586
- Heart leaping with joy.
- Yeah.
96
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:44,647
A song on your lips.
97
00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:10,110
- I wanted to feel that again.
- Yeah. Feel that.
98
00:09:10,184 --> 00:09:14,416
- I knew I was right when I heard
what happened to this guy. - Uh-huh?
99
00:09:14,488 --> 00:09:16,479
Married 14 years...
100
00:09:16,557 --> 00:09:19,651
14 of the cleanest years you ever saw.
101
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:23,629
Never so much as looked at another girl,never mind the other thing.
102
00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:25,631
And then...
103
00:09:43,317 --> 00:09:46,343
Oh!
104
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:51,187
- No. - Yeah.
Right in front of his wife and everything.
105
00:09:51,258 --> 00:09:54,659
- Boy, oh, boy.
- I wouldn't wanna do that to Harriet.
106
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:56,958
And I'll tell you
a very interesting thing.
107
00:09:57,030 --> 00:09:58,964
- It helped my marriage.
- Really?
108
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:01,899
Uh-huh. Every once in a while,
I used to resent Harriet,
109
00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:04,802
like it was her fault
I was missing out on all the others.
110
00:10:04,872 --> 00:10:08,205
Now I haven't resented her
for six and a half years.
111
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,266
No kidding?
112
00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:25,147
- Right in front of his wife
and everything, eh? - Yeah.
113
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:29,889
Boy, I'd sure hate for me to do something
like that in front of Ruth and everything.
114
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:32,932
- Paul?
- Hmm?
115
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,867
- Are you trying to tell me something?
- No, no.
116
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:38,962
It's just that... I was thinking...
117
00:10:39,039 --> 00:10:42,998
Well, if it would keep a guy from doing
something like that in front of his wife...
118
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:46,239
- Maybe I'm just not...
- Beer! Popcorn! Peanuts! Cold drinks!
119
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:48,247
- Two beers, lady.
- I'll have two beers too, lady.
120
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,249
- Thank you, sweetheart.
- My pleasure.
121
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,785
Harriet says we'll be eating
in about an hour.
122
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,546
Right smack in front of her, huh?
123
00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:58,557
And it's clear to the naked eye...
124
00:10:58,625 --> 00:11:01,059
that you're gonna take the plunge
any day now.
125
00:11:01,128 --> 00:11:03,062
- I am?
- There's no doubt about it.
126
00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:05,064
I was the same way before I began.
127
00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:07,532
- Hey, fellas.
- Come in, Harriet.
128
00:11:07,601 --> 00:11:11,002
Them as wants their hamburgers
rare or medium rare better shake a leg.
129
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:13,562
- We'll be right out.
- Yeah.
130
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,609
Believe me, kid.
You're primed, ready and willing.
131
00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:21,410
Yeah. I'm afraid maybe I am.
132
00:11:21,482 --> 00:11:23,416
- Well, what about Ruth?
- Ruth who?
133
00:11:23,484 --> 00:11:26,783
- Ruth, your wife.
- No, no, no. You don't understand.
134
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:30,449
- That's not who I... Oh.
- That's right. Oh.
135
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:33,891
Never a second thought to maybe
she'll find out and cry and everything.
136
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:36,191
- But, Ed, you do it all the time.
- So?
137
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:38,788
So, aren't you afraid
you'll make Harriet cry and everything?
138
00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:42,233
No. Because I had enough
sense of decency.
139
00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:45,703
I loved Harriet enough to wait
until I learned how to do it well.
140
00:11:45,772 --> 00:11:47,740
Oh.
141
00:11:47,808 --> 00:11:49,799
That's why I want you
to promise me something,
142
00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:52,402
that you'll hold off
until I can give you a few pointers...
143
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:55,209
before getting
into the old ball game.
144
00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:57,978
Okay, Ed. You're the coach.
145
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,315
Will you look at that?
146
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:03,515
The poor kid.
Baby, your eyes must be killing you.
147
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:07,959
- Here. Here, let me do that.
- Thank you, darling.
148
00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:11,657
What a mess. Women shouldn't
be allowed near these things.
149
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:17,132
There's so much to know.
So much to know.
150
00:12:17,204 --> 00:12:20,640
Where to take her, how to choose her,
what to do if a man answers.
151
00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:22,641
- Hang up?
- Wrong.
152
00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:24,802
Ask to speak to Jack
and then say you got a wrong number?
153
00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:27,176
- What if his name happens to be Jack?
- Oh.
154
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:30,148
See? Already you're in trouble.
155
00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:33,345
What do you do if a man answers?
156
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:37,015
You put your hand over the mouthpiece
so he doesn't hear you breathing.
157
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:39,684
Then he'll think there's something wrong
with the connection...
158
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,352
- and hang up.
- Yeah.
159
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:44,522
Then, of course, you've got to get out
of the house at night...
160
00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:48,227
- without arousing suspicion.
- You do, don't you?
161
00:12:48,302 --> 00:12:51,169
Unless you're unemployed
and have your afternoons free.
162
00:12:51,238 --> 00:12:55,572
Oh. Well, I could say
that I was at the office working late.
163
00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:57,576
And what happens
if Ruth should phone you there...
164
00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,771
and find you're not there working late?
165
00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:04,374
- Oh. - Which brings us
to basic principle number one.
166
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,817
Never, never say you'll be...
167
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:09,720
where you can be found not to be.
168
00:13:11,425 --> 00:13:13,689
Yes. I can see that.
169
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:15,955
Boy, oh, boy. It gets
pretty complicated, doesn't it?
170
00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:18,793
Protecting your loved ones
is never easy, kid.
171
00:13:18,865 --> 00:13:24,326
Yes. Then how do you get out of the house
at night without arousing suspicion?
172
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:27,931
Well, it depends upon
the kind of wife you've got.
173
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:31,034
This guy I knew,
he invented a brilliant gambit.
174
00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:34,478
He used what he called
the "bust-up scene."
175
00:13:34,548 --> 00:13:36,209
He'd provoke a fight.
176
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:39,812
- Joe?
- Yeah?
177
00:13:39,886 --> 00:13:41,820
- Hi, baby.
- Hi, honey.
178
00:13:41,888 --> 00:13:43,822
- How are the kids?
- Fine.
179
00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:46,381
- Good. What's for dinner?
- Chicken.
180
00:13:46,460 --> 00:13:48,758
Chicken? We just had that
two days ago.
181
00:13:48,829 --> 00:13:51,559
No. That was last Thursday
we had chicken.
182
00:13:51,632 --> 00:13:55,568
- Are you callin' me a liar?
- No, honey. I just...
183
00:13:55,636 --> 00:13:58,366
A man kills himself workin'
for his wife and family all day long.
184
00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:01,601
What does he get when he gets home?
Chicken and insults.
185
00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:04,974
- Honey. - It's not bad enough
we have chicken every day...
186
00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:07,343
We do not have chicken every day.
187
00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:09,348
Why don't you learn how to cook
somethin' else for a change?
188
00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:11,509
I do! Yesterday,
we had pot roast.
189
00:14:11,585 --> 00:14:13,519
- That was pot roast, huh?
- Yeah!
190
00:14:13,587 --> 00:14:15,885
Tasted more like the pot
than the roast.
191
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:19,892
- Are you complaining about my cooking?
- Yes.
192
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,190
Well, if you don't like it,
why don't you go someplace else?
193
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:24,196
- All right! I will!
- All right! Go ahead!
194
00:14:24,264 --> 00:14:27,199
Aw, quiet!
195
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:28,419
Harry.
196
00:16:30,622 --> 00:16:34,581
- Hello?
- Baby. Baby, I'm sorry.
197
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:39,597
- Well, you ought to be.
- Yeah, yeah. I feel terrible, baby.
198
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:42,657
- I don't know why you put up with me.
- Neither do I.
199
00:16:44,236 --> 00:16:47,728
- Did you eat?
- Yeah. I caught a hamburger in some joint.
200
00:16:47,806 --> 00:16:49,740
Then I sort of just drove around.
201
00:16:51,476 --> 00:16:54,707
- I feel terrible, honey.
- Well...
202
00:16:54,780 --> 00:16:57,340
maybe we do have chicken
a little too often.
203
00:16:57,416 --> 00:16:59,748
No, no. Honey,
honey, it's not that.
204
00:16:59,818 --> 00:17:02,844
It's just this crazy temper of mine.
205
00:17:02,921 --> 00:17:05,389
I don't know why
I keep takin' it out on you.
206
00:17:06,658 --> 00:17:09,593
Well, maybe that's what a wife is for.
207
00:17:09,661 --> 00:17:14,598
- Oh, no. Honey, I love your chicken.
- Really, honey?
208
00:17:14,666 --> 00:17:17,726
But most of all, I love you, honey.
209
00:17:17,803 --> 00:17:20,397
I love you, honey.
210
00:17:20,472 --> 00:17:23,066
See ya tonight, baby.
211
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:37,684
Did you notice his useof the continuous-action verb
212
00:17:37,756 --> 00:17:40,054
"keep on taking it out on you"?
213
00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:43,322
Thereby setting it up for next time.
214
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:48,298
Yes. It's a pretty elaborate wayof doing it, isn't it?
215
00:17:48,367 --> 00:17:51,734
Yeah. Thereby proving
how deeply he cares for his wife.
216
00:17:56,174 --> 00:17:58,369
Hello, darling.
217
00:17:58,443 --> 00:18:00,377
Hello, honey.
218
00:18:00,445 --> 00:18:03,676
- What's for dinner?
- Vichyssoise, casserole cassoulet...
219
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,979
mousse � la russe and Irish coffee.
220
00:18:11,256 --> 00:18:13,190
- Well, that sounds expensive.
- Expensive?
221
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:17,752
A couple of potatoes, three-quarters
of a pound of sausage, four eggs.
222
00:18:17,829 --> 00:18:21,959
What-What kind of food
is that to give to a child?
223
00:18:22,034 --> 00:18:24,195
Deborah? She's already eaten.
224
00:18:24,269 --> 00:18:26,635
Cauliflower, creamed spinach
and lamb chops.
225
00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:35,344
That's the trouble with Ruth.
She's such a wonderful wife.
226
00:18:35,414 --> 00:18:38,178
Look, Paul, if you care enough
for your wife...
227
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:42,380
you can always find something about her
that you can't stand.
228
00:18:45,757 --> 00:18:49,124
Oh. Hi, darling.
229
00:18:49,194 --> 00:18:51,458
What are you so cheerful about?
230
00:18:51,530 --> 00:18:54,795
Did it ever occur to you
that I may not be feeling cheerful?
231
00:18:54,866 --> 00:18:57,892
No. You're much too selfish for that.
232
00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,996
Always thinking only of yourself!
233
00:19:01,073 --> 00:19:04,372
Well, if you think I'm just gonna
stick around here watching you be cheerful
234
00:19:04,443 --> 00:19:07,606
you're sadly mistaken.
235
00:19:07,679 --> 00:19:09,647
And I'm gonna come back
when I'm good and rea...
236
00:19:12,117 --> 00:19:14,745
Oh, I'm sorry.
Honey, I'm terr...
237
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:17,414
terribly... sorry.
238
00:19:19,424 --> 00:19:22,393
After the bust-up scene,okay, flowers.
239
00:19:22,461 --> 00:19:24,429
But if you didn't even do it.
240
00:19:24,496 --> 00:19:26,430
Maybe I'm just not cut out
for the whole thing.
241
00:19:26,498 --> 00:19:29,626
I mean, it's just that she's so sensitive.
Thank you.
242
00:19:29,701 --> 00:19:33,000
Sure. I understand, kid.
Harriet's the same way.
243
00:19:33,071 --> 00:19:37,007
If she weren't, would I make all those
sacrifices to keep her from finding out?
244
00:19:37,075 --> 00:19:39,441
Yeah. I suppose so.
245
00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:42,139
What would make a sensitive woman
like Ruth fight back?
246
00:19:42,214 --> 00:19:44,148
Well, I know what bugs Harriet.
247
00:19:44,216 --> 00:19:46,616
When I act like
I'm the lord of the manor...
248
00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:48,812
and she's a lowly peasant like...
249
00:19:48,887 --> 00:19:53,881
Once I complained that some men have a drink
waiting for them when they get home.
250
00:19:53,959 --> 00:19:56,154
Boy, did she give it to me.
251
00:19:56,228 --> 00:19:58,287
"Yes, Your Royal Highness.
252
00:19:58,363 --> 00:20:00,558
"At your service, Your Majesty.
253
00:20:00,632 --> 00:20:03,692
Your slightest wish
is my command, O big shot."
254
00:20:36,668 --> 00:20:40,297
Hi, darling. Darling!
255
00:20:40,372 --> 00:20:42,306
- What happened?
- Uh!
256
00:20:42,374 --> 00:20:44,467
- Are you all right?
- It's all right. I hurt my back a bit.
257
00:20:44,543 --> 00:20:46,807
- Nothing serious.
- Oh, your back?
258
00:20:46,878 --> 00:20:50,336
- Listen, Ruth. Some men...
- You poor dear. Shall I call the doctor?
259
00:20:50,415 --> 00:20:53,180
- No. Now, listen to me. Will you listen
to me? - Maybe some heating pads.
260
00:20:53,190 --> 00:20:55,090
- Some men, when they come home at night...
- I've got a better idea.
261
00:20:55,100 --> 00:20:57,750
- A steam bath. It'll soothe...
- A steam bath... Steam bath?
262
00:20:57,823 --> 00:21:00,257
- Uh-huh.
- Where you stay over all night?
263
00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:02,259
- Yes.
- For men only?
264
00:21:02,327 --> 00:21:04,659
Naturally.
265
00:21:04,729 --> 00:21:06,663
Darling.
266
00:21:07,666 --> 00:21:10,635
Oh.
267
00:21:10,702 --> 00:21:12,636
Oh, darling.
268
00:21:39,297 --> 00:21:41,857
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
269
00:21:41,933 --> 00:21:44,094
I think you've got big things
ahead of you, kid.
270
00:21:44,169 --> 00:21:46,501
Thanks, Ed.
I hated lying to her though.
271
00:21:46,571 --> 00:21:49,472
I know, but you gotta keep remembering
it's for her own good.
272
00:21:49,541 --> 00:21:51,873
Yes. That's true. I keep telling myself.
273
00:21:51,943 --> 00:21:53,877
Sure.
It's the least we can do for them.
274
00:21:53,945 --> 00:21:57,745
Mr. Manning.
Mr. Fordyce called.
275
00:21:57,816 --> 00:22:00,751
He wants to know whether it's right
to liquidate the Muriett Valley holdings.
276
00:22:00,819 --> 00:22:03,481
No, no. No, no.
Tell him, um...
277
00:22:03,555 --> 00:22:06,786
considering the prepaid interest factor...
278
00:22:06,858 --> 00:22:09,656
there's a distinct tax benefit...
279
00:22:09,728 --> 00:22:12,288
in waiting until the next...
280
00:22:12,364 --> 00:22:14,298
fiscal period.
281
00:22:14,366 --> 00:22:16,960
No, no. Tell him
I'll fall him. Uh, call him.
282
00:22:17,035 --> 00:22:18,969
Yes, sir.
283
00:22:21,273 --> 00:22:23,207
- No, Paul.
- Huh?
284
00:22:23,275 --> 00:22:25,209
- Uh.
- Oh. Why not?
285
00:22:25,277 --> 00:22:28,303
You're not ready yet, kid.
And about the steam bath, kid...
286
00:22:28,380 --> 00:22:31,577
there's one little improvement you can make,
if you don't mind my saying so.
287
00:22:31,650 --> 00:22:36,280
- No, no. Go right ahead. - Tell Ruth
that you're switching to a Finnish sauna.
288
00:22:36,354 --> 00:22:38,822
- A Finnish sauna? - Yeah, you know,
where they hit you with tree branches...
289
00:22:38,890 --> 00:22:41,051
while you're sweating it out.
290
00:22:41,126 --> 00:22:43,720
- Why is that better?
- Well, you never know.
291
00:22:43,795 --> 00:22:47,356
Someday, you may find yourself
with a friend who gets sort of carried away.
292
00:22:47,432 --> 00:22:51,630
The tree branches would explain the
scratches on your back.
293
00:22:51,703 --> 00:22:54,035
Oh.
294
00:22:54,172 --> 00:22:58,506
- A bottle of Old Ironsides, please.
Giant, economy size. - Yes, sir.
295
00:22:58,577 --> 00:23:01,671
- Aftershave lotion, worth
its weight in gold. - Really? Why?
296
00:23:01,746 --> 00:23:04,715
It's not very likely
that your wife and your friend...
297
00:23:04,783 --> 00:23:07,877
use the same kind of perfume, is it?
298
00:23:07,953 --> 00:23:10,319
Which can result in complications.
299
00:23:10,388 --> 00:23:12,788
Taxi!
300
00:23:18,029 --> 00:23:19,963
727 Seabury.
301
00:24:02,907 --> 00:24:05,102
W-Wait. Wait. Stop.
Hold everything.
302
00:24:22,027 --> 00:24:25,394
Didn't you ever see a man
lose anything before? Get going.
303
00:24:28,733 --> 00:24:31,964
- Hi, sweet.
- Oh, hello, dear.
304
00:24:32,037 --> 00:24:34,665
How was the P.T.A. meeting?
305
00:24:34,739 --> 00:24:37,731
- Oh, dull. Dull, as usual.
- Yes.
306
00:24:37,809 --> 00:24:40,004
Thank you for volunteering to go alone.
307
00:24:40,078 --> 00:24:42,012
Why should both of us be bored?
308
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:45,072
Certainly knocks you out though.
309
00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:47,084
I think I'll hit the hay.
310
00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:50,679
Well, you deserve it, dear.
Good night, dear.
311
00:24:50,755 --> 00:24:52,780
Good night, sweet.
312
00:25:01,900 --> 00:25:04,767
That's when I realized
some defensive measure had to be taken.
313
00:25:04,836 --> 00:25:08,431
I tried dozens of them
before I found Old Ironsides.
314
00:25:08,506 --> 00:25:11,236
Really? What do you think
makes it so special?
315
00:25:11,309 --> 00:25:14,073
- Here. Smell it.
- Wow.
316
00:25:14,145 --> 00:25:16,773
The most powerful aftershave lotion
on the market.
317
00:25:16,848 --> 00:25:20,648
A few drops of this, and you "outsmell"
any woman's perfume ever invented.
318
00:25:20,719 --> 00:25:24,177
- No kidding?
- Yeah.
319
00:25:24,255 --> 00:25:26,280
- Hey. There's Irma Johnson.
- Who?
320
00:25:26,358 --> 00:25:29,122
- Irma Johnson. My neighbor.
- Where?
321
00:25:29,194 --> 00:25:31,185
There.
322
00:25:33,531 --> 00:25:35,965
Come on.
323
00:25:36,034 --> 00:25:37,968
What big eyes you have, Grandma.
324
00:25:38,036 --> 00:25:40,869
Huh? Yeah. Yeah.I have very big eyes.
325
00:25:40,939 --> 00:25:42,907
Your memory isn't bad either.
326
00:25:42,974 --> 00:25:44,703
Yeah, well, I, uh...
327
00:25:44,776 --> 00:25:48,268
- Hi.
- Hi.
328
00:25:48,346 --> 00:25:51,076
- How nice to see you.
- Really?
329
00:25:51,149 --> 00:25:53,709
It's nice to be seen.
330
00:25:53,785 --> 00:25:58,279
- Irma Johnson, my neighbor,
I'd like you to meet, uh... - Ed Stander.
331
00:25:58,356 --> 00:26:00,586
- Nice to meet you, Mrs. Johnson.
- Nice meeting you too.
332
00:26:00,658 --> 00:26:03,627
We were just on our way to lunch
when I happened to recognize you.
333
00:26:03,695 --> 00:26:06,220
From behind?
334
00:26:06,297 --> 00:26:08,857
Well, I have very big eyes.
335
00:26:08,933 --> 00:26:12,027
And deliciously long eyelashes
to go with them.
336
00:26:12,103 --> 00:26:14,765
- Really?
- Uh-huh.
337
00:26:14,839 --> 00:26:18,605
Well, it was lovely
running into you two.
338
00:26:18,676 --> 00:26:21,042
- Seriously?
- Yes.
339
00:26:21,112 --> 00:26:23,808
- Uh, nice meeting you too, Mr. Stander.
- Likewise.
340
00:26:23,882 --> 00:26:27,409
- Uh, toodle-oo.
- Toodle.
341
00:26:33,525 --> 00:26:35,254
Oh, boy.
342
00:26:35,326 --> 00:26:37,260
- What's the matter?
- What's the matter?
343
00:26:37,328 --> 00:26:39,694
You might as well be wearing a neon sign
announcing your intentions.
344
00:26:39,764 --> 00:26:43,165
- I'm sorry, Ed.
- It's those little things that count, kid.
345
00:26:43,234 --> 00:26:46,101
They're the difference between
a happy and an unhappy marriage.
346
00:26:46,171 --> 00:26:50,198
Yeah. I'll watch 'em, Ed. Listen,
can I get Old Ironsides in any drugstore?
347
00:26:50,275 --> 00:26:52,539
Oh, Paul, Paul. Baby, baby.
348
00:26:52,610 --> 00:26:54,771
- But you said that I ought to buy it.
- Sure.
349
00:26:54,846 --> 00:26:57,576
But we mustn't forget about Ruth,
must we?
350
00:26:57,649 --> 00:27:00,550
- Ruth who?
- Ruth, your wife.
351
00:27:00,618 --> 00:27:02,552
- Oh.
- What do you think she's gonna think?
352
00:27:02,620 --> 00:27:05,418
Think? Just because I change
my aftershave lotion?
353
00:27:05,490 --> 00:27:07,424
- Is that all you've done, Paul?
- Yeah, sure.
354
00:27:07,492 --> 00:27:10,757
- Yeah? Uh? Uh?
- Oh, you mean the back bit.
355
00:27:10,829 --> 00:27:14,265
Aw, come on, Ed.
Being careful is one thing, but this?
356
00:27:14,332 --> 00:27:17,597
She'd have to be clairvoyant
to connect the two.
357
00:27:17,669 --> 00:27:19,603
If she has to, she will.
358
00:27:19,671 --> 00:27:23,163
Now, Ed, you're being too careful.
359
00:27:23,241 --> 00:27:24,435
Too careful, huh?
360
00:27:26,144 --> 00:27:29,477
There was this guy.
He was a big movie star.
361
00:27:36,254 --> 00:27:38,188
Have a nice day, darling.
362
00:27:48,266 --> 00:27:50,860
There he is!
363
00:27:50,935 --> 00:27:54,496
Morning, Maddock.
364
00:27:54,572 --> 00:27:57,735
There you are, girls.
That's it for today, girls.
365
00:27:57,809 --> 00:27:59,777
Be good to your mothers.
366
00:28:09,854 --> 00:28:12,482
Hiya, Rance.
367
00:28:12,557 --> 00:28:15,651
Good morning, Rance.
Aw, you look great, Rance.
368
00:28:15,727 --> 00:28:20,096
Did you sleep well, Rance?
Can I do anything for you?
369
00:28:24,302 --> 00:28:27,430
Oh, that's a new kid
the studio just put under contract.
370
00:28:27,505 --> 00:28:29,837
Can I get you anything?
371
00:28:43,288 --> 00:28:45,222
Hiya, Bill!
How have you been?
372
00:28:45,290 --> 00:28:47,690
Hiya, Rance!
Good seein' ya.
373
00:28:47,759 --> 00:28:50,523
Oh, by the way, Rance, I'd like you
to meet a little friend of mine.
374
00:28:50,595 --> 00:28:53,723
Rance, this is Miss Stardust.
Miss Stardust, Rance.
375
00:28:55,800 --> 00:29:00,464
- Pleased to meet you, Miss Stardust.
- Likewise, Your Stardom.
376
00:29:00,538 --> 00:29:02,529
Rance, why don't you sit down
and join us for a minute?
377
00:29:02,607 --> 00:29:04,632
Okay, but, uh, just for a moment.
378
00:29:04,709 --> 00:29:07,735
How's Mrs. G, Rance?
Wonderful little lady.
379
00:29:07,812 --> 00:29:09,746
You're a lucky guy to have
a little lady like that.
380
00:29:09,814 --> 00:29:11,748
Loudmouth here tell you
how you can become a star?
381
00:29:11,816 --> 00:29:14,249
- You're the first one to know it, too,
aren't you Rance? - Okay? Good.
382
00:29:14,382 --> 00:29:17,943
A big star like myself
has to be very careful.
383
00:29:18,019 --> 00:29:19,953
So here's how we're gonna do it.
384
00:29:42,543 --> 00:29:46,377
- Flight 193 to Honolulu.
- Flight 8 to New York.
385
00:33:40,114 --> 00:33:43,709
And it's now costing him$3,000 a week...
386
00:33:43,784 --> 00:33:46,685
not to mention the house,
car, insurance policies.
387
00:33:46,754 --> 00:33:49,985
- Boy, oh, boy.
- Yeah. So repeat after me.
388
00:33:50,057 --> 00:33:52,787
- There is no such thing...
- There is no such thing...
389
00:33:52,860 --> 00:33:56,193
- as too careful.
- as too careful.
390
00:33:56,264 --> 00:33:59,633
- Good boy.
- Maybe I ought to switch to Old Ironsides.
391
00:33:59,700 --> 00:34:01,634
- Thank you.
- Yep.
392
00:34:01,702 --> 00:34:03,533
Maybe if you bought it for me...
393
00:34:03,604 --> 00:34:05,538
you know, sort of as a birthday present.
394
00:34:05,606 --> 00:34:07,665
Yeah, that would be better, but...
395
00:34:07,742 --> 00:34:09,710
Think how much still better it would be...
396
00:34:09,777 --> 00:34:12,405
- if Ruth herself were to get it for you.
- Ruth who?
397
00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:14,209
- Ruth, your wife.
- Oh.
398
00:37:34,448 --> 00:37:36,382
Good-bye, Deborah.
399
00:37:41,922 --> 00:37:45,824
Mommy, Mommy!Daddy smells!
400
00:37:45,893 --> 00:37:51,126
Well, it's really not nice to say that
about somebody, even a daddy.
401
00:37:51,198 --> 00:37:53,132
It might hurt their feelings.
402
00:37:55,669 --> 00:37:58,365
- May I help you, madam?
- Yes.
403
00:37:58,439 --> 00:38:01,670
What is the most powerful
aftershave lotion you have?
404
00:38:11,118 --> 00:38:13,712
I took one look at that babysitter,
and I thought to myself...
405
00:38:13,788 --> 00:38:16,484
"Thank goodness my son's
only eight months old."
406
00:38:19,059 --> 00:38:23,018
My babysitter calls me the day before and
tells me what to put in the refrigerator.
407
00:38:23,097 --> 00:38:25,531
That's Ed.
408
00:38:25,599 --> 00:38:28,659
- Hi, Harriet. Hi, Ed.
- Hi.
409
00:38:28,736 --> 00:38:30,670
- Hi, Ed.
- How are you, Paul?
410
00:38:33,908 --> 00:38:36,536
Boy, oh, boy.
Did I feel like an awful heel.
411
00:38:36,610 --> 00:38:38,840
If she knew, she'd thank you.
412
00:38:48,489 --> 00:38:51,458
Don't worry, girls. The fellas promise
to let their wives drive home.
413
00:38:51,525 --> 00:38:54,983
But who's going to drive the wives home?
414
00:38:55,062 --> 00:38:56,996
Two drinks, and Freddie thinks
he's Batman.
415
00:38:57,064 --> 00:38:58,998
Luckily, we don't have far to go.
416
00:38:59,066 --> 00:39:00,931
Who's the water and scotch?
Who's the scotch and water?
417
00:39:01,001 --> 00:39:03,993
...with his secretary for years.
418
00:39:04,071 --> 00:39:07,666
Secretary. Huh! My three-year-old son
can type better than her.
419
00:39:07,741 --> 00:39:10,710
- But he's not built like her.
- How can a woman be so blind?
420
00:39:10,778 --> 00:39:13,872
And any guy who doesn't let her know
he's married right off the bat...
421
00:39:13,948 --> 00:39:15,882
is just looking for trouble.
422
00:39:15,950 --> 00:39:18,475
I don't know, Ed.
You lose an awful lot of them that way.
423
00:39:18,552 --> 00:39:21,680
Better to lose one or two
than face something like this.
424
00:39:21,755 --> 00:39:25,191
Oscar J. Schwartzcoff,
2798 Coldhaven Road,
425
00:39:25,259 --> 00:39:27,489
is a dirty, double-crossing fink!
426
00:39:27,561 --> 00:39:30,928
Oscar J. Schwartzcoff,
2798 Coldhaven Road,
427
00:39:30,998 --> 00:39:33,762
is a dirty, double-crossing fink!
428
00:39:33,834 --> 00:39:35,734
...which has been known to happen.
429
00:39:35,803 --> 00:39:38,397
I'd kill mine if I even thought
he was doing it.
430
00:39:38,472 --> 00:39:40,406
- Not me.
- You wouldn't?
431
00:39:40,474 --> 00:39:43,932
No. As long as I didn't know,
I wouldn't care.
432
00:39:44,011 --> 00:39:47,071
- What would you do if you did know?
- Pretend I didn't.
433
00:39:47,147 --> 00:39:50,878
No. You're wrong, Ed. You take 'em
to the most popular place in town.
434
00:39:50,951 --> 00:39:53,112
Where you're pretty sure to get seen
by some bigmouth...
435
00:39:53,187 --> 00:39:55,212
who knows you and your wife.
436
00:39:55,289 --> 00:39:59,350
Maybe, but even if it does get back
to your wife, you can always counter with...
437
00:39:59,426 --> 00:40:02,361
"Would you have taken her to a place
where you were sure to be seen...
438
00:40:02,429 --> 00:40:05,455
- if it weren't absolutely innocent?"
- Yes, but...
439
00:40:05,532 --> 00:40:08,000
Yes, and your way, with the hideaway
you get seen...
440
00:40:08,068 --> 00:40:10,628
and it's prima facie evidence against you.
441
00:40:10,704 --> 00:40:12,695
Granted, but my way fixes it...
442
00:40:12,773 --> 00:40:15,742
so that it can't possibly get back
to your wife.
443
00:40:15,809 --> 00:40:17,834
Why? What guarantee have you got...
444
00:40:17,912 --> 00:40:20,847
that you won't get seen
in your crummy little hideaway?
445
00:40:20,915 --> 00:40:23,816
None. Except that, if you are seen
by someone in the hideaway...
446
00:40:23,884 --> 00:40:28,617
it's obviously someone else
who's hiding away, and who's he to talk?
447
00:40:28,689 --> 00:40:33,126
Because then he's got to explain
what he was doing there himself.
448
00:40:36,363 --> 00:40:39,196
And at 78, you'd think
they'd be finished with that sort of thing.
449
00:40:39,266 --> 00:40:41,200
As long as there's breath in their bodies...
450
00:40:41,268 --> 00:40:43,327
they're never finished
with that sort of thing.
451
00:40:43,404 --> 00:40:45,338
...basically not monogamous.
452
00:40:45,406 --> 00:40:48,170
Yeah. I suppose that's
as good a reason as any.
453
00:40:48,242 --> 00:40:51,541
...but when a man is 40,
he can still get a 20-year-old tootsie.
454
00:40:51,612 --> 00:40:56,777
- This 20-year-old chick... - A woman
would have to be in love first, but men...
455
00:40:56,850 --> 00:40:59,080
Yeah, but, fellas,
is the whole thing worth it...
456
00:40:59,153 --> 00:41:01,553
risking your marriage,
your home, your family?
457
00:41:01,622 --> 00:41:04,386
That's exactly what I say.
It's not worth it.
458
00:41:04,458 --> 00:41:06,392
Sometimes I wish I felt that way...
459
00:41:06,460 --> 00:41:10,794
and then I see a perky little thing,
and I get... Ooh.
460
00:41:12,132 --> 00:41:15,795
- But why? Why do they do it?
- Oh, lots of reasons.
461
00:41:17,738 --> 00:41:21,333
Because he thinks
he's God's gift to women.
462
00:41:23,644 --> 00:41:26,545
Because his wife didn't understand him.
463
00:41:26,613 --> 00:41:28,547
The lucky girl.
464
00:41:31,719 --> 00:41:34,415
Because he was a louse.
465
00:41:34,488 --> 00:41:37,480
- Isn't it funny how we
happen to leave the house...
466
00:41:37,558 --> 00:41:40,254
at the same time every morning?
467
00:41:40,327 --> 00:41:42,261
Maybe it's fate, doll.
468
00:41:42,329 --> 00:41:45,787
If it is, it's a fate better than death.
469
00:41:45,866 --> 00:41:49,324
- You are a devil, aren't you?
- Really?
470
00:41:49,403 --> 00:41:52,668
A big-eyed, long-lashed devil.
471
00:41:52,740 --> 00:41:55,004
- Seriously?
- Uh-huh.
472
00:41:55,075 --> 00:41:59,444
- Do you believe in flaunting fate,
Mr. Devil? - Well, I, uh...
473
00:41:59,513 --> 00:42:01,447
- I don't.
- Me neither.
474
00:42:01,515 --> 00:42:04,348
Then maybe you can give me a lift
some morning.
475
00:42:04,418 --> 00:42:06,648
- I can?
- Why not?
476
00:42:06,720 --> 00:42:10,247
I could certainly use a lift
some mornings.
477
00:42:10,324 --> 00:42:12,417
Yes. Who couldn't?
478
00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:35,214
Big fella.
479
00:42:35,282 --> 00:42:37,443
Who was the sexiest lady there tonight?
480
00:42:37,518 --> 00:42:39,577
- You, dear.
- Really?
481
00:42:39,653 --> 00:42:42,816
Yeah, sure.
482
00:42:42,890 --> 00:42:44,824
Did you like the way I looked?
483
00:42:44,892 --> 00:42:46,826
Yeah, great.
484
00:42:46,894 --> 00:42:49,055
- How about my hair?
- How about it?
485
00:42:51,065 --> 00:42:54,034
- Do you like it this way?
- Yeah, great.
486
00:42:54,101 --> 00:42:56,331
How am I wearing it?
487
00:42:56,403 --> 00:42:59,463
Uh, up-up there somewhere.
488
00:42:59,540 --> 00:43:03,032
That's close.
And what was I wearing tonight?
489
00:43:03,110 --> 00:43:05,044
- Wearing?
- Uh-huh.
490
00:43:05,112 --> 00:43:07,580
Well, um, three-piece suit.
491
00:43:07,648 --> 00:43:10,515
Uh, silver-lam� jacket
with long sleeves.
492
00:43:10,584 --> 00:43:12,984
Under that,
a sleeveless-shell blouse...
493
00:43:13,053 --> 00:43:16,216
with black striped bandsat the neck and waist.
494
00:43:16,290 --> 00:43:20,021
Rhinestone earringsand black velvet headband.
495
00:43:20,094 --> 00:43:23,530
Silver handbag.Silver shoes with matching bows...
496
00:43:23,597 --> 00:43:26,498
and fashionable heelswith sling straps.
497
00:43:26,567 --> 00:43:29,695
And straight, hip-hugging skirt.
498
00:43:30,704 --> 00:43:32,763
Here you are, baby.
499
00:43:34,408 --> 00:43:36,342
Mm.
500
00:43:37,344 --> 00:43:39,278
- Pussycat.
- Yeah?
501
00:43:39,346 --> 00:43:41,507
If you had your choice
among all the girls at the party tonight...
502
00:43:41,582 --> 00:43:44,517
You. Of course.
503
00:43:47,087 --> 00:43:49,146
- And so would Harry Johnson.
- Oh, Ed.
504
00:43:49,223 --> 00:43:51,555
No. I know the type.
505
00:43:51,625 --> 00:43:54,025
Somebody else's grass is always greener.
506
00:43:54,094 --> 00:43:56,028
- Really?
- Yeah.
507
00:43:56,096 --> 00:43:58,291
That's why I want you
to be a little standoffish.
508
00:43:58,365 --> 00:44:02,233
You know, civil but with a touch of
you can't stand him.
509
00:44:02,302 --> 00:44:06,136
All right, darling,
but I can't really believe he's like that.
510
00:44:06,206 --> 00:44:08,333
Well, I don't trust him one inch.
511
00:44:08,408 --> 00:44:11,400
It doesn't matter about him, pussycat.
512
00:44:11,478 --> 00:44:15,141
- As long as you and I trust each other.
- Yeah.
513
00:44:15,215 --> 00:44:18,616
Darling, what were you men talking
so heatedly about tonight?
514
00:44:18,685 --> 00:44:22,212
Oh, baseball, the stock market.
You know.
515
00:44:22,289 --> 00:44:24,416
What were you girls talking about?
516
00:44:24,491 --> 00:44:27,892
Oh, kids, new styles.
You know.
517
00:44:27,961 --> 00:44:31,163
Yeah. Good party, wasn't it?
518
00:44:31,296 --> 00:44:33,423
Yes.
519
00:44:33,498 --> 00:44:37,559
Darling, who did you think was
the most attractive woman there tonight?
520
00:44:40,305 --> 00:44:42,102
You.
521
00:44:43,575 --> 00:44:46,009
- No. I mean it.
- So do I.
522
00:44:46,077 --> 00:44:48,068
Okay. After me.
523
00:44:56,988 --> 00:44:59,320
- Janet Brody.
- Really?
524
00:45:00,892 --> 00:45:03,417
Then how come you were dancing
with Irma Johnson all night?
525
00:45:03,495 --> 00:45:06,430
- Who?
- Irma Johnson.
526
00:45:07,966 --> 00:45:12,130
It wasn't all night.
And as the host...
527
00:45:12,204 --> 00:45:14,536
I really don't blame you, darling.
528
00:45:14,606 --> 00:45:20,044
She's very attractive,
even if a bit obvious.
529
00:45:20,111 --> 00:45:22,170
- Who?
- Irma.
530
00:45:26,451 --> 00:45:28,919
Mmm!
531
00:45:28,987 --> 00:45:33,048
And I thought I wiped the floor
with Harry Johnson last night.
532
00:45:33,124 --> 00:45:36,855
Didn't you? About the hideaway
versus the popular place, I mean.
533
00:45:36,928 --> 00:45:38,862
Yes, yes. I suppose so.
534
00:45:38,930 --> 00:45:42,127
Yeah. Of course,
he's still fairly new at it, but...
535
00:45:48,106 --> 00:45:50,074
Is something bothering you, kid?
536
00:45:50,141 --> 00:45:52,132
No, no. It's just...
537
00:45:54,145 --> 00:45:56,909
- I can't do it, Ed. I just couldn't.
- Oh.
538
00:45:58,750 --> 00:46:00,684
Every time I think of Ruth...
539
00:46:00,752 --> 00:46:03,983
how sweet she is, how trusting...
540
00:46:04,055 --> 00:46:08,151
I... No. No. Forget it.
541
00:46:08,226 --> 00:46:10,990
- Let's just forget the whole thing.
- Sure. Sure.
542
00:46:11,062 --> 00:46:13,656
I mean, you know...
I just can't do it.
543
00:46:13,732 --> 00:46:15,791
- I'm sorry, Ed.
- Sure, I understand, kid.
544
00:46:15,867 --> 00:46:19,303
Look, if that's the way you feel about it,
more power to you.
545
00:46:19,371 --> 00:46:22,829
Um, you'll need it.
546
00:46:26,478 --> 00:46:28,469
Uh, excuse me a moment.
547
00:46:33,485 --> 00:46:35,476
Over there. Look.
548
00:46:44,195 --> 00:46:47,494
Yes, I do.
549
00:46:47,565 --> 00:46:50,056
I know.
550
00:46:51,303 --> 00:46:53,294
Oh, that... Oh!
551
00:46:59,210 --> 00:47:01,178
No, uh...
552
00:47:05,583 --> 00:47:08,177
- How do you know where they are?
- Where what are?
553
00:47:09,187 --> 00:47:12,179
- The hideaways.
- Oh.
554
00:47:13,291 --> 00:47:15,259
You go hunting for them.
555
00:47:15,327 --> 00:47:17,989
When? I'm at work by 9:00
and home at 6:00.
556
00:47:18,063 --> 00:47:20,554
- So?
- So, when can I...
557
00:47:22,033 --> 00:47:23,967
Oh.
558
00:47:26,237 --> 00:47:28,171
Oh, yeah.
559
00:50:18,443 --> 00:50:21,742
Not only did I see him,
but so did everyone else in the place.
560
00:50:21,813 --> 00:50:24,145
Terrible. Just terrible.
561
00:50:24,215 --> 00:50:28,709
A guy like that should be prohibited by law
from swinging.
562
00:50:28,786 --> 00:50:31,584
Yeah.
Where'd he go wrong, Ed?
563
00:50:31,656 --> 00:50:35,023
Three places. First of all, he should
never have been in a place that well lit.
564
00:50:35,093 --> 00:50:37,857
Secondly, he should have been
in a corner booth with his back to the room.
565
00:50:37,929 --> 00:50:41,262
And thirdly, he owed it to his wife
not to show the white feather.
566
00:50:41,332 --> 00:50:43,698
But, Ed, he knew
he was in danger of being seen.
567
00:50:45,103 --> 00:50:47,094
That's when you separate
the considerate husbands...
568
00:50:47,171 --> 00:50:49,469
from the inconsiderate ones.
569
00:50:50,975 --> 00:50:53,205
Why? What would
a considerate husband have done?
570
00:50:54,279 --> 00:50:56,213
I'll tell you.
571
00:52:26,037 --> 00:52:29,200
You see, that way, there's something
clean and wholesome about it.
572
00:52:29,273 --> 00:52:33,903
- Yeah. There's something else that's
been bothering me, Ed. - Yeah? What?
573
00:52:33,978 --> 00:52:38,244
Well, the way some of you talk so freely,
like last night.
574
00:52:38,316 --> 00:52:40,876
Aren't you afraid that someone will,
you know?
575
00:52:40,952 --> 00:52:42,886
- No, of course not.
- Why?
576
00:52:42,954 --> 00:52:46,151
The code, Paul.
The code.
577
00:52:46,224 --> 00:52:48,920
- The what?
- The code.
578
00:52:48,993 --> 00:52:52,053
"Thou shalt not snitch
on thy fellow man."
579
00:52:52,130 --> 00:52:56,123
- Oh. Can you depend on it?
- Like a suit of armor, kid.
580
00:52:56,200 --> 00:52:59,829
In all my years in the game,
I never heard of anyone violating it.
581
00:52:59,904 --> 00:53:01,838
- Really?
- Yeah.
582
00:53:01,906 --> 00:53:06,002
- With two exceptions.
Your wife's worst enemy... - Yeah?
583
00:53:06,077 --> 00:53:08,011
- ...and her best friend.
- Oh.
584
00:53:08,079 --> 00:53:10,445
No. I'm sorry.
One more exception.
585
00:53:10,515 --> 00:53:13,006
Your enemy -
someone who's out to get you.
586
00:53:13,084 --> 00:53:15,279
I see. Well,
what do you do about him?
587
00:53:15,353 --> 00:53:18,447
Well, firstly, of course,
you try to keep him from knowing.
588
00:53:18,523 --> 00:53:20,718
- But sometimes you can't.
- So?
589
00:53:22,060 --> 00:53:24,722
In that case,
you try to get the same thing on him.
590
00:53:24,796 --> 00:53:28,596
But what if he doesn't, uh, indulge?
591
00:53:28,666 --> 00:53:30,600
- Misdirection.
- Misdirection?
592
00:53:30,668 --> 00:53:34,866
Yeah. Like, for instance,
these two guys I knew.
593
00:53:34,939 --> 00:53:37,737
One of them sold the other
a house full of termites.
594
00:53:37,809 --> 00:53:40,039
Boy, was the other guyout to get even.
595
00:53:43,281 --> 00:53:45,545
Behold.
The gates of paradise.
596
00:53:58,396 --> 00:54:01,797
Move it, baby!
Move it! And...
597
00:54:05,737 --> 00:54:08,604
Oh. The termite buyer.
Think. Think.
598
00:54:08,673 --> 00:54:11,870
Irving! Good to see ya!
599
00:54:11,943 --> 00:54:14,173
- I'll bet.
- Yeah.
600
00:54:14,245 --> 00:54:18,079
Poor kid. She thinks her husband
is shacked up in there with some broad.
601
00:54:18,149 --> 00:54:21,277
- Asked me to come along as a witness.
- I'll bet.
602
00:54:21,352 --> 00:54:24,480
I figure it's the least I can do
for the kid. My secretary. Works for me.
603
00:54:24,555 --> 00:54:26,955
Been with me for years.
Is that right, Miss, uh, Mrs. Crenshaw?
604
00:54:27,024 --> 00:54:29,788
Yeah, sure, babe...
Uh, Mr, uh...
605
00:54:31,028 --> 00:54:32,859
- I'll bet.
- Yeah.
606
00:54:32,930 --> 00:54:35,922
- Well, I figure it's the least I can do
for the kid. - I'll bet.
607
00:54:36,000 --> 00:54:39,936
Yeah. I...
Irving!
608
00:54:40,004 --> 00:54:42,529
- You're just the fella.
- Huh? For what?
609
00:54:42,607 --> 00:54:44,370
Maybe you could help the kid out.
610
00:54:44,442 --> 00:54:47,536
What for?
You're doin' pretty good for her.
611
00:54:47,612 --> 00:54:49,842
Oh, for heaven sakes, Irving.
612
00:54:49,914 --> 00:54:53,111
- She's my secretary.
Been with me for years. - I'll bet.
613
00:54:53,184 --> 00:54:56,483
Yeah. So, I figure my testimony in court
might seem prejudiced.
614
00:54:56,554 --> 00:55:01,287
But coming from you, a perfect stranger,
they'd have to believe you.
615
00:55:01,359 --> 00:55:04,726
You mean you want me
to break in on 'em with you?
616
00:55:04,796 --> 00:55:07,765
Would you, Irv,
as a personal favor to me?
617
00:55:08,866 --> 00:55:11,357
- Sure.
- Gee, thanks, kid. Come on.
618
00:55:11,435 --> 00:55:13,436
Come on!
619
00:55:14,570 --> 00:55:17,004
Believe me, Irving.
I really appreciate this.
620
00:55:22,778 --> 00:55:26,908
- Take a good look at him so you can make a
positive identification later. - Yeah. Yeah.
621
00:55:26,982 --> 00:55:28,916
- Seen enough, Irv?
- Yeah. Yeah.
622
00:55:28,984 --> 00:55:30,918
- Let's go!
- Just a minute!
623
00:55:30,986 --> 00:55:32,920
You people should be ashamed.
624
00:55:32,988 --> 00:55:34,979
- As you were.
- You said that he didn't...
625
00:55:35,057 --> 00:55:37,150
Shocking. Shocking.
Thanks, Irv.
626
00:55:37,226 --> 00:55:39,217
We'll get in touch with you
when we need you.
627
00:55:39,295 --> 00:55:42,560
Come, Mrs. Crenshaw. My lawyer's chambers
are just around the corner.
628
00:55:46,469 --> 00:55:50,064
So, you see, it's a matter
of keeping your wits about you at all times.
629
00:55:50,139 --> 00:55:53,074
Yeah, but what about
that poor man and woman?
630
00:55:53,142 --> 00:55:56,634
- Yeah. Really ruined their afternoon.
- I'll bet.
631
00:55:56,712 --> 00:55:58,646
Yes, sir, you've got to admit it.
632
00:55:58,714 --> 00:56:01,979
There's a man who proved
how much he really cares for his wife.
633
00:56:14,430 --> 00:56:16,591
You never know
what you may suddenly need.
634
00:57:11,620 --> 00:57:13,884
Yeah. I see what you mean.
635
00:57:21,063 --> 00:57:23,588
Could use a bit more practice...
636
00:57:23,666 --> 00:57:26,157
but not at all bad.
637
00:57:26,235 --> 00:57:30,569
- Thanks, Ed.
- Yeah. Not at all bad.
638
00:57:30,639 --> 00:57:32,971
- As a matter of fact, kid, you know what?
- What?
639
00:57:33,042 --> 00:57:35,636
I think you're ready for a trial run.
640
00:58:30,432 --> 00:58:32,366
Now, remember, from now on...
641
00:58:32,434 --> 00:58:34,959
- we simulate actual battle conditions.
- Roger.
642
00:58:35,037 --> 00:58:37,631
- And it's all your show.
- Wilco.
643
00:58:37,706 --> 00:58:41,267
Right. Now, what's your first move?
644
00:58:41,343 --> 00:58:44,335
The hideaway I finally dug up.
645
01:00:19,575 --> 01:00:22,100
Onward and upward.
646
01:01:41,790 --> 01:01:43,724
Candy?
647
01:01:49,431 --> 01:01:53,231
... and adheresto the television Code of Fair Practice.
648
01:01:53,302 --> 01:01:55,793
We are now signing off the air, and...
649
01:02:23,732 --> 01:02:27,099
Good morning, Ed. What time is it?
650
01:02:27,169 --> 01:02:29,660
8:10.
651
01:04:01,630 --> 01:04:05,088
Nothing? Absolutely nothing?
652
01:04:05,167 --> 01:04:08,500
Not an inkling of suspicion.
Not an iota of an inkling.
653
01:04:08,570 --> 01:04:10,663
Not an iota of an iota of an inkling.
654
01:04:10,739 --> 01:04:12,673
- Kid, I think you're ready.
- Really?
655
01:04:12,741 --> 01:04:14,470
- Really.
- Oh, boy.
656
01:04:14,543 --> 01:04:17,273
Which brings us to the hardest part -
the who.
657
01:04:17,346 --> 01:04:19,280
Excuse me. Mr. Manning...
658
01:04:19,348 --> 01:04:22,010
would it be all right
if I go out to lunch now?
659
01:04:22,084 --> 01:04:24,484
- Yes, of course.
- Thank you.
660
01:04:26,621 --> 01:04:29,112
- Uh, Miss Harris?
- Yes?
661
01:04:29,191 --> 01:04:31,785
- Uh, are you married, Miss Harris?
- No.
662
01:04:31,860 --> 01:04:33,851
- Would you like to be?
- Boy, would I.
663
01:04:33,929 --> 01:04:35,920
Yes. Thank you, Miss Harris.
664
01:04:39,401 --> 01:04:41,335
- There's your answer.
- Huh?
665
01:04:41,403 --> 01:04:45,271
Remember, I once told you you could count
on the code 100% with certain exceptions?
666
01:04:45,340 --> 01:04:48,173
- Yes.
- That's the worst one - the single girl.
667
01:04:48,243 --> 01:04:50,575
- You mean she'd tell?
- Like a shot!
668
01:04:50,645 --> 01:04:52,579
Why? What has she got to gain?
669
01:04:52,647 --> 01:04:54,706
The husband of the wife she tells.
670
01:04:54,783 --> 01:04:57,684
Oh, no. No, she would never
do a thing like that.
671
01:04:57,753 --> 01:05:01,746
No. Not directly,
but one way or another.
672
01:05:01,823 --> 01:05:03,757
Y-You know Clara Brown, don't you?
673
01:05:03,825 --> 01:05:07,317
- The one whose divorce case
you're handling? - Yeah.
674
01:05:07,396 --> 01:05:10,661
Anyway, one night
she caught her husband.
675
01:05:10,732 --> 01:05:13,132
And so, here I am.
676
01:05:13,201 --> 01:05:15,135
Well, what made you first suspect...
677
01:05:15,203 --> 01:05:18,434
that your husband was having an affair
with his secretary?
678
01:05:18,507 --> 01:05:20,634
Well, on this particular day...
679
01:05:20,709 --> 01:05:23,143
my husband told me he was going
to be working late...
680
01:05:23,211 --> 01:05:25,145
and for me not to wait up for him.
681
01:05:25,213 --> 01:05:27,545
Of course I didn't think
anything special about it.
682
01:05:27,616 --> 01:05:29,743
He worked late quite often.
683
01:05:29,818 --> 01:05:32,981
At about 11:30, I went to bed.
684
01:05:42,097 --> 01:05:45,760
- Hello.
- Sorry. Wrong number.
685
01:05:56,111 --> 01:05:58,238
Wrong number, my foot.
686
01:05:58,313 --> 01:06:02,306
Whoever it was obviously wanted meup and awake at that particular moment.
687
01:06:33,248 --> 01:06:36,581
You mean, as soon as you had
that wrong-number phone call, you knew?
688
01:06:36,651 --> 01:06:38,585
Yes.
689
01:06:38,653 --> 01:06:42,248
- That was terribly bright of you,
wasn't it? - No. Not really.
690
01:06:42,324 --> 01:06:46,158
You see, that's how I got him
away from his first wife.
691
01:06:47,395 --> 01:06:49,556
You mean, one should stay awayfrom single girls?
692
01:06:49,631 --> 01:06:52,464
Well, until one is a little
more experienced anyway.
693
01:06:52,534 --> 01:06:55,594
As a beginner, one is better off
sticking to the first principle.
694
01:06:55,670 --> 01:06:58,662
- First principle?
- Yeah. Never have an affair with someone...
695
01:06:58,740 --> 01:07:01,504
who doesn't have
as much to lose as you.
696
01:07:08,483 --> 01:07:11,714
A married woman hasas much to lose, doesn't she?
697
01:07:11,786 --> 01:07:13,777
Especially if she has children.
698
01:07:13,855 --> 01:07:17,256
- She has three.
- Well, that's a plus in her favor.
699
01:07:17,325 --> 01:07:20,021
- Sorry, darling.
- Soup's on!
700
01:07:20,095 --> 01:07:23,223
Come and get it!
701
01:07:23,298 --> 01:07:25,562
- Hey, let's go.
- Yea! Come on!
702
01:07:25,634 --> 01:07:28,967
Oh, it's about time.
703
01:07:29,037 --> 01:07:31,733
That's why I dropped that last pass:
malnutrition.
704
01:07:31,806 --> 01:07:34,798
- That's right. Women and children last.
- Mustard or ketchup, darling?
705
01:07:34,876 --> 01:07:37,606
Don't bother.
I'll take care of him.
706
01:07:37,679 --> 01:07:39,613
- Good, good.- Got any onions?
707
01:07:39,681 --> 01:07:42,809
- Ooh, give me some.
- A penny for your thoughts?
708
01:07:42,884 --> 01:07:44,977
- His or mine?
- Yours.
709
01:07:47,489 --> 01:07:50,481
And a dollar for yours.
710
01:07:51,893 --> 01:07:54,555
You better take another.
711
01:07:54,629 --> 01:07:57,860
You never know when you're going to need
all your strength.
712
01:07:57,933 --> 01:08:01,926
Ah.
713
01:08:05,540 --> 01:08:07,531
- There's only one trouble.
- Trouble?
714
01:08:07,609 --> 01:08:10,601
- Come here. Double jeopardy.
- Double jeopardy?
715
01:08:10,679 --> 01:08:13,978
With a married woman, you not only have to
guard against your wife finding out...
716
01:08:14,049 --> 01:08:15,983
but her husband as well.
717
01:08:16,051 --> 01:08:18,542
You see, she's preferable
to the single girl, of course...
718
01:08:18,620 --> 01:08:22,784
but your first time out,
well, you know how fond I am of Ruth.
719
01:08:22,857 --> 01:08:25,451
I'd like you to break in
the safest possible way.
720
01:08:25,527 --> 01:08:27,995
Yes, I see.
721
01:08:28,063 --> 01:08:30,361
- Oh, honey?
- Yes?
722
01:08:30,432 --> 01:08:33,265
- Is there an onion in that?
- Uh-huh.
723
01:08:33,335 --> 01:08:35,769
Honey, you know
it doesn't agree with you.
724
01:08:37,272 --> 01:08:39,206
Thank you, darling.
725
01:08:42,611 --> 01:08:44,545
What is the safest possible way?
726
01:08:44,613 --> 01:08:48,208
A divorc�e who's getting
more in alimony than you get in salary.
727
01:08:48,283 --> 01:08:51,013
You see, if she marries you,
then her alimony stops...
728
01:08:51,086 --> 01:08:53,452
and she has to lowerher standard of living.
729
01:08:53,521 --> 01:08:55,455
Then she's really got
something to lose.
730
01:08:56,658 --> 01:08:58,649
I see.
731
01:08:58,727 --> 01:09:00,991
But where do you find
such a person?
732
01:09:08,436 --> 01:09:10,370
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
733
01:09:12,774 --> 01:09:14,765
- Please.
- Thank you.
734
01:09:18,346 --> 01:09:22,177
Now then, what can I do for you?
735
01:09:22,246 --> 01:09:24,510
Well, I've just been divorced...
736
01:09:24,582 --> 01:09:28,074
and I get a very large sum of money
from my ex-husband every month...
737
01:09:28,152 --> 01:09:30,985
and I was hoping your firm
would manage it for me.
738
01:09:35,926 --> 01:09:39,259
We... would be delighted to.
739
01:09:39,330 --> 01:09:42,265
Now, if you would care
to give me some details...
740
01:09:42,333 --> 01:09:45,461
Wouldn't it be cozy
if we discussed it over lunch?
741
01:09:45,536 --> 01:09:48,528
Yes. Yes, that's exactly
what I was thinking.
742
01:09:48,606 --> 01:09:51,973
- Aren't you clever?
- Uh, well...
743
01:09:52,043 --> 01:09:53,977
we aim to please.
744
01:09:54,045 --> 01:09:57,208
- I'm sure you will.
- Thank you. Thank you.
745
01:09:57,281 --> 01:09:59,215
Thank you very much.
746
01:09:59,283 --> 01:10:01,547
Charming as well.
747
01:10:01,619 --> 01:10:04,452
I think I'm going to adore
being managed by you.
748
01:10:05,823 --> 01:10:08,314
Shall we then, Mrs. Montgomery?
749
01:10:08,392 --> 01:10:11,088
- Jocelyn.
- Oh.
750
01:10:11,162 --> 01:10:13,790
May you call me Paul?
751
01:10:13,864 --> 01:10:16,856
I'd love to, Paul.
752
01:10:23,174 --> 01:10:25,768
- Ed? Ed.
- Paul?
753
01:10:25,843 --> 01:10:27,777
- Ed.
- Over here.
754
01:10:27,845 --> 01:10:30,336
I got her, Ed -
a divorc�e with a big alimony.
755
01:10:30,414 --> 01:10:33,930
- Really? Bully for you! - How long
do I have to wait before I ask her, Ed?
756
01:10:33,940 --> 01:10:35,618
How long?
Because if I can do it soon...
757
01:10:35,686 --> 01:10:38,849
Ruth is going away for a few days
with the baby to see her mother...
758
01:10:38,923 --> 01:10:41,517
and I can take Jocelyn,
that's her name, Jocelyn,
759
01:10:41,592 --> 01:10:43,526
to the house instead of to a motel.
- What?
760
01:10:43,594 --> 01:10:46,586
- To the house instead of to a motel.
- Bite your tongue.
761
01:10:46,664 --> 01:10:48,996
Huh? What? What's the matter?
762
01:10:49,066 --> 01:10:51,830
After all I taught you, Paul...
763
01:10:51,902 --> 01:10:54,735
how can you let me down like that?
- Why? What did I...
764
01:10:54,805 --> 01:10:57,137
Oh, no. No, Ed.
765
01:10:57,208 --> 01:11:00,200
She hides in the backseat of the car,
under the lap robe.
766
01:11:00,277 --> 01:11:03,940
I drive it into the garage. Then we go
into the house through the connecting door.
767
01:11:04,014 --> 01:11:08,075
- Nobody would ever see her. - I don't care
if you could dematerialize her...
768
01:11:08,152 --> 01:11:11,417
and then rematerialize her
inside the house.
769
01:11:11,489 --> 01:11:13,753
You never use your place.
770
01:11:13,824 --> 01:11:16,759
- But, Ed...
- Never, I said!
771
01:11:16,827 --> 01:11:20,160
- I can tell you that Harold wishes
he'd listened to me. - Harold?
772
01:11:20,231 --> 01:11:23,029
Yeah. His wife and kid were away too.
773
01:11:23,100 --> 01:11:26,627
So he figured,
why not save the price of a motel room?
774
01:12:01,305 --> 01:12:03,239
Whee!
775
01:12:06,610 --> 01:12:08,601
Ah, ha-ha!
776
01:12:09,613 --> 01:12:11,604
Mm.
777
01:12:14,785 --> 01:12:17,117
- What you looking for, sweetie?
- My bra.
778
01:12:17,188 --> 01:12:19,179
Ah, ha-ha-ha.
779
01:12:21,425 --> 01:12:24,155
- Can't you find it?
- Uh-uh.
780
01:12:24,228 --> 01:12:26,321
Are you sure
you were wearing one?
781
01:12:27,731 --> 01:12:30,859
What kind of a girl do you think I am?
Of course I was!
782
01:12:30,935 --> 01:12:34,871
Just a minute.
Let's do this scientifically, eh?
783
01:12:34,939 --> 01:12:37,931
- Huh?
- Catch hold. Are you there? Huh?
784
01:12:38,008 --> 01:12:40,169
- No bra? Hmm?
- Oh!
785
01:12:40,244 --> 01:12:42,974
No. Not there.
786
01:12:48,018 --> 01:12:50,418
Ah, yeah. Here, huh?
787
01:12:53,123 --> 01:12:55,057
All right. Here we go.
788
01:12:55,125 --> 01:12:57,059
J-J-J-J-Just a minute.
789
01:12:57,127 --> 01:13:00,722
- Are you sure you were wearing one?
- Well, of course!
790
01:13:00,798 --> 01:13:03,631
Don't you remember, tiger?
791
01:13:06,103 --> 01:13:08,037
Ah.
792
01:13:08,105 --> 01:13:10,972
Perhaps in the heat of battle, eh?
793
01:13:14,512 --> 01:13:17,447
Hmm. I say!
794
01:13:19,517 --> 01:13:22,077
- It's getting light.
- Maybe I better go without it.
795
01:13:22,152 --> 01:13:24,677
What? Are you crazy?
796
01:13:24,755 --> 01:13:27,246
It's all right, tiger.
I've got another one at home.
797
01:13:27,324 --> 01:13:30,054
That is not what's worrying me.
What is worrying me...
798
01:13:30,127 --> 01:13:32,118
is my wife coming home and finding it.
799
01:13:32,196 --> 01:13:34,187
She'll just think it's hers.
800
01:13:35,766 --> 01:13:38,326
Don't be ridiculous.
801
01:13:38,402 --> 01:13:40,768
Excuse me.
802
01:13:55,352 --> 01:13:59,015
- We weren't anywhere near it, tiger.
- I know we weren't.
803
01:13:59,089 --> 01:14:01,421
And stop calling me tiger!
804
01:14:10,534 --> 01:14:12,525
And he never did find it...
805
01:14:12,603 --> 01:14:15,504
but he knows it's in there somewhere...
806
01:14:15,573 --> 01:14:19,168
and it's only a matter of time
till his wife comes across it.
807
01:14:19,243 --> 01:14:21,575
Boy, that must be murder on the nerves!
808
01:14:21,645 --> 01:14:24,808
Murder? Harold.
809
01:14:24,882 --> 01:14:27,942
Harold!
810
01:14:28,018 --> 01:14:31,112
- Yeah?
- I want you to meet a friend of mine.
811
01:14:42,066 --> 01:14:44,000
Paul, this is Harold.
812
01:14:44,068 --> 01:14:46,002
- Harold.
- Yeah?
813
01:14:46,070 --> 01:14:48,630
This is Paul.
814
01:14:48,706 --> 01:14:52,836
- Glad to meet you, Harold.
- Yeah. Yeah.
815
01:14:58,616 --> 01:15:02,074
How long ago did all this happen?
816
01:15:02,152 --> 01:15:04,086
About three weeks ago. Why?
817
01:15:04,154 --> 01:15:07,817
I had the impression he was a much younger
man. You know, "tiger" and everything.
818
01:15:07,891 --> 01:15:11,622
- How old would you say he is?
- I don't know. Seventy? Seventy-two?
819
01:15:11,695 --> 01:15:14,357
- Thirty-nine.
- No kidding!
820
01:15:16,100 --> 01:15:18,432
Still think you want to take her
to your place?
821
01:15:18,502 --> 01:15:20,493
No, no. No. Thanks, Ed.
822
01:15:20,571 --> 01:15:23,563
Boy, I don't know...
I don't know what I'd do without you.
823
01:15:23,641 --> 01:15:27,042
Well, you know how I feel about Ruth.
824
01:15:27,111 --> 01:15:29,636
Yes, I'm sure she'd appreciate it too.
825
01:16:11,055 --> 01:16:13,046
Tonight's the night, eh, kid?
826
01:16:13,123 --> 01:16:15,114
Hmm? Oh, yes. Yes, it is.
827
01:16:15,192 --> 01:16:17,353
- Relax. You're gonna be fine.
- Yes.
828
01:16:17,428 --> 01:16:19,692
- Uh, just a couple of points.
- Yes?
829
01:16:19,763 --> 01:16:23,426
- There's gonna come a time
when you want out. - Yes, I will. I will.
830
01:16:23,500 --> 01:16:26,663
- You know, that's a very tricky moment.
Very tricky. - Yes.
831
01:16:26,737 --> 01:16:29,331
You see, if you break it off,
she gets sore.
832
01:16:29,406 --> 01:16:33,001
- The "woman scorned" bit. "Than
which hell hath no greater fury." - Yes.
833
01:16:33,077 --> 01:16:36,638
You've got to work it
so that the idea to break it off is hers...
834
01:16:36,714 --> 01:16:38,648
she thinks.
835
01:16:42,152 --> 01:16:44,143
Is that you, sweet lips?
836
01:16:47,991 --> 01:16:50,482
- Yes.
- Oh!
837
01:16:50,561 --> 01:16:52,859
Mmm! Oh! Ooh!
838
01:16:52,930 --> 01:16:55,057
Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.
839
01:16:55,132 --> 01:16:57,123
Uh, honey.
Honey, wait a minute.
840
01:16:57,201 --> 01:17:02,036
Honey, would you mind
taking it just a little bit easier, baby?
841
01:17:02,106 --> 01:17:05,940
Sweet lips is tired
after his hard day's work, isn't he?
842
01:17:06,009 --> 01:17:09,968
- No, no. It's not that. It's just that...
- Just what, sweet lips?
843
01:17:10,047 --> 01:17:13,813
Well, I-I saw my accountant today,
and he said...
844
01:17:13,884 --> 01:17:18,378
Oh, but why should I bother your
pretty little head with a thing like that?
845
01:17:21,992 --> 01:17:25,553
Oh, honey? What do you think
we could get for this...
846
01:17:25,629 --> 01:17:28,223
from a secondhand shop?
847
01:17:28,298 --> 01:17:30,698
I don't know.
Two or three dollars maybe?
848
01:17:30,768 --> 01:17:32,759
Really?
849
01:17:32,836 --> 01:17:35,498
Sweet lips, is anything the matter?
850
01:17:35,572 --> 01:17:38,564
No. Look, it... Please,
don't give it a second thought.
851
01:17:38,642 --> 01:17:40,803
Nothing. Just because
my accountant said...
852
01:17:40,878 --> 01:17:44,370
that the tax department
made a big fuss about the...
853
01:17:45,649 --> 01:17:49,016
Hey, this... this ought to bring
a nice few dollars.
854
01:17:49,086 --> 01:17:51,919
Ollie! That's my graduation present!
855
01:17:51,989 --> 01:17:54,321
- Well, honey, we won't need it anymore.
- We won't?
856
01:17:54,391 --> 01:17:56,859
No. You see, the bed won't fit
into the new apartment.
857
01:17:56,927 --> 01:18:00,863
- New apartment? - Yes.
It's smaller than this one, of course...
858
01:18:00,931 --> 01:18:03,661
but I think we can fit in
a couple of army cots.
859
01:18:03,734 --> 01:18:06,897
You'll love the viewfrom the eighth floor...
860
01:18:06,970 --> 01:18:09,404
and the exercise'll do you a lot of good.
861
01:18:09,473 --> 01:18:11,168
Exercise?
862
01:18:11,241 --> 01:18:15,007
You see, this apartment was built
before they invented elevators.
863
01:18:16,079 --> 01:18:19,207
Ollie, are you in trouble about money?
864
01:18:19,283 --> 01:18:22,411
Oh, only temporarily.But don't worry, honey.
865
01:18:22,486 --> 01:18:24,613
- It won't really make any difference.
- It won't?
866
01:18:24,688 --> 01:18:27,248
No, because
we'll still have each other.
867
01:18:27,324 --> 01:18:29,724
- Oh, Ollie!
- Oh, that's all right.
868
01:18:29,793 --> 01:18:31,954
I'll get you one of my wife's coats.
869
01:18:32,029 --> 01:18:35,362
She was gonna give it
to the Salvation Army anyway.
870
01:18:35,432 --> 01:18:38,492
And then you'd be too self-conscious...
871
01:18:38,569 --> 01:18:41,538
to... to wear one of these coats to work.
872
01:18:41,605 --> 01:18:44,870
- Work?
- Yes. I got you this job.
873
01:18:47,544 --> 01:18:51,241
- Ollie, I've been thinking.
- Yes, honey?
874
01:18:51,315 --> 01:18:54,307
Well, you're going to have to give
all your attention now...
875
01:18:54,384 --> 01:18:56,318
to getting back on your feet,
aren't you?
876
01:18:56,386 --> 01:19:01,221
Oh, honey, only for...
for three or four years.
877
01:19:01,291 --> 01:19:03,589
So, don't you think
it might be better...
878
01:19:03,660 --> 01:19:06,151
if we didn't see each otherfor a while?
879
01:19:06,230 --> 01:19:08,562
Oh, that would be terrible!
880
01:19:17,541 --> 01:19:19,372
Yeah, I see.
881
01:19:19,443 --> 01:19:21,377
- Now just one final word.
- Yeah?
882
01:19:21,445 --> 01:19:24,073
- If Ruth should hear something
or should get suspicious... - Huh?
883
01:19:24,147 --> 01:19:26,809
It won't happen. I promise you.
But just in case...
884
01:19:26,884 --> 01:19:28,977
- Yeah?
- Deny, deny, deny.
885
01:19:29,052 --> 01:19:31,384
No matter what she knows
or thinks she knows, deny it.
886
01:19:31,455 --> 01:19:33,320
- What if she knows?
- You deny it.
887
01:19:33,390 --> 01:19:34,982
- What if she...
- Deny.
888
01:19:35,058 --> 01:19:36,992
- What if...
- Deny. Deny.
889
01:19:43,166 --> 01:19:46,465
- Charlie!
- What?
890
01:19:46,536 --> 01:19:48,527
What are you doing?
891
01:19:48,605 --> 01:19:51,267
- Where?
- There! With her!
892
01:19:51,341 --> 01:19:55,004
- Who?
- Her! How could you?
893
01:19:55,078 --> 01:19:58,809
- What?
- That!
894
01:19:58,882 --> 01:20:02,374
- When?
- When I came in, you and she were...
895
01:20:02,452 --> 01:20:05,319
- Who?
- You know very well who.
896
01:20:05,389 --> 01:20:07,584
That-That woman there.
897
01:20:07,658 --> 01:20:10,149
- Where?
- Charlie!
898
01:20:10,227 --> 01:20:13,560
- What?
- You and that woman!
899
01:20:13,630 --> 01:20:15,621
What woman?
900
01:20:17,134 --> 01:20:19,796
Th-The-Th-The one
who just left.
901
01:20:19,870 --> 01:20:21,861
When?
902
01:20:29,313 --> 01:20:31,907
- But, Charlie!
- What?
903
01:20:31,982 --> 01:20:34,246
Aren't you even ashamed of yourself?
904
01:20:34,318 --> 01:20:36,252
Why?
905
01:20:36,320 --> 01:20:38,311
Because of...
906
01:20:54,838 --> 01:20:57,102
- Charlie?
- What?
907
01:20:58,375 --> 01:21:01,208
What would you like for dinner?
908
01:21:02,913 --> 01:21:06,076
Perhaps the definitive applicationof the tactic,
909
01:21:06,149 --> 01:21:08,083
a classic of its kind.
910
01:21:08,151 --> 01:21:11,143
Now, there's a manyou've got to take your hat off to.
911
01:21:14,324 --> 01:21:18,226
Relax! Paul, relax.
You... You're going to be fine.
912
01:21:18,295 --> 01:21:21,287
Hey! You had the best teacher
in the world, didn't you?
913
01:21:21,365 --> 01:21:24,357
Yes. Yes, I did, didn't I?
I-I did. I...
914
01:21:24,434 --> 01:21:28,268
Hey, kumquats.
Ruth is crazy about these.
915
01:24:33,286 --> 01:24:35,277
Candy?
916
01:25:11,491 --> 01:25:14,153
Now, about your portfolio...
917
01:25:14,227 --> 01:25:17,560
I see substantial benefit...
918
01:25:17,630 --> 01:25:22,624
in tax-free municipal bonds...
919
01:25:29,676 --> 01:25:31,667
which are tax-free.
920
01:25:36,182 --> 01:25:38,844
I think you ought to know
I'm married.
921
01:25:38,918 --> 01:25:41,648
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thank you.
922
01:25:41,721 --> 01:25:45,384
I, uh... Wouldn't...
Wouldn't you rather be?
923
01:25:47,560 --> 01:25:49,619
Not at the moment.
924
01:25:49,696 --> 01:25:52,426
Oh, no, no. No, I-I mean...
925
01:25:52,499 --> 01:25:55,991
W-Wouldn't it be nice
to have a husband? Husband?
926
01:25:56,069 --> 01:25:58,060
I do.
927
01:25:58,138 --> 01:26:02,006
- Oh. Oh, in that case, I...
- You.
928
01:26:02,075 --> 01:26:04,066
No, no, no. That's not what I...
929
01:26:04,144 --> 01:26:08,410
I-I-I-I meant one of your own,
someone you can count on.
930
01:26:08,481 --> 01:26:11,041
I am counting on you, honey.
931
01:26:12,385 --> 01:26:14,717
No. No, I mean...
932
01:26:14,788 --> 01:26:18,656
I mean, someone you belong to...
933
01:26:18,725 --> 01:26:21,853
someone who cares about you...
934
01:26:21,928 --> 01:26:25,955
someone you're crazy about and
who you'd hate yourself if you hurt her...
935
01:26:26,032 --> 01:26:29,991
and all you want to do is
be with her always, only...
936
01:26:30,069 --> 01:26:32,560
and... Here.
937
01:26:32,639 --> 01:26:35,631
Here. Here-Here's a picture of her.
938
01:26:35,708 --> 01:26:38,871
Isn't she wonderful?
And-And that's my little daughter.
939
01:26:38,945 --> 01:26:41,436
- Open up in there!
940
01:26:41,514 --> 01:26:44,005
Come on! We know you're in there!Open up!
941
01:26:46,085 --> 01:26:48,349
-... a search warrant!- It's a private room!
942
01:26:51,090 --> 01:26:54,548
I'm gonna break that cameraover your head!
943
01:30:25,972 --> 01:30:28,463
# Each and every device we know
944
01:30:28,541 --> 01:30:32,341
# Should be tried by the married man
945
01:30:32,412 --> 01:30:35,404
# And who can question the debt he'll owe
946
01:30:35,481 --> 01:30:38,678
# To the guide for the married man
947
01:30:38,751 --> 01:30:42,653
# It will list things universal
948
01:30:42,722 --> 01:30:46,385
# From Pittsburgh to Japan
949
01:30:46,459 --> 01:30:49,394
# And every man can be satisfied
950
01:30:49,462 --> 01:30:52,056
# By the guide
951
01:30:52,131 --> 01:30:58,092
# For the married man #
76637
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