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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:24,859 --> 00:00:26,469 Today's a very special day. 2 00:00:26,513 --> 00:00:29,124 It's my master's Accession Day. 3 00:00:30,473 --> 00:00:32,840 It's the anniversary of when he was crowned 4 00:00:32,841 --> 00:00:35,260 Supreme Viceroy for Al Qolnidar. 5 00:00:35,305 --> 00:00:37,306 So it's kind of a big deal. 6 00:00:37,356 --> 00:00:39,664 His favorite. Crepe-y paper. 7 00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:42,973 Every year, I try to do something special for the occasion. 8 00:00:43,017 --> 00:00:44,311 The whole house gets into it, 9 00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:46,207 like, really into it. 10 00:00:49,298 --> 00:00:51,822 Yes! Oh, yeah! 11 00:00:51,865 --> 00:00:54,912 Colin Robinson gets, uh, 12 00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:56,348 a little too much into it. 13 00:01:24,158 --> 00:01:29,158 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.MY-SUBS.com - 14 00:01:34,647 --> 00:01:36,649 - Ah... - Oh, no. 15 00:01:36,693 --> 00:01:39,056 No. I-I don't think you should be wearing that turban again. 16 00:01:39,057 --> 00:01:40,972 Well, I think you need to do some research. 17 00:01:41,016 --> 00:01:42,365 'Cause not only is this turban accurate 18 00:01:42,409 --> 00:01:44,976 to the ancient civilizations of Persia, 19 00:01:45,020 --> 00:01:47,196 it also happens to be a gift from my good friend, 20 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:49,155 the Maharaja Duleep Singh. 21 00:01:49,198 --> 00:01:51,113 So if you have anything to say, 22 00:01:51,157 --> 00:01:53,246 - to either myself or the maharaja... - I just, it's not that. 23 00:01:53,289 --> 00:01:54,638 It was kept in storage in the basement, 24 00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:56,684 and the rats were nesting in there. 25 00:01:56,727 --> 00:01:57,902 Oh, right. 26 00:01:57,946 --> 00:01:59,513 Oh. Here it is. 27 00:01:59,556 --> 00:02:00,556 Let's go. 28 00:02:00,557 --> 00:02:02,211 Off you fuck. 29 00:02:02,255 --> 00:02:03,299 Hey, Master. 30 00:02:03,343 --> 00:02:05,519 ♪ The sun has set ♪ 31 00:02:05,562 --> 00:02:08,130 ♪ The stars have all come out ♪ 32 00:02:08,174 --> 00:02:09,827 ♪ To celebrate your big night! ♪ 33 00:02:09,871 --> 00:02:11,916 Happy Accession Day, Nandor! 34 00:02:18,445 --> 00:02:19,968 It's your big Accession Day, Master. 35 00:02:20,011 --> 00:02:21,970 - Did you forget? - No. 36 00:02:22,013 --> 00:02:23,711 Okay. 37 00:02:23,754 --> 00:02:25,408 Well, it's just one of those mornings, I guess. 38 00:02:25,452 --> 00:02:27,497 But the night's just beginning. 39 00:02:27,541 --> 00:02:29,238 - I'll bet. - Yay! 40 00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:31,719 I made you a little something, and I hope you like it. 41 00:02:31,762 --> 00:02:33,155 Great. 42 00:02:33,199 --> 00:02:35,331 Well, he didn't like that. 43 00:02:35,375 --> 00:02:37,464 ♪ Happy Accession Day ♪ 44 00:02:37,507 --> 00:02:39,857 ♪ Mr. Relentle... ♪ 45 00:02:39,901 --> 00:02:41,555 What's up with him? 46 00:02:41,598 --> 00:02:42,860 Colin Robinson, you can stop belly dancing. 47 00:02:42,904 --> 00:02:44,601 - He's not even in the room. - I know. 48 00:02:44,645 --> 00:02:46,255 This is just for me. 49 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:50,520 Another Accession Day. 50 00:02:50,564 --> 00:02:52,261 Pitiful. 51 00:02:52,305 --> 00:02:55,003 On this day hundreds of years ago, 52 00:02:55,046 --> 00:02:57,092 I rose to power in my country. 53 00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:59,921 Blah, blah, blah. Yada yada yada. 54 00:02:59,964 --> 00:03:04,055 It's just another milestone to celebrate for the rest of time. 55 00:03:04,099 --> 00:03:05,622 Believe it or don't believe it, baby, 56 00:03:05,666 --> 00:03:08,495 but vampire depression is the real fucking deal. 57 00:03:08,538 --> 00:03:10,105 The prospect of immortality 58 00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:12,063 can give some vampires the shits. 59 00:03:12,107 --> 00:03:14,718 They hate the idea of staring down life's eternal tunnel. 60 00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:16,851 What does it all mean? 61 00:03:16,894 --> 00:03:18,287 Nothing. 62 00:03:18,331 --> 00:03:20,681 When a vampire is depressed, 63 00:03:20,724 --> 00:03:22,944 - the best treatment is to avoid them at all costs. - Yeah. 64 00:03:22,987 --> 00:03:25,207 I'm 700 years old, 65 00:03:25,251 --> 00:03:27,122 and what have I got to show for it? 66 00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:29,690 I'm a fully grown vampire, and I still have roommates. 67 00:03:29,733 --> 00:03:31,605 I have no life partner. 68 00:03:31,648 --> 00:03:33,607 I have no living children. 69 00:03:33,650 --> 00:03:36,174 I have no one to share my dreams or my fears with. 70 00:03:36,218 --> 00:03:38,264 Sorry, Nandor. We were just... 71 00:03:38,307 --> 00:03:40,701 - I just have to check something, um... - Hurry. 72 00:03:40,744 --> 00:03:44,052 I mean, once you see Colin Robinson belly dancing a few times, 73 00:03:44,095 --> 00:03:46,489 the magic kind of wears off. 74 00:03:46,533 --> 00:03:51,538 It doesn't matter that I'm an infinitely powerful being. 75 00:03:51,581 --> 00:03:54,889 Doesn't mean anything when you live for eternity. 76 00:03:54,932 --> 00:03:58,588 Everything loses its meaning when you live for eternity. 77 00:03:58,632 --> 00:04:00,677 In all the years I've known Nandor, I've... 78 00:04:00,721 --> 00:04:02,288 I've never seen him like this. 79 00:04:02,331 --> 00:04:04,638 I think he might be having a midlife crisis. 80 00:04:04,681 --> 00:04:07,293 But he's immortal, so I guess... 81 00:04:07,336 --> 00:04:09,904 maybe more like a crisis-crisis. 82 00:04:09,947 --> 00:04:12,210 Nandor's in crisis. 83 00:04:12,254 --> 00:04:14,082 So, everyone, we have 84 00:04:14,125 --> 00:04:16,824 a very important Vampiric Council duty 85 00:04:16,867 --> 00:04:19,305 that I'm afraid is even too hard 86 00:04:19,348 --> 00:04:21,350 for my absolutely amazing abilities. 87 00:04:21,394 --> 00:04:24,875 Someone hasn't paid their Vampiric Council union fees in a while. 88 00:04:24,919 --> 00:04:26,877 Oh, no. 89 00:04:26,921 --> 00:04:30,098 Sometimes it is nice to tiptoe in and remind Nandor 90 00:04:30,141 --> 00:04:32,535 that, uh, he's very important vampire 91 00:04:32,579 --> 00:04:34,929 with very important jobs to do and... 92 00:04:34,972 --> 00:04:37,235 Also, collecting Vampire Council dues 93 00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:39,542 is basically vampire shit work. 94 00:04:39,586 --> 00:04:41,370 And I don't want to do it! 95 00:04:41,414 --> 00:04:43,459 But, you know, more the first thing, 96 00:04:43,503 --> 00:04:46,332 that I want to raise my-my friend up. 97 00:04:46,375 --> 00:04:48,290 So, who wants to tackle this one? 98 00:04:48,334 --> 00:04:49,813 Well, I don't know, milady. 99 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:52,599 Are you sure anyone here is up for this task? 100 00:04:53,904 --> 00:04:56,690 Oh, shit. Um, yeah... Oh. No, my darling. 101 00:04:56,733 --> 00:04:59,040 I wouldn't be man enough? 102 00:04:59,083 --> 00:05:00,911 Hmm. 103 00:05:00,955 --> 00:05:02,478 O-Oh. Uh... 104 00:05:02,522 --> 00:05:04,393 I-I would love to help you out, 105 00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:09,355 but I, too, fear I'm not, uh, man eno... whatever. 106 00:05:09,398 --> 00:05:11,182 No, that's right. You are very shit-stupid man, 107 00:05:11,226 --> 00:05:13,228 so you can't do it. 108 00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:15,317 How about you, Nandor? Bill collection? 109 00:05:15,361 --> 00:05:17,058 Okay, fine. I'll do it. 110 00:05:17,101 --> 00:05:18,407 There you go. Yes! 111 00:05:18,451 --> 00:05:20,061 It's a very special job, 112 00:05:20,104 --> 00:05:22,411 - and we need the most... - I said I'll do it! 113 00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:24,239 Give me that. Fuck! 114 00:05:24,282 --> 00:05:26,067 - Do you want me to come with you? - No! 115 00:05:33,553 --> 00:05:34,597 Ah. 116 00:05:34,641 --> 00:05:35,729 Oh, great. 117 00:05:35,772 --> 00:05:37,687 They have wellness vampires now. 118 00:05:46,261 --> 00:05:47,610 Um... 119 00:05:47,654 --> 00:05:49,569 You don't happen to know where I could find 120 00:05:49,612 --> 00:05:51,571 someone called Jan, do you? 121 00:05:51,614 --> 00:05:52,963 Thanks very much. 122 00:05:53,007 --> 00:05:55,401 The fuck is that? 123 00:05:58,491 --> 00:06:00,971 Come on, then. 124 00:06:01,015 --> 00:06:03,887 Stretch those out. That's what I want to see, yes! 125 00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:07,978 Stretch those hammies, feel the burn! Yes! 126 00:06:08,022 --> 00:06:11,547 - Um... - Oh, welcome. 127 00:06:11,591 --> 00:06:13,680 Sorry, I am just here for... 128 00:06:13,723 --> 00:06:15,508 Jan? 129 00:06:15,551 --> 00:06:18,380 Please join us, bring your cameras. 130 00:06:18,424 --> 00:06:21,078 - No secrets here. - Uh, no. 131 00:06:21,122 --> 00:06:25,474 - I am just here for your debt collection. - Take a seat. 132 00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:26,910 So... 133 00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:33,526 - What do we love? - To sweat. 134 00:06:33,569 --> 00:06:38,269 And how do we sweat? 135 00:06:38,313 --> 00:06:39,923 By dancing. 136 00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:42,796 And what do we say to newcomers? 137 00:06:43,449 --> 00:06:48,149 Welcome. You must stretch before you dance. 138 00:06:48,192 --> 00:06:52,066 Uh, like I said, as I was standing over there, 139 00:06:52,109 --> 00:06:55,330 I am only here to, uh, collect a debt 140 00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:59,029 for Vampire Council dues you haven't paid in 132 years. 141 00:06:59,073 --> 00:07:02,032 Oh, you must be mistaken. 142 00:07:02,076 --> 00:07:04,034 No vampires here, pal. 143 00:07:05,514 --> 00:07:08,386 But, you are Jan, yes? 144 00:07:08,430 --> 00:07:13,130 Yes, but I am no longer a vampire. 145 00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:16,960 That's... Wow. 146 00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:20,660 Eesh. You have all pulled your own fangs out. 147 00:07:20,703 --> 00:07:24,054 Very disturbing, uh, but it does not negate the fact 148 00:07:24,098 --> 00:07:27,536 - that, uh, you owe a great sum. - No sum to be paid, friend, 149 00:07:27,580 --> 00:07:31,018 for we are no longer vampires. 150 00:07:31,061 --> 00:07:35,718 We have become humans again. 151 00:07:35,762 --> 00:07:37,111 Mm-hmm. 152 00:07:37,154 --> 00:07:39,374 How is such a thing even possible? 153 00:07:43,683 --> 00:07:47,469 Welcome. Come on in, have a seat. 154 00:07:51,908 --> 00:07:53,562 Uh, no, thank you. 155 00:07:53,606 --> 00:07:56,696 As you know, being a vampire, I cannot eat or drink. 156 00:07:56,739 --> 00:07:58,654 Poor you. 157 00:08:04,617 --> 00:08:06,444 Ah... 158 00:08:06,488 --> 00:08:10,231 How long have you been caught up in this whole vampire trip? 159 00:08:10,274 --> 00:08:13,234 I have been a vampire for over 700 years, 160 00:08:13,277 --> 00:08:17,107 - if that's what you're asking. - Yes, but... one second. 161 00:08:17,151 --> 00:08:19,022 No, no, no, no, no, you need to select 162 00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:21,590 the Epson 4750 in the print queue window. 163 00:08:21,634 --> 00:08:23,592 Not the Bonjour printing. 164 00:08:23,636 --> 00:08:26,813 I am so sorry. One second. 165 00:08:30,686 --> 00:08:32,732 Ah... Tell me. 166 00:08:33,733 --> 00:08:37,737 Are you happy being a vampire? 167 00:08:37,780 --> 00:08:40,609 - I've had better days. - What if I were to tell you 168 00:08:40,653 --> 00:08:42,306 that there's another way? 169 00:08:42,350 --> 00:08:45,092 A way that you can walk into the sun. 170 00:08:45,135 --> 00:08:50,097 A way that you can become human again. 171 00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:52,534 I'd say you were full of shit. 172 00:08:52,578 --> 00:08:57,017 Eh... Well, perhaps this path isn't for you. 173 00:08:57,060 --> 00:08:59,976 This is a difficult and treacherous path, 174 00:09:00,020 --> 00:09:02,631 but the rewards... 175 00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:07,462 the rewards are unspeakably... 176 00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,725 delicious. 177 00:09:23,173 --> 00:09:25,785 So, after short deliberation... 178 00:09:25,828 --> 00:09:27,351 Yes. 179 00:09:27,395 --> 00:09:29,745 ...I have decided to join Jan and her community: 180 00:09:29,789 --> 00:09:31,660 the Formerly Fanged. 181 00:09:31,704 --> 00:09:33,357 The brochure is very persuasive. 182 00:09:33,401 --> 00:09:37,666 I am skeptical by nature, but this Jan, 183 00:09:37,710 --> 00:09:40,756 she's really speaking to me, you know? 184 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:43,933 She also is incredibly beautiful and has a rocking body. 185 00:09:43,977 --> 00:09:45,631 So, you're renouncing your vampirism 186 00:09:45,674 --> 00:09:47,676 to go and try living as a human? 187 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,722 Yes. What part of that is not clear? 188 00:09:49,765 --> 00:09:51,419 Well, how about the whole thing? 189 00:09:51,462 --> 00:09:53,247 You can't just pretend to be a human, you knoblord. 190 00:09:53,290 --> 00:09:55,379 Pretending to be human is just the first step. 191 00:09:55,423 --> 00:09:56,729 Well, what is the second step? 192 00:09:56,772 --> 00:09:58,687 I'm not clear on all the steps yet. 193 00:09:58,731 --> 00:10:00,646 Why are you dressed like a Playmobil figurine? 194 00:10:00,689 --> 00:10:03,257 Because this is how I used to dress when I was a human. 195 00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:05,346 This is all very stupid. 196 00:10:05,389 --> 00:10:08,088 Not to mention that we are the leaders of the Vampiric Council! 197 00:10:08,131 --> 00:10:10,133 We're going to be a laughingstock when they find out 198 00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:12,919 you've gone crying off to go and play human dress-up. 199 00:10:12,962 --> 00:10:15,182 - Right? - I mean, I personally wouldn't laugh, 200 00:10:15,225 --> 00:10:16,836 but there are those who would. 201 00:10:16,879 --> 00:10:18,838 Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore, 202 00:10:18,881 --> 00:10:20,970 because you'll never see me again. 203 00:10:21,014 --> 00:10:23,451 Give me that. 204 00:10:23,494 --> 00:10:24,844 Give me that! 205 00:10:24,887 --> 00:10:27,629 Have a great, unenlightened eternity. 206 00:10:27,673 --> 00:10:28,935 Farewell! 207 00:10:28,978 --> 00:10:30,501 Auf Wiedersehen! 208 00:10:30,545 --> 00:10:32,808 Good night, Seattle, and good mental health! 209 00:10:32,852 --> 00:10:35,115 - See ya. - Master. Master? 210 00:10:35,158 --> 00:10:36,725 I get his room. 211 00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:38,205 Master, wait! 212 00:10:38,248 --> 00:10:39,685 As your official bodyguard, 213 00:10:39,728 --> 00:10:40,990 it's my duty to go with you everywhere... 214 00:10:41,034 --> 00:10:42,296 I am no longer your master! 215 00:10:42,339 --> 00:10:44,124 I hereby relieve you of your service. 216 00:10:44,167 --> 00:10:45,429 What? 217 00:10:45,473 --> 00:10:47,736 It is time for me to find happiness. 218 00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:49,564 Well, I want to find happiness, too! 219 00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:51,697 What do you think I've been doing for the last 11 years? 220 00:10:51,740 --> 00:10:53,350 Oh, boy. Here we go again with this shit. 221 00:10:53,394 --> 00:10:54,961 Why do you think I've lived with you this whole time? 222 00:10:55,004 --> 00:10:58,007 Can you please... 223 00:10:58,051 --> 00:11:00,749 please turn me into a vampire before you leave? 224 00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:02,838 So that after all these years, 225 00:11:02,882 --> 00:11:06,189 you and I both, both can be happy. 226 00:11:15,982 --> 00:11:17,810 Guillermo. 227 00:11:17,853 --> 00:11:22,510 Despite my cold dead heart and your "just okay" personality, 228 00:11:22,553 --> 00:11:26,732 I've grown to have some affection for you. 229 00:11:26,775 --> 00:11:28,864 - Just a little bit, but, you know... - And I for you, Mas... 230 00:11:28,908 --> 00:11:30,431 Well, obviously. 231 00:11:30,474 --> 00:11:32,694 But vampirism is a curse, 232 00:11:32,738 --> 00:11:35,218 and I care for you too much 233 00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:38,569 to burden you with that. 234 00:11:38,613 --> 00:11:41,355 It would weigh too heavily on my conscience. 235 00:11:42,530 --> 00:11:45,272 Boop. There's that smile. 236 00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:49,363 Once a vampire... 237 00:11:49,406 --> 00:11:52,105 tonight, I am only a man. 238 00:11:53,584 --> 00:11:54,847 Dry your face. 239 00:11:54,890 --> 00:11:56,500 You look like a pair of wet undies. 240 00:11:58,067 --> 00:11:59,590 As I can no longer fly, 241 00:11:59,634 --> 00:12:01,679 I will have a nice evening stroll to Jan's. 242 00:12:01,723 --> 00:12:04,944 - Just a human man crossing the street. - C... careful. 243 00:12:06,380 --> 00:12:08,164 Are you shitting me?! 244 00:12:08,208 --> 00:12:10,645 You can't just walk out into the street like that. 245 00:12:10,688 --> 00:12:12,821 You have to look both ways. 246 00:12:12,865 --> 00:12:15,171 That's literally rule number one of being human. 247 00:12:15,215 --> 00:12:16,956 It's a bad start. 248 00:12:16,999 --> 00:12:18,914 What the fuck am I gonna do with this? 249 00:12:21,090 --> 00:12:23,876 It's been about a month since... What's his name? 250 00:12:23,919 --> 00:12:25,703 Nandor! Come on, Laszlo. 251 00:12:25,747 --> 00:12:27,618 Sorry. Uh, since he buggered off. 252 00:12:27,662 --> 00:12:30,447 Nothing much has changed, though, to be honest. 253 00:12:30,491 --> 00:12:33,146 One thing that has changed, which is such a relief, 254 00:12:33,189 --> 00:12:35,322 is you don't have this constant soundtrack 255 00:12:35,365 --> 00:12:37,193 of weeping in the house the whole time. 256 00:12:37,237 --> 00:12:39,369 - We don't miss that, do we? - No. 257 00:12:39,413 --> 00:12:42,155 So, I've moved into Nandor's room. 258 00:12:42,198 --> 00:12:44,592 Uh, it's taken me awhile 259 00:12:44,635 --> 00:12:47,551 to get my scent on everything. 260 00:12:47,595 --> 00:12:50,380 Regular vampires have no gastric system. 261 00:12:50,424 --> 00:12:53,862 Energy vampires do, to annoy those around them 262 00:12:53,906 --> 00:12:56,082 and mark their territory. 263 00:12:56,125 --> 00:12:57,953 It's beginning to feel like home. 264 00:12:57,997 --> 00:12:59,868 It's been kind of tough, honestly. 265 00:12:59,912 --> 00:13:02,436 You know, I've known Nandor for a long time, 266 00:13:02,479 --> 00:13:05,700 and now he's not in my life anymore. 267 00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:08,094 He didn't even leave an address or anything, 268 00:13:08,137 --> 00:13:09,791 Which is hurtful. 269 00:13:09,835 --> 00:13:12,576 I mean, I guess know now how it feels. 270 00:13:12,620 --> 00:13:14,665 All the times I left or quit. 271 00:13:14,709 --> 00:13:16,885 I just never thought that... 272 00:13:16,929 --> 00:13:20,454 that he'd be the one, you know, to leave, so... 273 00:13:20,497 --> 00:13:23,587 I'm just sorry that we couldn't make him happy, 274 00:13:23,631 --> 00:13:25,720 and I hope he's happy now. 275 00:13:25,763 --> 00:13:29,028 ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me ♪ 276 00:13:29,071 --> 00:13:30,986 ♪ Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry" ♪ 277 00:13:31,030 --> 00:13:33,249 ♪ Five days since you laughed at me, saying ♪ 278 00:13:33,293 --> 00:13:35,382 ♪ "Get your act together, come back and see me" ♪ 279 00:13:35,425 --> 00:13:37,427 ♪ Three days since the living room ♪ 280 00:13:37,471 --> 00:13:39,038 ♪ I realized it's all my fault but couldn't tell you ♪ 281 00:13:39,081 --> 00:13:41,649 ♪ Yesterday, you'd forgiven me ♪ 282 00:13:41,692 --> 00:13:43,912 ♪ But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry ♪ 283 00:13:43,956 --> 00:13:46,088 I love my life here. 284 00:13:46,132 --> 00:13:47,916 I feel invigorated. 285 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,484 - More broccoli. - I forgot how exciting it was 286 00:13:50,527 --> 00:13:53,182 to live like a human. 287 00:13:53,226 --> 00:13:54,836 ♪ Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes... ♪ 288 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,838 Now, when doing your taxes, 289 00:13:56,882 --> 00:13:59,667 women, act like you don't understand. 290 00:13:59,710 --> 00:14:01,495 Yes, Nandy? 291 00:14:01,538 --> 00:14:06,761 Yes, it seems to me that this Uncle Sam is bleeding us dry. 292 00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:09,068 Maybe we should bleed him! 293 00:14:09,111 --> 00:14:11,809 No, no, no, no, no. We blow off steam 294 00:14:11,853 --> 00:14:15,988 with an IPA or maybe an evening bike ride. 295 00:14:16,031 --> 00:14:18,773 All right, let's move on to how to tip. 296 00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:21,471 Every moment is precious. 297 00:14:21,515 --> 00:14:22,951 Come on, Nandy! 298 00:14:22,995 --> 00:14:25,084 We rip out our fangs every night. 299 00:14:29,131 --> 00:14:31,003 They always grow back in the morning. 300 00:14:31,046 --> 00:14:34,180 But Jan says she's working on a way to make it permanent! 301 00:14:36,008 --> 00:14:39,402 Because we are forbidden to use our vampiric powers 302 00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:41,535 or strength in any way, 303 00:14:41,578 --> 00:14:44,581 life is constantly surprising me. 304 00:14:44,625 --> 00:14:48,934 I have lost 123 straight games of corn hole, 305 00:14:48,977 --> 00:14:51,240 and I have never felt more alive. 306 00:14:51,284 --> 00:14:53,329 I missed it! I missed it! 307 00:14:53,373 --> 00:14:55,723 Yes, Nandy. Very human. 308 00:14:55,766 --> 00:14:57,943 Jan has taught me so much. 309 00:14:57,986 --> 00:14:59,640 This is especially important for the women 310 00:14:59,683 --> 00:15:02,730 when you're an expert about something, 311 00:15:02,773 --> 00:15:04,601 and a man is explaining it to you. 312 00:15:04,645 --> 00:15:08,997 Strained eyes but really big smile. 313 00:15:09,041 --> 00:15:11,739 ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me ♪ 314 00:15:11,782 --> 00:15:14,220 ♪ Dropped your arms to the sides and said, "I'm sorry" ♪ 315 00:15:14,263 --> 00:15:17,049 ♪ Five days since I... ♪ - NANDOR: Who knew that living as a human 316 00:15:17,092 --> 00:15:21,227 would reignite the zeal for life I thought to be long dormant? 317 00:15:21,270 --> 00:15:23,881 - ♪ Yesterday, you just smiled at me ♪ - Make sure that Baby learns. 318 00:15:23,925 --> 00:15:27,146 ♪ 'Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry ♪ 319 00:15:28,103 --> 00:15:32,542 - ♪ It'll still be two days... ♪ - NANDOR: Jan is just so alive and electric. 320 00:15:32,586 --> 00:15:34,631 She has changed my life. 321 00:15:34,675 --> 00:15:37,939 Oh, yeah, we're fucking. 322 00:15:37,983 --> 00:15:40,811 One, two, three, four, 323 00:15:40,855 --> 00:15:43,336 five, six, seven, make it hot. 324 00:15:46,078 --> 00:15:47,079 I should probably check in on him. 325 00:15:47,122 --> 00:15:48,558 Not in a weird way. 326 00:15:48,602 --> 00:15:49,907 Like, I don't need to check in on peop... 327 00:15:49,951 --> 00:15:51,039 I just want to make sure he's okay, 328 00:15:51,083 --> 00:15:52,519 'cause if something wasn't okay 329 00:15:52,562 --> 00:15:53,824 and I didn't do anything about it, 330 00:15:53,868 --> 00:15:55,043 then I couldn't live with myself. 331 00:15:55,087 --> 00:15:56,349 So, as a good friend, 332 00:15:56,392 --> 00:16:00,048 I'm going to look into what he's doing without him knowing. 333 00:16:00,092 --> 00:16:01,571 I'm really worried about him. 334 00:16:01,615 --> 00:16:03,182 He's out there in the real world, 335 00:16:03,225 --> 00:16:04,922 and it could be dangerous, you know? 336 00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:08,883 Like, what if he's in real big trouble? 337 00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:10,319 Whoa. 338 00:16:10,363 --> 00:16:12,408 What are you doing in my room? 339 00:16:12,452 --> 00:16:14,280 Nandor must have left some kind of clue somewhere, 340 00:16:14,323 --> 00:16:16,325 telling us where he's at or where he's going. 341 00:16:16,369 --> 00:16:18,240 Like, maybe this pamphlet 342 00:16:18,284 --> 00:16:20,068 that's just sitting out in the open? 343 00:16:20,112 --> 00:16:23,071 "In case any of you dumb, idiot assholes care..." 344 00:16:23,115 --> 00:16:24,594 assholes with one "S," uh... 345 00:16:24,638 --> 00:16:26,509 "where I've gone, it's here." 346 00:16:26,553 --> 00:16:28,163 Give me that. 347 00:16:28,207 --> 00:16:29,686 All right, but you may want to wash your hands. 348 00:16:29,730 --> 00:16:32,298 That has a full room of butt wind on it. 349 00:16:32,341 --> 00:16:34,865 Don't want to get pink eye, or maybe you do, I don't know. 350 00:16:34,909 --> 00:16:36,476 Don't really give a shit. 351 00:16:42,438 --> 00:16:45,180 Jan says that she has never seen anyone as dedicated 352 00:16:45,224 --> 00:16:47,313 to our way of life before. 353 00:16:47,356 --> 00:16:48,575 Don't mind me. 354 00:16:48,618 --> 00:16:50,229 Yeah! 355 00:16:50,272 --> 00:16:52,796 So she has given me a promotion of sorts. 356 00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:54,929 I am now her number two. 357 00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:57,366 - How do I look? - Perfect. 358 00:16:57,410 --> 00:17:00,674 Jan says we will always be safe from outsiders, 359 00:17:00,717 --> 00:17:05,287 and, one day, we will be human enough to see the sun. 360 00:17:05,331 --> 00:17:07,202 And I get to help with that. 361 00:17:07,246 --> 00:17:08,812 In my former household, 362 00:17:08,856 --> 00:17:10,901 I would have been teased mercilessly 363 00:17:10,945 --> 00:17:14,079 for saying things like, "I am a number two." 364 00:17:14,122 --> 00:17:18,083 But here, number twos are treated with the utmost respect. 365 00:17:18,126 --> 00:17:19,606 - Hmm. - ♪ Sending out an S... ♪ 366 00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:22,696 Something's wrong with Nandor. 367 00:17:22,739 --> 00:17:24,785 I feel it, so I'm just gonna make sure that he's okay, 368 00:17:24,828 --> 00:17:27,396 'cause I'm a good friend, or we were friends. 369 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:29,006 It's... you know. 370 00:17:29,050 --> 00:17:31,357 Just want to make sure everything is okay. 371 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:34,142 A little check-in. How did those get in there? 372 00:17:34,186 --> 00:17:36,797 Time to get our workout on. 373 00:17:46,589 --> 00:17:48,025 Hello. 374 00:17:48,069 --> 00:17:49,679 Sorry. Sorry. 375 00:17:49,723 --> 00:17:51,464 I'm just gonna put this over here. 376 00:17:51,507 --> 00:17:53,901 Is this anyone's spot? 377 00:17:53,944 --> 00:17:57,252 Master. Master. Master. 378 00:17:57,296 --> 00:18:00,037 Guillermo, what in the hell are you doing here? 379 00:18:00,081 --> 00:18:02,605 Just taking one of my favorite classes. 380 00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:05,347 Yeah, what a coinkydink to see you here, so crazy. 381 00:18:05,391 --> 00:18:06,783 You think I was born yesterday? 382 00:18:06,827 --> 00:18:08,698 I was born a long time from yesterday. 383 00:18:08,742 --> 00:18:09,959 - You're here to spy on me, aren't you? - No, I just wanted... 384 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:11,658 - All righty! - Shit. Fuck. 385 00:18:11,701 --> 00:18:12,708 Let's make it hot! 386 00:18:12,709 --> 00:18:15,966 - Yeah! - Yes! Who is ready to burn? 387 00:18:16,010 --> 00:18:18,447 Let's do this. 388 00:18:18,491 --> 00:18:20,406 Five, six, seven, eight. 389 00:18:20,449 --> 00:18:23,322 Up, up. Come on. Give me something. 390 00:18:23,365 --> 00:18:26,368 Ooh, Nandy, becoming a natural. 391 00:18:26,412 --> 00:18:27,935 Looking good, baby. 392 00:18:27,978 --> 00:18:29,502 Looking good, come on. 393 00:18:29,545 --> 00:18:31,199 Put some stank on it. 394 00:18:34,724 --> 00:18:36,335 Stop the music! 395 00:18:36,378 --> 00:18:37,597 Oh, shit. 396 00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:39,120 You... 397 00:18:39,164 --> 00:18:40,382 Who are you? 398 00:18:41,775 --> 00:18:44,038 Oh, I'm-I'm just Guillermo. 399 00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:46,649 What the fuck are you doing here, Guillermo? 400 00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:50,827 Um, I'm, uh, just... 401 00:18:50,871 --> 00:18:52,177 I don't know him. 402 00:18:52,220 --> 00:18:55,615 Just working on my fitness. 403 00:18:55,658 --> 00:18:57,225 - Mm-hmm. - Check his bags. 404 00:18:57,269 --> 00:18:59,271 Well, that's my bag, so you can't do that. 405 00:18:59,314 --> 00:19:02,143 - That's my property. - Oh, no. You didn't. Tell me you didn't. 406 00:19:02,187 --> 00:19:04,841 Yeah, just like towels and stuff. 407 00:19:04,885 --> 00:19:06,365 Weapons! 408 00:19:06,408 --> 00:19:08,541 - Shit. - Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. 409 00:19:08,584 --> 00:19:10,107 That's just not what it... that's not what it looks like. 410 00:19:10,151 --> 00:19:11,979 I wasn't gonna... That was just in case something... 411 00:19:12,022 --> 00:19:13,763 Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, Guillermo. 412 00:19:13,807 --> 00:19:15,069 I'm not gonna hurt anyone. 413 00:19:15,112 --> 00:19:16,462 I'm not gonna hurt anyone. 414 00:19:16,505 --> 00:19:18,333 My children! 415 00:19:18,377 --> 00:19:21,423 My fellow human children, 416 00:19:21,467 --> 00:19:24,165 we have been infiltrated. 417 00:19:24,209 --> 00:19:27,037 - No, I'm... - An interloper is here to ruin us. 418 00:19:27,081 --> 00:19:29,910 He is here to kill us and our dreams. 419 00:19:29,953 --> 00:19:31,607 He must not leave here. 420 00:19:31,651 --> 00:19:33,827 He will bring more like him. 421 00:19:33,870 --> 00:19:36,221 My children, we are under attack. 422 00:19:36,264 --> 00:19:39,876 We cannot let this Guillermo go unpunished. 423 00:19:43,184 --> 00:19:45,839 - What did you do, Guillermo? - Cover your face. 424 00:19:45,882 --> 00:19:47,841 - What? - Cover your face! 425 00:19:47,884 --> 00:19:48,986 Ay! Aah! 426 00:19:49,587 --> 00:19:51,453 Now! 427 00:19:51,497 --> 00:19:52,846 Come on, let's go! 428 00:19:52,889 --> 00:19:54,978 You covered my friends in garlic powder! 429 00:19:55,022 --> 00:19:56,719 I'm sorry! 430 00:19:59,026 --> 00:20:00,723 - That's... - Come on! 431 00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:01,768 Sorry, Janet. 432 00:20:01,811 --> 00:20:03,073 Hey, let go. 433 00:20:05,075 --> 00:20:06,903 You have a crucifix in your pocket? 434 00:20:06,947 --> 00:20:08,992 - That's not nice. - Shut up! Let's go! 435 00:20:09,036 --> 00:20:10,429 You need to chillax! 436 00:20:10,472 --> 00:20:11,734 - My friends! - This way! 437 00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:13,170 Don't hurt my friends! 438 00:20:17,392 --> 00:20:19,438 Ow! Did you bang your head? 439 00:20:19,481 --> 00:20:21,875 I don't know what's come over him. 440 00:20:21,918 --> 00:20:24,486 Mimi! 441 00:20:24,530 --> 00:20:26,619 Mimi, I'm sorry about this! 442 00:20:27,847 --> 00:20:29,317 Ay. 443 00:20:33,365 --> 00:20:35,192 - Come on! Come on! - Let go! 444 00:20:35,236 --> 00:20:36,411 - Sorry, Mimi. - Stay with me! 445 00:20:38,326 --> 00:20:40,328 - Come on! - You just punched Jeremy. 446 00:20:40,372 --> 00:20:41,590 Fuck Jeremy! 447 00:20:41,634 --> 00:20:43,244 - Let's go. - What are you doing?! 448 00:20:43,288 --> 00:20:44,941 - I'm rescuing you, Master. - If I wasn't a human, 449 00:20:44,985 --> 00:20:47,814 I'd be crushing your dick and slamming it on the floor. 450 00:20:47,857 --> 00:20:50,773 - You're not a human. - Get off me! Ah! That tickles. 451 00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:53,123 You've been brainwashed. 452 00:20:53,167 --> 00:20:54,429 Where are you taking me? 453 00:20:54,473 --> 00:20:56,301 I'm taking you home! 454 00:20:56,344 --> 00:20:58,346 Don't want to be out here. I want to be in there with Jan! 455 00:20:58,390 --> 00:20:59,912 - You want to be home with us. - Get in the van. 456 00:20:59,913 --> 00:21:01,175 That's where you want to be, okay? 457 00:21:01,218 --> 00:21:02,872 I didn't need rescuing. 458 00:21:02,916 --> 00:21:04,483 I was having a great time back there 459 00:21:04,526 --> 00:21:06,093 till you came and kicked everyone's ass. 460 00:21:06,136 --> 00:21:07,442 They were trying to kill me! 461 00:21:07,486 --> 00:21:08,574 They pulled all their fangs out. 462 00:21:08,617 --> 00:21:10,315 No one's going to bite you. 463 00:21:10,358 --> 00:21:13,056 We're a gentle people, a gentle human people. 464 00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:15,232 You're not a human, Master! 465 00:21:15,276 --> 00:21:17,800 I'm not? Then how do you explain this? 466 00:21:17,844 --> 00:21:20,150 ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me ♪ 467 00:21:20,194 --> 00:21:22,022 ♪ Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry" ♪ 468 00:21:22,065 --> 00:21:23,763 ♪ Five days since you laughed at me. ♪ 469 00:21:23,806 --> 00:21:25,591 I know the whole fucking song. 470 00:21:25,634 --> 00:21:28,115 I'd say that was pretty gosh-darn human, wouldn't you? 471 00:21:28,158 --> 00:21:29,203 You've been brainwashed. 472 00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:30,813 Brainwashed, "shmain-washed." 473 00:21:30,857 --> 00:21:33,207 You know, this is exactly what Jan warned us 474 00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:35,122 that the nonbelievers would accuse us of. 475 00:21:35,165 --> 00:21:36,602 You've been brainwashed, but it's okay, 476 00:21:36,645 --> 00:21:38,734 because we are going to deprogram you. 477 00:21:38,778 --> 00:21:41,128 Stop. Let it go. 478 00:21:41,171 --> 00:21:43,609 Did you not think for a second... Listen to me! 479 00:21:43,652 --> 00:21:45,611 Did you ever consider for one moment 480 00:21:45,654 --> 00:21:49,310 that I might be happy for the first time in decades? 481 00:21:49,354 --> 00:21:51,356 Decades! 482 00:21:51,399 --> 00:21:54,837 That I found somewhere where I feel that I belong? 483 00:21:54,881 --> 00:21:59,755 That makes me feel useful and powerful in ways I've never felt. 484 00:21:59,799 --> 00:22:01,366 Never! 485 00:22:01,409 --> 00:22:03,324 Not in 700 years. 486 00:22:03,368 --> 00:22:05,065 Did you ever consider that? 487 00:22:06,196 --> 00:22:08,634 - No. - No. 488 00:22:10,331 --> 00:22:11,724 So what I'm going to do now is 489 00:22:11,767 --> 00:22:13,378 I'm going to get out of this car, 490 00:22:13,421 --> 00:22:15,902 and I'm going to go and get a taxi or a bus 491 00:22:15,945 --> 00:22:18,208 or subway or Lyft or Uber, 492 00:22:18,252 --> 00:22:22,299 and I'm gonna go back to my human community. 493 00:22:22,343 --> 00:22:24,214 And that is that. 494 00:22:25,955 --> 00:22:27,027 When did you install 495 00:22:27,028 --> 00:22:30,177 silver rope-lined seat belts in this little shitbox? 496 00:22:30,220 --> 00:22:32,701 Sorry, Master. It's for your own good. 497 00:22:41,144 --> 00:22:42,929 You guys, you guys. 498 00:22:42,972 --> 00:22:44,409 Catch your breath, boy. 499 00:22:44,452 --> 00:22:45,540 I think I did something really drastic. 500 00:22:45,584 --> 00:22:47,063 Oh, you pierce your pee-pee? 501 00:22:47,107 --> 00:22:48,804 - No, but... - Tattoo your pee-pee? 502 00:22:48,848 --> 00:22:50,850 - You guys... - Tell us more about your pee-pee. 503 00:22:50,893 --> 00:22:52,155 You've never been so interesting. 504 00:22:52,199 --> 00:22:53,461 Stop talking about my pee-pee, okay? 505 00:22:53,505 --> 00:22:54,288 I didn't do anything to my pee-pee! 506 00:22:55,463 --> 00:22:56,638 Okay, just trust that what I did 507 00:22:56,682 --> 00:22:58,205 I had to do, okay? Do you trust me? 508 00:22:58,248 --> 00:22:59,685 - No. - No. 509 00:23:06,735 --> 00:23:10,043 - Who the fuck is that? - Oh, my... ew! 510 00:23:10,086 --> 00:23:12,175 What the hell? 511 00:23:12,219 --> 00:23:14,047 I'd say he's been brainwashed. 512 00:23:14,090 --> 00:23:15,875 Right, okay, Colin Robinson, 513 00:23:15,918 --> 00:23:17,485 go to the council library and see if there's 514 00:23:17,529 --> 00:23:19,487 any literature on the art of deprogramming. 515 00:23:19,531 --> 00:23:21,184 No, there's no need to do that, Colin Robinson, 516 00:23:21,228 --> 00:23:23,056 because I am not brainwashed. I am perfectly sane. 517 00:23:23,099 --> 00:23:25,537 I was just having fun with my new friends. 518 00:23:25,580 --> 00:23:28,496 That's, uh, basically what Patricia Krenwinkel said. 519 00:23:28,540 --> 00:23:30,759 Open your mouth. Good Lord, he's pulled his fangs out. 520 00:23:30,803 --> 00:23:33,370 No, no. No, no, no, it's not what you think. 521 00:23:33,414 --> 00:23:35,590 - Nandor! - You stay in there, old pal, 522 00:23:35,634 --> 00:23:37,592 and I'll go and find someone 523 00:23:37,636 --> 00:23:39,594 to mend that fucked-up brain of yours. 524 00:23:39,638 --> 00:23:41,335 No, there's no need to do that. 525 00:23:41,378 --> 00:23:43,555 - Laszlo? Guillermo? Please. Come on. - I'm sorry. 526 00:23:43,598 --> 00:23:45,774 Guillermo! No! 527 00:23:57,264 --> 00:24:00,746 You said if we trusted you, you would always protect us. 528 00:24:00,789 --> 00:24:02,399 You lied to us! 529 00:24:02,443 --> 00:24:03,879 Calm down. 530 00:24:03,923 --> 00:24:05,707 Please calm down, my children. 531 00:24:05,751 --> 00:24:08,101 The time has come for the final rejection of eternal life. 532 00:24:08,144 --> 00:24:10,495 It is time! 533 00:24:10,538 --> 00:24:12,235 For the ultimate burn! 534 00:24:12,279 --> 00:24:14,063 Everyone, to the roof. Yes! 535 00:24:14,107 --> 00:24:17,327 We will all walk into the sunlight. 536 00:24:17,371 --> 00:24:19,416 Come on, baby. 537 00:24:19,460 --> 00:24:20,766 Come on. That's it. 538 00:24:20,809 --> 00:24:22,898 That's it. Oh... 539 00:24:22,942 --> 00:24:25,161 My children, my children. 540 00:24:25,205 --> 00:24:26,859 Don't worry, Marilyn. 541 00:24:26,902 --> 00:24:29,339 I'll be right out there in a minute, girl! 542 00:24:29,383 --> 00:24:31,385 I'm right behind you. 543 00:24:32,604 --> 00:24:35,694 Well, back to the drawing board. 544 00:25:17,166 --> 00:25:18,126 Dear Diary, 545 00:25:18,127 --> 00:25:20,356 another Wednesday in the books, 546 00:25:20,357 --> 00:25:23,317 or as some of the fellas at the office call it: 547 00:25:23,318 --> 00:25:24,318 "Hump Day." 548 00:25:24,319 --> 00:25:27,036 I say, "What's the rush to get over the hump?" 549 00:25:27,037 --> 00:25:30,208 I mean there's so much to enjoy about Monday and Tuesday: 550 00:25:30,209 --> 00:25:33,679 department meetings, cross department meetings, 551 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:37,266 sending E-mails to re-schedule team meetings that interfere 552 00:25:37,267 --> 00:25:39,156 with department meetings. 553 00:25:39,157 --> 00:25:42,161 Let's just say I EXCEL at it. 554 00:25:43,937 --> 00:25:47,117 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.MY-SUBS.com - 40736

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