All language subtitles for The Moaning Of Life S02E06 Time 720p BluRay H264 BONE

NARRATOR". Karl Pilkington is back
travelling the world,

seeking answers
to more of life's big questions.

How much does your identity define you?

I think mine are nicer than yours.

NARRATOR". What can we do about waste?

How should you live your life?

God almighty, what is she doing?

NARRATOR". Do we need art?

This is not a normal way
of creating art, this.

NARRATOR:
And how should we treat our bodies?

Showtime!

That's strange.

Am I in charge or is me arse in charge?

NARRATOR".
In this episode, Karl explores time.

He's definitely real, definitely?

NARRATOR".
What are the effects of old age?

Jesus. I'm 42 but I'm feeling about 86.

NARRATOR".
How should we spend our spare time?

I need a piss, I can't do it.

I'm not going to lie to you,
that's well out of reach.

NARRATOR". And where will we go
when our time on the planet runs out?

This is well annoying, I've got sweat
on me head and I can't wipe it off.

- Give us a bark, Boomer?
-(MIMICS BARKING)

NARRATOR: This isThe Moaning of Life.

(GRUNTS)

There's no fun in this.

DXRECYOR". What are you looking at
on this trip, Karl?

KARL". Looking at time.

Time.

It's not, uh...

I think people will be going,
"What are you on about?"

"What are you looking at time for?

"What is there to look at?"

But I think it's a big,
a big part of our lives, innit?

You know, whilst I've been
sitting there talking to you,

it's ticking away, innit?

You're only here for so long, you know,
what are you going to do with it?

I don't feel like I've got
a massive purpose.

Sometimes I do nothing.

I've just got into, um, cupcakes.

That with a cup of tea
and then it's like how do I fill the gap

between having that cupcake
and a cup of tea

and the next cupcake and a cup of tea?

That's my life.

But today, I'm looking further than,
you know, my next cupcake.

I'm going to find out about me future.

It's a big part of time, innit?

It's what a lot of people worry about.

Wondering where their life is going.

The reason I'm in Berlin is 'cause
I'm meeting this bloke called Ulf,

he does Rumpology,

which is basically a technique
of telling me my future

by reading my bare arse.

'Hi!
'Ulf?

Yes!

- I'm Karl, how are you?
- Hi, Karl!

- You all right?
- Yes.

- Well, come in, come in.
- Yes, okay, I come in.

- Are you totally blind?
- Yes, I'm blind.

- Tota lly?
- Yes.

- I'm now lying down, yeah?
- Okay.

Okay, that's right.

At the start, you know,
the idea of Rumpology,

and then when he walked in,

I thought
"Hang on a minute. What's this?

"Is he having a laugh?"

(ULF SPEAKING GERMAN)

TRANSLATOR:
There is going to be a house abroad.

Whereabouts? Where are we looking here?

Uh, Europe, America?

TRANSLATOR:
It's either going to be Spain or Italy.

It'll be Italy.
Me girlfriend likes Italy. She's...

In fact, probably three days ago,

we were talking about
buying a place in Italy.

That's weird, that is weird.

When he said that, I was a bit like,
"Bloody hell, he's onto something here."

'Cause Suzanne has talked about that.

We've watched holiday programmes,
Houses, Home and Away and that lot,

and she likes Italy.

And it's just too random,

it's too random a thing
to just, uh, pick up on.

When we're looking out there,
where do you see 'em?

What year are we talking?

TRANSLATOR:
February or March of next year.

Jesus, that's quick.

But now I'm a bit like,
"Is there something in it?"

And I was saying to you
that I don't want to know my future.

In a way, was it good to...

I don't know how I feel.
It's a bit exciting.

You know, I might get a place in Italy.
'Cause I like it. I like pasta.

I've always said if I was going to live
somewhere, I'd sort of pick Italy.

TRANSLATOR:
You need to watch out for your heart,

because there is just
too much going on.

Too much what?

Too much stress or... What do you mean?

- ULF: No, no, no, life. Girls.
- Girlfriend?

- Yes.
- Yeah. We're all right.

- We're quite happy.
- There's a problem.

- What do you mean? There's no problem.
- Yes.

Hang on, what...

Is he talking about the woman
I'm with now or is this someone else?

TRANSLATOR: No, somebody else
who will be approaching you.

KARL: Anything else
you can tell me about her?

What does she look like?

What does she as a job?

Just so that if it comes along,

I know this is the woman
who is going to ruin me life

and I can knock it on the head.

TRANSLATOR: She works in justice,
the judiciary system.

Who is this woman?

I mean, it's flattering, you know,
it's like, "Oh, aye?"

Classy woman as well, by the sounds
of things, she works in the court.

Do you know what I mean?

You got to be pretty brainy to do that.

It's not going to happen
because I'm quite happy with Suzanne.

You know, we're moving to Italy,

everything's going to be good,
so why...

Why am I going to let this woman
come in and mess everything up?

TRANSLATOR: And whether you like it
or not, there is going to be a child.

- No.
- Yes.

No chance.

- There's not going to be a kid.
- ULF: Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

TRANSLATOR:
There is going to be a child.

It doesn't matter if you believe it
or not, there's going to be a kid.

Bullshit.

Again, this is something,
that's probably something...

I don't know, maybe something stuck
on me arse or something there.

I've got quite a claggy arse,
with it being quite hairy.

And maybe that was a bump
that shouldn't be there.

There's going to be
a percentage of errors

and it's the kid.

I'm not having a kid.
There's no way a kid's going to happen.

TRANSLATOR: It doesn't mean you're going
to become a father right away

but in your life,
there is going to be a child.

Here's a question, then.

Who maketh the man here?

Am I in charge or is me arse in charge?

TRANSLATOR:
Yeah, it's all been predetermined.

So everything that's going to happen
to you is already recorded on your butt.

KARL: Yeah, all right.

Well, thanks for coming, Ulf.
Thanks for your time.

- ULF: See you later.
-(DOOR CLOSES)

KARL: I really like doing this.

It's one of the sort of times in me life
where everything's good.

I'm not taking calls,
I'm not dealing with emails.

It's me time.

When we were cavemen,
it was up at the sign of light,

out hunting for food,
cooking the food, to bed.

We don't know
what to do with ourselves now.

Jet skis, just whizzing around on waves,
wasting petrol.

(MIMICS MOTOR WHIRRING)
You know, all pointless.

And that's why I don't feel bad
about enjoying cutting me toenails,

because there's a lot of people
out there doing madder shit

with their spare time.

Well, speaking of weird
sort of pastimes and everything,

I'm meeting a bloke called Kevin,

who, uh... He spends his spare time
doing casting.

You know the thing, like, you put
on your arms, when you break your arm.

He likes to cast himself up.

He likes the feel of it,
and, uh, wastes his day away.

So, that's what I'm going to go
and get involved with.

Probably going to take him ages
to get to the door, innit?

- Hey, how's it going to?
- Kevin.

- Come on in.
- How are you doing?

- Pretty good. How about you?
- Yeah, not bad.

- It's nice to meet you.
- Not bad.

I'd shake your hand
but you might fall over.

KEVIN: (LAUGHING)
Would you like a cup of tea?

Uh, yes. You want me to make it, though?

Just pour this in there.

KEVIN: It's really quite
a different feeling, you know,

to feel something so rigid around you.

It's not just like a sock,
it's a proper...

- You can't move your leg?
- No, it's the real thing.

I've done a full upper body cast
with both my arms and my torso.

-(SOFTLY) Jesus!
- KEVIN: That's a full body cast.

KARL: It is weird.

When you're like that,
there's nothing else you can do?

There's no distractions.

You can't be messing around with
the phone or anything, can you?

No, you can't do anything.

How far should I take it,
considering I've never done it before?

We could do both your arms
and then you can wheel me around.

We could do your whole
upper body, you know.

It's as far as you want to take it.

KARL: This is what it's all about,
though, innit?

It's about getting casted up and...

KEVIN: And trying things, yeah.
Trying things that would be difficult.

KARL: Yeah, making stuff harder.

Should I be enjoying it yet?

Is this part of the enjoyment for you
when you're actually putting it on?

Yeah, when I go to put it on
I get a little bit of, like, a nervous,

you know, kind of
like a rush, you know.

- KARL: I don't like sleeping bags.
- Oh, yeah?

- Do you know, when you...
- Yeah.

I can use one but I can't, not the zip.
Yeah, I can't zip it up.

I got to be able to stick me leg out,
stretch out a bit.

-(KEVIN LAUGHING)
- And that's what this is gonna be like.

Yeah, this is definitely
going to irritate you, then.

Once I've got my stuff on,
we've got to chip in,

we've got to help each other out here,
we're a team.

I can't do anything.

If anything, he'll be in a better
position to do stuff.

Once my arms are locked, what can I do?

Then we're gonna have to find someone
to help you go pee.

I quite enjoy holding a piss in.

- A bit like this is your thing...
- Mmm-hmm.

It's meant to be good for your bladder
or something, to test it.

Yeah, it uses the muscles.

Yeah, using the muscles, yeah.

And then when you finally do go,
it's pure joy, that.

- That's something that I like, Simon.
-(KEVIN LAUGHS)

That's a...

SIMON: It's not a hobby, though, is it?

It's not a pastime, it's a pisstime.

It's set now. That's it.

I've got no use of my arms
for the next few hours,

which is a new experience.

I'm like a lobster.

I can grab shit,
but that is it, I can't move from, uh...

I've got to twist and everything.

I can't just reach out and grab.

If I fall, I'm worried about that.

If there's one concern
I'm worried about,

falling and landing on me face.

And that's something else
that came out of this

when I was talking to Kevin back there,

suddenly realised that
if I need a piss, I can't do it.

I'm not going to lie to you.

That's well out of reach, right?

- KARL: See a bump, there?
- Yeah.

(KEVIN LAUGHING)

Have you got a brake or anything,
for the back of your...

(CHUCKLES) No, no.

KARL: Are we going to for
something to eat, did you say?

KEVIN: Yeah.

KARL: Thanks for that.

Hi, can we order some food?

Can I get a combo
and a breaded chicken as well, please?

- How did it happen? What happened?
- Oh, you don't want to know.

- Oh.
- You don't want to know.

KEVIN: I'm with him.

Ah, it's not as much fun now.

Just give us a bite of that.

I'm wondering
whether that's a lot easier to handle?

- Having the legs, just the legs done.
- Yeah.

'Cause your hands do a lot more
than your feet, don't they?

Do you know what I mean?
Unless you're a chimp.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Oh!

So, what's this place then?

It's kind of like a go-kart track,

mini golf, batting cages.

I'll help you get in there now.

I'm going to have to put a helmet on.

Cheers.

All right, do you want
to put the money in?

KEVIN: All right.

Shit!

- Yes!
-(MEN LAUGHING)

KARL: Ow!
KEVIN: Oh, 0h! (CHUCKLING)

Fucking hell, that hurts.

- Just got me right on the fucking leg.
-(KEVIN LAUGHING)

- Shitting hell, man.
-(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck!

Get that ice, give us that ice!

(EXCLAIMING)

I should've had what you had on.

Give us that stick if you want there?

I'd be careful on that.

I'll go first then, Kev.

What's your handicap?

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

KARL". I can't wait to get this off.

Once I get this off, me arms are free,

I can eat
and I can have a proper good piss.

Done seven hours
without the use of me arms.

That's probably the longest
I have ever gone.

-(KEVIN LAUGHING)
- Get in!

SIMON: So what are you going to
take away from today?

The fact that I can get so much pleasure
out of just emptying me bladder.

That's a good place to be
in the world, innit?

KARL". It's not funny any more.

I need to get this off and go,
'cause I'm older than you,

and when you're in your 40s,
you'll understand

that your bladder is not what it was
when you're in your 30s.

So you keep standing there
talking to me when I really need to go.

It was the start of the day
when I started,

the sun's now going down
and I've not had a piss.

I don't... I don't quite...

I mean, I can't, look.

That's me trying to break it, watch.

There's nothing, there's not
one bit of movement there.

(POLE VIBRATING)

That...

(CAST CRACKING)

(GRUNTING)

It's cracking.

(EXHALES LOUDLY)

Oh, that feels good.

(PANTING)

Oh! That's... I can piss!

I don't have to wait for Kev!
(CHUCKLING)

Oh, my God!

(SIGHING CONTENTEDLY) Seven hours.

I'm shaking.

Ah, fuck.

Best time I've had all day, that.

Ah, fucking hell.

Oh, fucking hell.

Oh, God.

We're looking at time
and what have you,

and the way we think about it

and the way it affects our life.

You know, time's not good on your body,
is it?

You know, getting old and all that.

That's time ticking away, innit?

Every day you look in the mirror,
you get a little bit older.

You knowjude Law, the actor?

He was on a chat show, and they said,
"Jude Law, now you're 42 now."

And I thought, "You're having a laugh!"

He's the same age as me.

That's when you start going,
"Life's cruel, innit?"

Because I know I look older than him.

I've kind of always been old, in a way.

My mum always said I was an old baby,
just 'cause I was always frowning.

Looked like I had the world
on me shoulders,

even though I couldn't walk yet.

But getting older doesn't bother me,
I don't think.

I think, you know, it's all right.

You know, one of the good things
about getting old

is you get some special treatment
sometimes, don't you?

You get the seats on buses
or people do you favours.

That's what I'm going to be
doing today,

being made up to look and feel old.

- WOMAN: Okay, you ready to see?
- Yes, uh...

Oh, good Jesus!

(CHUCKLING)

I'll tell you what's really depressing.

Me teeth, they're my teeth,
and they sort of look part of it.

I've already got old-man teeth.

And the thing is
it's not like it's ridiculous.

Do you know I mean?
We haven't gone silly with something.

Me eyebrows are a bit mad now,

I'm always having to trim them.

Me hair is like that.

It is starting to go grey.

So, that's going to happen.

Um...

And these lines there,
they're kind of there already,

they're just a little bit deepened,
aren't they?

I was going to send
the pictures to Suzanne.

There's no way I'm, uh...

She's not seeing this.

I wonder if something...

I mean, did something happen there?

Does me life take a turn
for the worse or something here?

Because surely that looks like a man
who's been through some serious shit.

I'm just... Now I'm worrying about
what happens between now and then.

Jude Law will look better than this,
won't he, when he's 72?

So, now it's, like,
Suzanne's gone, innit?

This is old-people zone,
it's a single bed.

Either she's died first or she left me.

I don't like it now.

I thought I'd be well up for this.

We haven't even started yet.

I know, in here,
I've got a suit I've got to put on

and it's going to make me body
feel old and everything.

(EXHALING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

- SIMON: How you feeling?
-(EXHALES)

Old.

This leg is totally locked off,
so I've got no bend in it.

The idea being I've got arthritis in it.

This knee is a little bit restricted.

I've got weights on me arms,

so it's harder to lift them up
to do anything.

Uh, I've got a load of weights
wrapped around me body.

I'm just going to have a walk about, eh.

Fucking hell.

Me face is sagging that much,

what are me bollocks going to be like
when I get to this age?

I'm Fred.

- Fred. Karl.
- Ka rl?

- KARL: How old are you?
- I'll be 77 in September.

Can I see you get up
out of that chair, just to see?

Yeah, I'm older than that.
I'm in the 80s.

FRED:
This is where our activities is at.

We're playing bingo right now.

-97 years old.
-97?

FRED: His name is Rocky.

He's older than that, isn't he?

- Rocky.
- Hi, Rocky, I'm Karl.

I've come to play bingo.

I gotcha.

KARL". Ever since the age thing
has gone up,

have you noticed now
if you buy electrical items,

they never come
with a lifetime guarantee?

I remember being younger,

stuff used to come
with lifetime guarantee.

They knocked it on the head,

'cause they couldn't afford
to keep it up, could they?

Imagine how many toasters
you would've got through.

Keep going to in, saying, "This
one's broke, can I have another one?"

MAN: G59.

WOMAN: Oh, G59?

I thought you said 49.

KARL". It's amazing that people
can live that long now.

But what for?

Is it just to show
how good the human race is

when it comes to medical stuff now?

It's just a game, innit?

It's like a game,
it's who can hang around the longest.

You know,
I don't know what we're doing.

SIMON: How are you, um...
How are you feeling after yesterday?

KARL". Me brain's telling me,
you know, what I want to do,

but me body's not doing it.

It's like when you have a TV remote
and the batteries have gone

and you're pressing the buttons harder
and it's not reacting.

That's what it's like.

You just don't react in the same way
that you used to.

But today, I'm with a load of people
who don't let time stop them.

You know, it's about
fighting time today, if anything.

Not letting time get you down.

- All right, Mike?
- Karl, it's a pleasure to meet you.

- Oh, thanks for seeing me.
- Yeah.

How are you feeling today?

Well, I've felt better,
let's put it that way.

Yeah, yeah, I definitely have.

I've got supports for both knees,

'cause they're the ones
that give me the most trouble.

KARL: How old are you now, Mike?

-72.
- I'm 42.

Yeah?

But I'm feeling about 86.

KARL: You see, this suit is meant to
make me 30 years older than I am.

MIKE: So, you'll be the same age as me.

KARL: Yeah, but, look!
I'm slowing you down here.

MIKE:
You gotta get your knees up there...

KARL: Knees up, not this one,
I can get that one up.

MIKE: Yeah?
KARL: But I can't get that one.

MIKE: Well, looks like
I'd whoop your ass, then.

- Yeah, exactly. I don't want that.
-(MIKE LAUGHING)

'Cause that's not fair, that.

I haven't come here
to make me look like a knobhead.

Good luck, Karl.

Cheers, Mike, giving it me best shot.

(STARTING SHOT FIRES)

(EXCLAIMING) Oh, no!

KARL: I could've had them, definitely.

I tripped, so it doesn't count.

I was... I was there.

Right. Well, this is coming off.

I've got to beat Mike.

I'd say now I'm about 70, 72.

That's how I feel now
with that leg thing off.

I feel 72,
which is what I'd be, I reckon.

SIMON: You're meant to be old, Karl.

I know. And honestly, honest to God,
this is really heavy.

- Just get rid of them, all right?
- But...

I feel about 69 now,
I'd say, taking them off.

It's not bad that I took this stuff
off to beat Mike, is it?

I mean, he still gave me
a good run for me money,

but I kicked in, didn't I?

SIMON: Don't think you should've
cheated by taking stuff off.

Didn't cheat. He's notjetlagged, is he?
I've been on planes for days.

I've not eaten properly,
I got to bed last night at about 12:00.

Me body is knackered,
I beat him fair and square.

Jesus!

(LAUGHING)

- That feels good.
- Way to go.

-(PANTING)
- Yes.

- I don't know why I'm so shocked.
- You're vindicated.

I've basically beaten me dad.

Oh.

I keep going to around asking everyone
how old they are

and it doesn't really...
It's not important, is it, your age?

It's your fitness levels, innit?

(GRUNTS)

And I think we'd be better off
not having ages.

I mean, that's what
we're looking at, time.

There's no good in knowing
how old you are.

No one likes to tell you their age.

People, especially women, they lie,
don't they?

So, just get rid of it,
everybody will be happier.

Oh, you bastard!

I think you should be judged
on everything else.

You know, it's like school, innit?

You leave at a certain age.

But I wasn't ready to leave,
I was well thick.

Maybe if they just said,
"You stay until you get it right."

That'd better than saying, "Right,
you're 16 now or whatever, get out!"

It's an odd way to measure things,
I think, age.

So that's what I've got out of this.

Get rid of age.

Ah, that's better.

I suppose today we are looking at
what you can do with your life,

how you can spend your time.

It's another one of them.

I know I was with Kevin the other day
doing the casting thing,

it's a nice little pastime,
but I think I'd soon get sick of that.

The bloke I'm meeting today,

he does something different
with his time.

He totally changes species.

He goes from being a man

to a dog.

He likes spending a lot of his time
being a dog.

-(DOG BARKING)
- That sounds real.

- Is that you?
- That was me.

Sounds pretty real, that.

Sounds mad.

But is he onto something?

BOOMER:
I was really nuts about dogs anyway,

I kind of just starting playing dog

and that turned into a thing

where I really wanted to be a dog
full-time.

So I have things like my collar

and tag with my name on it.

It just says "Boomer the dog".

And I wear ears and dog shirts.

- So you haven't got a dog?
- No, but they're dog biscuits.

- You like them?
- Yeah, sometimes.

KARL: It is interesting.

The idea of just leaving, you know,
the normal life behind

and becoming something else.

So it goes on
just like regular clothes.

So this is the part
where this goes over my face.

It's kind of hard to use words
when I'm in this.

And I'm just more of a dog, so...

Good way to escape life, innit?

Uh, for a little while,
it's a nice vacation from life.

(BARKING)

He's done a good job of it,
freaks me out a little bit.

If I'm being honest now,
it's sort of freaking me out.

You're freaking me out a bit.
But he's found his thing, hasn't he?

I mean, you know, if he started shitting
on the neighbours' lawn,

I can understand
why they'd get a bit pissed off.

Give us a bark, Boomer.

(BARKING)

- Do you want to go to the dog park?
-(BARKING)

Come on, then.

I'm sure there is benefits to it.

I thinkjust looking at the way
Suzanne treats our cat.

That's a pretty good life.

I'd say she looks after that cat
more than she looks after me at times.

When we get, like, the food delivered,

open the bags, I'm starving,

seeing what she's ordered,
it's all for the cat.

All I'm getting is
like one packet of biscuits

and, you know,
a tin of soup or whatever.

(DOG BARKING)

- How is this for you?
-(DOGS BARKING)

Play all you want...

Oh, bloody hell.

-(DOG PANTING)
- Stop gozzing everywhere.

You happy, Boomer?

Give us a bark for yes, two for no.

-(BARKS ONCE)
- KARL: Yeah.

I'd wonder what kind of animal
that you'd like to be.

Because I kind of think that a lot
of people have some other animal,

other than the human animal,
that they're probably connected with.

You see, there's loads that I like.

You know, it's narrowing it down
to one that suits me.

It is just like having a real dog,

you forget he's in there.

There are plenty of them,
what about a roach, a cockroach?

Ah, they're amazing.

If you cut their head off,
they can live for a week.

- Wow!
- How amazing is that?

Yeah, but I don't think
I'd want to be one, though.

They're sort of in gutters
and dirty places, aren't they?

BOOMER: And then that would
lead to, like, the rats.

KARL: Roland Rat.
Did you have Roland Rat?

Oh, yeah. Roland Rat, superstar.

KARL: Did you get him over here?

BOOMER: Yeah, he goes...(EXCLAIMS)
He goes... (EXCLAIMS)

Rat fans!

Hey, Rat fans. (CHUCKLING)

KARL: Yeah, that's right.

BOOMER: You could be a bear.

KARL: Yeah, a bear is not bad.

They sort of stay in nice, quiet places,
sleep a lot.

Hey, yeah, hibernation.

- Yeah, yeah.
- In wintertime, in caves.

Yea h, it's the worst time
of the year for me. I hate the winter.

In fact, miss Christmas altogether,
I can't be dealing with Christmas.

- Hmm.
- Does me head in.

- It costs a fortune.
-(CHUCKLES)

And I don't have to buy anyone a gift

'cause it's like, "Oh, well,
he's a bear, he's not around."

That's right,
he's not around in the winter.

They can't expect you to be anything
more than a bear who hibernates.

- Is it?
-(LAUGHS)

That's a reason for doing it.
You've sold it to me already.

(BOOMER CHUCKLING)

- KARL: Well, he beat you to it.
-(BOOMER WHINES)

KARL". I've got this thing on the iPad.

It, uh, basically tells me
how long I've got left to live.

You've got to put in your name,

date of birth.

"How often do you exercise?"

I like walking.

For me age and everything,
me size, I'd say normal weight.

Right. "Hi, Karl..."

(CHUCKLES)

Jesus! "You have 50 years,

"nine months, 10 days,
14 hours remaining."

Fifty yea rs?

Another 50 Christmases. Jesus.

God, that's another 50 holidays.

I haven't got 50 places
I want to go any more.

I suppose the time that people
stress out about the most

is when their time's up,
you know, when you die.

Your life clock constantly ticking away,

and then one day, that clock stops

and that's it, your time's over.

You turn to mush.

You get buried, you get cremated
and that's the end of it.

But there's a new thing
where you can extend that time.

And that's what I'm looking at today,
it's called Plastination.

With this system,
your body is kind of around forever,

it's sort of frozen in time,
in this Plastination stuff.

So, you kind of end up
being around longer dead

than you were when you were alive.

These are definitely real,
definitely? All of them?

It is mind-blowing
when you think he was walking about

and like, you know, he had problems,
he got annoyed about shit, you know.

And there he is, just hanging there.

I don't know...
I don't know if it's something I fancy.

Um... Is it better than the alternative
of just disappearing altogether?

Is it better to just wander off?

And that's it.
You've had your go, off you go now,

you know, you've had your turn on Earth,
let someone else have a go.

Stop getting in the way.

(CH UCKLES) That is insane, that, innit?

Nothing's gone in the bin there.

Like the most mental windchime ever,
innit?

You know what I mean?
The way it's just dangling there.

SIMON:
Would it freak you out if you knew him?

You know, if someone said,
"Have you seen Pete?

"Have you seen Pete recently?"

And this is like a toast rack,
a load of of poppadums, isn't it?

It's a full body.

That's one person, Simon, that.
Body, arms, hands.

What's happened here?

That's good, innit?

I imagine that is a tricky thing to do.

Like, if you ever get a loaf,

you know, one that isn't cut,

and I cut me own slice of bread,
I make a right mess.

Imagine how hard that is.

I can't even cut a loaf
and they've managed to do that.

You see, I'm thinking,
you need quite a bit of space

if you're going to have any of the other
displays, all the bits exploding.

Well, this one is good,

if you've got a big family and everyone
wants a part of you when you're gone.

Do you know what I mean?
(SLICING NOISE)

Cut you in bits
and then you're not taking up any...

I mean, you could stick that
in a wardrobe, couldn't you?

Do you know what I mean?
On a coat hanger.

They're never going to forget you.

Every day when they get up and they go
in the wardrobe, you're there.

- Hi. Good morning!
- Hi, Leena.

- KarL
- KarL

I'm wondering whether this is for me,
if this is a way that I'd like to go.

You know, a way of staying
on the planet for a bit longer.

We have a body donation programme
where people sign in, during lifetime,

I mean, I am body donor myself as well.

You're definitely doing it, this is...

Yeah, for many years.

I hope it's not coming too early.

But, uh, it's just a body.

My plan is to introduce you
to our anatomist, Fleutia.

He is a very experienced plastinator

and he's happy to guide you
through the day.

Flip it.

(EXHALES)

(KARL GRUNTS)

Okay?

Eyebrows, everything, nostril hair.

It's sort of the future
Madame Tussauds, in a way,

that's what that could be.

Sort of people who were known,
the proper ones instead of a waxwork.

That's what it needs, some sort of, uh,

yeah, a celebrity endorsement.

I bet that would make it easier
on the eye to a lot of people.

Better. Right! That's it!

-(FLEUTIA GRUNTS)
-(CLATI'ERING)

In a way, they're posing them

in a way that makes you, uh,
not scared of dead bodies.

And something that would help that
is it being familiar.

If when you walked round there,
there was people and you...

You're sort of walking around going,
"Fucking hell, here's Kylie."

You know, once she's dead and that.
"Fucking Madonna's over here!"

We'll be living, we'd be
having selfies with it and all that.

Honestly, I think that would work.

Thinking about it,
get some celebrities in here.

Get some, you know, Kim Kardashian.

She's always got her arse in the paper.

So get that on the table,
get that cut up.

She could fill that cabinet on her own,

just her arse, never mind the full body,

Kim Ka rdashian's full arse.

I think something that
a lot of people do these days

is spend time worrying about the future.

And the people who I'm meeting today,

they worry that
the end of the world is nigh

and they're planning for it.

You know,
like the disasters movies you see.

We're in LA,
these are where they're always set,

you know, Armageddon and Deep impact
and all that lot.

Something kicks off,
everybody's shitting themselves,

they don't know what to do,

they're running about
like headless chickens,

but these people are ready.

They see them films and they think,

"Yeah, I know what to do,
when that happens, I'm ready."

- Oh, hey, how are you doing?
- All right.

- You're Karl?
- Yeah.

It's nice to meet you.

KARL". You know, I've just come out
to look at your bunkers.

Everyone has a different reason
for having a shelter.

It may be an asteroid,
it may be a plague,

it may be nuclear war,
it may be artillery.

So what I do is
I start off with a pipe like this.

This will have two bedrooms in it,
a full kitchen,

a den, a dinner table,
entertainment centre,

electric fireplace, full bathroom,
walk-in shower.

It's basically like a house

and we're going to bury it
20 feet underground.

So how much are we looking at?
What sort of cost?

Typically, when everything
is said and done,

$150,000 to $200,000 US.

Jesus.

Well, that's actually not bad
when you consider it's a...

It's an insurance policy
for your family,

your most important asset's your family.

Suzanne's been
going to after me for a bit

about putting a fresh battery
in the fire alarm.

Not even prepared with that.

I haven't got a fire extinguisher.
I had a chain.

I had one of them chains on me door,

do you know the chains
that you open it, and then it locks.

I had one of them.

I suppose that's as close to this
as I've got.

But that's not going to stop from,
you know, Armageddon, is it?

"Is the chain on?"

KARL: Shoes off, take your shoes off?

MAN: Nah, nah, you can leave
your shoes on.

Nice as your apartment.

You have the comforts of home.

I mean, you can sit back here
on your leather couch,

you can prop your feet up,

just sit back and watch TV
as the world ends.

The idea of being in that,
I'd be scared that I'd get trapped.

That'd be horrible, that.

Being stuck in there,
cooped up like a baked bean.

Oh, makes me well dizzy, that.
But there's another idea that,

you know, rather than
hiding under the ground like a mole

for God knows how long,

is this idea that
the human race will move to Mars.

It might happen in our lifetime.

I was looking at it before on Google,
it said that, uh,

Mars has 40 more minutes a day
than this planet.

So again, that's a good little,

you know, programme's about
time and everything, innit?

That's quite a good little,
uh, selling point.

Having an extra, you know,
extra 40 minutes to do stuff.

We're always saying, on this planet,
that we don't have enough time.

We're always saying not enough hours
in the day and all that.

There's virtually another hour there,
so we'd get more done.

Collar up.

I'm eager to get there, you know,

and try this out, see if, you know,
this is the life for me.

"Pick up the hand-held radio.

"Make certain the outer door
is fully shut."

Hello, Pilkington here.

MAN: (ON RADIO) Hang tight,
we 're going to initiate the cycle.

He's doing it all real, isn't he?
He could just skip this bit.

- Hey.
- Mr Pilkington?

- Yeah.
- Commander Bakken. Welcome on Mars.

- Commander...
- Bakken.

- Bakken.
- Come on in.

All right, I'lljust call you Commander.

- Hello, everyone!
- WOMAN: Good morning!

- Hello!
- Hello!

- Kent, Harvey Kent.
- Good to meet you.

- Good to see you.
- Good to go?

KARL: Yeah, I think so, yeah.

We've been here for about 10 days now.

And you never...

You never, sort of, switch off and go,
"Right, that's enough for today.

"Let's just get back to normal life."
Get the mobiles out...

KENT: It would be fun.
But this is, uh, no.

We're trying to keep it close to sim.

Every time we go outside,
we have to suit up.

WOMAN: Okay, are you good?

A wasp couldn't get in here
or anything that's... A fly?

- No.
- That'd be irritating.

Our guys will get you out
really quick, okay?

Just so you know.

Crew member Pilkington,

the mission today is
we're going to scale a hill.

It's about a kilometre away.

We suspect that that hill is blocking
some comm signals from the relay tower.

So we're going to
check the signal strength

to confirm whether
that's the case or not.

Turn towards the door
so you don't bump the buttons.

Nat, this is EVA lead.

Lock is good to go,
we are opening the outer hatch

and we will immediately
cycle back to you, over.

- (BEEPS)
- All right.

- KARL: $0 like...
- Go ahead.

KARL". Push.

MAN: Yeah, sounds good,
don't go dying on me.

- Bring back chocolate.

(HICCUPS) Oh, got hiccups.

KARL". If we did come to Mars,
what year would it be?

MAN: Same year as it is here,
by Earth reckoning.

KARL: Wouldn't you start again
because you're no longer on that planet?

- So wouldn't it be year one?
{BEER

- MAN: I suppose it could be.
-(BEEP)

This is well annoying.

I've got sweat on me head
and I can't wipe it off.

At the start of the mission, there's
only going to be about 20 people.

It's not many people
to be knocking around with all the time,

you know, I mean, that's...

There's always going to be one
who's annoying.

It's like going to on a coach trip.
Have you ever done coach trips?

There's always some sort of gobshite
who doesn't shut up

and is annoying everyone.

That's what it'd be like.

MAN: Maintain visual contact
at all times.

MAN: Two parties of two
currently descending,

making their way
towards a rendezvous way point.

Crew member Pilkington and myself
are still at the summit.

No one's having normal chat, either,
you can't just chat.

It's all about going to back to EVA
and all that shit

having a talk back to base.

You just want to go out
and have a bit of peace and quiet.

You've got to tell everyone
where you're going.

Everyone's watching you.

I enjoy having a shit.

Would I have to report back to base
every time I want to go?

"He's been there a long time."

"Are you okay in there?"

"Yes, I am.

"just give me a minute,
just give me time to have a shit."

Come on, let's make our way down,
I'm running out of air.

I think they said I've got
about three minutes of air.

We brought a lot of the food here.

Everything is freeze-dried.

Like the mango dices,
freeze dried raspberries.

We've got broccoli, green peas,
stuff like that.

You know, powdered butter
and cheddar cheese, dry chicken.

We soak it for hours and hours
and then we add a lot of spices to it.

Yeah.

KARL: Anotherjoy of my life is eating

and everything just looks like
cardboard and dust.

It feels like prison to me,

it feels like some sort of...

Like I've done something wrong.

There's just nothing, no birds, trees.

You know, you miss trees.

It's funny how you don't appreciate
what's around you.

But you take it away,
and I'm feeling it already,

just after the little bit of time
I've had here.

It's the deadness of the planet,

the nothingness of it.

It feels like a Sunday.

I mean, it could get good, couldn't it?
I mean, over time.

Maybe one day
somebody will be here on Mars,

looking out the window,

and they'll have just recreated
what we are, you know.

There'll be a Tesco Local over there
and a Starbucks and a...

You know, it's just that we're seeing it
at the early stages.

This is like, um, this is like Margate,
you know,

that Phil and Kirstie
on Location, Location.

They're always saying,
"It's the time to buy in Margate.

"It's an up-and-coming area."

They've been saying that for five years.

KARL". But it takes a long time
for a place to establish itself

as a place that you want to live.

But it's whether you can be arsed
to hang around

and be part of that development.

Yeah, Suzanne wouldn't like it, either.

- SIMON: She wouldn't?
- No, it's not her thing, this.

And what, are you serious
about this as well?

If this comes up as a possibility?

Yeah. We'd alljump with the chance.

Yeah, Jesus. It's...

- MAN: Watch your head.
- Yeah, will do. (GRUNTS)

All right.

SIMON: You don't want to go to Mars,
do you?

Definitely not, definitely not.

(GRUNTING) Fuck's sake.

In fact, it annoys me
that we're that arrogant

that we think
we should carry on surviving.

Why are we all that?

I think we're the problem.

We are the virus to the planet.

We talk about all these
other sort of illnesses, bacteria,

and all the rest of it
that are trying to wipe us out,

but maybe that's the best thing
that can happen for Earth.

I just want t0... (MIMICS EXPLOSION)

...you know, let the planetjust...
(MIMICS EXPLOSION)

...and I won't know anything about it.

Me arse will hit the back of me head
and that'll be that.

It'd be nice to have maybe 30 seconds,

just to, you know, say to Suzanne,
"Oh, it's been good" and what have you.

They sort of talk about a three-minute
warning, though, don't they?

That's a long time
not to be shitting yourself.

I don't need three minutes,
'cause you can't do anything anyway.

So about 30 seconds,

they just come on the radio
and fade the record down.

"Right, everyone, we're all fucked,

"you've got 30 seconds, say your
goodbyes" and that's the end of it.

That's all I need
and I'm happy to go out, bang!