All language subtitles for A.Happening.Of.Monumental.Proportions.2017.720p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Dad!
We're gonna be late!

Dad?

Wakey, wakey!

Angela!

Darius, you need to stop
FaceTiming me so often.

Shit.

Is that one
of Mom's recipes?

Yep.

- Looks good.
- Thank you.

- Want to pray?
- Yeah.

Okay.
Thank you, Father,

thank you, Father,
for this food, for this food.

Many, many blessings, many, many
blessings, ah-men, ah-men, amen.

Amen.

- Did you finish your work?
- Yeah.

- Um, it was hard, but I called Isabella.
- Isabella?

I thought she was
not a good student.

She is, Dad.
Where'd you hear that from?

Well, you told me last year
she wasn't doing too well.

Especially not in math.

- That was last year.
- Okay.

What's at 1:30?

Come on.

- Career Day.
- Yeah.

Yeah. I'll be there.

It's just that there's
the time change, and I...

But this is the only time
we have to talk.

- I know that.
- Darius, the breakfast is ready.

In a minute!

If we don't FaceTime,
we won't talk.

How will we stay friends?

You need to make
new friends,

- ones that live in your own time zone.
- No, wait, please!

Just go out and meet people.
Make friends.

You'll be happier that way.
You'll see.

- Just, please, hold on.
- Bye, Darius.

Didn't you hear me calling you?

My huevoshave
gone cold, Rosa.

My huevos have gone cold.

- Christian?
- Hey.

What are you doing, man?

I was just meditating.

You all right, man?

Yeah. Yes.

Yeah, I'm good.
I'm awesome.

Bullshit.

Did she kick you out again?
'Cause you can't

keep passing out in your car
like this, man.

You're pissing everybody off
in the building.

Yeah. No, you're right.
Absolutely right.

Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.

Also, it's the 5th,
so if you could

drop your check off in my box,
that would be great.

You know what happens
when it's the 6th.

- That was...
- Huh?

...a one-time thing,
okay?

That's great.

Cool.

Sweetheart, please call us back.
Your dad and I are worried.

We know what happened
with the record label, honey.

I know you must
feel terrible.

We just want you to know

that we love you
no matter what.

Please give us a call, honey.
Please?

Ladies.

Well, did you call 911?

- Yes.
- What'd they say?

Well, they said
since he's already dead,

it's not technically
an emergency.

- I don't know about that, but...
- What are you doing?

Documenting. It's the first
part of any investigation.

This isn't an investigation.

- It is now.
- Ned, stop it.

If I see that
on the Facebook...

Facebook?

I'm on Snapchat.

- I think we should move him.
- Why?

Because the kids are gonna be
walking right by here!

The kids.
That's right.

Do you think
it would hurt him?

- Where should we put him?
- Um, let's put him in the, uh,

uh, up in
the teacher's lounge.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Well, good morning.

Good morning.

You're here early,
aren't you?

Well, why don't you just
take a seat,

and we'll be right back.

Okay.

Move!

Stop.

- Wait, please.
- Stop.

They told me to sit here
while they moved the man.

Sounds good to me.

He's gone.

1:30. I don't want you
to be late.

I'm not gonna be late.

- Promise?
- Yeah.

- Who's that?
- That's Mr. McCrow. He's the music teacher.

Is he smoking a cigarette?

Two.

Should he be doing that
on campus?

Probably not.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

Should you be smoking
on school grounds?

- I mean, the guy is smoking three...
- Dad!

- I don't under...
- Dad, I've gotta go.

Okay.
All right.

- One...
- Thirty.

Darius?

Today's my last day.

What?

I got a new job
with a new family.

I'm sorry. I...
I didn't know how to tell you.

You're leaving me?

It's just
too much moving.

Will I still see you?

I hope so.

Got you some Rolos...
to help you make friends.

Bye, Rosa.

Bye, Darius.

All right, there.

Principal Nichols?

- Jesus!
- I know.

We found him this morning
next to a big pile of manure.

He must've passed away

before he had a chance to
spread it over the lawn.

It's okay, Mindy.

But it really does
make you think...

about the anonymity of it all.

I mean, this man tended
to our grounds for a decade.

We don't even
know his name.

- Kevin.
- What?

Kevin.
His name was Kevin.

Kevin.

Thought it'd have been
something more Mex...

more monosyllabic.

Like Joe, maybe,
or, uh, Ted,

You know?
A good Ted.

But Kevin? Ha!

Never heard of a gardener
named Kevin.

Mindy, we need to leave him here
so the kids don't see him.

Now, I've called the paramedics.
They should be here soon. Oh!

You're just a big bag of surprises
this morning, aren't you, Kev!

That'll do, Ned.

Now, we've got to go out
and do morning assembly.

When the paramedics arrive, lead
them here and show them the body.

In the meantime, see if you can find
his emergency contact information.

- We should notify his family.
- Should I close the lounge?

Close the teacher's lounge?

Do you have any idea what kind of
shit storm that would unleash? No!

Okay, but if we're gonna be storing
a corpse here, don't you think...

Hey, morning,
everybody.

Say, did you guys catch
The Voicelast night?

There was this guy,
had the face of a toad.

I mean,
this guy was ugly,

even by amphibian
standards,

but then he opens
his mouth to sing,

and darned if that toad
doesn't just turn into

a strapping young prince
right before your very eyes.

But then I guess that's why
they call it The Voice.

Excuse me.
I'm sorry about this.

All right, have a good day.
I'll see you later.

- Close the lounge.
- Yeah, go ahead and close it.

Now.

- Hello?
- Daniel?

- Yeah?
- Daniel Crawford?

Yes.

This is Bob.

- Bob?
- Nadine's wife.

Husband.
Sorry, I meant husband.

Listen, I know about
you and Nadine.

- What?
- Spare me the bewilderment, Danny.

I know it's happening, you know it's
happening, we both know it's happening.

I'm calling because
I want to get lunch with you.

You want to get lunch with me?

- Yes.
- Why?

Lots of reasons,

curiosity being the largest,
I guess.

A man having sex
with your wife,

you're naturally inclined
to compare yourself to him.

It's masochistic
but unavoidable.

Oh, and there's one other thing.
I don't want to lie,

so I'm going to be very
up-front about this.

- I may kick your ass.
- No, Bob...

My secretary's going to call Nadine,
and they'll set up a time for us.

I'm totally cock-fucked
with appointments today,

but I think I'll be able
to squeeze it in.

Look, Bob, can I call you
later? Please, this...

Sorry, Daniel, got to run. I've got a
meeting I've been dreading all week.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit!

Morning, Daniel.

What's going on here?

The whole office
has gone bat-shit.

- That's what's going on.
- Why?

- They're not saying.
- Who? Who's not?

Building security. It's been
like this since 6:00 a.m.

They taped off the kitchen
and won't say why.

Can we use
the coffee machine?

Maybe you didn't hear me.

They taped off the kitchen!

How am I supposed to
get to my office?

You got to go down to the lobby
and take the freight elevator.

- Are you kidding?
- Do I look like I'm kidding?

This...
This is ridiculous.

Don't expect me to
cover for you, Daniel!

If you get caught, I'll roll over on you.
Don't do... Don't...

Field Publishing.

Good morning, Daniel.
I have some...

- Bob called.
- Shit.

- Look...
- You ruined my life.

- Do you hear me? You ruined my life!
- I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm glad to hear that. I'm
glad to hear that you're sorry!

In all fairness,
I wasn't acting alone.

Don't you dare try to put this on me.
You took advantage of me!

Took advantage? You sent me an email with
a typo saying you wanted to blow me.

- Well, you took me up on the offer!
- Yeah.

Let's not point fingers here.
We'll figure this out.

Gonna figure this out.
We're gonna figure this out?

That's easy for you to say.
You don't have anyone to lose!

I'm sorry.
That was mean.

Bob wants to have lunch
with me.

- And he's...
- My husband, Bob?

- Yes.
- Wants to have lunch with you?

- Yes.
- What's he gonna say to you?

What are you gonna say to him?
What are you gonna tell him?

Are you gonna
tell him about the...

Don't tell him.
Do not tell him.

- Don't talk to Bob!
- I'm telling you because he said

he was going to have his assistant
contact you and schedule it for today.

You can't have lunch with him today. He's
cock-fucked with appointments today.

Yeah, he said that.
He said that exactly, actually.

Oh, this is rich.

Enjoy your lunch with Bob,
Daniel.

And he's gluten-free,
so don't fuck it up!

Go through it.

Give it here.

What's this?

You know I'm allergic
to nuts, idiot.

I'll be back.
Hey, you're new.

- What?
- You're new.

Yes. This is my first day.

- I like your glasses.
- Thanks.

What are these, crystal?

Can I have my glasses back?

I'll think about it.

Come on.
I need them for class.

You can have them back if you
beat me in a pushing contest.

What's a pushing contest?

Come on, let's go.

- Thanks.
- Of course.

You might want to
stay away from Rufus.

Right.

What class are you looking for?

- 17-A, I think.
- Um, you're in my class.

Come on. Follow me.

I know you guys
are all super excited

for your parents to come
this afternoon for Career Day,

but we have a lot of work to do this
morning, so we're just gonna get going

on our crazy busy day,
all right?

Uh, Rufus,
are those your eyeglasses?

- No.
- Take them off.

We're gonna start with
going over last night's homework

before preparing for
the chapter test on Friday.

Hey.

Look, it's not important
which direction you go.

What's important
is that you commit.

If you're gonna go left,
go left.

If you're gonna go right,
just go right, all right?

Don't dick around and teeter
from foot to foot.

Just choose,

commit, and move.

You got it?
Say it back to me.

Choose, commit, move.

Yeah.

That's great.
Okay?

What was that all about?

Nadine, she...

It's nothing.

Look, Lenny,
I can't really talk.

I have some stuff
I need to finish early

so I can get to
Patricia's career day.

You ever done
one of those before?

- No.
- Wait, you got a plan?

Those kids
can be rough, man.

It's not like
standing up

and talking in front of
a group of 40-year-olds,

I can tell you that much.

Career day is an event.

It's a happening. It's a happening
of monumental proportions.

Those little fuckers
can be brutal.

You-You've been to one?

Last year. My nephew.

I was sure that
they were gonna love me,

that I was gonna leave
that classroom a champ.

They made me
feel like a loser.

Let me give you
some advice.

Don't lie. They can tell,
and they hate you for it.

- I don't care what they think.
- Yeah, but Patricia cares.

We've got a department meeting
in the conference room.

Building security
called it.

Come on.
I'll race you.

All right, everyone,
stop your talking.

Stop your talking!

My name's Arthur Schneedy.

Corporate transferred me over
here to shape this department up,

and shape it up I shall.

I want to be brief so we can all get
back to work, so I'm just gonna

turn it over to the head of building
security, Melanie Brickman.

- Melanie, you want to take it?
- Uh, it's Melissa, sir.

- Melissa. Melissa Brickman.
- Thank you.

Good morning, people.

My name's Melissa Brickman.

My friends call me Brick,

but none of you
are my friends,

so you can just disregard that
little peek behind the curtain.

I'm sure you've all noticed

the yellow caution tape
blocking off the hallway,

And I'm sure
the "foodies" among you

have noticed the department
kitchen is closed.

Right?

Well, I'm here
to explain why.

Got here around 5:00
this morning.

Did my usual rounds.
Nothing was out of the ordinary.

Everything seemed
hunky-dory.

It wasn't until about 6:00,
when Mr. Schneedy called

and informed me

that something was,
in fact, amiss.

Mr. Schneedy,

you wanna go ahead and tell them
what you told me?

First thing I did
in the morning,

I made a beeline
for the coffee machine.

I fired that baby up,
I gave her a few minutes,

came back to pour myself
a cup of Joe.

But when I tipped the carafe,
nothing came out.

Not a goddamn drop.

At first I was confused,
I was disoriented.

And then I spotted it.

The power cord
had been slashed.

That's right.

Somebody sabotaged
the coffee machine.

Ah, but it gets worse.

Next to the broken
appliance,

I found the following note:

"Fuck Field Publishing."

And it is adorned
with a god-awful drawing

of a human penis,

just shy of climax.

Now, once Mr. Schneedy

informed us
about the crime,

my boys did a sweep
of the department kitchen

and concluded that

the machine
had been sabotaged,

most likely
over the weekend.

So, the only people who
would've had access are

employees of Field Publishing,

accounts department,

which means
everyone in this room.

Now, Mr. Schneedy has
requested an investigation,

so we're gonna be setting up shop
in the conference room next door.

We're just gonna ask you all to
stop by, answer a few questions.

With all of your cooperation,
we hope to settle this matter

by the end of the day.

That's all I have for them
at this point, sir.

I'm not a stupid man.

I get it. I'm hip.

Let's keep it real.

I know what you're all thinking.

New guy comes in.

He's overreacting to
a relatively minor incident,

but let me be clear:

This is not about
an electrical appliance.

This is about vandalism.

All right, you can go.

One more thing. Uh, when
you're done talking to Brick,

I want you to shoot by my
office, introduce yourselves.

I want you to come prepared
with your name,

your favorite work achievement,

and one interesting fact
about yourself.

It'll be a good way for me
to get to know you all.

- This guy's dead.
- Yeah.

Well, this is
how I found him.

He was lying dead
like this outside

- by a pile of manure.
- A big pile of manure.

He was outside?

- Yes.
- And how did he get inside?

- We moved him.
- You moved him?

You bet we did.

I mean, we had to wheelbarrow him
up those stairs. It was a workout.

Do you know that moving
a dead person

without the consent
of the family

or civic authority is illegal?

- Totally!
- Wha... Wha...

She gave the orders
on that one.

Well, what were we
supposed to do?

We can't leave a corpse
in the middle of a field.

This school isn't public.

Next time you move
a dead body,

just make sure you ask
permission first.

Well, hopefully
there won't be a next time.

Lady, there's always
a next time.

Well, aren't you going to
take him with you?

- We're paramedics.
- So?

We don't deal with dead bodies,
we deal with dying people.

Whoa! So you're just
gonna leave him here?

We can't just drive dead bodies
around the city, okay?

We need to keep our van open
for real medical emergencies.

You know, people with strokes
or heart attacks.

People that have fallen off of
buildings, that sort of thing.

Well, what are we supposed
to do with him?

- Call the coroner.
- Oh, my God. I can't... No!

You're actually going to leave a
dead body in our teacher's lounge?

You're the one
who moved him.

What are they doing?

They took the donuts.

What... They're not
taking the body?

Well, apparently,
he's too dead for them.

- What?
- Did you tell everyone the lounge is closed?

- Yeah. They weren't too happy.
- No shit.

What about his emergency contacts?

We don't have anything
on file for him,

so I called
the landscaping company,

but they have four Kevins
on staff.

What? Ha!

Are you serious? They got four
gardeners over there named Kevin?

Yeah. So?

So, I'm still trying to
absorb the fact

that there's one gardener
named Kevin,

and you come in here
and tell me there are four?

I feel like it's a set
of Russian dolls.

I just keep, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin,
Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!

- Kevins coming out of my ears!
- Stop!

Just find out which Kevin he is
and contact his family.

In the meantime, I am going to
reach out to the coroner.

Mindy, Mindy, Mindy, wait.
Mindy, Mindy...

The Bayeux Tapestry
is a record

of all the Norman conquests,
which is amazing,

because they were actually
able to weave and...

All right, guys,
see you after art class.

Excuse me.

Can I have a word?

Um, sure.

In private, if you don't mind.

Okay.

Oh, my gosh!

- Would you like a Rolo?
- What are Rolos?

They're candies.
Adult candies.

Thank you.

So, um, what did you
want to talk to me about?

- I wanted to thank you for helping me this morning.
- Oh, yeah.

Don't worry about it.

It's tough being the new kid.

People, they seem
to pick on you.

- Yeah.
- I'm used to it, though.

I've been to tons
of different schools.

- You have?
- I just moved from London.

I've lived everywhere...
Chicago, New York,

Mumbai...
That was hot.

- I'm Darius.
- Nice to meet you.

I was named after
Darius the Great.

Who is Darius the Great?

- A musician.
- Cool.

Well, I'm Patricia.
I was named after my grandma.

- I bet she was a lovely woman.
- She's not dead.

Oh, good.

Hey, Christian.

You'll like this.

Mike Friedlander shat his pants
in my class this morning.

Right there
at his desk.

He gets this concentrated
look on his face,

and I'm thinking,
there's no way

he's that into my lecture
on sanding and then... pfft!

Whole room smells like a five-week-old
order of chicken tikka masala.

The boy
is 12 years old.

When does it end?

You all right?
What's going on?

When a man loses everything,

what's he got left?

Is this a trick question
or something?

No.

Uh... nothing.

If a man loses everything,
he has nothing left.

Yeah, that's about right.

You all right?
You seem more down than usual.

Over the weekend, I had this realization.
It's like,

- we spend our entire lives...
- Shit, they got the table saw.

Isaac!
Put the blade down!

Isaac!

- How long have you lived here?
- My whole life.

Your whole life?

Wow. Must be nice to have
that kind of stability.

- I guess.
- I used to.

Then my mom died.

Your mom died?

Yeah.

My mom did too.

Really? That's so...

Uh, I think we got to go
to class now.

- Right.
- Bye.

Patricia!

Yes?

- Will you go with me?
- Darius...

Look, I know it's
a big decision, so...

how about you think about it and
tell me at lunch before Career Day?

Sure.

Okay.

Patricia?

We got to find
the Swiss Army knife.

- What?
- Find the Swiss Army knife.

What do you mean,
"find the Swiss Army knife"?

Well, clearly whoever did this
used a Swiss Army knife.

- Why do you say that?
- I watch a lot of NCIS, Daniel,

and after a while you pick up on
certain investigative tactics.

Isn't NCISthe navy one?

Just because
the crimes are aquatic

don't mean that the techniques
are any less useful.

Gotta pay attention
to the little details.

That cord was cut clean.

That was a sharp blade.

All we got in the kitchen
are those little plastic knives.

You can't even cut a bagel
with one of those.

No.
It's not a scissor.

That'd be like
gnawing at that cord.

Nah,
this is a sharp blade.

Not a little Swiss Army knife
for your cuticles but, like,

a pocket knife,
Swiss Army knife.

- Kinda makes sense.
- "Kinda"?

No, it does make sense.
It's like The Fugitive.

- I don't want to hear about The Fugitiveagain.
- Find the one-armed man.

But we're not looking for a
one-armed man, we're looking for

a two-armed man with a Swiss Army knife.

- This is Daniel.
- Daniel, security is ready to see you.

- How are you, Daniel?
- Good.

Good. Care for anything to drink?
Water, soda, anything like that?

No, thanks.
I'm okay.

Coffee?

I thought the coffee
machine was broken.

I was just kidding.

You got your wits
about you.

You'd be shocked how many
we fool with that one.

Okay, children,

little ones, friends.

Jesus.

Look, um, I know
I said we would be

working on recorders today,
which is fun,

always is, but, um...

there's been
a change of plans.

What's up, Nathan?

I need to go
to the bathroom.

I sympathize with you,
my man, but, um,

I can't let anybody
leave today, all right?

The lesson's just
too important,

yeah, and, uh...

it actually might be
the most important lesson

that you've ever learned,
and, uh, trust me,

you'll learn it.

I'll get started.
Okay, so, uh...

today, guys,
I just want to

talk to you about...

- Fear?
- Failure!

Yeah.

Failure.

What time did you arrive
at work this morning, Daniel?

Around 9:00, I think.

When you got here at 9:00,
what did you do?

I walked in, and I saw,

you know, the...
the crime scene.

I asked what was going on,
and then I went into my office.

Daniel,

look me in the eye.

Did you sabotage
the coffee machine?

- Are you serious?
- Oh, I'm dead serious.

- It's a simple yes-or-no question.
- No.

Daniel, look me in the eyes.

- Did you sabotage...
- No!

Let me finish
the question.

I know what
you're going to ask.

Wow. You seem to have a strange
affinity for telepathy.

I did not sabotage
the coffee machine.

That'll be all, Mr. Crawford.
Thank you.

- You all right?
- No, it's a full-on interrogation.

What?

Hey, don't forget to
go meet the new boss.

Damn it!

Yell at me...

And it all
boils down to this.

All right, this is the moment
of clarity, wherein

pessimism gives way
to nihilism,

and nihilism gives way
to acceptance, right?

We will all reach this day.

And for me,

that day...

is today.

Today's that day.

- Daniel Crawford.
- Go on in, hon.

Daniel Crawford, sir.

- Please.
- Thank you.

How was your, uh,
meeting with Brick?

Fine. I mean,
it was a little intense.

Intense? How?

They're really just treating this
whole thing like it's a major crime.

Which makes sense.

Well, the whole purpose
of this sit-down is just

for me to get to know you,
so... let's hear it.

Okay. My name
is Daniel Crawford.

My proudest work achievement,

I would say,
I-I guess, is...

securing the Bridgewater
account... that was a big deal.

- The Bridgewater account?
- Yes.

That was...
That was your achievement?

You mean, was I
personally responsible?

- Yeah.
- No, but it was a team, you know...

Well, then, that's not really
your achievement, is it?

I mean, can you think
of anything that you've done

that other people
didn't have a hand in?

Yeah. Yeah.

Does it have to be recent?

Jesus, Daniel, it's not supposed
to be a difficult question.

The thing is,

- I'm an account manager, so...
- So?

So, the job I do
is mostly administrative.

- So?
- So, it's like,

what I do is help
the ship run smoothly.

It's not like I would have
a ton of achievements, per se.

I didn't ask you for a ton,
Daniel, I asked you for one.

Yeah.

You know, I...

I write the company newsletter.

The company newsletter?

Yes, I-I write it.

The company newsletter.

- Yes.
- Okay, uh,

why don't we just,
uh, move on.

Tell me something interesting
about yourself.

Well, something
interesting about me?

Yeah.

I play guitar.

Acoustic or electric?

Mostly acoustic.

That's not interesting,
Daniel.

Not interesting at all.

Well...

- Psst!
- What?

Have you thought about it?

I thought I had
until break.

You do. I just thought
I would check in, you know?

Oh, well, um, I haven't
really been thinking about it.

Okay, great.
No problem.

Psst!

- What?
- I just wanted to let you know

while you're thinking about it

that I'm a really great guy.

I always look both ways
before I cross the street,

and I don't kill bugs
unless they look poisonous.

I'll take it all
into account.

Great, thanks.

- Psst!
- What?

Can I borrow a pencil?

Oh, yeah. Sure.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

Daniel, hey,
you get my message?

I know I said
we could do lunch,

but it's gonna have to be
coffee instead.

I've been getting butt-punked
with meetings all morning.

3:00 work for you?

Actually, no.
That's why I called.

It doesn't. I have my daughter's
Career Day this afternoon.

I know that.
My wife is your assistant.

I'm pretty in the loop as far
as your schedule is concerned.

Right, but I don't know how long
Career Day's gonna last,

and I don't know if there's
some type of thing afterward.

- You mean like an after-party?
- Yeah.

Is Jay Z's kid
in the class?

Look, Bob, the truth is,
I don't want to meet.

No "buts," goddamn it! You put
your vagina in my wife's cock!

Cock in my wife's vagina!
You know what I mean.

You fucked my wife.
And now you owe me coffee.

And I mean that in a figurative
and literal sense,

because I fully expect you
to pay!

- I'll see you at 3:00, Daniel.
- Look, Bob, that's...

All right, everybody,
that's enough for today.

Patricia!
It's break.

Have you decided?

- Yes.
- Really?

No, I didn't mean
"yes" like "yes,"

I meant, "Yes, I've come
to a decision."

Look, Darius, um,

I'm sorry, but I don't
want to go out with you.

Is it because I'm new?

No, no. It has nothing
to do with that.

But if you knew me
better,

maybe you would
have said yes.

I mean, it's true
I don't know you, but...

- I see.
- Uh, are you okay?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Yes.

Oh. Oh, no.
Please don't cry.

It's just...

I've had
a really hard day.

Sorry.

Yes, well, I've been trying
all morning. Your line's been busy.

Yes, and they told me
to call you.

Look, just get here
as soon as you can.

Well, how long
will that be?

All right, fine.
Thank you.

So, what'd
the coroner say?

They said
they'd be here ASAP.

What does that mean?

Well, hopefully
within the hour.

- No, what does "ASAP" mean?
- A-S-A-P.

Oh, my God.

It means,

"as soon as possible."

Okay. So, do they think they'll
be here before Career Day starts?

How the hell
do I know, Ned?

Okay, so I reached out

to all the emergency contacts
for all the Kevins,

and they're insisting that
their Kevin is still alive.

Well, one of them
is wrong.

Yes, one is wrong,
but which one?

Look, until we can say for sure
which one it is,

I don't feel comfortable
calling these people.

Okay. I understand.

Lounge is closed.

- Is this a joke?
- I said the lounge is closed.

How come he gets
to be in here?

Gary, please?

So the faculty gets cast out
into the wilderness,

but the fucking gardener gets to
nosh on bear claws all day?

This is bullshit.

All right, all...

how long before the
parents start showing up?

Not long, and we need
to start preparing

for situations like this.

Somebody could stumble in here
before the coroner gets here

and destroys the body.

Coroners don't destroy
bodies, Ned.

Mindy, please.

Let's not lose the forest
for the tree.

Oh, my God.
Well, I'll be damned.

What?

He's got
a lottery ticket.

So?

So, it's a winner.

I doubt it.

How much?

Uh, I have no idea.

I can never figure
these fucking things out.

All right, let's see.
"Match three, show a prize.

Two diamonds doubles the prize.
Treasure chest triples the prize."

Okay, so he's...

What is he?

Hey, he won a free ticket.

- That is not a win.
- How is that not a win?

It's just a ruse to get you to
play this stupid game again.

Well, I'm keeping it.

Uh, you can't keep
a dead man's lottery ticket.

News flash, Mindy: You can't
move a dead man either,

but we did that, at what, 7:30
this morning, so I'm good.

- Throw it out, Ned.
- No way.

Ned...

I will buy you 10 tickets.
Just throw that one out.

Ten? I'm gonna hold you to that.
Mindy, you're my witness.

Okay, fine.
I'm your witness. God.

You got another coffee?

I'm sorry
I didn't get you one.

She just brought it to me
'cause of my knee.

- You're just gonna rub it in my face...
- Daniel Crawford?

- Yes?
- Mr. Schneedy wants to see you.

You wanted to see me?

Nadine just met with Brick
in the conference room,

and...

she told her something
very interesting.

She did?

Why don't you sit?

I'm... I'm sorry.

You're sorry?

Yes, I'm sorry.

I don't know what else to say.
I'm embarrassed.

Well, you should be. It's a
goddamn place of business.

You can't behave
like a child

and not expect to face
the consequences.

I know. You're right.

Yeah, I know I'm right.
I'm your boss.

Well, for what it's worth,
it ended this morning.

Her husband found out, and...

she pretty much hates me now,
so... it's over.

What the hell
are you talking about?

Wait, what exactly
did Nadine say?

Sweet holy Lord.

You're having an affair
with your assistant?

I thought
that's what she told Brick.

No, she said that you were the one
who sabotaged the coffee machine.

- What?
- You're cramming Nadine?

She said I sabotaged
the coffee machine?

- Do you have any idea how reckless that is?
- What did she say?

I told you what she said.
She said that

you were the one who sabotaged
the coffee machine.

- Two other assistants are backing...
- Two? Who?

Daniel, they overheard
you making plans last Friday.

Plans? Are you
fucking kidding me?

How much planning do I have
to do to slash an electric cord

and write "Fuck Field
Publishing" on a slip of paper?

I don't know, Daniel. I don't know the
inner workings of the criminal mind.

You believe this bullshit?
This is horseshit!

- I don't see why she should lie.
- I just told you she hates me.

Yeah, well, we have two other
assistants backing up their story.

Or did you break off affairs
with those too?

They're her friends.
You know how assistants are.

Actually, I don't know
how assistants are.

You know why?
'Cause I don't fuck 'em.

- I didn't...
- You're fired.

What?

You're fired.

Pack up your shit,
put it in a box,

and then follow your wandering
dick out of the building.

Thanks.

I did not sabotage
the coffee machine.

Escort.

Can I help you? 'Cause I'm
trying to get some work done.

- You got me fired.
- What?

I lost my job, Nadine.

- Daniel, they fired you?
- Yes.

I got fired, and now I have to go
speak at Patricia's Career Day.

Nadine, I'm out of cover sheets
for the memos.

Hang on
just a second, Aaron.

- I am so sorry. I didn't mean ever...
- Maybe you didn't hear me.

- Excuse me one second.
- Sorry. This is important.

- Why would you actually...
- I'm out of cover sheets for memos.

I'm having a conversation.
Hang on just a minute.

- Why would you tell him that I did that?
- I am so sorry.

- Aaron, please!
- It's what you intended!

- We're having a conversation!
- Could you hold up for a second?

- You intended this!
- I need the cover sheets.

- Aaron, please! Daniel, wait.
- Just give me the cover sheets.

Right here. Right up here.

- Here!
- Thank you.

It's pretty easy.

- All you had to do is just reach in a drawer...
- Dude...

Okay.

Just hand me your keycard,
and you're good to go.

All right.

- How are you?
- What?

How are you? I mean,
you've had such a crazy day...

Losing your job,
your plot getting foiled.

There wasn't a plot.

You don't have to justify
yourself to me, okay?

This is not the judicial part
of the office.

This is Human Resources.

I am a human being.
You are a human being.

We are humans,
being together.

I just want to know
you're doing okay.

- I'm not. I'm not okay.
- Hmm.

That's what I figured,
given your recent infractions,

but...

I wanted to hear
you say it.

Thanks for
all your good work.

Oh, hey, well, you know,

you train, you prepare,
and when the shit hits the fan,

you just hope that
muscle memory kicks in.

Well, it did, and I thank you.
Now you should go.

Oh, yeah. Um, okay.

We need the conference room.
Also, I got to head out early.

Yes, sir.

No one cares.

No one cares at all.

You all right there, pal?

Looks like you're having
a rough go.

- Do you want to talk about it?
- That's okay.

You wouldn't understand.

Maybe not,

but it couldn't hurt
to try, right?

Come on.

Maybe we should talk outside.

Nonsense.

A little bacteria here and there
is good for you.

Helps the immune system.

Come on.

So what's going on?

Do you have someone
to share your life with?

You mean like,
am I married?

Yes.

How long have you and
your wife been together?

Mm, seven years.

Would you say you enjoy
being with her?

Yes, most of the time.

Would you say
she's your everything?

What?

Would you say
she's your everything?

Uh, if pressed,

yes, I would say
she's my everything.

She's your everything.

She's my everything.

Your everything.

- My everything.
- Everything.

Okay, we've established her importance.
Let's move on.

If a man loses everything,

what does he have left?

- Have you been talking to Mr. McCrow?
- Who?

Never mind.
It's just... nothing.

Um, nothing.

If a man loses everything,
he has nothing left.

Thank you.

You've been
very helpful.

You got it.

I can't picture
her face anymore.

When I try,

all I get is fuzzy features
and hazy eyes.

I lived with her
for 15 years,

and I can't remember what she looks like,
and I know she looks like our daughter,

but I can't remember.

I can't...

Have you tried dating
or seeing someone else?

No. No.

Though I got involved
with Nadine.

Which...

- That was stupid.
- Nadine, Nadine, Nadine.

It got me fired, and now
I have a meeting with Bob.

Who's Bob?

Nadine's husband.

Why are you meeting
with her husband?

He wants to get coffee
at 3:00.

Scratch that, 3:30.

And I have to go to
my daughter's Career Day.

I have to speak at my daughter's
Career Day. What am I gonna say?

I would not mention
the coffeemaker

or getting fired

or Nadine.

Well, Daniel,
I'd love to talk all day,

but I do still
work here, so...

This does mark the end of your
tenure here at Field Publishing,

but I just want you to know
that I am available to you.

Okay? If you're
ever in distress,

need support,
or just a friendly voice,

I'm just a phone call away,
okay?

I may not be a registered therapist,
but I am a registered friend.

Thank you.

All right, good luck
out there, okay?

- Yeah.
- Gonna need it.

Oh, hey, Daniel?
I should mention to you

that Mr. Schneedy
requested that we cite

improper conduct as the reason
for your termination,

so you won't get unemployment
in this state.

- Serious?
- I know.

It's like, my hands
are so tied, you know,

but I think part
of being human...

You're an asshole.

Beth!

See him out!

Uh, let's see. Where
did we leave off last time?

We were talking
about the mayor.

Does anybody remember
where we left... Patricia?

Um, Darius is gone.

- What?
- Darius, the new kid?

Oh. No, he was here.

Um, but he's not now.

Well, you know what?
He probably got lost.

If he's not back in five
minutes, I'll go look for him.

Okay.

We were on 108.
Page 108.

Grab a crate.
Take a seat.

I'm gonna take
the LSAT this weekend.

I took the LSAT.

Mindy.
Phone, please?

Yeah, I'm getting it.

Cathaway Central.

Is this the person who's been calling
my family, telling them I'm dead?

Who the fuck
do you think you...

- Who was that?
- Kevin.

And the parents are here.

- Fuck!
- Okay, should I call the coroner again?

No, don't do that!

No, no, no, no, no.
They're already too late.

If anything, we should call them
and tell them not to come,

so we won't have to carry a dead body
out in the middle of Career Day.

All right. You should
probably get ready.

Maybe get on your work clothes
or something.

Thank you, Ned.

Come on, hurry up.

- You look worried.
- I'm fine.

I know you all have busy
schedules, and we appreciate

your taking the time
to come today and speak.

All right,
the format is pretty simple.

- Do you have dreams?
- Dreams?

Yeah, like goals,

ambitions, stuff like that.

I don't know. I guess.

Over the weekend,
I had a realization.

We all have these
grand aspirations

and these dreams

that we're never
gonna live up to.

We're just
gonna go alphabetically.

- What the fuck?
- Oh, God.

What the
hell are you doing here?

My kid's in this class.
What are you doing here?

I just... I just
love Career Days.

Excuse me. I'm sorry.
Uh...

- Is this Miss Arin's 6th-grade class?
- Yes, you're in the right place.

- Great.
- I just want you guys to pay attention today and really be...

What's your dream?

I wanted to be
a musician.

Were you any good?

Yeah, I was good.

I was pretty good.

You know,
I think I was good.

But it doesn't matter.

I'm gonna die having never
done anything, ever.

- The thing about hospice is...
- This is awkward.

Yeah.

You know, if I had any idea
you were gonna be here today,

I would've waited to
fire you till tomorrow.

- Wow. You got a big heart.
- Oh, don't patronize me.

- Don't talk to me.
- Shut up.

Well, my dad's name
is Daniel Crawford,

and he works for a magazine
publishing firm

called Field Publishing.

Oh, yeah. This'll be good.

Um, would you like a minute,
Mr. Crawford?

Would you like a minute?

No, no. I'm fine,
I'm fine.

Well, first of all,

I don't work for
Field Publishing anymore.

I got fired today.

So technically
I'm unemployed.

I don't have a career.
But, um,

I was an accounts manager,
and actually,

if any of you parents
know anyone that's hiring

or maybe hiring yourselves, I would
love to talk to you after class.

Well, I guess I can
take questions now.

- Yes?
- Why did you get fired?

I was accused of breaking
the department coffee machine.

Yeah.

- Did you do it?
- No.

- Yeah?
- What are you gonna do now?

I don't know.

My dad says you should
only do what you love.

- What does your dad do?
- He's an accountant.

And a liar.
An accountant and a liar.

Any more questions?

Uh, no, no. I think
that's enough for today.

- Thank you, Mr. Crawford.
- Oh, but there's one last thing, one last thing.

The guy who fired me

is standing right there!

Oh, God.

- Wow, really?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, you wanna? Okay.
How you doing?

- Who's next?
- I'm next. I'm next.

- We're going alphabetically.
- Well, that's okay.

I don't think we need to go
alphabetically.

- I think I'll go next.
- That would be great.

- Great. Yeah, let him go next.
- You okay with that?

Yeah.

- Let's see what you got.
- Okay, Darius,

why don't you
introduce me?

Where is he? Is he on
a bathroom break or something?

Hey, man, I'm spilling
my guts over here.

What, uh, brings you
up to the roof?

Nothing.

A man does not
go on a roof

in the middle of the day
for no reason.

Even if he is
a very small man.

So what's up?

I guess
I'm just lonely.

Yeah.

I'll introduce myself.
My name is Arthur Schneedy.

I am Darius's father.

I am senior operating officer
at Field Publishing.

My job involves
a lot of travel.

I'm constantly put in situations
where I'm forced to

take control of offices

filled with employees
who don't know me and resent me

because of my
superior status.

But I do my job.

The moment a problem arises,
I nip it in the bud.

Just this morning, I...

I was given
the opportunity

to show some new employees
how I do business.

I invited Daniel
into my office to discuss

a vandalized
coffee machine,

and he took that opportunity
to let it slip

that he had been carrying on a...
How do I put it?

A series of brisk workouts
in Cupid's gymnasium

- with his female office assistant.
- This is getting inappropriate!

I'm sorry,
but I got to finish.

- Okay, This is getting inappropriate.
- Hang on one second.

- Keep it about the career.
- Uh, yeah. This is exactly

- what I was dealing with at work today.
- They're 6th graders.

I appreciate that.

It turned out that Daniel
and his vagabond sausage,

they were violating
office policy.

They broke...
Everyone in the office

knows that
he broke rules...

Everyone in that office knows
that you are a piece of...

Tread lightly, Daniel.
Tread lightly.

The last person who called me
that, they got kicked real hard.

- Okay, boys, that's enough!
- Real hard.

- You...
- Don't do it.

- Are a piece...
- Daniel!

- You cannot un-ring that bell.
- Of shit!

- We're going outside!
- Let's go outside.

Outside!

- Yeah?
- Yeah, we're gonna do this.

- Oh, it's time to go!
- Yeah, uh-huh!

I need to ask you something,
because...

it would be irresponsible
not to, but...

you didn't come up here
to jump, did you?

'Cause if you did,

I can't let you
go through with it.

No. I just came up here
to get away.

Did you?

I'm gonna make you
my assistant.

Make you
my little assistant.

- Here's what I'm gonna do to you.
- I was tracking my steps.

All right. I'm ready.

You're going down!

Come to Daddy.
Come to Daddy.

- Come on.
- Come on, bro.

You wanna come?

You think I don't study
this madness?

What is going on?

- The roof!
- Oh, Jesus!

Uh, uh, call 911!

What's going on
down there?

Looks like a fight.

Looks more like they're dancing.

- Jesus.
- Who's that?

It's my mom.
She's worried about me.

You know how moms
can be, right?

My mom's dead.

So maybe you don't.

Come on, Grandpa!

- When did she die?
- A few years ago.

You miss her, huh?

When she was around,
the moving was easier.

I could handle
everything.

You're lucky
you still have your mom.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess I am.

You've gotta be
kidding me.

You wanna make it real?
You wanna make it real?

- Yeah!
- Make it real!

- Real!
- Real!

- Give me one sec.
- Yeah, yeah.

I think that's my dad.

Who, the guy
in the tank top?

Yeah.

I hate him.

Why? 'Cause he beats
people up at your school?

Because he's always making me move.
I'm always the new kid.

No one likes
the new kid.

They all pick on him, shove his
head in toilets, call him names.

- Being a kid sucks.
- Yes.

Yes, it does.

Lady, we're not gonna
pick up the dead guy.

No, the dead guy
is not the problem.

That is the problem.

- Suicide case?
- I don't blame him.

- Two. Two suicide cases.
- Well, we don't do suicides.

- What?
- We don't do suicides.

That is police domain.
Just call the cops.

We called 911.
Why do you keep showing up?

Why do you keep
requesting us?

911 is not a deejay.

You don't
make requests.

Well, clearly someone's never
worked in emergency services.

Is this interesting?

Is this interesting at all?

That's my boy up there.

Darius?

What's he saying?

I think he's shouting my name.

Your name's Darius?

- What are you doing up there?
- Like Darius the Great?

That's what I always
tell people,

but my parents just found
it in a name book.

Darius, sweetheart,
what are you doing up there?

I should
probably go down there.

- Yeah, you probably should.
- Darius, be careful!

Hey, um, I know
you had a rough day,

and you don't think anybody
cares about you,

but I enjoyed talking
with you, and,

for whatever it's worth,
I care.

Thanks...
What's your name?

Uh, well, you're supposed to
call me Mr. McCrow, but...

but just call me Christian,
all right?

Thanks, Christian.

And if you want my opinion,

I don't think
you're a failure.

Hey, Darius.

Yeah?

I think I'm gonna
come with you.

He's leaving!
He's not gonna jump!

Christian!

That was pretty scary.

I won.

Don't move.
The paramedics are coming.

- They're on their way.
- It's a miracle!

That has to be,
like, 30 feet!

Sir?

Sir, can you hear me?

Can you tell me your name,
please?

It's Christian.

- Any dilation?
- Yep.

Pulse? Okay.

Sir, I'm gonna put some oxygen on.
Just breathe normally, please.

- All right, on my count...
- Christian!

Hey.

Good move
leaving the roof.

Are you gonna be okay?

You should tell your dad
what you told me.

What the hell were you
doing up there?

I don't know.

What were you doing
up on the roof?

I don't want to move anymore.
I just don't want to move.

I love you, buddy.

Patricia...

How could you do that?

How could you just
come in here and...

Dad, do you know
how hard

I've been trying to keep
the two of us together?

- To keep us...
- Yes, I do.

And I behaved
like a real jerk.

And I'd be upset too
if my dad

showed up at school
and got into a fight.

It's not that.

You and I are supposed
to be a team.

Especially
now that Mom's gone.

You should've
told me first.

I deserved to know
before the rest of my class.

- You're right.
- And if you would've told me first,

I would've been
able to say

that we would be okay, and that
you would get another job,

and we'll make it through.

That's not your job.

It's not your job, okay?

I love you.

I'm sure glad
you take after Mom.

Yeah, me too.

Darius.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I am.

Dad, this is
my new friend, Darius.

- Nice to meet you, Darius.
- Nice to meet you, sir.

Actually,

Darius and I have
a lot in common.

His mom died too.

I'm very sorry to hear that.

See you at school
tomorrow?

Take it easy.

Yeah, you too.

I'll be right back.

Hey.
Thought that was you.

Daniel.

Bob?

So sorry I had to keep
rescheduling today.

I got, uh, fucking cock-rammed

with a whole series
of meetings this afternoon.

- You want to order something?
- No, I'm good.

You sure? Coffee, tea, anything like that?
This place is great.

No, my daughter's in the car waiting,
so I kind of want to make this quick.

- Smart.
- What's smart?

Bringing your daughter along so I
don't beat the shit out of you.

- That's not why she's here...
- It's fine.

Come on.
Follow me.

Watch your head.

The bathroom?

The bathroom.

All right.

Pull out your cock.

What?

I told you, Daniel,
I need to compare.

Healthy or not, I need to compare.
It's human nature.

I need to compare our height,
our weight, our hair color,

the way we pronounce certain
multisyllabic words.

By the way, could you say,
"antidisestablishmentarianism?"

Antidisestablishmentarianism.

Hmm. Interesting.

Anyway,
I need to compare.

And of all the things I need to compare,
the cock is the most important.

It's the part of you
that committed the act.

Look, I don't feel
comfortable

pulling out my cock
in front of you.

And I'm not comfortable knowing
you put your cock in my wife!

But I have to deal with it.
Now, pull it out!

What are you doing?

You know what, Bob?

I've had a hell
of a day today.

A hell of a day.

And I'm sorry what happened
with Nadine. I really am.

But life's too short
to waste time comparing cocks

with strangers
in coffee shop bathrooms.

My daughter's in the car waiting.
I'm gonna leave now.

Well, I'm gonna take your
unwillingness to pull out your cock

as a sign that
you have a tiny penis.

You can read it
any way you like.

Okay, I will.

You still want to
kick my ass?

No.

Nadine told me about
what happened today.

Her lying about
the coffee machine,

you getting fired
and all that.

- Looks like you've had enough for one day.
- That's kind of you to say.

Yeah, well I'm consoled
by the fact

that your penis
is unquestionably tiny.

You're free to go.

- Good to meet you, Daniel.
- You too, Bob.

- What is that, an Indian burn?
- Apache-style!

Oh, my God.
What happened to your arm?

This dude gave me
an Indian burn.

An Indian burn?
I didn't know adults did that.

Well, neither did I.

Well, are you
gonna be okay?

Yeah, I think I am.

Buckle up.

You've got to save me.

You've got to save me.

You've got to save me.

You've got to save me.

You've got to save me.

You've got to save me.

You've got to save me.

You've got to save me.

You've got to save me.

You've got to save me.

You've got to save me.

You've got to save me.

You've got to save me.

You've got to save me.

You've got to save me.

You've got to save me