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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,608 --> 00:00:08,877 OK, I GOT IT. HERE WE GO. 2 00:00:08,910 --> 00:00:10,945 Dick: SALLY! HARRY! 3 00:00:10,979 --> 00:00:13,047 SALLY, I HAVE TERRIBLE NEWS! 4 00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:15,183 DICK, GET IN THE PICTURE. 5 00:00:19,654 --> 00:00:22,857 I DIDN'T KNOW OUR CAMERA HAD A SELF-TIMER. 6 00:00:22,891 --> 00:00:25,159 WHAT'S A SELF-TIMER? 7 00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:27,228 OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, NEVER MIND. 8 00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:29,230 I HAVE SOME TERRIBLE NEWS! 9 00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:30,531 LIAM WAS GOING TO GO THROUGH WITH HIS PLAN 10 00:00:30,565 --> 00:00:32,667 TO TURN EARTH INTO PLANET MONKEY WORLD. 11 00:00:32,701 --> 00:00:34,535 SO, I HAD TO USE HIS OWN WEAPON 12 00:00:34,569 --> 00:00:36,004 TO TURN HIM INTO A CHIMP. 13 00:00:36,037 --> 00:00:37,105 OH, MY GOD. 14 00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:38,539 YOU CHIMPIFIED LIAM? 15 00:00:38,573 --> 00:00:39,774 YES! 16 00:00:39,808 --> 00:00:40,875 BUT THAT'S NOT THE WORST PART. 17 00:00:40,909 --> 00:00:42,043 MARY SAW ME DO IT. 18 00:00:42,076 --> 00:00:44,478 SHE WITNESSED SOMETHING ALIEN. 19 00:00:44,512 --> 00:00:46,781 THERE IS NO GOOD WAY TO EXPLAIN WHAT SHE SAW. 20 00:00:46,815 --> 00:00:48,950 OK, OK. 21 00:00:48,983 --> 00:00:50,719 DAMAGE CONTROL, YOU GUYS. 22 00:00:50,752 --> 00:00:52,821 WE HAVE TO NORMALIZE THE SITUATION. 23 00:00:52,854 --> 00:00:54,756 BUT HOW? 24 00:00:54,789 --> 00:00:59,861 WHAT IF WE CHIMPIFY EVERYONE IN... 25 00:00:59,894 --> 00:01:02,831 SAY, THE UKRAINE? 26 00:01:02,864 --> 00:01:06,835 WE TELL ALBRIGHT THAT LIAM IS UKRAINIAN. 27 00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:10,404 AND IT FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH HIM. 28 00:01:10,438 --> 00:01:11,840 IT'S SETTLED. 29 00:01:11,873 --> 00:01:13,041 TONIGHT WE FLY TO KIEV. 30 00:01:13,074 --> 00:01:13,942 WAIT, WAIT. 31 00:01:13,975 --> 00:01:15,844 THAT'S LIKE A 12-HOUR FLIGHT. 32 00:01:15,877 --> 00:01:18,246 OH, YEAH, AND YOU HAVE TO CONNECT THROUGH WARSAW. 33 00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:19,080 IT'S A BITCH. 34 00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:21,115 MMM. ONCE YOU GET THERE, 35 00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:22,851 YOU LOST THE WHOLE DAY. 36 00:01:22,884 --> 00:01:25,186 OOH! I HAVE A BETTER IDEA. 37 00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:27,622 WHY DON'T YOU JUST DENY IT 38 00:01:27,656 --> 00:01:30,424 AND THEN ACT LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED? 39 00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:34,128 THAT'S RIGHT. DENY. 40 00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:35,296 GOOD IDEA. 41 00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:38,399 AND WE HAVE A KICK-ASS UKRAINIAN PLAN "B." 42 00:02:15,937 --> 00:02:16,971 NINA, PLEASE, 43 00:02:17,005 --> 00:02:19,473 I NEED TO TALK TO YOU IN PERSON. 44 00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:22,977 I THINK THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH DICK. 45 00:02:23,011 --> 00:02:26,314 I THINK I MIGHT BE IN DANGER. 46 00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:30,651 NO, I HAVE NOT BEEN WATCHING OLD MOVIES. 47 00:02:30,685 --> 00:02:33,287 YES, I HAVE BEEN DRINKING. 48 00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:34,188 [KNOCKING] 49 00:02:34,222 --> 00:02:35,489 OH, MY GOD, THERE'S SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR. 50 00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:37,992 PLEASE STAY ON THE LINE. 51 00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:52,106 DICK! HI! 52 00:02:52,140 --> 00:02:53,541 HOW ARE YOU? GOOD TO SEE YOU. 53 00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:54,709 HOW YA DOING? EVERYTHING OK? 54 00:02:54,743 --> 00:02:55,543 YEAH, YEAH. 55 00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:56,711 MIND IF I COME IN? 56 00:02:56,745 --> 00:02:59,247 NO, NO. WHY WOULD I? 57 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:00,648 WELL, I GUESS YOU SHOULDN'T. 58 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:03,017 YOU ARE MY GIRLFRIEND, AREN'T YOU? 59 00:03:03,051 --> 00:03:04,285 SURE AM. 60 00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:07,856 HAVE BEEN FOR A LONG, LONG TIME. 61 00:03:07,889 --> 00:03:10,691 I'VE BEEN GOOD TO YOU. 62 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,327 MARY, WERE YOU TALKING ON THE TELEPHONE? 63 00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:14,929 NO, NO, NO. 64 00:03:14,963 --> 00:03:16,865 THERE'S NO DIAL TONE. 65 00:03:16,898 --> 00:03:18,432 HELLO? 66 00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:19,734 NINA! 67 00:03:19,768 --> 00:03:21,836 NO, EVERYTHING'S FINE HERE. 68 00:03:21,870 --> 00:03:23,671 YEAH, LIKE IT ALWAYS IS. 69 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,173 TELL HER, MARY. 70 00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:27,909 JUST LIKE HE SAYS, EVERYTHING'S FINE. 71 00:03:29,343 --> 00:03:31,746 DON'T WORRY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF HER. 72 00:03:33,181 --> 00:03:36,550 SO, I GUESS YOU WERE TALKING ON THE PHONE, HUH? 73 00:03:36,584 --> 00:03:38,686 T-T-T-T-TO NINA. 74 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,789 [NERVOUS LAUGH] 75 00:03:40,822 --> 00:03:43,057 YEAH, I GUESS I FORGOT. 76 00:03:43,091 --> 00:03:46,795 YOU FORGOT, HUH? HA HA HA. 77 00:03:48,196 --> 00:03:49,764 OH, WELL, THIS SURE HAS BEEN 78 00:03:49,798 --> 00:03:52,300 A NORMAL DAY FOR US, HUH? 79 00:03:53,201 --> 00:03:55,269 I'LL SEE YA! YEAH, BYE! 80 00:03:55,303 --> 00:03:56,070 DRIVE SAFELY! 81 00:03:56,104 --> 00:03:56,905 YES, PLEASE! 82 00:03:56,938 --> 00:04:00,875 [BOTH LAUGHING NERVOUSLY] 83 00:04:00,909 --> 00:04:02,410 OH! 84 00:04:05,814 --> 00:04:08,649 OH, MY GOD. LOOK AT THIS PLACE. 85 00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,819 YEAH, THERE MUST'VE BEEN A ROBBERY HERE. 86 00:04:10,852 --> 00:04:11,886 OH, NO. 87 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:13,187 I'M GONNA GO WITH MURDER. 88 00:04:13,221 --> 00:04:14,488 NO WAY, ROBBERY. 89 00:04:14,522 --> 00:04:15,523 MURDER. ROBBERY. 90 00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:16,490 MURDER! ROBBERY! 91 00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:18,726 YOU KNOW WHAT? LET'S NOT ARGUE ABOUT IT. 92 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:20,694 HOPEFULLY, WE'RE BOTH RIGHT, OK? 93 00:04:20,728 --> 00:04:22,196 HEY, RICO, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? 94 00:04:22,230 --> 00:04:23,264 THERE'S BEEN A ROBBERY. 95 00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:25,199 AW, DAMN! YEAH! 96 00:04:25,233 --> 00:04:26,901 YEAH, BUT DON'T WORRY, WE GOT THE GUY. 97 00:04:26,935 --> 00:04:28,069 COOL. IS DON HERE? 98 00:04:28,102 --> 00:04:29,838 NO, HE TOOK A SICK DAY 99 00:04:29,871 --> 00:04:32,206 TO CATCH UP ON HIS SOAPS. 100 00:04:32,240 --> 00:04:39,313 I'LL TAKE OVER FROM HERE, RICO. 101 00:04:39,347 --> 00:04:41,349 NAME? 102 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:42,083 SAM. 103 00:04:42,116 --> 00:04:44,185 SAM. 104 00:04:44,218 --> 00:04:47,155 WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND ONE OF THE ROBBERS, SAM? 105 00:04:47,188 --> 00:04:48,589 I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND. 106 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:51,492 DOESN'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND. 107 00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:54,562 POT PIES, BELLY STUFFERS, 108 00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:56,330 BREAKFAST IN SECONDS, 109 00:04:56,364 --> 00:04:59,233 AH, HERE WE ARE. PIZZA. 110 00:05:03,004 --> 00:05:04,105 DON? 111 00:05:04,138 --> 00:05:05,373 WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE? 112 00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:07,175 I'M, UH, INSPECTING. 113 00:05:07,208 --> 00:05:08,142 YEAH, UH... 114 00:05:08,176 --> 00:05:10,011 THESE FROZENS ARE UP TO CODE. 115 00:05:10,044 --> 00:05:12,246 GOOD WORK, PEOPLE! 116 00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:14,148 NOW, ONE LAST THING. 117 00:05:14,182 --> 00:05:16,584 TOMORROW NIGHT YOU WANNA GO OUT ON A DATE? 118 00:05:17,318 --> 00:05:18,452 HOW ABOUT 9:00? 119 00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:21,122 SLOW DOWN THERE, LET'S TRY ONE. 120 00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:23,391 SEE HOW IT GOES. 121 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:25,860 SO, IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE GONNA BE ON FREEZER DUTY, 122 00:05:25,894 --> 00:05:27,295 WHY DIDN'T YOU DRESS FOR IT? 123 00:05:27,328 --> 00:05:29,898 COLD DOESN'T BOTHER ME. 124 00:05:29,931 --> 00:05:31,499 THEN WHY ARE YOU SHAKING? 125 00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,434 WHY AM I SHAKING? 126 00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:36,737 I'M SHAKING BECAUSE THERE WAS A ROBBERY. 127 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:39,240 THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FREEZER DUTY. 128 00:05:39,273 --> 00:05:40,241 WHAT? 129 00:05:40,274 --> 00:05:43,077 I WAS HIDING FROM THE BAD GUY. 130 00:05:43,111 --> 00:05:44,812 I'M A COWARD. 131 00:05:46,114 --> 00:05:46,814 NO. 132 00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:49,383 THAT'S WHY I JOINED THE FORCE. 133 00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:51,252 ALL THOSE COPS AROUND, 134 00:05:51,285 --> 00:05:54,122 I THOUGHT I'D FEEL SAFE. 135 00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:00,861 THANKS FOR COMING OUT WITH ME. 136 00:06:00,895 --> 00:06:01,762 PURGE YOUR SOUL 137 00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,531 AND LET'S FLAG DOWN A WAITRESS. 138 00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:06,600 I THINK THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH DICK. 139 00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:12,673 I THINK I MIGHT BE IN DANGER. 140 00:06:16,244 --> 00:06:19,147 I THINK SHE'S READY FOR THE TALK. 141 00:06:19,180 --> 00:06:22,216 WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN SUSPICIOUS OF DR. SOLOMON. 142 00:06:22,250 --> 00:06:23,851 SECRETIVE ABOUT HIS PAST, 143 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,419 SPEAKS MANY LANGUAGES, 144 00:06:25,453 --> 00:06:28,322 PRETENDS NOT TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. 145 00:06:28,356 --> 00:06:30,524 WHAT ARE YOU SAYING-- HE HAS ANOTHER IDENTITY? 146 00:06:30,558 --> 00:06:31,492 YES. 147 00:06:31,525 --> 00:06:33,361 I THINK STUPID COLLEGE PROFESSOR 148 00:06:33,394 --> 00:06:36,130 IS JUST A FRONT. 149 00:06:36,164 --> 00:06:37,698 I THINK HE'S A STUPID 150 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:40,601 INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST. 151 00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,303 FACE FACTS, MARY. 152 00:06:42,336 --> 00:06:44,872 DICK SOLOMON FITS THE CLASSIC PROFILE 153 00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:47,075 OF A SERIAL KILLER. 154 00:06:47,108 --> 00:06:48,476 SERIAL KILLER?! 155 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:51,512 MOODY, HIGH FOREHEAD, 156 00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:54,815 LIVES IN AN OLD LADY'S ATTIC. 157 00:06:54,848 --> 00:06:57,118 ONLY ONE PIECE OF THE PUZZLE MISSING: 158 00:06:57,151 --> 00:07:00,588 YOUR HEAD IN A BOX. 159 00:07:06,127 --> 00:07:07,028 HEY, CUTIE. 160 00:07:07,061 --> 00:07:08,296 HEY, SAM. 161 00:07:08,329 --> 00:07:09,863 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 162 00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,232 SAM WORKS AT THE SUPERMARKET. 163 00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:13,334 BUT THIS PLACE TRIES TO BE A LITTLE FANCY, 164 00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:17,338 SO SAMANTHA WORKS HERE. 165 00:07:17,371 --> 00:07:20,208 WELL, WAIT A SECOND. SO, THERE'S YOU, 166 00:07:20,241 --> 00:07:21,909 AND THEN THERE'S SAM. 167 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:22,943 EXACTLY. 168 00:07:22,977 --> 00:07:26,680 OH. WELL, IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE BOTH WORKING. 169 00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:28,149 SO, 9:00 IS GOOD? 170 00:07:28,182 --> 00:07:30,218 FOR WHAT? 171 00:07:30,251 --> 00:07:31,285 WE'RE GOING OUT. 172 00:07:31,319 --> 00:07:35,456 WOW, SAMANTHA, YOU A TAKE-CHARGE KIND OF GIRL, HUH? 173 00:07:35,489 --> 00:07:37,391 WELL, OK, BUT...OH. 174 00:07:37,425 --> 00:07:39,360 9:00'S NO GOOD. I GOT PLANS. 175 00:07:39,393 --> 00:07:40,961 HOW ABOUT 7:00? 176 00:07:40,995 --> 00:07:43,597 UM...OK. I'LL BE THERE AT 7:00. 177 00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,666 OK. 178 00:07:46,067 --> 00:07:48,169 HI, TABLE FOR 2? 179 00:07:48,202 --> 00:07:50,304 RIGHT THIS WAY. 180 00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:54,708 HOT DAMN, I'M DATING TWINS. 181 00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:02,483 HELLO, MARY. 182 00:08:03,317 --> 00:08:06,087 WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT MY DESK? 183 00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:08,856 I'M LOOKING FOR SOME INFORMATION ABOUT YOU. 184 00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:12,293 ABOUT ME? WHAT'S TO KNOW? 185 00:08:12,326 --> 00:08:15,363 DICK, WHY DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD? 186 00:08:15,396 --> 00:08:17,165 HOW COME I'VE NEVER MET YOUR PARENTS? 187 00:08:17,198 --> 00:08:19,433 WELL, I TOLD THEM ALL ABOUT YOU, MARY, 188 00:08:19,467 --> 00:08:22,403 AND THEY DIDN'T WANT TO MEET YOU. 189 00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:27,575 WELL, WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES? 190 00:08:27,608 --> 00:08:28,909 WHERE ARE THEIR PICTURES? 191 00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:30,010 SOME MEMENTOS? 192 00:08:30,044 --> 00:08:31,912 UH, WELL... 193 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,714 OK, MARY... 194 00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:37,218 THIS IS MY FATHER'S LUCKY $1.00 BILL. 195 00:08:37,251 --> 00:08:38,419 AND, UH... 196 00:08:38,452 --> 00:08:40,454 AND THIS PENCIL WAS GIVEN TO MY MOTHER 197 00:08:40,488 --> 00:08:41,922 BY BABE RUTH. 198 00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:45,559 SEE HIS NUMBER? NUMBER 2. 199 00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:46,327 [SNAP] 200 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,162 HEY! I WAS GONNA PASS THAT ON 201 00:08:48,196 --> 00:08:50,564 TO MY SON WHEN I HAD ONE. 202 00:08:50,598 --> 00:08:52,933 YOU HAVE A SON. TOMMY. 203 00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:55,303 OH. RIGHT. 204 00:08:57,138 --> 00:08:59,340 DICK, I THINK YOU'VE BEEN HIDING SOMETHING FROM ME. 205 00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:00,574 AND I THINK YOU'VE BEEN HIDING IT 206 00:09:00,608 --> 00:09:01,809 FROM ME FOR 6 YEARS. 207 00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:03,711 WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT? 208 00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:08,216 I SAW YOU TURN A MAN INTO A MONKEY. 209 00:09:08,249 --> 00:09:11,152 ACTUALLY, IT WAS A CHIMPANZEE. 210 00:09:11,185 --> 00:09:12,986 AND IT NEVER HAPPENED. 211 00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:15,356 THAT'S IT! NO MORE COVERS, NO MORE LIES. 212 00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:17,091 I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE, 213 00:09:17,125 --> 00:09:18,226 I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE, 214 00:09:18,259 --> 00:09:18,892 ALL I KNOW IS THAT I... 215 00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:21,829 I CAN'T SEE YOU ANYMORE. 216 00:09:21,862 --> 00:09:24,165 GOOD-BYE, DICK. 217 00:09:25,133 --> 00:09:27,168 MARY, WAIT! 218 00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:33,707 OK. 219 00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:38,312 LOOK, I'VE BEEN WANTING TO TELL YOU THIS 220 00:09:38,346 --> 00:09:40,581 FOR A LONG TIME. 221 00:09:40,614 --> 00:09:42,816 THIS IS HARD. 222 00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,452 I WANT TO MAKE SURE I SAY IT RIGHT. 223 00:09:44,485 --> 00:09:45,453 IT'S OK. 224 00:09:45,486 --> 00:09:47,988 MARY, I'M... 225 00:09:48,021 --> 00:09:50,023 WHAT RHYMES WITH "SCHMALIEN?" 226 00:09:50,057 --> 00:09:51,091 OH, FORGET IT! 227 00:09:51,125 --> 00:09:55,028 MARY, I... DICK SOLOMON... 228 00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:56,997 AM AN ALIEN. 229 00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:00,868 FROM OUTER SPACE. 230 00:10:14,482 --> 00:10:15,983 [SPUTTERING] 231 00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:18,552 WHERE AM I? WHAT'S GOING ON? 232 00:10:18,586 --> 00:10:21,722 YOU LIED SO MUCH YOU PASSED OUT. 233 00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:27,528 MARY, IT'S TRUE. 234 00:10:28,796 --> 00:10:29,830 I'M THE HIGH COMMANDER 235 00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:31,732 OF AN EXPLORATORY MISSION 236 00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:34,168 THAT CAME TO EARTH 6 YEARS AGO 237 00:10:34,202 --> 00:10:36,437 TO STUDY MANKIND. 238 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:43,711 DOES YOUR FAMILY KNOW ABOUT THIS? 239 00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:47,181 WE'RE NOT A FAMILY, WE'RE A UNIT. 240 00:10:47,215 --> 00:10:48,916 TOMMY IS THE INFORMATION OFFICER, 241 00:10:48,949 --> 00:10:50,484 SALLY IS THE SECURITY OFFICER, 242 00:10:50,518 --> 00:10:53,020 AND HARRY HAS AN ENORMOUS TRANSMITTER 243 00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:54,988 IN HIS HEAD. 244 00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:57,358 OH, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE. 245 00:10:57,391 --> 00:10:59,793 EXCEPT FOR THE HARRY PART. 246 00:11:02,363 --> 00:11:05,399 OPEN YOUR MIND. 247 00:11:05,433 --> 00:11:06,234 THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING 248 00:11:06,267 --> 00:11:08,269 YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME. 249 00:11:08,302 --> 00:11:12,340 AND THEN THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU DO KNOW. 250 00:11:12,373 --> 00:11:16,244 THINK ABOUT HOW EVERY SINGLE TIME SOMETHING HAPPENS, 251 00:11:16,277 --> 00:11:18,446 IT'S LIKE I'M LEARNING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME, 252 00:11:18,479 --> 00:11:20,481 LIKE A CHILD. 253 00:11:20,514 --> 00:11:24,385 MARY, THINK ABOUT OUR ENTIRE 6-YEAR RELATIONSHIP, 254 00:11:24,418 --> 00:11:28,121 KNOWING THAT I'M AN ALIEN. 255 00:12:00,521 --> 00:12:03,257 YOU AN ALIEN. 256 00:12:03,291 --> 00:12:05,192 YES. 257 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:08,161 WHY DIDN'T I SEE THIS BEFORE? 258 00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:11,098 BECAUSE YOU'RE ONLY HUMAN. 259 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,606 DON? 260 00:12:18,639 --> 00:12:19,573 WHAT'S WITH THE POLICE TAPE 261 00:12:19,607 --> 00:12:21,609 SURROUNDING YOUR HOUSE? 262 00:12:23,477 --> 00:12:25,513 I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR COMPANY. 263 00:12:25,546 --> 00:12:27,180 I'M A COWARD. 264 00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:28,682 ALL RIGHT. NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME, 265 00:12:28,716 --> 00:12:31,051 DONALD LESLIE ORVILLE. 266 00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:32,620 EVER SINCE I HAVE KNOWN YOU, 267 00:12:32,653 --> 00:12:34,021 YOU HAVE GONE OUT THERE EVERY DAY 268 00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:35,188 AND DONE YOUR JOB, 269 00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:36,557 EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE SCARED TO DEATH. 270 00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:39,593 THERE'S ONLY ONE WORD FOR THAT KIND OF COWARD. 271 00:12:39,627 --> 00:12:41,529 BRAVE. 272 00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:43,597 I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. 273 00:12:43,631 --> 00:12:45,533 WELL, THINK AGAIN. 274 00:12:45,566 --> 00:12:46,634 AND YOU KNOW WHAT? 275 00:12:46,667 --> 00:12:49,002 NOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN HONEST WITH YOURSELF, 276 00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:51,405 YOU HAVE THE POWER 277 00:12:51,439 --> 00:12:54,442 TO BE THE MAN YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE, 278 00:12:54,475 --> 00:12:57,277 THE MAN YOU DESERVE TO BE, 279 00:12:57,311 --> 00:13:01,749 THE MAN I FELL IN LOVE WITH. 280 00:13:03,684 --> 00:13:05,419 I FEEL LIKE I CAN GO BACK OUT IN THE WORLD 281 00:13:05,453 --> 00:13:07,855 AND START AGAIN. 282 00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:10,558 I CAN ALWAYS TAPE MY SOAPS. 283 00:13:13,594 --> 00:13:15,195 THANK YOU, SALLY. 284 00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:17,498 MY PLEASURE. 285 00:13:17,531 --> 00:13:18,366 NOW... 286 00:13:18,399 --> 00:13:19,400 THAT'S MY BOY. 287 00:13:19,433 --> 00:13:21,902 [YELPS] 288 00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:23,771 WHAT? DID I POKE YOU? 289 00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:26,807 NO, IT'S JUST COLD AGAINST MY SKIN. 290 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:38,419 SO, CHECK IT OUT, DUBIE. 291 00:13:38,452 --> 00:13:42,122 I GOT 2 OF EVERYTHING. 292 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,157 FOR THE TWINS. 293 00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,494 I ONCE DATED TWINS. 294 00:13:46,527 --> 00:13:47,661 IT WAS SO CONFUSING. 295 00:13:47,695 --> 00:13:49,863 ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY DRESS ALIKE. 296 00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:51,799 TWINS DRESS ALIKE? 297 00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:56,169 WELL, THESE DID. THEY WERE THE MINNESOTA TWINS. 298 00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:57,638 Sam: HELLO! 299 00:13:57,671 --> 00:13:59,940 OH, IT'S 7:00. 300 00:13:59,973 --> 00:14:01,642 THAT MUST BE SAMANTHA. 301 00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:02,810 SHE'S THE POSH ONE, 302 00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:06,414 BUT I THINK SHE MIGHT BE THE MOST NAUGHTY. 303 00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:16,624 OH! OH! 304 00:14:16,657 --> 00:14:19,226 SAM. IT'S YOU. 305 00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:20,628 YOU'RE EARLY. 306 00:14:20,661 --> 00:14:22,095 WELL, MAYBE A LITTLE BIT. 307 00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:24,331 IS THAT A PROBLEM? 308 00:14:26,734 --> 00:14:29,102 NO! NOT AT ALL. 309 00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:30,871 HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND. 310 00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:31,939 THIS IS THE LIVING ROOM, 311 00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:33,073 THIS IS THE KITCHEN, 312 00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:34,775 AND THIS IS THE BATHROOM. IN YOU GO! 313 00:14:34,808 --> 00:14:37,545 WHY DON'T YOU GO IN THERE AND FRESHEN UP? 314 00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:42,816 OH, GREAT, NOW I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. 315 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,789 DICK... 316 00:14:48,822 --> 00:14:51,258 WHEN YOU CAME TO EARTH, 317 00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:52,693 WAS I YOUR FIRST? 318 00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:54,662 NO, I WAS. 319 00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:59,299 BUT YOU WERE A VERY DISTANT SECOND. 320 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:01,134 AW. 321 00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:04,938 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. IF I TOLD MY MOTHER 322 00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:06,373 I WAS DATING AN ALIEN, 323 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,642 IT WOULD KILL HER. 324 00:15:08,676 --> 00:15:09,610 DICK, LET'S CALL HER! 325 00:15:09,643 --> 00:15:13,180 NO, NO, MARY, NO. 326 00:15:13,213 --> 00:15:14,482 IT'S A SECRET. 327 00:15:14,515 --> 00:15:15,849 I'M JUST SO EXCITED. 328 00:15:15,883 --> 00:15:17,017 I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS. 329 00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:19,219 WELL, GO AHEAD. 330 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:20,420 DID YOU BUILD THE PYRAMIDS? 331 00:15:20,454 --> 00:15:23,090 ONLY THE ONE IN LAS VEGAS. 332 00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:24,291 WHAT ABOUT EASTER ISLAND? 333 00:15:24,324 --> 00:15:25,959 EASTER ISLAND WAS A PRACTICAL JOKE 334 00:15:25,993 --> 00:15:26,994 THAT GOT OUT OF HAND. 335 00:15:27,027 --> 00:15:29,730 OH! HA HA 336 00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:33,166 DICK, WHEN WE DIE 337 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,769 DO WE ALL BECOME PART OF ONE BIG SOUL? 338 00:15:35,803 --> 00:15:39,239 OH, THAT'S AS MUCH A MYSTERY ON MY PLANET AS IT IS HERE 339 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:42,876 BUT EVER SINCE I MET YOU, I FEEL CLOSER TO THE ANSWER 340 00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,850 I CAN'T BELIEVE MY BOYFRIEND IS AN ALIEN 341 00:15:52,853 --> 00:15:56,824 DICK, ON YOUR PLANET 342 00:15:56,857 --> 00:15:58,659 HOW DO YOU DO IT? 343 00:15:58,692 --> 00:16:00,928 WELL, IT'S SIMILAR TO EARTH 344 00:16:00,961 --> 00:16:04,097 TYPICALLY YOU LAUNCH A PROTO-PLASMA CAPSULE INTO YOUR 345 00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:06,199 PARTNERS RECEPTOR PORT AND THEN 346 00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:11,404 WAIT FOR AN IMPACT SUMMARY 347 00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:14,742 TAKE ME, SPACEMAN! 348 00:16:21,582 --> 00:16:23,183 I'M SCREWED. SAM'S HERE EARLY, 349 00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:25,152 AND HER SISTER SAMANTHA'S DUE ANY MINUTE. 350 00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:26,353 SO, YOU GOTTA GO OUTSIDE 351 00:16:26,386 --> 00:16:28,522 AND DISTRACT SAMANTHA WHEN SHE GETS HERE. 352 00:16:28,556 --> 00:16:29,557 HOW CAN I DO THAT? 353 00:16:29,590 --> 00:16:33,627 WELL, SHINY OBJECTS USUALLY WORK FOR ME. 354 00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:35,996 HA HA. 355 00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:37,831 UHH! 356 00:16:38,832 --> 00:16:40,167 OH! 357 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,401 SAMANTHA! 358 00:16:41,434 --> 00:16:42,936 YOU'RE HERE, TOO. 359 00:16:42,970 --> 00:16:43,771 TOO? 360 00:16:43,804 --> 00:16:46,940 TO...EAT. 361 00:16:46,974 --> 00:16:48,576 IN THE KITCHEN. 362 00:16:48,609 --> 00:16:50,243 WHERE PEOPLE ALWAYS EAT. 363 00:16:50,277 --> 00:16:51,411 NOT IN THE BATHROOM, 364 00:16:51,444 --> 00:16:53,180 WHERE THEY HIDE. 365 00:16:53,213 --> 00:16:55,215 STAY CALM. 366 00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:58,686 HARRY, IS SOMETHING WRONG? 367 00:16:58,719 --> 00:17:00,087 NO! 368 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,723 I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME! 369 00:17:02,756 --> 00:17:04,457 AND SO ARE YOU. 370 00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,093 SO, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT HERE 371 00:17:06,126 --> 00:17:08,095 AND COUNT TO 100? 372 00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:09,196 NO REASON. 373 00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:11,464 HARRY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 374 00:17:11,498 --> 00:17:13,366 TO CHECK ON THE HAM. 375 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,968 IT'S IN THE BATHROOM. 376 00:17:15,002 --> 00:17:17,671 IT'S AN OLD FAMILY RECIPE. 377 00:17:21,642 --> 00:17:23,076 SAM! QUICK! 378 00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:24,444 YOU'VE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE. 379 00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:25,478 HARRY? 380 00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:26,647 I DIDN'T SEE ANYBODY. 381 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,617 THAT'S BECAUSE YOU MISSED HER! 382 00:17:29,650 --> 00:17:30,517 COME ON. 383 00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:31,619 I WANT YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM 384 00:17:31,652 --> 00:17:33,587 AND SNEAK SAM OUT, OK? 385 00:17:33,621 --> 00:17:36,790 I THINK THE OTHER ONE MIGHT BE HOTTER, ANYWAY. 386 00:17:36,824 --> 00:17:38,926 HARRY. 387 00:17:38,959 --> 00:17:39,827 YES? 388 00:17:39,860 --> 00:17:40,828 WHAT'S GOING ON? 389 00:17:40,861 --> 00:17:43,664 NOTHING. LET'S GO EAT. 390 00:17:43,697 --> 00:17:46,734 ISN'T THE HAM IN THE BATHROOM? 391 00:17:46,767 --> 00:17:47,267 YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. 392 00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:49,336 [KNOCKS FROM BATHROOM] 393 00:17:49,369 --> 00:17:50,370 WHO'S THAT? 394 00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:51,238 IT'S THE HAM. 395 00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:52,940 [KNOCKING] 396 00:17:52,973 --> 00:17:54,307 IT MUST BE READY. 397 00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:57,077 HARRY, I KNOW SOMEBODY'S IN THERE. 398 00:17:57,110 --> 00:17:58,378 LOOK... 399 00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,748 I GOT A CONFESSION TO MAKE. 400 00:18:00,781 --> 00:18:03,150 I MADE 2 DATES TONIGHT. 401 00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,351 YOU DID? 402 00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:05,986 WHO'D YOU MAKE THE OTHER DATE WITH? 403 00:18:06,019 --> 00:18:09,522 I CAN'T TELL YOU. IT'S TOO SICK. 404 00:18:10,891 --> 00:18:13,060 HELLO. 405 00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:19,166 I WISH YOU TWO ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD. 406 00:18:21,935 --> 00:18:23,136 GREAT. 407 00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:26,139 NOW I LOST SAM AND SAMANTHA. 408 00:18:26,774 --> 00:18:29,376 THEY TOOK THE HAM! 409 00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,347 I HAVE LISTENED TO WHAT YOU'VE HAD TO SAY, 410 00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:35,548 I'VE PROCESSED IT, 411 00:18:35,582 --> 00:18:36,884 I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE MY MIND. 412 00:18:36,917 --> 00:18:38,151 I'M GONNA KILL ALBRIGHT. 413 00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:40,287 BUT YOU CAN'T! 414 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:41,855 DON'T WORRY, I'LL USE THE SECOND-MOST 415 00:18:41,889 --> 00:18:43,757 PAIN-FREE MANNER I CAN THINK OF. 416 00:18:43,791 --> 00:18:46,526 SALLY, SHE LOVES THAT WE'RE ALIENS. 417 00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:48,028 AND SHE LOVES THE SECRET. 418 00:18:48,061 --> 00:18:49,562 SHE THINKS IT'S SEXY. 419 00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:51,899 DICK, AS SECURITY OFFICER, 420 00:18:51,932 --> 00:18:55,068 I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF ALL SECURITY BREACHES. 421 00:18:55,102 --> 00:18:58,005 ANY HUMAN WHO KNOWS OUR TRUE IDENTITY 422 00:18:58,038 --> 00:18:59,707 MUST DIE. 423 00:18:59,740 --> 00:19:00,640 NOW, THOSE ARE THE RULES 424 00:19:00,674 --> 00:19:02,743 AND I'M STICKIN' WITH 'EM. 425 00:19:02,776 --> 00:19:04,678 OK. FINE. YOU'RE RIGHT. 426 00:19:04,712 --> 00:19:06,146 OK, THAT'S VERY MATURE. 427 00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:07,848 BIG NEWS, DON! THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW 428 00:19:07,881 --> 00:19:08,716 ABOUT SALLY, TOMMY, HARRY AND ME. 429 00:19:08,749 --> 00:19:10,751 OK, FINE, FINE! 430 00:19:12,052 --> 00:19:12,920 I WON'T KILL HER. 431 00:19:12,953 --> 00:19:15,088 BUT THIS CONVERSATION IS NOT OVER, MISTER! 432 00:19:15,122 --> 00:19:16,890 THANK YOU. 433 00:19:16,924 --> 00:19:19,626 SALLY, I REALLY TOOK YOUR ADVICE TO HEART. 434 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:20,660 SO, I WENT DOWN TO THE STATION 435 00:19:20,694 --> 00:19:21,995 AND I MADE SOME CHANGES. 436 00:19:22,029 --> 00:19:24,431 YOU VOLUNTEERED FOR THE ANTI-GANG UNIT? 437 00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:26,834 I'M OPENING A MUFFIN SHOP. 438 00:19:28,969 --> 00:19:30,503 WHAT? 439 00:19:30,537 --> 00:19:32,405 DON, THAT'S RIDICULOUS. 440 00:19:32,439 --> 00:19:34,107 YOU WERE MEANT TO BE A COP! 441 00:19:34,141 --> 00:19:36,343 ONLY IN YOUR DREAMS. 442 00:19:36,376 --> 00:19:38,946 WHENEVER I WAS AT WORK, I WAS SCARED. 443 00:19:38,979 --> 00:19:42,716 BUT WHENEVER I'M AROUND MUFFINS, 444 00:19:42,750 --> 00:19:44,985 NOT SO MUCH. 445 00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:50,590 DICK, GET IN HERE AND TELL DON 446 00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:53,894 WHAT YOU WERE GONNA TELL HIM! 447 00:19:57,164 --> 00:19:59,933 SO, IT TURNS OUT THAT SAM AND SAMANTHA 448 00:19:59,967 --> 00:20:03,070 WERE THE SAME PERSON. 449 00:20:03,103 --> 00:20:06,106 WHY ARE THE CRAZY ONES ALWAYS ATTRACTED TO ME? 450 00:20:07,941 --> 00:20:09,576 I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE 451 00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:11,178 DON TRADED IN HIS BADGE 452 00:20:11,211 --> 00:20:14,214 FOR AN APRON AND A WHISK. 453 00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:14,848 I'M JUST REALLY WORRIED 454 00:20:14,882 --> 00:20:16,649 HE'S GIVING UP HIS CALLING. 455 00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:17,350 [SIGH] 456 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:18,651 NOW THAT MARY KNOWS ABOUT US, 457 00:20:18,685 --> 00:20:20,420 WE SHOULD INVITE HER UP HERE 458 00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:22,389 TO MUSE WITH US ABOUT THE EARTH. 459 00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:27,494 OH, THIS DAY JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER. 460 00:20:27,527 --> 00:20:30,363 YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING INTERESTING ABOUT TWINS-- 461 00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:33,433 INCOMING MESSAGE FROM THE BIG GIANT HEAD. 462 00:20:33,466 --> 00:20:35,702 THE BIG GIANT HEAD SENDS CONGRATULATIONS 463 00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:37,737 ON A JOB WELL DONE-- NICE. 464 00:20:37,771 --> 00:20:39,339 AND NOTICE OF YOUR MISSION'S 465 00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:40,841 IMMINENT CANCELLATION. 466 00:20:40,874 --> 00:20:42,042 CANCELLATION? 467 00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:43,376 AN INTER-ALIEN COMPLAINT 468 00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:46,313 HAS BEEN LODGED BY LIAM NEESAM. 469 00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:48,015 AS YOU KNOW, THE USE OF A WEAPON 470 00:20:48,048 --> 00:20:50,984 AGAINST ANOTHER ALIEN IS A MISSION VIOLATION. 471 00:20:51,018 --> 00:20:52,352 HE WAS GONNA TURN US INTO CHIMPS! 472 00:20:52,385 --> 00:20:53,320 HE DID IT FIRST! 473 00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:57,157 IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO STARTED IT. 474 00:20:57,190 --> 00:20:59,259 THE BIG GIANT HEAD IS TELLING YOU 475 00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:01,228 THE MISSION IS OVER. 476 00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:02,863 NO! OVER? 477 00:21:02,896 --> 00:21:04,798 YES, AND THAT'S FINAL. 478 00:21:04,832 --> 00:21:07,667 YOU MUST LEAVE BY SATURDAY AT MIDNIGHT, 479 00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:10,303 WHEN YOUR EARTH BODIES WILL EXPIRE. 480 00:21:10,337 --> 00:21:14,107 TRANSMISSION ENDING IN 3, 2, 1. 481 00:21:14,141 --> 00:21:15,876 AH-CHOO! 482 00:21:17,277 --> 00:21:19,012 WHAT HAPPENED? 483 00:21:19,046 --> 00:21:21,381 WE HAVE TO GO HOME. 31219

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