Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,916
The chief beauty of this work
lies not so much in its style,
2
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:20,277
or in the extent and usefulness
of the information it conveys,
3
00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:23,000
as in its simple truthfulness.
4
00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:26,118
It forms a record of events
that really happened.
5
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:28,760
Other works may excel this
in depth of thought
6
00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:30,559
and knowledge of human nature,
7
00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:36,034
but for hopeless and incurable veracity,
nothing yet discovered can surpass it.
8
00:00:39,400 --> 00:00:41,312
There were four of us.
9
00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:44,040
George and William Samuel Harris
10
00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:47,477
and myself and Montmorency.
11
00:00:48,120 --> 00:00:53,070
We were sitting in my room, smoking
and talking about how bad we were.
12
00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:55,629
Bad from a medical point of view,
I mean, of course.
13
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:57,279
With me, it's giddiness.
14
00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,750
- It's giddiness with me, too.
- Hmm.
15
00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:01,960
Sometimes I have such extraordinary
fits of giddiness,
16
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,794
- I hardly know what I'm doing.
- I hardly know what I'm doing, too,
17
00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:07,315
I have such extraordinary
fits of giddiness.
18
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:09,551
With me, it's my liver
that's out of order.
19
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,040
Oh, how do you know?
20
00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:14,079
Well, I've been reading this patent
liver-pill circular which sets out
21
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:18,439
the various symptoms by which a man
can tell when his liver is out of order.
22
00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:19,749
I have them all,
23
00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:24,232
including what it calls "a general
disinclination to work of any kind".
24
00:01:24,320 --> 00:01:25,800
I've got that, too.
25
00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:27,997
I've been a martyr to it
since earliest boyhood.
26
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:30,595
- I was born with it.
- They didn't know it was my liver.
27
00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:33,798
Course, medical science was in
a far less advanced state than now.
28
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,839
They used to give me a clump
on the side of the head.
29
00:01:36,920 --> 00:01:39,389
- Didn't do any good.
- My whole body, you know...
30
00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:43,156
We sat there describing to each other
our maladies.
31
00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:47,553
I explained to George and Harris
how I felt when I got up in the morning.
32
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:51,037
And Harris told us how he felt
when he went to bed.
33
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,112
And George stood on the hearth rug
34
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,795
and gave us a clever and powerful
piece of acting,
35
00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,793
illustrative of how he felt
in the night.
36
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,237
George fancies he is ill,
37
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:02,913
but there's never anything
really the matter with him.
38
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,039
Mrs Poppets.
39
00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:16,031
Supper?
I suppose one should try.
40
00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:19,440
A cousin of mine who
is usually described on the charge-sheet
41
00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:21,989
as a medical student once told me
42
00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:26,359
that something in the stomach
often keeps disease in check.
43
00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:32,276
Steak and onions, and rhubarb pie.
44
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:37,355
Hmm.
45
00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:48,111
What we need is a rest.
46
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,556
Rest and a complete change.
47
00:02:50,640 --> 00:02:53,075
Leave the 19th century behind,
48
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,880
seek out some quaint, forgotten nook.
49
00:02:55,960 --> 00:03:00,193
Far from the madding crowd,
half as old as time.
50
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:03,990
- What we need is a sea trip.
- No, no, no.
51
00:03:04,760 --> 00:03:07,594
- I remember once...
- Not now, old chap.
52
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,036
Why don't we go up the river?
53
00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:13,272
Fresh air, the changing scene
will occupy our minds,
54
00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,192
including what there is of Harris'.
55
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:17,317
And the exercise
will make us sleep well.
56
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:21,030
I agree.
I think it a very sensible idea.
57
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:25,159
It just goes to show
that you should never write off a man
58
00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:27,755
just because he's never had
a sensible idea before.
59
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:29,672
- I propose.
- Second.
60
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,717
- Aye.
- Any against?
61
00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:38,437
Carried by three to one.
62
00:03:46,320 --> 00:03:51,076
The Thames,
couched in that green and golden valley,
63
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:55,757
winding and whispering, singing of
strange old tales and secrets
64
00:03:55,840 --> 00:04:01,632
as it flows under the fair canopy of
England sky through England's history.
65
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:05,680
Our little boat, borne along
on sun-dappled waters,
66
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,514
through shady woods
and blazing fields...
67
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,000
How about when it rains?
68
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,551
That's Harris all over.
69
00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:18,954
When George is hanged, Harris will be
the least romantic man in the world.
70
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,870
We had arranged that George,
who goes to sleep at a bank
71
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,917
from 10 till four every day
except Saturday,
72
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,390
when they wake him up
and put him outside at two,
73
00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:31,837
would join us when we got up the river
to Shepperton.
74
00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:33,877
Meanwhile, Harris and I
and the Gladstone
75
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,475
and the small handbag and the
two hampers and the big roll of rugs
76
00:04:36,560 --> 00:04:37,994
and some overcoats and mackintoshes
77
00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:40,720
and a melon by itself in a bag
and a Japanese umbrella
78
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:44,237
and a frying pan which wouldn't
go in anywhere and Montmorency
79
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,915
arrived on our way
to the Kingston train.
80
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:48,912
The 11:05 for Kingston?
81
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:51,435
11:05 for Kingston? Number 2, sir.
82
00:04:51,520 --> 00:04:54,797
Number 2? That's the Windsor Loop.
83
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:55,916
You want Number 1, sir.
84
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:59,676
Number 1 is the Reigate Stopping,
so I hear.
85
00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:04,038
- The 11:05 for Kingston?
- Oh, yes, indeed.
86
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:06,800
Well, I was just talking to a man
who said he'd seen it on Number 3.
87
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:08,917
He was almost positive about that.
88
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,151
Otherwise, there's a body of opinion
89
00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,278
which leans toward the eye-level
platform for the Kingston train.
90
00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:18,593
Though, in my opinion, sir,
that is the Southampton Express.
91
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:23,038
- They don't know, sir. You follow me.
- Thank you.
92
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:25,271
Monty, come along.
93
00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:31,832
I'm sorry to trouble you.
94
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:34,510
But are you the 11...
95
00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:40,158
...the 11:05 for Kingston?
96
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:42,232
Couldn't rightly say.
97
00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,880
I might be and then again
I might not be.
98
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:48,112
If I'm not, I'm the 9:32
for Virginia Water,
99
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:50,157
or the Guilford local.
100
00:05:56,360 --> 00:06:00,479
Could you please be
the 11:05 for Kingston?
101
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:05,032
Well, some train's
got to go to Kingston, innit?
102
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:10,319
Thank you very kindly, sir.
11:05 to Kingston it is.
103
00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,278
Thank you very much.
104
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:16,433
This is the Exeter mail, apparently.
105
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,831
Well, it might be.
Then again, it might not.
106
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:34,800
And so the railway system
107
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:39,193
which has made England the envy
of the world brought us to Kingston.
108
00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:56,109
And at 12:00, with our luggage stowed
and Montmorency unhappy
109
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,396
and deeply suspicious in the prow,
110
00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:01,837
out we rode onto the waters
which were to be our home.
111
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,798
We hoped up as far as Oxford,
112
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:08,113
though the possibilities for digression
along the Thames are infinite.
113
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,716
We had barely started
when Harris was minded to enquire
114
00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:14,872
whether I'd ever been
to Hampton Court Maze.
115
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:19,079
- Ever been to Hampton Court Maze, J?
- No.
116
00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:22,959
Harris said he went in once
to show a country cousin the way.
117
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,151
He had studied it up on a map.
118
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:29,074
We'll just go in so you can say
you've been, but it's very simple.
119
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:31,072
Absurd to call it a maze, really.
120
00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:35,871
Uh, we'll walk around for 10 minutes
and then go get some lunch, all right?
121
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:39,551
Well...
122
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,835
They met some people
soon after they got inside
123
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:46,754
who'd been in there
for three-quarters of an hour.
124
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:48,672
- Morning.
- Morning.
125
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,358
Want to get it over with?
You can follow me if you like.
126
00:07:52,440 --> 00:07:55,831
- I'm going in and coming out again.
- That's very kind of you, sir.
127
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,310
Everybody's welcome.
Just keep turning to the left.
128
00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:00,232
Thank God you've come, sir.
129
00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:03,472
- We'd just about given up hope, sir.
- This way.
130
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:09,474
And bit by bit, they picked up
all the people who were in the maze,
131
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,519
including a woman with a baby
who'd been in there all morning
132
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,752
and insisted on taking Harris' arm
for fear of losing him.
133
00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:16,876
Turn left, round here.
134
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:19,200
This way.
135
00:08:19,280 --> 00:08:21,636
Harris kept turning to the left.
136
00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:23,279
This way!
137
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,112
I suppose it's a very big maze.
138
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,953
Yes, yes, one of the largest in Europe.
139
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,999
Yes, it must be. Because we've walked
a good two miles already.
140
00:08:46,080 --> 00:08:47,196
Mmm.
141
00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:51,915
This way!
142
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:56,995
This way!
143
00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:03,149
Harris began to think it rather strange
himself, but he held on until...
144
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:07,280
Here, we passed that biscuit
10 minutes ago.
145
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:08,840
Impossible.
146
00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:12,231
Yes, we did. It's Albert's.
I saw him drop it down.
147
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:13,749
Well, according to the map...
148
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:16,196
I wish I'd never met you.
149
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:17,600
All right!
150
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:20,070
We'll go back to the entrance
and start again from there.
151
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:23,153
Keep turning... right.
152
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,759
Oh!
153
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,396
And so after turning right a good deal,
154
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,790
- he found himself...
- And here we are...
155
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:36,396
- ...in the middle.
- ...in the middle.
156
00:09:37,080 --> 00:09:39,311
Oh, just as I... Just as I'd...
157
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,871
Harris thought at first of pretending
that that was what he'd been aiming at,
158
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,553
but the crowd looked dangerous.
159
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:47,030
And he decided to treat it
as an accident,
160
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,191
and set off once more
towards the perimeter.
161
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:53,115
All right, keep going, keep going.
Keep to the right.
162
00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:56,876
Come on, there, keep to the right.
Keep going right!
163
00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,510
Finally, right again. And here we are.
164
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:07,800
Albert and I will stay here. You go on.
165
00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:09,633
Madam, I advise you to follow me.
166
00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:13,430
We're all right. You can pick us up
on your next time through.
167
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,079
You silly old baggage!
168
00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,516
Here, who do you think
you're talking to?
169
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:21,276
All right. Anyone who wants to stay here
for the rest of the day is welcome.
170
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,238
I'm going home now.
171
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:30,190
The optimists of the party
kept dwindling faith with Harris.
172
00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:33,000
The pessimists remained in the middle,
173
00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:35,231
and were swiftly vindicated.
174
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:39,359
Harris got his map out again,
175
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,875
but the sight of it
seemed to infuriate the mob.
176
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:42,960
They told him to...
177
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:44,713
Go and curl your hair with it!
178
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:45,960
- And to...
- Go and stuff it!
179
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,036
...away somewhere.
180
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:06,198
Evidently, it happens all the time.
181
00:11:06,280 --> 00:11:08,920
- It really is an awfully good maze.
- Mmm.
182
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,832
We must try and get George into it
on the way back.
183
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,240
Good idea.
184
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,437
- Incidentally...
- Mmm?
185
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,671
I'm quite willing to let you
scull for a bit if you want to.
186
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:18,831
Don't want to be selfish about it.
187
00:11:45,040 --> 00:11:48,670
- Put in here a while, J.
- Here? Why?
188
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:51,559
It's Hampton Church,
I want to see Mrs Thomas' tomb.
189
00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:53,233
Who's Mrs Thomas?
190
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:56,119
How should I know? She's just a lady
who has a funny tomb.
191
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:58,351
I know it's supposed to be
the proper thing to do
192
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:02,320
every time you see a church,
to rush off and enjoy the graves.
193
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,120
I don't hold with it
as a form of recreation.
194
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:07,317
Anyway, we haven't got time.
195
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,869
I have looked forward
to seeing Mrs Thomas' tomb
196
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:11,838
since the moment this trip was proposed.
197
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:14,833
In fact, I wouldn't have come but for
the thought of seeing Mrs Thomas' tomb.
198
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,879
This is just
morbid extravagance. I'm sorry.
199
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,040
Well, what about the scold's bridle
at Walton Church?
200
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:21,753
I must see the scold's bridle.
201
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:25,720
We have to get the boat up to
Shepperton by teatime to meet George.
202
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:29,111
Oh, hang George!
Why couldn't he get the day off?
203
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,475
What use is a bank anyway?
204
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,313
They take all your money
and when you want to write a cheque
205
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:33,675
it's referred to drawer.
206
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,355
Damn nerve!
I'm going to withdraw my account.
207
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,159
I'm going to get out and have a drink.
208
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,709
- There's some lemonade in the hamper.
- I said a drink!
209
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:44,237
Not your Sunday school slops,
lemonade, raspberry syrup...
210
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,471
- That poison! Dandelion and burdock...
- Pull on your line.
211
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:49,075
...ginger beer. If you ask me,
they ruin body and soul
212
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:50,480
and are responsible
for half the crime in England.
213
00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:53,029
- Pull on your line!
- I'm pulling.
214
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:55,994
The other one.
215
00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:10,953
I say, though.
This is the life, isn't it?
216
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:12,554
Rather.
217
00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:16,317
- Sorry if I was a bit touchy back there.
- Touchy? When?
218
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:19,120
Wasn't I a bit touchy
about George and Mrs Thomas?
219
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:21,396
Were you? I didn't notice.
220
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:23,039
Very kind of you
to concern yourself, though.
221
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:25,680
Not at all. Good egg.
222
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,673
Who's this?
223
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:36,719
Do you know you gents are trespassing?
224
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,438
What does he say?
225
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:42,592
He wants to know
if we know we're trespassing.
226
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:46,316
I'm not sure I've given the matter
sufficient consideration.
227
00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,279
We haven't given the matter
sufficient consideration.
228
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:53,479
But if you give us your assurance
that we are indeed trespassing,
229
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,677
we would without hesitation believe it.
230
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,480
Well, I tell you, you are trespassing.
231
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,392
- He says we are.
- Ah.
232
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,870
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
233
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,236
I'm supposed to throw you off!
234
00:14:05,600 --> 00:14:06,875
What does he say?
235
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,758
He says it's his duty to throw us off.
236
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:10,718
Oh, well, if it's his duty,
he ought to do it.
237
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,679
Does he say
how he intends to go about it?
238
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,998
No. He's taciturn on the subject.
239
00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:19,434
I shall tell the master.
240
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:22,638
Then come back and throw you both
in the river!
241
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:25,120
He only wanted a shilling.
242
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:29,035
He must make quite an income
blackmailing weak-minded noodles.
243
00:14:36,280 --> 00:14:39,432
Walton is quite a large place
for a riverside town,
244
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:42,957
but only the tiniest corner
comes down to the water.
245
00:14:43,040 --> 00:14:45,555
Caesar, of course
had a little place at Walton.
246
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,599
An entrenchment or a camp
or something of that sort.
247
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:51,434
He was a great upriver man, was Caesar.
248
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,831
And Queen Elizabeth was there, too.
And Cromwell.
249
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,071
They made a very odd trio.
250
00:14:57,160 --> 00:15:00,358
People used to comment
when they went on picnics.
251
00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:12,754
The first thing we saw at Shepperton
was George's blazer
252
00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,115
on one of the lock gates.
253
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,316
Hello, Harris!
254
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:16,550
- Hello!
- Hey!
255
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:18,074
J!
256
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:21,198
And closer inspection showed
that George was inside it.
257
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:24,512
- What's that? A frying pan?
- No.
258
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:27,274
They're all the rage up the river
this season. Everyone's got one.
259
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:28,953
It's a banjo.
260
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:32,073
I never knew you played the banjo.
261
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:33,160
Well, not exactly, no.
262
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:37,120
But it's very easy, they tell me.
And I've got the instruction book.
263
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:39,590
- Good.
- Banjo.
264
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,079
Suits you.
265
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,311
Goes awfully well with your outfit.
266
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:22,631
Do you like the blazer?
267
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,918
As an object to hang above a fruit bed
to frighten away the birds,
268
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,320
I should respect it.
269
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:29,676
As an article of dress
for any other human being
270
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,514
apart from a Margate Minstrel,
it makes me ill.
271
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:35,035
I've always found envy distasteful.
272
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:38,158
I noticed you and J were envious
the moment you saw it.
273
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,630
I can easily dispose of that idea.
274
00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:42,677
Your blazer wouldn't suit me at all.
275
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:46,356
I always like a darker red in my things.
Red and black.
276
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:50,236
You see, my hair's a sort of
rather golden brown colour.
277
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,118
Rather pretty shade, I've been told.
278
00:16:52,200 --> 00:16:56,274
And I find that dark red
really picks it up beautifully.
279
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:03,232
I always stick to yellows and browns.
280
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:05,357
My eyes have
an unusual kind of hazel glint.
281
00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:07,272
Rather mysterious, it's been remarked.
282
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:10,034
I find yellows and browns pick it up.
283
00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:13,033
Yes. You don't think your complexion
too ruddy for yellow?
284
00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:15,237
No. Yellow doesn't suit you at all,
285
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:16,834
there can be no doubt about that.
286
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:21,676
You really ought to take some blue and
white with a little cream touched in.
287
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:24,400
You really wouldn't look half bad
in blues and creams
288
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:25,994
if you kept your hat on.
289
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:28,470
Now, George, on the other hand...
290
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:33,272
Why is George
looking like a martyred goose?
291
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:35,636
It must be some girl.
292
00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:39,634
Everybody in the lock seemed
to have been suddenly struck wooden.
293
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,030
All the girls were smiling sweetly.
294
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:45,955
And all the fellows were frowning
and looking stern and noble.
295
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:49,192
And then at last,
the truth flashed across me.
296
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:55,680
I leant with careless grace
upon the hitcher,
297
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,958
in an attitude suggestive
of agility and strength.
298
00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:02,158
And threw an air of tender wistfulness
into my expression
299
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:05,790
mingled with a touch of cynicism,
which I'm told suits me.
300
00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:08,873
Oi, look at your nose!
301
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,838
Look at your nose!
302
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,678
George, I think there's something wrong
with your nose.
303
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,958
You three with the dog! Watch your nose!
304
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:21,238
Oh, it's our nose. It's our nose!
305
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:35,790
It was J's fault.
306
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:38,759
That's Harris all over, too.
You know, it always reminds me of...
307
00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:40,911
Not now, J.
308
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:14,880
There we are.
309
00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:17,429
We found a very pleasant nook
under a tree,
310
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,955
a little below Magna Carta Island.
311
00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:25,080
And with hardy any difficulty,
prepared the boat for the night.
312
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:57,079
Slowly the golden memory
of the dead sun faded.
313
00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,231
The birds ceased their song.
314
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:02,916
And only the plaintive cry and harsh
croak of the moorhen and the corncrake
315
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,913
stirred the awed hush
around the couch of waters
316
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,674
where dying day breathed out her last.
317
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,437
Night upon her sombre throne
318
00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,513
folds her black wings
above the darkening world,
319
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:18,116
and from her phantom palace
holds sway in stillness.
320
00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:24,511
♪ Two lovely black eyes
321
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,431
♪ Oh
322
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:34,993
♪ Oh, what a surprise
323
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,311
♪ Surprise
324
00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:44,675
♪ Oh, what a surprise
325
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:52,076
♪ Two lovely
326
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:57,838
♪ Two lovely black eyes ♪
327
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,758
King John had slept at Duncroft Hall.
328
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:18,433
And all the day before,
329
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:22,150
the little town of Staines has echoed
to the clang of armed men
330
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:25,836
and the clatter of horses
on its rough stones.
331
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:29,516
Since dawn, in the lower
of the two islands just above us,
332
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,354
there has been great clamour,
and the sound of many workmen.
333
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:36,435
In the great pavilion
brought there yester eve,
334
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:39,479
carpenters are busy nailing
tiers of seats,
335
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,472
and up the slope of Cooper's Hill
336
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:45,190
are gathered the wondering rustics
and curious townsfolk.
337
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:47,192
And some say that much good
to all the people
338
00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:49,590
will come from this day's work.
339
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,669
Then far down the road
in the morning sun
340
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,717
a cloud of dust has arisen,
341
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:58,953
and there comes a brilliant cavalcade
of gay-dressed lords and knights.
342
00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:01,635
And front and rear,
there ride the yeomen of the barons,
343
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:04,474
and in their midst, King John.
344
00:22:05,600 --> 00:22:10,391
The barge is waiting.
King John dismounts and takes his seat.
345
00:22:10,480 --> 00:22:13,996
And slowly the heavy,
bright-decked barge leaves the shore
346
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,197
and works ponderously
against the current
347
00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:18,875
till it grates against the bank
of the little island
348
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:22,920
that from this day will bear the name
Magna Carta Island.
349
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:27,800
We wait in breathless silence
till a great shout cleaves the air...
350
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,960
...and the great cornerstone
in England's temple of liberty has,
351
00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:35,350
now we know, been firmly laid.
352
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:38,990
What is the matter? Where am I?
353
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:43,279
Runnymede.
354
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:48,832
I'll be down in a minute. I think
I'll wear my black lace-up boots.
355
00:22:59,720 --> 00:23:03,111
We had made gigantic arrangements
for bathing.
356
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:06,830
I notice people always do that when
they are going anywhere near water.
357
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:11,199
We had packed three bath towels,
so as not to keep each other waiting.
358
00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,910
Well, who's going in first?
359
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,160
I mean, I don't think I ought to go in
because of my kidneys.
360
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:21,278
- And because of your liver.
- Liver. Yeah, yeah.
361
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:26,519
Yes. Well, I don't think I ought to
go in because of my liver, too.
362
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,435
Oh, I think that'll do for today.
363
00:23:38,200 --> 00:23:41,557
Hello! Old J's in.
He's got more pluck than I thought.
364
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:53,160
- Say, is it all right?
- It's lovely. Lovely.
365
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,516
Wouldn't have missed it for worlds.
366
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,399
All it wants is a little determination.
367
00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:01,673
Oh, that's better.
368
00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:04,992
Oh, damn it. My shirt's gone in.
369
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,676
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
370
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,274
Well, I don't see
what's so very funny about it.
371
00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:12,670
His shirt's gone in!
372
00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:15,717
- Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
- Oh, do shut up.
373
00:24:15,800 --> 00:24:18,156
Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
374
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,829
- Aren't you going to get it out?
- No.
375
00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:29,712
- It's not my shirt.
- It's not his shirt.
376
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:31,234
It's yours.
377
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,997
You silly cuckoo!
Can't you be more careful?
378
00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:37,231
You're not fit to be in a boat.
379
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:40,040
George is very dense
at seeing a joke sometimes.
380
00:24:40,120 --> 00:24:42,510
He says I did it on purpose,
which of course I did not.
381
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,559
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.
382
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,756
We'll have a light lunch
and eat properly tonight.
383
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:10,719
- There's some hard-boiled eggs.
- Jolly good. And the cold beef.
384
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:13,679
We can start with the potted shrimps
or the dressed crab.
385
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:14,989
- Or little of each.
- Or little of each
386
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:16,878
- and bread and butter.
- And some tomatoes.
387
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:19,475
- And finish off the ham.
- Followed by a bit of cheese.
388
00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:22,314
- Or the tinned pineapple.
- Or the tinned pineapple.
389
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:23,520
Followed by a bit of cheese.
390
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,751
You're all at sixes and sevens.
391
00:25:25,840 --> 00:25:28,833
When I say dip, dip. Dip!
392
00:25:30,560 --> 00:25:32,870
- Good God!
- Monty.
393
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,392
The thought of lunch
soon set the world to rights,
394
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:39,199
but it was not to last.
395
00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:43,797
There occurred a most depressing
and tragic setback to our equanimity.
396
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:47,392
It was Harris
who first realised the situation.
397
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:50,519
- We forgot mustard.
- What?
398
00:25:50,600 --> 00:25:52,000
No mustard.
399
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:54,791
Cold beef without mustard?
400
00:25:54,880 --> 00:25:56,439
You hardly ever have mustard.
401
00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:58,477
Well, that's why it's such a blow.
402
00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:00,995
You have mustard habitually
and thoughtlessly.
403
00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:02,912
You hardly know you're having it at all.
404
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,231
But when I want mustard, I want mustard!
405
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:07,118
This is what comes of
filling the boat up
406
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:09,271
with lemonade and bath towels
407
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:11,875
and all that useless clutter.
408
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:13,679
I knew it was a mistake to have come.
409
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:15,638
We didn't forget
the tinned pineapple, did we?
410
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:16,915
What?
411
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:19,430
Oh, pineapple.
412
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:21,716
Pineapple, first rate.
Let's have it open.
413
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,360
Right, that's a bit better.
414
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:35,436
Nothing quite like tinned pineapple.
415
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:38,035
Puts fresh pineapple in the shade.
416
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:39,873
It's the juice.
417
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:41,917
It's more of a syrup, really.
418
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,834
It's not exactly sweet,
it's not exactly bitter.
419
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:49,551
It's the way it's not exactly crunchy
and yet it's firm and clean-tasting.
420
00:26:51,280 --> 00:26:52,999
Where's the opener?
421
00:26:56,280 --> 00:26:59,159
Well, I'm...
I'm almost sure we've got one.
422
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:01,998
We must have.
423
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:14,194
You were supposed to bring it.
424
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:15,839
It was supposed to be in here
with all this lot.
425
00:27:15,920 --> 00:27:19,357
It's not...
It's not in the banjo, is it?
426
00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:21,636
- Really.
- It's just a question of...
427
00:28:14,160 --> 00:28:15,276
Damn!
428
00:28:47,960 --> 00:28:49,235
Ahhh!
429
00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:02,749
Ahhh!
430
00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:19,554
Ahh!
431
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:28,152
- Just be careful.
- Ah!
432
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:35,398
Let me, let me, let me!
433
00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:36,800
Let me!
434
00:29:57,160 --> 00:29:58,719
Ahhh!
435
00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:06,800
And we got into our boat
and rode away from that spot
436
00:30:06,880 --> 00:30:09,918
and never paused
till we reached Maidenhead.
437
00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:19,592
Maidenhead is a town of showy hotels,
438
00:30:19,680 --> 00:30:24,755
a snobbish place for the river swell
and his overdressed female companion,
439
00:30:24,840 --> 00:30:29,471
patronised chiefly
by dudes and ballet girls.
440
00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:33,560
The London Journal duke always hashis little place at Maidenhead.
441
00:30:33,640 --> 00:30:36,917
And the heroine of the
three-volume novel always dines there
442
00:30:37,000 --> 00:30:40,880
when she goes out on the spree
with somebody else's husband.
443
00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:47,240
Maidenhead, too, is the witch's kitchen
444
00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:51,360
which harbours that deceptively charming
demon of the river,
445
00:30:51,640 --> 00:30:53,597
the steam launch.
446
00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:01,873
But all that is left behind at Boulters.
447
00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:13,030
Between Boulters and Cookham locks
448
00:31:13,120 --> 00:31:16,955
is perhaps the sweetest stretch
of all the river.
449
00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:21,193
Cliveden Woods still wore
their dainty dress of spring,
450
00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:24,671
and rose up from the water's edge
in one long harmony
451
00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:28,117
of blended shades of fairy green.
452
00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:31,193
It always makes me feel...
I don't know...
453
00:31:31,280 --> 00:31:32,600
It makes me feel...
454
00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:36,594
- ...like a drink.
- It makes me feel like a drink, too.
455
00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:37,875
Yes.
456
00:31:40,320 --> 00:31:43,472
It's the exercise, the fresh air.
457
00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:46,917
- It's the rowing. Yes.
- The breathing.
458
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:51,350
All that fresh air
and exercise...
459
00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:54,159
It makes me feel as though I've got...
460
00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:57,074
Yes, it makes me feel
as though I've got...
461
00:31:57,160 --> 00:31:59,391
- ...a bit of wind.
- That's it.
462
00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:02,996
I've got it, too. I've been a martyr
to it from earliest boyhood.
463
00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:04,275
I was born with it.
464
00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:07,319
- No, no, no, Harris. A breeze.
- Hmm?
465
00:32:08,400 --> 00:32:09,880
Oh, good heavens!
466
00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:11,838
Shh! Don't say anything.
467
00:32:11,920 --> 00:32:14,594
By Jove! I think it's in our favour.
468
00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:17,673
- Quiet, man, they'll hear you.
- Act casual.
469
00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:50,552
But we had spoken too soon,
or too loudly.
470
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:53,792
Or perhaps they had spotted
George's blazer.
471
00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:57,040
For they were having sport with us,
472
00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:58,952
as flies to wanton boys.
473
00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:00,997
- Luff, luff to leeward!
- Idiot.
474
00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:02,720
- Why are you taking the sail down?
- Tack.
475
00:33:02,760 --> 00:33:03,796
Watch that tree.
476
00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:05,917
Luff, luff!
477
00:33:07,680 --> 00:33:09,319
Where's the wind?
478
00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:15,069
And so we went on to Marlow
and put up near the church.
479
00:33:27,280 --> 00:33:29,237
- Monty!
- Monty!
480
00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:31,434
- Monty!
- Monty!
481
00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:35,032
Marlow is one of the pleasantest
river centres I know of,
482
00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:37,635
with many quaint nooks and corners.
483
00:33:37,840 --> 00:33:40,674
William the Conqueror seized it
to give to Queen Matilda,
484
00:33:40,760 --> 00:33:43,229
ere it passed to the Earls of Warwick.
485
00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:46,950
Percy Bysshe Shelley lived a year
in Marlow in 1817,
486
00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:49,956
and here wrote The Revolt of Islam,
487
00:33:50,040 --> 00:33:51,918
with its touching dedication
to his wife.
488
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:53,116
- Monty!
- Monty!
489
00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:55,669
"So my summer task is ended, Mary
490
00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:59,158
"And I return to thee,
my own heart's home
491
00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:02,438
"The toil which stole thee
so many an hour is ended"
492
00:34:02,960 --> 00:34:04,474
"And the fruit is at thy feet."
493
00:34:08,920 --> 00:34:10,149
Sorry.
494
00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:12,797
There are lovely walks round Marlow.
495
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,475
Hard by is grand old Bisham Abbey.
496
00:34:15,720 --> 00:34:18,952
There is a secret room
high up in the thick walls.
497
00:34:19,360 --> 00:34:20,840
And a ghost.
498
00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:22,395
That of Lady Hoby,
499
00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:26,520
who beat her little boy to death
for not doing his homework properly.
500
00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:30,037
And in Bisham Church, she kneels piously
among her other children
501
00:34:30,120 --> 00:34:32,760
who did do their homework properly.
502
00:34:34,800 --> 00:34:36,393
Except for one,
503
00:34:36,720 --> 00:34:39,280
who did not live to walk to school.
504
00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:50,797
This is the best.
505
00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:54,317
I mean, this is the finest tomb.
506
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:57,832
In many years of viewing memorials,
507
00:34:57,920 --> 00:35:02,676
in my entire experience
of collecting tombs...
508
00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:05,198
Can we go out now?
509
00:35:19,800 --> 00:35:22,156
We spent the morning revittling.
510
00:35:22,680 --> 00:35:26,913
Our departure from Marlow I regard as
one of our greater successes.
511
00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:29,875
It was dignified and impressive
512
00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:32,031
without being ostentatious.
513
00:35:32,880 --> 00:35:34,000
By the time we had finished,
514
00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:36,236
we had as fine a collection
of boys with baskets
515
00:35:36,320 --> 00:35:37,800
as the heart could desire.
516
00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:41,351
And our embarkation must have been
as imposing a spectacle
517
00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:44,114
as Marlow had seen for many a long day.
518
00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:47,160
There, there's the bread.
Just put the bread just alongside the...
519
00:35:47,240 --> 00:35:49,232
Harris, where do you want these?
520
00:35:49,320 --> 00:35:50,880
Drinks here. Drinks up the front there.
521
00:35:50,960 --> 00:35:52,360
We'll put the drinks in first,
522
00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:55,035
then we can put things on top of them,
I think.
523
00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:56,600
Where are the pies?
524
00:35:56,680 --> 00:35:58,319
Let me see, sir.
525
00:35:58,400 --> 00:36:01,837
Was yours the steam launch
or the houseboat?
526
00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:04,840
No, it was the double sculling skiff.
527
00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:08,233
Steam launch indeed!
528
00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:09,959
I hate steam launches.
529
00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:12,515
I suppose every rowing man does.
530
00:36:12,680 --> 00:36:14,080
I never see a steam launch
531
00:36:14,160 --> 00:36:16,959
but I want to lure it
to some lonely part of the river
532
00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:18,918
and there strangle it.
533
00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:39,756
"No longer were the woods
to frame a bower
534
00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:42,719
"With interlaced branches mix and meet
535
00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:46,760
"Or where with sound
like many voices sweet
536
00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:49,912
"Waterfalls leap
among wild islands green
537
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:52,754
"Which framed for my lone boat
a low retreat
538
00:36:52,840 --> 00:36:56,754
"Of moss-grown trees and weeds,
shall I be seen"
539
00:36:56,840 --> 00:37:01,357
"But beside thee,
where my heart has ever been."
540
00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:09,950
Steam launch coming.
541
00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:13,397
- Get out of the way.
- Get out of the way!
542
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:16,510
Move on. Oi! Mind out, you fellows.
543
00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:18,432
- Get out of the way!
- Get out of the way, you chaps!
544
00:37:18,520 --> 00:37:20,398
I thought we might
have a drink at Hurley.
545
00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:23,439
- Oh, good. I'll show you Danes' Field.
- Is that a pub?
546
00:37:23,520 --> 00:37:24,954
- No, it's a field.
- Oh.
547
00:37:25,040 --> 00:37:27,600
Invading Danes camped there.
Not recently.
548
00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:30,434
You know,
I keep thinking I can hear voices.
549
00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:32,273
Then I thought
we could have a drink at Shiplake.
550
00:37:32,360 --> 00:37:33,953
Lovely church at Shiplake.
551
00:37:34,040 --> 00:37:36,032
You know who got married there? Guess.
552
00:37:36,120 --> 00:37:37,759
- Julius Caesar?
- Queen Elizabeth.
553
00:37:37,840 --> 00:37:39,479
Lord Tennyson.
554
00:37:40,080 --> 00:37:42,356
Bless my soul, George,
if it isn't a steamboat.
555
00:37:42,440 --> 00:37:45,399
- You know, I thought I heard something.
- Any chance of a tow?
556
00:37:57,160 --> 00:38:01,200
Medmenham Abbey once sheltered
the notorious Hell-Fire Club.
557
00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:06,159
It stands on the site of a Cistercian
monastery of the 13th century.
558
00:38:06,240 --> 00:38:10,393
The monks wore rough tunics,
ate no fish, meat or eggs,
559
00:38:10,480 --> 00:38:14,997
rose at midnight for mass,
and passed the day in total silence.
560
00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:17,914
A mode of life which might,
if not overdone,
561
00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:21,118
be a benefit to some of us,
especially Harris,
562
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:24,591
who not only eats fish, meat and eggs
at every opportunity,
563
00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:26,990
but often talks at the same time.
564
00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:29,436
Why isn't the kettle on, George?
565
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:44,751
- Could you spare us a little water?
- Certainly.
566
00:38:45,840 --> 00:38:46,956
Thank you so much.
567
00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:51,319
- Where? I mean, where do you keep it?
- It's always in the same place.
568
00:38:53,520 --> 00:38:55,273
I... I don't see it.
569
00:38:57,280 --> 00:38:58,999
Has it gone, then?
570
00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:04,596
It's still there.
571
00:39:04,680 --> 00:39:07,354
We can't drink the river, you know,
it's dangerous.
572
00:39:07,440 --> 00:39:09,159
I'm sorry to hear that.
573
00:39:09,240 --> 00:39:12,551
I've been drinking it meself
for the last 15 years.
574
00:39:14,160 --> 00:39:15,833
It's all right if you boil the water.
575
00:39:15,920 --> 00:39:17,070
- Are you sure?
- Oh, yes.
576
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:18,799
The germs are killed by the boiling.
577
00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:21,270
The little crawly things
called bacillis.
578
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:22,396
Bacillis?
579
00:39:22,480 --> 00:39:24,472
Yes. Can't stand the boiling.
Drives them wild.
580
00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:26,358
Man said he'd drunk it for 15 years.
581
00:39:26,440 --> 00:39:29,717
- How did he look?
- Not well. But he didn't boil it.
582
00:39:29,800 --> 00:39:31,234
I need this.
583
00:39:33,240 --> 00:39:35,436
- What's that?
- What's what?
584
00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:37,477
Floating in the river.
585
00:39:38,160 --> 00:39:40,117
A dead sheep.
586
00:39:45,320 --> 00:39:47,118
I don't want any tea.
587
00:39:47,200 --> 00:39:48,680
No, nor me.
588
00:39:49,160 --> 00:39:50,799
Just a habit, really.
589
00:39:50,880 --> 00:39:52,439
Not really thirsty.
590
00:39:52,520 --> 00:39:54,352
I've already had some.
591
00:39:54,640 --> 00:39:56,393
Do you think I'll get typhoid?
592
00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:58,153
Well, you'll know in a week or two.
593
00:39:58,240 --> 00:40:00,118
I should look up the symptoms
when you get back to London.
594
00:40:00,200 --> 00:40:03,352
Oh, no, I daren't do that.
That would be fatal.
595
00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:05,830
I remember once
looking at a medical dictionary
596
00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:07,752
to read up the treatment for hay fever.
597
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:08,910
Not now, old chap.
598
00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:11,435
And I began to study diseases generally.
599
00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:13,796
I'd turned to some devastating scourge
or other,
600
00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:17,191
and before I had glanced half down
the list of premonitory symptoms,
601
00:40:17,280 --> 00:40:18,873
it was borne in upon me that...
602
00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:20,474
I've got it.
603
00:40:20,680 --> 00:40:25,311
In despair, I turned over the pages,
came upon cholera, and discovered...
604
00:40:25,760 --> 00:40:26,760
Cholera!
605
00:40:26,840 --> 00:40:28,911
...that I'd got that, too.
606
00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:33,435
I must have had it for months
without knowing.
607
00:40:33,520 --> 00:40:35,352
Beginning to get interested in my case,
608
00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:37,909
I decided to go at it systematically.
609
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:39,434
I started at ague,
610
00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:41,801
which I was relieved to find
I had only in a modified form
611
00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:43,593
and might live for years.
612
00:40:43,680 --> 00:40:46,149
Bursitis, gout, impetigo and mumps
613
00:40:46,240 --> 00:40:48,197
I had evidently had since boyhood.
614
00:40:48,280 --> 00:40:50,749
And by the time
I had plodded through to xymosis,
615
00:40:50,840 --> 00:40:53,116
the only malady I could conclude
I had not got
616
00:40:53,200 --> 00:40:55,157
was housemaid's knee.
617
00:41:03,040 --> 00:41:05,509
Well, old chap,
what's the matter with you?
618
00:41:05,600 --> 00:41:08,195
I will not take up your time by
telling you what is the matter with me.
619
00:41:08,280 --> 00:41:09,634
Life is brief.
620
00:41:09,720 --> 00:41:11,439
So I will tell you
what is not the matter with me.
621
00:41:11,520 --> 00:41:13,751
I do not have housemaid's knee.
622
00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:16,435
Everything else, however, I have.
623
00:41:17,080 --> 00:41:19,800
And I told him
how I came to discover it all.
624
00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:22,270
Then he opened me and looked down me,
625
00:41:22,360 --> 00:41:24,829
and hit me on the chest
when I wasn't expecting it.
626
00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:27,674
And butted me with the side of his head.
627
00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:30,992
And then sat down
and wrote out a prescription.
628
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:36,312
I took it to the chemist.
629
00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:39,553
I don't keep it.
630
00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:42,190
- You are a chemist?
- I am a chemist.
631
00:41:42,280 --> 00:41:44,920
If I were a co-operative stores
and a family hotel combined,
632
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:46,559
I might be able to oblige you.
633
00:41:46,640 --> 00:41:49,519
Being only a chemist
puts me at a disadvantage.
634
00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:52,035
Well, what... What does it say?
635
00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:55,552
One pound of beefsteak
with a pint of bitter every six hours,
636
00:41:55,640 --> 00:41:57,313
one 10-mile walk every morning,
637
00:41:57,400 --> 00:41:58,800
one bed at 11 every night,
638
00:41:58,880 --> 00:42:01,076
and don't fill your head up
with things you don't understand.
639
00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:04,631
- I was telling George.
- I always like hearing that one.
640
00:42:09,720 --> 00:42:11,632
Have you ever done an Irish stew?
641
00:42:11,720 --> 00:42:13,916
Well, not exactly, you know.
But it's very easy.
642
00:42:14,000 --> 00:42:15,753
You just put in anything you want.
643
00:42:15,840 --> 00:42:19,151
It's a grand way of using up
all the odds and ends.
644
00:42:19,240 --> 00:42:22,995
A bit of bacon, vegetables, eggs.
645
00:42:23,440 --> 00:42:24,999
Tinned salmon.
646
00:42:27,200 --> 00:42:29,954
In fact, anything that comes to hand.
647
00:42:38,840 --> 00:42:41,958
Something seemed to disagree
with Harris that evening.
648
00:42:42,040 --> 00:42:43,554
Perhaps it was being on an island
649
00:42:43,640 --> 00:42:46,599
or not being used to the high living
which upset him.
650
00:42:46,680 --> 00:42:47,830
For myself...
651
00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:49,115
Well.
652
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:52,560
I don't know when
I've ever enjoyed a meal more.
653
00:42:52,640 --> 00:42:54,996
Jolly good, a bit rich.
654
00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:56,753
It's given me a bit of a tippy jummy.
655
00:42:56,840 --> 00:43:00,038
Who's for a drink and a stroll?
How about you, Harris?
656
00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:03,192
Harris said he'd row us over
and stay behind on the island
657
00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:05,954
to settle his stomach, as he put it,
with a toddy or two.
658
00:43:06,080 --> 00:43:08,072
Might have a little drink
to settle my stomach.
659
00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:10,470
You won't fall asleep, will you?
660
00:43:11,040 --> 00:43:14,033
And so, George and I
went for a mooch around.
661
00:43:15,560 --> 00:43:17,995
Must tell Harris we saw a church.
662
00:43:18,920 --> 00:43:20,240
And a pub.
663
00:43:20,960 --> 00:43:24,510
- Very nice pub.
- It was the best.
664
00:43:24,600 --> 00:43:26,000
The finest.
665
00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:30,630
I mean,
in all my years of visiting pubs...
666
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:34,791
In my entire experience
of bending the elbow...
667
00:43:37,800 --> 00:43:40,076
He's a card, old Harris.
668
00:43:42,960 --> 00:43:45,520
Harris! Harris!
669
00:43:45,600 --> 00:43:48,991
It had been arranged
that we were to shout when we returned,
670
00:43:49,080 --> 00:43:52,471
and Harris would come over
from the island to fetch us.
671
00:43:52,560 --> 00:43:53,914
Harris!
672
00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:04,517
Do you remember which island it was?
673
00:44:04,600 --> 00:44:06,717
They all look the same, don't they?
674
00:44:06,800 --> 00:44:09,395
How many are there? I mean, do you know?
675
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:11,233
There are only about four.
676
00:44:11,320 --> 00:44:13,232
We'll be all right if he's awake.
677
00:44:17,080 --> 00:44:19,879
Harris!
678
00:44:20,520 --> 00:44:22,079
Harris!
679
00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:24,277
- Harris!
- Harris!
680
00:44:24,520 --> 00:44:26,079
Harris!
681
00:44:27,160 --> 00:44:28,355
Harris!
682
00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:31,713
You'd think the dog would hear.
683
00:44:31,800 --> 00:44:33,678
- Harris!
- Harris!
684
00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:37,718
- Harris!
- Monty!
685
00:44:39,360 --> 00:44:42,000
That's it! I'm going to stay
exactly like this until the morning.
686
00:44:42,080 --> 00:44:44,037
I don't know where we are,
I don't know where Harris is,
687
00:44:44,120 --> 00:44:45,793
I'm going to die anyway,
688
00:44:45,880 --> 00:44:47,997
I'm not going to move any more.
689
00:44:49,280 --> 00:44:51,237
Hang on, what was that?
690
00:44:55,040 --> 00:44:58,033
- Harris? Harris?
- Harris?
691
00:44:59,320 --> 00:45:01,073
- Harris!
- Harris!
692
00:45:33,680 --> 00:45:35,399
What's the matter?
693
00:45:35,720 --> 00:45:37,120
He's asleep.
694
00:45:40,640 --> 00:45:42,552
What happened to you?
695
00:45:43,360 --> 00:45:44,680
Swans.
696
00:45:45,920 --> 00:45:47,195
Swans?
697
00:45:47,280 --> 00:45:49,237
I had to fight them off.
698
00:45:49,680 --> 00:45:52,115
There were eight of them all around me.
699
00:45:52,200 --> 00:45:54,669
- How many?
- Terrible battle,
700
00:45:55,400 --> 00:45:57,357
fighting 14 swans.
701
00:45:57,840 --> 00:45:59,877
- How many?
- Eighteen.
702
00:46:00,560 --> 00:46:03,473
Fought them for three hours
with the oar. Can you imagine it?
703
00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:05,756
Fighting 32 swans?
704
00:46:07,600 --> 00:46:09,398
You said 18 just now.
705
00:46:09,480 --> 00:46:11,392
No, I didn't. I said 12.
706
00:46:12,080 --> 00:46:13,833
Think I can't count?
707
00:46:32,600 --> 00:46:34,717
What shall we have for breakfast?
708
00:46:34,800 --> 00:46:38,635
Something plain. Very, very, very plain.
709
00:46:45,200 --> 00:46:47,510
What was all that last night
about swans?
710
00:46:47,600 --> 00:46:49,034
What swans?
711
00:46:49,800 --> 00:46:51,837
Never mind.
712
00:47:06,120 --> 00:47:08,840
It's my turn to steer.
You two take the sculls,
713
00:47:08,920 --> 00:47:11,230
it's about time you and J
did a bit of work for a change.
714
00:47:11,320 --> 00:47:13,551
Ha! Fancy George talking about work.
715
00:47:13,640 --> 00:47:16,000
- Have you ever seen him work?
- Certainly not on this trip.
716
00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:18,197
I don't see how you'd know,
you're asleep half the time.
717
00:47:18,280 --> 00:47:20,670
Have you ever seen Harris fully awake
except at mealtimes?
718
00:47:20,760 --> 00:47:23,355
Honesty compels me to say no.
719
00:47:23,520 --> 00:47:26,035
- Well, I've done more work that you.
- You could hardly have done less.
720
00:47:26,120 --> 00:47:27,520
Oh, J thinks he's the passenger.
721
00:47:27,600 --> 00:47:29,751
So, that's your gratitude to me
722
00:47:29,840 --> 00:47:33,800
for bringing you and your wretched boat
all the way up from Kingston?
723
00:47:33,880 --> 00:47:35,599
And supervising everything?
724
00:47:35,720 --> 00:47:37,951
And slaving away over you?
725
00:47:38,040 --> 00:47:40,236
Well, it's not more than I expected.
726
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:43,358
- Supervising? Oh, that's very nice.
- I've done the share of the work.
727
00:47:43,440 --> 00:47:46,000
Thank you, headmaster, very much,
for coming on the trip.
728
00:47:49,160 --> 00:47:51,470
- Get out of the way...
- It's about time I...
729
00:47:51,560 --> 00:47:53,517
I'm putting the banjo
in its proper place.
730
00:47:56,080 --> 00:48:00,836
It was finally agreed that Harris
and George would scull up past Reading,
731
00:48:00,920 --> 00:48:03,196
and I would take the boat from there.
732
00:48:03,280 --> 00:48:06,114
We were evidently
becoming old river hands.
733
00:48:06,200 --> 00:48:08,157
Call this hard work?
734
00:48:08,400 --> 00:48:11,234
Why, only last season Jim Biffles,
Jack and myself
735
00:48:11,320 --> 00:48:14,870
pulled all the way from Marlow
to Goring in one afternoon.
736
00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:17,429
Never stopped once.
Do you remember that, Jack?
737
00:48:17,520 --> 00:48:19,671
You can always tell an old river hand
738
00:48:19,760 --> 00:48:21,797
by the way he likes to
give others a chance.
739
00:48:21,880 --> 00:48:24,190
Catch the wind, too.
740
00:48:26,920 --> 00:48:29,435
One can't help but deplore
the way the river's abused
741
00:48:29,520 --> 00:48:31,910
by young pups and doddering old fools,
742
00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:33,957
with not the faintest conception
of boatmanship.
743
00:48:34,040 --> 00:48:35,872
Yes. They're absolutely
without sensitivity
744
00:48:35,960 --> 00:48:38,634
to the moods and dignity of the river.
745
00:48:50,800 --> 00:48:52,598
Not to mention
spooning nincompoops
746
00:48:52,680 --> 00:48:56,310
who think the place is
some kind of floating tea dance.
747
00:48:56,920 --> 00:49:00,277
- What are you doing?
- Don't shake it!
748
00:49:05,680 --> 00:49:07,194
There are grounds, in my opinion,
749
00:49:07,280 --> 00:49:10,193
for banning girls from the river
altogether unless properly dressed.
750
00:49:10,280 --> 00:49:13,114
Boating costume is very fetching
on a pretty girl, though.
751
00:49:13,200 --> 00:49:16,989
Yes, well,
I've got nothing against girls as such.
752
00:49:17,440 --> 00:49:22,037
Like Christian martyrs every
time a drop of water goes near them.
753
00:49:29,080 --> 00:49:32,391
- They're awfully useful on picnics.
- No, they're not.
754
00:49:32,480 --> 00:49:34,392
Ask them to wash a plate,
and it's as though they've been asked
755
00:49:34,480 --> 00:49:36,995
to pick rags on a corporation tip.
756
00:49:38,320 --> 00:49:42,712
No, you have to be firm with them.
Get them to hitch up their skirts.
757
00:49:45,200 --> 00:49:47,556
What do you think you're doing?
758
00:49:47,640 --> 00:49:50,633
God save us from London landlubbers.
759
00:49:50,720 --> 00:49:52,712
You shouldn't be allowed in the river.
760
00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:55,440
Once a year,
and I've never heard of such a thing.
761
00:49:55,520 --> 00:49:57,273
Get out of the way.
762
00:49:59,920 --> 00:50:02,754
Oh, I mean, it's really ridiculous.
You don't know what you're...
763
00:50:02,840 --> 00:50:05,150
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
764
00:50:12,280 --> 00:50:15,398
I was ready to take over the sculls
at Reading, as we had agreed.
765
00:50:18,680 --> 00:50:20,637
All right! All right!
766
00:50:20,760 --> 00:50:23,070
They think they own the river
with their money and their trollops.
767
00:50:23,160 --> 00:50:24,992
London landlubbers!
768
00:50:25,400 --> 00:50:27,676
- J!
- Well, Max!
769
00:50:30,200 --> 00:50:32,112
There we are.
770
00:50:36,800 --> 00:50:39,190
I say, this makes a nice change.
771
00:50:39,560 --> 00:50:41,756
I prefer it myself to rowing.
772
00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:50,919
From Mapledurham to Streatly,
the river is glorious.
773
00:50:51,000 --> 00:50:52,480
You pass Hardwick House,
774
00:50:52,560 --> 00:50:55,314
where Charles I used to stay
and play bowls.
775
00:50:55,440 --> 00:50:59,673
And when Cromwell's sails were sighted
downstream, he calmly continued...
776
00:50:59,760 --> 00:51:01,433
Oh, no, wait a minute,
I think I've got that wrong.
777
00:51:01,520 --> 00:51:04,240
Sorry. He did play bowls, though.
778
00:51:07,480 --> 00:51:11,235
Now, you just put your hands...
That's it. A little there...
779
00:51:11,520 --> 00:51:12,874
Perfect.
780
00:51:14,880 --> 00:51:16,917
Now, this is to play it...
781
00:51:17,160 --> 00:51:19,356
And this one's to strum...
782
00:51:34,920 --> 00:51:36,991
Do you see that church?
783
00:51:37,640 --> 00:51:41,270
The mortal remains of Jethro Tull
lie buried in that ground.
784
00:51:41,360 --> 00:51:44,034
- Remember him?
- Not altogether.
785
00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:46,957
Really? I'm surprised.
786
00:51:47,040 --> 00:51:50,477
Very great man in
the world of agricultural mechanisation.
787
00:51:50,560 --> 00:51:53,837
It's not the world
with which I'm most familiar.
788
00:51:55,480 --> 00:52:00,111
George, the inventor of the sea drill
lies yonder.
789
00:52:00,560 --> 00:52:02,995
Good heavens. That's it.
790
00:52:04,240 --> 00:52:07,677
Oh, hello. This is my... banjo.
791
00:52:09,760 --> 00:52:11,114
It's quite simple, really.
792
00:52:11,200 --> 00:52:14,511
Now, here's a thing.
Gate Hampton railway bridge.
793
00:52:15,080 --> 00:52:18,630
One of Brunel's three brick bridges
across the Thames.
794
00:52:19,480 --> 00:52:21,597
- George?
- Yes.
795
00:52:21,680 --> 00:52:25,151
Brick railway bridge.
J doesn't want you to miss it.
796
00:52:32,920 --> 00:52:34,673
Goring Gap.
797
00:52:35,720 --> 00:52:37,359
Very interesting.
798
00:52:38,080 --> 00:52:39,878
Many years ago, the Chilterns
799
00:52:39,960 --> 00:52:43,397
and the Berkshire Downs formed
a continuous ridge across here.
800
00:52:43,480 --> 00:52:46,359
- Which is the interesting part?
- About Goring,
801
00:52:46,440 --> 00:52:50,116
there was a huge lake with a river
flowing in the opposite direction.
802
00:52:50,200 --> 00:52:53,637
I suppose it was old Brunel who had it
all changed for his railway, was it?
803
00:52:53,720 --> 00:52:57,350
No, no, no, you fool.
I mean millions of years ago.
804
00:52:58,440 --> 00:53:00,955
I think I'll go and talk to George.
805
00:53:11,720 --> 00:53:13,837
Steamboat's coming.
806
00:53:14,320 --> 00:53:17,996
Hey, get out of the way,
bloody idiots!
807
00:53:18,120 --> 00:53:19,520
Get out!
808
00:53:24,520 --> 00:53:26,637
It's really most annoying
the way these wretched little boats
809
00:53:26,720 --> 00:53:27,756
get in one's way.
810
00:53:27,840 --> 00:53:29,479
Something ought to be done about it.
811
00:53:29,560 --> 00:53:33,110
Get out of it!
Can't you see we're trying to get past?
812
00:54:21,440 --> 00:54:24,160
My friend's launch
cast us off at Abingdon.
813
00:54:24,240 --> 00:54:27,074
Harris claimed
he wanted to stretch his legs.
814
00:54:27,160 --> 00:54:28,640
Which church?
815
00:54:29,560 --> 00:54:31,711
- St Helen's.
- Which memorial?
816
00:54:31,960 --> 00:54:33,155
Mr Lee.
817
00:54:33,240 --> 00:54:36,199
Did he invent agricultural implements
or did he murder his family?
818
00:54:36,280 --> 00:54:39,273
He's very rare. He had 197 children.
819
00:54:39,360 --> 00:54:40,953
Well, you'll find
very much better at Oxford
820
00:54:41,040 --> 00:54:43,509
- if you put your back into it.
- What?
821
00:54:43,600 --> 00:54:47,594
We are sick to death
of walking around obscure tombs
822
00:54:47,680 --> 00:54:49,717
- of uninteresting people.
- You're sick to death? What do I...
823
00:54:49,800 --> 00:54:53,476
And although it had been agreed that
I would take the boat up past Reading,
824
00:54:53,560 --> 00:54:54,880
and here we were at Abingdon...
825
00:54:54,960 --> 00:54:57,111
...for this stop.
I want to see something else.
826
00:54:57,200 --> 00:55:00,352
After a short discussion
with Harris and George,
827
00:55:01,160 --> 00:55:03,720
I took up the sculls for a while.
828
00:55:07,400 --> 00:55:10,950
And then they pulled us up
the last stretch to Oxford.
829
00:55:14,880 --> 00:55:17,000
Which is, on the whole,
more attractive than Cambridge
830
00:55:17,080 --> 00:55:18,275
to the ordinary visitor.
831
00:55:18,360 --> 00:55:20,875
And the traveller is therefore
recommended to visit Cambridge first
832
00:55:20,960 --> 00:55:23,998
or omit it altogether
if he cannot visit both.
833
00:55:28,600 --> 00:55:30,717
The Baedeker guide is quite right.
834
00:55:30,800 --> 00:55:33,440
I am an Oxford man, too.
835
00:55:34,560 --> 00:55:36,552
I mean, in spirit.
836
00:55:38,320 --> 00:55:40,437
But for circumstance, I...
837
00:55:43,480 --> 00:55:46,075
Now, the architecture of Oxford...
838
00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:51,797
Another thing about Oxford
839
00:55:51,880 --> 00:55:55,476
is that it offers
a judicious proportion of congeniality,
840
00:55:55,560 --> 00:55:59,270
cultural tradition
and cloistered contemplation,
841
00:55:59,760 --> 00:56:03,879
which sustains many people at Oxford
for as much as three years
842
00:56:04,200 --> 00:56:08,274
and prepares them for the harsh
realities of the outside world.
843
00:56:13,360 --> 00:56:16,239
- Voltaire was quite right.
- Hmm?
844
00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:19,757
Voltaire. What he said
about the perfect Englishman.
845
00:56:19,840 --> 00:56:21,752
Aimlessly voyaging.
846
00:56:21,840 --> 00:56:23,194
And of course...
847
00:56:23,280 --> 00:56:25,078
"Ignotis errare locis."
848
00:56:25,160 --> 00:56:27,629
No, no, Voltaire was a froggy.
That's Latin.
849
00:56:27,720 --> 00:56:30,997
Ovid. "The delight of wandering
in unknown places."
850
00:56:31,080 --> 00:56:32,116
Good day.
851
00:56:32,200 --> 00:56:34,157
Tu quoque.
852
00:56:37,480 --> 00:56:39,233
What did I tell you?
853
00:56:43,800 --> 00:56:45,029
What did he say?
854
00:56:45,240 --> 00:56:48,233
I said, "Jove cannot please everyone"
855
00:56:48,320 --> 00:56:51,199
"either by making it rain
or stopping it."
856
00:57:00,640 --> 00:57:04,520
And Matthew Arnold's
sweet city with her dreaming spires
857
00:57:04,600 --> 00:57:06,353
became decidedly wet.
858
00:57:06,440 --> 00:57:08,796
More like streaming spires.
859
00:57:08,880 --> 00:57:11,679
Matthew Arnold is dead.
It was in the paper.
860
00:57:11,760 --> 00:57:13,160
I never read him.
861
00:57:13,240 --> 00:57:16,119
- But we got to Oxford.
- Absolutely.
862
00:57:16,440 --> 00:57:19,274
- Why did we?
- Can we go now?
863
00:57:19,600 --> 00:57:23,719
- Downhill all the way now.
- I don't mind a bit of rain.
864
00:57:24,480 --> 00:57:27,552
I like to see the river
under all its different aspects.
865
00:57:27,640 --> 00:57:30,439
Can't expect sunshine
all the time, you know.
866
00:57:30,520 --> 00:57:33,877
Nature is beautiful even in her tears,
eh, George?
867
00:57:41,360 --> 00:57:44,432
Sandford lock is the deepest
on the river.
868
00:57:44,520 --> 00:57:48,230
Here's one for you, Harris.
Sandford lock.
869
00:57:48,480 --> 00:57:50,870
Two men drowned this year.
870
00:57:50,960 --> 00:57:53,316
Without leaving their boat.
871
00:57:53,800 --> 00:57:55,837
The veal pie's a bit wet.
872
00:57:55,920 --> 00:57:58,435
The veal pie's a bit wet?
873
00:57:58,520 --> 00:58:00,352
Here you are, Montmorency.
874
00:58:00,440 --> 00:58:03,717
Oh, you see? Even a dog knows
when he's had enough.
875
00:58:11,080 --> 00:58:14,357
When I get back to London,
I'm going to have some whitebait,
876
00:58:14,440 --> 00:58:17,274
a cutlet, a piece of Stilton...
877
00:58:17,560 --> 00:58:20,200
No, no, no. I'm going to have some paté.
878
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:23,398
No, no, no. No, I'll have
some sole with white sauce...
879
00:58:23,480 --> 00:58:25,437
I'll row!
880
00:58:44,720 --> 00:58:47,076
One thing we all agreed upon
from the beginning
881
00:58:47,160 --> 00:58:49,311
was that we would
go through with the job.
882
00:58:49,400 --> 00:58:51,596
It's not a job, it's a holiday.
883
00:58:51,680 --> 00:58:53,990
And we agreed that
we would go through with it.
884
00:58:54,080 --> 00:58:55,878
No, I'll start again.
885
00:58:55,960 --> 00:58:57,838
First smoked trout.
886
00:58:57,920 --> 00:59:01,197
- Followed by mutton with capers...
- Shut up!
887
00:59:02,240 --> 00:59:04,596
I knew a man
who came upriver two years ago,
888
00:59:04,680 --> 00:59:07,878
slept out in a damp boat
on just such a day as this,
889
00:59:07,960 --> 00:59:09,838
and it gave him rheumatic fever.
890
00:59:09,920 --> 00:59:12,515
Ten days later he died in agony!
891
00:59:12,600 --> 00:59:15,911
Yes. I had a friend once
who'd been in the Volunteers.
892
00:59:16,000 --> 00:59:18,799
He spent a wet night under canvas
down at Aldershot.
893
00:59:18,880 --> 00:59:21,349
When he woke up in the morning
he was a cripple for life.
894
00:59:25,600 --> 00:59:28,399
Pull over.
There's something in the water.
895
00:59:36,800 --> 00:59:39,190
It was the dead body of a woman.
896
00:59:39,280 --> 00:59:41,317
It lay lightly on the water.
897
00:59:41,400 --> 00:59:43,869
And the face was sweet and calm.
898
00:59:44,840 --> 00:59:47,912
Of course, it was the old, old,
vulgar tragedy.
899
00:59:48,200 --> 00:59:50,510
She had loved and been deceived.
900
00:59:50,640 --> 00:59:52,472
Or deceived herself.
901
00:59:52,960 --> 00:59:55,429
She had wandered about the woods
by the river's bank
902
00:59:55,520 --> 00:59:58,558
and finally stretched out her arms
to the silent stream
903
00:59:58,640 --> 01:00:01,439
that had known her sorrow and her joy.
904
01:00:02,240 --> 01:00:05,472
And the old river had taken her
into its gentle arms
905
01:00:05,560 --> 01:00:08,280
and had laid her weary head
upon its bosom,
906
01:00:08,360 --> 01:00:10,670
and had hushed away the pain.
907
01:00:11,240 --> 01:00:12,754
God help her
908
01:00:12,920 --> 01:00:14,718
and all other sinners,
909
01:00:14,800 --> 01:00:16,598
if any more there be.
910
01:00:20,480 --> 01:00:23,757
♪ Only for telling
911
01:00:23,840 --> 01:00:27,629
♪ A man he was wrong
912
01:00:28,840 --> 01:00:33,278
♪ Two lovely black
913
01:00:33,440 --> 01:00:36,194
♪ Eyes ♪
914
01:00:41,360 --> 01:00:44,671
The second day
was exactly as cheerful as the first.
915
01:00:46,560 --> 01:00:50,315
You know, it's almost a pity
we've made up our minds
916
01:00:50,400 --> 01:00:53,996
to contract our certain deaths
in this floating coffin.
917
01:00:54,320 --> 01:00:58,633
Well, there are only two days more,
and we're young and strong.
918
01:00:59,120 --> 01:01:01,396
We may get over it all right.
919
01:01:06,840 --> 01:01:10,675
You know, there's a train that leaves
Pangbourne Station every hour,
920
01:01:10,760 --> 01:01:14,117
which would get us home comfortably
in time for a chop.
921
01:01:14,200 --> 01:01:17,318
And then on to
the Alhambra, Leicester Square.
922
01:01:19,160 --> 01:01:20,879
Well, J?
923
01:01:20,960 --> 01:01:23,634
Well, that reminds me of a very funny
story that happened to a friend of mine.
924
01:01:23,720 --> 01:01:26,030
- Right, George.
- I'll get the bag out.
925
01:01:26,120 --> 01:01:27,679
Just a moment.
926
01:01:28,760 --> 01:01:31,434
- Did he say the Alhambra?
- We did.
927
01:01:31,880 --> 01:01:33,792
Preceded by a little
French dinner somewhere?
928
01:01:33,880 --> 01:01:34,916
Just so.
929
01:01:35,000 --> 01:01:37,640
With a, perhaps a bottle or two
of Burgundy?
930
01:01:37,720 --> 01:01:39,996
Undoubtedly.
931
01:01:40,080 --> 01:01:44,040
Well, why didn't you say so?
Now, George, I'll do the packing...
932
01:01:44,200 --> 01:01:45,953
You sort out when we can leave.
933
01:01:46,040 --> 01:01:49,158
And so I brought our expedition
safely home.
934
01:01:49,360 --> 01:01:50,840
Or near enough.
935
01:01:50,920 --> 01:01:53,230
We deceived the boatman at Pangbourne.
936
01:01:53,680 --> 01:01:56,195
We left the boat and what it contained
in his charge
937
01:01:56,280 --> 01:01:59,956
with instructions that it was to be
ready for us at nine in the morning.
938
01:02:00,040 --> 01:02:04,398
If, um... If anything unforeseen
should happen to prevent our return,
939
01:02:04,600 --> 01:02:07,559
we will write to the hotel
with instructions.
940
01:02:08,040 --> 01:02:09,952
Thank you very much.
941
01:02:10,080 --> 01:02:11,480
Come, Monty.
942
01:02:16,160 --> 01:02:18,436
Why, it's turned out nice, after all.
943
01:02:18,520 --> 01:02:21,638
- I said we should stick it out.
- Should we go back, then?
944
01:02:22,600 --> 01:02:24,557
Keep going, George.
945
01:02:24,640 --> 01:02:26,279
Goodbye, Thames.
946
01:02:29,000 --> 01:02:31,310
Yes, it's not a bad old river.
947
01:02:31,640 --> 01:02:33,597
Come on, Montmorency.
948
01:02:40,080 --> 01:02:42,800
Three Men in a Boat
(To Say Nothing of the Dog)
949
01:02:42,880 --> 01:02:46,874
first appeared as a serial in themagazine Home Chimes in 1889.
950
01:02:47,640 --> 01:02:50,280
I intended there to be
some humorous relief,
951
01:02:50,360 --> 01:02:52,556
but the book was to be
the story of the Thames,
952
01:02:52,640 --> 01:02:55,075
with its scenery and history.
953
01:02:55,200 --> 01:02:57,840
I decided to write
the humorous relief first,
954
01:02:57,920 --> 01:03:00,230
but it seemed to be all humorous relief.
955
01:03:00,320 --> 01:03:03,040
And most of the serious stuff
which I had managed to get done
956
01:03:03,120 --> 01:03:05,760
was promptly thrown out by the editor.
957
01:03:06,080 --> 01:03:08,549
I did not have to imagine or invent.
958
01:03:08,640 --> 01:03:11,109
Boating up and down the Thames
had been my favourite sport
959
01:03:11,200 --> 01:03:12,998
ever since I could afford it.
960
01:03:13,080 --> 01:03:15,834
I just put down
the things that happened.
961
01:03:16,400 --> 01:03:18,710
Harris was Carl Hentschel.
962
01:03:19,720 --> 01:03:23,396
I met him first outside a theatre,
at the door to the pit.
963
01:03:23,600 --> 01:03:25,831
We thought he was going to end up
as Lord Mayor,
964
01:03:25,920 --> 01:03:28,230
but the great war brought him low.
965
01:03:28,320 --> 01:03:30,437
He was accused of being a German.
966
01:03:30,520 --> 01:03:32,477
In fact, he was a Pole.
967
01:03:33,160 --> 01:03:35,516
George was George Wingrave,
968
01:03:36,120 --> 01:03:38,760
who subsequently became a bank manager.
969
01:03:38,840 --> 01:03:40,991
I met him when lodging in Newman Street.
970
01:03:41,080 --> 01:03:43,549
And afterwards we shared
in Tavistock Place,
971
01:03:43,640 --> 01:03:46,519
handy for the British Museum
Reading Room.
972
01:03:46,880 --> 01:03:49,520
I wrote the book at Chelsea Gardens.
973
01:03:50,040 --> 01:03:52,111
I was just back from my honeymoon
974
01:03:52,200 --> 01:03:56,035
and had the feeling
that all the world's troubles were over.
79435
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.