All language subtitles for Yes, Prime Minister - 01x06 - A Tsar Is Born

Thanks.

That was the BBC again.
Piling on the agony.

A big news story about global warming
has just broken,

and they're adding that to the programme
about you on Sunday morning.

Global warming computer models
have been proved wrong.

The new models show it's even worse
than previously thought,

much more severe and happening faster.

Is that supposed to be my fault, too?

They want to know
why the government's dragging

its feet on CO2 emission controls.

Do we have to deal with that tonight,

as well as the collapsing summit,

the ECB, the BBC,
my treacherous cabinet,

my disloyal colleagues, your leaks,

the illegal immigrant cook,
the run on the pound,

the Kumranistani pervert?

Is there anything else,
anything else we can pile on me tonight?

Oh, yes! Global bloody warming,
thank you very much!

Prime Minister, might I suggest

you don't worry too much
about global warming?

Right. Well, I can't do much
about it tonight, can I?

Why should the global warming computer
models be any more reliable or accurate

than the financial ones? Wall Street's
computer models were designed

to show that sub-prime mortgage
derivatives were low risk.

And these global warming
computer models are designed

to show that global warming
is getting worse.

-Oh, come off it, Humphrey.
—You remember mad cow disease?

The computer models for that proved

that we'd all be dying in our
hundreds of thousands by now.

—But, in fact, hardly any died.
—You're suggesting what, exactly?

Well, the computer models leave out

nearly all other possible causes
except CO2.

And then they say, "Oh, look,
CO2 has caused all this global warming."

There aren't any other causes,
are there?

Haven't you seen that film of
melting icebergs in the Antarctic?

Yes. They're beautiful, aren't they?

That's caused by CO2.

No, dear lady, that's caused by
warm water masses from the Pacific.

Why are the polar bears
becoming extinct?

-Oh, are they?
—The computer models say they are.

But the people who actually
go and count them have found

—more than there were 30 years ago.
-Oh, for heaven's sake, Humphrey!

If it's all such nonsense,
why does everyone believe it?

No, it is. It's very hard to understand,
I agree.

There are some scientists who do
believe it, lots of others

want the billions of pounds you can get
for research that seems to show that

global warming is caused by
greenhouse gases.

Most of the scientists
who disagree can't get published,

journalists love shock horror stories,
governments want to look

virtuous to the voters,
lefties want to bash big oil,

and it makes all the tree-huggers
and whale-savers

and everybody at the BBC and
all of the media feel holier than thou

and warm and fuzzy inside.

So, wind farms don't make any sense?

(LAUGHS)

Wind farms. Forgive me, Prime Minister.
They do make sense,

to the businessmen who are getting
enormous government grants for them.

There isn't enough wind to be practical.

The total output of all the
UK's wind turbines put together

is less than a quarter of one
decent sized coal-fired power station.

He can't say any of this to the BBC.

No, Claire. Phone them back and say...

Something.

Um, okay.

Prime Minister,
Sir Humphrey, what are you thinking?

The Kumranistan Foreign Secretary
has demanded

three women to have sex with
here, tonight, at Chequers.

Europe needs his $10 trillion loan.

And the two of you are arguing
about global warming,

instead of working out
how to do what's right.

Bernard, ever since this started

you have been bleating on about
whether or not something is right.

We are politicians, not bishops!

Right. Bernard, the Prime Minister
is not here to do what's right.

He's here to serve the country.

What if we do get this deal signed?

What if the Prime Minister loses
the next election

and the next government
has a different policy?

Too late. There will be a treaty.
Britain will be a signatory

and we always keep our word.

—We don't, actually.
—Well, we often do.

—We definitely would in this case.
—Fine.

I'll organise the three call girls
before it gets any later.

We'll need to put the Royal helicopter
on standby.

I must not hear this.

Right! Who do I phone?

—You don't know?
—How would I know?

So how do you think I know?

Let me... Let me get this straight.

We have finally decided to do this,
and you don't even know how?

—Do you know how?
—I can't believe this.

The TV news shows tell me we are
crawling with illegal foreign hookers,

and nobody even knows how to find any?

What is going on here?

We could try the Vice Squad,
they'll know.

You want to call the Vice Squad

and ask them to find three prostitutes?

And put them on the Royal helicopter?

Have you lost your mind?

(DOG BARKING)

Just popping outside. Back in a minute.

—What was that about?
—Don't know.

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

BERNARD: She seems to be
talking to someone.

JIM: who?
BERNARD: I can't see.

There are trees in the way.

So, we're stuck.

Aren't you worried that this is wrong,
Prime Minister?

It seems to be necessary, Bernard.

Government is seldom about
right or wrong.

It's about choosing the lesser evil.

Well, it can be about right or wrong.

Are you sure you're in the right job?

I can easily arrange a transfer,
you know,

to the Archbishop of Canterbury,
for instance.

—You want to get rid of me?
—No, not get rid of you, Bernard.

A sideways move. Find you a good home.

Meanwhile, we have a crisis.

—A moral crisis.
—A survival crisis,

which is much more serious.

I have to survive this weekend
and stay in power.

If I don't, I can't do all the things
that the people elected me to do.

The health service,
schools, all that crap.

I have a moral obligation to do
whatever is necessary to stay in power.

I'm not sure the end
justifies the means.

Look where that philosophy leads.

Stalin wanted all the farms in
the Ukraine collectivised.

He thought there'd be more food.

The peasant farmers opposed him.

So, he ordered
all 5 million of them to be killed.

Actually, if you kill
5 million people, there is more food.

Does that make it right?

Depends whether or not
you're one of the 5 million.

Where did you go?

I heard a dog bark out there.
It belongs to the cook.

I'd forgotten about the cook.
What are we doing about her?

That was cook's daughter out there
walking the dog.

Her 18-year-old daughter.

-Are you suggesting?
—I know there's only one of her.

But she's very attractive. And it would
show Mr Aitikeev that we're trying.

—Would it?
—An illegal immigrant.

Exactly want you wanted.

Did you tell her what we want her to do?

Well, sort of hinted at it.

Well, what precisely did you hint?

Oh, a hint can't be precise,
Prime Minister. Because by definition...

Bernard!

Sex with a very rich and powerful man.
She seems interested.

It's for Britain, right?

It's the right thing to do, right?

Jim, you were the one that said
it would be patriotic.

But, but she's a foreigner.
It can't be patriotic for her.

Well, it will be when her papers
come through.

You'll be giving her the chance
to serve her new country.

An active of retrospective patriotism.

Shut up, Bernard.

Claire, the answer is...

"PM pimps cook's daughter for sex
at Chequers."

No! I just can't go through with it.
Her mother is a member of my staff.

—Okay.
—Claire, wait.

—What if see tells her mother?
-Oh, I took care of that.

I asked her if she'd heard of

the immigration detention centre
at Harmondsworth.

I said, "If you ever tell anyone
about this, including your mother,

"that's where you'll end up."
Biggest possible threat.

Bernard, phone the Home Secretary.

-Get citizenship for the cook.
—Why?

Because what if she does
tell her mother?

Maybe she won't.

But if she does,
how would the mother react?

How would you react if you were
her mother?

You know, I wonder if I might
be pleased. It would...

It would give me the leverage
to get a work permit.

How many drinks have you had,
Prime Minister?

Just the one.

—Okay, she's gone.
—Thank God!

To get the cook a work permit,
she'll need to have special skills.

She makes great dumplings.
I don't bloody care!

Phone the Home Secretary now.

—Now?
—Yes, now, damn it!

Hello, Home Secretary.
Sorry to call you so late.

You were just having a night cap.

Good.

The PM wanted me to call you about
the cook at Chequers.

We've just discovered that
she's an illegal immigrant

and he wants her to be given
a UK visa immediately.

Oh, I think because
the PM likes her dumplings.

No, Home Secretary,
that wasn't a sexist remark.

I see.

Thank you.

I'm sorry, Prime Minister. I think
the Home Secretary's had a few.

It's never any use trying to call her
after 6:00 pm.

Prime Minister, do you think
we'd better let the ambassador know

we can't get any girls for Aitikeev?

Yes. Go and get him.

Yes, Prime Minister.

(PHONE RINGS)

Yes?

Who?

Oh, yes! We all loved your goulash
and dumplings this evening.

(WHIMPERING)

Yes, yes.

I'll call you back.

The cook's daughter
has talked to her mother.

—Already?
—The cook wants to talk to you, Jim.

—(PHONE RINGING)
—No, I'm not answering it. You get it.

—I don't know what to say!
—Just get it.

You started this. It's all your fault.

The ambassador's coming.

(RINGING CONTINUES)

(MEEKLY) Yes?

Yes.

My God! Where did you get this?

Yes, of course, I deny it.

There's absolutely no foundation
at all to that story.

No, of course, you can't quote me.

I'm not going to dignify
that sort of rubbish with a comment.

It seems that the cook has talked
to the Daily Man“.

—She only just phoned here!
—Well, she just phoned there, too.

Oh, my God!

Can we buy them off with the promise
of some future policy scoop?

Of course not! It's a newspaper. They're
interested in sex, not government.

Prime Minister,
I think you'd better talk to the cook.

We have to stop this going any further.

I don't talk to ordinary people
unless there's an election going on.

If you don't, goodness knows...

Just phone her back and ask her
what the bloody hell she wants.

What is this all about?

Yes. It's the Prime Minister's
Principal Private Secretary here.

Unfortunately, the Prime Minister is
too busy to talk to you at the moment.

So, can you please tell me
what it is you want?

I see.

I see.

I see.

I see.

She's discovered that the
newspapers will give her cash

if her daughter will describe
what happened tonight in her own words.

Which are?

That some woman...

Approached her in the garden
and asked her to have sex...

With you, Prime Minister.

Sex?

She said Claire asked this girl
if she would have sex with me?

—Is that true?
—No, of course it's not!

I'm just telling you what she...

—It's an outrageous lie.
—I'm merely the messenger.

It was her idea.
I always said it would be a disaster.

—How much does she want?
—I don't know. I forgot to ask.

Prime Minister, I believe I know
how to deal with this.

—May I?
—Yes, please!

All right.

We have to stop this going public.

Oh, brilliant!

Got any more bright ideas?

Look as far as the Mail knows,
it could be a scam.

If we deny it and they still run the
story, we slap a libel writ on them

and clean up financially,
and deport the cook.

Yes, she's not important
in the great scheme of things.

—Who is?
—Well, I am, actually.

What are we going say to the press?

We say we can't talk about it.
National security.

But how do we describe procuring sex
with the cook's daughter

—as national security?
—We don't talk about that.

But that's what
they'll want to talk about.

Oh, for God's sake, Jim. You don't
give journalists what they want.

It only encourages them!

(WHIMPERING) Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What am I going to do?
What am I going to do?

What am I going to do?

We can't ignore the facts.

If you can't ignore facts,
Prime Minister,

you've got no business
being in government.

Ah, Prime Minister. Oh!

What?

Uh...

—Prime Minster?
—Piss off!

Oh! Prime Minister it's done.

The cook and her daughter
were upstairs in their accommodation.

At your request,
the Diplomatic Protection Group

has taken them into protective custody,

and is going to turn them
over to the Ministry of Defence Police.

—My request?
—Well, yes. I requested it,

actually, on your behalf.
Under the Prevention of Terrorism Act.

You see, the MOD police now have
the power to arrest, detain and then

place a control order
upon anyone at all.

Right. What does a control order
actually entail?

Well, it's house arrest, usually.

Plus, no access to mobile phones,
the Internet, or the media,

whenever they believe that lives
may be saved or injuries prevented

by so doing. Lasts for up to a year,

and, in effect,
it's infinitely renewable.

Fine, impose a control order.

No, Prime Minister,
the Home Secretary has to do that.

Oh, not her.

Yes, with the approval
of the High Court.

Who says?

The European Convention on Human Rights.

Oh, it's bloody Europe again.

Taking away my rights.

Actually taking away your rights,
Prime Minister,

and increasing everybody else's.

So they're entitled to a trial?
That's not fair.

Prime Minister, broadly speaking,
this trial can be held in secret.

And the judge cannot quash
the control order.

Unless it's found to be obviously flawed
and furthermore...

The evidence against them
is never really challenged.

—Why not?
—Because it's withheld.

From them and from their lawyers.

Oh, that's good!

But we still have to make a deal
with the Home Secretary.

—Yes.
—Well, I can try and get

her private secretary to bounce it past
her one evening when she's had a few.

—And if that doesn't work...
—We could leak

that the Home Secretary has allowed an
illegal immigrant/suspected terrorist

to get into this country,
to infiltrate Chequers, and... Yes.

Drunk in charge at the Home Office.
I think that should do it.

-She'll cooperate.
—Sir, at this point in time,

the MOD police just need the
allegation, Prime Minister.

Are you prepared to state that the cook
and her daughter are in fact terrorists?

Me?

No judge will want to declare
your allegation as obviously flawed.

You are the Prime Minister,

—Prime Minister.
—Yes, I am.

And I am prepared

to state the following, categorically.

Um...

I can't do it.

I think you are prepared to state
to the police that

both the cook
and her daughter are in fact

in possession of information,
which, if it were known,

could lead to a rapid escalation
of violence

and the loss of thousands of lives
in the ongoing war.

Yes, I am.

That's actually even true.

Make a note of what you said.
I'll sign it in the morning.

Good.

—(DOOR KNOCKING)
—Oh.

The Ambassador, Sir Humphrey.
Casual again?

Yes, yes.

Ah, do come in. The Kumranistan
Ambassador, Prime Minister.

Come in, come in. Please do sit down.

Oh, I'm not going to
beat about the bush. I'm afraid...

You'll have to tell Mr Aitikeev

that we haven't been able to find
any suitable...

Candidates.

He's guessed that by now,
Prime Minister.

I'm afraid that half an hour ago,
he informed our president

that he did not find you sympathetic
to our national aspirations.

The pipeline deal is,
I'm afraid, no more.

Oh, really.
Well, you can tell your Mr Aitikeev

if he withdraws from the
pipeline agreement,

all those weapon systems we sold you
will be cancelled. Forthwith.

But we have them already,
Prime Minister.

Have you?

Well, we'll stop supplying the spare
parts. They'll be useless within months.

Full of sand. Probably are already.

It won't matter, Prime Minister.

We are making a new
weapons agreement with the Russians.

You are? You may go.

And please inform Mr Aitikeev
that Great Britain is breaking off

diplomatic relations with your country.

-Are you serious?
—Yes, I am.

I am giving you 48 hours
to get to Heathrow.

What do you think I am? A snail?

—Prime Minister, was that wise?
—(MOANS)

I don't know.

And I no longer care.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

I think I lost my moral compass tonight.

I'll tell you one thing. This incident
will not be in my memoirs.

Of course not.
Memoirs are not the truth.

They're the case for the defence.

I think Humphrey's right. It's all over.

Bernard,

tomorrow morning arrange for me
to see the Queen.

And offer my resignation.

I'm so sorry, Prime Minister.

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

Oh, God!

No, Prime Minister, just me.

I have returned with the answer to
all your problems.

—Global warming!
—I thought you were against it.

Everybody is against it, Prime Minister.
I suddenly realised

that is the beauty of it.

We can get a unanimous agreement with
all of our European partners

to do something about it.

But how can we do something about
something that isn't happening?

It's much easier to solve an imaginary
problem than a real one.

—Do you believe it's real?
—Do you?

—I don't know.
—Neither do I.

Haven't got the faintest idea.

But it doesn't matter what we think.

If everyone else thinks it's real,
they'll all want to stop it,

so long as it doesn't cost too much.

So the question now is,

what are we going to do about it?

But if it isn't happening,
what can we do about it?

Oh, there's so much we can do,
Prime Minister.

We can impose taxes,
we can stiffen European rules

about carbon emissions,
rubbish disposal.

We can make massive investments in,

in wind turbines.

We can, in fact, Prime Minister,

under your leadership, agree

to save the world.

Well, I like that.

But Russia, India, China, Brazil...
They'll never cooperate.

They don't have to. We simply ask them
to review their emissions policy.

And will they?

Yes. And then they'll decide
not to change it.

So we'll set up
a series of international conferences.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister,

you can talk
about the future of the planet.

Yes.

You can look statesman-like.

And it'll be 50 years before anybody
can possibly prove you're wrong.

And you can explain away
anything you've said before

by saying
the computer models were flawed.

The voters will love me.

You'll have more government expenditure.

Yes. How will we pay for it?
We're broke.

We impose a special global warming tax
on fuel now,

but we phase in
the actual expenditure gradually,

say, over 50 years.

That'll get us out of the hole now.

The Germans will be pleased.
They have a big Green movement.

And we can even get the frogs on board.

As long as they get more benefits
than everyone else.

Okay, my broadcast is on Sunday morning.

You have a day
to get the conference to agree.

Oh, that's not a problem.
The delegates will be desperate

for something to announce
when they get home.

—There is one problem.
—Huh?

Nothing will have actually
been achieved.

It will sound as though it has.

So people will think it has.

That's all that matters.

Clear set, please.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, to summarise there is a
deepening financial crisis,

division in the cabinet,

opinion polls are at their lowest
for seven years,

government borrowing
at an all-time high,

and apparently no agreement
on what to do about it all

at the Lancaster House
Summit Conference.

Today's papers are asking if
Jim Hacker's government can survive.

I am here, in Chequers,
live with the Prime Minister.

Can you survive, Prime Minister?

Of course. All governments
go through difficult patches.

Yes, but this is more than just
a difficult patch, isn't it?

It's a world problem. It obviously
has repercussions on the UK.

But it is worse here
than almost anywhere else, isn't it?

Would you excuse me a moment?
I've been waiting for this.

I think you'll find this puts
a very different complexion on things.

It is perhaps the most momentous
document you'll ever see.

May we know what it is?

It is the final communique
from the conference.

A binding agreement on

all members of the European Union
to devote unprecedented sums

to the battle against global warming.

Now, Simon,
you saw the latest IPCC reports

that the situation is not only
far more serious than we thought,

but also deteriorating far more quickly.

That was one of the things
I was coming to.

But if we could talk first
about the level of debt.

I obviously haven't made myself clear.

I am not talking about
day-to-day issues.

I am talking about
the survival of life on this planet.

Now, I do realise

you have to try to score
your little political points.

That's your job,

but the new findings on global warming
make all other issues insignificant.

You can't call
our debt level insignificant.

Simon, you can chase all
the little preoccupations

of daily journalism.

As Prime Minister,

I have to look
to the future of the country,

and of the world,
not tomorrow's headlines.

But 10, 20, 50 years ahead.

(IMITATING WINSTON CHURCHILL)
A heavy responsibility.

This momentous document commits Europe

to an investment of €5 trillion
to stop global warming.

How can we possibly afford to spend
that sum of money?

We can't afford not to.

But if the money's not there...

We are faced with
a catastrophic rise in sea levels,

torrential storms, melting ice caps,

widespread hunger, mass migration.

-Are you sure?
—Computer models don't lie.

They have no ulterior motive.

€5 trillion?

Over time.
In the early years, it will be less.

Of course, we still have
much research to do on

new fast breeder reactors, bio fuels.

Even so,
surely taxes will have to go up.

People won't like that.

Simon, people aren't as selfish
as you think they are.

They are worried about their children,

about their grandchildren,

about the future of mankind.

And if that means doing
without a gas guzzler

or a fourth plasma TV set,

I think that's a sacrifice
most people are willing to make.

Prime Minister, I did want to
talk to you about cabinet division.

There is no cabinet division
on the survival of our species.

My cabinet is committed to making
this investment in 20 years' time.

They won't be in office then.

I think that's an unworthy remark.

Are you saying that a government
can't make commitments

beyond the immediate future?

No, but 20 years?

We are looking at an historic consensus.

The agreement of every single member
of the European Union.

(IMITATING WINSTON CHURCHILL)
It will stand alongside the Magna Gaffe,

and the American
Declaration of Independence.

Okay, to move on quickly...

And if I might just strike
a personal note,

I would like to say
how humble it makes me

to think that I,
as President of the Commission,

was able to
bring about this historic agreement

which, quite frankly, transcends

any achievement
by any post-war government.

It is

deeply humbling.

Thank you, Prime Minister.

Until next week,

goodbye.

Well,

Simon,

you certainly know how to do
a tough interview.

Thank you, Prime Minister.

(CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE UNCORKS)

Oh, magnificent,

Prime Minister.

I think you got away with it, Jim.

But the cabinet
will have been pretty surprised.

We'll have to square them fast.

Bubbles.

We're not there yet.
After that interview,

you'll need to announce
some pretty impressive action.

—An initiative.
—Yes.

—A working party?
—Bit lightweight.

—A taskforce?
—Not sure.

Do we have enough in the kitty?

Well, it could be one of those
initiatives that you announce,

but never actually spend the money.

Great. Like the one on child poverty.

Maybe it should be
a government committee.

Or what about a royal commission?

Yes, it won't report for three years

and, if we put the right people on it,

they'll never agree
about anything important.

Right, a royal commission.

Er, no, wait a minute.
That makes it sound

as if we think it's important,
but not urgent.

Well, what about a Global Warming Tsar?

Fine. Would that do it?

No, I think it might need
a bit more than that, Prime Minister.

It'll mean announcing quite a big unit,

and, uh,
an impressive salary for the tsar

to show how much
importance you place upon him.

No problem. Who would it be?

Ah, well, it can't be a political
figure, that would be too divisive.

It has to be somebody impartial.

—You mean a judge?
—No, somebody from the real world.

Somebody who knows
how to operate the levers of power,

to engage the gears
of the Whitehall machine,

to drive the engine of government.

That's quite a tall order.

Anybody got any ideas?

Humphrey.

Hmm?

Could you?

Oh.

Yes, Prime Minister.