All language subtitles for Yes, Prime Minister - 01x05 - Scot Free

Humphrey says
I've no choice but to resign.

I don't agree.

We can still pull the chestnuts
out of the fire.

But maybe Sir Humphrey's overreacting.

Maybe the country doesn't realise
just how hopeless things are.

Thanks for those encouraging
remarks, Bernard.

Shall we find out?

I should be talking
to the Prime Minister at Chequers

trying to find out the answer
to the question everyone is asking,

”How long can this government coalition
lurch from one disaster to the next

"without dealing with the level of debt,
the euro...”

Shut up!

You try and do better! I'm only human.

TV: ...employment figures and
a whole raft of manifest...

(INAUDIBLE)

(SIGHS)

-Oh, it's so humid.
—Yes, clammy.

Hope it rains.

If we could find a way to keep
Mr Aitikeev happy,

then Europe would get the loan
from Kumranistan

and all these problems would be solved.

The financial summit would be saved,
Europe would be saved.

And I'd be a hero.

That means getting three call girls
here for Aitikeev.

It's pretty late.

If we're gonna do that,
we'd better get on with it.

Everything is further complicated
by rumours

that the deputy Prime Minister,
Rory McAlister,

the Prime Minister's
junior coalition partner

who leads the Scottish MPs
at Westminster,

is thinking of abandoning
the sinking ship.

He's a rat. Why wouldn't he abandon
the sinking ship?

It's not sinking. Well, not yet.

Thank goodness Rory McAlister's
not here tonight as well.

Ah, Prime Minister,
the Deputy Prime Minister has arrived.

Rory McAlister! He's here? Why?

Well, he said he needed an urgent
meeting with you.

It's in your diary.

At this hour?

Well, we had to postpone him
because of the Mr Aitikeev crisis.

(SIGHS) God, that is all I need.

All right, show him into
the White Parlour.

Yes, Prime Minister.

—Do you know what he wants?
—More money for Scotland.

And more power for
the Scottish First Minister.

—Rory, so good of you to come.
—Jim. Jim, Jim.

And you know Claire, don't you?
Head of the policy unit at number 10.

Ah! How are things going?

Well, isn't that for you to say?

Well, as far as I'm concerned,
they're going very well.

Well, fairly well.

Well, as well as can be expected.
We're... We're managing.

We're managing well.

But I must say, how grateful
we are for your loyal support.

Well, that's what I wanted to talk
to you about, Jim.

Go ahead.

My colleagues are being, how shall I
put this? A wee bit restive.

As in the natives are restless.

Yes, an appropriate
colonialist expression.

Jim, you know you have my complete
personal loyalty.

You know that, don't you?

Well, my colleagues are having problems
with the coalition agreement.

You said you were happy with it.

Well, I am, as an agreement.

But it included a lot of undertakings
which I see no sign...

Which my colleagues see no sign of...
Of being fulfilled.

Rory, these are early days,

and we're in the middle
of a massive financial crisis.

We have to deal with first things first.
Surely you can see that?

Well, I can see that, of course. But,
my colleagues don't see it the same way.

They're beginning to wonder about
the coalition.

You need it as much as we do.

Oh, I'm not talking... My
colleagues aren't talking, about, uh...

About leaving the coalition.

Well, that's all right then.

They're just wondering
if it has the right leadership.

What?

Oh, no reflection on you
personally, Jim. No, no, no, no.

It's just that, um, my colleagues
all agree you're doing a fine job.

Just some of them think that,
maybe with a different leader,

we might stand a better chance
of getting the agreements implemented.

Have you been put up to this
by your opportunist boss in Edinburgh?

Certainly not.

Then what makes them think that?

Well, I understand they've had certain
conversations with certain people.

Are you certain?

Absolutely certain.

That wouldn't be because
you are that certain person,

who's had these certain conversations
with a certain Chancellor

or a certain Foreign Secretary.

Certainly not.

I'm very loyal.

My colleagues tell me they've had
certain indications from certain people

that, in certain circumstances,

it might be possible
to have certain concessions met.

Let's be straight about this.

You've been conspiring
with the Foreign Secretary

or the Chancellor to get rid of me
and replace me with one of them.

No, no. It's just, uh...

Well, certain people have had certain
discussions about certain possibilities.

Treacherous bastards.

Not you, Mr McAlister.

The Prime Minister was referring
to the other treacherous bastards.

Your colleagues are absolutely
loyal to you, Jim.

What's been suggested?

Well, certain people have said to me...
Said to my colleagues

that they have, uh...

They have no interest whatever
in taking your job.

But...

That if they were persuaded, it was
in the best interest of the country

to take on the heavy burden
which you are currently carrying,

and carrying so gallantly,

then, however deep their personal
reservations and reluctance might be,

they might feel obliged to...

Well, override their private misgivings
and accept the onerous responsibility

in the widest interests of the nation.

Which nation?

Our nation.

Well, you can tell both his colleagues
that they are not getting his job.

Certain people have found quite
a lot of members

who'd be prepared to support them,
if necessary.

Mind you...

Mind you,

there's a way you can
make yourself invulnerable.

-Oh, yes?
-Mm-hmm.

Jim, Scotland is a proud
and unique nation.

For 300 years, we've been occupied,

labouring under the English yoke.

Subdued, suppressed, subjected
to an alien government.

Alien! Are you referring to me
as an alien?

We'd better send you to
the immigration detention centre

at Harmondsworth, Prime Minister.

All the important decisions
that affect us are taken in London.

Have you any idea what that feels like?

Of course I have. All the important
decisions that affect us

are taken in Brussels.

Jim, it's time to set
the people of Scotland free.

Oh, they are free.

As free as anyone else in the UK.

Independence.

Anyone who offered us that
would be guaranteed

the loyal,
the undying support of my colleagues

and the entire Scottish nation.

Rory, I entirely agree with you about
the Scottish nation. Great people.

Some of my best friends are Scottish.

But, independence.
I'm sure its time will come.

But if any of my loyal cabinet
colleagues are offering it to you,

they're lying.

Well, there is a halfway house,
you know, Jim.

Well, you've got that already.
Your own parliament.

That's just a glorified borough council.

Dear me.

No, we pay all our taxes to you.
You take your big cut off them.

Then you parcel our share into
tiny little bits

and tell us what we are to spend it on.

Like pocket money for kids.

That's how government works.
That's what it does.

Government is about taking money
from the people and spending it.

We do exactly the same to the English.

But we want our taxes
to go to Edinburgh, not London.

We'd pass some of the revenue on to you

for central government expenditure,
of course.

But the rest. The rest would be
Scottish people spending Scottish money,

in Scotland on Scottish communities
for Scottish needs.

What could be wrong with that?

Um...

They're going to hold a referendum
next year.

I haven't agreed to that.

Well, this is a Scottish matter for
the Scots to vote on.

It's none of your business.

It's up to us to decide whether
we want to stay in the United Kingdom.

The future of Scotland is a matter
for the Scottish people alone.

Prime Minister, wait a minute.

Rory, I need to think about this
for a moment.

—I'm going to...
—Take some soundings.

Soundings.

Why would Humphrey want to help us?
He won't care if they dumped me.

He'll care about the breakup
of the Union.

And if he doesn't?

He'll care when you tell him
what Rory just said.

That the first thing they'll do after
they dump you is dump him.

Rory didn't...

Oh!

Oh!

Good idea.

Do you think the government's
really in danger, Sir Humphrey?

Of course not, Bernard.

Well, things are looking pretty grim
for the PM. He's very worried.

The Prime Minister may be in trouble.

The coalition may be in trouble,
but the government's not in trouble.

-But the coalition is the government.
—No, Bernard, we are the government.

—Yes, I know.
—Bernard, the Prime Minister

is our head of public relations.

That's what the job actually is.

You're saying that politicians
are really just useless puppets?

No, Bernard,
they are vitally important puppets!

Ah, good meeting, Prime Minister?

Oh, not a good meeting, Prime Minister?

Do you know what he wants?

All of Scotland's resources
to go to Scotland.

Tax revenue to Edinburgh, not London.

And if I won't agree,
they'll kick me out

and replace me with
the Foreign Secretary or the Chancellor.

Oh, that would be a tragedy.

And not just for me, for Britain.

Yes, indeed it would, Prime Minister,
but we cannot give in on taxation.

That would be the first step
on a very slippery slope.

I think perhaps you better
tell him, Prime Minister.

Tell me? What?

McAlister says they'll be getting
rid of you, too, Humphrey.

(MUMBLING)

It's their first priority.

I said, I'd take soundings
and get back to him.

So, go ahead. Sound.

Oh.

—He wants independence for Scotland?
—He does.

Give it to him.

So, keeping your job is more important

than holding the
United Kingdom together?

(LAUGHING)

That is very droll, dear lady. No.

No, it's just that the balance
of advantages and disadvantages

of certain constitutional arrangements
can become so unfavourable

to the major entity as opposed to
the minor or peripheral ethnicity,

that a judicious, well, integration of
possible disembarkation of the relations

should be pre-emptively
instigated by the former

rather than attempting the perpetuation
of a relationship which is inherently,

and indeed,
incontrovertibly prejudicial,

both to our own personal political
interest and economic prospects.

—Bernard?
—Sir Humphrey's fed up with the Scots.

What I don't get is, why do so many
Scots resent the English?

Oh, Prime Minister.

Resentment of the English is the only
thing that holds Scotland together.

Otherwise they'd be at
each other's throats.

You know, before the active Union,
the Highlands fought the Lowlands,

Catholics fought Calvinists,
Dissenters fought Anglicans,

Campbells fought McDonalds,
and now Rangers fans fight Celtic fans.

They just never stop.

But you think I should offer him
independence, just like that?

It'll scare the pants off him.

Bernard, have you got that report?

Oh, yes, Sir Humphrey.

He wants a referendum.
Should he be allowed to have one?

Well, we never gave the Irish
a referendum

when we gave them independence.

We didn't give independence
to the whole of Ireland.

If only we had.

It would have saved so much trouble.

The economics of Scottish independence
report, Prime Minister.

-Mm-hmm.
-Now that, Prime Minister, is not

for Scotsmen of a nervous disposition.

Sorry to keep you waiting, Rory.

I think you'll find
it was worth the wait.

I think you'll be very happy
with my decision.

Oh, aye?

Yes, time to set
the Scottish people free, you said.

And you know, I think you're right.

Full independence.

Yes, when the time is right.

Oh, the time is now. Seize the day.

I think we can get it through
this parliament.

Have you thought
what you'll do afterwards?

I'm sorry?

Well, obviously you won't have
a seat at Westminster.

You'll be from a foreign country.

But I'm sure you'll find something.

Will Scotland join the EU?

We're already in the EU, Jim.

No, we are.

You won't be when you leave the UK.
You'll have to apply for membership,

which would mean, of course,
joining the euro.

But you won't mind that, will you?

No, it's the economics that look like
being a bit of a problem for you.

You'll lose the £10 billion subsidy
which Whitehall hands you every year.

Plus another 10 to 20 billion of
Scottish costs which we pay directly.

We're not worried.

We'll have North Sea oil to ourselves.

You've been siphoning off
all the revenues for years.

No, no, it's Scottish oil and once
we get our full share,

we won't have any economic problems.

Well, actually, it's British oil.

Our international lawyers say,

that, as Scotland comprises
eight percent of the UK population,

she'll be entitled
to eight percent of future oil revenues.

Eight percent?

And then there's Scotland's share
of the national debt.

National debt?

Oh, yes, yes. It stands at 1.1 trillion.

So, Scotland's eight percent would be
88 billion.

JIM: No, the...

The Treasury say
that the new, independent Scotland

would start life with a debt of getting
on for 200 billion pounds.

Plus another 187 billion pounds

of toxic assets
from the Royal Bank of Scotland,

which are also yours.

You don't think I'm buying
this nonsense, do you?

It's just simple arithmetic.

And if you put taxes up, all
the big companies will move to England,

so your revenue goes down
and your debts go up.

Independence is what we want.
There's no compromise on that, Jim.

Oh, absolutely not.

But, but, in our referendum,
we'll be proposing two alternatives.

-Uh-huh.
-Independence now,

or a sort of a halfway house.
Getting there...

Getting there gradually.
After all, present circumstances,

things being the way things are,
and all the...

All the considerations to be,
well, considered. (CHUCKLES)

It might be wise to...

To just, to take a wee bit of a,
you know, a breather before we...

Well, you can propose as many
alternatives as you like

in your referendum.

We will propose only one option in ours.

—In your what?
—In our referendum.

The UK referendum.
We deserve a vote, too.

On whether we want to keep subsidising
the Scots

who are always complaining about
being occupied.

The rest of the UK doesn't see
why there should be 70 Scots MPs

at Westminster voting on UK affairs.

And there are no English, Irish or Welsh
MPs in the Scottish parliament,

which we pay for.

And they don't see why the students
in Scotland

should get free university education,
but English students don't.

Even if they go to
a Scottish university,

which the English are paying for anyway.

They don't see why they should
pay prescription charges,

but the Scots don't.

No, I have no doubt

that the UK will vote
for full independence.

Now.

Leave the Welsh
and the Irish out of this, right?

They're struggling to overcome
the legacy of English colonialism

in their own way.

The English don't care about Scotland,
one way or the other.

That may be true.

What's also true is, when you gave us
devolution, you gave us certain powers.

You don't like our choices,
so now you're having a wee tantrum.

Threatening to go home
and take your ball with you.

Our polls show there's a bigger margin
of support for Scottish independence

in England than there is in Scotland.

Can the Bank of England remain
the lender of last resort

for Scottish banks?

On the other hand, we don't have to have
our referendum

unless you have yours.

It's not necessary because
I'm offering you full independence.

Right now.

Now? What do you mean? This minute, now?

Now?

Well, you're not turning it down,
are you?

No! No.

No! Um...

It's, it's, it's what we want,
of course.

In the fullness of time, certainly,

these things have to be thought about.

Thought about. There's no reason in...
In rushing in.

—But, I mean, when the... When the...
—Time is ripe?

Time is ripe.

Yes, when the time is ripe.

So, you are turning it down.

Not exactly turning it down, no...

Because if it got out that you'd been
offered independence and refused it...

Sometimes things like this
can be difficult to keep under wraps.

But, you have my solemn promise

that not a word of this will ever
get out as long as I'm Prime Minister.

Thank you, Jim.

Ah! How did it 90, Prime Minister?

—I still have my job.
—And I?

Yes, if we can solve this European
debt crisis.

But we can't unless we get three
shady ladies for Mr Aitikeev.

Which means turning Chequers into
some sort of a high-class brothel.

That would hardly be new, Bernard.
Chequers has seen lots of prostitution.

The only difference is, is that there
would be people selling their bodies

instead of their souls.

I wonder what the Americans
would do about this.

Shall we ask them?

—Not the White House.
—How about the CIA?

I know somebody at the sharp end.

(PHONE BEEPS)

Yes, hi, it's Claire Sutton.

I'm fine, babe. How are you? (LAUGHS)

I'm at Chequers actually.

Fine, but we have a problem

and I wondered if you had a View
or any suggestions.

The conference here's been going fine
till now, everyone's ready to agree.

Urn, but now, unfortunately,
Mr Aitikeev...

Yes, the little Kumranistani
Foreign Minister.

He's demanding that we get three escorts
tonight for him to have an orgy.

Yes, tricky.

Otherwise the whole Euro zone might
implode with disastrous consequences

for you as well as us. Any thoughts?

We don't have people who do that.

Do what?

(IMITATING GUN SHOT)

I am leaving.

Get off that phone.
Murdoch's people might have hacked it.

Any other thoughts?

I don't know,
it's after 10:00 pm. here,

and we don't keep a vicar
on the premises.

—Now!
—I've got to dash, the PM is calling me.

Call you later. Bye, bye.

Assassination, is that what
he was suggesting?

I agree, it's not practical.

It's impractical and immoral.

We can't just go around murdering
the leaders

of democratically-elected
foreign governments.

But we have actually facilitated

the Americans
in this kind of operation, I believe.

We've never done it ourselves.

Well, maybe. You know, maybe,
maybe we should consider it.

—If it's what the people want.
—Which people?

Our people, Bernard.

That's how democracy's defined. Giving
the British people what they want.

But what about the people
of Kumranistan?

Are you saying British democracy
trumps everyone else's?

Well, obviously.

But we can't assassinate him.
It's wrong. It's unthinkable.

It's corrupt.

How would we do it, actually?

It's not practical. We don't have
the people to do that sort of thing.

Are you sure?

No, but I'm sure we don't have them
here tonight.

You mentioned something about a vicar.

He suggested getting
some religious input.

Why do the Yanks bring
God into everything?

He's on their side, isn't he?

So what did he suggest?

Pray.

—Murder and prayer.
—That's how they do things.

Aren't Americans odd?

Maybe it's not such a bad idea.

—\/\/hat?
—Prayer.

—You are kidding.
—Why not?

Blair and Bush used to pray.

And look where it got us.

Bernard!

No, no, wait.
I need to think for a moment.

I've never had to ask God's advice
about whether or not to supply

a trio of prostitutes before.

—He might be offended.
—Not with you, surely?

Aitikeev is the sinner here.

Well, that's right.

And if God gives me the okay,
then it can't be a sin.

If he says no, I won't do it.
So I'm in the clear either way.

But I wouldn't use
profane language to God, if I were you.

You know, like the F-word.

Don't actually say that Aitikeev
wants to F three hookers.

Thank you for those helpful comments.

I'm just saying that
it wouldn't be the norm, that's all.

Bernard, I imagine God knows all
the four letter words in every language.

He's meant to be omniscient.

In which case,
he would know about all this already.

In fact, he could be
waiting to hear from me.

Then I shouldn't keep him
waiting for too long, if I were you.

He's probably got
a lot of other stuff to deal with.

Okay,

but I am the Prime Minister of

the United Kingdom of Great Britain
and Northern Ireland,

and one of the Presidents
of the European Union.

I think he knows he has to
find time for me when I need it.

Well, we'll see, won't we?

Come on, Claire. Come on. You, too.

Come on!

Oh, God,

our rock in ages past,

sorry I've been out of touch for a bit.

We're all down here at Chequers,

as you know already,
of course, being omniscient,

ready to sign a pipeline contract

which could save the EU from imploding.

And now out of the clear, blue sky,

Mr Aitikeev has demanded

et cetera, et cetera.

You know it all.

So, if we don't get him three, um,

call girls...

Sorry about the language, Lord. I was...

I was trying to think of
a nice way to put it, but

if we, if we

don't get them,

he will renege,
the conference will collapse,

and the opportunity for agreement
and harmony

and peace on Earth,

well, in Europe anyway,

will be lost.

So, my question is,

which is the greater evil, oh, Lord?

Is it really okay for me to authorise

procuring three little scrubbers
for him to have sex with?

And I'm having trouble
squaring that away.

Oh, oh, and, by the way,

if you do tell me to get him
these girls,

what do we do with them afterwards?
Do we give them honours?

I look forward to hearing from you

at your earliest convenience. Amen.

—Amen.
—How was that?

Clear, respectful.

—Now what?
—See if he answers.

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Maybe that was it.

Don't be silly. A thunderstorm's
been forecast since yesterday.

If it is God, he sounds angry.

Well, obviously. No way he'd approve.

See?

What I want to know is,
if God does exist,

why does he run the world
like the Home Office?

Claire, this is a serious problem.

I agree. So, let's find
a serious way of tackling it.

We are trying prayer
since we have no other ideas.

—Okay?
—Okay!

Is God telling you to get hookers
for Mr Aitikeev or not.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

I think what he's saying is,

"Search your heart

"and find a way to do what's right."

That sounds like
just the sort of thing he'd say.

Do you know what?

I see a way out of this hideous dilemma!

Thank you, God!

Are you all right?

God has given me an inspiration!

Why must they be British girls?

What?

Every time I have a meeting

with the Women and Equality unit,
or Justice For Women,

they tell me there is
a huge problem in our major cities

with sex trafficking.

Foreign girls brought over to London
by the lorry load.

—So...
—I see.

Get three of them.

No family. No one will miss them,

probably don't even speak English.

That's it.
We get girls that don't speak English.

Then there's no way
they can tell anyone anything.

We give them to Aitikeev tonight,
deport them tomorrow.

It's done!

It's perfect!

What? How is that perfect?

What about human rights?

We protect our citizens.
What is the matter with you?

We'd be sex slave traffickers ourselves.

Bernard, if some illegal immigrants

are having sex with Aitikeev,
I'm sorry about it.

But if they're not British,
they're not my problem.

Bernard, you really are being
a little bit sentimental.

And none of this is my fault.

If you want to blame somebody,
go and talk to Mr Aitikeev.

But, no!

You won't do that!

Or come up with a better plan,

or shut up and get it done.

—I do not believe women are worthless.
—\/\/hat?

When did Jim say that?

I don't think women are worthless,

it was foreigners I was talking about.

Well, it seemed to me to be
the implication of the whole discussion,

of everything the ambassador said.

And I, personally, am most reluctant
to break the law

and procure three foreign women

for what seems to me an immoral purpose.

Immoral?

The future of Europe is at stake!

The money supply, mass unemployment...

I just think it's not right.

This is a moral dilemma
that I really don't know how to address.

Are you refusing to cooperate?

(HESITATINGLY) Well, it's not as if...

Well... I mean...

Well, actually...

Yes, Prime Minister.