All language subtitles for Yes, Prime Minister - 01x03 - Gentleman`s Agreement

Bernard, where's that
Civil Service Reform Bill?

I thought you promised Sir Humphrey
you were going to abandon it.

I never said abandon,

I said we could put it
on the back burner.

That's Civil Service speak
for abandoned.

—Where is it, Bernard?
—It's gone.

—What do you mean gone?
—Lost, discredited, shredded.

One of those, ages ago.
I can't remember exactly.

JIM: Bernard!
BERNARD: It really wasn't very good.

Too general, badly argued,
impracticable, over specific...

Too general and over specific?

I kept a copy in your desk, Jim.

Ah!

Oh, yes.

This will really cramp their style,
clip their wings, tie their hands.

Nothing has hands and wings,
Prime Minister.

Didn't you just promise Sir Humphrey

that you were going to put
Civil Service reform on the back burner?

And now I'm putting it back
on the front burner.

Humphrey shouldn't have leaked
that we were joining the euro.

Particularly, as I had no intention
of doing so.

—He was trying to twist my arm.
—I know, Prime Minister...

And he leaked it to
Golding Brothers Bank,

where he has a directorship lined up.

We cannot allow leaks to the City

designed to increase one's
market value on retirement.

This revolving door problem
must be dealt with.

But the leak was inaccurate.

That doesn't excuse it.
That makes it worse.

And it caused the run
on the pound, remember?

But it was done from
the best of motives.

This loan from Kumranistan

will help save your summit conference
at Lancaster House.

His motive in leaking
was to feather his own nest.

Full stop. Piss off.

The country will love it. It's a winner.

And it will remind Humphrey
who's running the country.

Sir Humphrey, the PM wants
to talk to you again.

Ugh. What is it now?

I can't tell you. I am...
I was told it's a secret.

Bernard, I am the one
who decides what's secret.

But he intimated to me
that he sees himself

as the proud successor to Pitt and Peel,

to Gladstone and Disraeli and Churchill.

He seems to think he's in charge
and we're just paid officials.

Functionaries.

Good God!

It's not his business to interfere
in the way government is run.

As the head of the Home Civil Service,
I am the true head of government.

-But what's the Prime Minister then?
—Well, he's our marketing consultant.

The party leaders pitch for our business
every four or five years, Bernard.

And the electorate simply chooses
the mouthpiece of the moment.

But politicians do have
their uses though, don't they?

Yes, they make the case
for our policies on television

better than you and I would.

And when we write speeches,

we need someone to read them out for us
in the House of Commons.

But they come and 90, Bernard,
whereas we stay.

Permanence is power.

I'm really not sure
that's a good system.

It's made Britain what she is today.

That's true.

Ministers average 15 months
in their jobs, Bernard.

And they're only
in their departments part-time.

Their real job is getting re-elected.

Their attention and skill,
well, such as it is,

is focused on the House of Commons,
their constituencies, the media,

and try to do down their opponents.

Whereas we are here for 30 or 40 years.

And we run a budget
of £600 billion, Bernard.

(CHUCKLES) It's quite obvious
who's actually running the country.

Well, it's not obvious to the PM.

Prime Ministers have a special talent
for missing the obvious.

And this one is exceptionally gifted
in that regard.

His capacity for self-deception
borders on genius.

But the Prime Minister
is the democratically-elected leader.

Oh, no, Bernard.

Bernard, Prime Ministers are
the democratically-elected scapegoats.

They are there to take the blame
on those rare occasions

when we do something badly.

But he makes policy decisions.

Well, he makes policy decisions, yes,
but just trivial ones.

If he's going to start doing real things
without our permission,

he must be stopped.

So your future, Bernard,
depends on your telling me his secret.

Yes, Sir Humphrey.

But I do have something else
you might find rather interesting.

Well, go on.

Well, it seems they've just discovered
another batch of MPs' expenses claims.

—Yes.
—And some of them are

from the Prime Minister
before he was Prime Minister,

back when he was in Opposition,
after he was previously Prime Minister.

And?

And, well, um,
I'm not sure quite how to...

Well, some of them are not
necessarily entirely, um...

Well, they might be possibly construed
as, um, not completely honest.

Really, Bernard?

How shocking.

Do tell me more.

Well, it seems that for four years

he claimed rental on a house
in his constituency.

When, in fact, he actually
stayed at his parents' house

—and sublet the constituency house.
—Ah.

He failed to declare the rental income.
It's all here.

Oh, this is terrible, Bernard.

Yes, Sir Humphrey.

If this got out, he'd have to resign.

And this is tax fraud.

That's prison.

Anyway, he wants to see you now.

Excellent.

I want to see him now.

Jim, just remember the old rule,
never corner the rat, it may bite.

—Give him an escape route.
—He can't escape from this one.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

He's coming.

Ah, Humphrey. Do sit down.

We've been talking about this leak.

What leak, Prime Minister?

About joining the euro.
Surely you've heard.

It's all around the City, apparently.

Oh, that, yeah, well.

—What can you tell me about it?
—I, Prime Minister? Nothing.

Except that I'm told
there all these rumours,

it happens all the time.

Oh, no, this is different.

Hardly anybody knew about your plan

and then Golding Brothers Bank
started buying up

wads of euros this afternoon.

Who tipped them off?

Well, if anybody did,
we'll never find out.

I think we will.

Where did you have lunch yesterday,
Sir Humphrey?

Oh, I don't remember.

It was Le Gavroche, Sir Humphrey.

Oh, yes.

Thank you, Bernard.

Le Gavroche. (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

—Why?
—On your own?

Do you know, I don't recall.
Who was it now?

You don't remember that, either?

One has so many lunches.

One a day, in fact.

Yes, yes.

I understand.

Bernard, ring Le Gavroche
and ask the head waiter

who Sir Humphrey
had lunch with yesterday.

Yes, now, now, I remember now.
It was some friends.

—Who were they?
—Just friends.

Not directors of Golding Brothers Bank?

Prime Minister, one does not
cross examine one's friends

as to which directorships
they may happen to hold.

Well, we can easily find out.

What is the point, exactly?

The point is, there is bound
to be suspicion in cases like this.

Well, I can't see why, Prime Minister.

Surely you know the Civil Service
will always do

what is best for the country.

What about the government?

Well, I presume
the government will, too.

Humphrey, many people suspect

the public officials are using
government information

to get themselves directorships

and lucrative quangos
for their retirement.

I don't know how you could even
suggest such a thing.

You think this suspicion is unfair
to loyal civil servants.

Indeed I do.

Well, I'm afraid I share
their suspicion.

Perhaps I'm wrong.

But, to be sure,
I have decided to go ahead

with the Civil Service Reform Bill
after all.

—What?
—Yes.

I think you'll be very happy about this.

It will include a ban
on any related jobs

for civil servants for five years
after they retire.

No revolving door any more,

no paid directorships,
no paid consultancies.

(STAMMERING)

Prime Minister, this is absurd.

Men of great wisdom, great experience,

leading figures of their generation,
so much to offer.

And they can offer it, Humphrey.

Pro bono.

That's Latin, Bernard.

-Pro bono publico actually.
—Exactly.

All that wisdom and experience
can be offered

to the unpaid, voluntary sector,
Humphrey, for the public good.

It will remove any temptation

to betray government confidences
to commercial employers.

That will be a relief, won't it?

Well, it's never been a problem,
Prime Minister.

We have a Clearance Committee.

Everybody's new job
has to be approved by it.

Who appoints the members?

Oh, um...

There is an established procedure.

You appoint them, Sir Humphrey.

Do I?

(CHUCKLING) Oh, yes. So I do.

Thank you, dear lady.

I do. As it happens.

We'll appoint
an independent Clearance Tsar.

Oh, no, please, Prime Minister,
not another tsar.

We need to bring outsiders in.

I want a government of all the talents.

The Civil Service acronym

for Government Of All The Talents
is GOATS.

Yeah.

Thank you, Bernard.

In the last three years,

you've appointed an Enterprise Tsar,
a Youth Crime Tsar,

a Welfare Tsar, a Pre-school Supremo,

an Unemployment Watch Dog,
a Banking Regulator.

Oh, a Science and Technology Supremo,

and a Community Policing Tsar.

If you go on like this,
you won't need a cabinet.

—Perfect!
—SIR HUMPHREY: What...

Perfect? Prime Minister,
we even have a Twitter Tsar.

Her appointment was announced
as a tweet.

Well, what is she supposed to achieve?

None of these people have
ever achieved anything.

They achieve their objective,

at least 12 column inches
in every paper.

Merely by announcing them,
it was achieved,

it showed we were responsive,
we were doing something.

And it shut the press up.

—And it didn't cost anything.
—What?

The Twitter Tsar earns £160,000 a year.

Cheap at the price.
Headline news everywhere.

It would have cost a lot more

if we'd set them up
with offices and staff.

But that would have meant
more index-linked pensions.

Which is something else

the Civil Service Reform Bill
will address.

You're not really going to get rid

of index-linked pensions,
Prime Minister?

Prime Minister, you wouldn't want to
do that to the nurses, would you?

Or the dedicated teachers,

the courageous policemen,
the gallant firemen.

The starving permanent secretaries.

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

That is very droll.

Uh, Prime Min... (STAMMERING)

Actually, Prime Minister, I agree.
Yes, I agree.

There are aspects of the organisation
and administration of the public sector

which could certainly benefit
from measured consideration

in the context of changing circumstances
and the structural metamorphosis

precipitated by
the communications revolution.

But it is important to bear in mind

that the administrative
practical conditions of service

have evolved over many years

with manifold
and complex inter-relationships.

So, any attempt to vary one of them

could have serious
and unforeseeable effects

and unpredictable repercussions
on others.

So, to that effect, I...

I would suggest setting up a series of
interdepartmental committees...

Nope.

No, Humphrey.

No time for
interdepartmental committees.

But there is one other change
I'd welcome your views on.

Hmm, Prime Minister?

Would you call yourself a generalist
with your degree in classics?

Oh, yes, indeed, I would.
It's a first-class degree, actually.

—Me, too.
—Claire got a double first.

Claire, tell Sir Humphrey what your
PhD thesis at Cambridge was all about.

It was called Civil Service,
The Pretence and the Practice.

Very impressive, good lady.

It was published
by the university press.

What a pity.

The publishers seem to be
struggling to survive nowadays.

I wonder why?

Claire has thought of a way
to improve the Civil Service.

That's impossible.

—To improve the service?
—Or that I thought of a way?

The point is, I was over at
the Ministry of Defence last week.

If tod them rather impressive,
don't you?

Well, I do.

And what was really impressive was

they actually knew
what they were talking about.

They were qualified professionals,

soldiers, generals, admirals,
experienced commanders.

Now, all our other government
departments are staffed

by historians,
literature graduates, classicists.

Ah, excellent.
Men with the wisdom of the ages.

No, Humphrey! Amateurs!

—Amateurs?
—We should have teachers

at the Department of Education.

Doctors and nurses at
the Department of Health.

Accountants and actuaries
at the Treasury.

Experts! People who actually know
what needs to be done!

I think that would be
very dangerous, Prime Minister.

I want advice from real people,

who are living in the real world,
doing the real jobs.

Prime Minister, you are striking

at the very heart
of our whole system of government.

Our success is founded upon staying free
from the taint of professionalism

and the corruption
of specialist knowledge.

You're not seriously going to...

You wouldn't... Would he, Bernard?

(MOUTHING)

I would.

Well, before you go any further,
Prime Minister,

I have another problem.

—You have another problem?
—Yes, Prime Minister.

Oh, poor old Humphrey,
not your day, is it?

No, indeed.

Come on, then, out with it.

Well, it's about MPs' expenses.

I thought that was all over.

Well, the Treasury auditors
have come up with another batch

earlier than the ones
that have been published.

Not a problem,
we deal with them like the last lot.

Even if it means
more criminal prosecutions?

Humphrey, if people break the law,
they have to take the consequences.

—Even if it was some time ago?
—Of course.

And even if some of the offenders have
now reached positions of eminence?

—That depends.
—No, Claire, it doesn't.

The law is no respecter of persons.

Prime Minister, there are sometimes
extenuating circumstances...

No, if people do wrong,

they have to be punished
without fear or favour,

no matter who they are
or how long ago it happened.

—Does that solve your problem, Humphrey?
—No.

Not entirely, Prime Minister.

—Prime Minister, I really must...
—Quiet, Claire.

Well, one of the claims
is clearly fraudulent and very large.

It concerns an Opposition MP who claimed
the rental of a home in his constituency

whereas he actually
stayed with his parents.

He sublet the house

and he pocketed the rental
without declaring it.

—An Opposition MP?
—Well, he was in Opposition then.

He's in government now.

Not to put too fine a point on it,
Prime Minister,

he's the Prime Minister,

Prime Minister.

It's all here.

Ah, yes.

Well, no, this... Uh, this is...

I mean, you have to understand this,
this was years ago.

Yes, but within
the statute of limitations.

No, no, you don't understand,
there was... There was terrific pressure

not to raise MPs' salaries,

so the whips encouraged us
to find other ways.

Everybody was doing it.
It was a sort of gentlemen's agreement.

So, you're happy for me to release this?

No!

No, people wouldn't understand,

and the press always make a meal
of this sort of thing.

Yes, but you do see
my problem, Prime Minister.

I mean, you command my complete loyalty.
I am your servant.

But the law is the law.

And the law concerning
being an accessory

to a criminal act is very clear.

—Is this a photocopy?
—Yes.

It does put me in a very difficult
position, Prime Minister.

I see.

Prime Minister, may I have
a word with you in private?

Oh, oh, yes.

Um... Would you
excuse us please, Humphrey?

Oh, yes. And the reform
to the Civil Service Bill?

-You'll think about it.
—I'll think about it.

Thank you, Prime Minister.

Him, too.

Really? Um...

Bernard, Claire and I
are having a private word.

Fine.

Yes, it won't be private
until you've actually gone.

Oh, I see.

I thought that as I was your
Principal Private Secretary,

I was privy to...

-Oh, get out, Bernard!
—Yes, Prime Minister.

—(DOOR CLOSES)
—Claire, what am I going to do?

If I go ahead with Civil Service Reform,

he'll spill the beans
about my expenses claims.

It's blackmail.

I think Humphrey would call it
a negotiating position.

It isn't.
I'm not in a position to negotiate.

I think you are.

I told you I was
looking into Humphrey's affairs.

Jim, have you ever heard of
Government Procurement Cards?

No. What are they?

They're just ordinary
credit cards really,

except for the government
picks up the tab.

Used by civil servants
for government purchases.

You mean stationery,
rail fares, that sort of thing?

In theory.

And in practice?

In practice, there are bills
from pubs, pizza parlours,

karaoke bars, gift websites,
visits to Tesco.

—Using public money?
—For private purchases, yes.

And the person
ultimately responsible for this

is the head of the Civil Service.

BOTH: Humphrey!

So, naturally, I checked
his personal Procurement Card.

Naturally.

Why didn't you tell me till now?

I dint want to corner the rat,
but now that it's bitten you,

I think we have no choice
but to kill it.

Haslemere Riding School?

His daughter likes horses.

Thank you, Claire.
You are indispensable.

I think we might have word
with him about this.

Bernard, could you and Humphrey
come back in here, please?

If you look on this page here,

you'll find some
very interesting statistics

about the whole
Procurement Card business.

Extraordinary! I had no idea.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Ah!

You wanted a word, Prime Minister?

Well, really I want your help.

Well, that could be difficult.
This is a serious criminal matter.

Are you by any chance referring
to my expenses?

Well, yes,
that is what we were discussing.

Just to digress for a moment.

Um, I want your help in understanding
Procurement Cards.

Oh, well, they're just government
credit cards for official purchases.

—How many civil servants have them?
—A few hundred, maybe.

Well, if you include local government,
maybe getting on to 1,000.

And how much is spent on them, roughly?

Oh, a few hundred thousand, maybe.

According to my information

there are 140,000 Procurement Cards
circulating within the public sector.

I can't imagine where
you got that figure.

I got it from
the Controller—General's office.

Oh, well, then, of course, yes.
Well, it...

I mean, yes...
That really is surprising.

—Did it surprise you, Bernard?
—No, Sir Humphrey.

Well, it surprises me.

But the annual cost is rather more
than a few hundred thousand pounds.

Oh, well, if you include everything,
I suppose, at the end of the day

with one thing or another,
it could be getting on for, um...

Um, maybe a million.

—Rather more.
—Million and a half.

Two million?

—Surely not.
—A billion, Sir Humphrey.

One thousand million pounds a year.

I can't believe that.
Can you believe that, Bernard?

Yes, Sir Humphrey.

Well, I can't!
It just goes to show, doesn't it?

What an expensive business
government is.

—Certainly does.
—Yes.

Stationery, office furniture,
electrical goods, legal services...

Pubs, pizza parlours,
supermarkets, karaoke bars...

Surely not.

Oh, yes, Humphrey, they're all in here.

Thousands and thousands of them.

I'm shocked.
Aren't you shocked, Bernard?

No, Sir Humphrey.

But, Humphrey,
aren't you responsible for this?

Well, yes, but you cannot
expect me to monitor

every item on every Government
Procurement Card...

Now, Prime Minister,
if this is an attempt to distract

from the serious matter
of your dubious expenses claim...

Certainly not!

But you are expected to know about
a billion pounds' worth of expenditure

by your officials.

Oh, yes, of course, thank you very much
for reminding me, dear lady.

Any fraudulent offenders
will be very severely dealt with.

With the full rigour of Service
disciplinary procedures.

—Certainly.
—And criminal charges,

—where appropriate.
—Most certainly.

Good!

Because I've been looking
at your own Procurement Card spending.

Those are confidential documents,
they're not for disclosure!

They've been disclosed
at the Prime Minister's request.

You seem to have charged
a lot of restaurant bills,

very expensive restaurants.

Yes, it's government hospitality.

Club subscriptions, the MCC,
golf clubs, the Athenaeum.

Well, I have to socialise

with many important people,
in the national interest.

Three cases of Château Margaux
from Berry Brothers Wine Merchants

delivered to your home address.

Two weeks for you and Lady Appleby
at a hotel in Deauville

coinciding with your summer leave.

Riding lessons in Haslemere.

Orchids from Haslemere Florists Limited.

CLAIRE: Let's get to the point,
Sir Humphrey.

If you reopen the question
of MPs' expenses,

you will, in fact, be joining the
Prime Minister in a career suicide pact.

Do you want that?

Dear lady, how could you
even suggest such a thing?

I am the Prime Minister's
humble servant.

—Therefore?
—Therefore,

his interests are paramount
in my thoughts.

Therefore?

Well, therefore, while it is true
that, in principle,

the activities and procedures
of government

should be conducted with
unimpeachable transparency

and, indeed, punished
with unmitigated vigour,

it would be unrealistic
and, indeed, rather foolish

to ignore the possibility that, under
the pressure of unforeseen events,

circumstances and situations can arise

in which the principle of transparency,
if too literally applied,

could precipitate a series
of consequences

which might not only cause
grave embarrassment to the government,

but also inflict severe damage
on the national interest.

Rendering it, therefore,
not only tactically expedient,

but also politically advisable,
nay, indeed imperative,

to suspend,
purely temporarily of course,

the principle of universal freedom
of information

and to withhold,
entirely in the public interest,

information which might simultaneously
bring unwarranted disrepute

on the affairs of state

and unfairly undermine confidence

in the probity and competence
of those to whom has been given

the responsibility
for the conduct of affairs.

Sweep it under the carpet, you mean?

Oh, no, Prime Minister.

Nothing should ever be swept
under the carpet.

Merely held over till the time is ripe.

He means sweep it under the carpet.

Excellent advice, Humphrey.

Because we still have
this ongoing crisis.

We still need this loan
from Kumranistan,

which you say has to be in euros,

but, as you know, I won't join the euro.

Well, if you don't, Prime Minister,

and if Europe does not get this loan,

it will be engulfed in a complete
financial meltdown.

And the Civil Service Reform Bill,
what shall we do about that?

Yes, I've been thinking about that.

And, alas, I don't think you've got time
for it in this parliamentary session.

No.

No, not if our share of the
Kumranistani loan comes in pounds

because we'd have to pass
a new Finance Act.

But if it were to come in euros,
it would all be handled in Brussels,

leaving us plenty of time
for Civil Service Reform.

Ah!

So, you mean, Prime Minister,

that if the European Central Bank agreed

that the monies could go
direct to the individual countries...

In their chosen currency.

Then Civil Service Reform
would go back on the back burner.

SIR HUMPHREY: Ah!

But you said they wouldn't agree.

No, I said I didn't think they'd agree.

—I could be wrong.
—Ah!

Say that again.

I said, I could be wrong.

Leave it with me, Prime Minister.

Bernard.

Well played, Jim.

Oh, Gerhard. Can you spare a moment?

Of course.

It's about this Kumranistan loan.

You know what I think.

It's a lifeline for Europe and your
absurd government is blocking it.

You think Humphrey can
square the European Central Bank?

I think so. He'll be talking to
Gerhard Muller right now.

The President of the ECB, he's here?

Yes, to complete the arrangements
with Mr Aitikeev.

—Could you go ahead without us?
—I don't see how.

The Kumranistanis want a guarantee
of British oil purchases.

You have over 60 million people
in your country.

And the loan must be in euros?

But it was you who insisted on that.

It would be a major step towards
a United States of Europe,

which you and I have always wanted.

Well, yes, but the Prime Minister
won't go along with it.

Then get another Prime Minister.

Can't do that tonight, Gerhard.
Be reasonable.

Well, I don't see why not.

Most of his cabinet want the job.
They've all mentioned it to me.

The Home Secretary,
the Foreign Secretary, the Chancellor.

Yes, but none of them
will challenge him on this.

We still have some elements
of a democracy in Britain,

alas!

So, is Britain blowing the deal?

Not if we can get our share of the loan
in sterling.

Well, that's too bad.

Jim Hacker is against all the principles
of the European super state.

—Yes.
—His request is contrary

to the whole spirit
of the European movement.

—Yes.
—He is setting back,

by years, Britain's
final integration into Europe.

Yes, but 10 trillion dollars.

Exactly.

—So you agree.
—Of course. I have no choice.

Do you have to square it
with any other countries?

No, that would be anarchy.

Brussels decides,
then everyone does what we say.

That's how we do things in Europe.

—I'm envious.
—Of course.

In my opinion,
Humphrey was just trying it on.

Ramping up pressure on you
to agree to the join the euro.

So that's why he leaked his plans
to his banking chums.

I doubt if he meant to.

I expect he was just sucking up to them.

Showing how useful he could be.

He was probably horrified
when they started buying euros.

He has going to have to do some
explaining to Gerhard Muller.

He'll blame you.

Prime Minister, I've just had a word

with the head
of the European Central Bank.

Yes. And?

Well, it seems that
the alternative economic arrangement

which you stipulated
could conceivably be accommodated

within the current proposed formalities,

as long as they can be diplomatically
and democratically resolved.

Is that a yes or a no, Bernard?

Yes, Prime Minister.

Yes, it's a yes, or yes, it's a no?

No, it's a yes, Prime Minister.