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1
00:00:30,805 --> 00:00:33,923
Humphrey, why on earth would you want us
to join the euro now?
2
00:00:34,005 --> 00:00:36,838
Prime Minister, your summit conference
at Lancaster House,
3
00:00:36,925 --> 00:00:39,075
to solve this terrible financial crisis,
4
00:00:39,165 --> 00:00:41,884
which currently threatens
to engulf the whole of Europe,
5
00:00:41,965 --> 00:00:44,434
has been an abject diplomatic failure.
6
00:00:44,525 --> 00:00:46,243
But joining the euro?
7
00:00:46,325 --> 00:00:49,283
It's going from the frying pan
into the fire!
8
00:00:49,365 --> 00:00:53,199
-Look what happened to Greece!
-But the Kumranistanis are oil-rich,
9
00:00:53,285 --> 00:00:56,243
and if we become part of their
pipeline project to Europe,
10
00:00:56,325 --> 00:00:59,761
their loan will solve
all of Europe's financial problems.
11
00:00:59,845 --> 00:01:01,961
The cost is too high!
12
00:01:02,045 --> 00:01:05,720
This is a shameless scheme, Humphrey,
to get us to join the euro!
13
00:01:05,805 --> 00:01:07,443
But the loan is in euros!
14
00:01:08,285 --> 00:01:12,597
All I know is I have caught you
red-handed in a devious attempt
15
00:01:12,685 --> 00:01:15,518
to inveigle us into the eurozone
behind my back!
16
00:01:15,605 --> 00:01:17,164
No! Well, yes, but...
17
00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:19,994
And you were going to hide it from me
18
00:01:20,085 --> 00:01:22,076
until it was too late
for me to do anything about it!
19
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:25,795
Prime Minister, you need this deal.
I did it for you!
20
00:01:26,285 --> 00:01:29,482
You must be barking mad!
21
00:01:29,565 --> 00:01:31,317
Joining the euro now?
22
00:01:31,405 --> 00:01:34,636
I am trying to save you from yourself.
23
00:01:34,725 --> 00:01:38,320
No European Central Bank.
No euro, or no deal!
24
00:01:38,405 --> 00:01:40,760
But the Germans
will have so many objections.
25
00:01:40,845 --> 00:01:43,644
Ten trillion dollars
worth of objections?
26
00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:47,880
I thought not. And you were going
to let them get away with it.
27
00:01:47,965 --> 00:01:50,320
It would be the ultimate victory
for Brussels.
28
00:01:50,405 --> 00:01:55,923
Britain becomes an insignificant outpost
of the collapsing European empire!
29
00:01:56,005 --> 00:01:58,315
Prime Minister, if you take another look
at the computer models...
30
00:01:58,405 --> 00:02:01,761
Computer models are what got us into
this financial mess in the first place!
31
00:02:01,845 --> 00:02:03,597
Oh, no, no, no. That's quite different.
32
00:02:03,685 --> 00:02:06,279
Nobody knew that those
computer models in the City
33
00:02:06,365 --> 00:02:08,641
were being given faulty information.
34
00:02:08,725 --> 00:02:12,434
Everyone assumed that mortgages
were worth their face value.
35
00:02:13,325 --> 00:02:16,317
But they were worth nothing!
Why didn't anyone know?
36
00:02:16,405 --> 00:02:17,520
Why didn't you know?
37
00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:21,838
Well, everybody thought that everybody
else understood what was going on.
38
00:02:21,925 --> 00:02:24,565
Nobody wanted to admit
that they couldn't make sense of it.
39
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:27,763
—Why couldn't they?
—Because it didn't make sense.
40
00:02:28,965 --> 00:02:30,080
There were some who knew,
41
00:02:30,165 --> 00:02:34,238
but the ones who didn't know didn't
believe that the ones who did know knew.
42
00:02:34,325 --> 00:02:35,599
Say that again.
43
00:02:36,445 --> 00:02:39,039
Prime Minister,
nobody wanted to rock the boat
44
00:02:39,125 --> 00:02:41,799
because everybody was making
so much money.
45
00:02:41,885 --> 00:02:46,675
Computer models, Humphrey,
are no different from fashion models.
46
00:02:46,765 --> 00:02:50,201
Seductive, unreliable, easily corrupted,
47
00:02:50,285 --> 00:02:53,243
and they lead sensible people
to make fools of themselves!
48
00:02:54,365 --> 00:02:57,517
Because you believed the computer models
about the euro,
49
00:02:57,605 --> 00:03:01,997
you tried to bounce your plan past me
and not tell me until it was too late.
50
00:03:02,085 --> 00:03:03,155
I'm appalled!
51
00:03:03,565 --> 00:03:07,081
I really don't know whether
we can go on working together.
52
00:03:07,165 --> 00:03:08,519
Prime Minister!
53
00:03:09,525 --> 00:03:11,755
I always thought I could trust you.
54
00:03:11,845 --> 00:03:13,756
You can!
55
00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:17,759
Quite frankly,
I am now profoundly suspicious
56
00:03:17,845 --> 00:03:20,837
about this whole Kumranistan loan.
57
00:03:20,925 --> 00:03:23,997
I mean, I don't know what else
I don't know. Do you know?
58
00:03:25,445 --> 00:03:29,075
—Do I know what you don't know?
—Yes.
59
00:03:29,165 --> 00:03:32,362
Is there anything else I don't know
that I should know?
60
00:03:33,365 --> 00:03:35,959
I hardly know where to begin.
61
00:03:36,245 --> 00:03:37,724
About this plan!
62
00:03:37,805 --> 00:03:39,443
Yes, yes, yes, of course.
Prime Minister, look,
63
00:03:39,525 --> 00:03:43,314
you know everything you need to know
if you want this loan.
64
00:03:43,405 --> 00:03:48,002
If you don't want your premiership
to crash on take-off,
65
00:03:48,085 --> 00:03:50,315
this is the way that it has to be.
66
00:03:50,405 --> 00:03:51,440
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
67
00:03:51,525 --> 00:03:54,324
Drinks with Mr Aitikeev,
the Kumranistani Foreign Secretary,
68
00:03:54,405 --> 00:03:55,884
are in 5 minutes, Prime Minister.
69
00:03:56,005 --> 00:03:57,678
Thank you, Bernard.
70
00:03:57,765 --> 00:04:00,803
At least I can believe what you tell me.
71
00:04:06,725 --> 00:04:07,795
Bernard?
72
00:04:10,365 --> 00:04:13,721
Did you tell the Prime Minister about
our possibly joining the euro?
73
00:04:13,805 --> 00:04:16,240
Absolutely not, Sir Humphrey.
You told me not to.
74
00:04:16,325 --> 00:04:18,202
Well, then what put him on to it?
75
00:04:18,285 --> 00:04:20,037
Well, perhaps it was
his special advisor.
76
00:04:20,125 --> 00:04:22,036
Oh, that woman.
77
00:04:22,125 --> 00:04:24,560
How did he arrange to get her here
without your knowing?
78
00:04:24,645 --> 00:04:26,636
Well, I expect he called her
on his Blackberry.
79
00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:28,796
You're not letting him
make his own appointments!
80
00:04:29,165 --> 00:04:32,635
If you lose control over his diary,
you lose control over him.
81
00:04:32,725 --> 00:04:35,604
You'll never know where it'll end.
He'll start running the country!
82
00:04:36,765 --> 00:04:38,802
He can't! He doesn't know how to.
83
00:04:40,205 --> 00:04:42,162
—Of course he doesn't.
—So what can I do about it?
84
00:04:42,245 --> 00:04:44,634
-Get rid of his Blackberry, Bernard.
—How?
85
00:04:44,725 --> 00:04:48,480
Look, give me yours. And find me
a paper clip and straighten it.
86
00:04:48,565 --> 00:04:51,921
Now you take off the back plate,
pull out the battery, thus.
87
00:04:52,005 --> 00:04:53,962
Ah, you see that hole, Bernard?
88
00:04:54,045 --> 00:04:56,605
That is the reset button.
89
00:04:56,685 --> 00:05:00,201
Paper clip? Now, you push that, thus.
90
00:05:01,805 --> 00:05:07,039
Right. That, Bernard,
is scrambled for days.
91
00:05:09,005 --> 00:05:10,325
—Thank you, Sir Humphrey.
—(DOOR OPENING)
92
00:05:10,525 --> 00:05:13,244
I had no idea you understood technology.
93
00:05:13,365 --> 00:05:15,641
I understand survival, Bernard.
94
00:05:15,725 --> 00:05:18,524
And you can practise
while I am at the dinner.
95
00:05:21,085 --> 00:05:22,962
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
96
00:05:28,485 --> 00:05:30,442
You don't look very happy, Bernard.
What's the matter?
97
00:05:30,525 --> 00:05:32,277
I've just had another wigging
from Sir Humphrey.
98
00:05:32,365 --> 00:05:35,357
—And what was it about this time?
—I can't really tell you, I'm afraid.
99
00:05:35,445 --> 00:05:37,197
Oh, well,
you'll feel better after dinner.
100
00:05:37,285 --> 00:05:39,196
I hear the new cook's awfully good.
101
00:05:39,285 --> 00:05:42,482
—I can't come to the dinner now.
—Humphrey?
102
00:05:42,565 --> 00:05:44,954
—Why do you put up with it?
—Well, he's my boss.
103
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:46,718
And I thought
the Prime Minister was your boss.
104
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:48,716
Oh, come on, Claire, I know you get it.
105
00:05:48,805 --> 00:05:50,955
—I'm the servant of two masters.
—Yes.
106
00:05:51,045 --> 00:05:54,083
Well, it's not really a problem
when they want the same thing.
107
00:05:54,165 --> 00:05:56,156
It's not even a problem
when they want different things.
108
00:05:56,245 --> 00:05:59,317
But it is a problem when they want
completely opposite things.
109
00:05:59,405 --> 00:06:02,875
And in that situation, presumably,
the Prime Minister takes precedence?
110
00:06:02,965 --> 00:06:04,285
Well, yes and no.
111
00:06:05,045 --> 00:06:07,241
The Prime Minister
is only my temporary boss.
112
00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:08,963
Sir Humphrey's my permanent boss.
113
00:06:09,045 --> 00:06:11,355
Well, surely there's a way
of keeping them both happy.
114
00:06:11,445 --> 00:06:13,880
—Is there? Do tell me what it is.
—Well...
115
00:06:13,965 --> 00:06:15,876
Oh, Claire, there isn't an answer.
116
00:06:16,405 --> 00:06:19,443
The Prime Minister wants me to help him
score party political points.
117
00:06:19,525 --> 00:06:21,914
Sir Humphrey wants me to be
completely impartial.
118
00:06:22,005 --> 00:06:24,121
The Prime Minister
expects me to cut corners.
119
00:06:24,205 --> 00:06:26,594
Sir Humphrey expects me
to stick to the rules.
120
00:06:26,685 --> 00:06:29,359
The Prime Minister wants to blame
everything on the bureaucracy.
121
00:06:29,445 --> 00:06:31,721
Sir Humphrey wants to put the blame
on government policy.
122
00:06:32,685 --> 00:06:35,279
I have galloping
professional schizophrenia.
123
00:06:36,805 --> 00:06:40,116
—How do you manage?
—Mostly, I say nothing to both of them.
124
00:06:40,565 --> 00:06:42,158
Very intelligently.
125
00:06:42,765 --> 00:06:44,915
I've got to be two
completely differently people,
126
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:47,394
and I'm not sure either of me
likes me any more.
127
00:06:49,285 --> 00:06:51,674
—I like you, Bernard.
-Oh, really? That's very kind of you.
128
00:06:51,765 --> 00:06:55,235
-But which one of me do you like?
—Both of you, Bernard.
129
00:06:56,805 --> 00:07:00,116
Mr Aitikeev, this is the Policy Advisor
of the Prime Minister.
130
00:07:02,045 --> 00:07:04,161
I'm Claire Sutton. Welcome.
131
00:07:04,365 --> 00:07:06,038
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
132
00:07:17,445 --> 00:07:19,914
—Prime Minister?
—Ah, there you are.
133
00:07:20,005 --> 00:07:21,916
Why are you lurking out here?
134
00:07:22,005 --> 00:07:23,803
—Where's my speech?
-Speech?
135
00:07:23,885 --> 00:07:27,276
I have to make a speech of welcome
to the Kumranistani Foreign Secretary.
136
00:07:27,365 --> 00:07:29,595
Why? Why can't you just welcome him?
137
00:07:30,565 --> 00:07:34,240
That's what I'm saying.
I want to welcome him. What do I say?
138
00:07:34,325 --> 00:07:36,396
Well, how about, um, "Welcome"?
139
00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:39,595
Fine!
140
00:07:40,525 --> 00:07:41,845
Then what?
141
00:07:41,925 --> 00:07:45,520
—Well, propose his health.
-But what do I actually say?
142
00:07:45,605 --> 00:07:47,915
Prime Minister,
I don't write your speeches, actually.
143
00:07:48,005 --> 00:07:50,474
I'm merely the Secretary to the Cabinet.
144
00:07:50,565 --> 00:07:51,714
Why don't you ask Claire?
145
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:54,001
Surely soft-soaping
foreigners is her job.
146
00:07:54,325 --> 00:07:56,441
Claire didn't know he was coming.
Neither did I.
147
00:07:56,525 --> 00:07:58,277
You kept it secret, remember?
148
00:07:58,685 --> 00:08:03,475
And now you expect me to welcome
some geezer from Central Asia,
149
00:08:03,565 --> 00:08:08,275
when the first time I heard of him, or
his country, was exactly 10 minutes ago!
150
00:08:09,725 --> 00:08:12,763
Actually, I think it's Bernard's job.
151
00:08:12,845 --> 00:08:14,916
This is government business, not party.
152
00:08:15,005 --> 00:08:17,315
Well, perhaps Bernard has
drafted something for you.
153
00:08:17,405 --> 00:08:20,079
Well, where is he? Missing in action!
154
00:08:20,165 --> 00:08:23,078
I simply can't imagine
why he's not here.
155
00:08:29,805 --> 00:08:31,637
JIM: Who's that sitting next to Claire?
156
00:08:31,725 --> 00:08:35,719
That's the Kumranistan
Foreign Secretary, Mr Aitikeev.
157
00:08:35,805 --> 00:08:38,763
I'm pleased to see
that Claire's entertaining him.
158
00:08:41,165 --> 00:08:43,042
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
159
00:08:49,885 --> 00:08:52,559
Sorry, Prime Minister, I didn't realise
you'd want to make a speech.
160
00:08:52,645 --> 00:08:54,124
I haven't had time to write one.
161
00:08:54,205 --> 00:08:57,800
Here are some notes
with some information on Kumranistan.
162
00:08:59,125 --> 00:09:02,834
—I actually have to go now.
—Why? Where are you going?
163
00:09:02,925 --> 00:09:04,438
Well, Sir Humphrey told me to...
164
00:09:07,085 --> 00:09:10,203
—To stay and hear your speech.
—Obviously.
165
00:09:12,925 --> 00:09:14,996
Prime Minister,
I think this might be the moment,
166
00:09:15,085 --> 00:09:17,759
before our guest of honour
gets the worse for wear.
167
00:09:23,725 --> 00:09:24,760
(CLINKING)
168
00:09:26,125 --> 00:09:27,160
Okay.
169
00:09:28,645 --> 00:09:29,715
Well, now...
170
00:09:31,405 --> 00:09:34,477
I haven't prepared anything
to say in welcome,
171
00:09:34,565 --> 00:09:40,481
but I very much want to welcome
our very welcome guest.
172
00:09:43,925 --> 00:09:45,040
Welcome.
173
00:09:45,885 --> 00:09:47,034
Um...
174
00:09:47,805 --> 00:09:53,323
We celebrate tonight
the long-standing friendship...
175
00:09:56,565 --> 00:10:03,039
Relationship between
our great country and yours.
176
00:10:05,485 --> 00:10:11,515
I mean, no, your great country and ours.
177
00:10:13,165 --> 00:10:17,636
Um, we first came across each other
178
00:10:17,725 --> 00:10:23,084
in the early days of the East India
Company and the Indian Empire.
179
00:10:25,205 --> 00:10:30,359
And, initially, of course,
you were all just wild tribesmen,
180
00:10:34,245 --> 00:10:40,514
who... Who we were quite
unable to tame or control.
181
00:10:41,365 --> 00:10:46,439
But, in the fullness of time,
we managed to conquer...
182
00:10:52,165 --> 00:10:55,283
Not conquer. Not conquer at all.
183
00:10:56,325 --> 00:10:57,724
Certainly not!
184
00:10:57,805 --> 00:11:01,116
No, we managed to overcome
185
00:11:01,765 --> 00:11:07,078
your magnificent and fierce
spirit of independence.
186
00:11:07,925 --> 00:11:10,314
And I'm sure you were
most grateful for that.
187
00:11:11,925 --> 00:11:15,555
But then, as part of our empire,
188
00:11:15,645 --> 00:11:20,560
on which the sun never sets,
189
00:11:22,045 --> 00:11:27,597
we built your railways
and made the trains run on time.
190
00:11:29,885 --> 00:11:32,240
I wish you could do the same for us now.
191
00:11:33,325 --> 00:11:34,395
(LAUGHING)
192
00:11:40,845 --> 00:11:43,155
Anyway, um...
193
00:11:44,525 --> 00:11:48,678
We... We went through
some rough patches.
194
00:11:48,765 --> 00:11:50,358
The massacre...
195
00:11:53,005 --> 00:11:57,158
And we were not blameless. By no means!
196
00:11:57,645 --> 00:12:00,444
But to bring us up to date, um...
197
00:12:00,525 --> 00:12:05,315
You actually had a long spell
under the Soviets,
198
00:12:05,405 --> 00:12:10,957
but now we can welcome you to that
great fellowship of democracies...
199
00:12:14,245 --> 00:12:16,395
Or at least you could make a start
200
00:12:17,485 --> 00:12:22,400
on the long journey towards
a fully democratic society.
201
00:12:23,925 --> 00:12:26,997
Or whatever society suits you best.
202
00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:31,561
So it gives me great pleasure
203
00:12:31,645 --> 00:12:35,479
to propose your health, sir,
to welcome you
204
00:12:35,565 --> 00:12:40,514
and to raise a glass in, um...
205
00:12:42,765 --> 00:12:43,800
Welcome.
206
00:12:48,445 --> 00:12:49,515
(APPLAUDING)
207
00:12:51,405 --> 00:12:53,635
Dinner went well, I thought.
208
00:12:56,165 --> 00:12:58,156
They liked my speech.
209
00:12:58,245 --> 00:13:00,395
And they really liked
the goulash and dumplings.
210
00:13:01,285 --> 00:13:03,481
Oh, they liked your speech, too.
211
00:13:03,565 --> 00:13:06,159
How did you get on
with the Kumranistani Foreign Secretary?
212
00:13:06,245 --> 00:13:08,043
—Was he friendly?
—Very.
213
00:13:08,845 --> 00:13:11,519
—No difficulty understanding him?
—No difficulty at all.
214
00:13:11,605 --> 00:13:16,042
You think, um, he's just a figurehead,
or a really hands-on minister?
215
00:13:16,125 --> 00:13:18,162
Oh, he's hands-on, all right.
216
00:13:19,325 --> 00:13:22,716
Well, once he's on board,
we'll just need a few endorsements.
217
00:13:22,805 --> 00:13:25,115
You remember the World Economic
Forum at Davos,
218
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:29,278
that really worked because
Bob Geldof came out in support of it.
219
00:13:29,365 --> 00:13:33,836
I know, we're working on that,
and Annie Lennox, and Bone.
220
00:13:33,925 --> 00:13:36,394
Bone? Oh' great!
221
00:13:36,485 --> 00:13:38,123
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
222
00:13:39,205 --> 00:13:42,436
—Hello, Bernard, enjoy dinner?
-Oh, very much, Prime Minister.
223
00:13:42,525 --> 00:13:43,720
Enjoy my speech?
224
00:13:43,805 --> 00:13:46,558
Yes, Prime Minister.
But the goulash was good.
225
00:13:48,365 --> 00:13:50,163
New cook, apparently.
226
00:13:50,245 --> 00:13:53,442
Yes, and in connection with that,
we have a situation.
227
00:13:53,525 --> 00:13:56,438
We've just discovered the cook here
is in the UK illegally.
228
00:13:57,965 --> 00:14:00,479
We have an illegal immigrant
working at Chequers?
229
00:14:00,565 --> 00:14:03,125
How? What the hell
is the Home Office doing?
230
00:14:03,205 --> 00:14:05,924
I wonder if anyone will ever solve
that perennial riddle.
231
00:14:07,685 --> 00:14:09,562
Plotting to get rid of me,
I should imagine.
232
00:14:09,645 --> 00:14:12,159
—The Home Secretary wants my job.
—They all do.
233
00:14:12,245 --> 00:14:15,237
I'll reshuffle her to the graveyard,
234
00:14:15,325 --> 00:14:18,158
the Ministry of Culture,
Media and Sports.
235
00:14:19,245 --> 00:14:21,839
You know, I've never understood
the connection between those three.
236
00:14:21,925 --> 00:14:24,883
Culture, media and sport?
None of them matter.
237
00:14:26,485 --> 00:14:27,805
What do you want me
to do about this cook?
238
00:14:27,885 --> 00:14:28,955
Where's she from?
239
00:14:29,045 --> 00:14:31,639
She wouldn't say, apparently.
But she's got a false EU passport.
240
00:14:31,725 --> 00:14:34,843
Well, couldn't we just
rush a visa through for her?
241
00:14:34,925 --> 00:14:37,280
Well, I'll try, but if you're right
about the Home Office,
242
00:14:37,365 --> 00:14:38,924
it could take months.
243
00:14:39,005 --> 00:14:41,474
—I think we'll have to let her 90.
—Right.
244
00:14:41,565 --> 00:14:43,875
We can't risk the media finding out.
245
00:14:43,965 --> 00:14:47,799
"Prime Minister
Harbours Illegal Immigrant."
246
00:14:47,885 --> 00:14:48,955
How did it come to light?
247
00:14:49,045 --> 00:14:51,241
One of the waiters
mentioned it at dinner.
248
00:14:52,205 --> 00:14:56,164
Somebody's probably
phoned the BBC already.
249
00:14:56,245 --> 00:14:57,883
(LAUGHING)
250
00:14:57,965 --> 00:14:59,239
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
251
00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:01,595
Yes?
252
00:15:02,485 --> 00:15:03,759
It's the BBC.
253
00:15:06,605 --> 00:15:07,959
Yes. Thank you.
254
00:15:08,645 --> 00:15:10,397
That was the Press Office, actually.
255
00:15:10,485 --> 00:15:11,759
BBC Television's devoting
256
00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:13,882
its Sunday morning programme
to you, Prime Minister.
257
00:15:13,965 --> 00:15:16,559
—Should I be pleased?
—I fear not.
258
00:15:16,645 --> 00:15:20,479
—It'll be called "Government in Crisis".
-Oh, Christ.
259
00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,639
They want to interview you about
the rumoured Cabinet reshuffle
260
00:15:23,725 --> 00:15:25,363
and the deadlock
in the Lancaster House summit.
261
00:15:25,445 --> 00:15:27,322
You're not going to do that, Jim.
He's not doing that.
262
00:15:27,405 --> 00:15:29,476
If I could mention the Kumranistan loan.
263
00:15:29,565 --> 00:15:30,600
You can't.
264
00:15:30,685 --> 00:15:33,325
Not until Kumranistan has definitely
signed on the dotted line,
265
00:15:33,405 --> 00:15:36,397
and not until this euro business with
the European Central Bank is sorted out.
266
00:15:36,485 --> 00:15:39,125
Phone them back, pretend to be helpful.
267
00:15:40,765 --> 00:15:42,119
Whatever they ask, just give them one of
268
00:15:42,205 --> 00:15:44,082
the replies in the red binder
by the phone.
269
00:15:44,165 --> 00:15:46,805
-Oh, I haven't seen this before.
—Supplied by the Press Office.
270
00:15:46,885 --> 00:15:49,320
At my suggestion.
I worked on it with them.
271
00:15:49,405 --> 00:15:50,520
Right.
272
00:15:54,285 --> 00:15:56,162
Yes, Robin Simpson, please.
273
00:15:57,605 --> 00:15:58,720
This is Robin Simpson.
274
00:15:59,085 --> 00:16:00,155
It's Bernard Woolley,
275
00:16:00,245 --> 00:16:02,441
the Prime Minister's
Principal Private Secretary.
276
00:16:02,845 --> 00:16:05,883
Unfortunately, the Prime Minister
can't speak to you at the moment.
277
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,275
But, uh, how can I help?
278
00:16:09,165 --> 00:16:12,556
Well, it seems he's losing the support
of his Cabinet and his backbenchers.
279
00:16:12,645 --> 00:16:13,715
Number 3.
280
00:16:15,925 --> 00:16:19,634
The Prime Minister is not interested
in Westminster tittle-tattle.
281
00:16:20,085 --> 00:16:23,476
He has the full support
of his colleagues and his party
282
00:16:23,565 --> 00:16:25,715
on all matters of substance.
283
00:16:26,165 --> 00:16:27,235
I see.
284
00:16:27,325 --> 00:16:29,123
But has the Prime Minister
thought of resigning,
285
00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:31,162
in the interest of party unity?
286
00:16:31,245 --> 00:16:33,600
Are you seriously asking me that?
287
00:16:34,125 --> 00:16:35,240
Number 4.
288
00:16:36,485 --> 00:16:41,116
The Prime Minister was elected to do
a job and he intends to get on with it.
289
00:16:41,885 --> 00:16:46,322
It will mean tough decisions,
but that's what the country expects,
290
00:16:46,405 --> 00:16:48,965
and that's what he's going to do.
291
00:16:49,045 --> 00:16:50,160
Next?
292
00:16:50,245 --> 00:16:52,202
But what about the awful state
of the economy?
293
00:16:52,285 --> 00:16:53,514
—Number 1!
—Number 1!
294
00:16:55,765 --> 00:17:00,202
This isn't a British crisis,
it's a world crisis.
295
00:17:00,805 --> 00:17:03,445
Many countries are worse affected
than we are.
296
00:17:03,525 --> 00:17:06,995
We intend to play our part
within the community.
297
00:17:07,085 --> 00:17:09,440
But what exactly is he doing about it?
298
00:17:09,525 --> 00:17:11,038
Two? Two!
299
00:17:11,125 --> 00:17:12,274
Number two.
300
00:17:14,645 --> 00:17:18,115
The government will do
everything that needs to be done.
301
00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:20,162
He will not flinch from his duty
302
00:17:20,245 --> 00:17:23,761
and a statement will be made
when the time is ripe.
303
00:17:23,845 --> 00:17:26,963
Why do you think the European
Financial Summit has got nowhere?
304
00:17:29,325 --> 00:17:30,599
I don't think that.
305
00:17:30,685 --> 00:17:31,800
—BOTH: Five.
—What?
306
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:33,922
—Five!
—Is the Prime Minister there?
307
00:17:34,005 --> 00:17:39,159
Uh, no, that's just the, uh,
TV you can hear. Sorry.
308
00:17:39,965 --> 00:17:43,117
The Prime Minister was elected
to do a job, and...
309
00:17:43,205 --> 00:17:45,037
Oh, no, I've done that one already.
310
00:17:49,845 --> 00:17:54,476
The meeting/conference
has certainly not been a failure.
311
00:17:54,565 --> 00:17:56,476
There has been
invaluable groundwork done
312
00:17:56,565 --> 00:18:00,081
and a blueprint is being drawn up
for the next phase.
313
00:18:00,165 --> 00:18:02,042
Rome wasn't built in a day.
314
00:18:03,285 --> 00:18:04,434
Oh, thank you.
315
00:18:04,525 --> 00:18:06,038
What are you thanking her for?
316
00:18:06,125 --> 00:18:08,241
She says I've been thoroughly unhelpful.
317
00:18:09,685 --> 00:18:12,996
Well done, Bernard.
Well done, both of you.
318
00:18:13,085 --> 00:18:15,315
How happy is the Prime Minister
about his future?
319
00:18:15,405 --> 00:18:18,636
He's as happy as a rat-catcher
on a rubbish dump.
320
00:18:18,725 --> 00:18:19,954
The Prime Minister is as happy
321
00:18:20,045 --> 00:18:23,163
as an environmental health officer
on a civic amenities site.
322
00:18:29,165 --> 00:18:32,203
I hate the BBC!
323
00:18:32,725 --> 00:18:34,682
It's like having two oppositions,
324
00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:37,883
one at Westminster,
and the other at Broadcasting House.
325
00:18:38,165 --> 00:18:39,360
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
326
00:18:40,125 --> 00:18:41,240
Yes?
327
00:18:41,365 --> 00:18:43,003
Ah, Miss Simpson again.
328
00:18:44,365 --> 00:18:45,480
What kind of leak?
329
00:18:46,845 --> 00:18:49,041
—About joining the euro?
—(WHISPERS) No! No!
330
00:18:49,125 --> 00:18:52,197
No, the Prime Minister
knows nothing about this.
331
00:18:52,285 --> 00:18:55,243
Britain's position on the euro
remains unchanged.
332
00:18:55,325 --> 00:18:56,759
Come on, let's get online.
333
00:18:56,845 --> 00:18:59,837
No, I can't explain the markets!
Who can?
334
00:19:00,685 --> 00:19:03,438
My Blackberry
doesn't seem to be working.
335
00:19:03,525 --> 00:19:06,404
Mine is. Oh, this is interesting.
336
00:19:06,485 --> 00:19:08,078
"The rumours about joining the euro
337
00:19:08,165 --> 00:19:12,045
"started after heavy buying of euros
by Golding Brothers Bank."
338
00:19:12,125 --> 00:19:13,354
—Funny.
—Why?
339
00:19:13,445 --> 00:19:16,198
Well, Humphrey has a directorship
lined up there when he retires.
340
00:19:16,285 --> 00:19:18,322
He's out of control!
341
00:19:18,405 --> 00:19:21,443
—It might have been somebody else.
—Who else knew?
342
00:19:21,525 --> 00:19:22,799
Even I didn't know!
343
00:19:24,805 --> 00:19:26,000
Shall I get Sir Humphrey?
344
00:19:26,085 --> 00:19:28,395
If there's been
heavy buying of the euro,
345
00:19:28,485 --> 00:19:31,603
that would explain today's
heavy selling of the pound.
346
00:19:31,685 --> 00:19:33,278
I must do something!
347
00:19:41,325 --> 00:19:42,838
I may be able to help.
348
00:19:42,925 --> 00:19:45,394
Well, I've been doing some research
into some of this.
349
00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:47,954
—We've had that paper ready for a while.
—What paper?
350
00:19:48,045 --> 00:19:49,604
"Reform of the Civil Service,
351
00:19:49,685 --> 00:19:51,005
—"Root and Branch."
—\/\/hat?
352
00:19:51,085 --> 00:19:54,396
Bernard, things are about
to change round here.
353
00:19:54,485 --> 00:19:58,399
We started to curb the MPs,
now we must deal with the Civil Service.
354
00:19:58,685 --> 00:20:01,120
Humphrey has tried
to bounce us into Europe
355
00:20:01,205 --> 00:20:03,674
and feather his nest
by briefing that bank!
356
00:20:03,765 --> 00:20:05,915
I have got to get him under control!
357
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:08,076
He's an over-mighty subject.
358
00:20:08,165 --> 00:20:10,122
Well, actually he's the Queen's subject,
not yours.
359
00:20:10,205 --> 00:20:12,958
—You're just the Prime Minister...
—Yes, I know who I am, Bernard!
360
00:20:13,165 --> 00:20:15,964
Claire, this latest outrage by Humphrey
361
00:20:16,045 --> 00:20:18,878
is just one more example
of the corruption
362
00:20:18,965 --> 00:20:20,683
of those who think
they are above the law.
363
00:20:21,885 --> 00:20:23,000
Ah.
364
00:20:23,485 --> 00:20:25,795
—Hello, Humphrey.
—We were just talking about you.
365
00:20:25,965 --> 00:20:30,801
Ah, Prime Minister, the Director General
of the BBC is here to see you.
366
00:20:31,005 --> 00:20:32,837
It's in your diary, Prime Minister.
367
00:20:32,925 --> 00:20:35,804
—What does he want?
—More money, I expect.
368
00:20:35,885 --> 00:20:37,683
Isn't that what the BBC always wants?
369
00:20:39,085 --> 00:20:41,076
Well, maybe we could manage it
370
00:20:41,165 --> 00:20:45,875
if we brought in a Civil Service
reform bill straight away.
371
00:20:48,965 --> 00:20:51,525
—What?
—Reform of the Civil Service, Humphrey,
372
00:20:51,605 --> 00:20:53,516
—Root and branch.
-What, what, what, what?
373
00:20:54,765 --> 00:20:56,517
What has this got to do with the BBC?
374
00:20:56,605 --> 00:20:59,165
Well, saving money on the Civil Service
375
00:20:59,245 --> 00:21:01,714
would release more money for the Beeb.
376
00:21:01,805 --> 00:21:03,478
Ah, well,
377
00:21:03,565 --> 00:21:05,920
I would advise against a
precipitate approach to the
378
00:21:06,005 --> 00:21:08,360
reform of the Civil Service,
Prime Minister, or the BBC,
379
00:21:08,445 --> 00:21:10,675
which is a magnificent organisation.
380
00:21:10,925 --> 00:21:14,805
It is the Rolls-Royce of broadcasting.
This all needs mature deliberation,
381
00:21:14,885 --> 00:21:18,560
—extensive consultation...
—Okay, okay, so the alternative
382
00:21:18,645 --> 00:21:22,434
is if we could really save
money on the BBC,
383
00:21:22,525 --> 00:21:26,234
then the Civil Service reform bill
wouldn't be so urgent.
384
00:21:26,325 --> 00:21:30,284
What do you think?
I know you love the BBC.
385
00:21:31,765 --> 00:21:34,917
I think it would be rather
courageous, Prime Minister.
386
00:21:35,005 --> 00:21:36,040
Would it?
387
00:21:36,725 --> 00:21:38,363
No, actually, it wouldn't.
388
00:21:38,445 --> 00:21:40,197
I'm not falling for that any more.
It would not!
389
00:21:41,005 --> 00:21:44,635
It would not be courageous,
it would merely be controversial.
390
00:21:45,205 --> 00:21:47,242
In fact,
it might even win me some votes,
391
00:21:47,325 --> 00:21:49,714
putting some cash back into
the voters' pockets.
392
00:21:50,205 --> 00:21:53,436
So, we're all agreed,
more cuts for the Beeb,
393
00:21:53,525 --> 00:21:56,438
and we put Civil Service reform
on the back burner.
394
00:21:56,525 --> 00:21:57,560
Um...
395
00:21:57,645 --> 00:22:00,398
Glad to have your loyal
support, Humphrey.
396
00:22:01,485 --> 00:22:03,123
Show the D6 in.
397
00:22:03,205 --> 00:22:05,037
(MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY)
398
00:22:07,565 --> 00:22:08,635
Jeremy, do come in.
399
00:22:08,805 --> 00:22:10,204
Ah, the Director General,
Prime Minister.
400
00:22:10,285 --> 00:22:12,117
—Jeremy!
—Jim.
401
00:22:12,205 --> 00:22:14,924
-Drinkie? I am on Scotch.
—No, fine, thanks.
402
00:22:15,045 --> 00:22:17,605
I'm afraid we're a bit rushed,
but do sit down.
403
00:22:19,005 --> 00:22:21,201
I'm glad you're here,
I would like to take the opportunity
404
00:22:21,285 --> 00:22:23,003
to talk about that TV programme.
405
00:22:23,285 --> 00:22:24,559
—What programme?
—The programme you're running
406
00:22:24,645 --> 00:22:26,875
—on Sunday rubbishing me.
-Are we?
407
00:22:26,965 --> 00:22:30,037
Oh, yes! Please let's not play games.
408
00:22:30,325 --> 00:22:32,760
Look it's not about you specifically,
409
00:22:32,845 --> 00:22:35,439
it's part of a broad, measured look
at the state of the nation.
410
00:22:35,525 --> 00:22:36,720
Rubbishing me, in fact.
411
00:22:36,805 --> 00:22:39,479
No, no. Fair, balanced, responsible.
412
00:22:40,325 --> 00:22:42,282
Humphrey, come on.
413
00:22:42,365 --> 00:22:43,400
Um, Jeremy...
414
00:22:43,485 --> 00:22:44,884
(CHUCKLES) Uh...
415
00:22:46,005 --> 00:22:49,999
Perhaps you're not aware
of the extent of this financial crisis.
416
00:22:50,085 --> 00:22:52,838
Anything that destabilises
Britain at this juncture
417
00:22:52,925 --> 00:22:54,996
would be grossly irresponsible.
418
00:22:55,085 --> 00:22:58,282
Obviously, we don't want
to "destabilise Britain," as you put it,
419
00:22:58,365 --> 00:23:00,641
but we're not the Government
Information Service, either.
420
00:23:00,925 --> 00:23:03,804
We have a duty to reflect
all shades of opinion.
421
00:23:03,885 --> 00:23:06,638
We're journalists. Our job to keep
the public fully informed.
422
00:23:06,725 --> 00:23:08,875
Why don't you postpone the programme?
423
00:23:08,965 --> 00:23:12,003
At least until after the outcome
of the Lancaster House summit is clear?
424
00:23:13,485 --> 00:23:16,921
I hope you're not putting
political pressure on the BBC.
425
00:23:17,005 --> 00:23:20,123
Political pressure! Good heavens, no!
426
00:23:21,565 --> 00:23:23,556
Oh, that would be most
improper, I'm not even political.
427
00:23:23,645 --> 00:23:25,716
Just a humble civil servant.
428
00:23:27,085 --> 00:23:31,158
And we truly value the
independence of the BBC.
429
00:23:31,245 --> 00:23:35,284
I am glad to hear it, but we can't
possibly postpone at such short notice.
430
00:23:35,365 --> 00:23:37,481
And I can't interfere with content.
431
00:23:37,565 --> 00:23:38,919
I am only the Director General.
432
00:23:39,685 --> 00:23:41,915
Oh, I see.
433
00:23:42,005 --> 00:23:44,963
Besides, the producers
would smell a rat.
434
00:23:45,045 --> 00:23:47,116
—And they'd leak it.
—Um, just to clarify,
435
00:23:47,205 --> 00:23:49,560
a rat can leak,
but you can't leak a rat.
436
00:23:49,805 --> 00:23:52,479
Thank you, Bernard, most helpful.
437
00:23:54,045 --> 00:23:57,595
So, the BBC's smug
and self-satisfied pundits
438
00:23:57,685 --> 00:24:00,438
are going ahead
with their biased and scurrilous attack
439
00:24:00,525 --> 00:24:02,038
on the democratically
elected government.
440
00:24:02,125 --> 00:24:04,514
-Got that, Bernard?
-"...democratically elected government".
441
00:24:04,605 --> 00:24:07,074
No, our team of professional
journalists are going ahead with their
442
00:24:07,165 --> 00:24:10,396
fair and balanced review
of the current political situation.
443
00:24:10,485 --> 00:24:11,759
Got that, Bernard?
444
00:24:11,845 --> 00:24:15,201
Well, let me...
Let me stop you right there because
445
00:24:15,285 --> 00:24:18,880
Humphrey's just come up
with a really interesting idea,
446
00:24:18,965 --> 00:24:21,081
—haven't you, Humphrey?
—I, um...
447
00:24:22,085 --> 00:24:25,760
He says that in these
straightened times,
448
00:24:25,845 --> 00:24:29,998
making even more cuts in expenditure
will be necessary.
449
00:24:30,645 --> 00:24:33,444
Impossible. We've already cut
to the bone, there's no more we can do.
450
00:24:33,525 --> 00:24:37,644
Humphrey says we could sell
your digital channels,
451
00:24:37,725 --> 00:24:42,322
your websites, BBC Two, Three, Four,
452
00:24:42,405 --> 00:24:44,760
Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine.
453
00:24:44,845 --> 00:24:48,122
-All the radio stations.
-Except Radio 4.
454
00:24:49,605 --> 00:24:52,677
BBC Worldwide, BBC Publications,
455
00:24:52,765 --> 00:24:55,917
—BBC Symphony...
—And the other four orchestras.
456
00:24:56,005 --> 00:24:59,600
And then we could cut the licence fee
457
00:24:59,685 --> 00:25:01,278
-by so%.
—Eight...
458
00:25:02,285 --> 00:25:04,276
That would be such a relief for you.
459
00:25:05,805 --> 00:25:06,840
Humphrey, you always said...
460
00:25:06,925 --> 00:25:09,917
No, I am... I'm a great supporter
of the BBC, it's just...
461
00:25:10,005 --> 00:25:13,361
But you were saying they were
overstretched, weren't you?
462
00:25:13,685 --> 00:25:14,834
(EXCLAIMS)
463
00:25:14,925 --> 00:25:16,040
Oh, Jeremy.
464
00:25:18,565 --> 00:25:21,284
Yeah, well, in normal circumstances,
naturally, this would be
465
00:25:21,365 --> 00:25:24,403
an entirely different ball game,
but, well... Yes.
466
00:25:24,485 --> 00:25:27,682
If the nation is under
extreme fiscal and monetary pressure,
467
00:25:27,765 --> 00:25:29,642
it could become necessary, inter alia,
468
00:25:29,725 --> 00:25:32,319
to consider measures which under
different economic conditions
469
00:25:32,405 --> 00:25:33,679
would not have been desirable.
470
00:25:33,765 --> 00:25:35,676
I couldn't have put it better myself.
471
00:25:36,245 --> 00:25:39,158
And Humphrey pointed out that only about
472
00:25:39,245 --> 00:25:44,479
35 to 45 hours a week
on the BBC is original
473
00:25:44,565 --> 00:25:46,397
and distinctive programming.
474
00:25:46,485 --> 00:25:50,001
So you could get all that onto
one channel, easily.
475
00:25:50,085 --> 00:25:52,474
That's what Humphrey's proposing.
476
00:25:53,325 --> 00:25:55,760
We'll be able to keep all of your
quality programmes
477
00:25:55,845 --> 00:25:58,758
and the World Service, of Emma.
478
00:25:58,845 --> 00:26:01,758
And all your financial problems
will be solved.
479
00:26:02,125 --> 00:26:03,274
That's a monstrous idea.
480
00:26:03,365 --> 00:26:06,118
The BBC is the great bulwark
of civilised values
481
00:26:06,205 --> 00:26:07,400
against the tide of commercialism.
482
00:26:07,485 --> 00:26:09,715
It is a beacon of world broadcasting...
483
00:26:09,805 --> 00:26:12,365
It's a beacon of repeats,
Hollywood movies,
484
00:26:12,445 --> 00:26:15,358
bought-in programmes
and bought-in sporting events!
485
00:26:15,445 --> 00:26:18,915
Most of what you show on the BBC
is no different from what people get on
486
00:26:19,005 --> 00:26:21,599
subscription channels,
commercial channels, pay—tv.
487
00:26:21,685 --> 00:26:23,358
You can't possibly compare a great
488
00:26:23,445 --> 00:26:26,164
public broadcasting service
with tacky commercial output.
489
00:26:26,245 --> 00:26:29,078
You can compare the programmes,
cookery programmes,
490
00:26:29,165 --> 00:26:31,725
makeovers, quizzes, game shows!
491
00:26:31,805 --> 00:26:32,920
It's cultural vandalism.
492
00:26:33,005 --> 00:26:34,837
—CLAIRE: Why?
-Radio 3.
493
00:26:34,925 --> 00:26:35,995
Classical music.
494
00:26:36,085 --> 00:26:38,759
It's readily available everywhere.
495
00:26:40,725 --> 00:26:45,481
And you'd be free at last
to focus on quality!
496
00:26:45,605 --> 00:26:48,484
And forget about The Apprentice,
497
00:26:48,605 --> 00:26:50,084
The Weakest Link,
498
00:26:50,285 --> 00:26:52,595
Addicted to Boob jobs!
499
00:26:54,405 --> 00:26:57,124
Help, my Dog is as Fat as Mel!
500
00:26:58,845 --> 00:27:01,963
And all that junk that so obviously
501
00:27:02,045 --> 00:27:04,400
Doesn't need to be paid for
by the taxpayer!
502
00:27:04,725 --> 00:27:05,760
It's quality entertainment.
503
00:27:06,485 --> 00:27:09,238
It's optical chewing gum!
504
00:27:09,325 --> 00:27:10,395
Humphrey!
505
00:27:10,485 --> 00:27:11,998
(STAMMERING) Well, Jeremy...
506
00:27:13,285 --> 00:27:15,561
You know,
I yield to no one in my admin...
507
00:27:15,645 --> 00:27:16,760
What... What do you say...
508
00:27:16,845 --> 00:27:18,882
At the end of the day...
Other things being equal...
509
00:27:18,965 --> 00:27:20,683
Mutatis Mutandis,
in the fullness of time...
510
00:27:20,765 --> 00:27:23,234
The Cabinet
would never back you on this.
511
00:27:23,325 --> 00:27:27,717
Actually, that is the one thing
they would definitely back me on.
512
00:27:28,125 --> 00:27:29,923
When we go on the BBC,
513
00:27:30,005 --> 00:27:34,875
your presenters just jeer and sneer
at all of us.
514
00:27:34,965 --> 00:27:36,876
Posturing opportunists
515
00:27:36,965 --> 00:27:39,400
who've never had
to take responsibility for anything!
516
00:27:39,965 --> 00:27:41,080
Anyway,
517
00:27:41,365 --> 00:27:44,005
we'll study your comments on this,
but I think,
518
00:27:44,125 --> 00:27:46,844
uh, Humphrey's basic idea
is pretty sound.
519
00:27:46,925 --> 00:27:48,359
So, I will wait to hear from you.
520
00:27:48,445 --> 00:27:49,480
You certainly will.
521
00:27:49,565 --> 00:27:51,602
Oh, incidentally,
522
00:27:52,525 --> 00:27:55,438
just to change the subject,
523
00:27:55,525 --> 00:27:58,802
if I were to give a live
524
00:27:58,885 --> 00:28:02,037
interview in the programme on Sunday,
525
00:28:02,125 --> 00:28:03,877
—from Chequers...
—Live?
526
00:28:03,965 --> 00:28:05,956
Are you quite sure, Prime Minister?
527
00:28:06,085 --> 00:28:09,316
So they can't edit what I say,
528
00:28:09,405 --> 00:28:13,717
I would feel that the BBC
was at least trying to be fair,
529
00:28:13,805 --> 00:28:17,082
especially if the interview
was the last item,
530
00:28:17,165 --> 00:28:18,917
so I could answer all the points.
531
00:28:19,965 --> 00:28:22,002
I don't see why we can't manage that.
532
00:28:22,805 --> 00:28:23,920
I'll have a word.
533
00:28:24,205 --> 00:28:25,240
Thank you for your time.
534
00:28:25,485 --> 00:28:26,839
Thank you, Prime Minister.
535
00:28:35,245 --> 00:28:36,883
He won't cancel the programme,
536
00:28:36,965 --> 00:28:39,718
but they'll give me the live interview
at the end of it.
537
00:28:39,805 --> 00:28:43,400
I really do admire your courage,
Prime Minister.
538
00:28:43,485 --> 00:28:44,555
Oh, God.
539
00:28:46,165 --> 00:28:47,883
Have I been courageous?
540
00:28:51,445 --> 00:28:53,038
Prime Minister, you are now committed
541
00:28:53,125 --> 00:28:56,356
to a live interview on the
top political programme of the week
542
00:28:56,445 --> 00:28:59,403
without any idea of how you're
going to explain away
543
00:28:59,485 --> 00:29:01,635
any of the current crises.
544
00:29:01,845 --> 00:29:02,915
What will I say?
545
00:29:04,365 --> 00:29:05,400
Goodbye.
546
00:29:07,005 --> 00:29:08,598
Are you serious?
547
00:29:08,805 --> 00:29:10,318
Yes, Prime Minister.
41945
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