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1
00:00:03,004 --> 00:00:04,269
Okay, Murray, I'm all packed.
2
00:00:06,107 --> 00:00:07,806
Packed yourself, huh?
3
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,174
Very funny.
4
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:10,976
Hey, Rome sticker!
5
00:00:11,012 --> 00:00:12,422
When did you get to Rome?
6
00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:14,123
I didn't. I went to Chicago.
7
00:00:14,147 --> 00:00:15,947
My bag went to Rome.
8
00:00:17,167 --> 00:00:19,211
I hope you and your
bag make it to Hollywood.
9
00:00:19,235 --> 00:00:20,246
It wouldn't look good
10
00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:21,931
for a movie star to
be without clothes.
11
00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:24,656
What movie star? Now,
I'm only doing a cameo role,
12
00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:26,658
a few lines... They
want authenticity,
13
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:27,993
sportswriters to
play themselves.
14
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:29,539
Dan Jenkins, the
famous sportswriter...
15
00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:30,674
he's playing himself, too, see?
16
00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:31,708
Oh, yeah.
17
00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:33,265
You forgot to pack
handkerchiefs.
18
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:35,734
No, I packed one.
19
00:00:35,770 --> 00:00:38,837
He's taking one
hanky to Hollywood.
20
00:00:38,873 --> 00:00:41,673
I'm only taking one nose.
21
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:45,455
Pack these. Oh... You
see the way he packs?
22
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:48,046
Look at that bag.
23
00:00:48,081 --> 00:00:50,193
Did you try to
fold your clothes?
24
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:51,182
Yeah.
25
00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:52,551
Hey, I forgot my ticket.
26
00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,230
Better check your room to
see if there's anything else
27
00:00:54,254 --> 00:00:55,732
you forgot before I
have to board it up.
28
00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:56,767
When Crazy Rhoda gets here,
29
00:00:56,791 --> 00:00:58,524
tell her I'll be
right back, okay?
30
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,236
He's going to Hollywood
31
00:01:00,260 --> 00:01:01,771
with Crazy Rhoda Zimmerman?
32
00:01:01,795 --> 00:01:03,629
The studio sent him two tickets,
33
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:06,265
so he's taking her as
his private secretary.
34
00:01:11,104 --> 00:01:12,815
You think you'll ever
get to Hollywood, Felix?
35
00:01:12,839 --> 00:01:15,074
Hollywood... it's the
last place I want to go.
36
00:01:15,109 --> 00:01:17,509
Land of sham, pretense.
37
00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:20,112
Plastic people.
38
00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:23,148
Yes?
39
00:01:23,184 --> 00:01:25,512
I'm Rhoda Zimmerman's sister,
40
00:01:25,536 --> 00:01:28,537
and she ain't going no
place no time with nobody.
41
00:01:28,572 --> 00:01:31,132
She's at home,
chained to the radiator.
42
00:01:32,743 --> 00:01:34,054
You want to have some fun?
43
00:01:34,078 --> 00:01:35,889
Don't count on the Zimmermans!
44
00:01:35,913 --> 00:01:37,112
Ow.
45
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:40,298
Oh, that Crazy Rhoda.
46
00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:41,644
She always does
something like this
47
00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:43,062
at the last minute,
on every trip.
48
00:01:43,086 --> 00:01:45,971
I guess you're just stuck
with an extra ticket, Oscar.
49
00:01:46,006 --> 00:01:47,250
Yeah, but I don't
want to go alone.
50
00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:48,318
I wonder who I should take.
51
00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:50,342
I'd go with you,
52
00:01:50,377 --> 00:01:53,211
but I'm a policeman,
and I can't shirk my duties.
53
00:01:53,246 --> 00:01:55,647
My place is here on
the streets of New York,
54
00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:58,149
protecting the... Who asked you?
55
00:01:58,185 --> 00:01:59,763
I'm thinking of a girl.
56
00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:01,698
Trouble is, all
the girls I think of,
57
00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:03,866
you got to give at
least an hour's notice.
58
00:02:03,890 --> 00:02:06,235
I know, maybe I'll meet
somebody nice on standby.
59
00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:07,470
Okay, you go get the car.
60
00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:09,071
Okay, okay. So long, buddy.
61
00:02:09,095 --> 00:02:10,796
Bye, Oscar.
62
00:02:13,266 --> 00:02:14,733
Have a nice trip.
63
00:02:14,768 --> 00:02:16,045
I know you'll be wonderful in...
64
00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:17,402
Oh, please take me with you.
65
00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:18,603
Please, please!
66
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:20,071
My life is so boring here.
67
00:02:20,106 --> 00:02:21,172
I'm crazy about Hollywood.
68
00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:22,641
I'm dying to meet Rona Barrett.
69
00:02:22,676 --> 00:02:25,677
Oh, please, please,
please take me with you!
70
00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:27,957
Why didn't you say
something before?
71
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,815
I have my pride.
72
00:03:05,502 --> 00:03:07,436
♪ ♪
73
00:03:32,913 --> 00:03:34,846
♪ ♪
74
00:03:39,036 --> 00:03:41,269
♪ ♪
75
00:04:12,969 --> 00:04:14,001
Doris Day.
76
00:04:14,037 --> 00:04:15,937
There's a cigarette
butt on Doris Day,
77
00:04:15,972 --> 00:04:17,456
and she doesn't even smoke.
78
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:18,957
Look... Red Buttons.
79
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:20,425
And Maurice Chevalier.
80
00:04:20,460 --> 00:04:21,971
Remember Gigi? John Barrymore.
81
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:24,529
Your favorite, John
Barrymore. John Barrymore!
82
00:04:25,632 --> 00:04:27,832
Look at that, my feet
are the same size.
83
00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:29,501
And hands.
84
00:04:29,536 --> 00:04:31,403
Oh, there's his profile.
85
00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,855
Listen, take my picture
with my face in it.
86
00:04:33,890 --> 00:04:35,735
Come on, people will think
you're a New York wino.
87
00:04:35,759 --> 00:04:36,879
Will you get up? Come on!
88
00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:40,022
Is my face in there? Yes.
89
00:04:40,046 --> 00:04:41,229
Is my nose in his nose?
90
00:04:42,349 --> 00:04:43,315
Yes.
91
00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:44,744
Is my hair in his hair? Yes!
92
00:04:44,768 --> 00:04:46,652
Good... take it.
93
00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:48,887
You've got your
hat in front of it.
94
00:04:50,240 --> 00:04:53,158
Okay, now, you get down
and I'll take your picture.
95
00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:55,794
I'm not gonna put
my face down there.
96
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,929
You're no fun on a trip.
97
00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:07,572
Maps of the stars!
Maps of the stars!
98
00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,057
Hey, we'll take two.
99
00:05:09,092 --> 00:05:10,737
Who buys these mostly?
100
00:05:10,761 --> 00:05:12,393
Burglars.
101
00:05:15,298 --> 00:05:16,497
This is Toluca Lake,
102
00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:17,999
so he's got to be around here.
103
00:05:18,035 --> 00:05:19,812
Yeah, look, it's got
Helen Twelvetrees,
104
00:05:19,836 --> 00:05:21,313
Wallace Beery...
how old is this map?
105
00:05:21,337 --> 00:05:23,516
No, no, you look
for a street called...
106
00:05:23,540 --> 00:05:24,673
Oh, why, yes...
107
00:05:24,708 --> 00:05:25,708
You never would find it.
108
00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:26,853
Look, there he is. Where?
109
00:05:26,877 --> 00:05:27,842
There he is. Where?
110
00:05:27,878 --> 00:05:29,088
There's Bob Hope. Where?
111
00:05:29,112 --> 00:05:30,389
Right there.
112
00:05:30,413 --> 00:05:31,824
Felix, what are you
doing? Excuse me.
113
00:05:31,848 --> 00:05:34,666
Mr. Hope, Mr. Hope, hi!
114
00:05:34,701 --> 00:05:36,246
We just got here from New York.
115
00:05:36,270 --> 00:05:37,402
Relatives?
116
00:05:37,437 --> 00:05:38,936
No, we're tourists.
117
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,716
Hope... hope we're
not regular tourists.
118
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:42,785
My name is Felix Unger,
this is Oscar Madison.
119
00:05:42,809 --> 00:05:44,220
I couldn't find you on the map.
120
00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:45,443
Good, good.
121
00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:47,745
You take out your own
garbage, Mr. Hope?
122
00:05:47,781 --> 00:05:49,381
Well, I usually
have it gift wrapped.
123
00:05:49,416 --> 00:05:51,115
Isn't that marvelous?
124
00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:52,828
You-you have a funny joke ready
125
00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:54,230
for every situation,
haven't you?
126
00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:56,788
I have a large
garbage file, yeah.
127
00:05:56,823 --> 00:05:59,123
Can I have a piece of
your garbage as a souvenir?
128
00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:00,603
Wouldn't you like
the main course first?
129
00:06:00,627 --> 00:06:02,760
No, just an... oh,
an orange peel.
130
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:03,839
That would just be perfect.
131
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,007
Thank you so very much.
132
00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:06,798
Crosby just squeezed those.
133
00:06:06,833 --> 00:06:07,799
Ah.
134
00:06:07,834 --> 00:06:08,844
Would you mind autographing it?
135
00:06:08,868 --> 00:06:10,046
People will never believe...
136
00:06:10,070 --> 00:06:11,481
they'll never believe
in a million years
137
00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,915
that I got this from you here.
138
00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:14,071
Isn't that wonderful?
139
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,251
They're just like
ordinary people.
140
00:06:15,275 --> 00:06:16,241
Just marvelous.
141
00:06:16,276 --> 00:06:18,409
Oh, thank you so
very, very much.
142
00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:19,655
Sorry, would you... would...
143
00:06:19,679 --> 00:06:21,024
would you mind
taking a picture with us?
144
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,358
Not at all. I don't
have my camera.
145
00:06:22,382 --> 00:06:24,149
Do you have a camera?
146
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:26,552
Next time.
147
00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:31,356
Felix, will you...
I gotta get a dog.
148
00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:33,970
Garbage! Oh, boy, oh!
149
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:36,138
But the garbage of a star.
150
00:06:36,162 --> 00:06:38,096
Wow!
151
00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:40,399
Okay, imagine: Bob Hope.
152
00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:41,400
Who's next?
153
00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:43,234
Me! I want to go
back to the hotel,
154
00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,281
where I can look at the
pretty girls around the pool.
155
00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:47,865
All right, I'll go shopping.
156
00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:58,349
Oscar?
157
00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:04,155
Have you seen so
many beautiful girls?
158
00:07:04,190 --> 00:07:06,502
You will never in a
million years guess
159
00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:08,571
whom I just saw in
the lobby of this hotel
160
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,139
standing not two
feet from me. Who?
161
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:11,812
Cuffy Crabbe.
162
00:07:12,916 --> 00:07:13,965
Who?
163
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,667
Buster Crabbe's son, Cuffy.
164
00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:16,879
He was standing right there.
165
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:18,302
I could've touched him.
166
00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:20,483
He was buying shampoo
just like a regular person's son.
167
00:07:20,507 --> 00:07:22,318
I got his autograph anyway.
168
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:24,720
Oh, Oscar, I'll never be
able to thank you enough
169
00:07:24,744 --> 00:07:25,755
for bringing me here. Oh...
170
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,657
It's the most... guess!
171
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:29,058
Guess what's going to happen
172
00:07:29,082 --> 00:07:31,494
right outside our
balcony in 30 minutes.
173
00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:33,017
Cuffy's gonna wash his hair.
174
00:07:34,104 --> 00:07:36,455
Doris Day walks her dog.
175
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:39,291
Felix, you gotta stop being
so crazy and starstruck.
176
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:41,293
Buying maps to
movie stars' homes.
177
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:43,439
I'm here on business,
remember? Ah, ah.
178
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:45,224
Gotta talk to you
about that. What?
179
00:07:45,248 --> 00:07:47,082
I also found out
180
00:07:47,117 --> 00:07:49,677
that when Dan Jenkins
was here for his cameo,
181
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,748
the studio got him a bungalow
182
00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,482
with a sauna and a bar.
183
00:07:53,506 --> 00:07:54,517
That's great for Dan, right?
184
00:07:54,541 --> 00:07:56,118
Well, of course it's great.
185
00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:57,720
You just got an ordinary room.
186
00:07:57,744 --> 00:07:59,355
Well, nice, yeah. Well, look,
187
00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:00,957
I'm sure it's only an oversight.
188
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,525
Look, I'm not a troublemaker,
189
00:08:02,549 --> 00:08:04,494
but if the studio knew
about... No, no, no, no, no.
190
00:08:04,518 --> 00:08:06,395
Don't you call the studio...
I'm very happy with what I got.
191
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:07,964
Please, Felix, will you
look at this? One little call.
192
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:10,199
I got a good view of the diving
board. These people know how to deal
193
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,367
with these things, believe
me. You don't understand.
194
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:12,969
J.B. Hoffstetter, the
head of the studio,
195
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,559
just called me, see?
196
00:08:14,594 --> 00:08:15,627
Everything is terrific.
197
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:16,895
I told him I'm very happy
198
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:18,608
with what I got. J.B.
Hoffstetter called you?
199
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:19,831
Yes, he wanted to make sure
200
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:21,950
that I had the script,
and I told him I did have it.
201
00:08:21,985 --> 00:08:23,396
Then it's official. Yeah.
202
00:08:23,420 --> 00:08:25,553
You're in flicks.
That's right, buddy.
203
00:08:25,588 --> 00:08:26,799
You're on your way.
204
00:08:26,823 --> 00:08:28,885
Let me see... when
do we go to the studio?
205
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:30,375
No, we don't go to the studio.
206
00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:32,522
Why, why? We're
going on location.
207
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:35,213
Oh, that's much better.
208
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:36,631
That's authentic, then.
209
00:08:36,666 --> 00:08:38,411
I like that, let me see
the script. Home Run Kid.
210
00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:39,645
Home Run Kid. I like
the title... isn't that good?
211
00:08:39,669 --> 00:08:40,946
Yes, yes. It's kind of nice.
212
00:08:40,970 --> 00:08:42,582
Wait-wait till you see
the part, it's terrific.
213
00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:44,683
Oh, your part. Here it is, here.
214
00:08:44,707 --> 00:08:46,819
See, I go in, and
then I say, Yeah, yeah.
215
00:08:46,843 --> 00:08:48,954
"Tell us about your
career, slugger." Yeah.
216
00:08:48,978 --> 00:08:50,578
And then... oh, there it is.
217
00:08:50,614 --> 00:08:52,880
"Thanks for the interview."
218
00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:56,913
That's it?
219
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:57,903
That's it.
220
00:08:57,938 --> 00:08:59,470
They can't treat you this way.
221
00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:00,906
You're a New York actor.
222
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:03,658
Felix, I'm a New
York sports columnist.
223
00:09:03,693 --> 00:09:05,171
I don't care how many
lines they give me.
224
00:09:05,195 --> 00:09:06,327
This whole thing is a lark.
225
00:09:06,363 --> 00:09:09,063
Oscar, baby...
226
00:09:09,098 --> 00:09:12,033
don't let these showbiz
heavies push you around.
227
00:09:12,068 --> 00:09:13,568
If you're scared,
228
00:09:13,603 --> 00:09:15,047
you're gonna be washed
up in the business.
229
00:09:15,071 --> 00:09:16,215
I'm not scared. You're not?
230
00:09:16,239 --> 00:09:17,517
No. Okay, show me your part.
231
00:09:17,541 --> 00:09:19,018
Do it for me. Oh,
come on, I don't want to.
232
00:09:19,042 --> 00:09:20,052
Do it for me, let me...
233
00:09:20,076 --> 00:09:21,154
I want to rehearse you. Okay.
234
00:09:21,178 --> 00:09:22,488
Let's see what you've got now.
235
00:09:22,512 --> 00:09:25,024
How are you gonna do
it? Okay, oh, wait, um...
236
00:09:25,048 --> 00:09:26,514
Tell us about your
career, slugger.
237
00:09:26,550 --> 00:09:28,249
No, no, wait,
wait, I'll do it better.
238
00:09:28,285 --> 00:09:32,086
Uh... Tell us about
your career, slugger.
239
00:09:32,121 --> 00:09:34,573
Tell us about your
career, slugger!
240
00:09:34,608 --> 00:09:38,777
Hey, slugger, tell us
about your career, see?
241
00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:41,529
Hey, slugger, you better
tell us about your career.
242
00:09:41,564 --> 00:09:42,763
You understand, slugger?
243
00:09:42,798 --> 00:09:45,566
They're going to
waste talent like that?
244
00:09:58,214 --> 00:09:59,580
Got any more changes?
245
00:09:59,615 --> 00:10:01,894
Yeah, the locker room
scene was kind of choppy,
246
00:10:01,918 --> 00:10:04,686
so I padded the part of
the New York sportswriter.
247
00:10:04,721 --> 00:10:06,265
I gave him another two pages.
248
00:10:06,289 --> 00:10:08,823
That's gonna mean
an extra day's shooting.
249
00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:10,202
We'll have to give
Madison more money.
250
00:10:10,226 --> 00:10:11,837
Yeah, what do you
think we should give him?
251
00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:13,360
Well...
252
00:10:14,931 --> 00:10:15,897
Yeah?
253
00:10:15,932 --> 00:10:17,932
Who?
254
00:10:17,967 --> 00:10:19,184
Felix Unger?
255
00:10:21,104 --> 00:10:22,503
I don't know any Felix Unger.
256
00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:24,038
What does he do?
257
00:10:24,074 --> 00:10:26,625
Oh, Oscar Madison's agent.
258
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,410
Good.
259
00:10:28,445 --> 00:10:30,322
We'll settle this
matter right now.
260
00:10:30,346 --> 00:10:31,963
Send him in, Pam.
261
00:10:31,998 --> 00:10:34,299
Madison's got an agent?
262
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:35,845
It's not funny.
263
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:38,637
I know! He's gonna
want $1,000 more.
264
00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:40,488
I'll try to get him for $500.
265
00:10:45,762 --> 00:10:48,096
Hi.
266
00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:50,715
J.B.
267
00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:59,573
J.B... my client is not happy.
268
00:11:01,144 --> 00:11:04,044
Now, person to
person, man to man,
269
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,547
agent to mogul, can't...
270
00:11:14,157 --> 00:11:15,889
O.M.?
271
00:11:17,994 --> 00:11:19,511
Oscar!
272
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:20,512
Yeah?
273
00:11:20,547 --> 00:11:21,657
Hey, that you, buddy? Ah.
274
00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:26,662
How you doing?
275
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:28,185
Fine, what were you doing?
276
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,186
Sunbathing.
277
00:11:29,222 --> 00:11:30,316
Oh. That's my sunsuit.
278
00:11:30,340 --> 00:11:31,872
Yeah, yeah.
279
00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:34,375
Well, how's my favorite client?
280
00:11:37,314 --> 00:11:38,480
Favorite what?
281
00:11:38,515 --> 00:11:40,314
Felix, don't tell me
282
00:11:40,350 --> 00:11:41,727
that after what I said to you,
283
00:11:41,751 --> 00:11:43,329
you had the nerve,
the audacity, to go
284
00:11:43,353 --> 00:11:45,364
down to that studio
and embarrass me.
285
00:11:45,388 --> 00:11:47,032
Don't tell me that
you went down and...
286
00:11:47,056 --> 00:11:48,690
What did you do?
287
00:11:48,725 --> 00:11:51,543
You got me two extra
pages of dialogue?
288
00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:53,344
Not only that,
289
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:56,113
I conned them into
giving you more money.
290
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:58,482
I got another $50 out of them.
291
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:16,433
It's a nice stadium
for a little place, huh?
292
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,002
It's a stadium.
293
00:12:18,037 --> 00:12:19,503
Wow, I'm still stiff,
you know that?
294
00:12:19,538 --> 00:12:21,005
Of course you're stiff.
295
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:25,109
80 miles down here in a hot bus.
296
00:12:25,145 --> 00:12:27,311
Pahrump, Nevada.
297
00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:32,049
Lizard capital of the world.
298
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,996
Downtown is a fruit stand.
299
00:12:34,020 --> 00:12:35,787
Felix, this is the
location they wanted.
300
00:12:35,822 --> 00:12:37,432
They're gonna shoot
here, let's not gripe.
301
00:12:37,456 --> 00:12:39,290
When Dan Jenkins
went on his location,
302
00:12:39,325 --> 00:12:41,458
the studio sent him in an
air-conditioned limousine.
303
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,305
They did? You're
darn right they did.
304
00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:44,295
Are you sure?
305
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:45,562
Of course, I'm sure.
306
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,014
It's just plain unfair.
307
00:12:47,049 --> 00:12:48,778
Oh, cut it out.
Look, all right, Felix,
308
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,897
you got me some extra money,
you got me a few extra lines.
309
00:12:50,921 --> 00:12:52,081
Let's not press our luck.
310
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,882
I just don't... I'm
happy with what...
311
00:12:53,906 --> 00:12:55,806
Okay, everyone, we shoot
this sequence tomorrow.
312
00:12:55,842 --> 00:12:57,042
Let's get the rehearsal going.
313
00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:58,709
Have you got the
sportswriter scene?
314
00:12:58,744 --> 00:12:59,978
Here you are, Mr. Lennox.
315
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,912
Oh, yeah, Madison. Madison?!
316
00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:02,913
Yeah, here.
317
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,716
Ah! Right here.
318
00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:07,018
Are you Madison?
319
00:13:07,053 --> 00:13:08,130
No. I'm Felix Unger.
320
00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:09,720
I'm Oscar Madison's agent.
321
00:13:09,755 --> 00:13:12,101
I'm Oscar Madison. How are you?
322
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,624
You look like a sportswriter.
323
00:13:13,659 --> 00:13:14,625
Thank you.
324
00:13:14,660 --> 00:13:17,061
Griff? I want you
to meet our star.
325
00:13:17,097 --> 00:13:18,097
Yes?
326
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,331
Griff Lockwood, this
is Oscar Madison.
327
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:23,267
He's the one who
does the interview.
328
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,402
Very nice to meet you.
329
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:26,370
Nice to meet you, Oscar.
330
00:13:26,405 --> 00:13:27,972
I'm a big fan of yours.
331
00:13:28,007 --> 00:13:30,908
And I'm a big fan of yours!
332
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:32,676
Griff Lockwood!
333
00:13:32,712 --> 00:13:33,961
Oh, boy!
334
00:13:33,996 --> 00:13:37,865
I saw you in Hotel Romp.
335
00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:40,218
That's the one he made
with Rhonda Bisque.
336
00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:42,180
Tell me, when you
were shooting that,
337
00:13:42,204 --> 00:13:45,640
was there something
between you and Rhonda, huh?
338
00:13:45,675 --> 00:13:47,319
Are you in the picture?
339
00:13:47,343 --> 00:13:48,787
No. Good.
340
00:13:48,811 --> 00:13:49,955
Call when you're ready.
341
00:13:49,979 --> 00:13:51,312
Griff, Griff.
342
00:13:51,347 --> 00:13:52,458
You're a married man...
343
00:13:52,482 --> 00:13:53,547
Felix, It's bad enough
344
00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:55,483
you read every gossip
column in the world,
345
00:13:55,518 --> 00:13:56,984
do you have to believe 'em?
346
00:13:57,019 --> 00:13:58,280
Where there's
smoke, there's fire.
347
00:13:58,304 --> 00:14:00,555
So suppose he had a little
thing going with Rhonda?
348
00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:02,056
Will you forget it?
349
00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:04,993
Sure, we can forget it, but can
his wife, lovely Helen Lockwood
350
00:14:05,028 --> 00:14:07,006
driven to drink by the
uncaring extramarital antics
351
00:14:07,030 --> 00:14:08,340
of Hollywood's most famous star?
352
00:14:08,364 --> 00:14:09,597
Will you cut it out?!
353
00:14:09,633 --> 00:14:10,810
That was Rona's biggest scoop!
354
00:14:10,834 --> 00:14:12,417
Okay, let's go over the lines.
355
00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:14,101
Get Griff's stand-in.
356
00:14:14,136 --> 00:14:15,102
Get Griff's stand-in.
357
00:14:15,137 --> 00:14:16,270
Now, Oscar...
358
00:14:16,306 --> 00:14:17,856
Excuse me just a moment, Oscar.
359
00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:19,090
Talk to you a minute?
360
00:14:20,426 --> 00:14:22,693
Look, if you're going
to use Griff's stand-in,
361
00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:24,540
don't you think you
ought to use Oscar's?
362
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:26,797
He doesn't have a stand-in.
363
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:27,833
Ally.
364
00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:30,101
Doesn't have a stand-in?
365
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:33,238
What time does Mr. Madison
have to be at work tomorrow?
366
00:14:33,273 --> 00:14:35,373
Six o'clock.
367
00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:37,108
In the morning?
368
00:14:37,143 --> 00:14:38,710
Yes.
369
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:43,681
I don't like that.
370
00:14:43,717 --> 00:14:46,016
No, no, I don't like that.
371
00:14:46,052 --> 00:14:48,786
Look, I'm perfectly willing to
work these things out reasonably
372
00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,799
with you people, but
don't push Oscar Madison.
373
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:51,834
The man's a lunatic.
374
00:14:51,858 --> 00:14:53,657
One word and he goes like that.
375
00:14:53,693 --> 00:14:54,792
He's a walking volcano.
376
00:14:54,828 --> 00:14:56,360
The man slapped Fellini.
377
00:14:56,395 --> 00:14:57,695
What can I tell you?
378
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,198
He slapped Fellini.
379
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:03,634
Well, Mr. Unger, I
think I understand.
380
00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:05,603
I knew I could talk to you.
381
00:15:05,638 --> 00:15:07,382
Just let me make
one telephone call.
382
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:08,817
Take care of the whole thing.
383
00:15:08,841 --> 00:15:09,807
Good.
384
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:11,053
While you're at it,
385
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:13,555
it might be a good
idea to get him a trailer.
386
00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:14,689
I think he'd like that.
387
00:15:14,713 --> 00:15:15,663
A trailer. Yeah.
388
00:15:15,698 --> 00:15:16,826
Something nice and classy.
389
00:15:16,850 --> 00:15:18,082
Something nice and classy.
390
00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:20,562
Also a golf cart to take
him to take him to and fro.
391
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,064
I think that would
be the right thing.
392
00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,733
A golf cart. Yeah.
393
00:15:23,757 --> 00:15:25,400
Susan, get me that
sportswriter from Chicago.
394
00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:27,491
I'm firing Madison.
395
00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,629
You tell him.
396
00:15:34,250 --> 00:15:35,232
Felix, look,
397
00:15:35,268 --> 00:15:37,012
this is what they
want me to wear.
398
00:15:37,036 --> 00:15:38,814
How's it look? Tell
me what you think.
399
00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:40,938
What's the matter?
400
00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:45,176
Felix, tell me what's
the matter... what is it?
401
00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:46,177
You're fired.
402
00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:49,413
Fired? Why am I fired?
403
00:15:49,448 --> 00:15:51,548
Oscar, you don't know this town.
404
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:52,549
Pahrump?
405
00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:54,134
Hollywood! The whole business.
406
00:15:54,169 --> 00:15:55,869
I asked for a stand-in for you.
407
00:15:55,905 --> 00:15:57,304
I asked for a dressing room.
408
00:15:57,340 --> 00:16:00,074
I suggested you don't have to
get up so early in the morning.
409
00:16:00,109 --> 00:16:01,320
I didn't care
about those things!
410
00:16:01,344 --> 00:16:03,127
Now you tell me!
411
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,447
I hope you get
bitten by a lizard!
412
00:16:15,424 --> 00:16:19,360
Oh, the joke's really
on that studio, isn't it?
413
00:16:19,395 --> 00:16:22,096
They bring us all the
way out here to California,
414
00:16:22,132 --> 00:16:24,165
all expenses paid,
415
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,634
and then they don't
use us in the picture.
416
00:16:31,641 --> 00:16:34,275
There'll be other opportunities.
417
00:16:34,310 --> 00:16:36,310
Why should we have regrets?
418
00:16:36,345 --> 00:16:39,013
Look at the swell
new clothes I got.
419
00:16:39,048 --> 00:16:41,515
I saw Doris Day's dog.
420
00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:45,719
What would you be
doing in New York now?
421
00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:48,489
Unchaining Crazy
Rhoda Zimmerman.
422
00:16:50,627 --> 00:16:55,880
Look, I-I sense that you're
a little down about this.
423
00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:58,098
I can understand that.
424
00:16:58,134 --> 00:17:00,496
You're the kind of fellow
who's easily depressed,
425
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,364
but don't let things bother you.
426
00:17:02,388 --> 00:17:05,389
Bounce back.
Shrug them off. I do.
427
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:07,052
Come on. Let's see a smile.
428
00:17:07,076 --> 00:17:10,528
A grin? A smirk?
429
00:17:12,348 --> 00:17:17,151
Okay...
430
00:17:17,186 --> 00:17:19,854
Desperate times call
for desperate measures.
431
00:17:19,889 --> 00:17:25,660
It's time I go down to that
studio and force their hand.
432
00:17:25,695 --> 00:17:29,463
When I get through with
them, you're not only going
433
00:17:29,498 --> 00:17:30,898
to have your part back,
434
00:17:30,933 --> 00:17:33,178
but you're going to
have another raise.
435
00:17:33,202 --> 00:17:35,469
Fair enough?
436
00:17:35,504 --> 00:17:37,638
Shake.
437
00:17:39,676 --> 00:17:41,274
You got a deal.
438
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:02,095
What am I gonna do?
439
00:18:02,131 --> 00:18:05,298
The sportswriter from Chicago
was so glad he got the part,
440
00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:08,936
he dropped dead.
441
00:18:08,971 --> 00:18:11,872
I gotta have Madison back.
442
00:18:11,908 --> 00:18:13,741
I got no choice.
443
00:18:15,377 --> 00:18:18,012
Pam, send in Unger.
444
00:18:27,006 --> 00:18:29,418
Now, listen to me,
J.B., and listen good...
445
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:32,343
Okay, Madison's
back in the picture.
446
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,789
Do you mind if I give you
some constructive criticism, J.B.?
447
00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:49,059
You need more backbone.
448
00:18:49,094 --> 00:18:52,279
You're a... you're pretty
much of a marshmallow, fella.
449
00:18:55,184 --> 00:18:57,262
You let me roll
all over you there.
450
00:18:57,286 --> 00:19:00,137
I can tell you now I
was ready to squirm.
451
00:19:00,172 --> 00:19:02,673
Five more minutes and you'd
have had me on my knees.
452
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:06,009
You gotta toughen up, guy,
or people'll walk all over you.
453
00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:07,361
Will you get outta here?!
454
00:19:08,848 --> 00:19:11,983
That's good. That's good.
455
00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:13,384
Keep it up.
456
00:19:16,622 --> 00:19:17,921
Okay, here we go, fella.
457
00:19:17,956 --> 00:19:19,168
Show 'em how it's done.
458
00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:20,302
Places everybody.
459
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:21,292
Break a leg.
460
00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:22,526
I will.
461
00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:24,728
Griff, good luck in the scene.
462
00:19:24,763 --> 00:19:26,530
Homewrecker.
463
00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:30,000
Do you mind if I have my chair?
464
00:19:30,035 --> 00:19:32,147
Now, listen, Griff, if I do anything
wrong, please let me know, okay?
465
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:33,715
Because this is all new to me.
466
00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:34,867
Oscar, you're gonna
be sensational.
467
00:19:34,891 --> 00:19:36,357
We're ready for the mayor.
468
00:19:36,392 --> 00:19:37,558
Your Honor?
469
00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:38,559
The Mayor?
470
00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:40,527
Yeah, the Mayor of Pahrump.
471
00:19:40,563 --> 00:19:43,042
He wouldn't give
us a shooting permit,
472
00:19:43,066 --> 00:19:46,167
so I let him join the crew.
473
00:19:46,202 --> 00:19:47,868
Your Honor?
474
00:19:47,903 --> 00:19:49,183
Roll camera.
475
00:19:54,944 --> 00:19:57,111
Mark it.
476
00:20:01,884 --> 00:20:04,735
And... action.
477
00:20:04,771 --> 00:20:06,698
Tell us about your
career, Slugger.
478
00:20:06,722 --> 00:20:08,389
Now, Oscar, don't
rush your lines.
479
00:20:08,424 --> 00:20:10,491
Take your time. Start
from the beginning.
480
00:20:10,526 --> 00:20:12,203
We're still rolling.
Don't be nervous.
481
00:20:12,227 --> 00:20:13,761
Don't be nervous. Take it easy.
482
00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:15,874
Tell us about
your career, Felix.
483
00:20:15,898 --> 00:20:16,942
See? It's your fault.
484
00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,782
From the beginning.
Just start over.
485
00:20:18,817 --> 00:20:20,067
Start over.
486
00:20:20,102 --> 00:20:21,446
Tell us about your
career, Slugger.
487
00:20:21,470 --> 00:20:24,471
Well, it all started
when I... Ow!
488
00:20:24,506 --> 00:20:27,152
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to step on his toe.
489
00:20:27,176 --> 00:20:28,770
I stepped on it. I'm sorry.
490
00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:29,760
He tripped you!
491
00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:30,761
I'm all right, Oscar.
492
00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:31,873
It's an old trick.
493
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:34,457
Arthur Treacher did
that to Shirley Temple.
494
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,929
Still rolling. Gentlemen,
if we can, from the top.
495
00:20:36,953 --> 00:20:37,918
We're still rolling.
496
00:20:37,953 --> 00:20:39,764
Tell us about your
career, Slugger.
497
00:20:39,788 --> 00:20:41,989
Well, it all started
when I tried out
498
00:20:42,025 --> 00:20:43,218
for the minor league team
499
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,609
the Fort Worth Blues.
500
00:20:45,645 --> 00:20:47,077
How old were you then?
501
00:20:47,113 --> 00:20:48,613
I was 17.
502
00:20:48,648 --> 00:20:50,214
Uh-huh. And how old are you now?
503
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:51,360
Twenty-two.
504
00:20:52,384 --> 00:20:53,750
Shh!
505
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:56,903
Well, I was very green then,
but I finally made the team.
506
00:20:56,939 --> 00:20:57,904
Uh-huh.
507
00:20:57,940 --> 00:20:58,983
I made the team, yeah.
508
00:20:59,007 --> 00:21:00,607
It must have been
quite a struggle.
509
00:21:00,643 --> 00:21:02,788
Oh, it was. It was
a real struggle.
510
00:21:02,812 --> 00:21:05,056
Hand me my shirt, will
you please, Oscar? Ooh!
511
00:21:14,423 --> 00:21:16,340
Cut! Print it!
512
00:21:16,375 --> 00:21:18,142
Wardrobe!
513
00:21:20,379 --> 00:21:22,046
Congratulations.
514
00:21:22,081 --> 00:21:24,681
Are you crazy? I
blew it. I was terrible.
515
00:21:24,716 --> 00:21:26,183
That was great.
You were marvelous.
516
00:21:26,218 --> 00:21:28,718
You saved that scene.
The scene needed a laugh.
517
00:21:28,754 --> 00:21:30,220
You added three big screamos!
518
00:21:30,256 --> 00:21:32,489
Are you out of your
mind? You go rest, baby.
519
00:21:32,524 --> 00:21:35,159
You loosen up and rest. I
have to talk to the biggies.
520
00:21:35,194 --> 00:21:37,172
What're we gonna do?
J.B., This is impossible.
521
00:21:37,196 --> 00:21:39,496
Oh no, no, no. He'll
get the hang of it.
522
00:21:39,531 --> 00:21:40,608
Can't you get somebody else?
523
00:21:40,632 --> 00:21:42,333
No, don't do that. Please, J.B..
524
00:21:42,368 --> 00:21:44,579
I don't want to postpone the
scene. We're all set up here.
525
00:21:44,603 --> 00:21:46,448
You replace him, it
has to be here and now.
526
00:21:46,472 --> 00:21:47,871
No, don't, please, I beg of you.
527
00:21:47,906 --> 00:21:49,406
He'll get good.
528
00:21:49,442 --> 00:21:52,587
We've got an hour to get
another actor up here from L.A.
529
00:21:52,611 --> 00:21:56,391
Gee, I wish we had somebody here
who could step in, who knew the lines.
530
00:21:56,415 --> 00:21:58,182
I do.
531
00:21:58,217 --> 00:21:59,183
What?
532
00:21:59,218 --> 00:22:00,568
I know all the lines.
533
00:22:00,603 --> 00:22:01,535
You can try it.
534
00:22:01,571 --> 00:22:02,536
Thanks.
535
00:22:02,572 --> 00:22:03,537
Try it.
536
00:22:03,573 --> 00:22:05,539
Oscar? Oscar.
537
00:22:05,575 --> 00:22:07,240
Yeah? Yeah?
538
00:22:07,276 --> 00:22:10,978
Baby... you're out of the flick.
539
00:22:11,013 --> 00:22:12,746
What happened?
540
00:22:12,781 --> 00:22:14,248
They're going for a younger man.
541
00:22:16,235 --> 00:22:19,853
I fought like a banshee for you,
but they wouldn't listen to me.
542
00:22:19,888 --> 00:22:21,521
Who'd they get to replace me?
543
00:22:21,556 --> 00:22:24,208
Give me your hat and
your pad and wish me luck.
544
00:22:31,517 --> 00:22:32,716
Action.
545
00:22:34,887 --> 00:22:36,953
Tell me about your
career, Slugger.
546
00:22:36,989 --> 00:22:40,357
Well, it all started when
I tried out for this team.
547
00:22:40,393 --> 00:22:42,705
The minor league team...
The Fort Worth Blues.
548
00:22:42,729 --> 00:22:44,022
Fort Worth. Yes.
549
00:22:44,046 --> 00:22:45,946
That's in Texas.
550
00:22:45,982 --> 00:22:50,300
Hot wind, blazing sun.
551
00:22:50,335 --> 00:22:53,504
How old were you then?
552
00:22:53,539 --> 00:22:55,005
I was 17.
553
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,874
A boy in a man's game.
554
00:22:56,909 --> 00:22:58,909
How old are you now?
555
00:22:58,944 --> 00:23:00,611
Why, 22.
556
00:23:03,181 --> 00:23:05,260
It was a tough struggle.
557
00:23:05,284 --> 00:23:07,000
I was green, but
I finally made it.
558
00:23:07,036 --> 00:23:08,101
It was a struggle, yes.
559
00:23:08,137 --> 00:23:10,015
You grew up in
a grimy little cabin
560
00:23:10,039 --> 00:23:12,723
in the middle of the
Texas panhandle.
561
00:23:14,159 --> 00:23:15,693
No heat, no food!
562
00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:18,478
For breakfast you had to
suck on a piece of cactus!
563
00:23:18,514 --> 00:23:20,425
Hey...!
564
00:23:20,449 --> 00:23:22,248
You never had
a toy to play with.
565
00:23:22,284 --> 00:23:24,785
You never had a pair of
brown-and-white shoes.
566
00:23:24,820 --> 00:23:26,336
You never even
took violin lessons.
567
00:23:26,371 --> 00:23:30,357
But you knew that you
wanted to play baseball.
568
00:23:30,393 --> 00:23:32,153
You couldn't afford
any equipment!
569
00:23:32,177 --> 00:23:35,646
So you made a catcher's mitt
out of a satin pillow reading:
570
00:23:35,681 --> 00:23:38,281
"Greetings from
Yellowstone Park!"
571
00:23:40,653 --> 00:23:43,854
You couldn't afford a bat,
so you used your little brother.
572
00:23:46,859 --> 00:23:49,760
The other kids wouldn't
play with that brave little lad
573
00:23:49,796 --> 00:23:52,712
with the weird mitt
and the talking bat.
574
00:23:56,284 --> 00:23:59,119
Twenty-two!
575
00:23:59,155 --> 00:24:01,755
Cut!
576
00:24:01,791 --> 00:24:02,791
Unger, you're out!
577
00:24:04,160 --> 00:24:06,560
No!
578
00:24:06,596 --> 00:24:12,182
Felix, that was the worst acting
I've ever seen in my entire life
579
00:24:12,217 --> 00:24:14,012
and I appreciate
it. But it worked!
580
00:24:14,036 --> 00:24:15,780
I told you Unger had a plan.
581
00:24:15,804 --> 00:24:18,000
I killed the hour. Now
they've gotta use you.
582
00:24:18,024 --> 00:24:19,117
You know, I can't
figure you out.
583
00:24:19,141 --> 00:24:21,041
One minute you're
driving me up the wall
584
00:24:21,076 --> 00:24:23,977
the next minute you do a
crazy, beautiful thing like this.
585
00:24:24,013 --> 00:24:25,712
You're a worse pip
than Crazy Rhoda.
586
00:24:25,747 --> 00:24:28,499
Well, don't spread it
around that I'm a nice guy.
587
00:24:28,534 --> 00:24:30,863
It'll kill me in the business.
588
00:24:30,887 --> 00:24:33,120
All right, Unger,
get out of the way.
589
00:24:33,155 --> 00:24:35,167
There you go,
baby, it's all yours.
590
00:24:35,191 --> 00:24:36,690
Take over.
591
00:24:36,725 --> 00:24:37,691
Madison... Yeah?
592
00:24:37,726 --> 00:24:39,126
Out of the way, please.
593
00:24:39,161 --> 00:24:41,212
Why? Who's going
to play the reporter?
594
00:24:41,247 --> 00:24:42,796
None of your business!
595
00:24:42,831 --> 00:24:44,831
Speed. Mark.
596
00:24:46,201 --> 00:24:48,535
Action.
597
00:24:49,605 --> 00:24:51,655
Tell us about your
career, uh, son.
598
00:25:02,434 --> 00:25:04,546
Oscar?
599
00:25:04,570 --> 00:25:05,803
Yeah.
600
00:25:05,838 --> 00:25:09,973
Hey, I just had a nap,
and I had that dream again.
601
00:25:10,009 --> 00:25:14,044
I dreamed the movie came out
and you were such a smash in it,
602
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,980
they put your handprints
in Grauman's Chinese.
603
00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:18,982
Felix, I never got in
the picture, remember?
604
00:25:19,018 --> 00:25:21,096
I know, I know, but I won't rest
605
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:23,680
until I see your handprints.
606
00:25:25,891 --> 00:25:27,124
Rest.
39438
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