All language subtitles for Heaven Help Us (1985)

Is this the first note? Ready?

Blessed be God.

Blessed be His Holy name.

Blessed be Jesus Christ,
true God and true man.

Blessed be the name of Jesus.

Blessed be His most sacred heart.

Blessed be Jesus in the most
holy sacrament of the altar.

Blessed be the Great Mother of God,
Mary most holy.

Blessed be her holy and
Immaculate conception.

Blessed be her glorious assumption

Blessed be the name of Mary,
virgin and mother.

Blessed be St. Joseph
her most chaste spouse.

Blessed be God in his
angels and in his saints.

On your feet.

- Mr. Dunn, is that correct?
- Yes, sir.

Say : "Yes, brother Thadeus", Mr. Dunn.

Yes, brother Thadeus.

You went to St Mary's up in
Boston, correct? - Yes, sir.

Yes, brother Thadeus.

Oh, I am glad you're amused Mr. Dunn.
It isn't often my students find me so.

You have served in the altar up at St. Mary's.

Fine. You will continue to do so here.

We still do the Latin mass,
brush up on your Latin.

- Yes, brother Thadeus.
- Don't interrupt, Mr. Dunn.

Speak when directly addressed
or questioned, understood?

Yes, sir.

Yes, brother Thadeus.

Now, I want you to tell me, in your own
words,

what you expect to gain from your
experiences here at St Basil.

To learn?

I asked for a statement,
not a question, Mr. Dunn.

To try and do my best.

No, you must to do better than try.
You must succeed, Mr. Dunn.

- Yes, sir.
- Yes, brother Thadeus.

- Yes, brother Thadeus.
- Yes what, Mr. Dunn?

Yes, I...

I don't know, brother Thadeus.

Yes, I'll will succeed, brother Thadeus.

Yes, I'll will succeed, brother Thadeus.

Good.

I wanted to talk to you about
sister St. Luke.

- She's been up at St. Mary's for a long time...
- Brother Thadeus...

Don't interrupt, Mr. Dunn.
And don't do that.

Sister St. Luke and I go back
a long way.

- You know Sister St. Luke, Mr. Dunn? -
- Yes.

- Yes, brother Thadeus.
- Yes, brother Thadeus.

How is sister St. Luke, Mr. Dunn?

She's dead, brother Thadeus.

You may go, Mr. Dunn.

Next time I see you, you will be
dressed according to the school code.

Mr. Dunn?

You forgot to say thank you.

- Thank You.
- Brother Thadeus.

Brother Thadeus.

You're not really going to keep those,
are you brother?

You want them back Rooney,
you gotta win 'em back.

But, brother, you got my
Mickey Mantle.

Do I? All Right, the Mick! Thank you.

Excuse me, brother.

Brother Thadeus wants to know when
you intend to call the boys to order.

Already? Sorry.

- You new? - Yes.

I'm supposed to go in this room, here.

Right. This is on the first floor

at the end of the hall,
on the left, I think.

I don't know. I'm new here too.

- Follow them. - Thanks.

Yesterday's assignment covered
the chapter on the Holy Trinity.

If you'll kindly take out your papers, please.

I didn't asked anyone speak Mr. Rooney,
but since you're in the mood

perhaps you would care to recite
from your paper.

"The Holy Trinity is

a total mystery,
therefore it cannot be understood".

Brilliant, but I wanted a definition
that's in the book.

Alright, the book...

"The Holy Trinity is, was, and always
will be a total mystery

that can't, never could and
never will be understood".

Mr. Rooney, do you have some sort of
an emotional attachment to this school?

No, brother.

Well then why, in your
second year in this grade

are you laying the groundwork for a third?

Remain standing, please.

How about the new boy?

- Mr. um... - Dunn.

Mr. Dunn.

Can you enlighten Mr. Rooney?

No, brother, I can't.

Very well, but they'll be
no excuses tomorrow.

Alright, Caesar.

Brother, before I read my definition,
I'd like to preface...

What are you chewing?

Gum, brother.

Stick it on the end of your nose, please.

And you will leave it there
for the remainder of the day.

- Yes, brother. May I...
- Sit down.

Alright Mr. Rooney, come up here and
bring that piece of paper with you.

Your homework seems to have
disappeared, mister.

I realize that this was a religion assignment,

but I hardly expected you to
perform a miracle.

Is that possible Mr. Rooney? Is it
possible that a miracle has actually occurred?

Or is it more likely that you were
trying to deceive me?

- No, brother...
- Well then, what's the explanation?

- Well...
- You were trying to deceive me, weren't you?

- No, brother.
- The truth mister.

- You trying to deceive me, weren't you?
- Yes, brother.

And you're sorry, aren't you?

- Yes brother
- Well then say it. Say I'm sorry brother.

I'm sorry, brother.

I'm sorry, brother.

Eat up mister.

Welcome to St Basil's.

You're holding up the line, young man.

Can't decide?

Oh I decided alright, Dunn.

Decided I'd rather die than eat this crap.

Looks kind of crowded.
Mind if I sit with you?

Sure. You'll find plenty of seats around me.

Oh yeah? Why?

It has something to do with my I.Q. Dunn

You see, when one is in the presence of a
superior being,

one naturally feels inferior.

Hey, Caesar, you fat faggot,

you always wear gum on your nose?

I take a certain pride in the fact

that I've never let my intercourse with the faculty

degenerate into any physical violence.

Which is no mean feat when you consider

that the mentality around here is
inspired by the Spanish Inquisition.

Thanks, Dunn.

And then for insurance, I carry a note.

What note?

From my uncle. He's a doctor.

The note says I'm subject to seizures.

It's a crock of course, but it keeps me from
having my character built.

- What's up? - It's Williams.

Probably got caught playing with himself again.

Maybe your uncle could write me a note.

I'll write you one

when I get out of Harvard Med school.

You mean you're not going to be a priest?

Psychiatrist.

I wouldn't save that for later Dunn,
it might start walking.

This historic visit will mark the
first time

the head of the Roman Catholic Church
has come to the United States.

The Vatican further announced today the
preparations are being made for

the Holy Father.
- Oh my God.

The Italians are coming. Now I know
it's the end of the world.

You shouldn't talk like that. That's the
Pope you're talking about there.

It may be the Pope, but he's Italian to me.

Boo, stop playing with my flowers.

I'm not playing with them,
I'm gathering them.

She's gotta grow out of this...

Don't worry, she'll grow out of it.

Put the flowers back, Boo.

So Michael, how's school?

It's alright, I guess.

Well the brothers know their business.

You just do what they tell you and they'll
turn you into a man.

- Better, a priest.
- Martha.

And won't your parents be smiling down
from heaven the day you become a priest.

- Martha, pass the cabbage.
- Father Dunn.

- The cabbage, Martha.
- Bishop Dunn.

Boo, tell your grandma to pass the cabbage.

Pass the cabbage grandma.

Pope Michael the first.

Come On, Boo. Off the bed.

I died, Michael.

Yeah? Well, go die in your own bed. I'm tired.

Give me the last rites.

- I'm not a priest.
- I'll wait till you are.

Well, you might wait a lot longer than you think.

Where'd you get this?

Stole it from grandma.

She catches you smoking,
she'll have a heart attack.

She hears you talking about not
being a priest, she'll have a stroke.

Michael, study your Latin.

Studying grandma.

- Ready? - Ready.

If I looked like you,

I'd shave my ass and walk backwards.

Janine! Hey Janine!

Oh boy, she's after me you know.

I made 30 cupcakes, chocolate
and vanilla icing.

- Those are my...
- Hey Janine.

If you go to the Lowe's next Saturday night,

why don't you come up to last row balcony.

- What for?
- I'll show you what for when you get there.

"What for"?

And after that, he we'll have to go to
confession, right?

I hope so.

Besides, you know the penance is

for getting felt up in Lowe's last row balcony
is, don't you?

A rosary. Shit, I can say a Goddamn rosary
standing on my head.

- You're nuts
- What about my nuts?

- This guy is really sick.
- It's true, Rooney, you're really sick.

Hey, let me buy you a coke or something.

Oh, hot shit!

Hey, Saturday night, Janine. Last row balcony.

Hey look at these guys. Hey, kid come here.

Come here kid. I'm not gonna bite you.

I wouldn't count on it.

Here, hold this.

The St. Mary's fairy, come here Kid,
I wanna tell you a secret.

Hey, let him go, Rooney, and I'll give
you a banana, huh?

- Shut up faggot.
- You're blocking the stoop, dummy.

Hey, why don't you go play your games
somewhere else, Rooney.

Hey Danni, I want you to meet
the St . Mary's fairy.

Hey, what do think, she's cute, ain't she?

Let him go.

Hey, I think she likes you, man.

I said "Let him go".

Alright Rooney, no doggie biscuits.

Hey look kid, if you keep hanging
out with that faggot,

you're gonna start thinking I'm pretty.

I told you he would do something dumb.

You should've kicked him in the balls.

That's what I would've done.

You can sum up your experiences with
the Rooney's of this world

in that one moment when you're
gathering your books from the floor.

Yeah? Where's your books?

I carry my assignments like this,

otherwise, I'd end up on my knees,
like you.

Don't worry about a thing, Dunn.

I'll have you caught up with
your work in no time.

Thanks.

Listen, why do you let him call you a fag?

Let me tell you something about Rooney.

He's just projecting his doubts
about his own sexuality.

It's typical.

Oh, Christ!

There's no toilet paper.

- Hey Williams, is that you?
- Yes.

- You have any toilet paper in there?
- No

Dunn, will you check the other stall?

Yeah. Nothing.

- Look you better run or you'll be late.
- What about you?

I'll work something out.

Pass up your homework assignments, please.

Brother Timothy will be
observing class today.

Take a seat in the back, brother.

Alright, let's get started, please.

You're late, Caesar.

Yes, brother.

- Next time try running.
- Yes brother.

One demerit. You have your
homework assignment?

No, brother.

You didn't do your
homework assignment?

I did my homework assignment, brother,

I just, misplaced it.

No homework assignment?

Two demerits. Sit down.

Sue that janitor!

By now you should all have a copy of "David
Copperfield".

Anyone who doesn't, speak now or...

- You will pay for that Caesar.
- But brother, my screws are gone!

Bring your desk up here, mister.

Where are your screws, Caesar?

I have no idea, brother.

Alright, who did it?

Who took the screws?

On your knees, all of you.

And you will remain on your knees
until the joker comes forward.

- Sorry, I tried to warn you...
- You, Mr. Dunn!

Stand up, please.

Perhaps you would care to share
your comments to Mr. Caesar

with the rest of the class.

I said, I was sorry I didn't tell him

that he didn't have any screws, brother.

Come up here, Mr. Dunn.

Did you take Caesar's screws, Mr. Dunn?

No, brother.

You know who did?

No, brother.

Mr. Dunn, there's something
you should know about me.

I'm not a man who enjoys violence.

In fact I find I get much better
results when I use patience.

And this, Mr. Dunn, is patience.

Now, I think you know who took Caesar's
screws and to who you will have to answer...

It's "to whom", brother.

What?

It's "to whom", brother.

As in "to whom" he would have to answer.

Now do you know "to whom" you will
have to answer for interrupting?

You, brother.

Right again.

Hands and knees Mr. Caesar
up and down the aisle.

Let's hear it, Mr. Caesar.

To whom, brother!

To whom, brother!

Mr. Dunn, who took the screws?

I don't know, brother.

Brother, maybe I should come back
some other time?

Oh no, please stay.

I'm about to show you how patience
triumphs over impudence.

To whom, brother!

- Hold out your hands please, Mr. Dunn.
- To whom, brother!

Who took the screws?

Who took the screws?

Point them out, Mr. Dunn.

That's enough.

Well brother, is there anything else
you'd like to show me?

Paper says it may rain
this afternoon, Mr. Rooney,

Do you think brother Paul will
call off track and field?

I don't know, brother.

Thadeus.

If he doesn't, you will be missed out there.

Come in.

You want to see me, brother?

Yes, let's step outside.

Head off the wall, Mr. Dunn.

Keep an eye on those boys, brother.

Hey Dunn, how ya doin'?

Hey look man, I really appreciate the way
you held out for me like that

I never expected you to take so much.

Man, all I remember was that look on
Constance' face, when you jumped me.

That Goddamn faggot Constance,

he never expected you
to do something like that.

Oh man, my Goddamn arms are
killing me. How 'bout you?

Fuck this man, I'm putting my arms
down for a while.

Hey, so listen Dunn,

After all this, you won't have to hang out
with that faggot Caesar any more.

I mean, you can hang out with the
regular guys, you know what I mean?

Drop dead.

Thought I was going to learn
something about running a class,

instead I was offered a
demonstration in brutality.

The man seemed to be
enjoying himself, brother.

A rather slanderous thought, brother.

One that really ought to be kept to oneself.

Brother Constance is

an effective teacher.
One of the best we have.

- I hear you brother, but...
- But what?

We all come to the order,
full of ideas,

but after a while, we often find that

we have much to learn ourselves.

In any event, authority must
never be undermined

by display of a dissention
among the faculty.

For the students sake,
you understand.

No, I don't understand.

Then you should try to restrain yourself,
until you do.

- Hey Dunn, where you going?
- I'm going home.

- Hey, why don't you hang out for a while.
- Get lost, huh?

Hey look, Dunn.

You jumped me in front of everybody,
made me look pretty stupid.

I gotta save face. I don't make you
my friend,

that means I gotta kick your ass
every time I see you.

Now nobody wants that to happen, right?

So what do you say, huh? Let's give it a try.
Come on.

You know, Dunn, I always liked you.

Hey Danni, getting any lately?

Gotta come here a minute.

Here she comes.

I'm going to look silly.

Williams has something for you.

I got something for him.

How's it hanging, Williams?

- Forbes? - Everybody else gone.
- Hey, what's up?

Hey, over here, Dunn.

Guys wanna slide over?

Hey, Danni, where is your old man?

How come I haven't seen him lately?

- You want something?
- Yeah, I want you, babe.

Order something or get lost, okay?

Alright. Get me a pack of Lucky's

and a coke for my new friend here.
My treat.

Hey Dunn, do no t waste your time with her.

She is just 100% frustrated for spending
all her time with her old man.

I mean, she never made it with nobody,

not even me. If you can believe that!

- Don't choke on 'em.
- Yeah, yeah. Hey, listen, Danni,

We're gonna be starting the school
dances in a couple of weeks.

How would you like to go with me?

Nope.

Not even if I get my father's new car

and we went driving afterwards?

You're don't even have a license, Rooney.

What's a license got to do with it?
I could drive.

Hey Danni, it's got electric leather seats and windows.

What are trying to do, make me hysterical? 50 cents.

Thanks a lot, Dunn.

How about it Danni, huh? Electric leather seats.

Listen, I don't want to go to no catholic dance.
I ain't a catholic.

And, even if I was, I wouldn't go with a jerk
like you, even if you were bishop.

See? What'd I tell you? 100% frustrated.

Hey Rooney, my sick friend.
You got a cigarette for me?

Hey, Janine.

How would you

like to go riding around with me
in my father's new car?

Depends on who's doing the driving.

- It's got electric leather seats and windows, Janine.
- Leather?

Electric.

Can I get a pack of Chesterfield.

You got a light?

And Rooney,

Rooney, never gamble with
what you don't want to lose.

- Hey, that's deep, brother.
- Yeah, well I'm deep.

A raid!

Hey, where you going?

That's my house through there.
Nobody goes through my house.

Shit!

You got me, brother.

So what school you go to?

Oh Christ!

Look at that.

Why don't they leave us alone?

Listen, why don't you just leave, okay?

Heads up!

Haven't been to school this year yet.

Thought they'd come after me.

But all they do is send letters.

I don't think they care that much.

Besides, I can learn more
than they can teach me

just from reading on my own.

Maybe I'll go back some day. Maybe.

You ain't like those other jerks, are you?

No, I just got here.

Gentlemen, it pains me to tell you this,

but of all the thousand boys I've had in this room,

this is by far

the most physically unfit.

Therefore,

in keeping with the late, great
president Kennedy's

nationwide physical fitness program

I've decided that starting today,

we'll put away the things of our childhood

and begin the work of men.

The day is coming, gentlemen,

when you will be called upon

to defend this country against the communists.

And when that...

and when that day comes,

you'd better be in better shape
than you are right now.

The communists, are fierce fighters,

fanatically dedicated to their cause.

And do you know what this cause is?

Killing Catholics.

Hey Caesar,

you have something up your nose?

Not anymore, brother.

Well how would you like something
up there you can't blow out?

Not really, brother.

Alright, men,

after swim class, we will all
assemble in the gym

for a period of severe calisthenics.

Ah, we'll put Constance to the hospital
with this assignment, Dunn.

He'll be asking religion,

and we'll be answering metaphysics.

What are you doing?

Sorry. You want me to look up something here?

Oh, go ahead with what you are doing.

You know that daydreaming
relieves the unconscious?

It is a common activity among geniuses.

- Really? - Really!

It is also common in schizophrenics
and fools.

Speaking of fools, what you doing here?

Shut up, faggot. I'm here to see Dunn.

What the matter?

Thadeus took me off track and field.

Why?

He heard me call Constance a Goddamn faggot

when we were kneeling in his office.

I don't know how he did it,
but he heard me.

- He is omniscient.
- Yeah, his mother is probably one too.

Anyway, he says I'm off track and field
until I go apologize to Constance.

So go apologize.

Oh sure. Go tell Constance I'm sorry
I called him a Goddamn faggot?

He'll cream my face.

But without track and field,
my grades will be based on...

on my grades.

That means I'm going to be in this Goddamn
school for the rest of my Goddamn life.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going to study.

Yeah, you think that's funny?

Caesar, why don't you work with him.

Caesar doesn't work with morons.

No, hey Dunn, forget it, I don't need any help,
especially from a faggot like him.

Why you just work with each other?

No!

Hey Caesar, don't say nothin' man.
I don't want nobody to know I'm here.

They might get the wrong idea.

Hey listen, I think Dunn's right.

I think you should help me.

I'm not saying that we have to be
friends or anything...

Strictly business, no strings attached.

Hey, maybe I could do
something for you too. Anything

I just can't afford to get left back anymore.

I already got hair on my balls, Caesar.

So what do you say? You gonna
help me, or what?

Come on, please?

You can still be a faggot, as far as I'm concerned.

Please, Caesar, huh?

Corbet, you can't tell him
you lied to your father.

He'll make you go back and apologize to him.

Then, he'll break your Goddamn legs.

Tell him it was a bus
driver you lied to,

You know, someone you're never gonna see again.

And what's this, huh? You stole 22 times?

What the fuck are you,
a Goddamn Jesse James?

What'd you steal? He's gonna want to know.

And he's gonna tell you bring it all back.

Here, change this 22 to 2

and tell him it was some food or something.

What if he wants me to bring that back?

What? The crap?

And add 3 lies to the others.

But don't tell him it's him you were lying to.

You know, like you forgot who it was.
Then you're home free.

Yeah, but that still leaves me with one lie.

Yeah, but it's a beautiful tradeoff.

Bless me, my father, for I have sinned.

It's been 3 months since my last confession.

Go on.

I've lied 3 times.

I've been angry very often.

I've shown disrespect to my elders
several times.

Hey Williams, you got your list?

Let's take a look.

Jesus you got here that you
jerked off 168 times?

It's been one month since your
last confession?

- It's average of, um...
- 5.6 times a day.

My God, you can't tell him that,
they'll cut your balls off.

Here, make this 3 jerk offs,

divide the rest to impure
thoughts and wet dreams.

- and adds another lie to your list.
- Check.

What kind of magazine?

Um, one with pictures in it.

What kind of pictures?

Pictures of things...
um, women, father.

What did you think about when
you looked at these pictures?

- Think about?
- Did you have any thoughts?

- Yes, father?
- What kind of thoughts?

Impure thoughts, father. I was
coming to that...

When you have had these impure thoughts,

did you committed impure acts?

Yes, my father. I was coming to that sin also.

How often did you commit these impure acts?

- Oh, just once. - Just once?

You sure about that? I want you
to think for a moment.

Yes, just once, father.

When you committed these impure acts,

did you do it alone or with someone else?

Oh no, always alone.

"Always"? What happened to just once?

I mean, just once, alone.

What's he gonna confess? Taking a shit?

- What's taking so long?
- Perrin's in there.

- Perrin the pervert?
- Yeah, with father Abruzzi.

Perrin the pervert and "the impure acts of
Abruzzi". We're gonna be here all day.

I want you to throw that magazine away

and I want you to give the money
back to your parents.

- Oh no, I can't.
- Well, you're going to have to.

For your penance,

say six "Our Fathers" and
twelve "Hail, Marys"

and I want you to say a rosary
every day for a week.

- Can you remember all that?
- Yes

Make an act of contrition.

Oh my God, I am heartily sorry
for having offended thee,

and I detest all my sins, because I dread
the loss of heaven and the pains of hell,

but most of all, because they
offend thee, my God,

Who are all good and deserving of all my love.

What? What?

You little weasel.

Father, I was only joking.

God father, can't you take a joke?

Hey, I got an idea. Keep an eye
out for father Abruzzi.

Bless me, my father, for I have sinned.

It's been 6 weeks since my last confession.

Go on, my son.

Father, I'd like to confess a sin
I thought I could live with,

- but it's becoming a problem.
- An impure act?

- It's something much worse.
- Really?

Father, I entered and typically won

an inter-borough essay contest.

I accepted a nominal cash prize

and the article was published in
the community paper.

Big deal! ...my son.

Father, I failed to footnote some of my sources.

Get to the sin, please.

Plagiarism, father.

Alone or with someone else? With a girl?

- I did it myself.
- Yeah, so?

Father, if this is discovered,

it could someday keep me out of Harvard.

And father, I was conceived to go to Harvard.

Alright, alright, you are forgiven.
Do you have any other good stuff?

Impure thoughts, desires, fantasies?

- No, father. - What?

What kind of a faggot are you anyway?

Dominus Vobiscon, shithead.

Your gonna recite one "Our Father",
one "Hail Mary"

and your gonna help your buddy
Ed Rooney get passing grades

or you can kiss off Harvard, pal.

There is no God.

Hey, I'm telling you guys, slow dancing.

Fast dancing is for faggots, man.

Girls dance with their sisters.

I mean, think about it for a second.

Her body, her soft,
perfumed and powdered body

leaning against yours.

Her legs, her thighs, moving against yours.

- Her delicate perfectly formed knobs...
- Oh Jeez...

- Hey, and it's all legal. - It is?

- Yeah. - Alright!

My name is brother Timothy
and I have been sentenced

to preside over this series of dances.

First of all, I like to welcome

the Virgin Martyr girls,
and thank them for coming.

I have a note to remind you

there will be a first Friday novena
this coming Friday.

And now, let me introduce to you father Abruzzi

who will be giving the first talk.

Thanks. Father?

Wait just a second, father.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

As you know, these dances are designed

to help you learn to interact with one another

in a way befitting young men and women

of a strong moral fiber.

You're all at an age now when you're perhaps

beginning to notice the difference between
the boys and the girls.

As just as she is, at any important
moment of your life,

the Church is here to guide you.

Many of you will be experiencing certain feelings,

feelings which you might be inclined to confuse

with love.

But, ladies and gentlemen,

never confuse love

with the deadliest of the seven
deadly sins.

Lust, ladies and gentlemen,

has undone and cast down into
the eternal fires of hell,

even the most advanced souls.

There is a beast living within
each and every one of you!

A filthy beast, whose name is...

Lust.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen,

lust is the beast within you.

The beast that wants to consume you,

and then you spit you out into
the eternal fires of hell,

where for all eternity, your flesh
will be ripped from your body

by grotesque serpents with
razor sharp teeth.

Where, for all eternity,
your blood will boil,

your bones will burn

and your marrow will be reduced to a
a putrid black slime.

And for what?

For a few moments of weakness

that led you to admire the shape of
somebody's buttocks.

Any questions?

Very well then. Have a nice time.
Enjoy the dance.

And I'll see you all next week.

So, how come you guys aren't dancing?

- Caesar doesn't dance.
- Oh.

You guys want anything?

Me? No, thanks.

Caesar hardly walks. What's your excuse?

I don't know. Waiting for inspiration.

Inspiration? Who from? The Holy Ghost?

Come on, it's a cinch.
Just walk up to some girl you like,

you look her in the eye, say: "excuse me,
but, you want to dance"?

Works every time.

Yeah. What if it doesn't?

Well, if it doesn't work,

then you gotta start thinking about
joining a religious order.

- Maybe I'll see you later
- Maybe you better start dancing.

Eight fingers there, Rooney.
Eight fingers?

Can you still get your father's car, Rooney?

Sure, let's go.

No wait, not now. After the dance.
And I don't want to go alone.

You're not going alone, you're going with me.

No, I mean we have to take
Cathleen with us.

- What the hell for?
- Cause we came together.

- Alright, I'll get Corbet.
- That slime?

Alright. I got it, I'll take Williams.

You're right.

Who then? Give me a name.

Him, over there.

Who him? What, is she weird or something?

I think she likes his brains.

Aw, Jeeze...

Hello! Hello??

Danni?

Excuse me, I was looking for Danni.

What the hell are you doing here?

The door was open. I was looking for you.

I guess I shouldn't have just come on in, huh?

Damn straight you shouldn't have just come in.

I'm sorry, I just wanted to talk...

Get out of here, okay?

Sorry. I just wanted to dance with you.

You're still here?

Yeah, I guess I am.

You want to come in?

No, I'm going to head home.

Come on.

Please.

Okay.

Listen, I didn't mean to yell at you like that.

I'm sorry, okay.

Sure, don't worry about it.

I do not like nobody going back there.

He's not always like that.

My father, is not always like that.

- It's just melancholia.
- What?

You know, he's down in the dumps.

How come?

'Cause the woman he loved
and loved him back,

killed herself.

Your mother?

No, not her.

She's the reason the woman killed herself.

See, even though my father loved
this other woman,

he couldn't bring himself to leave my mother.

Stupid.

Anyway, that's when my father got melancholia.

And that got my mother pretty mad,
'cause she knew why he had melancholia.

So she left him.

How's that for a kick in the head?

- God... - Yeah, God...

What the matter? You smoke or what?

What you smoking my cigarettes for?

Sorry.

- Caesar!
- What you doing, Rooney?

- Tonight's the night, buddy.
- Tonight's the night, for what?

Janine said she'd go riding around
with me in my father's new car.

Tell her I can recommend a good therapist.

Excuse me.

Well listen, ah...

Cathleen wants to go with you.

Forget it, Rooney.

Harvard, Caesar, Harvard.

Look Rooney, I'll help you with your grades.

But do you think holding that over my head

puts me at your beck and call for life?

Yeah. Thank you God!

Are you sure this is okay?

Yes, my father's in Chicago.

Pile in!

Fuckin' A.

Where's Janine and Rooney?

What do you think they're doing?

I don't even want to think about it.

Where's Cathleen and Caesar?

Ah, don't worry about those faggots,
they can take care of themselves.

Here, take some more.

- Hey, take a little more.
- More? - Yeah.

It relaxes you.

You know, Janine, I waited a long time for this.

I know you waited a long time too.
I know that you want it.

You won't regret this, Janine,
I swear you won't.

Oh God.

Oh God!

I really enjoyed that article

you had published in the paper.

- Which one?
- The one they gave you the prize for.

Did you?

Yes, I thought it was
well written, entertaining,

and extremely enlightening.

Did you really?

Yes, and I especially liked the way

you detailed the split
between Freud and Ju...Jung.

I did do that rather well, didn't I?

Well you see, Freud was sort of an asshole.
Ah, ah.

Well I mean to reduce

everything that is longer than it is
wide to a penis, is...

What's that?

It's a Goddamn boat.
What the fuck you think it is?

What's that?

Don't you know anything?

It is the Goddamn bridge
answering the Goddamn boat.

Why would the bridge be answering the boat?

So that the Goddamn boat, knows that
the Goddamn bridge knows

that the Goddamn boat, knows that the bridge,
knows boat is coming through.

Goddamn!

Fuck, my car!

Caesar, opening the fucking door!!!

There's a fucking boat coming!

- I ain't playing around!
- Five minutes! Please, alright?

- Open the fucking door.
- I think I'm gonna be sick...

I don't care! Open the fucking door!

- Don't yell at me.
- What door?

- Rooney, what's wrong?

- Rooney, what's wrong?
- Let go of me.

Get out of here.

I can't find my Goddamn keys.

Start the car!

Oh, thank you God.

Thank you, I'll never forget you for this God.

Oh, my God!

Stop God! What are you doing?
You're fucking me up here, God!

Fuckin' A, man!

- Janine.
- Back where you belong, Rooney.

- Yeah, yeah. Hey listen...
- What happened to you?

My father just got back from Chicago.

Hey listen, I just found out if you get the Pope
to wave at you when you're together,

- that means you can have sex without sin.
- Your ass!

No really, 'cause then you're as good
as married in the eyes of the Church.

Why do you think all those Italian guys
always cheer every time he waves at them?

Up yours. And get your stupid
face away from me.

Hey, see ya later, Janine.

What we gonna do, sit here all day?

Are you kidding? This is
Thadeus idea of a good time.

Yeah, well the fag wouldn't
know a good time

if it slid up his leg and bit
him on the ba-doings.

- Where's Rooney?
- I don't know, brother.

Where's Dunn?

Don't worry, those faggots will
never notice we're missing.

What'd they did to Elvis?
Cut his balls off or something?

Miserable.

Are familiar with the word "miserable"?

Well, you will be.

Because miserable is what I'm going
to make your miserable lives,

every miserable minute of every
miserable day,

from now until Easter,
am I making myself understood?

- Yes, brother.
- Yes, brother what?

Yes, brother, miserable, brother.

What does that faggot Constance
have us using these things for?

Because he is a sick man!

Well he is sick if he thinks I'm
going to do this every Sunday.

I got better things to do on my Sundays.

Yeah, like taking a drive in the Gowanus canal!

Man, it looks like every bird in
Brooklyn took a dump on him.

Of all the places there are to drop turds,

I wonder why they all pick on the Bas'?

Think about it, but work while you think about it.

There's the pitch.

You know I can't figure out how
a guy like you ever became a brother?

What do you mean, "a guy like me?"

Take a look around, there's all kinds
of different guys here. What's wrong with me?

I don't know. I just can't figure it out is all.

Well, a lot of people can't figure it out.

My brother was supposed to be the
one with the vocation.

Me, they had me written off as a bum.

But, here I am wearing a robe,
bouncing a ball on the steps of the rectory.

- Is your brother a bum?
- Sort of.

Sells life insurance down in Maryland.

Yeah, everybody's got it all
figured out for me too.

Ever since I was a kid, they've been
telling me I 'm going to be a priest.

My grandmother has her way, I'll be Pope.

Just be sure to remember all us
little guys down here,

when you're up there in the Vatican.

Yeah.

So, you're a working girl too, eh?

Isn't that nice now?

Isn't that nice, hmm?

Pass the potatoes.

Michael's going to be a priest.

Great!

Your grandparents seem like nice people.

Yeah. My grandma's not used to having
kids around, so it's weird for her.

She's alright.

You're gonna be a priest, huh?

Why, you want my blessing?

Sure.

This is my bus.

- Listen, you still want to dance with me?
- Sure.

Okay, someday when the weather breaks,

I'll take you to the beach. The Bop House.

Great, I don't dance too good.

I will teach you how to dance, father Michael.

Dunn, this is the greatest day of my life.

Hey Willie, give me some change.

How's it going?

Ah, spring is tomorrow.

Got a good summer coming too,
a good summer.

And how about you? Doing good?

- Trying.
- You better.

- A friend of yours? - Yeah.

Kind of dead around here now.

But in a couple weeks

they'll be jumping with every
party head in Brooklyn.

Oh, that's okay. I'm not too crazy about crowds.

Yes, but on summer nights,

with the lights and stuff,
and people dancing,

it's like a whole other planet...

a whole other weird, fantastic planet.

You know, often times,
when you're with somebody,

you feel like you always got to talk to them?

You know, I mean, always be saying same something,

or it starts getting embarrassing.

I don't feel that with you though.

I feel like I don't have to talk,

and it's alright.

You know what I mean?

I got something for you.

- What? - A special rock.

What's so special about it?

What's special about it is,

if you ever wish your want to come true,

you take that rock and throw it
as far as you can into the ocean,

and it'll come true.

- Really? - I don't know.

That's great.

Michael, I got something for you.

A hub cap, '56 Chevy.

- Keep it. - A beauty.

Let's get in, it's getting wet.

It's raining.

Hi. Did you see grandma? She waited up for you.

Yeah, I saw her.

She's gonna set herself on fire one of these days.

Where were you?

Out.

Out with that girl?

- Yeah. - Do you like her? - Yeah.

You love her?

None of your business. Come on,
get out of here, I'm tired.

Not my fault your tired.

You're tired because you were out all
night with that girl

and you were out with
her because you do love her.

And you're all wet.

Michael, you're not going to leave me, are you?

Of course not. What are you talking about?

You're going to go away with that girl

and leave me here with
grandma and grandpa.

Are you going to leave me, Michael?

No.

I'm not going to leave you .

"In the high place in the darkness,

two oddly sensitive human atoms

held each other tightly and waited.

The mind of each was the same thought:

'I've come into this lonely place
and here's this other"'.

I like the part about the
"two oddly sensitive human atoms".

You want me to stop?

I need sugar.

I cannot work in this madhouse any more!

And your book report doesn't sound
like David Copperfield.

Hey, you know, I think something's
going on between these two over there.

Never mind that. Let me ask you a question.

Why do you keep referring to W.C. Fields?

- Because he was in it. - In what?

In the Goddamn movie, stupid.

Loan me one?

Hey look, it's not my fault if you don't know

who is W.C. Field is, alright?

- Hey, get your own, huh.
- Look, I know who W.C. Fields is.

Who'd he play in the movie?

Hold on, let me check my notes.

See, here he is, it's the guy with the hat.

But they fucked up, cause he don't
look like W. C. Fields at all.

Too skinny.

I'll write a you a one and two syllable
version of my own report.

You can sign your name on it later.

Yeah, but that's cheating.

Sit outs are coming!

They're taking names.

Ah, Margaret!

You're creating a famine down
at the other end of the table.

I don't know who's responsible
for this girl,

but I think the social welfare people

will find this a very interesting situation.

She's a juvenile delinquent.

She should be arrested and
that whole place closed down.

Don't you think that's a little extreme?

Oh, I forgot, brother Timothy's favorite hangout.

We have a responsibility to take some action here.

That girl's undermining everything we try to do.

- If I was the headmaster...
- If you were headmaster,

you'd probably call out the national Guard.

But at the moment, I'm headmaster,

and at the moment, the headmaster
is trying to enjoy his dinner.

- Where's all the bread gone?
- Ask brother Dominic where the bread went.

Brother Dominic, where's all the bread gone?

Oh, would you be kind enough
to pass this down to

brother Thadeus, with my compliments.

He buttered it too.

I've noticed a marked improvement
in most of the work,

and in some cases a miraculous recovery.

Yahoo!

"Yahoo," Mr. Rooney?

Certainly your grades indicate that you have

the ability to succeed if you just apply yourself.

But let's save the "Yahoos" until we see
how well you do in your other subjects.

A minus, brother?

I found your research into, "Charles Dickens
was a paranoid schizophrenic",

slightly hard to swallow,

not to mention irrelevant.

A minus? What is this school coming to?

Hey look, if you need some help
on your next paper...

Hey, what are friends for?

Hey Dunn, where you going?

What's going on?

- Okay, step aside here.
- Where they taking her?

We're all set.

We'll make arrangements with your mother
to have the inventory accounted for.

They made this happen, didn't they?

Nobody made this happen.

I just don't want you to be sad.

Because I'm not.

Promise?

No.

We have to go.

Hey listen, I'm glad I got to dance with you.

Don't worry, Dunn, we'll find her.

I can't believe you talked me into this.

First thing in the morning I'm
having my head examined.

Hey, shutup! We're doing it for Dunn.

In the morning, you'll be glad you did it.
You're gonna feel like a man.

God,

who has given you the opportunity
for eternal life,

who's given you this life on earth,

this finite life, this life with a
beginning and an end

that is measured in increments of time.

Time...

Time is a medium of exchange.

You can use it, you can purchase things with it.

So don't waste your time,
when you're out of school.

Whether it be the Easter recess,
or the summer vacation,

make it a point,

to spend your time fruitfully.

- Hey, he's talking to you, get it? Fruitful.
- You will be astounded

what you will receive.

Time will give you back tenfold
what you have given to it.

It will make better men out of you.

- Don't take that out now...
- Will you shut up.

Dunn, I got a little present here for you.

A little something to put
the smile back on your face.

You think now that you know everything,

what is ahead for you is extraordinary.

And remember,

whether you are in school
or out of school,

you are representatives...

of St. Basil's.

You, and you, and you, and you, and you, let's go.

You are charged

with upholding the moral character...

Let's go.

...indentified with this school.

That's far enough. Against the wall
please gentlemen. You too, Rooney.

Make yourselves comfortable, gentlemen.

Is he gone?

I think that faggot figured out who did it.

- Oh? What gives you that idea?
- Well, what are you gonna tell him?

Oh let's see, you're in the assembly

with the saint's head in your lap.

Tell him you found it
in a box of cracker jacks.

No, that's no good. We gotta think of
something better than that.

Hey Williams, what are you doing?

Corbet, shut up.

Yes, but Williams is
playing with himself in here.

Alright, I got it. Listen.

This is what we'll tell him
when he comes back.

We'll tell him...

We'll tell him we don't know what
the fuck he's talking about.

Oh, well how's he going to argue with that?

- Come on Caesar, we're going to get killed.
- I've got a note.

Oh sure, listen to him,
he's got a Goddamn note.

What about the rest of us, huh?
We're all in this together you know.

- Hey Dunn, where are you?
- Right here.

Hey Dunn, we did it for you, you know.

Yeah, I appreciate that.

I will appeal to him as one human
being to another.

I'll reason with him.

Oh sure! You're going to reason
with a grown man in a dress?

Come with me, please.

That's far enough.

Thank you, brother.

Gentlemen, we will dispense with the
traditional accusation denial ritual...

It's such a bore.

And not likely convince me that
I don't have before me right now

at least one, if not all of the vandals.

But since I'm a just man, with no taste
for punishing the innocent.

I will afford the guilty, the
opportunity to speak now

and to save the innocent from
an impending state of wretchedness.

Well?

Could you repeat that, brother?

Shut up.

Alright, who did it?

Speak now or you will all suffer for it.

I did.

Mr. Dunn.

He didn't do it.

Um, Williams did it.

What do you mean I did it? Corbet did it.

No, it was Caesar's idea to take the
head off...

Alright, alright! That's enough!

Have it your own way, gentlemen.

Mr. Corbet, you will approach
the horse, please.

Gentlemen, will you turn around please.

Mr. Williams?

Mr. Caesar.

Brother, I'm exempt from
this sort of discipline.

The famous note...

I see you've had it laminated.

To protect it.

Very good. I'll return it to you when we finish.

Please, brother.

Can we work out another punitive plan?

Please brother, please, this is barbaric!

Who are you calling barbaric?

You leave him alone.

- Holy shit!
- Come on, Caesar.

Never let it be said that one of our boys

performed less than admirably
on any occasion

or displayed anything less than
the most noble character. In so doing...

Let's go.

- I said : "let's Go".
- What is this?

It's quite alright brother.
Everything is under control

Bastard!

This impudent piece of trash...

They should be expelled.

In the real world, they'd be
charged with assault.

In the real world they'd have
a case for self-defense.

- I think expulsion is justified here.
- I don't think so.

Well no one cares what you think.

Fetch the boys in here .

Those kids are our responsibility.

No one need remind me of our
responsibilities, brother.

Can you gentlemen, give me a good reason

why you shouldn't be expelled?

It is my fault brother. I'm the one
who should be expelled.

You all acted as one, Mr. Dunn.

And as one you shall bear the consequences.

Yes, brother, but I started it.

Did you?

As I understand it,
brother Constance started it.

What?

I'm suspending you for two weeks.

Good day, gentlemen.

What do you mean, I started it?

They assaulted the faculty,
they have disgraced this institution

and they destroyed a statue of St. Basil.

I always hated that statue.

What is this?

I think a transfer out of the school.

I don't want you to working
with children any more.

You can't do this.

I will demand an investigation.

I'll take this all the way
to the bishop if I have to...

Take it where ever you want, brother.

Just take it out of my office.

It appears we have a vacancy, brother.

Think you can fit in?

I think so, brother.

I can't tell my father I am suspended.

I'll have to leave the house every morning
to pretend I'm going to school.

Yeah, so what else is new?

I'll never, ever get into Harvard now.

I'll have to settle for Queens College.

Well you should feel right at home
at Queens College.

It guess this means I can't be Pope.

Not unless you have three
miracles to your credit.

I can't believe we're not going
to be in this place for two weeks.

In 1966, everybody graduated from St. Basil's,

except me.

Caesar went on to graduate with honors
from Queens College.

He became pedometrist or
psychiatrist, or some fag job like that.

Williams got a job as a projectionist

the peek-a-boo theater in Times Square.

Corbet married Janine.

Imagine a turd like him.
They have six kids.

I heard Dunn and Danni ran into
each other at Woodstock,

at Max what's-his-face's farm,

where half a million faggots
stood in the rain for

three days with no clothes on.

Me, I went to beautician school,

where everybody graduated, except me.

But I got a job as a shampoo boy

at Marisa's house of hair in Bensonhurst.

The hours suck, the pay sucks,

I'm surrounded by funny guys,
but the tips are great.

Thank you, God.