All language subtitles for TMZs.Merry.Elfin.Christmas.2023.720p.WEB.h264-BAE

-Merry...
-Merry...

-Elfin'...
-Christmas...

...Everybody.

[narrator] tonight,
a very special tmz.

I'll give anybody $1,000
if you know my name right now.

-Shaquille o'neal.
-Nope. The black harvey levin.

[narrator] the biggest stars
take over the newsroom

To discuss
the biggest stories of 2023.

The person that had
the biggest year

Was taylor swift,

With her bombshell relationship

With travis kelce.

I'm not thinking,
though, that in his mind,

He's going to be
mr. Taylor swift.

I think this is
a rental for travis.

-[woman 1] oh, no.
-[man 1] oh, no.

I think this is a rental
for travis.

[narrator] yes, we've got
the most shocking...

Kevin costner
and christine baumgartner
got divorced, and it was gnarly.

Kevin had to give away
$80 million his first divorce.

Kevin, stop getting married!

[narrator]
...The most entertaining...

Great year for usher
and his residency in las vegas.

-A lot of celebrities came out.
-This man is
an excellent performer.

Outstanding.
Almost better than beyoncé.

-[all] wow!
-[man 2] what?

[narrator] ...And the craziest
stories of the year.

Congresswoman lauren boebert,

She was on a date,
and they started

Getting hot and heavy
in their seats.

If a woman grabs
my johnson in the theater,

I'm kind of good with that.

[all laugh]

[narrator] it's tiffany haddish,

Bill maher, shaquille o'neal,

Mark cuban, kyle richards.

Plus a special performance
by gavin degraw

On tmz's merry elfin' christmas.

-Kyle and I go way back.
-Way back.

-I remember that night.
-Whoa.

-[all laugh]
-no, no, no.

-No, no!
-[all laughing]

[narrator] and now
the biggest baller of the year.

Nope, not that baller.
This baller.

The person
that had the biggest year

-Was undoubtedly taylor swift.
-Of course.

[narrator]
she did become a billionaire,

Thanks in part to her eras tour.

But she also
struck it rich in love.

With her bombshell relationship

With football player
travis kelce.

[narrator] yep, she started
dating the chiefs' tight end

And secret handshaking
with the quarterback's wife.

Taylor took over
the nfl this year.

Viewership was
at an all-time high.

People were tuning in
just to get a glimpse of her.

Mark was trying to petition,
like, her to date one
of the mavs, weren't you?

[narrator] no. Any one of them.

We got a lot of really
good-looking, young,
single guys. Come on.

How do your players feel
about you pimping them out?

I told them, they were like,
"let's go, right?"

[all laugh]

-So who got engaged?
-[cuban] luka doncic.

[levin]
so, um, would luka's fiancée

Give him a hall pass for this?

-[woman 1] no.
-[woman 2] come on!

Nobody's getting
a hall pass for taylor swift,

'cause you going out
that door and down the hall,

-You ain't
turning around, right?
-[all laugh]

[narrator] hey, it's not
all endless hallways

And hot and heavy handholding.

Taylor obviously
can't just go anywhere.

She's always surrounded
by security. It's hard for them.

That's why he bought,
like, a house

With a mini golf
and a-this and a-that.

[narrator] yep, travis
bought a mansion

Fit for a taylor,

With a waterfall,
a tennis court,

And 16,000 square feet
of privacy.

'cause it was
more taylor appropriate.

I'm not thinking,
though, that in his mind,

He's going to be
mr. Taylor swift.

I think this is
a rental for travis.

-Oh, no. No.
-[all exclaiming]

-How dare you?
-I know I'm gonna get killed.

I know my social media
is destroyed right now.

[narrator] so congrats
on a great year, you two.

It goes both ways, right?

No, you said what you said.

You said what you said.

So I know you like to talk about
how politicians

Are all bark and no bite,

But joe biden's dog
is all bite and no bark.

So, commander,
the german shepherd

Who lives in the white house,
has been booted,

This after biting
11 different people,

A mixture
of secret service agents

And white house staffers.

It got so bad to the point

That one person
was hospitalized.

And they decided
they had to get rid of him.

Get rid of him?
You mean kill him?

-Uh, no.
-[doucette] you don't know that.

-We don't know. We don't know.
-You don't know that.

I was told he was going to live
on a farm where he'd be happier.

[all laugh]

This is a big deal

Because he's bitten
more than 11 times.

-Eleven times.
-Do you know why dogs do this?

It's because they take them away
from their mothers too soon.

-Charles said that.
-Where have I heard that before?

-As a peta board member.
-Aw.

-You're a peta
board member for real?
-[maher] yeah.

The name of that organization,

People for the ethical
treatment of animals.

I'm totally behind that.

-Do you have pets?
-[maher] of course.

I've always had two dogs.

They're pretty old by now.

Well, I mean [indistinct].

[all laugh]

[narrator] and now
it's the biggest superstar

Celebrity bombshell
biography of 2023,

The woman in me
by britney spears.

She released her book.

This book changed the world.

-[all exclaim]
-it changed nothing.

[levin] oh, my god.

-[all laugh]
-you are dismissed.

[narrator] she had a good run
and will be missed.

But what shouldn't be missed
is britney's book.

-She released so much of it.
-She accused justin of cheating.

Everyone thought
for the longest time

That she was
the one that cheated.

[o'neal] no, she cheated.

You don't have to say

What you did.

I already know.

It's not about you.

[narrator] voice of an angel.

Anyhoo, it's ancient history,

So no point debating
who cheated on who--

By hands,
who think justin cheated?

-By hands.
-Oh, he definitely cheated.

And who think britney cheated?

Oh, case adjourned,
britney loses.

[narrator] okay, but if
both people are cheating...

The second person
is not cheating anymore, right?

It's getting back
at the first person.

And I think that britney
was the second.

-It was payback.
-Oh, I don't think so.

[all laugh]

[narrator]
bottom line, it's a golden age
for britney fans.

-Have you met her before?
-No.

I'm getting a sense that
you're a justin timberlake fan.

Well, I've been knowing justin
for a long time.

-Have you met him before?
-[narrator] no.

They've been friends
for a long time,

But somehow they've never met--
weird how that works.

But surely britney met shaq
at some point.

He's one of the most
famous people on the planet.

I don't know you that well.
I'm sorry.

-What?
-Oh, no.

You don't know the diesel?

I know you were
in a car commercial.

A car commercial?

[all laugh]

-Go, go!
-Get out.

-Get out.
-[narrator] at this rate,

The room's
going to be empty soon.

But maybe that's a good thing.

See you on
the bestseller list, britney.

[shevonne sullivan]
biggest engagement of the year.

Jeff bezos and lauren sanchez

-Got engaged in may.
-Yes!

They started dating in 2019.

He proposed
with a $2.5 million ring,

20 carats,

On his super yacht

That's worth 500 million,
in europe.

That's sexy. On the yacht.
Yeah, that's hot.

Do you think
out of all the billionaires,

-He's the hottest?
-No, I know hotter.

-[all] who?
-Which one's the hottest?

-None of your business.
-[all laugh]

-Is he american?
-Yeah, I know some american
ones that's pretty hot.

And I know an african one
that's pretty sexy.

How you hanging
with billionaires like this?

I've been making sure
I go to michael rubin parties.

-[all exclaim]
-[levin] oh, nice.

[haddish] most billionaires
are older, though.

But I talk to their sons.

[all laugh]

Yes, when they hit
about 24, 25, I'm in there.

-"hey."
-[all laugh]

I was at the usher concert,
and michael jordan was there.

And I was talking to him,
and I told him straight up,

"I just want to let you know
I'm gonna end up

Getting pregnant
by one of your sons."

He said, well,
"my son is already marrying
an older woman."

I said, "no, I'm talking
about the illegitimate ones.
Where are they?"

[all laugh]

He laughed hard.
He laughed hard.
He was, like, "ha-ha, funny."

[narrator] and now
it's the biggest blockbuster

Of 2023.

The arby's movie.

Wait, sorry.
Make that the barbie movie.

Easy mistake.

The biggest movie
of the year was barbie.

It reached over $1 billion
in the box office

And even set a new record
for female directors.

Did you see it by chance?

-I did not.
-[all] what?

-I know.
-It did have some controversy.

Some people thought
it was man-hating,

And it made men look dumb.

[narrator] oh, please.

Literally no one thought

It was super man-hating.

-It was super man-hating.
-It was not.

[narrator] ha, he's our little
holiday troublemaker.

Point is,
everyone's bonkers for barbie.

-I do need to see it soon.
-Are you a movie person?

[narrator] uh, hello.

She was in one of the most

Iconic movies of all time.

Halloween, dude,
one of the greatest movies ever.

-Do you know what
she did before Halloween?
-Police something.

[narrator]
yes, police something...

Is not an actual movie,

But nice to see that master's

In film studies is paying off.

No, before Halloween,
kyle was in...

Little house on the prairie.

-[all exclaim]
-oh, yeah.

That was my first tv series
when I was five years old.

How did you get
into show business at five?

My mom felt bad for me
because I was shy

And she thought,
"we'll push her into this."

She's shy.
Let's put her in Halloween.

[all laugh]

[narrator] well, the point is,
the whole world loves barbie.

My daughter saw it
and absolutely loved it. Loved.

-Are your daughters man-haters?
-No, they're not.

-Not yet.
-Future man-haters.

Future. Not yet. Exactly.
Give them some time. [laughs]

[narrator] so congrats, barbie.

You literally grossed
over 100 times more

Than are you there, god?
It's me, margaret.

Take that, margaret.

Well, let me do
my harvey invitation real quick.

-Oh, hold on.
-[all laugh]

Those are nice muscles.

Thank you.
I just bought them. Right?

-Okay. Fire away.
-Lottery jackpot's
getting bigger and bigger.

And none were bigger than
this guy named edwin castro.

He wins a $2 billion jackpot,

So he says,
"I want to take the lump sum."

After taxes,
he ends up getting $628 million.

Chump change, but that's okay.

I was thinking that
when I wrote that one.

You must look at him
like he's poor.

And so he gets the $600 million,

And he starts
buying up real estate.

Yeah, so he bought
a $25.5 million

Home in the hollywood hills.

He bought
a $47 million home in la.

-Is this what
he should be doing?
-No, it's dumb because--

-Why?
-Real estate.

Why not buy a sports team?

They get more valuable
every year.

You get to hang out
with the players.

$600 million is not gonna
get you a sports team.

Your team is worth,
what, like, $4 or 5 billion?

-On a bad day, yeah.
-[all laugh]

-What did you pay?
-285.

I paid 285 20 years ago. Yeah.

Is there any downside
to being so rich?

No.

[all laugh]

[narrator] coming up.

Tom brady and gisele bundchen
finalized their divorce,

And then they moved on
to different people.

-Tom brady was with irina shayk.
-Are you sure that's her?

-It's her.
-I don't see a face.

Let me investigate.

-Stand up.
-It is not me.

Hey, he's confusing you
for irina shayk, take it.

-Right there.
-[doucette] yeah.

Yeah, she wishes.

[all laugh]

[narrator] plus...

Mark zuckerberg vs. Elon musk,

The billionaire brawl.

Mark zuckerberg and elon musk
were going back and forth.

Musk said,
"let's settle it in the cage."

Zuck actually trains.
Mark knows how to fight.

Elon knows
how to eat a hamburger.

-[all exclaim]
-oh, wow.

Sounds like
you're trying to fight elon.

No, I'm not going to fight.
I'm a lover.

-I'm not a fighter.
-[all laugh]

[upbeat music playing]

[narrator] and now, 2023's
hottest post-divorce rebound

By a seven-time super bowl champ

And his brazilian
supermodel ex-wife

Goes to tom brady
and gisele bundchen.

Wow, that was
a very specific category.

But congrats, you two.

They finalized their divorce,

And then they moved on
to different people.

[narrator] yep, tom brady got
with another hot supermodel

And bradley cooper's ex,
irina shayk.

That's the first person
he publicly dated
after he got divorced.

-Are you sure that's her?
-Yeah.

[o'neal] I don't see a face.

There are other photos
you see her face.

[narrator] like this one.

Okay, you gotta squint
and tilt your head,

But you can totally
see it's her.

And that's definitely
irina shayk's elbow.

The guys in this room
can identify her

By just her body parts.

Let me investigate.

-Nope.
-[all laugh]

-Stand up.
-It is not me.

Hey, he's confusing you
for irina shayk, take it.

-Stay right there.
-[doucette] yeah.

Yeah, she wishes.

[all laugh]

-I'm just saying.
-You're right.

She does look like tom brady.

-[all laugh]
-what the hell?

[narrator]
hey, it's a compliment.

Brady's got a hot bod.

And speaking of hot bods,

Get a load of gisele's new man,

Jujitsu instructor
joaquim valente.

[sullivan] they were
in costa rica together,

Riding, like, horses together
on the beach with his dog.

Like, they were really a couple.

This jujitsu instructor
was instructing the kids.

She started taking lessons,
and the kids took lessons

When tom and gisele
were still married.

Is there like a bro code

That if this guy

Is being hired by tom brady,

Once brady and gisele split up,

Is he allowed to date her
under the bro code?

-No.
-Shaq, have you broken
the bro code before?

Of course not.

[all laugh]

What's the other guy gonna do?

Yeah, [indistinct]. Nothing.

-Excuse me, mr. O'neal.
-[all laugh]

[narrator]
that seems about right.

Hottie's got new hotties.

Goodbye, everybody.

[woman 3] one of the nastiest
hollywood divorces

We've ever seen
happened this year.

So, kevin costner
and christine baumgartner

Got divorced and it was gnarly.

So, according to their prenup,

She had to vacate
the family home.

She did not vacate
the family home.

She stayed on.

They were fighting
over child support.

Originally, she wanted
$248,000 from him.

-A month.
-She got $63,000 a month
in child support,

Which she said
is not enough to live on.

So it kind of raises something.

That, um,
so she signed a prenup,

But she challenged it.

And what we've seen this year,

It seems like almost
in every high profile divorce,

The side that the prenup doesn't
favor, they challenge it.

And then what happens
is the other person

Will just pay
more money to end it, so...

I mean, that's just
weird to me to begin with.

But of course,
when I got married,

We didn't have anything,
so it didn't matter.

Well, when you have
what kevin costner has, I mean,

I would want
to protect that too.

I know, but kevin had
to give away

$80 million his first divorce,

And then he had
to give away even more this--

-How rich is he?
-Kevin, stop getting married!

[all laugh]

[narrator] and now the couple

We didn't see coming in 2023.

Kylothée! Or is it tylie?

Or kylamet? Whatever.

It's kylie jenner
and timothée chalamet,

And they're totally hooking up.

-Oh, I know.
-[all laugh]

What do you think about this?

I think that's
a business move, personally.

-Me too.
-Wait, for who? For who?

-For both of them.
-[narrator] yes.

Maybe timothée wants brighter,

Juicier lips in dune 3,

And he knows exactly
where to get that from.

Kidding, because it seems like

The only business
they're in together

Is the business of making out.

And business is good.

They took so long to, like,
hard launch this thing.

They were moving
in the shadows for, like,
six months, secretly dating.

-Moving in the shadows?
-I don't know.

[narrator] her range rover
was parked in his driveway.

They weren't hiding in a sewer,
plotting a murder together.

But, yeah, it was all hush-hush
until the beyoncé concert

Where they laid on the pda,

And then they were serving up
kisses at the us open.

I mean, is it
a real relationship

Or is it just, like, for show?

I don't know.
Whenever I date somebody,

It's a business move to me.

My vagina is a home.

[all laugh]

You got to have
a good credit score

And an ein number
to be over here.

[all laugh]

I want to grow as an individual.

I want to be able to be with
somebody I can learn from.

Maybe she can learn
a lot from him.

[doucette] yeah, but it's just

So different from her exes.

Just like, timothée chalamet's
like this

Small white guy,
and she was dating tyga

And travis scott.

They have the same body type.

So she went from brown sugar
to white sugar.

-Man, kylie got that pipe.
-[all laugh]

[narrator]
anyway, kylie and timothée

Seem very happy together,
and it looks like

They're building
a great business,

Whatever that means.

The way I was taught growing up

Is when you get married,
it's like two companies

Coming together
to build something stronger.

You're producing wonderful,
awesome human beings.

-Little franchises.
-Yeah, they're your franchises.

When do you invite
the employees and customers in?

"it's ladies' night.
It's ladies' night."

And then
that's how you get banned
from the business, playa.

[narrator]
so good luck, kylothée.

Okay, that really doesn't work,

But we'll come up
with something.

Bye.

This is a year proving
that you're never too old
to become a dad,

Because al pacino
and robert de niro

Both have kids with their much,
much younger partners.

But I'm like, the one is 79

And al pacino's 83.

To become a new dad
all over again,

You don't want that,
like, you can't.

Like, why didn't they have
vasectomies?

Much younger women,
they get pregnant.

But is it worth the cost
to date that much younger?

-100%.
-Really?

What about the kids
is what I think.

-It's not fair to the kids.
-Why?

'cause no one wants
an old parent.

You can't be in high school
with an old dad.

As you know,
I've never been married

And never wanted kids.

Do you want to get married?

Wouldn't I have done it
by now if I did?

All right. Fair.
Maybe you just haven't met
the right person.

I did, and many times.

I just
don't understand marriage.

What don't you like about it?

He wanted to be happy. Yeah.

[all laugh]

Why do you blow it now
in the ninth inning, dude?

Well, let's say
the seventh inning.

Okay, we're not
in the ninth inning.

Harvey and I are not
in the ninth inning, okay?

The biggest combat sports event
of 2023 never happened.

Mark zuckerberg
versus elon musk,
the billionaire brawl.

So back in June,
mark zuckerberg and elon musk
were going back and forth.

Musk said,
"let's settle it in the cage."

Dana white got involved.

We had the roman colosseum

Saying they were interested
in hosting it.

But then fast forward to August,
fight never happened.

Yeah, I mean, look,
zuck actually trains.

Zuck would kick his ass.
Mark knows how to fight.

Elon knows
how to eat a hamburger.

-[all exclaim]
-oh, wow.

Sounds like
you're trying to fight elon.

No, I'm not gonna fight.
Oh, I'm a lover.

-I'm not a fighter, right?
-Okay.

So it used to be billionaires

Were kind of paunchy
and whatnot.

Now you got jeff bezos,
mark zuckerberg, you got you.

-All these guys are in shape.
-They got money.

[levin] yeah, but warren
buffett's not going to the gym.

-Yeah, he's 95 years old.
-Well.

You know what,
I've gone to lunch with
warren buffett multiple times,

And each and every time
we've gone to dairy queen.

-Do you make him pay?
-We take turns.

We take turns
buying the dairy queen.

"all right,
I'll buy this dairy queen.

You buy the next one."

[narrator] coming up.

Great year for usher
and his residency in las vegas.

A lot of people,
a lot of celebrities came out.

-Yourself.
-Yeah.

I mean,
you've seen him up close.

Does he have that magic?

-Oh.
-Yes. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I mean, when I was there,
I had to get my phone out

And just zoom in on his chest.

I said, "he took his shirt off.
Get that. Get that."

[all laugh]

[narrator] plus.

Gwyneth paltrow was sued

By an optometrist
by the name of terry sanderson.

He claimed
that gwyneth ran into him

From behind on the ski slope.

Shaq, are you a skier?

No. Black people don't ski.

-Charles does.
-Charles does.

Show me your form right now.

You have to have poles, shaq.

-It's very simple.
-You don't need poles.

For example, they say,
"shoot a free throw."

-Right.
-I'll show you the form.

You want
to bring up free throws?

[all laugh]

[upbeat music playing]

[narrator] and now,

The biggest
chick magnet of 2023.

Sure, he's got the super bowl
halftime show coming next year,

But 2023 wasn't too bad
for usher either.

Great year for usher
and his residency in las vegas.

A lot of people,
a lot of celebrities came out.

[narrator]
especially of the lady kind.

Zendaya. Issa rae.

-Her.
-[usher singing]

I had to get my phone out
and just zoom in on his chest.

I said, "he took his shirt off.
Get that, get that, get that."

Although it did cause
a little drama
in a couple relationships,

Specifically when
he had keke palmer on stage

And serenaded her.

[narrator] sure,
keke had a blast,

But her baby daddy,
darius jackson, wasn't a fan,

Posting, "it's the outfit, tho.
You a mom."

Which spurned some major drama

That resulted
in them breaking up,

Followed by custody issues,

Allegations of abuse.

It was a whole thing.

And then kim kardashian
came on stage,

And there was word that
usher's girlfriend was jealous.

[narrator] usher said it was
all blown out of proportion,

And his show was just
about having a good time.

His show is so amazing.

I cannot wait to see it
at the super bowl,

Because I know
it's going to be phenomenal.

This man
is an excellent performer.

Outstanding. I think it was
almost better than beyoncé's.

[all exclaiming]

-What?
-[narrator] uh-oh.
They're coming.

Get your epipens ready,
everyone.

But maybe that's because
he's a man and I'm into men.

Was it your first time
seeing him?

-No, I've been several times.
-[all laughing]

[narrator] so we can't wait to
see your halftime show, usher.

We're all big fans.

Well, maybe not
keke palmer's ex,

But everyone else
is pretty excited.

See you at the super bowl.

So I think
the whitest moment of 2023,

Gwyneth paltrow
was sued by an optometrist

By the name of terry sanderson.

He claimed that gwyneth
ran into him from behind

On the ski slopes
in deer valley a few years ago.

So he sued her.

He said he suffered
all sorts of injuries so severe,

He said it forever impacted
his ability to go wine tasting.

-[all laughing]
-he sued her over that?

Yeah, and she
actually countersued,

Claiming that he was the one
who came up from behind her

And she felt his skis slide
between her legs on the slope.

And then she said
it was so upsetting to her

That it ruined
their family day of skiing.

-Shaq, are you a skier?
-No. Black people don't ski.

-[haddish] charles does.
-[richards] charles does.

There's a whole association.
You got to come out.

Show me your form right now.

-Yeah, you show me right here.
-You have to have poles, shaq,
it's very simple.

You don't need poles.
For example, they say,
"shoot a free throw."

-I'll show you the form.
-You want to bring up
free throws?

[all laughing]

[all cheering]

-No, no. Show me your form.
-It's very simple.

Knees together, right?

[upbeat music playing]

Do it again. Do it again.

Again. Again.

Faster. Faster.

Again. Faster. Faster.
Yeah, yeah, okay.

Yeah, okay. Go on.
Okay. He skis.

Congresswoman lauren boebert
landed on the naughty list
this year.

She got roped
into a groping scandal.

She was on a date in denver.

They were watching beetlejuice,
the live play version,

And they started getting
hot and heavy in their seats.

They were fooling around.

And apparently,
she was also getting very rowdy,

Smoking a vape,
making a big scene.

But the best part is
that she owned it.

We talked to her in dc
after the fact.

You know, I'm taking
responsibility for my actions.

I would love to know
how the musical ended.

Once the video came out,
'cause she lied about it
at first.

She said, "oh,
I wasn't vaping in the theater.
I would never do that."

But she also said
it was a first date.

She said she didn't know
he was a democrat.

"it's just our first date."

I learned to check
party affiliations

Before you go on a date.

Well, I'm of two minds on this.

On the one hand, if a woman
grabs my johnson in the theater,

-I'm kind of good with that.
-[all laughing]

Like, this is going to save us
a lot of time for later.

The other hand,
what I don't like is

That she says, "in the future,
I will check and see

What the party affiliation
of my dates are."

What this country
has to do to heal
is to mingle with each other,

To talk to the people who you
don't agree with politically.

In other words, you need
to reach around the aisle.

-[all laughing]
-is that what you're saying?

-Geez, charles.
-Just for unity.

Just for unity is all I meant.

[narrator] coming up.

Kim kardashian got
into acting this year.

She got a role
on american horror story.

So she started in reality tv

And then got into acting,
and you did the opposite.

So what do you think
is kind of harder to do?

Being an actor
who went reality was weird,
like a fish out of water.

I did not know what I was doing.
And when denise richards
came on the housewives,

She kept looking
for craft services,

And we're like,
"this is a reality show."

[narrator] plus...

2023 was the year

Of the celebrity memoir,

But the biggest
was jada pinkett smith.

She said when the slap
occurred at the oscars,

She'd already been separated
from will smith
for several years,

When will said, "keep my wife's
name out of your mouth."

She was, like,
not surprised about the slap.

She was surprised,
"he called me 'my wife'?"

[all laughing]

[upbeat music playing]

[sleigh bells jingling]

[narrator] and now
the most disappointing premiere

In all of show business in 2023.

The most disappointing premiere

In all of show business
this year.

Aaron rodgers,
just four plays into his debut

For the new york jets,

Tears his achilles tendon.

-That's brutal.
-[narrator] for aaron
and the fans.

Just like that the jets
went from super bowl contenders

To not even favorites to win
the local pop warner league.

But this can be
a christmas miracle.

He says he's going to come back

And possibly this season
if the jets make the playoffs.

[narrator] that's great news,

Right, owner of
a professional sports team?

I've had guys on the mavs
who have torn their achilles.

You're not coming back
in a year,

You're not coming back
in six months,

And you're not right
for at least 12 to 18 months.

[narrator] well, that's okay.
Jets fans are used to getting
their hopes up for nothing.

But do your guys use crystals?

Because aaron rodgers
has a magic crystal

That he bought here
in central california.

-Oh, then I take it all back.
-Yeah. See? All right.

Magic crystal. Bam. Let's go.

[narrator] yes. Magic crystals.

Just place one
directly on your ankle

And watch your achilles heal
in a matter of weeks.

From scammo.

Okay, suppose the jets
go to the super bowl, okay?

And aaron rodgers has the choice
of taking the chance

And really
messing his leg up again

Or just sitting it out,

Knowing that
he may never play again

Because time passes
and things happen.

-Should you go for it?
-So there's two questions there,
harvey, right?

One, should he go for it?
And two,
should they let him go for it?

Because if they're
in the super bowl,

Somebody's playing quarterback
and playing it right.

And so more often than not,

They're going to say,
"aaron, you can dress

And be ready if
the number one guy gets hurt,"

But I don't
think they'd start him.

[narrator] but the question
on everyone's mind...

But does aaron rodgers
is sitting around doing
ayahuasca and drugs

Since he's like, injured
because you don't
get drug tested, right?

He's got a rehab, rehab
is worse than not rehab, right?

He says he's rehabbing,
like, five hours a day.

Courtney just wants to know
if you can do drugs

And work out at the same time.

-Harvey?
-[all laughing]

Yeah, they have
the same hgh guy.

[narrator] good luck, aaron.
We'll see you soon.

How soon depends on how well
that magic crystal works.

So kim kardashian
got into acting this year.

She got a role
on american horror story.

She plays a publicist.

-Did you see it by chance?
-I did not.

She got some positive,
some negative reviews.

I mean, she's always going
to have some haters or whatever.

But what's interesting is,
so she started in reality tv

And then got into acting,
and you did the opposite.

So what do you think
is kind of harder to do?

I would think if
you've never acted in real life,
that would be difficult.

Being an actor
and going to reality
was weird because--

Like a fish out of water,
I did not know what I was doing.

And when denise richards
came on the housewives,

She kept looking
for craft services,

And we're like,
"this is a reality show."

Well, what's better,
being a reality star or actress?

For me personally, an actress,

Because you get to leave your
character at the end of the day
and go home.

You've done a bunch
of movies and tv shows.

She now has done
american horror story,

And the hollywood chamber
of commerce has said,

"we will not give her
a star on the walk of fame

Because she's just
a reality star."

So now that she's got one show,

Is that enough to get a star
on the walk of fame?

You have to have more credits
of acting to get that.

-How many?
-I mean,
I don't work there, harvey,

-But I'm going to look into it.
-[all laughing]

I would actually qualify
with my amount of credits,

-But I have not been nominated.
-You want a star?

I mean, if they asked me,
I wouldn't turn it down.

75,000 bucks.

[cuban] I'll take three.

[all laughing]

Jay-z and beyoncé had a big
year, record breaking year.

They bought the most expensive
house in california history.

It's a 30,000-square-foot,
all-concrete house in malibu.

They paid $200 million for it.

-Oh, my gosh.
-Have you been to that house?

Funny enough,
I do run by their house.

-Do you know them?
-I have met her.

And she was extremely,
extremely sweet and lovely.

-Is she a housewives fan?
-Who isn't?

-I know rihanna is.
-You need
to get rihanna on an episode.

She's not a housewife,
but she's like a real housewife
right now with the kids.

-Housewife
doesn't mean not working.
-Exactly.

They're all working.
They're all not married
too, by the way.

-Wait, what?
-[all laughing]

It must be so weird that
you see these huge celebrities

-And they fangirl out on you.
-It's pretty crazy.

Like, when lady gaga asked,
and she wanted me in her video,
that was exciting.

Jennifer lawrence
watches the show religiously.

She has a lot
in common with harvey.

-Kyle and I go way back.
-Way back.

I have pictures of you
with my mom at chase's.

I remember that night.

Whoa.

-[all laughing]
-no. No. No, no.

I don't remember that night.

All right.

-No.
-Oh, my gosh.

[narrator] and now the most
conspiratorial conspiracy

Of 2023.

So it was the year of ufos.

-Yes.
-Ufo congress hearings.

There was talks of murder
that covered up alien sightings.

[narrator]
and the most recent discovery,
the mexican government

Showing what they thought
were alien corpses.

Ay, caramba, dios mio.

Well, that part of it is silly,

But the general
idea of it is not.

What we have to understand

Is that there's nothing
scientific about the idea

That we are
not alone in the universe.

And as we see
more of these photos

From us military people,
these are not crazy people.

[narrator] definitely not.

They clearly have seen
some unexplainable things.

They definitely see things
that they don't know what it is.

There are
unidentified flying objects,

But that doesn't mean
aliens are here.

It doesn't mean it.
I'm not saying it is.

If you had to posit, though,
do you think

That extraterrestrial life
has come to this planet

And we just
don't know about it yet?

Or do you think
it hasn't happened?

It could be both.
I mean, yes, absolutely.

[narrator] but why would
aliens come all this way

Just to fly around
with navy pilots?

We should be very thankful
that what they're doing

Is just observing us,
if that's what's going on,

It's not going on.
None of it's real, bill.

I hate to be
the bearer of bad news.

-Do you know what this is?
It's fear.
-Yes.

It is fear
that there might be somebody

More advanced than us
that could overtake us.

[narrator]
not sure how scared people are.

The only thing they've
really done is ruin our corn.

I'm saying
is not unscientific to admit
that it is a possibility,

Because at some point
they might say, "you know what?

We've been looking
at you people,

And you're a bunch of [bleep],

And you are
destroying this planet,
and we might need it someday.

So, look, we're just going
to go in a different direction,

And we're going
to have to wipe you out."

Or it could be all
just a bunch of bs

That's used by the government

To prevent us
from knowing the real truth

And from making us
not focus on the real issues.

What real issues
is it distracting us from?

From climate change,
from poverty,

From the wealth
and equality gap.

Like, we'd be talking
about that if it wasn't
for the ufos? Please.

We'd be talking
about gigi hadid.

[narrator]
which is a distraction
created by the government

To stop us
from talking about ufos

Being a distraction from us
talking about the real issues.

Thanks, aliens,
for not destroying us yet.

I'll give anybody $1,000
if you know my name right now.

[all] shaquille o'neill.

Nope. The black harvey levin.

[all exclaiming]

So 2023 was the year
of the celebrity memoir,

But the biggest
was jada pinkett smith.

She said when the slap
occurred at the oscars,

She'd already been separated
from will smith
for several years

When will said, "keep my wife's
name out of your mouth."

She was, like,
not surprised about the slap.

She was surprised,
"he called me 'my wife'?"

[neff] if they're separated,

Do you think
he can still call her his wife?

Yes, 'cause I've been divorced,

And the divorce ain't final
until the divorce is final.

-There you go.
-You seem a little bit
bitter about it.

Well, I'm sad,
but I'm not bitter about it.

I feel like it's
'cause of the money.

You got it.

[all laughing]

Actually, what do
you think about, like,

Celebrities
spilling their life story

With all these
other people attached?

Kerry washington said that
her father was not her father.

-They had used a sperm donor.
-I know who her father is.

-Her biological father?
-Yes.

[sullivan] who is it?

[all laughing]

-I mean...
-Look at him.

You think he would have a
daughter that looked that good?

-Yes, he would. Look at him.
-Wow.

You are the father, charles.

[narrator] coming up.

So we saw a big time covid
couple crumble this year.

Ariana grande and dalton gomez.

They were married.
They filed for divorce.

But she's got
a new boyfriend already.

Of course she does.
She's beautiful.

She's dating spongebob.

He was the star
on the broadway spongebob show.

[narrator] plus, it's the most
wonderful time of the year

With a musical performance
from gavin degraw.

♪ there'll be
scary ghost stories ♪

♪ and tales of the glories ♪

♪ of christmases
long, long ago ♪

[all cheering]

[upbeat music playing]

[sleigh bells jingling]

[narrator] and now the biggest
big business fail of the year...

Goes to anheuser-busch

For their handling of
the whole dylan mulvaney saga.

They got her to do, like,

A little video
for her instagram.

This month I celebrated
my day 365 of womanhood,

And bud light sent me
possibly the best gift ever,

A can with my face on it.

I find her adorable.
I can't help it.

She's just always so happy
about what she's doing.

[narrator]
you know who wasn't happy?

Kid rock, who chose
to express his dismay...

By murdering innocent,
defenseless beer.

[bleep] bud light.
[bleep] anheuser-busch.

Everyone from the right,

Which, turns out,
is most of bud light's drinkers

Came for them.

And because they didn't defend
dylan against the haters,

They got hate
from the other side, too.

-They lost about nearly
$40 billion that quarter.
-Really? 40 billion.

[narrator] eventually, kid rock
did drink bud light again.

So for good or bad,
nice to see a man

Stand by his convictions
for ten minutes.

Anyway, bud light does a whole
bunch of marketing campaigns,

So why the big deal
with this one?

I think it's great
we live in a time

That trans people
can be who they are

And that they should be
protected and respected.

I think part of america feels

You're just shoving
a lot of this down our throat.

To a lot of the country,
it looks like

We're spending an awful lot
of time talking about people

Who are just a small part
of the population.

It may be a small group,

But the hatred toward that group

Is really alarming.

I don't know if it's all hatred,

I just think it's a reaction
to so much change.

[narrator] in any event, bud
light's position seems clear.

No matter who you are,
no matter how you dress

Or who you love,
drink more bud light.

I mean, there was a positive--
there was a discount on it.

So, like, you could buy
bud light for super cheap.

And here's where we do
"you drink too much" jokes.

[narrator]
so merry christmas to all and...

-Have a terrific day.
-Love ya. Cheers.

So we saw a big time
covid couple crumble this year.

Ariana grande and dalton gomez.

They were married.
They filed for divorce.

And they were
one of those first couples

That we kind of learned about
had met each other during covid

'cause they were
locked in together,
and it just didn't work out.

-Why didn't it work out?
Bad business.
-Well--

He made off okay though,

Because in
this divorce settlement,

She wrote him a check
for $1.25 million tax free,

He gets half the profit
from their house,

And she paid for some
of his lawyer fees too.

But why it didn't work out
is really interesting

Because it was
just the two of them,

And they couldn't interact
with anybody else in the world.

They were quarantined.

They seemed to have
so much in common,

And as soon as life opened up,
it just blew apart.

-Yeah, I know how that goes.
-[all laughing]

More options, more abilities
to expand your business.

I guess some people are selfish.

But she's got
a new boyfriend already.

Of course she does.
She's beautiful.

She's dating spongebob.

He was the star
on the broadway spongebob show.

That face was priceless.

[neff]
your reaction says it all.

His name is ethan slater.

He's a very successful
live actor on broadway shows.

He has a tony nomination.

But she's gotten a lot of heat

Because it's not
her normal boyfriend.

[haddish]
I actually like him a lot.

I went and saw spongebob,

And my confusion on my face

Was a little bit
of jealousy maybe,

Because I thought
he was amazing.

And when I was younger,
in the early 2000s,

I used to have fantasies
of hooking up with spongebob.

I like the voice,
and I like his positivity.

You think that's a sexy voice?

-I thought
that voice was sexy, man.
-That is odd.

You are also talking to a person

Who thought steve urkel
was the sexiest man alive
because he had his own cereal.

He had his own cereal.
He had his own doll
and his own board game.

And the only other
black person I know
that ever had that was mr. T.

But I also like spongebob

Because he was positive
he had that can-do attitude.

-That's the kind of man I want.
-He was a sponge.

I know, absorbing everything
I had to offer.

[all exclaiming]

[narrator] coming up.

-You got a christmas album?
-I do.

-[levin]
so these are all classics?
-[degraw] yes, they are. Yeah.

-So I had an idea.
-Yes.

One christmas tree hill.

-What do you think?
-Oh, god.

-Oh, boy.
-We'll workshop it.

We'll workshop
that one for sure.

[upbeat music playing]

[sleigh bells jingling]

Merry elfin' christmas.

Hello. What's up?

Hi. Good to see you.

-[all cheering]
-feeling the love.

-Okay, down to business.
-Yes.

-You got a christmas album?
-I do.

-[levin]
so these are all classics?
-[degraw] yes, they are. Yeah.

-So I had an idea.
-Yes.

One christmas tree hill.

-What do you think?
-Oh, god.

-Oh, boy.
-We'll workshop it.

We'll workshop
that one for sure.

Actually, I want to know,
why the classics?

'cause they're better, you know?
I just like old-school music.

-It makes me feel
like I'm a kid again.
-So, what are you going to sing?

I'm going to do. "most
wonderful time of the year."

-Okay, we are ready.
-Oh, is it showtime?

-Yes, it's showtime.
-All right. Here we go.

-Are you ready?
-[all cheering]

♪ it's the most
wonderful time of the year ♪

Yeah.

♪ with the kids jingle belling ♪

♪ and everyone telling you
be of good cheer ♪

♪ it's the most
wonderful time of the year ♪

♪ with those holiday greetings ♪

♪ and gay, happy meetings
when friends come to call ♪

♪ it's the hap-happiest
season of all ♪

♪ there'll be parties
for hosting ♪

♪ marshmallows for toasting ♪

♪ and caroling out in the snow ♪

♪ there'll be
scary ghost stories ♪

♪ and tales of the glories ♪

♪ of christmases
long, long ago ♪

♪ oh ♪

♪ it's the most
wonderful time of the year ♪

♪ there'll be much mistltoeing ♪

♪ and hearts will be glowing ♪

♪ when loved ones are near ♪

♪ it's the most wonderful time ♪

♪ oh, the most wonderful time ♪

♪ oh, the most
wonderful time of the year ♪

Merry elfin' christmas.