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it's 35 16 go ahead control
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copy that 76 monument road i'm code 2 35
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16 out
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[Music]
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excuse me ma'am what oh
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sorry what can i do for you we got a
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report of what
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sounded like gunshots coming from this
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residence really
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yes is there a problem
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no other than the fact that i have an
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idiot son
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everything's fine
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look this is gonna sound stupid but here
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it is i was upstairs and i heard what i
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thought were gunshots coming from down
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here
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i come running down and i see my idiot
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son and his idiot friends pounding on
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some bullets with a hammer
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you're kidding me now do you ever hear
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of anything so dumb no
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that's a first lucky they didn't kill
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themselves you're telling me i wanted to
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strangle every one of the little
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bastards
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is your son here now no when i saw what
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they were doing i went into a screaming
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fit and told them to get out of my house
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they all took off on their bikes
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somewhere they're probably at the
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woodley place down the road
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your guns in the house i take it i have
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a gun
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but i keep it locked up so i can avoid
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situations like this
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i didn't lock up the ammunition because
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i didn't think i had to
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i figured you know how dangerous can a
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bullet be if they don't have a gun to
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put it in
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so it's [ __ ] me it's not to
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idiot-proof the ammunition
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which completely defeats the purpose for
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having a gun for home defense
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if someone broke in i'd be raped stabbed
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and bludgeoned before i can
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get my key on those trigger box
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well all right that's all it is i'll be
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on my way and i know i keep calling my
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son an idiot but
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i'm just exaggerating he's a smart kid
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just does really
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stupid [ __ ] sometimes
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and i guess i could take him to a shrink
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and they could give him some fancy name
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for it like
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autism or asperger's or adhd
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i guess i could pump him full of ritalin
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turn him into some brain dead zombie
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you know when all is said and done i'd
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rather have a kid that
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is a pain in the ass but has some
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personality
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instead of some mindless robot
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besides who might even do something like
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that just to make my life a little
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easier
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that's the mark of a weakling can't
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handle the [ __ ] life deals out
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i understand you know i have two of my
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own the thing is his father died last
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year of cancer and
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i know that's affected him not to
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mention when it's done to me
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my head is like a pinball machine 24
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hours a day
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my brother tried to set me up on a date
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last week
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i even know how to date anymore half the
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time i
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think i never want to see a penis again
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and the other half i'm so horny i can
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hump the doorknob
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guess i went a little far on that one
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huh
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a little bit don't worry about it
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i just wish things were easier
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i don't know maybe i'm part of the
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problem
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maybe i'm making things harder than they
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have to be
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maybe i should stop punishing myself for
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past mistakes by denying me what would
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make me happy right now
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maybe that's just the thing exist for
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the right now
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what do you think about that
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not to break the mood but do you have
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any condoms
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no but i've had a vasectomy that worked
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definitely any disease things we need to
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work around
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no no no clean
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that's out of the way
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oh [ __ ] have i missed that
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oh you feel good smell
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no i need room to do my thing
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oh wow
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well hey if you don't slaughter i'm
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gonna finish before i get started
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come on
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four
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what i just want to take a mental
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snapshot
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you're [ __ ] beautiful
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floor
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you went top or bottom top
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okay yeah i'm good
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kiss me
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oh
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if you lay on your back i can finish you
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off with my hand does that work
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okay yeah
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no just keep doing what you're doing
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easy slower oh
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okay now just stop it just leave your
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hand there
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oh my god
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[Music]
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everything's back in focus
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by the way shelby
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bruce that's a good group you got to
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thanks
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he's one of those uh squeezy thingies
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i don't know what the technical name for
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it is actually i think squeezy thingy
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is a technical name for her wise ass
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apologies about the quick finish by the
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way
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there's not been that turned on in a
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while ah well
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at least you were gentlemanly enough not
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to just roll over and go to sleep
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i'll make it up to you round two oh
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round two mr big talker
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you think you got round two in you if
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you give me some recharge time i do
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do you have to worry about your sub
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coming home oh
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no he knows to stay away for a bit after
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one of my rampages
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we've got a couple of hours at least do
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we need to worry about you calling into
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work
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actually yeah we do need to worry about
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that
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i guess i could call in sick on my radio
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i mean that is if you even want me to
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stay
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i won't take it personal if you don't i
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mean
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do you want to stay i mean
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it's your place i don't want to wear out
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my welcome
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all right uh no more wishy-washy stuff
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from now on total honesty zone yeah i
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want you to stay yeah i want to stay too
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okay good that's settled
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all right now i just need to get up what
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you want to do right now
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no no i'm not i think you done drained
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all the strength from my legs
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all right let me get up this time for
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real
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here we go i'll be right back
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i'll be waiting
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hi judith shelby hi uh does josh happen
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to be over there
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okay uh good um look i've got kind of a
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big favor to ask i had a little bit of a
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meltdown with them earlier
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i could really use the night to myself
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uh would it be okay if you stayed over
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with you tonight
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yeah i'll call you in the morning before
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i come pick him up
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okay thanks i really appreciate it
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okay bye
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all right officially sick
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and i just called my friend and she's
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gonna let my son stay over so
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my night's free and you can stay as long
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as you want okay
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sounds great good
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so we've dealt with my kids situation
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and your work situation
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just leaves one more situation left
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you want to talk about it nope
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okay allow me to fix the problem
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all fixed just like that huh
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just like that as long as you're on
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these premises
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you belong to me so
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what do you want to do now
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uh i got a trail that goes out to abbott
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pond
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want to go for a hike all right
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all right all right
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come on where's the enthusiasm nature
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hike
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[Music]
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get dressed you're a little weird only a
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little
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i must be slipping normally i reside
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somewhere between a high 7.8 low 8.3 on
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the weirdness scale
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occasional bump up to an 8.4 when i'm in
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a really rowdy mood
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you're a little weird you talk a lot
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yeah well you barely talk at all so
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it evens us out you say so
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i do
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what nothing it's just
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after seeing naked seems like a shame to
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cover up that body with clothes
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shut up is that a blush i see on miss
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[Music]
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shelby
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[Music]
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[Music]
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[Music]
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that was the first lull in our
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conversation
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i don't feel too bad most people have
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the small talk before
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the mind willing sex so you do it in
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reverse it's bound to be a little bit
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awkward
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i guess
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when in doubt make body contact
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words to live by
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[Music]
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this is nice i know right
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come on i want to show you something
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[Music]
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so we had a beaver problem a while back
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they were total pain in the ass but
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look how precise their work was
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oh come down look all right
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look every tooth mark is like a perfect
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little hatchet strike
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think about how much time and patience
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it would take to bring down a whole tree
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bite by bite
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come on i want to show you something
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else
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okay so this is something i do with my
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phone
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close your eyes
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all right and don't answer right away
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take a couple moments and clear your
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mind
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and then tell me how many different
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sounds you can hear
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okay
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all right here we go um
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the wind blowing through the leaves
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a bird
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um the water lapping against the shore
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different bird
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some kids playing at a house across the
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pond
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airplane in the distance
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that's about it that's good
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that's six right off the top of your
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head
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it's good to clear your mind just focus
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every once in a while
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it was the world's just one big loud
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jumble of noise
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close your eyes again
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so have you always wanted to be a cop
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hell no
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no until a few years ago i was a
286
00:22:10,380 --> 00:22:15,899
musician really what instrument
287
00:22:13,180 --> 00:22:17,100
i played guitar in a classic country
288
00:22:15,899 --> 00:22:21,980
cover band called whiskey
289
00:22:17,100 --> 00:22:21,980
river what made you quit
290
00:22:23,580 --> 00:22:27,259
it wasn't any one big tragic event it's
291
00:22:25,580 --> 00:22:29,420
just
292
00:22:27,259 --> 00:22:30,700
too many years of good but not good
293
00:22:29,420 --> 00:22:33,259
enough
294
00:22:30,700 --> 00:22:34,540
you know looking back i don't know if it
295
00:22:33,259 --> 00:22:37,899
was
296
00:22:34,540 --> 00:22:40,860
like a talent a lack of luck
297
00:22:37,899 --> 00:22:42,540
i always heard you made your own luck
298
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:45,580
you know who says that
299
00:22:42,540 --> 00:22:47,500
lucky people trust me
300
00:22:45,580 --> 00:22:49,420
from what i've seen in my own life and
301
00:22:47,500 --> 00:22:51,659
my current job bad luck
302
00:22:49,420 --> 00:22:53,259
is a living breathing animal if it gets
303
00:22:51,659 --> 00:22:57,180
its hooks in you
304
00:22:53,259 --> 00:23:00,940
can hold on for years if it chooses to
305
00:22:57,180 --> 00:23:00,940
i guess
306
00:23:01,019 --> 00:23:04,220
so classic country is that like garth
307
00:23:03,659 --> 00:23:07,820
brooks
308
00:23:04,220 --> 00:23:10,220
oh what [ __ ] garth brooks
309
00:23:07,820 --> 00:23:12,540
while we're at it [ __ ] tim mcgraw and
310
00:23:10,220 --> 00:23:15,899
[ __ ] faith hill too
311
00:23:12,540 --> 00:23:19,980
i'm talking willy whalen johnny
312
00:23:15,899 --> 00:23:25,019
don williams tom t hall
313
00:23:19,980 --> 00:23:27,820
not this pop music with a country twang
314
00:23:25,019 --> 00:23:29,100
[ __ ] that they make today now country
315
00:23:27,820 --> 00:23:31,659
music
316
00:23:29,100 --> 00:23:33,740
used to be about the working class and
317
00:23:31,659 --> 00:23:36,940
what the working class really was
318
00:23:33,740 --> 00:23:38,860
you know alcoholism adultery
319
00:23:36,940 --> 00:23:40,300
distracting yourself from small town
320
00:23:38,860 --> 00:23:43,259
boredom with
321
00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:44,700
destructive habits and now it's just
322
00:23:43,259 --> 00:23:45,500
about what the working class wants to
323
00:23:44,700 --> 00:23:48,540
see themselves
324
00:23:45,500 --> 00:23:50,139
as you know i love my wife and i want to
325
00:23:48,540 --> 00:23:51,899
sit on my porch with her and
326
00:23:50,139 --> 00:23:54,540
support the troops and read the bible
327
00:23:51,899 --> 00:24:00,779
and watch old glory wave in the breeze
328
00:23:54,540 --> 00:24:00,779
[ __ ] that but taylor swift is good right
329
00:24:01,420 --> 00:24:10,940
you're lucky you're cute i really kind
330
00:24:03,580 --> 00:24:10,940
of am
331
00:24:16,940 --> 00:24:22,220
so what do you do shelby well g bruce
332
00:24:19,980 --> 00:24:25,659
thanks for asking
333
00:24:22,220 --> 00:24:27,100
sorry my small talk skills are kind of
334
00:24:25,659 --> 00:24:29,580
rusty so
335
00:24:27,100 --> 00:24:32,060
what do you do shelby well cheap bruce
336
00:24:29,580 --> 00:24:34,700
thanks for asking
337
00:24:32,060 --> 00:24:35,899
uh i work at pendleton plastics how do
338
00:24:34,700 --> 00:24:38,460
you like that
339
00:24:35,899 --> 00:24:40,379
well i don't hate it which at this stage
340
00:24:38,460 --> 00:24:42,379
in the game is kind of an accomplishment
341
00:24:40,379 --> 00:24:45,019
but there's a sort of poetry in any job
342
00:24:42,379 --> 00:24:45,019
if you look for it
343
00:24:45,980 --> 00:24:51,740
is poetry and a factor y'all sure
344
00:24:49,899 --> 00:24:54,300
like the mom who works four overtime
345
00:24:51,740 --> 00:24:56,700
shifts to buy her kid an xbox
346
00:24:54,300 --> 00:24:58,540
or the fat old guy who plays nothing but
347
00:24:56,700 --> 00:24:59,259
love songs on his radio like what's his
348
00:24:58,540 --> 00:25:01,899
deal
349
00:24:59,259 --> 00:25:03,940
is he pining for a long lost love or is
350
00:25:01,899 --> 00:25:06,540
he waiting for a love that may never
351
00:25:03,940 --> 00:25:09,420
come
352
00:25:06,540 --> 00:25:10,940
i don't know my old man did that blue
353
00:25:09,420 --> 00:25:13,019
collar work for years and he never got
354
00:25:10,940 --> 00:25:16,220
any poetry out of it just
355
00:25:13,019 --> 00:25:17,899
a bad back and bad knees and a bad
356
00:25:16,220 --> 00:25:20,620
disposition
357
00:25:17,899 --> 00:25:22,060
well it's a matter of perspective i'll
358
00:25:20,620 --> 00:25:23,420
tell you many times in life
359
00:25:22,060 --> 00:25:26,460
perspective has saved me from the
360
00:25:23,420 --> 00:25:26,460
consequences oh
361
00:25:26,779 --> 00:25:33,100
what what happened what's the matter
362
00:25:30,300 --> 00:25:35,019
a bug flew in my mouth you should
363
00:25:33,100 --> 00:25:37,259
swallow it that's extra protein
364
00:25:35,019 --> 00:25:38,620
i could feel its wings on my tongue see
365
00:25:37,259 --> 00:25:39,899
that's what you get that's the country
366
00:25:38,620 --> 00:25:41,500
god's punishing you for your shitty
367
00:25:39,899 --> 00:25:48,940
taste in music
368
00:25:41,500 --> 00:25:48,940
here no look a bug breath
369
00:25:52,379 --> 00:26:02,940
looks delicious
370
00:26:28,379 --> 00:26:32,379
so what is the first thing we do when we
371
00:26:29,980 --> 00:26:35,899
get back from a nature height
372
00:26:32,379 --> 00:26:38,860
celebrate our daring pioneer spirit no
373
00:26:35,899 --> 00:26:40,060
take a check so they usually jump on
374
00:26:38,860 --> 00:26:44,940
your pant leg and work their way up
375
00:26:40,060 --> 00:26:44,940
so start there
376
00:26:48,540 --> 00:26:52,540
okay check my neck they can hide
377
00:26:51,180 --> 00:26:53,899
anywhere once i found one of the little
378
00:26:52,540 --> 00:26:56,779
[ __ ] in my ear
379
00:26:53,899 --> 00:26:58,620
nasty yeah tell me about it i thought i
380
00:26:56,779 --> 00:27:00,620
had a scab
381
00:26:58,620 --> 00:27:01,899
and so i went to go and pick it and it
382
00:27:00,620 --> 00:27:03,259
was one of those little [ __ ] i had to
383
00:27:01,899 --> 00:27:05,019
take like an hour long shower just to
384
00:27:03,259 --> 00:27:06,220
get the skeeve off but not before i
385
00:27:05,019 --> 00:27:06,540
smashed a little [ __ ] with a phone
386
00:27:06,220 --> 00:27:09,100
book
387
00:27:06,540 --> 00:27:10,460
stop using the word little what you're
388
00:27:09,100 --> 00:27:11,100
saying the word little too much you're
389
00:27:10,460 --> 00:27:13,180
using one
390
00:27:11,100 --> 00:27:14,300
certain adjective oh yeah well here's
391
00:27:13,180 --> 00:27:18,139
another one for you
392
00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:18,139
stupid that's you funny
393
00:27:18,460 --> 00:27:23,580
oh wait there's a tick where there oh
394
00:27:22,300 --> 00:27:25,340
giant when it's crawling right on your
395
00:27:23,580 --> 00:27:27,659
butt oh there's another one no there's
396
00:27:25,340 --> 00:27:29,259
not another one
397
00:27:27,659 --> 00:27:32,620
what the hell is that it's my karate
398
00:27:29,259 --> 00:27:36,300
chop pose that's what that is
399
00:27:32,620 --> 00:27:39,340
it's really intimidating you know it
400
00:27:36,300 --> 00:27:40,460
you want something to drink man it's a
401
00:27:39,340 --> 00:27:44,060
beat
402
00:27:40,460 --> 00:27:46,620
i want to play truth or dare oh fun
403
00:27:44,060 --> 00:27:48,139
i dare you to strip down naked and go
404
00:27:46,620 --> 00:27:50,940
out on your deck
405
00:27:48,139 --> 00:27:52,300
that's not the way it works you have to
406
00:27:50,940 --> 00:27:54,220
follow proper protocol
407
00:27:52,300 --> 00:27:55,740
you say truth or dare i choose then you
408
00:27:54,220 --> 00:27:56,700
give me a challenge that corresponds to
409
00:27:55,740 --> 00:28:00,940
said decision oh
410
00:27:56,700 --> 00:28:02,860
god all right uh truth or dare dare
411
00:28:00,940 --> 00:28:04,779
i dare you to strip down naked and go
412
00:28:02,860 --> 00:28:05,259
out on your deck see that wasn't so hard
413
00:28:04,779 --> 00:28:07,700
was it
414
00:28:05,259 --> 00:28:10,740
harder than it had to be
415
00:28:07,700 --> 00:28:10,740
[Music]
416
00:28:48,300 --> 00:28:56,139
impressed definitely okay
417
00:28:52,220 --> 00:28:57,659
your turn what no i can't take part in
418
00:28:56,139 --> 00:28:59,100
public nudity i'm a duly appointed
419
00:28:57,659 --> 00:29:00,300
officer of the law
420
00:28:59,100 --> 00:29:02,379
it sounds to me like you're a duly
421
00:29:00,300 --> 00:29:03,820
appointed officer of chicken [ __ ] oh
422
00:29:02,379 --> 00:29:05,820
is this how we're doing it now yeah
423
00:29:03,820 --> 00:29:07,340
that's how it is
424
00:29:05,820 --> 00:29:18,940
all right i guess i can't sit here and
425
00:29:07,340 --> 00:29:18,940
let my character be slandered
426
00:29:29,940 --> 00:29:46,940
hmm
427
00:29:32,139 --> 00:29:46,940
what's up
428
00:30:00,860 --> 00:30:07,580
how does it feel very free
429
00:30:04,940 --> 00:30:07,580
back to nature
430
00:30:10,060 --> 00:30:14,300
is this your first time with outdoor
431
00:30:11,700 --> 00:30:17,740
nudity yep
432
00:30:14,300 --> 00:30:21,019
ever yep
433
00:30:17,740 --> 00:30:27,580
you need to savor the moment
434
00:30:21,019 --> 00:30:31,899
hold on
435
00:30:27,580 --> 00:30:31,899
here help me lay this out
436
00:30:40,220 --> 00:30:56,940
sit where
437
00:30:43,659 --> 00:30:56,940
you're back to my chest ah gotcha
438
00:30:58,300 --> 00:31:10,940
good very good
439
00:31:21,940 --> 00:31:26,940
goosebumps
440
00:31:23,659 --> 00:31:26,940
what gets you going like that
441
00:31:27,820 --> 00:31:34,700
weird well now i have to know
442
00:31:32,060 --> 00:31:36,060
all right have you ever kissed someone
443
00:31:34,700 --> 00:31:37,100
and then they start to laugh right in
444
00:31:36,060 --> 00:31:38,460
the middle of it
445
00:31:37,100 --> 00:31:41,820
like when your lips are still pressed
446
00:31:38,460 --> 00:31:44,139
together yeah i guess
447
00:31:41,820 --> 00:31:45,340
for some reason when that happens it
448
00:31:44,139 --> 00:31:47,659
sends this
449
00:31:45,340 --> 00:31:49,259
vibration from my mouth right to my
450
00:31:47,659 --> 00:31:50,700
crotch
451
00:31:49,259 --> 00:31:52,940
all right well this i've got to see for
452
00:31:50,700 --> 00:31:52,940
myself
453
00:31:53,580 --> 00:32:05,420
okay i'm going to kiss you and when i do
454
00:31:57,740 --> 00:32:08,300
i want you to tickle my hair
455
00:32:05,420 --> 00:32:11,340
oh my god you're getting hard i told you
456
00:32:08,300 --> 00:32:11,340
oh you're so odd
457
00:32:17,940 --> 00:32:20,940
quiet
458
00:32:31,940 --> 00:32:34,940
um
459
00:32:45,940 --> 00:32:48,940
hmm
460
00:33:08,700 --> 00:33:16,940
that was a poet i'd write a sonnet to
461
00:33:10,460 --> 00:33:16,940
the majesty of this ass
462
00:33:27,259 --> 00:33:44,940
that's more like it
463
00:33:30,619 --> 00:33:44,940
might be like this
464
00:34:09,939 --> 00:34:12,939
ugh
465
00:34:37,939 --> 00:34:40,939
oh
466
00:34:52,540 --> 00:34:55,179
oh god
467
00:34:56,140 --> 00:34:58,939
all right you're back
468
00:35:06,459 --> 00:35:23,020
oh there's that good grip
469
00:35:21,740 --> 00:35:36,939
let me know when you're close i want you
470
00:35:23,020 --> 00:35:36,939
to come in my mouth
471
00:35:47,939 --> 00:35:50,939
um
472
00:36:01,939 --> 00:36:18,939
um uh
473
00:36:27,900 --> 00:36:32,939
well i don't know about you but i need
474
00:36:30,459 --> 00:36:32,939
to hydrate
475
00:36:34,300 --> 00:36:36,939
that behind you
476
00:36:38,380 --> 00:36:42,540
don't stay out too long i don't want
477
00:36:39,580 --> 00:36:42,540
your junk to get sunburned
478
00:36:43,939 --> 00:37:02,939
[ __ ] thought about that
479
00:36:59,740 --> 00:37:05,420
having fun under your statement of the
480
00:37:02,939 --> 00:37:05,420
century
481
00:37:07,020 --> 00:37:14,459
you ready for an odd compliment
482
00:37:10,060 --> 00:37:18,699
hit me you have the sexiest
483
00:37:14,459 --> 00:37:20,219
[ __ ] face i've ever seen really
484
00:37:18,699 --> 00:37:22,540
i try not to think about it while i'm
485
00:37:20,219 --> 00:37:24,699
[ __ ] i'm worried about
486
00:37:22,540 --> 00:37:26,219
looking goofy and get self-conscious oh
487
00:37:24,699 --> 00:37:27,740
the lack of self-consciousness is what
488
00:37:26,219 --> 00:37:29,660
makes it so hot
489
00:37:27,740 --> 00:37:30,939
that's why most porn does nothing for me
490
00:37:29,660 --> 00:37:32,780
most porn stars are
491
00:37:30,939 --> 00:37:33,980
so intent on looking flawlessly
492
00:37:32,780 --> 00:37:35,420
beautiful that
493
00:37:33,980 --> 00:37:37,179
they won't let their faces contort in
494
00:37:35,420 --> 00:37:37,900
any way that isn't stereotypically
495
00:37:37,179 --> 00:37:41,020
gorgeous
496
00:37:37,900 --> 00:37:42,380
and an orgasm face is not that so what
497
00:37:41,020 --> 00:37:44,860
you like the
498
00:37:42,380 --> 00:37:47,340
grit teeth scrunched facial muscles look
499
00:37:44,860 --> 00:37:47,340
i love it
500
00:37:47,500 --> 00:37:51,100
are you still in the total honesty zone
501
00:37:49,020 --> 00:37:52,459
absolutely
502
00:37:51,100 --> 00:37:55,100
i'd like to stick around a little longer
503
00:37:52,459 --> 00:37:58,380
if that's cool with you
504
00:37:55,100 --> 00:37:58,380
it's a hundred percent cool
505
00:37:59,020 --> 00:38:04,860
okay i'm gonna need to call my wife
506
00:38:02,219 --> 00:38:06,939
don't use the w word i don't want
507
00:38:04,860 --> 00:38:11,820
reality intruding on my fantasy time
508
00:38:06,939 --> 00:38:15,020
okay i'll need to call my person
509
00:38:11,820 --> 00:38:16,620
better word choice if i say i work at
510
00:38:15,020 --> 00:38:18,780
overtime you should buy me the full
511
00:38:16,620 --> 00:38:21,660
night
512
00:38:18,780 --> 00:38:24,939
i'll take you as long as i can get you
513
00:38:21,660 --> 00:38:24,939
i'll get to it then
514
00:38:25,500 --> 00:38:29,900
order us some food i don't want to chase
515
00:38:27,420 --> 00:38:31,260
you away with my subpar cooking
516
00:38:29,900 --> 00:38:38,939
sex skills are more important than
517
00:38:31,260 --> 00:38:38,939
cooking skills my sexual ego thanks
518
00:38:46,860 --> 00:38:51,580
what nothing squinty mcsquinto don't
519
00:38:49,660 --> 00:38:53,420
lock my handicap
520
00:38:51,580 --> 00:38:55,179
they do have these things called glasses
521
00:38:53,420 --> 00:38:58,060
i have them they make me look dorky
522
00:38:55,179 --> 00:39:06,939
no this makes you look dorky don't call
523
00:38:58,060 --> 00:39:06,939
your person
524
00:41:49,419 --> 00:41:54,939
all right ready set go
525
00:42:09,260 --> 00:42:12,540
not a good loser in case you hadn't
526
00:42:10,939 --> 00:42:15,820
noticed yeah i just did
527
00:42:12,540 --> 00:42:18,140
yeah but uh you don't get to uh
528
00:42:15,820 --> 00:42:19,939
quit the race before the finish line
529
00:42:18,140 --> 00:42:21,980
that bad boy up
530
00:42:19,939 --> 00:42:25,020
okay
531
00:42:21,980 --> 00:42:27,660
come on cannonball it cannonball
532
00:42:25,020 --> 00:42:27,660
cannonball
533
00:42:29,100 --> 00:42:33,340
oh whoa do you need it
534
00:42:33,419 --> 00:42:36,860
i'm just trying to swallow the phone get
535
00:42:34,699 --> 00:42:40,620
back up the pipe all right
536
00:42:36,860 --> 00:42:44,620
you good better
537
00:42:40,620 --> 00:42:44,620
let's do it again god no
538
00:42:44,939 --> 00:42:51,179
next challenge the festivus feats of
539
00:42:48,860 --> 00:42:53,500
strength
540
00:42:51,179 --> 00:42:54,780
armor no no way in hell that's happening
541
00:42:53,500 --> 00:42:57,020
oh come on why not
542
00:42:54,780 --> 00:42:59,020
because i got no upside if i win i beat
543
00:42:57,020 --> 00:43:01,179
a chick big deal but if i lose
544
00:42:59,020 --> 00:43:02,459
i lose to a chick and then my fragile
545
00:43:01,179 --> 00:43:08,219
male ego shattered
546
00:43:02,459 --> 00:43:10,540
no upside oh do i smell chicken [ __ ]
547
00:43:08,219 --> 00:43:11,820
oh i definitely smell a chicken chicken
548
00:43:10,540 --> 00:43:14,620
calling me chicken [ __ ] it's gonna work
549
00:43:11,820 --> 00:43:14,620
twice in one day
550
00:43:15,939 --> 00:43:22,780
no
551
00:43:18,540 --> 00:43:22,780
all right let's go let's go
552
00:43:23,020 --> 00:43:32,939
we're ready i can't wait set
553
00:43:26,060 --> 00:43:32,939
go oh look who's going down
554
00:43:34,380 --> 00:43:39,530
[Laughter]
555
00:43:39,980 --> 00:43:44,300
the cia got you pushing too many pencils
556
00:43:44,699 --> 00:43:48,300
down she goes boom
557
00:43:48,540 --> 00:43:55,500
[ __ ] i'm strong for a girl though
558
00:43:53,100 --> 00:43:57,939
yeah you are but that's like saying
559
00:43:55,500 --> 00:44:00,620
you're smart for an amphibian
560
00:43:57,939 --> 00:44:02,620
so two fingers pick one
561
00:44:00,620 --> 00:44:05,020
i can't have both no you're not worthy
562
00:44:02,620 --> 00:44:05,020
of both
563
00:44:05,179 --> 00:44:11,900
i need a manicure i have you one
564
00:44:08,699 --> 00:44:13,260
no no why not i know again
565
00:44:11,900 --> 00:44:15,419
no come on i've given boyfriends
566
00:44:13,260 --> 00:44:16,540
manicures before one of them even let me
567
00:44:15,419 --> 00:44:18,300
paint his face with makeup yeah where
568
00:44:16,540 --> 00:44:19,900
are those guys now
569
00:44:18,300 --> 00:44:21,900
damn defiant that's how you wear their
570
00:44:19,900 --> 00:44:28,939
second dick in a bus stop men's room
571
00:44:21,900 --> 00:44:28,939
oh that is entirely possible
572
00:44:29,260 --> 00:44:35,820
so next we have
573
00:44:33,020 --> 00:44:37,260
the grand cosmic questions of the
574
00:44:35,820 --> 00:44:41,260
universe
575
00:44:37,260 --> 00:44:43,100
okay okay how it works is
576
00:44:41,260 --> 00:44:44,380
i ask you a question then you ask me a
577
00:44:43,100 --> 00:44:47,740
question then me you
578
00:44:44,380 --> 00:44:48,699
you me creating a volley not like a
579
00:44:47,740 --> 00:44:51,260
verbal tennis match
580
00:44:48,699 --> 00:44:51,900
okay okay so these questions can be
581
00:44:51,260 --> 00:44:55,500
either
582
00:44:51,900 --> 00:44:57,900
deep and profound or light and casual
583
00:44:55,500 --> 00:44:59,179
an example of the latter what is your
584
00:44:57,900 --> 00:45:02,140
favorite beatles song
585
00:44:59,179 --> 00:45:02,699
oh [ __ ] the beatles i mean [ __ ] the
586
00:45:02,140 --> 00:45:04,380
beatles
587
00:45:02,699 --> 00:45:05,419
i mean [ __ ] the beatles i'm not saying
588
00:45:04,380 --> 00:45:06,939
they suck i'm just saying they're
589
00:45:05,419 --> 00:45:09,340
overrated
590
00:45:06,939 --> 00:45:10,699
okay any band that you like was
591
00:45:09,340 --> 00:45:11,740
influenced by the beatles not talking
592
00:45:10,699 --> 00:45:13,020
about influence i'm talking about the
593
00:45:11,740 --> 00:45:14,780
actual music
594
00:45:13,020 --> 00:45:16,540
you can break their career in two halves
595
00:45:14,780 --> 00:45:18,540
all right the first half day
596
00:45:16,540 --> 00:45:20,219
they spent writing candy-ass love songs
597
00:45:18,540 --> 00:45:21,980
for teenage girls to scream to
598
00:45:20,219 --> 00:45:23,419
which basically makes them the 1950s
599
00:45:21,980 --> 00:45:24,300
equivalent to justin bieber for the
600
00:45:23,419 --> 00:45:26,939
backstreet boys
601
00:45:24,300 --> 00:45:29,020
jesus second half they spent stoned out
602
00:45:26,939 --> 00:45:29,980
of their minds doing hippy dippy drug
603
00:45:29,020 --> 00:45:31,260
music
604
00:45:29,980 --> 00:45:33,820
that is the era where they did their
605
00:45:31,260 --> 00:45:36,060
most profound work oh bullsh yeah right
606
00:45:33,820 --> 00:45:37,660
songs about kaleidoscope skies and girls
607
00:45:36,060 --> 00:45:39,660
with marmalade eyes
608
00:45:37,660 --> 00:45:40,860
other way around whichever just real
609
00:45:39,660 --> 00:45:42,860
[ __ ] profound okay
610
00:45:40,860 --> 00:45:44,459
plus then they added all that indian
611
00:45:42,860 --> 00:45:46,939
string [ __ ] and sitar in
612
00:45:44,459 --> 00:45:47,500
rock and roll is about guitar plain and
613
00:45:46,939 --> 00:45:50,459
simple
614
00:45:47,500 --> 00:45:52,459
no wrong no wrong or wrong right right
615
00:45:50,459 --> 00:45:53,740
right right
616
00:45:52,459 --> 00:45:55,740
which brings me to my question now that
617
00:45:53,740 --> 00:45:57,179
we're talking about the guitar when are
618
00:45:55,740 --> 00:45:57,740
we going to get a van halen reunion with
619
00:45:57,179 --> 00:46:01,340
the four
620
00:45:57,740 --> 00:46:03,100
original members right after two decades
621
00:46:01,340 --> 00:46:05,100
we finally get roth back and then they
622
00:46:03,100 --> 00:46:07,740
fire michael anthony so eddie can jim's
623
00:46:05,100 --> 00:46:09,419
idiot son into the lineup
624
00:46:07,740 --> 00:46:10,860
you know what i'm really holding out for
625
00:46:09,419 --> 00:46:12,219
i'm really holding out for the reunion
626
00:46:10,860 --> 00:46:13,100
with their third singer who was that
627
00:46:12,219 --> 00:46:15,500
dopey guy
628
00:46:13,100 --> 00:46:17,900
no what the extreme guy do not
629
00:46:15,500 --> 00:46:20,380
disrespect the greatness of gary sharon
630
00:46:17,900 --> 00:46:22,459
oh yeah name one good song from the game
631
00:46:20,380 --> 00:46:24,060
jeremy if i wasn't afraid of boring you
632
00:46:22,459 --> 00:46:25,820
i could sit here and rattle off every
633
00:46:24,060 --> 00:46:26,780
song titled the van halen three much to
634
00:46:25,820 --> 00:46:30,060
my eternal sugar
635
00:46:26,780 --> 00:46:33,100
oh eternal chagrin good word choice
636
00:46:30,060 --> 00:46:36,060
that's close enough about right
637
00:46:33,100 --> 00:46:37,980
so we um going back to the beatles you
638
00:46:36,060 --> 00:46:41,260
know what i feel really sorry for
639
00:46:37,980 --> 00:46:42,699
john lennon all right
640
00:46:41,260 --> 00:46:43,980
way to go out on the limb there feeling
641
00:46:42,699 --> 00:46:44,620
sorry for the guy that got gunned down
642
00:46:43,980 --> 00:46:46,860
in the street
643
00:46:44,620 --> 00:46:48,939
no no no no i mean like in terms of like
644
00:46:46,860 --> 00:46:50,300
historical significance
645
00:46:48,939 --> 00:46:53,500
because like when you look back at their
646
00:46:50,300 --> 00:46:55,340
stuff like his stuff was the stuff
647
00:46:53,500 --> 00:46:56,860
that like and like his stuff versus
648
00:46:55,340 --> 00:46:58,620
mccartney stuff his stuff is the stuff
649
00:46:56,860 --> 00:46:59,500
that really dated you're saying one word
650
00:46:58,620 --> 00:47:03,260
again
651
00:46:59,500 --> 00:47:06,860
over and over his stuff is the stuff
652
00:47:03,260 --> 00:47:08,620
that really dated the most like
653
00:47:06,860 --> 00:47:10,060
when you look at mccartney stuff it's
654
00:47:08,620 --> 00:47:10,459
about stuff that's always going to be
655
00:47:10,060 --> 00:47:14,060
there
656
00:47:10,459 --> 00:47:16,780
like love and regret 50 years from now
657
00:47:14,060 --> 00:47:18,380
some trucker's gonna put yesterday on
658
00:47:16,780 --> 00:47:21,340
his ipod 27
659
00:47:18,380 --> 00:47:23,900
and just cry like a baby but when you
660
00:47:21,340 --> 00:47:26,300
listen to lennon's you know imagine
661
00:47:23,900 --> 00:47:27,100
you kind of want to go oh that's sweet
662
00:47:26,300 --> 00:47:28,540
world please
663
00:47:27,100 --> 00:47:30,060
run along and play the adults are
664
00:47:28,540 --> 00:47:31,419
talking that is exactly what i was
665
00:47:30,060 --> 00:47:33,500
trying to say five minutes ago
666
00:47:31,419 --> 00:47:34,699
no you said they sucked no i didn't i
667
00:47:33,500 --> 00:47:36,540
said they were overrated
668
00:47:34,699 --> 00:47:38,459
okay well the overrated is different
669
00:47:36,540 --> 00:47:39,020
than dated data doesn't have the same
670
00:47:38,459 --> 00:47:42,459
negative
671
00:47:39,020 --> 00:47:46,860
connotations whose turn is it
672
00:47:42,459 --> 00:47:49,419
it's your turn go quick um
673
00:47:46,860 --> 00:47:50,620
when you were a kid okay when you were a
674
00:47:49,419 --> 00:47:53,179
kid did you ever have the nickname
675
00:47:50,620 --> 00:47:56,699
spruce goose bruce
676
00:47:53,179 --> 00:47:57,340
yes really no ask a dumb question get a
677
00:47:56,699 --> 00:47:59,179
sarcastic
678
00:47:57,340 --> 00:48:01,820
answer my turn okay well what about
679
00:47:59,179 --> 00:48:04,620
loose caboose what about my turn
680
00:48:01,820 --> 00:48:05,820
all right why do midgets hate being
681
00:48:04,620 --> 00:48:08,860
called midgets
682
00:48:05,820 --> 00:48:10,459
huh like they prefer little person
683
00:48:08,860 --> 00:48:11,500
that's so condescending oh a little
684
00:48:10,459 --> 00:48:13,260
person
685
00:48:11,500 --> 00:48:14,860
that's terrible and dwarf that makes you
686
00:48:13,260 --> 00:48:17,900
sound like a cartoon
687
00:48:14,860 --> 00:48:18,780
but [ __ ] is a strong word isn't it two
688
00:48:17,900 --> 00:48:22,140
syllables
689
00:48:18,780 --> 00:48:24,620
short strong
690
00:48:22,140 --> 00:48:25,740
it's like it sounds like hatchet [ __ ]
691
00:48:24,620 --> 00:48:29,580
hatchet
692
00:48:25,740 --> 00:48:31,340
small but lethal right
693
00:48:29,580 --> 00:48:33,659
tell me i'm wrong it's a stronger
694
00:48:31,340 --> 00:48:36,300
sounding word
695
00:48:33,659 --> 00:48:38,140
okay my safe answer to that is just call
696
00:48:36,300 --> 00:48:40,140
them little people and don't ever ask
697
00:48:38,140 --> 00:48:42,939
that in mixed and judgmental companies
698
00:48:40,140 --> 00:48:44,620
whatever it's a good word you should
699
00:48:42,939 --> 00:48:49,580
enjoy it
700
00:48:44,620 --> 00:48:49,580
okay own it next topic
701
00:48:51,020 --> 00:48:56,540
men in urinals oh
702
00:48:54,060 --> 00:48:57,900
two of my favorite toppings two-part
703
00:48:56,540 --> 00:49:01,419
question
704
00:48:57,900 --> 00:49:03,340
first is it true that you have to keep a
705
00:49:01,419 --> 00:49:05,939
one buffer
706
00:49:03,340 --> 00:49:07,980
urinal between you and the guy next to
707
00:49:05,939 --> 00:49:11,100
you and
708
00:49:07,980 --> 00:49:13,419
part two if that's true are you really
709
00:49:11,100 --> 00:49:16,780
worried about him looking at your junk
710
00:49:13,419 --> 00:49:18,300
no okay there's an unspoken rule
711
00:49:16,780 --> 00:49:20,380
that if there's a wall full of empty
712
00:49:18,300 --> 00:49:21,100
urinals you don't go sidling up to the
713
00:49:20,380 --> 00:49:24,140
one other guy
714
00:49:21,100 --> 00:49:25,980
there that's [ __ ] weird but if you're
715
00:49:24,140 --> 00:49:27,500
at a concert or something like a crowded
716
00:49:25,980 --> 00:49:29,020
event like a football game
717
00:49:27,500 --> 00:49:31,260
like all that [ __ ] goes out the window
718
00:49:29,020 --> 00:49:31,980
you have guys crossing streams in the
719
00:49:31,260 --> 00:49:35,500
same stall
720
00:49:31,980 --> 00:49:36,780
pissing in the sink what it's not like
721
00:49:35,500 --> 00:49:38,699
it's just another drain it's like your
722
00:49:36,780 --> 00:49:39,820
fingers touch the drain when you're
723
00:49:38,699 --> 00:49:41,100
washing your hands yeah what about
724
00:49:39,820 --> 00:49:42,459
droplet splash that's got to get all
725
00:49:41,100 --> 00:49:44,939
over the faucet and the knobs
726
00:49:42,459 --> 00:49:46,140
well you're in a sterile anyway and they
727
00:49:44,939 --> 00:49:48,300
say you could drink it if you were
728
00:49:46,140 --> 00:49:51,340
stranded on a desert island
729
00:49:48,300 --> 00:49:54,620
who says that they
730
00:49:51,340 --> 00:49:57,419
scientists and [ __ ] oh they they
731
00:49:54,620 --> 00:49:57,419
yes they
732
00:49:57,740 --> 00:50:03,580
okay all this talk of urine has my
733
00:50:00,540 --> 00:50:07,500
bladder in the red alert zone
734
00:50:03,580 --> 00:50:10,060
i shall return for the warning
735
00:50:07,500 --> 00:50:13,179
always the wise ass never the wiser my
736
00:50:10,060 --> 00:50:13,179
mother used to say that
737
00:50:16,300 --> 00:50:21,820
that is that it
738
00:50:19,340 --> 00:50:23,340
i sounded like there was gonna be more
739
00:50:21,820 --> 00:50:32,939
to that sentence
740
00:50:23,340 --> 00:50:32,939
i guess not
741
00:50:57,939 --> 00:51:03,659
so
742
00:51:00,540 --> 00:51:06,219
it's shelby mr bruce did you turn the
743
00:51:03,659 --> 00:51:07,740
water on so i wouldn't hear you pee
744
00:51:06,219 --> 00:51:09,419
shut up i was trying to be demure and
745
00:51:07,740 --> 00:51:11,260
ladylike
746
00:51:09,419 --> 00:51:13,340
well i will pay you the same favor only
747
00:51:11,260 --> 00:51:14,060
you can switch gentlemanly and refine
748
00:51:13,340 --> 00:51:28,939
for demure
749
00:51:14,060 --> 00:51:28,939
and ladylike done and done
750
00:51:52,459 --> 00:51:57,020
can i hold your gun that's not a toy
751
00:51:55,500 --> 00:51:58,699
no i know i told you i have one of my
752
00:51:57,020 --> 00:52:00,060
own i did all the basic safety courses
753
00:51:58,699 --> 00:52:04,060
what kind of gun do you have
754
00:52:00,060 --> 00:52:06,380
38 revolver yeah
755
00:52:04,060 --> 00:52:08,699
you ever shove an automatic nope what's
756
00:52:06,380 --> 00:52:10,939
the difference it's more of a kick to it
757
00:52:08,699 --> 00:52:13,100
plus the cocking slide makes for pretty
758
00:52:10,939 --> 00:52:17,580
badass punctuation to cool one-liners
759
00:52:13,100 --> 00:52:21,939
yeah example all right
760
00:52:17,580 --> 00:52:23,980
you ain't seen bad yet son but it's
761
00:52:21,939 --> 00:52:27,340
coming
762
00:52:23,980 --> 00:52:38,570
cool can i try
763
00:52:27,340 --> 00:52:40,540
yeah let me get set up great
764
00:52:38,570 --> 00:52:45,980
[Applause]
765
00:52:40,540 --> 00:52:45,980
all set cowgirl okay um
766
00:52:46,459 --> 00:52:52,939
hey scumbag here comes a special
767
00:52:49,939 --> 00:52:52,939
delivery
768
00:52:53,419 --> 00:53:00,380
um hey scumbag here comes a lead
769
00:52:57,020 --> 00:53:03,980
sandwich special delivery there it is
770
00:53:00,380 --> 00:53:03,980
how was that that was a good start
771
00:53:04,060 --> 00:53:07,100
i do it again yeah let's build on that
772
00:53:06,060 --> 00:53:10,699
no no just
773
00:53:07,100 --> 00:53:12,540
tell me um okay so right there
774
00:53:10,699 --> 00:53:14,860
that button is the clip release do that
775
00:53:12,540 --> 00:53:16,219
first carefully i know
776
00:53:14,860 --> 00:53:17,659
and there's still a live round in the
777
00:53:16,219 --> 00:53:18,300
chamber so you want to slide that back
778
00:53:17,659 --> 00:53:19,320
and let it pop
779
00:53:18,300 --> 00:53:21,820
out
780
00:53:19,320 --> 00:53:24,380
[Music]
781
00:53:21,820 --> 00:53:26,620
and then i just slide the clip back in
782
00:53:24,380 --> 00:53:26,620
yep
783
00:53:27,659 --> 00:53:33,820
okay what you doing
784
00:53:32,380 --> 00:53:35,500
got another piece of equipment i want
785
00:53:33,820 --> 00:53:40,380
you to try oh yeah yeah
786
00:53:35,500 --> 00:53:42,620
oh no you gotta sit first
787
00:53:40,380 --> 00:53:42,620
okay
788
00:54:06,780 --> 00:54:11,980
do i need to be worried about this do
789
00:54:09,100 --> 00:54:11,980
you think you need to be worried
790
00:54:12,300 --> 00:54:16,939
good because you know
791
00:54:22,380 --> 00:54:27,659
i told you how beautiful you were in the
792
00:54:23,659 --> 00:54:27,659
last five minutes you're slipping
793
00:54:27,740 --> 00:54:30,939
you're beautiful
794
00:54:33,179 --> 00:54:35,820
you're beautiful
795
00:54:41,939 --> 00:54:44,939
beautiful
796
00:54:53,020 --> 00:55:12,939
i want my arms around you let's do that
797
00:54:57,100 --> 00:55:12,939
stay where they are
798
00:55:23,939 --> 00:55:26,939
so
799
00:55:37,939 --> 00:55:40,939
oh
800
00:55:51,939 --> 00:55:54,939
ugh
801
00:56:47,939 --> 00:56:50,939
um
802
00:57:03,179 --> 00:57:05,419
oh
803
00:57:11,179 --> 00:57:18,939
too hard
804
00:57:39,820 --> 00:57:43,939
oh no just just keep going seriously
805
00:57:42,459 --> 00:57:46,939
yeah
806
00:57:43,939 --> 00:57:46,939
seriously
807
00:57:49,260 --> 00:57:54,459
no wait wait wait hold on a second why
808
00:57:53,020 --> 00:57:57,020
there's a problem and i want to see if i
809
00:57:54,459 --> 00:57:58,459
can fix it easily
810
00:57:57,020 --> 00:58:01,580
if it's a fuse or something i can fix it
811
00:57:58,459 --> 00:58:04,620
really quick you're such a guy
812
00:58:01,580 --> 00:58:07,100
wow what an insult i want to be able to
813
00:58:04,620 --> 00:58:07,100
look at you
814
00:58:11,260 --> 00:58:15,100
oh wow it's not just us little street's
815
00:58:14,459 --> 00:58:17,260
out
816
00:58:15,100 --> 00:58:18,459
oh there's a flashlight by the microwave
817
00:58:17,260 --> 00:58:20,300
on the counter
818
00:58:18,459 --> 00:58:22,780
i get it myself but i'm a little tied up
819
00:58:20,300 --> 00:58:28,939
at the moment
820
00:58:22,780 --> 00:58:28,939
master jokes are you okay yeah
821
00:58:34,219 --> 00:58:38,540
it's okay i needed new retinas anyway
822
00:58:36,780 --> 00:58:40,459
ugh
823
00:58:38,540 --> 00:58:43,500
uh get uh uncuffed me i'll take out some
824
00:58:40,459 --> 00:58:43,500
candles okay
825
00:58:50,459 --> 00:58:56,939
what uh nothing
826
00:58:53,659 --> 00:58:57,820
i just seem to find the keys tell me
827
00:58:56,939 --> 00:59:02,300
you're kidding
828
00:58:57,820 --> 00:59:05,820
i wish i was um i just hope
829
00:59:02,300 --> 00:59:07,100
no you just hope what
830
00:59:05,820 --> 00:59:10,939
i just hope i didn't lose him in the
831
00:59:07,100 --> 00:59:10,939
woods when we were hiking
832
00:59:11,899 --> 00:59:17,659
okay starting to stress here don't worry
833
00:59:16,060 --> 00:59:19,899
they almost have to be in this room
834
00:59:17,659 --> 00:59:21,899
somewhere you know this is where i got
835
00:59:19,899 --> 00:59:24,939
dressed and undressed the most they
836
00:59:21,899 --> 00:59:24,939
probably just fill out let me go
837
00:59:27,100 --> 00:59:30,380
hey uh growing up did you ever have the
838
00:59:29,020 --> 00:59:33,179
nickname uh
839
00:59:30,380 --> 00:59:33,820
orange juice bruce no did you ever have
840
00:59:33,179 --> 00:59:38,699
the nickname
841
00:59:33,820 --> 00:59:40,459
shelby yeah what come on
842
00:59:38,699 --> 00:59:42,060
i got nothing yeah that's one of the
843
00:59:40,459 --> 00:59:43,500
benefits of being named shelby nothing
844
00:59:42,060 --> 00:59:45,260
rhymes with it
845
00:59:43,500 --> 00:59:47,260
though of course in high school there
846
00:59:45,260 --> 00:59:49,179
was a girl named alison dembrowski and
847
00:59:47,260 --> 00:59:51,820
she came up with shelby shelby can go to
848
00:59:49,179 --> 00:59:53,820
[ __ ] helby that's creative
849
00:59:51,820 --> 00:59:55,580
no it's not creative it's mean i mean i
850
00:59:53,820 --> 00:59:57,179
got off easier than a lot of girls
851
00:59:55,580 --> 00:59:58,860
there was this one fat girl named
852
00:59:57,179 --> 01:00:00,540
michelle clark and
853
00:59:58,860 --> 01:00:02,380
then allison nailed her with the
854
01:00:00,540 --> 01:00:03,580
nickname moby clark so everywhere she
855
01:00:02,380 --> 01:00:07,980
went she would yell
856
01:00:03,580 --> 01:00:08,860
heart kirk crowded cafeterias sidewalks
857
01:00:07,980 --> 01:00:10,380
everywhere
858
01:00:08,860 --> 01:00:12,939
and then there was this girl named ellen
859
01:00:10,380 --> 01:00:15,020
zabriskie she had terrible personal
860
01:00:12,939 --> 01:00:18,219
hygiene so she had greasy hair and
861
01:00:15,020 --> 01:00:21,340
bad acne and alison nailed her with
862
01:00:18,219 --> 01:00:22,939
zit zabriskie so you just had to feel
863
01:00:21,340 --> 01:00:24,540
terrible for both of them both her and
864
01:00:22,939 --> 01:00:25,740
moby clark
865
01:00:24,540 --> 01:00:27,179
i wonder what happened to allison i
866
01:00:25,740 --> 01:00:28,780
wonder if she like mellowed out as she
867
01:00:27,179 --> 01:00:30,300
got older if she has turned into a giant
868
01:00:28,780 --> 01:00:33,659
mega [ __ ] are you chief
869
01:00:30,300 --> 01:00:35,419
yeah you're babbling yeah i know
870
01:00:33,659 --> 01:00:36,620
i'm just trying to hold off the anxiety
871
01:00:35,419 --> 01:00:37,899
attack that i see right there on the
872
01:00:36,620 --> 01:00:41,260
horizon
873
01:00:37,899 --> 01:00:42,219
are you really gonna freak out no no why
874
01:00:41,260 --> 01:00:45,419
would i freak out
875
01:00:42,219 --> 01:00:48,060
i am just handcuffed to a chair 90
876
01:00:45,419 --> 01:00:49,980
naked with a man i just met and the man
877
01:00:48,060 --> 01:00:52,300
carries a high caliber firearm
878
01:00:49,980 --> 01:00:53,820
why would i be freaking out how you
879
01:00:52,300 --> 01:00:55,980
doing with those keys there
880
01:00:53,820 --> 01:00:58,699
oh captain my captain i actually found
881
01:00:55,980 --> 01:00:58,699
him a while ago
882
01:00:59,500 --> 01:01:04,540
i want to insult you but i'm going to
883
01:01:01,260 --> 01:01:08,939
wait till i get loose good strategy
884
01:01:04,540 --> 01:01:08,939
hold still oh
885
01:01:11,179 --> 01:01:20,219
get this one yeah got a match yep
886
01:01:16,060 --> 01:01:21,580
my butt and your face so hilarious
887
01:01:20,219 --> 01:01:23,980
it's been so long since i've been able
888
01:01:21,580 --> 01:01:27,100
to use that one think about it how often
889
01:01:23,980 --> 01:01:31,179
do you get asked for a match these days
890
01:01:27,100 --> 01:01:31,179
just give me the match giggling doofus
891
01:01:33,820 --> 01:01:39,580
uh you just don't appreciate fine
892
01:01:35,500 --> 01:01:39,580
sophisticated humor yeah what if i heard
893
01:01:41,939 --> 01:01:48,219
something
894
01:01:44,060 --> 01:01:48,219
i'm at the bathroom real quick okay
895
01:01:55,820 --> 01:02:00,459
what have we done when was the last time
896
01:01:58,219 --> 01:02:03,659
you played checkers by candlelight
897
01:02:00,459 --> 01:02:06,780
oh around 2 000 never
898
01:02:03,659 --> 01:02:08,620
team good i'll get to kick someone
899
01:02:06,780 --> 01:02:12,139
else's butt for a change it's usually my
900
01:02:08,620 --> 01:02:16,780
son kicking mine
901
01:02:12,139 --> 01:02:19,899
okay okay i'll go first
902
01:02:16,780 --> 01:02:21,580
um speaking of my son you were a little
903
01:02:19,899 --> 01:02:25,500
boy once right
904
01:02:21,580 --> 01:02:26,780
a long time ago so let me ask you
905
01:02:25,500 --> 01:02:29,260
something that whole thing with the
906
01:02:26,780 --> 01:02:30,380
pounding bullets with the hammer earlier
907
01:02:29,260 --> 01:02:32,620
is that something i need to be worried
908
01:02:30,380 --> 01:02:34,380
about
909
01:02:32,620 --> 01:02:36,219
what is it like school shooter and
910
01:02:34,380 --> 01:02:39,500
training [ __ ]
911
01:02:36,219 --> 01:02:41,100
yeah something like that no that's just
912
01:02:39,500 --> 01:02:42,860
little boy [ __ ]
913
01:02:41,100 --> 01:02:44,780
when i was a kid me and my friends put
914
01:02:42,860 --> 01:02:46,939
an m80 in a coffee can
915
01:02:44,780 --> 01:02:47,980
the idea being that it would shoot it
916
01:02:46,939 --> 01:02:51,500
straight up in the air
917
01:02:47,980 --> 01:02:52,459
50 feet like a rocket no instead it blew
918
01:02:51,500 --> 01:02:54,300
completely apart
919
01:02:52,459 --> 01:02:55,899
like a fragmentation grenade sent all
920
01:02:54,300 --> 01:02:56,939
these flying pieces of shrapnel
921
01:02:55,899 --> 01:02:59,899
everywhere
922
01:02:56,939 --> 01:03:01,020
lucky it didn't cut us in half okay i
923
01:02:59,899 --> 01:03:03,260
know you mean well but you're not
924
01:03:01,020 --> 01:03:05,939
exactly making me feel better here
925
01:03:03,260 --> 01:03:07,820
i'm just saying that little boys are
926
01:03:05,939 --> 01:03:10,300
stupid and god tends to have pity on
927
01:03:07,820 --> 01:03:10,300
stupid
928
01:03:11,899 --> 01:03:15,179
but as long as we're going back to
929
01:03:13,500 --> 01:03:19,740
things from earlier you said
930
01:03:15,179 --> 01:03:19,740
uh your brother set you up on a date
931
01:03:19,939 --> 01:03:25,340
yeah bad i take it
932
01:03:23,419 --> 01:03:27,500
it wasn't bad it wasn't like any big
933
01:03:25,340 --> 01:03:29,340
disaster or anything
934
01:03:27,500 --> 01:03:31,419
it was just 40 minutes of small talk it
935
01:03:29,340 --> 01:03:35,179
ended with a loose armed hug
936
01:03:31,419 --> 01:03:39,100
yeah i've had a couple of those
937
01:03:35,179 --> 01:03:41,659
there was this one thing though he
938
01:03:39,100 --> 01:03:43,100
he would do this thing where he would he
939
01:03:41,659 --> 01:03:45,100
would chew with his mouth closed but he
940
01:03:43,100 --> 01:03:47,020
wouldn't fully swallow every bite before
941
01:03:45,100 --> 01:03:48,860
he would shovel the next bite in
942
01:03:47,020 --> 01:03:50,860
so there was like always this like
943
01:03:48,860 --> 01:03:52,219
chewed piece of food
944
01:03:50,860 --> 01:03:55,020
in his mouth like there's only
945
01:03:52,219 --> 01:03:56,620
swallowing part of it
946
01:03:55,020 --> 01:03:58,380
it was a petty thing to focus on but it
947
01:03:56,620 --> 01:03:59,899
drove me nuts no no
948
01:03:58,380 --> 01:04:02,219
it's the little things that can really
949
01:03:59,899 --> 01:04:03,740
suck sometimes i once dated this girl
950
01:04:02,219 --> 01:04:05,260
and before we went out she just painted
951
01:04:03,740 --> 01:04:07,820
her nails but
952
01:04:05,260 --> 01:04:10,300
she left all this excess polish like all
953
01:04:07,820 --> 01:04:12,219
over her cuticles and her fingers
954
01:04:10,300 --> 01:04:13,820
it looked like my four-year-old does it
955
01:04:12,219 --> 01:04:15,980
and so the whole time i'm just glancing
956
01:04:13,820 --> 01:04:17,820
at her fingers thinking
957
01:04:15,980 --> 01:04:19,820
does she even know how bad that looks or
958
01:04:17,820 --> 01:04:22,860
does she know and just not care
959
01:04:19,820 --> 01:04:23,899
like what is that hmm where'd you meet
960
01:04:22,860 --> 01:04:26,380
that winner
961
01:04:23,899 --> 01:04:29,179
internet dating how else do people meet
962
01:04:26,380 --> 01:04:29,179
each other nowadays
963
01:04:30,139 --> 01:04:34,780
what i just have a hard time picturing
964
01:04:32,939 --> 01:04:39,980
you computer dating
965
01:04:34,780 --> 01:04:41,659
why i'm a modern 21st century man
966
01:04:39,980 --> 01:04:43,820
i'll tell you what though it totally
967
01:04:41,659 --> 01:04:45,659
destroyed that whole manor shower
968
01:04:43,820 --> 01:04:48,060
more shower than women cliche oh
969
01:04:45,659 --> 01:04:49,500
[ __ ] bull true
970
01:04:48,060 --> 01:04:51,100
men are show about looks and weight
971
01:04:49,500 --> 01:04:52,939
women are shallow about looks weight
972
01:04:51,100 --> 01:04:55,020
height and income
973
01:04:52,939 --> 01:04:57,419
so you date a woman taller than you yeah
974
01:04:55,020 --> 01:04:59,020
for sure she was hot enough for sure
975
01:04:57,419 --> 01:05:00,620
have you ever seen those amazon chicks
976
01:04:59,020 --> 01:05:01,500
that uh play for the olympic volleyball
977
01:05:00,620 --> 01:05:03,500
team
978
01:05:01,500 --> 01:05:05,820
any one of them would [ __ ] you in half
979
01:05:03,500 --> 01:05:08,300
yeah i know but what a proud and noble
980
01:05:05,820 --> 01:05:08,300
way to go
981
01:05:10,699 --> 01:05:14,939
you you said you have a four-year-old
982
01:05:15,899 --> 01:05:23,419
yeah is that your only kid
983
01:05:19,419 --> 01:05:27,500
no i have a three-year-old too
984
01:05:23,419 --> 01:05:33,020
hence the vasectomy both girls
985
01:05:27,500 --> 01:05:33,020
one of each what are their names
986
01:05:35,899 --> 01:05:40,060
come on a couple of hours ago i had your
987
01:05:38,540 --> 01:05:43,260
balls in my mouth you don't get to play
988
01:05:40,060 --> 01:05:43,260
the too personal card
989
01:05:44,620 --> 01:05:55,100
it's not that it's too personal i just
990
01:05:48,620 --> 01:05:57,340
don't like talking about it with anyone
991
01:05:55,100 --> 01:06:00,459
for some reason i always have to i
992
01:05:57,340 --> 01:06:00,459
always feel like i have to
993
01:06:00,939 --> 01:06:04,699
say how great everything is going
994
01:06:04,780 --> 01:06:13,580
when i usually don't feel that way i
995
01:06:10,459 --> 01:06:17,419
i usually feel like a fraud
996
01:06:13,580 --> 01:06:17,419
who has no idea what he's doing
997
01:06:17,580 --> 01:06:24,939
we all feel that way sometimes yeah but
998
01:06:20,780 --> 01:06:24,939
with me it's not sometimes
999
01:06:26,139 --> 01:06:28,620
i don't know
1000
01:06:30,139 --> 01:06:33,179
it's hard to admit
1001
01:06:35,340 --> 01:06:38,939
she never worries
1002
01:06:40,300 --> 01:06:44,540
and i worry so much to the point that
1003
01:06:44,699 --> 01:06:48,380
i never get to enjoy the process
1004
01:06:49,340 --> 01:06:52,540
i honestly can't remember the last time
1005
01:06:51,100 --> 01:06:55,179
i felt happy
1006
01:06:52,540 --> 01:06:55,179
about it all
1007
01:06:57,179 --> 01:07:05,980
it's like the way i'm supposed to feel
1008
01:07:02,620 --> 01:07:09,580
and the way i actually feel
1009
01:07:05,980 --> 01:07:09,580
are two very separate things
1010
01:07:11,980 --> 01:07:17,659
she'll show me a cute picture or video
1011
01:07:15,020 --> 01:07:17,659
of the kids
1012
01:07:18,139 --> 01:07:23,899
and i know the reaction that she wants
1013
01:07:20,939 --> 01:07:23,899
and i give it to her
1014
01:07:24,380 --> 01:07:27,659
but i'm totally faking it
1015
01:07:28,380 --> 01:07:34,939
and i feel like [ __ ] because i'm faking
1016
01:07:31,939 --> 01:07:34,939
it
1017
01:07:36,860 --> 01:07:41,740
i guess i always feel like [ __ ] about
1018
01:07:38,459 --> 01:07:41,740
some aspect of it
1019
01:07:44,300 --> 01:07:47,820
it makes me sound like an [ __ ]
1020
01:07:45,500 --> 01:07:52,060
doesn't it
1021
01:07:47,820 --> 01:07:53,260
no no it makes you sound like someone
1022
01:07:52,060 --> 01:07:54,860
who
1023
01:07:53,260 --> 01:07:56,620
had a hole in their life who filled it
1024
01:07:54,860 --> 01:08:02,300
with what they thought they should
1025
01:07:56,620 --> 01:08:06,860
or with what someone expected them to
1026
01:08:02,300 --> 01:08:06,860
yeah that is kind of it i guess
1027
01:08:09,819 --> 01:08:16,939
i still think it makes me less of a man
1028
01:08:11,660 --> 01:08:16,939
in some way
1029
01:08:17,660 --> 01:08:22,140
we all like to think that we're these
1030
01:08:20,299 --> 01:08:25,819
perfect angels of virtue
1031
01:08:22,140 --> 01:08:27,939
but really we're just
1032
01:08:25,819 --> 01:08:30,939
flawed train wrecks barely keeping it
1033
01:08:27,939 --> 01:08:30,939
together
1034
01:08:31,740 --> 01:08:36,779
i know when my husband was dying
1035
01:08:37,259 --> 01:08:41,020
at the end when things were at their
1036
01:08:38,700 --> 01:08:41,020
worst
1037
01:08:41,500 --> 01:08:45,660
i wasn't there for him as much as i
1038
01:08:43,180 --> 01:08:45,660
should have been
1039
01:08:45,899 --> 01:08:49,180
there were some days that i just
1040
01:08:49,740 --> 01:08:52,459
couldn't handle it
1041
01:08:53,899 --> 01:08:57,740
i wonder what he must have thought on
1042
01:08:55,100 --> 01:09:01,339
those days when i just
1043
01:08:57,740 --> 01:09:03,419
didn't show up how much that must have
1044
01:09:01,339 --> 01:09:05,899
hurt even though he never
1045
01:09:03,419 --> 01:09:05,899
showed it
1046
01:09:09,259 --> 01:09:12,939
oh that's family
1047
01:09:13,580 --> 01:09:18,859
we [ __ ] up we forgive each other
1048
01:09:18,939 --> 01:09:29,580
we [ __ ] up again
1049
01:09:25,259 --> 01:09:31,740
yeah it's just not an easy truth to live
1050
01:09:29,580 --> 01:09:31,740
with
1051
01:09:34,379 --> 01:09:43,020
well of course i never met the guy but
1052
01:09:39,740 --> 01:09:43,020
with him getting to marry you
1053
01:09:43,100 --> 01:09:49,259
start a family with you and wake up
1054
01:09:46,380 --> 01:09:49,259
every morning to you
1055
01:09:50,140 --> 01:09:54,940
i bet he probably died a pretty happy
1056
01:09:51,819 --> 01:09:54,940
and satisfied man
1057
01:09:57,020 --> 01:09:59,259
well
1058
01:10:04,700 --> 01:10:22,940
lean over what
1059
01:10:07,819 --> 01:10:22,940
kiss break
1060
01:10:23,180 --> 01:10:25,980
get used to this
1061
01:10:32,620 --> 01:10:37,580
but then
1062
01:10:35,819 --> 01:10:39,819
can you remember we only have a few
1063
01:10:37,580 --> 01:10:42,299
hours until daylight and reality hits us
1064
01:10:39,819 --> 01:10:42,299
in the face
1065
01:10:42,940 --> 01:10:50,060
yeah back to perspective
1066
01:10:48,140 --> 01:10:52,460
a few hours can be a lifetime if we use
1067
01:10:50,060 --> 01:10:52,460
it right
1068
01:10:54,940 --> 01:11:04,940
for example
1069
01:11:29,940 --> 01:11:32,940
um
1070
01:11:43,940 --> 01:12:00,940
uh ugh
1071
01:12:25,940 --> 01:12:28,940
no
1072
01:12:32,220 --> 01:12:34,940
it's amazing
1073
01:12:38,460 --> 01:12:42,940
it's better than any truck
1074
01:12:55,100 --> 01:12:57,580
it's fine
1075
01:13:00,299 --> 01:13:24,940
thank you
1076
01:13:09,180 --> 01:13:24,940
just the feeling
1077
01:13:35,940 --> 01:13:52,940
crazy
1078
01:13:38,700 --> 01:13:52,940
tell me
1079
01:14:03,940 --> 01:14:06,940
ah
1080
01:14:12,000 --> 01:14:18,070
[Laughter]
1081
01:14:45,940 --> 01:14:48,940
ugh
1082
01:15:01,660 --> 01:15:16,940
let's see
1083
01:15:27,980 --> 01:15:30,940
c
1084
01:15:41,940 --> 01:15:44,940
you
1085
01:16:23,940 --> 01:16:26,940
okay
1086
01:16:51,940 --> 01:16:54,940
um
1087
01:17:05,940 --> 01:17:08,940
everything
1088
01:17:33,940 --> 01:17:36,940
so
1089
01:17:39,100 --> 01:17:50,940
are you awake
1090
01:17:52,380 --> 01:17:55,500
how soon do you have to leave
1091
01:17:55,660 --> 01:17:57,980
soon
1092
01:17:59,259 --> 01:18:04,940
now ish actually
1093
01:18:12,140 --> 01:18:18,940
i'll be right back
1094
01:18:37,410 --> 01:18:40,979
[Music]
1095
01:18:41,660 --> 01:18:48,140
so yeah
1096
01:18:46,779 --> 01:18:50,940
what do you see happening after you go
1097
01:18:48,140 --> 01:18:50,940
down that driveway
1098
01:18:53,100 --> 01:18:56,460
total honesty
1099
01:18:55,060 --> 01:18:58,860
[Music]
1100
01:18:56,460 --> 01:19:00,299
i see you picking up your son and i see
1101
01:18:58,860 --> 01:19:03,180
me going back to my family
1102
01:19:00,299 --> 01:19:04,060
and i see the both of us going back to
1103
01:19:03,180 --> 01:19:05,819
our normal
1104
01:19:04,060 --> 01:19:07,819
boring routines and our normal boring
1105
01:19:05,819 --> 01:19:11,580
problems and if at some point i should
1106
01:19:07,819 --> 01:19:13,660
run into you in town then smile at you
1107
01:19:11,580 --> 01:19:17,020
if i'm by myself and if i'm with my wife
1108
01:19:13,660 --> 01:19:18,860
then i'll avoid eye contact and
1109
01:19:17,020 --> 01:19:20,700
the both of us will hold on to our time
1110
01:19:18,860 --> 01:19:22,860
together as a
1111
01:19:20,700 --> 01:19:25,020
treasured secret that we used to get us
1112
01:19:22,860 --> 01:19:29,259
through the sad times
1113
01:19:25,020 --> 01:19:30,779
so you want to happen god no what
1114
01:19:29,259 --> 01:19:33,500
what i wanted to go on feeling the way i
1115
01:19:30,779 --> 01:19:34,940
felt for the last 24 hours
1116
01:19:33,500 --> 01:19:37,500
i'm not gonna be able to talk you into
1117
01:19:34,940 --> 01:19:37,500
this am i
1118
01:19:37,660 --> 01:19:44,460
no i don't know
1119
01:19:41,420 --> 01:19:44,460
not right now anyway
1120
01:19:46,460 --> 01:19:56,940
all right then
1121
01:20:01,500 --> 01:20:06,940
stay with me and that means exactly what
1122
01:20:04,620 --> 01:20:09,020
you think it does
1123
01:20:06,940 --> 01:20:10,380
that's a tempting offer but there's no
1124
01:20:09,020 --> 01:20:13,739
way i can do that
1125
01:20:10,380 --> 01:20:15,259
sure you can i'm not drunk and i'm not
1126
01:20:13,739 --> 01:20:16,860
crazy
1127
01:20:15,259 --> 01:20:19,420
yeah that's exactly what someone drunk
1128
01:20:16,860 --> 01:20:20,779
or crazy would say
1129
01:20:19,420 --> 01:20:24,940
let's take a leap of faith that we're
1130
01:20:20,779 --> 01:20:24,940
both good people
1131
01:20:37,600 --> 01:20:40,700
[Music]
1132
01:20:40,779 --> 01:20:44,460
i don't take advantage the only thing
1133
01:20:42,940 --> 01:20:51,290
you'd be taking advantage of is my
1134
01:20:44,460 --> 01:20:54,470
moment of clarity
1135
01:20:51,290 --> 01:20:54,470
[Music]
1136
01:21:19,460 --> 01:21:22,740
[Music]
1137
01:21:59,940 --> 01:22:02,940
um
1138
01:22:13,950 --> 01:22:17,149
[Music]
1139
01:22:32,779 --> 01:22:35,660
hey judith it's me
1140
01:22:35,819 --> 01:22:38,940
uh yeah um i just wanted to let you know
1141
01:22:37,819 --> 01:22:43,339
that i'm gonna be over to pick up josh
1142
01:22:38,940 --> 01:22:45,020
in about an hour
1143
01:22:43,339 --> 01:22:47,020
yeah um we can get everyone together
1144
01:22:45,020 --> 01:22:50,220
tonight sure
1145
01:22:47,020 --> 01:22:50,220
yeah pizza and a movie sound good
1146
01:22:50,779 --> 01:22:55,339
okay um yeah i'll give dawn a call too
1147
01:22:56,299 --> 01:22:58,940
okay
1148
01:23:00,620 --> 01:23:06,060
uh yeah thanks um
1149
01:23:04,220 --> 01:23:08,779
it was really good, the best night
1150
01:23:06,060 --> 01:23:08,779
i've had in a while
1151
01:23:09,180 --> 01:23:12,940
okay i'll see you in a bit
1152
01:23:51,940 --> 01:23:54,940
okay
1153
01:24:05,940 --> 01:24:08,940
ugh
1154
01:24:09,560 --> 01:24:13,419
[Applause]
1155
01:24:15,680 --> 01:24:18,780
[Applause]
1156
01:24:30,690 --> 01:24:34,019
[Music]
1157
01:24:36,850 --> 01:24:42,110
[Music]
1158
01:24:42,299 --> 01:24:50,940
ah let's show you
1159
01:24:52,920 --> 01:24:58,450
[Music]
1160
01:25:01,940 --> 01:25:04,940
so
1161
01:25:14,380 --> 01:25:18,940
[Music]
1162
01:25:15,940 --> 01:25:18,940
so
1163
01:25:21,100 --> 01:25:23,180
you
72712
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