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1
00:00:01,235 --> 00:00:03,171
The problems with living
with other vampires
2
00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:05,073
are the vampires
I have chosen to stay with.
3
00:00:05,106 --> 00:00:06,640
-I will kill you!
-Aaah!
4
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:10,744
What We Do in the Shadows,
all new Wednesdays at 10:00
on FX.
5
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:16,350
FXX presents You're the Worst.
6
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:21,021
(birds chirping)
7
00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:32,200
(footfalls approaching)
8
00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:40,208
You look nice.
9
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:42,243
MARIAH:
Thanks. You, too.
10
00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,681
(Jimmy sighs)
11
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,717
(Mariah sighs)
12
00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:56,557
You got it right.
13
00:00:56,590 --> 00:00:58,526
For once.
14
00:00:58,559 --> 00:01:00,428
I resent that.
15
00:01:01,462 --> 00:01:03,631
I love weddings.
16
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:05,666
("Hey My Man" by Babes playing)
17
00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:10,438
-(video game sound effects)
-* Fill the drain *
18
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:13,274
* Turn on the shower *
19
00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:15,276
* Wash your face *
20
00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:17,478
* Till you're clean
as a flower *
21
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:19,913
* Are you all alone? *
22
00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:22,283
* And you wanna cry *
23
00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:24,752
* When you're all alone *
24
00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:32,160
* Every day's a new chance... *
25
00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:35,229
-(yells)
-(clatters)
26
00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:38,866
Damn it. My game is on there.
27
00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:45,673
* Ooh *
28
00:01:58,786 --> 00:02:00,087
Oh.
29
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,490
(toilet flushes)
30
00:02:07,228 --> 00:02:10,431
* I'm gonna leave you anyway *
31
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:12,533
* I'm gonna
leave you anyway *
32
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:14,968
* I'm gonna leave you anyway. *
33
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:24,712
Coffee?
34
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:26,947
29 days.
35
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,450
Can you believe it?
36
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,285
Until our wedding.
37
00:02:31,319 --> 00:02:33,687
Right, that. Crazy.
38
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:36,524
Coffee?
39
00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:38,626
Do we have any travel mugs?
40
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,561
Got to get over to the event
space, like, yesterday.
41
00:02:40,594 --> 00:02:41,995
-(clears throat)
-(gasps)
42
00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:44,665
-Got you something.
-Fuck yeah. Gimme.
43
00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:54,875
Shoes?
44
00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:56,510
Dope shoes.
45
00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:58,846
Yeah. Not just any dope shoes.
46
00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,681
Dope wedding shoes.
47
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:03,317
-I got some as well.
-Gretchen confused.
48
00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:05,353
I've been reading up
on some common wedding mistakes,
49
00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:09,056
and it turns out most people
forget to break in their shoes.
50
00:03:09,089 --> 00:03:10,758
So you want me
to wear these today?
51
00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:13,861
The one day my job requires me
to walk around a bunch?
52
00:03:17,130 --> 00:03:18,732
Have you been there
the whole time?
53
00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:21,201
-Mm-hmm.
-(gasps) Wow.
54
00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:23,671
I've gotten really good
at tuning you out.
55
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,839
Why do you have to walk around
a bunch today?
56
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:28,909
Oh, well, thank you
for asking, Edgar!
57
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:32,680
It's only the biggest event
of my career.
58
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,349
Sam and the boys
are dropping a new joint,
59
00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:38,252
so I organized
this phat listening party
60
00:03:38,286 --> 00:03:40,421
as their big comeback. Plus,
61
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:43,190
I convinced them to throw
Nock Nock a verse.
62
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:47,094
Double plus, I billed him
as this big mystery guest
63
00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:50,030
to get all the hip-hop writers
thirsty A.F. to attend.
64
00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:51,231
Genius, huh?
65
00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:53,200
Look at us.
66
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:56,370
Just a couple of hotties,
ready to get married,
67
00:03:56,404 --> 00:03:57,771
-from the ankles down.
-(phone vibrates, chimes)
68
00:03:57,805 --> 00:03:59,307
XL is coming?
69
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,575
(gasps)
Fuck.
70
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:09,583
-(door closes)
-What?
71
00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:11,819
How stupid are you?
72
00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:14,788
Who are you talking to?
73
00:04:14,822 --> 00:04:16,824
Gretchen has a very important
event tonight,
74
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:19,893
and you don't even react,
let alone volunteer to go.
75
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,929
Why are you talking to me
like this? What's happening?
76
00:04:21,962 --> 00:04:23,964
I don't know.
77
00:04:23,997 --> 00:04:27,735
Best I can figure,
now that we're cowriters,
78
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:30,938
I'm spontaneously reevaluating
our relationship
79
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:33,841
and realizing... nah.
80
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:35,476
-Nah?
-Anyway,
81
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,244
you and Gretchen--
I have thoughts.
82
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:40,514
You can be unsupportive to her
now, but that will not fly
83
00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:43,851
-once you're married.
-I am incredibly supportive.
84
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:46,086
You guys are supposed to be
creating a life together.
85
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:48,689
The only way that works
is if you take active interest
86
00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:50,324
in the parts
of each other's lives
87
00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:52,025
that don't directly affect you.
88
00:04:52,059 --> 00:04:54,428
Why would I do that?
89
00:04:54,462 --> 00:04:56,697
Because otherwise, you'll never
really be a couple.
90
00:04:56,730 --> 00:04:59,533
You'll just be two people.
91
00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:03,203
Let's get to work on the script.
92
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,271
Okay.
93
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,306
(typing)
94
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:14,748
(ringtone playing)
95
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:19,286
Mike, don't forget
to not let me forget
96
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,888
to text Sway in the Morning
in the morning.
97
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:22,890
I mean, tomorrow morning.
98
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:24,925
Figure it out! Bye.
99
00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:29,162
Ooh, what are you doing?
100
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:32,966
Boss shit. Walk with me.
101
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,136
Can you believe this place?
102
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,539
It's an old asbestos factory.
103
00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:40,374
I found it advertised
on Craigslist
104
00:05:40,408 --> 00:05:42,410
as a hipster wedding venue.
105
00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:43,411
Cool, huh?
106
00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:45,913
Yep. Real dope.
107
00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:48,015
If tonight doesn't
go flawlessly,
108
00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:50,317
Yvette is gonna have
my ovaries on a platter.
109
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,520
That woman plays like
she's warm and caring,
110
00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:55,589
but that ho once fired a dude
for getting ball cancer.
111
00:05:55,623 --> 00:05:57,825
Sure, but shouldn't you be
doing wedding shit?
112
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:01,094
-It's 29 days away.
-Why does everyone know that?
113
00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:03,564
Remember when you made us all
download that wedding app
114
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:05,999
'cause it came with a coupon
for Souplantation?
115
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:09,069
Oh, right-- what the fuck?
I never got my soup.
116
00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:13,173
Look, if I can do this, I can
easily pull off getting married.
117
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:15,042
What those words mean?
118
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:18,211
This job is not something I ever
wanted, but now that I have it,
119
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:20,848
I realize how important
it is to me.
120
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,450
So I'm gonna really try
for once,
121
00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:23,684
really knock it out of the park.
122
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,085
Huh?
123
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:27,788
Jimmy is my job
in this metaphor.
124
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:31,224
Oh! That's really smart.
125
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:32,626
Why are you dressed like that?
126
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,394
My smart girl clothes?
127
00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:36,597
Well, I have a date tonight,
128
00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:40,400
and the guy's profile says
he reads books, so...
129
00:06:40,434 --> 00:06:42,269
(chuckles) Lindsay,
you're not doing that thing
130
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:45,038
where you try on a new identity
for a man again, are you?
131
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:46,440
What? I don't do that.
132
00:06:46,474 --> 00:06:47,941
You spent last week
at Burning Man
133
00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:49,376
with that dude you met off Raya.
134
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:52,613
Don't bring Burner culture
into this.
135
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:55,048
-(screams)
-Bitch, you are jumpy as hell.
136
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:56,650
What's wrong with you?
137
00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:59,219
Nothing. Walk with me.
138
00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:02,289
Oh, a walk and talk?
Hell yeah.
139
00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:03,724
You heard the track yet?
140
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,226
Ugh, no. Crap.
I've been so busy.
141
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,295
For once, I believe you.
142
00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:11,565
Yeah, it's like an actual
competent person planned this.
143
00:07:11,599 --> 00:07:14,635
Geez, maybe you'll even be able
to handle being married.
144
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:16,069
That's what I said.
145
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:18,138
This is your room.
I will check in later.
146
00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:20,941
-I-I'm Honey Nutz.
-She knows.
147
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:23,977
This RSVP list is so long,
148
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:26,146
somebody's gonna call
the fire marshal.
149
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:28,448
I can't wait for the recap.
150
00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:30,083
Y-You're not staying?
151
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,820
Forcing my staff to go
on a team-building retreat
152
00:07:32,853 --> 00:07:35,422
just so I can have
the office to myself
153
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:39,927
is my form of getting drunk
at a listening party.
154
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:43,864
Don't ever become a boss,
Gretchen. It sucks.
155
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,933
What it do? What it d...?
156
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,536
Oh, no.
Where do all those doors go?
157
00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:51,805
Your green room is over there.
I'll check in soon.
158
00:07:56,376 --> 00:08:00,213
I hope you understand
the magnitude of this event.
159
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,149
It's not just your ass
on the line.
160
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:05,485
I really want you to rise
to the occasion, Gretchen.
161
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:08,155
I'll try. Got to fix that light!
162
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,393
Hey! You have a face I've seen.
163
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:14,862
Can I get a ride back
to the office?
164
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:16,530
Um, sure.
165
00:08:16,564 --> 00:08:19,533
As long as you keep that shit
off my leather seats.
166
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:23,036
Oh, no. Don't worry.
This is all going in my mouth.
167
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:27,741
(typing)
168
00:08:27,775 --> 00:08:29,376
And...
169
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,645
done with the adult
breastfeeding scene.
170
00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:33,981
Plus, I made a list
of some great pub names.
171
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:36,717
Ready?
The Erstwhile Butler.
172
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:40,353
First of all, I don't have the
mental bandwidth to stay attuned
173
00:08:40,387 --> 00:08:42,890
to Gretchen's
every little mood shift.
174
00:08:42,923 --> 00:08:46,059
Fine. Hogwash and Smeagan.
That might be my favorite...
175
00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:48,195
Secondly, it is precisely
because Gretchen and I
176
00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:50,063
lead separate lives that we're
such a successful couple.
177
00:08:50,097 --> 00:08:51,498
EDGAR:
The Blunt Governess.
178
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,601
The Exchequer's Folly.
179
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:56,570
If we were to share every iota
of our lives with each other,
180
00:08:56,604 --> 00:08:58,171
there would be nothing
to talk about.
181
00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:00,107
The Fox and Ferret.
The Bullfrog's Ale-Wife.
182
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:03,110
Counter-instinctually, it is
separation that draws us closer.
183
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:04,778
Farthings.
184
00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:06,847
And that keen understanding
of the human psyche
185
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:10,250
is exactly why I am the one
making mid-to-high six figures
186
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:11,952
for a screenplay
while you're here
187
00:09:11,985 --> 00:09:13,386
stuck pitching me pub names.
188
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:15,889
Hmm.
189
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,895
Where do you think you're going?
190
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:24,564
To go for a walk
and find somewhere quiet
191
00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:25,966
to write the V-Day scene.
192
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:28,902
-Maybe the park.
-But I was talking to you.
193
00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:31,705
And I didn't like the way
you were talking to me,
194
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:35,943
so I am calmly removing myself
from the situation.
195
00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:37,244
Fine.
196
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:38,879
We'll go write in the park.
197
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:41,381
It'll give me a chance
to break in my shoes.
198
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:42,983
Edgar, I said fine.
199
00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:47,020
Wait for me.
200
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:51,825
(laughs) Which is why I'm
wearing my smart girl outfit,
201
00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:53,894
even though my friend said
it was a bad idea.
202
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:56,396
But what does she know? She
and Jimmy are exactly the same.
203
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:57,765
Most people have
to change a little
204
00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:59,232
to make sure someone likes them.
205
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:00,901
And anyway, who knows?
I could read books.
206
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:03,837
(gasps)
Whoa! No one's here!
207
00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:07,107
Which means
the bosses aren't here.
208
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:10,811
Well, I'm here,
and I need to get to work.
209
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:14,147
Let's do something fun,
like rolly chair races!
210
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:16,616
Whee!
211
00:10:16,650 --> 00:10:20,487
Oh! Or leave fake love notes
in people's offices.
212
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:23,490
Really fuck some people up.
213
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:26,593
(laughs)
Lindsay, you're very amusing,
214
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:28,595
but I truly need to get to work.
215
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:32,199
I know! Let's raid the fridge
for leftovers.
216
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:37,037
(chuckles)
Who brings the best stuff?
217
00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:41,875
-Well, always go Colin first.
-Yeah.
218
00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:43,343
Then Rebecca, Torshiro,
219
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,645
that weird guy from Accounting
with the thing on his neck.
220
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,147
Ooh, yeah. Gross.
221
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:48,648
* Don't be jealous *
222
00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:50,217
* Don't be jealous,
don't be jealous *
223
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:52,519
* One, two, Nock Nock's
coming for you *
224
00:10:52,552 --> 00:10:54,855
* Three, four,
Nock Nock's at your door *
225
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:57,991
* Five, six,
now you got syphilis *
226
00:10:58,025 --> 00:11:00,861
* Seven, eight, bitch,
it's way too late! *
227
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:03,396
(screams)
* This is mayhem *
228
00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:06,066
* Nock Nock coming straight from
your a.m., I'm the illest *
229
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,567
* I got illness,
I'm the trillest *
230
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:08,635
* I write thrillers... *
231
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,871
Did your boy bring it or what?
232
00:11:10,904 --> 00:11:15,642
You absolutely brought it.
233
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,245
I can't believe
you were that good.
234
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,813
Me neither.
235
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:23,183
I guess working with my idols
made me step up.
236
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:25,385
Usually it's just me
in the shower
237
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:27,054
and Charles on the toilet
running the beat.
238
00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:28,722
Oh, dang, I forgot
to remind the sitter
239
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,858
to crush up Charles' medication
in his Tuna Helper.
240
00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:32,760
I'll let you get to that.
241
00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:37,364
Hey, Gretchen.
242
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:39,132
Thanks for believing in me.
243
00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:47,074
-JIMMY: Let me explain
something to you.
-EDGAR: Mm-hmm.
244
00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:50,043
To primitive people,
the unknown, like,
245
00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:51,879
"Will the sun come up tomorrow?"
246
00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:55,548
and "Why did a woolly mammoth
just crush my Uncle Thag?"
247
00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:58,018
was so unfathomably terrifying
248
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,888
that they would make up myths
to give a false order
249
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:04,858
-to what seemed like
a capricious, entropic world.
-Hmm.
250
00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:07,560
JIMMY: And this same type
of magical thinking
251
00:12:07,594 --> 00:12:11,198
is why certain couples do
everything together.
252
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:14,467
Tammy and Bernard both go
to his dermatologist appointment
253
00:12:14,501 --> 00:12:18,205
because they think the combined
force of their love and devotion
254
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,407
will keep it
from being melanoma,
255
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:21,608
but it won't.
256
00:12:21,641 --> 00:12:23,710
Do you know what will
keep it from being,
257
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,813
metaphorically speaking,
melanoma?
258
00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:28,381
Being fucking interesting.
259
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,717
Remaining interesting
as individuals
260
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:35,122
will stave off the malignancy
that is romantic complacency,
261
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:37,724
not thirstily doing
everything together,
262
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,993
like Charles and Camilla
263
00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:42,796
or the Property Brothers.
264
00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:45,465
You can admit
you're scared to get married.
265
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:48,902
-What? I'm not scared.
-It's okay, Jimmy.
266
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:51,438
I no longer look up to you,
so you have no height
267
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:52,840
from which to fall.
268
00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:54,641
Ah, I understand
what's happening.
269
00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:56,643
You're pushing me away
before I get married
270
00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:58,111
and you're left out in the cold.
271
00:12:58,145 --> 00:13:00,147
I didn't ask for this to happen,
it just did.
272
00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:03,750
Like when Neo saw the Matrix,
I now see you as my equal.
273
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,153
Well, stop it.
274
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:08,188
(choral group harmonizing)
275
00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:38,551
See? This illustrates
my point perfectly.
276
00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:40,020
This is something that Gretchen
277
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:42,455
would absolutely
lose her shit over.
278
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:45,325
But if she were here,
experiencing what I experience,
279
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:46,793
what would there be to say?
280
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,561
"Ooh, that was cool."
"I agree."
281
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,230
"Should we just give up
and die now?"
282
00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:51,932
"Sure."
283
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:02,342
-That was cool.
-Yeah, it really was.
284
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:04,711
And if you were together, you
could've both experienced it.
285
00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:07,714
It would become part of the
fabric of your relationship
286
00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:11,051
as opposed to something
that just happened to you.
287
00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:14,854
Let's keep walking.
I need to break in my shoes.
288
00:14:34,641 --> 00:14:38,045
SAM: Bitch, you making me dizzy!
Just go ahead and tell us
289
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:39,446
-what you fucked up!
-(groans)
290
00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:41,681
I was trying to think
of a profesh way to say this,
291
00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:46,386
but, uh... Ooh, you guys
suck ass on the track.
292
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:47,955
No, that is unfair.
293
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:50,857
You guys are very okay on it,
294
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:52,892
but Nock Nock's verse
is so good,
295
00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:55,628
he makes you guys
sound like you suck ass.
296
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:58,131
-Don't even start.
-I didn't say anything.
297
00:14:58,165 --> 00:14:59,532
What's going on?
298
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:01,534
I told him Nock Nock
murdered us.
299
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:03,603
We got to find something else
to play tonight.
300
00:15:03,636 --> 00:15:05,038
We playing that damn track.
301
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,707
Do you really want to risk
getting embarrassed?
302
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:12,445
I am an established artist
with a worldwide fan base.
303
00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:14,881
-Mm.
-Our okayest shit is worth more
304
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,917
than that yellow-toothed
redneck's entire life!
305
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:19,319
Come on, now!
306
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:22,755
Would you rather buy
an amateur's best still life
307
00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:25,892
or a napkin scribble-scrabble
by Picasso?
308
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:28,161
Would you rather eat
your Aunt Diane's
309
00:15:28,195 --> 00:15:31,098
beef bourguignon
310
00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:34,234
or a plate of scrambled eggs
311
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:36,169
by Ludo Lefebvre?
312
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:39,006
I got a version of the song
without Nock Nock.
313
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:40,640
Great. We'll go with that.
314
00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:43,643
I mean, that's probably the
safer option, right? Yeah. Yeah.
315
00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:48,181
So I did a good job
and I'm being punished for it?
316
00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:51,084
I wouldn't say punished--
more like they want to nullify
317
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:54,687
the existence of your verse
forever in a constructive way.
318
00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:57,857
You're playing
that track tonight.
319
00:15:57,890 --> 00:16:00,193
But I just told you I can't.
320
00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:03,296
Nah, you told me your dinosaur
clients are sad I murdered them.
321
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:06,633
Wow, I thought Sam and the boys
were your heroes.
322
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:09,602
Sure, but everybody's heroes
got to fall off at some point.
323
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:12,972
I'm the future of hip-hop,
whether they like it or not.
324
00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:16,976
Play my shit, Gretchen.
325
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:20,447
That's why I'm here.
326
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,816
If you don't, I won't be here,
327
00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:26,353
or anywhere.
328
00:16:26,386 --> 00:16:28,521
I mean, I'll always be somewhere
329
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:31,991
'cause matter can't ever
truly disappear.
330
00:16:33,260 --> 00:16:36,896
But I won't be with you.
Feel me?
331
00:16:41,068 --> 00:16:44,304
(giggles) So, after disc golf
on the playa,
332
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:47,874
while I was being treated by
the medic for the scorpion bite,
333
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:51,044
I had this feeling
of... acceptance.
334
00:16:51,078 --> 00:16:54,314
I fucking hated every minute
being in the desert
335
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:57,417
with a bunch of dirty assholes,
but...
336
00:16:57,450 --> 00:17:01,354
I could learn to love it
for the right person.
337
00:17:01,388 --> 00:17:03,323
You can't force love.
338
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:07,927
But I want it now!
I want someone to love me.
339
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,062
I'm ready.
340
00:17:09,096 --> 00:17:10,430
I'll do whatever it takes,
341
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:12,099
even if I have
to change my name,
342
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:15,435
my hair, the date
on my birth certificate.
343
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:17,270
I'll leave out
all the bad details of me,
344
00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:20,039
like that time I got an STD
345
00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:22,775
from that tall season four
American Idol loser.
346
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:25,878
-Sanjaya?
-No, chlamydia.
347
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:27,347
(laughs)
348
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:30,250
What? I don't have it anymore.
349
00:17:30,283 --> 00:17:33,019
Stop looking for who to be.
350
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,787
Because guess what.
351
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,093
You already are her.
352
00:17:40,127 --> 00:17:42,795
I'm who?
353
00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,370
(sighs)
354
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,372
* Take that lock and key *
355
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,974
* Lock them dreams up for me *
356
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:57,310
* Take that heart and soul *
357
00:17:57,344 --> 00:17:59,279
* And never let it go,
never let it go... *
358
00:17:59,312 --> 00:18:00,413
You good with this?
359
00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:02,915
Oh, hell yeah!
360
00:18:02,949 --> 00:18:05,785
* And make sure
you're on your way *
361
00:18:05,818 --> 00:18:09,289
* Be what you want to be,
want to be *
362
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:11,624
* And I'm not worried
about yesterday *
363
00:18:11,658 --> 00:18:14,127
* And I'm not worried
about what tomorrow brings *
364
00:18:14,161 --> 00:18:16,996
* Oh, oh... *
365
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:18,398
(line ringing)
366
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,400
Hi! Oh, no.
367
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:23,002
You're doing your intense
meth lady smoking thing.
368
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:25,138
Is everything all right?
369
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:27,507
-Where are you?
-Shit.
370
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,809
No, it's not okay.
371
00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:31,744
I'm hiding in this
weird lifty thingy,
372
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:34,080
because it turns out that Nock
Nock is a really good rapper
373
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:36,283
and he made the boys look bad,
so now they're demanding
374
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:37,750
that I play the version
without him.
375
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,986
But Nock Nock knows
that he murdered them,
376
00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:42,422
so he's demanding
that I play his version.
377
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,192
And our marriage depends on me
being able to work this out.
378
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:47,260
-Huh?
-It's a metaphor, Jimmy.
379
00:18:47,294 --> 00:18:50,263
No matter what I do here,
I piss someone off.
380
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:52,832
Did you just say Nock Nock's
a really good rapper?
381
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:55,768
This is a serious crisis.
What should I do?
382
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:57,637
Oh, okay.
Well, l-let's think.
383
00:18:57,670 --> 00:19:01,874
Perhaps there's someone nearby
whose entire vocation
384
00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:05,445
revolves around
handling crises. Huh?
385
00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:06,779
Oh, look there's one.
386
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,181
Ha!
387
00:19:08,215 --> 00:19:09,849
Damn it.
388
00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:11,684
(groans)
389
00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:14,554
Thanks for answering.
I just needed to vent.
390
00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:15,588
Any time.
391
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:23,129
You should be with her.
She's gonna do something dumb.
392
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:26,699
Edgar, she told me her problem,
I listened and solved it.
393
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:28,501
We had our separate experiences,
394
00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:30,737
then came together in the end,
just like I said.
395
00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:33,740
We don't need to be together
to be together.
396
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:35,141
Then why did you lead us here?
397
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:39,346
Look, when we came across
that zoo opera,
398
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:41,648
all I wanted was
to see Gretchen smile,
399
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:45,017
but when I turned around,
all I saw was your dumb face.
400
00:19:45,051 --> 00:19:47,186
Sorry. I suppose
you don't want me saying
401
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:49,021
those kind of things
to you anymore.
402
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:51,491
Nah, it's okay. It's kind of
a dumb face sometimes.
403
00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:53,693
Anyways, now that we're here,
404
00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:56,596
it'd be silly
not to go in, right?
405
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:59,699
I think it would mean
a lot to her. Yes.
406
00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:04,771
* Like a preacher,
lay my hands on it *
407
00:20:04,804 --> 00:20:06,873
* I don't want it
if it ain't no ... on it *
408
00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:08,775
* I don't want it, I don't want
it, I don't want it *
409
00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:11,844
* I don't want it
if it ain't no ... on it *
410
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:14,180
-* Goddamn *
-* Throw my cash on it *
411
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,449
* I don't want it
if it ain't no ... on it *
412
00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:19,286
What version am I playing?
413
00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:22,255
* I don't want it if it
ain't no ... on it *
414
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:24,223
* I don't want it, I don't
want it, I don't want it *
415
00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:26,926
* I don't want it
if it ain't no ... on it... *
416
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,461
Play that one.
417
00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:30,263
* I don't, I *
418
00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:32,399
* Like a preacher,
lay my hands on it *
419
00:20:32,432 --> 00:20:35,535
* I don't want it
if it ain't no ... on it *
420
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:38,070
* I don't want it, I don't
want it, I don't want it *
421
00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:40,573
* I don't want it
if it ain't no ... on it *
422
00:20:40,607 --> 00:20:43,042
-* Goddamn *
-* Throw my cash on it *
423
00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:46,479
* I don't want it
if it ain't no ... on it *
424
00:20:46,513 --> 00:20:48,381
* Baby, grab on it *
425
00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:50,950
* I don't want it
if it ain't no ... on it... *
426
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:56,155
JIMMY:
Gretchen! Gretchen!
427
00:20:56,188 --> 00:21:01,728
This is the first time
I've seen her walk with purpose.
428
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,129
It's quite sexy.
429
00:21:03,162 --> 00:21:05,565
I'm glad we came.
430
00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:08,635
Me, too. Thank you.
431
00:21:10,837 --> 00:21:12,071
(air horn sound effect)
432
00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:15,007
SAM:
Okay, okay, okay, everybody!
433
00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:17,910
(people cheering)
434
00:21:17,944 --> 00:21:21,080
We appreciate y'all coming out
to hear our new shit!
435
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:23,516
-Reboot!
-I'm Honey Nutz.
436
00:21:23,550 --> 00:21:27,153
But first let me introduce
to you the mystery artist
437
00:21:27,186 --> 00:21:29,589
y'all been waiting on.
438
00:21:29,622 --> 00:21:33,025
Give it up for my dude
Nock Nock.
439
00:21:33,059 --> 00:21:36,028
(cheering and applause)
440
00:21:36,062 --> 00:21:39,966
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be
hearing his shit very soon.
441
00:21:39,999 --> 00:21:42,935
Very soon.
Like right now!
442
00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:44,337
(feedback)
443
00:21:44,371 --> 00:21:46,939
Actually, less soon than that.
444
00:21:46,973 --> 00:21:50,443
Hey, so what'd she say when you
confronted her about the pills?
445
00:21:50,477 --> 00:21:53,446
-Nothing. I didn't ask her.
-Why not?
446
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,214
Because we don't do that.
447
00:21:55,247 --> 00:21:57,650
Jimmy, she's taking
more and more,
448
00:21:57,684 --> 00:21:59,285
and some
of the really weird stuff.
449
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,554
She's fine.
450
00:22:01,588 --> 00:22:03,990
This isn't old depressed
Gretchen.
451
00:22:04,023 --> 00:22:06,993
She's up and about. She cares
about her job for once.
452
00:22:07,026 --> 00:22:08,461
She's fine.
453
00:22:08,495 --> 00:22:09,696
SAM:
...check out our new joint,
454
00:22:09,729 --> 00:22:12,832
featuring a beat
by DJ Squirt Squirt.
455
00:22:12,865 --> 00:22:15,735
"Don't Be Jealous"!
456
00:22:15,768 --> 00:22:17,069
HONEY NUTZ 2:
"Don't Be Jealous."
457
00:22:17,103 --> 00:22:18,971
Yo, hit it, DJ.
Drop that track.
458
00:22:19,005 --> 00:22:21,340
(beat playing)
459
00:22:21,374 --> 00:22:23,710
(laughs)
460
00:22:23,743 --> 00:22:25,878
Which version
do you think he's playing?
461
00:22:25,912 --> 00:22:27,179
(mouths)
462
00:22:32,118 --> 00:22:33,986
MAN:
Yo, let's hear that shit.
463
00:22:34,020 --> 00:22:35,087
DJ:
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah...
464
00:22:35,121 --> 00:22:36,088
Where'd she go?
465
00:22:36,122 --> 00:22:37,524
DJ:
It's time to turn up,
466
00:22:37,557 --> 00:22:39,325
it's time to get...
467
00:22:39,358 --> 00:22:41,293
-(alarm ringing)
-(people shouting)
468
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:06,352
-(Lindsay giggling)
-Stop. Stop.
469
00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,387
(both laugh)
470
00:23:08,421 --> 00:23:11,390
It was fun hanging out
in the boss's office.
471
00:23:11,424 --> 00:23:13,225
-Huh?
-That was really nice.
472
00:23:13,259 --> 00:23:16,228
I know this is
kind of fast, but...
473
00:23:16,262 --> 00:23:18,230
would you want
to get together sometime
474
00:23:18,264 --> 00:23:21,601
to maybe eat each other's
pussies again?
475
00:23:21,634 --> 00:23:26,372
No one's ever put it
quite that way, but...
476
00:23:26,405 --> 00:23:28,775
yeah, I think I do.
477
00:23:28,808 --> 00:23:31,043
-(chuckles)
-Ooh.
478
00:23:31,077 --> 00:23:33,312
-Huh?
-You have some lipstick.
479
00:23:33,345 --> 00:23:35,915
Are those mine?
480
00:23:38,150 --> 00:23:40,286
Keep 'em.
481
00:23:40,319 --> 00:23:43,222
(phone rings)
482
00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:45,658
Yes, this is...
483
00:23:45,692 --> 00:23:50,162
What? Well,
is there a fire or not?
484
00:23:50,196 --> 00:23:51,798
What's wrong?
485
00:23:51,831 --> 00:23:54,767
Sorry, I need to handle this.
486
00:23:54,801 --> 00:23:56,235
Good night, Miss Thompson.
487
00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:57,904
YVETTE:
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
488
00:23:57,937 --> 00:24:00,439
Miss Thompson?
489
00:24:00,473 --> 00:24:02,074
All right,
I'll be there in a minute.
490
00:24:02,108 --> 00:24:03,342
Yvette Thomp...
491
00:24:03,375 --> 00:24:05,111
(gasps)
492
00:24:06,546 --> 00:24:08,515
(indistinct shouting)
493
00:24:08,548 --> 00:24:12,351
* When I saw you there
in the moonlight *
494
00:24:12,384 --> 00:24:14,821
* I started to cry *
495
00:24:16,856 --> 00:24:19,258
* For you were there
with another girl... *
496
00:24:19,291 --> 00:24:20,693
Ah...
497
00:24:20,727 --> 00:24:24,764
* And you were my guy *
498
00:24:24,797 --> 00:24:27,433
* And then I knew
that my plans *
499
00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:31,804
* And my dreams
now were all in vain *
500
00:24:31,838 --> 00:24:34,006
(siren wailing)
501
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,776
* And the tears came tumbling *
502
00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:40,947
-* Whoa, tumbling *
-* Tears came tumbling *
503
00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:46,385
* Down like rain *
504
00:24:46,418 --> 00:24:48,721
* I watched you
holding her hand *
505
00:24:48,755 --> 00:24:52,525
* And you whisked her
so tenderly *
506
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:59,465
* And I thought of the time
when I'd once loved you *
507
00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:02,501
* Here was me... *
508
00:25:07,073 --> 00:25:10,042
(dog barks)
509
00:25:13,045 --> 00:25:15,047
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
510
00:25:17,750 --> 00:25:20,820
-We're not having a wedding.
-We're eloping, suckas!
511
00:25:20,853 --> 00:25:23,489
(gasps)
It's like Inception for pooping.
512
00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:25,024
-(muffled screaming)
-(chiming)
513
00:25:26,358 --> 00:25:27,694
(screaming)
514
00:25:27,727 --> 00:25:29,495
ANNOUNCER: You're the Worst.
The final season.
515
00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:31,864
All new.
Wednesdays at 10:00 only on FXX.
516
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:35,434
(grunts)
517
00:25:36,869 --> 00:25:38,571
This is just-- This is--
518
00:25:38,605 --> 00:25:41,273
(grunts) Seriously?
519
00:25:41,307 --> 00:25:42,208
Whoo.
520
00:25:45,712 --> 00:25:47,246
Who's the lucky guy?
521
00:25:48,280 --> 00:25:49,882
ANNOUNCER: Better Things.
522
00:25:49,916 --> 00:25:51,751
All new
Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.
523
00:25:54,086 --> 00:25:56,122
The problems with living
with other vampires
524
00:25:56,155 --> 00:25:58,424
are the vampires
I have chosen to stay with.
525
00:25:58,457 --> 00:26:01,527
Last night there were
all these people half-drunk.
526
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:03,029
Well, where did they find
the alcohol?
527
00:26:03,062 --> 00:26:05,264
-No, they'd been half drunk.
-Oh.
528
00:26:05,297 --> 00:26:09,468
Please, finish a whole victim
before moving on to a next one.
Okay?
529
00:26:09,501 --> 00:26:12,605
-I've got my cape
caught in the door.
-Well, yank it out!
530
00:26:12,639 --> 00:26:14,106
(shouts)
531
00:26:14,140 --> 00:26:17,043
Master, this is pretty macabre.
532
00:26:17,076 --> 00:26:18,778
(scoffs)
533
00:26:18,811 --> 00:26:19,879
(exclaims, screams)
534
00:26:19,912 --> 00:26:21,147
What We Do in the Shadows,
535
00:26:21,180 --> 00:26:23,616
all new Wednesdays at 10:00
on FX.
536
00:26:26,185 --> 00:26:28,454
MAN: Five, six, seven, eight.
537
00:26:28,487 --> 00:26:34,393
-(drumming)
-(horns playing)
538
00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:36,629
(fingers snapping)
539
00:26:50,176 --> 00:26:53,713
-Again.
-(fingers snapping)
39748
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