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1
00:00:03,037 --> 00:00:04,972
ANNOUNCER: From Ryan Murphy,
2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:07,908
The Assassination
of Gianni Versace.
3
00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:10,544
Coming soon only on FX.
4
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:16,817
FXX presents You're the Worst.
5
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:24,725
Yes, I did choose to V.O.D.
the film through your service,
6
00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:27,928
but my end-user experience
was unsatisfactory.
7
00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:30,398
No, no. There was no lag time.
8
00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:31,732
Everything was fine.
9
00:00:31,765 --> 00:00:34,435
Well, you see, Mario,
10
00:00:34,468 --> 00:00:37,004
the problem is The Babadook...
11
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,006
Yeah, it's not scary.
12
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,574
(whispers):
It's actually so scary.
13
00:00:40,608 --> 00:00:41,875
-I'm gonna make you watch it.
-Then why do you
14
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:43,611
-want a refund?
-They just give you free shit.
15
00:00:43,644 --> 00:00:46,614
I told U-verse that I got
seizures from watching Legion--
16
00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,716
they gave me six months NBA TV.
17
00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:49,717
-(whispers): Yeah.
-(car doors closing)
18
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,885
-(car alarm chirps)
-Shit-sticks.
19
00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:54,588
Uh, hide. You can't be here.
20
00:00:54,622 --> 00:00:55,689
Gretchen can be anywhere!
21
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,558
That crumplesack Neil
is dropping off Olivia.
22
00:00:57,591 --> 00:01:00,628
I'm not supposed to let a lover
hang with the kid until Whitney
23
00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,963
-meets her and approves.
-I'll meet your ex-wife.
24
00:01:02,996 --> 00:01:04,398
I'll meet anyone.
25
00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:06,900
I met January Jones once.
26
00:01:06,934 --> 00:01:09,237
Hey, Booner.
Olivia ran next door
27
00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:12,540
to play on the Coughlins'
trampoline. Okay, bye.
28
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:15,776
Hey, so...
I've started seeing someone.
29
00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:17,478
She wants to meet Whitney.
30
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:18,912
Oh. Uh...
31
00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:21,615
Our shared calendar says
she's free this afternoon.
32
00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:24,218
Shared calendar?
(mimics whip crack)
33
00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:25,786
(laughs)
34
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:27,321
-Sorry.
-Real mature.
35
00:01:27,355 --> 00:01:28,422
-I said sorry.
-Whatever.
36
00:01:28,456 --> 00:01:30,424
Yes, Neil,
I have a hot girlfriend
37
00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:33,461
who likes it when I give it
to her every day, hard,
38
00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:34,795
sometimes twice.
39
00:01:34,828 --> 00:01:38,432
So, have fun
having zero sex ever.
40
00:01:38,466 --> 00:01:39,600
Why are you like this?!
41
00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:41,302
Maybe 'cause you're living
in my house,
42
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:43,637
farting on my Tempur-Pedic,
next to my wife,
43
00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:45,639
you walking circumcision!
44
00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:47,408
-You need therapy.
-I don't...
45
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:50,344
You need therapy!
You creepy little turd!
46
00:01:50,378 --> 00:01:52,613
-(door slams)
-You jug of ball sweat!
47
00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:54,515
This afternoon?
48
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:56,784
Okay, bring it on.
49
00:01:56,817 --> 00:02:00,254
Once I get a gallon
of tomato juice and beer in me,
50
00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:01,922
I am hella charming.
51
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,757
She's gonna grill you.
52
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:05,593
Grill away, bitch.
53
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:06,794
(gags)
54
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:08,662
This ranch tastes funny, boo.
55
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:09,663
We don't have ranch.
56
00:02:09,697 --> 00:02:11,399
*
57
00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:23,677
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
58
00:02:23,711 --> 00:02:26,714
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
59
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:28,249
* Gonna leave you anyway.
60
00:02:33,521 --> 00:02:35,689
NPR ANNOUNCER: This week
on "Tip of My Tongue..."
61
00:02:35,723 --> 00:02:37,891
CONTESTANT: I guess I'd rename
the Miracle Mile the, uh,
62
00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:40,228
-Cursed Kilometer.
-(laughter)
63
00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:42,396
(Katherine laughs)
64
00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:43,564
Morning!
65
00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:44,565
Katherine.
66
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:45,833
Hello.
67
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,404
So...
68
00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:54,308
not that I regret last night...
69
00:02:54,342 --> 00:02:56,744
I mean, on principle,
I don't regret things,
70
00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,546
not even buying tickets
71
00:02:58,579 --> 00:03:00,714
to see Billy Bob Thornton's
band, but...
72
00:03:00,748 --> 00:03:02,583
But there are no sleepovers.
73
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:05,519
Got it. Won't happen again.
74
00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:18,366
Well, it's been weird,
75
00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:20,668
but ultimately delightful
seeing you, Jimmy.
76
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:24,238
You're right,
it got much bigger.
77
00:03:24,272 --> 00:03:25,539
-I'm just gonna get me coat.
-(phone vibrates)
78
00:03:27,475 --> 00:03:32,746
Hey, guess who's about to buy
his first brand-new car?
79
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:36,216
My main dude Max has a guy
who sets up the loan
80
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:39,353
and delivers it to you
like a pri-zza!
81
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:42,390
What the hell does Gretchen mean
by this? "We need to talk."
82
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:44,892
There's a special circle in hell
for people who say,
83
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:47,561
"We need to talk,"
instead of just talking.
84
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:48,562
Fire back, bruh.
85
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,931
I shall.
86
00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:56,470
(chuckles):
Yeah.
87
00:03:56,504 --> 00:03:59,307
Take that.
88
00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:00,541
Well, I'm off.
89
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,443
(phone vibrates)
90
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:07,548
Where are you going?
91
00:04:07,581 --> 00:04:09,750
Meeting a few mates for brunch.
92
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:13,487
Perfect. I need a mimosa or six.
93
00:04:13,521 --> 00:04:15,656
Let me just put on some pants.
94
00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:24,565
Nice.
95
00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,500
Right?
96
00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:30,404
YOUNG LINDSAY: Mommy, over here!
Mommy! Mommy! Mom!
97
00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:33,240
-This is so sweet.
-YOUNG LINDSAY (on video): Mom!
98
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:36,510
Sweet? No! Look!
99
00:04:36,544 --> 00:04:38,679
You were doing foot sex
with Lou Diamond Phillips
100
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,381
instead of
paying attention to us!
101
00:04:41,449 --> 00:04:44,985
Am I supposed to feel something
about that?
102
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:46,920
Maybe regret
that your daughters--
103
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,457
one more than the other,
obviously--
104
00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:51,258
are broken because of you.
105
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:55,363
Lou and I happened to have had
explosive sexual chemistry.
106
00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:57,698
He could make me climax
by whispering in my ear.
107
00:04:57,731 --> 00:05:00,668
You ignored us constantly.
I played in the street,
108
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:04,672
I ate watch batteries, I went
on a date with Edward Furlong.
109
00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:06,273
But you're fine.
110
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,542
I am married to Vernon,
111
00:05:08,576 --> 00:05:12,380
a man who shaves his pubic hair
into the letter "V."
112
00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:13,947
Well, I don't know
what to tell you.
113
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:15,983
And I've got to get to the set.
114
00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:18,352
Go.
115
00:05:18,386 --> 00:05:21,689
Deal with your problems
like normal people.
116
00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:24,024
-Split a Klonopin.
-(Becca scoffs)
117
00:05:25,693 --> 00:05:29,497
You saw the tape.
We were... happy little girls.
118
00:05:30,864 --> 00:05:32,866
How did we turn out like this?
119
00:05:34,568 --> 00:05:38,372
Hey, did you ever hear from Lou
after he and Mom broke up?
120
00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:39,807
BECCA:
Never.
121
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,975
-Did you?
-Not a peep.
122
00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:44,745
Unless he's the one who's been
leaving notes on my car
123
00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:47,515
saying "learn how to park."
124
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,417
But it's weird. Isn't it?
125
00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:51,419
He lived with us for,
like, three years.
126
00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:55,489
Yeah, he drove me to dressage
every week in junior high,
127
00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:57,725
and then he just... disappeared.
128
00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:59,693
He wasn't there when I finally
got Princess Pamplemousse
129
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,028
to do the moonwalk.
130
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:04,231
That's what I'm saying: he could
have kept being our dad-not-dad,
131
00:06:04,264 --> 00:06:06,366
but he straight bailed.
132
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,402
What if it's us?
133
00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:09,403
What?
134
00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:12,406
What if the reason
Mom neglected us
135
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:15,342
and Lou vanished us
is that we've always sucked?
136
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,444
(laughs):
No.
137
00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:19,212
I was the perfect, special girl.
138
00:06:19,246 --> 00:06:21,749
I...
139
00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:25,385
Let's go ask him.
140
00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:28,556
Mom misremembers everything
about our childhoods.
141
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:30,724
She showed me a photo of her
and Christina Ricci
142
00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:32,926
on the set of Mermaids
and told me it was us
143
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,628
on vacation in Orlando.
144
00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:36,430
Yes! Let's do it.
145
00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:38,932
Lou was always honest with us,
no matter--
146
00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:40,934
-and there's his dick. Okay.
-Oh.
147
00:06:48,676 --> 00:06:50,611
WHITNEY:
Gretchen.
148
00:06:50,644 --> 00:06:52,613
(quietly):
Balls.
149
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:55,382
Yes. Gretchen is me.
150
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:56,984
I mean, I.
151
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:58,452
-Whitney.
-Oh.
152
00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:08,228
Hmm.
153
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:12,966
I hope you don't mind, but I did
a little research on you.
154
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,737
You post to Urban Dictionary
a lot.
155
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,572
People got to know.
156
00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:20,774
You don't want people walking
around not knowing what you mean
157
00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:23,777
when you tell them
you just skunked a creamer.
158
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:26,514
Um, did you know
there's a 14-year-old girl
159
00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:27,815
with your name?
160
00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:30,250
That is also me.
161
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,653
I use "Lil' Gretch"
to catch pedophiles
162
00:07:32,686 --> 00:07:36,490
and occasionally cyberbully
Elle Fanning.
163
00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:38,258
Can I get you ladies a drink?
164
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:39,760
Just an iced hibiscus tea.
165
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:43,363
I'll have a Long Island...
juice.
166
00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:44,865
(ringtone plays)
167
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:47,635
Oh, sorry.
168
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:51,204
-(phone beeps)
-I got to take this.
169
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:52,372
What?
170
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:53,373
(whispers):
Hey.
171
00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:56,710
Double shot of PatrĂ³n
in my juice?
172
00:07:56,744 --> 00:07:58,546
And if you narc on me,
I will cut you.
173
00:07:58,579 --> 00:08:01,214
(quietly):
Okay.
174
00:08:01,248 --> 00:08:02,382
(sighs)
175
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,455
GROUP (singsongy):
Sunday Funday,
176
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:10,390
better than a Monday!
177
00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:14,728
Can only do it one way,
and that is the drunk way!
178
00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,997
-Gag.
-Really.
179
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:20,367
My friends are all a bit posh.
Try not to embarrass me.
180
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,369
(scoffs)
I am here to binge drink,
181
00:08:22,402 --> 00:08:24,872
read the Guardian on my phone,
and stumble home.
182
00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:27,541
I don't make friends.
183
00:08:27,575 --> 00:08:30,343
Oh! This is Charlie,
Mariel and Flynn.
184
00:08:30,377 --> 00:08:31,879
-Guys, Jimmy.
-Hello.
185
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:33,413
Oh, six mimosas.
186
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:35,382
Actually, just bring
a bottle of champagne
187
00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:36,917
-and a pitcher of juice.
-Mm-hmm.
188
00:08:38,385 --> 00:08:40,220
-What do you do, Jimmy?
-Novelist.
189
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:41,622
-How do you know Katherine?
-Back home.
190
00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:49,830
Same question,
politely directed back at you.
191
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:52,833
Well, actually, we all met
after Mariel gave a TED Talk
192
00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:54,735
about habit persistence.
193
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:56,236
I'm a macro-economist.
194
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:59,506
Halfway interesting.
What about you two?
195
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,774
Architecture critic
for the Times.
196
00:09:00,808 --> 00:09:02,242
I work at JPL.
197
00:09:02,275 --> 00:09:03,577
Tell Jimmy about your robot.
198
00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:04,878
I don't want to bore the guy.
199
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:06,546
I'm building
200
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:09,216
a self-guided cryobot to drill
the ice deposits on Mars.
201
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:11,685
-It's got spider legs.
-What?!
202
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,787
-So, tell us about your book.
-Oh, it's just a spank book.
203
00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:15,689
Nobody's read it with dry hands.
204
00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:17,290
Oh, you'll appreciate this.
205
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:20,293
I wrote most of it
in a tree house I designed.
206
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,963
Hammered it together and
everything, with the big nails.
207
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:24,765
Did you hear the ad for
next week's "Tip of My Tongue"?
208
00:09:24,798 --> 00:09:27,635
-That Tommy Vietor is so witty.
-Hush.
209
00:09:27,668 --> 00:09:29,369
So, what are you guys
all doing later?
210
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,872
Heading to Pour Haus to taste
their Uco Valley Malbecs.
211
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:34,241
Then, we have a reservation
for an escape room.
212
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:35,776
It's labeled "impossible,"
but we'll see about that.
213
00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:36,977
(laughter)
214
00:09:37,010 --> 00:09:38,545
And the Astrid Jorgen,
215
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,247
the Greenlandic Scream-Singer,
216
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,715
is performing in Chinatown.
217
00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:43,483
Would you want to come?
218
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,786
Wish he could, but you're busy
today, aren't you, Jimmy?
219
00:09:45,819 --> 00:09:47,721
Never!
If I'm being honest,
220
00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:50,390
I basically do nothing
most of the time.
221
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:53,526
Yesterday, I nodded off halfway
through second breakfast.
222
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,502
I almost wonder if I should
take this and sell it on eBay.
223
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:03,570
Ooh.
224
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:05,305
-Huh.
-No, '80s.
225
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:07,340
-Becca! Lindsay!
-(Lindsay gasps)
226
00:10:07,374 --> 00:10:09,810
This is my car!
227
00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:11,244
Wow.
228
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,946
This is a total panty-soaker.
229
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,649
They threw in the Teen
Safety Package for free.
230
00:10:15,683 --> 00:10:17,985
So, my phone won't work
while the engine's on,
231
00:10:18,018 --> 00:10:20,954
and it beeps if I swear.
Max says...
232
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,322
"Max says, Max says."
233
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:24,925
Lindsay says it makes you
look doable.
234
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:25,993
But we do it all the time.
235
00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:27,460
Ugh. Please stop.
236
00:10:28,495 --> 00:10:29,496
(squeals, whoops)
237
00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:31,765
JIMMY:
Okay, uh, careful, please.
238
00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:35,468
-Gentle, be gentle.
-How'd you nab a future car?
239
00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:38,638
Well, um, with my, uh,
spotty credit history,
240
00:10:38,672 --> 00:10:41,975
I had to take out
a seven-year loan with 20% APR.
241
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:44,544
And as soon as
I put my foot on the gas,
242
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:45,879
it started depreciating.
243
00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:47,881
Well, I "de-preciate" this car.
244
00:10:47,915 --> 00:10:49,382
Maybe I should cut my losses,
return it,
245
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:50,617
and get something reasonable.
246
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:51,852
I'm just a grunt...
247
00:10:51,885 --> 00:10:54,387
-Why is he still talking?
-Bored. Drive now.
248
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,624
(slurping)
249
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,993
Jesus Christ,
my job is a mess.
250
00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:01,394
And I'm still trying
to figure out
251
00:11:01,428 --> 00:11:02,629
the vacation hand-off
with Boone.
252
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,798
And Neil keeps bugging me
about wanting braces.
253
00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:06,834
I'm sorry, would...
254
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,336
would you mind
if I ordered a drink?
255
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:10,503
Drinking during the day?
256
00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:12,639
Bring us two alcoholic drinks.
257
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,808
-The same as...?
-Yes, the same as each other.
258
00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:15,909
Ketel One martini with a twist.
259
00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:17,377
I don't even know what that is.
260
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:18,611
Two of those.
261
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,216
I thought the pain of divorce
would end with the papers,
262
00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:25,886
but a breakup is the gift
that keeps on giving.
263
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:28,421
Amen to that.
264
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,523
So... what are
the other questions
265
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:31,558
you have on your list?
266
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:33,593
You could tell I had a list?
267
00:11:35,028 --> 00:11:37,397
I copied it from a blog.
268
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:39,900
Okay.
269
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:43,670
"True or false: dinosaur bones
are a lie sent by the devil."
270
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:46,706
Guess it was a Christian blog?
271
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:48,575
Bible's got some horny parts.
272
00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:49,843
(laughs)
273
00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:52,279
(gasps) Mmm.
274
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:10,297
-Hey!
-(both gasp)
275
00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,232
Stay away from those lemons!
276
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:13,767
Just because they're hanging
over the sidewalk,
277
00:12:13,801 --> 00:12:14,935
doesn't mean they're free!
278
00:12:14,968 --> 00:12:16,469
You people act
279
00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:18,972
like I don't need these lemons,
but I do.
280
00:12:19,006 --> 00:12:20,573
I need them very badly!
281
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:23,911
It's Becca and Lindsay.
282
00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:25,378
Cottumaccio.
283
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:26,914
You railed our mom.
284
00:12:26,947 --> 00:12:30,583
Sorry, you railed our mother,
in the '90s?
285
00:12:33,486 --> 00:12:34,487
Oh, my God.
286
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:35,823
Mm.
287
00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:40,794
Becca? Lindsay?
288
00:12:40,828 --> 00:12:42,729
(laughing)
289
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,664
Oh...
290
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:46,699
*
291
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,840
Mmm! This is good.
292
00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:55,442
It's Country Time.
My lemons aren't juicing lemons.
293
00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:59,246
So... what happened?
294
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,614
(sighs)
295
00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:04,251
I loved your mom.
296
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,419
And when she left me,
I was devastated.
297
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:07,921
I couldn't even stay
in the city anymore.
298
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:09,522
Everything reminded me of her.
299
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:11,324
One day, I'm sitting
on my lanai,
300
00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:12,960
watching my gardeners,
301
00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:15,762
and I thought to myself,
"That's what I want to do."
302
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,365
So, I told my agent,
"From now on, I'm offer-only,"
303
00:13:18,398 --> 00:13:20,367
and I moved out here,
and I put all my energy
304
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:21,801
into my lemon grove.
305
00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:23,803
One thing I know for sure:
306
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:26,506
lemons won't ever
walk out on me.
307
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:28,541
Then why did you just disappear?
308
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:30,377
Was it my bed-wetting?
Because I stopped
309
00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:32,212
eventually, mostly, sort of.
310
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,813
Your mother forbade me from
ever contacting you again.
311
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:34,915
I thought you knew that.
312
00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:38,886
(sighs)
313
00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:41,821
Listening to her is one
of my biggest regrets.
314
00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:43,623
That, and turning down Die Hard.
315
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:45,658
-Why would our mother do that?
-I don't know.
316
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:48,896
I wanted to ask her, but she had
moved on to dating John Stamos.
317
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:50,663
You do not mess with that guy.
318
00:13:50,697 --> 00:13:52,699
I mean, the Beach Boys
were so scared of him,
319
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:55,435
they let him pretend
to play bongos on "Kokomo."
320
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,338
Well, I don't buy it.
321
00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:00,673
You don't just walk away
from people you love.
322
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:02,842
What could I do, girls?
323
00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:04,577
I had no choice.
324
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:06,513
Hey,
325
00:14:06,546 --> 00:14:09,316
I've always wondered--
326
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,384
did you ever get Princess
Pamplemousse to moonwalk?
327
00:14:13,386 --> 00:14:14,721
I did.
328
00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:18,391
Ultimately, it led to
a hairline fracture in her shin,
329
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:19,993
and we had to shoot her,
but...
330
00:14:20,027 --> 00:14:22,562
-she got me that blue ribbon.
-And, Lindsay,
331
00:14:22,595 --> 00:14:24,764
you had always talked about
being a dinosaur.
332
00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:25,999
How'd that go?
333
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:28,001
(laughs)
334
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:30,003
So this is Mom's fault.
335
00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:32,005
Sorry.
336
00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:34,807
We got to go pour water
on a witch.
337
00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:37,744
Thanks, La Bamba-Dad.
338
00:14:37,777 --> 00:14:40,680
Good luck with your lemons.
339
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,782
Oh, I need more than luck.
340
00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:45,752
(exhales)
341
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:53,593
I'm tasting plum,
with hints of violet.
342
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:55,963
And then licorice
and, um, barberry.
343
00:14:55,996 --> 00:14:59,466
Hmm, it seems the fruit
was harvested too early.
344
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:00,934
Oh, why do you say that?
345
00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:04,938
Because I'm tasting notes
of statutory grape.
346
00:15:10,477 --> 00:15:11,444
Mmm.
347
00:15:11,478 --> 00:15:13,580
(sustaining off-key note)
348
00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:16,416
*
349
00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:17,917
(laughing)
350
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:20,954
-Shh!
-Shh, shh!
351
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:24,224
I'm thinking it might be
the outside ones that...
352
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:25,392
You can tilt.
353
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,961
No! No, no, no.
354
00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:30,363
Ooh!
(stammers)
355
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:36,903
(scream-singing continues)
356
00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:39,439
(all laughing)
357
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:43,910
Rystar! That says rystar!
358
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,445
Uh, Rystar... knight!
359
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:46,513
Rystar means knight!
360
00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:47,914
Night! Uh... nighttime!
361
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,349
KATHERINE:
No, here, here, here!
362
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:50,650
Here's the knight,
here's the knight!
363
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:51,684
55!
364
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:53,420
Ooh, the lock, the lock.
365
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:54,787
Yeah.
366
00:15:54,821 --> 00:15:56,456
Oh, I can't breathe.
367
00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:58,591
I can't breathe!
I can't breathe!
368
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:01,528
-Photos. -I'm claustrophobic,
can you let me out?
369
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:05,198
-Let me out!
-(pounding on door)
370
00:16:05,232 --> 00:16:09,536
Let me out!
Let me out!
371
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:13,340
(buzzer sounds)
372
00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:14,941
Oy.
373
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,709
Ta-da! I escaped us.
374
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:19,346
-(sighs)
-Stupid.
375
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:23,216
There is this one mom in the PTA
376
00:16:23,250 --> 00:16:26,686
that I think about knifing
so much,
377
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:29,522
I should take out
a restraining order on me.
378
00:16:29,556 --> 00:16:31,558
You are nuts, hooker!
379
00:16:31,591 --> 00:16:33,726
I used to be fun.
380
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:37,864
I used to wear low-rise jeans
and 'shroom in Joshua Tree.
381
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:43,470
And now, I have to be the
grown-up, but I want to be fun.
382
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:44,804
Hey, now!
383
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:48,375
You are just a lady
doing her A-plus best.
384
00:16:48,408 --> 00:16:52,379
-Mm-hmm. -I wish I had a mom
like you. Can I call you Mom?
385
00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:54,914
I'm glad Boone
found someone nice.
386
00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:59,352
He was so lonely for so long.
387
00:16:59,386 --> 00:17:00,520
Aw.
388
00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:02,389
Let's get another round.
(laughs)
389
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:04,724
(whistles)
390
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:08,561
One thing I do miss
is the spontaneousness.
391
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:09,996
On our second date,
Boone drove us
392
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,364
(distorted):
to Portland to...
393
00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:14,267
GRETCHEN:
No. Gretch, don't black out.
394
00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:16,336
(voice echoing indistinctly)
395
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:20,540
GRETCHEN: Not now. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no! (grunts)
396
00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:27,414
(Whitney moaning)
397
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:34,954
Oh. Mmm.
398
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:38,391
GRETCHEN:
Oh, God.
399
00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:41,228
Oh, no. Why is this?
400
00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:42,895
Harder!
401
00:17:44,597 --> 00:17:46,299
(Whitney moaning)
402
00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:47,467
(giggling):
Oh, God.
403
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,236
This is fun.
404
00:17:49,269 --> 00:17:50,803
I feel fun!
(laughing)
405
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:53,740
Oh, oh, oh, oh, no...
406
00:17:53,773 --> 00:17:55,408
Here I go.
Here I go.
407
00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:56,743
Oh...
408
00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:59,812
Boomtown!
(screams)
409
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:01,781
Oh...
410
00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:04,651
(mouthing)
411
00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:13,760
JIMMY (laughing):
Statutory grape.
412
00:18:13,793 --> 00:18:16,763
I should sell that one
to the funny-pages.
413
00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:19,232
Edgar, call a tow truck.
414
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:22,835
Someone's left a try-hardy
luxury sedan in my car park.
415
00:18:22,869 --> 00:18:24,904
Actually, that's mine.
416
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:27,240
But... you're poor.
417
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:28,808
I'm not poor.
I'm a writer now.
418
00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:31,644
That doesn't matter.
You have poor brain.
419
00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:34,247
Do you know how I know?
Because I have poor brain.
420
00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:36,649
-Jimmy! -Do you know what I did
with the outsized advance
421
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:37,850
for my first book?
422
00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:40,453
I bought a house
that I couldn't afford.
423
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:44,257
I got an FHA loan,
so I only put down 3.5%,
424
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:47,927
but it's an ARM
on a balloon structure,
425
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,796
which means by the end
of next year,
426
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:52,465
I may have to burn it
for the insurance,
427
00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:54,601
which I do not have.
428
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,303
Return the car.
429
00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:57,370
No, Jimmy.
430
00:18:57,404 --> 00:18:59,639
You forfeited your right
to tell me what to do.
431
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,348
(sighs)
432
00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:10,517
(phone vibrates)
433
00:19:11,718 --> 00:19:12,752
(phone beeps)
434
00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:16,323
Maximus.
435
00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:18,558
Oh, the whip?
436
00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:24,831
You got to come check it out.
437
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:28,701
I am so glad you suggested
I buy it.
438
00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:34,707
Hell yeah, I sprung for the all-
vegan leather package. (laughs)
439
00:19:37,244 --> 00:19:39,346
Mom! We're coming in!
440
00:19:39,379 --> 00:19:40,713
(gasps)
441
00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:42,349
Hi, girls.
442
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:46,486
So, wait, you dated John Stamos,
then Dave Coulier?
443
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:50,323
-That is not the direction
it's supposed to go. -I know.
444
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:51,924
LINDSAY:
What's going on here?
445
00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:54,561
Why is La Bamba-Dad
in your house-car?
446
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:56,429
And which is it,
a house or a car?
447
00:19:56,463 --> 00:19:58,598
And where does the poop go?
448
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:00,400
Your visit inspired me
to reach out to Faye
449
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:01,768
after all these years.
450
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:03,936
I'm so glad you all reconnected.
451
00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:06,239
Well, we're glad too, Mom.
452
00:20:06,273 --> 00:20:08,875
Because we started to think the
reason we never heard from him
453
00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:10,377
was because there was
something wrong with us.
454
00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:12,245
But, now we know, there's
nothing wrong with me at all.
455
00:20:12,279 --> 00:20:14,847
He told us you forbidded him
from ever contacting us.
456
00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,216
-(knock on door) -WOMAN:
We're inviting first team, Faye.
457
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:18,685
Well?
458
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:21,220
It's true. I did.
459
00:20:21,254 --> 00:20:22,389
Why would you do that?
460
00:20:22,422 --> 00:20:24,891
Because I could see
how close you all were getting,
461
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:27,560
and I knew it wasn't going
to last between Lou and me.
462
00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:29,429
I did it to protect you.
463
00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:32,231
-(knock on door) -WOMAN:
Cameras are ready, Faye.
464
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:33,466
-Will you give us a second?!
-We are very busy
465
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:34,567
blaming our mother
for everything!
466
00:20:34,601 --> 00:20:36,436
-This is very, very important!
-Go, go, go!
467
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:39,939
You two are adults.
468
00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:41,974
You're goddamned baked.
469
00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:44,477
If your lives are a mess,
you figure it out.
470
00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:48,481
(scoffs)
471
00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:55,322
She's right, you know.
472
00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:58,425
Instead of sitting around
being angry at your mom,
473
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:00,627
I decided to buy some land
in the country
474
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:02,929
and focus my energy
on growing a real orchard.
475
00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:06,499
And now, I just kick back
and wait for La Croix to call.
476
00:21:06,533 --> 00:21:07,900
(sighs)
477
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:11,904
You can't solve your problems
by blaming the past.
478
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,506
Then how do we solve them?
479
00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:16,943
You have a kid.
480
00:21:16,976 --> 00:21:18,578
Be a good parent.
481
00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:19,746
Break the cycle.
482
00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:20,947
It's too late.
483
00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:22,949
Vernon's her father.
484
00:21:22,982 --> 00:21:24,817
Tallulah's headed straight
for the pole.
485
00:21:24,851 --> 00:21:26,753
What about me?
486
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,455
I don't have a kid.
487
00:21:28,488 --> 00:21:30,423
You were such a giving child.
488
00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:32,258
It's true.
489
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,461
She used to dump her dinner
in the toilet
490
00:21:34,494 --> 00:21:36,996
because she felt bad that
it only ever got to eat poop.
491
00:21:37,029 --> 00:21:38,931
Maybe you're supposed to
help other people.
492
00:21:38,965 --> 00:21:41,300
*
493
00:21:41,334 --> 00:21:43,703
Help people.
494
00:21:43,736 --> 00:21:45,505
Okay.
495
00:21:45,538 --> 00:21:48,441
In fact, you've already started
by helping me do something
496
00:21:48,475 --> 00:21:50,309
that I've wanted to do
for years:
497
00:21:50,343 --> 00:21:53,680
have sex with your mom
one last time.
498
00:21:58,585 --> 00:22:01,954
Your friends
are so sophisticated.
499
00:22:01,988 --> 00:22:05,324
You know, my only friends
are this divorced girl
500
00:22:05,358 --> 00:22:08,995
with citrus blindness
and a redheaded doctor
501
00:22:09,028 --> 00:22:11,230
who might be a legal imbecile.
502
00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:13,733
Are they, uh,
available tomorrow?
503
00:22:13,766 --> 00:22:15,902
I'm not bringing you
around my friends again.
504
00:22:18,371 --> 00:22:20,807
What?
505
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,208
They didn't like me?
506
00:22:22,241 --> 00:22:24,210
You behaved
like a complete rube.
507
00:22:24,243 --> 00:22:26,479
You were our redheaded doctor!
508
00:22:26,513 --> 00:22:29,549
Jimmy, I moved across the world
on purpose.
509
00:22:29,582 --> 00:22:32,218
All you do is remind me
of the past.
510
00:22:32,251 --> 00:22:33,886
Bye, Jimmy.
511
00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:35,788
Wait.
512
00:22:38,391 --> 00:22:40,993
Can we still go to JPL?
513
00:22:41,027 --> 00:22:42,595
I want to see the spider robot.
514
00:22:43,863 --> 00:22:45,965
*
515
00:22:53,039 --> 00:22:54,874
Ah.
516
00:22:54,907 --> 00:22:56,409
Mmm!
517
00:22:56,443 --> 00:22:59,912
-Right? It's like getting drunk
on salsa. -(chuckles)
518
00:23:03,416 --> 00:23:06,553
Oh, um, Whitney texted the okay.
519
00:23:06,586 --> 00:23:08,421
She really, really likes you.
520
00:23:10,256 --> 00:23:11,958
Oh, that's such good news.
521
00:23:11,991 --> 00:23:14,694
Also, they refunded me the
seven bucks for The Babadook.
522
00:23:14,727 --> 00:23:17,530
Suckers!
523
00:23:17,564 --> 00:23:18,898
Ah.
524
00:23:18,931 --> 00:23:21,601
Ah...
525
00:23:23,670 --> 00:23:26,405
Good job, you.
She's a tough nut to crack.
526
00:23:26,439 --> 00:23:27,940
I had to go deep.
527
00:23:27,974 --> 00:23:30,943
Really knuckle down.
528
00:23:30,977 --> 00:23:33,446
(quietly):
Boomtown.
529
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,448
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
530
00:23:35,482 --> 00:23:38,284
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
531
00:23:38,317 --> 00:23:40,419
* Suburban skies
crackled with the signal *
532
00:23:40,453 --> 00:23:43,322
* The national TV crews
had descended *
533
00:23:43,355 --> 00:23:45,391
* On the press conferences
and vigils *
534
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:48,461
* The food-court pundits
at the mall *
535
00:23:48,495 --> 00:23:51,430
* She looked out
through her frozen blue eyes *
536
00:23:51,464 --> 00:23:54,300
* From all the grocery store
checkout line front pages *
537
00:23:54,333 --> 00:23:56,302
* The tiny, grainy,
black and brown faces *
538
00:23:56,335 --> 00:23:59,438
* In yellowing flyers
pinned to the wall *
539
00:23:59,472 --> 00:24:02,609
* Her objections are inspired,
literate, brilliant *
540
00:24:02,642 --> 00:24:04,276
* In her cutting cadence...
541
00:24:04,310 --> 00:24:07,279
(dog barks)
542
00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:15,855
Hey, fellas.
543
00:24:15,888 --> 00:24:18,525
I'm on antidepressants,
so I won't even cry after.
544
00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:33,105
ANNOUNCER:
American Horror Story: Cult.
545
00:24:33,139 --> 00:24:35,007
All new,
Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.
546
00:24:36,475 --> 00:24:38,778
(knocking)
547
00:24:38,811 --> 00:24:40,079
Mom.
548
00:24:41,347 --> 00:24:42,448
What?
549
00:24:42,481 --> 00:24:44,551
Can we adopt
a Syrian refugee baby?
550
00:24:44,584 --> 00:24:45,785
No!
551
00:24:45,818 --> 00:24:47,486
Mom, they're dying
every day.
552
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:50,890
You're literally
murdering a baby
by not adopting one right now.
553
00:24:50,923 --> 00:24:52,124
Get out!
554
00:24:52,158 --> 00:24:54,126
ANNOUNCER: Better Things.
555
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:56,228
All new Thursdays
at 10:00 on FX.
556
00:24:59,231 --> 00:25:02,001
(police radio chatter)
39067
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