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1
00:00:20,003 --> 00:00:22,005
(clattering)
2
00:00:30,146 --> 00:00:32,816
Jimmy, if you're thinking
of getting into ski porn,
3
00:00:32,849 --> 00:00:35,385
it's a niche audience
and the work is seasonal.
4
00:00:35,418 --> 00:00:36,653
I have it all worked out,
Gretchen--
5
00:00:36,687 --> 00:00:38,455
what I saw from
my tree house last night:
6
00:00:38,489 --> 00:00:40,423
my father is no longer
7
00:00:40,457 --> 00:00:42,893
a force in my life,
thus, everything I am
8
00:00:42,926 --> 00:00:44,895
and have is suspect,
9
00:00:44,928 --> 00:00:47,330
acquired or decided,
as it all were, in the context
10
00:00:47,363 --> 00:00:50,967
of being "Ronny's son,"
which I am no longer, thus,
11
00:00:51,001 --> 00:00:52,335
reevaluation.
12
00:00:52,368 --> 00:00:54,437
It's all up for review.
13
00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:57,774
So, I'm making a pros and cons
list of everything in my life
14
00:00:57,808 --> 00:01:00,644
to work out whether I still
need it or not.
15
00:01:00,677 --> 00:01:03,013
Oh, boy.
It's the perfect
16
00:01:03,046 --> 00:01:06,016
post-emotional analytic tool
to determine the inherent,
17
00:01:06,049 --> 00:01:09,419
unsullied qualitative value
of anything.
18
00:01:09,452 --> 00:01:11,655
To whit. Stapler.
19
00:01:11,688 --> 00:01:14,190
Pros:
petite, efficient, comely.
20
00:01:14,224 --> 00:01:16,993
Cons: literally no place
for you in the digital world.
21
00:01:17,027 --> 00:01:18,461
Good-bye, old girl.
22
00:01:21,297 --> 00:01:23,433
Hmm... tough one.
23
00:01:23,466 --> 00:01:26,002
Pros: strong tassels,
24
00:01:26,036 --> 00:01:27,437
I look fantastic in it.
25
00:01:27,470 --> 00:01:30,106
Cons: I saw Moby
wearing the same one
26
00:01:30,140 --> 00:01:31,441
on the cover of Yoga Life.
27
00:01:31,474 --> 00:01:33,076
And there's the answer.
28
00:01:34,377 --> 00:01:36,279
Right. My stuff...
29
00:01:36,312 --> 00:01:38,314
there's your stuff...
30
00:01:43,554 --> 00:01:44,320
Hmm?
31
00:02:04,675 --> 00:02:07,143
Oh! Fine! Jesus Christ!
32
00:02:07,177 --> 00:02:09,212
Fine, Jimmy.
Do your insane,
33
00:02:09,245 --> 00:02:12,148
idiotic thing
and get this over with.
34
00:02:12,182 --> 00:02:14,751
Gretchen pro-con list, go.
35
00:02:14,785 --> 00:02:18,354
Well, okay.
36
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,223
You and your stupid tree house.
37
00:02:20,256 --> 00:02:22,258
I swear, I wish I'd never
mentioned Dead Poets Society
38
00:02:22,292 --> 00:02:24,260
in front of you.
You literally just did
39
00:02:24,294 --> 00:02:27,397
the standing on the desk
thing, but higher.
40
00:02:27,430 --> 00:02:29,032
The quicker we do this,
the quicker we can
41
00:02:29,065 --> 00:02:31,367
move on with our lives.
42
00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:34,938
I have stuff to do for Shitstain
and Jaclyn's elopement party.
43
00:02:34,971 --> 00:02:36,406
Bet your ass
he's not making a list.
44
00:02:37,540 --> 00:02:40,010
Okay, fine.
45
00:02:40,043 --> 00:02:43,747
Here are two things to
start off your pro list.
46
00:02:43,780 --> 00:02:46,817
Bam! Carpe those diems.
47
00:02:47,818 --> 00:02:49,620
Aw, man.
48
00:02:49,653 --> 00:02:51,254
I slept in gum again?
49
00:02:51,287 --> 00:02:52,623
(groans)
50
00:02:53,957 --> 00:02:55,225
Just know that, uh,
51
00:02:55,258 --> 00:02:56,627
this is gonna be
a waste of your time.
52
00:02:56,660 --> 00:02:57,928
The end result
is gonna be,
53
00:02:57,961 --> 00:02:59,062
"Damn, she's awesome.
54
00:02:59,095 --> 00:03:00,864
"That list was pointless.
55
00:03:00,897 --> 00:03:03,199
"Wasted all that paper and ink.
56
00:03:03,233 --> 00:03:05,802
Sorry trees. Sorry squids."
57
00:03:07,838 --> 00:03:10,774
Wait, is that
how you think we get ink?
58
00:03:10,807 --> 00:03:12,809
From squids?
59
00:03:13,977 --> 00:03:15,478
No.
60
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:18,148
Aw, damn it!
61
00:03:20,516 --> 00:03:22,953
*
62
00:03:27,924 --> 00:03:30,727
* I'm gonna leave you anyway
63
00:03:30,761 --> 00:03:33,463
* I'm gonna leave you
anyway *
64
00:03:33,496 --> 00:03:36,800
* Gonna leave you anyway.
65
00:03:47,377 --> 00:03:48,611
(sniffs)
66
00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,146
(indistinct chatter,
dishes clinking)
67
00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:54,818
(upbeat music playing)
68
00:04:06,730 --> 00:04:08,732
Ooh. Ceviche?
69
00:04:16,740 --> 00:04:19,542
I don't get it.
A pros and cons list about you?
70
00:04:19,575 --> 00:04:20,844
What's on it?
71
00:04:20,877 --> 00:04:22,645
Oh, who cares?
We all have negative shit
72
00:04:22,679 --> 00:04:24,214
we think about everyone
in our lives.
73
00:04:24,247 --> 00:04:26,616
Yeah, but writing it
down makes it real.
74
00:04:26,649 --> 00:04:29,786
Like Web sites or
fortune cookies.
75
00:04:29,820 --> 00:04:32,388
So, how'd Paul react to the news
that you're leaving him?
76
00:04:32,422 --> 00:04:34,124
Ain't told him yet.
77
00:04:34,157 --> 00:04:37,360
First I got to set myself
up, get my own place.
78
00:04:37,393 --> 00:04:39,896
And it'll be so phat because
I'll be getting those sweet
79
00:04:39,930 --> 00:04:41,531
monthly checks
from the prenup.
80
00:04:41,564 --> 00:04:43,566
Wait, what?
You have a prenup?
81
00:04:43,599 --> 00:04:46,870
(laughs) Yeah, Paul was like,
"Oh, honey, we don't need one."
82
00:04:46,903 --> 00:04:49,873
But uh-uh, I didn't
fall for that shit.
83
00:04:49,906 --> 00:04:52,508
So, like a boss,
I made him.
84
00:04:52,542 --> 00:04:54,344
Lindsay, you ding-dong.
85
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:57,247
A prenup protects
the wealthier person, him,
86
00:04:57,280 --> 00:05:01,651
in a divorce from giving his
money to the poorer person, you.
87
00:05:01,684 --> 00:05:03,754
Are you goddamn
kidding me?
88
00:05:03,787 --> 00:05:06,022
And you let me
get an abortion?!
89
00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:08,391
I had a ticket
to 18 years of dough
90
00:05:08,424 --> 00:05:10,894
and you let me flush my ticket?
91
00:05:10,927 --> 00:05:13,930
Hey, just focus.
92
00:05:13,964 --> 00:05:17,167
Do the most important thing
first: tell Paul.
93
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:19,369
Once you do that,
you can figure out your life.
94
00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:22,605
Now I have to get
a stupid job.
95
00:05:22,638 --> 00:05:24,240
Can I have a job?
96
00:05:24,274 --> 00:05:26,943
That's gonna be a hard no.
97
00:05:26,977 --> 00:05:28,979
*
98
00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:35,952
So, I got a bunch of ideas
about that restaurant concept.
99
00:05:35,986 --> 00:05:38,254
You know, savory cereal?
100
00:05:38,288 --> 00:05:40,924
Two words: Beefy Pebbles.
101
00:05:40,957 --> 00:05:43,559
We'll talk later.
102
00:05:43,593 --> 00:05:45,128
Ooh, excuse me?
Excuse me? Excuse me?
103
00:05:45,161 --> 00:05:47,030
SHITSTAIN:
Did-did you call him?
104
00:05:47,063 --> 00:05:49,432
HONEY NUTZ: Yes, I called him.
I can't believe he's late, man.
105
00:05:49,465 --> 00:05:52,535
I can. He's been the
worst best man ever.
106
00:05:52,568 --> 00:05:54,805
He lost the ring at the
Monterey Aquarium tide pool.
107
00:05:54,838 --> 00:05:56,272
Said a sea anemone
took it.
108
00:05:56,306 --> 00:05:58,041
Does that even sound
plausible to you?
109
00:05:58,074 --> 00:06:00,443
Do you know how slow
a sea anemone is?
110
00:06:00,476 --> 00:06:01,878
There he is.
111
00:06:01,912 --> 00:06:03,379
Where's the
navy suit?
112
00:06:03,413 --> 00:06:05,715
Oh, nah, blood, this is it.
113
00:06:05,748 --> 00:06:08,584
I just got the pants hemmed
and the jacket taken in.
114
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,753
Then it still was
a total piece of shit,
115
00:06:10,787 --> 00:06:13,389
so I lit it on fire and bought
something dope instead.
116
00:06:13,423 --> 00:06:15,258
(groans) That's it!
117
00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:16,726
You're fired as best man.
118
00:06:16,759 --> 00:06:18,995
Nutz, you're giving
the toast tonight.
119
00:06:19,029 --> 00:06:20,596
Seriously?
120
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,633
Okay, idiot, good luck
with this mush-mouth.
121
00:06:23,666 --> 00:06:25,335
Fool can't even leave
a simple voice mail.
122
00:06:25,368 --> 00:06:27,337
Always be like, "Uh...
123
00:06:27,370 --> 00:06:30,173
Call me back. Uh..." Click.
124
00:06:30,206 --> 00:06:32,843
Y-Yo, you know public speaking
is one of my greatest fears.
125
00:06:32,876 --> 00:06:34,344
It's public speaking,
heights and waking up
126
00:06:34,377 --> 00:06:35,812
with a scorpion
in my mouth.
127
00:06:35,846 --> 00:06:37,147
You'll be fine.
128
00:06:37,180 --> 00:06:38,681
We're professional
public speakers.
129
00:06:38,714 --> 00:06:40,116
That-that's different.
130
00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:42,352
Look, Honey Nutz is a persona.
131
00:06:42,385 --> 00:06:46,122
Uh, when I'm not rapping,
I'm just Zachary from Reseda,
132
00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:47,490
that likes hard cider
133
00:06:47,523 --> 00:06:49,860
and losing myself
in a graphic novel.
134
00:06:49,893 --> 00:06:51,761
(growls)
135
00:06:51,794 --> 00:06:53,329
I don't mean no
disrespect, by that.
136
00:06:53,363 --> 00:06:54,998
I don't, I don't.
I'm just saying...
137
00:06:55,999 --> 00:06:57,567
Oh!
138
00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:01,537
Nice look.
139
00:07:01,571 --> 00:07:04,040
Shouldn't you be trying
to shoot down Snoopy?
140
00:07:04,074 --> 00:07:06,943
I went a little crazy
with the purge.
141
00:07:06,977 --> 00:07:09,880
Got rid of all my outerwear
and my underwear.
142
00:07:09,913 --> 00:07:13,850
I'm currently wearing one
of Edgar's bathing suits.
143
00:07:13,884 --> 00:07:17,287
Jimmy, I've thought about
your pros and cons list,
144
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:20,156
and I think it's only fair
that you show it to me.
145
00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:22,558
Gretchen, I'm undergoing
146
00:07:22,592 --> 00:07:26,362
a really painful process
of reevaluation.
147
00:07:26,396 --> 00:07:29,299
Now, if you could just
respect my privacy,
148
00:07:29,332 --> 00:07:31,534
I'd really
appreciate it.
149
00:07:31,567 --> 00:07:35,305
Fine, I hear you.
You have my word.
150
00:07:35,338 --> 00:07:36,739
Mm.
151
00:07:39,509 --> 00:07:40,476
Mm.
152
00:07:40,510 --> 00:07:42,178
Oh, yeah.
Ooh, a zipper!
153
00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:44,214
I can't get through that.
(laughs)
154
00:07:47,050 --> 00:07:48,818
Fine.
155
00:07:48,851 --> 00:07:51,554
I'm gonna go shake gifts, see
if anything sounds expensive.
156
00:07:54,024 --> 00:07:55,558
Jimmy.
157
00:07:55,591 --> 00:07:56,993
This is my wife, Jaclyn.
158
00:07:57,027 --> 00:07:57,994
Hi!
159
00:07:58,028 --> 00:07:59,529
(scoffs)
160
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,864
What a dick.
Don't worry, he's an asshole.
161
00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:03,499
Priscilla!
162
00:08:03,533 --> 00:08:05,235
Oh, look at you!
163
00:08:05,268 --> 00:08:06,536
Oh. What do you think?
Amazing!
164
00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:07,770
Oh, thank you.
165
00:08:07,803 --> 00:08:09,405
MAN:
Shitstain in the house!
166
00:08:09,439 --> 00:08:11,207
I love weddings.
167
00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:12,708
Friends coming together.
168
00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:14,377
Old couples falling
in love again.
169
00:08:14,410 --> 00:08:16,512
Plus, you can totally
steal a chair at a wedding.
170
00:08:16,546 --> 00:08:18,381
I've done it so many times.
171
00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:20,951
Most of my chairs
are wedding chairs.
(phone vibrates)
172
00:08:20,984 --> 00:08:22,352
What's going on?
173
00:08:22,385 --> 00:08:24,287
Whoa. It's Doug Benson.
174
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:27,857
He wants me to come up with
five sketch ideas by tomorrow.
175
00:08:27,890 --> 00:08:29,859
(exhales) Well...
176
00:08:29,892 --> 00:08:32,128
I guess I better
start brainstorming.
177
00:08:32,162 --> 00:08:34,197
Wait, you're gonna work
at a wedding?
178
00:08:34,230 --> 00:08:35,598
I don't have a
choice, Dorothy.
179
00:08:35,631 --> 00:08:37,733
I mean, this is a
huge opportunity.
180
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:39,769
I-I got to nail it.
181
00:08:39,802 --> 00:08:41,537
Okay, let's see.
182
00:08:41,571 --> 00:08:43,606
Weddings, weddings.
183
00:08:43,639 --> 00:08:46,742
Bride. Groom. Broom.
184
00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:51,781
Here comes... the broom?
185
00:08:54,517 --> 00:08:55,885
Wow.
186
00:08:55,918 --> 00:08:58,288
This might not take
long after all.
187
00:08:58,321 --> 00:09:01,291
Cool. So just go do
your very important work,
188
00:09:01,324 --> 00:09:05,128
and I'll just wander around
by myself, like a loser.
189
00:09:06,696 --> 00:09:08,331
Hey! Lindsay!
190
00:09:09,332 --> 00:09:12,602
(groaning)
191
00:09:12,635 --> 00:09:14,070
He has a job.
192
00:09:14,104 --> 00:09:16,106
How'd he get that?
193
00:09:21,944 --> 00:09:24,847
SHITSTAIN: All right,
I fired him to hire you.
194
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:27,083
These aren't your
words you're writing.
195
00:09:27,117 --> 00:09:29,619
What is that?
(sniffing)
196
00:09:34,624 --> 00:09:36,592
Hey. How'd you get that?
197
00:09:36,626 --> 00:09:37,827
What? (chuckles)
198
00:09:37,860 --> 00:09:41,264
I-I don't know what
you're talking about.
199
00:09:41,297 --> 00:09:43,533
PRISCILLA:
Listen one more time.
200
00:09:43,566 --> 00:09:48,038
My client wants
100% ostrich feathers.
201
00:09:48,071 --> 00:09:51,174
I don't care. Just wait
until they stick their heads
202
00:09:51,207 --> 00:09:54,110
in the ground
and then slit their throats.
203
00:09:54,144 --> 00:09:55,845
Hey, how'd you get that?
204
00:09:55,878 --> 00:09:57,947
(chuckles) My job?
205
00:09:57,980 --> 00:10:00,183
Well, I started
a fashion blog.
206
00:10:00,216 --> 00:10:02,785
Then Tavi Gevinson
retweeted me.
207
00:10:02,818 --> 00:10:05,688
Then I dressed Parker Posey
for the Good Wife premiere.
208
00:10:05,721 --> 00:10:07,790
Before I knew it,
I was a stylist.
209
00:10:07,823 --> 00:10:10,026
I love your jacket,
by the way.
Thanks.
210
00:10:10,060 --> 00:10:12,362
My trick is I just buy
a cheap jacket,
211
00:10:12,395 --> 00:10:13,796
replace the buttons
with doper ones,
212
00:10:13,829 --> 00:10:15,631
and tell everyone
I got it in Italy.
213
00:10:15,665 --> 00:10:17,800
But not Little Italy.
The big Italy.
214
00:10:17,833 --> 00:10:20,570
That's brilliant.
(laughs)
215
00:10:20,603 --> 00:10:22,705
I really like your
pocket square, too.
216
00:10:22,738 --> 00:10:24,474
Thanks.
Those are my panties.
217
00:10:24,507 --> 00:10:25,975
(laughs)
218
00:10:26,008 --> 00:10:27,843
LINDSAY:
I'm not joking.
219
00:10:33,583 --> 00:10:34,884
Hey. What's up with you?
220
00:10:34,917 --> 00:10:36,219
Hi, Gretchen.
221
00:10:36,252 --> 00:10:37,753
SAM: Got fired
as the best man.
222
00:10:37,787 --> 00:10:39,489
Not that I care.
223
00:10:39,522 --> 00:10:41,824
Group's turning into a
bunch of pussies anyway!
224
00:10:41,857 --> 00:10:43,726
Honey Nutz is getting
his knuckles waxed
225
00:10:43,759 --> 00:10:45,895
for his appearance
on Poker After Dark.
226
00:10:45,928 --> 00:10:47,897
Shitstain getting married
with no thought
227
00:10:47,930 --> 00:10:50,233
to how it will affect
our careers.
228
00:10:50,266 --> 00:10:53,002
I ain't trying to rap
about kids or poker!
229
00:10:53,035 --> 00:10:55,371
Ain't nothing rhyme
with "poker."
230
00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,941
So what are you gonna do?
231
00:10:58,974 --> 00:11:01,244
What can I do? He went and
changed his whole life,
232
00:11:01,277 --> 00:11:03,045
and I don't even
got a say in it.
233
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,714
Hey, you guys
are a team.
234
00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:06,716
If you feel like you're
losing control of your future,
235
00:11:06,749 --> 00:11:08,184
just talk to him.
236
00:11:08,218 --> 00:11:11,221
Your actions
affect each other.
237
00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:13,423
Yeah.
238
00:11:13,456 --> 00:11:16,526
My actions do
affect each other.
239
00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:18,761
I don't like how you just
repeated that verbatim
240
00:11:18,794 --> 00:11:20,596
with a glint in your eye,
but, yeah,
241
00:11:20,630 --> 00:11:24,234
you got to take charge
of your... future.
242
00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:26,236
Now you have the
glint, too, bitch.
243
00:11:26,269 --> 00:11:28,771
Bitch, I ain't got
no glint!
244
00:11:28,804 --> 00:11:30,806
*
245
00:11:39,014 --> 00:11:41,217
Okay, how's this
for a sketch idea?
246
00:11:41,251 --> 00:11:43,319
A guy who takes
everything literally.
247
00:11:43,353 --> 00:11:45,955
That's kind of the first sketch
that everybody comes up with.
248
00:11:45,988 --> 00:11:47,323
That or 50-hour Energy.
249
00:11:47,357 --> 00:11:50,460
Oh, man.
That'd be so much energy.
250
00:11:50,493 --> 00:11:52,962
(laughs)
251
00:11:52,995 --> 00:11:56,132
Hey, look.
It's Brian Posehn.
252
00:11:56,166 --> 00:11:59,068
(chuckles) That is
not Brian Posehn.
253
00:11:59,101 --> 00:12:01,137
I took tickets for Brian
Posehn's one-man show,
254
00:12:01,171 --> 00:12:02,438
like, a decade ago.
255
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,740
I used to party with
all those comics.
256
00:12:04,774 --> 00:12:07,076
The one thing I know
is who is who in comedy,
257
00:12:07,109 --> 00:12:09,312
and I know that that
is not Brian Posehn.
258
00:12:11,381 --> 00:12:13,115
Oh. I guess it is him.
259
00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:14,250
Haircut.
260
00:12:14,284 --> 00:12:15,751
I should go talk to him.
261
00:12:15,785 --> 00:12:17,787
Maybe I could bounce
some ideas off him.
262
00:12:20,890 --> 00:12:23,259
Excuse me. Champagne?
263
00:12:23,293 --> 00:12:24,694
Oh.
264
00:12:28,698 --> 00:12:31,167
I'll leave it in the bathroom
later under the soap.
265
00:12:31,201 --> 00:12:32,935
Soap. (sniffing)
266
00:12:32,968 --> 00:12:34,970
(R&B music playing)
267
00:12:42,011 --> 00:12:44,013
Excuse me,
where's the restroom?
268
00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:48,784
Can I help you?
269
00:12:48,818 --> 00:12:50,986
Yeah, um, uh, my boyfriend
270
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,789
left his heart attack
medication in his coat.
271
00:12:53,823 --> 00:12:55,858
Ugh.
272
00:12:57,193 --> 00:12:59,529
Yeah, do you have
a claim ticket?
273
00:12:59,562 --> 00:13:01,564
Uh, no, but...
274
00:13:01,597 --> 00:13:04,234
I got this.
275
00:13:04,267 --> 00:13:06,001
Ignore the bruise.
276
00:13:06,035 --> 00:13:09,004
Yeah, I just needed a ticket
to know which coat to get.
277
00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:12,608
Oh, uh, yeah. It's the
really ugly bomber jacket.
278
00:13:22,285 --> 00:13:24,420
Goddamn it.
279
00:13:24,454 --> 00:13:26,222
(growls)
280
00:13:26,256 --> 00:13:28,724
Okay.
281
00:13:28,758 --> 00:13:30,826
(groans)
282
00:13:30,860 --> 00:13:32,862
Hi.
(yelps)
283
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,933
(clicks tongue)
284
00:13:37,967 --> 00:13:40,536
Fine. Two can play at that game.
285
00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,272
Yeah, whatever
you say, Gr...
286
00:13:42,305 --> 00:13:43,873
What? Hang on.
What are you doing?
287
00:13:43,906 --> 00:13:46,942
Um, I'm making a pros
and cons list about you.
288
00:13:46,976 --> 00:13:49,211
No. No. You
can't do that.
289
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,013
Pros and cons list
is my thing.
290
00:13:51,046 --> 00:13:54,049
Oh, another con:
possessiveness of ideas.
291
00:13:55,718 --> 00:13:57,420
Right.
292
00:13:57,453 --> 00:13:58,721
Hey.
293
00:14:00,723 --> 00:14:02,758
Just to balance it out.
294
00:14:02,792 --> 00:14:04,794
*
295
00:14:15,505 --> 00:14:17,707
Hey. Congratulations.
296
00:14:17,740 --> 00:14:21,377
Thanks. Yeah, my parents thought
25 was young to get married,
297
00:14:21,411 --> 00:14:23,946
but when you know
you found the one...
298
00:14:23,979 --> 00:14:26,949
25? Wow, that's...
that's a good age.
299
00:14:26,982 --> 00:14:28,284
Mm.
300
00:14:28,318 --> 00:14:30,786
I tested for Ugly Betty
when I was 25.
301
00:14:30,820 --> 00:14:33,456
Who's Ugly Betty?
302
00:14:33,489 --> 00:14:35,291
I'm gonna go.
303
00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:39,862
Uh, that's actually
just for the bride...
304
00:14:42,264 --> 00:14:44,967
Oh. Listen.
305
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,903
It's only fair I warn you what
you're getting into with us.
306
00:14:47,937 --> 00:14:50,272
Our lifestyle
is straight bananas.
307
00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:53,409
Touring, staying out late,
living off gum and Code Red.
308
00:14:53,443 --> 00:14:55,411
It can be rough
on bitches.
309
00:14:55,445 --> 00:14:56,479
Bitches?
310
00:14:56,512 --> 00:14:58,514
Oh. (chuckles)
On women.
311
00:14:58,548 --> 00:15:00,583
Yes, Sam, I know.
Don't worry.
312
00:15:00,616 --> 00:15:02,852
I am very pragmatic.
313
00:15:02,885 --> 00:15:05,821
You have to maintain a
certain image for the fans.
314
00:15:05,855 --> 00:15:07,156
Nothing will change.
315
00:15:07,189 --> 00:15:09,525
Okay, good.
316
00:15:09,559 --> 00:15:11,961
At least until
we have a baby.
317
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:14,597
But we aren't planning
on starting a family
318
00:15:14,630 --> 00:15:16,332
until at least a year.
319
00:15:16,366 --> 00:15:18,167
A baby?
320
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,670
A human-ass baby?
321
00:15:20,703 --> 00:15:22,938
Oh, man.
322
00:15:22,972 --> 00:15:25,508
Seems like just yesterday
we were skating on Fairfax,
323
00:15:25,541 --> 00:15:28,511
stealing leftovers from Orthodox
Jews coming out of Canter's.
324
00:15:28,544 --> 00:15:31,313
Now everything's
getting so serious.
325
00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:34,617
Sam, things change.
326
00:15:34,650 --> 00:15:38,320
I know it's scary,
but... you'll be okay.
327
00:15:39,389 --> 00:15:41,524
What the hell?!
What?
328
00:15:41,557 --> 00:15:44,026
Ugh! I can't believe
he just did that.
329
00:15:44,059 --> 00:15:45,995
Ugh. Dale! Dale!
330
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:47,663
Shitstain!
331
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:48,664
What happened?
332
00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:50,232
Sam tried to kiss me!
333
00:15:50,265 --> 00:15:51,901
What the hell
is wrong with you?!
334
00:15:51,934 --> 00:15:55,004
I'm sorry! I'm
just highly upset!
335
00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:57,006
This is all happening so fast.
336
00:15:57,039 --> 00:15:59,842
First, you settling down.
And as soon as someone agrees
337
00:15:59,875 --> 00:16:02,412
to go on a date with Zachary,
you know he gonna grab on tight
338
00:16:02,445 --> 00:16:03,846
and never let go.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
339
00:16:03,879 --> 00:16:05,347
Are you talking about
someone specific?
340
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:06,982
Because if someone
has expressed interest,
341
00:16:07,016 --> 00:16:08,651
I'm available.
Look, if you're afraid
342
00:16:08,684 --> 00:16:11,387
that this is going to affect
our work, it's not.
343
00:16:11,421 --> 00:16:13,222
We signed
our million-year pledge.
344
00:16:13,255 --> 00:16:15,057
It ain't the work.
345
00:16:15,090 --> 00:16:17,927
I'm just...
346
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:21,831
I'm just afraid I'm
losing my best friends.
347
00:16:21,864 --> 00:16:26,769
Sam, you're never going
to lose me as a friend.
348
00:16:26,802 --> 00:16:30,906
Look, why don't you and Zachary
give the speech together.
349
00:16:30,940 --> 00:16:33,108
Both of you
are my best men.
350
00:16:33,142 --> 00:16:34,910
Always will be.
351
00:16:34,944 --> 00:16:36,846
All right, man.
352
00:16:36,879 --> 00:16:38,948
Let's go work
on that speech.
353
00:16:38,981 --> 00:16:40,783
I go first, obviously.
354
00:16:43,052 --> 00:16:45,421
You know you can't be friends
with him anymore, right?
355
00:16:45,455 --> 00:16:47,089
Yeah, yeah, I know.
356
00:16:47,122 --> 00:16:48,591
Hey.
357
00:16:48,624 --> 00:16:52,094
Okay, so far, I have "takes
up too much room in bed,"
358
00:16:52,127 --> 00:16:54,096
"eats pizza with a fork."
359
00:16:54,129 --> 00:16:55,465
So you're making a list
360
00:16:55,498 --> 00:16:57,066
of dumb little negative things
about him?
361
00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:59,101
Yeah.
362
00:17:02,404 --> 00:17:04,373
Is this the dude
that wore the bomber jacket?
363
00:17:04,406 --> 00:17:05,608
That feels like one.
364
00:17:05,641 --> 00:17:08,143
(gasps)
Yes. Thank you.
365
00:17:10,813 --> 00:17:12,782
Hey. Alex said
you were gonna put the coke
366
00:17:12,815 --> 00:17:14,383
in the bathroom, man.
It's not there.
367
00:17:14,416 --> 00:17:17,286
What? I left it
under the soap.
368
00:17:17,319 --> 00:17:19,054
Dude, I bet you
Alex took it.
369
00:17:19,088 --> 00:17:20,890
Look, I'm not sure I
want to get involved
370
00:17:20,923 --> 00:17:24,093
in this cereal restaurant
thing if we can't trust him.
371
00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:25,795
(sniffs)
372
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:29,732
EDGAR:
So, the guy's, like...
373
00:17:29,765 --> 00:17:31,934
(sighs)
"The boss is up my butt,"
374
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:34,670
and our hero-- taking
everything literally, right?--
375
00:17:34,704 --> 00:17:36,639
puts his mouth
to the guy's butt,
376
00:17:36,672 --> 00:17:38,974
and he's like, "Are you
in there, Mr. Hendrickson?
377
00:17:39,008 --> 00:17:40,442
I'll save ya."
378
00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:43,245
(laughs)
That's hilarious, man.
379
00:17:43,278 --> 00:17:45,481
Hey! Brian!
380
00:17:45,515 --> 00:17:47,583
So good to
see you again.
381
00:17:47,617 --> 00:17:50,119
I'm sorry.
Do I know you?
382
00:17:50,152 --> 00:17:51,654
Dorothy Durwood.
383
00:17:51,687 --> 00:17:53,489
We worked together
on your one-man show.
384
00:17:53,523 --> 00:17:54,857
I took tickets.
385
00:17:54,890 --> 00:17:56,826
Remember after that
one show at Birds,
386
00:17:56,859 --> 00:17:59,428
you dared me to eat an
entire rotisserie chicken
387
00:17:59,461 --> 00:18:01,163
and then I did?
388
00:18:01,196 --> 00:18:03,533
But then people kind of
felt sorry for me, and...
389
00:18:03,566 --> 00:18:05,367
it was kind of a
downer all told,
390
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,537
and not ultimately
worth it, comedically.
391
00:18:07,570 --> 00:18:09,338
Right!
392
00:18:09,371 --> 00:18:10,606
Course.
393
00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:12,174
H-How's it going?
394
00:18:12,207 --> 00:18:13,709
(groans) Still
grinding away
395
00:18:13,743 --> 00:18:14,977
at the old improv.
396
00:18:15,010 --> 00:18:16,712
Been doing it, gosh,
like, a decade now.
397
00:18:16,746 --> 00:18:18,814
But, yeah, my boyfriend here,
he goes and does it
398
00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:21,483
for literally an hour
and gets a job, but...
399
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:24,554
I've got chore monkey shifts,
so-- you know what that is?
400
00:18:24,587 --> 00:18:27,189
Someone literally pays you
just over minimum wage
401
00:18:27,222 --> 00:18:29,024
to clean out their fridge,
for an example,
402
00:18:29,058 --> 00:18:31,393
and, uh, if you're real lucky,
when you get there,
403
00:18:31,426 --> 00:18:33,062
it's your ex-boyfriend
from college.
404
00:18:33,095 --> 00:18:35,397
Hey, uh, how much
do I have to pay you
405
00:18:35,430 --> 00:18:37,132
to end this conversation?
(chuckles)
406
00:18:37,166 --> 00:18:38,668
(laughs)
407
00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:41,470
Uh, hey, why-why
don't I take you home?
408
00:18:41,503 --> 00:18:43,505
No. No, you're networking.
409
00:18:43,539 --> 00:18:44,740
Go network.
410
00:18:44,774 --> 00:18:47,042
D-Dorothy?
411
00:18:47,076 --> 00:18:49,645
That was rough. Sorry.
412
00:18:49,679 --> 00:18:52,181
Hey, uh, I found some
cocaine in the bathroom.
413
00:18:52,214 --> 00:18:53,749
Do you want some?
414
00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:56,451
Mm.
415
00:18:59,088 --> 00:19:01,256
PRISCILLA: (laughs)
You know, actually,
416
00:19:01,290 --> 00:19:03,492
I'm looking for an
assistant stylist.
417
00:19:03,525 --> 00:19:05,527
I've stylisted before!
418
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,930
I-I dressed this rapper,
and we wrote a song
419
00:19:07,963 --> 00:19:11,033
and smoked a, um...
a professional job thingie.
420
00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:12,868
(both laugh)
421
00:19:12,902 --> 00:19:15,504
Well, I'd love to run through
a few questions with you.
422
00:19:15,537 --> 00:19:18,841
But you need to know that
there is travel required.
423
00:19:18,874 --> 00:19:21,243
You'd have to come
with me to Paris
424
00:19:21,276 --> 00:19:23,112
a couple of
times a year...
425
00:19:23,145 --> 00:19:24,847
(ringtone plays)
Oh. Sorry.
426
00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,548
Um, I'll be right back.
427
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:28,217
Yeah.
428
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:30,352
I don't know, you tell me:
429
00:19:30,385 --> 00:19:32,855
is an emu the same
thing as an ostrich?
430
00:19:32,888 --> 00:19:34,123
I'll wait.
431
00:19:34,156 --> 00:19:35,858
Can you believe this?
432
00:19:35,891 --> 00:19:37,559
Sweetie, I think
it's amazing
433
00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:39,695
that you want
to work, but...
434
00:19:39,729 --> 00:19:42,097
it's only ethical that you
tell her you're with child.
435
00:19:42,131 --> 00:19:44,133
Paul, this woman
dressed Porter Potty
436
00:19:44,166 --> 00:19:45,801
for The Good Li premiere
437
00:19:45,835 --> 00:19:47,770
after being retweeted
by Crabby Applepants.
438
00:19:47,803 --> 00:19:50,072
She likes me.
Let me handle this.
439
00:19:50,105 --> 00:19:52,141
PRISCILLA: (groans)
Sorry about that.
440
00:19:52,174 --> 00:19:55,044
Poachers can be
so unreliable.
441
00:19:55,077 --> 00:19:56,812
Anyway, tell me about you guys.
442
00:19:56,846 --> 00:19:59,148
Do you have any children?
Nope. (clears throat)
443
00:19:59,181 --> 00:20:00,716
(chuckles)
Um...
444
00:20:00,750 --> 00:20:02,551
well, that's not
entirely accurate.
445
00:20:02,584 --> 00:20:04,419
Do not take this
from me, Paul.
446
00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:06,756
It's entirely accurate.
(clears throat)
447
00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:09,825
Ma'am, despite my
wife's objections,
448
00:20:09,859 --> 00:20:12,394
I feel we have an
ethical obligation
449
00:20:12,427 --> 00:20:15,297
to inform you
of something.
450
00:20:15,330 --> 00:20:17,066
Lindsay's pregnant.
Oh?
451
00:20:17,099 --> 00:20:18,768
No, I'm not.
452
00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:21,637
(chuckles) Lindsay, I can't
let you mislead her.
453
00:20:21,671 --> 00:20:23,272
She's pregnant.
454
00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:26,241
No! I'm not pregnant, Paul.
There is no baby.
455
00:20:26,275 --> 00:20:28,110
I had an abortion.
(gasps)
456
00:20:28,143 --> 00:20:29,812
Lindsay, don't
lie to her.
457
00:20:29,845 --> 00:20:31,814
I'm not lying.
Gretchen drove me.
458
00:20:31,847 --> 00:20:34,083
There was a pie flight.
I talked to a sign lady.
459
00:20:34,116 --> 00:20:36,185
I did that.
Yeah. Hmm?
460
00:20:36,218 --> 00:20:38,287
Also, I'm leaving you.
(groans)
461
00:20:39,689 --> 00:20:42,157
So this is
the b Paris, right?
462
00:20:42,191 --> 00:20:44,293
The one with the bread?
463
00:20:44,326 --> 00:20:45,761
Uh...
464
00:20:45,795 --> 00:20:48,197
you guys seem like
you need some time alone.
465
00:20:48,230 --> 00:20:50,833
Why don't you call me
when you...
466
00:20:50,866 --> 00:20:53,002
figure all this out.
467
00:20:55,971 --> 00:20:58,173
Paul, are you okay?
468
00:20:59,374 --> 00:21:01,811
(soft, trembling breaths)
469
00:21:11,921 --> 00:21:14,023
I am allowed
to reassess my life.
470
00:21:14,056 --> 00:21:15,791
You have no say in it.
471
00:21:15,825 --> 00:21:17,626
So I'm just supposed
to wait around
472
00:21:17,659 --> 00:21:19,628
until you think I'm worthy
of being your girlfriend?
473
00:21:19,661 --> 00:21:21,230
That's bullshit, dude.
474
00:21:21,263 --> 00:21:23,899
Just tell me one of the
things on your list.
475
00:21:23,933 --> 00:21:26,702
Okay, fine. But only if
you tell me one of yours.
476
00:21:26,736 --> 00:21:28,704
(scoffs) Fine.
477
00:21:28,738 --> 00:21:31,473
(sighs):
Okay.
478
00:21:31,506 --> 00:21:33,843
"I can't see
having kids with her."
479
00:21:35,845 --> 00:21:37,612
Your turn.
480
00:21:42,051 --> 00:21:44,653
I'm afraid you'll
never be successful.
481
00:21:44,686 --> 00:21:47,422
All right, everybody,
quiet down. Quiet down.
482
00:21:47,456 --> 00:21:49,424
I'm Sam.
This is my boy Zachary.
483
00:21:49,458 --> 00:21:51,727
Now, we know why
we're here today.
484
00:21:51,761 --> 00:21:53,863
Dale and Jaclyn
went and eloped,
485
00:21:53,896 --> 00:21:56,265
because they were too cheap
to throw a proper wedding.
486
00:21:56,298 --> 00:21:58,033
(laughter)
487
00:21:58,067 --> 00:22:01,203
"Two people haven't
gotten married that fast
488
00:22:01,236 --> 00:22:05,107
since Immigration came
for my mom's gardener."
489
00:22:05,140 --> 00:22:06,842
(woman coughs quietly)
490
00:22:06,876 --> 00:22:09,044
It's true that this
courtship was kind of quick,
491
00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:10,746
but the thing is,
492
00:22:10,780 --> 00:22:14,183
when your shadow looks like
a broomstick with an afro,
493
00:22:14,216 --> 00:22:16,886
you lock down the first girl
that lets you touch her titties!
494
00:22:16,919 --> 00:22:18,453
(laughter)
495
00:22:18,487 --> 00:22:21,523
"This-this dude is so ugly...
496
00:22:21,556 --> 00:22:23,458
"his dad left his family
497
00:22:23,492 --> 00:22:26,128
and ask to go to jail."
498
00:22:26,161 --> 00:22:27,897
(chuckles)
499
00:22:27,930 --> 00:22:29,398
(man clears throat)
500
00:22:29,431 --> 00:22:31,867
(microphone feedback hums)
All joking aside,
501
00:22:31,901 --> 00:22:35,470
it may seem like they ain't
been dating that long,
502
00:22:35,504 --> 00:22:37,973
but when it's the person
you're meant to be with,
503
00:22:38,007 --> 00:22:40,042
you know right away.
(people aahing)
504
00:22:40,075 --> 00:22:41,977
And as you get
to know them,
505
00:22:42,011 --> 00:22:45,147
you only grow to
love them more.
506
00:22:45,180 --> 00:22:47,182
(whispers)
507
00:22:49,118 --> 00:22:50,552
Hey...
508
00:22:50,585 --> 00:22:53,588
uh, "Even if
it doesn't work out,
509
00:22:53,622 --> 00:22:57,960
we all got some wack-ass
ceviche out of it, right?"
510
00:22:57,993 --> 00:23:00,762
(laughter)
Ha! Ha-ha!
511
00:23:02,832 --> 00:23:03,833
Oh.
512
00:23:03,866 --> 00:23:05,134
(guitar playing mellow intro)
513
00:23:05,167 --> 00:23:07,169
Sorry about that kiss thing.
I apologize.
514
00:23:11,340 --> 00:23:14,176
I know he stole it.
He's the one.
515
00:23:14,209 --> 00:23:16,211
*
516
00:23:23,552 --> 00:23:27,857
* So go and drag your shadow
517
00:23:27,890 --> 00:23:30,692
* Back up the street
518
00:23:34,796 --> 00:23:38,467
* 'Cause Lord knows
I don't want it *
519
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:41,303
* Following me
520
00:23:54,249 --> 00:23:56,986
* So you and your heartbreak
521
00:23:57,019 --> 00:23:59,621
* And all of the mistakes
522
00:23:59,654 --> 00:24:02,491
* Are always there...
523
00:24:02,524 --> 00:24:04,994
Oh. Right.
524
00:24:05,027 --> 00:24:07,296
* You got some heartache
525
00:24:07,329 --> 00:24:09,531
* Come meet all my mistakes
526
00:24:09,564 --> 00:24:12,401
* And we'll always be there
527
00:24:12,434 --> 00:24:14,469
* They're always there
528
00:24:14,503 --> 00:24:17,339
* So you and your heartbreak
529
00:24:17,372 --> 00:24:19,808
* And all of the mistakes
530
00:24:19,841 --> 00:24:22,577
* Are always there
531
00:24:22,611 --> 00:24:25,214
* They're always there
532
00:24:25,247 --> 00:24:27,516
* I've got some heartache
533
00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:30,052
* Come meet all my mistakes
534
00:24:30,085 --> 00:24:32,421
* And we'll always be there
535
00:24:32,454 --> 00:24:35,424
* They're always there
536
00:24:37,759 --> 00:24:40,095
* So I don't know
537
00:24:40,129 --> 00:24:43,865
* Why I feel so
538
00:24:43,899 --> 00:24:45,534
* Alone
539
00:24:45,567 --> 00:24:47,869
* Oh, oh, oh, oh
540
00:24:47,903 --> 00:24:50,872
* Oh, yeah, I don't know why
541
00:24:50,906 --> 00:24:53,208
* I feel so
542
00:24:53,242 --> 00:24:57,112
* Alone...
543
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,383
* Oh, I don't know why
544
00:25:01,416 --> 00:25:03,385
* I feel so
545
00:25:03,418 --> 00:25:06,388
* Alone
546
00:25:06,421 --> 00:25:08,423
* Oh, oh, oh, oh
547
00:25:08,457 --> 00:25:10,759
* Oh, yeah, I don't know
548
00:25:10,792 --> 00:25:14,763
* Why I feel so alone.
549
00:25:18,900 --> 00:25:21,903
(dog barks)
550
00:25:24,839 --> 00:25:27,842
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
38448
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