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1
00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:03,470
On this special episode of
"So Dumb It's Criminal,"
2
00:00:03,503 --> 00:00:05,973
pea-brained perpetrators
meet their moronic match...
3
00:00:07,574 --> 00:00:09,484
While others let
anger take the wheel
4
00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:11,709
and drive them straight to jail.
5
00:00:11,745 --> 00:00:15,545
You won't even want to
take a bathroom break.
6
00:00:15,582 --> 00:00:18,592
It's all coming up on
"So Dumb It's Criminal."
7
00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:25,590
Welcome to "So Dumb
It's Criminal,"
8
00:00:25,625 --> 00:00:27,785
the show that will make
you want to kiss your mama
9
00:00:27,827 --> 00:00:29,527
for raising you
right.
10
00:00:29,562 --> 00:00:32,032
Say hello to my police lineup...
11
00:00:32,065 --> 00:00:35,835
Jim Jefferies and Diallo Riddle.
12
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:36,999
And I can't forget the lady
13
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,607
who brings some gravity
to all depravity,
14
00:00:39,639 --> 00:00:42,079
my lovely clip keeper, Tacarra.
15
00:00:42,108 --> 00:00:43,138
What up, Snoop?
16
00:00:43,176 --> 00:00:45,006
So, what are we
starting with today, T?
17
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,422
Today, we're gonna
start with some people
18
00:00:46,446 --> 00:00:49,376
who didn't know it was time
to shut the party down.
19
00:00:49,416 --> 00:00:50,816
Have you ever
gotten so messed up,
20
00:00:50,850 --> 00:00:53,490
you did something you regretted?
21
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:56,290
Uh, probably got drunk when
I should have got high.
22
00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:59,894
- That's me every day.
- Yeah.
23
00:00:59,926 --> 00:01:04,426
I've gotten drunk and done
some unfortunate people.
24
00:01:04,464 --> 00:01:08,774
- Oh, people. Okay.
25
00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:11,672
Diallo, you ever
gotten so messed up
26
00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:14,050
that you did something
that you regret?
27
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,844
- You mean this week?
- Yeah.
28
00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:17,475
- Yeah.
- You know, I always say that,
29
00:01:17,510 --> 00:01:20,850
like, I wish I was more of
an appreciator of marijuana,
30
00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,650
because I think you can do stuff
there and sort of maintain.
31
00:01:23,683 --> 00:01:26,293
I'm more of the drink
until you black out,
32
00:01:26,319 --> 00:01:27,964
and then you wake up and
awkwardly ask your wife,
33
00:01:27,988 --> 00:01:29,231
"So, how was the
end of the night?"
34
00:01:29,255 --> 00:01:31,315
- That's more my speed.
35
00:01:31,358 --> 00:01:33,858
Okay. First up, we
have some people
36
00:01:33,893 --> 00:01:36,303
who paid the prices
for their vices.
37
00:01:36,329 --> 00:01:39,099
Check them out in "High Crimes."
38
00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:45,809
We have the Malcolm
X of beer drinkers.
39
00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:48,639
He got his party on by
any means necessary.
40
00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:50,735
Check him out.
41
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:53,777
Let's check him out,
see what he working.
42
00:01:53,813 --> 00:01:55,523
- Well, God damn.
- Oh, oh, oh.
43
00:01:55,548 --> 00:01:56,778
"I'm tired of waiting.
44
00:01:56,816 --> 00:01:59,346
I'm just coming in this
motherfucker, for fleek.
45
00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:00,629
Yeah, straight up.
Let me back up."
46
00:02:00,653 --> 00:02:02,463
No, no, no, no. Not again.
47
00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:03,532
"Yeah, let me back
this thing up.
48
00:02:03,556 --> 00:02:05,034
Now the door is
open, I go in there
49
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:06,528
and get me something
to drink now."
50
00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:14,498
- "My phone says it's 8:59."
51
00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:17,404
- Look at this shit.
- Wait! Wait a minute.
52
00:02:17,437 --> 00:02:19,267
He didn't even go through
the biggest opening.
53
00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:21,535
He stuck his hand
through the side.
54
00:02:21,574 --> 00:02:23,244
That was great
criminal thinking,
55
00:02:23,276 --> 00:02:25,346
because you couldn't
actually see his face.
56
00:02:25,378 --> 00:02:26,678
Got you.
57
00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:27,890
So he was actually looking
out for himself on that one.
58
00:02:27,914 --> 00:02:29,384
When they put that
on Channel 2 News,
59
00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:30,416
"This is the suspect.
60
00:02:30,450 --> 00:02:32,067
We can't see half the
motherfucker's face,
61
00:02:32,091 --> 00:02:35,285
but he was driving
a big, black truck."
62
00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:38,192
- But what was he stealing?
- Was it beer or something?
63
00:02:38,224 --> 00:02:41,194
Like, when I smash and
grab, I go for the Cristal.
64
00:02:41,227 --> 00:02:42,357
- Right.
- It's just who I am.
65
00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:46,101
Cristal's never that
high up on the shelf.
66
00:02:46,132 --> 00:02:48,202
- Yeah.
67
00:02:48,234 --> 00:02:49,412
I'd hate to see
what this guy'd do
68
00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:51,396
if he lost the
keys to his house.
69
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:57,514
Have you ever, like, really
needed a drink, like, that bad?
70
00:02:57,544 --> 00:02:58,914
- Now.
- Yeah.
71
00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:02,150
Next up, here is a British dude
72
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:08,030
who brings new meaning
to the phrase "piss off."
73
00:03:08,054 --> 00:03:09,494
Fuck off.
74
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:12,392
Oh, just look at him,
peeing on himself, cuz.
75
00:03:12,425 --> 00:03:14,885
Come on, cuz. Come on, cuz.
76
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,039
First of all, what
kind of dick he got
77
00:03:17,063 --> 00:03:18,703
where he can just
pee straight up.
78
00:03:21,434 --> 00:03:23,404
He's still going.
79
00:03:23,436 --> 00:03:25,336
He achieved the perfect
angle, apparently.
80
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:27,612
Am I the only one that
was nervous at the fact
81
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,640
that his mouth was
open the whole time?
82
00:03:29,676 --> 00:03:32,506
- It was getting so close.
83
00:03:32,545 --> 00:03:34,705
I'll explain to
you how dicks work.
84
00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:40,590
Most people, you go left
or you go right, right?
85
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:42,198
Unless you've got an erection
you're trying to hide,
86
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,992
which you put up into the belt.
87
00:03:44,090 --> 00:03:45,390
- Okay.
- And it sits above you
88
00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:47,285
like a small tumor
on your stomach.
89
00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:49,627
- Okay.
- I suspect that that man
90
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,833
had an erection minutes
before that happened,
91
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:53,465
and he done the upward bit,
92
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:56,100
and then he was just
pissing like a fountain.
93
00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:57,136
That's amazing.
94
00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:58,447
I want to be able
to do that one day,
95
00:03:58,471 --> 00:04:01,571
just walk in the living
room say, "Hi, guys."
96
00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:05,968
Only motherfucker I know
that do that is R. Kelly.
97
00:04:07,947 --> 00:04:09,677
I wonder who this guy
is in the background
98
00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:12,086
who's, like, peeking
around the corner?
99
00:04:12,118 --> 00:04:14,088
Does he even know he did this?
100
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:18,290
Like, is he gonna see this video
and be like, "Oh, I was peeing?"
101
00:04:18,325 --> 00:04:21,455
- Pee is hot.
- Do you understand me? So...
102
00:04:21,494 --> 00:04:22,834
What do you mean? Like, sexy?
103
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:25,232
- No. Hell no.
104
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:29,795
I mean that the temperature...
The temperature of pee is hot,
105
00:04:29,836 --> 00:04:32,266
because it's coming
out your hot-ass body.
106
00:04:32,305 --> 00:04:33,305
Which I find sexy.
107
00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:35,410
Which would have
woke his ass up.
108
00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:36,886
If he was drunk, it
should have woke him up.
109
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:39,710
Like, what is this hot shit on
me that's squirting out of me?
110
00:04:39,746 --> 00:04:41,676
I mean, it spent a
little time in the air.
111
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,645
- It might have cooled off.
112
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:45,593
Anyway, here's a woman
113
00:04:45,618 --> 00:04:47,997
who didn't want the traffic
camera to catch her drunk ass,
114
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:49,999
so she did something about it.
115
00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:52,763
Let's see what she did.
116
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:55,004
Oh, come on.
117
00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:56,828
She knocked the camera down?
118
00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:02,011
My idol.
119
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,735
So the camera didn't
see her do that?
120
00:05:03,770 --> 00:05:05,710
No. Just the person behind her
121
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:08,017
with the camera
seen her do that.
122
00:05:09,709 --> 00:05:13,109
I wonder how the person
behind her knew to record?
123
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,406
It may have been road rage
124
00:05:14,447 --> 00:05:15,891
with her and the
person that's filming.
125
00:05:15,915 --> 00:05:17,093
- That's what I think.
- Got you.
126
00:05:17,117 --> 00:05:19,387
In the road rage, she
got so out of control.
127
00:05:19,419 --> 00:05:21,889
You think this is the
first bit of dumb shit
128
00:05:21,921 --> 00:05:24,291
- this lady has done today?
- Yes.
129
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,634
This person was
following her for miles.
130
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:27,770
They didn't take
their camera out
131
00:05:27,794 --> 00:05:29,804
just hoping to catch
something like this.
132
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:32,269
They caught something. Alright.
133
00:05:32,298 --> 00:05:34,728
So, next up, we have a
dude who is so messed up,
134
00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:39,108
he left home without
his ride and his pants.
135
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,269
Help!
136
00:05:40,306 --> 00:05:44,236
- Okay, that's my car.
- No one's in there, okay?
137
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:46,077
What? How are you poisoned?
138
00:05:51,551 --> 00:05:53,051
How are you poisoned?
139
00:05:53,086 --> 00:05:54,816
Sir? Sir!
140
00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:57,924
Hey, get out of there! Hey!
141
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,100
Well, we definitely
know he's not Black.
142
00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:06,627
It's weird to me that the cop
is this far away from his car.
143
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:09,236
And his car is open
with the keys in it.
144
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:11,299
But, also, you said you
know he's not Black.
145
00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:12,538
I don't know if he's human.
146
00:06:12,572 --> 00:06:15,482
He looks like just a
glowing bit of light.
147
00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:18,778
He might be an
angel.
148
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:21,352
I like how the cop
turned into a parent.
149
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,591
"Hey, hey, hey, hey,
what are you doing there?
150
00:06:22,615 --> 00:06:23,575
Hey, you better come
back for a minute.
151
00:06:23,616 --> 00:06:25,046
Hey, you better stop it."
152
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:27,515
He just calmly asked
him, "Were you poisoned?"
153
00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:29,098
Like, he's looking for
this man's excuses.
154
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:30,262
Uh-huh.
155
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:31,701
It doesn't typically
go that way with...
156
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,525
Yeah, normally it
doesn't.
157
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,630
We got different
experiences with the police.
158
00:06:35,662 --> 00:06:37,202
They don't never end like that.
159
00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:38,500
- Right.
160
00:06:38,531 --> 00:06:39,771
Alright. Next up,
161
00:06:39,799 --> 00:06:42,099
here's a guy trying to
break into a donation box.
162
00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:44,735
This guy's got to be under
the influence of something
163
00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:46,611
other than the
smell of mothballs
164
00:06:46,639 --> 00:06:49,479
and a love of
secondhand clothes.
165
00:06:49,509 --> 00:06:52,179
So, I'm just leaving.
166
00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:54,752
Some guy is stealing
from the donation box.
167
00:06:54,781 --> 00:06:57,381
Oh, no. Oh, he's gonna
be stuck in there.
168
00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,787
You're not fucking
getting out, you dummy.
169
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,222
He drives a Volvo.
170
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,916
Like, what the fuck
is happening here?
171
00:07:06,326 --> 00:07:08,026
Might be he had
seller's remorse.
172
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:11,231
Like, his wife gave away
one of his favorite jackets,
173
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,534
and he's like, "I fucking
loved that jacket,"
174
00:07:13,566 --> 00:07:14,926
and then he went in to get it.
175
00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:17,635
But, like, these
clips are all very fun
176
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:19,471
until we find out
that guy's dead.
177
00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:21,566
You know?
178
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:23,678
People went past that box,
and it smelled really bad,
179
00:07:23,710 --> 00:07:26,150
but we're all enjoying
it on TV right now.
180
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:27,779
I think you solved the mystery.
181
00:07:27,814 --> 00:07:29,625
It's that thing where you have
something you're throwing away
182
00:07:29,649 --> 00:07:31,379
and something valuable
in the same hand,
183
00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:32,862
and then you have to, like,
consciously think, "Okay",
184
00:07:32,886 --> 00:07:34,616
I'm gonna throw this
away, but not my keys.
185
00:07:34,654 --> 00:07:36,165
So he might have thrown
his keys in there.
186
00:07:37,223 --> 00:07:38,367
And he's just trying
to get them back.
187
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:40,391
- Ah. That's smart.
- I've done that before.
188
00:07:40,427 --> 00:07:41,857
Imagine driving by,
189
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:44,555
and somebody's screaming from
the box, "I'm stuck in here."
190
00:07:44,597 --> 00:07:47,043
I bought him at a Goodwill
store a week later.
191
00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:52,635
Next up, if you raise
the roof too hard,
192
00:07:52,672 --> 00:07:54,912
people probably gonna
fall out of there.
193
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:57,478
Tuscumbia Police say Wesley Bost
194
00:07:57,510 --> 00:08:00,110
managed to escape
with an accomplice
195
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:03,076
after tearing through the
Waffle House like a tornado.
196
00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:05,486
It all happened Sunday
morning, when police believe.
197
00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:08,218
Bost went into the
bathroom, locked himself in,
198
00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:10,564
and tied an article of
clothing to the door.
199
00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:12,690
He then climbed
into the ceiling.
200
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,834
- Holy fucking shit.
201
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:22,936
What the fuck is he doing?
202
00:08:23,036 --> 00:08:26,406
This is a dumb
motherfucker right here.
203
00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:29,018
After that happened,
police say he took off,
204
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:31,642
but not without leaving
some evidence behind.
205
00:08:33,580 --> 00:08:35,950
And he left those pants
at the Waffle House.
206
00:08:36,049 --> 00:08:37,549
- I'm mad 'cause he had
207
00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:40,124
my favorite fucking
restaurant doing this shit.
208
00:08:40,153 --> 00:08:42,163
- The Waffle House?
- I love the Waffle House.
209
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:44,188
This wasn't even the
craziest thing that happened
210
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:46,094
at the Waffle
House that morning.
211
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:48,256
Stay right there!
212
00:08:52,432 --> 00:08:53,809
As a person that
grew up in Atlanta,
213
00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:56,503
the Waffle House looks like this
every day at about 3:00 a.m.
214
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,336
- Right.
215
00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,841
Of course it's gonna
fall like that.
216
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:01,413
It's made out of waffles.
217
00:09:04,577 --> 00:09:07,247
Like, I don't want to tell you
how to make your buildings,
218
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:09,150
but structurally...
You know what?
219
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:11,352
I wish somebody'd
pointed that out earlier.
220
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:16,999
What was he hiding again?
221
00:09:17,023 --> 00:09:18,563
He locked himself
in the bathroom
222
00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:20,008
and tied his shirt
around the door.
223
00:09:20,032 --> 00:09:22,026
- Why?
- I don't know what the fuck for.
224
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,439
Right. And then crawled
through the ceiling.
225
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:24,907
Well, you don't want to be
interrupted sometimes, you know?
226
00:09:24,931 --> 00:09:27,871
Like, he wanted a
nice, smooth movement.
227
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,471
- Yeah.
- At the Waffle House.
228
00:09:29,502 --> 00:09:30,780
- The lock was broken.
- At the Waffle House.
229
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:32,674
He figured he'd make his own.
230
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:35,017
And the Waffle House
bathrooms is nasty, right?
231
00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:36,485
Oh, I mean, people
have been eating grits.
232
00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:38,349
You'll be scared to pee
in the motherfuckers.
233
00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:40,478
Like, you go in that,
234
00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:41,857
you got to protect
your dick when you pee.
235
00:09:41,881 --> 00:09:45,551
Like, for real, man. That
motherfucker is nasty.
236
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,685
I like how you use two
hands to protect your dick.
237
00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:52,831
Mine is little.
238
00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:54,489
Put a finger down.
239
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:58,797
Now, y'all know I
always pay my bills.
240
00:09:58,832 --> 00:09:59,832
I'm always on time.
241
00:09:59,866 --> 00:10:02,766
So we'll be right
back after this.
242
00:10:14,414 --> 00:10:15,954
Welcome back. What's next, T?
243
00:10:15,982 --> 00:10:17,882
The best lawyers don't
have any commercials,
244
00:10:17,917 --> 00:10:20,817
but the lawyers that do,
they are my favorites.
245
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:24,264
If you're in trouble, you better
call these guys right here.
246
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:29,457
- Bryan Wilson, Texas law hawk.
247
00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:32,896
Bryan Wilson, the
Texas law hawk!
248
00:10:32,932 --> 00:10:34,632
Talons of justice!
249
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:37,438
Due process?
250
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,440
Do wheelies.
251
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:47,014
I was sort of thinking that
maybe the hawk was the lawyer.
252
00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:50,026
This guy's just standing.
253
00:10:50,050 --> 00:10:51,894
'Cause, you know, when you
show up at the law offices
254
00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:53,148
and there's a hawk there,
255
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:54,946
you're gonna have
some questions.
256
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:58,215
This motherfucker right here
riding on a real minibike, man,
257
00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:00,658
trying to get you to come
let him represent you.
258
00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:02,764
If somebody had, like,
a commercial like this,
259
00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,356
would you let them rep you?
260
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:05,797
- Fuck no.
261
00:11:05,832 --> 00:11:10,342
- Fuck out of here.
- It depends on my crime.
262
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:12,048
If it's for
disturbing the peace,
263
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:13,442
you don't want
that bloke, do you,
264
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:16,283
come in going, "What my
client did was okay!"
265
00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:18,549
- He screams everything.
266
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:20,117
Alright, so, these
next lawyers are here
267
00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:24,076
to help you get high
for the holidays.
268
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:42,944
- Okay.
269
00:11:42,969 --> 00:11:44,647
It's good to see Hall
& Oates working again.
270
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:48,836
I just want to put out a
warning... I smell narc.
271
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,505
This sounds like the
most narc-y song.
272
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:52,814
Why does he look so unhappy?
273
00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:55,024
Probably because he's still
working with a typewriter
274
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,348
and not a computer.
275
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,083
Okay.
276
00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,518
Also, do you think the
bloke bought a Lexus
277
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,423
just so it could
rhyme with Texas?
278
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:03,885
- Yes.
- 'Cause there's no other car.
279
00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:05,267
They're like, "Hey, have
you looked at the Avalon?"
280
00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:07,531
He's like, "No, no, no.
I've got to rhyme this word.
281
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,438
It's very important to me
that you show me one car."
282
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:12,502
- I have this song in my future.
- This will come in very handy.
283
00:12:12,532 --> 00:12:15,047
It's catchy. I mean, you
know, I would remember it.
284
00:12:15,071 --> 00:12:17,498
Do you think when you get
caught with weed at Easter,
285
00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:19,237
they'd still represent you?
286
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:22,112
Or are they just a purely
Christmas weed-based company?
287
00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:26,947
'Cause I've had some
Memorial Day weed incidents
288
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:28,720
that I would like
some help with.
289
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:34,286
If you ask me, clean-cut
lawyers who drive Mercedes...
290
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:35,760
They're kind of corny.
291
00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:39,089
I want you to give me one
driving a truck reckless,
292
00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:40,685
like this guy right here.
293
00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:42,597
America is about freedom.
294
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:44,559
I'm Adam Reposa.
295
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,427
This is my truck.
296
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:49,936
All I can think is
I'm a lawyer. Why?
297
00:12:50,036 --> 00:12:51,636
- Don't...
- Are you
298
00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:53,511
- get in my...
- in my
299
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:54,570
- way!
- Way!
300
00:12:54,607 --> 00:12:56,277
I'm a lawyer.
301
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:59,809
I'm a lawyer! Don't
get in my way!
302
00:12:59,846 --> 00:13:03,116
And if you're
prosecuting my client,
303
00:13:03,149 --> 00:13:04,949
- you...
- This is my truck!
304
00:13:05,051 --> 00:13:07,421
- Are...
- I am a lawyer!
305
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:08,764
- In...
- I'm out of recovery.
306
00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:11,788
- My way!
307
00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:14,255
- I'm Adam Reposa.
- Alright.
308
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,234
- Wow.
- I don't care what anyone says,
309
00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:19,702
white people are the
best.
310
00:13:19,733 --> 00:13:22,073
So, he's gonna have to
defend himself this point
311
00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:23,546
with all the crimes he just
committed in this video.
312
00:13:23,570 --> 00:13:25,310
I mean, there's so
much wrong with this.
313
00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:26,568
Right.
314
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:29,306
First off, he says "I am
a lawyer" three times.
315
00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:31,782
At some point, you
start to think,
316
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,211
- "This man's not a lawyer."
- Right.
317
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:34,406
Like, if your spouse says,
318
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:36,347
"I am not cheating
on you" three times,
319
00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:38,423
you start to think,
"They're cheating on me."
320
00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:39,651
- Yeah.
321
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:42,064
I can't imagine what sex
is like with this guy.
322
00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:43,818
Does he yell his
name every time?
323
00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:45,327
- "I am coming!"
324
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:47,358
"You're about to
receive some come."
325
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:49,639
When I seen him, I
fell in love with him.
326
00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:50,633
I was like, "You know what?
327
00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:51,841
I've got to meet
this motherfucker
328
00:13:51,865 --> 00:13:53,865
to see if he really
is who he say he is."
329
00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:56,040
'Cause I just want
to believe the fact
330
00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:57,339
that this is
actually what it is.
331
00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:00,370
So here today on this show
332
00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:06,607
is lawyer, patriot, and
champion Adam R-R-Reposa.
333
00:14:06,646 --> 00:14:08,416
Adam Reposa, what's
happening, baby?
334
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:13,029
Glad to have you on the
show, first and foremost.
335
00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:16,123
For your ad, you practice, like,
you know, crazy law or whatnot,
336
00:14:16,156 --> 00:14:17,916
but what is it
that you really do
337
00:14:17,957 --> 00:14:20,036
as far as for people that
come into your office?
338
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:21,130
What do you provide?
339
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:40,078
- Alright.
340
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:45,547
So I see you got a picture
341
00:14:45,585 --> 00:14:48,145
of my late, great
homeboy Tupac behind you.
342
00:14:57,397 --> 00:15:01,127
So, Adam, I want you to give
us the basic representation
343
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:02,278
of what you do
and how you do it.
344
00:15:02,302 --> 00:15:03,642
We want to see it
live and direct.
345
00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:04,640
Oh, yeah.
346
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:05,871
Let me show you a video,
347
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,165
and you tell me what
advice you'd give the guy
348
00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:09,378
if he was your client.
349
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,027
Now, he was pulled over
350
00:15:12,051 --> 00:15:16,315
for allegedly driving drunk
on a riding lawn mower.
351
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:21,049
What's going on?
352
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,618
You know you're in
the road, right?
353
00:15:24,758 --> 00:15:26,188
You were.
354
00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:28,356
How much you have
to drink tonight?
355
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:31,199
- A couple?
356
00:15:33,733 --> 00:15:36,573
Okay. And you're operating a
motor vehicle, essentially.
357
00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:39,048
You weren't on the side.
358
00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:40,416
I observed you in the
middle of the road.
359
00:15:42,976 --> 00:15:44,276
And back there...
360
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:51,046
So, I'm gonna ask
you one more time
361
00:15:51,084 --> 00:15:52,794
if you want to do
these exercises?
362
00:15:56,656 --> 00:15:58,501
This motherfucker ain't
got time for no exercises.
363
00:15:58,525 --> 00:15:59,925
What can I say? What can I say?
364
00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:01,526
What advice would you give him?
365
00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:23,851
Unauthorized
highway maintenance.
366
00:16:23,883 --> 00:16:25,823
I like that terminology.
367
00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:27,892
- And it was within the law.
- Mm-hmm.
368
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:37,807
- Mm-hmm.
- That's my kind of lawyer.
369
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:39,331
We've got to wrap this up,
370
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:41,626
but we want to thank my main
man, Adam, for coming through.
371
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:43,568
Adam, you are truly an original,
372
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:46,343
and if I'm ever in Texas
and if I do a crime,
373
00:16:46,373 --> 00:16:48,551
you're gonna be the first
motherfucker I'll reach out for.
374
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:50,987
But
before I get to that,
375
00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,989
I would love for you to
give us your catch phrase,
376
00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:53,990
the shit that you're known for.
377
00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:55,224
Hit us one time with it.
378
00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:57,048
I am a lawyer!
379
00:16:57,083 --> 00:17:00,223
- We'll be right back.
380
00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:04,489
Thank you, Adam.
Thank you, brother.
381
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:15,741
Welcome back.
382
00:17:15,769 --> 00:17:19,809
Tacarra, what criminal behavior
are we digging into next?
383
00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:24,579
And now another episode of
"What's in Your Pants?",
384
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:26,451
where people think
they're magicians,
385
00:17:26,479 --> 00:17:27,709
but instead of a hat,
386
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:30,077
they pull all types of
shit out of their pants.
387
00:17:31,685 --> 00:17:34,030
Alright, so this next dude
didn't have a concealed weapon,
388
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:36,864
but he did have
plenty of concealer.
389
00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:39,037
Watch what happens when
he gets caught by security
390
00:17:39,061 --> 00:17:42,429
after a trip to
the makeup aisle.
391
00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:44,462
Alright, he's taking
it out of his pants?
392
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:46,927
Yeah.
393
00:17:46,966 --> 00:17:48,666
That's the whole shelf.
394
00:17:48,702 --> 00:17:50,842
You walked into the store
and walked out the aisle,
395
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:52,270
and the whole shelf was gone.
396
00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:54,005
He's gonna get his ass
beat when he get home
397
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,240
and this girl gonna smell
all that makeup and lip gloss
398
00:17:56,276 --> 00:17:58,706
and shit on him and be
like, "Explain this shit."
399
00:17:58,745 --> 00:18:00,605
How did it get on your
pants by your dick?
400
00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:02,777
I don't want to hear
that shit."
401
00:18:02,816 --> 00:18:05,216
"But, baby, I was stealing
some shit for you."
402
00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:09,031
My favorite part of this
whole clip is at the very end,
403
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:11,385
when, like, he just looks,
and he politely nods.
404
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,269
- That's everything.
- What are you trying to say?
405
00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:15,763
- He's a gentleman thief.
- Yeah.
406
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:16,755
Like, he's the Thomas
Crown of Sephora.
407
00:18:16,796 --> 00:18:18,326
So, question...
408
00:18:18,365 --> 00:18:20,425
Have you ever bought
something from someone else
409
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,197
that you knew was stolen?
410
00:18:22,235 --> 00:18:24,135
- Definitely.
- I definitely have.
411
00:18:24,170 --> 00:18:26,310
I buy shit all the time
that I know they're stolen.
412
00:18:27,741 --> 00:18:28,881
I'll tell you what, though,
413
00:18:28,908 --> 00:18:31,178
about buying things that
you know are stolen.
414
00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:33,811
I had a friend once who was
shoplifting when we were kids,
415
00:18:33,847 --> 00:18:36,117
and he fucking
shoplifted Tic Tacs.
416
00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:37,849
- Me too.
- Right? See?
417
00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:39,854
The security guard goes, "Hey."
418
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:41,546
And then you step away...
ksh!
419
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:44,734
"What have you got
in your pocket?"
420
00:18:44,758 --> 00:18:46,188
"Nothing."
Ksk, ksk!
421
00:18:47,661 --> 00:18:49,831
If you want to shoplift,
take the Mentos.
422
00:18:51,197 --> 00:18:53,027
I took an entire 12-pack...
423
00:18:53,066 --> 00:18:54,596
- Yeah.
Ksk-ksk-ksk!
- Of Tic Tacs.
424
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:55,674
- Yeah.
425
00:18:55,702 --> 00:18:57,372
And put them in my book bag.
426
00:18:57,404 --> 00:18:59,214
You're a criminal,
but you tasted lovely.
427
00:19:00,740 --> 00:19:05,880
Alright, so, this next lifter
is what I call a meat magician.
428
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:07,812
- Give me that crap now.
- Oh, no.
429
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:11,517
He got on a fake-ass
Jerry Rice jersey.
430
00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:13,251
- Those is ribs.
431
00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:14,997
- He's fitting to barbecue.
- "Hey, man, look here."
432
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:17,261
We had a bunch of
bitches at the house.
433
00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:19,001
Got that hamburger meat.
434
00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:21,825
That's that hamburger meat
to go with the spaghetti.
435
00:19:21,861 --> 00:19:24,031
That's the motherfucking
hamburger meat
436
00:19:24,064 --> 00:19:26,134
- "to go with the tacos."
- Oh, my God.
437
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:27,566
- Damn.
- Another rib.
438
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:31,440
"I got those baby back ribs
that I was gonna sauté them."
439
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:37,383
"Then down here in this side,
I got that, uh, pork ribs."
440
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:38,587
Snoop, he's one of those people
441
00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:39,822
that showed up at the
barbecue with nothing,
442
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:40,876
and then they like, "Oh,
443
00:19:40,914 --> 00:19:42,124
you can't come in
here with nothing."
444
00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:43,459
- "I'll be right back."
- "I'll be right back."
445
00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:48,192
I thought when you
said meat magicians,
446
00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:50,491
it was like every man, when
they sit on the toilet,
447
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,263
we put our cock and
balls between our legs
448
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:53,832
and then we go, "I'm
a lady, I'm a lady,"
449
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:55,660
just to ourselves
as a bit of fun.
450
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,595
- Okay.
451
00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,170
So true, so true.
452
00:19:59,199 --> 00:20:01,939
- Wow.
- Do you guys agree with that?
453
00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:04,838
- Like, I don't know.
- Every man, every man.
454
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,841
- Every man. Okay, okay.
455
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:07,913
Alright.
456
00:20:07,941 --> 00:20:10,281
I will have to disagree
with that shit.
457
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:12,150
- I was hoping.
458
00:20:12,178 --> 00:20:13,178
I was looking at you like,
459
00:20:13,213 --> 00:20:15,123
"Dude, give me
something here, please."
460
00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:16,318
Enh!
461
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:18,419
You have never put your
dick between your legs
462
00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:20,351
and done the mangina and go,
463
00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:21,887
"Oh, this is a bit of fun"?
464
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:23,261
Alright, so next up,
465
00:20:23,289 --> 00:20:27,329
here's a lady who is redefining
the term bottle service.
466
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:31,300
She's got a lot of room, too.
467
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:32,971
"Okay. There you go.
Get it together."
468
00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:34,399
I'm gonna get this
one right here,
469
00:20:34,434 --> 00:20:36,145
- "'cause I know they like this."
- This one for my Aunt, you know?
470
00:20:36,169 --> 00:20:37,469
"They like this shit here."
471
00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:39,281
"Now, I'm gonna go ahead
and get this one for Cheryl.
472
00:20:39,305 --> 00:20:41,805
- She likes wine."
- "Uh-huh. Hallelujah.
473
00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:43,686
I'm gonna look suspicious
while I'm doing it, too.
474
00:20:43,710 --> 00:20:47,180
I'm gonna look real suspicious
so nobody knows what I'm doing.
475
00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:49,453
"I'm gonna look
like I'm stealing."
476
00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:50,893
"And I'm gonna pay
for this one here."
477
00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:52,061
"I'm gonna take some more shit.
478
00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,615
I've got these
big-ass drawers on.
479
00:20:53,653 --> 00:20:55,293
I'm gonna put something
in my drawers."
480
00:20:55,322 --> 00:20:56,799
Well, they're not gonna
find that for weeks.
481
00:21:00,060 --> 00:21:02,060
She lifted her titty
and put it under it.
482
00:21:02,095 --> 00:21:04,240
You notice how she didn't take
nothing from the bottom shelf?
483
00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:07,174
- She was all like top-shelf shit?
- Yeah.
484
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:08,940
Sometimes you
over-invite to the party.
485
00:21:08,968 --> 00:21:10,446
I actually feel a lot
of empathy for that.
486
00:21:10,470 --> 00:21:11,840
I want to find out who she is.
487
00:21:11,871 --> 00:21:14,211
You know, Drake sent, what,
six bottles to Charlamagne?
488
00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:16,240
Let's send her 18
bottles of Cuevo.
489
00:21:16,276 --> 00:21:18,346
Do you reckon she emptied
all the bottles out
490
00:21:18,378 --> 00:21:20,948
and then, "Alright, here we
go. Here, have the party."
491
00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:22,280
And then, like two weeks later,
492
00:21:22,315 --> 00:21:24,193
she lifts up a tit up and
a bottle of gin fell out?
493
00:21:27,487 --> 00:21:28,987
"I forgot that was up there."
494
00:21:32,659 --> 00:21:34,459
What's next, my clip stress?
495
00:21:34,494 --> 00:21:36,504
There are all types of crimes,
496
00:21:36,529 --> 00:21:39,229
but the ones that never
get too tired or old
497
00:21:39,265 --> 00:21:41,125
is good, old-fashioned thievery.
498
00:21:41,167 --> 00:21:44,267
It's time for
"Let's Get Lifted."
499
00:21:47,107 --> 00:21:51,037
Rule number one when stealing,
always watch your step,
500
00:21:51,077 --> 00:21:52,488
especially when
you're trying to steal
501
00:21:52,512 --> 00:21:55,322
a manhole cover like this guy.
502
00:21:55,348 --> 00:21:58,178
- A manhole cover?
- Why?
503
00:21:58,218 --> 00:22:02,358
What do you get for this?
504
00:22:02,389 --> 00:22:04,059
There's a black market
for manhole covers.
505
00:22:04,090 --> 00:22:06,360
- There can't be?
- There is. They melt them down.
506
00:22:06,393 --> 00:22:08,533
There can't be.
507
00:22:08,561 --> 00:22:13,631
- You dumb motherfucker.
- Oh!
508
00:22:15,635 --> 00:22:17,665
People don't realize
that's why manholes exist,
509
00:22:17,704 --> 00:22:19,474
- is to stop moments like this.
- Yeah.
510
00:22:19,506 --> 00:22:20,706
- For real?
511
00:22:20,740 --> 00:22:22,240
- Bring that video back.
- Let me see.
512
00:22:22,275 --> 00:22:24,375
Bring it back.
513
00:22:24,411 --> 00:22:26,881
Ow!
514
00:22:26,913 --> 00:22:28,253
Did it hit his head?
515
00:22:28,281 --> 00:22:31,481
That shit hurt.
516
00:22:31,518 --> 00:22:33,788
- That knee is done.
- Mm!
517
00:22:33,820 --> 00:22:36,560
Do you reckon the guy on
the motorbike knew him?
518
00:22:36,589 --> 00:22:39,089
- That was his getaway ride.
519
00:22:39,125 --> 00:22:41,555
But what was the point
of stealing the cover?
520
00:22:41,594 --> 00:22:44,864
Did he have a hole near his
house that was uncovered...
521
00:22:47,100 --> 00:22:49,270
That he'd already
previously fallen into?
522
00:22:49,302 --> 00:22:52,142
"I'm tired of getting these
tires fixed."
523
00:22:52,172 --> 00:22:53,442
The dude on the bike is, like,
524
00:22:53,473 --> 00:22:54,913
trying to talk some
sense into him.
525
00:22:54,941 --> 00:22:57,441
He's like, "What are you doing?
What do you need this for?"
526
00:22:57,477 --> 00:22:58,577
"Look at you, Jeff.
527
00:22:58,611 --> 00:23:00,056
You've got a manhole
cover on your shoulder.
528
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:01,280
Man, what happened to you?"
529
00:23:01,314 --> 00:23:04,554
- Maybe the guy lives down there.
530
00:23:04,584 --> 00:23:06,031
Alright, so now
check out this woman
531
00:23:06,055 --> 00:23:08,092
who almost had a great excuse
532
00:23:08,121 --> 00:23:10,621
for not having her
work done the next day.
533
00:23:18,331 --> 00:23:20,831
She's holding on to the charger?
534
00:23:20,867 --> 00:23:22,237
What kind of laptop is that?
535
00:23:22,268 --> 00:23:23,938
Yeah, that can't be an iPad.
536
00:23:23,970 --> 00:23:26,170
Those chargers fall
out if you sneeze.
537
00:23:26,206 --> 00:23:28,306
Oh, they're fighting this
off with chairs and shit.
538
00:23:28,341 --> 00:23:30,941
- Yeah, yeah.
539
00:23:30,977 --> 00:23:33,507
Look, have you ever seen
someone tame a lion?
540
00:23:33,546 --> 00:23:35,157
The chair is where it's
at, I'm telling you.
541
00:23:35,181 --> 00:23:36,551
I want to go back,
542
00:23:36,583 --> 00:23:39,066
because I want to pay attention
to the bartender first,
543
00:23:39,090 --> 00:23:41,755
'cause he was very
uninterested in the beginning.
544
00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:45,590
Let's watch the
bartender. Look at cuz.
545
00:23:45,625 --> 00:23:47,555
"I'm gonna clean this
shit up real quick.
546
00:23:47,594 --> 00:23:50,834
I'm gonna make me a drink.
Oh, he stole your laptop?"
547
00:23:50,864 --> 00:23:52,474
- "Oh, he did? Oh, shit."
548
00:23:52,499 --> 00:23:55,269
You gonna get it
back?"
549
00:23:55,301 --> 00:23:56,841
"Shit. You got this shit.
550
00:23:56,870 --> 00:24:00,210
- Hey, man, give the shit back."
- "You stop it. You stop."
551
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,780
He's still very uninterested
through this entire ordeal.
552
00:24:02,809 --> 00:24:03,939
Look how he looking.
553
00:24:04,044 --> 00:24:05,854
"Hey, man, are you
saying she's back?
554
00:24:05,879 --> 00:24:07,024
- "Come on, man."
- You know what?
555
00:24:07,048 --> 00:24:08,491
'Cause he the one who
called him and say,
556
00:24:08,515 --> 00:24:10,675
"Hey, somebody here
with a laptop."
557
00:24:10,717 --> 00:24:13,647
Those people who go into
Starbucks with a laptop
558
00:24:13,687 --> 00:24:15,817
are the fucking worst,
and they deserve this.
559
00:24:15,855 --> 00:24:17,355
- What?
560
00:24:17,390 --> 00:24:18,668
That's what happens
when you overstay?
561
00:24:18,692 --> 00:24:21,332
Oh, my God, these people
who sit there like,
562
00:24:21,361 --> 00:24:23,531
"I'm important, and I'm
writing me a script,"
563
00:24:23,563 --> 00:24:26,703
do it at fucking
home!
564
00:24:26,733 --> 00:24:30,443
This is definitely in Amsterdam
or Norway or some shit,
565
00:24:30,470 --> 00:24:32,710
those little-ass tables
and the baby benches.
566
00:24:32,739 --> 00:24:35,079
- Alright, I got to say,
567
00:24:35,108 --> 00:24:37,078
this restaurant's
food must be shit,
568
00:24:37,110 --> 00:24:40,610
because it's 7:41, and
there's no one in there.
569
00:24:43,149 --> 00:24:45,119
We've got to take a break,
but we'll be right back
570
00:24:45,151 --> 00:24:47,391
with more foolishness
and criminality.
571
00:24:47,420 --> 00:24:49,260
Don't go nowhere.
572
00:24:58,665 --> 00:25:00,009
Welcome back.
573
00:25:00,033 --> 00:25:02,543
Let's dig into some mentality
of some more criminality.
574
00:25:02,569 --> 00:25:04,015
Tacarra, where you at?
575
00:25:04,039 --> 00:25:06,107
Alright, here's some
people who found out
576
00:25:06,139 --> 00:25:08,809
what goes around
comes back around.
577
00:25:08,842 --> 00:25:11,582
This is "Instant Karma."
578
00:25:13,713 --> 00:25:16,453
Now, this is a delivery
guy about to take off.
579
00:25:16,483 --> 00:25:19,153
This dude rolls up
and pulls out a knife.
580
00:25:20,854 --> 00:25:23,324
Motorcycle, bicycle.
581
00:25:23,356 --> 00:25:24,767
"Hey, man, what's going
on? What's happening?
582
00:25:24,791 --> 00:25:25,931
Finna pull it out,
583
00:25:25,959 --> 00:25:28,359
and I'm finna make you
give me your shit."
584
00:25:28,395 --> 00:25:29,695
He's taking a long time.
585
00:25:29,729 --> 00:25:32,429
"If I can just get it out
of these tight-ass pants."
586
00:25:32,465 --> 00:25:34,165
Oh!
587
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,700
- That's my kind of hero.
588
00:25:36,736 --> 00:25:39,206
We need to get that
motherfucker on the show.
589
00:25:39,239 --> 00:25:40,669
Whoever just hit
the... in the car,
590
00:25:40,707 --> 00:25:41,707
I want him on the show.
591
00:25:41,741 --> 00:25:43,511
Let's replay this again.
592
00:25:43,543 --> 00:25:46,683
So, that was a delivery
guy coming to deliver food,
593
00:25:46,713 --> 00:25:51,283
and the guy was
coming up to rob him.
594
00:25:51,317 --> 00:25:53,917
You never bring a knife
or a gun to a car fight.
595
00:25:54,020 --> 00:25:56,490
- Yeah.
596
00:25:56,523 --> 00:25:58,733
- You're not gonna win.
597
00:25:58,758 --> 00:26:02,328
He took a long time
to get the knife out.
598
00:26:02,362 --> 00:26:04,362
I agree. It took a long
time to get the knife out.
599
00:26:04,397 --> 00:26:07,827
And that guy is on a bike, and
you're on a motored vehicle.
600
00:26:07,867 --> 00:26:10,437
Like, I would have been taken
off by that time, right?
601
00:26:10,470 --> 00:26:12,570
But the motorcycle
was unscathed.
602
00:26:14,307 --> 00:26:16,537
See how that motherfucker
just moved right on time?
603
00:26:16,576 --> 00:26:18,653
Let's see it one more time.
I want to see his whiplash.
604
00:26:22,649 --> 00:26:24,579
- Oh.
- I like this part.
605
00:26:24,617 --> 00:26:26,547
- But for me...
606
00:26:26,586 --> 00:26:28,186
now you're facing charges.
607
00:26:28,221 --> 00:26:29,861
- Not really.
- No?
608
00:26:29,889 --> 00:26:32,629
- I'm the fuck out of there.
609
00:26:32,659 --> 00:26:33,959
"It was a black vehicle."
610
00:26:34,060 --> 00:26:35,271
"What was the license?"
"I didn't see.
611
00:26:35,295 --> 00:26:36,255
I just seen the... on
the front, laying back."
612
00:26:37,797 --> 00:26:40,167
And he's not gonna say nothing
'cause you saved him, so okay.
613
00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:42,240
- Thank you.
- Alright.
614
00:26:42,268 --> 00:26:44,968
So, if you see this next
kid come out of an elevator,
615
00:26:45,071 --> 00:26:47,641
turn your ass around
and take the stairs.
616
00:26:52,012 --> 00:26:54,882
- Oh, come on, pee-pee.
- He's peeing?
617
00:26:54,914 --> 00:26:58,754
- Look at pee-pee.
- Oh, look at old pee-pee.
618
00:26:58,785 --> 00:27:00,615
Eh, when you got to
go, you got to go.
619
00:27:00,653 --> 00:27:02,064
- But on the buttons?
- He's just gonna hit every floor.
620
00:27:02,088 --> 00:27:05,001
"Let me get the top floor,
too. I'm gonna get the suites."
621
00:27:05,025 --> 00:27:06,369
"Let me get that
fire-alarm button."
622
00:27:06,393 --> 00:27:10,006
- Why is he peeing so much?
- Like, it's just a lot of pee.
623
00:27:10,030 --> 00:27:12,008
You've got to understand,
this is a rite of passage.
624
00:27:12,032 --> 00:27:13,009
We've all done this before.
625
00:27:13,033 --> 00:27:14,276
Now he's got to
touch his own pee.
626
00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:16,400
You see that?
627
00:27:16,436 --> 00:27:18,014
He had to touch his own pee.
628
00:27:18,038 --> 00:27:19,368
Yeah, you can
touch your own pee.
629
00:27:19,406 --> 00:27:21,066
It's other people's
pee that bothers you.
630
00:27:22,242 --> 00:27:23,212
He didn't put enough
thought into this.
631
00:27:23,243 --> 00:27:24,243
That's the problem.
632
00:27:24,277 --> 00:27:25,907
Oh, he short-circuited
this thing
633
00:27:25,945 --> 00:27:28,915
and it doesn't work now, and
he's stuck inside the lift!
634
00:27:31,217 --> 00:27:33,517
Oh, that's where the
karma bit came in.
635
00:27:33,553 --> 00:27:35,163
I understand this segment now.
636
00:27:35,188 --> 00:27:36,958
- Oh, okay.
637
00:27:37,057 --> 00:27:38,727
So he got stuck in there.
638
00:27:38,758 --> 00:27:41,288
Yes. He short-circuited
the electrical system
639
00:27:41,328 --> 00:27:42,558
when he peed on it,
640
00:27:42,595 --> 00:27:44,525
and now he got to touch
his own pee to get out,
641
00:27:44,564 --> 00:27:46,234
and he's stuck in the elevator.
642
00:27:46,266 --> 00:27:48,896
And with a Chinese movie
that's coming out next week.
643
00:27:50,704 --> 00:27:52,444
Little dumb-ass.
644
00:27:52,472 --> 00:27:55,612
- I think they're in China.
- There they just call it a movie.
645
00:27:55,642 --> 00:27:57,882
Yeah. He's gonna miss the
motherfucking premiere.
646
00:27:57,911 --> 00:27:59,681
Did you see his little
panic move, though?
647
00:27:59,713 --> 00:28:01,383
He said, "Oh!"
648
00:28:01,414 --> 00:28:02,784
When they come and catch him,
649
00:28:02,816 --> 00:28:05,116
you know when you're a
kid and you make up a lie,
650
00:28:05,151 --> 00:28:08,721
you'll be like, "A guy ran in
here and he pissed on the thing",
651
00:28:08,755 --> 00:28:10,415
and I tried to stop him,
652
00:28:10,457 --> 00:28:12,187
but then he left,
and the door shut,
653
00:28:12,225 --> 00:28:14,755
and then I got locked
in."
654
00:28:14,794 --> 00:28:16,034
Alright, so, next up,
655
00:28:16,062 --> 00:28:18,932
here is a dude who wanted
to torch a barbershop,
656
00:28:19,032 --> 00:28:20,632
but karma had other plans.
657
00:28:31,378 --> 00:28:34,348
There you go. There you go.
658
00:28:34,381 --> 00:28:36,321
- You got to stop and roll.
659
00:28:39,386 --> 00:28:40,963
He had to kick his
motherfucking shoe off
660
00:28:41,054 --> 00:28:42,524
'cause that
motherfucker was hot.
661
00:28:42,555 --> 00:28:43,855
That's what I always think.
662
00:28:43,890 --> 00:28:48,800
Whenever I see someone
that's just wearing one shoe,
663
00:28:48,828 --> 00:28:51,668
I always think, "They've
probably got a good story."
664
00:28:52,899 --> 00:28:54,644
I just want to point out
when this guy is in jail,
665
00:28:54,668 --> 00:28:55,998
and they're like, "Hey, hey.
666
00:28:56,036 --> 00:28:58,166
You know, I'm tough, man.
I'm tough, I'm tough."
667
00:28:58,204 --> 00:28:59,674
Then they show them
that video, "Aah!"
668
00:29:01,041 --> 00:29:03,481
This you on the TV?
669
00:29:03,510 --> 00:29:04,680
Can we go back to the cut?
670
00:29:04,711 --> 00:29:07,451
Why has he got both
car doors open?
671
00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:10,880
That makes for a bad
getaway.
672
00:29:10,917 --> 00:29:12,387
This is a dumb-ass criminal.
673
00:29:12,419 --> 00:29:15,559
First of all, you pull your car
up to the scene of the crime.
674
00:29:15,588 --> 00:29:17,358
You jump out and commit arson,
675
00:29:17,390 --> 00:29:20,260
and then you commit arson
on your dumb-ass self.
676
00:29:20,293 --> 00:29:22,733
Then stayed on the camera
and ran around the back.
677
00:29:22,762 --> 00:29:24,032
He ran into every camera.
678
00:29:24,064 --> 00:29:25,334
- Yes.
- He ran to every camera.
679
00:29:25,365 --> 00:29:26,825
He's like, "I need
to make sure."
680
00:29:26,866 --> 00:29:28,666
It's like that screen
test on your iPhone.
681
00:29:28,702 --> 00:29:30,542
- You want to get the full face.
682
00:29:30,570 --> 00:29:34,040
- Aah!
683
00:29:34,074 --> 00:29:35,644
That's it for the show.
684
00:29:35,675 --> 00:29:37,135
I'd like to thank my guests,
685
00:29:37,177 --> 00:29:39,047
the one and only from
the land Down Under,
686
00:29:39,079 --> 00:29:41,379
Jim Jefferies in the
motherfucking house.
687
00:29:41,414 --> 00:29:44,154
And to his left, the
exceptional writer, actor,
688
00:29:44,184 --> 00:29:47,454
director/friend of
mine, Diallo Riddle,
689
00:29:47,487 --> 00:29:50,387
and my magnificent
clip stress, Tacarra.
690
00:29:50,423 --> 00:29:52,833
Stay safe, stay out the way,
691
00:29:52,859 --> 00:29:54,167
and keep them
cameras away from you
692
00:29:54,194 --> 00:29:55,404
if you plan on
doing some crimes,
693
00:29:55,428 --> 00:29:57,528
or your dumb ass is
gonna be on my show.
694
00:29:57,564 --> 00:29:58,534
Peace.
53045