All language subtitles for Happily Divorced s02e16 A Star is Reborn.eng

Happily Divorced is shot
before a live audience.

And based on my real life.

- Here you go, miss Fran.
- Oh!

25 copies.

Wow! How did you get this
so fast from the newsstand?

What newsstand?

There was one
in everyone's driveway.

I can't believe I made
the California living section.

Oh, wow.

Ooh, here it is!
Here it is!

"Flower power."
That's a great headline.

Look at that beautiful picture
they have of me.

Uh, yeah, no.

- That's not you, baby.
- What?

- Mmm.
- Who the hell is that bitch?

Look, it says here she owns
the hottest flower shop in L.A.

"Cutting hedge."

Cutting hedge.

That's clever...

But stupid.

What is she, like, 22?

Her parents
must've bought her the shop.

- Well, didn't your parents...
- Shut up.

Oh, look, look, look, look!
Here you go.

"If your tastes
lean more traditional,

you might wanna try
'fantastic flowers!"

that's not so bad!

It's Fran tastic flowers,
Judi!

They didn't even
get the name right.

Thank God!
With a review like that.

Look, there's more.

"The great thing about
this quaint, little flower shop

is there's never a wait."

Oy vey!
When did I become so unhip?

Somewhere between
the "oy" and the "vey."

Oh, I just feel
so irrelevant,

and I slept with Peter
for 18 years.

Oh, my God, how much weight
have you lost?

You're disappearing
right before my eyes.

What do you want
from me, Peter?

Look, I have a third showing
on a $2 million house,

but I'm supposed to work
for Joan today.

You've gotta call her.

Tell her
I have walking pneumonia.

Well, wait,
I've got a better idea.

Why don't I fill in for you?

I've had a terrible morning.

It would be great
for me to get outta here.

You're gonna fill in

as Joan Collins'
personal assistant.

Well, let me think about...
No.

Come on.
I'm depressed!

I wanna spend the day
with a celebrity.

It'll be
a win-win situation.

You need me,
I need you.

Oh, just say yes now, Peter.

It saves time.

Yes.

Oh, great!

I'm gonna spend the day
with Joan in Beverly hills.

We'll go shop.

We'll go have lunch
at Mr. chow's.

Oh, have I been craving

those glazed prawns
with the walnuts, Judi!

Those glazed prawns
are better than sex!

Peter, can Joan pick us up
at... what do you think?

11:00's good?

11:00 is good for me
because after the...

Okay, okay, look.

You're not grasping
the whole assistant concept.

Oh?

All those fun things
you mentioned?

Joan Collins
will be doing.

You will be in the bowels
of a parking structure

trying to get a signal
on your cell phone.

Well, what kind of fun
is that for me?

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Look, Fran.

Okay! Trust me.

Go sell a house.

Go on.
Have a good day.

Don't start throwing
her name around to get stuff.

Like what?

Like free pies
at Marie callender's.

♪ She was certain
that he was her one and only ♪

♪ But their union
always seemed a little forced ♪

♪ She got married anyway ♪

♪ Turns out
that he was gay ♪

♪ They're still in love,
but now she's happily divorced ♪

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/

Well,
this is the James Bond car.

God, it rides like a dream!

I've never driven
an Aston Kutcher before.

I have.

Oh, did you make
that reservation

for lunch
at the Ivy?

Oh, no, I forgot!
That's what it was.

You know, as soon
as we get on the set,

I'll call...
Eh, why don't you just do it.

I'm only gonna
forget again anyway.

Your phone is ringing.

Oh, but do you mind
just holding it up for me?

I've got a drink.

Yello?

Darling, daddy and I
are at Costco.

You wanna split a gallon
of Russian dressing?

Oh, all right.
Yeah, Peter loves that.

Do you want them
to pick you up anything

while they're there, doll?

Yes, a Xanax
and a decent assistant.

Don't call me, ma.
I'm working.

It's very unprofessional.

- You done?
- Yes, thank you, miss Collins.

You're welcome.

Hey! You know,
I hear that they shot

Gilligan's island
on this lot.

Maybe after you're done,
we'll jump on the tram tour.

I'd rather stick a fork
in my eye.

All right, I just thought
it would be interesting.

Just a little piece
of television history,

that's all I'm saying.

Hi, I have Joan Collins here.

Okay, can I see an I.D.?

Hello!
It's Joan Collins!

I...

Dynasty.

Oh, come on. What?
Were you born under a rock?

No, I was born
in the '90s.

For heaven's sakes,
here, here.

Oh, Joan,
I feel your pain.

I was yesterday's news
just this morning.

- Park in the structure.
- Thank you!

Here you go.

Oh, last year, I'm on the cover
of the Llarchmont chronicle.

This year, five lousy lines
in the living section.

I'll tell you, it hurts.

- When you're used to being...
- Drive!

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Here you go,
miss Collins.

English breakfast,
a spot of milk,

honey, no sugar,
and cookies on the side.

Darling,
I asked for one cookie.

Eh, you'll eat what you want.
We'll take home the rest.

Uh, kids. Hi!

You know, I parked
in someone else's spot.

Are you old enough
to drive?

I'm the producer.

What do you drive,
a big wheel?

That's not funny.

Miss Collins,
Rob Lowenstein.

So thrilled
to have you on board.

Let me know if there's anything
I can do for you.

Well, maybe we can discuss it
over cocktails later?

- Oh.
- Oh, no, miss Collins.

You have that photo shoot
for AARP.

That you remember.

Uh, here's
miss Collins' scene,

and they would like
to see you in wardrobe.

Well, usually,
men like to see me out of it.

Uh, Joan, have they given you
a call time for tomorrow?

5 A.M. sharp!

5 A.M.?

I gotta go from Hancock park
to Beverly hills

and then schlep over
to studio city?

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Tomorrow,
it'll be Peter's problem.

Never mind.
Carry on.

Oh, wait a minute.

Uh, Lowenstein,
come back here a minute.

There must be some mistake.

There's seven lines here.

Mm, yeah, you're right.

These two were cut.

Five lines
for Joan Collins?

- Is that a problem?
- Uh, yeah, there's a problem!

She's a huge star.

She's coming here expecting
a big part in a series,

and you're throwing her
a couple of lousy lines?

Do you know how that's
gonna make her feel?

Employed?

Look, you're just gonna have
to beef this up for her.

You gotta give her
a couple of costume changes.

You know, she passed on
Hot in Cleveland to do this.

Oh.

Okay, well,
uh, all good stuff,

and I would love to talk,
I would,

but I've got this thing
to take care of.

Well, Rob, look,
it's been an absolute pleasure.

I just want what's right
for our project.

- Oh, we both do.
- Mm-hmm.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

What do you think of me
casting Joan?

I-I think it was inspired.

I think she's gonna be
a huge pain in the ass.

Yeah, that's what...
I was worried about that also.

Mm.

I'm gonna tell casting
to replace her.

You tell Joan.

Oh, hey, Petey.

- Did you sell the house?
- Nupe.

Oh, well,
maybe next time.

I had a very productive day
with Joan.

Didja?

You'll hear
all about it tomorrow.

Oh, I won't be seeing her
tomorrow.

Oh, really?
Did she give you the day off?

Hundreds of them.
She fired me.

Oh, my God!

Oh, Petey,
I was afraid of this.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to outshine you.

Well, I'm not
gonna take the job.

- I'll call her tomorrow...
- Stop talking!

They fired her,
so she fired me...

What?

And apparently,
after talking to you,

the producers felt her part
should be played by an unknown.

Not you!

Fran, you were
only there for three hours.

All you had to do
was drop her off at the studio

and pick up her stupid dog
at the dog groomer's.

Fran, I loved this job.
I was good at it.

And it gave me something
I don't get from real estate.

- What?
- An income!

I don't know, ma.

I thought I was doing
such a good job

filling in for Peter.

I was organized.
I was professional.

Oy, Joan's keys.

Yeah, well, she's fired.
Where's she going tomorrow?

Darling, no good deed
goes unpunished,

especially when you do it.

Hello, sunshine!

I was just thinking,
"where's my beautiful daughter?"

We don't see you enough.

I don't work for Joan
anymore, daddy.

You're never gonna get
to meet her.

Son of a bitch.
What did you do?

Do I really need
to relive this, daddy?

Sure, what do you care?

You don't lie
in bed at night

fantasizing about how she smells
like vanilla and gardenias.

Tonight, you're gonna be
sleeping on the couch

smelling scotchgard and ass.

Dori, mixing it up
is what keeps a marriage fresh.

Now who I am going
to fantasize about?

Hello!

Could I borrow
a few scouring pads?

My cleaning girl, Marisol,
ran out.

Marisol?

My girl
is working for you now?

Well, you fired her.

Why did you fire Marisol?

That woman
would talk my ear off.

She'd come and sit
right where you're sitting

and tell me
all her problems.

That would drive me nuts.

Dori, did you ever
provide her with lunch?

Of course I did.

Oh.

Well, I got a little Chinese
left from sunday.

Wait.
No, I don't.

Marilyn, where are you going
with my sandwich?

Well, I gotta
give the girl something

since your wife started
with the perks.

Oh, ma, how am I gonna
get Peter to forgive me?

I mean, I know the way
I used to do it,

but now he'd just
look down at me

and say
I need my roots dyed.

Franny, shh.

I'm trying to think of a way
to get Marisol back.

I thought you hated her.
What do you want her back for?

Because Marilyn
took her away.

Oh, come on.
That can't be it.

Yeah, it is.

Oy, this goes back
to queens boulevard.

These two women are famous
for their stupid rivalry.

This one doesn't want anything
until the other one has it.

Oh, my God.

That's it!

Oh, thank you!
Thanks, you guys!

Love you!

What the hell was that about?
What did I say?

I don't know,
but remember it

for the next time
we wanna get rid of her.

Coming!

Miss Collins,
I just wanted to say

that I'm willing to...

- You stole my keys.
- No, I didn't.

I forgot to return them.
I'm not a thief.

I'm merely incompetent.

And I brought you
this beautiful arrangement

to show you how sorry I am
for what I did.

Yeah, well,
you should be sorry.

Well, let me just explain
why I did what I did.

I mean, my heart
was in the right place.

Yeah, it's your mouth
that keeps moving.

Look, I was just trying
to protect your feelings.

You're a big star,
miss Collins,

and I thought
that they were insulting you

with that small part.

Darling,
there are no small parts.

There are just small rentals

that you have to live in
if you don't get them.

Do you know that my agent
had to take

a three-hour lunch at Spaggo
to get my job back?

Yeah, you got
your job back?

Do you know how hard it is
for women of our age

to get jobs
in this town?

Oh, miss Collins, I know.

Our age?

Yes, I do.

There's a 22-year-old that
just opened up a flower shop

on Larchmont where the old
Koo Koo Roo used to be.

No. They closed
the old Koo Koo Roo?

Can you believe?

Nobody made creamed spinach
like they do...

I don't care.

Oh, miss Collins,

replace that scotch
with a Klondike bar,

and I'm there.

Trust me, it's not going
to take your problems away.

You're right,
'cause you're still here.

Well, you know,
I'm beginning to think

that Alexis wasn't
such a stretch for you.

- Get out!
- Fine.

I said my peace,
and now, I'm going.

I'm sorry that you and Peter
ended on a bad note.

However, he is not
holding any grudges.

Oh, good, and now
I can sleep nights.

My point is
that he used your name,

and thanks to you,
he got a job with Linda Evans.

That bitch
stole my Peter?

He's her Peter now.

Don't wanna see that.

Don't wanna see that.

- Don't wanna see that.
- Hey, Petey!

Don't wanna hear that.

All right, Peter,
let's talk.

Oh, miss Collins.
I'm so sorry.

If I had known you were coming,
I would've put on a pot

of your favorite tea...
And underwear.

Look, Peter, I know
you're working for Linda Evans.

I'm not working
for Linda Evans.

You think I was born
yesterday?

Shut up.

Fran's told me everything.

Yeah, about how
when Joan fired you,

Linda snatched you up?

I mean, uh, I'm not working
for Linda Evans yet.

I start monday.

Well, I don't want you
working for her.

What will it take
to get you back?

Oh, well,
uh, can I have a raise?

Nope.

- Can I have my birthday...
- No.

- Can I have my...
- No.

Well, we're pretty far apart.

There's no Linda Evans.
Take it.

I'll see you monday.

And by the way,
where's my dog?

Well, good night, Joan!

Miss Collins,
your English breakfast

with a drop of milk,
honey, not sugar,

and one cookie
on the side.

One cookie?
Oh, get the box.

I'll eat what I want,
and we'll take the rest home.

- Oh, hi, Petey.
- Hey, Fran.

What are you doing here?
How'd you get on the lot?

On the tram,
through Gilligan's island,

but, you know,
I got hungry.

It's like a three-hour tour.

It's my luck.

The one cast away
who gets off the island.

Oh, would you calm down?
I just wanna talk to Joan.

Why? What did you do
this time?

Nothing!

I just wanna thank her.

Remember that flower arrangement
that I gave her?

Well, her neighbor, Elton John,
saw them, loved them.

He told Madonna.
Madonna told Rosie.

Rosie's having
a major charity event

honoring... get this...
Kevin Bacon!

Who's hip and happening now?

Good for you!

Your phone must be ringing
off the hook.

- Oh, yeah!
- Go answer it!

Oh, Peter.

Don't forget I'm the one
that got you your job back.

You owe me a favor.

- Where's my Joanie?
- Oh, my God.

What the hell is this?

This is the favor.

Come on.
He's an old man.

It's his dream.

One picture,
Joan with my father...

- Darling.
- And ma...

Hello!

And Marilyn.

Joan, doll, these are
my parents, Glen and Dori.

Oh, hi.

When I saw you
on the big screen,

you knocked Angie Dickinson
right off my list.

Please.

Glen, the woman
has been with Warren Beatty

and Ryan O'Neal,
but go for it.

Take off your hernia belt
and show her what you got.

Marilyn Kappelmaster.

Enchante.
Hi.

You know,
when I was a brunette,

I often was mistaken
for you.

Oh!

It's like looking
in a mirror!

Yeah, in a fun house.

Could you sign a few
of these glossies

for my adopted daughter?

Sure, thank you.

What adopted daughter?

You remember,
little eBay.

- Let's take some pictures.
- No, no, no.

Uh, miss Collins is wanted
on the set.

Oh, no, no, no!
Peter, please.

These are my fans.

I love them.
Let's take some pictures.

Watch my purse.

- Would you mind?
- Sure.

Oh, Glen,
come on in.

Peter, come over here.

Embrace the fact
that you're stuck with them,

just as I am with you.

Oh, by the way,
I spoke to Linda Evans.

She said she's never heard
of you or Peter.

Look, I got you fired once.
I could do it again.

Now, smile.

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/

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