All language subtitles for cheers.s11e13.dvdrip.xvid-remax

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

This particular kind of granite

comes from Barre, Vermont.

Get out-
Barre? Yeah.

Yeah, you can take a tour

of their whole
operation up there.

Yeah?
Yeah, ask for a guy named Asa.

Yeah?
Yeah, you can tell him I sent you.

He'll, uh...
he'll do you right.

He'll set me up?
Oh, sure.

You see, it's got the, uh...

(both chuckling)

Excuse me, sir?

Hey, hey, yo.
Sir.

This man obviously
mistook the uniform

of the United States
Postal Service

for one of the common
valet there, Norm.

Now that you mention it, Cliff,

you know...
Mistake or not, though, the man

has entrusted a
valuable possession

to one who proudly
wears this uniform.

As long as that man is
in that restaurant,

I-I cannot shirk
the responsibility

he has laid upon
these shoulders.

What are you gonna do,
just hang here

for a couple hours
while the guy eats?

Norm, my friend,
this is a Jaguar.

Jaguar plus postman equals...

adventure.

Let's do it.
(laughing)

(engine starting)

(Norm and Cliff laughing)

(theme song begins)

♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like
to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪

♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪

Hey, Cliffie, what you doing?

I'm filling out an application

for the Boston Marathon.

It's, uh, something
I do every year.

Wait a minute, you run
in the Boston Marathon?

No, no, I just get
the free T-shirt.

It, uh, impresses the
girls down at the gym.

Ah.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
you-you work out in a gym?

Well, no, I just hang out

in front with
the T-shirt.

Oh.

FRASIER:
Hey, listen to this.

According to the TV Guide,

they're playing
an old Red Sox game

on Play Ball later.

What is Play Ball?

Well, it's, uh, this show
on channel 58.

They replay
classic Red Sox games.

Hey, say, listen, Sam?

This is one of your games.

Yeah, July 14, 1975,
relief pitcher, Sam Malone.

CLIFF:
Hey, Sammy, what do you say

we make an evening
out of it, huh?

Yeah, popcorn, pretzels, beer.

Gather around the old TV set.

All right, sounds like a
nice change of pace.

Yeah.

Yeah, what the hell?

That sounds like a nice idea.

Say, honey,

can you do me a favour?

Can you hand me the, uh,

baseball almanac under the bar?

Uh, I was drinking a lot
back in those days,

and there's something
about 1975 I don't remember.

What's that?

The summer part.

I-I-I don't want them
seeing a game

where I embarrass myself.

All right, here we go.

July... July 14, '75.

Red Sox versus the Orioles.

Red Sox won.

Oh, right.

I pitched three innings.

I must have been okay that day.

Good.
Yeah.

All right, fellas.

Yeah, let's have
a party here, huh? ALL:

Finally, you're gonna see
why Sammy's so famous.

Actually, uh,
we don't get the channel

that shows why Sammy's
so famous.

(all laughing)

(phone rings)

(groaning)

Cheers.

Oh, hi, Vera.

Uh, no, Vera, I'm sorry,
Norm's not here.

Can I take a...

It's an emergency?

All right, all right.

Whoa, you're not gonna
believe this, Vera,

but Norm just walked in.

(muffled):
Hello, everybody.

ALL:
Norm!

(muffled):
Why, hello, Mr. Peterson.

(mumbling)

(all laughing)

Hi, honey.

What's the problem?

What, an IRS audit?

No, it can't be this afternoon.

They've got to give you
at least three, four notices.

This is the fourth notice?

All right, all...

look, don't worry about it.

Don't... listen,

as long as you're
checking the mail,

uh, could you check
to see if the, uh,

Victoria's Secret catalogue
came in?

It did? Good, good.

Just... just hold onto it, okay?

And for God sakes,
don't order anything.

Hey, Norm, what are you doing?

Just getting prepared.

I'm gonna bury this
auditor in paperwork.

I got phony receipts.

I got a postdated diary.

I got fake mileage
logs, the works.

Why are you meeting
the auditor here?

Old trick, Rebecca: you meet
the enemy on your own turf.

Yeah, well, that's very smart
there, Normie, very smart.

Hey, let me give you
another hint.

Keep the authority figure
on your own eye level.

Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, it intimidates them.

Really?
Oh, yeah, sure.

You know, whenever
I get stopped by a policeman,

I get out of the car
and face him eye to eye.

Hey, you know,
that's good thinking, Clavin.

And you know,
another good thing to do

is reach into your vest pocket
real sudden like.

Give the cop a good start.

That way, he won't
push you around.

Ah, well, thank you
very much, Carla.

Just planting the seed.

Take a look at all this stuff.

Just take a look
at all this stuff.

When she sees this,
she's gonna crumble.

Did you say "she"?

Yeah.

What are you worried about?

What do you mean?

All you got to do is flirt
with her a little.

(chuckling)

Right, flirt- me?

Yeah.
Come on.

I haven't flirted with a
woman since I met Vera.

Actually, I think she killed
the part of me that flirts.

Come on, I mean, you can do it.

You compliment her a little.

You sweet-talk her.

Before you know it,
she's putty in your hands.

Yeah, right.

Would you flirt
with an IRS agent?

I do it with the tollbooth guy.

I'm looking for Norm Peterson.

And you are?

Dot Carroll, IRS.

Oh.

He's right over
there on the corner.

Ouch.

NORM:
Ah, Ms. Carroll,

I've been looking forward
to meeting you.

After all, I'm an
accountant myself.

And I should be interested
in that because...?

No reason.

No reason at all.

Is there someplace we can talk?

Yes, uh, the
office there, uh...

I think you'll find that
everything's in perfect order.

It better be.

I just spent two hours
with some horse's ass

who tried to play the old
fake receipts and diary on me.

Can you believe it?

Ouch.

Okay, fellas,
bring it on in here.

Put it over there

under the other
television, all right?

And plug it in for me.

What's with the big screen?

Oh, some channel is playing

one of Sam's baseball
triumphs tonight.

Here, see for yourself.

Uh-huh.

(Carla clears throat)

Sammy, can I talk
to you for a minute?

You betcha.

You know, about this game
that's on tonight...

Uh-huh.
Do you remember what happened?

Yeah, I won.
(chuckles)

Hey, Sam, this was in
your drinking days.

I mean, this is the
game where you thought

the Orioles' mascot was
a huge mutant bird.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, remember?
Oh...

Yeah, you threw a
fastball at him.

You hit him right
between the eyes

and gave him a concussion.

Well, what would you do

if you saw this gigantic bird
coming at you?

Would you just
let it attack you

and peck your eyes out?

Come on, it took you three
years to live it down.

I mean, you really
want these guys

seeing it all over again?

Shh... shh...

Sammy, all set
for the big game tonight, huh?

STEVE:
Hey, all right.

A big screen TV.

Hey, Sammy, we ordered
a bunch of pizzas.

Say, uh, fellas, hey, listen,

you-you-you don't
want to watch

that silly old game, do you?

Let's see what else
is on at 8:30.

Hey, here you go, look at this.

Magilla Gorilla, huh?

ALL:
Come on!

$500 to have your
nails wrapped?

Yeah.

Yeah, I have
a very low calcium count.

According to these receipts,

you had a lot of business
dinners with a C. Clavin.

Yeah, he's a, um,
very important business client.

I constantly have
to wine and dine the guy.

Well, I certainly hope
he enjoyed his three Whoppers.

I believe he did, yes.

Mr. Peterson, about
this work diary

from 1989...
Yeah.

I'd be willing to bet
that if I took this

to my office for an analysis,
they would discover

that the ink is not more
than 30 minutes old.

So what, you're
gonna try to penalize me

for copying it over
for neatness?

Mr. Peterson...
Yeah?

As an accountant, I'm sure
you're aware that the penalty

for defrauding the United States
government is imprisonment.

This conversation
just took a left turn.

Fake receipts, phony diary.

Mr. Peterson,
you are in very big trouble.

I can't believe I'm hearing this

from someone... as...

doggone it, as...

as, uh, as lovely as yourself.

What the hell
is that supposed to mean?

Come on, just...
take a look at you.

You've got the...
sculpted cheekbones,

those smouldering eyes,

a voice any man
could get lost in.

You're not giving yourself

enough credit, Miss Carroll.

I mean, surely
I'm not the first man

who's ever said
these things to you.

I think I know what's
going on here, Mr. Peterson.

What?

I wasn't born yesterday.

I know when someone's
making a pass at me.

And let me
tell you this, buster,

you're coming on to an official

of the United
States government,

an auditor for
the Internal Revenue Service.

This meeting is over...

stud!

We'll continue this audit
in my hotel room.

Ritz Carlton, room 147.

Meet me there tonight.

And P.S.,

I play rough.

I tell you, as far
as I'm concerned,

you got it made in the shade
with this IRS chick.

Hey, not only do you
get out of jail free,

but, uh, you get
a little action on the side.

High five!

Nobody. Okay.

NORM:
Well, Miss Ann Landers,

are you happy?

I took your advice-
I flirted with the woman.

Now she wants to sleep with me.

What do you suggest now?

I suggest you keep
the lights off.

Thank you.

Well, I say,
sauce for the goose.

At last a male
is being sexually harassed.

Let this be a lesson to us.

I mean, how many of us have,
in our lives, in some small way,

depersonalised a member
of the opposite sex?

Whoa, mangos-
two for a buck!

You see?
That's exactly the kind

of boorish behaviour
I'm talking about!

Hey, Sam,
how's it going back there?

Uh, fine.

All I got to do is
undo these two wires,

and the fellows will
never see the game.

(electrical crackling)

(grunts)

Sam, are you okay?

I just remembered.

I fought in the Civil War.

Hey, you know, I think
you busted the TV.

Wow!

What happened?

Oh! Yeah, uh, I'm
sorry, fellas.

I was, uh, I was, you know,
trying to make the colour

just right on the TV
for the big game,

and, uh, something blew.

Ah, Sammy.
(men grumbling)

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, guys.

But, hey, don't worry about it.

They're-They're bound
to show it again.

It was a hell of a game.

I was pretty good
in it, too, fellas.

Don't worry, Sammy.

We'll watch it on
the regular TV.

(cheering)
No, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Tim, actually, put that down,
put that down.

Uh, forgot to tell you, fellas,

that, uh, I was working
on that TV earlier,

trying to get the colour
just right for the game,

and, uh, damnedest thing,
it-it blew.

It blew as well as
the big screen there.

Uh, I guess we're just not meant
to see this game, huh, fellas?

It's okay, Sammy.

We can, uh, see it
on my little Watchman.

Where did that thing
come from, Paul?

I take it with me everywhere.

You know, you can, uh,
run it on batteries,

or I plug it in the, uh,
cigarette lighter in my car.

Paul, you watch TV in the car?

I don't like to miss my stories.

Can I see that?

Oh!

(chuckles):
Look at that.

I'll be damned.
That's a beauty.

I guess you just...

Oh.

Hey.

I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry.

Uh, Paul, I'll-I'll replace it.

It's $300.

No, I meant the beer, Paul.

Sam, Sam, your
behaviour leads me

to one of two conclusions:

A) You're trying to keep
us from seeing that game;

Or B) You've just suffered a
small cerebrovascular accident.

What the hell is
going on here, Sam?

All right, I'll...

I'm sorry, fellas.

It's just...

I don't want you
to see the game.

I made a real idiot
out of myself.

I was, I was drunk that night
when I was pitching,

and, well, I kind of got mad

at the Oriole mascot and...

well, I skulled him.

Sammy, now, are-are you
talking about

that-that big stupid bird

that used to dance around
on top of the dugout?

A-Actually, Alan,
it turns out

that's a man
in a bird's costume.

See, I just, uh...

well, I-I'm real
embarrassed about it,

and it'd mean a lot to me if
you guys didn't watch the game.

I-I-I don't want to be
remembered like that.

We understand, Sam.

Yeah, Sammy, all you had to do
was say something.

It's okay, Sam, really.

Ah, hey, thanks a lot, guys.

That-That means a lot to me.

Thank you.

Uh, Carla, give these guys
a drink on the house.

Thanks a lot, fellas.

(chuckling, chattering)
Thanks, Sammy!

Thanks a lot.
That's great.

Looky here.

Hey, Paul, you got
two of those?

Yeah, I always keep one charged.

(chuckling,
ball game playing over TV)

(dryer blowing air)

(dryer stops)

So, Norm, decide what
you're gonna do?

I know one thing's for sure.

I can't just sleep
with some woman

so she'll go easier
on my tax audit.

You know, uh, Norm,

I've known you for a long time,
and I consider you a friend.

Yeah.

And I, uh, just want you to know
that I got connections.

Might be able to make it
a little easier for you.

You mean people in the IRS?

No, prison.

Right.

Thanks a lot.

Of course, if I tell this woman

that I'm not really
that attracted to her,

she'll get so angry, I
will wind up in prison.

Well, relax, Norm.

I've been brainstorming,
and I've come up with a plan.

Yeah?
Yeah.

I'm desperate;
I'll try anything.

Come on.

All right, tell you what,
here's the plan.

Uh-huh.
I go to the hotel in your place, right?

I reach in,
flick off the lights,

say "Room service
for Dot Carroll."

In the meantime, I've got
a big bag full of wild squirrels

with sparklers
attached to their tails.

I drop them in the room.

They run around terrified,

setting off the alarms
and the sprinklers.

Okay? In the ensuing hubbub,

she forgets all about
her little date with you.

Trust me.

You think a cold shower's
a mood killer?

Try a bag of wild squirrels.

Thanks, Cliff, but, uh, you
don't have to go to the trouble.

That's all right;
I already got the squirrels.

Thank you, but no.

Okay, okay.

Hey, Norm, I got an idea.

What?

Why don't I just pick up
the phone and call Vera

and tell her what's going on?

Now, listen.

She'll run over
to the Ritz Carlton

and burst into the room
before anything can happen.

This way, Dot can't get angry at
you, and you'll be off the hook.

Yeah, yeah.

Then Dot tells Vera
how I came on to her.

Either way, I spend the next
ten years sleeping on a cot.

Well, Norm, you could get,
uh, someone to impersonate Vera.

Well, thanks, Fras, but I doubt

that Ed Asner has time to
hop on a plane to Boston.

Well, I was thinking more

along the lines of,
uh, a friend in the bar.

(scoffs):
Oh.

NORM:
Come on, Carla.

This was your idea
in the first place. Oh, no.

What do you say you
help me out? Come on.

Oh, and why should I?

You haven't left me a tip
in 15 years.

Frankly, I never felt
the service was all that great.

Come on, are you gonna
help me or aren't you?

Forget about it!

All right, fine.

Fine. I'm
on my own.

I'll just go over to the hotel
and throw myself at her mercy.

I'll plead with the woman.

I'll beg her.

I'll say how wrong it is
for her to force me to do this.

What the hell, it worked for me
on my wedding night.

I'll make this short and sweet.

When I say "go,"
you tear off my clothes,

and you can't use your hands.

Well, hell, come on in.

Enough foreplay.

Let's be sheet meat.

Did I tell you
that I was married?

(scoffs) Congratulations.

Let's celebrate
with a roll in the hay.

Listen, there were
some things I said to you

this afternoon
that I-I really...

Don't worry.

I'll be gentle.

Drop trou on three.

One, two...
(knocking on door)

Who the hell's that?

I'll get it,
I'll get it, I'll get it.

CARLA:
It's me, Vera, your wife!

What are you doing
in there, Norm?!

You better not have
a woman in there!

NORM:
Honey, honey.

(gasps)

Vera, now, now, now, calm down.

Calm down, honey, calm down.

Dot, I am so sorry.

How could you?!

I couldn't help myself.

How could you?

Let me put your mind at rest,
Mrs. Peterson.

Nothing happened.

Oh, thank God.

Well, I guess that's it.

We'd better go.
Yeah.

Hey!

Aren't you a waitress
at that bar?

What?

I don't believe for a second

that you two are man and wife.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I'm Vera Peterson, Norm's wife.

Okay, if you two
are so happily married,

let's see a big,
open-mouthed, sloppy kiss.

Right now.

We don't have to do that.

That's right.

That's for the privacy
of our boudoir.

If I don't see some evidence
of your happy marriage,

I'm gonna go through your
receipts with a fine-tooth comb.

Honey?

I'm sorry, Norm.
You're gonna fry.

Okay, Peterson, what's going on?

All right, Dot.

All right, I'm gonna
be honest with you.

That wasn't my wife.

My wife is probably home in bed.

The truth is, Dot,
I'm not a very good husband.

(sighs)

I hardly spend
any time at all with Vera.

We never talk.

I don't know her birthday.

I don't know
when our anniversary is.

But I don't cheat on her.

Now, that may not
sound like much to you,

but to me,
it's the difference between

being a bad husband
and being a bad person.

So, go ahead, d-do your worst.

Throw the book at me.

I should've known.

I scared you away, didn't I?

I'm always scaring men away.

What is it about me?!

Don't just stand there, tell me!
Uh...

(sighs)
You could lighten up a bit.

I mean, you do
come on sort of strong.

And while we're at it,

you could cut back
to three or four packs a day.

I do it to stay thin.

Want one?

All right,
this isn't about me, okay?

Oh, I guess I'm just
not used to somebody

saying nice things to me.

Well, I could start right now.

All right?

(sighs)

I believe that underneath
that gruff exterior,

you're probably a very
nice, warm, caring person.

Okay? And I say
that knowing that

you're probably gonna
throw me in jail.

(scoffs)

You're not going to jail, Norm.

I wouldn't throw a decent man
like you in jail.

Thank you, Dot.

Better head back
to, uh, Cheers.

Um, you want to stay here
and talk a while?

I probably shouldn't.

Got a minibar.

Well, if you need a friend.

That'd be nice,
just you and me, talking.

Room service for Dot Carroll.
(squirrels chittering)