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1
00:00:01,283 --> 00:00:04,085
Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,086 --> 00:00:06,003
What do you want to
do tonight, Cliff?
3
00:00:06,004 --> 00:00:07,054
Eh, I don't know.
4
00:00:07,106 --> 00:00:08,606
What do you want to do?
5
00:00:08,674 --> 00:00:09,908
I don't know.
6
00:00:09,909 --> 00:00:10,825
You guys!
7
00:00:10,826 --> 00:00:13,161
You do this
all day long for hours.
8
00:00:13,163 --> 00:00:14,746
Face it, Rebecca, we're bored.
9
00:00:14,813 --> 00:00:17,382
Nothing ever happens
around here.
10
00:00:17,500 --> 00:00:20,168
(steady beeping, Rebecca gasps)
11
00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:22,037
Oh, my God!
12
00:00:22,121 --> 00:00:23,738
Hey, it's Andy Andy.
13
00:00:23,739 --> 00:00:25,006
What, you know this person?
14
00:00:25,007 --> 00:00:26,608
Yeah. Former major felon.
15
00:00:26,676 --> 00:00:28,309
Once killed a waitress.
16
00:00:28,310 --> 00:00:30,312
(beeping continues)
Where's Diane?
17
00:00:30,313 --> 00:00:32,246
I demand to see Diane!
18
00:00:32,315 --> 00:00:34,365
Well, Miss Chambers
hasn't worked here
19
00:00:34,417 --> 00:00:35,750
in five or six years.
20
00:00:35,768 --> 00:00:37,935
Oh, really?
21
00:00:38,003 --> 00:00:39,604
Well...
22
00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:41,273
okay.
23
00:00:45,695 --> 00:00:47,946
So, what do you want to do?
24
00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:52,283
(theme song begins)
25
00:00:56,255 --> 00:00:58,606
♪ Making your way
in the world today ♪
26
00:00:58,674 --> 00:01:01,626
♪ Takes everything you've got ♪
27
00:01:01,694 --> 00:01:04,529
♪ Taking a break
from all your worries ♪
28
00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:07,899
♪ Sure would help a lot ♪
29
00:01:07,966 --> 00:01:10,835
♪ Wouldn't you like
to get away? ♪
30
00:01:13,139 --> 00:01:15,706
♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪
31
00:01:15,774 --> 00:01:19,027
♪ Where everybody
knows your name ♪
32
00:01:21,297 --> 00:01:23,999
♪ And they're always
glad you came ♪
33
00:01:25,868 --> 00:01:28,236
♪ You wanna be
where you can see ♪
34
00:01:28,304 --> 00:01:30,805
♪ Our troubles
are all the same ♪
35
00:01:30,873 --> 00:01:34,309
♪ You wanna be where
everybody knows your name ♪
36
00:01:36,212 --> 00:01:38,530
♪ You wanna go
where people know ♪
37
00:01:38,597 --> 00:01:41,249
♪ People are all the same ♪
38
00:01:41,317 --> 00:01:45,353
♪ You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. ♪
39
00:02:04,257 --> 00:02:08,443
Well, well, well, so Maggie
O'Keefe is back in town, huh?
40
00:02:08,511 --> 00:02:11,613
Couldn't get enough of
the Old Clavin monster, I guess.
41
00:02:11,714 --> 00:02:13,848
Who's-who's Maggie O'Keefe?
42
00:02:13,916 --> 00:02:15,684
That's Cliff's old girlfriend.
43
00:02:15,751 --> 00:02:17,385
I'm sorry, Cliff's what?
44
00:02:20,022 --> 00:02:22,623
Oh, no, no, no, I've been
thinking about you, too.
45
00:02:22,691 --> 00:02:24,125
What?
46
00:02:24,193 --> 00:02:27,629
Aw, come on, I can't say
that in front of the guys.
47
00:02:27,696 --> 00:02:28,863
All right.
48
00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:31,900
I love you, too.
49
00:02:31,968 --> 00:02:34,736
That was Ma!
Maggie's back in town!
50
00:02:34,737 --> 00:02:39,124
So, how long has it been
since you've seen Maggie?
51
00:02:39,125 --> 00:02:40,175
Oh, about six months.
52
00:02:40,242 --> 00:02:43,677
She, uh, skipped off to Canada
for a while, you know, and...
53
00:02:43,678 --> 00:02:45,964
according to Ma,
she's back in town, wants to see me.
54
00:02:45,965 --> 00:02:51,068
I guess she's just looking for
a booster shot of "vitamin CC."
55
00:02:51,170 --> 00:02:53,700
Yeah, maybe things just
didn't work out in Canada.
56
00:02:53,701 --> 00:02:55,056
Yeah, I'll never forget when
57
00:02:55,057 --> 00:02:58,760
my Uncle Orlo left Hanover to
seek his fortune in the big city.
58
00:02:58,827 --> 00:03:00,327
You know what happened?
59
00:03:00,395 --> 00:03:03,297
Terre Haute just
chewed him up and spit him out.
60
00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:09,237
Yep, he came back
with his head between his legs.
61
00:03:09,305 --> 00:03:12,707
Actually, I think the
expression is "tail between his legs."
62
00:03:12,742 --> 00:03:18,079
Oh, no, there was
a train accident on the way back.
63
00:03:18,114 --> 00:03:19,430
Yep.
64
00:03:19,448 --> 00:03:21,615
It's a real tragedy.
65
00:03:21,683 --> 00:03:25,619
Yeah, a year later,
he drowned in a sitz bath.
66
00:03:26,923 --> 00:03:28,506
Guess what I kept seeing
67
00:03:28,574 --> 00:03:31,259
as I was driving
into work just now.
68
00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:33,584
The middle finger
of every driver in Boston?
69
00:03:38,350 --> 00:03:41,819
No. The new ad campaign
for Gary's Old Towne Tavern.
70
00:03:41,887 --> 00:03:45,197
He's got billboards,
buses, tops of taxis, he's got everything.
71
00:03:45,198 --> 00:03:47,892
I'm telling you that guy's
business is gonna double.
72
00:03:47,893 --> 00:03:50,328
Yeah? Well, what
am I supposed to do?
73
00:03:50,329 --> 00:03:52,296
Well, I think that we
should do some advertising.
74
00:03:52,297 --> 00:03:54,365
Maybe we should do a
commercial on the radio,
75
00:03:54,366 --> 00:03:56,534
you know, a jingle,
something real catchy.
76
00:03:56,535 --> 00:03:59,053
No, I don't want to do
a jingle- that's stupid.
77
00:03:59,054 --> 00:04:00,905
You know, Sammy's
right there, Becs.
78
00:04:00,906 --> 00:04:03,076
What you want is a
word-of-mouth campaign.
79
00:04:03,077 --> 00:04:04,559
I'd be happy to help, you know.
80
00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:06,794
I'll talk it up
down at the old post office.
81
00:04:06,912 --> 00:04:08,596
Before you know it,
82
00:04:08,597 --> 00:04:10,598
this place will be wall-to-wall
with letter carriers.
83
00:04:10,599 --> 00:04:12,279
Now, you think I'm entertaining?
84
00:04:12,335 --> 00:04:14,202
Multiply me by a hundred.
85
00:04:15,921 --> 00:04:17,738
Jingle!
Jingle! Jingle!
86
00:04:17,807 --> 00:04:20,408
♪ ♪
87
00:04:23,572 --> 00:04:26,881
Well, Miss Howe, you
have certainly come
88
00:04:26,882 --> 00:04:28,817
to the right place-
I'm gonna hook you up
89
00:04:28,818 --> 00:04:29,984
with our very best composer.
90
00:04:29,985 --> 00:04:31,352
Send in Jason.
91
00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:33,854
We should probably
talk about budget now.
92
00:04:33,922 --> 00:04:34,989
Yes.
93
00:04:35,074 --> 00:04:38,142
I am prepared to spend
as much as $200.
94
00:04:39,844 --> 00:04:41,279
Keep Jason.
95
00:04:41,346 --> 00:04:43,614
Somebody wake up Sy Flembeck.
96
00:04:45,534 --> 00:04:46,851
Oh, advertising.
97
00:04:46,852 --> 00:04:48,853
You know, I almost
went into advertising.
98
00:04:48,854 --> 00:04:51,656
I bet that I would've
been real good at it,
99
00:04:51,757 --> 00:04:54,275
because I am
really good with, um...
100
00:04:54,276 --> 00:04:56,610
Oh, God, what is that when
you call and people are...
101
00:04:56,611 --> 00:04:58,847
you get two people and
they're talking to each other?
102
00:04:58,848 --> 00:05:00,298
You mean communication?
Yes!
103
00:05:00,299 --> 00:05:02,667
I have a real
knack for that. Oh.
104
00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:05,203
So, it's curtains for me, huh?
105
00:05:05,270 --> 00:05:07,071
The old "Adios, Flembeck."
106
00:05:07,139 --> 00:05:08,906
I knew this day'd come.
107
00:05:08,907 --> 00:05:10,992
I gave this firm
the best years of my life.
108
00:05:10,993 --> 00:05:13,728
It turns around and kicks me right
in the old haemorrhoid hotel.
109
00:05:13,729 --> 00:05:15,363
Pardon my French, babe.
110
00:05:15,448 --> 00:05:16,681
Well, before I go,
111
00:05:16,682 --> 00:05:18,833
let me tell you something,
Mr. Pimply-Faced Teenager
112
00:05:18,834 --> 00:05:20,668
Who's Running the Shop
This Week.
113
00:05:20,669 --> 00:05:22,670
I wrote "Chocolate, chocolate,
who ate my bar?"
114
00:05:22,671 --> 00:05:24,872
when you were still dangling
from your mother's breast,
115
00:05:24,873 --> 00:05:26,140
you cheap S.O.B.!
116
00:05:26,208 --> 00:05:28,943
Sy, we've got a job for you.
117
00:05:30,179 --> 00:05:33,214
You didn't let me finish!
118
00:05:33,299 --> 00:05:36,884
You have to be that way,
'cause you're a leader!
119
00:05:36,952 --> 00:05:38,485
Leadership has its price,
120
00:05:38,553 --> 00:05:42,489
and I respect that,
and I respect you!
121
00:05:42,558 --> 00:05:44,658
Does it show?
122
00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:47,077
The love, I mean?
123
00:05:47,145 --> 00:05:49,079
Well, here you go, Miss Howe.
124
00:05:49,147 --> 00:05:51,081
$200 worth of perfection.
125
00:05:51,149 --> 00:05:53,250
Yeah, well, let's go
to my cubicle, babe.
126
00:05:53,318 --> 00:05:56,453
We'll throw some
ideas at the wall and see if they stick.
127
00:05:56,522 --> 00:05:58,789
(whispers):
This is so exciting!
128
00:06:04,246 --> 00:06:05,679
This...
129
00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,098
is Cheers.
Great.
130
00:06:07,099 --> 00:06:09,200
Where's the old 88's?
Oh, right over here.
131
00:06:09,201 --> 00:06:11,902
Listen, do you think you can
write something for this place
132
00:06:11,903 --> 00:06:14,338
that's really gonna capture
the spirit of Cheers?
133
00:06:14,339 --> 00:06:16,274
But you have to do
it right away,
134
00:06:16,275 --> 00:06:18,776
because, you know, there's a
lot of competition out there.
135
00:06:18,777 --> 00:06:20,244
Hey, let me ask you something.
136
00:06:20,245 --> 00:06:22,446
Why don't you put a little
more pressure on me,
137
00:06:22,447 --> 00:06:25,049
'cause I haven't had a stroke
in about two months. Thank you.
138
00:06:25,050 --> 00:06:27,885
Sorry.
139
00:06:28,020 --> 00:06:29,603
I'm sure you'll do a great job.
140
00:06:29,638 --> 00:06:31,455
Of course I will.
141
00:06:31,524 --> 00:06:33,457
Perhaps you heard
my humble efforts
142
00:06:33,526 --> 00:06:35,593
for Fred's Tune-ups.
143
00:06:35,661 --> 00:06:37,495
(plays arpeggio flourish)
144
00:06:37,496 --> 00:06:40,899
(to "Old MacDonald Had a Farm"):
♪ Tune-ups, tune-ups, that's our game ♪
145
00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:42,333
♪ F-R-E-D-S ♪
146
00:06:42,368 --> 00:06:45,219
♪ If you don't come here,
that's a shame ♪
147
00:06:45,321 --> 00:06:47,221
♪ F-R-E-D-S ♪
148
00:06:47,289 --> 00:06:49,723
♪ With an F-F here... ♪
Everybody!
149
00:06:49,792 --> 00:06:53,060
♪ F-F there... ♪
FRASIER: Excuse me!
150
00:06:53,129 --> 00:06:56,264
Isn't that just
"Old MacDonald's Farm"?
151
00:06:56,266 --> 00:06:59,249
When Old MacDonald
pays me 200 bucks,
152
00:06:59,317 --> 00:07:01,485
it'll be "Old MacDonald's Farm."
153
00:07:02,972 --> 00:07:05,222
Look, Cliffie, when is, uh,
154
00:07:05,290 --> 00:07:07,792
when is Maggie actually
gonna show up here?
155
00:07:07,793 --> 00:07:10,060
Yeah, where is this
alleged girlfriend of yours?
156
00:07:10,061 --> 00:07:11,729
Well, uh, Paul,
I'm sure there's
157
00:07:11,730 --> 00:07:13,865
a very good reason
why she isn't here.
158
00:07:13,932 --> 00:07:15,299
Well, thank you, Carla.
159
00:07:15,351 --> 00:07:17,285
Namely that Clavin
dismembered her
160
00:07:17,352 --> 00:07:20,487
and stacked her in his freezer.
161
00:07:20,488 --> 00:07:21,589
Yeah, you know, the police
162
00:07:21,590 --> 00:07:23,580
took that call of yours
very seriously.
163
00:07:25,994 --> 00:07:27,428
(laughing)
164
00:07:27,496 --> 00:07:30,765
Missed a half a
day's work, thank you very much.
165
00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:32,700
Poor Ma didn't know
what to think.
166
00:07:32,768 --> 00:07:34,101
She tossed out
167
00:07:34,119 --> 00:07:35,169
a whole year's worth
168
00:07:35,220 --> 00:07:38,823
of Omaha steaks
trying to protect me.
169
00:07:38,841 --> 00:07:42,593
You must be pretty excited
to see Maggie, huh?
170
00:07:42,678 --> 00:07:44,445
Oh, yeah.
Darned excited, Sammy.
171
00:07:44,547 --> 00:07:46,280
Yeah, boy, when we're together,
172
00:07:46,348 --> 00:07:48,278
we're the hottest
couple imaginable.
173
00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:52,387
Yeah, I got the hormones,
the drive, the needs.
174
00:07:52,454 --> 00:07:55,756
Yes siree, yeah, my body's
like one big erogenous zone.
175
00:07:56,692 --> 00:07:59,527
Five, four, three...
176
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,746
What are you
doing, Carla? Counting down.
177
00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:03,598
I'm about to launch my lunch.
178
00:08:06,001 --> 00:08:07,435
Oh! Oh, look at that!
179
00:08:07,437 --> 00:08:08,587
Here comes Maggie now.
180
00:08:08,588 --> 00:08:10,621
Yeah, well,
I'd just better stand firm.
181
00:08:10,622 --> 00:08:13,657
I mean, nobody ties Cliff Clavin
down, that's for sure.
182
00:08:13,725 --> 00:08:16,861
She can have me back,
but, uh, no commitments.
183
00:08:16,912 --> 00:08:18,312
Mark my words.
184
00:08:18,380 --> 00:08:19,714
Hey there, baby.
185
00:08:19,798 --> 00:08:21,532
Remember me?
186
00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:23,334
I sure do, Cliff.
187
00:08:24,753 --> 00:08:26,470
Or should I say "Daddy"?
188
00:08:39,101 --> 00:08:41,101
How is he?
Oh, I'm sure he's fine.
189
00:08:41,102 --> 00:08:42,820
Hey, how's
he doing there, Fras?
190
00:08:42,821 --> 00:08:43,988
Oh, better, I think.
191
00:08:44,056 --> 00:08:46,724
Carla volunteered to bathe
his face with cold water
192
00:08:46,792 --> 00:08:50,928
and was doing fine until
the seat came down on his head.
193
00:08:50,996 --> 00:08:53,764
I should go to him.
194
00:08:53,832 --> 00:08:56,701
No. Trust me,
I'm a doctor.
195
00:08:56,752 --> 00:08:58,192
I've seen many cases of shock.
196
00:08:58,236 --> 00:09:01,305
What I suggest that you do
is go out for a while,
197
00:09:01,373 --> 00:09:03,507
give Cliff time to
regain his composure,
198
00:09:03,575 --> 00:09:06,443
and then you can come
on back, sit down
199
00:09:06,511 --> 00:09:09,380
and have a nice little chat
with him about, uh...
200
00:09:09,447 --> 00:09:12,650
Well, whatever it is
you wish to discuss with him.
201
00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:14,251
Thank you, Doctor.
202
00:09:14,319 --> 00:09:17,438
Perhaps it was a bit much
to spring on him. Yes.
203
00:09:17,506 --> 00:09:20,692
Tell him I'll be back
in a little while. All right.
204
00:09:20,693 --> 00:09:25,329
Well, from our "things you never
thought you'd hear" category,
205
00:09:25,330 --> 00:09:28,482
that woman is carrying
Cliff's child.
206
00:09:29,952 --> 00:09:31,301
Come on, buddy.
207
00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:39,476
Where is she?
208
00:09:39,578 --> 00:09:41,448
She had to step out
for a little while.
209
00:09:41,479 --> 00:09:42,846
Hey! Ha! I'll be damned!
210
00:09:42,847 --> 00:09:45,333
Let me be the first
to congratulate you, Cliffie!
211
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:46,617
Uh, thanks, Sam.
212
00:09:46,684 --> 00:09:49,153
You dog, Cliffie!
213
00:09:49,221 --> 00:09:51,989
Yeah.
I got to say, man, I'm shocked.
214
00:09:52,057 --> 00:09:54,391
How come?
Well, you know, I mean,
215
00:09:54,392 --> 00:09:56,678
you always claimed that
you and Margaret were,
216
00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:59,363
you know, doing it,
but, you know, I never really,
217
00:09:59,398 --> 00:10:01,498
you know...
218
00:10:02,817 --> 00:10:05,252
I'm just surprised,
is all, Cliff.
219
00:10:06,354 --> 00:10:09,423
So, she's pregnant
with your child.
220
00:10:09,441 --> 00:10:11,311
You gonna go through
Lamaze, or, uh,
221
00:10:11,376 --> 00:10:14,645
do you figure it'll just
burst out through her chest?
222
00:10:17,082 --> 00:10:19,349
Why'd you do it, Cliff?
223
00:10:19,418 --> 00:10:21,685
I begged you
to get yourself fixed.
224
00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:23,520
I even offered to pay for it.
225
00:10:23,588 --> 00:10:25,723
Hell, I offered
to do it for you!
226
00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:27,625
SAM:
Come on, come on, you guys.
227
00:10:27,626 --> 00:10:29,060
It's celebration time here!
228
00:10:29,061 --> 00:10:31,963
Hey, drinks on the house-
my friend's gonna be a daddy!
229
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,031
OTHERS:
Yeah! Yeah!
230
00:10:34,098 --> 00:10:36,867
You are gonna marry her,
aren't you, Mr. Clavin?
231
00:10:36,935 --> 00:10:39,870
It'd be a shame
to have to stone her.
232
00:10:41,390 --> 00:10:43,240
Well, uh...
233
00:10:43,241 --> 00:10:45,409
I-I guess you do,
uh, things differently
234
00:10:45,410 --> 00:10:47,978
back there in Hanover,
don't you, Wood?
235
00:10:48,113 --> 00:10:49,964
America's Heartland.
236
00:10:49,965 --> 00:10:53,568
Well, I don't know,
I should have expected it.
237
00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:55,739
I mean, the, uh, Clavins
never fire blanks.
238
00:10:57,790 --> 00:11:00,557
We're breeders, spawners.
239
00:11:00,576 --> 00:11:03,176
My loins are brimming
with vitality.
240
00:11:04,479 --> 00:11:06,179
Well, I'll never eat again.
241
00:11:06,247 --> 00:11:08,015
Anybody else?
242
00:11:10,588 --> 00:11:13,554
Let's get your mother
on the phone
243
00:11:13,555 --> 00:11:14,889
and tell her about it, huh?
244
00:11:14,890 --> 00:11:16,157
Get her down here, we'll have
a little celebration.
245
00:11:16,158 --> 00:11:17,175
There you go.
246
00:11:17,176 --> 00:11:18,342
Good idea, Sammy.
247
00:11:18,409 --> 00:11:20,410
But, uh...
248
00:11:20,429 --> 00:11:23,030
What?
249
00:11:23,065 --> 00:11:24,999
Could I, could I see you?
250
00:11:30,406 --> 00:11:33,741
Well, uh, what do
you think Cliffie will have- a boy, a girl?
251
00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:35,993
Is there a third choice?
252
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,012
Sammy, you know,
253
00:11:39,013 --> 00:11:41,082
I-I-I don't, uh,
I don't think that's my baby.
254
00:11:41,083 --> 00:11:42,783
Why not?
255
00:11:42,784 --> 00:11:44,652
Oh, well, let's
just say that, uh, you know,
256
00:11:44,653 --> 00:11:46,487
sometimes studs know.
257
00:11:48,806 --> 00:11:51,208
Remind me again how studs know.
258
00:11:51,209 --> 00:11:53,561
Well, you know,
sometimes studs just choose to...
259
00:11:53,562 --> 00:11:55,095
well, you know, wait it out.
260
00:11:55,130 --> 00:11:58,849
Cliff, you-you never actually
had sex with Maggie, did you?
261
00:11:58,850 --> 00:12:00,434
W-Well, that depends
there, Sam.
262
00:12:00,435 --> 00:12:01,969
Define sex.
263
00:12:01,970 --> 00:12:03,037
Oh...
264
00:12:03,038 --> 00:12:06,407
Now, you know,
we, uh, we meant to,
265
00:12:06,408 --> 00:12:08,642
but we just never really got
around to it, there, Sam.
266
00:12:08,643 --> 00:12:11,378
You, uh, still think
I'm a stud though, don't you?
267
00:12:11,446 --> 00:12:12,713
Oh, yes, of course I do.
268
00:12:12,714 --> 00:12:14,232
More than ever, man,
more than ever.
269
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:16,300
Yeah. You know,
sometimes it takes, uh,
270
00:12:16,367 --> 00:12:19,970
it takes a bigger stud,
not to have sex.
271
00:12:20,038 --> 00:12:22,273
What the hell does that mean?
272
00:12:22,324 --> 00:12:24,825
I don't know, man.
I'm just trying to help you.
273
00:12:24,893 --> 00:12:26,527
Work with me here, will you?
274
00:12:26,578 --> 00:12:29,013
Aw, Sammy, I'm such a failure.
275
00:12:29,081 --> 00:12:30,647
I feel so ashamed of myself.
276
00:12:30,749 --> 00:12:32,129
No, no, don't do that, Cliff.
277
00:12:32,130 --> 00:12:34,651
You know, uh, lots of people
don't have sex on dates.
278
00:12:34,652 --> 00:12:37,388
Hell, I've dated lots of women,
never had sex with them.
279
00:12:37,389 --> 00:12:38,639
That's kind of hard to believe
there, Sammy.
280
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:40,630
You're not working
with me here, Cliff.
281
00:12:40,675 --> 00:12:41,975
Let's, uh... Wait a second.
282
00:12:42,060 --> 00:12:43,478
I don't get something here.
283
00:12:43,545 --> 00:12:45,179
Now, if it's not your kid,
284
00:12:45,180 --> 00:12:47,882
how come Maggie's
coming in here and calling you "Daddy"?
285
00:12:47,883 --> 00:12:48,933
Uh, that's easy.
286
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:51,135
She's setting up a trap for me.
287
00:12:51,136 --> 00:12:53,337
All right, put yourself
in the frame of mind
288
00:12:53,338 --> 00:12:54,538
of the female psyche.
289
00:12:54,539 --> 00:12:56,640
Now, she goes off,
gets herself pregnant,
290
00:12:56,641 --> 00:12:59,076
looking for a husband,
provider, best friend, lover.
291
00:12:59,077 --> 00:13:01,845
Okay? First name
on top of her wish list.
292
00:13:01,914 --> 00:13:06,850
Cliff Clavin?
293
00:13:06,919 --> 00:13:10,154
Bingo.
294
00:13:10,222 --> 00:13:12,556
So, what do you think, Sam?
295
00:13:12,624 --> 00:13:15,394
I mean, I-I don't know
if I'm ready to get married or not.
296
00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:17,194
Well, you don't have to.
It's not your kid.
297
00:13:17,195 --> 00:13:18,396
It's not your responsibility.
298
00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:20,031
Yeah, but, you know,
I was out there
299
00:13:20,032 --> 00:13:21,799
in front of the guys braggin'
about my sexual prowess.
300
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,700
Well, hell,
they don't have to find out about this.
301
00:13:23,701 --> 00:13:25,353
You know it's none
of their business.
302
00:13:25,354 --> 00:13:26,721
Well, yeah,
but what do I tell them?
303
00:13:26,722 --> 00:13:30,224
Tell them, uh, that you weighed
the pros and cons,
304
00:13:30,225 --> 00:13:31,758
and at this point in your life,
305
00:13:31,759 --> 00:13:34,111
you don't feel like marriage
is the right thing for you.
306
00:13:34,112 --> 00:13:36,347
Hey, that's great,
Sammy, great. Thank you.
307
00:13:36,348 --> 00:13:37,448
Yeah. Yeah.
308
00:13:37,449 --> 00:13:38,849
Hey, stud handshake.
309
00:13:38,951 --> 00:13:40,902
Uh, oh, well.. Oh!
All right.
310
00:13:40,969 --> 00:13:42,136
There you go.
311
00:13:42,693 --> 00:13:44,654
Hey, uh, listen, Sam,
312
00:13:44,655 --> 00:13:46,457
just to, uh, you know,
set the record straight,
313
00:13:46,458 --> 00:13:47,958
just 'cause I didn't have
sex with Margaret,
314
00:13:47,959 --> 00:13:49,994
uh, doesn't mean I haven't
bagged my share of chicks.
315
00:13:49,995 --> 00:13:50,944
No, I know that.
316
00:13:50,945 --> 00:13:52,246
I know you do.
317
00:13:52,247 --> 00:13:53,196
I'm a pretty sexy guy.
318
00:13:53,197 --> 00:13:55,033
You know, women
sort of pick up on that.
319
00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:56,434
Yeah.
320
00:13:56,501 --> 00:13:57,901
Want to know my secret?
321
00:13:57,953 --> 00:13:59,620
Don't wear any underwear.
322
00:13:59,688 --> 00:14:00,768
It's too restraining.
323
00:14:02,707 --> 00:14:05,342
That's, that's super, man.
Thank you.
324
00:14:05,410 --> 00:14:06,877
Thank you for sharing that.
325
00:14:07,609 --> 00:14:11,015
I've got a little
announcement to make.
326
00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:12,933
Margaret and I will
not be getting married.
327
00:14:12,934 --> 00:14:14,584
See, I've weighed
the pros and the cons...
328
00:14:14,585 --> 00:14:15,986
That's not your kid, is it?
329
00:14:16,054 --> 00:14:17,104
Uh, no.
330
00:14:17,155 --> 00:14:18,388
See I've weighed...
331
00:14:18,456 --> 00:14:20,891
You and Maggie didn't
do it, did you?
332
00:14:20,959 --> 00:14:24,161
Well, no.
333
00:14:24,229 --> 00:14:26,263
(laughs)
334
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:32,936
Look, I didn't tell you guys
'cause I didn't want you to,
335
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,771
you know, think any less of me.
336
00:14:34,823 --> 00:14:37,558
Oh, I don't think that's
actually possible, Cliff.
337
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:40,877
Thank you, big guy.
338
00:14:43,381 --> 00:14:44,948
Hey, babe!
339
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:46,534
Your ship just came in!
340
00:14:46,535 --> 00:14:48,101
The muse has visited
Sy Flembeck.
341
00:14:48,102 --> 00:14:50,003
Want to hear what
she had to say?
342
00:14:50,071 --> 00:14:51,204
Oh, boy, do I.
343
00:14:51,272 --> 00:14:54,074
You know, I just love
the whole creative process.
344
00:14:54,142 --> 00:14:56,310
And I can be pretty
creative myself.
345
00:14:56,344 --> 00:14:59,163
Oh, yeah?
Well, then why don't you be Sy Flembeck
346
00:14:59,230 --> 00:15:01,460
and I'll be the
annoying broad? How's that?
347
00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:03,784
Go ahead.
348
00:15:03,852 --> 00:15:05,086
All right.
349
00:15:05,153 --> 00:15:07,855
"The Cheers Theme"
by Sy Flembeck.
350
00:15:07,923 --> 00:15:10,491
(plays flourish)
351
00:15:10,492 --> 00:15:12,026
(to the tune
of "Old MacDonald Had a Farm")
352
00:15:12,027 --> 00:15:14,061
♪ Beer and pretzels,
that's our game ♪
353
00:15:14,128 --> 00:15:16,497
♪ C-H-E-R-S ♪
354
00:15:16,498 --> 00:15:18,599
♪ If you don't come
here, that's a shame ♪
355
00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,534
♪ C-H-E-R-S ♪
356
00:15:20,602 --> 00:15:22,470
♪ With a C-C here,
C-C there... ♪
357
00:15:22,471 --> 00:15:24,204
No, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait!
358
00:15:24,205 --> 00:15:26,340
What are you doing?
That's all wrong!
359
00:15:26,407 --> 00:15:29,409
First of all, "Cheers" is
spelled with two E's.
360
00:15:32,380 --> 00:15:35,416
Second, I paid you
a lot of money
361
00:15:35,483 --> 00:15:37,184
to come up with
an original tune.
362
00:15:37,268 --> 00:15:38,958
You don't need
an original tune!
363
00:15:38,959 --> 00:15:40,688
You want something
that'll bore a hole
364
00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,556
through the public's
little pea brains.
365
00:15:42,557 --> 00:15:44,624
But you are all hype
and no substance!
366
00:15:44,692 --> 00:15:48,128
I was mesmerized
by your show business savvy.
367
00:15:48,196 --> 00:15:51,715
You couldn't write a jingle
to save your life.
368
00:15:51,716 --> 00:15:52,616
Uh, hey, babe!
369
00:15:52,617 --> 00:15:53,750
Come on!
Wait a minute!
370
00:15:53,751 --> 00:15:54,885
Wait a minute!
371
00:15:54,886 --> 00:15:55,786
What is it, huh?!
372
00:15:55,787 --> 00:15:57,897
What? What?
The "Old MacDonald" melody?
373
00:15:57,956 --> 00:15:59,689
Hey, I could change that.
374
00:15:59,690 --> 00:16:02,126
Yeah, Sy Flembeck is nothing
if he's not versatile.
375
00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:05,028
All right, just a minute.
Okay, okay, okay, I got it.
376
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,965
(to the tune of
"Mary Had a Little Lamb")
377
00:16:08,032 --> 00:16:11,385
♪ Beer and pretzels, that's
our game, that's our game ♪
378
00:16:11,419 --> 00:16:12,469
♪ That's our game ♪
379
00:16:12,470 --> 00:16:14,638
♪ Beer and pretzels,
That's our game ♪
380
00:16:14,705 --> 00:16:16,640
♪ C-H-E-R-S. ♪
381
00:16:16,707 --> 00:16:18,742
E! E! E-E!
382
00:16:18,810 --> 00:16:20,043
Out.
383
00:16:20,095 --> 00:16:22,295
What's the matter, babe?
384
00:16:22,296 --> 00:16:24,431
You can't work with a man
you're attracted to?
385
00:16:24,432 --> 00:16:26,750
Oh, God! Out!
386
00:16:26,818 --> 00:16:28,652
I'll be home all night.
387
00:16:28,719 --> 00:16:32,122
The pay phone's just down
the hall from my room.
388
00:16:32,190 --> 00:16:35,876
God. Oh, what a hack.
389
00:16:35,944 --> 00:16:38,045
You know, I, I
should have known it
390
00:16:38,112 --> 00:16:41,849
the first time I heard that
stupid Fred's Tune up song.
391
00:16:41,850 --> 00:16:43,267
Thanks a lot, lady,
now I'm gonna have
392
00:16:43,268 --> 00:16:44,968
that stupid jingle
in my head all night.
393
00:16:44,969 --> 00:16:46,136
What stupid jingle?
394
00:16:46,204 --> 00:16:47,337
You know the one.
395
00:16:47,338 --> 00:16:49,123
♪ Tune-ups, tune-ups,
that's our game ♪
396
00:16:49,124 --> 00:16:50,758
♪ F-R-E-D-S. ♪
397
00:16:50,759 --> 00:16:51,925
You know, I could
use a tune-up.
398
00:16:51,926 --> 00:16:53,561
Are they any good?
399
00:16:53,562 --> 00:16:55,463
You heard the song.
Tune-ups are their game.
400
00:16:55,464 --> 00:16:56,547
Well, where are they located?
401
00:16:56,548 --> 00:16:58,248
♪ 1413 Burlingame ♪
402
00:16:58,299 --> 00:16:59,516
♪ F-R-E-D-S ♪
403
00:16:59,584 --> 00:17:01,017
Sy!
404
00:17:01,085 --> 00:17:03,320
Sy, wait a minute!!
405
00:17:07,942 --> 00:17:09,843
Oh, Cliff, are you okay?
406
00:17:09,844 --> 00:17:11,645
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Maggie.
Thanks.
407
00:17:11,646 --> 00:17:13,547
I'm sorry I was gone
for so long.
408
00:17:13,615 --> 00:17:17,017
I went out and had some pizza
and ribs
409
00:17:17,085 --> 00:17:21,055
and ice cream
and pickles and chocolate.
410
00:17:21,072 --> 00:17:22,640
Maybe it's Norm's kid.
411
00:17:26,828 --> 00:17:29,580
Maggie, uh, I'd like to
talk to you in private
412
00:17:29,648 --> 00:17:30,814
for a few minutes.
413
00:17:30,882 --> 00:17:33,232
Do you mind, uh, stepping,
uh, this way, here?
414
00:17:33,284 --> 00:17:35,786
Uh, Sammy, okay if we, uh,
415
00:17:35,787 --> 00:17:36,970
use your office there, buddy?
416
00:17:36,971 --> 00:17:39,473
Promise me you won't go
through my drawers?
417
00:17:39,591 --> 00:17:40,741
Yeah, okay, I won't.
418
00:17:40,742 --> 00:17:42,092
That's what you said last time.
419
00:17:42,093 --> 00:17:43,963
How many times
can I say "I'm sorry"?
420
00:17:46,648 --> 00:17:48,649
Here, have a seat
there, Maggie.
421
00:17:51,820 --> 00:17:53,320
Maggie,
422
00:17:53,321 --> 00:17:55,506
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie Maggie
there's, uh, so much
423
00:17:55,507 --> 00:17:59,109
I want to say to you and...
so much you want to say
424
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,810
to me, and...
425
00:18:00,862 --> 00:18:02,096
so...
426
00:18:02,163 --> 00:18:03,697
Holy cow!
427
00:18:03,765 --> 00:18:05,755
For a guy who's always
crying poverty,
428
00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:09,069
Sam Malone's doing pretty well
for himself.
429
00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:11,821
Cliff?
430
00:18:11,873 --> 00:18:13,874
Oh, yeah.
431
00:18:13,942 --> 00:18:16,076
You know, Maggie,
I've been thinking.
432
00:18:16,177 --> 00:18:17,761
And you and I both know that
433
00:18:17,829 --> 00:18:19,863
that baby
couldn't possibly be mine.
434
00:18:19,881 --> 00:18:22,516
(sobbing)
435
00:18:24,602 --> 00:18:25,836
Aw, Maggie.
436
00:18:25,904 --> 00:18:28,321
Cliff, I am so ashamed.
437
00:18:28,389 --> 00:18:30,423
You're right.
The baby isn't yours.
438
00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:33,794
I just didn't know
where else to turn.
439
00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:35,595
Well, what happened, Maggie?
440
00:18:35,647 --> 00:18:37,647
Well, um, up in Canada,
441
00:18:37,715 --> 00:18:39,450
I met a man and fell in love.
442
00:18:39,517 --> 00:18:41,418
And everything was perfect,
443
00:18:41,452 --> 00:18:43,153
and we were gonna get married.
444
00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:46,223
And then he got scared
and called everything off.
445
00:18:46,290 --> 00:18:48,809
And I didn't have anyone
to turn to,
446
00:18:48,877 --> 00:18:51,695
so of course,
I thought of the most decent,
447
00:18:51,763 --> 00:18:53,613
honourable man I know.
448
00:18:53,682 --> 00:18:55,949
I'm sorry, Cliff.
449
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,636
You know, you...
450
00:18:58,703 --> 00:19:01,705
you just run out on me,
and you meet this guy,
451
00:19:01,773 --> 00:19:03,774
get pregnant, and he dumps you,
452
00:19:03,841 --> 00:19:05,476
and you come back
453
00:19:05,543 --> 00:19:08,044
so old Cliff Clavin can
take care of you, huh?
454
00:19:08,096 --> 00:19:11,165
That's right, Cliff.
455
00:19:11,232 --> 00:19:13,299
Can do.
456
00:19:13,351 --> 00:19:16,086
What?!
457
00:19:16,154 --> 00:19:18,088
I will marry you, Margaret!
458
00:19:18,156 --> 00:19:19,956
Oh, thank you, Cliff!
459
00:19:20,024 --> 00:19:21,558
(both chuckle)
460
00:19:21,576 --> 00:19:23,760
Hey, here's a
little-known fact:
461
00:19:23,828 --> 00:19:26,129
I'm gonna be your daddy!
462
00:19:26,197 --> 00:19:29,566
You know, this isn't
exactly the way I, you know, dreamed about
463
00:19:29,634 --> 00:19:31,902
starting a family there,
Maggie, but, uh...
464
00:19:31,903 --> 00:19:33,820
you know, I've always
thought the world of you.
465
00:19:33,821 --> 00:19:36,323
And I know that you'd
do the same for me
466
00:19:36,391 --> 00:19:38,858
if the situations
were reversed.
467
00:19:40,828 --> 00:19:42,629
But, Cliff, how could the...
468
00:19:42,696 --> 00:19:44,731
Never mind.
469
00:19:44,799 --> 00:19:47,067
All right.
So, hey, look, here's what we do.
470
00:19:47,068 --> 00:19:49,035
We, uh, skedaddle down
to the City Hall,
471
00:19:49,036 --> 00:19:51,372
make this thing legal,
and we go over to my place,
472
00:19:51,373 --> 00:19:53,240
sedate Ma and give
her the good news.
473
00:19:53,274 --> 00:19:54,641
Huh? Huh?!
474
00:19:54,709 --> 00:19:57,010
Okay!
475
00:19:57,011 --> 00:19:59,830
Oh, let me just call Jerry
and tell him he's off the hook
476
00:19:59,831 --> 00:20:01,699
so he won't worry about me
anymore.
477
00:20:01,766 --> 00:20:04,735
Uh, is it okay to use
this phone to call long distance?
478
00:20:04,803 --> 00:20:06,970
Oh, yeah, sure.
I do it all the time.
479
00:20:09,824 --> 00:20:12,226
Well, Sammy,
champagne all around.
480
00:20:12,293 --> 00:20:13,560
ALL:
Hey!
481
00:20:13,561 --> 00:20:15,428
Yeah, I decided
to marry Margaret, you know,
482
00:20:15,429 --> 00:20:17,064
make an honest woman of her
483
00:20:17,081 --> 00:20:18,849
and, uh, raise her child
as my own.
484
00:20:18,916 --> 00:20:20,216
SAM:
Oh, that's great.
485
00:20:20,217 --> 00:20:21,468
Congratulations, Cliff.
486
00:20:21,469 --> 00:20:24,471
I know you'll enjoy reaping
the rewards of fatherhood.
487
00:20:24,472 --> 00:20:26,006
Yeah, it's not like
I'm not prepared.
488
00:20:26,007 --> 00:20:28,208
I mean, I do own a copy
of The Little Mermaid.
489
00:20:28,259 --> 00:20:31,328
Well, let me be the first
to propose a toast.
490
00:20:31,329 --> 00:20:32,262
CLIFF:
All right.
491
00:20:32,263 --> 00:20:33,597
To the new father,
Cliff Clavin.
492
00:20:33,598 --> 00:20:35,265
ALL:
To the new father!
493
00:20:35,332 --> 00:20:36,966
Thank you, gentlemen.
494
00:20:37,034 --> 00:20:38,702
Cliff.
495
00:20:38,703 --> 00:20:39,803
Ha! Excuse me.
496
00:20:39,804 --> 00:20:43,573
(quietly):
The old ball and chain.
497
00:20:43,641 --> 00:20:45,742
Cliff, I just talked to Jerry.
498
00:20:45,827 --> 00:20:47,861
I hope you told him
that a real man
499
00:20:47,928 --> 00:20:50,464
is going to, uh,
take care of you and the baby?
500
00:20:50,498 --> 00:20:53,167
He wants me back.
501
00:20:53,201 --> 00:20:54,984
Beg your pardon?
502
00:20:55,036 --> 00:20:56,636
He said he loves me.
503
00:20:56,637 --> 00:20:58,905
He can't stand the thought of
another man raising his child.
504
00:20:58,906 --> 00:21:02,509
So, you're off the hook.
505
00:21:02,577 --> 00:21:03,777
Aren't you happy?
506
00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:05,946
Well, if you're happy.
507
00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:07,147
I'm happy.
508
00:21:08,683 --> 00:21:10,550
Well, then I'm happy.
Yeah...
509
00:21:10,552 --> 00:21:12,769
Uh, ladies and gentlemen.
510
00:21:12,804 --> 00:21:14,354
Please, don't just sit there.
511
00:21:14,472 --> 00:21:16,823
Raise your glasses
in a toast to, uh,
512
00:21:16,891 --> 00:21:20,026
Mother Margaret here and,
uh, the new father, Jerry.
513
00:21:20,111 --> 00:21:22,045
Jerry?
514
00:21:22,046 --> 00:21:23,447
ALL (lacklustre):
To Jerry.
515
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:25,465
Thanks, everyone.
516
00:21:25,533 --> 00:21:27,667
Oh, uh-uh, Cliff,
would you mind
517
00:21:27,668 --> 00:21:29,436
giving me a ride
to the bus station?
518
00:21:29,437 --> 00:21:32,206
If I leave now, I can
be there in 72 hours.
519
00:21:32,290 --> 00:21:33,840
Yeah, sure.
520
00:21:34,104 --> 00:21:36,677
I'm a little confused, Sam.
521
00:21:36,678 --> 00:21:39,213
Well, Maggie's going back
to Canada
522
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,648
to marry the,
the father of her baby.
523
00:21:41,649 --> 00:21:43,266
And Cliff was going
to marry her,
524
00:21:43,267 --> 00:21:44,768
but now he doesn't have to.
525
00:21:44,836 --> 00:21:48,071
No, I mean about it taking
72 hours to get to Canada.
526
00:21:50,407 --> 00:21:52,397
I thought it was much
further than that.
527
00:21:53,561 --> 00:21:55,362
You know, Cliff, in a way,
528
00:21:55,430 --> 00:21:58,532
I'm a little disappointed
that we're not getting married.
529
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,701
We'll never make love again.
530
00:22:00,735 --> 00:22:03,070
Again?
531
00:22:03,071 --> 00:22:05,139
Maggie, I think your
memory is as, uh, faulty
532
00:22:05,140 --> 00:22:08,474
as your birth control, uh...
533
00:22:09,861 --> 00:22:12,045
We, we never actually
did make love.
534
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,547
Sure we did.
The night before I left.
535
00:22:14,615 --> 00:22:19,686
Remember?
You had those two wine coolers?
536
00:22:19,754 --> 00:22:21,555
No kiddin'?
537
00:22:21,622 --> 00:22:23,990
I-I thought I
fell asleep.
538
00:22:25,193 --> 00:22:28,228
You, you mean, you
and I actually, uh...?
539
00:22:29,430 --> 00:22:31,565
I don't remember.
540
00:22:31,632 --> 00:22:33,567
Boy, that's something.
541
00:22:33,634 --> 00:22:36,470
So, uh, how was I?
542
00:22:36,471 --> 00:22:37,437
The truth, Cliff?
543
00:22:37,438 --> 00:22:38,538
Naw.
544
00:22:38,606 --> 00:22:40,207
You were great.
Yeah!
545
00:22:40,274 --> 00:22:41,942
(laughing)
546
00:22:42,009 --> 00:22:44,411
Both times.
Both times! Wow!
547
00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:45,595
Wow! Whoo-hoo!
39527
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