All language subtitles for The.Re-Education.of.Molly.Singer.2023.720p.WEBRip.800MB.x264-GalaxyRG CHI

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

MOLLY: When I think back on my college experience,

my fondest memories are...

Damn.

Where'd they all go?

- Ah, I've got it.
- [FOOTSTEPS]

- Hold on, one quick second.
- [BOTTLE OPENING]

- Hang tight.
- [SIPS ALCOHOL]

- [FOOTSTEPS]
- [EXHALES]

- [LIGHTER FLICKS]
- [BUBBLING]

[STRAINED] Yeah.
There they are.

They always just come flooding back.

[EXHALES]
Alright.

When I think back on my college experience,

my fondest memories are...

MAN: Go! Go! Go! Go!

["I LOVE IT" (FEAT. CHARLI XCX) BY ICONA POP PLAYING]

MOLLY: Four years of tailgating,

serial dating, hookups,

breakup sex, makeup sex.

And then there's this guy.

[MOANS SOFTLY]

Four years of endless parties,
no parents, no bills, no jobs...

- [SCREAMING]
- ...best friends and bitter rivals.

Any sane person that ever graduated
from an institute of higher learning

will tell you that college was hands down
the best years of their lives.

Okay, try and keep your eyes open.
Jeez. Okay.

MOLLY: My name is Molly Singer and in college,
I had it all figured out.

- [GASPS]
- But now?

[SIGHS]

Well...

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[MOLLY INHALES]
Mmm.

Oh, Jesse.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

I thought you were Michael B. Jordan.

Oh, Jesus!
Mrs. Zimmerman.

- What are you doing in my apartment?
- You gave me a key.

For emergencies.

Yes, well, I thought you might be
in distress, or dead.

- You need something.
- Yeah, I need something.

Could you be a dollface
and drive me to the market?

I tried to get a car on Lyft,
but apparently my, uh...

"My account is blocked."

No, no.
No air quotes.

No, you have a shockingly
high number of one-star ratings.

Oh, and it's my fault that they
all drive like Tijuana kamikazes?

Mm. [GULPS]
My God, the racism.

- I'm sorry, what was that?
- [EXHALES]

I think I need to get some breakfast first.

Kiddo, it's 9:30.
I think...

- What?
- ...brunch would be more in order.

- We can have brunch while we're out.
- Huh?

- Kill two birds with one stone, right?
- Oh, I... Uh...

You might wanna drag a comb across that head.

- [CLICKS TONGUE] Yeah...
- Come on, baby. Let's go.

[GROANS, MUMBLES] Oh, God, no.
I didn't want to go to work.

["BOSS" BY MAD CIRCUIT PLAYING]

Good morning, everybody.
We've got a ton of stuff to get through today.

So let's get...
[INHALES]

Nelson, I swear to God.

Are you curing cancer on that fucking phone?

[MOBILE GAME CHIRPS, WHINES DOWN]

- Is that your last life?
- [PHONE RINGING]

Um...

I have, um, one life left.

Okay, why don't you go
finish that up at your desk?

Now?

Right fucking now.

Oh.

Whose nephew is that?
Can we please find that out?

Thank you for joining us, Miss Singer.

Yeah, I, uh, I've been here a while actually.

Really? 'Cause it looks like
you're coming back

from getting your pupils dilated.

Oh, the glasses.
Yeah. Transitions.

I don't know.
[CHUCKLES]

Not working.

[MOLLY SIGHS HEAVILY]

So do you need a little bit of nap time
or something? Because I can--

I can give the Pebblebrook case
to one of your colleagues.

Perhaps someone with aspirations
of becoming partner here one day.

Realistic aspirations.

[ASSOCIATES GIGGLING]

Ah, no, no.
I'm...

I'm-- I'm great.

Joe, how are you?

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[GROANS]
Oh, God.

[OBJECTS CLATTER]

BRENDA: What the hell was that back there?

Oh, uh... Yeah,
I think I just got,

like, the flu bug or something.

Really?
Breakfast of champions, I see.

Yeah, I'm just gonna be really honest with you.

The Pebblebrook motion
is giving me an aneurysm

and I, I went out last night
for a little stress relief.

Think I just overdid it a little.
You know?

You think?

Yeah.

- Oh, Miss Singer.
- [GROANS, SIGHS]

You intrigue me.

You are smart.

You bill a ton of hours.
You exude a charming

yet ignorant amount of confidence,

that for some ungodly reason
your clients seem to love.

[GULPING]

But if you think for one second that
this firm needs you more than you need it,

you are sadly mistaken.

I've got it all under control.

[STOMACH GROWLING]

You're gonna throw up, aren't you?

Yes, I am.
Yeah.

You screw up this hearing,
you will never work in this city again.

Am I clear?

Yes, ma'am.

[RETCHES]

[COUGHS]

Oh, that is sour.

Oh, piss off, Nelson.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

PAULIE: Oh, hey, Paulie.
How was your night last night?

Oh, it was great.
I hooked up with my Uber driver.

He was really hot.

[SINGSONGY] You don't care
'cause you're not listening.

Okay.
Just...

- Hey!
- [GROANS]

Watch it.

Okay, you know what?
This is bumming me out.

[CHUCKLES]

When you invited me to a work dinner,

you didn't say there was
gonna be work at the dinner.

- Hmm.
- So do you see me working?

Well, I'm sure they've got

a few cans of mixed vegetables

you could crack open for them in the back.

Whatever.
At least I like my job.

Oh, you do not like your job
and you know it.

I love my job. I get to work with kids
and teach them about nutrition and shit.

What?
You work at a cafeteria.

What kind of nutritional
benefits are you teaching them?

The difference between chocolate and 2% milk?

Mm. Joke's on you.
We have oat milk now.

- No, shit? Very fancy.
- Yeah. So fancy.

- What, are there a lot of white kids?
- A lot of white kids.

- Okay.
- So many white kids.

You know, I think that you should go back.

Go back to school for the semester.

Get your parents to unlock your trust fund.

Mol, can you just drop it.
We've had this conversation.

- Why wouldn't you do it?
- It's complicated.

It's your foolish pride

and I am telling you that is gonna get
in the-- Oh, shit.

- Look away. Look away. Quickly.
- What?

- Look away. Look away. [SHUSHING]
- What?

Molly Singer?

Poles!
Wow!

- Poles, yeah.
- [CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS]

Good to see you.

- Hiya.
- Hey, oh. Okay.

[LAUGHTER]

- Poles?
- Yeah. Mm-hmm. Poles.

It was my pledge name at Barnett.

- Oh. What does it mean?
- Yeah.

Well, uh, we were on this ski trip
and Handy Moore over here--

It was a nickname.
It was just like a semi-truthful nickname.

- Oh, okay.
- Mm.

Yeah, she was just always
in the hotel room, you know?

Practicing her form with two
very big ski poles, firm grip.

So, like, kind of like this, like...

- Ooh. Look out.
- MOLLY: Yup.

- We're going down - a black diamond?
- PAULIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Totally getting it. That's it.
- [MOLLY AND TRINA LAUGHS]

- I was just thinking.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- I thought you might be here

- with your husband, but...
- Um...

- Aw, it's just Paulie.
- [LAUGHS]

But you guys are married...

- CHARLES: Yeah.
- ...so that's cool.

- Very cool.
- Four amazing years

- with my Charles here.
- Wow.

White picket fence, two-year-old daughter,
yeast rising on another.

I guess the icing on the cake
is I was just made full partner at my firm.

Yeah. She's my rock star.
I'm a stay-at-home dad.

- Well, you know what they say.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.

When you find love,
you gotta hold onto it tight! Right?

- Grab it! Never let go.
- Really tight.

- [GRUNTS]
- [CHUCKLES]

It's just the two of you.
Mm? Yeah, just like always.

Well, have a good dinner.
See you, guys.

- Great to see you.
- Yeah.

Nice pearl necklace, by the way.

- Thank you. I like to coordinate.
- I bought it for her.

- PAULIE: What a fucking asshole.
- [TRINA SIGHS]

So you liked the poles in your hands?

- I don't understand.
- Shut up, Charles.

[ELLIOT BREATHES HEAVILY]

Alright.
Alright, you got this.

Confidence.
Come on. Come on.

Shirt looks good.
Shark tooth, that's sick.

Hair's good.

Come on.
You know this, let's go.

Let's do it, come on.

Badass, badass, badass, badass, badass.

- [CELL PHONE BEEPS]
- [EXHALES]

TikTok MMA style, motherfucker.
Let's go.

[GRUNTING]

- Hey!
- Aah!

That was so great.

So great up until that,
you know, the end,

but great form.

- [BRENDA CHUCKLES]
- [SIGHS]

Haven't you heard of knocking?

I'm trying to perfect my TikTok game.

Okay. Well, I don't even know
what that means.

But, um, I have a really
great surprise for you tonight.

No, no.
I don't like surprises.

They give me anxiety.

Mm-hmm.

Elliot, honey.
[SIGHS]

You sit up here in your room all day.

All you do is this TikTok thing
and, and play video games.

You don't show up for your friends.

You don't show up for me, for dinner.

We always used to go out
to dinner as a family together

the night before you'd go to camp,

and this is so much bigger
than that, honey.

It's college.

So can you please just humor
your mother this one time?

[EXHALES]

'Cause there's a really great buffet

that I keep hearing about.
[CHUCKLES]

I wanna take you to it, so...

You do love buffets.

Mm-hmm.

I do. [CHUCKLES]
Alright.

["CHURROS" BY CRYPTO BUNNY PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[ON MIC]
DJ: That's right, don't forget

to tip your cocktail waitress.

And coming up to the stage
to light it up

for you fellas right now is Passion!

Do your thang, girl.

BRENDA: So you form the S-corp,

and the club hires you as a vendor.

The tax break was great,
but it stopped you

from getting all your deductions.

It'd still cover shoes, though, right?

Well, as long as you can claim
they're a costume for work

and, you know, not functional
in your day-to-day life.

Oh, yeah, girl,
those are deductible. [LAUGHS]

Oh. Is this great or what?
[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, it's just--
it's kinda hard to breathe.

Oh, it's all part of the experience, son.

I know this would have been
more of your dad's territory,

but I think it's kind of cool.

Great music, scampi.

- [LADIES GIGGLING]
- [INDISTINCT CLUB CHATTER]

Hey, give it a little spanky spank.

I-- I don't wanna spanky spank.

No better time than the present.
TikTok.

No, that's not even what TikTok is!

- Just tap it. Just a little tap.
- No! No, stop. Stop.

Be a man!

[GASPS, GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

- Oh.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

And that, son,

is an important lesson in consent.

From kissing to coitus,

- what are we gonna do?
- Ask?

You're goddamn right we are
and you're not gonna listen

to PJ, Tobin, and Squee.

Who?

- Thanks, ladies. Nice work.
- No problem.

- Judge Stanton says hi.
- Oh, I'm sure he does.

Well, see you ladies at gym class.
Let's go.

What the fuck just happened?

[♪♪♪]

I cannot believe we ran into Poles.

Are we still talking about this?

I might as well been holding
a Daniel Steele novel

and a bag of kitty litter for my seven
fucking cats waiting for me at home.

You're slipping, Mol. I would have
lead with the fact we caught her

giving two handies at that ski trip.

No, we are too old to be
slut-shaming, don't you think?

Not if it's Poles.
She's the worst.

- Seriously.
- Oh. [MUMBLES]

- [BOUNCER CLEARS THROAT]
- MOLLY: Oh! [CHUCKLES]

- Back of the line.
- Oh, I'm with her, so...

That is terrific.

Back of the line.
Both of you.

- What just happened?
- Oh, my God.

He can smell the loser on me.

That's the dumbest fucking thing
I've ever heard.

No, no, no, no, she's actually right.
She reeks of it.

It's cutting through all
the Armenian guys' cologne.

So can you please make
my job easier and get to the back?

- Thank you.
- Okay, that was a sign.

I have Pebblebrook tomorrow.
I need to go home and get some rest.

You can't go home dry-docking.

- You'll be in hell all night.
- Yeah--

Hey. Okay. We're not gonna end
the night like this.

Not on my watch.
Okay?

- Just give me a sec.
- I'm not standing-- Okay.

Give me a sec.
[CLEARS THROAT]

Hello, gentlemen.

Uh...
[INDISTINCT]

I'm the manager, and, uh...

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

What?
What did you say?

You're Carly Rae Jepsen,
I'm your manager.

- Just go with it.
- Who?

I really question our friendship sometimes.

Hello.

["FIERCE" BY HOTLINE PLAYING]

[GASPS, EXHALES]

What?
No.

[HEAVY BREATHING]

[BODY THUDS]

[SIGHS]

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Want some pancakes, Mol?

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck me!

[GROANS]

Selfish.
Selfish.

Guess not.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I left the car at the club!

Fuck!

El?

- ELLIOT: Yeah.
- Wow.

I thought I was gonna have to blackmail you

to get you out of bed this morning.

You gonna take that bag?

Yeah, it's the one that Dad gave me.

Yeah, I know, I know he did.

And you know,
when you were little,

it was so cute when you--
you could fit inside of it

and we'd joke around that we were
gonna save money on tickets

'cause we could fly you cargo,
but this is, um...

I mean, don't you think now
this is a little tacky?

You know, Mom,
I-I've been thinking,

um, about what you said last night,

and you're right.

You know, ever since Dad passed,
I've just been...

Well...

Nothing really, I suppose.

Um...

But what I do know is that...

Dad was all about showing up.

So that's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna show up.

[CLICKS TONGUE]
Okay, you can keep the frigging bag.

I will get you a matching set
for Hanukkah. [SNIFFLES]

Um, you're still in your robes, Mom.

Right. Oh. Damn it.
Um, 20 minutes, 20 minutes.

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Mr. Pebblebrook, your counsel has
till I get through the sports section.

Shit!

[PANTING]

[FRUSTRATED GROAN]
Shit.

Damn.

MOLLY: Coming through!
Excuse me!

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.
Sorry.

- [GRUNTS]
- [THUDS]

[PANTING CONTINUES]

- Objection.
- Shit.

- Manolo Blahnik or...?
- What?

Ooh, say...

They say you snort the gel inside here,

you can fucking fly to the moon and back.

I don't know what you're talking about.
You can have those.

- Oh, no, you--
- They're all yours, buddy.

JUDGE DAVIS: That's it.

Sorry, I know I'm late.
I know.

Sorry, Mr. Pebblebrook.

Based on absence of oral
argument by the moving party,

the motion for summary judgment is denied...

[HEAVY BREATHING]

...with prejudice.

I'm here! I'm here!
Wait!

[PANTING, HEAVY BREATHING]

Huh?

Oh...
[SIGHS]

["ELEVATED" BY NIGHT SWIMMER PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

REPORTER: Now that the leg is fully healed,

are you taking us to
the national championship game?

Uh, with God's determination
and his healing hands,

that's the plan, no doubt.

And you surpassed
over a thousand yards last year.

You plan to surpass that this year?

Oh, yeah, most definitely.
I mean, you know,

this is what I do, so...

So the dorms are great.

Even though your room's
the size of my shoe closet.

Well, I don't think it's that bad.

I mean, your shoe closet is pretty big.

And the girl-to-guy ratio
is really playing in your favor.

Mom. No. Don't.

I'm just saying from a numbers perspective.

Don't you have to go to work or something?

Anything other than talking
about girl-to-guy ratios?

[SIGHS]

This is gonna be the best
four years of your life, I promise.

You are gonna do great things, Elliot Steiner.

Come on.

["HAPPY TO BE HERE" BY DAWDY & MENNA PLAYING]

Mm. All that's left is the body snatcher.

You wanna get in it one
last time for old time's sake?

Mom, people can hear you.
Please.

- Sorry.
- [PHONE RINGS, VIBRATES]

Dammit, I told her not to bother
me on my last day with you.

- This is...
- [PHONE RINGS, VIBRATES]

Maybe it's an emergency.

[BEEPS]

[EXHALES] The office better
be burning to the fucking ground.

She did what?!

- ["HAPPY TO BE HERE" PLAYING]
- [CAR REVVING]

[SKATER GRUNTS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

MALE REPORTER: Do you think you're
gonna break your record from last year?

- Oh. Oh...
- STUDENT: Look out!

Too many questions.
Too many questions now.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

By the way it's going,
I might not get tacked all year.

Whoa!
[YELLING]

- Where does it hurt?
- Fuck, man! I think I broke my ankle!

- Which ankle is it?
- This one! [YELLS]

Do you think you can play this season?

What? I don't know.
I just broke my ankle.

Hey, it was him!

- Let's fucking get him!
- What?

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

You better run!
Get him!

- STUDENT #2: Get him!
- STUDENT #3: Come here, man!

BOB MENERY: Well, Peter,
a world record.

While normally reserved
for professional athletes,

this week's Daily Upper Decker Award

goes to none other than college freshman,

Elliot Steiner,

who single-handedly wrecked the MVP run

of potential first-round
draft pick, Demetrius Moss.

Whoa!
[YELLING]

- [FEMALE REPORTER] Where does it hurt?
- [GROANS]

[YELLING]

[SLOW MOTION YELLING]

BOB: Time to get the fuck out of dodge, kid.

STUDENT #1: ...fucking get him!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

STUDENT #2:
Wait till I catch you!

STUDENT #3: Hey, you're dead, man!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[♪♪♪]

BRENDA: Singer!

Do you have any idea
how fucked this is?!

Pebblebrook is threatening to
sue us for mishandling his case.

You not only lost me money,
you are costing me money.

- Brenda, I can fix this.
- Yeah, you can, by packing your shit

- and getting the fuck out of my office.
- [PHONE BEEPS]

- ASSISTANT: Mrs. Steiner?
- What?!

- Y-your son is on line one.
- Move.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

Hey, my love, how's your first day going?

- I'm coming home.
- What?

- What happened?
- Check your text messages.

[BOB ON VIDEO]
...Elliot Steiner,

who single-handedly wrecked the MVP run

of potential first-round draft pick,

- Demetrius Moss.
- BRENDA: Oh.

[DEMETRIUS YELLING ON VIDEO]

Well, I mean, it's--

I'm sure it's not that bad.

It'll blow over.

I'm literally packing my bags right now.

BRENDA: Oh, come on, honey.
Steiners are not quitters. We're fighters.

I'm not a fighter.
I'm a Daily Upper Decker.

I don't even know what that means.

It's shit, Ma!
It's shit. Okay?

It's when you take a--
a shit in the tank of a toilet

and then when you flush it,
it's just shit.

It's perpetual continuous shit.

BRENDA: Honey, your father
wanted you to go to his alma mater.

Give me that.
Sit down.

- Sit down!
- [PICTURE FRAME THUDS]

What do you wanna hear?

Yeah,

you were dealt the shitty hand.
So was I.

But it's where you go from here that determines

what kind of a man you become, son.

Are you an Upper Decker?

Or are you my brave number two?

You realize in this scenario,
I'm a piece of shit either way.

Yeah, I'm just realizing that.

It's not-- not my best analogy.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

But I have a feeling that, um...

everything's gonna work out.

Can you trust me?

Yeah.

You went to undergrad
at Barnett University, right?

Uh, y-yes, ma'am.

And you were president of your sorority

and I'm sure you were popular
with all the guys, right?

I mean, yeah, a little...
Look at you.

Um...

- My son, Elliot...
- Mm.

...is just starting his
freshman year at Barnett

and he's had a little bit of a, a misstep.

- Yeah, the Upper Decker video?
- What?

Yeah, Nelson showed it to us earlier.

Fucking moron.

- Mm.
- Um...

The thing is, my son...

My son is a really good kid,
but he, um...

He's a recluse.

Oh.

So it's gonna take somebody else

to help him come out of his shell.

MOLLY: Yeah.

And that someone is you.

Me?

Yeah, see,
the way I see it is,

I want my son to be happy

and you need a job.

Oh, so I'm not fired?

Oh, no, you're definitely
still fired. [LAUGHS]

No, uh, I'm saying
that I would like to hire you

to go back to Barnett as a student,

but obviously with a different last name.

I'll have the art and tech
department hook you up,

get you a new student ID,
transcripts, everything you need.

[STAMMERS] I just don't--
I don't think that they--

No, that's the problem.
You don't think.

Otherwise, you would still have
your fucking job, so...

- Ah...
- I just-- I, I--

I want you to take him under your wing.

You know, help him--
help him meet some friends.

- His father was Ki Mu.
- Oh.

So he's a legacy.
Help him get into the frat.

Yeah, I mean, I--
I just don't know anything about--

You have until Homecoming weekend,

which is exactly two months from now.

In exchange, I will pay you
half of your salary.

- What?
- And if you succeed,

we can talk about you
coming back to the firm.

[STAMMERS]

You wanna pay me to go back to Barnett?

Yeah.

Oh...

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

[♪♪♪]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, there's my Becky.

Thank you.

You just had to give out
that second fruit cup, huh?

Why'd I do it, Walter?
Do you know?

'Cause you're a fucking kiss-ass.

- Oh, fuck you. It's 'cause...
- [MOUTHING]

...little Becky there's got
a soccer game this afternoon

and she needs the extra fuel.
Isn't that right, Becky?

Yeah! How many goals you scoring today?

I'm the goalie.

Yeah, you are!
Goal!

Get your cooties away from my station.
What'd I tell you?

Oh, I'm sorry,
was it one workstation

- behind you?
- Yes. Jesus.

MOLLY: Paulie!

It is time to retire your hairnet,

pack up your sh-- stuff.

Hi, children.
We're going back to Barnett.

- What are you talking about?
- Okay, so here's the update.

Got to court,
a little bit late...

Look, you know,
I'm really sorry about that.

- MOLLY: Ooh! Ooh!
- KID: Ooh.

Get back to your station
and don't fucking touch me.

- MOLLY: Paulie.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

My apologies. Uh...

That's on me.
Juice boxes for everybody.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Okay, I don't think you're getting it.
I really, really don't.

I'm getting paid to go back to college.
Okay?

- And you're gonna come with me.
- Hard pass, Mol.

Walter's got me on management track.

Paulie, I need you.
Seriously, we can go back,

have a great time,
party like we used to.

You can finish your degree, finally.

And then when you unlock your trust,

you could just buy the whole cafeteria,

have it named after you.

Maybe even...

[WHISPERING]
...fire Walter.

- Fire Walter?
- Why not?

- Okay, I really wanna go.
- Okay. We're getting you out.

- Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it. We got it.

- Alright.
- [EXCLAIMS]

Oh, I wanna fire Walter!

- Yeah!
- Fuck you!

[MOLLY EXHALES]

See ya, kids!

[WHISPERS]
Fuck you.

["FLEX" BY KALI J PLAYING]

[MUSIC ABRUPTLY ENDS]

Sorry, no housing available.

- Huh?
- [BELL DINGS]

What do you mean there's no housing available?

Record enrollment.

Did you not read your freshman
orientation packet?

Because if you had, you'd know
that the dorms need to be secured

- two months in advance.
- Oh, okay.

- Barnett...
- Well, what about private housing?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh. Record enrollment.

- Oh, boy.
- What is up with people

that have the ability to hear?
Yet nobody ever listens.

- MOLLY: I hate that.
- Okay, campus Barbie, listen.

- I--
- Look, here's the deal.

We've just been traveling
so much the last few years,

dedicating our lives
to helping children in need

on a grassroots level for little to no pay.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- And now...

We need to come back
and finish school

so we can take our local efforts
to the global stage,

and I'm talking Malawi,
Namibia, Darfur.

[PHONE RINGING CONTINUES]

- I'll tell you what I can do. Okay?
- Okay.

Not a fucking thing.
America first.

Student Housing.
This is Amy.

- Did she just say - "America first"?
- AMY: Oh, yes, absolutely.

- [SOFTLY] She said, "America first."
- [LAUGHS]

AMY: Okay...
[INDISTINCT]

Huh.

What the hell was I thinking?
Stupid, stupid Darfur.

Yeah, she feels like someone who would
run over protesters if given the chance.

I can't believe we already fucked this up.

"We"? [SCOFFS]
Okay. Maybe it's for the best.

I mean, this is the dumbest fucking idea

since we both tried anal bleaching.

Yeah, but if we don't do it,
then we both go to living

on the streets.

- So...
- Okay. Nope. Uh...

My skin won't last a day
in these streets,

so we gotta figure something out.

[MUMBLES] I know
all about the skin...

Hold up.
Hold up.

Excuse me.
Hi. Hi.

[SIGHS]
Can I borrow you for a sec?

[♪♪♪]

Why? No, no, no, no.
What the fuck?

[SIGHS HEAVILY]
Goddammit.

[HUFFS AIR]

So you're the Upper Decker, huh?

I'm Lindsay.
Looks like we're neighbors.

So should I just call you
"Upper" for short or...?

Uh, I-I'm Elliot.
Sorry.

Hmm.
Joe "Daddy" Stevenson.

Uh, you know MMA?

Hell, yeah. Well, I mean,
I didn't start getting into it

till Rousey started fighting but...

Oh, that's, that's--
that's dank.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]
It's super dank.

Uh, well, I will take these as I see them.

The danglies are all yours though.

"Dank"?
What the fuck, dude?

- [LOCK BEEPS]
- [SIGHS]

["MADE FOR IT" BY UNSECRET X OLLY ANNA PLAYING]

[CHUCKLES]

[PAULIE CHUCKLES, CLICKS TONGUE]

Oh, look, it's the International Man of Mystery.

Oh, Amy.

You passed.

Passed what?

The test to see if you are one of us.

Can't be too careful
in a college campus nowadays,

what with the deep state liberal agenda.

[INHALES, GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

You-- you follow the Q?

[SCOFFS]
Do I follow the...

Is George Soros the head
of a major pedophile ring

being run out of metro area pizza places?

I know you said housing
was full to the brim,

but I think you and I both know
it's up to people like us

to make the silent majority not so silent!

[SOFTLY]
In places like this.

And my girl Molly Sutter,

she's down for the cause too.
She is. So...

if you can find it in your heart,

maybe even consider it your patriotic duty,

to put a roof over our heads.

["BOUNCE IT" BY FLYANA BOSS PLAYING]

PAULIE: What do you say?

What are we doing?

Oh, yeah, you dirty little snowflake.

I'm gonna assimilate you like
a docile minority population.

Uh, uh... assimilate me,
you filthy little whore.

Hey, don't be a misogynist.

Oh, that's where you draw the line?

- I talk, you fuck.
- [GRUNTS]

Mm-hmm.
Yup.

[PAULIE GROANS SOFTLY]

So are we doing this or what?

Yeah, just getting it queued up.

- [SLIGHT CHUCKLE]
- Yup. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah, okay.

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE, BREATHES IN]

Oh, Michael B. Jordan.
Michael B. Jordan. Michael B. Jordan.

Oh, God.

Molly, I could fucking kill you.

- [AMY CHUCKLES] You like that?
- [GROANS]

Don Lemon!

This place isn't officially
affiliated with the university,

but they do offer
student discounts on rent, so...

Amy, your country thanks you.

Come back to be fucked
by a real American patriot any day,

you commie Antifa bitch.

No, not if I...

storm their capitol first.

[SIGHS]

Oh, dear God.

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

Okay, yeah. Just talk to her.
Just go in.

Hey. Hey, how are you?

I didn't see you there.
Uh, maybe you wanted to go on a walk?

Okay, maybe you wanna go on
a n-nature hike alone with me?

[STAMMERS] What am I?
Yogi fucking Bear?

I-I like-- I like MMA.
I like fighting.

I mean, I know you do too.

Maybe, why don't we just, like,
spar or something?

No, what?
Spar.

[SIGHS]

Just do it. Alright.
One, two, three. Okay.

Hey, I was in the neighborhood
and I just wanted to see...

Oh! Uh, uh...

What the fuck, Chach!

Get the fuck outta here, bro!

- Aah!
- Get the fuck outta here!

Yup.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Always... always knock, knock, knock.

Fucking idiot.

- [BELL DINGS]
- [CROWS CAWING]

- MOLLY: Huh.
- PAULIE: Is this it?

Yeah, this is it.

- [SAW WHIRRING]
- [HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

I think I'm good sleeping in your car.

MAN: Ow! Ow! Fuck!

Mother fuck!
Mother fuck!

[EXHALES LOUDLY]

Is that Scott Perkins?

- I think it is.
- [HUFFS AIR]

Didn't he set fire to the
art building senior year?

For sure.

- Okay.
- Oh, Can't Sing Singer.

- Scotty.
- Paulie.

- Yeah.
- No freaking way.

- Yeah.
- I haven't seen you guys in years.

- [LAUGHS]
- Yeah!

- Yeah.
- Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- It's good to see you. Yes.
- [LAUGHS]

- Yeah.
- Uh...

Wow.
So you work here?

Oh, I don't fucking work here.

I own the whole freaking building.

- Whoa.
- Oh, wow.

Yeah, I just, uh,
couldn't leave,

- you know, like, after graduation.
- MOLLY: Mm.

Like who does that?

- Everybody. Everybody does that.
- Yeah, well...

- We did it.
- So I was doing my art

and like sort of squatting here,

and then my grandpa died.

- Oh, my God. Hmm.
- Yeah. Yeah.

No, it's okay.
He was an asshole.

- Hmm.
- But like a really rich asshole.

- Mm-mmm.
- Which is how I got this place.

[BOTH LAUGH]

And how's that working for you?

Oh, fucking terrible, man.
Really bad. Um...

Like the first day I got the keys,
there was a black mold scare.

- Oh.
- And then there was the incident

where a student may or may not...

have died after sliding down the pole.

"Pole"?

[♪♪♪]

[GASPS]

Holy mother of fuck pads!

Oh, my God, air hockey!

[CHUCKLES]
Ha!

Oh, my God, the pole.

- SCOTT: Yeah, be careful.
- The pole. That's what just--

The pole!
[GROWLS]

- MOLLY: Get it! Yes.
- SCOTT: Yeah.

- RIP, ladies.
- MOLLY: Uh-huh.

Got a little arcade action.

Alright.
Okay. Okay.

- MOLLY: Wow.
- Bowling bowl.

- MOLLY: Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, Grandpa's.

- PAULIE: Ah! [INDISTINCT]
- Scott, this is perfect.

So, uh, how many months
are we talking about?

Because I'm really behind on my payments.

I was supposed to have
a sorority sign a lease here,

but they pussied out when they heard that
somebody may or may not have died here.

Oh, Scott. I get that someone died here.
You don't need to be vague.

Allegedly.

So you're telling me no one's
even had sex in this hot tub?

Unfortunately, not a single sperm

has entered that chlorinated water.

Okay, so, um, how far behind
on payments are you

before the bank initiates foreclosure?

Uh, 20 grand-ish.

Okay.

Yeah. Um...

I think we can help you out.

- Great. Just don't put it in my name.
- [PAULIE SIGHS]

Hmm.

[ON VIDEO] BOB: ...Elliot Steiner has
single-handedly wrecked the MVP run

of potential first-round draft pick...

Elliot Steiner has single-handedly...

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[♪♪♪]

- What are you doing?
- Trying not to blow our cover.

With a newspaper?
No.

Most of these kids
don't even know what that is.

Just put it down.
Act cool.

Get your phone.
Just relax.

The Upper Decker kid.

- [SHUSHING]
- [CHAIR SCRAPING THE FLOOR]

Okay.
That's the guy who took out

- Demetrius Moss.
- Yes.

He'll be lucky if he gets out
of this semester alive.

Okay, we do not have
until the semester ends.

We have until Homecoming
to get this kid from zero to hero.

Did you just quote Cool as Ice?

Hmm.
Paraphrased, but, yes.

- Well, how do you suppose we do that?
- [SMACKS LIPS] With...

this.

[PHONE ALERT TONE]

- Oh, my God.
- [LAUGHS]

- Holy shit. Is that Demetrius?
- It is. Yeah.

- Is he?
- He is.

- How, dude?
- Well, in-house investigator.

Dude could dig up dirt on Jesus
if we asked him to.

- [SIGHS, MUMBLES]
- Mm.

- Oh.
- [SIGHS]

Uh-oh.

Who's the girl?

Okay.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- He's coming this way.

- He's coming this way!
- Yeah. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Okay.

Just, uh...

- STUDENT: Whoa.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Oh, uh, hey.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hey, hey. Excuse me!
Excuse me! Hi.

- Sorry, you forgot your book.
- Oh, uh, thanks.

BENAZIR BHUTTO: A Biography.

Yeah, the world's first
female Muslim prime minister.

- Yeah, she's great.
- You must be...

what, like a poli-sci major or something?

I'm undeclared actually.

- Oh, me too.
- Same. Same, same.

- Yeah. This is Paulie and I'm Molly.
- Yup, yup, yup. [CLICKS TONGUE]

- Uh...
- And you are?

Elliot.
Elliot Steiner.

- Cool.
- [LAUGHS] Steiner. I hardly know her.

[MOLLY CHUCKLES]
Okay, well, um,

we're actually thinking about
going to Stillwaters in like an hour.

- Would you-- You should come with us.
- Oh, yeah.

- You think I'm an idiot?
- What?

Excuse me. Hi. Hello.
No. No, no, no. No. What?

Some old dude and, and a random
lady just happen to run into me

right after I become a meme.

Whatever you have planned,
I'm not falling for it.

Look, okay, yes.
We... we do know who you are.

But this isn't a trap
or anything like that.

- No, no.
- It's just we know our way around here.

- Yes.
- And, and we've all got a past

- that we wished we could forget.
- Ugh.

Paulie here got so drunk freshman year...

- Oh!
- ...that he passed out in McConnell Hall

and shit his pants in his sleep.

- Remember that?
- Yeah, that was you.

- That was you.
- Details. Anyway the point is,

we all deserve a second chance
at a first impression.

I mean, I-I don't--
I don't even drink, so...

Or, you know, we could, um,
convince the girl to come with us.

- Oh, yeah.
- What girl?

The girl. The girl you're making
googly eyes at while you were eating.

PAULIE: Yeah.

MOLLY: Steiner? Hello?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Uh, I don't have any plans.

- No plans. There you go.
- That's great. Okay, cool.

Okay, so I think we have one
thing to do before we go and that is...

- Shave his balls.
- Pretty Woman montage.

- Pretty Woman montage.
- It's gonna be fun.

["LET'S GET IT" BY DEVMO PLAYING]

MOLLY: It's a little
cowboy for me.

It's like a Brokeback chic,
but not so chic.

- MOLLY: Oh, my God!
- PAULIE: Yeah!

Next.

PAULIE: Yeah!

No. He looks like a K-Pop video
just took a shit on him.

In a good way.

[MOLLY AND PAULIE GROANING]

Ma'am, I think you should just
get rid of that outfit altogether.

It needs to not be in the store.

- The power of Christ compels you.
- Yes, awful.

- [THUDS]
- [MOLLY GASPS]

Yeah!

- Wow, I love this one.
- Yeah.

Done and done.

You know what I'm saying?
You look great.

["THE TOUCH"
BY WELSHLY ARMS PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- [LAUGHTER]

Alright.
Here you go.

Sure Baby Face Nelson there is 21?

Absolutely.

You've seen us in here before.

A hundred times.

Oh, right, Ben, was it?

- God, great to see you.
- [MOLLY LAUGHS]

- Cheers, you guys.
- MOLLY: Yeah.

Mr. Franklin.

Here you are.

So do you guys bring

underaged boys here often?

[CHUCKLES]

Look, that is the least illegal
thing going on around here.

Stillwaters is owned by the Dabrowski family.

You mean the mob guys?

Polish mob.

Why do you think they have 1997 prices?

It's all a front to launder money.
Anything goes.

"You will never find a more
wretched hive of scum and villainy."

So, uh, when's Lindsay getting here?

Who?

Oh, the girl.

- PAULIE: Oh, uh...
- Yes. Lindsay's not coming.

Well, it would have been super weird of
us to just go up to an underage stranger

and ask them to a bar.
[LAUGHS]

That's exactly what you guys did...

- Whoa.
- PAULIE: What is fucking happening?

MOLLY: I'm not sure.

- Is he powering down? What's going on?
- Yo, Punxsutawney Phil,

- get back up here, please.
- PAULIE: Yeah.

- DEMETRIUS: Upper Decker!
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- [MOLLY CLEARS THROAT]
- Showing your face in my bar.

[DEMETRIUS LAUGHS]

Everything okay, fellas?

Yeah, it's cool.

Just a little, uh,
crowded in here.

About one freshman asshole over capacity.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

- [SIGHS] Do your thing, Mol.
- MOLLY: You know,

I'd love to speak with you
in private for a second.

- Huge fan.
- Oh, yeah, sure.

Pretty sure you gonna be alone with
me for more than a second though.

Yeah, yeah,
I don't doubt that. [LAUGHS]

Hey, if he tries to run,
sit on him.

[MOUTHING]

[CHUCKLES]

[NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

You like IPAs?

Wow.
That's just rude.

[INDISTINCT]

- [STUDENT BELCHES]
- Awesome.

[INDISTINCT]

Everyone! Hello.
Please listen up.

Uh, Demetrius here has an announcement.

Alright. So, uh,
everyone, uh,

I would like to speak on the
events that have occurred and, um...

Man, fuck this. Alright, the shit that
happened last week wasn't your fault.

[CROWD GROANING]

Yeah, I think if I'm hearing this correctly,

Demetrius is going on the record to say

that his broken ankle isn't
Elliott Steiner's fault. [STAMMERS]

Am I right about that, Demetrius?

- Correct.
- STUDENT: Whose fault is it?

Barnett University
and its failure to create

distinctive riding
and walking paths on campus.

And Demetrius here will be suing
the university for upwards of, um...

Twenty million dollars.

CROWD: Whoa!

Uh, yeah, sure.
Shoot for the moon.

So, uh, we good, little man.

Hey, yo.
I'm gonna be rich, bitches!

Shots on me.

- Whoo!
- [CROWD CHEERING]

[CROWD CHANTING]
Shot! Shot! Shot!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[♪♪♪]

[GROANING]

[SIGHS]

PAULIE: So I just move that there.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
that's cheating.

No, it's not.
Why can't I go up the slide?

You cannot climb the slide.
That's not how it works.

You climb the ladder
and then you go down the slide.

- That's how-- Okay, my turn.
- But you keep-- Oh, fine.

- Three. Ha-ha.
- Okay.

Three.
One, two, three.

Oh, see?
Ladder.

- Climb.
- [PHONE BUZZING]

- [BUZZING STOPS]
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Van Singer, party liaison.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Uh...
[CHUCKLES]

I am paying you to help my son
get adjusted to college,

not ruin his goddamn life.

I'm not sure what you're talking about

because I've been here for two days.

The Demetrius Moss situation is fixed.

We are taking him to a
rush event later today and...

minimized the MMA-themed
wardrobe by at least 35%.

Tell me you're a freshman in college

without telling me you're a freshman in college.
I'll go first.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CLEARS THROAT]
Okay, I can see

- by the looks of this video--
- [PHONE DINGS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

I don't even feel it!
I don't--

- I don't even feel it!
- Oh, my God!

And that video as well,

it may appear that I'm not in control here,
but I can assure you--

I should have known this was
gonna be a fucking shit show.

You know what?
Just forget it.

Forget the whole thing.
Forget your job. You're done.

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

In one day, I've taken your kid

from wanting to run home with
his tail tucked between his chinos

to wanting to get
the fucking Badger fight song

tattooed on his forehead Post Malone style.

What do you think is gonna
happen if I ghost him now?

Let me get him through rush.

And I promise you,
the freshman tradition

of buying Christmas presents

entirely from the university bookstore

will be well intact.

[SIGHS]

Okay, keep him off the Tok.

And if you ruin his chances
of a future Senate race,

I swear to God I will eat you alive

and bury you in the goddamn desert.

Thanks so much.

[EXHALES]

- Everything good?
- Yeah.

- Refill?
- Yes, please.

- I saw you cheat, by the way.
- No, I didn't.

So officially, we are absolutely
not able to haze you little bitches

in any way shape or form.

But unofficially,
you little douche canoes

better get ready for the suck.

We're gonna have to suck your, like...

[STAMMERS]
What? No.

The suck.
Like from Jarhead.

- [PLEDGE] Uh...
- Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.

Why don't you guys just go play
some cornhole or something.

I just don't think I'm really frat material.

Oh, you're not a fan of relay races
with marshmallows up your butt?

No, no, not at all.

Uh, well, you know, there's a
whole brotherhood hoorah thing.

Formals are fun.

And there are certain other advantages.

Ooh, not ready yet.

Yeah.
Two more semesters.

Three, if your parents are religious.

- What?
- Hm?

Nothing. Nothing. Just that,
enjoy the party. [LAUGHS]

Remind me to check Grindr later.

Oh, hey!

Oh, hey, Elliot.

Steiner, how you holding up?

Uh...

Wait, you all know each other?

Oh, yeah.
We met Elliot

at Stillwaters last night.
[CHUCKLES]

Stillwaters.

- Yeah.
- Wow, how'd you get in there?

- I...
- Oh, he just walked right in

like he owned the place.
They didn't even question him.

Mm. Cool.
[CHUCKLES]

- MOLLY: Very cool. Very cool.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

- MOLLY: Um, okay.
- Um...

Uh, should we get some refills?
We'll surprise you guys.

- Refills for us. Paulie.
- We'll be back.

- Guys.
- So...

So...

Hey, um, I'm really sorry
about Stu the other day.

I just started dating him.

He's sweet, but can be
a little intense sometimes.

No, I'm-- I'm sorry.
I should have knocked.

I didn't see anything,
so don't-- don't worry.

You didn't accidentally sneak a peek?

God, no, no, no,
I wouldn't do that.

I, I-- No, I meant--
I meant they're great.

You're-- you're great.

You're-- you're pretty.

- [EXHALES]
- [PLASTIC CUP CLATTERS]

Good crop this year.

With a few fucking weeds.

What are you doin' here,
perving Peeping Tom next door?

Oh, wait. Babe, be cool.
This is Elliot.

He was just coming by to
apologize for walking in on us.

Dude, I'm--
I'm so sorry. I--

It was a mistake.
I-I didn't mean...

Dude, don't even fucking
worry about it, bro.

You ain't the first chode to hallway
jerk it to me and my girl getting it on.

- You won't be the last.
- "Hallway jerk"? I didn't jerk. I don't--

- Say, you like Jaeger?
- Uh, yeah, I guess.

- Who doesn't? Let's get some.
- Okay.

- I'll introduce you to the brothers.
- Oh, great.

["GAME SET MATCH"
BY SARA JACKSON-HOLMAN PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Time to get a drink, man.

Alright. Hey, listen,
this is Elliot.

Alright.
Chaz, drinks, go.

Go, go, go.

Looks like the boys are coming around.

Something's off.
This guy's got a real

"my dad's lawyer got me probation

for roofing girls" kind of vibe.

That's a very specific vibe, Mol.

Mmm.
It's what I'm getting.

MOLLY: Oh, Lindsay. Hey, girl.

Alright, my brothers and
my brothers' ladies, listen up.

I wanna dedicate this shot

to my boy Elliot here.

Takes a giant set of boss level balls

to show his face around here
after what he did to Dem.

- Am I right?
- CROWD: Yeah!

- Am I right?!
- CROWD: Yeah!

So, let's give him a big Mu welcome!

On three.

One... two... three...

[LAUGHTER]

STU: Jesus!

ELLIOT: Uh...

That's a huge dick!

Elliot!

STU: What a fucking loser, dude.
Fuck that guy.

- Wow, you are not very bright, are you?
- Yeah.

You just did that kid a huge favor.

[STU SCOFFS]
I think I did his parents the favor.

Probably saved them 50 grand in tuition money.

You just showed everyone the
massive secret weapon he's been hiding.

I mean, it wa--
it wasn't that massive.

- I've had a few dicks. It's big.
- Big.

Yeah, well, too bad he won't
step foot in here again.

- MOLLY: Hmm.
- My house, my rules.

Care to make a wager on that, William Cosby?

Mr. Pudding Pop?

Okay, first off,
my name's Stu, Stuart Gable.

- And second--
- Second, I don't give a fuck.

Are you man enough to wager or not?

- Hm?
- What's the wager?

Wager.
Wager is...

- Booze-catholon.
- Booze-catholon.

Saturday.
Our place.

If we win, Elliot gets a bid.

And if I win?

Or, let me rephrase that.

When I win.

I fuck you.

- What the fuck?
- MOLLY: Or...

Another option would be...

- How about...
- Oh, there you go.

Keys?

Yes, the whole car, moron.

- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- The car.

You're on.
You are fucking on!

Yeah! A fucking car, dude.
[GRUNTS]

So much dudebro-ness.

Better get your pussy ready.

- My what?
- PAULIE: Your pussy.

MOLLY: See you Saturday, Stu.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Steiner, open the door.
It's me, Molly.

- ELLIOT: Go away.
- Oh, come on. It's not that bad.

[STAMMERS]
Look, we've all been there.

ELLIOT: We have? When was the
last time that you had your wang exposed

to 100 strangers?

Did you just say "wang"?

ELLIOT: Oh, my God.
Molly, just go away.

Okay, seriously, Elliot,

- we will figure this out. Hm?
- RA #1: Excuse me.

It's quiet hours.
So we need you to wrap it up.

Oh. You know what?
It's so great you're here.

Because I'm a dummy and I just--
I locked myself out of my room.

Uh, well, this is the freshman dorm.

Um, the grad school dorm
is on north campus.

[SCOFFS] First of all,
that is very hurtful.

- RA #1: Well...
- Secondly, I just wanna say,

the two of you are doing one hell of a job.

- [SCOFFS]
- No, I'm serious.

You're goddamn saints.
Let me tell you,

all these drunk, horny freshmen
running around here

like uncaged animals in heat.

All the-- the vomit and the foot
odor and the one weird foreign kid

who insists on cooking his own
meals in the communal kitchen.

- Always gets in my nose.
- How do you handle that?

- How do you do it?
- [RA 2 CRYING]

- [CLIPBOARDS THUDS]
- MOLLY: Whoa. Hey, are you okay?

- [CRYING CONTINUES]
- It's okay.

They're such assholes.

- I know. I know.
- [SOBBING]

- They're monsters.
- I know. I know.

[DOORS OPENING]

You're all monsters!

Wow, so much for quiet time.

RA #2: They never trained us for this.

Oh, everything's fine.

- Everything's good. Okay.
- [DOORS CLOSING]

- You're alright. Pull it together.
- [BREATHES HEAVILY]

I know it is tough out there,
but right now...

I need your help.
I do.

I need to do a welfare check
on Steiner in there.

I met him at a counseling center a week ago

and he has been sending me
some very alarming text messages

this evening.

- RA #1: Like what?
- RA #2: Alarming like...?

- [IMITATES SLASHING]
- RA #2: Oh, oh.

- RA #1: Okay, okay, okay.
- Blood. Everywhere.

- RA #1: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, get us in there. Come on.

Whoa.
What the hell!

- [SIGHS]
- Steiner! Thank God you're okay.

Oh, I was worried sick.
[SIGHS]

You look great.
Perfect.

Alright, you two.

You have no idea what difference
you just made in this kid's life.

- We matter.
- Okay, now it's time to go.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Oh, yeah. Um,
by the way, it's...

- It's still fucking quiet hours, so...
- Oh, yes.

- Cool.
- Shh.

- Phew.
- Are you just trying

to ruin my life?
Is that it, or...?

No. What?
No, just the opposite.

I'm trying to get you to, you know,
grab life by the tits and embrace it.

Come on, college is supposed to
be like the greatest time in your life.

It is not the greatest time of my life.

Everyone wants it to be.
You, my mom.

But it-- it isn't
and it never will because...

Because you're a virgin?
Look, we can fix that.

- Okay, we--
- No, no, because it just feels like

that it's not even my fucking life anymore.

And it's just a reminder
of the absence of my dad.

Like I'm his fucking Avatar.

Hm, well, that is a great movie.

- Who the fuck says that?!
- Sorry.

I don't know why I said that.
That's not...

I just-- I don't, I don't even know
what I wanna do with my life,

let alone what I'm gonna do here.
Like I-I... [SIGHS]

I just-- I know I just don't wanna
be sad all the time anymore.

Hmm...

Wow.
Yeah.

[BOTH SIGH]

Look, I-I have no idea what it
must feel like to lose your dad.

But I do know what it's like to have
no idea what you wanna do in your life.

Hey, at least you care, you know?

You're not all numb to it
and fucked up on antidepressants

in a career that most people would dream of,

but you're just so damn unhappy

working every day with people at their worst

fighting over who's gonna get
to keep the fucking smart toaster.

Sorry, yeah, that's just an example
of someone completely random

who is definitely more lost than you are.

Listen.

Give me one more chance.

And if I can't prove to you by tomorrow

that the best is yet to come,

then Paulie and I will go.

We will vanish into the night.

Why do you wanna help me so much?

[EXHALES]

Just think of me as your little Jiminy Cricket

on your shoulder hanging out,

trying to convince you
to be young and have fun.

And to get fucked up.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Alright. Gotta get the party feng shui here.

- Where do you want this?
- Oh, that's a good spot for it.

Just back up a little bit.

No. Go towards Steiner.
Go towards Steiner.

A little bit more.
Nope, nope, nope.

[PAULIE AND ELLIOT GRUNTING]

Hey, Mol.
"Jews will not replace us.

- Jews will not replace us."
- Uh-uh. No, absolutely not.

Yep, out of bounds.
I felt that almost immediately.

- ELLIOT: Wait.
- MOLLY: No, no. No.

Steiner, you come back now.
Yeah, we're just trying to even that out.

Oh, wait, stop.
Yeah, that's perfect.

- Is it? You sure?
- Yeah, that's good.

Maybe just a little bit over here.

["BAD ASS SELF" (FEAT. KENNZO) BY LACK OF AFRO PLAYING]

Are you guys sure about this?

Oh, absolutely, Steiner.

This vitamin drip will keep us sober

- well into the later rounds.
- Yeah, it's the same shit

they give to Armstrong for Tour de France.

- What?
- Relax, I'm joking. Geez.

[CHUCKLES]

ELLIOT: Why am I cold?

Oh, yeah,
just let that happen.

- Mm-hmm.
- Let it happen.

["SOMETHING SO GOOD" BY NAFFY COUS COUS PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

This is your party, sir.
Take it all in

because you are the coolest guy in the room.

- I don't know about that.
- Oh, yeah, you are.

- Come on. Seriously.
- [DOOR OPENS]

No. Patience, young Padawan.
Patience.

Singer is gonna get her to come to you.

Who's Singer?

Molly. I call her "Singer" sometimes
because she loves karaoke.

[LAUGHS]
But she can't sing.

Just shut the fuck up
and just pay attention.

Goddamn.

This party is sick.

Yeah, how does a student
afford a place like this?

I heard the Asian dude's a movie star.

Chaz.
Beer.

Fuck off.
Now.

You seem tense.

No, I'm good.
There's ice in these pipes, baby.

[GROANS]

IPAs.

Even their beer thinks it's better than me.

Well, hello, Miss Lindsay
and a whole bunch of dudes.

How are we doing tonight?

- We were just conversing.
- MOLLY: Oh.

How does a student afford a place like this?

Oh, well, um, you know how
Imelda Marcos has like a lot of shoes?

Well, Paulie's mom has more.

Who the fuck is Imelda Marcos?

Yeah, I'm just saying that they're rich.

- Really fucking rich.
- Okay.

Uh, is this your team?

Yep.
And I assume it's you,

Kung Flu, and Home Phone over there?

[FRAT BROTHERS LAUGH]

Okay, first off, racist.

Second, it's, uh, Phone Home.

But, um, anyway, our fourth
had to drop out unexpectedly

and I was hoping Lindsay could step in.

- Lindsay?
- Me?

- Yeah.
- [SCOFFS]

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

W-wait.
Why are you speaking for me?

Because you're here with me.

What, you just think
I'm just gonna let you run off--

You don't have to let me do anything.
It's my decision.

- I'm in.
- MOLLY: Oh, yeah. Get it, girl.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the first annual
Firehouse Booze-catholon!

[CHEERING]

Yes.

Presented to you by my man,
the one, the only,

Mr. Upper Decker with huge lower decker!

He has a huge dick!

It's Elliot Steiner!

Yeah!

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

Now, this will be a test
of will and endurance

- between the forces of Ki Mu...
- ALL: Mu!

...and myself, those two--

We-- we don't really have a team name,

but you know, you get the, uh,
point there.

So if we win,
Elliot gets a bid into Ki Mu,

but if we lose...
Ho-ho-ho.

If we lose, Stuart Gable gets to
drive off with my baby Beamer--

No!

- [CROWD BOOING]
- [GROANS] No!

- Big boo! Big boo!
- Mine.

Alright. You are all witnesses
as well as judges.

Let the games begin!

- Whoo!
- [CROWD CHEERING]

BOB: In what once would have taken place

on the sands of the Roman Colosseum,

this is the Booze-Catholon.

Five events that could
only have been conceived

at a liberal arts college near you.

First up, King's Cup.

[ALL GROANING]

Ladies of the night.

Mmm.
[EXHALES]

Nine.
It's a rhyme.

- Stack.
- BOB: Molly testing...

- Um, Black.
- ...the short-term memory

- of these binge-drinkers with a rhyme.
- Tack.

STU: Jacked.

- Black!
- BOB: I can smell the student loans

not being paid back by this Chaz kid.

How hard is it to fucking rhyme, Chaz?

[CROWD OOHING]

BOB: Johnny pays homage to the crowd

as does young Steiner.

[GROANS]
Oh!

BOB: That pitcher is filling up
faster than these kids' bladders.

And that seals it, folks.

The last king goes to Greg from Ki Mu.

[CROWD CHANTING]
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.

BOB: Greg's showing the chugging ability

of a toddler enjoying his sippy cup.

Having a drinking contest
without Beer Pong

is like an orgy without a pivot person.

Beer Pong consists of-- Ugh.
You know what? No. No.

If you don't know what Beer Pong is,

you need to focus more
on the fucking rock

that you've been living under.

Let's just see where this goes.

[♪♪♪]

Gable lining up this last shot
with the same blind confidence

that allowed him to walk out of
the door with that shirt on tonight.

Bang!

And the boys from Ki Mu

draw even with Team Molly.

Congratulations, you won the
McDonald's of fucking drinking games.

Basic bro.

[♪♪♪]

[CROWD CHEERING CONTINUES]

BOB: Steiner drops the thumb on the table

and once again Chaz proved to be
as sharp as a goddamn bowling ball.

The Mu's Johnny fails to remove
the Invisible Man

and will be downing
the remainder of his brew.

Stu Gable drops the last card.
What is this?

[CROWD CLAMORING]

MOLLY: I want your shorts on your head, please.

BOB: No word if he's going commando,

though as white as those shorts are,
I would hope to God not.

The pile is getting thick and
the natives are getting restless.

[CROWD GROANING]

Pop off that shirt.

Mmm?
Excuse me?

Stu, what are you doing?
You won.

No, she made me wear my shorts as a hat.

Now, I'm the king.
You're the asshole.

Pop off that fucking shirt.

Alright, yeah.
He's right.

And you are the king after all, so...

Shirt's coming off.

[INDISTINCT]

BOB: Holy shit,
Peter, look out!

It's a trap.

[INDISTINCT]

Put your shirt back on.

It is a little stuffy.
I think I'll just keep it off.

Put your shirt back on.

I don't know,
I'm feeling good like this.

You know that's not true.

- Tell her.
- BOB: A victory for Ki Mu

turns into a moral defeat for Gable...

- Please.
- ...and his cable.

Ki Mu really testing
their lung capacity and IQs

as they try and blow
the perfect smoke ring.

Meanwhile, Paulie, the prince,
gives Ki Mu his resting O face

as he blows three perfect rings,

and we are tied going into the final event.

[EXHALES] Alright.
Fucking hands off.

- [CROWD OOHING]
- [LAUGHS]

[SARCASTIC LAUGH]

[MOLLY CLEARS THROAT]

[MOLLY GROANS]

Yeah!
Attaboy!

You know what?

[CLICKS TONGUE]

[CROWD GROANING]

MOLLY: And then there were two.

- [LAUGHS]
- What are you doing?

Letting you handle it.

- Hey. Whoa, Elliot.
- Or maybe one.

Where are you going?

Why did you do that?
We could have had him.

Okay. Whoa, whoa,
we do still have him.

- You have him.
- No, we don't.

I mean, have you seen that guy?

You're not fighting in the fucking octagon.

This is a game of skill.

- Yes, he is.
- What?

Elliot, this your octagon.

It's Sarah versus Carter,
UFC 31.

Yeah. Yes. Sierra Mist
versus Aaron Carter, or...

Look, okay, no.

- [SIGHS]
- This is a defining moment.

Now what's it gonna be?

Hm?

[CHUCKLES]

MOLLY: Yeah! Alright!

GUEST: Yo, look who's back.

BOB: It's not over yet, folks,

as it appears that Steiner
is ready to re-engage.

[SCOFFS] What, did you grow
some balls out there or something?

Yeah.

I doubt that.

BOB: Dynamite back and forth

between two wordsmiths.

- Come on. Nice and easy.
- Chaz, do not touch.

BOB: The steady hand of
the third-year senior raises up.

- [CROWD GROANING]
- BOB: Whammo!

Gable gambles and wins

and Steiner has a cricket's
cock of a chance of winning this.

Here's the pour.

Holy shit, he did it!

- GUEST #1: Hey!
- GUEST #2: Nice!

[CROWD CLAMORING]

[SIGHS HEAVILY]

GREG: Alright, man.
Breathe. Breathe.

I'm fucking breathing.

[HUFFS AIR]

[GROANING]

- [CROWD CHEERING]
- BOB: Skadoosh! It's over!

The Upper Decker meets redemption.

Stu Gable meets rejection

and there is a fat guy
in the corner puking.

It's like I'm watching Rudy
for the first fucking time.

[LINDSAY LAUGHING]
I can't believe you did that.

Oh, my God.
I'm scared.

[GASPS]
Jump.

[GIGGLES]

- [GRUNTS, EXHALES]
- Aah! [GIGGLES, GASPS]

Wait. Wait, wait, wait.

I have to ask you a very important question.

What?

How far are the dorms?

Oh, pfft...
Not even that far.

Yeah, that's like really fucking far.

Oh, rats.
[GRUNTS]

- [BOTH LAUGH]
- [PHONE BUZZING]

[GASPS]
Ooh!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, my God.
Look at his abs.

They look like the bottom
of a carton of eggs.

He's called you,
like, seven times.

You should probably call him back.

I mean, I don't think you'd
like him when he's angry.

[LAUGHS] Are you trying to say
that I'm dating the Hulk?

Well, I mean, I don't know
if he has the charm of the Hulk,

- but I mean...
- [LAUGHS]

he's got the abs, so kinda.

No, seriously you should
probably call him back.

I mean, he is your guy.

["WHAT I CAME HERE FOR" BY LUCA FOGALE PLAYING]

Elliot Steiner...

I think that you are my guy.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey, wait! You two! Right there.

No, no, no. No whoopee in the
amphitheater and you know it.

- Get on back to the dorms now.
- [ELLIOT AND LINDSAY LAUGHING]

It's not a rabbit hutch.

Sorry, sir!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Sorry. I didn't know if I should have left.

I didn't really feel right
about leaving you alone, so...

LINDSAY: I don't mind.

Pretty chivalrous actually.

Come here.

[GROANS]
I really wanna kiss you right now,

but it feels like a cat peed in my mouth.

That's so tempting.
I might just risk it.

Oh, you might risk it?

- I think so. Yeah.
- Mm, you do?

- Oh, God. Okay, that was-- that was bad.
- Fucker.

What were you watching?

Just an old show called The Pit.

Why do you like fighting so much?

Um...

A couple of years ago,
when my dad got sick,

uh, he just got really,
really depressed. And...

uh, we were watching TV one night.

Um, we were just surfing the channels

and I stopped on this show
about this MMA fighter

who was diagnosed with leukemia.

I think seeing two guys,
one in a similar situation to his

just beat the living shit
out of each other

really fired him up to beat his own disease.

And did he?

For another year.

Oh, he sounds like a really great guy.

Yeah, he was.

You're a pretty good guy too, you know?

Are you just trying to butter me up
for another cat pee kiss?

Actually, I was trying
to butter you up for some coffee.

- Oh, okay. Well, I'll get some.
- No, come here.

[♪♪♪]

MOLLY: I can't believe it's already Homecoming.

It feels like we just got here.

Anyway, after the game,
I was thinking...

Uh, Paulie, what is going on
with all this action?

I've got a test tomorrow and
my memory is not what it used to be.

So if I just write it over and over,
maybe I'll remember.

No, no, no. I was talking more global,
like, what's with all the action?

- All the books and stuff.
- [SIGHS]

Okay.
So a few weeks ago,

I saw this cute TA
walk into the psych building.

- Mm-hmm.
- So I followed him.

- Naturally.
- Right.

Didn't matter 'cause the minute
I walked in, I lost him.

Fricking six-foot-three gazelle.
I don't know how.

But it turns out, I wandered
into one of the lecture halls.

Saucy.

Sat down,
listened for a minute,

and it was a lecture
on early adolescent psychology.

- Hot.
- Tsk. You can stop.

- Oh, yeah, right.
- Long story short,

I like what I heard,
so I went to another one.

What?

- I know.
- Paulie!

And another one.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.
You're like a... student here.

I think I am.

- [SIGHS]
- That's great.

I'm really happy for you.

- You are?
- Mm-hmm.

So happy you'll leave me alone so I can study?

Yeah, I'll leave you alone

- so you can study.
- Yeah. Alright.

- You know what? Steiner.
- Alright.

- Get me a burrito or something?
- Oh, yeah.

- Thank you.
- You want that brain burrito?

- Yes, please. Yes, please.
- Okay. Good for you.

- Love ya.
- Bye. Love you.

- Hey, Steiner. Ugh. Wait up.
- Hey.

- What you up to?
- I'm just headed to class.

- Oh, my God, it's spreading.
- What?

Ah, no.
Not important.

I just, um, you know,
I haven't seen you in a while.

Wanted to make sure everything's okay.

Yeah, yeah, I just, um,
I've been busy

with the other pledges
and Lindsay, and it's just...

Ah, trading us in for a younger model.

What? No, no, no, no,
not at all. I, I...

I'm just fucking with you, Steiner.
It's all good.

- [RELIEVED SIGH]
- I think it's great.

Lindsay's great.

But, hey, I'm still gonna see
you at Tequila Sunrise, right?

- Yeah, of course.
- Okay. Well, then I'll--

I'll just let you get to class.

Where are you off to?

I, uh, I have a little
homework situation myself.

- Oh, well, I'll catch you later.
- Okay.

Oh.

[EXHALES]

WOMAN: Mm. I know we're coming
down this weekend with Mom and Dad,

but when I found out my little
baby brother was in the city...

[LAUGHS] I just knew I had
to get some real food in ya.

[CLEARS THROAT, SMACKS LIPS]

Well, you are really digging into that.

[LAUGHS]
I guess they don't have

any rib eyes on campus, huh?

I mean, dining hall's pretty
much a Hometown Buffet, so...

Gross. Oh, anyhoo,
how was the interview?

Ugh, I know Dad is so excited to have
you interning at the firm this summer.

It was great. A lot of talent over there, though.
I'll tell you what.

It'll be a good summer for the Stu man,
if you know what I'm saying.

- Oh, yeah, I get that.
- [SLURPING]

[SIGHS]

- Goddammit.
- Ugh. I know.

- The service here is abysmal.
- [GLASS CLINKS]

- Excuse me.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Just a bitch I go to school with.

I'm just not sure I like you
actually using that--

That bitch?

Molly Singer.

No, Molly Sutter.

- Singer.
- No. Sutter.

- Singer.
- No. Sutter.

- Singer!
- Sutter!

That girl sitting at the bar
right now is Molly Singer.

I went to school with her.
She made my life a living hell.

That girl right there is Molly Sutter.

I go to school with her.

She's friends with this asshole Asian,

shows up at every single
fucking frat party I have.

- Must think he's--
- Paulie.

Come on.
We're leaving.

Something smells rotten here.

And it is not the fish.

Wait a minute.
Can I just finish my steak?

Stuart!

Oh, gotta admit, you really
changed my opinion of you, Molly.

Really?

Yeah.

We lost so much money on Pebblebrook,

I had to lay people off.

Jesus.

Yeah, well, it was just Nelson.

Oh, well, that I could see.

So, Elliot.
Tell me everything.

Every little detail gets
you closer to being rehired.

Oh, uh, Elliot.

Well, he's nice as hell.
A little too nice.

We've been working on that.

And he, uh,
overanalyzes everything.

But when he takes a leap on
something, he really commits.

You know, and I feel like he's
walking this perfect tightrope

of having the world chew
him up and spit him out

or single-handedly
changing it for the better.

That was Carl.

You know, I used to think
naivete was a-- a flaw.

I saw it in Elliot.

I think that's why I acted like
such as tiger mom on steroids.

I just wanted to protect him
from it all, you know?

Well, take it from someone
who has met and dated

every shithead this planet has to offer.

He's a really good kid.

And you should be proud.

You both should.

Anyway, um, I was thinking
after Homecoming this weekend,

you could come back and, you know,
start generating some billable hours.

I've got a really messy divorce
with a 200-page prenup

that's got your name all over it.

- [BREATHES HEAVILY] Oh...
- So...

- To Molly Singer.
- Okay.

I hope your second time around was fun.

And welcome back to reality.

Are you sure we can trust these guys?

Yes, these are my boys.

- We're gonna fuck shit up. Right, guys?
- Right.

- Yeah. Yup.
- Yeah.

Does anyone have to make before we leave?

- No, we're good. Let's go.
- Okay.

- [ENGINE STARTS]
- [MUMBLING]

Goddammit, Chaz.

[SIGHS]

PAULIE: Yo, yo.

- Yo.
- Oh, sweet. Beers.

- Yeah, I got you.
- Perfect.

[GROANS]

A little, uh, memory lane action?
What brings these out?

I, uh, went to the old
apartment in town today.

Ah. Got me feeling
a little nostalgic, I guess.

Well, how very Homecoming of you.

- Mm.
- [SMACKS LIPS]

So as someone who
has done it all over again,

how's it going?

Mm. I don't know.
Kind of the same.

I guess I just have a lot of, uh,

you know, questions and no answers.

You wanna know what I learned
this time around?

Mmm.
What?

Pride is a double-edged sword.

Right? You're always on my case
about that foolish pride of mine.

Well, Miss Nostalgia,
let's talk about pride, pride.

Remember that first parade we went to?

Oh, that weekend.
I think we murdered a few good brain cells.

Oh, yeah. That's what pride's
all about. Right?

It's about celebrating your authentic self

and twinks in Speedos
and the rainbow floats

- and dikes on bikes.
- [LAUGHS]

And that's fun to do,
like, one weekend a year,

but then there are those queens
who do it all the time.

It's not about the celebration anymore.
It's about chasing the high

and they forget what pride
was for in the first place.

And the next thing you know, you're 52,

you got skin of leather,
you're addicted to meth,

you're sitting at a bus stop with
your jock strap all hanging out

and you're talking
to some imaginary friend.

I'm sorry, is this story going somewhere?

Yeah. Just...
[CHUCKLES]

Don't be the old queen, Molly.

Just don't lose sight of the road ahead.

- [INHALES DEEPLY] Mm.
- [SIGHS]

Speaking of which,
what's up with the kid?

What do you mean?

The longer this thing goes on,

the worse it's gonna be when he finds out.

I was kind of just hoping
I could disappear

and not mention the whole
Brenda hiring me thing.

[SIGHS]

Should I just give you the
meth dealer's number now, or...

[SIGHS]

Hey, I love you, kid.

I do.

- Love you.
- [SIGHS]

I will see you in a few hours.

I'm gonna go to bed with this guy.

Mmm.
Nice guy.

- Good night.
- [CHUCKLES]

[EXHALES]

[♪♪♪]

COACH: Five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four.

- Go Condors! Go!
- CHEERLEADERS: Go!

Five.

Win!

Go, five, win!

- Yes!
- [CHEERING]

Nice!
Great work, guys.

Heather, way to stick that landing.

Sully, I need you sliding in
a little sooner, okay?

Guys, get some rest.
The bus leaves at 10 a.m. tomorrow.

Awesome job!
Great job.

- Jeff, do not be late.
- Bye, guys.

SULLY: Hey, guys,
a little help with the, uh...

Okay.
Fuck me, I guess, right?

Goddammit.

Goddammit!

[DOOR OPENS]

SULLY: Hello?

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

What the fuck?

What's with the masks, guys?

Oh, fuck.

["EYES ON THIS" BY MUNNYCAT PLAYING]

SULLY: Whoo!
[GRUNTS]

- Whoa!
- [JOHNNY GRUNTS]

[SULLY PANTING]
Oh.

STU: Try that shit on me, bitch.

- [CLUCKS]
- [GRUNTS]

- [CLUCKS]
- STU: What the fuck was that?

SULLY: Thought these wings
were just for show, huh? Whoo!

- Oh, shit.
- [CHAZ GRUNTS]

SULLY: Ow! Ow.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

- What the fuck did you do?
- [SULLY GROANS]

STU: Grab him!
Get him. Come on!

Just grab him!
Get him!

Get him, get him, get him!
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- [BANGS, THUDS]
- Ow!

Fuck.
Did we kill him?

STU: What do you mean "we"? You.

Where the fuck did you get
a golf club anyway?

It was in the back of the car.

[SIGHS] Alright, you guys grab his legs,
I got his beak. Let's go.

["IT'S LIKE WHOA!" BY LADY BRI PLAYING]

GREG: I got the arm.

- STU: Chaz, get a hold of him.
- CHAZ: I got him. I got him.

You better pray this fucking
asshat wakes up. Come on!

- You guys go first. Let's go.
- GREG: Alright.

[TRINA GRUNTS]

He smells like death.
[COUGHS]

Yeah, well, look where I'm standing.

Oh, you've got it bad, huh?

- She's pretty amazing, huh?
- [MOLLY CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Listen, um, I wanted to tell you something

- for a while.
- What?

Uh, I just wanted
to say thank you.

Meeting you and Paulie has been...

the best thing that's ever happened to me.

- It means the world. Thank you.
- Mm.

Yeah, you know, um...

Elliot, I, uh...

I just-- I think you're...

You're a good egg.

One of the best.

Why don't you get out there?
She's waiting on you.

- Alright.
- Yeah, get to dancing.

[SIGHS]

See you flip out of that, bird bitch.

SULLY: Look, I don't know what you want.

If this is for ransom,
my parents aren't rich.

If-- if this is for some furry fetish thing,

at least give me some drugs
so I don't remember.

- What is this?
- Do your job, Stu--

Elliot.
[CLEARS THROAT]

"Oh, man, I can't believe we
got away with this, Molly Singer."

"I know it, Elliot Steiner."

SULLY: Why are you using your full names?

We're Scientologist. Okay.
Like I said, "Elliott Steiner.

This will totally show
those Hill--" [CLEARS THROAT]

"...Hell-hurst assholes

that you and your Ki Mu brothers rule campus."

- Go Badgers!
- Go Badgers!

SULLY: Wait, this--
this is a Homecoming prank?

[LAUGHS]
What is this? 1969?

I'm gonna sue the shit out of you,
uh, Elliot Steiner, and, and--

- What-- what's your name?
- Molly Singer. Molly Singer.

- Her name's Molly Singer.
- Molly Singer.

- Molly Singer! Fuck off!
- You have a good day, sir.

SULLY: I'm gonna fucking kill you!

[GROANS]

You're both so screwed!

[CLUCKS]

[ENGINE STARTS]

- CHAZ: Hey, hey, hey, Stu!
- Go, go, go! Go, come on!

MOLLY: Guys, I think Paulie
was line dancing when we left.

- [LAUGHTER]
- [PHONE BUZZING]

LINDSAY: Hello?

Wait. Where are you?

Okay, uh, no, it-- it's fine.
I'll be right there.

I gotta go.
My roommate got locked out again

and the RAs refused to let her in
because she keeps losing her key.

- Do you want me to go with you?
- No, it's fine.

I'm gonna crash for a couple hours anyways,

but we should walk over
to the game together.

Sounds good to me.

- I had a really good time.
- Me too.

- See you, Mol.
- MOLLY: Later, Linds.

Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Steiner, smooth looks good on you.

What the fuck?

SULLY: Hello?

Uh...

Hello?

SULLY: Get me the fuck out of here!

Right here,
I'm right here.

What's that smell?

SULLY: It's me, okay, asshole!

I had four Gatorades and I've been
locked in this suit all night.

- [SIREN WAILING]
- [TIRES SCREECHING]

Well, I'm just gonna grab that head, okay?

- Coming in.
- SULLY: Yup. Easy.

- Easy. Easy with--
- [GRUNTS]

- [GROANS] My ear!
- Sorry!

[SULLY COUGHS]

I'm gonna sue you!

And you too. Are you fucking insane?
We're not even good at sports!

- My-- my dad's brother.
- Your uncle?

Yes. My uncle.
He's a fucking lawyer.

Hmm.

He's gonna eat your assholes for breakfast.

- [GRUNTS]
- [GROANS]

- Okay.
- All up in there.

I think we should, uh,
get you out of here.

- I'm just gonna, uh... Okay.
- SULLY: Analingus.

MOLLY: Undo you.

- What the... What is going on here?
- [DOOR SLAMS]

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Freeze, freeze, freeze!

- Elliot Steiner.
- Me?

- OFFICER #1: Molly Singer?
- Yes?

That's Molly Singer.
That's the psychopath that kidnapped me.

Wait, what?

Who's Molly Singer?

Are you ever gonna talk to me again?

Okay, fair enough.
I deserve that.

[HISSES]

You gonna eat that sandwich they give you?

I didn't get a sandwich.

Oh, you will.
You will.

- And when you do...
- Yeah, yeah, it's all yours.

Fuck, yeah!
You're my guy.

You meet the nicest people in jail.

[MUMBLING]
Ooh, yeah. Oh, oh...

- [SLIGHT CHUCKLE]
- Were you ever gonna tell me

that you're working for my mom?

Honestly, I...
I don't know. I had no...

No exit strategy.

I just thought I'd-- I'd meet you,
pump a few beers in you and--

Beers?
Hey, now we're talking.

- Oh, I-- I'm just gonna...
- You like beer?

I had an IPA the other day
called a Crunchy Rooster.

My entire blueprint for this
whole plan was like weird science,

for Christ's sake,
but I didn't...

- [SIGHS]
- But?

But...

I didn't realize how much I'd like you

and-- and what great friends we'd be, you know?

Friends?
Friends.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

OFFICER: Steiner, Elliot M.

- Oh.
- That's me.

OFFICER: You made bail.
Let's go.

Hey, that's great, right?

You know, I thought we'd be friends too.

Steiner, come on--
Okay, I guess I didn't make bail.

You can't make bail till Monday.
[LAUGHS]

You're a lawyer.
You should know that.

What about him?

Looks like he had a better lawyer than you.

[SIGHS]

Oh, thank God. Finally.
Are you okay?

Hey, Elliot, where are you going?

Goddammit.
This is not a walk away scenario.

Stop it! I don't have
the shoes to chase you.

What do you want from me?

No.
Uh-uh.

You do not get to have an attitude with me.

I am not the one that went out
and got drunk at five in the morning

and then went and kidnapped a goddamn eagle.

It was a condor.

Who the fuck cares what it was?!

You literally hired some chick from
your office to infiltrate my school,

pretend to be my best friend
and spy on me.

That is an excellent point.

- Jesus Christ.
- But--

Where are you going?

To my dorm room.

That is until they expel me.

Damn it.

["PINK PILLS" BY FLOYD WONDER PLAYING]

What do you think?

Too veiny or not veiny enough?

I mean, some people like a veiny ding-dong.

Alright, Dick-casso. I'm gonna need you,
like, five feet over there.

["PINK PILLS" PLAYING CONTINUES]

OFFICER: Alright, Singer,
you just made bail.

Thank you for bailing me out.

Oh, thank your platinum card.
So now what?

Well, I have to get dressed
for court this morning

to defend myself in a kidnapping charge

and I need you to help figure
out who the hell set us up.

Hmm.
That's a tough one, Singer.

Whose cornflakes have we been
squatting into all semester?

Fucking Stu.

- There she is.
- Huh.

[REVVING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Hi. Hello. Hi.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- Yeah, we didn't do anything.

Oh, you think I don't know that?

Doesn't matter.
You can't prove any of it.

You got my son in this frigging mess.

Yeah, I know.
I'm gonna just...

BAILIFF: All rise.

The Honorable Raymond Palmer presiding.

Be seated.

Look at this good-looking group.

Alright.
What do we have this morning?

Mr. Elliott Steiner and Miss Molly Singer,
are you present today?

- Yes, Your Honor.
- Yes, Your Honor.

Good start.
Okay.

You two are accused of kidnapping

one Mr. Sully Moran, a human being,

and it says here,
the Fighting Condor mascot

from Hillhurst University.
Are you kidding me?

Mike.

- Yes, Judge.
- Yeah. Can we call the law clerk,

make sure these are not the type of cases

- we start a Monday with?
- Okay.

Yeah.
It really feels like, uh,

mascot kidnapping is a
Tuesday afternoon sort of case.

- Okay.
- Great.

How do you two plead?

Your Honor, may I make a brief statement?

For the sake of throwing all
points of law out the window? No.

- What are you doing?
- Ooh, here she comes.

Your Honor, I realize this is just a
plea hearing, but I plead with you.

Please listen to me for a moment.

Though I can categorically deny
any involvement

in the kidnapping of a
stuffed condor, I implore you,

Mr. Steiner had absolutely
nothing to do with it.

Any punishment should be directed solely
on myself as I was acting as his guardian,

and any actions taken by him would
have been done under my direction.

So I moved that all charges be dropped
for Mr. Steiner and directed to me.

Myself.

I.

Wow, Mike.
[EXHALES]

Ay-ay-ay, Miss Singer, that was
certainly a gallant gesture on your part.

Thank you, Your Honor.

And absolutely devoid

of literally any semblance
of legal merit.

- [STU CHUCKLES]
- JUDGE: So... I'm sorry,

do we have something to add
from the gallery?

Uh, no, I'm sorry, Your Judge,
or, I mean, Your Honor.

I'm sorry.

JUDGE: Great. That being said,
Mr. Steiner, how do you plead?

Not guilty, Your Honor.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Ms. Singer?

- Not guilty.
- Great.

Mr. Steiner, I see that
you have counsel present.

Um, Miss Singer,
where's your counsel?

I will be representing myself, Your Honor.

Ms. Steiner, would you be
interested in a two-for-one?

Oh, no, no, I'm not.

Great.
Then may I suggest

you take your shoe
and toss it out in the hallway?

And maybe you can clock another lawyer

that can help you with your case.

We're gonna take an hour recess
and press on.

BAILIFF: All rise.

I know he's not at the Ki Mu house
because the asshole is here

and he's with Poles.

Yes. I'm telling you,
these two are in it together.

Oh, my God. She's walking up to me.
Right now would be a really good time

to find something, Paulie.
Gotta go.

Uh, Poles, what the hell
are you doing here?

- I have a case downstairs.
- Oh.

Mmm.
But I heard about this and...

- Well, I had to see for myself.
- Yeah.

- And--
- And Stu, how did you two meet?

At a hate group convention
or is he just one of your hand job pals?

[LAUGHS]
Hand job pals.

Oh, I guess you couldn't even be bothered
to even remember my maiden name.

Even though we were in the
same pledge class. I'll wait.

Gable?

And when I found out you
were making my little brother's life

- as miserable as you made mine...
- Hmm.

I knew I had to stop you.

So I'm gonna be there
when they march you into prison.

How do you like those hand jobs?

It was worth the carpal tunnel.
[SMACKS LIPS]

Oh, come on, Paulie.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, God.
Okay.

Think, Paulie.
There's gotta be something. [GROANS]

If somebody else died here,
I'm so screwed.

- Relax, no one's dead. Okay?
- Cool.

Some prick kidnapped the Hillhurst
mascot and is trying to frame Molly

and that Steiner kid
we've been hanging out with.

Ugh. Classic college bully move.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
So I need something,

anything to keep my best friend out of jail.

Oh, uh... Ugh.

[MUMBLING] Should I tell him?
Should I...

If, if I show you something,

you promise to keep it top secret?
Shh!

- Maybe.
- Walk this way.

Okay.

Where are you taking me?
I don't have time for this.

I need to find some evidence that will...

- Trust me. It's worth it.
- ...break the case.

- Okay. But what are we doing here?
- If I told you...

- I'm waiting.
- I'm waiting too.

- [THUDS]
- Oh, come on.

Voila.

What the actual fuck?

What am I looking at here, Scott?

Okay, okay. Before you think
that I'm a total creepy perv,

it's just a mustache
and some cameras.

So after the pole incident,
I got really paranoid.

So it started off with one camera

and now we're looking at, uh,
six of these big boys.

You sick Sliver watching motherfucker!

Please tell me these things record.

- Fuck, yeah, they do.
- Sweet!

Again, not a perv.
Just paranoid.

- Most of the time. [COUGHS]
- Okay.

I occasionally come in here and whack it.

Not often though.

MOLLY: Can I sit?

Yeah, go ahead.

Alright.

[EXHALES]

So, how's Lindsay?

- She's good.
- Good.

You know, no matter how much
I-- I do wanna hate you,

I do realize that I would have never
had the courage to talk to her again.

Really, the courage to do anything.

So whether you were paid
or not to do it, thank you.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I think I should be
the one thanking you

'cause without you,
I never would have realized

that my best years are yet to come.

Not just in my rearview.

But I'm really sorry I didn't say anything.

We're gonna go to fucking jail, aren't we?

[LAUGHS, INHALES]

No. No, we are not,
not going to jail.

Got my best guy on it.

[PAULIE YELLING DISTANTLY]
Molly Singer!

I swear to God, I didn't know
that was gonna happen.

Singer! Molly!
[PANTING]

- Paulie?
- [GRUNTS] Got it!

- Hmm. I guess you got something.
- [PANTING]

- Yeah.
- Some information we need or something?

- Are you okay?
- [GRUNTS]

- Not okay.
- [WHEEZING]

And wheezing a lot.

- Uh...
- [MUMBLING]

Alright, so what am I looking at here?

Your Honor, new evidence has come to light
that clears my client and Miss Singer.

You didn't think to lead with it?

Well, it just became available to
us a few minutes ago, Your Honor.

Good.

[ON VIDEO] STU: "Oh, man, I can't believe
we got away with this, Molly Singer."

"I know it, Elliot Steiner."

SULLY: Why are you using your full names?

Is that the jackhole that was
laughing in my courtroom this morning?

- TRINA: Elliot Steiner...
- Stuart Gable.

He's a fraternity brother of Mr. Steiner's

and was trying to get him
kicked out of school.

"...that you and your Ki Mu
brothers rule campus."

And-- and who's this Meryl Streep over here?

- Go Badgers!
- MOLLY: Trina Delgado.

She's trying a case downstairs as we speak.

Uh, she's a lawyer as well?

Yes, Your Honor.

You know, what is going on with law school?

Are they just letting anybody in these days?

Is it the new math?
Is that it?

Participation law degrees?
You know what?

Just save it, don't wanna hear it.
Case dismissed. Mike!

Yes, Judge.

I need you to round up some more idiots.

Okay.

Thank you, sir.

You, sir, have no idea what you're doing!

I will have all of your jobs,
do you hear me?!

- Do you know who I am?
- Fine. Just call Dad, alright?

- Just call Dad!
- What about this clit, Molly!?

- [CRYING] Just call Dad...
- Hey, Poles,

how you like them hand jobs?

I hope someone rollerblades
over your vagina, Molly!

- What?
- What?

It's an interesting crowd
you two hang out with.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Yeah.

Uh...
[CLEARS THROAT]

Not bad.

I guess I'll see you around.

Yeah.
See you later, Steiner.

- Bye.
- Bye.

[SIGHS]

- [EXHALES]
- Oh. There you are.

Yep, I'm here.
Oh, God.

Uh, didn't you just drive here?

I could have in hindsight.

I, I could have.
I... [STAMMERS]

- So you ran.
- You're right. I...

I didn't have to.
But I did.

- Let's get you some water.
- Okay.

[SIGHS]

["I AM WOMAN" BY EMMY MELI PLAYING]

MOLLY: I know a lot of people
think if they had the chance

to do it all over again, they would.

Well, I'm here to tell you,
when it comes to your life,

it's all about living your present.

Constantly looking back
will just give you a neck ache.

Elliot certainly got what he wanted.

President of his pledge class

and completely reshaped Ki Mu
from the ground up.

Paulie finished first
in his ed psych class,

graduated with honors,

won back his family's respect.

And now he's shooting for his
master's degree in education.

Trust fund!

MOLLY: You know, for the kids and shit.

And me...

I finally realized what I liked doing.

Helping those shy caterpillars
become full motherfucking butterflies.

Everybody says that college
is the best four to seven,

maybe nine years of your life.

I used to be a firm believer
in that axiom

until a really good friend showed me

life does get better as we get older.

It just takes longer
for some of us to realize.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh, Amy, here's the thing.

We've been traveling the past few years

dedicating our lives
to helping children in need.

[STAMMERS, LAUGHS]

I'm sorry.

You know, I'm sorry. The--

So, sorry--
[GRUNTS]

- Really sorry about that.
- [GRUNTS]

[LAUGHTER]

This is the same shit they give to Armstrong

- for the Tour de France.
- What?

- Relax. I'm just joking.
- [CHUCKLES]

Fuck, what did you want me to say?

- [LAUGHTER]
- MOLLY: If we win,

Elliot gets a bid into Ki Mu,
but if we...

[EXHALES] Hold on.
Let me try again.

[CLEARS THROAT, STAMMERING]

BRENDA: Oh, you got it on the other side.

- [LAUGHS]
- BRENDA: Good.

[VOCALIZING]
Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.

Oh. Mayor Pete. Mayor Pete.
Mayor Pete. Mayor Pete. Mayor Pete...

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, I don't know if you-- oh!

- Get the fuck out of here, bro!
- ELLIOT: Aah! I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

- STU: Shit.
- So like this? Like...

- Mm.
- Yeah, yeah, you're totally getting it.

Or was it cross-country like...

Mrs. Zimmerman, I know
I'm late on last month's rent,

but I did finally get
to your groceries. [GASPS]

- Ah! Oh, my God. Whoa.
- Oh, Molly. What a treat.

You do love buffets.

Yeah, we are going downtown.

Oh, oh!

- Goddammit.
- [IPHONE THUDS]

Scott, I'm gonna need you to
give me the-- the footage. Okay?

I'm gonna need you to remove your pants,
in which case footage is yours.

That is no.
Give me the fucking footage

and get me out of fucking Freddy's Nightmares.

SULLY: Fuck you, Elliot Steinberg!

- STU: Steiner.
- SULLY: Steinerstein.

- STU: Steiner.
- SULLY: Steinman.

[LAUGHTER]

MOLLY: What--
what are you doing?

Trying not to blow our cover.

What? Most of these kids--
Oh, fuck.

Fucked it.
Fucked it up.

CREW: Okay, go back to one...

MOLLY: I want your undies
on your head, please.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

- I'm mic-ed up though.
- MOLLY: Stu!

[LAUGHTER]

Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]

[LAUGHS]

Alright. Um...

And now...
[LAUGHS]

Yeah, okay.

I'm crying. Okay. Okay.
Maybe I'll just back it up a second.

Okay.
No, no.

No, no, I can do it.
I can do it. Um...

CREW: It's Michael, take two.

It's Michael, take two.

You like beer? I had an IPA the
other day called, uh, Gnarly Beaver.

I had an IPA the other day
called Swollen Frog.

Beers, huh? I had you pegged
for more of a skinny Margarita girl.

Oh, yeah, I do love those.

You know what?
I take it back.

Not gonna fuck you.
Swipe left.

[SMACKS LIPS]
Fuck you.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]