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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:04,570 Up to you, Murray. 2 00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,049 This would be a great hand if we were playing gin. 3 00:00:06,073 --> 00:00:07,850 Be a great game if you played your hand. 4 00:00:07,874 --> 00:00:10,053 A cop just can't get a break nowadays. 5 00:00:10,077 --> 00:00:11,009 Cards, Vinnie. 6 00:00:11,078 --> 00:00:12,010 Will you wait a second? 7 00:00:12,079 --> 00:00:13,278 I don't want to lose count. 8 00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:14,558 It's a real joy to play with you, you know that? 9 00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:15,692 Like playing with an adding machine. 10 00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:16,859 Will you say how many cards you want? 11 00:00:16,883 --> 00:00:18,950 All right, give me... give me two. 12 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:19,951 Two. Dealer takes one. 13 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:20,952 I'll bet $2. 14 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,654 You see me? 15 00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:23,755 I see you. 16 00:00:23,824 --> 00:00:24,756 What do you got? 17 00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:25,825 Beat three sevens. 18 00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:27,426 That's what I figured. 19 00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:30,895 You know why? 20 00:00:30,964 --> 00:00:32,275 'Cause I've got a poker face. 21 00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:33,232 You don't have a poker face. 22 00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:34,433 Oh, go write a book. 23 00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:35,545 You know what I hate worse than a poor loser? 24 00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:36,613 An obnoxious winner. Take your money. 25 00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:37,802 Cash me in, fellas. 26 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,449 Hey, wait a minute, what do you mean? 27 00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:40,405 It's still early. 28 00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:41,751 I've got a date. 29 00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:44,509 She won't mind if you pick her up a few hours late. 30 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:45,510 She's picking me up. 31 00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:46,690 Good, we'll deal her in. 32 00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:47,790 Oscar, appeal to him, will ya? 33 00:00:47,814 --> 00:00:49,248 He's your friend! 34 00:00:49,316 --> 00:00:50,993 I can't say anything to him, he really digs this girl. 35 00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:53,298 In fact, he hasn't moaned about his ex-wife for weeks now. 36 00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:55,887 There she is. 37 00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:57,234 Now, fellas, when she comes in, put on your coats. 38 00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:58,602 What do you mean put on your coats? 39 00:00:58,626 --> 00:00:59,858 We're playing poker. 40 00:00:59,926 --> 00:01:01,271 All right, but please watch your language 41 00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:02,606 and stand up like nice gentlemen. 42 00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,030 Who is she, anyway, Princess Grace? 43 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,767 Hello, darling. 44 00:01:08,836 --> 00:01:10,202 Right on time. 45 00:01:10,270 --> 00:01:11,569 I want you to meet my friends. 46 00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:13,839 Fellas, this is Madelyn. 47 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,284 I think you know Oscar. 48 00:01:15,308 --> 00:01:16,853 Speed, Vinnie and Murray. 49 00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:18,176 Hello. 50 00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:19,923 Nice to see you again, Madelyn, I'd keep standing, 51 00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:20,947 but it's my deal. 52 00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:22,291 Oh, no, that's all right. 53 00:01:22,315 --> 00:01:24,060 I just hope I'm not interrupting your game. 54 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,195 What's there to interrupt? 55 00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:26,384 No one's got any money. 56 00:01:26,453 --> 00:01:27,786 Nobody but Felix. 57 00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:29,565 Why don't you help yourself to some sandwiches. 58 00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:31,156 No. That's poker food. 59 00:01:31,224 --> 00:01:32,469 I'm going to take you to a nice restaurant. 60 00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:34,493 Come into the kitchen, I have a surprise for you. 61 00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:36,072 How do you like that? 62 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,807 Poker food's good enough for us. 63 00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:41,099 Gee, that Felix is doing all right. 64 00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:42,100 Well, I'm not. 65 00:01:42,169 --> 00:01:43,179 Come on, let's play cards. 66 00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:44,136 I've seen that girl somewhere. 67 00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:46,082 She works at the library. 68 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,038 How would you ever see her? 69 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,039 No, no, that's not it. 70 00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:49,408 But I'm sure I've seen her. 71 00:01:49,476 --> 00:01:50,875 Will you ante, please? 72 00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:57,649 Felix, you're always luring me into the kitchen. 73 00:01:57,717 --> 00:01:59,296 Kitchen is the most romantic room in the house. 74 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:00,752 Food is sensual. 75 00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:03,166 Well, where's my surprise? 76 00:02:03,190 --> 00:02:04,323 Ah. 77 00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:10,362 Felix Unger's special homemade oatmeal cookies 78 00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:11,763 for you to take home. 79 00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:13,531 Oh, Felix, that's so sweet. 80 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,234 Well, you don't always get enough time to eat, I think. 81 00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,937 You're too thin. 82 00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:20,450 Don't have one now. It'll spoil your appetite. 83 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:21,754 Just a bite. 84 00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:24,977 Mmm. Delicious. 85 00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:28,281 You're right. 86 00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:36,721 Murray, 87 00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:39,291 I got four beautiful cards, but I need one more. 88 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:44,563 Oh, I'm sorry. 89 00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:45,797 Where was it? Where was it? 90 00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:47,766 Buy me. 91 00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,568 I got it! 92 00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:51,269 It's not your turn. 93 00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:54,072 No. I mean, I remembered where I saw that girl. 94 00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:55,440 It was only last week. 95 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:57,743 I arrested her for indecent exposure. 96 00:03:06,153 --> 00:03:10,021 On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself 97 00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:12,257 from his place of residence. 98 00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:14,859 That request came from his wife. 99 00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,028 Deep down, he knew she was right, 100 00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:20,432 but he also knew that someday he would return to her. 101 00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:22,134 With nowhere else to go, 102 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:25,604 he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, Oscar Madison. 103 00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:28,874 Sometime earlier, Madison's wife had thrown him out 104 00:03:28,943 --> 00:03:30,943 requesting that he never return. 105 00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:33,478 Can two divorced men share an apartment 106 00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:35,681 without driving each other crazy? 107 00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:28,878 You arrested her for what? 108 00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:31,380 On a morals charge... Indecent exposure. 109 00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:32,804 Boy, what a relief. 110 00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:34,506 A relief? 111 00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:37,476 Yeah. If I hadn't remembered, I'd be up all night. 112 00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:42,481 Hey, I wonder if Felix knows. 113 00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:44,683 There's nothing to know. She's a librarian. 114 00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:45,752 Let's play cards. 115 00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:49,221 Hey... maybe she's a topless librarian. 116 00:04:50,723 --> 00:04:53,391 You're crazy. Madelyn's a sweet lovely girl. 117 00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:54,492 Come on, will ya? 118 00:04:54,561 --> 00:04:55,927 Oscar's right. 119 00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:58,496 A nice girl like that wouldn't get indecently exposed 120 00:04:58,565 --> 00:05:00,509 unless it was for a very good reason. 121 00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:03,368 Listen, you heard of those off-Broadway plays 122 00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:05,437 where nobody wears any clothes? 123 00:05:05,505 --> 00:05:06,738 She's in one of those? 124 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,906 She's the lead in one of those. 125 00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,575 I don't believe that. 126 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:11,710 Me neither. 127 00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:13,845 Hey, what's the name of the play? 128 00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:15,580 Bathtub. 129 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,517 Well, that don't sound so dirty to me. 130 00:05:18,585 --> 00:05:20,319 I've heard of that play. 131 00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:21,953 It's not a dirty play. 132 00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:23,422 One reviewer said 133 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:27,025 that it was a stunning reappraisal of social values. 134 00:05:27,093 --> 00:05:31,095 Looked more like a naked reappraisal of social values. 135 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,565 Are you trying to tell me that sweet librarian 136 00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:35,644 is the lead in a nude off-Broadway show? 137 00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:38,035 Oscar, we raid the place every week. 138 00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:40,638 Yeah, but Murray, it's a very moral play. 139 00:05:40,707 --> 00:05:43,875 I understand that they have this huge bathtub 140 00:05:43,943 --> 00:05:45,309 that symbolizes the world 141 00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:48,046 and then the actors symbolize humanity 142 00:05:48,114 --> 00:05:49,448 cleansing themselves. 143 00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:50,448 Nude? 144 00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,284 You can't take a bath with your clothes on. 145 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,952 You're crazy. 146 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,187 It just doesn't fit. 147 00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:58,756 I never forget a face. 148 00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:01,292 In a play like that, who looks at a face? 149 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,601 Well... oh, Vinnie, where's my money? 150 00:06:10,670 --> 00:06:12,103 Oh. 151 00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:16,441 We have to go, fellas. 152 00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,510 Feel free. We don't want to keep you. 153 00:06:19,446 --> 00:06:21,123 We don't want to rush you either. 154 00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:24,382 We don't want to keep you and we don't want to rush you. 155 00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:26,429 It was nice to meet you all. 156 00:06:26,453 --> 00:06:27,719 Have a good game. 157 00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:29,186 Thanks a lot, Felix. 158 00:06:29,255 --> 00:06:30,455 With what you left us, 159 00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:32,557 we might just as well play strip poker. 160 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:47,540 Hi. 161 00:06:47,607 --> 00:06:48,751 What are you doing up so early? 162 00:06:48,775 --> 00:06:50,642 Don't sit there. You know better than that. 163 00:06:50,710 --> 00:06:51,643 I couldn't sleep. 164 00:06:51,711 --> 00:06:52,644 Had your breakfast? 165 00:06:52,712 --> 00:06:53,645 No, I'm not hungry. 166 00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:54,646 I'm just gonna nibble. 167 00:06:54,714 --> 00:06:57,074 Have a good time last night? 168 00:06:58,017 --> 00:06:59,584 Fantastic. 169 00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:01,719 I always have a good time with Madelyn. 170 00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:03,065 You really like her, huh? 171 00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:05,389 She's the greatest girl I've ever met. 172 00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:07,859 Wow, that's a pretty big statement 173 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,528 for a girl you don't know very long. 174 00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:11,841 How long does it take? 175 00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:14,398 I've dated enough girls to know when it's right. 176 00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:15,633 It's right. 177 00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:17,669 She's done the impossible. 178 00:07:17,737 --> 00:07:18,870 What's that? 179 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,683 Made me stop thinking about Gloria. 180 00:07:20,707 --> 00:07:23,708 Has it ever occurred to you to use a napkin? 181 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,443 Hold that over the sink. 182 00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:28,580 I hope you're not rushing in to anything. 183 00:07:28,648 --> 00:07:31,382 You know, I dated my ex-wife for six years. 184 00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,685 Still turned out that I was rushing. 185 00:07:33,753 --> 00:07:36,220 How can you eat a pickle, chocolate cookies 186 00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,622 and beer for breakfast? 187 00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:38,890 Are you kidding? 188 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,992 Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. 189 00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:42,894 Besides, I want to talk about Madelyn. 190 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,173 I thought you liked her. 191 00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,030 I do, I do, but I'm a reporter 192 00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:47,198 and I'm curious. 193 00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:48,611 She has no sisters or eligible girlfriends, 194 00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,413 so if you think you're going to horn in on that... 195 00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:51,514 That's not what I was thinking. 196 00:07:51,538 --> 00:07:52,815 For instance, like, what does she do 197 00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:54,150 when she's not with you for instance? 198 00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:55,640 She does the laundry. 199 00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:59,344 She cleans her apartment, she works at the library. 200 00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:01,424 She depends on me for excitement. 201 00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:02,492 Oh, do you use her library? 202 00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:03,792 I mean, do you ever see her at work? 203 00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:05,161 Nah, the branch is too far away. 204 00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,484 Where is it? 205 00:08:06,553 --> 00:08:09,073 I don't know, somewhere off Broadway she said. 206 00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:47,892 Pardon me, please. 207 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:48,893 Excuse me. 208 00:08:48,961 --> 00:08:50,428 Excuse me, sir. 209 00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:51,663 Vinnie. 210 00:08:51,731 --> 00:08:53,008 Oscar. 211 00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:55,600 Hey, Vinnie, Oscar. 212 00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:57,068 What are you doing here? 213 00:08:57,136 --> 00:08:58,403 Same thing you're doing here. 214 00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:00,082 I'm here because my best friend's girl 215 00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:01,339 may not be on the level. 216 00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:03,252 Well, that's part of the reason I'm here. 217 00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:04,654 Let's face it, Oscar, 218 00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:06,656 we're all dying of curiosity. 219 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,057 Hey, don't I know you 220 00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,981 from the peekaboo movie houses? 221 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,482 Your name's Mel, right? 222 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,950 You got the wrong guy. 223 00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:14,452 Turn around, will you? 224 00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:17,255 I want to just make sure it's Madelyn. 225 00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:18,690 Well, even if it isn't, 226 00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:20,303 we're still in for a great evening at the theater. 227 00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,047 Watching your best friend's girl take a bath 228 00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:23,095 is great theater? 229 00:09:23,162 --> 00:09:24,095 You said it, buddy. 230 00:09:24,163 --> 00:09:25,329 It's aesthetic. 231 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:26,330 You going to turn around, Mel? 232 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,399 What are you going to do? 233 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,781 You have to give this new theater a chance 234 00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:33,337 before you condemn it. 235 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:36,052 Besides, this sort of thing is making a lot of money. 236 00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,175 It's got to. 237 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,210 They don't spend a dime on wardrobe. 238 00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,165 See? There's nothing wrong with that. 239 00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:51,901 Look, I think that the actors are holding hands 240 00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,365 to symbolize the brotherhood of man. 241 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,161 They're stark naked. 242 00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:58,263 My brother's 41 years old. 243 00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,031 I never saw him naked. 244 00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,333 There they go in the tub. 245 00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:06,370 What was that? 246 00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,217 Audience involvement. 247 00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:11,387 The water of life seeps over me, 248 00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,111 but it does not cleanse. 249 00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:14,545 Why? Why? 250 00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,815 It cannot cleanse without the soap. 251 00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:19,117 We're all waiting for the soap of life. 252 00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:21,252 I'm waiting for the towel of life. 253 00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:23,922 When will the soap of life arrive? 254 00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:25,356 Who knows? 255 00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:26,757 No one knows. 256 00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:28,860 Wonder when they'll stand up again. 257 00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:32,496 Will you get out of... 258 00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:34,665 Do you know what I am? 259 00:10:34,734 --> 00:10:36,434 Crazy. Get off me, will you? 260 00:10:36,502 --> 00:10:38,002 I am the rubber ducky. 261 00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:39,570 You look like a penguin. 262 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:42,118 Don't be a wise guy. I am the rubber ducky. 263 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,674 Somebody get the rubber ducky off me? 264 00:10:43,743 --> 00:10:45,321 Relax, Oscar. He's part of the play. 265 00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:46,465 Yeah, relax. 266 00:10:46,512 --> 00:10:48,291 I am a messenger from the bathtub. 267 00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,715 I accuse you, sir, of war, poverty and pollution. 268 00:10:50,783 --> 00:10:52,394 Come cleanse yourself in the tub. 269 00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:54,130 Come on, give me a break, will ya, rubber ducky? 270 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,519 All right, stay dirty. 271 00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,155 Madam, how about you? 272 00:10:57,224 --> 00:11:01,359 Whatever happened to plays like Timeout For Ginger? 273 00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:03,172 Hello, hello. 274 00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:05,716 Who else will come into the bathtub? 275 00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:11,970 Oh, boy. 276 00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:13,081 Come on in. 277 00:11:13,105 --> 00:11:14,684 The water of life is great. 278 00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:16,251 What's the matter, Oscar? 279 00:11:16,275 --> 00:11:17,809 Take a look over there. 280 00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:22,047 Please help me. 281 00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:25,583 I'm wrapped in a towel of indifference. 282 00:11:25,652 --> 00:11:27,018 Hey, that's Madelyn. 283 00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:28,764 Shed your indifference 284 00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:30,866 and join us in the bathtub. 285 00:11:30,890 --> 00:11:33,991 Oh, but I don't know if I should. 286 00:11:36,996 --> 00:11:38,307 Take it off, baby. 287 00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:39,697 Be aesthetic. 288 00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:41,433 That's what she's doing. 289 00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,701 She's throwing in the towel. 290 00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:59,150 Hey, aren't you the rubber ducky from the play? 291 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,852 No, I'm a maitre d' from the North Pole. 292 00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:05,167 Oh, fella, listen, do you work here? 293 00:12:05,191 --> 00:12:06,590 Yeah, I'm the producer 294 00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:08,059 and you can't see any of the girls. 295 00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,939 And if you want a program, it'll cost you a buck and a half. 296 00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:11,540 No. I'm a personal friend of Madelyn Waters. 297 00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,764 Could you tell me where her dressing room is? 298 00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:16,145 What would she need with a dressing room? 299 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,180 Will you stop with the jokes, Speed, this is serious. 300 00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:20,671 Sure, it's serious, but it's also comical. 301 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:21,773 What is? 302 00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:23,240 Avant-garde theater. 303 00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:25,354 All I know is this is the first play I've ever seen 304 00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:27,155 that left a ring around the stage. 305 00:12:27,179 --> 00:12:28,813 Another joke, huh, Speed? 306 00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:31,816 Miss Waters' dressing room is right over there. 307 00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:33,083 Fellas, whoa, whoa. 308 00:12:33,152 --> 00:12:34,497 Come on, now, look, I don't think it's right 309 00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:36,632 for all of us to go and see Madelyn. 310 00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:38,634 Oh, you think she might feel like she's facing a jury? 311 00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:40,703 Right. You know, I think I should just go see her alone. 312 00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:42,605 Look, Oscar, we don't want to put you on the spot, 313 00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:43,928 but Felix is our friend, too. 314 00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:45,875 Yeah, but he's always used to me butting in. 315 00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:47,364 Oscar's right. 316 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,867 I mean, if he's going to hate somebody for interfering, 317 00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:52,169 he might as well hate his best friend. 318 00:12:52,238 --> 00:12:53,849 Thanks a lot, Vinnie. 319 00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:55,372 Okay, let's wait outside. 320 00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:58,008 You know, I wonder why she's keeping things from Felix. 321 00:12:58,077 --> 00:12:59,321 I don't know. 322 00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:01,390 But she didn't keep anything from us. 323 00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:10,387 Oh, just a minute. 324 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:11,522 I'm not dressed. 325 00:13:21,233 --> 00:13:22,600 Yes? 326 00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,535 Oh, Oscar. 327 00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:26,136 Hi, Madelyn. 328 00:13:26,205 --> 00:13:27,705 Hello. 329 00:13:27,774 --> 00:13:29,507 Did you see the play? 330 00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:31,008 Yeah, I saw the play. 331 00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:32,376 Were you shocked? 332 00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:34,323 No. I understand avant-garde. 333 00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:37,114 Some of it's serious, some of it's comedy. 334 00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:38,349 You were shocked. 335 00:13:38,417 --> 00:13:39,628 I was shocked. 336 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:40,852 Well, you shouldn't be, Oscar, 337 00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:42,787 after all, it's a perfectly legitimate play. 338 00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,188 It even won an award. 339 00:13:44,256 --> 00:13:46,234 I'm a sportswriter, not a drama critic. 340 00:13:46,258 --> 00:13:48,370 I tell you one thing, I know I don't like the rubber ducky. 341 00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:50,995 I thought you were a librarian. 342 00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:52,430 Yes... 343 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,533 I know. You work at the library during the day... 344 00:13:55,601 --> 00:13:57,246 No. Three days a week you work at the library, and then you... 345 00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:59,737 Do you have a library card? 346 00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:02,073 Oscar, I'm an actress. 347 00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:03,741 There is no library. 348 00:14:03,809 --> 00:14:05,587 That means you lied to Felix. 349 00:14:05,611 --> 00:14:06,944 No! 350 00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:09,947 I... well, I meant... I meant to tell him, 351 00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,683 but I-I just wanted to make it gradual. 352 00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:14,864 Well, what do you call gradual? 353 00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,854 "Felix, I'm a librarian." 354 00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:19,657 "Felix, I'm a librarian in the anatomy section." 355 00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:22,693 No, no, look, Oscar, I really do care about Felix. 356 00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:25,863 I mean, he's so sweet and he's understanding, 357 00:14:25,932 --> 00:14:29,199 but I just don't think he'd understand this. 358 00:14:29,268 --> 00:14:32,570 I mean... you see, I just wanted to wait 359 00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:35,940 until we got to know each other a little better. 360 00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,374 That your costume, huh? 361 00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:38,676 Yeah. 362 00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:40,210 You know him six weeks. 363 00:14:40,279 --> 00:14:43,280 Were you going to wait until you were walking down the aisle 364 00:14:43,349 --> 00:14:46,350 and then say, "Felix, I'm an actress in a nude play"? 365 00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,318 I want to tell him, Oscar. 366 00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:49,520 You got to tell him. 367 00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,509 I mean I can't let you lie to him. 368 00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:54,792 Oh, you're right. 369 00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:56,460 You're right, Oscar. 370 00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,997 I'll tell him on our next date. 371 00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,877 Attagirl. The truth is always better. 372 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,979 When my ex-wife finally told me the truth, 373 00:15:04,003 --> 00:15:05,336 it solved all our problems. 374 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:06,904 What did she tell you? 375 00:15:06,973 --> 00:15:08,133 That she wanted a divorce. 376 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,245 No, Murray. I'm glad you told me. 377 00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:16,058 This way I was able to talk to Madelyn. 378 00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:18,515 I told her she had to tell Felix the truth. 379 00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:20,495 Of course she was wearing clothes. 380 00:15:20,519 --> 00:15:21,886 Listen, I better call you back. 381 00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:23,354 Felix is home. Bye-bye. 382 00:15:25,324 --> 00:15:27,424 Hi, buddy. You're home early. 383 00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:31,829 How you feeling? 384 00:15:35,201 --> 00:15:37,001 What is it, Felix? 385 00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:42,373 Oh, boy, something's the matter. 386 00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:45,042 I never saw you make a sloppy drink before. 387 00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,811 It's Madelyn, huh? 388 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:49,158 I'd rather not talk about it. 389 00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:50,547 She told you... 390 00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:53,117 I mean, I bet she told you something. 391 00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:54,886 She told me something. 392 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,021 It's destroyed me. 393 00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:58,722 Felix, whatever she told you, 394 00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,958 Madelyn is still a sweet, lovely girl. 395 00:16:01,027 --> 00:16:02,359 Nothing has changed. 396 00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:04,095 Everything's changed. 397 00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,230 She told me the truth. 398 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,699 The truth is better than a lie, Felix. 399 00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:10,467 Not this time. 400 00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:13,137 Her ship sails tomorrow. 401 00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:15,239 "Her ship sails tomorrow"? 402 00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,708 What are you talking about? 403 00:16:17,777 --> 00:16:20,744 Madelyn took a job at a library in Peru. 404 00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,716 In Peru? 405 00:16:31,857 --> 00:16:33,924 Felix. 406 00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:36,661 Felix? 407 00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:41,277 You're going to mess up my room. 408 00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:42,378 What are you doing? 409 00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:44,135 I don't want to mess up my room. 410 00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,503 I have to throw things. 411 00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:46,871 Not the sandwich. 412 00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,985 I'm not through with it yet. 413 00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:50,308 My midnight snack. 414 00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:52,543 She never cared for me. 415 00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,445 Of course she cared for you. 416 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:57,081 That's why she told you she was going to Peru. 417 00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:59,828 Bringing the Dewey decimal system to the Incas. 418 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:02,320 How can you believe such a wild story, Felix? 419 00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:03,621 Will you tell me that? 420 00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:04,766 Not so wild. 421 00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:06,991 The Incas will love her. 422 00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:09,093 Felix, the truth is much simpler. 423 00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:10,527 See, Felix... 424 00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:13,631 she's a naked actress in an off-Broadway play. 425 00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:17,634 Oh, Oscar, this is no time to be kidding me. 426 00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:20,138 Why would I kid about a thing like that? 427 00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,106 Felix. 428 00:17:22,174 --> 00:17:23,674 Felix, listen to me. 429 00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:26,511 Felix, she was afraid to tell you. 430 00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,924 She's working in a play called Bathtub. 431 00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:31,382 That's the lowest, most abominable thing 432 00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:32,884 you've ever said to me. 433 00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:34,430 Some people think it's art. 434 00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:35,953 Please don't sit on my bed. 435 00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:37,600 What are you worried about? 436 00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:39,156 It's a terrible thing to say. 437 00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,491 A woman I care for... 438 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,538 even if the play got good notices. 439 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,595 Felix, it's not such a terrible thing, 440 00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:46,831 and that's why she's afraid to tell you. 441 00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:47,932 You're such a Boy Scout. 442 00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,144 You think by putting her down, 443 00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:50,345 you're gonna make me feel better? 444 00:17:50,369 --> 00:17:51,447 It's not going to work. 445 00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,070 Felix, I am not trying to put her down. 446 00:17:53,139 --> 00:17:55,640 I just want you to know she is not a librarian, 447 00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,274 she's an actress... nude. 448 00:17:57,343 --> 00:18:00,377 You're pushing me too far, Oscar Madison. 449 00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:02,413 All right, killer, that's it. 450 00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:03,848 Let's go. 451 00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:05,516 We're getting out of here. 452 00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,595 Where we going? 453 00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:08,018 Visit the Incas. 454 00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:19,797 I accuse you of causing war, poverty and pollution. 455 00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:21,444 Cleanse yourself in the tub. 456 00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:24,101 I'm glad we got here after the rubber ducky. 457 00:18:24,170 --> 00:18:26,136 Looked more like a penguin. 458 00:18:26,205 --> 00:18:28,685 Shh. Don't be a wise guy. 459 00:18:30,142 --> 00:18:31,241 This is dumb. 460 00:18:31,310 --> 00:18:32,677 I was going to see this 461 00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,479 with my theater group, anyway. 462 00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:36,091 Will you just watch the play? 463 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,827 Hello, hello. 464 00:18:37,851 --> 00:18:40,228 Who else will come into the bathtub? 465 00:18:40,252 --> 00:18:42,252 Come on in. 466 00:18:42,321 --> 00:18:44,166 The water of life is great. 467 00:18:44,190 --> 00:18:47,091 Hiya, Mel. It's good to see you again. 468 00:18:47,159 --> 00:18:48,459 Shh. 469 00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:49,927 What's this "Mel" business? 470 00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:53,063 You leading a secret life I don't know anything about? 471 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,492 I'm not the only one, Felix. 472 00:18:57,704 --> 00:18:59,069 Prepare yourself. 473 00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,907 Please, help me. 474 00:19:02,976 --> 00:19:06,243 I'm wrapped in a towel of indifference. 475 00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:09,580 Shed your indifference and join us in the bathtub. 476 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:12,316 Oh, but I don't know if I should. 477 00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:13,385 Don't! 478 00:19:13,452 --> 00:19:14,385 Felix. 479 00:19:14,453 --> 00:19:15,453 Don't! 480 00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:17,488 Oh! Oh! 481 00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:20,457 Hey! He put his coat over the best part! 482 00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:25,530 Oh, leave him alone. 483 00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:26,964 Don't hurt him. 484 00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,033 Stop it. 485 00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:32,904 Oh, let him alone. 486 00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,438 Come on, let him alone. 487 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:35,706 Let him alone? Why? 488 00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:37,520 So he can put clothes on the rest of my actors? 489 00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:38,475 He didn't hurt anybody. 490 00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:39,677 Are you kidding? 491 00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:41,290 I've got to give everyone their money back. 492 00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:43,158 Give him a break. He loves her. 493 00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,348 So does everyone else, 494 00:19:44,416 --> 00:19:46,116 but they don't drag her off the stage. 495 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,185 It's all my fault. 496 00:19:47,253 --> 00:19:48,253 No, it's not. 497 00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:50,355 Raid, raid! 498 00:19:50,422 --> 00:19:52,422 Okay, line up. You know the routine. 499 00:19:52,491 --> 00:19:54,925 Murray. Murray. 500 00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:57,873 Murray, you wouldn't do this if I was David Merrick. 501 00:19:57,897 --> 00:19:59,975 I didn't know you guys would be here. 502 00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,232 Neither did I. 503 00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:03,820 All right, I'll take charge of this group. 504 00:20:04,503 --> 00:20:07,505 We got a complaint on a riot. 505 00:20:07,573 --> 00:20:09,106 I started it. 506 00:20:10,943 --> 00:20:12,376 I didn't hear that. 507 00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:13,922 He said he started... 508 00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:16,447 If he started the riot, I got to arrest him. 509 00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:17,893 So I didn't hear he started the riot. 510 00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:18,928 You've got a heart of gold. 511 00:20:18,952 --> 00:20:20,851 That's very nice, Murray. 512 00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,154 I'll just arrest Madelyn. 513 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,589 How can you do that? 514 00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:27,391 Easy. I do it once a week. 515 00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:28,759 It's my duty. 516 00:20:28,827 --> 00:20:30,505 Don't worry, Felix, I'll be out in a couple of hours. 517 00:20:30,529 --> 00:20:31,607 I can't wait a couple of hours. 518 00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:32,774 I want to talk to you now. 519 00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:34,476 How could you do a thing like that? 520 00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:36,166 I'm supposed to take in the whole cast. 521 00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,534 She's the lead. 522 00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:39,214 You want me to get in trouble with the actors' union? 523 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,837 Who's gonna know about it? 524 00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:42,740 Give them ten minutes alone. 525 00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:48,557 All right, men, let's search the dressing rooms. 526 00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:49,581 Pig! 527 00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:50,748 Penguin. 528 00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:52,783 Mel, what's going on? 529 00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:53,852 None of your business. 530 00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:54,818 Oh, yes, it is. 531 00:20:54,887 --> 00:20:55,986 Why? 532 00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:57,165 Because, I'm the author of this play. 533 00:20:57,189 --> 00:20:58,122 Where's my producer? 534 00:20:58,190 --> 00:20:59,857 Bruce, I'm sorry. 535 00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:01,236 Listen, get yourself another duck. 536 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,993 And I want two weeks severance pay from you. 537 00:21:03,062 --> 00:21:04,128 Look, keep the costume... 538 00:21:04,196 --> 00:21:05,941 Okay, load them up in the wagon. 539 00:21:05,965 --> 00:21:08,866 Bruce, Bruce, we got a hit here. 540 00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:10,100 No, no. He didn't mean me. 541 00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:11,302 I'm a friend of Murray's. 542 00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:12,470 I'm not in the play. 543 00:21:12,538 --> 00:21:13,616 Stay out of show business. 544 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,406 Why don't you get mugged by a walrus? 545 00:21:15,475 --> 00:21:16,540 I'll hit you. 546 00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,809 I'd like to give you one... 547 00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:22,647 W-What do you want, Felix? 548 00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:27,117 Do you want me to give up my career? 549 00:21:27,186 --> 00:21:28,364 No. 550 00:21:28,388 --> 00:21:29,632 Why should I look at you differently 551 00:21:29,656 --> 00:21:31,333 just because you're not wearing clothes? 552 00:21:31,357 --> 00:21:33,357 But you're not the only one. 553 00:21:33,426 --> 00:21:35,959 I wouldn't care if the whole world went naked. 554 00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:38,028 Might even be neater. 555 00:21:38,097 --> 00:21:40,731 But, Felix, you and I hit if off so well together 556 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:42,833 because you thought I was a librarian. 557 00:21:42,902 --> 00:21:45,303 No, not because I thought you were a librarian. 558 00:21:45,371 --> 00:21:46,937 Because you're you. 559 00:21:48,207 --> 00:21:49,640 You mean, my being in the play 560 00:21:49,709 --> 00:21:51,275 really doesn't bother you? 561 00:21:51,343 --> 00:21:52,354 Absolutely not. 562 00:21:52,378 --> 00:21:53,944 Oh, Felix. Then why did you 563 00:21:54,013 --> 00:21:55,946 run up on stage and cover me up? 564 00:21:56,015 --> 00:21:57,481 Just an impulsive action. 565 00:21:57,550 --> 00:21:59,850 I suddenly saw a naked librarian there. 566 00:21:59,919 --> 00:22:01,351 I didn't see an actress. 567 00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:04,388 But you lied to me. 568 00:22:04,456 --> 00:22:07,091 You had no faith in me. 569 00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:09,893 Why didn't you trust me? 570 00:22:09,962 --> 00:22:11,395 Oh, but, Felix, 571 00:22:11,464 --> 00:22:13,764 can't you understand why I lied to you? 572 00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:18,135 I'm ready, Murray. 573 00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:24,541 Madelyn, keep the coat. 574 00:22:28,981 --> 00:22:31,059 You idiot! You broke my beak! 575 00:22:31,083 --> 00:22:33,295 If you don't get out of my way, I'll pluck your feathers. 576 00:22:33,319 --> 00:22:35,852 Thanks, officer. 577 00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:37,841 And you, I hope your igloo melts! 578 00:22:43,629 --> 00:22:45,029 Hey, buddy. 579 00:22:45,097 --> 00:22:47,577 How'd it go with Madelyn? 580 00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:50,445 It's all my fault, isn't it? 581 00:22:50,469 --> 00:22:52,670 No. No. 582 00:23:00,713 --> 00:23:01,713 This looks like 583 00:23:01,781 --> 00:23:03,547 the little theater we had in college. 584 00:23:06,151 --> 00:23:08,185 Yeah. 585 00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:12,590 I played Jaques. 586 00:23:15,428 --> 00:23:17,895 "All the world's a stage." 587 00:23:19,832 --> 00:23:22,767 "All the world's a stage... 588 00:23:22,835 --> 00:23:28,873 "and all the men and women merely players 589 00:23:28,941 --> 00:23:33,310 and each man in his time plays many parts." 590 00:23:33,379 --> 00:23:35,413 Hey, that's great. 591 00:23:37,983 --> 00:23:39,750 No. I played the fool then 592 00:23:39,819 --> 00:23:41,886 and I played the fool tonight. 593 00:23:41,954 --> 00:23:43,131 Felix, in my opinion, 594 00:23:43,155 --> 00:23:45,322 you were the best thing in the show tonight. 595 00:23:58,203 --> 00:23:59,670 Hi, Felix. 596 00:24:02,008 --> 00:24:03,641 Hi, buddy. 597 00:24:05,177 --> 00:24:06,677 Next question. 598 00:24:06,746 --> 00:24:09,580 Come on, Felix, there's going to be a lot of other girls. 599 00:24:10,750 --> 00:24:13,550 If it's for me, tell them I died. 600 00:24:13,619 --> 00:24:14,830 Hello? 601 00:24:14,854 --> 00:24:16,031 Oh, hi, Gloria. 602 00:24:16,055 --> 00:24:17,065 Your ex-wife. 603 00:24:17,089 --> 00:24:18,388 I'm not here. Not here. 604 00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:19,737 Yes, he's here. 605 00:24:19,792 --> 00:24:22,126 I won't talk to her. I won't talk to her. 606 00:24:22,194 --> 00:24:23,905 He says he's glad you called. 607 00:24:23,929 --> 00:24:26,296 Tell her I'm going out, got a date with the actress. 608 00:24:26,365 --> 00:24:29,199 Nothing. He was sitting around listening to music. 609 00:24:29,268 --> 00:24:30,979 Dinner, tomorrow night at 8:00. 610 00:24:31,003 --> 00:24:32,302 Absolutely not. 611 00:24:32,371 --> 00:24:33,671 He says he'd love to. 612 00:24:33,739 --> 00:24:35,172 All right, dear. Bye-bye. 613 00:24:36,208 --> 00:24:38,208 What are friends for? 39549

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