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1
00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:04,570
Up to you, Murray.
2
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,049
This would be a great
hand if we were playing gin.
3
00:00:06,073 --> 00:00:07,850
Be a great game if
you played your hand.
4
00:00:07,874 --> 00:00:10,053
A cop just can't get
a break nowadays.
5
00:00:10,077 --> 00:00:11,009
Cards, Vinnie.
6
00:00:11,078 --> 00:00:12,010
Will you wait a second?
7
00:00:12,079 --> 00:00:13,278
I don't want to lose count.
8
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:14,558
It's a real joy to play
with you, you know that?
9
00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:15,692
Like playing with
an adding machine.
10
00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:16,859
Will you say how
many cards you want?
11
00:00:16,883 --> 00:00:18,950
All right, give
me... give me two.
12
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:19,951
Two. Dealer takes one.
13
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:20,952
I'll bet $2.
14
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,654
You see me?
15
00:00:22,723 --> 00:00:23,755
I see you.
16
00:00:23,824 --> 00:00:24,756
What do you got?
17
00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:25,825
Beat three sevens.
18
00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:27,426
That's what I figured.
19
00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:30,895
You know why?
20
00:00:30,964 --> 00:00:32,275
'Cause I've got a poker face.
21
00:00:32,299 --> 00:00:33,232
You don't have a poker face.
22
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:34,433
Oh, go write a book.
23
00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:35,545
You know what I hate
worse than a poor loser?
24
00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:36,613
An obnoxious winner.
Take your money.
25
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:37,802
Cash me in, fellas.
26
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,449
Hey, wait a minute,
what do you mean?
27
00:00:39,473 --> 00:00:40,405
It's still early.
28
00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:41,751
I've got a date.
29
00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:44,509
She won't mind if you
pick her up a few hours late.
30
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:45,510
She's picking me up.
31
00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:46,690
Good, we'll deal her in.
32
00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:47,790
Oscar, appeal to him, will ya?
33
00:00:47,814 --> 00:00:49,248
He's your friend!
34
00:00:49,316 --> 00:00:50,993
I can't say anything to
him, he really digs this girl.
35
00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:53,298
In fact, he hasn't moaned
about his ex-wife for weeks now.
36
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:55,887
There she is.
37
00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:57,234
Now, fellas, when she
comes in, put on your coats.
38
00:00:57,258 --> 00:00:58,602
What do you mean
put on your coats?
39
00:00:58,626 --> 00:00:59,858
We're playing poker.
40
00:00:59,926 --> 00:01:01,271
All right, but please
watch your language
41
00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:02,606
and stand up like
nice gentlemen.
42
00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:05,030
Who is she, anyway,
Princess Grace?
43
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,767
Hello, darling.
44
00:01:08,836 --> 00:01:10,202
Right on time.
45
00:01:10,270 --> 00:01:11,569
I want you to meet my friends.
46
00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:13,839
Fellas, this is Madelyn.
47
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,284
I think you know Oscar.
48
00:01:15,308 --> 00:01:16,853
Speed, Vinnie and Murray.
49
00:01:16,877 --> 00:01:18,176
Hello.
50
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:19,923
Nice to see you again,
Madelyn, I'd keep standing,
51
00:01:19,947 --> 00:01:20,947
but it's my deal.
52
00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:22,291
Oh, no, that's all right.
53
00:01:22,315 --> 00:01:24,060
I just hope I'm not
interrupting your game.
54
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:25,195
What's there to interrupt?
55
00:01:25,219 --> 00:01:26,384
No one's got any money.
56
00:01:26,453 --> 00:01:27,786
Nobody but Felix.
57
00:01:27,855 --> 00:01:29,565
Why don't you help
yourself to some sandwiches.
58
00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:31,156
No. That's poker food.
59
00:01:31,224 --> 00:01:32,469
I'm going to take you
to a nice restaurant.
60
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:34,493
Come into the kitchen, I
have a surprise for you.
61
00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:36,072
How do you like that?
62
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,807
Poker food's good enough for us.
63
00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:41,099
Gee, that Felix
is doing all right.
64
00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:42,100
Well, I'm not.
65
00:01:42,169 --> 00:01:43,179
Come on, let's play cards.
66
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:44,136
I've seen that girl somewhere.
67
00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:46,082
She works at the library.
68
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,038
How would you ever see her?
69
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,039
No, no, that's not it.
70
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:49,408
But I'm sure I've seen her.
71
00:01:49,476 --> 00:01:50,875
Will you ante, please?
72
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:57,649
Felix, you're always
luring me into the kitchen.
73
00:01:57,717 --> 00:01:59,296
Kitchen is the most
romantic room in the house.
74
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:00,752
Food is sensual.
75
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:03,166
Well, where's my surprise?
76
00:02:03,190 --> 00:02:04,323
Ah.
77
00:02:08,262 --> 00:02:10,362
Felix Unger's special
homemade oatmeal cookies
78
00:02:10,431 --> 00:02:11,763
for you to take home.
79
00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:13,531
Oh, Felix, that's so sweet.
80
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,234
Well, you don't always get
enough time to eat, I think.
81
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,937
You're too thin.
82
00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:20,450
Don't have one now.
It'll spoil your appetite.
83
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:21,754
Just a bite.
84
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:24,977
Mmm. Delicious.
85
00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:28,281
You're right.
86
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:36,721
Murray,
87
00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:39,291
I got four beautiful cards,
but I need one more.
88
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:44,563
Oh, I'm sorry.
89
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:45,797
Where was it? Where was it?
90
00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:47,766
Buy me.
91
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,568
I got it!
92
00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:51,269
It's not your turn.
93
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:54,072
No. I mean, I remembered
where I saw that girl.
94
00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:55,440
It was only last week.
95
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:57,743
I arrested her for
indecent exposure.
96
00:03:06,153 --> 00:03:10,021
On November 13, Felix Unger
was asked to remove himself
97
00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:12,257
from his place of residence.
98
00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:14,859
That request came from his wife.
99
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:17,028
Deep down, he
knew she was right,
100
00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:20,432
but he also knew that
someday he would return to her.
101
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:22,134
With nowhere else to go,
102
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:25,604
he appeared at the home of his
childhood friend, Oscar Madison.
103
00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:28,874
Sometime earlier, Madison's
wife had thrown him out
104
00:03:28,943 --> 00:03:30,943
requesting that he never return.
105
00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:33,478
Can two divorced
men share an apartment
106
00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:35,681
without driving
each other crazy?
107
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:28,878
You arrested her for what?
108
00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:31,380
On a morals charge...
Indecent exposure.
109
00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:32,804
Boy, what a relief.
110
00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:34,506
A relief?
111
00:04:34,575 --> 00:04:37,476
Yeah. If I hadn't
remembered, I'd be up all night.
112
00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:42,481
Hey, I wonder if Felix knows.
113
00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:44,683
There's nothing to
know. She's a librarian.
114
00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:45,752
Let's play cards.
115
00:04:45,819 --> 00:04:49,221
Hey... maybe she's
a topless librarian.
116
00:04:50,723 --> 00:04:53,391
You're crazy. Madelyn's
a sweet lovely girl.
117
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:54,492
Come on, will ya?
118
00:04:54,561 --> 00:04:55,927
Oscar's right.
119
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:58,496
A nice girl like that wouldn't
get indecently exposed
120
00:04:58,565 --> 00:05:00,509
unless it was for a
very good reason.
121
00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:03,368
Listen, you heard of
those off-Broadway plays
122
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:05,437
where nobody wears any clothes?
123
00:05:05,505 --> 00:05:06,738
She's in one of those?
124
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,906
She's the lead in one of those.
125
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,575
I don't believe that.
126
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:11,710
Me neither.
127
00:05:11,779 --> 00:05:13,845
Hey, what's the
name of the play?
128
00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:15,580
Bathtub.
129
00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,517
Well, that don't
sound so dirty to me.
130
00:05:18,585 --> 00:05:20,319
I've heard of that play.
131
00:05:20,387 --> 00:05:21,953
It's not a dirty play.
132
00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:23,422
One reviewer said
133
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:27,025
that it was a stunning
reappraisal of social values.
134
00:05:27,093 --> 00:05:31,095
Looked more like a naked
reappraisal of social values.
135
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,565
Are you trying to tell
me that sweet librarian
136
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:35,644
is the lead in a nude
off-Broadway show?
137
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:38,035
Oscar, we raid the
place every week.
138
00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:40,638
Yeah, but Murray,
it's a very moral play.
139
00:05:40,707 --> 00:05:43,875
I understand that they
have this huge bathtub
140
00:05:43,943 --> 00:05:45,309
that symbolizes the world
141
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:48,046
and then the actors
symbolize humanity
142
00:05:48,114 --> 00:05:49,448
cleansing themselves.
143
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:50,448
Nude?
144
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:53,284
You can't take a bath
with your clothes on.
145
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:54,952
You're crazy.
146
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,187
It just doesn't fit.
147
00:05:56,256 --> 00:05:58,756
I never forget a face.
148
00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:01,292
In a play like that,
who looks at a face?
149
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,601
Well... oh, Vinnie,
where's my money?
150
00:06:10,670 --> 00:06:12,103
Oh.
151
00:06:15,108 --> 00:06:16,441
We have to go, fellas.
152
00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,510
Feel free. We don't
want to keep you.
153
00:06:19,446 --> 00:06:21,123
We don't want
to rush you either.
154
00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:24,382
We don't want to keep you
and we don't want to rush you.
155
00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:26,429
It was nice to meet you all.
156
00:06:26,453 --> 00:06:27,719
Have a good game.
157
00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:29,186
Thanks a lot, Felix.
158
00:06:29,255 --> 00:06:30,455
With what you left us,
159
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:32,557
we might just as
well play strip poker.
160
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:47,540
Hi.
161
00:06:47,607 --> 00:06:48,751
What are you doing up so early?
162
00:06:48,775 --> 00:06:50,642
Don't sit there. You
know better than that.
163
00:06:50,710 --> 00:06:51,643
I couldn't sleep.
164
00:06:51,711 --> 00:06:52,644
Had your breakfast?
165
00:06:52,712 --> 00:06:53,645
No, I'm not hungry.
166
00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:54,646
I'm just gonna nibble.
167
00:06:54,714 --> 00:06:57,074
Have a good time last night?
168
00:06:58,017 --> 00:06:59,584
Fantastic.
169
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:01,719
I always have a good
time with Madelyn.
170
00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:03,065
You really like her, huh?
171
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:05,389
She's the greatest
girl I've ever met.
172
00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:07,859
Wow, that's a
pretty big statement
173
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,528
for a girl you don't
know very long.
174
00:07:10,597 --> 00:07:11,841
How long does it take?
175
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:14,398
I've dated enough girls
to know when it's right.
176
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:15,633
It's right.
177
00:07:15,702 --> 00:07:17,669
She's done the impossible.
178
00:07:17,737 --> 00:07:18,870
What's that?
179
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,683
Made me stop
thinking about Gloria.
180
00:07:20,707 --> 00:07:23,708
Has it ever occurred
to you to use a napkin?
181
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,443
Hold that over the sink.
182
00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:28,580
I hope you're not
rushing in to anything.
183
00:07:28,648 --> 00:07:31,382
You know, I dated my
ex-wife for six years.
184
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:33,685
Still turned out
that I was rushing.
185
00:07:33,753 --> 00:07:36,220
How can you eat a
pickle, chocolate cookies
186
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,622
and beer for breakfast?
187
00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:38,890
Are you kidding?
188
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,992
Breakfast is the most
important meal of the day.
189
00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:42,894
Besides, I want to
talk about Madelyn.
190
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,173
I thought you liked her.
191
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,030
I do, I do, but I'm a reporter
192
00:07:46,099 --> 00:07:47,198
and I'm curious.
193
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:48,611
She has no sisters
or eligible girlfriends,
194
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,413
so if you think you're
going to horn in on that...
195
00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:51,514
That's not what I was thinking.
196
00:07:51,538 --> 00:07:52,815
For instance, like,
what does she do
197
00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:54,150
when she's not with
you for instance?
198
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:55,640
She does the laundry.
199
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:59,344
She cleans her apartment,
she works at the library.
200
00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:01,424
She depends on
me for excitement.
201
00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:02,492
Oh, do you use her library?
202
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:03,792
I mean, do you
ever see her at work?
203
00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:05,161
Nah, the branch is too far away.
204
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,484
Where is it?
205
00:08:06,553 --> 00:08:09,073
I don't know, somewhere
off Broadway she said.
206
00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:47,892
Pardon me, please.
207
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:48,893
Excuse me.
208
00:08:48,961 --> 00:08:50,428
Excuse me, sir.
209
00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:51,663
Vinnie.
210
00:08:51,731 --> 00:08:53,008
Oscar.
211
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:55,600
Hey, Vinnie, Oscar.
212
00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:57,068
What are you doing here?
213
00:08:57,136 --> 00:08:58,403
Same thing you're doing here.
214
00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:00,082
I'm here because
my best friend's girl
215
00:09:00,106 --> 00:09:01,339
may not be on the level.
216
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:03,252
Well, that's part of
the reason I'm here.
217
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:04,654
Let's face it, Oscar,
218
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:06,656
we're all dying of curiosity.
219
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,057
Hey, don't I know you
220
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,981
from the peekaboo movie houses?
221
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,482
Your name's Mel, right?
222
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,950
You got the wrong guy.
223
00:09:13,019 --> 00:09:14,452
Turn around, will you?
224
00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:17,255
I want to just make
sure it's Madelyn.
225
00:09:17,324 --> 00:09:18,690
Well, even if it isn't,
226
00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:20,303
we're still in for a great
evening at the theater.
227
00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,047
Watching your best
friend's girl take a bath
228
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:23,095
is great theater?
229
00:09:23,162 --> 00:09:24,095
You said it, buddy.
230
00:09:24,163 --> 00:09:25,329
It's aesthetic.
231
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:26,330
You going to turn around, Mel?
232
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,399
What are you going to do?
233
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:31,781
You have to give this
new theater a chance
234
00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:33,337
before you condemn it.
235
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:36,052
Besides, this sort of thing
is making a lot of money.
236
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,175
It's got to.
237
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,210
They don't spend a
dime on wardrobe.
238
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,165
See? There's nothing
wrong with that.
239
00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:51,901
Look, I think that the
actors are holding hands
240
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,365
to symbolize the
brotherhood of man.
241
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,161
They're stark naked.
242
00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:58,263
My brother's 41 years old.
243
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,031
I never saw him naked.
244
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,333
There they go in the tub.
245
00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:06,370
What was that?
246
00:10:06,439 --> 00:10:08,217
Audience involvement.
247
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:11,387
The water of life seeps over me,
248
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,111
but it does not cleanse.
249
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:14,545
Why? Why?
250
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,815
It cannot cleanse
without the soap.
251
00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:19,117
We're all waiting
for the soap of life.
252
00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:21,252
I'm waiting for
the towel of life.
253
00:10:21,321 --> 00:10:23,922
When will the
soap of life arrive?
254
00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:25,356
Who knows?
255
00:10:25,425 --> 00:10:26,757
No one knows.
256
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:28,860
Wonder when
they'll stand up again.
257
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:32,496
Will you get out of...
258
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:34,665
Do you know what I am?
259
00:10:34,734 --> 00:10:36,434
Crazy. Get off me, will you?
260
00:10:36,502 --> 00:10:38,002
I am the rubber ducky.
261
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:39,570
You look like a penguin.
262
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:42,118
Don't be a wise guy. I
am the rubber ducky.
263
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,674
Somebody get the
rubber ducky off me?
264
00:10:43,743 --> 00:10:45,321
Relax, Oscar. He's
part of the play.
265
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:46,465
Yeah, relax.
266
00:10:46,512 --> 00:10:48,291
I am a messenger
from the bathtub.
267
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:50,715
I accuse you, sir, of
war, poverty and pollution.
268
00:10:50,783 --> 00:10:52,394
Come cleanse
yourself in the tub.
269
00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:54,130
Come on, give me a
break, will ya, rubber ducky?
270
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:55,519
All right, stay dirty.
271
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:57,155
Madam, how about you?
272
00:10:57,224 --> 00:11:01,359
Whatever happened to
plays like Timeout For Ginger?
273
00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:03,172
Hello, hello.
274
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:05,716
Who else will come
into the bathtub?
275
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:11,970
Oh, boy.
276
00:11:12,038 --> 00:11:13,081
Come on in.
277
00:11:13,105 --> 00:11:14,684
The water of life is great.
278
00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:16,251
What's the matter, Oscar?
279
00:11:16,275 --> 00:11:17,809
Take a look over there.
280
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:22,047
Please help me.
281
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:25,583
I'm wrapped in a
towel of indifference.
282
00:11:25,652 --> 00:11:27,018
Hey, that's Madelyn.
283
00:11:27,087 --> 00:11:28,764
Shed your indifference
284
00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:30,866
and join us in the bathtub.
285
00:11:30,890 --> 00:11:33,991
Oh, but I don't
know if I should.
286
00:11:36,996 --> 00:11:38,307
Take it off, baby.
287
00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:39,697
Be aesthetic.
288
00:11:39,766 --> 00:11:41,433
That's what she's doing.
289
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,701
She's throwing in the towel.
290
00:11:56,016 --> 00:11:59,150
Hey, aren't you the
rubber ducky from the play?
291
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,852
No, I'm a maitre d'
from the North Pole.
292
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:05,167
Oh, fella, listen,
do you work here?
293
00:12:05,191 --> 00:12:06,590
Yeah, I'm the producer
294
00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:08,059
and you can't see
any of the girls.
295
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,939
And if you want a program,
it'll cost you a buck and a half.
296
00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:11,540
No. I'm a personal
friend of Madelyn Waters.
297
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,764
Could you tell me where
her dressing room is?
298
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:16,145
What would she need
with a dressing room?
299
00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,180
Will you stop with the
jokes, Speed, this is serious.
300
00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:20,671
Sure, it's serious,
but it's also comical.
301
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:21,773
What is?
302
00:12:21,841 --> 00:12:23,240
Avant-garde theater.
303
00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:25,354
All I know is this is the
first play I've ever seen
304
00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:27,155
that left a ring
around the stage.
305
00:12:27,179 --> 00:12:28,813
Another joke, huh, Speed?
306
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:31,816
Miss Waters' dressing
room is right over there.
307
00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:33,083
Fellas, whoa, whoa.
308
00:12:33,152 --> 00:12:34,497
Come on, now, look,
I don't think it's right
309
00:12:34,521 --> 00:12:36,632
for all of us to go
and see Madelyn.
310
00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:38,634
Oh, you think she might
feel like she's facing a jury?
311
00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:40,703
Right. You know, I think I
should just go see her alone.
312
00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:42,605
Look, Oscar, we don't
want to put you on the spot,
313
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:43,928
but Felix is our friend, too.
314
00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:45,875
Yeah, but he's always
used to me butting in.
315
00:12:45,899 --> 00:12:47,364
Oscar's right.
316
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,867
I mean, if he's going to
hate somebody for interfering,
317
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:52,169
he might as well
hate his best friend.
318
00:12:52,238 --> 00:12:53,849
Thanks a lot, Vinnie.
319
00:12:53,873 --> 00:12:55,372
Okay, let's wait outside.
320
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:58,008
You know, I wonder why
she's keeping things from Felix.
321
00:12:58,077 --> 00:12:59,321
I don't know.
322
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:01,390
But she didn't keep
anything from us.
323
00:13:08,855 --> 00:13:10,387
Oh, just a minute.
324
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:11,522
I'm not dressed.
325
00:13:21,233 --> 00:13:22,600
Yes?
326
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,535
Oh, Oscar.
327
00:13:24,604 --> 00:13:26,136
Hi, Madelyn.
328
00:13:26,205 --> 00:13:27,705
Hello.
329
00:13:27,774 --> 00:13:29,507
Did you see the play?
330
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:31,008
Yeah, I saw the play.
331
00:13:31,077 --> 00:13:32,376
Were you shocked?
332
00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:34,323
No. I understand avant-garde.
333
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:37,114
Some of it's serious,
some of it's comedy.
334
00:13:37,183 --> 00:13:38,349
You were shocked.
335
00:13:38,417 --> 00:13:39,628
I was shocked.
336
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:40,852
Well, you shouldn't be, Oscar,
337
00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:42,787
after all, it's a
perfectly legitimate play.
338
00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,188
It even won an award.
339
00:13:44,256 --> 00:13:46,234
I'm a sportswriter,
not a drama critic.
340
00:13:46,258 --> 00:13:48,370
I tell you one thing, I know I
don't like the rubber ducky.
341
00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:50,995
I thought you were a librarian.
342
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:52,430
Yes...
343
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:55,533
I know. You work at the
library during the day...
344
00:13:55,601 --> 00:13:57,246
No. Three days a week you
work at the library, and then you...
345
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:59,737
Do you have a library card?
346
00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:02,073
Oscar, I'm an actress.
347
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:03,741
There is no library.
348
00:14:03,809 --> 00:14:05,587
That means you lied to Felix.
349
00:14:05,611 --> 00:14:06,944
No!
350
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:09,947
I... well, I meant...
I meant to tell him,
351
00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:12,683
but I-I just wanted
to make it gradual.
352
00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:14,864
Well, what do you call gradual?
353
00:14:14,888 --> 00:14:16,854
"Felix, I'm a librarian."
354
00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:19,657
"Felix, I'm a librarian
in the anatomy section."
355
00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:22,693
No, no, look, Oscar, I
really do care about Felix.
356
00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:25,863
I mean, he's so sweet
and he's understanding,
357
00:14:25,932 --> 00:14:29,199
but I just don't think
he'd understand this.
358
00:14:29,268 --> 00:14:32,570
I mean... you see,
I just wanted to wait
359
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:35,940
until we got to know
each other a little better.
360
00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,374
That your costume, huh?
361
00:14:37,443 --> 00:14:38,676
Yeah.
362
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:40,210
You know him six weeks.
363
00:14:40,279 --> 00:14:43,280
Were you going to wait until
you were walking down the aisle
364
00:14:43,349 --> 00:14:46,350
and then say, "Felix, I'm
an actress in a nude play"?
365
00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,318
I want to tell him, Oscar.
366
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:49,520
You got to tell him.
367
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,509
I mean I can't
let you lie to him.
368
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:54,792
Oh, you're right.
369
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:56,460
You're right, Oscar.
370
00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,997
I'll tell him on our next date.
371
00:15:00,066 --> 00:15:01,877
Attagirl. The truth
is always better.
372
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,979
When my ex-wife
finally told me the truth,
373
00:15:04,003 --> 00:15:05,336
it solved all our problems.
374
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:06,904
What did she tell you?
375
00:15:06,973 --> 00:15:08,133
That she wanted a divorce.
376
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,245
No, Murray. I'm
glad you told me.
377
00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:16,058
This way I was able
to talk to Madelyn.
378
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:18,515
I told her she had
to tell Felix the truth.
379
00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:20,495
Of course she was
wearing clothes.
380
00:15:20,519 --> 00:15:21,886
Listen, I better call you back.
381
00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:23,354
Felix is home. Bye-bye.
382
00:15:25,324 --> 00:15:27,424
Hi, buddy. You're home early.
383
00:15:30,463 --> 00:15:31,829
How you feeling?
384
00:15:35,201 --> 00:15:37,001
What is it, Felix?
385
00:15:40,506 --> 00:15:42,373
Oh, boy, something's the matter.
386
00:15:42,441 --> 00:15:45,042
I never saw you make
a sloppy drink before.
387
00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:46,811
It's Madelyn, huh?
388
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:49,158
I'd rather not talk about it.
389
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:50,547
She told you...
390
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:53,117
I mean, I bet she
told you something.
391
00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:54,886
She told me something.
392
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,021
It's destroyed me.
393
00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:58,722
Felix, whatever she told you,
394
00:15:58,792 --> 00:16:00,958
Madelyn is still a
sweet, lovely girl.
395
00:16:01,027 --> 00:16:02,359
Nothing has changed.
396
00:16:02,428 --> 00:16:04,095
Everything's changed.
397
00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,230
She told me the truth.
398
00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:08,699
The truth is better
than a lie, Felix.
399
00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:10,467
Not this time.
400
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:13,137
Her ship sails tomorrow.
401
00:16:13,206 --> 00:16:15,239
"Her ship sails tomorrow"?
402
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:17,708
What are you talking about?
403
00:16:17,777 --> 00:16:20,744
Madelyn took a job
at a library in Peru.
404
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,716
In Peru?
405
00:16:31,857 --> 00:16:33,924
Felix.
406
00:16:35,628 --> 00:16:36,661
Felix?
407
00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:41,277
You're going to mess up my room.
408
00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:42,378
What are you doing?
409
00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:44,135
I don't want to mess up my room.
410
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,503
I have to throw things.
411
00:16:45,571 --> 00:16:46,871
Not the sandwich.
412
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,985
I'm not through with it yet.
413
00:16:49,009 --> 00:16:50,308
My midnight snack.
414
00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:52,543
She never cared for me.
415
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,445
Of course she cared for you.
416
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:57,081
That's why she told you
she was going to Peru.
417
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:59,828
Bringing the Dewey
decimal system to the Incas.
418
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:02,320
How can you believe
such a wild story, Felix?
419
00:17:02,389 --> 00:17:03,621
Will you tell me that?
420
00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:04,766
Not so wild.
421
00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:06,991
The Incas will love her.
422
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:09,093
Felix, the truth
is much simpler.
423
00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:10,527
See, Felix...
424
00:17:10,596 --> 00:17:13,631
she's a naked actress
in an off-Broadway play.
425
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:17,634
Oh, Oscar, this is no
time to be kidding me.
426
00:17:17,703 --> 00:17:20,138
Why would I kid
about a thing like that?
427
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:22,106
Felix.
428
00:17:22,174 --> 00:17:23,674
Felix, listen to me.
429
00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:26,511
Felix, she was
afraid to tell you.
430
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,924
She's working in a
play called Bathtub.
431
00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:31,382
That's the lowest,
most abominable thing
432
00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:32,884
you've ever said to me.
433
00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:34,430
Some people think it's art.
434
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:35,953
Please don't sit on my bed.
435
00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:37,600
What are you worried about?
436
00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:39,156
It's a terrible thing to say.
437
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:40,491
A woman I care for...
438
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,538
even if the play
got good notices.
439
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,595
Felix, it's not such
a terrible thing,
440
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:46,831
and that's why she's
afraid to tell you.
441
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:47,932
You're such a Boy Scout.
442
00:17:48,000 --> 00:17:49,144
You think by putting her down,
443
00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:50,345
you're gonna make
me feel better?
444
00:17:50,369 --> 00:17:51,447
It's not going to work.
445
00:17:51,471 --> 00:17:53,070
Felix, I am not trying
to put her down.
446
00:17:53,139 --> 00:17:55,640
I just want you to know
she is not a librarian,
447
00:17:55,708 --> 00:17:57,274
she's an actress... nude.
448
00:17:57,343 --> 00:18:00,377
You're pushing me
too far, Oscar Madison.
449
00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:02,413
All right, killer, that's it.
450
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:03,848
Let's go.
451
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:05,516
We're getting out of here.
452
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:06,595
Where we going?
453
00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:08,018
Visit the Incas.
454
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:19,797
I accuse you of causing
war, poverty and pollution.
455
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:21,444
Cleanse yourself in the tub.
456
00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:24,101
I'm glad we got here
after the rubber ducky.
457
00:18:24,170 --> 00:18:26,136
Looked more like a penguin.
458
00:18:26,205 --> 00:18:28,685
Shh. Don't be a wise guy.
459
00:18:30,142 --> 00:18:31,241
This is dumb.
460
00:18:31,310 --> 00:18:32,677
I was going to see this
461
00:18:32,745 --> 00:18:34,479
with my theater group, anyway.
462
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:36,091
Will you just watch the play?
463
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,827
Hello, hello.
464
00:18:37,851 --> 00:18:40,228
Who else will come
into the bathtub?
465
00:18:40,252 --> 00:18:42,252
Come on in.
466
00:18:42,321 --> 00:18:44,166
The water of life is great.
467
00:18:44,190 --> 00:18:47,091
Hiya, Mel. It's good
to see you again.
468
00:18:47,159 --> 00:18:48,459
Shh.
469
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:49,927
What's this "Mel" business?
470
00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:53,063
You leading a secret life I
don't know anything about?
471
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,492
I'm not the only one, Felix.
472
00:18:57,704 --> 00:18:59,069
Prepare yourself.
473
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,907
Please, help me.
474
00:19:02,976 --> 00:19:06,243
I'm wrapped in a
towel of indifference.
475
00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:09,580
Shed your indifference
and join us in the bathtub.
476
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:12,316
Oh, but I don't
know if I should.
477
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:13,385
Don't!
478
00:19:13,452 --> 00:19:14,385
Felix.
479
00:19:14,453 --> 00:19:15,453
Don't!
480
00:19:15,522 --> 00:19:17,488
Oh! Oh!
481
00:19:17,557 --> 00:19:20,457
Hey! He put his coat
over the best part!
482
00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:25,530
Oh, leave him alone.
483
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:26,964
Don't hurt him.
484
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:28,033
Stop it.
485
00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:32,904
Oh, let him alone.
486
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:34,438
Come on, let him alone.
487
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:35,706
Let him alone? Why?
488
00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:37,520
So he can put clothes
on the rest of my actors?
489
00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:38,475
He didn't hurt anybody.
490
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:39,677
Are you kidding?
491
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:41,290
I've got to give everyone
their money back.
492
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:43,158
Give him a break. He loves her.
493
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:44,348
So does everyone else,
494
00:19:44,416 --> 00:19:46,116
but they don't drag
her off the stage.
495
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:47,185
It's all my fault.
496
00:19:47,253 --> 00:19:48,253
No, it's not.
497
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:50,355
Raid, raid!
498
00:19:50,422 --> 00:19:52,422
Okay, line up. You
know the routine.
499
00:19:52,491 --> 00:19:54,925
Murray. Murray.
500
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:57,873
Murray, you wouldn't do
this if I was David Merrick.
501
00:19:57,897 --> 00:19:59,975
I didn't know you
guys would be here.
502
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,232
Neither did I.
503
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:03,820
All right, I'll take
charge of this group.
504
00:20:04,503 --> 00:20:07,505
We got a complaint on a riot.
505
00:20:07,573 --> 00:20:09,106
I started it.
506
00:20:10,943 --> 00:20:12,376
I didn't hear that.
507
00:20:12,445 --> 00:20:13,922
He said he started...
508
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:16,447
If he started the riot,
I got to arrest him.
509
00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:17,893
So I didn't hear
he started the riot.
510
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:18,928
You've got a heart of gold.
511
00:20:18,952 --> 00:20:20,851
That's very nice, Murray.
512
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,154
I'll just arrest Madelyn.
513
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,589
How can you do that?
514
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:27,391
Easy. I do it once a week.
515
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:28,759
It's my duty.
516
00:20:28,827 --> 00:20:30,505
Don't worry, Felix, I'll be
out in a couple of hours.
517
00:20:30,529 --> 00:20:31,607
I can't wait a couple of hours.
518
00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:32,774
I want to talk to you now.
519
00:20:32,798 --> 00:20:34,476
How could you
do a thing like that?
520
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:36,166
I'm supposed to
take in the whole cast.
521
00:20:36,235 --> 00:20:37,534
She's the lead.
522
00:20:37,603 --> 00:20:39,214
You want me to get in
trouble with the actors' union?
523
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,837
Who's gonna know about it?
524
00:20:40,906 --> 00:20:42,740
Give them ten minutes alone.
525
00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:48,557
All right, men, let's
search the dressing rooms.
526
00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:49,581
Pig!
527
00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:50,748
Penguin.
528
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:52,783
Mel, what's going on?
529
00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:53,852
None of your business.
530
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:54,818
Oh, yes, it is.
531
00:20:54,887 --> 00:20:55,986
Why?
532
00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:57,165
Because, I'm the
author of this play.
533
00:20:57,189 --> 00:20:58,122
Where's my producer?
534
00:20:58,190 --> 00:20:59,857
Bruce, I'm sorry.
535
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:01,236
Listen, get yourself
another duck.
536
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,993
And I want two weeks
severance pay from you.
537
00:21:03,062 --> 00:21:04,128
Look, keep the costume...
538
00:21:04,196 --> 00:21:05,941
Okay, load them up in the wagon.
539
00:21:05,965 --> 00:21:08,866
Bruce, Bruce, we got a hit here.
540
00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:10,100
No, no. He didn't mean me.
541
00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:11,302
I'm a friend of Murray's.
542
00:21:11,371 --> 00:21:12,470
I'm not in the play.
543
00:21:12,538 --> 00:21:13,616
Stay out of show business.
544
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,406
Why don't you get
mugged by a walrus?
545
00:21:15,475 --> 00:21:16,540
I'll hit you.
546
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,809
I'd like to give you one...
547
00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:22,647
W-What do you want, Felix?
548
00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:27,117
Do you want me to
give up my career?
549
00:21:27,186 --> 00:21:28,364
No.
550
00:21:28,388 --> 00:21:29,632
Why should I look
at you differently
551
00:21:29,656 --> 00:21:31,333
just because you're
not wearing clothes?
552
00:21:31,357 --> 00:21:33,357
But you're not the only one.
553
00:21:33,426 --> 00:21:35,959
I wouldn't care if the
whole world went naked.
554
00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:38,028
Might even be neater.
555
00:21:38,097 --> 00:21:40,731
But, Felix, you and I
hit if off so well together
556
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:42,833
because you thought
I was a librarian.
557
00:21:42,902 --> 00:21:45,303
No, not because I thought
you were a librarian.
558
00:21:45,371 --> 00:21:46,937
Because you're you.
559
00:21:48,207 --> 00:21:49,640
You mean, my being in the play
560
00:21:49,709 --> 00:21:51,275
really doesn't bother you?
561
00:21:51,343 --> 00:21:52,354
Absolutely not.
562
00:21:52,378 --> 00:21:53,944
Oh, Felix. Then why did you
563
00:21:54,013 --> 00:21:55,946
run up on stage and cover me up?
564
00:21:56,015 --> 00:21:57,481
Just an impulsive action.
565
00:21:57,550 --> 00:21:59,850
I suddenly saw a
naked librarian there.
566
00:21:59,919 --> 00:22:01,351
I didn't see an actress.
567
00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:04,388
But you lied to me.
568
00:22:04,456 --> 00:22:07,091
You had no faith in me.
569
00:22:07,160 --> 00:22:09,893
Why didn't you trust me?
570
00:22:09,962 --> 00:22:11,395
Oh, but, Felix,
571
00:22:11,464 --> 00:22:13,764
can't you understand
why I lied to you?
572
00:22:15,834 --> 00:22:18,135
I'm ready, Murray.
573
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:24,541
Madelyn, keep the coat.
574
00:22:28,981 --> 00:22:31,059
You idiot! You broke my beak!
575
00:22:31,083 --> 00:22:33,295
If you don't get out of my
way, I'll pluck your feathers.
576
00:22:33,319 --> 00:22:35,852
Thanks, officer.
577
00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:37,841
And you, I hope
your igloo melts!
578
00:22:43,629 --> 00:22:45,029
Hey, buddy.
579
00:22:45,097 --> 00:22:47,577
How'd it go with Madelyn?
580
00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:50,445
It's all my fault, isn't it?
581
00:22:50,469 --> 00:22:52,670
No. No.
582
00:23:00,713 --> 00:23:01,713
This looks like
583
00:23:01,781 --> 00:23:03,547
the little theater
we had in college.
584
00:23:06,151 --> 00:23:08,185
Yeah.
585
00:23:10,723 --> 00:23:12,590
I played Jaques.
586
00:23:15,428 --> 00:23:17,895
"All the world's a stage."
587
00:23:19,832 --> 00:23:22,767
"All the world's a stage...
588
00:23:22,835 --> 00:23:28,873
"and all the men and
women merely players
589
00:23:28,941 --> 00:23:33,310
and each man in his
time plays many parts."
590
00:23:33,379 --> 00:23:35,413
Hey, that's great.
591
00:23:37,983 --> 00:23:39,750
No. I played the fool then
592
00:23:39,819 --> 00:23:41,886
and I played the fool tonight.
593
00:23:41,954 --> 00:23:43,131
Felix, in my opinion,
594
00:23:43,155 --> 00:23:45,322
you were the best
thing in the show tonight.
595
00:23:58,203 --> 00:23:59,670
Hi, Felix.
596
00:24:02,008 --> 00:24:03,641
Hi, buddy.
597
00:24:05,177 --> 00:24:06,677
Next question.
598
00:24:06,746 --> 00:24:09,580
Come on, Felix, there's
going to be a lot of other girls.
599
00:24:10,750 --> 00:24:13,550
If it's for me,
tell them I died.
600
00:24:13,619 --> 00:24:14,830
Hello?
601
00:24:14,854 --> 00:24:16,031
Oh, hi, Gloria.
602
00:24:16,055 --> 00:24:17,065
Your ex-wife.
603
00:24:17,089 --> 00:24:18,388
I'm not here. Not here.
604
00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:19,737
Yes, he's here.
605
00:24:19,792 --> 00:24:22,126
I won't talk to her.
I won't talk to her.
606
00:24:22,194 --> 00:24:23,905
He says he's glad you called.
607
00:24:23,929 --> 00:24:26,296
Tell her I'm going out,
got a date with the actress.
608
00:24:26,365 --> 00:24:29,199
Nothing. He was sitting
around listening to music.
609
00:24:29,268 --> 00:24:30,979
Dinner, tomorrow night at 8:00.
610
00:24:31,003 --> 00:24:32,302
Absolutely not.
611
00:24:32,371 --> 00:24:33,671
He says he'd love to.
612
00:24:33,739 --> 00:24:35,172
All right, dear. Bye-bye.
613
00:24:36,208 --> 00:24:38,208
What are friends for?
39549
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