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1
00:00:03,900 --> 00:00:07,000
Cheers is filmedbefore a live studio audience.
2
00:00:08,900 --> 00:00:11,600
I hate this uniform.
3
00:00:12,300 --> 00:00:13,500
It is ugly.
4
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:17,000
It makes me look like
a beached whale.
5
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,600
And on top of everything
6
00:00:18,700 --> 00:00:21,700
I can't find any earrings
to go with it.
7
00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,300
Try some broccoli.
8
00:00:23,300 --> 00:00:24,100
Ha-ha-ha!
9
00:00:24,100 --> 00:00:27,200
I mean it, Sam.
I really hate it.
10
00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:28,100
I used to like it,
11
00:00:28,100 --> 00:00:29,700
but now I'm getting
kind of tired of it.
12
00:00:29,700 --> 00:00:33,000
Feel like I'm wearing
the same thing every day.
13
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,800
Listen, I'm not a big fan
of them either
14
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,700
but let's just
give it our best here.
15
00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:38,100
Come on. Come on.
16
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:39,100
Come on, Sam...
No, no, don't...
17
00:00:39,100 --> 00:00:42,800
Can't you just talk
to the Iron Maiden?
18
00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:44,500
Convince her
to get rid of them.
19
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:46,200
Come on.
Oh...
20
00:00:48,100 --> 00:00:49,800
Miss Howe, uh...
21
00:00:49,900 --> 00:00:51,100
about the uniforms.
22
00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:52,600
Oh, I'm glad
you reminded me.
23
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:54,500
The dry cleaning plant
is on strike.
24
00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:56,300
Now, we may not have
fresh uniforms
25
00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:57,300
for at least a week,
26
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,200
so I want you to be
extra careful with those.
27
00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,800
Oops.
28
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:21,200
Oh, no.
29
00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:23,700
Um...
30
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,500
you guys are going
to get it.
31
00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:28,300
Didn't you hear
32
00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:30,000
what Miss Howe
just got through...
33
00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:33,400
( laughing )
34
00:01:33,500 --> 00:01:35,200
I get it.
35
00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:37,000
SAM:
Yo...
36
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:42,900
( piano plays )
37
00:01:42,900 --> 00:01:45,400
� Making your way
in the world today �
38
00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:48,500
� Takes everything you've got
39
00:01:48,500 --> 00:01:51,300
� Taking a break
from all your worries �
40
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:54,400
� Sure would help a lot
41
00:01:54,500 --> 00:01:59,700
� Wouldn't you like
to get away? �
42
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,500
� Sometimes you want to go
43
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:07,400
� Where everybody
knows your name �
44
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:12,600
� And they're always glad
you came �
45
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,600
� You want to be
where you can see �
46
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:17,600
� Our troubles
are all the same �
47
00:02:17,700 --> 00:02:22,400
� You want to be where everybody
knows your name �
48
00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,500
� You want to go
where people know �
49
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:27,700
� People are all the same
50
00:02:27,700 --> 00:02:32,200
� You want to go where
everybody knows your name. �
51
00:02:52,600 --> 00:02:54,600
Hi, everybody.
52
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:56,000
Hey, Dave.
53
00:02:56,000 --> 00:02:57,300
All right.
54
00:02:57,400 --> 00:02:59,000
How are you?
I know who you are.
55
00:02:59,100 --> 00:03:00,100
I've seen you
on the news.
56
00:03:00,100 --> 00:03:01,200
I can't believe it.
57
00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:02,000
Hey, everybody.
58
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:04,100
It's Dave Richards,
Channel 10.
59
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,300
Channel 13.
60
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:06,500
Oh, sorry.
61
00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:07,800
Never mind.
62
00:03:10,700 --> 00:03:13,300
Sam, I got a proposition
for you.
63
00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:14,200
No, no, no...
64
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:15,200
if she's not good
enough for you,
65
00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:16,000
I sure don't want her.
66
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:18,800
No, no, it's nothing like that.
67
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:20,000
You see,
I have to give up
68
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,600
my TV spot, I on Sports.
69
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:23,900
They're looking
for a fill-in
70
00:03:23,900 --> 00:03:26,200
for the week and I thought
you might be interested.
71
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:28,300
Boy, sports on TV...
72
00:03:28,300 --> 00:03:30,700
I've never really considered
that.
73
00:03:30,700 --> 00:03:34,400
( with deep voice ):
Think I'd be any good at it?
74
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,300
Who knows? It may turn out
to be a permanent gig for you.
75
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:37,500
That's how I got my start.
76
00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,700
Whoo, boy, I don't know.
77
00:03:39,700 --> 00:03:41,200
Oh, come on, Sam.
78
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:42,300
Come on.
79
00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:43,700
Every time we watch Dave,
80
00:03:43,700 --> 00:03:46,100
you say, "I can do better
than that stump."
81
00:03:48,900 --> 00:03:50,600
Thank you, Carla.
You're too kind.
82
00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:52,000
Come on, Sam.
83
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:52,900
You'd be great.
84
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,800
You talk good like me
and you're handsome.
85
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:56,700
NORM:
Of course, Sam.
86
00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:58,200
What do you say?
Listen...
87
00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:00,400
if I were you, okay--
and believe me,
88
00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:02,700
not a day goes by
I don't wish I were--
89
00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:04,100
I would take this job.
90
00:04:04,100 --> 00:04:05,400
Sam, look...
91
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:09,100
It's a lot of fun.
92
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,000
You see, you get
to sit behind this desk.
93
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,300
You don't have
to wear pants.
94
00:04:12,900 --> 00:04:14,800
It's my little joke
on the audience.
95
00:04:17,700 --> 00:04:22,300
I do know sports,
and I'm articulate at that.
96
00:04:22,300 --> 00:04:23,300
Hey, you know something?
97
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:24,500
I'm going to do it.
98
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,000
All right!
99
00:04:26,100 --> 00:04:26,900
Congratulations.
100
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:27,600
Thanks, man.
101
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:28,500
You're on at 11:00.
102
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:29,600
Wait a minute. Tonight?
103
00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:31,600
Without any preparation
or anything?
104
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:32,900
Sure, I do it all the time.
105
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:37,000
Look, I want you to get down
to Wardrobe ASAP, huh?
106
00:04:37,100 --> 00:04:37,700
All right.
107
00:04:37,700 --> 00:04:39,100
See ya.
108
00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:40,300
Wait, wait, wait. Whoa, man.
109
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:42,600
Who do I talk to over there?
110
00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:46,000
A very good friend of mine,
Phil somebody or another.
111
00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:49,000
I forget. Anyway,
I got to get going,
meet my lady.
112
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,200
She's terrific.
Huh?
113
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:53,600
This time the Dave Machine
is finally settling down.
114
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:54,800
Well, hey,
congratulations, man.
115
00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:58,200
Excuse me.
The alarm just went off.
116
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,200
I make an ungodly
amount of money
117
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,300
and I know exactly
how to use it.
118
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:08,900
You must be a friend
of Mr. Malone's.
119
00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:11,800
Well, you know
what they say,
120
00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:13,600
"The good-looking ones
travel in pairs."
121
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,100
And, uh,
122
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:16,800
that's certainly true
in your case.
123
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,300
Do you have the time?
124
00:05:22,300 --> 00:05:24,100
4:30.
125
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,800
Good, 'cause
I just wanted
126
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:27,600
to remember
the exact moment
127
00:05:27,700 --> 00:05:29,500
I met the biggest jerk
on Earth.
128
00:05:29,500 --> 00:05:32,500
( Sam laughs )
129
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,100
Tough woman, tough woman.
130
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:35,600
You got that right.
131
00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:37,900
I wear a cup to work.
132
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,200
Well, the pulsating
Dave Machine's history.
133
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:43,700
All right, man,
take care.
134
00:05:43,700 --> 00:05:45,000
Excuse me, Dave.
135
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:45,900
Dr. Crane here.
136
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,100
If you're interested,
137
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,200
I happen to conduct
a little session
138
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,200
for narcissists
about once a month.
139
00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:55,100
My policy: only show up
if I get an award.
140
00:05:56,700 --> 00:05:59,000
This is the Big Dave Machine
saying good night
141
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,300
and may the sports be with you.
142
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:03,700
You know,
143
00:06:03,700 --> 00:06:05,500
I bet if you held your ear
up to his,
144
00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:06,700
you could hear the ocean.
145
00:06:08,700 --> 00:06:11,100
I'll have to try it sometime.
146
00:06:12,900 --> 00:06:16,100
It, uh, may not
work for you.
147
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,500
Hey, guys,
148
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:22,700
I'm off to the station.
149
00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:24,400
Listen, do me a favor,
will ya?
150
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,000
Woody, Carla, close up for me.
151
00:06:26,100 --> 00:06:27,100
You know...
152
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:28,900
Whoa, Sammy, you're forgetting
something
153
00:06:28,900 --> 00:06:30,100
a little important here.
154
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:30,800
What?
155
00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:32,200
You don't own this joint
anymore.
156
00:06:32,300 --> 00:06:34,000
Oh, boy.
And even if you did,
157
00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:36,300
Field Marshal Howe
wouldn't give you the night off.
158
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:38,400
Yeah, yeah.
Silly me.
159
00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:40,600
What am I going
to do about this, huh?
160
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,200
Sam, may I suggest deception?
161
00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:43,600
Well...
162
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,400
Hold on your horses
there, Frasier.
163
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:46,400
As a psychiatrist,
164
00:06:46,400 --> 00:06:48,900
isn't it your job
to seek and uphold
the truth?
165
00:06:48,900 --> 00:06:51,100
Oh, get real, Cliff.
166
00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:54,100
You know, you got
a good idea there, Frasier.
167
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,100
Yeah. Lying.
168
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:57,300
I do lying.
169
00:06:57,400 --> 00:07:00,500
Woody, come here. Do me a favor.
170
00:07:00,500 --> 00:07:02,200
When Miss Howe comes out
of the office here,
171
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:05,200
go down the hall
and call the bar.
172
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:06,800
I'll answer.
173
00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:07,800
What do I say?
174
00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:10,100
Nothing.
Just stand there
and hold the phone.
175
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,200
Okay, I'll give it
a try.
176
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:20,900
Um, Miss Howe,
we're running low on napkins.
177
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:22,900
So order more.
178
00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:24,700
I don't know how many more.
179
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:26,800
I don't run the bar anymore.
180
00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:30,600
Thank you.
I appreciate this
very much.
181
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,500
( phone rings )
182
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:34,700
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
183
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:37,300
Cheers.
184
00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:39,100
Yeah, this is Sam Malone.
185
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:42,200
What? You say
my apartment's been robbed?
186
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:43,500
Oh, Sammy!
187
00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:45,700
You say
I've been cleaned out?
188
00:07:45,700 --> 00:07:48,400
Well, damn.
189
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,800
Yeah, I guess I could
get over there right away
190
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:52,400
and maybe expect not
to be back here
191
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:53,700
for a few hours, huh?
192
00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:58,100
Well, thank you very much.
Thank you.
193
00:07:58,100 --> 00:07:59,500
That was my landlord.
194
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,000
Do you believe this?
195
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,400
I've been robbed.
196
00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:04,400
What's happening to this city?
197
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:05,900
Go on, Sammy.
198
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:11,100
ALL ( chanting ):
Go, Sammy! Go, Sammy!
Go, Sammy, go!
199
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:18,300
We're a, uh, victim
support group.
200
00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:20,900
I see.
201
00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:24,900
Well, I better hire
a relief bartender.
202
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:28,200
Hello?
203
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:31,800
Is there somebody on this phone?
204
00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:33,900
Oh, uh, hi, Miss Howe.
205
00:08:33,900 --> 00:08:37,200
It's-it's me, Woody.
206
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:41,300
Woody, are you using this phone?
207
00:08:41,300 --> 00:08:44,700
No, no, not really.
208
00:08:44,700 --> 00:08:47,300
What are you doing, Woody?
209
00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,900
Oh, I'm just standing here
holding it.
210
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,300
Woody, hang up
the phone, please.
211
00:08:55,300 --> 00:08:57,700
I have to hire
another bartender now.
212
00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,600
Oh, no, Miss Howe,
I'm really sorry.
213
00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,200
I swear I'll never do it again.
214
00:09:07,100 --> 00:09:10,200
REPORTER:
And Keller is scheduled
to be executed on Friday.
215
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:12,000
I guess he won't be around then
216
00:09:12,100 --> 00:09:15,700
for the Patriots-Buffalo game
this Sunday.
217
00:09:15,700 --> 00:09:17,900
For that and all the sports,
218
00:09:17,900 --> 00:09:20,200
a new member
to the Channel 13 team,
219
00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:23,400
here's former Red Sox pitcher
Sam Malone.
220
00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,200
( cheering )
221
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:27,100
Nice to have you
with us, Sam.
Thank you, Joanne.
222
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,000
I'd just like to say
that you look better live
223
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:31,400
than you do in person.
224
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:33,500
Thank you.
225
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,900
Oh, very slick.
Very slick indeed.
226
00:09:35,900 --> 00:09:39,800
Yes. Five bucks says
Sammy has Joanne at 11:00.
227
00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:42,900
Red Sox pitcher Paul Willis
228
00:09:42,900 --> 00:09:45,100
went on the 15-day
disabled list today.
229
00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:47,400
Willis has floating cartilage
in his knee
230
00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:51,900
and tomorrow will undergo
arthroscopic surgery.
231
00:09:51,900 --> 00:09:54,900
All right! I can't bel...
On his first night!
232
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,200
Club soda,
Woody, please.
233
00:09:58,300 --> 00:09:59,200
Sure, Miss Howe.
234
00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:00,500
MAN:
Today on This Old House,
235
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,400
we're going to be grouting
counter tile,
236
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,800
so I'm sure you'll want
to stick around for that.
237
00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,100
But first, let's go
in the kitchen.
238
00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:08,900
Don't you guys
usually watch sports?
239
00:10:08,900 --> 00:10:10,800
Yeah, well, yeah,
usually, but, uh,
240
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:13,900
they're going to be putting up
drywall in a minute.
241
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:17,300
MAN:
The subflooring
is just being laid.
242
00:10:19,900 --> 00:10:22,600
And now for the I on Sportscommentary.
243
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:25,800
You know, the world
is full of negative people.
244
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,400
Okay, so the Sox aren't having
such a great season,
245
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:31,800
but that's no reason to boo
and say bad things about them.
246
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:33,600
You know, I don't know
where I heard it,
247
00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,800
but I thought you were supposed
to root, root, root
248
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,300
for the home team.
249
00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:39,300
So the next time
you're in Fenway,
250
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:42,500
you can't yell something nice,
don't yell anything at all.
251
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:46,600
This has been
just one guy's opinion.
252
00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:48,000
Joanne?
253
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,300
Thank you, Sam.
254
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:52,100
You've given us all
a lot to think about.
255
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,000
We'll be right back
256
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,800
with the weather
after this message.
257
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:57,000
And we're clear.
258
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,600
That was quite
a commentary, Sam.
259
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,600
Well, I hope I didn't
offend anyone, you know?
260
00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:03,000
I just feel like
it had to be said.
261
00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:05,000
Mm. Would you mind
a little friendly critique?
262
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:05,800
No, no. Go ahead.
263
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:07,200
I know this is the first time
264
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,400
you've done this,
but I think you might want
265
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:11,400
your commentaries
to be a little more...
266
00:11:11,500 --> 00:11:14,100
Oh, what's the word
I'm searching for?
267
00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:16,100
Interesting.
268
00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:17,400
Interesting. Right.
269
00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:19,800
You know, that gives me
something to shoot for there.
270
00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:23,600
Say, uh, there's a
late-breaking story
271
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,200
over at my place
around 12:00-ish.
272
00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:26,800
Care to cover it?
273
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,700
Sorry, I don't do
fluff pieces.
274
00:11:29,700 --> 00:11:35,000
And in five, four,
three, two...
275
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,300
Well, it was a little chilly
coming into work today.
276
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:39,600
Dr. Buzz, what does
our weather look like?
277
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,600
MAN:
...Not to waste
any of the grout.
278
00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:47,100
Remember, it's nine cents
a ton...
279
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,100
This looks really
fascinating.
280
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:50,800
Oh, I'll say.
Gee, you should've seen
281
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:52,500
this guy put the flasher
on the roof.
282
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:54,500
I'm so sorry
I missed that.
283
00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:58,800
I was watching Sam do the sports
on Channel 13.
284
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,900
Sammy!
Our I on Sports!
285
00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:19,300
( applause )
286
00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:20,800
How was I?
287
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,300
You were great, Sam.
288
00:12:22,300 --> 00:12:24,700
Hey, I never found the
scores so fascinating.
289
00:12:24,700 --> 00:12:26,400
Yeah, it was pure
Musburger, Sammy.
290
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:27,800
Sammy, it was the
291
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,200
single greatest exhibition
of sportscasting
292
00:12:29,300 --> 00:12:30,500
I've ever seen in my life.
293
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:32,900
And I am not just saying that
in order to get a free beer.
294
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,800
If the spirit
does move you,
295
00:12:34,900 --> 00:12:37,600
Sammy, I take a size 12 sudsy.
296
00:12:37,700 --> 00:12:38,500
Hey, thank you, guys.
297
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:42,200
You know, coming from you,
it means a lot.
298
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:45,900
So, Carla...
how was I really?
299
00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:48,200
It was like watching
old people eat.
300
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:52,500
You delivered the sports fine,
301
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:55,000
but you got to jazz up
the commentary.
302
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:56,900
Yeah, yeah, boy, they
said that same thing
303
00:12:56,900 --> 00:12:57,900
down at the station.
304
00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,400
You know, you got
to talk about something
305
00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:00,700
a little more
interesting than...
306
00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:01,800
rooting for the home team.
307
00:13:01,900 --> 00:13:05,000
That's like saying,
"let's all drive safely."
308
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,300
There goes tomorrow's
commentary.
309
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:12,500
You know, I want to do
so great at this job,
310
00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,900
but it's kind of tough,
you know?
311
00:13:14,900 --> 00:13:17,900
I got to come up with
five opinions a week.
312
00:13:17,900 --> 00:13:21,100
Well, they couldn't
pay me enough.
313
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:26,100
You know, I'll worry
about this later.
314
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,400
Right now I got to get
Rebecca to give me
315
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,200
the rest of my nights off.
316
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:30,900
No problem there, Sammy.
317
00:13:30,900 --> 00:13:32,400
I don't think
you work here anymore.
318
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:35,100
What are you talking about?
319
00:13:35,100 --> 00:13:36,500
Vampira knows.
320
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:38,500
She was watching TV
in her office.
321
00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:40,600
She has a TV in there?
322
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:43,800
Yeah, one of those little
tiny ones, like her heart.
323
00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:45,900
Great.
324
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:48,900
Uh, Ms. Howe?
325
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,400
I have a confession to make.
326
00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:52,800
You know that story about
my apartment being robbed?
327
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:54,300
I made that all up.
328
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:57,500
No!
329
00:13:57,500 --> 00:13:58,600
Yeah, yeah.
330
00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:02,200
Actually, I was down
at Channel 13
331
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,100
doing the sportscast.
332
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,100
Hope you're not mad.
333
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:07,800
Well, you used
to be the boss.
334
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:10,200
How did you feel when
people lied to you?
335
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,500
Ah, well, I had a rule.
336
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:20,200
When anyone ever lied to me,
they had to go to bed with me.
337
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:26,600
Well, that's one way to make
sure it won't happen again.
338
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,400
You know, Mr. Malone,
you haven't been
339
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:29,200
dealing fairly with me.
340
00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:30,300
I know, I know.
341
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:31,900
I'm sorry.
342
00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:34,600
It's just that this...
this means a lot to me.
343
00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:36,500
And now I suppose
you're going to ask me
344
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,000
for the rest
of the week off.
345
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:41,100
Yeah, I know,
it's a lot to ask.
346
00:14:41,100 --> 00:14:42,200
No, it isn't.
347
00:14:42,300 --> 00:14:43,600
You're on.
348
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:45,500
Oh, great.
What, am I fired or something?
349
00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:46,900
Not at all.
350
00:14:46,900 --> 00:14:48,800
Look, I figure one of
two things will happen:
351
00:14:48,900 --> 00:14:50,800
either you'll do well,
they'll offer you a job
352
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,300
and I'll never
see you again;
353
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:53,600
or you'll screw up,
354
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:55,200
humiliate yourself
and come back here
355
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:56,700
a crushed
and broken man.
356
00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,200
Either way, I win.
357
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:02,800
Son of a gun,
you do have heart.
358
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:04,400
Of course I do.
359
00:15:04,500 --> 00:15:05,800
Tell me though.
What'd you think?
360
00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:07,400
How'd I look out there?
361
00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:09,100
I've never seen you
look better.
362
00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:10,100
Really?
363
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:13,100
You should always
be this size.
364
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:16,800
Let me give you
some advice here:
365
00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:19,700
never do this to a guy.
366
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:28,600
Guys, guys, he's about
to do the commentary here.
367
00:15:28,700 --> 00:15:30,500
Anybody know what
the topic's going to be?
368
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:33,000
Well, no, no, he said
he was going to crank it up
369
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,500
by taking a firm stand.
370
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,100
Hey, Woody, wasn't he
rehearsing with you?
371
00:15:37,100 --> 00:15:39,200
Yeah, but he made me promise
not to tell you guys.
372
00:15:39,300 --> 00:15:41,700
It's too exciting.
373
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:46,400
And I don't remember.
374
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,000
Tonight I'm going
to tackle the issue
375
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,700
that's tearing
professional sports apart--
376
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:53,800
natural grass
or artificial turf?
377
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:57,000
Now this reporter's
not afraid to say
378
00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:00,200
that he's firmly in favor
of natural grass.
379
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,800
It's softer,
causes fewer injuries,
380
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:06,200
and let's face it, folks:
it looks prettier on TV.
381
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,700
That's just one guy's opinion.
382
00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:10,000
Joanne?
383
00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:13,400
Gee, Sam, I heard somewhere
that in an indoor stadium
384
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,900
it's impossible
to grow real grass.
385
00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:19,300
Well, yes, yes, uh...
386
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:23,100
in indoor stadiums,
you have to use the fake stuff.
387
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:25,500
And I've heard that some of
the more recent synthetic blends
388
00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:27,000
actually do help
reduce injuries.
389
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,200
Oh.
390
00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:33,400
Well, I hadn't heard that, Doc.
391
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,200
That's pretty amazing.
392
00:16:35,300 --> 00:16:37,100
So what are you saying
here, Sam?
393
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:42,900
Well, I guess I'm saying that
I could go either way on it.
394
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,000
So you have no opinion on this?
395
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:48,100
No, I have two opinions.
396
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:52,800
And that's one guy's opinions.
397
00:17:02,300 --> 00:17:04,800
SAM ( on TV ):
The Graf-Everett final
may be a good match-up,
398
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,900
but if you ask
this I on Sports,
399
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:08,900
the fact that
Martina Navratilova decided
400
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:10,100
to sit this one out...
401
00:17:10,100 --> 00:17:15,900
Ooh, to say "Martina Navra-
whoever" without even...
402
00:17:15,900 --> 00:17:19,100
You know, I got a phone call
today from a teenager
403
00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:22,900
saying I was taking advantage
of my status as an ex-ballplayer
404
00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:26,600
and that old squares like me
shouldn't be doing the sports.
405
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:30,200
Well, Corky,
tonight's commentary
406
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:33,800
is directed right at you.
407
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:35,700
( hip-hop music plays )
408
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:38,000
� Time to rap
about a controversy �
409
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:40,500
� Gonna take a stand,
won't show no mercy �
410
00:17:40,600 --> 00:17:43,000
� A lot of folks say jocks
shouldn't be �
411
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,500
� Doing the sports news on TV
412
00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:47,700
� I don't want to hear
the latest scores �
413
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,400
� From a bunch of old
broadcasting school bores �
414
00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,500
� So get your scores
from a guy like me �
415
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:55,800
� Who knows what it's like
to have a groin injury �
416
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,900
� G-G-Groin, g-g-groin
417
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,700
� G-G-Groin injury.
418
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:03,000
( music stops )
419
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:09,800
Joanne.
420
00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:13,400
Dr. Buzz, there must be
some weather.
421
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:20,800
Ah, poor Sammy.
422
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,600
Bet you they fired him
after that display, huh?
423
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:24,700
Yeah, I guess he won't
424
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,000
be showing his face
around here tonight.
425
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,400
Would you come into a place
426
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,100
where everyone thought
you were a complete idiot?
427
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:34,300
Never mind.
428
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:36,400
Well, I suppose he's out
wandering the streets,
429
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,800
rapping incoherently.
430
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:42,200
Yeah, yeah, but
what if he comes in?
431
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:43,700
What are we going
to say to him?
432
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,600
Well, just tell him
he was brave.
433
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:50,600
Yeah, like a kamikaze pilot.
434
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:54,000
Wow, I always wanted
to meet one of those guys.
435
00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:00,300
The stories they
must tell, huh?
436
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,400
Well, I guess as per usual,
437
00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:08,000
it's up to me as his best friend
to tell him the truth.
438
00:19:08,100 --> 00:19:09,100
You?
439
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,300
I'm sure he'll understand
if I tell him.
440
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:14,100
Hey, nobody is tighter
with Sammy than me.
441
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:17,100
I'm the one who should
tell him he stinks.
442
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,600
So...
443
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:21,100
what'd you think
of my commentary tonight?
444
00:19:21,100 --> 00:19:24,900
I thought you were wonderful.
445
00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:26,300
It just felt great up there.
446
00:19:26,300 --> 00:19:29,600
I tell you, ever since I sold
the bar I've been floundering.
447
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,500
It's like I'm standing
in quicksand.
448
00:19:31,500 --> 00:19:33,200
You know, I've been
trying to get my feet
449
00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:34,300
planted on the ground
450
00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:36,200
and all of a sudden,
it's all come together.
451
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:38,100
It's like everything
I've ever done in my life
452
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,100
has been leading up
to this moment.
453
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:45,500
My knowledge of sports, my good
looks, my ability to rhyme.
454
00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:49,000
You know, I tell you, I think
I found my niche in life.
455
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,100
They liked you down
at the station?
456
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:52,600
Are you kidding, liked me?
457
00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:54,600
Man, they were speechless.
458
00:19:56,300 --> 00:19:59,200
Oh, hey, yeah, Rebecca.
459
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,400
Listen, uh, did you
catch my act tonight?
460
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:02,600
Yes, I did.
461
00:20:02,700 --> 00:20:03,800
So what'd you think?
462
00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:05,300
Now you can be honest with me.
463
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:06,400
Honest?
Mm-hmm.
464
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:07,800
Let's see...
465
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:10,300
as news rappers go,
I thought you were fine.
466
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:15,000
But maybe rapping has just
been kind of done to death.
467
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,200
Oh, no, you think so?
468
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:20,000
I mean, I'd hate to think
I looked stupid out there.
469
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,400
No, no, not at all.
470
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:22,600
No, no, no,
it's just that
471
00:20:22,700 --> 00:20:24,400
it's not unique
anymore, Sam.
472
00:20:24,500 --> 00:20:25,800
I mean, uh, you know,
473
00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:27,900
it'd be one thing if you
were the first guy to rap,
474
00:20:27,900 --> 00:20:29,800
but they're rapping on
stations all over town.
475
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,100
You don't want to be
the last on a long
train of rappers.
476
00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:33,700
Yeah, Norm is right
there, Sammy.
477
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:35,500
I mean, you got to do
something different.
478
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:36,700
Do something revolutionary,
479
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,500
something that no sportscaster
does anymore.
480
00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:43,000
You know, like, uh...
read the sports.
481
00:20:44,900 --> 00:20:46,900
You know, I have been
working on something,
482
00:20:46,900 --> 00:20:48,900
but I was afraid
it was too much.
483
00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:51,700
But if you guys think
that rapping's old hat...
484
00:20:51,700 --> 00:20:54,700
you know, I just may
give it a shot.
485
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:59,000
I'm going to work on it right
now, as a matter of fact.
486
00:20:59,100 --> 00:21:00,400
Suppose we ought
to stop him?
487
00:21:00,500 --> 00:21:01,600
Oh, no, wait a minute.
488
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,500
How do we know it's going
to be another bad idea?
489
00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:06,700
I mean, it couldn't be as bad
as tonight, could it?
490
00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:09,900
( high-pitched voice ):
Hi, everybody.
491
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:11,200
( normal voice ):
Hi, Little Sam.
492
00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:12,500
Are you ready for tonight's...
493
00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:15,000
Oh, my God.
494
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,900
LITTLE SAM:
I sure am.
495
00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:19,100
I think the Red Sox
are making a big mistake
496
00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:21,200
trading away young players
for veterans
497
00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:23,600
who can only help them
for a season or two.
498
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:25,600
Don't you agree,
Little Sam?
499
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:28,200
No, I think
you're full of hooey.
500
00:21:29,500 --> 00:21:31,700
If I paid five bucks
to get in the ballpark,
501
00:21:31,700 --> 00:21:35,400
I want to see them win now.
502
00:21:35,400 --> 00:21:36,600
What do you know?
503
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:38,500
Your head's wooden.
504
00:21:38,500 --> 00:21:40,900
Well, your lips
are moving.
505
00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:43,700
If either of them mentions
the bar, I'm suing.
506
00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:46,700
Stop it.
507
00:21:46,700 --> 00:21:51,100
Well, that's two guys' opinions.
508
00:21:51,100 --> 00:21:53,000
Joanne?
509
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,700
Oh, boy.
510
00:22:01,700 --> 00:22:06,900
It seemed like such
a good idea at the time.
511
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:12,400
Boy, I wanted that job so bad.
I wanted to make it work.
512
00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:14,900
I guess I just went
over the edge, huh?
513
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:17,700
Hey, make him talk, Sam.
Make him say my name.
514
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:22,200
Maybe later, Woody.
515
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,100
My lips are kind of tired
right now.
516
00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,500
I know things seem
a little bleak right now,
517
00:22:27,600 --> 00:22:29,500
but, um, I think
there's two important things
518
00:22:29,500 --> 00:22:30,500
to look at here.
519
00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:31,600
One:
520
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:33,100
at least you took a chance.
521
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,800
And two--
522
00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:37,200
and this is the important one--
523
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,500
you know when to quit.
524
00:22:39,500 --> 00:22:41,600
Yeah, boy, that's true.
525
00:22:41,700 --> 00:22:42,700
You know,
526
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:45,200
I came real close to losing
my dignity tonight.
527
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:48,900
I've been thinking about it,
528
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:52,500
you know, I'm going to hang up
the old Channel 13 blazer.
529
00:22:52,600 --> 00:22:55,000
You know, if that phone
were to ring right now
530
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,900
and they were to beg me
to come back, I wouldn't do it.
531
00:22:58,000 --> 00:22:59,500
I think it's just time
532
00:22:59,500 --> 00:23:02,100
that I grew up
and accepted what I am:
533
00:23:02,100 --> 00:23:03,200
a bartender.
534
00:23:03,300 --> 00:23:04,700
And a damned good one
at that, too.
535
00:23:04,700 --> 00:23:06,300
( phone rings )
536
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,200
Cheers.
537
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,300
It's the station.
538
00:23:10,300 --> 00:23:12,800
Well, you're kidding me.
539
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:15,500
The switchboard's
lighting up?
540
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,200
Well, look, hey.
541
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,400
Listen, I'm sorry,
I don't care if they loved me.
542
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:22,600
I happen to have
a job already...
543
00:23:22,700 --> 00:23:24,000
and I have friends...
544
00:23:25,500 --> 00:23:26,800
and I have my dignity.
545
00:23:26,900 --> 00:23:28,200
Yeah.
546
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,100
Well, thanks anyway.
547
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,500
Yeah, bye-bye.
548
00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:35,600
Very admirable,
Mr. Malone.
549
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:38,000
Well, I still have
a little nobility left.
550
00:23:38,100 --> 00:23:38,900
All right.
551
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:40,800
Okay, Sam.
552
00:23:40,900 --> 00:23:43,000
Oh, I have to cancel
that relief bartender.
553
00:23:43,100 --> 00:23:46,000
Oh, maybe
you ought to, uh...
554
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,600
Hello?
39492
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