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1
00:00:02,211 --> 00:00:04,586
♪ it seems today that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:07,631
♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪
3
00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:11,343
♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:14,346
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,432 --> 00:00:17,766
♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:21,311
♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,397 --> 00:00:22,855
♪ all the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,106
♪ laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:30,112
♪ he's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,994 --> 00:00:36,702
-Hey, meg, what's up?
-[gasps]
11
00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:38,996
A cool kid said, "what's up?"
12
00:00:41,792 --> 00:00:44,126
Oh, it was just a dream.
13
00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:49,673
[gasps] goldy, no!
14
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:53,093
Ugh. Fifth one this week.
15
00:00:54,764 --> 00:00:57,681
Oh, my god! Mr. Clompers.
16
00:00:57,767 --> 00:00:59,641
[grunts]
17
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,518
Stay with me, mr. Clompers.
18
00:01:01,604 --> 00:01:02,519
[exhales]
19
00:01:02,646 --> 00:01:04,646
Stay with me,
you son of a bitch.
20
00:01:04,774 --> 00:01:05,731
[exhales]
21
00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,108
[neighs]
22
00:01:08,194 --> 00:01:11,070
Oh, there's only one way
to turn this day around.
23
00:01:11,197 --> 00:01:13,489
Crouch behind a dumpster
in the back of quiznos
24
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:16,533
And wait for the half-eaten subs
to be thrown out.
25
00:01:20,539 --> 00:01:23,582
Yep, looks like things are
finally starting to turn around
26
00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:26,043
For the meg-a-rino.
27
00:01:27,129 --> 00:01:28,712
Hey, what are you doing?
28
00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:30,631
I'm not a dumpster.
Put me down.
29
00:01:30,716 --> 00:01:31,799
Aah!
30
00:01:31,884 --> 00:01:34,009
-Man, this job sucks.
-I don't know.
31
00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:36,053
Ladies running with trash bags
and no bras on
32
00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:37,221
Is pretty cool sometimes.
33
00:01:37,348 --> 00:01:38,430
-[running footfalls]
-[woman] wait.
34
00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:39,723
Right on cue.
35
00:01:39,850 --> 00:01:42,684
And now the mind creates
scenarios and so forth.
36
00:01:46,524 --> 00:01:48,482
Hey, what are you doing home
from work?
37
00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:50,943
Ah, some sicko called in
a bomb scare.
38
00:01:51,070 --> 00:01:52,486
Then they confiscated
everyone's phones
39
00:01:52,571 --> 00:01:54,196
And I was told to
take the day off.
40
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:56,115
Peter, did you call in
the bomb scare?
41
00:01:56,242 --> 00:01:57,866
God, you sound just like them.
42
00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,785
For the last time, maybe.
43
00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,703
Well, since you're home,
you can watch
44
00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:03,831
My daytime shows with me.
45
00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:05,582
-[phone rings]
-hello.
46
00:02:05,668 --> 00:02:07,167
There's a bomb in the tv.
47
00:02:07,253 --> 00:02:08,961
Leave the remote
and exit the room.
48
00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:11,797
Nice try, but we're watching
the view.
49
00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:13,340
Welcome to the view.
50
00:02:13,425 --> 00:02:15,759
Today we're talking
about mansplaining.
51
00:02:15,845 --> 00:02:17,261
Meghan mccain, you go first.
52
00:02:17,388 --> 00:02:18,971
I thought meghan mccain quit.
53
00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:20,889
Oh, yes, she did.
They replaced her
54
00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:24,017
With a dozen feral cats
in a quinceañera dress,
55
00:02:24,103 --> 00:02:25,102
And no one can tell
the difference.
56
00:02:25,229 --> 00:02:28,772
[cats mewling, screeching]
57
00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:30,732
The cats have
an important dead dad,
58
00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:33,026
So we got to hear 'em out.
59
00:02:33,112 --> 00:02:35,070
[announcer]
it's the kelly clarkson show.
60
00:02:35,156 --> 00:02:36,822
She's got a show now?
61
00:02:36,866 --> 00:02:38,740
Yes, and she's actually
very funny,
62
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,076
If you're a woman who claps
when the plane lands.
63
00:02:41,162 --> 00:02:43,871
Give me that thing. Aren't there
any daytime tv shows
64
00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:44,955
Hosted by men?
65
00:02:45,124 --> 00:02:46,456
Peter, are you kidding me?
66
00:02:46,542 --> 00:02:49,001
Conversations between men
are boring.
67
00:02:49,086 --> 00:02:51,003
I've heard what you
and the guys talk about.
68
00:02:51,088 --> 00:02:52,337
Me and the guys would be great
69
00:02:52,423 --> 00:02:53,547
At hosting one of these shows.
70
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,507
We talk about interesting stuff
all the time.
71
00:02:55,593 --> 00:02:57,259
Just this past weekend,
we were talking about
72
00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,428
How a lot of people don't know
which one is chip
73
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:00,304
And which one is dale.
74
00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:01,847
Well, it's actually very simple.
75
00:03:01,932 --> 00:03:04,766
Chip's nose is black,
and dale's nose is red.
76
00:03:04,894 --> 00:03:05,851
And if you need help
remembering,
77
00:03:05,936 --> 00:03:07,227
You say "chocolate chip."
78
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:09,146
The chipmunks were easier
because they had
79
00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:10,272
Big letters on their shirts.
80
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:12,274
-But that's Tuesday's show.
-Oh, please.
81
00:03:12,401 --> 00:03:14,610
All men run out of things
to say to each other
82
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,153
-After 20 minutes.
-Oh, yeah?
83
00:03:16,238 --> 00:03:17,821
Well, if guys are so bad
at talking,
84
00:03:17,907 --> 00:03:19,615
How come regis philbin
is still yapping?
85
00:03:19,742 --> 00:03:22,075
[regis]
so joy hands me a box,
and I open it,
86
00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:25,078
And it's the same darn sweater
from last christmas!
87
00:03:25,247 --> 00:03:26,830
Can you believe that? Coming up,
88
00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:28,248
Angel's david boreanaz.
89
00:03:28,334 --> 00:03:31,335
Look at kathie lee.
She's fanning herself.
90
00:03:37,301 --> 00:03:38,634
Whoa, meg, what happened to you?
91
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,969
Yo, I straight-up thought
that was post malone
92
00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,012
For a hot second.
93
00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:44,348
I just had the worst day
of my life.
94
00:03:44,475 --> 00:03:46,975
Now, if you don't mind, I'm
gonna bake cookies from scratch
95
00:03:47,061 --> 00:03:49,019
And eat them until I puke.
96
00:03:49,063 --> 00:03:50,520
Meg, I think what you're
going through are
97
00:03:50,648 --> 00:03:51,939
Typical teenage emotions.
98
00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:54,733
Trust me, everything will change
when you go to college.
99
00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:57,152
Speaking of,
guess who got a letter
100
00:03:57,279 --> 00:04:00,030
From the university
of rhode island today.
101
00:04:00,115 --> 00:04:01,031
Wait, what?
102
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,909
And it came in a big envelope.
103
00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:05,869
You know what that means.
104
00:04:05,996 --> 00:04:07,663
Finally some good news.
105
00:04:07,790 --> 00:04:09,039
"from the office of admissions
106
00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:10,666
At the university
of rhode island."
107
00:04:10,793 --> 00:04:12,376
Wow, so official.
108
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:15,545
"hey, sorry, we ran out of
small envelopes.
109
00:04:15,631 --> 00:04:17,756
You didn't get in."
110
00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:21,093
[crying]
111
00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:22,719
Meg, I'm so sorry.
112
00:04:22,805 --> 00:04:27,266
I just have to accept it,
I'll never be happy.
113
00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:29,476
[sobbing]
114
00:04:33,399 --> 00:04:36,316
A talk show for men?
That's a great idea.
115
00:04:36,402 --> 00:04:38,193
Yeah. Imagine getting paid
to talk about stuff
116
00:04:38,279 --> 00:04:40,153
We already talk about
around this table.
117
00:04:40,239 --> 00:04:42,948
Hey, that could be the title.
Bar table talk.
118
00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:44,241
Oh, guys, check it out.
119
00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,451
Tom tucker's wasted
at the bar again.
120
00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:47,953
Put on channel six.
121
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:51,623
I-I want to see what doppler
those dinks are working with.
122
00:04:51,709 --> 00:04:53,500
A 3000?! Ha!
123
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:56,670
What, are they telling us
the weather in 2004?
124
00:04:56,839 --> 00:04:58,338
Hey, fellas, I'll be right back.
125
00:04:58,424 --> 00:05:00,966
Boy, it's fun to fantasize
about having a talk show.
126
00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:02,968
But, sadly, that's all
it's gonna be,
127
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:05,053
'cause ain't nobody
putting four guys
128
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:08,265
-With zero experience on tv.
-Yeah, you're right.
129
00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:10,475
Start thinking of warm
to hot topics, fellas.
130
00:05:10,602 --> 00:05:11,893
What are you talking about?
131
00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:13,353
I just spoke to tom tucker.
132
00:05:13,439 --> 00:05:15,397
A few months ago
I did him a big favor,
133
00:05:15,441 --> 00:05:17,858
And he said if there's anything
he could ever do for me,
134
00:05:17,943 --> 00:05:20,235
Just ask, so I just asked.
135
00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:21,445
And he said yes.
136
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:24,906
Gentlemen, say hello
to the hosts of your new
137
00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,658
Channel five daytime talk show.
138
00:05:26,744 --> 00:05:28,327
Oh, my god, that's amazing.
139
00:05:28,412 --> 00:05:29,786
This is awesome. Wait, joe,
140
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,830
What was the favor
you did for tom tucker?
141
00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:34,416
I mustache-sat for him
over the holidays.
142
00:05:35,461 --> 00:05:38,128
We said rise of gru
and then bed.
143
00:05:38,213 --> 00:05:40,422
That was the deal we made.
144
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:41,840
[mustache squeaks petulantly]
145
00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:43,300
I'm sorry you're having
a hard time.
146
00:05:43,385 --> 00:05:45,594
I'm having a hard time, too.
147
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,849
Hey, what the heck
are you guys doing?
148
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,392
Those are my cookies.
149
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,770
Meg, these are literally
the best cookies
150
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,063
I've ever had in my life.
151
00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:57,814
Yeah, they're incredible.
152
00:05:57,941 --> 00:05:59,191
Did you switch up the recipe?
153
00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:00,817
No, I don't think so.
154
00:06:00,903 --> 00:06:02,611
So good, meg. I'd have another,
155
00:06:02,738 --> 00:06:05,238
But I got to see dean later.
Dean's my trainer.
156
00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:07,115
Guy kicks my freakin' ass.
157
00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:08,700
You must have done
something different.
158
00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:10,243
These are fantastic.
159
00:06:10,329 --> 00:06:12,329
Hmm.
160
00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:15,040
I think my tears
falling into the batter
161
00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,250
Must have made these cookies
taste different.
162
00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:19,711
Not different, delicious.
163
00:06:19,797 --> 00:06:23,340
Last week, dean was saying I'm
the most ripped guy he trains.
164
00:06:23,467 --> 00:06:24,633
Off the record, of course.
165
00:06:24,802 --> 00:06:26,593
Meg, I think this could be
the start of a business.
166
00:06:26,678 --> 00:06:29,304
People would pay a premium
for cookies this good.
167
00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:30,180
Really?
168
00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:32,516
Oh, a business is a lot of work.
169
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:36,186
Unless maybe...
You guys want to help out?
170
00:06:36,355 --> 00:06:38,230
-I'd be happy to.
-I'll do it.
171
00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:40,607
So Monday, Wednesday and fridays
are dean days.
172
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,652
Other than that, I'm down.
I'm in ketosis, by the way.
173
00:06:43,779 --> 00:06:45,237
This is exciting, you guys.
174
00:06:45,364 --> 00:06:46,905
We just have to find a way
to get the word out
175
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,115
About these cookies.
176
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,075
I don't think we'll have
to worry about that.
177
00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:52,285
I just got an email back
from the one show
178
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:55,622
That'll put our product in front
of the entire country.
179
00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:57,874
Long hallway shark tank.
180
00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,209
♪ ♪
181
00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:01,211
[announcer]
first up, meg griffin and family
182
00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:05,090
With a new twist on a popular snack.
183
00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:11,263
♪ ♪
184
00:07:26,738 --> 00:07:28,697
♪ ♪
185
00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:36,997
Hello, sharks. I'm here to--
186
00:07:45,090 --> 00:07:47,048
We have so many
new cookie orders.
187
00:07:47,176 --> 00:07:49,009
Which means we've got
a lot of baking to do.
188
00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,010
Let's get going.
189
00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:51,470
Sorry, if I'm in a busy kitchen,
190
00:07:51,597 --> 00:07:54,347
I'm gonna have to scream
at someone gordon ramsay style.
191
00:07:54,433 --> 00:07:57,809
A raw egg?
You're gonna kill someone!
192
00:07:57,895 --> 00:07:59,352
20 years of being
in the business,
193
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:02,230
And you're the biggest buffoon
I've ever met.
194
00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:04,316
Now let's step outside,
where I'll speak to you
195
00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:06,109
In an entirely different tone.
196
00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,570
What's going on with you?
Tell me.
197
00:08:08,614 --> 00:08:09,988
I don't, I don't know.
198
00:08:10,115 --> 00:08:11,823
You're overwhelmed
trying to live up
199
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,742
To your father's expectations,
aren't you?
200
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,285
Yeah, I guess.
201
00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:18,288
Listen, your father nikos
was a proud greek man
202
00:08:18,373 --> 00:08:20,081
Who came to this country
with nothing but
203
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,416
A baklava and a dream.
204
00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:23,502
But he's gone now,
and you have to accept that.
205
00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:26,505
Now, those people in there
need a leader, not a friend.
206
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:27,506
Understood?
207
00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:29,841
Yes. Thank you, chef ramsay.
208
00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:31,343
I have tremendous respect
for you
209
00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:33,595
And what you do
for people's businesses.
210
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,055
Good. Now, just don't yelp
211
00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:36,348
Any places from the show
212
00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:39,267
Or eat at any of my restaurants
in las vegas.
213
00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:43,772
[phone chimes]
214
00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:45,106
Oh, from peter.
215
00:08:45,234 --> 00:08:48,902
"turn on channel five
right now."
216
00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:52,113
[peter]
welcome to the first episode of bar table talk.
217
00:08:52,241 --> 00:08:55,784
Finally, a show for men by men. Football.
218
00:08:55,911 --> 00:08:57,869
[groans]
you've got to be kidding me.
219
00:08:57,913 --> 00:08:59,663
Now check out
our theme song called
220
00:08:59,831 --> 00:09:01,331
"guys just want to have fun,"
221
00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,250
Which is just each of us
yelling "guys"
222
00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:04,876
Over the parts
where they sing "girls"
223
00:09:04,962 --> 00:09:06,336
In "girls just want
to have fun."
224
00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:09,756
♪ when the working day is done ♪
225
00:09:09,841 --> 00:09:11,216
-♪ oh ♪
-guys.
226
00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,552
♪ they want to have fun ♪
227
00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:14,886
-♪ oh ♪
-guys.
228
00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:17,347
-♪ just want to have... ♪
-guys.
229
00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:21,226
♪ they want, want to have fun ♪
230
00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:23,228
-♪ girls... ♪
-guys!
231
00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:24,312
[peter]
damn it, joe.
232
00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:25,313
[joe]
this is why I wanted to use
233
00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:26,731
"the boys are back in town."
234
00:09:26,817 --> 00:09:29,234
But no!
235
00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,321
Welcome back. Now it's time for
236
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:36,116
The clenched-buttocks
urinal-fart of the day,
237
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:39,619
Sent in by gene kozlowski
at imperial tool and dye
238
00:09:39,705 --> 00:09:41,121
In kenosha, wisconsin.
239
00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:42,414
Let her rip, gene.
240
00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:44,499
[farting]
241
00:09:46,461 --> 00:09:47,919
Ah.
242
00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:49,921
You just know
that one had the power
243
00:09:50,048 --> 00:09:51,840
Of a state fair sausage
behind it.
244
00:09:51,967 --> 00:09:53,174
Impressive stuff.
245
00:09:53,302 --> 00:09:56,261
Coming up, all the people
from your wife's work
246
00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:59,639
She claims are horrible
who, surprise, aren't.
247
00:09:59,725 --> 00:10:01,057
Ugh, disgusting.
248
00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:02,809
I can't believe
that's my husband.
249
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,352
Although I shouldn't be
surprised
250
00:10:04,438 --> 00:10:06,146
After what happened
on our wedding night.
251
00:10:06,231 --> 00:10:10,233
[chuckles]
peter, are you ready?
252
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,235
Sorry, I already masturbated.
253
00:10:12,321 --> 00:10:13,945
There was a seashell
on top of the toilet
254
00:10:14,031 --> 00:10:15,697
That looked like a boob.
255
00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:20,744
Okay, lunch is over.
256
00:10:20,829 --> 00:10:22,245
We got more cookie orders
to take care of.
257
00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:25,957
All right, let's get
our sister crying.
258
00:10:26,043 --> 00:10:28,960
♪ I was all right ♪
259
00:10:29,046 --> 00:10:31,713
♪ for a while ♪
260
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:36,217
♪ I could smile for a while ♪
261
00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:38,345
♪ but I saw you last night ♪
262
00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:41,973
♪ you held my hand so tight ♪
263
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:46,227
♪ as you stopped to say hello ♪
264
00:10:46,355 --> 00:10:48,938
♪ oh, you wished me well ♪
265
00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:52,484
♪ you couldn't tell ♪
266
00:10:52,602 --> 00:10:56,404
♪ that I'd been crying ♪
267
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:58,865
♪ over you ♪
268
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:03,870
♪ crying over you ♪
269
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:08,625
♪ when you said "so long." ♪
270
00:11:10,462 --> 00:11:12,045
[peter]
and that's why the eagles are
271
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,673
The best yard work band of all time.
272
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,299
[joe]
I'm sorry, are we in a world
273
00:11:16,385 --> 00:11:19,010
Where the steve miller band was never born?
274
00:11:19,096 --> 00:11:21,254
Oh, this show gets dumber
by the second.
275
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,847
-[doorbell rings]
-just come in!
276
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:25,892
Who even cares anymore?
Oh, hi, daddy.
277
00:11:25,977 --> 00:11:27,227
What are you doing here?
278
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:30,397
Oh, I stopped by to...
Oh, no way. I love this show.
279
00:11:30,524 --> 00:11:31,481
Oh, is meg around?
280
00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,316
-She's in the kitchen.
-Excellent.
281
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:35,276
Well, aren't you gonna ask
how I'm doing?
282
00:11:35,362 --> 00:11:38,613
Lois, I can see
one, two, three ant traps.
283
00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:42,033
I know how you're doing.
Oh, four.
284
00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:46,037
Oh, hey, carter.
285
00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:47,330
What are you doing here,
grandpa?
286
00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:49,207
Word has gotten around
about your cookies,
287
00:11:49,334 --> 00:11:51,334
And I have a business
opportunity for you.
288
00:11:51,420 --> 00:11:53,461
I'm throwing a party
for my billionaire friends
289
00:11:53,547 --> 00:11:55,547
On Friday, and I'd like you
to cater it.
290
00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:57,799
Oh, my god! We'd love to.
291
00:11:57,843 --> 00:11:59,592
Uh, meg, maybe let a graduate
292
00:11:59,678 --> 00:12:02,554
Of the howard schultz
masterclass handle this.
293
00:12:02,597 --> 00:12:04,514
I'm prepared to offer you
10,000--
294
00:12:04,599 --> 00:12:05,890
-We'll do it.
-Pennies.
295
00:12:05,976 --> 00:12:08,435
10,000 pennies, or $100.
296
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:10,145
Oh, dude, you blew it.
297
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,939
Just kidding, I'm super rich.
I'll pay you 50 grand.
298
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:16,317
Holy crap, $50,000!
299
00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:19,988
I'll need 500 bags of cookies.
All right, see you Friday.
300
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,574
Ugh, I really don't want to have
to talk to your mother again.
301
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:25,410
Guess I'll just airpods it out.
302
00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:27,162
[lois]
bye, daddy.
303
00:12:27,289 --> 00:12:29,122
I said bye, daddy.
304
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:31,124
[door opens, shuts]
305
00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:35,712
You guys, I just want
to thank you
306
00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:37,922
For helping make my cookies
such a success.
307
00:12:38,049 --> 00:12:39,883
It really means a lot to me.
308
00:12:39,968 --> 00:12:41,468
And for the first time
in my life,
309
00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:43,762
I'm finally feeling
proud of myself
310
00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:45,472
And hopeful about my future.
311
00:12:45,599 --> 00:12:48,975
I think... I think
I'm actually happy.
312
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,102
Oh, that's great to hear, meg.
313
00:12:51,188 --> 00:12:52,520
We're proud of you, too.
314
00:12:52,606 --> 00:12:56,316
Now we got cookies to make.
Give us those tears.
315
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:59,110
[straining]
316
00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:05,241
Oh, I know.
Meg, when you were a baby,
317
00:13:05,368 --> 00:13:07,076
You were left at a fire station.
318
00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:11,247
And those firemen left you
at another fire station.
319
00:13:12,751 --> 00:13:14,375
The only reason you had a date
for homecoming
320
00:13:14,461 --> 00:13:17,712
Was because the guy got
community service hours for it.
321
00:13:19,591 --> 00:13:21,800
Oh, no. I can't cry.
322
00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:23,927
A-and when I hear about
my crappy old life,
323
00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:26,805
I just feel proud and happy
about where I am now.
324
00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:29,390
Uh-oh, no tears means
no cookies.
325
00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:32,060
Which also means
no cookie business.
326
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:35,522
Hi, I'm jamie lee curtis,
and I heard someone here
327
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:37,899
Was having a problem
with feminine dryness.
328
00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:39,943
Oh, I-I think I'm all set.
329
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,195
Have you tried
sliquid feminine wash,
330
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:44,906
The natural solution
to feminine dryness?
331
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,449
Oh, no, no.
332
00:13:46,535 --> 00:13:49,118
I-I-I think we have
different problems, dawg.
333
00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:50,453
Well, I'd hear her out.
334
00:13:50,539 --> 00:13:53,373
Sliquid's the one feminine wash
that goes on dry
335
00:13:53,458 --> 00:13:54,833
And doesn't drip.
336
00:13:54,918 --> 00:13:56,960
Chris, are you selling
intimacy products
337
00:13:57,087 --> 00:13:58,211
With jamie lee curtis?
338
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:01,548
Well, stewie, I'd say
sliquid sells itself.
339
00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:03,591
[chris and jamie laugh]
340
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:05,426
It goes on dry?
341
00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,184
Meg, I don't want to alarm you,
342
00:14:13,270 --> 00:14:15,854
But if you can't cry,
we won't get the $50,000
343
00:14:15,939 --> 00:14:17,313
From carter for catering
his party.
344
00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:18,857
I know, I'm sorry.
345
00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:21,484
It's just that, since the cookie
business became successful,
346
00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:22,777
I'm not sad anymore.
347
00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:24,904
Well, there goes my dream
of becoming
348
00:14:24,990 --> 00:14:26,698
The next otis spunkmeyer.
349
00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:29,117
Your dream is to be
otis spunkmeyer?
350
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:32,912
I love a company that works
a dirty word for a bodily fluid
351
00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:33,997
Into their name.
352
00:14:34,082 --> 00:14:36,291
Chris, that is absolutely
disgusting.
353
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:39,252
Hey, the way I see it,
in this life,
354
00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:41,588
Ya gotta laugh.
355
00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:46,634
God, he said "ya gotta laugh"
so many times,
356
00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:48,344
It started to feel
like a threat.
357
00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:50,054
Why did we come to this again?
358
00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:52,265
Remember that kid I hit
with my mail truck?
359
00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:55,143
-That was the kid?
-That was the kid.
360
00:14:57,731 --> 00:15:00,899
Ladies, I'm at the end
of my rope with this damn show.
361
00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:03,067
Peter's become impossible
to live with.
362
00:15:03,194 --> 00:15:05,403
Yeah, cleveland thinks
he's fancy, too.
363
00:15:05,530 --> 00:15:07,780
You know, he's demanding
pert plus now
364
00:15:07,866 --> 00:15:09,365
Instead of regular old pert.
365
00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:11,326
Joe's also gotten
a big head lately.
366
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:14,162
When he eats graham crackers
now, he totally ignores
367
00:15:14,331 --> 00:15:16,372
The suggested perforations.
368
00:15:16,499 --> 00:15:18,124
He's like a mad king.
369
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:19,876
We've got to shut
this show down.
370
00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:21,628
Oh, I don't know.
371
00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:23,796
Lois, have you heard
what peter said
372
00:15:23,924 --> 00:15:25,173
On yesterday's show?
373
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:27,216
[peter]
and so I say, men,
374
00:15:27,344 --> 00:15:29,135
We deserve a second drawer.
375
00:15:29,220 --> 00:15:32,096
It should be four to two, not five to one.
376
00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:33,514
[gasps]
377
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:38,603
Ladies, it's time to put an end
to their little show.
378
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:45,276
Now, remember, when they
start talking about
379
00:15:45,362 --> 00:15:47,946
How awful women are,
we storm the stage,
380
00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:49,364
Call them out on it.
381
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:53,651
And then we'll go viral
and the show will be canceled.
382
00:15:53,745 --> 00:15:55,244
Welcome to bar table talk.
383
00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:56,913
Fellas, what's on your mind
today?
384
00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:58,748
Is it me, or does it seem
like no one knows how
385
00:15:58,833 --> 00:16:01,376
To coil a garden hose anymore?
386
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,129
Remember sports guys you liked?
387
00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:08,424
-Oh, yeah.
-Totally.
-I like those guys.
388
00:16:11,054 --> 00:16:13,346
Um, you know what,
let's take a break.
389
00:16:13,431 --> 00:16:14,597
We'll be right back.
390
00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:17,892
-Oh, my god, it's happening.
-What's happening?
391
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:19,686
Ah, what are we doing?
392
00:16:19,771 --> 00:16:22,981
I started this 'cause there were
no daytime talk shows with men,
393
00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:25,692
And lois said that's because men
eventually run out of things
394
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:27,068
To say to each other.
395
00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:30,113
Well, looks like she was right.
396
00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:33,866
I don't want to be right.
397
00:16:33,952 --> 00:16:36,327
Lois? What are you all
doing here?
398
00:16:36,413 --> 00:16:38,913
We came down
to get this show canceled.
399
00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:40,456
Between the embarrassing content
400
00:16:40,542 --> 00:16:42,792
And you becoming so full
of yourself at home,
401
00:16:42,836 --> 00:16:44,460
Well, I thought it was
the only option.
402
00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,713
But when I heard you admit
you were wrong,
403
00:16:46,798 --> 00:16:50,091
I remembered why I married you
in the first place.
404
00:16:50,218 --> 00:16:52,927
Because I proposed in an
offensive chinese accent,
405
00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:54,470
And you just wanted to
get out of the restaurant?
406
00:16:54,597 --> 00:16:57,640
No, peter, because beneath
all your craziness,
407
00:16:57,726 --> 00:17:00,977
I know there's just a sweet,
confused child.
408
00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:03,062
-Can I get a lizard?
-No, peter.
409
00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:04,188
But you said!
410
00:17:04,274 --> 00:17:05,982
Fine, you can get a lizard.
411
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:07,900
I love you, mom lois.
412
00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:09,694
I love you, too, peter.
413
00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:12,488
Can you watch my lizard?
I'm bored of it.
414
00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:17,368
You really think
seeing a therapist
415
00:17:17,454 --> 00:17:19,078
Is the best way
to get me to cry?
416
00:17:19,164 --> 00:17:21,914
Absolutely. And this guy is
the best in town.
417
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,208
See you next week, john.
418
00:17:24,294 --> 00:17:25,460
Looking forward to it.
419
00:17:25,587 --> 00:17:27,712
Man, there's nothing to do
for that guy,
420
00:17:27,839 --> 00:17:29,547
But he's got insurance.
421
00:17:29,591 --> 00:17:31,674
Okay, who's meg griffin?
422
00:17:34,471 --> 00:17:37,472
So, I'm dr. Matthews,
but you can call me brad.
423
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:40,132
My delta chi brothers
used to call me crusher,
424
00:17:40,185 --> 00:17:41,809
So that's fair game, too.
425
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:43,186
Wow, this guy rocks.
426
00:17:43,313 --> 00:17:45,480
Before we start,
it's important to know
427
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:46,981
I only accept crypto.
428
00:17:47,025 --> 00:17:49,817
So bitcoin, dogecoin
or ethereum.
429
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:52,070
Oh, actually, wait.
Not ethereum.
430
00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:54,405
Wait, wait, no.
I-I don't, I don't anymore.
431
00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:57,033
Wait, yes, yes, I do,
but you have to send it,
432
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:58,201
-Like, right now.
-[phone beeps]
433
00:17:58,328 --> 00:17:59,744
-Did you send it?
-I did.
434
00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:01,788
No! Why did you do that?!
435
00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:04,874
Ooh, "forget real estate.
Invest in money
436
00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:06,959
You can't even see," they said.
437
00:18:07,128 --> 00:18:10,421
Okay, I guess let's talk
about you.
438
00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:13,800
Well, earlier this week, I cried
into some cookie dough,
439
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:17,136
And my tears actually made
the cookies taste incredible.
440
00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:20,431
So we started a successful
cookie business using my tears.
441
00:18:20,517 --> 00:18:23,059
But now I'm too happy
to cry anymore.
442
00:18:23,103 --> 00:18:25,603
But no tears means no money.
443
00:18:25,730 --> 00:18:28,022
Meg, have you considered
the reason you're happy
444
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:29,690
Isn't because of the business?
445
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,610
That maybe it's because
you finally got to spend
446
00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:35,613
Quality time bonding with
the family members you love?
447
00:18:35,698 --> 00:18:39,200
Oh, snap. My man crusher
dropping knowledge bombs.
448
00:18:39,327 --> 00:18:42,745
Guys, is the money really worth
the sister you love
449
00:18:42,831 --> 00:18:44,997
Feeling badly about herself?
450
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:49,836
-No.
-It's not.
451
00:18:49,921 --> 00:18:51,796
The new thom browne line
is out next week,
452
00:18:51,965 --> 00:18:53,506
So maybe?
453
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,676
Wow, I can't believe
you'd choose my happiness
454
00:18:56,845 --> 00:18:58,511
Over all that money, you guys.
455
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,179
That really means a lot.
456
00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,181
We just want you
to be happy, meg.
457
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:04,684
Chris is right. We love you.
458
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:07,520
Oh, I love you guys.
459
00:19:11,401 --> 00:19:13,192
Hey, where's that diploma from?
460
00:19:13,361 --> 00:19:14,944
Oh, that's not a diploma.
461
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:17,238
That's a certificate for
finishing the big bertha
462
00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:19,615
At leo's bar and grill
in cincinnati.
463
00:19:19,701 --> 00:19:22,869
Got a t-shirt, too,
but it's at the dry cleaners.
464
00:19:22,954 --> 00:19:24,787
Wow. Dry cleaning a t-shirt
465
00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:27,415
Bragging about a regional
food challenge?
466
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,584
That's the dream.
467
00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:35,882
Honey, it's me. They fell
for the whole crusher routine.
468
00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:37,925
Oh, and their little
cookie business?
469
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:42,096
Let's just say I...
Took care of it.
470
00:19:47,136 --> 00:19:49,228
[sinister laughter]
471
00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:53,065
[sinister laughter]
472
00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:56,027
[sinister laughter]
473
00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,447
[sinister laughter]
474
00:20:00,909 --> 00:20:04,076
[siren wailing]
475
00:20:04,204 --> 00:20:05,786
What happened last night?
476
00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,080
Oh, nothing. Just...
Just hit a home run
477
00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:09,665
In my softball game.
478
00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:11,700
No, I mean,
I mean the building.
479
00:20:11,794 --> 00:20:14,086
Huh? Oh, huge gas leak.
480
00:20:14,172 --> 00:20:16,005
Won the game.
Everybody's dead.
481
00:20:21,596 --> 00:20:24,805
Sorry I got carried away with
my daytime talk show, lois.
482
00:20:24,933 --> 00:20:26,724
Oh, peter, I'm just glad
you're home
483
00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:29,310
And still wearing television
makeup for some reason.
484
00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,646
I don't know what you're
talking about.
485
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:34,273
Hey, sorry your cookie business
didn't work out, meg.
486
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:36,192
Yeah, I guess it would have
been pretty sweet
487
00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:39,028
To have a successful
cookie business, but it's fine.
488
00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:41,489
You know, meg, the way I see it,
489
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:44,325
Life's too darn short.
490
00:20:46,871 --> 00:20:48,329
Boy, that was brutal.
491
00:20:48,373 --> 00:20:50,206
Yeah, what a big waste of time.
492
00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:53,251
I know, it's like life really is
too darn short.
493
00:20:53,294 --> 00:20:56,087
Huh. Maybe it was good.
494
00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:58,422
Screw it, I'm getting a shirt.
35006
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