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[§]

DUANE:
When I started high school

I wasn't exactly well-liked,

but I was well known,

mostly because my dad is kind
of famous here in Ridgeburg;

maybe the most famous Ridgeburger ever.

My dad taught me that

you always stand up for
what you believe in;

if it means fighting,
well then, fight.

He always stood up for
what he believed in,

that's what made him famous.

He taught me a lot about how
to get people's attention

and from an early age

I started working on my own techniques

to win friends
and influence people.

Now in my last year
of high school,

my skills are undeniable.

My campaign speech for
student council president

clocked in at an
impressive 38 minutes.

My opponent Chad Milton
responded with the promise

of a raging kegger at
his parent's house.

So really, how can I lose?

[feedback]

PA: These are your
morning announcements,

pay attention please.

Ridgeburg High
has selected

this year's new
student council.

I would like to thank the
Ridgeburg Screaming Raven

Booster Club for
tabulating the results

from this morning's vote.

Thank you Boosters.

Now before I read the results I'd like to congratulate

all the candidates on
waging a fine campaign.

You are will winners
when you participate.

Full election results
are as follows:

Chad Milton, 560 votes.

Milt Vanderveer,
14 votes,

spoiled ballots 8,

Duane Balfour, 5 votes.

Chad Milton is your new
student council president.

Chad, Todd, stick down.

That's all for today.

Back to work.

Your boyfriend...
is a loser.

[Bell rings]

Warrick, you're with me.

[§]

He's like 8 times
bigger than you.

Size doesn't matter.

Keep telling
yourself that Jim.

Getting beat up by Chad
isn't going to change

the election results.

This has absolutely
nothing to do

with the election Molly.

Do you see this, Chad's
first official act of office?

Nobody hurts my brother.

Duane, he head!

Have fun.

Balfour, what the hell!

Your little brother's
your backup?

That's so gay.

[Yelling]

Go for the crotch.

Go for the crotch!

Why are you hitting
yourself?

That's my job,
you little shit.

[Yelling]

§ Hey good looking,
why the frown, §

§ you always looks better
when it's upside down. §

§ You say you got nowhere
that you're going to, §

§ can I go nowhere with you? §

§ I took the Dartmouth
Ferry into the town, §

§ spend my pennies
bumming around, §

§ trying to find a way to tear
a strip off these blues, §

§ can I go nowhere with you? §

§ Paid the cover,
saw the show, §

§ sat at the bar where
the drinks did flow; §

§ didn't see a single
face that I knew §

§ so I went nowhere
with you. §

§ Can I travel on tonight,
we'll kill some time, §

§ it looks like you might
need a little comforting; §

§ I'm so cheap
I might as well be free. §

§ Hey good looking,
why the frown, §

§ you always looks better
when it's upside down. §

§ You say you got nowhere
that you're going to, §

§ can I go nowhere with you? §

§ Na, na, na... §

§ Can I go nowhere with you? §

§ Na, na, na, na, na, na... §

§ Can I go nowhere with you? §

I'm cooperating
under protest.

I shouldn't be here.

You started a
parking lot brawl.

Then Chad should be here too.

No, you attacked him
because you lost.

It's just not true.

I only wanted to
talk to Chad

because he stole
Maurie's Ritalin.

Oh please, Chad does
not use the drugs.

Detention: Five days.

I think he
likes you.

[horn and tires screeching]

Good lord.

Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie,
Bonnie, Bonnie...

Mort McQuillan,
Action 10 news,

just a few questions
Mrs. Balfour.

What are you doing her Mort?

Why'd you break
up with me Bonnie?

You are so pathetic.

Was it you, was it
me, was a woman thing?

Come on, viewers have a
right to know, or was it,

you know, my penis?

Mort!

Oh so you do have a
problem with penises,

not just my penis, right?

I'm so sorry.

Don't make me embarrass you
in front of your friends okay.

Lady we're not
his friends.

Look, it was a mistake,
it happened twice.

And why do you care?

You didn't want to be
seen in public with me.

I'm the only news
around town sugar,

I mean I got to look single,
you know, impartial.

Sweet Jesus!

What happened?

Chad Milton.

Interview is over now!

And I was drunk.

To be continued.

Come on into the house.

Hey, Mort McQuillan,
Action 10.

Yeah I know who
you are Mort.

All of us,
into the house.

Uncle Bingo, you too.

All right.

See you later Bonnie.

Can't we just go three
days without any injuries?

It wasn't my fault.

It's just normal teenage
brawling Bonnie.

Don't encourage.

Mom's right, fighting
generally solves nothing.

I wouldn't have to if Chad
and his idiot cronies

didn't start...

All right, I don't want to
know, I don't want to know.

Just tell me on a scale of
1-10, how badly are you hurt.

About a 4.

3.

I'm fine.

You shut up; I'll get
the first aid kit.

Hey, sit down.

Let's hear Uncle
Bingo for a second.

You know who wins?

Last man standing.

You don't have to
use your fists

to be last man standing,

especially if the
other guy looks like

he's big and can
kick your ass.

You know what I'm saying?

That's good, it's clever.

Weiner.

DUANE: Ridgeburg,
once a mining town,

was called Nickel Valley

until a landslide
forced miners

to use the rear
passage into the town.

So Ridgeburg was
renamed Rear Entry,

until 1846 when an
influx of Mormons

decided on a less
Parisian name,

thus Rear Entry was
renamed Ridgeburg.

Interestingly,

the very ridge for which
the town is named after

sits above a layer
of brittle rock

called shale.

In time the shale would
crumble much like an empire,

and as in any empire

wealth and power rest
in the hands of a few

and in Ridgeburg,
the few are the Miltons.

From the highest levels of
government to the lowest,

for you see the history of
Ridgeburg is in many ways

the history of
a Plutocracy,

which brings us to
Bucks and Bargoons,

just one of the
many businesses

and properties held by
the Milton family.

These also include a Lock
and Safe; a mining company;

a controversial Ridgeburg
Heights housing development.

And so the Milton
domination of Ridgeburg

is all but complete,

which brings us to
the most important property

owned by the Milton family-
the Milton's crowning jewel,

City Hall.

Duane, do you know
what the legal term is

for making wild,
unfounded allegations?

Courageous?

Slander.

Look, it's satire.

Let's skip the bull shit.

I know you've had
a rough few years,

but you're a
bright guy Duane.

Why waste so much energy
on somebody like Chad?

If this is about the
election, don't worry,

I'm way over it.

It's not just the
election Duane.

It's about every
student election

over the past four years;

and every sports team

and every-- everything
that Chad does.

[Bell rings]

4:30, I guess we're done.

Promise me that you'll try
to channel your energy

into something productive.

Okay.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay...

the name of the plan:
Operation Infinite Justice.

I don't actually have a plan
yet, but the name's a go.

We need to hit Chad
where he hurts the most.

Any ideas?

Go for the crotch?

Not this time,

but I'm glad you've
been paying attention.

I don't even know why
I even bother going

to her detentions
anymore.

I think, Miss Houston, she
just wants to help you.

Help me what?

Help me accept that asses
like Chad win everything,

every time?

Accept it because
I'm a Balfour

I'm supposed to lose,
like a loser?

You're not a loser Duane.

Great, my mom says
I'm not a loser.

Looks like I got me
a date to the prom.

There's no need
to act like this.

There is a need and
I'm not backing down.

[Whisper]
Shh. Indoor voices.

Is that your solution
to everything,

keep your voice down and
pretend nothing's wrong?

Maybe.

Just maybe if this family
spent a little more time

keeping our voices down,
nothing would be wrong.

And maybe we could just pretend
that we're happily shopping,

and let's pretend that
you're not going to hop

on your high horse
and retaliate.

And let's pretend that
none of these people

are staring at us,
all right?

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

You're just upset.

And I'd love to go
to the prom with you.

But honey I just
hope we can end

this stupid cycle
of violence.

Okay?

[§]

§ The eastern world,
it is exploding, §

§ violence flaring,
bullets loading. §

§ You're old enough to
kill, but not for voting, §

§ you don't believe in war, §

§ but what's that gun
you're toting. §

§ Even the Jordan River
has bodies floating, §

§ but you tell me
over and over §

§ and over again,
my friend... §

Sweet ride.

What do you think?

It's the cycle
of violence.

It was Bonnie's idea.

Guess I know where
this is headed.

Straight into Chad's SUV.

Fine, I'm sorry.

Do you even know what
you're sorry for?

No, but I am.

I've been doing some
thinking and we need to talk.

You're breaking up
with me again?

Not breaking up,

more like an audit
of our relationship.

Well, how long this time?
A month.

That's longer than
last time. Why?

You're always getting
into stupid fights;

you obsess over
that idiot Chad;

you don't shower enough.

I can change the last one.

You're a hard guy to be with.

Can I still see you?

Of course.

Can I still
see you naked?

No.

Fine, then you can't
see me naked either.

Why don't you just
use a sledge hammer?

There's no poetry
in that.

I want my bike back.

Soon enough.

Time?

Within 5 minutes, Chad, who
regularly cuts Spanish class,

will park his
SUV right there.

How do you know?

Road.

I'm going to sex
you up Milton style.

Pig, pig, pig!

Wooo!

He'll park, then go inside
with Bridget Onstead,

and stay until his
11:15 English class.

Maurie, leg...

And contact.

I'm going to need to push.

Okay.

Five, four...

[Yelling]

That was artless.

How long?

A week.

It didn't happen
at the school.

You shouldn't be suspended.

You should be in jail.

I copped a deal.

No criminal charges

and the school handles
the discipline.

If I had it my way you'd
be led out in hand cuffs.

You're suspended huh?

Retarded huh?

Ha, ha, that's
so funny Balfour.

How am I going to live
without your psychotic blend

of gay comedy?

Don't worry, I know where
you live and I deliver.

Oh, is that a threat?

Maybe I should
call the cops,

they could use you
for target practice,

just like you dad.

Let it go.

Let me go!

It's over!

You prick.

What? What?

Balfour!
Duane!

Chad bringing up your dad
like that just shows

what a total
shit head he is.

He's so not worth it.

Say something.

Yeah, I used to get
suspended, a lot.

Dad, not so much,

except I remember one
time there was a kid

who was giving him kind
of a rough ride at school,

a bully.

Cec wasn't much
of a fighter, you know,

he was kind of a slapper
so you know what I did?

Get drunk and
go to the track?

No smart boy taught
him how to fight.

Taught him the art
of the cold cock.

I said go up to this kid and
ask him if he wants to fight,

and the second
he starts to say yes,

the second the 'ye'
comes out of his mouth,

just crack him before he has
time to put up his dukes.

So your dad, he goes
to school the next day,

he's all excited, he's ready
and after school he walks up

to this kid and he just
slaps him out of the blue,

he doesn't even
say anything;

doesn't ask him if he
wants to fight or nothing

and the kid's nose
burst open and...

but he gave your dad a
wide berth after that.

Guess we have a memorial
service tomorrow.

So who do you like
in the 6th huh?

I don't know,
Old Red Eyes?

Old Red Eyes,
he's twenty to one.

Colonel Dropsy is where
the smart money is.

Yeah, well smart money's
lost 80 bucks already.

Smart money's about
to lose 20 more

on Colonel
Dropsy, huh.

Barbara Melhochuck,
Babin to her friends,

was loved by all.

Her highly regarded
figurine collection...

Cecil Balfour, Cec to his
friends, was loved by all.

His early years
were passed in a stable...

and loving
blue collar home.

Cecil's love of igneous
rocks, in particular,

earned him the name Iggy,
among his college chums.

In fact Igneous rocks are
why he settled in Ridgeburg

in '72.

His training in geology

offering promise
of a better future.

[Phone rings]

Hello.

Balfour?

If you're calling to
figure out if I'm okay,

don't worry, I am.

So how come you weren't
at the memorial?

I had to edit my
video project.

Let me know when you put
this bull shit behind you.

Since when is fighting
the man bullshit?

Chad isn't the man.

Chad's a tool.

And as long as you keep
on going after a tool,

so are you.

But you won't stop.

Tomorrow's your
first day back

and I give you to
the end of the day

before you
got tossed again.

[§]

§ Come teacher,
teach me something, §

§ don't just fill my
head with nothing. §

§ No, no, teacher, I'm still
sitting in this desk, §

§ no I'm not quitting. §

§ No, no teacher,
I won't give up; §

§ I just hope that
I can live up... §

Duane?

Come on in.

Sit.

Read your paper
on Lord of the Flies.

Any good?

Well, when you said that
the book 'sucked conch',

I stopped reading
after that,

and you spelled
my name wrong.

I was uninspired.

Don't act smart Duane.

You let me down.

Fine, I'll write
another paper.

It's not about
the paper Duane.

I thought we had
an understanding.

You said that you'd
channel your energies

into something
more productive.

But instead you channeled
some sort of bicycle bomb

into Chad's car.

Fine, how would you like
me to channel my energies?

Join the Glee Club?

They're so gleeful they
never fight anything.

I never said
not to fight,

but learn to pick
your battles.

I'm going to
tell you something

that you might
not know.

What's that?

The Chad Miltons of the
world will stay in this town

for the rest
of their lives;

for them the world
is a small place.

So?

So, you're going to graduate
and leave Ridgeburg,

and eventually do whatever
it is that you want to do.

The world is a big place for
you Duane, but not for Chad.

He'll look back at high
school as his glory days.

Set your sights higher Duane.

Lose the gum,
McDonnelly, lose it.

Now mister...

If I have to come down
there Garvis...

[students chatting]

Attention students!

Quiet please, quiet!

I'm quite honoured
to have with us today

Mayor Kelly Milton,
so give a warm,

Ridgeburg Screaming Ravens
welcome to Mayor Milton.

[Ca-caw!]

'Ca-caw' to you too.

It is a great honor for
me, every year, as Mayor,

to come and inaugurate the
new student council

of Ridgeburg High.

My own career began
in student politics;

right here in
this very school,

and I'm happy to say...

the apple doesn't
fall far from the tree.

I hope this office will
afford my grandson,

Chadwick Leslie Milton,

the opportunity to learn

what my own
incumbency has taught me:

To truly lead is to serve,

and the price of
greatness is responsibility.

[laughter]

Chadwick...

[Ca-caw]

Duane, Duane...

you're scaring me.

One hand washes
the other.

[Pebble clatters]

[Window smashes]

What the hell?

Balfour!

You're gonna pay
for that mister.

Is Molly home?

I will get a shovel
and some lime,

no one will cry
for you Balfour!

Balfour!

Chatting with my dad?

There's something
I have to tell you,

can we just do it
further away from here?

Bonnie's?

It's my own
private stash.

Bonnie's is all
seeds and stems.

It looks like a retarded
monkey rolled that.

Please, I'm a
connoisseur.

So what's
the big deal?

I've had
an epiphany.

Great, what are you calling
your radical group

of freedom fighters
this time?

No, no, this is
totally different.

Yeah, it's always different
until you pull out

the revolutionary
bandanas.

No, this is something
serious Molly.

Some people look back
on their lives and say,

why did I lie down when
I could have stood up;

why did I stay silent when I
could have raised my voice;

why didn't I set
my sights higher?

And the moral
of the story is?

I'm running for mayor.

Christ, is that even legal?

Yeah, I'm a citizen of
Ridgeburg; I'm old enough;

I've got the hundred bucks
to file my papers

with the city clerk.

Does this have anything
to do with your dad?

Well yeah,

it's got everything
to do with my dad,

and everything that they
did to him and to me

and to my family and...

you know what,

I don't think they've done
much for Ridgeburg either.

City hall should belong to
you and me and the people,

not to the richest
family in town.

It's like with
this whole ridge.

It used to belong
to all of us, right,

and now it belongs
to the Mayor's family

and then magically it
becomes a housing development

and no one questions it.

God, I'm making a
huge mistake here.

No you're not.

I think you've
finally found a project

worthy of your fucked up ambitions.

Just don't screw
this one up Balfour.

Duane!

[§]

JIM: Welcome back.

Five-term incumbent,
Mayor Kelly Milton

is trying to
make a record, six.

KIM: That's right Jim,
but the big news is,

for the first
time in 20 years,

there's more
than Vince Vaserelli

running against her.

Vince, a perennial candidate
and beloved pan handler

will be joined by another
challenger this election.

JIM: Local area high school
student, Duane Balfour,

is running for Mayor.

KIM: Duane is perhaps best
known as the regional

jazz master's champion
a few years back.

He's also known around
town for being suspended

upwards of 6 times,

most recently for a
bizarre vandalism incident

involving an SUV.

JIM: Well, it's a good thing

he's got the criminal
background necessary

to make it as
a politician.

KIM: Jim, you
shouldn't! Jim!

We are experiencing an
unprecedented economic boom

here in Ridgeburg.

I think it is safe to say
under my administration

'we got it going on'.

Mayor Milton...

how do you answer those
critics who say

another term just isn't
healthy for democracy?

Well, between
you and me Mort,

I think this will
be my last term.

When you get to my age,
you tend to be realistic.

Mrs. Milton?

Yes.

I'm Duane Balfour.

Are you going to school
with my Chadwick?

Are you one of
his boyfriends?

No, I'm running for Mayor.

Well that's great!

I applaud you Wayne!

Politics is for everyone,

including our young people.

And who is this
fine young man?

My junior campaign
manager.

Oh, well I think that we
may have some

special little thing for your
junior campaign manager.

[Whispers]
Mrs. Milton...

I'm Duane Balfour,

Cecil Balfour's son.

And good luck
to you Wayne,

I'm sure you will
do just fine.

You know what
that is?

Further erosion of our
electoral process?

I think it's
kind of cute.

Exactly.

That is pure grade A,
human interest gold.

Kind of like a kitten
riding a bicycle

or a Norman
Rockefeller picture;

people eat that
heartwarming shit up!

I think we got another
talk of the town.

Haven't you screwed
that family enough?

Let's roll.

Who threw my
stuff on the lawn?

It was her.

My records?

I'm putting them back.

Putting them back?

Putting them back.

Why is it even out?

I can't believe this.

I overreacted.

I'm allowed to do that
every now and again.

Well pretend you're me,

what would you do
if you had a son

that's doing something that
you don't want him to do?

He's pig headed,
he's stubborn

and he doesn't
listen to you.

So let's take his record
collection and throw it

on the lawn?

Just because a guy decides
to get political...

Now you see, that's how it
starts and then it snowballs.

First it's name calling
with the school bully

and then it's an all out
war with city hall

and where does
it end Duane?

What happens next?

You're overreacting.

You're damn right.

I tend to over react when
members of this family

start idiotic crusades.

And if I'm overreacting

it's because I know
how it ends.

It ends with you getting
a record collection

instead of a father!

Move!

[§]

I still need
a catchy slogan.

What do you think?

Who gives a shit?

That's a terrible slogan.

That's not
what I meant.

The kids at school
are saying stuff.

Who cares what they say?

For them the world
is a small place.

This is the right
thing to do, trust me.

Do you have to do it?

I'm going to need you
on this one Maurie;

we're going to need
pamphlets, flyers,

posters made
and distributed

and go door-to-door

until every man, woman
and child of voting age

knows what I stand for.

So what do you say...

Senior Campaign Manager?

BINGO:
I just don't think they're
going to take a kid seriously.

DUANE: Think I'll look back
on this as a mistake?

Yeah, yeah I do.

You think I'm crazy?

A little.

I remember you telling
me a story once...

God, Duane I tell
lots of stories, okay,

and that's what most of
them are, just stories.

Yeah, but this
one's true.

It's the one about Rudy.

Jesus Christ kid, why do
you got to bring up Rudy?

You had a dream.

Instead of
betting on horses,

you were going to own
a couple, remember?

Bingo's Booty;
Speed McQueen...

Yeah, I know.

You loved those horses.

Yeah I love them, and if
they wanted to run for Mayor

I'd say they were stupid.

Yeah, well they didn't.

Remember what you
told me about Rudy?

A horse that can
run is easy to find,

but a good jockey
to ride him...

The only jockeys
I could afford

were either fat
or over 60 or both.

You had a brilliant
idea; daring, original.

You trained Rudy
for how long?

Five months.

In secret.

Duane, I really don't want
to get into this, okay?

All that work and for what?

For what?

He could have been ...

The best damn jockey
in the country.

If only they would
have let him ride!

So you get him ready!

Oh he was ready!

And what happened?

What happened?

You know damn well
what happened!

They wouldn't let him race
on a god damn technicality,

that's what happened!

I hand stitched that
little jersey myself

if you can believe it.

They laughed at you.

Yeah, yeah they did.

He could have been
one of the greats.

I looked through every
rule book in the country

and there was not one that said
your jockey had to be human.

You were robbed.

And when you
look back on it,

do you think Rudy
was a mistake?

What? Hell no!

I loved this monkey.

He could have been...

he could have been
the best of all time.

Okay Duane,
I see your point.

What do you need?

Four thousand dollars

and your support
on election day.

You got it.

Say good night to the...

to the big guy in
the little body.

It's a go, we're
funded, thanks to Rudy.

So we're done?

Not even close.

We're just getting started.

We still have to hammer
home the platform and...

There's a platform?

Of course.

Where is it?

I'm finishing it tonight.

Okay.

You know this platform, it's
not like a stage or anything.

I know.

It's like a
declaration of beliefs.

I know.

So what is your platform?

Democracy is a
dirty little secret.

Every now and then politicians
use power to get money,

but once in a while a
politician comes along

[shouting over vacuum]
and really shakes things up!

Instead of using
power to get money,

they use money
to get power!

I pause here to let
the laughter die down!

I don't think
we have any!

Why does this happen?

Because we the people
allow it to happen;

we allow it to happen
when we don't question;

we allow it to happen
when we don't vote;

and we allow it to happen

when we don't
question how we vote.

So my platform is
simply this: Question.

Question me, question
the other candidates

and question whether or
not it has been good

to have the same
government for decades.

Some may argue that the way
things are seems pretty good.

Who cares if we live
in a dictatorship

so long as it is a
benevolent one?

To them I say,
dictatorships are dangerous

no matter how benevolent
they may seem.

Once you've give the
power to dictate,

you also give up the
right to be listened to.

Good work Gordon!

And when people
stop listening

the cries of protest
fall on deaf ears!

We need to embrace change.

We need to challenge those
who claim to represent us

and most of all, question
those in charge.

Thank you.

Okay, I'll
think about it.

Good, please do.

Do it for
the children.

Hi. Good day.

Hi, my name's Duane Balfour
and I'm running for Mayor.

Hey, I know who you are,
you're that mayor guy.

I'm totally going
to vote for you man.

Here's a pamphlet
about what I stand for

and everything
I believe.

Pamphlet stating my beliefs

and what I basically
stand for.

What's this?

It's a pamphlet.

Sweet.

Vote Balfour.

Vote Balfour.

Vote Balfour.

Have a good day.

Thank you so much
for your time.

Vote Balfour.

Thank you for your time.

Vote Balfour.

Today was big, but
tomorrow's bigger.

Yeah, nice melons, bro!

So did you find my
gondolier outfit?

Mom told me to
stop looking.

She said it was one
of your corn hole antics.

It's cornball, and
it's not even that,

I've got to keep
a high profile.

People eat with
their eyes.

God I love Locktoberfest.

Maurie!
Pamphlets!

Hey Balfour.

Hey Chadwick.

That's a nice scarf
you got there.

Thank you.
Happy Locktoberfest.

Happy Locktoberfest.

Hey, watch it kid.

Ohhh.

Okay, Chad you've
had your fun,

so how about in the spirit
of Locktoberfest...

Hey, what do you
think you're doing?

Why don't you mind
your own beeswax?

Just leave him alone.

Is this some kind of joke?

Somebody call the cops.

What are you doing Chad?

I was throwing things.

Can't do that,
he's got rights.

Get out of here.

See you around Balfour.

Hey, thanks.

You win, I'm moving
to New Zealand.

Step right up!

Duane Balfour for Mayor!

I broke up with you because
you're a horrible human being.

Now you have your
answer, so fuck off.

Whoa, Bonnie, Bonnie, ow!

Listen, I'm not here
about that, okay.

I'm here about Duane.

Duane...

What do you want with him?

We're doing
a piece on him

because I think
Duane's a remarkable kid.

Oh, please.

You hate kids.

No, I said I
hate my kids.

Come on, you going to
give me an interview...

because either way
I'm doing the piece,

so you can either
give me an interview

or I'll just
have to fill it

full of rumors
and innuendo.

Your choice.

You promise me
one thing.

Name it.

Don't make him
look stupid.

Done.

Passion, conviction,
controversy.

These and other nouns describe
young mayoral candidate

Duane Balfour.

In a few short weeks this
young fire brand has risen

from political
obscurity to the tips

of every one's tongues.

That's what he's
the Talk of the Town,

with Mort McQuillan.

A native son of Ridgeburg,
Duane was raised

in this modest bungalow.

BONNIE: He was a happy kid;
a very happy kid.

Carefree.

Cecil and me, we tried
to involve the boys

in everything.

Cecil would take Duane
along on all his outings,

like a little side sick.

Duane idolized Cecil,
just idolized him.

Even when things
started to go bad

Duane was a really
good boy; he really was.

He's smart, so smart
like a fire cracker.

He always seemed to
be one step ahead.

MORT: Duane's
drive and ambition

translated into
academic success.

MISS HOUSTON: Duane Balfour,

let's just say
he never took the path

of least resistance.

His essays were always the
ones that I looked forward

to reading the most.

They were always really
thoughtful, insightful.

Others were, well
they were like a big FU

to everything
and every one.

I suggested counseling
after this one.

Nasty.

Rumors of a troubled past
continue to haunt Duane

and questions of Duane's mental
state refuse to go away.

He was about 11 at the time
and when his father died

the court appointed
therapist encouraged Duane

to explore his creative side.

I'm not sure it helped.

I just haven't figured out why
every time Duane gets creative

it involves
smashing things.

I guess some boys
are into sports;

some boys are into music

and other boys are
into smashing things

with wooden baguettes.

Maybe he just needed
a male a role model,

but the guys
in this town;

it's like they figured
out a way

how to cross breed
pigs and jackasses

and made them
all live here.

And just where was
his role model?

Join us for Part 2
of Duane Balfour,

the Littlest Candidate,

when we uncover
the explosive answer

to this burning question
on Talk of the Town.

You're upset huh?

Yup.

Because people eat
with their eyes?

Uh huh.

I have to go
somewhere else.

How did they get
to you Bonnie?

Or did you volunteer

to plunge the
dagger in yourself?

Jesus honey.

Did you see the show?

Yeah.

Because I taped it.

I saw it.

I taped it.

But the guys
in this town;

it's like they
figured out a way

how to cross breed
pigs and jackasses

and made them all live here.

What better way
of reaching male voters

than by having my mommy call
them all pigs and jackasses?

Come on Duane.

I never thought my own
mother would sabotage me.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know it was going
to come out like that.

Just one question Judas,

how many silver pieces did
you get for selling me out?

I'm going to bed.

That idiotic show could
cost me the election.

So sick of losing.

Duane, come on, take
it easy on yourself,

you're a kid.

You've got your whole
life in front of you.

You know why they
call me Bingo?

Because you're the
worst gambler ever.

That's right.

Even went so far as to
bet $400 on a horse--

named glue factory.

Yeah I know uncle Bingo.

Well see, I thought
they were joking.

I thought they were trying
to be ironic, but no,

the horse sucked.

That's not what I
lost the most at, no.

That would have to be
wrestling, semi pro.

I used to fight under the
name Stormy Weathers.

I'd walk down the street
and kids would say, oh,

it looks like stormy
weather's coming.

I like that part of it.

But I only one
once--

59 matches,

yeah, I know Uncle Bingo,
no one gives a shit.

Tell me about that time when
you lost to the woman wrestler.

Except Maurie.

Christ, how the
hell do you fight

a media hatchet
job like that?

Would someone
please tell me?

Well if you would have
listened to my story

about Stormy Weathers versus
the Flaming Order,

you would know you have
to fight fire with fire.

Now do your
Uncle Bingo a favour

and go get me three
beers and a calculator,

before I take you
down on the pool table

and show you the move that
I took out Killer Carlos with

in Regina Saskatchewan.

Okay Maurie, let's fight
fire with fire,

image is everything.

People eat with their eyes.

We're on in 5, 4, 3...

Good evening my
fellow Ridgeburgers.

A lot of you ask what does
a high school student know

about politics...You fuckin rule bro!

Thanks for that!

We'll go from the top.

Good evening my
fellow Ridgeburgers.

A lot of you ask what does
a high school student know

about politics...

Heads up, fuck nuts!

Duane?

Good evening citizens
of Ridgeburgers.

A lot of you ask what does
a high school student know

about politics in
the real world.

To them I say, you are right!

I don't know about
the real world.

A high school student
knows about high school

and this is what I know:

I know that the best and the
brightest get shoved aside

for the biggest and loudest;

I know that it's popularity
that carries the day,

not merit,

and I know that the rules aren't
there to benefit the students.

They're there to benefit
the people in charge.

And I also know
one other thing;

none of this is fair
and it has to change.

What does a high school
student know about politics

in the real world?

On election day you can
answer that for yourselves.

I think it's just dope.

You're giving me
an interview dude.

Well, I had to do something
after your last piece.

People might think
I'm completely insane

after seeing it.

Yeah.

So how's your
campaign hanging?

The campaign is
coming along nicely,

if that's what you mean.

What one word
would Duane Balfour use

to describe
Duane Balfour?

I'm sorry?

I hear you.

And where can voters go

to find out more of
what you stand for?

Well Mort, I've outlined my
platform in this pamphlet

which is widely
available around town

and I also have a
commercial currently airing

on Cable 10.

Yes, that is
totally radical.

Did you
poll Ward 11?

Done.

Maurie, I really
got to commend you

on how you've handled
the campaign so far.

Thank you sir.

Hey Duane,
hey Maurie.

Hi Miss Houston.

This isn't what I meant.

I'm sorry?

Running for Mayor,
it's not what I meant.

Don't worry, I absolve you
of all responsibility.

You've been missing a lot
of school lately Duane.

Well, I have a note.

Dytheria...

it's tummy
complications.

Diphtheria?

Right.

Right, it affects
the throat.

So when are
you coming back?

Um, I don't know.

Maybe after my first term.

Look, if you're
going to play hooky,

don't do it in
front of the school.

I saw your commercial.

Not bad.

So, can I count on your
support on election day?

We'll see.

Bye Maurie.

Bye Duane.

[car doors slamming]

That was interesting,

the way you made me
run out of the restaurant

without paying.

Yeah, yeah, that's
kind of my thing.

So I think your roommate's
cool if I come in

and do a
few hot knives?

Yes, why don't we
ask your roommate?

How does Lyle feel
about hot knives?

Balfour.

Just thought I'd tell you
about the incredible success

the video's been getting.

Hi, I'm Duane Balfour,
I'm running for Mayor.

Yeah, I know you.

[§]

§ My mind's made up,
my mind's made up, §

§ I'm gonna come
clean tomorrow. §

§ My mind's made up,
my mind's made up, §

§ I'm going to fly
straight as an arrow. §

§ I'm going to fly
straight as an arrow §

§ ever since
I made up my mind. §

§ I'm going to cross
my t's, dot my I's §

§ and everything will
work out fine. §

Hey, it's me Molly,
leave a message.

Hey, it's me.

I was just calling about
earlier in case you wanted

to talk about it or anything.

Give me a call.

Vote Balfour.

Hey it's me Molly,
leave a message.

I don't know if my message
got erased by accident

but I called.

So I guess this is
a safety message.

It's Duane by the
way, call me back.

I'm sorry.

There I said it.

Call me back okay.

This is just stupid.

I'M SORRY!

There.

I don't know what you want
from me, so please, please,

just call me back.

I'M SORRY!

There.

I don't know what you want
from me, so please, please,

just call me back.

§ everything will
work out fine. §

I like this bit.

Poising the world
of the future...

that's good.

Thanks.

What's going on?

Actually, I need your
help with something.

I told you Duane I'm not
too good with politics.

It's about Molly.

You want my advice
on women?

Yeah.

Well, I pretty much figure

that whenever I get a
good one I probably...

I fooled her,

which isn't easy because a
good woman is hard to con.

I don't really want to con
her, unless it would work.

Don't con her.

You want to get back
together with Molly,

just tell her you're sorry
and mean it, make a gesture,

make it grand, she's
appreciate that.

A grand gesture.

I can do those.

[§]

[Yelling]
MOLLY!

MOLLY!

JIM: What is Duane
Balfour thinking?

First the SUV
thing, now this.

KIM: Seems the Mayor's race
is finally heating up.

JIM: There's no word on charges.

KIM: Either way,
he'll be driving

the court of public opinion.

That's for sure Kim.

Well, that's
why I said it.

Right.

MOLLY!

MOLLY!

How many laws are
left to break?

You're overreacting.

You threatened
your girlfriend.

It was just a
misunderstanding.

Some of letters
didn't light.

Molly?

It doesn't even make sense,
'I can hang', what is that?

BONNIE: Why would you set
fire to her garage?

That only happened because
somebody was slack

on his fire control duties.

Don't blame your brother.

Thank you.

Get out.

I suppose you had
a hand in this.

I said make
grand gesture,

I didn't say nothing
about arson.

You are the closest thing
that he has to a father figure

and you practically
hand him the matches.

Hey, I might not be a
good role model but...

I'm not a good role model.

Thanks for the
advice Bingo.

You're welcome.

Don't blame your uncle.

Thank you.
Get out.

Okay.

I can smooth
this all over.

I just need to talk to Molly.

Talk to Molly?

You're lucky her father
isn't pressing charges.

Hi I'm Duane Balfour and I...

Forget it son, I'm
not interested.

No, no--

Hi.

We lost some yards with
that Molly business.

We?

Duane, I want
to go home.

We've only got
a few more days.

You can't crap out on me now.

Well Molly's right.

Whenever something is going
good you always screw it up.

Look, we've got a few
more houses to canvass,

then the radio interview,
then the debate,

then it's clear sailing
to the election.

We're going to pull it off.

What do you say?

I'm out Duane.

You're my senior
campaign manager.

We're a team.

Team Maurie doesn't want to be
a part of Team Duane anymore.

[§]

We're back.

It's Kim and Jim
in the morning.

Let's say hello to Mayoral
candidates Duane Balfour

and Kelly Milton.

Thank you, good
morning Ridgeburg.

Jim. Kim...

Aren't you the sweetest,
with your little suit.

Okay, first question.

Duane, some of our listeners
are asking themselves

how can someone so
young, be a mayor?

DUANE: Well Jim I view
my lack of experience

as a strength.

I haven't been
polluted by the system;

I'm in nobody's pocket.

Besides, how can you get
political experience

without being elected?

I don't know, how?

[laughs]
I'm sorry.

Okay, Mayor Milton, why
do you think you deserve

another term in office?

Well Jim, in my time

I have seen
Ridgeburg change

from a small rural
farming community

with little or no
public facilities,

into a prosperous,

well oiled machine.

People are working and our
finances are in order;

Ridgeburg is in order.

Care to respond
Candidate Balfour?

I knew of a guy, he liked
well oiled machines;

he put people to work and
he certainly liked order -

that's one of the things he
was best known for, order.

They called him Hitler!

JIM: Okay, wow.

Let's take a call.

Caller, you're on the air.

CALLER: Yeah, this is
for that Nazi scumbag

who burned a cross on his girlfriend's lawn.

It wasn't a cross.

Yeah, well we got your
number, asshole

so you can expect a visit.

It wasn't a cross.

[dial tone]

Spooky.

Spooky indeed, let's
take another call.

Hello?

CALLER: Hi Duane.

Is this a fucking joke?

Whoa, can't use language
like that on the air.

Caller, you're
on the air.

CALLER: Seriously is this
a fucking joke?

Are there any political
questions here?

Let's find out.
Caller, you're on the air.

CALLER: Hello Duane?
Yes ma'am.

Wasn't your dad the
doomsday prophet?

The guy who got up on
his roof with a gun?

Good question.

MORT:
Madness, bullets, geology.

Three little nouns that haunt
Duane's political future

as he lives in
his father's shadow.

By all accounts Cecil's was
a respected senior geologist

with Milton Industries

but in the late 1980s Cecil
had become convinced

that the town's
historic mines,

coupled with the activities
of burrowing insects,

had weakened the
foundation of the ridge.

Although numerous independent
surveys denied the possibility,

Cecil was convinced that
a collapse was imminent.

As his predictions became
increasingly catastrophic

some town's folk dubbed him
Ridgeburg's prophet of doom.

Cecil's story took a tragic
turn three years ago...

[Yelling]

BONNIE: He would have
never hurt anyone.

He just wanted
attention for his cause.

Anyway, the police came
and shots were fired.

MORT: So as election
day approaches

and candidate Balfour continues
to have brushes with the law,

many voters are asking
themselves just how far

an apple falls from a tree.

That boy's crazy
as his father.

What kind of a sicko

picks on an old woman
like Kelly Milton?

What do you expect from guy
who tried to burn a bunch of

his girlfriends to death?

Yeah, I was going to vote
for him, I really was,

but he tried to punch me.

What one word would
Duane Balfour use

to describe
Duane Balfour?

I'm completely insane.

Can't make an omelet without
your daddy's molasses.

Crazy.

What can I say kid,
that's the game;

that's how
they play it.

I've got the
debate tomorrow.

Dad's gonna come up again.

If I was a betting man, and
I am, put a fiver on it.

Any idea how I
should handle it?

I don't know Duane,
politics and me

don't go together so good,
you know, like peas and...

whatever really
doesn't go with peas.

Just want to know if I
can help you there chief?

I've been watching you
lately and it seems like

you've taken a
lot of knocks.

Maybe it's time to
call in the dogs

and piss on the fire.

I can't quit.

Your dad didn't quit.

We'd knock his ass down,

he'd jump and he'd
try to slap us.

Sometimes it's better
to just stay down.

You mean dad should
have stayed down?

Maybe, I don't know.

Was he wrong to fight?

No.

Sometimes I think your dad
was fighting a good fight,

and other times I just
want my brother back.

Hey bar keep,
hook a brother up.

One more.

If you tell your mom
I was giving you beer

I'm going to come
back as a ghost

and haunt your ass
after she kills me.

[§]

§ Seems so strange how
suddenly things can change, §

§ still this so sad town feels
like the same dang thing. §

§ I see the light. §

§ I see the light. §

§ Hang your head down for
what they have done; §

§ don't let them
cross your eyes out, §

§ cross your eyes out, §

§ hang your head down
for what they have done, §

§ but don't let them
cross your eyes out, §

§ cross your eyes out... §

§ cross your eyes out... §

§ and I have seen the light. §

[§]

§ Don't let them
turn back time, §

§ tear a page from
the birth of man §

[§]

§ don't them cross
your eyes out, §

§ cross your eyes out... §

[birds chirping]

Didn't have any coffee
so I microwaved some Pepsi.

You take cream right?

I don't know if
you still care,

but the debate's
in 2 hours.

[§]

So have some fun last night?

I need a ride.

Forget it.

I'm not going
to help you go

and shout accusations
at people.

You want to throw
stones you do it alone.

I can't stop you,

and I'm not
going to help you.

Mom?

What honey?

I'm tired.

I'm tired of fighting.

I'm tired of looking
like the crazy guy.

Yeah, I'm tired from
just watching you.

[§]

In conclusion,

in order to
win this war

against the
wreaking menace,

we need a three
pronged attack.

First we need to hire
a pest control expert

to thin out the
[Unclear] population

and second, we should
properly rodent-proof

all public garbage
receptacles

and third, and not least
important, of course,

is to release at
least 20 angry bobcats

throughout key
locations in the city.

Thank you.

Thank you Vince.

Thank you.

Mayor Milton,
you have also 1 minute

for your opening remarks.

Thank you Mort.

Today I'm
not going to talk

about my past
accomplishments as Mayor,

I believe those
are self evident.

No, tonight I want to
talk about the future,

a future that can unfold
in one of two ways.

Ridgeburg can enjoy a
continued urban growth,

economic stability and a
commitment to excellence.

[audience murmurs]

Or it could be a journey
into the unknown.

My friends I look forward to
your support on election day.

[applause]

Thank you Mayor Milton.

And finally Mr.
Duane Balfour.

Thank you for joining us.

One minute sir.

I quit.

Excuse me?

Young man, I'm with
neighborhood patrol.

There's been some complaints
of vandalizing signage.

You okay pal?

Looks like some dark
clouds are rolling in,

let's get out of here.

Looks like
Stormy Weathers.

Yes!

I love it when they say that!

Did you see the debate?

One for the
history books pal.

You want to get
something to eat?

Sure.

Beating up signs
builds a hunger in a man.

[low rumble]

Did I ever tell you about
the time I quit my job

as a sea captain?

Anytime Skipper.

Actually, the
Philippino government

stripped me of my title.

Ridgeburg is in shock.

Starting with the catastrophic
collapse of the ridge,

including the entire Ridgeburg
Heights subdivision development.

Had this sub division
been occupied

this tragic event
would have been, well,

really, really tragic.

Perhaps it was the shock of
this catastrophic event

that trigger the heart attack

that took the life of our
beloved mayor, Kelly Milton,

or maybe it was the
greater shock

that Cecil Balfour,

Ridgeburg's one-time
prophet of doom,

may have actually been
right all along.

[sound of air horn]

Bonnie, Bonnie,
Bonnie, Bonnie!

I have nothing to say to
you after what you did.

The only thing I
did was my job,

so if you don't
like the way I...

Good evening, with polls
closing less than an hour ago,

it's still anybody's
guess what to make of it all.

Let's turn to our senior
political analyst,

Rupert Garby, for his take
on the early numbers.

Rupert?

Candidates Milton
and Balfour,

both appear on ballots which
were printed weeks ago,

so voters must be confused
to say the least,

and with 22 of 35
polls reporting,

the Mayor's race is
still too close to call.

It's going to go late folks.

Finally.

Final vote count
is as follows:

Kelly Milton: 6,988 votes

Duane Balfour: 257 votes

Spoiled ballots: 62

Vince Vaserelli: 4 votes.

That doesn't make
any eff'in' sense.

Candidates Milton votes are
all considered spoiled.

Candidate Balfour withdrew
so his votes are spoiled too.

Well, what the hell
are we left with?

Spoiled ballots: 7,307

Vince Vaserelli: 4.

You could look at the
recent events in Ridgeburg

as the beginning of a new

and possibly insane chapter
in the town's history...

or you could look
at it as the poetic end

to an old chapter.

Either way, the way
things are

have become the things were,

leaving us to wonder
about the way things will be.

And as the history of
Ridgeburg begins a new chapter,

the way things will be
is anyone's guess.

Good work Vince.

Good work Gordon.

Yeah, good
work Gordon.

Thanks.

Winning or losing, it all
depends on your point of view.

Yeah, it's true
I'm not the mayor,

I didn't get the girl,

who knows if I'll live
happily ever after,

but I'm glad I fought

and I'm proud
that I stood up

even though
I got knocked down.

I wasn't crazy to
fight the system,

and you know what?

I won't be crazy in the future
when I fight it again.

§ Sun's up, looks okay, §

§ the world survived
into another day, §

§ and I'm thinking
about eternity; §

§ some kind of ecstacy
got a hold on me. §

Balfour.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Seeing how things look.

Do you want to come up?

Never, ever gonna be able
to ride my bike again.

Can someone please tell me

how to unweld the
stupid rotosaw.

You're gonna need
a blow torch.

So you coming
down?

Yeah. I'm coming down.

§ And I wonder where
the lions are. §

§ And I wonder where
the lions are. §

§ And I wonder where
the lions are. §

§ And I wonder where
the lions are. §