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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:06,838 Hey, Abbott! 2 00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:42,608 - What happened? - I lost my job. 3 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,577 Well, we've got to get you another job. 4 00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:46,874 Tell you what you do. 5 00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,092 Go back in there and tell the man to give you another chance. 6 00:00:49,116 --> 00:00:51,347 - Go ahead. - Give me another chance? 7 00:00:51,451 --> 00:00:53,215 Tell him to give you another chance. 8 00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:13,038 Didn't work, did it? 9 00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:15,007 No. 10 00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:17,475 Look, why were you fired in the first place? 11 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,706 I spilled some coffee. 12 00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:20,610 I spilled some coffee. 13 00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:23,741 You mean a man can fire you for just spilling a cup of coffee? 14 00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:25,751 I happened to spill it on that crazy guy 15 00:01:25,852 --> 00:01:27,548 that lives in the same apartment with us. 16 00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:29,555 That Professor Robert. 17 00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,390 All I did... Here he comes. 18 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,294 You pig! 19 00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,397 Allez! 20 00:01:39,499 --> 00:01:41,695 In the alley to you. 21 00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:44,702 Let's get in the car and get out of here. 22 00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,922 How do you do, Sir? We're looking for Dr. Bluzak. 23 00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:05,925 I am Dr. Bluzak. 24 00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:09,155 You are here in response to my advertisement in the newspaper? 25 00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:10,355 Yes, you advertised 26 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:13,127 for a man to help you with one of your experiments? 27 00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:14,826 - To be sure. - Swell. 28 00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:17,404 Won't you come in, please? 29 00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:20,783 Excuse me. I'll see you later. 30 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:23,242 Just a minute. Just a minute. 31 00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:25,244 You are applying for the position? 32 00:02:25,345 --> 00:02:26,938 Not me. Him. 33 00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:33,582 Won't you step into my laboratory? 34 00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:35,986 Said the spider to the fly. 35 00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:47,859 What's the guy doing? 36 00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:50,130 We can be quite alone in here. 37 00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:53,639 Doctor, by the way, what is the nature of your experiment? 38 00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:58,337 It is a known scientific fact that 93% of all the accidents 39 00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:01,005 happen to 3% of the human race. 40 00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:04,380 This 3% we call accident-prone. 41 00:03:04,484 --> 00:03:06,316 Oh, yes. I see. I see. 42 00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,013 - You see what he means? - Oh, yes. 43 00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:09,817 You guys stick around. I'll see you later. 44 00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:13,485 This proneness to accidents, according to my theory, 45 00:03:13,593 --> 00:03:15,528 is born in the unconscious mind. 46 00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:18,997 Shall we say a subconscious fear of accidents? 47 00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:19,862 Yes, surely. 48 00:03:19,966 --> 00:03:23,027 In other words, if you expect an accident, you'll get one. 49 00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:25,435 That's partially correct, yes. 50 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:28,031 But aside from the psychological, 51 00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:31,908 there are other factors which the layman would not comprehend. 52 00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:36,507 I must prove this part of my theory by experimentation. 53 00:03:36,616 --> 00:03:38,482 You're not going to use me for a guinea pig. 54 00:03:38,585 --> 00:03:40,029 I don't care what kind of arrangements he made, 55 00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,364 you're not going to use me for a guinea pig. 56 00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:44,187 By the way, Doctor, how much do we get for this? 57 00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:48,661 - 100 dollars and expenses. - 100 dollars and expenses. 58 00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:50,390 The expenses... That's funeral expenses. 59 00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:52,125 I'm getting out of here! 60 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:55,566 - Listen, Dr. Balzac... - There's no cause for alarm. 61 00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,365 - Now, listen. - No cause for alarm. 62 00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:59,099 When you leave this house, 63 00:03:59,206 --> 00:04:03,701 no harm can befall you for a period of 24 hours. 64 00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:08,578 Accident, illness, injury will be repelled! 65 00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:13,711 Absolutely nothing can harm you. Nothing can touch you. 66 00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:16,346 You can say that again! 67 00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:18,288 Nothing's going to harm me. 68 00:04:18,391 --> 00:04:19,518 - Nothing! - Take it easy. 69 00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:21,070 What are you helping a guy like this for? 70 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,939 Let's get out of here. Do you need 100 dollars that bad? 71 00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:25,489 No. Look, Lou, you don't realize... 72 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,966 Look, what is this, Doctor? What is this thing? 73 00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,663 That is the seat of my experiment. 74 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:33,798 Hold it there, Dr. Bluzak or Blozak. Whatever it is. 75 00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:35,808 Hold it right... You're not kidding me. 76 00:04:35,909 --> 00:04:37,053 This is the hot seat, Abbott. 77 00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:40,070 If I sit in there, my nose will light up. 78 00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:41,705 You will feel absolutely nothing. 79 00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:44,127 - That's what I'm afraid of. - It will be completely painless. 80 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:47,053 There will be nothing, you hear? Nothing. 81 00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:49,953 Abbott! I'm your friend! What are you helping me...? 82 00:04:50,056 --> 00:04:52,491 Listen. Cut it out. That's... Brother. 83 00:04:52,592 --> 00:04:56,085 Abbott, are you going to stand by and see this guy barbecue me? 84 00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:59,098 - You are doing this for science. - You're doing it for 100 dollars. 85 00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:00,409 Get me out of here now! Come on! 86 00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:03,426 This is the moment I've lived for, dreamed of. 87 00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:05,096 Go ahead. Enjoy yourself, Doctor. 88 00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:09,074 Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. 89 00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,735 Abbott... 90 00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:22,688 Turn me over. Turn me over! I'm done on one side. 91 00:05:22,789 --> 00:05:24,951 You know, Abbott, that Dr. Bluzak... He's nuts. 92 00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:27,584 Well, so what? He paid us 100 dollars, didn't he? 93 00:05:27,694 --> 00:05:29,287 That proves he's nuts. 94 00:05:29,396 --> 00:05:32,730 Him telling me nothing could happen to me for 24 hours. 95 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,426 That's to be seen. 96 00:05:37,604 --> 00:05:38,401 Wait a minute. 97 00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,133 Now, what are you stopping here for? 98 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,240 Intuition. 99 00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:44,133 You know, I... 100 00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:47,846 Intuition? 101 00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:51,350 Why don't you watch out, you lunkhead? 102 00:05:51,451 --> 00:05:53,977 What's the matter with you? You want to kill somebody? 103 00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:55,198 How do you like that guy up there, 104 00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:57,088 horsing around with flowerpots, at that? 105 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,920 Pots on the windowsill. 106 00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,169 - I'll... Let me... - Get a load of that. 107 00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,537 Just let me handle this, will you? 108 00:06:01,561 --> 00:06:02,688 Hey, you! 109 00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:03,796 Hey, you! 110 00:06:04,564 --> 00:06:05,031 Hey, you! 111 00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:07,623 Come on! Stick your head out the window again, will you? 112 00:06:07,734 --> 00:06:08,633 Where'd he go? 113 00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:10,533 Hey, you! Big boy! 114 00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:13,004 Stick your head out the window, will you? 115 00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:14,665 I... 116 00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:18,140 You should be very careful about those flower pots. 117 00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:19,440 I'm sorry, boys. 118 00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,515 I guess I kind of knocked it off the windowsill. 119 00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,379 You like to conk me on the head with it. 120 00:06:23,483 --> 00:06:26,180 - You could have killed me. - Okay. I said I'm sorry. 121 00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:28,464 Well, saying you're sorry that you killed me ain't going to... 122 00:06:28,488 --> 00:06:29,820 Wait a minute. Don't get so loud. 123 00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,403 I might have to punch you in the nose. 124 00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:33,791 Oh, get this guy. "Don't get so loud." 125 00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:36,125 Must be a rah-rah boy. 126 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,959 Now let me tell you something, son. 127 00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:40,431 I don't want you to get fresh with me. Do you understand? 128 00:06:40,533 --> 00:06:42,078 - You don't want me to, huh? - You heard me. 129 00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,502 Watch this. 130 00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:47,098 - What's the matter? - Well? 131 00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,938 I can't move my arm. It's paralyzed. 132 00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:52,271 What's the matter? 133 00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:54,143 It won't move. It's paralyzed. 134 00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:56,409 Why don't you stop? Get out of the way. 135 00:06:56,516 --> 00:06:58,508 What's the matter with you? Are you yellow? 136 00:06:58,618 --> 00:07:00,883 - Who's yellow? - You. 137 00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:06,017 Look! My arm. It's okay! 138 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,489 Why do these things happen to me? 139 00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:12,759 Come to think of it... 140 00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,835 A flower pot just misses me, 141 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:18,167 he goes to haul off and hit me, and his arm's paralyzed. 142 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:19,398 And I get it. 143 00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:22,442 Maybe this Dr. Bluzak... Maybe he's got something. 144 00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:24,670 24 hours. Nothing can happen to me. 145 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,406 I'm going to prove something to myself. 146 00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:30,348 What are you going to do? Be careful, Lou. Be careful! 147 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,450 Lou! 148 00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:32,551 Get out of the way! 149 00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:35,420 No. 150 00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:45,561 How about that? Dr. Bluzak. 151 00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:47,896 My friend! Let's go! 152 00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,630 Don't press your luck too far, boy. 153 00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:54,784 - Hey, wait a minute, Abbott. - What's the matter? 154 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:57,141 - Sound like shooting? - Say, it sure does. 155 00:07:57,243 --> 00:07:59,212 Over there. Come on. 156 00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:06,420 Get down, you idiots! You'll be killed. 157 00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:08,112 We'll be killed? I can't even get hurt. 158 00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:09,120 You better go to the telephone, 159 00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:10,933 call for reinforcements before he gets one of us. 160 00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:14,052 Wait a minute. I'll phone myself. 161 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,288 - Costello! - You'll get killed! 162 00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,365 Costello, come back here! 163 00:08:22,902 --> 00:08:25,235 Come back, you fool! You'll get killed! 164 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,705 Costello, you'll get killed! 165 00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:31,541 No more noise. 166 00:08:31,644 --> 00:08:34,113 I got to use the phone and call up the police. 167 00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:36,615 Okay, you asked for it. 168 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,516 Bang. 169 00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:43,957 Get in there. 170 00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:58,095 Let's get Mr. Fields his rent while we've got the money. 171 00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:03,970 Out of my way, you pig! 172 00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:05,636 You apologize. 173 00:09:05,745 --> 00:09:07,737 Yes, I apologize. 174 00:09:07,847 --> 00:09:09,611 To the first pig I meet. 175 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,344 Allez! 176 00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:14,283 How do you like that? Shock a guy! 177 00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:15,082 Allez! 178 00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:17,953 Stop. Pay no attention. He's a crazy character. 179 00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,654 - Fields is not home. - Called me a pig. 180 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:21,955 - Allez! - Never mind. 181 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:22,927 This is more important. 182 00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:23,689 We'll see him later. 183 00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:25,698 Come on. We'll go down to the apartment. 184 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:32,270 Well, it's been a tough morning. 185 00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:33,704 Go put the coffee pot on, huh? 186 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:36,003 No sooner done than said. 187 00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:38,874 - No. - Put the coffee pot on. 188 00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:03,728 Abbott... 189 00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:05,237 - What? - Give me a match. 190 00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:08,365 I haven't got a match. But I've got a great idea, Lou. 191 00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:09,552 You've always wanted to get even 192 00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:11,477 with that crazy character upstairs. 193 00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:12,858 He's always bragging about being 194 00:10:12,912 --> 00:10:14,813 the greatest fencing master in Europe. 195 00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:16,883 - He claims to be that? - He claims to be that. 196 00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:19,316 So you are going to challenge him to a duel. 197 00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:20,796 - This is your idea. - Well, certainly. 198 00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:22,331 I'm going to challenge this guy to a duel? 199 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:23,789 - Why not? - With swords? 200 00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:24,687 And so what? 201 00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,919 The guy is one of the greatest in Europe. 202 00:10:27,026 --> 00:10:28,270 He'll stick the things through me. 203 00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,005 They'll come out the other side. Are you kidding? 204 00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:32,260 - Hey, stop and think for a minute. - What is this here? 205 00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:33,094 You remind me of a wrestler 206 00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:35,065 I saw on television going like this. 207 00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,433 Wait a minute. Don't you remember? 208 00:10:37,537 --> 00:10:40,063 No harm can come to you. You can't get hurt. 209 00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,550 You're right. I forgot about that thing. 210 00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,543 Can you picture him trying to stab you? 211 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,921 Give me this thing. I'll bat him right over the head with it. 212 00:10:45,945 --> 00:10:49,109 No, you don't do it that way, Lou. 213 00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:51,013 I forgot to tell you... 214 00:10:51,117 --> 00:10:52,847 You know, quite a while back, 215 00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:54,887 I was quite a fencer myself at school. 216 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,388 - You were? - Yeah. 217 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,321 I can show you in 10 minutes 218 00:10:58,424 --> 00:11:00,825 how to make a fool out of that mug upstairs. 219 00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:02,304 - Are you kidding? - Do you want to listen? 220 00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,039 You mean fight him a duel with these things? 221 00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:05,691 And you're going to show me how to do it? 222 00:11:05,798 --> 00:11:07,232 He can't touch you. 223 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:09,962 I know that. I know that. He ain't going to touch me is right. 224 00:11:10,069 --> 00:11:10,934 That's all there is to it. 225 00:11:11,037 --> 00:11:12,957 I'll show you all the finer points that you need. 226 00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,565 I can do that, that quick. 227 00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,370 Now, here. En garde. 228 00:11:16,743 --> 00:11:17,904 En garde! 229 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,606 No, no, no, no. That's a prizefighter. 230 00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:22,079 Come on. En garde. 231 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,413 Come on, come on, come on! 232 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,179 Put your blade up. Put your blade up. 233 00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:28,187 Take it easy, now. Take it easy. 234 00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:31,156 Take it... Wait a minute. What are you doing? 235 00:11:31,257 --> 00:11:32,835 I'll beat you to death with one of these. 236 00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,470 Wait a minute! You're not supposed to do that. 237 00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:35,538 Now, just do as I tell you. 238 00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:37,762 - I'm not supposed to hit you? - Come on, now. En garde. 239 00:11:37,830 --> 00:11:38,593 That's a fancy pose. 240 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:41,759 Never mind. Never mind that. Come on. En garde. 241 00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,056 I'm trying to make a fencer out of you. 242 00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,403 I feel like that guy in picture... Errol Goldberg. 243 00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:50,375 - Look! - The swash... Buccaneer. 244 00:11:50,476 --> 00:11:51,705 Wait a minute. Look at me. 245 00:11:51,811 --> 00:11:54,042 You don't fight duels that way. 246 00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,378 Do as I tell you. En garde. 247 00:11:56,482 --> 00:11:58,917 - You kill me with that. - Well, put your sword up. 248 00:11:59,018 --> 00:12:00,042 Put your sword up! 249 00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:01,678 That's it. En garde. 250 00:12:01,788 --> 00:12:03,780 Well, guard yourself. 251 00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:05,119 Guard yourself. 252 00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,854 - My turn. - Don't! 253 00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:11,955 You tickle with... I don't want to tickle him. 254 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,660 - I want to fight him. - Well, fight! 255 00:12:15,768 --> 00:12:17,031 Here. Hand me your blade. 256 00:12:17,136 --> 00:12:20,334 - Better I bop him with this. - You don't do it that way. 257 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,136 You don't want to do it that way. 258 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,972 Come on. Stand up like a man. 259 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,602 That's the idea. 260 00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:27,412 That's it. 261 00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:30,874 What are you doing? Wait a minute. 262 00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:34,113 Don't you know anything about fencing at all? 263 00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:35,381 - En garde! - Good. 264 00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:37,150 En garde! 265 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,657 That's it. Now you're doing it. 266 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:39,835 Now you're doing it. Now... 267 00:12:39,859 --> 00:12:41,020 What are you doing? 268 00:12:41,127 --> 00:12:43,119 Don't knock things off the table. 269 00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:46,626 - Abbott. - What? 270 00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:48,292 I think with this end is no good. 271 00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:49,401 What do you mean not... 272 00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:52,064 I think... This end, I could do more trouble. 273 00:12:52,171 --> 00:12:53,730 How can you do any trouble? 274 00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:55,498 Was that better? 275 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:59,272 Wait a minute. You can't fight a duel that way! 276 00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:01,678 - I hurt you? - Certainly, you hurt me! 277 00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:05,411 Now, look, in a real duel, you don't use blades like this. 278 00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,248 They're real sharp blades. 279 00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:09,481 Not with buttons on the end, either. 280 00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:11,080 Real sharp blades. Now... 281 00:13:11,190 --> 00:13:13,523 - You can get hurt. - Get over there. En garde. 282 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:14,685 En garde! 283 00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,490 Come in. Come in. 284 00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:17,596 - En garde. - En garde. 285 00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,530 En garde. 286 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:22,431 What's going on here with this nonsense? 287 00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:25,417 What's the matter with you? 288 00:13:26,906 --> 00:13:27,906 You idiot! 289 00:13:28,007 --> 00:13:29,805 Here. What about my rent? 290 00:13:29,909 --> 00:13:31,620 - Oh, we've got the rent, all right. - Got the money right here. 291 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,374 How about a nice cup of coffee, Mr. Fields? 292 00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:36,608 Well, that's awfully nice of you. I don't mind if I do. 293 00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:38,994 - Costello's making a fresh pot. - Talking about the coffee... 294 00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:40,129 Do you happen to have a match on you? 295 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,213 Match? Why, yeah, sure. There you are. 296 00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:43,322 That's fine. 297 00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:49,626 Smells funny in here. 298 00:14:00,139 --> 00:14:02,506 You blithering idiot, Costello! 299 00:14:02,608 --> 00:14:04,201 You ought to be in a lunatic asylum. 300 00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:06,404 Look what you did to me! Ooh! 301 00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,037 Look what you did to me! 302 00:14:08,147 --> 00:14:11,049 And you said that nothing could happen to you. 303 00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:13,142 That's right. Nothing did happen to me. 304 00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:15,812 - You're right. - Dr. Bluzak was right. 305 00:14:15,922 --> 00:14:17,914 Nothing did happen to you. 306 00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:20,289 Dr. Bluzak. He is right. 307 00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:21,691 Clean up this kitchen. 308 00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:23,605 I'm going to get dressed and go down and see that doctor. 309 00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:25,655 Maybe he can do something for me. 310 00:14:33,906 --> 00:14:35,898 Dr. Bluzak? 311 00:14:36,008 --> 00:14:37,772 Dr. Bluzak? 312 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:38,877 Doctor... 313 00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:42,481 - Who you looking for? - Dr. Bluzak, the scientist. 314 00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:44,778 That nut? They took him away. 315 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:45,977 Away where? 316 00:14:46,085 --> 00:14:47,685 Back to the nuthouse, where he came from. 317 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:48,744 Crazy as a bedbug. 318 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,551 You mean he's not a scientist? 319 00:14:51,657 --> 00:14:53,922 Scientist? Like I told you, he's a nut. 320 00:14:54,026 --> 00:14:56,552 Last time he escaped, he thought he was an astronomer. 321 00:14:56,662 --> 00:14:58,392 Time before, he was an inventor. 322 00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:01,798 Had an idea to dehydrate water and sell it in packages. 323 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,228 Say, are you mixed up with him? 324 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:08,069 No. Not me. No! 325 00:15:08,174 --> 00:15:09,802 I... 326 00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:15,243 - Smoke a cigar? - Sure! 327 00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:16,577 Here. 328 00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,931 Costello, my boy. 329 00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:12,199 I take back everything bad I ever said about you. 330 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,830 - I'm proud of you. - You are? 331 00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:15,431 Why, certainly, I am. 332 00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:17,373 Haven't you seen the evening papers? 333 00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:18,536 I read in the headline 334 00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:22,342 where you captured that bank bandit single-handed. 335 00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:24,576 - You're a hero. - How do you like that? 336 00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:25,947 I am. 337 00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,754 This is very funny. 338 00:16:28,855 --> 00:16:30,585 You, a hero? 339 00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,124 This is for the laugh. 340 00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:33,989 Now, what's so funny about that? 341 00:16:34,093 --> 00:16:37,120 This thing, it must be a typographical mistake. 342 00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,357 You are funny. 343 00:16:38,464 --> 00:16:40,558 You are ridiculous, like a little mouse. 344 00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,567 Now, listen, you. I want you to go away from me. 345 00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,899 - I don't like you. - And I don't like you. 346 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,632 And I always will! 347 00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:48,935 You little rat pig! 348 00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:50,873 That's the last straw. "Pig." 349 00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:53,208 Don't call me pig. I'll let you have it. 350 00:16:53,312 --> 00:16:55,440 This is the big insult. 351 00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:57,574 This is a big insult? I'll give you a bigger one. 352 00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,845 - I'll haul off and... - Hey, hey, hey! Lou! 353 00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:01,511 - You keep out of this. - Wait. Lou... 354 00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:02,418 Don't you call me a pig. 355 00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,333 - You don't understand. - This is the impossible. 356 00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,349 This is the absolutely too much. 357 00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:08,519 I demand from you la satisfaction! 358 00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:10,187 - But Lou don't know... - Shut up! 359 00:17:10,296 --> 00:17:13,596 I'm going to give him la satisfaction! 360 00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,964 I'll haul off and hit you so hard. 361 00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:18,936 I'll poke you full of holes... You'll look like Swiss cheese. 362 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,507 I'll give you satisfaction! 363 00:17:21,607 --> 00:17:25,544 You'll poke full of holes the Professor Robert, 364 00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:28,877 the greatest swordsman in all Europe? 365 00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:32,349 You little miserable pig! 366 00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:36,086 He don't know what he's saying. 367 00:17:36,188 --> 00:17:38,214 Don't you understand? This boy doesn't... 368 00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:41,291 Wait a minute. He doesn't know anybody about fighting. 369 00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:42,521 He knows nothing of duels. 370 00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:46,258 When he's through with me, he'll find out all... 371 00:17:46,365 --> 00:17:48,197 All about dueling! 372 00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:49,511 Look, let's straighten this thing out. 373 00:17:49,535 --> 00:17:52,130 Mr. Costello apologizes. I apologize. 374 00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,139 Let's be friends and forget the whole matter. 375 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,240 Friends? 376 00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:58,710 I'll be his friend when he's a dead pig. 377 00:17:59,345 --> 00:18:01,007 My card, mon ami. 378 00:18:01,113 --> 00:18:04,106 My second will call upon you. 379 00:18:04,216 --> 00:18:05,514 Now... 380 00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:11,919 [Singing in French] 381 00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:22,311 Costello, you don't know what you've done. 382 00:18:22,335 --> 00:18:25,271 This is suicide. This man will cut you to pieces. 383 00:18:25,371 --> 00:18:27,049 Are you kidding, Abbott? Nothing can hurt me. 384 00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:27,904 What do you mean, nothing can hurt you? 385 00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:29,100 Nothing at all can hurt me! 386 00:18:29,208 --> 00:18:31,353 You know that doctor fixed me up so nothing can hurt me. 387 00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:32,654 That's what I'm trying to tell you. 388 00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:34,977 That doctor's a fake. He's a phony. He's off his rocker. 389 00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:36,558 They've got him in the lockup right now. 390 00:18:36,582 --> 00:18:37,345 Wait a minute, Abbott. 391 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,214 Do not speak about Dr. Bluzak that way. 392 00:18:39,318 --> 00:18:41,287 Especially when he's not here to offend himself. 393 00:18:41,387 --> 00:18:42,855 After all, he's a good man, 394 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,322 and I'm not going to let you use his name in vain. 395 00:18:45,424 --> 00:18:46,790 Take that. My card. 396 00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:48,827 Oh, stop this nonsense. 397 00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:50,205 I'm telling you he's a fake, Lou. 398 00:18:50,229 --> 00:18:52,892 - I don't think so. - I've seen it. I've heard it. 399 00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:54,695 You're just trying to kid me, Abbott. 400 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,099 - Will you listen to me, please, Lou? - I don't know. 401 00:18:57,203 --> 00:18:58,847 I don't think I'm going to listen to you or anybody else. 402 00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:00,949 I don't think after all, I think this man gave me the stuff, 403 00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,117 and I think everything is all right. 404 00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,119 And I know positively nothing's going to happen to me. 405 00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,167 I'm saying it's murder... 406 00:19:07,346 --> 00:19:08,211 It happened. 407 00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:09,907 Well, what have you got to say now? 408 00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:13,111 - I'm scared. I'm scared. - Now you're scared. 409 00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:15,717 There we are, Louie. 410 00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:17,983 Roast chicken. Boiled potatoes. 411 00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:20,355 Nice June peas. Pie a la mode. 412 00:19:20,459 --> 00:19:22,485 Everything your little heart desires. 413 00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:23,494 What are you doing? What are you doing? 414 00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:24,495 What are you doing like this for? 415 00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:27,431 Well, now, wouldn't you be kind to a friend 416 00:19:27,533 --> 00:19:29,297 on the eve of his departure? 417 00:19:29,402 --> 00:19:31,113 What do you mean, departure? I ain't going no place. 418 00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:34,107 Well, we don't know. It's just one of those things. 419 00:19:34,206 --> 00:19:35,326 How do you like the chicken? 420 00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:36,768 Is that cooked well enough for you? 421 00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:37,707 I don't want nothing to eat. 422 00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:40,302 Lou, you can have anything you want tonight. 423 00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:42,541 Anything at all. Anything your heart desires. 424 00:19:42,648 --> 00:19:44,640 - Anything at all? - Anything at all. 425 00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,116 Can you bring me some strawberries? 426 00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:48,881 - Well, they're out of season, Lou. - I'll wait. 427 00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,127 If there's anything else that you want, Lou, 428 00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:56,127 anything you want me to do for you... 429 00:19:56,228 --> 00:19:58,356 Don't you think you want to write 430 00:19:58,464 --> 00:20:01,457 some kind of a note or letters to anyone? 431 00:20:01,567 --> 00:20:03,559 What do you mean, write notes and letters? 432 00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:05,399 Well, I thought maybe you'd... 433 00:20:05,504 --> 00:20:08,133 And by the way, I don't like to mention this, 434 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,539 but that portable typewriter of yours... 435 00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:11,906 I've always had my eye on that. 436 00:20:12,011 --> 00:20:14,640 I know you wouldn't want it to go to waste, would you? 437 00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:15,612 Wait a minute, Abbott! 438 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,513 You're talking like I'm dead already. 439 00:20:17,616 --> 00:20:20,518 Why wait till the last minute, Lou? 440 00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:23,289 Wait a minute. 441 00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:26,452 Oh, hello, Mr. Fields. 442 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,619 Now, boys, you know that Professor Robert 443 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:29,286 has no friends here. 444 00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:30,954 So he's asked me to be his second. 445 00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:34,192 Now, we have decided to fight this duel with you 446 00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,428 tomorrow morning around dawn in the park. 447 00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:40,529 Now, since we challenged you, you have your choice of weapons. 448 00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:42,369 What do you want to fight with? 449 00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:43,704 Cream puffs. 450 00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:46,210 Deadly weapons. You have your choice. 451 00:20:46,312 --> 00:20:49,009 You can have either rapiers or sabers. 452 00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:49,707 What's the difference? 453 00:20:49,815 --> 00:20:53,047 They're both swords, but one is long and one is short. 454 00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:54,814 I suggest you take the short one. 455 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,788 - Why? - You can get closer to him! 456 00:20:57,890 --> 00:20:59,688 What a beautiful fight this will be. Now... 457 00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:02,387 Oh, by the way, Lou, that raincoat of yours... 458 00:21:02,495 --> 00:21:03,815 You know, I've had my eye on that. 459 00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:05,991 I could take it in a little around the waist. 460 00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:09,091 Yeah, Abbott's going to get my typewriter when I'm gone. 461 00:21:09,201 --> 00:21:10,362 Get out of here! 462 00:21:10,469 --> 00:21:13,769 The way you guys are talking, you'd think I was gone already. 463 00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:15,739 Take it easy. Take it easy. 464 00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:18,470 - You want to be my friend? - Certainly, I'm your friend. 465 00:21:18,577 --> 00:21:20,188 Help me pack. I'm going to get out of here. 466 00:21:20,212 --> 00:21:22,875 All right. Pack it up. Take it easy. 467 00:21:22,982 --> 00:21:25,542 You know, you're the one who got yourself into this mess, not me. 468 00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,143 I didn't get myself into this mess. 469 00:21:27,253 --> 00:21:29,688 It was you. Greedy. Being selfish, Abbott. 470 00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:30,989 You wanted to get 100 dollars, 471 00:21:31,090 --> 00:21:33,958 so you put as a guinea pig with that Dr. Bluzak. 472 00:21:34,059 --> 00:21:35,618 Let me think a minute! 473 00:21:35,728 --> 00:21:38,357 Some ideas you get. What's the matter? You stuck? 474 00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:39,674 First time I've ever been stuck. 475 00:21:39,698 --> 00:21:40,909 It's the first time you've ever been stuck? 476 00:21:40,933 --> 00:21:41,423 Yeah. 477 00:21:41,534 --> 00:21:42,544 If you don't get an idea here, 478 00:21:42,568 --> 00:21:44,408 I'll be the only one that's going to get stuck. 479 00:21:49,375 --> 00:21:51,606 - Hello, Harry. - Hello, Bud. Hello, Lou. 480 00:21:51,710 --> 00:21:53,255 The lieutenant was afraid some of the pals 481 00:21:53,279 --> 00:21:55,423 of that bank robber you caught might come and try and get you. 482 00:21:55,447 --> 00:21:57,487 - Is everything all right? - Everything's just fine. 483 00:21:57,583 --> 00:21:59,415 We were just going out for a little stroll. 484 00:21:59,518 --> 00:22:01,544 Sorry, boys. You can't leave here. 485 00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:04,522 It's too dangerous. You might get killed. 486 00:22:04,623 --> 00:22:05,818 - I might get killed? - Yeah. 487 00:22:05,925 --> 00:22:08,019 I might get killed. Said him. I might get killed. 488 00:22:08,127 --> 00:22:09,571 What do you think is going to happen to me here? 489 00:22:09,595 --> 00:22:10,972 You haven't got a thing to worry about. 490 00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:12,828 I'll be camped right outside of that door. 491 00:22:12,932 --> 00:22:15,299 Now, you boys go to bed and relax. 492 00:22:16,135 --> 00:22:17,135 Relax? 493 00:22:17,203 --> 00:22:19,104 "Go to bed," he says, "and relax." 494 00:22:19,205 --> 00:22:21,606 Abbott, I'm trapped like a rat! 495 00:22:21,707 --> 00:22:22,707 Wait a minute. 496 00:22:22,741 --> 00:22:24,710 No, you're not. I have an idea. 497 00:22:24,810 --> 00:22:26,039 Come here. 498 00:22:39,959 --> 00:22:41,120 Hello? 499 00:22:42,661 --> 00:22:45,756 Mais oui. This is Professor Robert. 500 00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:47,731 The Professor Robert. 501 00:22:47,833 --> 00:22:51,361 Oh, Professor Robert, this is Bud Abbott. 502 00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:54,304 My partner, Mr. Costello, wants me to tell you 503 00:22:54,406 --> 00:22:56,932 he thinks you're the biggest dope in the world. 504 00:22:57,042 --> 00:22:57,941 Abbott, what are you doing? 505 00:22:58,043 --> 00:23:00,911 Don't open up the wound any more than it is. 506 00:23:01,013 --> 00:23:03,209 He also wants me to tell you 507 00:23:03,315 --> 00:23:04,806 that he don't think that you know 508 00:23:04,917 --> 00:23:07,045 one end of a sword from another. 509 00:23:07,152 --> 00:23:09,417 Abbott, the greatest swordsman in the world. 510 00:23:09,521 --> 00:23:11,387 That pig said that? 511 00:23:11,490 --> 00:23:15,154 The miserable, intruding little pig. 512 00:23:15,261 --> 00:23:18,993 He says that if you come right down here now, 513 00:23:19,098 --> 00:23:21,658 he will wipe up the floor with you! 514 00:23:21,767 --> 00:23:23,287 Abbott, do you know what you're saying? 515 00:23:23,335 --> 00:23:24,415 The guy's going to kill me. 516 00:23:24,503 --> 00:23:25,547 Now you're going to have him come here 517 00:23:25,571 --> 00:23:26,715 and clean up the joint with me. 518 00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:29,607 Please, Abbott, I beg of you. Don't do this to me, will you? 519 00:23:29,708 --> 00:23:31,870 This is my idea. Leave everything to me. 520 00:23:31,977 --> 00:23:33,673 You've got nothing to worry about. 521 00:23:33,779 --> 00:23:35,499 - Got nothing to worry about. - Don't worry. 522 00:23:36,115 --> 00:23:38,380 [Mumbling in French] 523 00:23:38,484 --> 00:23:40,028 Officer, will you come in a minute, please? 524 00:23:40,052 --> 00:23:41,486 Sure. 525 00:23:43,355 --> 00:23:44,914 I just got a telephone call. 526 00:23:45,024 --> 00:23:47,255 It must have been from the friend of that bank robber. 527 00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:49,089 - He said he was coming here. - Coming here? 528 00:23:49,194 --> 00:23:51,356 Yes, he said he was going to kill Costello. 529 00:23:51,463 --> 00:23:53,830 Listen, Harry, if the guy happens to come in here 530 00:23:53,933 --> 00:23:55,577 and he's going to get me, will you get him? 531 00:23:55,601 --> 00:23:57,178 And will you lock him up and put him in jail? 532 00:23:57,202 --> 00:23:59,433 I'll say I will. I hope he does show up. 533 00:24:00,706 --> 00:24:02,470 - That might be him. - You let him in. 534 00:24:02,574 --> 00:24:04,167 - Go ahead. - That's good. 535 00:24:09,148 --> 00:24:11,913 Professor Robert! 536 00:24:12,017 --> 00:24:15,510 My dear friend Harry! 537 00:24:15,621 --> 00:24:17,299 I haven't seen you since you taught me how to fence 538 00:24:17,323 --> 00:24:18,188 up at the police academy. 539 00:24:18,290 --> 00:24:19,485 That's right! 540 00:24:20,626 --> 00:24:23,425 - Good seeing you. - Un grand plaisir. 541 00:24:23,529 --> 00:24:26,397 Un grand plaisir. A pleasure. 542 00:24:35,307 --> 00:24:38,368 It's after 9:00. He isn't coming. 543 00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:42,642 Oh, he will come. Or I shall go after him. 544 00:24:42,748 --> 00:24:45,547 He is not getting off easily. 545 00:24:45,651 --> 00:24:47,085 Here they come now. 546 00:24:49,788 --> 00:24:51,279 Thought we wouldn't show up? 547 00:24:51,390 --> 00:24:53,757 Well, come on. Let's get with it. 548 00:24:53,859 --> 00:24:56,454 This is the insult of insults. 549 00:24:59,465 --> 00:25:02,765 - Wants to get fresh? - Well, let him have it. 550 00:25:06,372 --> 00:25:08,932 How dare you? I'm his second! 551 00:25:11,844 --> 00:25:13,710 The winner! 552 00:25:14,913 --> 00:25:16,313 My boy! 41206

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