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1
00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:06,838
Hey, Abbott!
2
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:42,608
- What happened?
- I lost my job.
3
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,577
Well, we've got to
get you another job.
4
00:00:45,679 --> 00:00:46,874
Tell you what you do.
5
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,092
Go back in there and tell the
man to give you another chance.
6
00:00:49,116 --> 00:00:51,347
- Go ahead.
- Give me another chance?
7
00:00:51,451 --> 00:00:53,215
Tell him to give
you another chance.
8
00:01:11,638 --> 00:01:13,038
Didn't work, did it?
9
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:15,007
No.
10
00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:17,475
Look, why were you
fired in the first place?
11
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,706
I spilled some coffee.
12
00:01:19,813 --> 00:01:20,610
I spilled some coffee.
13
00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:23,741
You mean a man can fire you
for just spilling a cup of coffee?
14
00:01:23,850 --> 00:01:25,751
I happened to spill
it on that crazy guy
15
00:01:25,852 --> 00:01:27,548
that lives in the same
apartment with us.
16
00:01:27,654 --> 00:01:29,555
That Professor Robert.
17
00:01:30,524 --> 00:01:32,390
All I did... Here he comes.
18
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,294
You pig!
19
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:39,397
Allez!
20
00:01:39,499 --> 00:01:41,695
In the alley to you.
21
00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:44,702
Let's get in the car
and get out of here.
22
00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,922
How do you do, Sir?
We're looking for Dr. Bluzak.
23
00:02:04,024 --> 00:02:05,925
I am Dr. Bluzak.
24
00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:09,155
You are here in response to my
advertisement in the newspaper?
25
00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:10,355
Yes, you advertised
26
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:13,127
for a man to help you with
one of your experiments?
27
00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:14,826
- To be sure.
- Swell.
28
00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:17,404
Won't you come in, please?
29
00:02:19,673 --> 00:02:20,783
Excuse me. I'll see you later.
30
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:23,242
Just a minute. Just a minute.
31
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:25,244
You are applying
for the position?
32
00:02:25,345 --> 00:02:26,938
Not me. Him.
33
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:33,582
Won't you step
into my laboratory?
34
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:35,986
Said the spider to the fly.
35
00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:47,859
What's the guy doing?
36
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:50,130
We can be quite alone in here.
37
00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:53,639
Doctor, by the way, what is
the nature of your experiment?
38
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:58,337
It is a known scientific fact
that 93% of all the accidents
39
00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:01,005
happen to 3% of the human race.
40
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:04,380
This 3% we call accident-prone.
41
00:03:04,484 --> 00:03:06,316
Oh, yes. I see. I see.
42
00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:08,013
- You see what he means?
- Oh, yes.
43
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:09,817
You guys stick
around. I'll see you later.
44
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:13,485
This proneness to accidents,
according to my theory,
45
00:03:13,593 --> 00:03:15,528
is born in the unconscious mind.
46
00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:18,997
Shall we say a subconscious
fear of accidents?
47
00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:19,862
Yes, surely.
48
00:03:19,966 --> 00:03:23,027
In other words, if you expect
an accident, you'll get one.
49
00:03:23,136 --> 00:03:25,435
That's partially correct, yes.
50
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:28,031
But aside from
the psychological,
51
00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:31,908
there are other factors which
the layman would not comprehend.
52
00:03:32,012 --> 00:03:36,507
I must prove this part of my
theory by experimentation.
53
00:03:36,616 --> 00:03:38,482
You're not going to
use me for a guinea pig.
54
00:03:38,585 --> 00:03:40,029
I don't care what kind of
arrangements he made,
55
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,364
you're not going to
use me for a guinea pig.
56
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:44,187
By the way, Doctor, how
much do we get for this?
57
00:03:44,291 --> 00:03:48,661
- 100 dollars and expenses.
- 100 dollars and expenses.
58
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:50,390
The expenses...
That's funeral expenses.
59
00:03:50,497 --> 00:03:52,125
I'm getting out of here!
60
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:55,566
- Listen, Dr. Balzac...
- There's no cause for alarm.
61
00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,365
- Now, listen.
- No cause for alarm.
62
00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:59,099
When you leave this house,
63
00:03:59,206 --> 00:04:03,701
no harm can befall you
for a period of 24 hours.
64
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:08,578
Accident, illness,
injury will be repelled!
65
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:13,711
Absolutely nothing can harm
you. Nothing can touch you.
66
00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:16,346
You can say that again!
67
00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:18,288
Nothing's going to harm me.
68
00:04:18,391 --> 00:04:19,518
- Nothing!
- Take it easy.
69
00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:21,070
What are you helping
a guy like this for?
70
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,939
Let's get out of here. Do
you need 100 dollars that bad?
71
00:04:22,963 --> 00:04:25,489
No. Look, Lou,
you don't realize...
72
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,966
Look, what is this,
Doctor? What is this thing?
73
00:04:28,068 --> 00:04:30,663
That is the seat
of my experiment.
74
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:33,798
Hold it there, Dr. Bluzak
or Blozak. Whatever it is.
75
00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:35,808
Hold it right... You're
not kidding me.
76
00:04:35,909 --> 00:04:37,053
This is the hot seat, Abbott.
77
00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:40,070
If I sit in there, my
nose will light up.
78
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:41,705
You will feel
absolutely nothing.
79
00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:44,127
- That's what I'm afraid of.
- It will be completely painless.
80
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:47,053
There will be nothing,
you hear? Nothing.
81
00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:49,953
Abbott! I'm your friend!
What are you helping me...?
82
00:04:50,056 --> 00:04:52,491
Listen. Cut it out.
That's... Brother.
83
00:04:52,592 --> 00:04:56,085
Abbott, are you going to stand
by and see this guy barbecue me?
84
00:04:56,196 --> 00:04:59,098
- You are doing this for science.
- You're doing it for 100 dollars.
85
00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:00,409
Get me out of here now! Come on!
86
00:05:00,433 --> 00:05:03,426
This is the moment
I've lived for, dreamed of.
87
00:05:03,537 --> 00:05:05,096
Go ahead. Enjoy
yourself, Doctor.
88
00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:09,074
Ten, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four, three, two, one.
89
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,735
Abbott...
90
00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:22,688
Turn me over. Turn me
over! I'm done on one side.
91
00:05:22,789 --> 00:05:24,951
You know, Abbott, that
Dr. Bluzak... He's nuts.
92
00:05:25,058 --> 00:05:27,584
Well, so what? He paid
us 100 dollars, didn't he?
93
00:05:27,694 --> 00:05:29,287
That proves he's nuts.
94
00:05:29,396 --> 00:05:32,730
Him telling me nothing could
happen to me for 24 hours.
95
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,426
That's to be seen.
96
00:05:37,604 --> 00:05:38,401
Wait a minute.
97
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,133
Now, what are you
stopping here for?
98
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,240
Intuition.
99
00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:44,133
You know, I...
100
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:47,846
Intuition?
101
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:51,350
Why don't you watch
out, you lunkhead?
102
00:05:51,451 --> 00:05:53,977
What's the matter with you?
You want to kill somebody?
103
00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:55,198
How do you like
that guy up there,
104
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:57,088
horsing around with
flowerpots, at that?
105
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:58,920
Pots on the windowsill.
106
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:00,169
- I'll... Let me...
- Get a load of that.
107
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:01,537
Just let me handle
this, will you?
108
00:06:01,561 --> 00:06:02,688
Hey, you!
109
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:03,796
Hey, you!
110
00:06:04,564 --> 00:06:05,031
Hey, you!
111
00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:07,623
Come on! Stick your head
out the window again, will you?
112
00:06:07,734 --> 00:06:08,633
Where'd he go?
113
00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:10,533
Hey, you! Big boy!
114
00:06:10,637 --> 00:06:13,004
Stick your head out
the window, will you?
115
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:14,665
I...
116
00:06:15,909 --> 00:06:18,140
You should be very careful
about those flower pots.
117
00:06:18,245 --> 00:06:19,440
I'm sorry, boys.
118
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,515
I guess I kind of knocked
it off the windowsill.
119
00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,379
You like to conk me
on the head with it.
120
00:06:23,483 --> 00:06:26,180
- You could have killed me.
- Okay. I said I'm sorry.
121
00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:28,464
Well, saying you're sorry that
you killed me ain't going to...
122
00:06:28,488 --> 00:06:29,820
Wait a minute.
Don't get so loud.
123
00:06:29,923 --> 00:06:31,403
I might have to
punch you in the nose.
124
00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:33,791
Oh, get this guy.
"Don't get so loud."
125
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:36,125
Must be a rah-rah boy.
126
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:37,959
Now let me tell
you something, son.
127
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:40,431
I don't want you to get fresh
with me. Do you understand?
128
00:06:40,533 --> 00:06:42,078
- You don't want me to, huh?
- You heard me.
129
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:43,502
Watch this.
130
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:47,098
- What's the matter?
- Well?
131
00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:49,938
I can't move my
arm. It's paralyzed.
132
00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:52,271
What's the matter?
133
00:06:52,379 --> 00:06:54,143
It won't move. It's paralyzed.
134
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:56,409
Why don't you stop?
Get out of the way.
135
00:06:56,516 --> 00:06:58,508
What's the matter with
you? Are you yellow?
136
00:06:58,618 --> 00:07:00,883
- Who's yellow?
- You.
137
00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:06,017
Look! My arm. It's okay!
138
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,489
Why do these
things happen to me?
139
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:12,759
Come to think of it...
140
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,835
A flower pot just misses me,
141
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:18,167
he goes to haul off and hit
me, and his arm's paralyzed.
142
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:19,398
And I get it.
143
00:07:19,506 --> 00:07:22,442
Maybe this Dr. Bluzak...
Maybe he's got something.
144
00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:24,670
24 hours. Nothing
can happen to me.
145
00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:26,406
I'm going to prove
something to myself.
146
00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:30,348
What are you going to do?
Be careful, Lou. Be careful!
147
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,450
Lou!
148
00:07:31,551 --> 00:07:32,551
Get out of the way!
149
00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:35,420
No.
150
00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:45,561
How about that? Dr. Bluzak.
151
00:07:45,665 --> 00:07:47,896
My friend! Let's go!
152
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,630
Don't press your
luck too far, boy.
153
00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:54,784
- Hey, wait a minute, Abbott.
- What's the matter?
154
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:57,141
- Sound like shooting?
- Say, it sure does.
155
00:07:57,243 --> 00:07:59,212
Over there. Come on.
156
00:08:04,451 --> 00:08:06,420
Get down, you
idiots! You'll be killed.
157
00:08:06,519 --> 00:08:08,112
We'll be killed? I
can't even get hurt.
158
00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:09,120
You better go to the telephone,
159
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:10,933
call for reinforcements
before he gets one of us.
160
00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:14,052
Wait a minute.
I'll phone myself.
161
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,288
- Costello!
- You'll get killed!
162
00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,365
Costello, come back here!
163
00:08:22,902 --> 00:08:25,235
Come back, you
fool! You'll get killed!
164
00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:27,705
Costello, you'll get killed!
165
00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:31,541
No more noise.
166
00:08:31,644 --> 00:08:34,113
I got to use the phone
and call up the police.
167
00:08:34,214 --> 00:08:36,615
Okay, you asked for it.
168
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,516
Bang.
169
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:43,957
Get in there.
170
00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:58,095
Let's get Mr. Fields his rent
while we've got the money.
171
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:03,970
Out of my way, you pig!
172
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:05,636
You apologize.
173
00:09:05,745 --> 00:09:07,737
Yes, I apologize.
174
00:09:07,847 --> 00:09:09,611
To the first pig I meet.
175
00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,344
Allez!
176
00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:14,283
How do you like
that? Shock a guy!
177
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:15,082
Allez!
178
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:17,953
Stop. Pay no attention.
He's a crazy character.
179
00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,654
- Fields is not home.
- Called me a pig.
180
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:21,955
- Allez!
- Never mind.
181
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:22,927
This is more important.
182
00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:23,689
We'll see him later.
183
00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:25,698
Come on. We'll go
down to the apartment.
184
00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:32,270
Well, it's been a tough morning.
185
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:33,704
Go put the coffee pot on, huh?
186
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:36,003
No sooner done than said.
187
00:09:36,109 --> 00:09:38,874
- No.
- Put the coffee pot on.
188
00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:03,728
Abbott...
189
00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:05,237
- What?
- Give me a match.
190
00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:08,365
I haven't got a match. But
I've got a great idea, Lou.
191
00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:09,552
You've always wanted to get even
192
00:10:09,576 --> 00:10:11,477
with that crazy
character upstairs.
193
00:10:11,578 --> 00:10:12,858
He's always bragging about being
194
00:10:12,912 --> 00:10:14,813
the greatest fencing
master in Europe.
195
00:10:14,914 --> 00:10:16,883
- He claims to be that?
- He claims to be that.
196
00:10:16,983 --> 00:10:19,316
So you are going to
challenge him to a duel.
197
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:20,796
- This is your idea.
- Well, certainly.
198
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:22,331
I'm going to challenge
this guy to a duel?
199
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:23,789
- Why not?
- With swords?
200
00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:24,687
And so what?
201
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,919
The guy is one of
the greatest in Europe.
202
00:10:27,026 --> 00:10:28,270
He'll stick the
things through me.
203
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,005
They'll come out the
other side. Are you kidding?
204
00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:32,260
- Hey, stop and think for a minute.
- What is this here?
205
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:33,094
You remind me of a wrestler
206
00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:35,065
I saw on television
going like this.
207
00:10:35,168 --> 00:10:37,433
Wait a minute.
Don't you remember?
208
00:10:37,537 --> 00:10:40,063
No harm can come to
you. You can't get hurt.
209
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,550
You're right. I forgot
about that thing.
210
00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,543
Can you picture him
trying to stab you?
211
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,921
Give me this thing. I'll bat
him right over the head with it.
212
00:10:45,945 --> 00:10:49,109
No, you don't do
it that way, Lou.
213
00:10:49,215 --> 00:10:51,013
I forgot to tell you...
214
00:10:51,117 --> 00:10:52,847
You know, quite a while back,
215
00:10:52,952 --> 00:10:54,887
I was quite a fencer
myself at school.
216
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,388
- You were?
- Yeah.
217
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,321
I can show you in 10 minutes
218
00:10:58,424 --> 00:11:00,825
how to make a fool
out of that mug upstairs.
219
00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:02,304
- Are you kidding?
- Do you want to listen?
220
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,039
You mean fight him a
duel with these things?
221
00:11:04,063 --> 00:11:05,691
And you're going to
show me how to do it?
222
00:11:05,798 --> 00:11:07,232
He can't touch you.
223
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:09,962
I know that. I know that. He
ain't going to touch me is right.
224
00:11:10,069 --> 00:11:10,934
That's all there is to it.
225
00:11:11,037 --> 00:11:12,957
I'll show you all the
finer points that you need.
226
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:14,565
I can do that, that quick.
227
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,370
Now, here. En garde.
228
00:11:16,743 --> 00:11:17,904
En garde!
229
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,606
No, no, no, no.
That's a prizefighter.
230
00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:22,079
Come on. En garde.
231
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,413
Come on, come on, come on!
232
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,179
Put your blade up.
Put your blade up.
233
00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:28,187
Take it easy, now. Take it easy.
234
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:31,156
Take it... Wait a minute.
What are you doing?
235
00:11:31,257 --> 00:11:32,835
I'll beat you to death
with one of these.
236
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,470
Wait a minute! You're
not supposed to do that.
237
00:11:34,494 --> 00:11:35,538
Now, just do as I tell you.
238
00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:37,762
- I'm not supposed to hit you?
- Come on, now. En garde.
239
00:11:37,830 --> 00:11:38,593
That's a fancy pose.
240
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:41,759
Never mind. Never mind
that. Come on. En garde.
241
00:11:43,536 --> 00:11:45,056
I'm trying to make
a fencer out of you.
242
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,403
I feel like that guy in
picture... Errol Goldberg.
243
00:11:47,507 --> 00:11:50,375
- Look!
- The swash... Buccaneer.
244
00:11:50,476 --> 00:11:51,705
Wait a minute. Look at me.
245
00:11:51,811 --> 00:11:54,042
You don't fight duels that way.
246
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:56,378
Do as I tell you. En garde.
247
00:11:56,482 --> 00:11:58,917
- You kill me with that.
- Well, put your sword up.
248
00:11:59,018 --> 00:12:00,042
Put your sword up!
249
00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:01,678
That's it. En garde.
250
00:12:01,788 --> 00:12:03,780
Well, guard yourself.
251
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:05,119
Guard yourself.
252
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:09,854
- My turn.
- Don't!
253
00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:11,955
You tickle with... I
don't want to tickle him.
254
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,660
- I want to fight him.
- Well, fight!
255
00:12:15,768 --> 00:12:17,031
Here. Hand me your blade.
256
00:12:17,136 --> 00:12:20,334
- Better I bop him with this.
- You don't do it that way.
257
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,136
You don't want
to do it that way.
258
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,972
Come on. Stand up like a man.
259
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,602
That's the idea.
260
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:27,412
That's it.
261
00:12:28,848 --> 00:12:30,874
What are you
doing? Wait a minute.
262
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:34,113
Don't you know anything
about fencing at all?
263
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:35,381
- En garde!
- Good.
264
00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:37,150
En garde!
265
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,657
That's it. Now you're doing it.
266
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:39,835
Now you're doing it. Now...
267
00:12:39,859 --> 00:12:41,020
What are you doing?
268
00:12:41,127 --> 00:12:43,119
Don't knock
things off the table.
269
00:12:44,964 --> 00:12:46,626
- Abbott.
- What?
270
00:12:46,733 --> 00:12:48,292
I think with this
end is no good.
271
00:12:48,401 --> 00:12:49,401
What do you mean not...
272
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:52,064
I think... This end, I
could do more trouble.
273
00:12:52,171 --> 00:12:53,730
How can you do any trouble?
274
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:55,498
Was that better?
275
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:59,272
Wait a minute. You
can't fight a duel that way!
276
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:01,678
- I hurt you?
- Certainly, you hurt me!
277
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:05,411
Now, look, in a real duel,
you don't use blades like this.
278
00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,248
They're real sharp blades.
279
00:13:07,353 --> 00:13:09,481
Not with buttons
on the end, either.
280
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:11,080
Real sharp blades. Now...
281
00:13:11,190 --> 00:13:13,523
- You can get hurt.
- Get over there. En garde.
282
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:14,685
En garde!
283
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,490
Come in. Come in.
284
00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:17,596
- En garde.
- En garde.
285
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:19,530
En garde.
286
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:22,431
What's going on here
with this nonsense?
287
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:25,417
What's the matter with you?
288
00:13:26,906 --> 00:13:27,906
You idiot!
289
00:13:28,007 --> 00:13:29,805
Here. What about my rent?
290
00:13:29,909 --> 00:13:31,620
- Oh, we've got the rent, all right.
- Got the money right here.
291
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,374
How about a nice cup
of coffee, Mr. Fields?
292
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:36,608
Well, that's awfully nice
of you. I don't mind if I do.
293
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:38,994
- Costello's making a fresh pot.
- Talking about the coffee...
294
00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:40,129
Do you happen to
have a match on you?
295
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,213
Match? Why, yeah,
sure. There you are.
296
00:13:42,322 --> 00:13:43,322
That's fine.
297
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:49,626
Smells funny in here.
298
00:14:00,139 --> 00:14:02,506
You blithering idiot, Costello!
299
00:14:02,608 --> 00:14:04,201
You ought to be
in a lunatic asylum.
300
00:14:04,310 --> 00:14:06,404
Look what you did to me! Ooh!
301
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,037
Look what you did to me!
302
00:14:08,147 --> 00:14:11,049
And you said that nothing
could happen to you.
303
00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:13,142
That's right. Nothing
did happen to me.
304
00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:15,812
- You're right.
- Dr. Bluzak was right.
305
00:14:15,922 --> 00:14:17,914
Nothing did happen to you.
306
00:14:18,024 --> 00:14:20,289
Dr. Bluzak. He is right.
307
00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:21,691
Clean up this kitchen.
308
00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:23,605
I'm going to get dressed and
go down and see that doctor.
309
00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:25,655
Maybe he can do
something for me.
310
00:14:33,906 --> 00:14:35,898
Dr. Bluzak?
311
00:14:36,008 --> 00:14:37,772
Dr. Bluzak?
312
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:38,877
Doctor...
313
00:14:39,579 --> 00:14:42,481
- Who you looking for?
- Dr. Bluzak, the scientist.
314
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:44,778
That nut? They took him away.
315
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:45,977
Away where?
316
00:14:46,085 --> 00:14:47,685
Back to the nuthouse,
where he came from.
317
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:48,744
Crazy as a bedbug.
318
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,551
You mean he's not a scientist?
319
00:14:51,657 --> 00:14:53,922
Scientist? Like I
told you, he's a nut.
320
00:14:54,026 --> 00:14:56,552
Last time he escaped, he
thought he was an astronomer.
321
00:14:56,662 --> 00:14:58,392
Time before, he was an inventor.
322
00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:01,798
Had an idea to dehydrate
water and sell it in packages.
323
00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:05,228
Say, are you mixed up with him?
324
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:08,069
No. Not me. No!
325
00:15:08,174 --> 00:15:09,802
I...
326
00:15:12,011 --> 00:15:15,243
- Smoke a cigar?
- Sure!
327
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:16,577
Here.
328
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,931
Costello, my boy.
329
00:16:09,035 --> 00:16:12,199
I take back everything
bad I ever said about you.
330
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,830
- I'm proud of you.
- You are?
331
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:15,431
Why, certainly, I am.
332
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:17,373
Haven't you seen
the evening papers?
333
00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:18,536
I read in the headline
334
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:22,342
where you captured that
bank bandit single-handed.
335
00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:24,576
- You're a hero.
- How do you like that?
336
00:16:24,684 --> 00:16:25,947
I am.
337
00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,754
This is very funny.
338
00:16:28,855 --> 00:16:30,585
You, a hero?
339
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,124
This is for the laugh.
340
00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:33,989
Now, what's so funny about that?
341
00:16:34,093 --> 00:16:37,120
This thing, it must be a
typographical mistake.
342
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,357
You are funny.
343
00:16:38,464 --> 00:16:40,558
You are ridiculous,
like a little mouse.
344
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,567
Now, listen, you. I want
you to go away from me.
345
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,899
- I don't like you.
- And I don't like you.
346
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,632
And I always will!
347
00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:48,935
You little rat pig!
348
00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:50,873
That's the last straw. "Pig."
349
00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:53,208
Don't call me pig.
I'll let you have it.
350
00:16:53,312 --> 00:16:55,440
This is the big insult.
351
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:57,574
This is a big insult? I'll
give you a bigger one.
352
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,845
- I'll haul off and...
- Hey, hey, hey! Lou!
353
00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:01,511
- You keep out of this.
- Wait. Lou...
354
00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:02,418
Don't you call me a pig.
355
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:04,333
- You don't understand.
- This is the impossible.
356
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:06,349
This is the absolutely too much.
357
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:08,519
I demand from
you la satisfaction!
358
00:17:08,628 --> 00:17:10,187
- But Lou don't know...
- Shut up!
359
00:17:10,296 --> 00:17:13,596
I'm going to give
him la satisfaction!
360
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,964
I'll haul off and
hit you so hard.
361
00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:18,936
I'll poke you full of holes...
You'll look like Swiss cheese.
362
00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,507
I'll give you satisfaction!
363
00:17:21,607 --> 00:17:25,544
You'll poke full of holes
the Professor Robert,
364
00:17:25,645 --> 00:17:28,877
the greatest
swordsman in all Europe?
365
00:17:28,981 --> 00:17:32,349
You little miserable pig!
366
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:36,086
He don't know what he's saying.
367
00:17:36,188 --> 00:17:38,214
Don't you understand?
This boy doesn't...
368
00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:41,291
Wait a minute. He doesn't
know anybody about fighting.
369
00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:42,521
He knows nothing of duels.
370
00:17:42,628 --> 00:17:46,258
When he's through with
me, he'll find out all...
371
00:17:46,365 --> 00:17:48,197
All about dueling!
372
00:17:48,301 --> 00:17:49,511
Look, let's straighten
this thing out.
373
00:17:49,535 --> 00:17:52,130
Mr. Costello
apologizes. I apologize.
374
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:54,139
Let's be friends and
forget the whole matter.
375
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,240
Friends?
376
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:58,710
I'll be his friend
when he's a dead pig.
377
00:17:59,345 --> 00:18:01,007
My card, mon ami.
378
00:18:01,113 --> 00:18:04,106
My second will call upon you.
379
00:18:04,216 --> 00:18:05,514
Now...
380
00:18:06,719 --> 00:18:11,919
[Singing in French]
381
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:22,311
Costello, you don't
know what you've done.
382
00:18:22,335 --> 00:18:25,271
This is suicide. This
man will cut you to pieces.
383
00:18:25,371 --> 00:18:27,049
Are you kidding, Abbott?
Nothing can hurt me.
384
00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:27,904
What do you mean,
nothing can hurt you?
385
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:29,100
Nothing at all can hurt me!
386
00:18:29,208 --> 00:18:31,353
You know that doctor fixed
me up so nothing can hurt me.
387
00:18:31,377 --> 00:18:32,654
That's what I'm
trying to tell you.
388
00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:34,977
That doctor's a fake. He's
a phony. He's off his rocker.
389
00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:36,558
They've got him in
the lockup right now.
390
00:18:36,582 --> 00:18:37,345
Wait a minute, Abbott.
391
00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:39,214
Do not speak about
Dr. Bluzak that way.
392
00:18:39,318 --> 00:18:41,287
Especially when he's
not here to offend himself.
393
00:18:41,387 --> 00:18:42,855
After all, he's a good man,
394
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,322
and I'm not going to let
you use his name in vain.
395
00:18:45,424 --> 00:18:46,790
Take that. My card.
396
00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:48,827
Oh, stop this nonsense.
397
00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:50,205
I'm telling you
he's a fake, Lou.
398
00:18:50,229 --> 00:18:52,892
- I don't think so.
- I've seen it. I've heard it.
399
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:54,695
You're just trying
to kid me, Abbott.
400
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,099
- Will you listen to me, please, Lou?
- I don't know.
401
00:18:57,203 --> 00:18:58,847
I don't think I'm going to
listen to you or anybody else.
402
00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:00,949
I don't think after all, I think
this man gave me the stuff,
403
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,117
and I think
everything is all right.
404
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,119
And I know positively
nothing's going to happen to me.
405
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:05,167
I'm saying it's murder...
406
00:19:07,346 --> 00:19:08,211
It happened.
407
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:09,907
Well, what have
you got to say now?
408
00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:13,111
- I'm scared. I'm scared.
- Now you're scared.
409
00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:15,717
There we are, Louie.
410
00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:17,983
Roast chicken. Boiled potatoes.
411
00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:20,355
Nice June peas. Pie a la mode.
412
00:19:20,459 --> 00:19:22,485
Everything your
little heart desires.
413
00:19:22,595 --> 00:19:23,494
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
414
00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:24,495
What are you
doing like this for?
415
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:27,431
Well, now, wouldn't
you be kind to a friend
416
00:19:27,533 --> 00:19:29,297
on the eve of his departure?
417
00:19:29,402 --> 00:19:31,113
What do you mean,
departure? I ain't going no place.
418
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:34,107
Well, we don't know. It's
just one of those things.
419
00:19:34,206 --> 00:19:35,326
How do you like the chicken?
420
00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:36,768
Is that cooked well
enough for you?
421
00:19:36,842 --> 00:19:37,707
I don't want nothing to eat.
422
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:40,302
Lou, you can have
anything you want tonight.
423
00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:42,541
Anything at all. Anything
your heart desires.
424
00:19:42,648 --> 00:19:44,640
- Anything at all?
- Anything at all.
425
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,116
Can you bring me
some strawberries?
426
00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:48,881
- Well, they're out of season, Lou.
- I'll wait.
427
00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,127
If there's anything
else that you want, Lou,
428
00:19:54,226 --> 00:19:56,127
anything you want
me to do for you...
429
00:19:56,228 --> 00:19:58,356
Don't you think
you want to write
430
00:19:58,464 --> 00:20:01,457
some kind of a note
or letters to anyone?
431
00:20:01,567 --> 00:20:03,559
What do you mean,
write notes and letters?
432
00:20:03,669 --> 00:20:05,399
Well, I thought maybe you'd...
433
00:20:05,504 --> 00:20:08,133
And by the way, I
don't like to mention this,
434
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,539
but that portable
typewriter of yours...
435
00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:11,906
I've always had my eye on that.
436
00:20:12,011 --> 00:20:14,640
I know you wouldn't want it
to go to waste, would you?
437
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:15,612
Wait a minute, Abbott!
438
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,513
You're talking like
I'm dead already.
439
00:20:17,616 --> 00:20:20,518
Why wait till the
last minute, Lou?
440
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:23,289
Wait a minute.
441
00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:26,452
Oh, hello, Mr. Fields.
442
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,619
Now, boys, you know
that Professor Robert
443
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:29,286
has no friends here.
444
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:30,954
So he's asked me
to be his second.
445
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:34,192
Now, we have decided
to fight this duel with you
446
00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:36,428
tomorrow morning
around dawn in the park.
447
00:20:36,535 --> 00:20:40,529
Now, since we challenged you,
you have your choice of weapons.
448
00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:42,369
What do you want to fight with?
449
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:43,704
Cream puffs.
450
00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:46,210
Deadly weapons.
You have your choice.
451
00:20:46,312 --> 00:20:49,009
You can have either
rapiers or sabers.
452
00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:49,707
What's the difference?
453
00:20:49,815 --> 00:20:53,047
They're both swords, but
one is long and one is short.
454
00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:54,814
I suggest you
take the short one.
455
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,788
- Why?
- You can get closer to him!
456
00:20:57,890 --> 00:20:59,688
What a beautiful
fight this will be. Now...
457
00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:02,387
Oh, by the way, Lou,
that raincoat of yours...
458
00:21:02,495 --> 00:21:03,815
You know, I've
had my eye on that.
459
00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:05,991
I could take it in a
little around the waist.
460
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:09,091
Yeah, Abbott's going to get
my typewriter when I'm gone.
461
00:21:09,201 --> 00:21:10,362
Get out of here!
462
00:21:10,469 --> 00:21:13,769
The way you guys are talking,
you'd think I was gone already.
463
00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:15,739
Take it easy. Take it easy.
464
00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:18,470
- You want to be my friend?
- Certainly, I'm your friend.
465
00:21:18,577 --> 00:21:20,188
Help me pack. I'm
going to get out of here.
466
00:21:20,212 --> 00:21:22,875
All right. Pack it
up. Take it easy.
467
00:21:22,982 --> 00:21:25,542
You know, you're the one who
got yourself into this mess, not me.
468
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,143
I didn't get myself
into this mess.
469
00:21:27,253 --> 00:21:29,688
It was you. Greedy.
Being selfish, Abbott.
470
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:30,989
You wanted to get 100 dollars,
471
00:21:31,090 --> 00:21:33,958
so you put as a guinea
pig with that Dr. Bluzak.
472
00:21:34,059 --> 00:21:35,618
Let me think a minute!
473
00:21:35,728 --> 00:21:38,357
Some ideas you get. What's
the matter? You stuck?
474
00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:39,674
First time I've ever been stuck.
475
00:21:39,698 --> 00:21:40,909
It's the first time
you've ever been stuck?
476
00:21:40,933 --> 00:21:41,423
Yeah.
477
00:21:41,534 --> 00:21:42,544
If you don't get an idea here,
478
00:21:42,568 --> 00:21:44,408
I'll be the only one
that's going to get stuck.
479
00:21:49,375 --> 00:21:51,606
- Hello, Harry.
- Hello, Bud. Hello, Lou.
480
00:21:51,710 --> 00:21:53,255
The lieutenant was
afraid some of the pals
481
00:21:53,279 --> 00:21:55,423
of that bank robber you caught
might come and try and get you.
482
00:21:55,447 --> 00:21:57,487
- Is everything all right?
- Everything's just fine.
483
00:21:57,583 --> 00:21:59,415
We were just going
out for a little stroll.
484
00:21:59,518 --> 00:22:01,544
Sorry, boys. You
can't leave here.
485
00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:04,522
It's too dangerous.
You might get killed.
486
00:22:04,623 --> 00:22:05,818
- I might get killed?
- Yeah.
487
00:22:05,925 --> 00:22:08,019
I might get killed. Said
him. I might get killed.
488
00:22:08,127 --> 00:22:09,571
What do you think is
going to happen to me here?
489
00:22:09,595 --> 00:22:10,972
You haven't got a
thing to worry about.
490
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:12,828
I'll be camped right
outside of that door.
491
00:22:12,932 --> 00:22:15,299
Now, you boys go
to bed and relax.
492
00:22:16,135 --> 00:22:17,135
Relax?
493
00:22:17,203 --> 00:22:19,104
"Go to bed," he
says, "and relax."
494
00:22:19,205 --> 00:22:21,606
Abbott, I'm trapped like a rat!
495
00:22:21,707 --> 00:22:22,707
Wait a minute.
496
00:22:22,741 --> 00:22:24,710
No, you're not. I have an idea.
497
00:22:24,810 --> 00:22:26,039
Come here.
498
00:22:39,959 --> 00:22:41,120
Hello?
499
00:22:42,661 --> 00:22:45,756
Mais oui. This is
Professor Robert.
500
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:47,731
The Professor Robert.
501
00:22:47,833 --> 00:22:51,361
Oh, Professor Robert,
this is Bud Abbott.
502
00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:54,304
My partner, Mr. Costello,
wants me to tell you
503
00:22:54,406 --> 00:22:56,932
he thinks you're the
biggest dope in the world.
504
00:22:57,042 --> 00:22:57,941
Abbott, what are you doing?
505
00:22:58,043 --> 00:23:00,911
Don't open up the
wound any more than it is.
506
00:23:01,013 --> 00:23:03,209
He also wants me to tell you
507
00:23:03,315 --> 00:23:04,806
that he don't
think that you know
508
00:23:04,917 --> 00:23:07,045
one end of a sword from another.
509
00:23:07,152 --> 00:23:09,417
Abbott, the greatest
swordsman in the world.
510
00:23:09,521 --> 00:23:11,387
That pig said that?
511
00:23:11,490 --> 00:23:15,154
The miserable,
intruding little pig.
512
00:23:15,261 --> 00:23:18,993
He says that if you come
right down here now,
513
00:23:19,098 --> 00:23:21,658
he will wipe up
the floor with you!
514
00:23:21,767 --> 00:23:23,287
Abbott, do you know
what you're saying?
515
00:23:23,335 --> 00:23:24,415
The guy's going to kill me.
516
00:23:24,503 --> 00:23:25,547
Now you're going to
have him come here
517
00:23:25,571 --> 00:23:26,715
and clean up the joint with me.
518
00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:29,607
Please, Abbott, I beg of you.
Don't do this to me, will you?
519
00:23:29,708 --> 00:23:31,870
This is my idea.
Leave everything to me.
520
00:23:31,977 --> 00:23:33,673
You've got nothing
to worry about.
521
00:23:33,779 --> 00:23:35,499
- Got nothing to worry about.
- Don't worry.
522
00:23:36,115 --> 00:23:38,380
[Mumbling in French]
523
00:23:38,484 --> 00:23:40,028
Officer, will you come
in a minute, please?
524
00:23:40,052 --> 00:23:41,486
Sure.
525
00:23:43,355 --> 00:23:44,914
I just got a telephone call.
526
00:23:45,024 --> 00:23:47,255
It must have been from the
friend of that bank robber.
527
00:23:47,359 --> 00:23:49,089
- He said he was coming here.
- Coming here?
528
00:23:49,194 --> 00:23:51,356
Yes, he said he was
going to kill Costello.
529
00:23:51,463 --> 00:23:53,830
Listen, Harry, if the guy
happens to come in here
530
00:23:53,933 --> 00:23:55,577
and he's going to get
me, will you get him?
531
00:23:55,601 --> 00:23:57,178
And will you lock him
up and put him in jail?
532
00:23:57,202 --> 00:23:59,433
I'll say I will. I hope
he does show up.
533
00:24:00,706 --> 00:24:02,470
- That might be him.
- You let him in.
534
00:24:02,574 --> 00:24:04,167
- Go ahead.
- That's good.
535
00:24:09,148 --> 00:24:11,913
Professor Robert!
536
00:24:12,017 --> 00:24:15,510
My dear friend Harry!
537
00:24:15,621 --> 00:24:17,299
I haven't seen you since
you taught me how to fence
538
00:24:17,323 --> 00:24:18,188
up at the police academy.
539
00:24:18,290 --> 00:24:19,485
That's right!
540
00:24:20,626 --> 00:24:23,425
- Good seeing you.
- Un grand plaisir.
541
00:24:23,529 --> 00:24:26,397
Un grand plaisir. A pleasure.
542
00:24:35,307 --> 00:24:38,368
It's after 9:00.
He isn't coming.
543
00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:42,642
Oh, he will come.
Or I shall go after him.
544
00:24:42,748 --> 00:24:45,547
He is not getting off easily.
545
00:24:45,651 --> 00:24:47,085
Here they come now.
546
00:24:49,788 --> 00:24:51,279
Thought we wouldn't show up?
547
00:24:51,390 --> 00:24:53,757
Well, come on.
Let's get with it.
548
00:24:53,859 --> 00:24:56,454
This is the insult of insults.
549
00:24:59,465 --> 00:25:02,765
- Wants to get fresh?
- Well, let him have it.
550
00:25:06,372 --> 00:25:08,932
How dare you? I'm his second!
551
00:25:11,844 --> 00:25:13,710
The winner!
552
00:25:14,913 --> 00:25:16,313
My boy!
41206
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