All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S02E20 Well Oiled.DVDRip.NonHI.en.e-One

Hey, Abbott!

- Hey.
- Hey, Mike!

- Mike.
- Mike, hey, come here!

Good morning, boys.
Wonderful morning, isn't it?

Oh, sure.

Hey, what are you
doing with our car here?

Oh, nothing. Just
writing a little ticket.

Mike, you wouldn't
do that to us.

We're your pals.

Yeah. We love
you like a brother.

Oh, no, you don't. You hate me.

But I don't hate
nobody this morning.

Oh, I'm in a wonderful mood.

You want to know why?

No.

Yes, I'd like to know
why. What's the occasion?

Well, here, I'll show you.

Look at that.

What is it?

"What is it?"

It's a diamond engagement ring.

"What is it?"

Looks like a grain of sand.

Aw, it's beautiful, Mike.

Who's the lucky girl?

Oh, I ain't going
to tell you yet.

I haven't even told her yet.

But I'm going to this morning.

Boy, is she in for a surprise.

Well, you're a
regular fella, Mike,

and you're
deserving of the best.

Yeah, well, thanks a lot.

- Okay, Mike.
- Oh, wait a minute.

Here, I almost
forgot your ticket.

It's a wonderful day, isn't it?

Yes.

Hello, Stella, honey.

Hello, Mike.

Gee, imagine seeing you here.

Oh, well, you see me
here every morning.

Yeah.

And speaking of morning,
isn't it a beautiful morning?

Oh, it sure is a
beautiful morning.

I just love beautiful mornings.

They're so... so...

Beautiful?

Yeah.

You know, you always
seem to take the words

right out of my mouth.

It's funny. You always seem
to know just what I'm thinking.

Bet you don't know what
I'm thinking of right now.

Don't get fresh, now.

Well, now, Miss Larson,

my intentions are
strictly honorable.

Look.

For me?

Yeah. Isn't it pretty?

Gee. Is that a real diamond?

Sure, it's a real diamond.

It cost me 47 bucks.

Oh, geez, and it ain't
even my birthday or nothing.

Well, that's an engagement ring.

Engagement?

You mean engagement
to be married?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, well, I don't know.

I don't think maybe
I should take it.

Well, there better
not be anybody else,

'cause if there is, I'll...

Well, no, Mike, no.
There isn't anybody else.

It's just that, well,
I got a good job,

and I got to be
getting back to my job.

And, well, look,
I'll keep the ring

and let you know
when I see you tonight.

- All right.
- Bye.

Bye, Stella.

You know, that parking
ticket cost us 15 dollars.

How are we going
to pay the room rent?

You know what the
landlord's going to say to us?

- I know it by heart.
- Sure, you know it.

It's a lucky thing for us we've
got Mr. Fields for a landlord.

He's a very lenient man.

Yes, he is a nice fella.

Any other landlord
would have thrown us out.

It's all right.

- Think maybe we can make a deal.
- Oh, fine.

Oh, Mr. Scudder, these
are two of my tenants,

Mr. Bud Abbott and
Mr. Lou Costello.

Boys, Mr. Scudder may
be your new landlord.

You mean you're selling out?

Possibly. We haven't
closed the deal yet.

I trust these gentlemen
are satisfactory tenants?

Pay their rent promptly?

We sure do. The
minute we get it.

He means they pay the
minute they get their statement.

Yes, indeedy.

I doubt if any landlord
has ever had tenants

just like these two boys.

Good.

Prompt payment of rent
is one thing I insist upon

in all my apartment houses.

Come the 1st of the
month, they pay or get out.

Oh.

Glad to have met you.

If Mr. Fields sells this place
to that old skinflint, we're dead.

How do you like the guy
he's going to sell it to?

He wants us we should
pay our rent on the 1st.

You find people
like that. Come in.

Boys.

Mr. Fields, you put
us on a terrible spot

with what you're doing.

Don't play me, boys.

I don't want to sell this
place, but I simply got to.

I calls it a dirty trick.

Mr. Fields, if you
have to sell the place,

why don't you sell
it to some old dope?

Some old dope like yourself.

If it's money, we can
get it for you maybe.

We'll borrow it.

We'll do anything to
save this proposition.

I'm in real serious trouble.

I tell you, boys,

I'm being sued for 100,000
dollars for breach of promise.

You old fox, you.

Oh, well, I wrote this
woman some letters

and I guess I kind of made
it sound like a proposal

and she heard I had some
money and she got me hooked.

I don't know.

The only way for me
to get out of this thing

is to just, oh, go out of town,

somewhere where
she can't find...

Oh, Tahiti or anyplace.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Don't jump at
conclusions like that.

There's a way
out of these things.

Now, listen, Mr. Fields,
if he gets an idea...

If he gets an idea,
it's going to be good.

If you've got an idea
that will get me out of this,

I'll guarantee you
boys free room rent

for the rest of your lives.

What is it?

Wait a minute.
Now, just a minute.

Let me think. I have an idea.

What did I tell you?

He gets an idea,
he gets an idea.

Keep out of this!

Go ahead. You tell him. No!

Now, wait a minute.

There's no doubt she's marrying
you for your money. Am I right?

- Well...
- Now, just a minute.

Suppose you introduce
her to another man

with more money than you've got?

It might work.

But who would
the other fella be?

- You get the idea?
- Yeah.

He introduces some guy to her
who has more money than him.

He proposes. She accepts.

He's out of the jam.

You see what Abbott means?
See what Abbott means, Fields?

We've got to get
another guy to do this.

We've got to get another
guy, see, like he says.

We get another guy to
go propose to that woman.

And when he
proposes to that woman,

right away fast, you
ain't got no worries.

You're out.

You got...

No. Come on, Abbott, no.

That's not such a good
idea. Come on, Abbott.

Mr. Fields, I want you
to meet Mr. Lou Costello,

one of the wealthiest
oilmen from Texas.

You know, Abbott,

I've always wanted to
be a Texas oil millionaire.

Lucky guy you are.

Now you're going
to have your chance.

Mr. Fields is paying
for everything...

Clothes, entertainment, and
a swell car to drive around in.

Yeah, but don't overdo it.

Now, don't get the feeling
that you really are a millionaire

with my money.

Mr. Fields, now, you've
got to make it look good.

If you want this dame
to fall for Costello,

you've got to make it look as
though he's rolling in money.

Okay, but will you
roll kind of easy?

After all, I've got over 300
dollars sunk in this thing now.

Now I'm not sure
it's going to work.

Oh, it'll work, all
right. Stop worrying.

Why, he's all but married
to the dame right now.

Wait a minute.

You didn't say
anything about marriage.

Oh, that's my mistake.

I mean you're all
but engaged to her.

Besides, after she finds
out you've got no money,

she wouldn't marry you anyhow.

Oh, I don't know about that.

There's a lot of women
want me to get married.

- Name one.
- My mother.

Now, one thing, boys.

I can't introduce
you to this woman

because she might
get suspicious.

You'll have to figure out
some way to meet her.

Well, that should be easy.

You say she lives at the
Milo Arms apartments.

That's right. Exactly.

Every afternoon
at precisely 3:00,

she comes out to take
her little dog for a walk,

and you can't miss him.

It's a little dog,
a little white dog

with a blue-ribbon
bow around its neck.

Good. We've got it.
Leave everything to us.

Come on.

Now, sit still.

She was such a
good, good doggie.

You're going for
a nice, long walk.

Oh, Stella, I'm
expecting my attorney.

Before you leave for the day,

would you mind
taking Fifi for her walk?

Oh, yes, Ma'am.

And be careful.

Do you know what
you're supposed to do?

I got it.

I'm going in the pool
room and get a guy.

He'll flirt with her
when she comes out.

If he gets too persistent,

you play the hero
and come to her aid.

I punch the guy in the
nose, and then he falls down.

That's the idea.

See? And you're in
right with the dame,

and we're off to the races.

Now, look, tell the guy

when I punch him in the
nose and he falls down,

tell him to make it look good.

He'll do that.

Well, Wild Red Barry.

Hello, Bud.

Say, how would you like to
make a couple of fast bucks?

Sure. What do I got to do?

Oh, just take a
punch and a fall.

Well, I don't know.

I usually get five
bucks for that.

I'll give you three bucks.

Let's go inside
and talk it over.

Hello, fella.

Do you mind?

No, I don't mind.

Oh, he's so cute.

Only he's a she.

I mean, she's a her.

That's her.

Her name is Fifi.

Just a minute, partner.

Where I come
from, down in Texas,

we don't allow men to talk
to our women folks like that.

Scram, buster.

Yeah. What is this?

Excuse me, fair lady.

What you all need is a lesson.

Hey, buster, don't forget,
when I hit you, fall down.

Fall down. Fall.

As I said before, what
you all need is a lesson.

Hello, there, lady.

Just a minute.

Pardon me, my fair cactus
flower from the prairie land.

Listen, you.

I think everybody
around here is crazy.

How was I? Good, huh?

Yeah. You were all right.

Here's your three bucks.

Gee, thanks, but the
next time you need me,

you got to pay me more dough,

because that guy's
got a terrific wallop.

- Ain't you?
- Yes, I do.

What happened? What went wrong?

I don't know, but
I'm going home.

You're not going anyplace.

I did exactly like you told
me. I come up to the guy.

I didn't know it
was the wrong guy.

He kept belting me around.

Wait a minute.

We're going to try
this all over again.

She's over at the park. Come on.

- No, no.
- Come on!

Howdy, Ma'am.

You again?

Yes, Ma'am.

I can't stand seeing
men annoy women, lady.

Down in Texas, where
I got all my oil wells,

we don't stand for any
man annoying a woman.

Gee, do you really
have oil wells?

Ma'am, I got so many oil wells,

I don't know really
how many I got,

but I know I got a
lot of big oil wells

that got little oil wells.

Gee, I always wanted to
meet a big oilman from Texas.

I beg your pardon, Sir,

but I think it best I take
your car to the service station.

It's run out of gas.

Kenyon, just don't bother.

Throw it away and buy
a new one with gas in it.

But, Sir, you've already thrown
away three cars this week.

What good are they without gas?

Go, go, Kenyon. Go, go.

Yes, Sir.

Are you going to
throw that car away?

Well, why don't you
give it to somebody?

Oh, lady, it's a
little dusty and dirty.

I don't want to give
a dirty car away.

When I give a car away, I
like to give a new car away.

Gee, you must have
an awful lot of money.

Billions maybe, huh?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I've got so much money

I got 10 men that
stay up all night long

just counting how
much money I got.

And for 10 years, lady,

they have yet to catch
up to the oil wells.

Gee, well, ain't you married?

Oh, no, Ma'am.

I'm not married.

Women sort of scare me.

I believe they're
after my money.

Oh, well, I don't think money
would make any difference

if a girl really liked a man.

I mean, that is, unless, of
course, he didn't have any.

You know, Ma'am, you're
a girl after my own heart.

And if you keep talking
the way you're talking,

you're going to get it.

Cute little rascal.

How long would it take
you to grow a rabbit like that?

Oh, hello, Mr. Fields.

Mr. Abbott, well, how did it
go? Did Costello meet her?

Did he meet her?

Why, she took to Costello
like a fly takes to honey.

You've got nothing
to worry about.

Abbott, if I get
out of this thing,

I'll never write another
letter as long as I live.

You're going to
write one more letter.

- To her?
- To her.

You see, even though
Costello gets engaged to her,

she could still claim
that you jilted her.

What you've got to do is
make her throw you over.

How can I do that?

Just write her a letter and tell
her that you want to marry her.

Let her set the day.

- Are you sure?
- Sure I'm sure.

Do as I tell you.
You can't go wrong.

Okay, Mr. Abbott, I'll do it.

Swell.

Oh, Lou.

Lou?

Lou?

Lou, what's the matter?

She's beautiful.

She's gorgeous.

Tell me what happened.

She looked into my eyes.

Everything went blank.

Lou, don't tell me you've
fallen for that gold digger.

Don't you dare call her
a gold digger, Kenyon.

Another remark like that
and I'll have you replaced.

I'm sorry, Sir. I...

Ooh!

Kenyon.

Now, tonight's the
night you propose to her.

I don't know how to
propose to any girl.

I wouldn't know what to say.

I've got it all written
down in this book.

All the dialog's in there.

Okay. Give me the book.

Now, look, Mr. Fields
has spared no expense.

When you get to the
café, it's all set up for you.

He's created a real romantic
flavor, a real romantic scene.

Gee, that Mr. Fields
is sure good to me.

Not to you. This is for him.

Now, if she should accept
your proposal, give her a kiss.

- For Mr. Fields?
- For Mr. Fields.

And we'll have someone
snap a picture of it

so that Mr. Fields
has the evidence.

I feel like such a stool pigeon.

Why should you feel that way?

Didn't she try to
shake Mr. Fields down?

She's got it coming to her.

I don't know whether
she has or not.

She's such a beautiful girl.

She's so innocent and
just so nice, Buddy boy.

Oh, stop that, now.

You understand what to do?

I'm going to never trust
another woman as long as I live.

Good. Now, come on.
She's waiting for you.

Well, thank you.

What's that?

The corsage you ordered, Sir.

Oh, it's beautiful!

That Abbott on the ball.

Oh, Louis!

You like it, Stella?

You know, Louis, you
do the sweetest things.

You'd make some girl very happy,

you and all those oil wells.

Would you pin it on?

I'd be delighted.

For you, Stella darling, I
would do most anything.

- Louis!
- How's it look?

Oh, oh.

Excuse me, Stella.

I didn't know quite
what you meant, Stella.

Now, let me see here.

Was there something else
you wanted to ask me, Louis?

There sure is, Stella darling,
something very important.

You have the most
magnificent eyes

I ever saw on a girl, Stella.

I mean, was there
something else, Louis?

Something else, Stella darling?

Yes, there is, Stella darling.
There is something else.

I would... I got it.

I would like to ask you,
Stella, if y'all would marry me.

Oh, Louis!

Oh!

Lightning.

- Mr. Fields.
- Ah, good morning, boys.

Have we got good news for you.

What news,
Mr. Fields! What news!

She fell for Costello
like a ton of bricks.

Boys, that's wonderful.

Oh, that's nothing.

We've got a picture
of her kissing Costello.

- Really?
- How do you like that?

Pretty good, huh? And
she wants to marry me.

You mean she wants to
marry all those oil wells

she thinks you own.

Now, wait a minute, Mr. Fields.

I don't believe
she's a gold digger.

She's very sweet and
very cute, and I like her, too.

Of course. That's
what you think.

She's a slick one, all right.

Oh, I wrote that
letter like you told me.

Are you sure I'm
doing the right thing?

Certainly. Here. Mail that.

Got no stamp on it.

Get a stamp. Put it on there.

Figured it would
cost me something.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

Mike, what's the
matter with you?

Everything's the matter.

I've been
double-crossed by a rat.

What did he do?

Stole my girl.
That's what he did.

But I'll find him.

I'll find him, and when I do,

I'll tear him apart
with my own hands.

Mike, I know exactly
how I'd feel if it was my girl,

and I got a girl.

She's a beauty. Want
to see her picture?

No, I don't want to see
no pictures of no other girls.

This girl is beautiful.

This is me kissing
her in a nightclub.

- Take a look at it.
- No, no, no.

Why don't you go on
back to your horse?

I got a murder to figure out.

That's an expense list.

35 dollars for an
orchid corsage?

Well, it was a big one.

And tips. 50 dollars.

Well, Costello's a big man.

You can't nickel-and-dime
this thing, you know?

Well, maybe you're right.

Maybe it'll be worth whatever
it costs to get rid of that woman.

Now, you see?
You're talking sense.

And, hey, you know a funny
thing about that woman?

I think that Costello's
really fallen in love with her.

Wait a minute. Even Costello
can do better than that.

Oh, boy, is she fat.

Oh, now, wait a minute. I
didn't think she was so fat.

Well, maybe she's been
on a diet since I last saw her.

- Here.
- Yeah, well...

Get a look at this.

That's Stella?

Stella? Her name is Eloise.

Yeah, I meant Eloise.

Yes, I didn't recognize her.

She must have
taken off some weight.

Yes. That's Eloise.

Well, now I'm anxious to
know the outcome of that letter.

Yeah. Me, too.

I'll be seeing you.

Come here.

Of all the dumb guys in this
world, you are the dumbest.

What did I do now?

What did you do? You
proposed to the wrong woman.

That Stella dame is not the
one that's suing Mr. Fields.

Wait a minute. What?

You mean Stella,
she's not a gold digger?

Certainly not.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself,

the way you insult that Stella.

That's a nice
girl. I like Stella.

Now, wait a minute.

I'm glad she's
not a gold digger.

Just take it easy.
That's not the worst of it.

By the way, that letter...
That letter Mr. Fields wrote.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah...

Wait! Wait a minute!

- What?
- Is that the letter?

- Yeah.
- Get that letter out of there!

- You told me to mail it!
- Get that letter out of there!

First you tell me to mail it,

then you say get
the letter out of there.

Get that letter out of
there. Get the letter!

What, do you think it's easy
or something to get the letter?

Oh, what a mess this
is. Get the letter out.

Get it out!

- I can't get my hand down there.
- I don't care! Get it in!

Come on. Get that
letter. Give me that letter.

- I can't even get my hand out now.
- Oh.

Buddy, Buddy, I can't
even get the hand out!

Wait a minute.

Where do you get
these kind of ideas?

- Put your hand in the mailbox!
- Wait a minute!

I'll go and get some tools.

Don't go away. Don't go away.

Where am I going to go?

"Where's the letter?

You should put
the letter in there."

I put the letter in there.

Then, "Get the letter
out! Get the letter out!"

Uh-oh.

What are you doing
in this mailbox?

I'm mailing myself
home parcel post.

Officer.

Stool pigeon.

Oh, it's you, huh?

- Trying to rob the mailbox, huh?
- No, I'm not.

This is really going
to go tough on you.

Look, Mike, I dropped a
letter in there by mistake.

I'm trying to get it out.

Listen, don't you know

that the minute you put
a letter in the mailbox,

it becomes the property of
the United States government?

This means Alcatraz for you.

Okay, I'll take care of him.

Look, Mike, you
don't understand.

And I might as well warn you

that anything you say
will be held against you.

Now, I'm going to call the
wagon. You wait right here.

Wait right here.

What do you think I am, Houdini?

Where else am I going
to go? I got to wait here!

Louis!

Hiya, partner.

Oh, Stella, I got my hand
caught in the mailbox.

Well, that's terrible.

That ain't the half of it.

I'm going to Alcatraz.

Oh, is that where we're
going on our honeymoon?

Where is it?

I don't know where it is.

Oh, well, Louis, I
don't care where it is

as long as you're with me.

I couldn't sleep a wink last
night for thinking about you

and all those oil wells

and thinking about my
beautiful name, Stella Costello.

And, you know, you
may not believe it,

but you're really the
only man I've ever loved.

Mail, mail, mailbox.
Can't get my hand out.

And, you know, the first
thing I did this morning

was to send back my ring
and break off my engagement.

You were engaged?

Oh, well, he don't mean nothing.

Mike's just a policeman.

Oh, Mike the Cop.

Mike the Cop! Mike the Cop!

Stella, go.

But he don't mean a thing to me.

Stella, I don't... Go
on, Stella. Get out.

Mike the Cop. I don't want
trouble with Mike the Cop.

But you're the one
I've only really loved.

Stella, I don't...
Go on, will you?

I don't want to get in
trouble with Mike the Cop!

He's got to know sometime.

Let him find out!

- Oh, please be mine.
- Stella.

Stella, cut it out!

Stella!

That's right. And hurry up.

He went that way.

Stella, darling.

Hello, Mike.

Oh, Stella.

Hey, what happened to
the little guy that was here?

You mean my fiancé?

No, I...

What?

Are you making reference to
my fiancé, Mr. Louis Costello?

Him?

Why, that little rat.

That snake in the
grass! That lowlife!

Wait till I get my hands on him!

Have you seen Costello?

When I get my hands
on him, I'll strangle him.

What happened?

What happened? Look
at this. Look at this.

- What's that?
- That's a summons.

That's what it is. A
summons to appear in court.

I'm being sued.

Oh, I can explain that.

You can explain nothing.

You told me that woman
promised to marry Costello.

You forced me
to write that letter.

When I got this summons,
I phoned that woman.

She said she'd never
even heard of Costello.

She wants to marry me.

- But, look, I...
- Where's Costello?

I don't know. I'm
looking for him myself.

Not half as much
as I'm looking for him.

Wait a minute, Mike.

Wait a minute, Mike!
Wait a minute. Look.

I got a stamp on me, and I'm
in the United States mailbox.

And you know if you
tamper with the mail,

you know what that means?

Alcatraz.

You can't. I'm
in the mail, Mike.

With a stamp.