All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S02E04 Life Insurance.DVDRip.HI.en.e-One

[Applause]

Heeeey, Abbott!

[Snoring]

Hey, Abbott, will you
stop snoring? Turn over!

[Snoring]

Will you please
stop snoring, Abbott?

Hey, you... you got to cut it out.
I can't get a... any sleep at all.

Oh, will you keep
quiet, Costello?

It's the middle of the
night. Waking me up.

Let me get some sleep.

I've always told...

Hey, 5 minutes to 9:00.

What's the idea of
letting me sleep so late?

You knew I had to get up
and get a job this morning.

- You're going to work?
- No, no, no, no, for you.

How do you think we're
going to pay this rent?

Aah, you.

Now, I believe you'll like
this apartment, Madame.

This is one of my nicest.

Quite large, as you can see.

Plenty of closet space, eh?

And over here is the bath...
All tile, including the shower.

I'm sure you'll find
this quite comfortable.

And naturally, we'll be glad to
exchange any pieces of furniture

that you don't care for.

Oh, ho, ho, ho. One thing...

We have comfortable beds in
all the apartments, the very best.

Well, it looks all right,

but I'd kind of like to
have my husband see it.

Oh, by all means, by all means.

And if you should
make a decision,

you can have
immediate possession.

You can move right
in this afternoon.

Just fine furniture.

Ohh!

Hey, of all the
lowdown, dirty tricks.

That guy Fields is renting this
apartment right from under us.

Well, what do you expect? We
owe him five months' room rent.

He said he'd throw us
out if we didn't pay up.

That happened three months ago.

I didn't think he was going
to stay mad at us that long.

Well, we'll think of something.
We'll get out of this some way.

- Go ahead and fix some coffee.
- Okay.

Trouble, trouble,
trouble, trouble.

It's not that bad, Mr. Fields.

"Not that bad."

I got to meet a note at
the bank this morning.

Oh, you'll meet it.

Yeah, and I got to make a
car payment this afternoon.

Oh, you'll pay it.

Yes, and if I don't get this mortgage
money into the bank at noon,

I'll lose my equity in
the apartment house.

Oh, why worry?
You're not in trouble.

"Not in trouble."

Well, I was thinking
that maybe you boys

could kind of pay some
of your back room rent?

Now you are in trouble.

Well, what's going
to be with the rent?

Look, Abbott, I don't mind
if you fellas are behind

a second week or
even a second month,

but you boys are going
into your second year.

How time flies.

Fly, and so will you
guys fly out of here

if you don't get up the rent.

Fields, you've been a regular
feller about this whole matter.

Now, you've been
very patient with us,

and believe me,

you'll get your end as long
as we've got our good health.

Health... that's it. Supposing
something happens to you two guys.

Where would I be? What
insurance have I got?

Insurance? Wait a minute.
You've got something right there.

- What?
- Insurance.

We'll get insured,
and you hold the policy.

You can't get any insurance.

Isn't there some trouble with
blood pressure or something?

Well, we'll get Costello insured.
But don't say anything to him.

- That's an idea... Costello.
- Yeah.

All right, I'll
leave it up to you.

Now, Mr. Abbott, remember...

We are asking
Costello to do us a favor.

So, please, let's try
not to insult him, huh?

No, no, no.

Although I can't imagine what
you could possibly call that guy

that he hasn't
been called already.

I'll find him.

Oh, Costello?

Oh, come here, palsy-walsy.

Sit down a minute. I want
to have a word with you.

- I haven't got any money.
- Oh, no, no, no, nothing like that.

Just sit down here.
Put that stuff down.

That's a boy.

Sit down here.

Just relax. You've
been working hard.

Sit right down.

There we are.

- Comfortable?
- Yes.

Wait a minute. Sit still.

Put your foot... Put
your footsies up on there.

Come on.

- You feel good today?
- Oh, certainly.

I just want a few
words with you, Lou.

You know, we've
been pals a long time.

I think the world of you.

In fact, I don't know what
I've ever done without you.

Oh, you're beginning to
appreciate me, eh, Abbott?

Oh, certainly.

- Get my slippers off.
- Oh, sure, sure.

There we are, my boy.

- Put them on, please.
- Sure.

- Thank you.
- Comfy?

Now, Lou, I have
a few words to say.

You know, we've been
partners a long time,

and partners, they generally...
They're businessmen, of course.

They generally
insure each other.

Of course, you know, on
account of my high blood pressure,

I couldn't take out
any insurance policy.

So, I thought I'd take
$1,000 insurance on you.

And suppose you don't
take $1,000 insurance on me.

Well, I'm only trying
to make a point.

Not with my life.

Now, don't get selfish.

Suppose you should die.
Where would I wind up?

If I die, you know
where I would wind up.

There's a doubt there.

Come on. Put your coat on.

We're going down to the
insurance broker's office.

- Come on.
- Just a minute.

I refuse to go to the
insurance broker's office.

- You're going down there.
- I refuse to go.

I refuse to waste your time.

Now, this policy pays you
$1,000 in case of natural death

and $2,000 in case
of accidental death.

Is that okay with you?

Well, what do you say?

Let's forget the whole thing.

Wait a minute.

We came here to get you insured,
and you're going to get insured.

Of course, you'll have to
pass a physical examination.

Can we choose our own doctors?

Well, that's against our rules.
You'll have to use our doctor.

His office is right
across the hall.

Is he a good doctor?

I'm glad you asked that.

You know, some doctors,

when you go to them to
be treated to liver trouble,

you usually die
of heart trouble.

But when our doctor
treats you for liver trouble,

you die of liver trouble.

- On the ball.
- Sounds good.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

I'm Bud Abbott.

Sam Speedy sent us over here

to get a checkup on an
insurance policy for him.

Right.

- May I have your name?
- Yes, ma'am.

Lou S.F. Costello.

What's the "S.F." for?

"Silver Fox." My mother
was expecting a fur coat.

Where were you born?

Well, tell the lady
where you were born.

- I'm confused.
- Why should you be confused?

She just wants to know
where you were born.

That's why I'm confused.
Most people just ask me why.

Do you think he'll
pass the examination?

I think so. He
looks pretty healthy.

Well, I should. I don't
smoke. I don't drink.

I don't carouse around
nights. I believe in living clean.

Well, it may be clean,
but I wouldn't call it living.

You're a smart little nurse.

What will I have to
give you for a little kiss?

- Chloroform.
- Ohh.

I passed my examination!

I passed my examination!

I passed! I passed!

I passed! I...

Hello, Operator?

Would you have
the receiving hospital

send an ambulance right away?

Speedy Pay Insurance Company.

Thank you.

You can go in now.

I don't just about care
about going in there.

- Go ahead. Go ahead.
- I don't care about going in.

He passed, didn't he?

He passed. That's
what I'm afraid of.

All right, now open your mouth
wide for the good old doctor.

Open, please. Wider. Wider.

Now, wait a minute.

If you're going to get on the
inside, I'm coming on the outside.

But I want to see your tongue.
Please stick your tongue out.

Farther. Farther.
Farther. Farther.

Oh, what do you want
me to do, lay it on the floor?

- What kind of doctor's this?
- I'm a reputable doctor.

Oh, nurse? Miss Smith?

- Miss Smith, come in here, please.
- Yes, Doctor?

You better take a
sample of his blood,

and take it right from his ear.

All right.

Wait, wait!

Abbott! Please, Abbott!

I didn't say much, but don't
let them take my ear off, Abbott!

I only got two of them, Abbott!

- Wait a minute!
- Don't let them cut my ear off!

Oh, please, I'm begging you,
Abbott! Don't let them cut off my ear!

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- What's he doing?

I've been to the blood bank
nine times for a pint of blood.

Don't worry.

And if you go once
more, it'll make a pint.

All right.

Now, don't be nervous.
There's nothing to be afraid of.

You can come to the outer
office for your blood count later.

I'm sure you have
plenty of nice red blood.

And I intend to keep it, too.

Of course you know
what this is, don't you?

What, do you think
I'm a fool or something?

- Certainly I know what it is.
- Yeah?

Sure. This is one of those things
where you get the little hammer

and you hit it on
the bottom here,

and it goes all the
way up here and it hits...

No, no, no, this is a
blood-pressure apparatus.

- Oh, I thought it was for...
- No, no, no, no.

Now, there's nothing to it.

Now, this isn't going
to hurt you at all.

You're not going to
hurt me, are you, Doc?

No. Just leave it to
the good old doctor.

Look what he's doing
to my arm already.

- He's going to hurt me.
- No, he won't.

Look what he's doing
to my arm already.

He's going to choke me, Abbott.
Abbott, he's going to choke me!

Look what he's doing!
Help me, will you, Abbott?!

Abbott, help me! Aah!

No! No! Don't hurt... Don't.

- I've had other patients of your type.
- Don't!

- Now, take a deep breath, please.
- Don't hurt me!

Inhale deeply.

Aah.

[Telephone rings]

Oh, excuse me.

Mr. Abbott, will you
please help me out?

Thank you.

Just don't...

Yes? Speaking.

Oh, it's you, Mrs.
Goldwyn. What is it now?

This morning?

Early this morning?
Three of them?

Lou, will you please
come out of there.

For the last time, Lou, I'm
asking you to come out of there.

All you do is keep speaking up.

That's what the doctor told
me to do. Now, come out here.

- I know, but you keep hurting me.
- Oh, it's not hurting you.

Come out here.

- You won't use it anymore?
- No, I won't... I won't touch it.

- Come out here.
- Okay.

Come on.

Because you see this happened...

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Ah, now you did it.

By the way, Doc, do you think
that Costello really passed the test?

Not quite, Mr. Abbott.

- He's a very nervous chap.
- I know that.

But I think I can build him up
whereas he will pass the test

by giving him a
few vitamin pills.

Oh, that's wonderful.

But we won't tell him.
You know what I mean?

- It would make him feel very bad.
- Oh, I see.

I'll tell you what you do...

On your way home, drop
into the first drug store

and get him some
double-strength vitamin pills.

Wonderful, wonderful.

I imagine that'll do it.

I'll slip them... I'll slip them
to him when he's not looking.

Oh, I understand thoroughly,
but be very careful, Mr. Abbott

because these nervous chaps
can be torn down much quicker

than they can be built up.

I can imagine.

Right now Costello is worth
more dead than he is alive.

$1,000 worth.

- Well, thanks a lot, Doc.
- Good-bye, Mr. Abbott.

Bye-bye.

Well, Costello, you passed.
You now represent $1,000 in cash.

That's what's got me worried.

Oh, come on.

You should be ashamed
of yourself, Bud Abbott.

Hey, wait a minute.
You wait out here.

I'm going into this drug store
and buy some of those vita...

- Vita... vita...
- Vita, vita, vita what?

Oh, some vital stuff I... Do
you have to know everything?

You wait out here.

Hey, Mike.

What's the matter, Costello?
You look as white as a ghost.

You're just the
guy I want to see.

Do you think that a pal would
want to do away with his partner

for a lot of money?

Oh, sure, yeah.

Yeah, we got a case like that
down at headquarters right now,

where a guy tried to kill
his brother for 100 bucks.

100? 100 bucks?

This is 10 times worse.

Mike, you got to help me.

You got to help me do
something, figure something out.

You got help me watch Bud.

I'll give you a little
advice. Watch your step.

Don't stand there like
that. Go and get the coffee.

Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead.

What are you doing?

I'm sugaring your coffee.

All of a sudden, now
you're sugaring my coffee?

What's wrong with that?

Can you think of why you
have to sugar my coffee?

I have a thousand reasons.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Oh, my.

All right, t-take it...
Take it... take it easy.

All right, hold it. Hold it.
Hold it. Take it easy, boy.

Here, I'll pour
your coffee for you.

That's how much I think of you.

Now, drink up. That'll
make a new man out of you.

That's what I'm afraid of.

- Afraid of what?
- This'll make a new man out of me.

Oh, go ahead. Drink
up, my boy. Drink up.

- All right.
- You're dead a long time.

- What's the matter with you?
- Why'd you say that?

- Say what?
- "You're dead a long time."

Oh, that's just a
figure of speech.

Take it easy. Go ahead.

Uh-oh.

That's a boy. You only
live once, you know.

Ugh!

What are you doing?

- Why do you say those things?
- Say what?

There's no harm in that.

Well, don't sit there like
that. Put a smile on your face.

That's a boy. Smile it up.

What have you go
to lose? Come on.

You want me to drink coffee.

You're making me drink...

If Costello is as nervous and
jittery as you say he is, Mr. Abbott,

well, he'll never pass
the doctor's examination,

and we'll never get
that insurance policy.

Honest, he won't eat or drink,
so I can't slip him his vitamins.

- That's ridiculous.
- Yeah.

I've got an idea
that might work.

Suppose you tell him
that the doctor's orders are

that he goes away for a rest...
You know, a change of scenery,

let's say to the beach
or a hunting trip or...

Hunting... Now, that sound good.

Wait a minute. Where are we
going to get the paraphernalia,

the guns and such?

Don't worry. I've got everything
you could possibly need

right here in my closet.

Do tell.

FIELDS: Now, here.
You use this one.

This one never misses.

Now, be careful.

Be sure to keep Costello
in front of you at all times

so there will be no mistake.

Human target.

FIELDS: And don't let him
get wise to our little scheme.

Don't worry. I won't.

In fact, Costello's
so scared right now

he's apt to drop dead
any minute from fright.

Heaven forbid.

That's a natural death,

and the insurance policy pays
double for an accidental death.

ABBOTT: I never thought of that.

Once ain't enough.

He's got to get me double.

Double-crossing Abbott.

This is hard to believe.

Oh, Abbott.

What did I ever
do to deserve this?

I do hope this hunting
trip will calm his nerves.

I hope it will.

And please, Abbott, be
careful with the kid, huh?

Oh, don't you
worry about a thing.

If anything ever happened to
him, I'd never forgive myself.

Oh, Lou?

Lou!

I'm in the bathroom.

Come here.

No.

Come here!

I don't want to come out.

Lou, come on. Open that door.

No!

Open the door. I've got
some good news for you.

Come on!

Come here, Lou.

You know, you've...
You've got me worried.

I got me worried, too.

Well, the doctor suggested
that I take you on an outing,

sort of a picnic like.

You know, we'll go
out in the open air

and get some fresh
air and sunshine,

you know, and
do a little hunting.

- Hunting?
- Yeah.

- With guns?
- Oh, sure.

Uh-oh.

What's wrong with that?

Hey, Abbott, where's
the rest of the food?

Listen, if you don't get
some wood for the fire,

you'll get nothing to eat.

I'll get the ax.

Lou, I'm sorry. The ax slipped.

It slipped?

Well, it was just
carelessness on my part.

Your carelessness
had such great aim.

Well, now, wait a minute.
You can't cut wood with a gun.

Don't tell me what I
can cut with a gun.

You need a gun around here.

I'm not going to be
careless anymore.

I'm not taking any more chances.

- All right, I'll get the ax...
- No, you won't.

- Don't you dare touch that ax.
- What's the matter?

Don't touch it.
I'll get it myself.

Now...

Now, go out and find a
dead tree and chop it down.

- It's got to be dead?
- I like dead trees.

- You like dead trees?
- Yes.

I think I'll use both guns.

I ain't leaving nothing around
here for you or anybody else.

You got me scared to death.

Oh, don't be scared.

Costello. Costello, come here.

It's like hitting a
rock, this thing.

Come here.

Come on.

- See that sign there?
- Yes.

- Can you read?
- Of course.

Well... I'm not smoking.

Who's talking about smoking?

Chopping down trees.

That says, "Petrified tree."

You mean the tree is drunk?

Sure the... No, no. "U.S.
government property."

You mean the United
States government

has a lot of drunken
trees in the forest?

What are you talking about?

$10,000 fine.

I hit that tree. I
didn't find a nickel.

You're... You'll find something,
and 10 years in prison.

Oh, $10,000 fine and
10 years in prison?

- You bet your life.
- They give you a choice.

Oh, they don't give
you... Give me that gun.

Let's go out and hunt a
couple of rabbits for dinner.

You go that way,
and I'll go that way.

Okay.

That's a beaut.

Gotcha!

[Whistles]

Here, bunny. Here, bunny.

[Gunshot]

Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

Don't shoot anymore,
will you, Abbott?

- Please don't shoot anymore.
- What's the matter with you?

Why don't you give
me a fighting chance?

What do you mean?

Why do you have to
shoot me in the back?

Who's shooting who?

You are. Stop your kidding now.

Oh, why don't you behave
yourself? What's wrong with you, Lou?

Nothing's wrong with me.

I didn't fire any
shots. Smell the gun.

The gun! Aah!

Smell it.

Lou! Lou!

♪ Oh, Jeanie with
the light brown hair ♪

Shh. Will you shut up?

You'll have every wolf and
coyote in the countryside

sleeping in here with us.

Well, Abbott, I always like
to sing before I go to sleep.

Another chirp out of you,
and I'll put you to sleep.

Now, go to bed.

Wait till I get out
of here Costello.

I'll break every
bone in your neck.

Hey, Abbott, it wasn't my fault.

If it'll make you feel
any better, I'm sorry.

Ah, too late for that.

[Gunshot]

Costello!

Costello, where are
you? I'll come and get you!

That's what I'm afraid of.

[Rustling leaves]

Hey, that sounds like
that bear we saw last night.

What are we waiting
for? Let's go get him.

There's the bear.

You can hardly see
him in this moonlight,

but I think we can get him.

Let's try.

Abbott!

[Gunshots]

Abbott, I give up!

Don't shoot!

[Gunshots]

Lou!

Lou!

[Gunshots]

Abbott, I give up!

[Gunshots]

So help me, Bill,
now I see two of them.

I'll take the one on the right.

[Gunshots]

I swear my bear tore out
of there with its hind leg.

[Gunshots]

He's shooting his
partner. He's going crazy.

Abbott.

Ohh, whatever came
over you, Abbott?

[Gunshots]

Costello!

Costello, where are you?

[Bear growling]

[Screaming]