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1
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[STUDIOCANAL IDENT]
2
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:53,885
[SINGING "ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS"]
"Like a mighty army"...
3
00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:58,097
..."Moved the Church of God."
4
00:00:58,642 --> 00:01:02,807
"Brothers, we are treading"...
5
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:07,561
"...Where the saints have trod."
6
00:01:07,818 --> 00:01:12,188
"We are not divided"...
7
00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:16,446
..."All one body we."
8
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:20,950
"One in hope and doctrine"...
9
00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:26,000
..."One in charity."
10
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:30,456
"Onward Christian Soldiers"...
11
00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:34,000
..."Marching as to war."
12
00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:39,306
"With the cross of Jesus"...
13
00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:44,136
..."Going on before."
14
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:48,941
One basket...
15
00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:50,812
...had very good figs.
16
00:01:51,903 --> 00:01:52,903
But the other basket...
17
00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:55,188
...had very naughty figs.
18
00:01:55,824 --> 00:01:57,531
Then, said the Lord unto me...
19
00:01:57,993 --> 00:01:59,985
..."What seest thou, Jeremiah?"
20
00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:02,992
And I said: "Figs."
21
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,038
My friends...
22
00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:10,124
...for my sermon today, I have
chosen the subject of sex.
23
00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:15,717
The other day, a friend
said to me...
24
00:02:16,303 --> 00:02:18,260
..."Geoff, old chum"...
25
00:02:18,889 --> 00:02:22,348
..."Is there too much
sex around these days?"
26
00:02:22,726 --> 00:02:24,718
"Especially on the television?"
27
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,057
Well, my answer...
28
00:02:27,356 --> 00:02:28,356
...is "Yes."
29
00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:32,604
Oh, I would be the first to
agree that sex...
30
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:36,320
...in its proper context is a beautiful
and ennobling thing.
31
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,357
But, in its proper context.
32
00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,158
And that does not mean...
33
00:02:41,244 --> 00:02:43,611
...when it is thrust at us for
commercial gain.
34
00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:46,623
Thrust at us, in
ever-increasing quantities...
35
00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:49,166
...by the muck-mongers of
the mass media.
36
00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:51,168
The time has come for us...
37
00:02:51,380 --> 00:02:54,544
...to call a halt to this
moral erosion.
38
00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:59,218
To join a crusade for better,
cleaner television.
39
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:00,513
That crusade...
40
00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:05,638
...is the England Clean,
England Strong Society.
41
00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:06,596
Hmmph.
42
00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:09,555
[THEME MUSIC BEGINS]
43
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:17,399
"Every home should have one."
44
00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:21,366
"Every home should have one."
45
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:25,904
"Every home should have one,
Every home should have one."
46
00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:29,373
"Every home should have one.
Cool as mountain dew."
47
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:33,370
"Smooth and swift and super-emollient.
Instant, special new!"
48
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,379
"Plastic free gifts have to be given"...
49
00:03:35,757 --> 00:03:37,464
..."Free!"
50
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,425
"Satisfaction certificated"...
51
00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:41,260
..."Polyvinyl chromium-plated."
52
00:03:41,304 --> 00:03:43,261
"Every home should have one"...
53
00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,172
..."In a monster size."
54
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,994
"Sun-ripe, sunkissed, sun-blessed
and bottled"...
55
00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:48,429
..."Super grand surprise."
56
00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:52,188
"Brown and bronzed and bleached
with a guarantee."
57
00:03:52,357 --> 00:04:00,026
"Every home should have one."
58
00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:04,492
"Fresher, cleaner, lighter,
bigger, better, brighter"...
59
00:04:04,536 --> 00:04:06,493
"Sparkling white, and whiter"...
60
00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:08,954
..."Full of every vitamin"...
61
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:12,618
..."That you will ever hope to see."
62
00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:27,757
"Every home should have one,
Just like mother made"...
63
00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:32,020
..."Silky, sexy, super-deodorous,
Tested by the trade."
64
00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:35,849
"Go to work on this and
you'll walk on air."
65
00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:38,229
"Spread so smooth and easy to
wear and wash"...
66
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,922
..."It's something that you
can share in."
67
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:43,735
"Every home should have one,
Gives a well-sprung rest."
68
00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:47,409
"High-grade, high-speed, high-definition,
Bigger, better, best!"
69
00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:51,114
"Unrepeatable offer of country fare!"
70
00:04:51,166 --> 00:04:58,710
"Every home should have one."
71
00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:03,338
"Fresher, cleaner, lighter,
bigger, better, brighter"...
72
00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:07,547
..."Sparkling white, and whiter!
"Full of every vitamin"...
73
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:12,477
..."That you will ever hope to see!"
74
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:16,515
[MUSIC CRESCENDOS]
75
00:05:25,909 --> 00:05:26,865
[MECHANICAL SWITCH]
76
00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:31,780
[MUSIC BEGINS: VON SUPPE'S
"LIGHT CAVALRY OVERTURE"]
77
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,541
[RATTLING AND SOUND OF
BREAKING CROCKERY]
78
00:05:49,808 --> 00:05:51,049
[CLANG]
Ooh!
79
00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:53,769
Oh..!
80
00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:58,939
Oh!
81
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:06,448
[THUD]
82
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,158
I'm Whizzy, the Alka Vita Kid!
83
00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,327
Feeling unwell? Stomach upsets
getting you down?
84
00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:20,629
You tell, em, kid.
85
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:23,081
[SINGING]
"I clean your liver through and through."
86
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,128
"That's the job I do for you."
87
00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:27,133
"See it sparkle, see it fizz!"
88
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:30,971
"Alka Vita is a whizz."
89
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:32,975
[LOUD POP]
90
00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:38,517
"For sparkling teeth and
tingly gums"...
91
00:06:39,357 --> 00:06:41,974
..."Use Chlorodent!"
92
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:51,360
"And remember, Chlorodent gives
you that HALO OF HYGIENE!"
93
00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:55,933
You said you were going to
finish that Saturday night.
94
00:06:55,957 --> 00:06:56,993
Had to watch TV.
95
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:59,700
"Had to"? A man came in and
forced you at the point of a gun?
96
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:01,702
You and Dad were out,
so Hildegarde said...
97
00:07:01,713 --> 00:07:04,456
Hildegard's altogether too
easy-going with you.
98
00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,541
[SOUND OF IMPISH LAUGHTER]
99
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:08,550
Dad seeing them again?
100
00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:11,258
That'll be the Jolly Dandruff Giant.
101
00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:14,807
I don't like the Jolly Dandruff Giant.
He's a silly old ponce.
102
00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:17,186
What did you say?
103
00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:19,220
Morning, Rich.
104
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,018
Morning, Dad.
105
00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,854
Just tell your father what
you just said.
106
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:27,691
I said I think the Jolly Dandruff
Giant is a silly old ponce.
107
00:07:28,156 --> 00:07:29,943
- That's interesting, isn't it?
- Mmm.
108
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,678
We've got a very good
identification with the, er...
109
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:34,568
- ...fourteen to fifteen age group...
- No, the word he used.
110
00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,616
- Do you approve?
- Hmm? Um...
111
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:38,497
...no! Certainly not.
112
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,910
Richard - never let me hear you
use that word again.
113
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:43,915
Policemen say it.
114
00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:46,877
You've never heard
a policeman say that!
115
00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:49,508
I did, on a TV play on
Saturday night.
116
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,218
Then when the girl came in,
they sai...
117
00:07:51,221 --> 00:07:53,713
No one wants to hear.
Get on with your cornflakes.
118
00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:55,214
I'll have a chat with Hildegarde.
119
00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:56,642
[LIZ CALLS]
Hildegarde.
120
00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,185
Hildegarde!
121
00:08:00,271 --> 00:08:01,853
HILDEGARDE!
122
00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:03,855
My baby?!
123
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:06,559
Richard? I don't believe it!
124
00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:09,062
From the fathers I expect
this sort of thing.
125
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,567
But from the sons,
it's too much.
126
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,320
Goodbye, Mrs Brown!
127
00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,410
[DOOR SLAMS]
128
00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:18,951
[BRASH, BREEZY MUSIC]
129
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:33,882
[BAGPIPE MUSIC]
130
00:08:49,195 --> 00:08:53,235
You're late.
131
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:57,118
Because it's McLaughlin's
Frozen Porridge, dear.
132
00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:01,414
Is that why it's so
smooth and creamy?
133
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:02,750
Yes, dear.
134
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:05,701
McLaughlin's is made from the
pick of the oats.
135
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:07,996
[SHE CHUCKLES]
Come on - eat up!
136
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:12,212
He LOVES his frozen
McLaughlin's, bless him.
137
00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:15,127
Take a tip from wee Angus.
138
00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:18,173
McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge
builds bonnie bairns!
139
00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:22,260
[SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "AULD LANG SYNE"]
"Yes, bonnie boys and bonnie girls"...
140
00:09:22,312 --> 00:09:25,555
..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge."
141
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,655
You want a considered opinion?
142
00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:37,493
YUCH!
143
00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:39,660
"Y-U-C-H"?
144
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:40,704
Precisely.
145
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,530
And underlined!
146
00:09:42,791 --> 00:09:44,032
What went wrong, Nat?
147
00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:46,747
Oh, it's, uh... er, excuse me.
148
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,336
Frank, a merchandising error...
149
00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:52,422
Teddy - what did I do wrong?
150
00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:55,172
You forgot to research the
socio-economic profile.
151
00:09:56,221 --> 00:09:58,901
- Socio-economic?
- CHANDLER:... their board, and their head office.
152
00:10:00,141 --> 00:10:01,006
You see...
153
00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:04,803
...er, Teddy forgot to research the
socio-economic profile.
154
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:05,389
Teddy?
155
00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:07,855
My graphics man -
wonderful young fellow...
156
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,934
- ...oh, he is so...
- Pure Victorian sentimentality.
157
00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:12,268
[THUD]
158
00:10:13,822 --> 00:10:17,236
But Frank, the "love equals
frozen porridge" angle!
159
00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:19,240
We won the prize for
that one, Frank.
160
00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:21,910
The brand-identification factor is
up to seventy-three.
161
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,537
I'll go along with that, Frank.
162
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:24,997
- Hang on!
- Nat...
163
00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:26,998
...you have fallen down,
on a big one.
164
00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:28,792
McLaughlin's not just one account.
165
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:30,161
He's a commercial empire.
166
00:10:30,255 --> 00:10:31,291
Um... ooh.
167
00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:32,963
Well, I keep telling that
to Teddy.
168
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:35,424
He can tell you. Teddy, will you
tell 'em, please?
169
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,130
Motivational research
gave us a...
170
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,489
...survey in depth, Frank.
[REVERBERATING THUD]
171
00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:39,594
Mother love is IN.
172
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,158
I go along with that thinking,
too, Frank.
173
00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:42,827
He goes along with that thinking,
too, Frank.
174
00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:45,013
A McLaughlin campaign has
to be important.
175
00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:46,386
Impact, Charles.
176
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,332
- Now, you... play with that sales report.
- Teddy, for Pete's sake...
177
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:51,690
...say something. I am pleading with
you to say something.
178
00:10:51,776 --> 00:10:53,688
[LIFT NOISE]
179
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:57,067
[CRASHING AND SHATTERING GLASS]
180
00:10:57,115 --> 00:11:00,449
- Morning, Jenny.
- Morning, Mr Brown.
181
00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,576
Inject a dignity factor.
182
00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:04,532
- Yes, we can give it more dignity.
- Mmm.
183
00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:06,038
Erm, uh, giveaway campaign.
184
00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:09,333
Free plastic, uh... what are those funny
things Scotties are always wearing?
185
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:10,913
Oh, they're what we call "sporrans".
186
00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:12,703
Aye, free plastic sporrans!
187
00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:15,372
We lose McLaughlin, we lose
more than agency revenue.
188
00:11:15,425 --> 00:11:17,667
Don't you know his latest factory
was opened by royalty?
189
00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:19,822
- "Royalty equals mother love."
- Terribly sorry. [BANG]
190
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:20,802
There's a chance...
[BANG]
191
00:11:20,847 --> 00:11:23,260
...the McLaughlin conglomerate...
McLoughlin foundation.
192
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,883
Sporrans?
[SOUND OF SCREECHING TYRES]
193
00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,978
What's your view?
[EXHALES LOUDLY]
194
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,310
- [BREATHLESSLY] I...
- I agree entirely.
195
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,141
- It stinks.
- Uh..?
196
00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:38,355
The campaign as at present
conceptualised... stinks.
197
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:43,241
And he, he is the only
one with the...
198
00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:44,610
...with the insight...
199
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,991
...the, the insight, and
the guts, to...
200
00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:50,325
..to... Hmm.
Who is he?
201
00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:54,211
Well, he's one of my boys.
He's on my team, Frank.
202
00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:55,921
His name is Teddy Brown.
203
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,962
He's a product of the old
Nat Kaplan Nursery...
204
00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:01,502
...and I am grooming him
personally, Frank.
205
00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:03,758
- Nat, you're hurting me.
- Oh.
206
00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:04,801
Then, Brown...
207
00:12:04,891 --> 00:12:06,553
...an honest appraisal of
the campaign.
208
00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:09,351
Give it to me straight. Where do
you think we went wrong?
209
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:13,431
Tell him. Tell him where we
went wrong, huh?
210
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:14,894
Well, um...
211
00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:16,893
...fundamentally...
212
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,777
- ...we were...
- Yes, yes?
213
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:20,612
The mistake we made
was, you see...
214
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:25,113
- ...er, selling porridge...
- A-ha! Ah? Ha, ha, right!
215
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,703
Right? Oh, he hit the nail right
on the head! Oh, gee...
216
00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:32,955
...this good old genius, old Teddy, bay-bee!
I know what's on your mind!
217
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:35,870
- You do?
- Oh, ho! The classical error...
218
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:38,756
...we disobeyed Principle
Number One.
219
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,759
You don't sell the steak;
you sell the sizzle.
220
00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:45,259
Now it's getting exciting.
How it's beginning to feel good!
221
00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:47,973
That one creative leap.
222
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,807
All right, Brown.
223
00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:54,812
Set up your team.
224
00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:57,854
You don't take the ball from
the man on top of it.
225
00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:00,314
The new McLaughlin campaign...
226
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,988
...from now on: it's your baby.
227
00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:06,195
- It's not funny, it's disgusting.
- It's just a hobby.
228
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:07,572
Collecting girls' knickers?
229
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,236
All the chaps in our form are.
230
00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:11,572
You see nothing wrong in
collecting strange knickers...
231
00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:13,328
...and pressing them in your
stamp album?
232
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,330
- Well, it was on television.
- What was?
233
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:16,786
The play about this old man.
234
00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:20,130
- He went round clothes lines, stealing knickers.
- I don't want to hear!
235
00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:22,319
[SOUND OF DOOR CLOSING]
Goodness knows what your father will think.
236
00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:24,130
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC]
237
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:31,892
- Ready?
- No. I came up with the...
238
00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:33,476
- ...art department...
- Stop being a child!
239
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:34,540
I'm not being a child.
Look, I've never...
240
00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,542
...handled a whole campaign
on my own before, that's all.
241
00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:38,774
That's ridiculous. Believe me.
Trust me.
242
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,608
- Nat, I...
- That really hurts a man.
243
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,566
- Are you ready to order, gentlemen?
- Look, I'll handle this, Teddy.
244
00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:46,573
I'll, er, I'll have my usual, Mario.
245
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:49,702
My name is Arthur, sir. I don't
know what your usual is.
246
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:52,613
Oh. Well, then...
247
00:13:53,041 --> 00:13:55,328
...I'll have a little caviare,
I think, and, uh...
248
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:57,618
...and we'll follow that with
some oysters, I think.
249
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,957
Some oysters? Yes, sir.
Half a dozen? A dozen?
250
00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:01,539
Er, nine.
251
00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:03,050
Nine?
252
00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:04,925
A dozen is so pushy.
253
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:06,261
Nine.
254
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,882
- Each?
- No, no. No, erm, uh...
255
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,965
...I'll just have a... small
macaroni cheese, I think.
256
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,262
- Macaroni?
- Ta. Grazi.
257
00:14:13,436 --> 00:14:16,474
I come here a lot. The grooviest
people in the whole world...
258
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:19,307
...showbusiness, writers, photographers...
259
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,687
...it's not easy to become a
member, let me tell you.
260
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:23,693
Hello, baby!
261
00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:25,695
Oh, hi.
262
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:27,610
Saw the show. Loved it.
263
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:29,615
Loved it!
264
00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:33,120
- Know her?
- Know her?
265
00:14:33,998 --> 00:14:36,490
- Ah, come here, come here.
- What? What? What?
266
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:39,084
What did he mean, "Loved the show"?
267
00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:40,414
What show?
268
00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:44,673
Like a rattlesnake.
269
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:48,336
- Shew!
- But, Teddy, Teddy, believe me...
270
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:51,972
...one of the nicest, most genuine
people in showbusiness.
271
00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:56,344
- Nat, about this McLaughlin's campaign...
- Hi, Susie!
272
00:14:57,688 --> 00:15:00,931
Oh... hi! Excuse me, darling,
it's work.
273
00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,608
Nat, darling, you're very,
very naughty.
274
00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:09,760
You never called me back about
that dog-food commercial.
275
00:15:09,784 --> 00:15:11,821
Ah, I'm sorry, honey, but you
know how it is.
276
00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:14,828
Nepotism in the office.
They decided to use a dog.
277
00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:16,829
- Mmm-hmm.
- Keep in touch, huh?
278
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,911
- Okay. Bye.
- Mmm-hmm.
279
00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:23,332
A moth to my flame, poor thing.
280
00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:25,622
Ha! Power!
281
00:15:26,050 --> 00:15:27,211
[NAT CHUCKLES]
Nat...
282
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:29,210
...d'you really...
283
00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:31,966
Aren't you married?
I mean, don't you feel guilty?
284
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,468
Yes.
285
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:37,267
But, y'see... I have this wonderful
understanding with my wife.
286
00:15:38,563 --> 00:15:39,563
She doesn't know.
287
00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:43,410
- Nat, look, about this porridge...
- She's still in the States, see.
288
00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:45,525
I'm fixing up a house so
she can come over.
289
00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,694
But you know how long these
things can take.
290
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,859
- If you play your cards right.
- Yeah.
291
00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:52,031
Er, Nat, about the porridge.
292
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:55,702
Ah... sex is a strange and
wonderful thing.
293
00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,696
Yeah... so's porridge.
294
00:15:58,583 --> 00:15:59,869
[NOISY CHEWING]
Look, Nat...
295
00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,251
Wait a minute.
296
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,587
- Did you say "porridge"?
- What?
297
00:16:06,090 --> 00:16:07,831
- Sex and porridge.
- What?!
298
00:16:08,009 --> 00:16:10,797
- Sex and Porridge!
- What are you talking about, Nat?
299
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,256
Imagine...
300
00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:15,677
...selling porridge...
with a sex image!
301
00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:19,469
Oh, Teddy, this is new.
302
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:22,392
And this is our first plus -
and it's good.
303
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,393
Oh, is it good!
304
00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:27,435
And all the time I thought you
were a little weirdo!
305
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,444
Hey, Nat, do you really
think it'll work?
306
00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:31,317
Work? Listen, kid...
307
00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:33,778
...this campaign has to be ready
in two weeks, yeah?
308
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,656
All right. You've got just
fourteen days, hear me?
309
00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:39,409
Fourteen days to do nothing...
310
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:41,411
...think nothing, but sex, yeah?
311
00:16:41,626 --> 00:16:42,662
Sex.
312
00:16:43,085 --> 00:16:46,374
Sex.
313
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:48,630
Sir?
314
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:50,047
Make mine oysters.
315
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,924
[LAID BACK MUSIC]
316
00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:57,799
"Think dirty."
317
00:16:59,101 --> 00:17:01,434
"Think dirty."
318
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:10,691
"Ah-ah."
319
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:13,313
"Think dirty."
320
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:15,323
"Dirty."
321
00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:26,410
"Think dirty."
322
00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:30,039
"Think dirty."
323
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:53,126
"Think dirty."
324
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,128
- I'm home, Liz.
- LOOK!
325
00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:57,029
Hey, great, but I've got some work
to do first...
326
00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:58,294
- They're Hidegarde's!
- What..?
327
00:18:58,346 --> 00:19:00,303
She left this morning.
328
00:19:00,598 --> 00:19:02,931
- We, we can post them on to her..?
- She left...
329
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:06,264
...because your son, Richard,
took these from her.
330
00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:08,888
- While she was wearing them?
- No!
331
00:19:08,939 --> 00:19:10,896
He was keeping them in
his stamp album!
332
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:12,484
Where?
333
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:15,023
Between Morocco and Mozambique.
334
00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:17,146
Richard. Um...
335
00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:21,908
...Mummy said that, er... you
got the idea from, er...
336
00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:22,783
...watching TV.
337
00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:26,204
Yeah. It was a play called, er...
"The Fetish".
338
00:19:26,749 --> 00:19:29,412
Er, do, do you know what
a fetish is, Richard?
339
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,410
Greville says it's a kind of hobby.
340
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,874
He... y-yes, yes, yes, I
suppose it's a...
341
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,043
...kind of hobby.
I mean, look, you see...
342
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:39,051
...collecting knickers is an
unhealthy hobby, because...
343
00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:41,553
...it's involved with sex.
344
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,839
You know what sex is,
don't you, Richard?
345
00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:46,300
Oh, sure. What's "involved" mean?
346
00:19:46,686 --> 00:19:48,302
Well, Richard, you see...
347
00:19:48,729 --> 00:19:50,265
...y'see, a woman's body...
348
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:52,602
...sh-should be respected.
349
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,933
We respect Clarke's sister's body.
350
00:19:55,111 --> 00:19:56,522
All the chaps in the Club do.
351
00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:58,228
She can touch her ears
with her toes.
352
00:19:58,322 --> 00:19:59,654
She's double-jointed.
353
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:01,526
Y-yes, yes, yes...
354
00:20:01,575 --> 00:20:03,737
...but, now, you see, that's
not the kind of...
355
00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:05,277
...respect I had in mind.
356
00:20:05,413 --> 00:20:07,905
No. Er, still, I don't want to
confuse you.
357
00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:09,907
That's enough for today, but, um...
358
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,951
...if there's anything you're
still not clear on...
359
00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:13,623
...I mean, please feel free to, uh...
360
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,830
- I don't think so.
- Good.
361
00:20:16,674 --> 00:20:17,835
Oh, yes.
362
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:19,551
What?
363
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:20,967
What is a ponce?
364
00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:22,429
Ah.
365
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:24,004
Ahh.
366
00:20:24,682 --> 00:20:26,014
I...
367
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:29,259
...I think I can hear your mother
calling, Richard, I...
368
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:31,351
- She probably wants to get you at it.
- She what..?
369
00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:33,479
There's a whole crowd coming tonight.
370
00:20:33,524 --> 00:20:35,686
[CLANKING NOISE]
371
00:20:36,026 --> 00:20:38,609
'Ere, you tryin' to slag
my bloody bird?
372
00:20:38,696 --> 00:20:40,028
BIRD ON TV: Get bloody knotted!
373
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:43,023
But this is madness. I mean, all these
people - I mean...
374
00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:44,803
...talk about fetching a
sledgehammer to crack a nut.
375
00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:46,284
Yes, well, I've been proved right.
376
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:48,703
We've seen it in our own home,
with our own child.
377
00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:50,489
Well, I, I, I talked to Richard.
378
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:52,519
I talked to him. There's nothing
wrong in what he did.
379
00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,034
I did far worse things at his age.
380
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,543
I was filthy!
381
00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:57,291
He's still being corrupted.
382
00:20:57,381 --> 00:21:00,124
It is our duty to help prevent that
corruption from proliferating.
383
00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:01,796
Look, Liz, I've got work to do.
384
00:21:01,844 --> 00:21:03,801
Do you realise I've been
put in sole charge of...
385
00:21:03,846 --> 00:21:05,678
Ooh!
386
00:21:05,723 --> 00:21:07,680
[SCREAMING AND CRASHING
NOISE ON TV]
387
00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:09,682
[GLASS SHATTERING AND SCREAMS]
388
00:21:09,727 --> 00:21:11,684
[TV NOISE CONTINUES]
389
00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:18,525
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
390
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,613
C'mon, then, darlin'.
391
00:21:23,657 --> 00:21:25,944
- Oh, stop it, Ern.
- Why?
392
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,368
- Well, not 'ere.
- Why not?
393
00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:30,696
- Well, people might see.
- People?
394
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:32,809
[EXPLETIVE COVERED BY HOOTER]... the people!
395
00:21:32,833 --> 00:21:33,493
[SHOCKED GASPS]
396
00:21:33,709 --> 00:21:35,496
[ENGINE REVVING]
397
00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:38,875
LEONARD: I'd just like to get that boy
into my Scout troop.
398
00:21:40,382 --> 00:21:42,749
[ERN MONOLOGUE ON TV]
Most of the gang have a bang Saturday.
399
00:21:42,885 --> 00:21:45,002
I mean, what else is there
to bloody do?
400
00:21:45,179 --> 00:21:47,011
It's not for stirring your tea with!
401
00:21:48,390 --> 00:21:51,053
Let's face it - we're all the same.
402
00:21:51,101 --> 00:21:53,058
We're all randy bastards.
403
00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:54,890
Did you get that one, Maud?
404
00:21:54,939 --> 00:21:57,272
- Yes, which column?
- "Bastard", dear.
405
00:21:57,483 --> 00:22:00,317
That's fifteen "bloodys" and
five "bastards".
406
00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:02,019
I only counted four.
407
00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:04,314
There were five - don't you remember,
at the beginning?
408
00:22:04,365 --> 00:22:05,981
That was "bedstead".
409
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:08,567
Oh. Thank you, Daddy.
410
00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:11,077
I wondered what
a "brass bastard" was.
411
00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:15,077
Well, I suppose that's some
kind of symbolism.
412
00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:19,002
[TRAIN HORN SOUNDS ON TELEVISION]
413
00:22:23,425 --> 00:22:28,011
[SINGING]
"Think dirty, ah-ah"...
414
00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:30,012
[VOICEOVER: GIRL]
I think he loves me.
415
00:22:30,307 --> 00:22:32,799
[VOICEOVER: GIRL]
Well, he fancies me, anyway.
416
00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:36,808
[VOICEOVER: GIRL] Still, I suppose we
will get married one day.
417
00:22:37,398 --> 00:22:39,198
[VOICEOVER: GIRL]
Only we can't at the moment.
418
00:22:39,233 --> 00:22:41,233
[VOICEOVER: GIRL]
We're saving up for the abortion.
419
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:44,950
[INSIDE TEDDY'S HEAD]
Stuff marriage for a lark.
420
00:22:45,447 --> 00:22:48,567
[INSIDE TEDDY'S HEAD] Everyone goes on about
love, the vicar and Dad, an' that.
421
00:22:49,076 --> 00:22:51,236
[INSIDE TEDDY'S HEAD]
I don't know anythin' about love.
422
00:22:51,453 --> 00:22:52,806
[INSIDE TEDDY'S HEAD]
But I know what I like.
423
00:22:52,830 --> 00:22:55,243
[IMAGINARY VOICEOVER]
He likes McLaughlin's porridge!
424
00:22:55,499 --> 00:22:57,957
Remember, McLaughlin's porridge...
425
00:22:58,002 --> 00:23:00,961
...and you, too, can be
a randy bastard.
426
00:23:01,463 --> 00:23:06,254
[INSIDE TEDDY'S HEAD] Statistics show nine out
of ten randy bastards prefer McLaughlin's.
427
00:23:06,343 --> 00:23:07,903
COLONEL:
I think that speaks for itself.
428
00:23:07,970 --> 00:23:09,086
Very nasty.
429
00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:10,966
- The director's sight must...
- Disgusting.
430
00:23:11,015 --> 00:23:12,881
And I only hope the Queen wasn't watching.
431
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:15,971
Oh, I shouldn't think so, darling.
There's showjumping on the other channel.
432
00:23:16,103 --> 00:23:17,935
I didn't think it was very... healthy.
433
00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:19,645
- Did you, Teddy?
- No, no.
434
00:23:19,690 --> 00:23:21,022
Never is.
Not on a rubbish dump.
435
00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:23,378
- I mean, it's cold enough to freeze...
- Erm, there's plenty of tea for anyone...
436
00:23:23,402 --> 00:23:25,894
- ...who fancies it.
- Thank you, Liz.
437
00:23:26,447 --> 00:23:29,440
Now, Mr Brown, I don't think you've
really met everybody.
438
00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:31,733
- Er, Arthur and Hetty.
- Hullo, Arthur...
439
00:23:31,994 --> 00:23:33,951
- ...Hetty.
- Leonard, his daughter, Maud.
440
00:23:33,954 --> 00:23:34,819
Hello, Leonard and his daughter Maud.
441
00:23:34,872 --> 00:23:36,704
Er, Colonel Belper.
442
00:23:36,957 --> 00:23:38,823
- Our, er, militant.
- How d'you do.
443
00:23:38,876 --> 00:23:40,083
- Hello, militant.
- And, er...
444
00:23:40,127 --> 00:23:42,039
...I hope you'll call me Geoff...
445
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:43,087
...old chum.
446
00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:46,214
Hello, Geoff... old chum.
447
00:23:46,216 --> 00:23:47,172
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
448
00:23:47,217 --> 00:23:49,880
Look, I think we've got to move
immediately on this one.
449
00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:52,212
Degrading and un-English. Right?
450
00:23:52,389 --> 00:23:53,505
- Rather.
- Ah, super.
451
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:56,722
Erm, I think that's the feeling of the meeting.
And I think we should also...
452
00:23:56,769 --> 00:24:01,889
...bear down on the
sex-before-marriage emphasis.
453
00:24:02,691 --> 00:24:03,898
Agreed, Liz?
454
00:24:04,276 --> 00:24:08,737
Oh, well, yes, I don't think that
should be... encouraged.
455
00:24:09,031 --> 00:24:12,820
Right. Then, "Degrading and un-English
sex before marriage" it is.
456
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:14,822
- Will you call Trufitt?
- Mmm-hmm.
457
00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:23,952
[AWKWARD LAUGHTER]
458
00:24:24,838 --> 00:24:25,999
- May I?
- Oh.
459
00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:28,168
Be my guest.
[LAUGHTER]
460
00:24:29,301 --> 00:24:30,301
[CRASH]
461
00:24:30,427 --> 00:24:32,589
- Who are you calling, the Vatican?
- Our MP.
462
00:24:32,721 --> 00:24:34,587
Good chap. Right behind us.
463
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,723
Our vice-president.
Maud...
464
00:24:36,976 --> 00:24:40,811
- ...the usual letter to the BBC Board of Governors.
- Certainly, Colonel.
465
00:24:41,105 --> 00:24:42,892
And the Archbishop; and The Times.
466
00:24:43,023 --> 00:24:44,889
That's your department, Arthur and Hetty.
467
00:24:45,693 --> 00:24:48,436
You see? It's a question
of organisation.
468
00:24:48,654 --> 00:24:52,443
Making the voice of decency
and normality heard.
469
00:24:53,659 --> 00:24:54,659
Mellish here.
470
00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:56,609
England Clean, England Strong.
471
00:24:56,745 --> 00:25:00,864
Yes. Now, look, it's about that effort
on the television tonight.
472
00:25:02,001 --> 00:25:05,460
Yes, the moral fibre of our island race...
yes, yes, I know the form, yes.
473
00:25:07,339 --> 00:25:10,628
Oh, don't worry. I shall come down heavily
on pre-marital intercourse.
474
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:12,760
Oh, goodnight.
475
00:25:14,388 --> 00:25:15,388
Now...
476
00:25:15,889 --> 00:25:17,255
...where were we, Elvira?
477
00:25:17,391 --> 00:25:20,429
My name's Janine, Mr Trufitt, sir.
478
00:25:21,311 --> 00:25:23,143
Well, don't let split hairs.
[SHE GIGGLES]
479
00:25:24,189 --> 00:25:25,396
He fancies you, you know?
480
00:25:25,816 --> 00:25:27,398
- Who?
- Geoff.
481
00:25:28,235 --> 00:25:30,067
That long, thin streak of holy water.
482
00:25:30,487 --> 00:25:32,069
Oh, Teddy, he's a priest.
483
00:25:32,281 --> 00:25:34,022
So was Rasputin.
484
00:25:34,074 --> 00:25:36,031
Just because he's masculine and...
485
00:25:36,076 --> 00:25:38,614
...the athletic type, and those nice,
white teeth.
486
00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:39,322
[TEDDY MUTTERS VICIOUSLY TO HIMSELF]
487
00:25:39,580 --> 00:25:40,616
What did you say?
488
00:25:41,081 --> 00:25:43,994
Never mind. I'll, er...
tick it off on Maud's list.
489
00:25:44,209 --> 00:25:45,996
Tick 'em both off, they come in pairs.
490
00:25:46,503 --> 00:25:47,943
You didn't like any of them,
did you?
491
00:25:48,005 --> 00:25:51,169
Well, they're not exactly the
"fun people". I mean...
492
00:25:51,341 --> 00:25:53,778
- ...if you really want to know what I think, Liz...
- It doesn't matter what we think of them...
493
00:25:53,802 --> 00:25:57,091
...personally. It's what they're trying to
do that's important.
494
00:25:57,848 --> 00:25:58,884
Important?
495
00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:00,256
[CLASH OF POTS]
496
00:26:00,392 --> 00:26:02,884
Are those the... sacred writings?
497
00:26:04,063 --> 00:26:07,602
It's the Society's petition. I've promised
to get fifty signatures for it.
498
00:26:08,650 --> 00:26:12,690
"We, the undersigned, are increasingly disturbed
by the amount of programmes on television"...
499
00:26:12,863 --> 00:26:15,401
..."whose tendencies are
licentious, salacious"...
500
00:26:15,574 --> 00:26:18,157
..."blasphemous, lascivious and purient."
501
00:26:18,285 --> 00:26:19,651
Prurient.
502
00:26:21,538 --> 00:26:22,538
So it is.
503
00:26:22,998 --> 00:26:24,739
"Prurient". What's it mean?
504
00:26:25,209 --> 00:26:27,970
I dunno. You're the one that's
collecting fifty signatures against it.
505
00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:31,004
[JANGLING]
506
00:26:34,009 --> 00:26:36,626
- Do we even know fifty people?
- You don't have to.
507
00:26:36,762 --> 00:26:38,719
I'm going to canvas from door to door.
508
00:26:39,014 --> 00:26:40,014
Ooh-hoo. Door to door.
509
00:26:42,476 --> 00:26:43,887
Liz, Liz.
510
00:26:49,024 --> 00:26:51,232
'Ow about a slice of the ol'
prurient then, eh, darlin'?
511
00:26:51,276 --> 00:26:53,630
Eh? 'Ow about it, now, darlin'? 'Ow
about a slice of the... [LIZ GROANS]
512
00:26:53,654 --> 00:26:55,611
- Teddy!
- Fancy a bit of the prurient?
513
00:26:55,864 --> 00:26:57,605
No, not... not...
514
00:26:57,658 --> 00:26:59,240
Not tonight.
515
00:27:02,538 --> 00:27:03,538
Tired?
516
00:27:03,872 --> 00:27:05,909
No, it's not that, it's...
517
00:27:06,792 --> 00:27:08,832
If we're going to do this thing
properly, darling...
518
00:27:09,711 --> 00:27:11,623
...I think... well...
519
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:14,463
...I think it's got to be reflected
from within ourselves...
520
00:27:15,217 --> 00:27:16,217
..as well.
521
00:27:16,260 --> 00:27:18,001
- I mean...
- Look, love, it... [HE SIGHS]
522
00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:20,549
It's pre-marital they're talking about.
523
00:27:21,056 --> 00:27:24,470
Pre-marital. I mean, post-marital
is all right. Fine. Lovely.
524
00:27:25,102 --> 00:27:26,468
Even the Queen does that!
525
00:27:28,063 --> 00:27:30,646
[CHEERFUL MUSIC]
526
00:27:32,025 --> 00:27:35,268
"Think dirty."
527
00:27:39,908 --> 00:27:42,946
"Think dirty."
528
00:28:32,336 --> 00:28:33,336
Ooh!
529
00:28:38,175 --> 00:28:40,713
"Think dirty."
530
00:28:42,179 --> 00:28:45,422
"Think dirty."
531
00:28:45,557 --> 00:28:50,177
[TV SOUND: FLUTE MUSIC AND
GOATS BLEATING]
532
00:28:50,354 --> 00:28:52,095
[BABY CRIES]
533
00:28:52,439 --> 00:28:54,647
VOICEOVER: "In the mountains of Macedonia"...
534
00:28:54,775 --> 00:28:57,688
..."where porridge is the staple diet
of the picturesque"...
535
00:28:57,778 --> 00:29:01,397
..."nomad tribes, it's not
unusual for virility"...
536
00:29:01,406 --> 00:29:03,944
..."to continue to a ripe old age."
537
00:29:04,201 --> 00:29:05,942
"What Macedonia can do"...
538
00:29:06,119 --> 00:29:08,327
..."McLaughlin's has done better."
539
00:29:08,872 --> 00:29:13,037
[SINGING]
"Yes, bonnie girls and bonnie boys"...
540
00:29:13,126 --> 00:29:19,544
..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge."
541
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:25,256
All right, Frank, hit me.
542
00:29:27,391 --> 00:29:30,225
What I read in that - and correct me
if I'm off-beam...
543
00:29:30,394 --> 00:29:32,977
...the general motivational concept
that I detected there...
544
00:29:33,063 --> 00:29:36,227
...deduced - intuited, perhaps - was...
545
00:29:36,316 --> 00:29:38,649
...and don't hesitate to
shoot me down if I'm wrong...
546
00:29:40,070 --> 00:29:41,070
...sex?
547
00:29:41,947 --> 00:29:45,486
Teddy... Teddy, what can you do with a
guy like this, huh?
548
00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:47,358
I dunno. You work.
549
00:29:47,577 --> 00:29:49,990
You research.
You conceptualise.
550
00:29:50,455 --> 00:29:51,991
And, pow! He walks in...
551
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,453
...and lands smack dab in the
middle of the target.
552
00:29:54,501 --> 00:29:56,959
Was it, was it really so
obvious, Frank?
553
00:29:57,254 --> 00:30:00,918
- I mean, would the great mass of ordinary people..?
- No, no.
554
00:30:01,008 --> 00:30:02,544
No, I don't think THEY would.
555
00:30:02,968 --> 00:30:04,834
I just happen to have this...
556
00:30:05,304 --> 00:30:06,715
So you like it, huh?
557
00:30:07,389 --> 00:30:09,051
Well, in principle.
558
00:30:09,516 --> 00:30:11,883
Sex as a function for rationalising the...
559
00:30:11,977 --> 00:30:14,060
...frozen porridge-buying
mechanism, yes.
560
00:30:14,438 --> 00:30:16,771
That has got a visionary quality.
561
00:30:16,940 --> 00:30:19,603
- Thank you.
- But, specifically, not enough yoomph.
562
00:30:19,901 --> 00:30:22,109
- Not enough..?
- Yoomph.
563
00:30:22,279 --> 00:30:23,736
- Y-double-O-M-P-H.
- Yes, yes.
564
00:30:23,905 --> 00:30:26,113
And I use the word in its
testicular sense.
565
00:30:26,199 --> 00:30:26,734
Ah.
566
00:30:27,034 --> 00:30:29,321
What we need is that - but more.
567
00:30:29,494 --> 00:30:31,326
You understand? An equivalent...
568
00:30:31,663 --> 00:30:32,904
...but superior.
569
00:30:33,290 --> 00:30:35,282
Are you getting all this, Teddy?
It's invaluable.
570
00:30:35,459 --> 00:30:38,952
Yeah, look, Mr Chandler, I think maybe
you've got the wrong guy for the job.
571
00:30:39,296 --> 00:30:40,958
Nat! You assured me.
572
00:30:41,340 --> 00:30:42,956
"Wrong guy for the job"!?
573
00:30:42,966 --> 00:30:47,301
[NAT LAUGHS]
He's kidding you, he's putting you...
574
00:30:47,429 --> 00:30:49,295
Aren't they all the same, Frank?
575
00:30:49,806 --> 00:30:52,298
I mean, these really
ballsy ones, huh?
576
00:30:52,476 --> 00:30:54,934
I mean, your true studs.
577
00:30:55,187 --> 00:30:59,602
The strange diffidence. I'm tellin' ya, this kid
reminds me so much of me...
578
00:30:59,691 --> 00:31:02,308
...it's... and may I say it, Frank...
579
00:31:04,237 --> 00:31:05,237
...of you.
580
00:31:05,989 --> 00:31:07,776
And she just walked out on you?
581
00:31:08,575 --> 00:31:11,864
Mrs Brown, I'm sorry, you'll have to elaborate.
I don't like mysteries.
582
00:31:12,162 --> 00:31:14,199
It's not a mystery, it was just...
583
00:31:14,247 --> 00:31:15,829
...a misunderstanding.
584
00:31:15,957 --> 00:31:20,076
Mrs Levin, I was recommended to you by the
mother of one of my son's school friends.
585
00:31:20,337 --> 00:31:21,337
Mrs Rubens.
586
00:31:21,546 --> 00:31:23,538
Oh, Mrs Rubens!
587
00:31:23,673 --> 00:31:26,131
Such a nice woman. A lady.
588
00:31:26,218 --> 00:31:28,961
And her husband a dentist.
What a clever man.
589
00:31:29,012 --> 00:31:31,470
I wouldn't put my teeth in
anybody else's hands.
590
00:31:31,807 --> 00:31:35,175
So... particulars, please.
591
00:31:35,352 --> 00:31:37,912
- Well, the sort of girl I'm looking fo...
- If you don't mind...
592
00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:40,388
...not about her - you.
593
00:31:41,191 --> 00:31:45,026
I have to be very careful the sort of
homes my au pair girls go into.
594
00:31:45,404 --> 00:31:47,566
What part, for instance,
are you living?
595
00:31:47,739 --> 00:31:48,946
Florian Avenue.
596
00:31:49,449 --> 00:31:50,449
I know it.
597
00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:54,243
Quite pleasant. Not marvellous,
but if you're happy...
598
00:31:54,621 --> 00:31:56,578
For myself, I prefer Loxley Way.
599
00:31:57,249 --> 00:31:59,081
- Bedrooms?
- Of course.
600
00:31:59,459 --> 00:32:01,075
- How many?
- Four.
601
00:32:01,962 --> 00:32:03,373
Plus the girl's?
602
00:32:04,631 --> 00:32:05,917
Including the girl's.
603
00:32:06,675 --> 00:32:08,416
And her quarters are comfortable?
604
00:32:08,677 --> 00:32:11,886
Oh, well, it's not exactly "quarters".
A quarter.
605
00:32:13,598 --> 00:32:14,598
A bedroom.
606
00:32:15,225 --> 00:32:18,309
And, and we've only got one
child, Richard. He's eleven, but...
607
00:32:18,478 --> 00:32:20,219
- ...really no trouble.
- Only one child?
608
00:32:20,272 --> 00:32:22,730
Tell me, more you don't want
or you can't manage?
609
00:32:23,525 --> 00:32:25,608
We manage very nicely.
610
00:32:25,861 --> 00:32:27,853
I have to ask - you must understand.
611
00:32:28,447 --> 00:32:31,940
I do only a very superior
type of girl from here.
612
00:32:32,284 --> 00:32:35,152
It's a responsibility, the right
homes for them.
613
00:32:35,912 --> 00:32:36,912
Mrs Brown...
614
00:32:37,581 --> 00:32:41,325
...if I was to tell you,
you wouldn't believe.
615
00:32:41,877 --> 00:32:46,713
If you knew the type of situation an
au pair girl can get herself into...
616
00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:49,298
[DRAMATIC MUSIC, THUNDER AND SCREAMING ON TV]
617
00:32:58,393 --> 00:33:00,851
GO AWAY! GET AWAY!
618
00:33:01,521 --> 00:33:02,807
NO!
619
00:33:04,191 --> 00:33:06,057
Leave me alone!
620
00:33:06,151 --> 00:33:08,063
Leave me! GET AWAY!
621
00:33:08,487 --> 00:33:10,820
[TEARING FABRIC AND SCREAMING]
622
00:33:12,032 --> 00:33:13,944
[DOOR CREAKING AND THUNDER]
623
00:33:16,411 --> 00:33:20,701
[INSIDE TEDDY'S MIND]
"Think dirty."
624
00:33:20,916 --> 00:33:23,499
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
625
00:33:27,214 --> 00:33:28,625
Not yet, Otto.
626
00:33:28,882 --> 00:33:31,295
I'll tell you when, my beauty.
627
00:33:33,011 --> 00:33:36,220
Back. Back.
[GRUNTS]
628
00:33:36,431 --> 00:33:38,218
[CREATURE MOANS]
629
00:33:46,024 --> 00:33:47,481
To your quarters.
630
00:33:47,692 --> 00:33:52,153
[THUNDER RUMBLES]
631
00:33:57,827 --> 00:34:00,695
[SCREAMING]
He's a brutish animal, my dear...
632
00:34:00,914 --> 00:34:02,655
...but loyal. Come.
633
00:34:03,250 --> 00:34:04,250
Come...
634
00:34:04,334 --> 00:34:07,293
...you can make an old vampire
very happy, my dear.
635
00:34:07,379 --> 00:34:08,039
NO!
636
00:34:08,088 --> 00:34:10,330
Ah! You find me repulsive,
do you?
637
00:34:11,132 --> 00:34:14,591
I've something here which'll soon
make you change your mind.
638
00:34:21,351 --> 00:34:24,640
One taste of this and you'll be
panting for me touch.
639
00:34:24,688 --> 00:34:28,022
[SCREAMING]
640
00:34:29,859 --> 00:34:34,149
McLaughlin's... the monster-sized
family breakfast.
641
00:34:34,197 --> 00:34:35,197
Mmmmm.
642
00:34:35,824 --> 00:34:37,565
Bloody good!
643
00:34:38,493 --> 00:34:41,110
[DRAMATIC STING]
644
00:34:41,121 --> 00:34:43,363
Think that's all we need.
645
00:34:45,584 --> 00:34:46,290
Hang on!
646
00:34:46,334 --> 00:34:48,291
What d'you think you're doing?
647
00:34:48,461 --> 00:34:50,077
I was just enjoying that.
648
00:34:51,381 --> 00:34:52,381
Enjoying?
649
00:34:52,549 --> 00:34:54,256
Don't be childish, Teddy!
650
00:34:54,342 --> 00:34:56,237
Wh-what you mean, "childish"?
He was just about...
651
00:34:56,261 --> 00:34:58,253
It was just getting to the most
exciting part.
652
00:34:59,472 --> 00:35:01,200
Why can't the Committee go and
watch it at your house?
653
00:35:01,224 --> 00:35:04,024
I haven't got a set. Wouldn't have one of
the damn things in the house.
654
00:35:04,227 --> 00:35:08,688
None of us has. Quite apart from the
moral dangers, we do feel that it, er...
655
00:35:08,982 --> 00:35:10,564
...kills the art of conversation.
656
00:35:10,984 --> 00:35:12,920
- Well, isn't that bloody marvellous, eh?
- Teddy!
657
00:35:12,944 --> 00:35:14,984
No, no. that's all right.
Do converse, by all means.
658
00:35:15,030 --> 00:35:16,737
I'll withdraw. Don't worry.
659
00:35:16,990 --> 00:35:19,357
Excuse me, old chum.
[CLATTER]
660
00:35:21,494 --> 00:35:22,154
Oh..!
661
00:35:22,203 --> 00:35:25,321
Right, then. Maud - the usual letter
to the Archbishop.
662
00:35:25,749 --> 00:35:27,706
And this time, one to the Chief Rabbi, too.
663
00:35:27,792 --> 00:35:29,283
Might as well conscript the Yids.
664
00:35:29,336 --> 00:35:30,747
It shall be done, Colonel.
665
00:35:30,837 --> 00:35:33,875
Arthur, Hetty - Director General
of the BBC...
666
00:35:33,923 --> 00:35:36,040
...Postmaster General, House of Lords.
667
00:35:36,092 --> 00:35:38,049
- Mellish?
- I'm onto it, old chum.
668
00:35:38,386 --> 00:35:40,093
What's the emphasis, then?
669
00:35:40,639 --> 00:35:43,598
- Sadism?
- Outright sadistic ripping off of clothes...
670
00:35:43,725 --> 00:35:46,342
...and exposing of flesh of a
tied-up girl...
671
00:35:46,978 --> 00:35:48,310
...struggling...
672
00:35:48,897 --> 00:35:50,308
...quivering...
673
00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:52,310
...helpless.
674
00:35:53,777 --> 00:35:54,563
Oh, hello.
675
00:35:54,778 --> 00:35:55,985
It's Mellish here.
676
00:35:56,863 --> 00:35:57,979
Salacious what?
677
00:35:59,157 --> 00:36:00,157
Oh.
678
00:36:00,742 --> 00:36:03,200
Well, yes, yes - of course it's
serious, yes.
679
00:36:04,245 --> 00:36:05,326
No, no, no, don't worry.
680
00:36:05,914 --> 00:36:07,325
I know the drill.
681
00:36:09,334 --> 00:36:10,916
Oh, goodnight, goodnight.
682
00:36:12,545 --> 00:36:13,545
[SIGHS]
683
00:36:14,089 --> 00:36:15,671
Sorry about that, Elvira.
684
00:36:16,091 --> 00:36:18,299
But my name's Rosie,
Mr Trufitt.
685
00:36:18,510 --> 00:36:20,297
Oh, shut up.
686
00:36:21,429 --> 00:36:23,386
- You behaved disgustingly tonight.
- Mmm-hmm.
687
00:36:23,765 --> 00:36:25,381
- It was quite unforgiveable.
- Good.
688
00:36:25,475 --> 00:36:27,683
Everybody was extrememly
embarrassed and upset.
689
00:36:27,769 --> 00:36:29,260
The evening hasn't been a dead loss.
690
00:36:30,980 --> 00:36:33,973
If films like that get an X-certificate
at the cinema, how can they...
691
00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:36,337
...possibly be shown on television,
where there are children...
692
00:36:36,361 --> 00:36:37,772
For God's sake, Liz.
693
00:36:38,488 --> 00:36:40,946
They're just fairy tales.
That's all horror films are.
694
00:36:41,032 --> 00:36:42,148
Children love 'em.
695
00:36:42,409 --> 00:36:44,526
I mean, it's like trying to
censor Goldilocks.
696
00:36:44,786 --> 00:36:45,786
Well...
697
00:36:46,621 --> 00:36:47,782
...as it happens...
698
00:36:48,081 --> 00:36:49,641
...Leonard and Maud did publish a book.
699
00:36:50,041 --> 00:36:51,953
They called it "Revised Children's Stories".
700
00:36:52,252 --> 00:36:54,995
- Taking the doubtful elements out.
- Out of Goldilocks!?
701
00:36:55,296 --> 00:36:56,912
I don't believe it!
702
00:36:58,591 --> 00:37:00,958
- I love it!
- It's all very well to sneer.
703
00:37:01,428 --> 00:37:03,465
But when you think about Goldilocks...
704
00:37:06,433 --> 00:37:09,517
...bed business... small girl...
705
00:37:09,602 --> 00:37:11,685
- Small girl.
- ...even the very word.
706
00:37:12,439 --> 00:37:13,680
- "Bear".
- "Bear"?
707
00:37:15,066 --> 00:37:17,729
Bed. Small girl. Animals.
708
00:37:18,570 --> 00:37:19,570
Small girl?
709
00:37:19,738 --> 00:37:20,738
Bed?
710
00:37:20,989 --> 00:37:21,989
Goldilocks.
711
00:37:22,866 --> 00:37:23,902
Goldilocks!
712
00:37:23,950 --> 00:37:28,570
[DREAMY MUSIC]
"Goldilocks..."
713
00:37:29,581 --> 00:37:34,167
"Goldilocks."
714
00:37:34,961 --> 00:37:38,796
That's it! That's it! That's it! Ha, ha, ha!
Goldilocks does it!
715
00:37:39,340 --> 00:37:41,457
Oh, she doesn't.
[HE SNIGGERS]
716
00:37:42,802 --> 00:37:46,421
FATHER BEAR:
Who's been eating my porridge?
717
00:37:48,308 --> 00:37:52,928
MOTHER BEAR:
Who's been sitting in my chair?
718
00:37:54,647 --> 00:37:58,982
BABY BEAR:
Who's been sleeping in my bed?
719
00:37:59,027 --> 00:38:00,984
[SEDUCTIVE MUSIC]
720
00:38:01,362 --> 00:38:04,901
THREE BEARS: It's GOLDILOCKS!
721
00:38:04,949 --> 00:38:06,690
That's it, Bernard, thank you.
722
00:38:09,037 --> 00:38:09,743
Well, now...
723
00:38:10,038 --> 00:38:13,907
...that's the synopsis Literary Department did
for us on the basic Goldilocks plot.
724
00:38:15,919 --> 00:38:17,330
I think it's lovely.
725
00:38:18,463 --> 00:38:20,045
Um... sure.
726
00:38:20,507 --> 00:38:23,716
Uh, however, Teddy here has had
two psychiatrists and...
727
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:26,503
...four sexual researchers do
a complete analysis on it.
728
00:38:26,679 --> 00:38:29,547
According to them, Frank, the story's
fundamentally... filthy.
729
00:38:29,724 --> 00:38:30,805
Oh, no!
730
00:38:31,142 --> 00:38:33,537
- I never realised.
- Well, why do you think that fairytale's...
731
00:38:33,561 --> 00:38:35,928
...been around so long, Frank?
Goldilocks is a hit.
732
00:38:36,189 --> 00:38:38,055
If you grub around in its
erotic undertones.
733
00:38:38,107 --> 00:38:39,769
I mean, those bears are as
kinky as hell.
734
00:38:39,901 --> 00:38:42,439
- Oh, they're not!
- How about this for over-reaction.
735
00:38:42,529 --> 00:38:43,690
Need any more convincing?
736
00:38:43,822 --> 00:38:46,109
- I think we're on course!
- You bet we are.
737
00:38:46,157 --> 00:38:48,945
And every word of my research
confirms it. Teddy typed it up.
738
00:38:49,035 --> 00:38:52,153
Make something of Goldilocks, you're
onto a sexual gold mine.
739
00:38:52,705 --> 00:38:53,705
Brown.
740
00:38:54,499 --> 00:38:55,910
All systems go.
741
00:38:56,251 --> 00:38:58,288
Laughlin's Porridge one, take eighteen.
742
00:38:59,754 --> 00:39:00,754
Action!
743
00:39:03,216 --> 00:39:05,629
Who's been eating my porridge?
744
00:39:07,887 --> 00:39:10,470
I 'ave, Goldilocks, an' it's great!
745
00:39:11,516 --> 00:39:12,516
DIRECTOR: Cut it!
746
00:39:13,560 --> 00:39:15,142
Well, what's the matter with that one?
747
00:39:15,395 --> 00:39:16,622
Fought it seemed quite natural.
748
00:39:16,646 --> 00:39:18,541
- DIRECTOR: Kill the red light.
- [KAPLAN MUMBLES] What?
749
00:39:18,565 --> 00:39:20,306
[BELL RINGS]
Get another two.
750
00:39:20,358 --> 00:39:21,358
TEDDY: Get another two.
751
00:39:22,318 --> 00:39:24,685
Who's been eating my porridge?
752
00:39:24,863 --> 00:39:26,983
[EFFEMINATE VOICE]
I have, Goldilocks, and it's great.
753
00:39:27,615 --> 00:39:28,615
DIRECTOR: Cut!
754
00:39:28,825 --> 00:39:30,745
What was wrong with that, sweet?
Was I too butch?
755
00:39:31,119 --> 00:39:33,327
- Two bells a moment, please.
- Teddy...
756
00:39:33,788 --> 00:39:35,780
...get another two.
[BELL RINGING]
757
00:39:37,250 --> 00:39:45,215
[GENTLE, LILTING MUSIC]
758
00:39:48,678 --> 00:39:51,967
[BREATHILY]
Who's been eating my... porridge?
759
00:39:54,517 --> 00:39:56,179
I have, Goldilocks.
760
00:39:56,269 --> 00:40:01,640
And it's great.
[SINGING] "Yes, bonnie girls and bonnie boys"...
761
00:40:01,983 --> 00:40:07,195
..."eat McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge."
762
00:40:14,287 --> 00:40:15,528
Well, Mr McLaughlin?
763
00:40:21,377 --> 00:40:22,663
Uh, if I may...
764
00:40:27,008 --> 00:40:28,374
Let the wee fella tell me.
765
00:40:29,385 --> 00:40:30,385
Sure. Well...
766
00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:32,215
...you see, it's, ah...
767
00:40:33,056 --> 00:40:35,298
...Make Porridge Sexy.
768
00:40:37,310 --> 00:40:38,310
That, that's all.
769
00:40:40,396 --> 00:40:41,396
That's all.
770
00:40:41,940 --> 00:40:42,940
"Sexy".
771
00:40:43,566 --> 00:40:44,773
Mah porridge!
772
00:40:45,193 --> 00:40:46,775
Aye.
[BANG]
773
00:40:47,111 --> 00:40:48,111
Sexy?!
774
00:40:51,532 --> 00:40:52,532
These?
775
00:40:52,909 --> 00:40:55,822
They're about as sexy as the
Loch Ness Monster.
776
00:40:59,582 --> 00:41:00,663
Wee man...
777
00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:03,242
...I want a Goldilocks who's REAL sexy.
778
00:41:03,753 --> 00:41:07,838
I want a lass that'll scorch the sporran
off a dead Highlander.
779
00:41:08,591 --> 00:41:10,548
[DRUM ROLL]
780
00:41:11,552 --> 00:41:12,821
Well, we could run a competition.
781
00:41:12,845 --> 00:41:15,132
- Competition?
- A competiton, yes.
782
00:41:15,181 --> 00:41:18,845
- Yes, a nationwide competition!
- Ah, ha, ha! Entry fee...
783
00:41:18,851 --> 00:41:20,968
- ...one McLaughlin's box top.
- Twa.
784
00:41:20,979 --> 00:41:21,685
- Twa?
- What?!
785
00:41:21,729 --> 00:41:23,561
- Two.
- I... Oh, twa.
786
00:41:23,815 --> 00:41:26,273
- Yes.
- Are YOU the McLaughlin's Goldilocks girl?
787
00:41:26,317 --> 00:41:28,045
We'll comb the whole of England.
- Ah, ha, ha, ha!
788
00:41:28,069 --> 00:41:29,685
- Yeah!
- What is he thinking?
789
00:41:29,737 --> 00:41:31,715
- United Kingdom.
- The United Kingdom. Let me tell you what...
790
00:41:31,739 --> 00:41:34,447
...in America, in America, it has to be oatmeal.
[ALL TALKING]
791
00:41:34,450 --> 00:41:36,442
It'll never sell if it's not oatmeal
in America.
792
00:41:36,953 --> 00:41:39,616
- Please remember that. It's very important...
- You.
793
00:41:39,706 --> 00:41:41,146
The wee one. Here.
[THEY FALL SILENT]
794
00:41:42,208 --> 00:41:43,208
- Go.
- Ooh.
795
00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:49,212
And mind, she's to be a
bobby dazzler.
796
00:41:49,799 --> 00:41:50,799
Tall.
797
00:41:51,259 --> 00:41:52,500
Long legs.
798
00:41:52,885 --> 00:41:55,218
Long, long legs.
799
00:41:55,430 --> 00:41:59,219
Great, drowning eyes, a shine
on her hair.
800
00:41:59,350 --> 00:42:01,307
And bosoms...
801
00:42:01,436 --> 00:42:05,976
...bosoms that our wee friend here
could get buried in.
802
00:42:11,863 --> 00:42:14,071
Inga Giltenburg of Stockholm.
803
00:42:14,574 --> 00:42:16,065
From Mrs Levin.
804
00:42:16,659 --> 00:42:17,659
"Giltenburg"?
805
00:42:18,995 --> 00:42:19,995
"Giltenburg"..?
806
00:42:21,622 --> 00:42:24,615
[IMAGINARY VOICEOVER]
Mount Giltenburg.
807
00:42:24,667 --> 00:42:27,159
[HOWLING WIND]
808
00:42:27,545 --> 00:42:28,661
Brown...
809
00:42:29,130 --> 00:42:30,871
...I said it would be madness...
810
00:42:30,965 --> 00:42:35,005
...to try to mount the Giltenburg
by the north route.
811
00:42:35,136 --> 00:42:39,471
Keep climbing, McLaughlin.
But whatever you do...
812
00:42:39,557 --> 00:42:41,674
...don't look down.
813
00:42:42,727 --> 00:42:44,810
I can't hang on, Brown.
814
00:42:44,854 --> 00:42:47,346
I'm slipping. Help!
815
00:42:47,899 --> 00:42:53,190
Heeelp!!
[CACKLE FADES AS WIND HOWLS]
816
00:42:53,362 --> 00:42:58,198
Poor devil. Somehow, though, I think
he'd like to have gone that way.
817
00:42:58,618 --> 00:43:00,325
C'mon, man, climb!
818
00:43:00,453 --> 00:43:02,490
CLIMB!
[SHOUT ECHOING]
819
00:43:08,252 --> 00:43:11,211
- Why did we do it, Brown? Why?
- Why?
820
00:43:11,255 --> 00:43:11,915
Why?!
821
00:43:12,006 --> 00:43:13,918
- Why?
- Aye, why?
822
00:43:13,966 --> 00:43:16,504
Because... it was there!
823
00:43:16,552 --> 00:43:20,171
[STIRRING MUSIC]
824
00:43:24,018 --> 00:43:26,305
[FEEBLE LAUGHTER]
Come in.
825
00:43:26,813 --> 00:43:27,813
Come in.
826
00:43:31,025 --> 00:43:32,561
LIZ: I hope she'll work out.
827
00:43:33,861 --> 00:43:35,272
Course she will.
Why shouldn't she?
828
00:43:35,363 --> 00:43:38,197
Well, she's not exactly... demure.
829
00:43:38,991 --> 00:43:40,903
Hey, Dad - seen the new au pair?
830
00:43:41,035 --> 00:43:42,947
She's fantastic! What a dolly bird.
831
00:43:42,995 --> 00:43:43,735
Richard, eat.
832
00:43:43,913 --> 00:43:46,155
- Just wait till the Club hears about this!
- Eat!
833
00:43:49,001 --> 00:43:52,165
- It's porridge.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
834
00:43:52,505 --> 00:43:53,746
It's just porridge.
835
00:43:54,966 --> 00:43:56,002
"Just porridge"..?
836
00:43:56,717 --> 00:44:01,132
[SINGING - VOICES HARMONISING]
"Where is she?"
837
00:44:01,222 --> 00:44:02,241
[VOICEOVER]
Yes, where is she?
838
00:44:02,265 --> 00:44:05,258
Where's the lucky girl who's going to
be McLaughlin's Miss Goldilocks?
839
00:44:05,518 --> 00:44:06,998
Miss Goldilocks could be your wife...
840
00:44:07,103 --> 00:44:08,956
...your sister, your daughter,
your sweetheart...
841
00:44:08,980 --> 00:44:10,187
...or even the girl next door.
842
00:44:10,314 --> 00:44:12,806
As long as she's beautiful.
Simply send us a photograph...
843
00:44:12,859 --> 00:44:16,398
...along with two box tops from a packet
of McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge...
844
00:44:16,445 --> 00:44:19,358
...and help her win fame, fortune,
the prizes of a lifetime.
845
00:44:19,615 --> 00:44:23,359
Remember, McLaughlin's is
searching for... Miss Goldilocks!
846
00:44:25,329 --> 00:44:26,329
Ta, love.
847
00:44:26,372 --> 00:44:27,808
Hey, look, you didn't mind me
coming up here...
848
00:44:27,832 --> 00:44:29,118
- ...to watch that..?
- No, not at all.
849
00:44:29,125 --> 00:44:30,866
Ta. Only I've got...
850
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:33,577
...Mellish's rat pack downstairs again
in my living room.
851
00:44:34,714 --> 00:44:35,795
Watching BBC Two.
852
00:44:36,716 --> 00:44:38,082
Oh, God. They're still at it.
853
00:44:38,467 --> 00:44:40,254
Sex in Samoa.
[HAWAIIAN MUSIC FROM TV]
854
00:44:40,469 --> 00:44:42,381
Well, Maud, what's the score?
855
00:44:42,471 --> 00:44:44,383
Er, seventeen breasts.
856
00:44:44,515 --> 00:44:46,472
- Seventeen?
- Pairs, I mean.
857
00:44:47,018 --> 00:44:48,930
- Eleven thighs.
- Yes, yes.
858
00:44:48,978 --> 00:44:51,595
Fourteen lower abdomens.
[INTAKE OF BREATH]
859
00:44:51,856 --> 00:44:55,270
Six miscellaneous, and I couldn't
keep track of the navels.
860
00:44:55,318 --> 00:44:58,686
- I think there were about thirty.
- Thirty-seven, to be exact.
861
00:44:58,863 --> 00:45:02,402
It... er, at a rough guess.
862
00:45:02,783 --> 00:45:04,149
- Mellish?
- Mmm.
863
00:45:04,202 --> 00:45:07,570
Before I telephone I think there's
something else we ought to discuss.
864
00:45:07,705 --> 00:45:10,539
Our two delegates for the
annual conference...
865
00:45:10,583 --> 00:45:11,164
- ...this year.
- Oh!
866
00:45:11,209 --> 00:45:12,666
- Hear, hear!
- Jolly good idea.
867
00:45:18,925 --> 00:45:20,416
[HE GIVES A LITTLE LAUGH]
868
00:45:20,801 --> 00:45:22,417
Would you like a Swedish chocolate?
869
00:45:22,720 --> 00:45:25,133
Uh... n-n-no, no, thanks.
870
00:45:27,141 --> 00:45:28,141
Delicioius.
871
00:45:33,064 --> 00:45:34,064
[HE DRAWS HIS BREATH]
872
00:45:34,148 --> 00:45:35,980
- You do not like that one?
- Oh, er...
873
00:45:36,108 --> 00:45:39,943
No, no! No, it's lov... lovely.
It, it, it's a very good likeness.
874
00:45:40,446 --> 00:45:41,446
I, I, I imagine.
875
00:45:41,781 --> 00:45:45,866
- Ha, ha, I imagine it's a good likeness, ha, ha!
- Is it because I am untired?
876
00:45:45,910 --> 00:45:48,118
Uh, er... "un-attired".
877
00:45:48,371 --> 00:45:52,240
Hmm. Only, erm, we don't go in much
for that in England, you see.
878
00:45:52,750 --> 00:45:54,958
Over here, erm, nudity...
879
00:45:55,211 --> 00:45:56,952
...stands for, um...
880
00:45:57,338 --> 00:45:58,338
...sex.
881
00:45:58,714 --> 00:46:01,331
You mean here in England
you stand for sex?
882
00:46:01,550 --> 00:46:03,712
Yee... nnuh... well...
883
00:46:03,886 --> 00:46:08,096
...ah-haah... n-not always.
[PEAL OF NERVOUS LAUGHTER]
884
00:46:08,307 --> 00:46:09,923
[HYSTERICAL WHIMPERING]
885
00:46:11,352 --> 00:46:17,474
[LUSH, DREAMY MUSIC AND BIRDSONG]
886
00:46:24,699 --> 00:46:27,316
[INSIDE TEDDY'S HEAD: SCANDINAVIAN VOICEOVER]
887
00:46:27,368 --> 00:46:31,362
The pleasures of disporting among the
Swedish flora and fauna...
888
00:46:31,539 --> 00:46:35,408
...have been extolled by
every great Scandinavian poet...
889
00:46:35,459 --> 00:46:39,294
...novelist, composer, and
furniture designer.
890
00:46:39,588 --> 00:46:41,295
Such household names as...
891
00:46:41,340 --> 00:46:46,586
...Bjorn Bjornemann, Gunnar Nyhammer,
Bengt Jensen and Ole Klink...
892
00:46:46,679 --> 00:46:52,971
..and Karl Rutscheggrige-Gronedeljaegerenalospienbrockbandehorle the Younger.
893
00:46:53,811 --> 00:46:57,475
All have sung praises to our
verdant outdoors.
894
00:46:58,357 --> 00:46:59,751
[PLAYFUL PASTORAL MUSIC]
In this Sweden...
895
00:46:59,775 --> 00:47:02,188
...untouched by war for centuries...
896
00:47:02,695 --> 00:47:06,029
...we are rightly proud of our
social services...
897
00:47:06,073 --> 00:47:11,489
...our sexual freedom, our open sandwiches,
and our suicide rate...
898
00:47:11,746 --> 00:47:14,159
...which is the highest in the world.
899
00:47:14,248 --> 00:47:17,912
[SOLEMN NOTE AND CREAKING NOISE]
900
00:47:19,295 --> 00:47:21,503
[ENGINE ROAR]
901
00:47:23,674 --> 00:47:26,587
[ROAR OF WAVES CRASHING]
902
00:47:26,635 --> 00:47:28,126
[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
903
00:47:28,262 --> 00:47:29,798
[GUNSHOT]
904
00:47:30,473 --> 00:47:31,964
[FIREWORK NOISE]
Ooooh!
905
00:47:32,099 --> 00:47:34,261
[SOUND OF TYRES SCREECHING]
906
00:47:36,145 --> 00:47:37,727
[SPEAKING IN SWEDISH]
907
00:47:56,374 --> 00:48:03,622
[SOMBRE MUSIC]
908
00:48:36,330 --> 00:48:38,572
[MUSIC ENDS IN DRAMATIC CLIMAX]
909
00:48:38,624 --> 00:48:40,581
MELLISH:
Well, that settles it, then.
910
00:48:42,128 --> 00:48:44,620
And very satisfactorily,
may I add.
911
00:48:44,672 --> 00:48:46,789
Are you sure there'll be no objections
from old chum?
912
00:48:47,049 --> 00:48:48,085
Oh, I don't see why.
913
00:48:48,259 --> 00:48:50,171
Harrogate? What do you
mean, Harrogate?
914
00:48:50,261 --> 00:48:53,220
What does anybody mean?
A small Yorkshire inland resort.
915
00:48:53,347 --> 00:48:54,366
Famed for its mineral waters...
916
00:48:54,390 --> 00:48:55,742
- ...two hundred miles from London.
- Don't be cute, Liz.
917
00:48:55,766 --> 00:48:56,847
Don't be cute.
918
00:48:56,934 --> 00:48:59,734
I'm not having you traipsing two hundred
miles on your own with that...
919
00:48:59,854 --> 00:49:02,141
...sex-mad monk!
- Geoffrey is neither sex-mad...
920
00:49:02,231 --> 00:49:04,689
...nor a monk. It is only a
three-day conference.
921
00:49:04,733 --> 00:49:06,753
Richard'll be away sailing, and
Inga can look after you...
922
00:49:06,777 --> 00:49:08,296
[YELLING]...SO WHY ON EARTH
SHOULDN'T I GO?!
923
00:49:08,320 --> 00:49:10,403
Because... because...
924
00:49:10,406 --> 00:49:12,426
...I think you're getting in too deep
with that society.
925
00:49:12,450 --> 00:49:14,567
They're all raving mad if
you ask me.
926
00:49:14,618 --> 00:49:16,575
Ah, THEY'RE raving mad!
927
00:49:16,620 --> 00:49:18,031
- RAVING MAD!
- I think Arthur and Hetty...
928
00:49:18,038 --> 00:49:20,475
...are about the most contented and
affectionate pair I've ever met...
929
00:49:20,499 --> 00:49:22,477
...and if only more married couples
were like that...
930
00:49:22,501 --> 00:49:24,163
They're BROTHER AND SISTER.
931
00:49:24,336 --> 00:49:26,168
She's MISS Soames.
932
00:49:26,255 --> 00:49:28,167
Look at your petition, go on.
933
00:49:28,632 --> 00:49:30,168
- Oh.
- [SMUGLY] Oh.
934
00:49:34,847 --> 00:49:36,258
Oh, Liz...
935
00:49:37,892 --> 00:49:39,053
Oh, look.
936
00:49:39,310 --> 00:49:40,801
Do you have to go, Liz?
937
00:49:41,312 --> 00:49:43,429
I mean, it's been weeks since we...
938
00:49:44,648 --> 00:49:45,889
...since you and I, er...
939
00:49:48,110 --> 00:49:51,353
Look, do you realise all we do when we go
to bed, is go to sleep?
940
00:49:52,615 --> 00:49:56,484
I, I don't want to sleep with my wife.
I want to sleeeep with her.
941
00:49:56,994 --> 00:49:58,972
- Teddy, it's not because I...
- Oh, I know, I know.
942
00:49:58,996 --> 00:50:02,239
Sorry, love. I'm sorry.
It's not been easy for me, either.
943
00:50:02,666 --> 00:50:03,666
At the office.
944
00:50:04,376 --> 00:50:05,958
Having trouble with Golidlocks.
945
00:50:07,046 --> 00:50:07,786
Goldilocks?
946
00:50:08,047 --> 00:50:08,707
Who's she?
947
00:50:09,006 --> 00:50:11,464
Oh, it's some idea I got from that
nutty children's book...
948
00:50:11,509 --> 00:50:12,749
...that Leonard and Maud wrote.
949
00:50:13,010 --> 00:50:15,071
- I mean, it's a sitting duck, I couldn't...
- You mean you... Oh!
950
00:50:15,095 --> 00:50:16,114
- Of all the...
- Of all the what?
951
00:50:16,138 --> 00:50:17,178
- ...rotten things!
- What?
952
00:50:17,223 --> 00:50:18,950
- Now what will Geoffrey think?
- I don't care.
953
00:50:18,974 --> 00:50:20,994
- And what will Leonard and Maud think?
- I don't give a monkey's.
954
00:50:21,018 --> 00:50:23,260
- I don't give a monkey's!
- OH, EYEBALLS!
955
00:50:23,312 --> 00:50:25,540
- OH, NUN'S KNICKERS!
- Oh, that's nice. That's personal.
956
00:50:25,564 --> 00:50:27,918
- And the greengrocer's delivering this afternoon.
- Yes, I know.
957
00:50:27,942 --> 00:50:30,253
- You've already told me.
- And don't let Inga let the boiler go out.
958
00:50:30,277 --> 00:50:31,880
- I won't let Inga let the boiler go out.
- And if anything...
959
00:50:31,904 --> 00:50:34,508
...comes up, you can get me at...
What's the name of the hotel, Geoffrey?
960
00:50:34,532 --> 00:50:36,444
I've, er, booked us in at
the Temperance.
961
00:50:36,450 --> 00:50:38,692
- The Temperance.
- Yes, I heard.
962
00:50:39,036 --> 00:50:40,447
Without surprise.
963
00:50:40,454 --> 00:50:42,662
We'll be up that M1 in well under
two hours.
964
00:50:42,998 --> 00:50:45,081
She cruises at eighty, and loves it!
965
00:50:45,209 --> 00:50:46,436
[Does she?
[HE GIVES A LITTLE LAUGH]
966
00:50:46,460 --> 00:50:49,703
- So not to worry, old chum.
- Thanks...
967
00:50:49,797 --> 00:50:51,254
...old chum.
[MELLISH CHUCKLES]
968
00:50:51,298 --> 00:50:53,381
Just keep your grimy hands
on the wheel...
969
00:50:53,634 --> 00:50:54,634
...old chum.
970
00:50:54,760 --> 00:50:57,298
Bye, darling. There's some cold
chicken in the fridge.
971
00:50:57,763 --> 00:50:58,844
Bye!
972
00:50:59,265 --> 00:51:01,473
Yeah... I know just how it feels.
973
00:51:01,517 --> 00:51:02,553
Hmmph.
974
00:51:04,645 --> 00:51:09,436
[MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC]
975
00:51:25,791 --> 00:51:30,627
[IMAGINARY RATTLE OF SPURS
BECOMING LOUDER]
976
00:51:36,594 --> 00:51:42,340
[POUNDING MUSIC]
977
00:51:42,975 --> 00:51:43,975
[RATTLE OF SPURS]
978
00:51:45,686 --> 00:51:48,053
[GUNSHOTS]
979
00:51:48,647 --> 00:51:50,479
[BULLETS RICOCHET]
980
00:51:56,572 --> 00:51:58,313
[SOUND OF SOLDIERS MARCHING]
981
00:51:58,365 --> 00:52:02,109
[MUSICAL MOTIF: "DEUTSCHLAND,
DEUTSCHLAND UBER ALLES"]
982
00:52:03,454 --> 00:52:06,618
[ROAR OF CROWD]
983
00:52:07,916 --> 00:52:11,910
[BEATING DRUM AND TRUMPET]
984
00:52:11,962 --> 00:52:13,498
[WHISTLE OF BOMB FALLING]
985
00:52:13,589 --> 00:52:18,300
[SOUND OF SWORDS CLASHING]
986
00:52:18,385 --> 00:52:20,798
[FANFARE]
987
00:52:21,096 --> 00:52:23,258
[FANFARE]
988
00:52:23,891 --> 00:52:28,261
[FAIRGROUND ORGAN MUSIC]
989
00:52:52,711 --> 00:52:56,204
[OTHERWORLDLY MUSIC]
990
00:53:15,192 --> 00:53:16,192
[SOUND OF LIGHT SWITCH]
991
00:53:18,529 --> 00:53:19,940
Are you okay?
992
00:53:20,114 --> 00:53:24,199
Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm just, er... finding it
a bit difficult to concentrate on, er...
993
00:53:25,577 --> 00:53:26,237
...porridge.
994
00:53:26,495 --> 00:53:28,765
I thought you perhaps might like some.
[HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
995
00:53:28,789 --> 00:53:30,621
Er, very kind of you.
996
00:53:31,291 --> 00:53:32,998
- How many?
- Two.
997
00:53:33,335 --> 00:53:34,871
Er... no, I mean,
I don't... I mean...
998
00:53:34,920 --> 00:53:37,287
...hah! I d... I don't take any,
thank you very much.
999
00:53:38,048 --> 00:53:40,415
- Am I disturbing you?
- Huh?! Oh, no, no-err..!
1000
00:53:40,467 --> 00:53:41,736
Oh, no, of course you're not...
[CUPS RATTLING]
1001
00:53:41,760 --> 00:53:44,252
...disturbing me.
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]
1002
00:53:44,847 --> 00:53:46,429
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
1003
00:53:46,765 --> 00:53:49,007
[MECHANICAL RATTLING]
1004
00:53:57,109 --> 00:54:04,824
[SPEEDED-UP PIANO PLAYING]
1005
00:54:26,096 --> 00:54:27,758
[MUSIC ENDS - MECHANICAL RATTLING]
1006
00:54:29,975 --> 00:54:31,056
[INGA LAUGHS]
1007
00:54:32,227 --> 00:54:32,933
Inga?
1008
00:54:32,978 --> 00:54:35,220
Erm... what are you doing tonight?
1009
00:54:35,355 --> 00:54:39,599
[POP MUSIC]
1010
00:54:48,160 --> 00:54:50,026
- Very nice.
- What?
1011
00:54:50,037 --> 00:54:51,494
- It's very nice.
- Yeah.
1012
00:54:51,538 --> 00:54:52,278
Great place.
1013
00:54:52,372 --> 00:54:54,768
Very groovy people. You get a lot
of showbusiness people here.
1014
00:54:54,792 --> 00:54:56,749
You know, writers,
photographers, actors.
1015
00:54:58,754 --> 00:55:00,791
Saw the show, baby. Loved it!
1016
00:55:00,881 --> 00:55:02,042
LOVED it!
1017
00:55:03,217 --> 00:55:04,217
Arthur?
1018
00:55:05,761 --> 00:55:06,877
Er, we'll have our usual.
1019
00:55:06,929 --> 00:55:08,795
- What?
- My name is Mario, sir.
1020
00:55:08,889 --> 00:55:10,346
Arthur is my brother.
1021
00:55:10,390 --> 00:55:12,382
And I don't know what
your usual is.
1022
00:55:12,768 --> 00:55:14,259
My usual's away in Harrogate.
1023
00:55:14,311 --> 00:55:15,643
[LAUGHTER]
1024
00:55:15,687 --> 00:55:17,519
Well, we'll have oysters.
1025
00:55:18,273 --> 00:55:19,514
Two dozen.
1026
00:55:19,983 --> 00:55:20,983
Each.
1027
00:55:22,152 --> 00:55:22,858
Teddy..?
1028
00:55:22,986 --> 00:55:25,899
- Yeah?
- Are you sure Mrs Brown will not mind?
1029
00:55:25,948 --> 00:55:27,905
[PASSING CAR HOOTER]
Geoffrey..?
1030
00:55:27,991 --> 00:55:31,234
- Mmm?
- Could you go a bit slower?
1031
00:55:31,995 --> 00:55:34,362
I get... car-sick.
1032
00:55:38,126 --> 00:55:39,913
Geoffrey...
[GROANS]
1033
00:55:40,379 --> 00:55:41,665
...I want to go home.
1034
00:55:41,839 --> 00:55:43,501
Home?
[HE LAUGHS]
1035
00:55:43,590 --> 00:55:45,877
- We're nearly there.
- I want to go home!
1036
00:55:46,927 --> 00:55:49,169
Now, I just might... mmm...
yes, all right.
1037
00:55:49,304 --> 00:55:53,514
[POP MUSIC]
1038
00:55:53,725 --> 00:55:54,761
He-he-hey!
1039
00:55:54,977 --> 00:55:55,977
Teddy!
1040
00:55:57,187 --> 00:55:58,849
- Nat!
- Teddy!
1041
00:55:59,064 --> 00:56:01,602
- Nat.
- Hey, Teh-dee!
1042
00:56:02,526 --> 00:56:03,607
Ha, hah!
1043
00:56:03,735 --> 00:56:05,692
- Hello, Teddy!
- Nat!
1044
00:56:05,696 --> 00:56:07,278
Ahh, hah!
1045
00:56:07,364 --> 00:56:09,356
- How ya doin', kid?
- Great. Lovely to see you.
1046
00:56:09,408 --> 00:56:11,365
Now, look, erm, Nat, do you
know Inga?
1047
00:56:11,827 --> 00:56:13,363
Inga - Nat Kaplan.
1048
00:56:13,370 --> 00:56:15,431
- Nat Kaplan, Inga.
- Delighted to meet you, Mr Kaplan.
1049
00:56:15,455 --> 00:56:18,448
Ah, course you are, honey.
Everybody is.
1050
00:56:18,750 --> 00:56:21,584
Oh, uh... heel.
[BLOWS KISSES]
1051
00:56:22,629 --> 00:56:25,622
- She is a... wonderful person.
- Yeah.
1052
00:56:25,674 --> 00:56:27,540
I'm sure she is. Now,
well, look, Nat...
1053
00:56:28,093 --> 00:56:29,629
...GREAT seeing you. Y'know...
1054
00:56:29,678 --> 00:56:31,544
...GREAT! But, er, Inga and I...
1055
00:56:31,555 --> 00:56:34,389
- ...we're just going.
- SURE you're just going.
1056
00:56:34,433 --> 00:56:36,015
We're ALL going!
1057
00:56:36,268 --> 00:56:37,268
Everywhere!
1058
00:56:37,436 --> 00:56:39,268
KAPLAN: The Poco Poco Club.
1059
00:56:39,605 --> 00:56:41,597
KAPLAN: The Afro Dizziac.
1060
00:56:41,690 --> 00:56:43,602
KAPLAN: Lulu Lorraine's.
1061
00:56:43,734 --> 00:56:44,440
TEDDY: Where to now?
1062
00:56:44,484 --> 00:56:47,192
KAPLAN: One-fifteen Florian Avenue.
1063
00:56:47,237 --> 00:56:47,943
TEDDY: Hey!
1064
00:56:48,113 --> 00:56:50,696
- TEDDY: I know that.
- KAPLAN: You ought to, it's your house.
1065
00:56:51,116 --> 00:56:51,651
TEDDY: What?
1066
00:56:51,742 --> 00:56:57,033
[THEME SONG - MOWTOWN STYLE]
1067
00:57:06,006 --> 00:57:07,747
Has anybody seen a bottle-opener?
1068
00:57:08,592 --> 00:57:10,834
Has anybody seen a bottle-opener?
1069
00:57:10,886 --> 00:57:13,072
I'm looking for a bottle-opener.
Have you seen a bottle-opener around?
1070
00:57:13,096 --> 00:57:14,337
No, man.
1071
00:57:17,100 --> 00:57:20,184
'Scuse me. Er, can I borrow
your beer?
1072
00:57:24,900 --> 00:57:27,893
Say, kids, I have this dirty joke
I wanna tell...
1073
00:57:27,903 --> 00:57:30,145
...so, uh, which one of you is the fella?
1074
00:57:32,240 --> 00:57:35,278
Honey, have you heard the one
about the rabbi and the priest...
1075
00:57:35,327 --> 00:57:38,115
...and the male nurse, who were
stranded on this tropical isle?
1076
00:57:41,208 --> 00:57:42,744
Isn't it dangerous?
1077
00:57:44,795 --> 00:57:46,252
Not when you know how.
1078
00:57:46,296 --> 00:57:47,662
[INGA LAUGHS]
1079
00:57:48,298 --> 00:57:49,664
Say "when".
1080
00:57:51,218 --> 00:57:52,218
When.
1081
00:57:53,887 --> 00:57:55,253
Have you heard the one...
1082
00:57:55,389 --> 00:57:58,177
...about the rabbi and the priest
and the tropic isle...
1083
00:57:58,517 --> 00:58:01,055
...who are all stranded on this
male nurse?
1084
00:58:02,938 --> 00:58:05,897
Ice, anybody?
[CORKS POPPING]
1085
00:58:09,152 --> 00:58:12,611
Come here, shorty.
There's a priest and a rabbi...
1086
00:58:12,698 --> 00:58:16,738
...and a male nurse, and they're
trapped on this tropic island...
1087
00:58:26,753 --> 00:58:27,914
C'mon, you dummy!
1088
00:58:27,963 --> 00:58:30,250
[SHRIEKING LAUGHTER]
There ya go! He-he-hey!
1089
00:58:31,842 --> 00:58:35,210
[DUMMY'S LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
1090
00:58:35,345 --> 00:58:37,302
[ENGINE TICKING OVER]
1091
00:58:37,347 --> 00:58:41,182
[SOUND OF CARS SPEEDING PAST]
1092
00:58:42,686 --> 00:58:44,455
- Would you like a lift?
- No, thank you, Vicar.
1093
00:58:44,479 --> 00:58:47,313
I'm in a hurry.
[DUMMY'S LAUGHTER]
1094
00:58:51,987 --> 00:58:53,319
There you go, girl.
1095
00:58:53,405 --> 00:58:55,405
[POP MUSIC PLAYING AND DUMMY
LAUGHING CONTINUOUSLY]
1096
00:59:44,498 --> 00:59:48,492
[PIANOLA PLAYING AND DUMMY
LAUGHING IN BACKGROUND]
1097
00:59:50,087 --> 00:59:51,168
Say...
1098
00:59:52,964 --> 00:59:55,798
...have you ever heard the
one about the rabbi...
1099
00:59:56,259 --> 00:59:57,795
...and the priest...
1100
00:59:58,220 --> 01:00:02,681
...and the male nurse, who are
stranded on this tropic island.
1101
01:00:03,600 --> 01:00:04,600
Hmm?
1102
01:00:05,352 --> 01:00:06,352
Did you?
1103
01:00:15,112 --> 01:00:18,981
[PIANOLA AND DUMMY'S LAUGHTER
INSIDE HOUSE]
1104
01:00:36,508 --> 01:00:37,508
[ANGRY MOAN]
1105
01:00:39,469 --> 01:00:41,176
Oh..!
1106
01:00:41,221 --> 01:00:42,221
[MUSIC STOPS]
1107
01:00:42,889 --> 01:00:43,889
[WHISPERING]
Damn!
1108
01:00:44,599 --> 01:00:45,599
Oh!
1109
01:00:47,018 --> 01:00:48,018
Oh!
1110
01:00:49,354 --> 01:00:50,515
Oh!
1111
01:00:51,189 --> 01:00:52,270
[TEARFUL MOAN]
1112
01:00:53,400 --> 01:00:54,732
[FURIOUS YELL]
1113
01:01:02,075 --> 01:01:03,075
[HE GRUNTS]
Teddy.
1114
01:01:04,244 --> 01:01:05,244
Teddy.
1115
01:01:15,505 --> 01:01:16,837
[QUIET MOAN]
1116
01:01:17,340 --> 01:01:18,340
Oh.
1117
01:01:20,802 --> 01:01:21,802
Oh!
1118
01:01:22,721 --> 01:01:25,088
[INGA SCREAMS]
Oh, what are you doing?
1119
01:01:25,265 --> 01:01:27,552
[INGA - LAUGHING AND SCREAMING]
I can't breathe down here!
1120
01:01:27,601 --> 01:01:29,843
- I... erm...
- Agh, you... What are you doing?!
1121
01:01:29,895 --> 01:01:30,555
[MOCK SCREAM]
1122
01:01:30,854 --> 01:01:33,597
So? Perfect nobody is.
1123
01:01:33,690 --> 01:01:36,603
She was IN BED with
my husband!
1124
01:01:36,902 --> 01:01:39,770
Look, for thirty shillings a week
and all found...
1125
01:01:39,905 --> 01:01:41,988
...you can't expect Mary Poppins.
1126
01:01:42,908 --> 01:01:46,777
Someone should report her to the
authorities as an UNdesirable alien.
1127
01:01:46,953 --> 01:01:50,867
"Alien" maybe, but "undesirable"
it doesn't sound like.
1128
01:01:51,249 --> 01:01:53,992
My husband was too drunk to
know what was happening.
1129
01:01:55,253 --> 01:01:58,462
- He's not used to drinking.
- I don't like the sound of...
1130
01:01:58,506 --> 01:02:00,463
...what he IS used to.
1131
01:02:00,550 --> 01:02:05,090
Mrs Levin. If I have decided to accept
my husband's explanation...
1132
01:02:05,180 --> 01:02:08,969
...the one thing I do NOT need is
anyone undermining it.
1133
01:02:09,226 --> 01:02:10,967
He personally sent her packing.
1134
01:02:11,394 --> 01:02:13,932
So all I want from you is a replacement.
1135
01:02:14,648 --> 01:02:15,666
Oh?
[SHE GIVES A LITTLE LAUGH]
1136
01:02:15,690 --> 01:02:17,306
Of course you do.
1137
01:02:17,525 --> 01:02:21,394
And what's more, a replacement that
won't turn out to be a repetition of...
1138
01:02:21,988 --> 01:02:23,399
Oh, Mrs Brown.
1139
01:02:23,448 --> 01:02:26,782
I've got for you here a girl that's
like the answer to a prayer.
1140
01:02:26,910 --> 01:02:27,946
Whose prayer?
1141
01:02:27,953 --> 01:02:29,910
That you don't have to worry.
When I tell you...
1142
01:02:30,455 --> 01:02:34,916
...that in her last situation she broke
the husband's arm in four places.
1143
01:02:35,585 --> 01:02:37,247
That sounds perfect.
1144
01:02:37,754 --> 01:02:41,748
[MUSIC: "THE RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES"]
1145
01:03:03,738 --> 01:03:05,980
Mum! They've landed!
1146
01:03:14,040 --> 01:03:15,076
Mrs Brown?
1147
01:03:16,167 --> 01:03:17,328
Lotte von Gelbstein.
1148
01:03:18,211 --> 01:03:19,622
Oh. Hello.
1149
01:03:20,505 --> 01:03:21,505
Er, come in.
1150
01:03:21,715 --> 01:03:24,332
Er, you must forgive Richard.
He thinks you're from Mars.
1151
01:03:24,718 --> 01:03:25,925
No. Hamburg.
1152
01:03:27,220 --> 01:03:28,961
Oh, I see - is a joke.
1153
01:03:30,098 --> 01:03:31,134
Would you like some tea?
1154
01:03:31,391 --> 01:03:32,598
No, coffee, please.
1155
01:03:32,976 --> 01:03:34,933
Do you mind instant?
No. I like instant.
1156
01:03:36,229 --> 01:03:38,471
06:00 every morning, I rise.
1157
01:03:38,648 --> 01:03:40,810
And work will begin at 06:30.
1158
01:03:41,776 --> 01:03:42,983
I will not disturb you...
1159
01:03:43,320 --> 01:03:45,437
...but will carry out my duties
until midday.
1160
01:03:45,488 --> 01:03:46,757
[TEDDY CALLS]
Hello, dependants...
1161
01:03:46,781 --> 01:03:48,021
- However...
- ...I'm home. I...
1162
01:03:49,659 --> 01:03:50,659
Good evening.
1163
01:03:52,620 --> 01:03:55,328
- Herr Brown? Lotte von Gelbstein.
- Yes.
1164
01:03:55,790 --> 01:03:56,997
That's nice.
1165
01:03:57,500 --> 01:03:59,412
I am outlining my work system.
1166
01:04:00,670 --> 01:04:02,457
Er, Lotte's our new au pair.
1167
01:04:02,714 --> 01:04:04,455
Oh... good.
1168
01:04:04,841 --> 01:04:06,173
- Please sit.
- Thank you.
1169
01:04:06,468 --> 01:04:09,836
- Dad, at school today...
- [FIRMLY] I am outlining my work system.
1170
01:04:10,847 --> 01:04:14,056
From midday every afternoon
I sleep for four hours.
1171
01:04:14,642 --> 01:04:16,304
That sleep I MUST have.
[CROCKERY RATTLES]
1172
01:04:17,020 --> 01:04:18,181
It is a rule.
1173
01:04:18,355 --> 01:04:20,347
- Is understood?
- Sieg Heil.
1174
01:04:21,066 --> 01:04:22,728
Then everything is tickety-boo.
1175
01:04:23,318 --> 01:04:24,729
Tickety-boo.
1176
01:04:25,570 --> 01:04:26,686
I will wash my hands.
1177
01:04:26,821 --> 01:04:29,108
Ah, yes, Richard, will
you show Herr...
1178
01:04:29,491 --> 01:04:33,235
Miss, um... the young... lady...
to the ablutions.
1179
01:04:33,370 --> 01:04:35,327
Yes, Dad. It's this way.
1180
01:04:40,919 --> 01:04:43,582
So, er... that's what happened
to Martin Bormann.
1181
01:04:44,464 --> 01:04:46,547
I wouldn't advise trying
anything with her.
1182
01:04:46,800 --> 01:04:50,669
Wi... wi... with..?
You... you must be joking!
1183
01:04:51,554 --> 01:04:53,466
Oh, look, Liz, look, look,
I explained.
1184
01:04:53,807 --> 01:04:55,673
I apologised. You
said you understood.
1185
01:04:55,725 --> 01:04:56,725
I did.
1186
01:04:59,479 --> 01:05:01,596
- Wh... wh... what's that, then?
- What's what?
1187
01:05:01,815 --> 01:05:03,681
What... what's...
[SIGHS]
1188
01:05:05,151 --> 01:05:07,711
- You said it was forgiven and forgotten!
- Why are you shouting?
1189
01:05:07,946 --> 01:05:09,340
Because when you forgive
and forget...
1190
01:05:09,364 --> 01:05:11,856
...you won't let anyone forget you've
forgiven and forgotten!
1191
01:05:13,952 --> 01:05:15,909
Oh, Liz, look, give it a rest.
1192
01:05:15,954 --> 01:05:18,116
Dad, where did Inga go to?
1193
01:05:18,540 --> 01:05:19,906
Back to Stockholm.
1194
01:05:20,125 --> 01:05:21,912
I bought her ticket myself.
1195
01:05:22,710 --> 01:05:23,710
Satisfied?
1196
01:05:24,337 --> 01:05:27,205
[GENTLE MUSIC FADES IN]
1197
01:05:30,718 --> 01:05:32,209
What shall I wear
this evening?
1198
01:05:32,470 --> 01:05:35,338
COMPETITION HOST: Come in, Number Seven:
Miss Romaine Dupree.
1199
01:05:36,349 --> 01:05:38,557
[APPLAUSE]
1200
01:06:02,167 --> 01:06:05,160
Thank you, Romaine.
[MORE APPLAUSE]
1201
01:06:08,590 --> 01:06:11,082
Well, Romaine - nearly Miss Tulip
last year, is that right?
1202
01:06:11,176 --> 01:06:13,154
- [SOFTLY] Yes.
- Ah. Tell me, what are your hobbies?
1203
01:06:13,178 --> 01:06:14,635
- Hi, Teddy.
- Hello, Nat.
1204
01:06:14,762 --> 01:06:16,970
And how is the lovely Mrs Brown?
1205
01:06:18,266 --> 01:06:19,473
Ae we still in the doghouse?
1206
01:06:20,727 --> 01:06:22,663
[PRESENTER TALKS IN BACKGROUND]
The, er, competition's going well, Nat.
1207
01:06:22,687 --> 01:06:24,269
Oh, fine.
1208
01:06:24,564 --> 01:06:26,806
Great girls, all hand-picked...
1209
01:06:26,983 --> 01:06:29,145
...with these very hands.
1210
01:06:29,277 --> 01:06:31,690
You help your mother in the home.
Well, that's really commendable...
1211
01:06:31,696 --> 01:06:33,779
...isn't it, folks?
Give her a big hand.
1212
01:06:33,823 --> 01:06:35,780
[APPLAUSE]
1213
01:06:35,825 --> 01:06:37,441
And tell me, what's
your ambition?
1214
01:06:37,619 --> 01:06:41,078
[THICK LANCASHIRE ACCENT]
I'd like to be an all-round entertainer.
1215
01:06:41,164 --> 01:06:43,952
Well, good luck and thank you,
Miss Romaine Dupree.
1216
01:06:44,083 --> 01:06:46,575
[SPARSE CLAPPING]
1217
01:06:46,711 --> 01:06:49,190
And you'll remember that one of the
girls appearing this evening...
1218
01:06:49,214 --> 01:06:51,206
...will become Miss Goldilocks.
1219
01:06:51,341 --> 01:06:55,381
Her prizes will include one year's supply
of McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge...
1220
01:06:55,470 --> 01:06:56,470
...a mini-moke...
1221
01:06:56,513 --> 01:06:58,345
...a kilt in the tartan of her choice...
1222
01:06:58,389 --> 01:06:59,971
...a thousand pounds in cash...
1223
01:07:00,183 --> 01:07:02,391
...and the dream holiday of
a lifetime for two...
1224
01:07:02,560 --> 01:07:05,928
...at Tossa del Mar in Rabjohn's
Holiday Huts.
1225
01:07:06,105 --> 01:07:08,347
My word. Who's gonna be
the lucky girl?
1226
01:07:08,566 --> 01:07:10,419
Will it be one of the lovelies
you've met already?
1227
01:07:10,443 --> 01:07:12,935
Or the next contestant, whose
photo was sent in...
1228
01:07:13,196 --> 01:07:15,233
...by one of you Frozen Porridge
lovers of Britain?
1229
01:07:15,573 --> 01:07:18,691
Come in, Number Eight:
an ex-au pair girl from London...
1230
01:07:18,826 --> 01:07:20,692
...Miss Inga Giltenburg!
1231
01:07:20,870 --> 01:07:24,864
[APPLAUSE AND ROMANTIC MUSIC]
1232
01:07:41,683 --> 01:07:47,350
[OPENING NOTES - BEETHOVEN'S
SYMPHONY NO. 5]
1233
01:07:53,945 --> 01:07:58,235
[MELODRAMATIC SILENT-FILM MUSIC]
1234
01:09:24,577 --> 01:09:26,944
- Please let me in?
- Go away.
1235
01:09:26,996 --> 01:09:29,283
It, it's inconvenient.
1236
01:09:30,041 --> 01:09:31,452
Please let me in.
1237
01:09:31,876 --> 01:09:32,876
No.
1238
01:09:32,919 --> 01:09:35,332
Well, can't you just open
the door for a second?
1239
01:09:36,422 --> 01:09:37,422
All right.
1240
01:09:38,466 --> 01:09:39,627
But only a few inches.
1241
01:09:42,387 --> 01:09:43,387
Nat.
1242
01:09:43,888 --> 01:09:46,096
Liz's thrown me out. I've got
nowhere to sleep.
1243
01:09:46,182 --> 01:09:47,468
Aw, that's tough.
1244
01:09:47,600 --> 01:09:51,184
But remember Teddy, there's millions of
homeless people in this world...
1245
01:09:51,229 --> 01:09:53,221
...and my heart bleeds for them,
but right now...
1246
01:09:53,272 --> 01:09:55,059
...I don't want any of them in here.
1247
01:09:55,108 --> 01:09:56,565
Who's at the door, Nat?
1248
01:09:57,694 --> 01:09:59,435
Oh, it's you, Teddy!
1249
01:09:59,570 --> 01:10:01,436
All right, so come in.
1250
01:10:02,448 --> 01:10:04,280
So, er, what's the, er..?
1251
01:10:04,325 --> 01:10:06,112
- Oh, she's er...
- I won! I won it!
1252
01:10:06,160 --> 01:10:09,073
I'm Miss Goldilocks, I won
the competition!
1253
01:10:09,205 --> 01:10:12,539
That, that, that's all I need, Nat.
I mean, that puts the tin hat on it, now.
1254
01:10:12,583 --> 01:10:15,496
Don't look at me, you're the one
who sent the picture in.
1255
01:10:15,545 --> 01:10:17,411
I didn't send any picture in, Nat.
1256
01:10:17,463 --> 01:10:18,732
I wouldn't do a thing like that.
1257
01:10:18,756 --> 01:10:21,715
You did do send in her picture,
I saw it among the bunch...
1258
01:10:21,718 --> 01:10:23,758
...and I figured you wanted to
give the kid a break.
1259
01:10:23,928 --> 01:10:27,092
And now... I'm giving her
another break.
1260
01:10:27,849 --> 01:10:30,091
Beats a year's supply of porridge,
huh, baby?
1261
01:10:32,895 --> 01:10:35,638
Right, you ought to be comfortable
enough here, Teddy, so...
1262
01:10:36,983 --> 01:10:38,645
Thanks, Nat.
1263
01:10:39,110 --> 01:10:41,898
We'll be in there if you need anything.
1264
01:10:44,407 --> 01:10:47,946
Oh, Teddy, do me a favour?
Don't need anything.
1265
01:10:55,209 --> 01:10:56,209
[HEAVY SIGH]
1266
01:10:56,461 --> 01:10:59,078
Tell me more about
this Goldilocks business.
1267
01:10:59,172 --> 01:11:01,380
[SNIFFS]
It was so rotten.
1268
01:11:01,758 --> 01:11:03,875
Even when I'd told him
how shabby it was, he...
1269
01:11:05,344 --> 01:11:08,087
...[SNIFFS] he's been busy with
this for weeks.
1270
01:11:08,890 --> 01:11:10,097
Oh.
1271
01:11:11,809 --> 01:11:14,597
I have packed them all.
All his possessions.
1272
01:11:14,687 --> 01:11:17,270
We can throw them out in the morning.
[CRASH]
1273
01:11:17,440 --> 01:11:20,103
- Oh, no.
- For what you need him?
1274
01:11:20,651 --> 01:11:22,187
We women must be strong!
1275
01:11:22,987 --> 01:11:24,694
I can do the man's work in the house.
1276
01:11:25,031 --> 01:11:26,863
Chop wood, drive the car.
1277
01:11:27,533 --> 01:11:30,196
For money, I can go back to
my old job.
1278
01:11:30,536 --> 01:11:32,368
- Your old..?
- In Hamburg...
1279
01:11:32,413 --> 01:11:34,530
...I used to wrestle in mud.
1280
01:11:36,042 --> 01:11:37,042
Oh.
1281
01:11:37,126 --> 01:11:39,334
Well, there's not much call for
that around here.
1282
01:11:39,629 --> 01:11:41,910
- No, honestly, I don't think...
- Together we can make...
1283
01:11:42,006 --> 01:11:43,247
...a new life.
1284
01:11:43,841 --> 01:11:47,710
[DREAMY MUSIC]
1285
01:11:56,813 --> 01:11:57,813
MELLISH: Liz.
1286
01:11:59,857 --> 01:12:04,397
Liz, this work of his is the most diabolical...
I mean, I hadn't realised the enormity of it!
1287
01:12:04,904 --> 01:12:07,112
Well, it's something to do with porridge.
1288
01:12:07,156 --> 01:12:09,443
The sooner the Society has
sight of this, the better.
1289
01:12:09,492 --> 01:12:11,470
Oh, no, wait a minute, they're
Teddy's - they're private.
1290
01:12:11,494 --> 01:12:13,451
- We can't just...
- The moment comes...
1291
01:12:13,746 --> 01:12:15,908
...the moment comes for all of us
when we have to...
1292
01:12:16,165 --> 01:12:17,281
...choose our...
1293
01:12:17,959 --> 01:12:19,291
...our priorities.
1294
01:12:19,836 --> 01:12:21,919
Er, can't we just ask him first?
1295
01:12:22,713 --> 01:12:23,669
Please?
1296
01:12:23,714 --> 01:12:25,501
I mean, just put it to him.
1297
01:12:27,718 --> 01:12:30,426
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
1298
01:12:34,892 --> 01:12:35,892
There's no answer.
1299
01:12:37,687 --> 01:12:39,247
Well, he said he was going to be there.
1300
01:12:39,564 --> 01:12:40,930
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
1301
01:12:41,232 --> 01:12:43,224
Hello? Who?
1302
01:12:44,527 --> 01:12:45,859
Yes, but he's asleep.
1303
01:12:46,654 --> 01:12:47,861
This is Inga.
1304
01:12:48,072 --> 01:12:49,859
Inga Giltenburg.
[LINE GOES DEAD]
1305
01:12:50,241 --> 01:12:51,857
Hello? Hello?
1306
01:12:54,370 --> 01:12:56,111
I was once stuck in a lift.
1307
01:12:56,330 --> 01:12:59,073
- Daddy, you never told me.
- What a well-appointed situation.
1308
01:12:59,166 --> 01:13:00,623
Expensive but tasteful.
1309
01:13:00,960 --> 01:13:02,246
You made the right choice, Liz.
1310
01:13:02,837 --> 01:13:03,497
I'm proud of you.
1311
01:13:03,588 --> 01:13:06,251
[SINISTER MUSIC]
1312
01:13:09,302 --> 01:13:12,045
[THUNDERCLAP]
1313
01:13:23,983 --> 01:13:26,726
We have an appointment with
Wallace Trufitt, MP.
1314
01:13:27,320 --> 01:13:28,686
Who shall I say, sir?
1315
01:13:28,905 --> 01:13:32,273
Belper-England Clean,
England Strong crusade.
1316
01:13:32,491 --> 01:13:33,698
Ahhh!
1317
01:13:34,952 --> 01:13:36,864
The time has come, Trufitt, for action.
1318
01:13:37,038 --> 01:13:39,997
As our MP, I want you to ask a
question in the House.
1319
01:13:40,124 --> 01:13:41,160
Certainly.
1320
01:13:42,501 --> 01:13:43,867
About anything in particular?
1321
01:13:44,045 --> 01:13:45,707
This has come into our possession.
1322
01:13:46,380 --> 01:13:47,996
It belonged to Mrs Brown's husband.
1323
01:13:48,758 --> 01:13:52,297
It is a document which describes the
practice of sexual titillation...
1324
01:13:52,345 --> 01:13:53,345
...in advertising.
1325
01:13:53,638 --> 01:13:56,597
It's all here; facts, figures...
1326
01:13:56,891 --> 01:13:58,757
- Photos..?
- No photos.
1327
01:13:59,685 --> 01:14:01,347
It's a complete analysis of the...
1328
01:14:01,395 --> 01:14:05,810
...subliminal sexual techniques
used to sell McLaughlin's Frozen Porridge.
1329
01:14:06,192 --> 01:14:09,685
- May I use the little girls' room?
- Please do. It's through that door.
1330
01:14:09,737 --> 01:14:11,694
And to the left.
1331
01:14:12,156 --> 01:14:13,192
Not that one!
1332
01:14:13,407 --> 01:14:16,400
[DRAMATIC MUSIC, SCREAMING
AND LOUD CRASH]
1333
01:14:17,745 --> 01:14:19,281
Oh... more evidence...
1334
01:14:19,330 --> 01:14:21,913
- ...much more evidence.
- Let me help you.
1335
01:14:22,041 --> 01:14:25,375
Yes, well... [CLEARS THROAT]
I expect you're all wondering...
1336
01:14:25,628 --> 01:14:29,668
...how such DISGUSTING things as these could
possibly have come into my possession.
1337
01:14:30,091 --> 01:14:31,923
Well, er, as a matter of fact, I, er...
1338
01:14:32,718 --> 01:14:34,129
[AWKWARD LAUGHTER]
1339
01:14:34,971 --> 01:14:36,382
Now, where were we?
1340
01:14:36,472 --> 01:14:38,384
We were talking about cleaning
up advertising.
1341
01:14:38,432 --> 01:14:39,764
We want an inquiry.
1342
01:14:39,809 --> 01:14:41,721
We want these advertisements banned...
1343
01:14:41,769 --> 01:14:43,556
...that porridge thrown off
the market!
1344
01:14:43,562 --> 01:14:45,474
There's such a funny mirror in
the bathroom.
1345
01:14:45,523 --> 01:14:46,354
You can see right through it...
1346
01:14:46,399 --> 01:14:48,356
- ...into the bedroom!
- Yes, yes, you can.
1347
01:14:49,902 --> 01:14:51,643
This used to be a nursing home,
you know?
1348
01:14:51,946 --> 01:14:52,481
[CLEARS THROAT]
1349
01:14:52,738 --> 01:14:56,527
Well, now, if that dossier contains the
information that you say it does...
1350
01:14:56,617 --> 01:14:58,028
...well, it is dynamite.
1351
01:14:58,327 --> 01:15:00,239
In fact, it is better than dynamite.
1352
01:15:01,122 --> 01:15:02,122
It's news!
1353
01:15:02,164 --> 01:15:04,076
[NOISE OF PRINTING PRESSES]
1354
01:15:08,379 --> 01:15:12,749
Front page of every newspaper in the country.
Complete national coverage.
1355
01:15:16,929 --> 01:15:18,511
Mr McLaughlin...
1356
01:15:19,306 --> 01:15:21,138
...I feel I owe you an apology.
1357
01:15:21,559 --> 01:15:22,559
For what?
1358
01:15:26,522 --> 01:15:29,014
Our wee miracle-worker.
1359
01:15:29,150 --> 01:15:30,686
[ALL CLAPPING]
1360
01:15:30,735 --> 01:15:32,226
Ah, come on, Teddy.
1361
01:15:32,361 --> 01:15:33,943
Getting the product unpaid publicity...
1362
01:15:34,030 --> 01:15:36,967
...on the front page of every newspaper
in the country would've been enough.
1363
01:15:36,991 --> 01:15:41,156
- But this, kid - they wanna have it banned!
- That's an advertising first!
1364
01:15:41,203 --> 01:15:41,738
KAPLAN: Beautiful.
1365
01:15:41,996 --> 01:15:44,579
Beauty - the only word for it.
1366
01:15:44,623 --> 01:15:47,240
Don't you know what happens to a
book they wanna have banned?
1367
01:15:47,334 --> 01:15:49,417
A film?
It's blockbuster time, baby!
1368
01:15:49,462 --> 01:15:52,830
- The sales go up like rockets!
- By this time next week...
1369
01:15:52,882 --> 01:15:56,216
...Quaker Oats will be turning that
factory into a bowling alley.
1370
01:15:56,260 --> 01:15:58,343
The pupil has become the master.
1371
01:15:58,471 --> 01:16:01,635
It wasn't me - it was the England Clean,
England Strong Society.
1372
01:16:01,766 --> 01:16:03,723
Teddy... you didn't know?
1373
01:16:03,809 --> 01:16:05,141
Didn't know... what?
1374
01:16:05,269 --> 01:16:07,181
Where that society gets its funds?
1375
01:16:07,229 --> 01:16:09,437
It's endowed by the
McLaughlin Foundation.
1376
01:16:09,607 --> 01:16:14,193
Mah Foundation contributes to every
socially uplifting organisation.
1377
01:16:15,654 --> 01:16:17,145
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
1378
01:16:20,701 --> 01:16:22,943
Hello? Oh, yes, he is.
Frank.
1379
01:16:23,329 --> 01:16:25,446
- BBC.
- BBC!
1380
01:16:26,916 --> 01:16:29,144
- They're potty.
- [VOICE OVER TELEPHONE] "Hello, Mr Chandler?"
1381
01:16:29,168 --> 01:16:30,168
"My name's Tolworth."
1382
01:16:30,211 --> 01:16:34,080
I'm sort of, erm, producer on the
"Confrontation" programme.
1383
01:16:34,256 --> 01:16:36,714
Ah, you don't know me
but I expect you've heard of...
1384
01:16:36,759 --> 01:16:39,672
- ...Joanna Snow.
- Yes, of course I know Joanna Snow.
1385
01:16:39,845 --> 01:16:41,131
It's a bleedin' nuthouse.
1386
01:16:41,388 --> 01:16:44,068
Well, Joanna would love you to appear on
her programme this evening.
1387
01:16:44,225 --> 01:16:45,966
- Tonight?
- "Mmm, yes."
1388
01:16:46,018 --> 01:16:47,579
"I think what she had in
mind, really, was"...
1389
01:16:47,603 --> 01:16:50,186
...your group in sort of open
confrontation, really, with a...
1390
01:16:50,314 --> 01:16:52,897
...group from the England Clean,
England Strong Society.
1391
01:16:53,109 --> 01:16:54,896
We'll be there. Can't wait!
1392
01:16:55,903 --> 01:16:57,769
The delegation will consist of you...
1393
01:16:57,822 --> 01:17:02,157
...you, myself and, of course, the
first begetter of it all...
1394
01:17:04,870 --> 01:17:08,489
MAD! MAD! The whole lot of you!
You ought to be in an asylum!
1395
01:17:11,252 --> 01:17:12,663
[TYRES SCREECH]
1396
01:17:13,629 --> 01:17:17,873
[SPEEDED-UP SPEECH]
1397
01:17:22,096 --> 01:17:28,218
[UP-TEMPO JAZZ MUSIC FADES IN]
1398
01:17:50,124 --> 01:17:50,955
Where is she?
1399
01:17:51,041 --> 01:17:53,283
- Where's Liz?
- Go away. You are not wanted here.
1400
01:17:53,460 --> 01:17:55,747
We haff vays of making you talk!
1401
01:17:55,796 --> 01:17:57,583
- Where is she?
- Sh-she left.
1402
01:17:57,673 --> 01:17:59,255
- For the Underground.
- Which one?
1403
01:17:59,300 --> 01:18:01,337
I have friends in ze underground.
1404
01:18:01,427 --> 01:18:03,009
Which one?
1405
01:18:08,684 --> 01:18:09,720
Liz!
1406
01:18:10,853 --> 01:18:11,853
LIZ!!!
1407
01:18:12,605 --> 01:18:14,958
- I've gotta talk to you, love.
- I'm going to my solicitor.
1408
01:18:14,982 --> 01:18:15,982
Solicitor?
1409
01:18:16,150 --> 01:18:18,267
- To see about a divorce.
- Oh, Liz.
1410
01:18:18,485 --> 01:18:20,727
- I've taken advice.
- Who from? That sour kraut?
1411
01:18:20,821 --> 01:18:22,733
- Miss "Tomorrow the World"?
- Geoffrey.
1412
01:18:22,990 --> 01:18:24,197
Oh, Geoffrey.
1413
01:18:24,617 --> 01:18:28,110
Geoffrey says there comes a moment
in everyone's life, when...
1414
01:18:28,162 --> 01:18:29,619
- There certainly does!
- Ooow!
1415
01:18:29,663 --> 01:18:30,870
Come on, Liz.
[SHE PROTESTS]
1416
01:18:30,915 --> 01:18:32,281
Just come on.
[LIZ SHOUTS]
1417
01:18:32,750 --> 01:18:36,209
Get in there!
Don't argue with me.
1418
01:18:36,378 --> 01:18:38,370
[TEDDY'S VOICE OVER LOUDSPEAKER]
Don't argue!
1419
01:18:39,548 --> 01:18:41,943
[LIZ - OVER LOUDSPEAKER]
It won't do any good. I've made up my mind.
1420
01:18:41,967 --> 01:18:43,727
You have?! You mean, that
lousy Geoffrey has.
1421
01:18:43,802 --> 01:18:45,714
I'll fix that bloody vicar!
1422
01:18:48,182 --> 01:18:50,424
- You were the one that started it all!
- It wasn't...
1423
01:18:50,517 --> 01:18:53,305
...me, it was you with all that
hoo-hah with Richard's knickers.
1424
01:18:53,395 --> 01:18:55,081
LIZ: This goes deeper than Richard's knickers.
1425
01:18:55,105 --> 01:18:57,472
It's you - you're sex-mad!
1426
01:18:57,733 --> 01:19:00,066
ME?! I haven't had sex
for months!
1427
01:19:00,653 --> 01:19:02,360
What d'you think they're advertising?
1428
01:19:02,446 --> 01:19:06,156
Dunno. Must be new stuff they're
putting in the toothpaste.
1429
01:19:06,408 --> 01:19:08,525
[STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
1430
01:19:13,332 --> 01:19:14,118
Greetings.
1431
01:19:14,333 --> 01:19:16,700
And, tonight, Confrontation
will be discussing...
1432
01:19:16,919 --> 01:19:19,457
...racial discrimination among
unmarried mothers.
1433
01:19:19,546 --> 01:19:22,163
[MUSIC AND APPLAUSE]
1434
01:19:22,258 --> 01:19:25,422
Thursday's outbreak of violence at
the National Bowls Championship.
1435
01:19:25,469 --> 01:19:28,132
[MUSIC AND APPLAUSE]
1436
01:19:28,180 --> 01:19:30,137
But first, today's headlines.
1437
01:19:30,224 --> 01:19:33,433
The dispute on sex in
television commercials...
1438
01:19:33,769 --> 01:19:38,434
...and the remarkable charges brought by the
England Clean, England Strong Society.
1439
01:19:38,482 --> 01:19:40,439
Stand by, Two.
1440
01:19:40,651 --> 01:19:42,438
And now, to open the batting...
1441
01:19:42,611 --> 01:19:44,443
- ...Reverend Mellish.
- On you, Two.
1442
01:19:44,613 --> 01:19:47,071
Look, let's not make a big thing of this.
1443
01:19:47,157 --> 01:19:49,524
All we're suggesting - all we're hinting...
1444
01:19:49,618 --> 01:19:54,989
...is that there's already too much filthy,
sex-obsessed sewage muck on TV.
1445
01:19:55,499 --> 01:19:58,663
And why should it be thrust at us
in the commercials as well?
1446
01:19:58,752 --> 01:20:00,664
Oh, come, now - that's simply discrimination.
1447
01:20:00,754 --> 01:20:04,043
Balderdash! It's time that sex was
put back where it belongs...
1448
01:20:04,091 --> 01:20:07,505
...in the bedrooms of prostitutes
and decently married couples.
1449
01:20:07,636 --> 01:20:09,956
TEDDY, STILL ON LOUDSPEAKER:
All I want is my normal quota!
1450
01:20:10,264 --> 01:20:13,223
TEDDY: I mean, is that too much to ask,
just my normal quota of sex?
1451
01:20:13,434 --> 01:20:15,221
TEDDY:
I mean, that's all any man wants.
1452
01:20:15,477 --> 01:20:17,514
TEDDY:
Just a normal sex life.
1453
01:20:17,688 --> 01:20:19,429
[CAMPILY]
Speak for yourself, darlin'.
1454
01:20:19,523 --> 01:20:21,560
Well, would you think it right
to represent...
1455
01:20:21,650 --> 01:20:24,108
...actual intercourse in a commercial?
1456
01:20:24,236 --> 01:20:25,236
Yes, would you?
1457
01:20:25,279 --> 01:20:28,443
I think there should be no copulation
without representation.
1458
01:20:28,490 --> 01:20:29,856
I go along with that.
1459
01:20:30,159 --> 01:20:32,071
TEDDY ON SPEAKER:
It's not me, it's your lot.
1460
01:20:32,161 --> 01:20:33,993
TEDDY:
You're pre-occupied with sex!
1461
01:20:34,038 --> 01:20:36,155
TEDDY:
Every night, sitting around the telly...
1462
01:20:36,206 --> 01:20:37,868
TEDDY:
...totting up the tits and bums.
1463
01:20:37,958 --> 01:20:40,371
I am entirely against censorship.
1464
01:20:40,669 --> 01:20:42,376
I uphold the right of the artist...
1465
01:20:42,421 --> 01:20:45,209
...to express freely whatever he
wants to, providing...
1466
01:20:45,758 --> 01:20:49,593
...he does not put it in a television show or
a film or a play, or anywhere...
1467
01:20:49,636 --> 01:20:51,593
...where the public can see it.
1468
01:20:51,680 --> 01:20:53,158
LIZ ON SPEAKER:
And as for that au pair girl...
1469
01:20:53,182 --> 01:20:56,675
...don't think I don't know what went
on with you and her in that flat.
1470
01:20:56,769 --> 01:20:58,681
LIZ:
Call that a normal quota?
1471
01:20:58,729 --> 01:21:02,348
[SPEEDED-UP BABBLE]
1472
01:21:02,524 --> 01:21:04,356
Follow that toothpaste tube!
1473
01:21:04,401 --> 01:21:06,017
Right in one's living room...
1474
01:21:06,195 --> 01:21:09,939
...men and women in bed,
shoulders being stroked...
1475
01:21:10,074 --> 01:21:12,612
...noses burrowing into
each other's necks...
1476
01:21:12,701 --> 01:21:16,661
...sometimes you can't work out where the
man ends and the woman begins!
1477
01:21:16,705 --> 01:21:18,662
It's not exactly incandescent, is it?
1478
01:21:18,707 --> 01:21:20,118
Do you find it incandescent?
1479
01:21:21,585 --> 01:21:22,871
[TYRES SCREECH]
1480
01:21:28,592 --> 01:21:29,708
Aahh!
1481
01:21:32,054 --> 01:21:35,263
Sorry sir. No admittance to Studio unless
you're taking part in a production.
1482
01:21:35,641 --> 01:21:37,928
Uh... well, I am taking part
in the production.
1483
01:21:38,227 --> 01:21:39,388
What as?
1484
01:21:39,478 --> 01:21:40,639
[SIGHS]
1485
01:21:43,065 --> 01:21:46,058
None of us wants to inhibit
freedom of expression.
1486
01:21:46,151 --> 01:21:48,017
It's just a question of priorities.
1487
01:21:48,112 --> 01:21:50,775
OH! Oh, leave me alone, you...
Take the van!
1488
01:21:52,408 --> 01:21:53,408
Here..?
1489
01:21:53,534 --> 01:21:54,534
You a bishop?
1490
01:21:54,576 --> 01:21:56,936
Well, who do you think I am with
this, then? Bloody Bo Peep?
1491
01:21:57,121 --> 01:21:59,204
- 'Ere - hold on!
- Course I'm a bishop, you twit!
1492
01:21:59,540 --> 01:22:00,576
Ooaaarh!
1493
01:22:02,042 --> 01:22:03,203
Bless you, my son.
1494
01:22:03,752 --> 01:22:05,709
And what is the most important
thing today?
1495
01:22:06,213 --> 01:22:08,170
Well, to my mind, it's the home.
1496
01:22:08,257 --> 01:22:11,750
The sacred and inviolable institution
of marriage.
1497
01:22:12,052 --> 01:22:15,591
You lying bastard!
[EXCLAMATIONS]
1498
01:22:15,681 --> 01:22:17,593
[SHOUTS AMONG AUDIENCE]
1499
01:22:17,766 --> 01:22:19,974
You two-face berk!
1500
01:22:20,519 --> 01:22:23,136
All you wanna do is get your
sweaty hands on my wife!
1501
01:22:23,188 --> 01:22:25,508
You don't give a monkey's about
breaking up people's homes.
1502
01:22:25,607 --> 01:22:28,441
With my rod and staff I shall
comfort you, mate!
1503
01:22:28,694 --> 01:22:29,810
Oww!
1504
01:22:31,530 --> 01:22:32,530
No!
1505
01:22:34,908 --> 01:22:37,901
This seems a LITTLE lively.
Stay on the bishop, Four.
1506
01:22:37,995 --> 01:22:40,533
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
You git!
1507
01:22:41,081 --> 01:22:42,538
Anyone know which bishop it is?
1508
01:22:43,041 --> 01:22:45,954
Er, can we super an attachment
showing his... diocese?
1509
01:22:46,086 --> 01:22:47,952
Kill him, Geoff!!
1510
01:22:53,635 --> 01:22:54,421
Oh, nice.
1511
01:22:54,470 --> 01:22:55,881
Oh, you stinker!
1512
01:22:57,681 --> 01:23:00,640
[ANGRY SHOUTS]
1513
01:23:00,642 --> 01:23:02,383
You bitch! You bitch!
1514
01:23:02,644 --> 01:23:04,351
Silly old clot!
[THWACK]
1515
01:23:05,189 --> 01:23:07,897
Nat! For God's sake, do something.
1516
01:23:07,983 --> 01:23:09,724
- For heaven's sake, look...
- Get off!!
1517
01:23:09,818 --> 01:23:10,818
Aaagh...
1518
01:23:11,904 --> 01:23:14,647
And turning to you, Mr Kaplan, what
are your views on violence?
1519
01:23:14,656 --> 01:23:17,364
Listen, I'm an American.
I don't belong in this war.
1520
01:23:20,829 --> 01:23:22,786
Change lens, Three.
1521
01:23:22,831 --> 01:23:24,072
MELLISH!
1522
01:23:25,250 --> 01:23:28,459
D'you know, this is beginning to take
on the quality of real television debate.
1523
01:23:29,213 --> 01:23:30,933
[MARTIAL MUSIC]
I'm coming for you, Mellish!
1524
01:23:31,131 --> 01:23:32,793
I'll have you!
1525
01:23:32,841 --> 01:23:34,798
You slimy ba...
1526
01:23:35,469 --> 01:23:36,801
All right, Vicar?
1527
01:23:36,929 --> 01:23:39,763
- Look, don't... Look, please..!
- Now turn the other cheek, mate.
1528
01:23:39,765 --> 01:23:40,801
AGH! Ooh!
1529
01:23:45,103 --> 01:23:46,103
Teddy!
1530
01:23:47,356 --> 01:23:49,689
[AUDIENCE ROARS]
1531
01:23:49,858 --> 01:23:51,645
- Teddy!
- Er, pardon me.
1532
01:23:51,693 --> 01:23:53,650
I'm looking for my husband.
1533
01:23:53,820 --> 01:23:57,063
- Do you know Nat Kaplan?
- Why, most certainly.
1534
01:23:57,824 --> 01:23:58,860
Teddy!
1535
01:23:58,909 --> 01:24:02,778
[CIRCUS-STYLE MUSIC:
"THE BLUE DANUBE"]
1536
01:24:12,381 --> 01:24:13,246
Hello...
1537
01:24:13,382 --> 01:24:14,382
...Nat.
1538
01:24:18,178 --> 01:24:20,386
[SHE LAUGHS]
What is this?
1539
01:24:20,472 --> 01:24:24,216
MCLAUGHLIN: Come back down here,
ye bobby dazzler, and I'll whisper.
1540
01:24:27,104 --> 01:24:29,312
Teddy, you'll kill yourself!
1541
01:24:31,692 --> 01:24:34,981
Teddy!
[SCREAMS]
1542
01:24:42,327 --> 01:24:43,909
- Elvira?
- Wallace.
1543
01:24:43,954 --> 01:24:45,911
[STAMMERING]
Jack, as a matter of fact.
1544
01:24:46,039 --> 01:24:48,519
Where d'you think you're goin', an'
what're we gonna call this?
1545
01:24:49,418 --> 01:24:50,829
[GASPS AMONG AUDIENCE]
1546
01:24:55,465 --> 01:24:57,832
[SQUEALING]
Teddy!
1547
01:24:58,218 --> 01:25:00,756
Oh, Teddy!
1548
01:25:04,933 --> 01:25:07,095
[SCREAMING]
1549
01:25:08,395 --> 01:25:09,395
[SOUND OF DOOR SLAMMING]
1550
01:25:09,855 --> 01:25:10,855
Right.
1551
01:25:23,702 --> 01:25:25,443
Right! Trapped!
1552
01:25:25,495 --> 01:25:28,408
Trapped!
[MANIC LAUGHTER]
1553
01:25:28,790 --> 01:25:30,998
TRAPPED!
[DEMENTED LAUGHTER]
1554
01:25:31,084 --> 01:25:32,996
HA, HA, HA! Ha... ah...
1555
01:25:33,086 --> 01:25:34,086
...er...
1556
01:25:34,379 --> 01:25:35,379
Mellish?
1557
01:25:37,257 --> 01:25:38,464
Mellish?
1558
01:25:40,594 --> 01:25:41,594
Mellish?
1559
01:25:43,555 --> 01:25:44,555
Mellish?
1560
01:25:47,434 --> 01:25:48,434
Mellish!
1561
01:25:49,227 --> 01:25:50,934
I know you're in here somewhere.
1562
01:26:04,951 --> 01:26:09,696
[PLAYFULLY SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
1563
01:26:18,340 --> 01:26:19,456
AH!
1564
01:26:19,800 --> 01:26:22,213
Ahh-haa-haah..!
1565
01:26:22,469 --> 01:26:24,631
[MARTIAL ARTS NOISES]
1566
01:26:24,680 --> 01:26:25,761
[BOING]
1567
01:26:26,682 --> 01:26:29,095
[CACKLING INSIDE FIGURE]
1568
01:26:35,399 --> 01:26:36,935
[GIBBERING]
1569
01:26:40,696 --> 01:26:42,028
Mellish!
1570
01:26:42,030 --> 01:26:43,441
Mellish?
1571
01:26:45,242 --> 01:26:46,242
[LILTINGLY]
Mellish..?
1572
01:26:49,121 --> 01:26:50,157
[LILTINGLY]
Mellish..?
1573
01:26:50,288 --> 01:26:52,371
[LOUD GROAN]
1574
01:26:55,001 --> 01:26:57,414
[MELLISH LAUGHS]
1575
01:26:58,463 --> 01:27:01,422
[CLUNKING NOISES]
1576
01:27:02,342 --> 01:27:07,462
[CLUNKING AND BANGING NOISES]
1577
01:27:08,473 --> 01:27:09,133
Oh!
1578
01:27:09,266 --> 01:27:10,723
[MELLISH LAUGHS]
1579
01:27:10,809 --> 01:27:12,971
[LAUGHTER TURNS TO A GROAN]
1580
01:27:13,270 --> 01:27:16,434
[TENSE MUSIC]
1581
01:27:19,735 --> 01:27:20,735
UGH!
1582
01:27:20,861 --> 01:27:22,227
[CYMBAL SMASH]
1583
01:27:23,613 --> 01:27:25,696
[TEDDY GRUNTS]
1584
01:27:28,368 --> 01:27:29,404
Yeaahh!
1585
01:27:32,456 --> 01:27:33,456
[LOUND CLANG]
1586
01:27:33,498 --> 01:27:34,033
Oooh!
1587
01:27:34,082 --> 01:27:36,699
[MELLISH CACKLES]
1588
01:27:46,011 --> 01:27:47,011
[POP]
1589
01:27:47,596 --> 01:27:48,632
[MELLISH LAUGHS]
1590
01:27:48,680 --> 01:27:50,922
Ah, hah, hah, hah!
1591
01:27:51,099 --> 01:27:51,555
Hmm?
1592
01:27:51,641 --> 01:27:55,009
[EPIC FILM MUSIC]
1593
01:27:55,061 --> 01:27:59,681
[SHOUTING AND SWORDS CLASHING]
1594
01:28:03,904 --> 01:28:05,190
Ha-haaahh!
1595
01:28:15,415 --> 01:28:17,452
[TRIUMPHANT SHOUTING]
1596
01:28:21,880 --> 01:28:24,213
YEEAAAAARH!
1597
01:28:38,939 --> 01:28:42,182
[THUNDEROUS RUMBLING AND CRASHING]
1598
01:28:43,235 --> 01:28:44,235
Agh!
1599
01:28:48,615 --> 01:28:49,615
Oop!
1600
01:29:02,045 --> 01:29:03,786
Yeuuuurrgh-ooow!
1601
01:29:05,966 --> 01:29:07,002
Missed!
1602
01:29:10,136 --> 01:29:11,593
Never touched me!
1603
01:29:11,680 --> 01:29:13,763
[RAPID FOOTSTEPS]
1604
01:29:13,932 --> 01:29:15,013
Mellish!
1605
01:29:17,727 --> 01:29:19,093
Yeuuh..!
1606
01:29:20,146 --> 01:29:21,432
Mellish!
1607
01:29:23,275 --> 01:29:27,565
[HOWLING]
1608
01:29:30,115 --> 01:29:31,115
[CREAKING]
1609
01:29:31,575 --> 01:29:32,986
[WHIMPERING]
1610
01:29:33,076 --> 01:29:34,863
[GRUNTING]
1611
01:29:36,079 --> 01:29:40,119
[BATTLE HORN SOUNDS]
1612
01:29:40,292 --> 01:29:41,533
[CREAKING]
1613
01:29:44,129 --> 01:29:46,166
[GRUNTING AND BANGING]
1614
01:29:46,423 --> 01:29:48,164
[PANTING]
1615
01:29:51,052 --> 01:29:53,590
[TEDDY GIVES A LITTLE WHIMPER]
1616
01:29:53,680 --> 01:29:58,175
[EPIC FILM MUSIC]
1617
01:30:00,770 --> 01:30:05,140
[SOUND FIREWORKS]
1618
01:30:10,322 --> 01:30:16,785
[HOWLS AND DEMENTED LAUGHTER]
1619
01:30:19,831 --> 01:30:23,324
You conduct went far beyond the
bounds of civilised behaviour.
1620
01:30:23,919 --> 01:30:27,754
Your Worship, this is not,
whatever might at first appear...
1621
01:30:27,797 --> 01:30:31,165
...your ordinary run-of-the-mill brawl
between a clergyman...
1622
01:30:31,217 --> 01:30:35,006
...and an advertising practitioner,
disguised as an archbishop...
1623
01:30:35,138 --> 01:30:36,549
...in a television studio.
1624
01:30:36,848 --> 01:30:39,511
No. My client claims that
the plaintiff...
1625
01:30:39,559 --> 01:30:42,643
...was responsible for his wife
starting divorce proceedings.
1626
01:30:42,729 --> 01:30:44,595
No! He wasn't responsible.
1627
01:30:44,689 --> 01:30:45,930
Well, it wasn't me, darling.
1628
01:30:46,107 --> 01:30:47,939
Kindly address your remarks to the court.
1629
01:30:48,193 --> 01:30:50,059
It wasn't me, darling.
1630
01:30:51,529 --> 01:30:52,895
Then who was responsible?
1631
01:30:54,074 --> 01:30:56,566
That Swedish slag!
1632
01:30:56,660 --> 01:30:59,619
Mmm. I have, er... evidence of...
1633
01:30:59,829 --> 01:31:03,118
...Scottish porridge, but, erm...
Swedish slag..?
1634
01:31:03,458 --> 01:31:04,289
HER!
1635
01:31:04,376 --> 01:31:09,292
She is responsible. She spent the
night with him in Kaplan's flat.
1636
01:31:09,547 --> 01:31:12,790
But nothing happened with Mr Brown
that night - I swear it didn't.
1637
01:31:12,926 --> 01:31:15,168
It was Mr Kaplan I was in bed with.
1638
01:31:15,345 --> 01:31:19,305
See, in England, "in bed with" means, um,
it means, um...
1639
01:31:19,307 --> 01:31:21,674
It don't mean "gardening", buster!
1640
01:31:21,726 --> 01:31:24,719
No, I still don't seem to have
any documents on slag.
1641
01:31:24,771 --> 01:31:27,416
If nothing happened, how come you
were in the Miss Goldilocks competition...
1642
01:31:27,440 --> 01:31:30,080
...when my husband said he'd bought
your plane ticket to Stockholm?
1643
01:31:30,110 --> 01:31:31,396
Sir! Sir!
1644
01:31:32,195 --> 01:31:34,152
Please, sir - can I
say something?
1645
01:31:34,739 --> 01:31:36,446
The child of the union, sir.
1646
01:31:36,741 --> 01:31:38,653
Oh. Oh, yes - by all means.
1647
01:31:38,702 --> 01:31:40,659
Please, sir - I entered Inga.
1648
01:31:42,622 --> 01:31:44,204
You entered Inga?!
1649
01:31:46,126 --> 01:31:48,493
- How old is this child?
- Your Worship...
1650
01:31:48,712 --> 01:31:50,499
...I think I can explain.
1651
01:31:51,548 --> 01:31:52,914
On second thoughts, I...
1652
01:31:53,299 --> 01:31:54,915
...don't think I can explain.
1653
01:31:55,301 --> 01:31:58,214
For the competition. I felt I
owed her something...
1654
01:31:58,346 --> 01:32:00,884
- ...because of her knickers.
- Knickers?
1655
01:32:01,933 --> 01:32:05,722
I seem to have a peculiarly inadequate briefing
on this particular, erm... [CLEARS THROAT]
1656
01:32:06,271 --> 01:32:10,356
...um, Mr Slocombe - do knickers
constitute an exhibit?
1657
01:32:10,734 --> 01:32:12,691
SLOCOMBE:
Not to my knowledge, Your Worship.
1658
01:32:12,861 --> 01:32:17,071
SLOCOMBE: Of course... I could ask the young
person to favour Your Worship with a, er...
1659
01:32:17,574 --> 01:32:20,386
- SLOCOMBE:...glimpse of the, er...
- MAGISTRATE: Oh, no, no, Mr Slocombe.
1660
01:32:20,410 --> 01:32:22,090
MAGISTRATE:
The more I hear of this case...
1661
01:32:22,162 --> 01:32:25,781
...the more certain I become that
restraint is necessary on all sides.
1662
01:32:25,874 --> 01:32:31,211
MAGISTRATE: Rarely - to the best of my belief -
have I been subjected to such a catalogue of...
1663
01:32:31,254 --> 01:32:33,120
...violence and licentiousness.
1664
01:32:34,090 --> 01:32:37,800
MAGISTRATE: For the Crown...
[MAGISTRATE'S VOICE FADES]
1665
01:32:37,886 --> 01:32:40,594
[TENDER, ROMANTIC MUSIC]
1666
01:33:03,036 --> 01:33:10,785
[COMICAL MARCHING MUSIC]
1667
01:33:15,131 --> 01:33:18,966
[END THEME MUSIC]
123811
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