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1
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:33,323
[Applause]
2
00:00:41,508 --> 00:00:44,068
What do you always
got to hide my face for?
3
00:00:44,177 --> 00:00:44,644
Stop.
4
00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:45,745
Here, hold these.
5
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,524
I'm going across the
street to that greenhouse
6
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:48,345
to buy some more.
7
00:00:48,448 --> 00:00:49,792
You're going to that
greenhouse? Where?
8
00:00:49,816 --> 00:00:51,307
Right across the street there.
9
00:00:51,418 --> 00:00:52,698
That's a white house over there.
10
00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,085
That's the greenhouse.
11
00:00:54,187 --> 00:00:55,951
How can that white
house be a greenhouse?
12
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,422
That is the greenhouse.
13
00:00:57,591 --> 00:00:59,335
How can it be a greenhouse
if it's painted white?
14
00:00:59,359 --> 00:01:00,904
What is the difference
how it's painted?
15
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:03,193
If it was painted red, it
would still be a greenhouse.
16
00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:04,641
You mean if that
house was painted red
17
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:05,530
it would be a greenhouse?
18
00:01:05,632 --> 00:01:06,361
Well, sure!
19
00:01:06,466 --> 00:01:09,402
- Suppose it was painted blue.
- It would still be a greenhouse.
20
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:12,234
- Let me smell your breath.
- Oh, stop that.
21
00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:15,171
Ladies and gentlemen, I
want you to listen very carefully
22
00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:17,039
to the next lines
that Mr. Abbott reads,
23
00:01:17,144 --> 00:01:20,308
because here hangs
the plot of the entire story.
24
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:23,043
Take these flowers and
plant them in the backyard,
25
00:01:23,150 --> 00:01:25,449
and don't get in to any trouble.
26
00:01:25,552 --> 00:01:28,647
Was that not a
beautiful reading?
27
00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,223
[Applause]
28
00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:34,894
Hey, Louis!
29
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,726
[Speaking Italian]
30
00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:37,854
What do you got?
31
00:01:37,965 --> 00:01:41,163
I just make nice cakes this
morning from my bakery shop.
32
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:42,979
Oh, boy. I was going
to have breakfast, too.
33
00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:45,682
Well, you're lucky. I was going to
save you a trip to the restaurant.
34
00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:46,264
Oh, good.
35
00:01:46,373 --> 00:01:48,342
- You like maybe pineapple?
- Yeah.
36
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,536
- You try it.
- Oh, thank you.
37
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:53,556
- That's nice.
- That's pretty good pineapple.
38
00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:54,912
[Speaking Italian]
39
00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:58,247
Hey, maybe you like
chocolate. You like chocolate?
40
00:01:58,352 --> 00:02:01,447
- I'll try it.
- Nice chocolate, eh?
41
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:03,148
[Speaking Italian]
42
00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:03,848
No.
43
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:04,617
Oh.
44
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:06,421
Maybe you like coconut, eh?
45
00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:07,824
That's too fattening this here.
46
00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:08,952
- Too fattening?
- Yeah.
47
00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:10,758
Don't worry. My cake
is not make you fat.
48
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:12,526
- I'll try it.
- It's a coconut.
49
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:15,296
- Here, you want that?
- Let it here. It's all right.
50
00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:17,632
[Speaking Italian]
51
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:18,068
Mmm.
52
00:02:18,171 --> 00:02:19,171
[Speaking Italian]
53
00:02:19,239 --> 00:02:19,729
Huh?
54
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:22,173
[Speaking Italian]
55
00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:23,875
- I think that's enough.
- That's enough?
56
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:24,570
Yeah.
57
00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:27,079
What's the matter?
You got no time?
58
00:02:27,180 --> 00:02:28,512
Not now. See you later.
59
00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:30,277
- Just a minute, please.
- What?
60
00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:31,909
- You eat three cakes.
- Yeah?
61
00:02:32,019 --> 00:02:33,317
You owe me 30 cents.
62
00:02:33,420 --> 00:02:34,581
I ain't got no money!
63
00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:35,688
No money?
64
00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:36,781
[Laughs]
65
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:37,687
No money?
66
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:39,736
Why did you eat the cake
if you don't got no money?
67
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,025
I didn't have any money. So?
68
00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:43,791
That's the biggest
joke on me, huh?
69
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:45,388
[Laughs]
70
00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:50,129
Maybe you like the lemon pie?
71
00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:51,914
Oh, I ain't got no
money, Mr. Bacciagalupe.
72
00:02:51,938 --> 00:02:53,566
Well, no worry. You nice, Lou.
73
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,267
We friends a long time.
74
00:02:55,375 --> 00:02:57,367
I going to give you
lemon pie for nothing.
75
00:02:57,477 --> 00:02:59,139
Oh, thank you!
76
00:02:59,246 --> 00:03:00,737
- You take, eh?
- Yeah! Yeah!
77
00:03:04,751 --> 00:03:05,878
Oh!
78
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:09,320
Pie costs you 60 cents. I
heard Mr. Bacciagalupe.
79
00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:11,654
You're nothing but a hack.
80
00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:14,793
Hello.
81
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,675
- Were you addressing me?
- I'm not...
82
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,164
Why, I don't even know you!
83
00:03:18,331 --> 00:03:19,924
You certainly have your nerve.
84
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:22,798
How dare you speak to a
single girl you don't even know,
85
00:03:22,903 --> 00:03:26,135
a 19-year-old girl who lives all
by herself at 106 Maple Street
86
00:03:26,239 --> 00:03:28,504
on the second
floor, apartment 2B,
87
00:03:28,608 --> 00:03:30,119
and doesn't even
have a steady boyfriend
88
00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:31,406
and loves to go dancing
89
00:03:31,511 --> 00:03:33,412
and is home almost
every evening all by herself
90
00:03:33,513 --> 00:03:36,278
and whose telephone
number's cross view 64805.
91
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:37,510
My card.
92
00:03:37,617 --> 00:03:38,617
Fresh!
93
00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:40,419
I thought it was you!
94
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:41,954
Oh!
95
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,775
You thought you'd get
away with it, did you?
96
00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:45,416
Well, I'll teach
you a thing or two!
97
00:03:45,525 --> 00:03:48,393
Now, you just stop
hitting me on the head!
98
00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:50,225
I'm getting annoyed!
99
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:52,731
Oh, I've made a mistake.
You're the wrong man.
100
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:55,894
And sorry. I apologize to you. I
thought you were my husband.
101
00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:57,630
Even if I was your husband,
102
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,882
what right you got to hit me
on the head with an umbrella?
103
00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:03,843
What business is it of yours
how I treat my husband?
104
00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:07,139
I'll teach ya who to beat up!
105
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:14,382
♪ La la la la la la ♪
106
00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:16,047
Louis?
107
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:18,419
Oh, Louis, would you mind
coming over here a minute?
108
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:23,822
Sure.
109
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:25,660
Louis, would you put
some oil on my back?
110
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:26,893
Oh, sure.
111
00:04:28,368 --> 00:04:29,368
Obliging.
112
00:04:29,402 --> 00:04:30,267
That's me all over.
113
00:04:30,370 --> 00:04:31,748
Just put it on my
back and shoulders.
114
00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:33,570
You want me to put
this oil on your back?
115
00:04:33,673 --> 00:04:34,868
Yes, please.
116
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:36,739
This is ridiculous.
117
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,439
Don't pour it on. Rub it on.
118
00:04:39,546 --> 00:04:41,879
That's why I said it
was ridiculous. Okay.
119
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:46,182
Hold this. Thank you.
120
00:04:48,054 --> 00:04:49,613
I like to do this.
121
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:52,056
Oh, that's fine, Louis. Fine.
122
00:04:52,425 --> 00:04:53,324
Not so hard.
123
00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:54,519
- Is that nice?
- Mm-hmm.
124
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,597
- Nice and gently?
- Mm-hmm.
125
00:04:56,696 --> 00:04:58,688
- How's that?
- Fine.
126
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,532
- Hillary?
- Yes?
127
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,500
Are you coming out
tomorrow the same time?
128
00:05:02,602 --> 00:05:03,880
- Yes, uh-huh.
- For another sun bath?
129
00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:05,270
Uh-huh.
130
00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:07,637
Can I put some
more oil on your back?
131
00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:09,819
That's a deal. Tomorrow, when
I come out to take a sun bath,
132
00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:11,607
you can put some oil on my back.
133
00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:16,342
If it's all right with you tomorrow,
can I take my gloves off?
134
00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:22,250
Be careful.
135
00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:24,722
You have me in a gog.
136
00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:29,919
Hold that, will you?
137
00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,433
There you are,
Louis. Thanks again.
138
00:05:34,534 --> 00:05:35,968
You're welcome.
139
00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:39,362
[Humming]
140
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,542
Louis!
141
00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:56,622
- Sorry.
- Oh, you!
142
00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:57,988
I'm sorry.
143
00:05:58,091 --> 00:05:59,184
I didn't know.
144
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,885
You didn't know. You never
know. That's the trouble with you.
145
00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:04,521
Now look what you've done.
You've ruined my sunsuit.
146
00:06:04,631 --> 00:06:06,998
- I'll buy you another one.
- With what?
147
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:09,831
I'll have to do it with the
allowance I get from my candy.
148
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:12,064
Oh, you!
149
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:14,631
Think of me.
150
00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:17,506
I won't have no
candy for a month.
151
00:06:17,644 --> 00:06:19,476
You and your big nozzle!
152
00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:22,780
[Laughs]
153
00:06:27,854 --> 00:06:29,152
Wait till I get dried off.
154
00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:30,622
I'm sorry!
155
00:06:39,866 --> 00:06:42,859
What are you trying to
do, play fireman, Hillary?
156
00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,237
It ain't going to
get you no place.
157
00:07:42,595 --> 00:07:45,827
What right have you got to
be bigger than the other ones?
158
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:11,522
ABBOTT: Hey, Lou!
159
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:19,832
Hey, Lou!
160
00:08:19,866 --> 00:08:20,866
What are you doing?
161
00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:23,245
I'm picking oranges for Hillary.
I want to make up with her.
162
00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:24,703
Oh. Listen.
163
00:08:24,804 --> 00:08:25,897
- Hey!
- What's the matter?
164
00:08:26,072 --> 00:08:27,404
I must be a magician.
165
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,941
I'm making these
oranges disappear.
166
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:30,806
Now, never mind the oranges.
167
00:08:30,944 --> 00:08:32,955
I'm telling you, every time I go
to pick an orange, it disappears.
168
00:08:32,979 --> 00:08:34,174
Disappears?
169
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,307
Oh, that's nothing but
crows. Crows love oranges.
170
00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:38,646
Are you kidding? Certainly.
171
00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:39,583
A crow is doing that?
172
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,230
Oh, there may be a
mess of crows up in there.
173
00:08:41,254 --> 00:08:42,586
Go get my sawed-off shotgun.
174
00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:45,386
Don't go away,
crow. I'll get you.
175
00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:48,519
Hey, what kind of a
sawed-off shotgun is that?
176
00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:51,530
How do you like that? I
sawed it off at the wrong end.
177
00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:54,391
[Woman screams]
178
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:56,464
- Hey.
- Uh-oh.
179
00:08:56,569 --> 00:08:57,935
Does crows sound like that?
180
00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,370
Yeah. That was
a crow, all right.
181
00:08:59,472 --> 00:09:01,065
Mrs. Crumbcake you shot.
182
00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:02,642
I'll see you south
of the border.
183
00:09:02,742 --> 00:09:04,108
No, you don't.
184
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:05,701
- See what happened.
- Hold that.
185
00:09:05,812 --> 00:09:07,508
Go see what happened.
186
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:15,086
- You shot me out of this tree!
- Hello, Mrs. Crumbcake.
187
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:16,019
How dare you shoot at me
188
00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:17,954
when I'm up in the
tree gathering oranges!
189
00:09:18,124 --> 00:09:20,569
I mean, after all, that'll teach
you enough to steal my oranges.
190
00:09:20,593 --> 00:09:22,118
- Your oranges?
- Yes.
191
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:25,665
For your information, this
tree hangs over into my yard,
192
00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:26,765
and the law says
193
00:09:26,866 --> 00:09:29,961
that anything that hangs
over my fence belongs to me!
194
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,163
Is she right, Abbott?
195
00:09:31,271 --> 00:09:34,435
Wait a minute, Mrs. Crumbcake.
Did you ever see a fat man at a bar?
196
00:09:34,541 --> 00:09:35,770
Yes, what about it?
197
00:09:35,875 --> 00:09:37,219
Well, the part that
hangs over the bar,
198
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,609
does that belong
to the bartender?
199
00:09:38,711 --> 00:09:39,474
[Laughs]
200
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:40,877
Quiet!
201
00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:44,540
Mrs. Crumbcake, I don't see where
any serious damage has been done,
202
00:09:44,651 --> 00:09:47,086
and Lou will apologize for
anything that he has done.
203
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,465
- What do you mean, "apologize"?
- Stop fighting with the lady!
204
00:09:49,489 --> 00:09:50,529
I'm not fighting with her.
205
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,923
In my days, men never
fought with women.
206
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,586
In your days, men were too
busy fighting with the Indians!
207
00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:56,422
[Laughs]
208
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:57,588
Quiet!
209
00:09:57,697 --> 00:10:00,997
Mrs. Crumbcake, I can't see
where any serious damage
210
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,478
has been done
outside of your pride.
211
00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:03,993
Oh, is that so?
212
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,834
Well, let me show you.
213
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,807
You perforated my bucket!
214
00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:10,900
I perforated her bucket.
215
00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:12,555
How much does a
little thing like this cost?
216
00:10:12,579 --> 00:10:15,048
79 cents, including sales tax.
217
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,892
- I think we'll have to pay it.
- No, you don't.
218
00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:18,282
You'll make no cash settlement
219
00:10:18,384 --> 00:10:20,376
until we consult a
competent attorney.
220
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:21,546
Okay.
221
00:10:21,654 --> 00:10:24,233
For your information, I'm going in
the house and calling my lawyer!
222
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:25,850
Go call him! We'll
see you in court!
223
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,791
You bet you will!
224
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,486
I'll charge you with slander!
225
00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:31,394
I'll charge you with
assault and battery!
226
00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:33,524
I'll charge you with
attempted murder!
227
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:36,831
Why, before I'm through with
you, this case will cost you $5,000!
228
00:10:37,003 --> 00:10:38,335
Now what have you got to say?
229
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:39,497
You can charge that, too.
230
00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:40,665
Aah!
231
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:42,700
Come on. We'll see my attorney.
232
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:45,335
Wait a minute. I thought
your attorney was in jail.
233
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:47,880
He got out this
morning. He's smart.
234
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,176
Come on.
235
00:10:54,053 --> 00:10:55,544
[Applause]
236
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:06,224
Abbott, why don't you let me
pay Mrs. Crumbcake the 79 cents?
237
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,961
What? And give
up all the principles
238
00:11:09,068 --> 00:11:11,128
that Patrick Henry,
Thomas Jefferson,
239
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:13,536
and Benjamin
Franklin fought for?
240
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:17,372
You mean they all perforated
Mrs. Crumbcake's bucket, too?
241
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:18,342
Never mind.
242
00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:20,345
We're going down
to see my lawyer.
243
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,414
- Come on.
- Here we go.
244
00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,349
Mister attorney, now
that you have the facts,
245
00:11:25,451 --> 00:11:27,750
do you think you can help
this poor, unfortunate boy?
246
00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:30,255
Well, certainly. Mr. Costello,
you know what I'm going to do?
247
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:33,552
The first thing I'm going to do is
slap on a writ of habeas corpus,
248
00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,060
then a writ of certiorari
249
00:11:35,161 --> 00:11:37,824
and then I'll slap on
a writ of mandamus.
250
00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:38,660
That's good.
251
00:11:38,765 --> 00:11:42,395
Well, it's not good for you,
but I just love to put on the writs.
252
00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:43,902
[Laughs]
253
00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:45,938
[Laughs mockingly]
254
00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:48,017
- Let's get out of here.
- What's the matter with you?
255
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,134
This guy's a half-writ.
256
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:51,268
He's one of the slickest
attorneys in town.
257
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:52,377
You bet I am.
258
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:55,143
I promise you that
I'll get you out of jail.
259
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:55,681
Yeah?
260
00:11:55,782 --> 00:11:57,580
The minute your sentence is up.
261
00:11:59,919 --> 00:12:01,547
You pick some lulus, brother.
262
00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:03,465
My boy, do you know
what I'm going to do with you
263
00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:04,388
when I get you in court?
264
00:12:04,490 --> 00:12:06,118
- Tell him.
- Oh, this is wonderful.
265
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:09,719
First I'll put you on the
witness stand all by yourself,
266
00:12:09,829 --> 00:12:12,355
and I'll show the judge
your peculiar dilemma.
267
00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:16,095
Then I'll drag all your
antecedents into the courtroom,
268
00:12:16,202 --> 00:12:19,036
and I'll expose your
entire background,
269
00:12:19,138 --> 00:12:23,633
and then, my boy,
then I will split your plea,
270
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:29,478
and I'll drop your
briefs in front of the jury.
271
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:33,542
You wouldn't dare. You
haven't got the nerve.
272
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:35,713
CLARENCE:
Mr. Sidney? Mr. Sidney?
273
00:12:35,822 --> 00:12:38,257
Yes? What is it,
Clarence, my boy?
274
00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:39,690
CLARENCE: Would
you mind giving me
275
00:12:39,792 --> 00:12:41,351
the papers on the Bradley case?
276
00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:44,590
Well, of course, my
boy. You bet your life.
277
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:46,723
- There you are, Clarence.
- CLARENCE: Thank you.
278
00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:48,529
You're welcome, my lad.
279
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:49,635
Who's that?
280
00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:51,501
Oh, that's just a young
lawyer friend of mine.
281
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,402
You see, he can't
afford to rent an office
282
00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:57,466
so he rents drawer
space in my desk here.
283
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:03,575
This is one lawyer that
is not going to defend me!
284
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:07,586
You are not going to defend me!
285
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:13,352
Your Honor, this case is very
simple, almost as simple as my client.
286
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,360
Look at him sitting over there.
287
00:13:15,461 --> 00:13:17,089
What does he look like to you?
288
00:13:17,263 --> 00:13:19,698
Why, he looks to me like...
289
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:22,497
I think I need new glasses.
290
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:25,036
Abbott, I don't think
this judge likes me.
291
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,869
Will you please let me pay the
79 cents and get out of here?
292
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:29,203
Are you crazy?
293
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:31,608
You pay Mrs.
Crumbcake that 79 cents,
294
00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:33,373
you're admitting your guilt!
295
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:35,971
I want you to fight this
thing. Fight it right through.
296
00:13:36,082 --> 00:13:38,142
I want you to walk out
of here with clean hands.
297
00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:41,085
If I listen to you,
I'll be all washed up.
298
00:13:41,888 --> 00:13:43,516
Any more loud talking
in this courtroom,
299
00:13:43,623 --> 00:13:45,023
and I shall order
you both to leave.
300
00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:47,836
[Loudly]: Well, Abbott,
my boy, what do you say?
301
00:13:47,860 --> 00:13:49,954
Is everything all
right with you?
302
00:13:50,396 --> 00:13:51,489
Come on.
303
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,394
Mr. Costello, take
the witness chair.
304
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,245
Take the chair.
305
00:14:08,147 --> 00:14:09,581
Hear, hear!
306
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:12,174
- Where are you going?
- You told me to take the chair.
307
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:13,753
Put it down!
308
00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:21,652
Will the defendant
take off his hat?
309
00:14:24,630 --> 00:14:28,260
Will the defendant
take off his hat?
310
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:29,996
Come on, folks.
You heard the judge.
311
00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:33,198
Whose ever wearing
a hat, take it off!
312
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,864
You!
313
00:14:34,974 --> 00:14:38,001
Will you please
take off your hat?
314
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:39,340
I didn't see it.
315
00:14:40,913 --> 00:14:42,006
Sit down!
316
00:14:46,085 --> 00:14:47,383
Proceed counsel.
317
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:50,717
Your Honor, it seems
that my client here
318
00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:54,351
took a sawed-off shotgun,
he aimed at a woman,
319
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:59,023
a poor, unfortunate woman
up in a tree picking oranges.
320
00:14:59,132 --> 00:15:00,657
He fired that weapon,
321
00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:03,669
knocked that poor, misguided
woman to the ground,
322
00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:08,902
causing her great bodily injury
and perforating her bucket.
323
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:12,045
The defense rests, Your Honor.
324
00:15:12,211 --> 00:15:14,112
Whose side are you on?
325
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:17,216
You're supposed
to be my attorney!
326
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:19,751
Look, Your Honor. I mean,
after all, Mrs. Crumbcake,
327
00:15:19,852 --> 00:15:23,345
the woman that is suing me for
the 79 cents, she's not even here!
328
00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:26,119
I think this case... I think
the whole thing is dishonest.
329
00:15:26,292 --> 00:15:29,285
Are you intermitting that
this is not an honest court?
330
00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:31,640
Well, I mean, after all, if she
ain't here, what kind of case...
331
00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:32,495
Quiet!
332
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:33,963
I'll have you to understand
333
00:15:34,066 --> 00:15:37,594
that anyone appearing before
me in this court gets justice
334
00:15:37,703 --> 00:15:42,334
or my name isn't Judge
Henry Joe Crumbcake.
335
00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:43,635
Oh.
336
00:15:45,111 --> 00:15:47,342
That's Crumbcake? Yes, Sir!
337
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,814
That's Judge Crumbcake!
That's Judge Crumbcake!
338
00:15:49,916 --> 00:15:51,612
Quiet!
339
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:55,217
Counsel, have you
anything more to say
340
00:15:55,321 --> 00:15:57,415
before I find the
defendant guilty?
341
00:15:57,523 --> 00:16:01,290
Your Honor, on
behalf of my client here,
342
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,327
I plead insanity.
343
00:16:03,429 --> 00:16:06,024
This guy's killing me, Abbott!
344
00:16:06,132 --> 00:16:08,192
What are you
pleading insanity for?
345
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:09,735
What's wrong with that?
346
00:16:09,836 --> 00:16:11,304
I'm not crazy!
347
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,235
Shh! That's the law, my boy!
348
00:16:13,339 --> 00:16:16,798
I'm taking advantage
of the insanity clause!
349
00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:19,344
What's Santa Claus
got to do with this?
350
00:16:19,445 --> 00:16:22,279
He don't come till December!
351
00:16:22,381 --> 00:16:24,714
Will the defendant
step up to the bar?
352
00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:28,617
It's awful nice of you,
Judge, but I don't drink.
353
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:31,124
Step up before the bench.
354
00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:32,384
I wish he'd make up his mind.
355
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:34,257
Abbott, pay the
money. Let me get out.
356
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:36,090
Step up to the bench!
357
00:16:36,195 --> 00:16:37,390
Yes, Sir.
358
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:40,055
I'm sorry, my boy.
359
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:43,102
Ah, the breaks just
went against us, I guess.
360
00:16:43,202 --> 00:16:47,003
The court finds the
defendant guilty as charged.
361
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,480
You won't give me
the chair, will you?
362
00:16:53,579 --> 00:16:55,445
I'm so young.
363
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:58,279
I hereby order you to pay
the plaintiff the 79 cents
364
00:16:58,384 --> 00:16:59,875
or serve 30 days in jail.
365
00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:01,113
Did you hear that, Abbott?
366
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:03,451
All I got to do is pay the
79 cents, and I'm free.
367
00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:04,683
Why, you ungrateful ingrate.
368
00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:06,735
What are you trying to do,
ruin this man's reputation?
369
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:10,059
My boy, this case isn't lost
yet! We'll take it to a higher court!
370
00:17:10,162 --> 00:17:11,994
I don't want to go upstairs.
371
00:17:12,098 --> 00:17:13,658
All I'm going to do
is pay the 79 cents.
372
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,861
Oh, Costello, please. I
appeal to you, my boy.
373
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:17,869
I appeal to you as a man.
374
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:19,495
You don't even appeal
to me as a woman.
375
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:21,801
And remember the
words of that famous poet.
376
00:17:21,908 --> 00:17:25,401
"Stone walls do not a prison
make, nor iron bars a cage."
377
00:17:25,511 --> 00:17:29,346
And don't forget the words of
that great poet, Judge Crumbcake.
378
00:17:29,448 --> 00:17:34,477
"30 days has September,
April, June, and Lou Costello."
379
00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:38,454
Hey, Abbott!
380
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,254
Hey, Abbott!
381
00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:41,224
Shh!
382
00:17:41,327 --> 00:17:42,671
Hey, Abbott, get me
out of here, will you?
383
00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:43,906
The whole place
is filled with rats.
384
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:45,865
What are you worrying
about? I'm here.
385
00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:48,730
It's the little
rats I'm afraid of.
386
00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:50,268
Don't worry about a thing.
387
00:17:50,369 --> 00:17:53,567
My attorney will get you out
of here if it takes him 20 years.
388
00:17:53,673 --> 00:17:55,232
What does he care about time?
389
00:17:55,341 --> 00:17:57,867
- He's on the ball, isn't he?
- You're telling me.
390
00:17:57,977 --> 00:17:59,297
- I'll go and talk to him.
- Yeah.
391
00:17:59,345 --> 00:18:00,711
Don't go away.
392
00:18:13,225 --> 00:18:14,955
Hiya, partner.
393
00:18:15,061 --> 00:18:17,360
- Oh. Were you addressing me?
- Yes, Sir.
394
00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:19,091
Thank you, Sir. Thank you.
395
00:18:19,198 --> 00:18:22,566
Those are the first kind
words I've heard in years.
396
00:18:22,668 --> 00:18:28,630
You see, Sir, I wasn't always a
dirty, filthy, scurvy bum like you.
397
00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:32,034
Mine is rather a sad story.
Would you like to hear it?
398
00:18:32,144 --> 00:18:32,975
No, Sir.
399
00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:34,356
Well, then, I'll tell it to you.
400
00:18:34,380 --> 00:18:37,839
You see, it began many years
ago, when I was just a little boy.
401
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,510
My father gave me the
benefit of a good education...
402
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:44,022
14 years of grade
school, preparatory school,
403
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:47,787
college, and UCLA.
404
00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:49,020
Did you go to school, Sir?
405
00:18:49,195 --> 00:18:50,458
Oh, yes, Sir.
406
00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:52,361
You passed your examinations?
407
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:56,232
No, Sir, but I was first on
the list of those who failed.
408
00:18:56,335 --> 00:18:57,428
Childhood.
409
00:18:57,536 --> 00:18:59,437
Well, then I met her.
410
00:18:59,538 --> 00:19:01,530
She was young.
She was beautiful.
411
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,132
She was desirable.
412
00:19:03,242 --> 00:19:04,242
A girl?
413
00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:07,439
A girl! Of course she's a
girl! She was wonderful!
414
00:19:07,546 --> 00:19:10,948
She was like a flower blooming
fragrantly in the garden of youth!
415
00:19:11,050 --> 00:19:13,519
And then one day, God
and His infinite mercy
416
00:19:13,619 --> 00:19:14,712
smiled down on us.
417
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:18,279
A little bundle of pink
and white. A baby boy.
418
00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:20,191
I worked harder than
ever, and then one day...
419
00:19:20,292 --> 00:19:21,692
- A little baby boy?
- Yes.
420
00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:23,194
- A little one?
- A little boy.
421
00:19:23,295 --> 00:19:24,786
- Did he have blue eyes?
- Yes.
422
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:26,388
- And brown hair?
- Yes.
423
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:28,798
- And was he a little fat fella?
- Yes.
424
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:30,335
Daddy.
425
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:32,464
I was kidding. Go ahead.
426
00:19:32,571 --> 00:19:36,008
My boy, I worked day and night,
427
00:19:36,108 --> 00:19:39,237
and then one day,
he came in to my life.
428
00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,678
He was an actor,
broken in health and spirit.
429
00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:46,082
I took him into my home. I said,
"Make my home your home."
430
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,177
And he did.
431
00:19:48,287 --> 00:19:49,287
You were a fool.
432
00:19:49,388 --> 00:19:51,823
Yes, I was a fool.
433
00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:54,236
It was one day when I returned
from my work, it was my want,
434
00:19:54,260 --> 00:19:58,254
I called to her, "Mary? Mary?"
435
00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:01,163
Strangely, there was no answer.
436
00:20:01,267 --> 00:20:02,360
"Mary?"
437
00:20:02,468 --> 00:20:03,060
She was out.
438
00:20:03,169 --> 00:20:04,169
Mary?
439
00:20:04,336 --> 00:20:05,497
- Mary?
- Mary?
440
00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:06,731
- Mary?
- Mary?
441
00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:08,034
- Mary!
- Hey, Mary!
442
00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:09,699
- Mary?
- Hey, Abbott!
443
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:10,809
Mary!
444
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,071
Mary!
445
00:20:12,178 --> 00:20:13,612
She was gone.
446
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,147
She was gone!
447
00:20:15,247 --> 00:20:20,083
My wife, my baby,
and the stranger...
448
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:22,718
they were gone.
449
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:28,425
What are you laughing at?
450
00:20:28,527 --> 00:20:30,928
Then began a search
that lasted for years.
451
00:20:31,030 --> 00:20:32,760
I was only 21 days behind them
452
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:35,835
as they boarded the united fruit
line steamer for Buenos Aires.
453
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:40,600
15 days at Rio de Janeiro, 5
days at the island of Madagascar,
454
00:20:40,706 --> 00:20:42,766
2 1/2 days at the
Cape of Good Hope,
455
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:44,969
7 hours at Port Said, Egypt,
456
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:48,570
and then one day at the
gates of Calcutta I found him.
457
00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:50,081
I was just about to
pounce upon him,
458
00:20:50,149 --> 00:20:51,879
just about to tear
him limb from limb,
459
00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:53,145
when my weakened condition,
460
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:56,154
aggravated by the pitiless
rays of the tropical sun...
461
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,087
Well, it just proved
too good an obstacle.
462
00:20:58,190 --> 00:21:01,490
I sank on the heap in the sands,
and when I regained consciousness,
463
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:02,789
he was gone.
464
00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:05,660
Then began a search all
through the capitals of Europe...
465
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:10,260
Rome, Milan, Paris, Moscow,
Berlin, across the channel to London,
466
00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:12,270
then across the Atlantic
and back to America.
467
00:21:12,371 --> 00:21:14,237
New York, Pittsburgh,
Chicago, Milwaukee.
468
00:21:14,340 --> 00:21:15,535
- Paterson.
- Paterson?
469
00:21:15,641 --> 00:21:18,611
- New Jersey.
- And then Niagara Falls.
470
00:21:18,711 --> 00:21:22,079
Finally, at Niagara
Falls I found him again.
471
00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:24,207
He was standing there
with his back to the falls,
472
00:21:24,316 --> 00:21:26,285
all eternity behind him
473
00:21:26,385 --> 00:21:29,253
and retribution finally
staring him in the face.
474
00:21:29,355 --> 00:21:32,189
When I saw him standing there,
the man who had ruined my life,
475
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,817
the man who had stolen
my wife and my baby,
476
00:21:34,927 --> 00:21:36,896
the man who had made
of me a miserable wanderer
477
00:21:36,996 --> 00:21:38,328
over half the face of the earth!
478
00:21:38,430 --> 00:21:39,454
When I saw him standing,
479
00:21:39,565 --> 00:21:43,400
all the pit of emotion of years
of suffering welled up within me
480
00:21:43,502 --> 00:21:45,334
and with murder in my heart.
481
00:21:45,437 --> 00:21:49,807
Slowly I...
482
00:21:49,909 --> 00:21:52,378
Step by step,
483
00:21:52,478 --> 00:21:55,448
step by step, I crept upon him,
484
00:21:55,548 --> 00:21:59,076
and when I felt his hot
breath on my cheek, I start...
485
00:21:59,185 --> 00:22:00,517
Aah!
486
00:22:05,624 --> 00:22:06,887
Knock it off! Knock it off!
487
00:22:07,059 --> 00:22:08,186
Knock it off! Knock it off!
488
00:22:08,294 --> 00:22:09,023
I give up!
489
00:22:09,128 --> 00:22:11,461
Hey, you're the gentleman
with the kind face.
490
00:22:11,564 --> 00:22:12,808
What are you trying to do to me?
491
00:22:12,832 --> 00:22:15,734
Excuse me, I... I forgot myself.
492
00:22:15,835 --> 00:22:17,701
I'm so weak.
493
00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:20,836
It's no fault.
494
00:22:21,006 --> 00:22:21,905
I'd have done the same thing
495
00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:23,585
if I'd have caught the
guy at Niagara Falls.
496
00:22:23,609 --> 00:22:25,305
Niagara Falls!
497
00:22:25,411 --> 00:22:26,970
I had to open my big mouth.
498
00:22:27,079 --> 00:22:32,814
When I saw him
standing there, slowly...
499
00:22:32,918 --> 00:22:34,546
I'm gonna get it again.
500
00:22:34,653 --> 00:22:36,281
Abbott!
501
00:22:42,561 --> 00:22:45,121
Abbott! Abbott!
502
00:22:45,231 --> 00:22:46,563
Abbott!
503
00:22:49,301 --> 00:22:50,792
Oh, gee.
504
00:22:50,903 --> 00:22:52,235
Sorry.
505
00:22:54,740 --> 00:22:56,368
Cut it out.
506
00:22:56,475 --> 00:22:59,138
Never again will
I say that word.
507
00:22:59,245 --> 00:22:59,837
What word?
508
00:22:59,945 --> 00:23:03,382
That word that gives
you off your bean there.
509
00:23:03,482 --> 00:23:04,575
What word do you mean?
510
00:23:04,683 --> 00:23:06,652
That word, way up
there in New York state,
511
00:23:06,752 --> 00:23:08,296
where everybody goes
when they get married.
512
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:09,320
Where do they go?
513
00:23:09,421 --> 00:23:10,650
Up...
514
00:23:11,857 --> 00:23:13,883
You think I'm
going to say it, huh?
515
00:23:13,993 --> 00:23:16,758
Well, I ain't going to say the
word you think I'm going to say.
516
00:23:16,862 --> 00:23:20,094
What word are you talking about?
517
00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:22,932
Go ahead. Try and make
me say “Niagara Falls."
518
00:23:23,035 --> 00:23:25,004
Niagara Falls!
519
00:23:25,104 --> 00:23:27,664
Slowly...
520
00:23:30,876 --> 00:23:32,276
Hey! Hold it!
521
00:23:32,378 --> 00:23:33,573
Okay!
522
00:23:33,679 --> 00:23:34,578
Okay!
523
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:36,842
- What are you doing there?
- Get me out!
524
00:23:36,949 --> 00:23:37,848
Get me out!
525
00:23:37,950 --> 00:23:40,249
What's the matter?
What are you doing there?
526
00:23:40,819 --> 00:23:42,481
If you're tired, why
don't you lie down?
527
00:23:42,588 --> 00:23:43,588
Ah, you!
528
00:23:43,656 --> 00:23:44,656
Look, all you got...
529
00:23:44,757 --> 00:23:46,134
Just say “Niagara
Falls" to this guy.
530
00:23:46,158 --> 00:23:48,059
Niagara Falls!
531
00:23:50,629 --> 00:23:52,140
I'm going to put
you in a different cell.
532
00:23:52,164 --> 00:23:53,496
No, you don't. This boy is free.
533
00:23:53,599 --> 00:23:54,396
Free?
534
00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:57,561
Told you I'd get you out,
my boy. You're free as a bird.
535
00:23:58,704 --> 00:24:00,832
Well, he's all yours.
536
00:24:01,307 --> 00:24:03,242
Wait a minute. One
thing more, my lad.
537
00:24:03,342 --> 00:24:05,038
- For you.
- Oh. For me, eh?
538
00:24:05,144 --> 00:24:06,144
Yep.
539
00:24:07,379 --> 00:24:08,403
A bill.
540
00:24:08,514 --> 00:24:12,508
$300.79?
541
00:24:12,618 --> 00:24:14,951
What is the 79 cents for?
542
00:24:15,054 --> 00:24:18,422
Well, somebody's got to pay
for Mrs. Crumbcake's bucket.
543
00:24:20,559 --> 00:24:21,993
Take it easy, Lou.
544
00:24:22,094 --> 00:24:24,139
- May I see you, mister attorney?
- Well, of course, my boy.
545
00:24:24,163 --> 00:24:25,674
- Step right over here.
- What's on your mind?
546
00:24:25,698 --> 00:24:27,108
How would you like
to have another client?
547
00:24:27,132 --> 00:24:28,510
- Of course.
- Look at that client in there.
548
00:24:28,534 --> 00:24:30,378
- Isn't he an ugly, broken soul?
- Well, I suppose so.
549
00:24:30,402 --> 00:24:32,580
- Well, why don't you take his case?
- I don't know a thing about him.
550
00:24:32,604 --> 00:24:34,664
Who is he? Where's he from?
551
00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:35,840
Niagara Falls?
552
00:24:35,941 --> 00:24:36,840
Niagara Falls!
553
00:24:36,942 --> 00:24:38,308
Aaah!
554
00:24:40,813 --> 00:24:42,611
[Applause]
555
00:24:51,957 --> 00:24:53,220
Now, aren't you sorry?
556
00:24:53,392 --> 00:24:54,291
Sorry about what?
557
00:24:54,393 --> 00:24:56,259
Sorry for the
things that you say
558
00:24:56,362 --> 00:24:58,058
and get yourself in
trouble all the time.
559
00:24:58,163 --> 00:24:58,823
What did I say?
560
00:24:58,931 --> 00:25:00,797
Niagara Falls.
561
00:25:00,899 --> 00:25:03,300
Niagara Falls!
562
00:25:03,402 --> 00:25:04,870
That's the place...
563
00:25:04,970 --> 00:25:07,439
That's the word that
gets me with the emotion
564
00:25:07,539 --> 00:25:09,007
that is pent up inside of me!
565
00:25:09,108 --> 00:25:12,408
I will never forget when
that fella came to my home!
566
00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:15,413
I bade him to enter,
and enter he did!
567
00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:17,312
Not by the front door, mind you,
568
00:25:17,416 --> 00:25:19,885
but by the rear door
he came in to my house
569
00:25:19,985 --> 00:25:23,854
and took away my children
and my wife and everybody else!
570
00:25:23,956 --> 00:25:25,151
My mother-in-law!
571
00:25:25,257 --> 00:25:27,886
And not only that, but I
followed him all over the country.
572
00:25:27,993 --> 00:25:29,738
I followed him first to
Paterson, New Jersey,
573
00:25:29,762 --> 00:25:31,272
Passaic, New Jersey,
Nutley, New Jersey,
574
00:25:31,296 --> 00:25:32,423
Bellefield, New Jersey.
575
00:25:32,531 --> 00:25:33,731
Then we went to another state.
576
00:25:33,832 --> 00:25:36,233
We went into Ohio,
Cleveland, Detroit,
577
00:25:36,335 --> 00:25:40,295
and then I found the
stupe in Steubenville, Ohio.
578
00:25:40,406 --> 00:25:43,808
That's where I met him, right
by the gates of Steubenville!
579
00:25:43,909 --> 00:25:45,434
Niagara Falls!
580
00:25:45,611 --> 00:25:50,174
Slowly...
581
00:25:50,282 --> 00:25:51,978
Step by step.
582
00:25:52,084 --> 00:25:53,484
Step by step,
583
00:25:53,585 --> 00:25:55,952
with the pent-up
emotion inside of me,
584
00:25:56,055 --> 00:25:57,785
I was getting cl...
585
00:25:59,425 --> 00:26:00,188
I'm sorry.
586
00:26:00,292 --> 00:26:01,658
- Good night, folks.
- Good night.
587
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:03,194
[Applause]
42290
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