All language subtitles for The Man From U.N.C.L.E. S01E22 The See-Paris-and-Die Affair

Oh, my friend.

The world should be
witnessing this moment.

MAN: Was it delivered?

Sure was, Mr. Van Schreeten.
Million dollars’ worth of it.

You seemed impressed,
Mynheer Corio.

Tell me, why did we
rendezvous here in this...

This sewer?

This sewer, my dear cousin
Josef, is now my sewer.

An investment for my
newfound capital, you might say.

What for, Max? What for?

Josef, through seven years
of patience and planning...

you and I have accomplished one of the
most lucrative criminal acts in history.

It is now time for other things.

Speak plainly,
Max, and stand still.

At this moment, a man
in the city of New York...

is seeking out a certain
young female vocalist.

She'll be told only that an
anonymous Parisian entrepreneur...

will pay her a fortune if she
will come to sing in his nightclub.

Mary.

It is Mary, isn't it?

And for another chance to win
her, I would buy a dozen nightclubs.

She's been in your thoughts too,
hasn't she, Josef, during all these years?

Fool.

Must you always be
ruled by your ego?

We share a secret, you and I.

I would not risk our safety by
whispering in the moonlight...

even to Mary Pilgrim.

If Mary Pilgrim will
come here, I shall

offer her everything I
possess in this world.

And nothing you
can do will stop me...

dear cousin.

Overseas relay channel to
New York City open, please.

Section two numbered.

Hello, Napoleon?

So you can now indulge yourself in
your nefarious flair for the dramatic.

Not a moment too
soon, my friend.

Oh.

Oh, don't I wish.

And the magic genie of the
Bronx has heard your wish, fair lady.

What are you doing? Let me go.

What are you doing?
Here, stop that. Cut that out.

Leave me alone.

Uh... Uh...

Now, Mr. Solo, you seem
to be a very nice man...

and I don't understand
a word you say.

And, if you don t mind, I'd just
as soon... Get away from me.

And the year that you left the
music academy at Amsterdam...

Max and Josef Van Schreeten went to
work for this giant diamond syndicate.

That was seven years ago.

Yeah, and for seven years
they have been very reliable...

responsible employees
of that syndicate.

Until rather recently, that is.

Now, last month, and nobody
has figured out quite how yet...

your ex-boyfriends walked off
with the entire syndicate reserve.

A half a billion dollars
in uncut, unregistered...

and as yet,
unrecovered diamonds.

I still don't understand what
you sadistic people want with me.

I like Max a lot,
I guess, but I, I...

Half a billion dollars, huh?

In diamonds, that is. And
that's only for openers.

Now, you see, if they suddenly
flood the world market with diamonds...

every girl that ever owned
an engagement ring...

risk the possibility of having
it devaluated overnight.

Now, Max and Josef know this.

So therefore the syndicate
is paying the cousins...

$1 million a month in blackmail to
refrain from flooding the world market.

Oh, I see.

You want me to get mixed up with
Max again so I can spy on him, right?

Right. As I said, Max was the one
that sent you the anonymous job offer.

I'm no longer interested
in that kind of singing.

I'm studying the
classical now, the opera.

With Madame Sophia
Grushenka, as a matter of fact.

And I've absolutely no desire
to become a glamour puss.

And besides, what about
Madame Grushenka?

She'd never... She'd never
let me go traipsing... Ahh!

Listen, if it'll make you any happier,
we'll take Madame Grushenka...

traipsing along with us.

All done?

We need you, Mary, to
rekindle what there was...

between Max Van Schreeten
and you seven years ago.

To get his confidence, to help us
find those diamonds and get them back.

Mary?

Well...

Well, I'm...

kind of back in
competition, aren't I?

Now, we have 43 minutes to go...

and we are off to gay Paris.

- Shall we?
- Oh. Uh... Well...

Krolik? Why didn't you tell me that
Thrush had planted a listening device...

on those two Dutchmen?
This is my operation.

What?

I tell you, there is a microphone
attached to the label tag on that suitcase.

And I...

I tell you Thrush planted
no such listening device.

So it would appear that
our U.N.C.L.E. friends...

are also interested
in this little affair.

Listening in, as it were.

All right, I'll send you a little
something to stop up their delicate ears.

They didn't have prosciutto.

What's new with the briefcase?

Oh, they're dividing
up their first million.

Max wants to keep his
half at his new nightclub.

Apparently, Mary's
arrival upon the scene...

has caused some dissension
in the Van Schreeten ranks.

There's going to be
dissension in our ranks...

if we don't find
those hidden jewels.

Well, I went through their
apartment thoroughly last night.

I even sat down on the couch and
tore the place apart mentally, but nothing.

They could be cached in a Swiss bank or
in a walking stick or in the Mediterranean.

Wait.

Corio.

- Corio.
- Hmm?

Please, put this somewhere.

Well, ultrasonic waves.

Obviously someone
wants to tune us out.

Yes, obviously. But
not the Van Schreetens.

They are neither equipped nor oriented
for such sophisticated assassinations.

- Uh-huh. T-H-R...
- U-S-H.

- Thrush.
- Thrush.

Must you put ketchup
and mustard on everything?

For two years I am
battling tooth and foot...

with the Bronx Conservatory...

to give you a recital.

Now suddenly you
drag me off to Paris.

Your debut. A nightclub.

My Mary's a painted
floozy in a nightclub.

Grushie, don't be angry
with me. I'm so nervous.

What for are you staring
at your face like a dope?

Diaphragm. The voice
box. Those are your face.

- Oh, how are you?
- Who are you?

Solo is my name.

Oh, it's all right, Grushie.
Mr. Solo's a friend.

It is not all right.

We don't want friendly
playboys with a fancy suits.

Mmm.

Oh, Grushie. You're too much.

Good evening, sir.

- One, please.
- This way, please.

- You must be crazy to come here.
- Oh, am I not suitably dressed?

I assume you used the
tuning fork I sent you?

Good.

I've received a new
directive from Thrush.

Since we seem to be running a
footrace with our U.N.C.L.E. friends...

subtlety is no longer
required in this matter.

Oh, yes, yes. It's a
good year. Very good.

What does that mean?

That means that Thrush does not propose
to let U.N.C.L.E. beat us to the diamonds.

Wherever they may be.

Beginning tomorrow, more
direct methods shall be applied.

Oh, yes. Yes. Ah.

Yes. Thank you, sir.

Honey, you were sensational.
Why don't you join me for a while?

I'll buy you a couple of snorts.

Seen Max yet?

No, nor Josef either. Are you
sure it's Max who owns this place?

Oh, I'm sorry but the
rules of the house forbid it.

All right, then, maybe
some other time.

Brace yourself. This is
U.N.C.L.E.'s night to howl.

Tallyho. All right.
Okay. Look great.

Mary.

Josef. Oh. Mmm.

Josef Van Schreeten.

Oh, my goodness.
What are you doing here?

- How wonderful.
- For me too, Mary.

You know, my cousin
Max owns this place.

It was he who hired you.
At my insistence, of course.

- No. Not Max. Why, I can't believe it.
- Mm-hm.

- Where is Max?
- He is here, my dear.

- Waiting, as he has been for seven years.
- Oh, Max.

Max, how marvelous to see you.

You have stolen
my thunder, Josef.

I had hoped to
surprise Mary myself.

Why don't you have a drink,
Josef? On the house, of course.

I'll see you later, Mary.

And your singing.
It was exquisite.

Oh, thank you.

And now, my dear, a
welcome-home surprise.

Oh, Max.

Mary, you haven't changed.

- You're as elusive as ever.
- Oh.

Well, now, let's see if I can
remember all those questions.

Am I married? No.

Yes, I do find you
very attractive, still.

But I've already invested
so much in my career.

It's too soon to stop, Max.

Especially when it's just beginning
to show me some tangible return.

- Tangible return?
- Mm-hm.

Will your singing career be
able to offer you, every evening...

the kind of dinner
we had tonight?

Will it offer you a
chateau on the Riviera?

I'm a very wealthy
man now, Mary.

Oh?

Well, I didn't know that.

My dear Mary, I could show
you, in the city of Paris...

a glittering miracle of wealth.

My wealth, Mary.

Right here in Paris? Really?

You tried to kill me. Why?

No, I just saw you walking.
Please, you're choking me.

I'll choke the life out
of you. Who sent you?

I don't know his name.
But he had a beard.

It's true. It's true. A beard
and an accent like yours.

- Oh. Oh, Max, you've gotta get the police.
- No.

No.

My wallet.

Max, this is horrible. You've
gotta call the police. He'll get away.

No, no, no. It's all right.

It was just a few business
cards and a very little money.

What's the matter?
What is all this?

I think it's Josef.

I'm not sure...

but I think Josef
is trying to kill me.

What's happening here?

I beg your indulgence,
monsieur. This is your suite?

Mine and my cousin's,
yes. Explain yourself, please.

Inside.

Police Inspector Javert,
monsieur, at your service.

I detected this scum
from the street below.

He was crouching
on your balcony.

I am long acquainted with
his repulsive countenance.

If I may inquire, monsieur,
have you any enemies?

Enemies?

I see what you mean.

He is a paid assassin. A few
francs, a bottle of vin ordinaire.

He is not expensive, this one.

Who were you waiting
for? My cousin or me?

- Speak, you disgusting little...
- No, no, no, monsieur. No, no, no.

This grassy snake
is in my charge. Huh?

Empty your pockets.

Hmm? The business
card of a gentleman.

You are acquainted with the
owner of this card, monsieur?

And I soon shall be.
Evidence, monsieur.

Allons.

We go sweat you a
little bit, eh, pussycat?

Inspector, wait.

Of course I know this
Max Van Schreeten.

I'm sure this is just a prank.

He is quite a joker.

This one is no joker, monsieur.

And if your friend did
employ him, this was no joke.

Please make yourself
available as a witness, monsieur.

Oh. Pardon, monsieur.

Was that a cop?

- Didn't look like one.
- No.

And my cousin Max doesn't
look like a murderer, either.

From now on you're no longer
working for my cousin and me.

Henceforth, you will
work only for me alone.

And a rise in salary, of course.

I have a luncheon engagement.

I shall be back early.

All right.

He's alone.

I've paid you well, so
do your work accordingly.

You. Deliver the receipt
to the designated place.

- Is it safe?
- Oh.

Yes. Grushenka's in the shower.

She gets a bit salty
sometimes, doesn't she?

Yes, she does.

Ahem. You wanted to see me?

Oh.

Well...

Now...

Now, I know that I made a
bargain with you, Mr. Solo.

But this deception
just isn't fair.

Not to me and certainly not
to Max, who cares for me.

You know, what you've
done is you've just

turned me into a very
attractive Judas goat.

All right, we'll cancel
your singing engagement...

and you can go
back to the Bronx.

Bronx?

What?

What is it? Fancy playboy again?

Coming now into the child's
home, where she lives?

Out, my man.

Out of this place or I'll
shred you up into shreds.

It's Max.

He's early.

Well, Max had better not see me.

Max? What is a Max? Are
we having a parade here?

You take your oily eyes from
this premises or I don't know what...

No offense, madam. I assure you.

I'm sorry, but we can't have
you rocking the boat, can we?

Just a minute.

Merzavets! Negodiay!

Zver'! Negodiay!

Mon amie.

What now?

Allons.

My goodness. What
was that all about?

This, my dear. Our passport.

From loneliness,
from the city...

from my double-dealing
cousin, to happiness.

And the first step toward that
happiness is St. Lazare, s'il vous plaît.

St. Lazare. St. Lazare?

That's the railroad station.
Max, what is this all about?

Our future, Mary.

I'm sorry to have had to
uproot you so unexpectedly.

Uproot?

But I did not intend to let you slip
away from me for another seven years.

Oh. Oh. The...

Now, just hold on
here. Just a minute. I...

Max?

Are we going for a train ride?

I knew you would be surprised.

Max, this is just ridiculous.

I don't have any luggage. And
what about my teacher, Grushenka?

I just can't...

The man who tried to kill
me last night. I just saw him.

You keep this.

In addition to my life, he'll want
the information this contains.

But just in case, darling.
He'll never think to search you.

I don't understand.

The Alburg Express
departs shortly.

I strongly suspect our nightingale
friend is being eloped with.

She did manage to slip me
what appears to be the top half...

of a claim check of
some sort or other.

For the furniture, no doubt.
Half a billion dollars’ worth.

What? In the furniture? Oh,
now, that's rather sneaky.

I know. Mary and
the diamonds both.

Me thinks our friend Max is
seeking his own private Shangri-la.

Follow them, Illya.

We don't wanna give
the bride away just yet.

Well, this part of the claim check says
that it was issued by the Dupre Van Lines.

That means the furniture's
going by truck. But where?

Well, you'll have to
follow our fleeing Romeo.

I'll confirm the contents
of the furniture...

when Josef arises
from his afternoon nap.

Oh, by the way, I
recall you saying...

you'd been sitting on the furniture
when you were searching the place.

Illya? Illya?

Furniture receipt. Dupre Van Lines.
So that's where they hid the diamonds.

You get on that train. Find out
where they're sending that furniture.

The furniture. You know, I've been
lying around on half a billon dollars.

Why those diabolical
Dutchmen. Hmm.

To be sure of that, I shall now
pay a little visit to the other cousin.

The furniture business
may be only a diversion.

- What do I do about the girl?
- She has a lovely voice, the young lady.

Kill her.

So it was in the furniture.

I'll kill him. I'll find
him and I'll kill him.

Ah-ah-ah.

Not for about 20
years, you won't.

Unless you care to tell me
where Max freighted the stuff.

By all means, Mynheer
Van Schreeten.

Tell us.

What's mine is mine.

My diamonds. My
traitor of a cousin.

Neither of you, whoever you are,
shall precede me to those goals.

My man will return
and when he...

Correction, mynheer.

You see, your man Corio
happens to be my man Corio.

And he will not be returning.

What?

What's happening here? Who
do you trespassers represent?

Thrush, I presume?

U.N.C.L.E., I presume?

What is this joking?

These are my affairs you're
playing with. My diamonds.

My seven years of labor you're tossing back
and forth between you like a parlor game.

Easy, Josef. Our friend
here is not playing.

No. I don't deserve
to lose my diamonds.

The planning, the execution was
perfect. I will not lose my diamonds.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Mynheer, you and your
cousin are a pair of lucky amateurs.

Beginners luck, mynheer...

never persists.

Amateurs? No.

You will not ruin
my plans, my life.

St. Lazare station.

That's right, that's right.

That's right, that's right.

He's the man. He's the man.

Razboynik!

What have you done to my
Mary? Grushenka follows you.

Making me a prisoner while
the other one steals my Mary.

He attacks me. See?

Allez, monsieur, allez.

We would also like to speak to you
regarding a man who fell to his death...

at the rear of this building.

Yes, I understand your zeal, gentlemen.
But actually, I have to catch a train.

You know that? Honest injun.
Really, I have to catch a train.

Drop the gun. Drop
your gun. Drop it.

Stay right where you
are, gentlemen. Mes amis.

In no way do I represent American
foreign policy, monsieur. Bonjour.

Excusez-moi,
monsieur. Excusez-moi.

Bonjour.

I still don't know
where we're going.

Now, really, that's not an unfair question
considering the circumstances, is it?

There is a certain little
picture-book town called Malreaux.

One leaves this train,
the second stop from here.

Then one boards an
old disreputable bus.

And one ultimately arrives
near the border at Malreaux.

Where, by the way, one then becomes
immediately, irrevocably, married.

Oh?

Oh.

Isn't that convenient?

- Shall we?
- Mm-hm.

Solo here.

Well, how nice to hear
from you after so long.

Have that left-out
feeling, do you?

Don't be cute.

They almost buried me at
the Tomb of the Unknown Spy.

When I did manage to get to my feet, it
took me half an hour to find my trousers.

Where are you?

Assuming that you do know
where you are, of course.

Well, I beat the train to the depot
and I'm here now waiting to board her.

All right. You take an
aspirin and rest for a while.

And then send out a Signal Four -
Emergency Red for an U.N.C.L.E. helicopter.

And follow the tracks until you
see either the train or my signal.

And take care, will you?

I have some friends
waiting at the next stop.

They're expecting me to tell them
where your furniture is being shipped.

How did you know?

Oh. Your little lady told me.

- Mary?
- Inadvertently, of course.

She passed her half of the claim check
onto someone else and I took it from him.

You gave... Is that true, Mary?

So my sweet,
unworldly bride to be.

Oh. What a fool I've been.

But not such a
fool as you, Corio...

if you expect me to tell you where
those diamonds are being sent.

Oh.

Max, are you so disillusioned
with the young lady...

that you won't exchange
their destination for hers?

Max?

Max, please?

Look, Van Schreeten,
if you don't tell me...

I'm gonna have to kill you to get
the other half of that claim check.

I'm sorry, honey.

Apparently martyrdom
appeals to this fool.

You may as well go first.

Oh, I'm sorry. I
thought this was empty.

Oh, the policeman from
the balcony, I believe?

Well, for such a despicable fellow,
you have an amazingly accurate memory.

You have a little bit of foresight.
See, in my right hand there's a gun.

In it is a bullet and the bullet
goes bang. Now hand me yours...

or the young lady
goes with me when I go.

Napoleon, he does have a gun.

Huh.

You can sit there.

That's right. Now.

As quickly and as quietly as
possible, I'm gonna kill the three of you.

You first, Mr... Mr.?

Solo.

No, wait. I'll tell you.

You and I have a
different set of values, Max.

- No, Mary.
- Now quiet. Quiet, Maxey.

Now, if you've got the magic
words, young lady, let's have them.

Well, you just might
end up killing us anyway.

Now, this train is slowing
down and my friends are waiting.

Also, I'm waiting.

All right. The furniture
is being delivered

by a van to a little
town called Malreaux.

- Oh!
- Thank you.

What are you two
looking at each other for?

Napoleon?

He's gonna kill us
anyway, isn't he?

Unfortunately, Thrush's handbook
bears no similarity whatsoever...

to that of the Boy
Scouts of America.

Thrush?

You're really marvelous, Solo.

However, the train is stopping
and business is at hand.

Now, it's up to you to see that this
crumbling wreck behaves himself...

when we get off. Otherwise...

the world's gonna
lose an artist.

How's that for planning
and punctuality?

One moment,
messieurs, if you please.

Is there some kind of trouble?

Nothing to concern you, monsieur.
Proceed about your business, please.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

You are under arrest, monsieur,
for the kidnapping of this young lady.

You are quite well,
mademoiselle?

Oh, yes. I'm fine.

No. It's too risky
and it's not worth it.

Our main mission
is the diamonds...

and they're on a moving van on
the road to Malreaux. Come on.

A woman friend of
yours, mademoiselle.

She apparently informed
the authorities in Paris...

who contacted all the
towns along the train route.

Oh.

You've got to understand
this. You mustn't try to stop him.

He didn't kidnap me. He
was just trying to help...

So it happens once again.

The dashing young criminal
who whisks you away.

The suspense-filled night.

The moment when
you peer into his eyes...

and you feel that after all
he cannot be all bad, huh?

I see you read a lot.

Yes, but your little heart
lies to you, mademoiselle.

Mary, help me to get
out of here to Malreaux.

The diamonds are
half yours, my dear.

- We can be free.
- I am free, Max.

Listen, you just would have
sat there and let me be killed...

for your ridiculous
stolen diamonds.

Stolen diamonds?

Your name, monsieur,
if you please. Hmm?

Max. Van Schreeten.

Be brave, mademoiselle.

I shall soon place you back in
the bosom of your loved ones.

Mademoiselle.

Illya, are you all right?

That's it. Let's move.

Turn it back toward Paris.

Then, if U.N.C.L.E. does follow us,
they'll be chasing in the wrong direction.

How's your head?

Illya?

No, I did not think of
looking in the blasted

furniture. It's too
obvious a hiding place.

That should be the
road down there.

Well, that's a van but
it's moving the wrong way.

If Thrush has already hijacked the
furniture, they won't just continue along.

Let's take a look at the van.

Get into a rocket-attack angle.

Sweet dreams, gentlemen.
We'll be back for you.

Now let's set this
down on the furniture.

Huh?

I think maybe it is
a fishy smell here.

Not at all, madam. It's a perfectly
straightforward business transaction.

Max Van Schreeten
gave this club to Mary.

And our organization will guarantee
her a substantial purchase price...

with which to continue
her studies in comfort.

Well, what did he say?

Well, he...

He wants you to go to Amsterdam
tomorrow and see if you can find out...

how Max and Josef pulled
off the robbery in the first place.

Buy why me? Wasn't
our report satisfactory?

Well, there were one or two
details. He couldn't quite understand...

how you managed to search the
place without finding the diamonds.

And you told him?

Well, what could I say, Illya?
I mean, I told him you forgot.

You what?

Well, Illya, you didn't want me
to lie to Mr. Waverly, did you?

- Would you like to dance, Mary?
- You blockhead.

Well, Illya, you should
have told me that.

Napoleon.

Hey, pussycat.
Dance with the lady.

Hmm? Oui?

You are Russian.

Illyusha, darling?

Illyushenka.

Darling.