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1
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-[tapping]
-[intro music]
2
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:11,400
Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all
about knowing fuck all about owt,
3
00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:13,480
needs to watch their back.
[cries out]
4
00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:16,120
So, you've had your Labour,
reclassifying skunk,
5
00:00:16,200 --> 00:00:18,360
sending prices sky high,
6
00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:22,280
literally, literally taking the grass
from its own roots.
7
00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:25,080
And now you've got your con-dem-nation,
8
00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:28,480
Liberals noshing Tories
like altar boys picking dimps up.
9
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:32,320
Have we had
a national fucking stroke or what?
10
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:36,320
Is revolution a word or was it never?
11
00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:38,240
Anybody watching, needs to know
12
00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:42,000
we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
13
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:45,480
Well, for fuck's sake,
we live in Manchester
14
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:48,640
and they charge us for water!
15
00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:53,560
I wandered lonely as a clown,
necking mushrooms rarely found,
16
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:56,760
this green and pleasant land
in ancient times...
17
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,360
yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!
18
00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:02,640
It's not theirs anymore.
19
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,920
-This is our England now.
-[cheering]
20
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Party!
21
00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:09,800
[intro music]
22
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:11,120
[intro music fades away]
23
00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:14,200
["Feeling Good" by Muse plays]
♪ Birds flying high... ♪
24
00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:16,600
[Carl] This week
I officially became a man.
25
00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,320
Got to admit, there were times
I didn't think I'd make it.
26
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:23,040
But here I am.
27
00:01:23,120 --> 00:01:25,200
No one is more surprised
about that than me.
28
00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:30,440
Most of my family fucked off
before they got the keys to the door
29
00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:33,240
and I always thought I'd do the same.
30
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:35,320
But why should I?
31
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,160
I'm happy where I am.
32
00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:38,960
The grass isn't always greener.
33
00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:42,560
♪ And I'm feeling good... ♪
34
00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:45,920
[Carl] Sometimes everything you want,
35
00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:48,320
everything you need
36
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:50,840
is right there under your nose.
37
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:52,520
So put your time in.
38
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,240
Water, prune,
39
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:56,840
feed your little patch,
40
00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:58,960
keep the weeds at bay.
41
00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:00,920
Let it grow.
42
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,240
♪ Blossom on the tree ♪
43
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,920
♪ You know how I feel... ♪
44
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:08,759
[Carl] As any gardener will tell you,
45
00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:12,640
nothing encourages growth
like a good dose of shit.
46
00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:15,080
♪ For me... ♪
47
00:02:15,160 --> 00:02:18,000
[Carl] So after nearly 21 years
in the stuff,
48
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,520
I reckon it's my time to fuckin' bloom.
49
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,600
♪ Dragonfly out in the sun ♪
50
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:27,640
Inside and out, yeah?
51
00:02:27,720 --> 00:02:29,520
♪ You know what I mean ♪
52
00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,480
-[music ends]
-Just a small affair.
53
00:02:31,560 --> 00:02:33,040
Finger buffet, decorations.
54
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,600
The young ones are all charlied up,
55
00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:37,960
it's all they can do
to prize their jaws apart,
56
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:41,080
never mind tackle a Scotch egg.
You'll be wasting your money.
57
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,640
It's Carl's 21st.
58
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:44,520
We need to mark it.
59
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:49,360
How have you managed
to run up a £500 phone bill?
60
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:55,680
-I haven't. Joe has.
-It's addressed to the shop.
61
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:57,440
Grandad's shop.
62
00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,600
Which he left in your incapable hands.
63
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:00,960
Sort it!
64
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:08,080
It's a gay sex line. Joe rented it,
got the phones manned. He raked it in.
65
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,200
-How do you know?
-I was never off 'em.
66
00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:11,600
What?
67
00:03:11,680 --> 00:03:13,640
I mean, Ian was never off them.
68
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:14,920
Dirty bastard.
69
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:16,440
Filthy fuck.
70
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:20,640
It's a pound a minute off peak,
£1.50 peak.
71
00:03:20,720 --> 00:03:22,880
Stories take a few minutes
to really kick in,
72
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,760
so a fiver at least before the money shot,
but it's worth it.
73
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,000
So Ian said.
74
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:30,560
But you'd make a killing.
75
00:03:30,640 --> 00:03:32,760
"Suck my throbbing cock"
and all that stuff.
76
00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,440
I'm not talking dirty
so some fruit can have a wank.
77
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:37,760
No, yeah, I don't blame you.
78
00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:38,680
Fucking pervs!
79
00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:41,280
[door opens]
80
00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:44,840
Our joint account's two grand down.
81
00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:51,760
We agreed Jamie wasn't getting
a cut of our business.
82
00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:53,360
It all goes in the pot anyway.
83
00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,760
Whose pot? Certainly not ours.
84
00:03:56,840 --> 00:04:00,400
He'll be wanting a cut
from my takings at Lillian's next.
85
00:04:00,480 --> 00:04:04,440
-Why didn't you tell me?
-Because I knew you'd react like this.
86
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:07,400
What's it gonna take
for you to stand up to him?
87
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:10,920
How many times will he have
to fuck you over, fuck us over,
88
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,760
before you tell him enough's enough?
89
00:04:15,120 --> 00:04:17,640
Come back when you've grown
a pair of bollocks, eh.
90
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:25,280
["I'm Gonna Love You Just
a Little More, Baby" by Barry White plays]
91
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:30,360
♪ It feels so good ♪
92
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,360
♪ You lying here next to me ♪
93
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,560
♪ Oh, what a groove ♪
94
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,480
♪ You have no idea how it feels ♪
95
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:53,040
♪ My hands just won't keep still ♪
96
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:58,120
♪ I love you, baby ♪
97
00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:01,280
♪ Oh, I love you, I love you
I love you ♪
98
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,520
♪ I just want to hold you ♪
99
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,840
♪ Run my fingers through your hair ♪
100
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:15,400
-[music pauses]
-Do the water thing.
101
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:16,960
Do the water thing!
102
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:18,400
[music resumes]
103
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,600
-[music pauses]
-Hose me down, Scudder.
104
00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:25,640
Hose me down!
105
00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:28,400
♪ You like it like that ♪
106
00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:33,720
♪ Closer ♪
107
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:36,800
♪ Come here, closer, close ♪
108
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:40,840
-[music stops abruptly]
-You can have that one for free.
109
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:43,400
[Sita] You normally charge?
Can't make much.
110
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:45,480
I'd do it again for the price of a pint.
111
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:48,200
-[running water]
-It's my birthday Friday.
112
00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:50,320
Could be my date
if you play your cards right.
113
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,040
-Fuck you're doing?
-Ain't it obvious?
114
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:55,520
With my water?
115
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:57,760
[Sita laughs]
116
00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:58,960
Sita, Friday?
117
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,320
Maybe when you're driving the car,
not washing it.
118
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,120
Yeah, thanks for fucking nothing.
119
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:09,120
[Carl] No one else have an outside tap.
120
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,080
It's not a problem, Carl.
121
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:14,440
[Jackson] Oh, let's just give him
the keys to the house then, shall we!
122
00:06:14,520 --> 00:06:15,520
Keys.
123
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:16,840
Here,
124
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:19,720
-take my wallet.
-Jackson, give it a rest.
125
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,000
It's only a bit of water!
126
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,480
Which I pay for!
127
00:06:24,720 --> 00:06:26,320
Put that towards your next bill.
128
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:37,400
[Mimi] They'd have the eyes
out your head. Thieves.
129
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:38,680
Yeah.
130
00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:40,920
Avril in? You left this in the pub.
131
00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:44,680
And I think these bananas are on the turn.
132
00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,440
They're plantain.
133
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:48,560
Ah, thanks for bringing them round, Meems.
134
00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,520
-Never seen half of these.
-[Avril laughs]
135
00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:54,520
-[Jackson] You must've seen this one.
-Only coming out of a tin.
136
00:06:56,320 --> 00:06:58,120
[Jackson] I can't stand processed food.
137
00:06:58,200 --> 00:06:59,040
I'd sooner starve.
138
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:00,760
I like to make a dish from scratch.
139
00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:04,200
You know... stuff you learned
watching your ma in the kitchen.
140
00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:05,480
It's tradition.
141
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:06,920
I was brought up that way.
142
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,080
-He's full of it.
-He's full of something.
143
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:12,360
[Jackson] It's about making an effort.
144
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:15,360
It's hard getting motivated
when you're on your own.
145
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:18,480
-You should have dinner with us.
-I wouldn't want to get in the way.
146
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:22,360
[Avril] You wouldn't. We've always got
mates round our table. It's tradition.
147
00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:24,200
We were brought up that way.
148
00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:26,440
-I'd love to.
-[Avril] That's settled then.
149
00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:29,080
Jackson can rustle something up
he learned from his mum.
150
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:31,520
-Can't wait!
-Neither can I.
151
00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,320
-See ya later.
-[Avril] Bye, love.
152
00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:41,680
If I'd known me legs were gonna get
slapped, I would've worn shorts.
153
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:44,120
[Avril] I'm not slapping you. I like her.
154
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:46,400
You're doing this to wind me up.
155
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,560
For once, this isn't about you.
156
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:50,240
It's about being neighbourly.
157
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:51,440
Making friends.
158
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,120
I teach their kids.
159
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:56,480
I see them everyday at the school gates.
I don't want them round for dinner.
160
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,520
[Avril] We all know what this is about.
161
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,960
This is about me not wanting
that type under my roof.
162
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,360
-That type?
-Oh, you know what I mean.
163
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,480
I'm an educated man,
I don't think that way.
164
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:17,760
[Jamie] I want them looking new.
165
00:08:17,840 --> 00:08:19,600
Bet that back seat's seen some action.
166
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:22,080
-Imagine if it could talk.
-Just make sure it doesn't.
167
00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:23,320
-Jamie, quick word?
-Busy.
168
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:25,960
[Jamie] Harry?
169
00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:27,440
Yeah.
170
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,520
-I'm wasted cleaning cars.
-Tell it to somebody who gives a shit.
171
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:32,960
-[Carl] Well, get a kid to do it.
-We have.
172
00:08:33,039 --> 00:08:34,360
[Jamie] I'll get back to you.
173
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,799
-Got nothing more interesting going?
-For you? No.
174
00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,919
Got nothing
a bit more demanding than this?
175
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:43,960
I always find something for the right man.
176
00:08:44,039 --> 00:08:45,000
[Carl claps]
177
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,080
[Shane] Jamie,
178
00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:49,280
I've just told him no.
179
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:53,720
-You just made me look a right twat.
-I do the hiring and firing.
180
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:54,920
And you are a right twat.
181
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:06,000
Come on, come on!
182
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,200
[woman] I could beat her.
183
00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:12,520
-[Mimi] You've got the bandages off now?
-[punter] They come off last night.
184
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:16,440
[Mimi] What happened to her?
185
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:17,600
Loan shark.
186
00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:22,320
Well, you know what they say.
If you can't swim, keep out the water.
187
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:26,040
It was the only way she could afford
that luxury spa weekend.
188
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,960
[Karen] This could cheer you up.
189
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:45,600
Not screaming "Me", is it?
190
00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,240
Well, no that's why I bought it.
191
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,080
You could wear it on your nights off.
192
00:09:49,920 --> 00:09:52,040
-I've embarrassed you, haven't I?
-No.
193
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,480
Ta.
194
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:56,840
[Mimi] Right, what can I get you?
195
00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:58,800
Do you know? I've gone off the idea.
196
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:01,360
Come on, Sandra, we can't afford this.
197
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:04,280
Oi!
198
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:08,040
-What's up with her?
-You're her husband.
199
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:18,320
Fresh from the chippy.
200
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,640
I'd sooner have our two grand back.
201
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,000
-Just give me a bit of time, eh?
-I tried that.
202
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:30,280
Result? Jamie and Karen
are still taking the piss.
203
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:32,520
-As well as our money.
-[door closes]
204
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,040
What do you think?
She's got the legs for them.
205
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:37,440
[Mimi] Karen bought me them.
206
00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:40,800
-With our money.
-Kel...
207
00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:44,040
Jamie took the money we made
from the school's security contract.
208
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,280
Of course you knew that already.
209
00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:47,600
That was family money.
210
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:50,160
-You got your cut.
-Cut?
211
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:54,280
-We earned every penny that's in there!
-Rein her in, Shane.
212
00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,760
That might've been the way your marriage
worked, Mimi, but not mine.
213
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:02,600
I'll get the cash meself. Like I should
have done in the first place.
214
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:16,800
-Got the Young Conservatives in again?
-[Kelly laughs]
215
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,800
-What's the damage?
-£8.69.
216
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,720
How apt.
217
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:23,960
Stick it on me slate.
218
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,360
-No! No more credit!
-[Kelly] Laters 'taters!
219
00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:28,760
[Chesney] It's nearly a ton!
220
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,480
[Chesney] Suck my throbbing cock?
221
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:49,560
Fuck. Erm...
222
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:54,840
Look, Ches, erm,
223
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,040
thanks for the offer and that but, erm,
224
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,200
-you're not really my type.
-I'm talking about that sex line.
225
00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:06,240
Oh, me too, yeah.
[laughs]
226
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:08,400
I can't get it out me head.
227
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:09,600
Yeah, dirty things.
228
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:12,720
I've got final demands
coming out my fucking ears.
229
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:13,640
How does it work?
230
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,520
Ha! I wondered how long it'd be
before the Missus
231
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,760
kicked him out and told him
to get things sorted.
232
00:12:21,840 --> 00:12:23,800
Adding psychic
to your long list of talents?
233
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:24,960
Karen phoned.
234
00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:29,080
[Shane] I just want a fair deal.
235
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:31,240
-And so does Kel.
-You've got a fair deal.
236
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,240
Your cut's in direct proportion
to the risks you take.
237
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,800
[Shane] We're brothers, equal.
238
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:38,880
-Never have been, never will be.
-[Shane] Right,
239
00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:41,840
I've got a few, a few ideas of me own.
I want to them try out.
240
00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:44,800
You had your chance to run things
and you got your arse kicked.
241
00:12:46,720 --> 00:12:48,720
That's why I'm in charge.
242
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:49,640
Lock up.
243
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:51,760
How did I do?
244
00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:55,160
Good. Any problems?
245
00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:58,680
[Carl] In the boot.
I don't know what happened...
246
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:01,360
-Best not knowing. Can you live with that?
-Yeah.
247
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:03,480
[Jamie] Good.
248
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,680
That's going straight in my 21st fund.
249
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:08,840
Got another job lined up for tomorrow.
250
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:09,880
Yeah, too right.
251
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,200
[Jamie] Get something smart. Presentable.
252
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:13,640
Working for the family now.
253
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,160
[Jamie] That's right.
254
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:36,200
Got to hand it to you, Jackson,
that food was beautiful.
255
00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:39,120
-[Jackson] Ta.
-[Mimi] And all learned at his ma's knee.
256
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,720
[Avril] I think it had more to do
with Delia Smith,
257
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,120
but he made the effort.
258
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:44,280
[Jackson] Bollocks.
259
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:46,720
-You lost something?
-[Jackson] That Billie Holliday.
260
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:48,600
I lent it out and I haven't had it back.
261
00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:51,440
Billie Holliday?
Christ knows she needs a fucking holiday!
262
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,280
Have you heard the screeching from her?
263
00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:56,320
-She sang about racial hatred.
-She couldn't tell me nothing new.
264
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,640
Because of Liverpool's involvement
in slavery?
265
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:00,040
[Mimi] The Toxteth riots.
266
00:14:00,120 --> 00:14:03,280
I stood shoulder to shoulder
with your lot.
267
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:07,560
And I looted a fabulous fucking telly
and video while I was at it!
268
00:14:07,640 --> 00:14:09,760
[Jackson] You joined in the struggle
269
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:11,520
and came away with a Surround Sound?
270
00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:12,680
Wages of war.
271
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:13,840
Race war.
272
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,520
[Mimi] That was the angle
Thatcher and her mob pushed.
273
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,960
Had fuck all to do with race
274
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:21,840
and everything to do with the fact
that anyone who lived there
275
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:24,960
got treated like shite by that Tory bitch.
276
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:27,000
We got to the point where we decided
277
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:29,800
-enough was enough.
-Good on you.
278
00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:32,240
You're too young to remember,
279
00:14:32,320 --> 00:14:35,040
if you lived in places like Toxteth,
280
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:38,080
Moss Side, St Paul's in the 70's and 80's,
281
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,480
you were black
whether you were black or not.
282
00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:42,680
Know what I mean?
283
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:48,200
"I'm a fucking scally
and I'm screwing your gaff.
284
00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:51,160
If you don't tell the dibble,
I'll let you pull down my trackies
285
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,040
and swallow my big hard cock.
286
00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:55,960
Smack my arse till it's red raw.
287
00:14:56,040 --> 00:14:58,880
Stick your fingers up my..."
Fuck right off!
288
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,560
This is disgusting, man!
289
00:15:02,160 --> 00:15:03,680
[Micky] It's supply and demand.
290
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,840
Where there's shit, there's brass.
291
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,360
Do you need the cash or not?
292
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:11,640
[Chesney sighs]
293
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,360
"That's right, I'm scum.
294
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:19,480
Just out of Borstal, balls ready to burst.
295
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:20,920
Now, work your tongue
296
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,800
-around my tight, working-class--"
-No!
297
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:27,360
It's, "Work your tongue
down my throbbing shaft,
298
00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:30,680
licking your way
to my tight working-class ring."
299
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:32,360
Get it right, for fuck's sake!
300
00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:34,160
And your rhythm's all wrong.
301
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:36,520
You'll be losing punters
left, right and centre.
302
00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:38,800
Now, go again from the top.
303
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:42,480
Ready?
304
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:44,760
-"I'm a working-class scally--"
-Bit gruffer.
305
00:15:44,840 --> 00:15:46,600
-"I'm a working class scally."
-Spot on.
306
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,520
-"I'm screwing your gaff."
-Filthy cunt.
307
00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:54,240
[Kelly] Mind if I hand these out?
308
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,880
-What are they?
-Discount vouchers.
309
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,360
Recession. Not much money about, is there?
310
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:01,880
Not as much as there used to be.
311
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:05,400
Anything you want for a tenner.
312
00:16:05,480 --> 00:16:06,640
Gonna film it, too.
313
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:08,360
Chance for you to be the star
314
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:11,240
of your own little movie. How about that?
315
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:13,800
What do you think you're doing?
316
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,080
[Kelly] Can't you read?
317
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:20,120
[Karen] Not here.
318
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:22,320
Not ever.
319
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:25,640
Cos everybody knows nothing underhand
happens in here, don't they?
320
00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:26,760
Get out of my pub.
321
00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:28,960
But it's not your pub.
322
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:33,200
Jamie robbed it from under your nose
when you were having your wobbly.
323
00:16:33,280 --> 00:16:34,840
-Or did you forget?
-[Karen shouts]
324
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,120
[people shout]
325
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:41,360
[ruckus]
326
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:52,440
What the fuck is going on?
327
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,480
Like a pair of bitches on heat!
328
00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:57,760
Pack it in!
329
00:16:57,840 --> 00:17:00,200
This is getting sorted once and for all.
330
00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:01,600
Family pow-wow.
331
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:03,920
I'll tell you where and when.
332
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,079
Now git!
333
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:07,560
And you!
334
00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:11,520
Drink.
335
00:17:11,599 --> 00:17:13,640
I said drink!
336
00:17:13,720 --> 00:17:15,160
Go straight to that address,
337
00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:19,280
no detours, no fucking about.
You do not let this out of your sight.
338
00:17:19,359 --> 00:17:21,160
Give it to a guy called Kermit.
339
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:24,760
-Understood. Family business.
-Important family business.
340
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,000
We only talk on that.
341
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:30,040
You'll need a car.
342
00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:35,960
[honk]
343
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:37,200
[pop music plays]
344
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:45,880
-Bit old for joyriding.
-Company car.
345
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,200
On business. I finish at six.
346
00:17:48,280 --> 00:17:50,480
-That right?
-I'll pick you up outside the shop.
347
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,000
Come on, live a little.
348
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,040
I'm a nice guy when you get to know me.
349
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:55,760
-[Sita laughs]
-The girls say that.
350
00:17:55,840 --> 00:17:59,080
We could be on the Dales in half an hour.
Country pub.
351
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,400
Bit of food.
352
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:02,880
I'll be outside the shop at six.
Make sure you are.
353
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:21,560
[electronic male voice]
Step, kick, turn. Step, kick, turn.
354
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,000
Kick and... turn.
355
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,040
Step, kick, turn, and pop.
356
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:30,160
Hold it.
357
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:33,320
Plie down slowly.
358
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,080
Like grinding on a cock.
359
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,720
Come on, Saskia,
get your knees wider than that.
360
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:43,120
I've seen you on Saturday night
on the wheelie bin out back.
361
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:45,800
Big finale! Teeth and tits.
362
00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:48,960
Fuck me. Just tits.
363
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:51,000
And...
364
00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:52,040
five,
365
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:53,560
six,
366
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:54,640
seven, eight.
367
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:58,360
Sex on a fucking plate! Right.
368
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:00,840
Get yourselves washed up,
ladies, top and tail.
369
00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:03,920
Fucking stinks like a fucking fishmonger's
in here, fuck me.
370
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,520
Like fucking Grimsby.
371
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,800
I take it you're not here
for the audition.
372
00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:12,880
It's Maguire business.
373
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,240
Not here, you fucking idiot!
374
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:17,800
Never in public, you fucking twat!
375
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:22,800
[upbeat music in distance]
376
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,040
-You must be Carl.
-Carl Gallagher.
377
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:31,160
Not a Maguire.
378
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,880
-Jamie must trust you.
-His right-hand man.
379
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:41,560
[Kermit] An alsation ripped me throat open
380
00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,240
and swallowed me voice box.
381
00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:48,360
-We laugh about it now, don't we, Griffin?
-[dog growls]
382
00:19:48,440 --> 00:19:49,960
[Kermit] Don't worry.
383
00:19:50,040 --> 00:19:51,160
He's been fed.
384
00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:59,640
You'll have to go upstairs
in the bar while I count this.
385
00:20:03,280 --> 00:20:05,960
Tasty little Pole on a pole up next.
386
00:20:08,120 --> 00:20:10,640
You can fuck her if you want. My treat.
387
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:13,960
She likes it up the Gary.
388
00:20:15,760 --> 00:20:16,880
[Kermit laughs]
389
00:20:20,280 --> 00:20:22,160
[dog barking]
390
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:23,840
Down, Griffin!
391
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,400
[Jackson] She hates Billie Holliday.
392
00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:32,240
I hate Billie Holliday.
393
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:33,680
Can't stand Michael Jackson,
394
00:20:33,760 --> 00:20:36,680
think Al Green's only ever done
three decent tunes in his life.
395
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:38,600
Don't get me started on Diana Ross.
396
00:20:38,680 --> 00:20:41,160
She treated the riots
as an excuse for a looting spree.
397
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,000
I think some of your black brothers
may have done the same.
398
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:46,640
We both know what the root
of this particular problem is.
399
00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,480
-Not that again.
-You're a Man U fan.
400
00:20:48,560 --> 00:20:52,320
-All Man U fans hate Scousers, admit it.
-You're being ridiculous.
401
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,760
You're accusing Mimi of all sorts,
402
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,800
when both know who the real bigot is.
403
00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,600
I resent that. She says we're different.
404
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,480
You'd call her a racist if she didn't.
She can't win.
405
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,080
You've got me all wrong.
406
00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:07,600
I just say you can't make assumptions
on the colour of someone's skin.
407
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,560
I know, babe.
408
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:14,120
I mean, I always assumed
all black men had big cocks.
409
00:21:18,440 --> 00:21:19,680
[Avril laughs]
410
00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:21,200
[Jackson] Give us those here!
411
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,080
[soft music]
412
00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:45,480
Going somewhere?
413
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:46,600
[dog barking]
414
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,480
I don't know what you're talking about!
415
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:54,320
I thought you said this was untouched?
416
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,760
Jamie handed it to me
and I handed it to you.
417
00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:00,160
Jamie's too clued in to cross me, son,
418
00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:04,800
which means the only person stupid enough
to try and rip me off is you.
419
00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:06,240
No, Kermy!
420
00:22:06,320 --> 00:22:09,040
It's Kermit,
you little piece of fucking shite!
421
00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:10,080
[Carl grunts]
422
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:16,440
[Carl] You touch me and Jamie'll come down
on you so fuckin' hard!
423
00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:18,120
You're messing with the Maguires!
424
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:22,960
You think Jamie's gonna go to war with me
over a waste of space like you?
425
00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:25,720
-Look, what the fuck's all this about?
-Down, Griffin!
426
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:29,080
-[dog whines]
-[Kermit] This is two grand light.
427
00:22:29,160 --> 00:22:30,440
It can't be.
428
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:31,880
It's never left my side.
429
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:34,760
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
430
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:39,600
I'm going to teach you a lesson, son,
that you're never going to fucking forget.
431
00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:42,360
-[Carl] Oh, please, no!
-[Kermit] Hold him down, Judy.
432
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:44,200
No, no, no, no.
433
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:45,120
[Carl sobs]
434
00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:06,080
[Carl] I swear to God,
I didn't touch a penny of it!
435
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,080
Please, not that, anything but that.
436
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:10,880
Please just don't bum me, please, Kermit!
437
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:11,800
Bum you?
438
00:23:11,880 --> 00:23:15,240
I'm not going to fucking bum you,
you filthy little fucker.
439
00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:17,520
I'm changing into me trackie bottoms!
440
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:20,920
I've got two new numbers
to choreograph by Friday lunchtime.
441
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,480
Jamie'll vouch for me.
442
00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:25,120
I'd never do nothing like that.
I'm not a thief, I swear!
443
00:23:25,200 --> 00:23:27,680
Will you stop your fuckin' moaning? Jesus!
444
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:29,960
[Carl] Fucking wasn't me.
445
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:33,280
[Kermit] I've been dealing
with the Maguires
446
00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:35,000
since before you were born, son.
447
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:38,040
-Paddy never let me down.
-[clacking]
448
00:23:38,120 --> 00:23:40,440
Mimi never let me down,
449
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:42,160
Jamie never let me down.
450
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,680
Until he started using you.
451
00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:46,760
I never--
452
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:54,120
[Kermit] I can't run the risk
of another little toe-rag ripping me off,
453
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:57,000
thinking I'll just stand back
and do nothing.
454
00:23:57,080 --> 00:23:59,280
I have to send out a very clear message
455
00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:02,560
that this type of behaviour
will not be tolerated.
456
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:06,320
[Carl] Oh, no.
457
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:08,280
[Kermit] Which one's your wanking hand?
458
00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:10,680
-What?
-It's not a difficult question,
459
00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:12,920
you thick fucking twat!
460
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:16,440
Which one's your fucking jizz fist?
461
00:24:16,520 --> 00:24:17,920
Left or right?
462
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:18,840
I'm...
463
00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:23,680
-I'm ambidextrous.
-Oh, he's ambidextrous, Judy.
464
00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:27,360
I'll just have to cut a finger off both,
then, won't I?
465
00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:31,080
Hold him still, Judy,
or I'll have the fucking lot off.
466
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:33,320
Tell your mates, Carl.
467
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:36,000
-Nobody fucks with Kermit.
-No.
468
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:38,520
[Kermit] Not even little Miss Piggy.
469
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:41,600
[Carl] Please, please!
[sobs]
470
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:52,600
Me bollocks!
471
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:27,520
[engine starts]
472
00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:33,160
[mobile phone rings]
473
00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:37,520
Peek a boo!
474
00:25:37,600 --> 00:25:38,840
[Carl yells]
475
00:25:54,280 --> 00:25:55,840
[Sita] Yep, cool.
476
00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:57,440
Meet you there in a bit. Bye.
477
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:01,720
Just off to meet a friend in town.
478
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:04,720
Well, next time you report to granddad,
479
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:06,640
tell him I'm back in the black.
480
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:08,680
All sorted, like I said it would be.
481
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:12,560
[door closes]
482
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:22,720
After that feast you cooked me,
483
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:24,720
I want to return the favour.
484
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:26,720
Been ringing round me mates from Tocky.
485
00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:28,880
Don't know whether to do Afro-Caribbean...
486
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:30,720
Somali...
487
00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:32,960
Thai?
488
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:34,880
Very multicultural.
489
00:26:34,960 --> 00:26:36,480
Never judge a book by its cover.
490
00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:38,400
Obviously.
491
00:26:40,920 --> 00:26:43,160
Every colour of the rainbow
where I grew up.
492
00:26:43,240 --> 00:26:45,080
At school, I was a right wigger.
493
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:47,960
Had the Bo Derek braids and loved Boney M,
494
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:50,520
and The Cosbys. [laughs]
495
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:54,280
-Can't thank you enough for your support.
-I'm just one big melting pot, me.
496
00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:03,440
Got a few football tickets to get rid of.
497
00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:06,640
-Usual.
-I'll take the Liverpool ones.
498
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,440
Wouldn't touch the United ones
with a shitty stick, though.
499
00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:12,640
You and me both,
the smug fucking bastards.
500
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:14,120
-See you later.
-See you later.
501
00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:15,880
See you.
502
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:20,120
Just been talking about your lot.
503
00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:22,160
My lot?
504
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:24,520
I know you're always
in the limelight and on telly,
505
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:27,920
but fucking hell,
do you ever stop rubbing it in?
506
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:30,440
A glorious history and all that shite.
507
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:34,920
Do us all a favour
and shut the fuck up for a bit, eh?
508
00:27:39,120 --> 00:27:40,280
Fuck that.
509
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:44,880
-I'm not drinking in here.
-What's happened?
510
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,680
Us lot are just off home, Mimi.
511
00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:49,600
And good fuckin' riddance, eh!
512
00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:51,160
[door opens and closes]
513
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:54,760
[Avril] Jackson!
514
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:08,720
[Carl breathes heavily]
515
00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:14,680
[thunders]
516
00:28:16,640 --> 00:28:18,320
[mobile phone rings]
517
00:28:21,440 --> 00:28:24,680
-Carl.
-Look, I'm sorry... right.
518
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:25,840
Carl, what the fuck?
519
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:28,320
I just need for you to know
that it wasn't me
520
00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:29,840
that fucked up your business.
521
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:42,760
-[Mimi] Let's start.
-I've got business.
522
00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:45,480
-[Mimi] Can it wait? It's gonna have to.
-[Jamie] Can't.
523
00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:48,120
[Shane] It's a family meeting.
We should wait for Micky.
524
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:50,200
[Jamie] He's even less use than you.
525
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:53,040
-Can we get this over with?
-[Karen] Right.
526
00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:54,680
She...
527
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:57,000
was handing these out in the pub.
528
00:28:57,080 --> 00:28:59,440
"Your chance to appear in your own porno
529
00:28:59,520 --> 00:29:03,600
as 'Kelly Does Chatsworth'.
530
00:29:03,680 --> 00:29:06,280
I need 50 of the hardest men I can find,
531
00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:08,640
and I mean hard,
532
00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:11,320
to make my dream come true.
533
00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:13,960
Do you measure up?"
534
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:17,920
You were handing these out in the pub?
535
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:21,840
Paddy was selling smack
to kids a few years back.
536
00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:24,640
You were dealing weed
from your own front door!
537
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:26,320
I wasn't sticking me arse out of it
538
00:29:26,400 --> 00:29:29,200
and charging a tenner for it
to be filled, was I?
539
00:29:29,280 --> 00:29:30,520
Did you know about this?
540
00:29:30,600 --> 00:29:33,120
If you mean did I ask
his permission, no, I didn't.
541
00:29:33,200 --> 00:29:35,320
It's been difficult
trying to make ends meet.
542
00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:38,200
[Kelly] It's been fucking impossible
and it's been made worse
543
00:29:38,280 --> 00:29:42,000
by the fact that we've been
getting ripped off by so-called family.
544
00:29:42,080 --> 00:29:43,520
[mobile phone rings]
545
00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:45,520
Kermit.
546
00:29:46,480 --> 00:29:48,080
It can't be. I counted it myself.
547
00:29:48,920 --> 00:29:51,240
No, I'm not calling you a liar.
548
00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:52,400
Carl wouldn't do that.
549
00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:55,440
Look, I'm on me way. I'll sort it.
550
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:58,160
-15 minutes, yeah?
-[Kelly] Who've you been upsetting now?
551
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:02,240
Carl made a drop to Kermit.
552
00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:04,200
It's down two K. He won't do business.
553
00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:07,160
-Carl's ripped us off.
-[Jamie] I'll kill the little fucker.
554
00:30:16,080 --> 00:30:17,560
[train rattling in distance]
555
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:24,800
My bird walked out on us, yeah?
556
00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:28,200
[moans] Left us in a right Jeremy Kyle.
557
00:30:28,280 --> 00:30:31,880
Yeah, I have to sell me arse now
just to keep her in nappies.
558
00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:33,920
Yeah, you like that, don't you?
559
00:30:34,000 --> 00:30:35,880
Yeah, got you nice and hard, has it?
560
00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:38,920
You've cum already?
561
00:30:39,000 --> 00:30:40,400
I hadn't even got started.
562
00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:43,840
We are sitting on a gold mine here,
I'm telling you.
563
00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:45,960
A few more days, it'd set you up for life.
564
00:30:46,040 --> 00:30:49,400
-Reckon?
-We cleared over a grand in two days.
565
00:30:49,480 --> 00:30:52,560
Another week and you could buy
that car you've had your eye on.
566
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:54,640
Fortnight in Spain next summer.
567
00:30:54,720 --> 00:30:56,160
Nice trackie, trainers.
568
00:30:56,240 --> 00:30:57,920
-Babe magnet.
-Yeah?
569
00:30:58,000 --> 00:30:59,880
More pussy than a cat's home, mate.
570
00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:01,000
[mobile phone rings]
571
00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:05,960
[Chesney] Yeah, lick my Adidas,
you piece of shit.
572
00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:07,720
-You want it, don't you?
-I do indeed.
573
00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:09,880
-Desperate for it.
-I'm partial to a pilchard,
574
00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:11,360
but I wouldn't say desperate.
575
00:31:11,440 --> 00:31:14,080
You want to stick it up
my nice, tight, virgin arse.
576
00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:16,240
No, I'm going to stick it on a cracker.
577
00:31:16,320 --> 00:31:19,680
Give me a bit more notice
when you're up for a bit of kink
578
00:31:19,760 --> 00:31:21,600
and I'll gladly oblige.
579
00:31:26,360 --> 00:31:27,440
He hasn't been home.
580
00:31:27,520 --> 00:31:30,480
He'll have been out spilling
his seed, just like his father.
581
00:31:30,560 --> 00:31:34,640
[Lillian] My Brendan was the same.
Spilling it everywhere, just like a hose.
582
00:31:34,720 --> 00:31:36,800
Ruined the Axminster.
583
00:31:36,880 --> 00:31:39,760
Had his prostrate whizzed out,
that put a stop to it.
584
00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:42,520
Then Rodney took over
where his father left off,
585
00:31:42,600 --> 00:31:44,880
spilling it left, right and centre.
586
00:31:44,960 --> 00:31:47,000
It's such a persistent stain, isn't it?
587
00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:50,440
Well, I'm starting to worry.
588
00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:56,120
-What if he misses his own birthday party?
-He's not a child.
589
00:31:56,200 --> 00:31:57,240
It's a Gallagher thing.
590
00:31:57,320 --> 00:32:00,360
All the men try and do a runner
before any celebration.
591
00:32:05,920 --> 00:32:10,360
-Can I have a hand here, please?
-Unless, of course, there's a free bar.
592
00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:12,120
Eh?
593
00:32:16,840 --> 00:32:17,920
[mobile phone rings]
594
00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:20,960
[Carl sighs]
595
00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:36,800
There's not many places
you can hide in this car.
596
00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:37,880
Get the fuck off!
597
00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:41,040
[Avril] Jackson's running late.
598
00:32:41,120 --> 00:32:43,520
He's dropping Letitia off at a friend's.
599
00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:45,920
-I hope you like this.
-Why wouldn't we?
600
00:32:46,000 --> 00:32:48,160
[Mimi] Don't think
curry's too heavy for lunch?
601
00:32:48,240 --> 00:32:50,280
[Avril] Stop worrying.
602
00:32:50,360 --> 00:32:52,760
It's just that your fella's
not that easy to impress.
603
00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:54,560
So why try?
604
00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:56,760
-Who cares what he thinks?
-I do.
605
00:32:56,840 --> 00:32:59,000
There's one thing
you should know about Jackson.
606
00:32:59,960 --> 00:33:02,120
He's a good man and I love him,
607
00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:04,920
but he can be a complete wanker.
608
00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:08,400
At least he knows his own mind
and stands up for what he believes in.
609
00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:10,480
-[knocking]
-[door opens]
610
00:33:10,560 --> 00:33:13,600
[Jackson] All right, all right,
calm down, calm down.
611
00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:15,160
Is right, Mimi, girl?
612
00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:17,200
Buzzin', laughin',
613
00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:19,840
toffee apple, kidda! [laughs] Eh?
614
00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:23,720
The money wasn't there.
He was going to cut my fingers off.
615
00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:26,040
Strip.
616
00:33:28,080 --> 00:33:29,720
-What?
-I said strip.
617
00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:39,560
I didn't take the cash.
618
00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:41,960
It's hard for you to believe,
but I didn't.
619
00:33:42,040 --> 00:33:43,000
I wouldn't!
620
00:33:43,080 --> 00:33:44,520
It's not in my nature.
621
00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:49,960
You put your faith in me,
why chuck it back in your face?
622
00:33:53,360 --> 00:33:54,720
Get in the car.
623
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:58,600
-Please, Jamie.
-Get in the fucking car!
624
00:33:58,680 --> 00:34:00,840
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
-Man up, Carl.
625
00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:01,760
[Carl cries]
626
00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:04,440
[Jamie] Come on!
627
00:34:05,920 --> 00:34:07,240
[Carl] I'm just a kid.
628
00:34:08,199 --> 00:34:09,600
I don't want to go with you.
629
00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:20,239
My cock's as thick as a beer can
and it wants your hole.
630
00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:23,080
The hardest scally on the streets,
that's who this is,
631
00:34:23,159 --> 00:34:25,520
now touch your toes
and spread those butt cheeks.
632
00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:27,199
Who?
633
00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:33,719
But I've got a jock strap on
and I'm just back from the match.
634
00:34:35,440 --> 00:34:37,000
I've got an eight-inch throbber.
635
00:34:38,719 --> 00:34:39,679
He wants you.
636
00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:46,040
[Chesney] I told you before,
you filthy little fucker,
637
00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:47,679
lick my boots clean.
638
00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:50,159
I want every fuckin' stud gleamin'
639
00:34:50,239 --> 00:34:53,080
and when you've done that,
I want your mouth around my toes.
640
00:34:54,480 --> 00:34:56,360
Nice one. Any time, mate.
641
00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:57,720
Yeah, bye.
642
00:35:00,120 --> 00:35:02,800
[Micky] It just rots the soul, dunnit?
643
00:35:02,880 --> 00:35:04,680
You know, zaps your aura.
644
00:35:04,760 --> 00:35:05,600
It's good money.
645
00:35:05,680 --> 00:35:09,000
It can't be good for you
absorbing that day after day.
646
00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:11,520
It blurs your moral boundaries.
647
00:35:11,600 --> 00:35:16,520
It's corrupted and it's making me
feel sick talking to those perverts.
648
00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:18,040
Fuck's sake, Micky.
649
00:35:18,120 --> 00:35:20,440
If it's getting to you that much,
let's stop it.
650
00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:23,720
They're human beings, you know.
651
00:35:25,440 --> 00:35:27,120
[mobile phone rings]
652
00:35:29,640 --> 00:35:31,160
Fuck off, filth!
653
00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:33,160
Urgh!
654
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:36,440
I think you owe Mimi an apology.
655
00:35:36,520 --> 00:35:38,200
I think she owes me one.
656
00:35:38,280 --> 00:35:42,720
All that shit about "your lot"
and "our glorious history."
657
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:45,320
-Hundreds of years of oppression--
-Hang on!
658
00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:46,960
When I said "your lot"
659
00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:49,280
I meant Man United supporters!
660
00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:51,920
Who the fucking hell
did you think I was talking about?
661
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:53,000
[Avril] Jackson,
662
00:35:53,080 --> 00:35:55,320
got it into his head you were insulting...
663
00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:00,320
"us lot."
664
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,520
How fucking dare you!
665
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:07,080
So you get into the comedy Scouse gear
to get your own back?
666
00:36:07,160 --> 00:36:08,520
I was illustrating a point.
667
00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:12,800
[Mimi] That Scousers are all
trackie-wearing, curly-headed scum?
668
00:36:12,880 --> 00:36:15,520
No, that it's a misconception.
669
00:36:16,840 --> 00:36:20,280
The same as black people eating
curried goat out of a wooden bowl.
670
00:36:20,360 --> 00:36:23,160
Do you know how hard it is to find goat?
671
00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:30,920
I go out of my way to provide
an authentic meal.
672
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:32,320
I'm not a lover of goat.
673
00:36:35,200 --> 00:36:36,640
You're right,
674
00:36:36,720 --> 00:36:38,040
he is a wanker.
675
00:36:38,120 --> 00:36:42,520
Well, you can take your sneery,
half smile and fuck off.
676
00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:46,760
And I'll flush that bag of skunk I bought.
677
00:36:46,840 --> 00:36:48,000
Wouldn't want to offend.
678
00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:53,600
Who's offended?
679
00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:02,160
I've got the money.
680
00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:07,240
It's not just about the money, Jamie.
681
00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:12,120
I said I'd slip you some extra.
682
00:37:12,960 --> 00:37:14,200
Call it compensation.
683
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:19,760
Your little rookie's not leaving here
without a fucking mark.
684
00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:20,840
I called you...
685
00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:26,760
[Jamie] You'll take the cash
686
00:37:27,680 --> 00:37:29,720
and leave me to sort him. You got it?
687
00:37:31,200 --> 00:37:33,480
You've lost face? What about me?
688
00:37:33,560 --> 00:37:35,480
Done over by someone I had ambition for.
689
00:37:35,560 --> 00:37:38,440
Someone I gave a chance to.
Someone I trusted.
690
00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:41,480
I've got something lined up for Carl,
don't you worry about that.
691
00:37:48,120 --> 00:37:48,960
Put that on.
692
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:55,240
Blindfold, you tit.
693
00:37:56,520 --> 00:37:57,920
[sad music]
694
00:38:04,080 --> 00:38:04,920
[Carl whimpers]
695
00:38:32,880 --> 00:38:33,880
No, Jamie.
696
00:38:33,960 --> 00:38:35,520
-[Jamie] Any last words, Carl?
-No.
697
00:38:41,720 --> 00:38:43,080
[Jamie] C'mon.
698
00:38:43,160 --> 00:38:44,000
Please, Jamie.
699
00:38:48,800 --> 00:38:50,840
-[Jamie] The birthday boy's here.
-[cheering]
700
00:38:57,800 --> 00:38:59,120
Keep it together, bud.
701
00:38:59,200 --> 00:39:01,040
Mate, I think I've just pissed a bit.
702
00:39:01,120 --> 00:39:02,320
You owe me.
703
00:39:02,400 --> 00:39:03,240
Hey.
704
00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:05,600
[Karen] Happy birthday!
705
00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:08,440
[Karen laughs]
706
00:39:09,960 --> 00:39:11,920
-[Karen] What's up with him?
-He's overcome.
707
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:13,640
We were worried sick.
708
00:39:13,720 --> 00:39:15,560
-Did you do all this?
-We helped out,
709
00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:18,080
but Jamie organised everything.
710
00:39:18,160 --> 00:39:20,680
[Jamie] Couldn't let me mate down.
711
00:39:20,760 --> 00:39:24,000
["Paroles de Romeo" plays]
♪ You keep on giving me the hold-up ♪
712
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:27,760
♪ You know I wish
You'd make your mind up ♪
713
00:39:27,840 --> 00:39:30,920
[Mimi] The only decent thing
to come out of Manchester is the M62.
714
00:39:31,000 --> 00:39:33,400
And the greatest football team
in the land.
715
00:39:33,480 --> 00:39:35,600
-Wayne Rooney.
-Oasis.
716
00:39:35,680 --> 00:39:38,720
-Lennon wannabes.
-[Jackson] Inflicting Cilla on us?
717
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:40,520
Mick fucking Hucknall.
718
00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:45,160
-Liverpool was a city built on slavery.
-I never dragged anyone out the jungle.
719
00:39:45,240 --> 00:39:48,560
-Sins of the fathers.
-What about sins of your fathers?
720
00:39:48,640 --> 00:39:50,560
Some of them chiefs sold their own.
721
00:39:50,640 --> 00:39:53,960
The black race have had to live
through centuries of oppression.
722
00:39:54,040 --> 00:39:56,040
[Mimi] I'm a woman, black.
723
00:39:56,120 --> 00:39:58,400
Scouse, black.
724
00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:00,320
Fat, black.
725
00:40:00,400 --> 00:40:03,240
Working class, black.
726
00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:08,160
And where were you when my ancestors
were starving to death back in Ireland?
727
00:40:08,240 --> 00:40:11,640
So don't talk to me
about perse-fucking-cution!
728
00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:23,760
We'll take your presents to the house.
729
00:40:23,840 --> 00:40:26,760
[Patty] You can't trust this thieving lot.
730
00:40:26,840 --> 00:40:28,960
All the best, son.
731
00:40:29,040 --> 00:40:31,440
Now that you're 21,
if you need any advice on women...
732
00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:33,280
[chuckles] You cheeky twat.
733
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:35,400
Hey.
734
00:40:36,840 --> 00:40:38,040
There you go, son.
735
00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:42,800
I just wanted to say a few words
on this special day.
736
00:40:42,880 --> 00:40:45,400
-Got something for ya.
-Time goes by so fast...
737
00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:48,240
Seems like only yesterday...
738
00:40:56,880 --> 00:40:59,320
-We didn't know what to get you.
-So we got you these.
739
00:40:59,400 --> 00:41:01,480
[Lillian] Happy birthday.
740
00:41:01,560 --> 00:41:03,800
Listen, I really appreciate this,
girls, but...
741
00:41:04,960 --> 00:41:06,560
I'm spoken for so...
742
00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:18,840
Took your fuckin' time.
743
00:41:18,920 --> 00:41:20,000
I'm out.
744
00:41:21,120 --> 00:41:22,960
You mean Jamie pushed you out.
745
00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:25,280
My decision to walk.
746
00:41:25,360 --> 00:41:28,160
-Sure you've done the right thing?
-Absolutely.
747
00:41:28,240 --> 00:41:30,160
I've had my wings clipped for too long.
748
00:41:31,240 --> 00:41:33,160
Feel like I can fly with you.
749
00:41:33,240 --> 00:41:35,320
You don't half talk shit sometimes.
750
00:41:36,840 --> 00:41:40,680
-Go back now and kiss and make up.
-Ah, ah, ah, you wanted bollocks.
751
00:41:42,520 --> 00:41:43,920
Don't do this for me.
752
00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:45,680
I am doing this...
753
00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:46,600
for me.
754
00:41:47,600 --> 00:41:49,440
And we are better on our own.
755
00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:52,560
Whatever we earn is ours.
756
00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:53,760
Just me and you, babe.
757
00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:56,240
Bonnie and fuckin' Clyde, eh?
758
00:42:07,360 --> 00:42:08,240
[snoring]
759
00:42:08,320 --> 00:42:09,800
[loud music]
760
00:42:13,560 --> 00:42:16,880
We're all just standing around
stroking our cocks for the games teacher.
761
00:42:18,680 --> 00:42:19,720
You were doing so well.
762
00:42:26,920 --> 00:42:29,240
-I'm sorry about last night.
-Last night?
763
00:42:30,080 --> 00:42:31,120
[gas releasing]
764
00:42:31,200 --> 00:42:33,040
You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
765
00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:36,960
-Didn't wait long, did you?
-I didn't wait at all.
766
00:42:37,040 --> 00:42:38,960
[chuckles] I wasn't there.
767
00:42:39,040 --> 00:42:39,880
We made a date.
768
00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:41,640
You made a date.
769
00:42:41,720 --> 00:42:42,960
I had other arrangements.
770
00:42:43,040 --> 00:42:44,600
[women shouting]
771
00:42:45,720 --> 00:42:47,160
Those girls are more your type.
772
00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:50,680
Enjoy your evening.
773
00:42:56,160 --> 00:42:57,320
[soft guitar music]
774
00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:03,120
[Carl] Lils, get down.
775
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:09,720
-[Jamie] Had a good night?
-Yeah, thanks, Jamie.
776
00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:13,880
I'm sorry, I thought you were...
777
00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:16,800
-with the car and the blindfold.
-Fucking hell.
778
00:43:16,880 --> 00:43:18,840
I'm still two grand down, though.
779
00:43:18,920 --> 00:43:21,360
You're going to have to work that off.
780
00:43:21,440 --> 00:43:23,040
I thought you would've wanted rid.
781
00:43:26,360 --> 00:43:27,200
I took it.
782
00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:30,000
-You did what?
-Well, it works for everyone else.
783
00:43:30,080 --> 00:43:33,720
I took what was ours.
You wouldn't hand it over, so I took it.
784
00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:35,600
And you're not getting an apology
785
00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:37,440
nor getting it back. It was ours!
786
00:43:38,440 --> 00:43:41,160
-Wasn't it, Shane?
-Do you know what trouble you've caused?
787
00:43:41,240 --> 00:43:42,200
Wasn't it, Shane?
788
00:43:43,360 --> 00:43:44,320
Shane...
789
00:43:53,440 --> 00:43:54,760
I won't fuck it up again.
790
00:43:56,760 --> 00:43:57,640
I know you won't.
791
00:44:03,640 --> 00:44:05,600
-Sweetie...
-Oh, leave him in his own vomit.
792
00:44:05,680 --> 00:44:07,360
What if he chokes?
793
00:44:07,440 --> 00:44:10,160
Throw a tablecloth over him.
He'll be fine.
794
00:44:26,120 --> 00:44:29,080
-I've joined the family business.
-[Shane] That is funny, Carl,
795
00:44:29,160 --> 00:44:30,920
because I just left.
796
00:44:32,440 --> 00:44:34,080
I hope you know what you're doing.
797
00:44:35,000 --> 00:44:36,960
[Carl] It's the only job
with any prospects.
798
00:44:37,880 --> 00:44:39,480
You're a dickhead, Carl.
799
00:44:39,560 --> 00:44:41,720
A stupid, naive, little prick...
800
00:44:42,800 --> 00:44:44,200
who's just made
801
00:44:44,280 --> 00:44:46,400
the biggest mistake of his life.
802
00:44:49,560 --> 00:44:51,120
And how's that?
803
00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:52,040
You'll see.
804
00:44:54,400 --> 00:44:59,400
[Carl] So your garden might not be
all stripy lawns and blossom trees.
805
00:44:59,480 --> 00:45:01,360
Could be full of thorns.
806
00:45:01,440 --> 00:45:02,680
Hidden dangers.
807
00:45:02,760 --> 00:45:04,760
But chances are
you'll know all about them.
808
00:45:11,720 --> 00:45:15,320
Twenty one years
in this garden, this shithole,
809
00:45:15,400 --> 00:45:17,480
this little plot of earth,
810
00:45:17,560 --> 00:45:19,200
and I want 21 one more.
811
00:45:22,080 --> 00:45:24,440
And I want to spend
each and every one of 'em...
812
00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:28,360
right here.
813
00:45:30,080 --> 00:45:33,320
[Kelly] We said no more robbing.
Got to give the new business a chance.
814
00:45:33,400 --> 00:45:36,080
First big earner
and you wanna run for help?
815
00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:38,200
[Jamie] You might be in a spot of bother.
816
00:45:38,280 --> 00:45:39,800
[Sita] They're using you!
817
00:45:39,880 --> 00:45:43,400
[Chesney] Be more gentle with the clutch.
But on the whole, some improvement.
818
00:45:43,480 --> 00:45:44,960
They can let their hair down.
819
00:45:45,040 --> 00:45:47,440
-[Sita] And their knickers.
-Who's gonna hurt?
820
00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:52,040
[policeman] Get down on the floor!
Stay down! Stay down! Get down!
821
00:45:52,120 --> 00:45:54,800
[Kelly] Another half hour,
unless you want to pay for more.
822
00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:56,280
-[screaming]
-[outro music]
823
00:46:36,360 --> 00:46:38,600
♪ Brown girl in the ring ♪
824
00:46:38,680 --> 00:46:40,360
[chorus] ♪ Tra la la la la ♪
825
00:46:40,440 --> 00:46:43,200
♪ There's a brown girl in the ring ♪
826
00:46:43,280 --> 00:46:45,520
[chorus] ♪ Tra la la la la la ♪
827
00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:47,720
♪ Brown girl in the ring ♪
828
00:46:47,800 --> 00:46:49,240
[chorus] ♪ Tra la la la la ♪
829
00:46:49,320 --> 00:46:52,760
♪ She looks like a sugar in a plum ♪
830
00:46:52,840 --> 00:46:54,360
[chorus] ♪ Plum, plum! ♪
831
00:46:54,440 --> 00:46:56,600
♪ Show me your motion ♪
832
00:46:56,680 --> 00:46:58,440
[chorus] ♪ Tra la la la la ♪
833
00:46:58,520 --> 00:47:01,200
♪ Come on, show me your motion ♪
834
00:47:01,280 --> 00:47:03,520
[chorus] ♪ Tra la la la la la ♪
835
00:47:03,600 --> 00:47:05,880
♪ Show me your motion ♪
836
00:47:05,960 --> 00:47:07,240
[chorus] ♪ Tra la la la la ♪
837
00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:10,600
♪ She looks like a sugar in a plum ♪
838
00:47:10,680 --> 00:47:12,000
[chorus] ♪ Plum, plum! ♪
62403
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