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This programme contains adult humour
and some strong language.
2
00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:06,320
Dearest Benjamin,
3
00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:09,040
I'm so pleased you're able to attend
your Uncle Harvey's funeral.
4
00:00:09,040 --> 00:00:11,600
It means the world to the girls
and myself to have you there.
5
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,600
Of course, with it being the first
Monday in the month,
6
00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:17,040
I will be honouring Nude Day
as usual,
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00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:19,720
which is what I believe your
Uncle Harvey would have wished.
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00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:21,200
It's fine, Auntie Val, honestly.
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ANNOUNCER: We are now approaching
Royston Vasey,
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where this train terminates.
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This is the end of the line.
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00:00:26,600 --> 00:00:27,640
Let me get your bag.
13
00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:41,280
GROANING
14
00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:44,920
Y'all right, love?
I'm looking for the mayor's office.
15
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:47,360
Oh, it's just down there
on your left.
16
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:49,760
You can't miss it,
it's the only one not boarded up.
17
00:00:49,760 --> 00:00:51,040
Thank you.
18
00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:52,320
Hey!
19
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:53,320
Hey,
20
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:56,520
it didn't used to be like this,
you know - Vasey.
21
00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,360
Really? No!
22
00:00:58,360 --> 00:01:01,000
Used to be a right shit-hole.
23
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:02,760
Derek!
24
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,280
Your first patient's here.
Thank you!
25
00:01:08,640 --> 00:01:09,880
Cheers!
26
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:14,600
Taking their two front teeth out,
aren't we?
27
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:15,640
Just a check-up.
28
00:02:01,160 --> 00:02:02,200
DOG BARKS
29
00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,360
So, is it good to be back, Benjamin,
30
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after all this time?
31
00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:27,640
It is, though under
sad circumstances, obviously.
32
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:29,160
Do you two know each other?
33
00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:33,040
Yes - Barbara was the first person
I met in Royston Vasey.
34
00:02:33,040 --> 00:02:34,880
She was very friendly,
as I remember it.
35
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,440
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
We'll have none of that in here!
36
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:38,800
No hate speech.
37
00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:41,600
Hate speech? I...
38
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,360
Gender neutral pronouns only.
39
00:02:44,360 --> 00:02:46,240
People used to make fun
of the likes of us.
40
00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:49,120
Well, that's all gone now -
the world's moved on.
41
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:52,240
We are no longer a source
of cheap humour and laughs.
42
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,280
No.
43
00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:56,680
And this cab is a safe, friendly,
mutually respectful,
44
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:59,160
and above all, tolerant space!
45
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:01,960
Of course, Barbara.
What pronoun do you use?
46
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,000
Well, if you don't know,
you can piss off out of it -
47
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,560
I'm not fucking telling you!
48
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:15,440
DOG BARKS
49
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,800
CAMERA WARMS UP
50
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:20,840
ELECTRICAL BUZZ
51
00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:21,880
SHE SCREAMS
52
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,200
Hello.
53
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,400
Hello, there.
54
00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:41,760
And who do we have here, then?
55
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:43,960
This is Mittens, Mr Chinnery.
56
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,600
Daisy's been fascinated by hedgehogs
for ages.
57
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:47,760
I see.
58
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:51,400
So we put out some cat food
and some milk in a little saucer,
59
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,200
and after a few weeks...
60
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:54,400
along came Mittens.
61
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,160
What seems to be the problem?
62
00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,880
Oh! Good heavens!
63
00:03:59,880 --> 00:04:03,080
Well...you'll have to excuse me
if I look a little excited -
64
00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:04,760
this is quite an unusual disorder.
65
00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:06,000
Will he die?
66
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,160
No, no, no, no, no.
67
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:08,840
It's not as dramatic as it looks.
68
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:11,200
It's a mild condition
that occasionally affects
69
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:16,720
members of the Erinaceidae
family - the spiny mammals.
70
00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:18,160
Oh, really? Yes.
71
00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:24,080
Pockets of air can build up between
the musculature and the epidermis.
72
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:27,000
Then an underlying infection
causes a build-up of gas
73
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,880
beneath the hedgehog's skin.
74
00:04:28,880 --> 00:04:30,040
Sounds nasty.
75
00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:31,680
Oh, it's nothing to worry about.
76
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:38,000
Insertion of a small cannula will
gently release the built-up air.
77
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,960
Mittens will be back to
normal size in no time.
78
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:42,920
Don't you worry, Daisy.
79
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:46,400
Perhaps you could sing him a
little song to distract him.
80
00:04:46,400 --> 00:04:47,640
Put him at his ease, hmm?
81
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:53,240
ALL: # Twinkle, Twinkle
Little Star
82
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:57,360
# How I wonder what you are... #
83
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:58,560
EXPLOSION
84
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MOTHER SCREAMS
85
00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,320
I can't see!
86
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:10,360
SHE WHIMPERS
87
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:12,560
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
88
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:14,560
Have you thought about
getting a puppy?
89
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:27,720
What do you mean, squatters?
Them flats is coming down Wednesday.
90
00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,160
All right. I'll swing by later.
91
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:35,480
Where do you want us to move it to,
boss?
92
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:36,680
Oh, just bin it.
93
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:40,280
In a couple of months' time, Royston
Vasey ain't even going to exist.
94
00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:43,880
Didn't there used to be a shop
up here?
95
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:44,920
No idea.
96
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,240
SOFT CREAK
97
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:57,480
They're doing what?
98
00:05:57,480 --> 00:06:00,240
Apparently, the county are moving
the boundary line
99
00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:02,120
to exclude Royston Vasey.
100
00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:06,800
It'll bring down crime statistics,
unemployment figures,
101
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,760
missing persons...
102
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,400
Yours are the highest on record.
103
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:14,840
Well, at least we're good
at something, eh, Murray?
104
00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:16,160
So what'll happen to us?
105
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,440
From what we've heard
at the Chronicle,
106
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:23,360
you're going to be incorporated
into one of the bigger towns.
107
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,400
Like Spent or Blackbottoms.
108
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,200
Do you have a comment on that?
DICTAPHONE BLEEPS
109
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,200
Have you ever read the Bible, pet?
110
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:32,320
No. No, I haven't.
111
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:33,400
No, me neither.
112
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:36,120
But apparently, there was
a place called Sodom,
113
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:39,600
which was full of incest,
buggery and murder.
114
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,720
Eventually it was destroyed.
115
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:44,240
Shat on by God from a great height.
116
00:06:44,240 --> 00:06:46,960
Welcome to Royston Vasey.
What do you mean?
117
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:50,840
If they want to force us
into Blackbottoms, then so be it.
118
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:52,640
It's no skin off my fanny.
119
00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:54,760
But Bernice,
they've got their own mayor.
120
00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:57,920
We'd lose our jobs,
our hospitality budget,
121
00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:00,200
your free parking spot
outside of Oddbins.
122
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:01,240
Fuck that.
123
00:07:01,240 --> 00:07:03,400
Get some placards and paint
and phone rent-a-mob.
124
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:05,600
We're not going down
without a fight.
125
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,080
So, are you going anywhere nice
on your holidays, Benjamin?
126
00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,800
I've just booked for the
Isle of Man, actually.
127
00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:18,520
Er...Isle of what?
128
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,080
Er...Isle of Wight.
129
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:22,760
Racist. Erm...just here,
thank you, Barbara.
130
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:31,000
There you go.
131
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:32,960
Thank you, Barbara. See you.
132
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:34,240
Thank you.
133
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,880
Barbara's gone a bit militant,
hasn't she?
134
00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:40,880
Yes, he has.
135
00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:42,920
Your Uncle Harvey
would have approved.
136
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,960
He always liked to see things
correctly labelled, as you know.
137
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,640
A place for everything, and...
everything in its place.
138
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,480
Yes.
139
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:52,800
I remember.
140
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:56,400
Is the key under the mat?
141
00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:57,480
Sort of.
142
00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:21,840
Oh...
143
00:08:21,840 --> 00:08:23,120
Make yourself at home.
144
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:31,480
CROAKING
145
00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:47,480
Auntie Val...are you all right?
146
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:49,640
Yes, quite all right.
147
00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:51,400
Everything's perfectly in order.
148
00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,440
Do you want me to take my shoes off?
149
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:58,800
If you like.
150
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,520
Must have been quite a shock.
151
00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:05,080
Harvey had been ill for some time.
152
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,160
But at least I didn't have to
face it alone.
153
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:09,400
CHLOE AND RADCLYFFE:
Hello, Benjamin.
154
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:11,280
It's nice to see you again.
155
00:09:11,280 --> 00:09:13,560
We've had no-one to play with.
156
00:09:13,560 --> 00:09:16,080
BOTH: For years and years and years.
157
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:18,400
Oh, God.
158
00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:20,480
I'd forgotten.
159
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:38,520
All right, lads. All right.
160
00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:41,800
Do you, er...need any DVDs?
161
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:42,960
You what?
162
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,160
DVDs! They don't know what DVDs are.
163
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,440
They're like videos,
but you don't have to rewind them.
164
00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:49,440
We've got all the latest ones
on pirate.
165
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:52,040
We've got Matrix,
we've got Sixth Sense,
166
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:53,960
where he turns out a ghost
at the end,
167
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,280
We've got Pretty Woman.
Though that is a love.
168
00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:59,840
It is a love, and not like a bluey
love, more like a drama love.
169
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,440
Yeah, pig-shite boring,
to be honest.
170
00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:02,640
Nah, you're all right, mate.
171
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:04,720
We've got some good horrors.
Silence Of The Lambs.
172
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,880
Good killings, though it did
win an Oscar.
173
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:08,360
Too much acting.
174
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:09,600
Green Mile.
175
00:10:09,600 --> 00:10:12,440
Got a good death by electric,
and all things coming out his eyes.
176
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:15,240
Nightmare On Elm Street, where
she gets ate by her own bed...
177
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:16,280
Classic!
178
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,720
Oh, they're all, like, bare old.
179
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:21,000
You not got any, like, modern ones
or anything?
180
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,040
Come here.
181
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:25,480
Did you know they've made
a Terminator 2?
182
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:27,600
There you go!
183
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,720
Hokey-cokey pig-in-a-pokey!
184
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:36,240
Good morning, job-seekers!
185
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:39,080
Ooh, God, it stinks in here,
can no-one smell it?
186
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,480
Open a window for me, will you?
What's your name?
187
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,880
Mickey. Thank you, Mickey, love.
188
00:10:43,880 --> 00:10:45,920
But before you do...
189
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:50,120
I want you all to breathe in through
your noses and remember that stench.
190
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:53,160
Cos that is the smell of idleness.
191
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:56,160
It's the smell of dirty little
bum cracks pumping out the gas
192
00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,560
from a Kwik Save No Frills pasty.
193
00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:02,920
Eaten cold at four in the morning,
cos time has no meaning for you.
194
00:11:02,920 --> 00:11:05,560
That is your smell, job-seekers...
195
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,040
and I...
196
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,480
am an aerosol.
197
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:09,520
You can say that again.
198
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,280
Er...I beg your pardon?
199
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:13,600
Did you just say something?
200
00:11:14,560 --> 00:11:16,480
No. What's your name?
201
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:17,680
Ross. Ross.
202
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,760
I hope I'm not going to have
any problems with you.
203
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:22,800
Am I?
204
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:25,400
Not as far as I'm concerned.
205
00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:26,440
Good.
206
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,560
Come and sit up here at the front
next to Mickey love,
207
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:30,000
where I can keep an eye on you.
208
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,280
Right, the rest of you, put your
hands up if you can remember
209
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:39,920
what it was like to have to be in
a certain place at a certain time.
210
00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:41,920
Er...
211
00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:44,440
Here...this morning?
212
00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:45,920
Yes, thank you, Mr Waddy love.
213
00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:48,280
And it gave you
a sense of purpose, didn't it?
214
00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:50,360
So that's what we're going
to be looking at today -
215
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,640
motivation.
216
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:58,040
Mickey love, can you dish out
the pens please, Pauline's pens?
217
00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:00,000
And I know exactly
how many there are,
218
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,480
so don't be thinking you can smuggle
them out in your bottoms.
219
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:04,920
Yeah!
Be back in a sec.
220
00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:24,640
HE SIGHS
221
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:26,280
Sorry, Mickey, I can't do this.
222
00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,280
Ross, please, just keep going.
223
00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,880
I don't think it's doing any good.
It is, isn't it, doctor?
224
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,200
Certainly worth a try.
225
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:36,800
Patients with this form of dementia
do benefit from these re-creations.
226
00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:38,440
It's called reminiscence therapy.
227
00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:40,000
But why dredge all this up?
228
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,440
It was a horrible time
for all of us.
229
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:42,480
I liked it.
230
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,720
Pauline?
231
00:12:56,360 --> 00:12:58,480
Pauline, are you OK? Mmm?
232
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:00,040
Are you a little bit lost?
233
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:01,240
Yeah.
234
00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:02,640
You're in this room. Come on.
235
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:04,840
That's it. In you go.
236
00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:07,920
Here we go.
237
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,240
Right.
238
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:21,960
Good morning.
239
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,120
My name is...
240
00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:27,760
Pauline.
241
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:30,320
Pauline...Campbell-Jones.
242
00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:32,200
Have I done this bit?
243
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:34,200
And we're all here today...
244
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,480
Something to do with jobs.
245
00:13:39,560 --> 00:13:41,160
Mr Gaines, perhaps it would help
246
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:43,520
if you were to provoke Pauline
a little.
247
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,160
Write a rude message on the board.
248
00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:46,880
Why would I want to do that?
249
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,920
I believe the relationship between
the two of you was complex.
250
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:50,960
He bummed her!
251
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,000
No, I didn't.
252
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,640
It is often the extremes of emotion
that trigger the frontal cortex.
253
00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:00,840
All right.
254
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:04,440
But I don't see how anything
I could do could...
255
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:05,960
Aargh!
256
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,880
Piss off, Ross!
You smug speck of dole scum!
257
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,000
She broke my jaw!
258
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,120
How's that for motivation?
259
00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:15,240
You, monkey man! I thought
I told you to dish those pens out!
260
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:18,720
What are you waiting for?
I'm not stood here for your benefit!
261
00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:21,120
Thanks, Ross!
262
00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:22,880
She's back!
ROSS WHIMPERS
263
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:31,040
MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY
264
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:33,920
Mummy, Mummy, where are you?
265
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:37,360
'Scuse me...
266
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:38,960
Get off!
267
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:40,000
Pulling on me!
268
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:57,520
ON INTERCOM: Brian, I've got
a Geoffrey Tipps for you.
269
00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:58,880
Send him round, would you?
270
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:01,720
Geoff!
271
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:04,280
Geoff!
272
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,080
BRIAN CHUCKLES
Oh!
273
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,520
Hiya, Mr Morgan.
274
00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:10,360
Call me Brian, for goodness' sake!
275
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:11,560
How are you? It's been ages.
276
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,160
Yeah, I'm all right, yeah.
How are you?
277
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,920
You still having flashbacks
about being stuck in that elephant?
278
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,440
No, no. That's all in the past.
279
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:20,800
Therapy helped.
280
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:22,120
How's Mike?
281
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:24,040
Yeah, he's all right, yeah.
Bit stressed.
282
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:25,640
You know Cheryl's bed-bound?
283
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,800
No. I heard she got...bigger.
284
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:30,360
Oh, yeah. She's ridiculous now.
She can't get out of the house!
285
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,280
She's like one of them
American ones, you know,
286
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:34,960
when they wear grey tracksuits and
have to take a wall out? Really?
287
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,920
Apparently, her bed's on bricks.
Christ. It's a slippery slope.
288
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:39,200
That's what she needs!
289
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,520
Hi, Brian. Hey!
290
00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:44,160
Sorry I'm late. I was just telling
him about the state of Cheryl.
291
00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,840
She's massive now, isn't she, Mike?
She is, yeah.
292
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:49,480
In fact I've not got long,
cos she'll need turning soon, so...
293
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,720
Absolutely. You've obviously got
a lot on your plate.
294
00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:53,320
It's not HIS plate
that's the problem.
295
00:15:53,320 --> 00:15:54,680
Have you thought about a muzzle?
296
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:57,640
I understand you have an investment
opportunity to share with us, Geoff.
297
00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:58,800
I do, yeah. Erm...
298
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:00,560
Can I use this...? Yeah, of course.
299
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:06,880
Thanks. It's boiling in here.
300
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:10,280
GEOFF CLEARS HIS THROAT
301
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:12,800
Hello, Dragons.
302
00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,720
For the past few months,
I've found myself
303
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:19,400
at the coalface of
horticultural innovation.
304
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:20,640
He works in a garden centre.
305
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,840
Yeah, Wednesdays and
Friday mornings.
306
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,920
My idea will revolutionise
in-store queries,
307
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,600
and provide practical solutions
to all buyers' needs.
308
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:29,800
Right.
309
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,640
What is it?
310
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:36,160
The Garden Centre Guru is a booth,
or an upright sentry shed,
311
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,440
you know, like the one he sleeps in
in Chitty Bang Bang.
312
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:42,240
And me, or one of my team,
stand in it,
313
00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:44,200
and we answer questions
as they arise.
314
00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:47,640
And what costs would the loan cover?
315
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,160
Lawn? The LOAN.
316
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:53,200
Oh, I thought you said lawn, cos of
all the gardens and that. Er...
317
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:56,440
the building of the shed,
and...all the telephones.
318
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,480
Telephones? Yeah, cos each one
of the Tippsters -
319
00:16:58,480 --> 00:16:59,840
they'll be called Tippsters -
320
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:03,040
will need a mobile phone to provide
all the up-to-date information.
321
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,760
What, so your idea is to stand
in a box in a garden centre,
322
00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,360
like you do all week anyway...
Wednesdays and Friday mornings.
323
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:10,680
..and Google any questions
the customers might ask you?
324
00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:12,680
Well, not JUST that.
Don't do it down!
325
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,600
You make it sound like
that's all there is to it!
326
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:15,880
Well, what have I missed?
327
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:19,280
The uniforms.
328
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,160
Cos we'll all be wearing
red beefeater outfits.
329
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:24,600
Just thought of that now. Geoff...
330
00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:27,240
And ice lollies, for the kids.
331
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:30,240
But then we'll need a freezer,
so, freezer, extension lead...
332
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:31,680
Geoff, I can't.
333
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:34,000
We've had that many foreclosures,
334
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,480
every business plan has to be
rigorously tried and tested.
335
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:38,680
I'm sorry.
336
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:41,240
I said I wouldn't do this, but
I'm going to get on my knees to you.
337
00:17:41,240 --> 00:17:43,680
Geoff, don't. I'm on the bones
of me arse here, Brian.
338
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:45,280
You know I haven't got a gun,
don't you?
339
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:46,440
I had to sell it.
340
00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:47,480
Sorry to hear that.
341
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,920
I eat sandwiches from the bins
at the back of Hammonds.
342
00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:51,200
It's never the good ones.
343
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,040
It's always egg mayonnaise,
it's horrible.
344
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:56,000
I have to go through the proper
channels - my hands are tied.
345
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:58,560
You saying you're out?
346
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:00,760
I'm afraid so.
347
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,440
'Scuse me.
348
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:11,840
I'll do it.
349
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:14,480
Eh?
350
00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,280
I'll make you an offer
for all the money.
351
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,560
But I'm going to need something
in return. Oh, here we go!
352
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,880
Gives with one hand,
takes with the other. What is it?
353
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,680
I want you to kill Cheryl for me.
354
00:18:28,080 --> 00:18:29,760
OK. When do you need it done by?
355
00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:35,560
Oh, no, I don't like to use LGBT -
it's too limiting.
356
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:37,120
What acronym do you prefer?
357
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:40,000
The acronym I prefer is ACRONYM.
358
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,760
Actively Considering Reassignment
Or Not Yet Made Your Mind Up.
359
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:55,760
Come on, Collier, get stuck in!
360
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,280
Give it some welly!
361
00:18:58,280 --> 00:18:59,680
HE SIGHS
362
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:01,440
Sorry, we've not met properly.
363
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,080
Terry Webster, head of PE.
364
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,960
Wolf Lipp, Queen of Duisburg.
365
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,880
So what brings you back
to Royston Vasey?
366
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,800
Oh, I just came back to...
367
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,400
dig up some old friends.
368
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,680
WHISTLE BLOWS
369
00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,480
Oh, referee!
370
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,360
He's blowing for nothing!
371
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:17,520
Really? For nothing?
372
00:19:17,520 --> 00:19:19,160
Which one is she?
373
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:21,680
Jesus Christ!
374
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,680
And black is usually so slimming!
375
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,040
Get into him, Jonesy!
376
00:19:26,040 --> 00:19:29,040
For God's sake!
The marking's shocking.
377
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,280
Ja, marking can be a problem.
378
00:19:31,280 --> 00:19:34,760
The trick is not to spend
too much time in one area.
379
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,160
Stroke it around midfield a bit?
380
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:39,160
Ja, genau so.
381
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:40,520
Yeah, you might be right.
382
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,000
Eh, you should be doing my job!
383
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,280
Ah!
384
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,840
The experience of an older guy,
that's all.
385
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,400
So what do you reckon -
give Jones another 20 minutes,
386
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:50,520
and then pull him off?
387
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:53,160
All right, but, er...
388
00:19:53,160 --> 00:19:55,880
don't tell the other teachers,
or we might get in trouble!
389
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:57,240
Alles klar?
390
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,120
My beautiful girls.
Don't they make a smashing cake?
391
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,600
It's lovely.
392
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:10,960
Is that marzipan?
393
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,880
THEY CHUCKLE
394
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,320
They're deep ones.
395
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:16,960
They read books
with jaw-cracking words.
396
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:19,200
Say something out of
one of your books for Benjamin.
397
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,280
Our father has passed.
He was great, sir.
398
00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,560
He had two simple rules
we can state, sir.
399
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:24,640
A toad's a fine pet...
400
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,040
And please don't forget...
401
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,600
BOTH: In this house we
don't masturbate, sir.
402
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:30,640
Words are wonderful tools,
403
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:34,000
The more we know, the more we are...
enriched.
404
00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:35,760
Yes. So, erm...
405
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,600
where's the funeral?
Which cemetery is it at?
406
00:20:39,640 --> 00:20:41,240
It's not in a cemetery.
407
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:43,920
Really?
408
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:47,080
At first, Harvey wanted
to be cremated,
409
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,520
but he couldn't bear the
idea of his reproductive
410
00:20:49,520 --> 00:20:54,480
and evacuatory regions being mingled
with the remains of his own face,
411
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:58,440
so he requested to be incinerated
in two halves.
412
00:20:58,440 --> 00:20:59,600
I see.
413
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,480
We even prepared separate urns.
414
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:08,960
But we couldn't find a crematorium
willing to slice him up
415
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:11,160
and burn him in two sittings.
416
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,200
So we came up with...
417
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,240
another plan.
418
00:21:20,760 --> 00:21:22,240
Eat up, Benjamin.
419
00:21:22,240 --> 00:21:23,280
Eat up.
420
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:41,920
Ellie Johnson, Vasey Chronicle.
421
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:44,160
Is it true you're knocking
this building down
422
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,560
because it's right in the middle
of the boundary change?
423
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:48,600
No comment.
424
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,880
DOOR CREAKS HEAVILY
425
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:01,400
There's been reports of
unusual activity here.
426
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,400
Lights on at night...
427
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,920
Erm...graffiti on the walls
in human excrement.
428
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:09,160
I thought you said unusual activity.
429
00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:10,200
Can I quote you on that?
430
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:11,280
No.
431
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:29,600
THUNDER ROLLS
432
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:31,080
RADIO: ..significant wind chill.
433
00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:34,600
It will continue to be windy and
cold, with frost forming in some...
434
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,280
Are you cooking Chapulshka, Dad?
435
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:37,960
Certainly am. Yes!
436
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:39,720
Special occasion.
437
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:43,440
We repaired our 10,000th
phone screen today.
438
00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:45,040
Wasn't this your dad's recipe?
439
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:51,280
No.
440
00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:53,240
He never made it properly.
441
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:54,360
This is the real thing.
442
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:55,560
Awesome!
443
00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,480
You never really talk
about your dad.
444
00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:02,960
It's painful for your father.
445
00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:06,200
His Pop was in the Merchant Navy.
446
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,120
He disappeared at sea
13 years ago...
447
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,320
..and hasn't been seen since.
448
00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:15,360
RADIO: It remains unsettled.
449
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:16,920
Well, that's the general weather,
450
00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:20,800
and now with the shipping forecast,
here's Pamela Doove.
451
00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,040
DEMENTED VOICE: There are warnings
of gales in Viking,
452
00:23:23,040 --> 00:23:25,720
North Utsire, South Utsire.
453
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:29,080
And you want to wear a big coat...
DOORBELL RINGS
454
00:23:29,080 --> 00:23:30,760
Who's that at this time of night?
455
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:37,040
If it's Jehovah's, tell them not
to bother. We're beyond saving.
456
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:51,720
You better get this porch light
fixed.
457
00:23:53,360 --> 00:23:56,240
Someone could have a nasty accident.
458
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:58,480
THUNDER ROLLS
459
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:25,960
BELL RINGS SOFTLY
460
00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:47,960
What IS this?
461
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:51,680
These look like...like price tags.
462
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:55,240
Doesn't seem like squatters.
463
00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:02,200
CREAKING
464
00:25:02,200 --> 00:25:03,240
Hello?
465
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:07,360
Yes?
466
00:25:07,360 --> 00:25:08,720
Is someone there?
467
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,680
Can I help you at all?
468
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:14,120
Are you aware this block is due
to be demolished next week?
469
00:25:14,120 --> 00:25:17,040
No! I'm not aware. I'm a woman!
470
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,160
Anyway, you shouldn't be in here -
Monday's half-day closing -
471
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:21,440
didn't you see the sign?
472
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:23,560
All right, Miss, keep calm,
nothing to worry about.
473
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:25,920
This is a local shop
for local people.
474
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:31,600
There's nothing for you here.
475
00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:55,800
All is ready.
476
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:57,080
He will return.
477
00:25:57,080 --> 00:25:59,160
And everything will be tidy again.
478
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:01,880
BOTH: For ever and ever and ever.
479
00:26:06,880 --> 00:26:10,120
HE GROANS AND MUMBLES
480
00:26:11,120 --> 00:26:13,440
Listen, love, it isn't safe
for you to be here -
481
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:14,960
we've condemned this whole block.
482
00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,600
What hole? I didn't block it!
483
00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:19,360
The problem is that your flat...
484
00:26:19,360 --> 00:26:21,000
No, I'm not!
485
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,800
I'm just washing my bra.
486
00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:24,720
You should have been vacated
weeks ago.
487
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:26,480
Have you not had a leaflet
pushed through?
488
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:27,600
Oh, yes!
489
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,000
Er...
490
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,240
Do you mean like this?
491
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:34,200
They are called "pizzas."
492
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:36,360
Did you know you can eat them?
493
00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:37,440
Yes.
494
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:38,880
My favourite is...
495
00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:40,440
meat feast.
496
00:26:40,440 --> 00:26:41,480
All right, look,
497
00:26:41,480 --> 00:26:44,200
there's obviously been a breakdown
of communications somewhere,
498
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:46,400
but we can sort it now.
If I could just leave you this...
499
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,200
Aargh!
TUBBS WHIMPERS
500
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:50,120
All right! It's just a document.
501
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:52,520
Docklament?
502
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:53,560
Document.
503
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:56,000
Ah...
504
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:00,400
Docklament.
505
00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,200
Docklament.
506
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:05,440
Er... Right, I'll...
I'll just leave this here...
507
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:06,480
Edward! Edward!
508
00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,000
Hello, hello? What's going on,
what's all this shouting?
509
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:10,480
We'll have no trouble here.
510
00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,360
They tried to grab my globes!
511
00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:14,080
Lesbians, eh?
512
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:15,760
Pair of clitty-cats.
513
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:19,760
You're thinking even now about using
a broom on my wife's second hole.
514
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:21,160
Try to deny it.
515
00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:23,480
No, sir, I am a representative
of the council.
516
00:27:23,480 --> 00:27:24,640
Local council?
517
00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,080
Yes, and first of all, I must
tell you that you and your wife
518
00:27:27,080 --> 00:27:28,720
have been squatting
on this property.
519
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:30,960
That's because
the toilets are broken.
520
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:32,680
You should be doing something
about that
521
00:27:32,680 --> 00:27:34,520
rather than harassing
innocent citizens.
522
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,440
Secondly, you should not be
running a business
523
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:37,640
from residential premises.
524
00:27:37,640 --> 00:27:39,480
She tried to block my hole!
525
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:41,880
You come in here with
your badges and forms,
526
00:27:41,880 --> 00:27:43,960
telling good local people like us
527
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:46,240
that we can't do this
and we can't do that.
528
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:47,600
Who do you think you are?
529
00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:48,760
You have no power here.
530
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:50,440
All right, fine.
531
00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:52,640
WHISPERS: We'll leave this one
with Social Services.
532
00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:55,760
Would you mind if I got a quick
picture of the pair of you?
533
00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:56,960
I work at the Chronicle.
534
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,680
Certainly. I've always wanted
to feature in the local paper.
535
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:02,680
You heard the woman, Tubbs.
536
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:05,800
Get undressed.
537
00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:08,080
TUBBS GASPS WITH DELIGHT
58631
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