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- What's up, George?
- You'll find out.

Where is he?

The chief is the most
punctual man on earth.

In exactly one and four-fifth
seconds that door will open..

We're ready, sir.

This magazine 'Stop'
was started not by my father

not by my grandfather
but by my great grandmother.

It has been in my family now
for four generations.

I've called this meeting today
to say how pleased I am

with the way all of you
have worked together

put shoulder to shoulder
and succeeded in turning

this venerable family
publication

into the filthy rag it is today.

The results of this achievement
are right there on the chart.

On the editorial page of today's
New York Herald Tribune

there are words of praise
we have never received before.

I quote.

"Stop magazine has degenerated

"into the most disgusting
scandal sheet

the human mind can recall."

Well, that's pretty good.

And Editor & Publisher
calls us vile.

Monstrous, depraved.

Gentlemen, if we continue
to receive tributes like these

this piece of trash of ours
will undoubtedly become

the most influential
publication in the world.

Mr. Sylvester, congratulations.

Your article on Helen Brown,
a masterpiece of slandered

spiteful journalism.

And you, Mr. Holmes.

I've just read the advanced copy

of your new article
on space travel.

"Sex in a capsule."

I don't believe
I'm over praising you one bit

when I say that it brings
the whole difficult field

of science reporting
to a new low.

Thank you, sir.

But if one person is
to be singled out

I'm sure we'd all agree
on who that person should be.

Bob Weston.

Stand up, Bob.

And let me thank you
from the heart

for living down
to my expectations.

If there is a dirtier mind
than yours in the whole field

of magazine publishing

or a nature more
vulgar and corrupt.

Well, ha, ha.
I'd like to know where it is.

- Bob.
- Thank you.

- Keep up the bad work.
- Thank you. Uh..

I'm blessed, truly blessed

to work for a gentleman of your
courage and integrity, sir.

And to have such a fine
editorial staff that

shares the same
lack of ideals that I do.

All I can say is that...you
haven't seen anything yet.

For an example, I've got an idea
for a follow-up on that kid

that, uh, Dr. Helen Brown,
that will blast every other

magazine right
off the newsstands.

It's a personal exposé
right from her own lips.

Does she or doesn't she?
Either way, it's a crummy story.

And I promise
to deliver this one personally.

Three cheers for Bob Weston.

Hip-hip.
Hurray.

Hip-hip.
Hurray.

Hip-hip.
Hurray.

To the chief.

Good morning.
Have you seen this?

I most certainly have.

- We've had what?
- Six cancellations.

"A contemptible,
lamentable hoax.

"Filling frustrated
feminine minds

with dirty delusions
of grandeur."

I don't like this.
I don't like it at all.

Dr. Anderson, I hope you don't
think that I'm happy about it.

This filthy rag
is using sex and me

for no better purpose
than to make money.

The best thing you can do,
Helen, is forget it.

- Listen to your psychiatrist.
- You're not my psychiatrist.

I'm the institute psychiatrist.

And I know that sticks
and stones--

Oh, shut up, Rudy.

'I'm so mad I could throw
sticks and stones.'

I've devoted my life
to this institute

and now look at the notoriety.

Well, I didn't ask them
to write this, you know.

Did you read what
they called me?

"She should be ashamed,
and millions of women should be

"ashamed for bringing their
intimate problems to someone

"with all the knowledge
and personal experience

of a 23-year-old--"

Stop! Don't you say it.

The nerve of them.
The gall.

To call me,
Dr. Helen Gurley Brown.

A 23-year-old virgin.

Traditionally, Helen, the term
is considered a compliment.

Well, not by me. Do you realize
I've lost six patients already?

Because people don't
want to be helped

by a, by a, by a
23-year-old...person.

Oh, I'm just gonna sue them.

I'm gonna sue them. That's
exactly what I'm gonna do.

- 'Helen, please.'
- I'm gonna sue.

Hasn't this bestseller
of yours already

exposed us all
to enough ridicule?

I urged you not to publish it.

Dr. Anderson, my bestseller
is the best thing

that ever happened to this
institute and you know it.

Where is Dr. Offenbach?
Why isn't he here?

Offenbach is at the U.N.
getting money.

Exactly and we're getting
more grants and cooperation

than we ever got before and all
because I wrote that bestseller.

But it has no technical value.

And it will be of no help to
anyone in my field or yours.

Well, I didn't write
the book to help us.

I wrote it to help the unmarried
women in this country.

To stop being ashamed of sex
or being single. And I want

them to stop behaving like mice
and start behaving like men.

Why not like single women, if
they'd nothing to be ashamed of?

What? Oh, shut up, Rudy.

Ever since I wrote
that bestseller..

...all of you have been behaving

like a bunch
of pompous children.

I mean it.

I don't think that any of you
know one single thing

about the real problems
that are facing this country.

And now, if you don't mind,
I have a patient waiting.

Well, gentlemen, we have just
been told off by a 23-year-old..

You know, that comment about
Helen raises some rather

interesting questions
about her...either way.

- Where is Ms. Nielsen?
- She called up and cancelled.

- That magazine article again.
- Ah!

If I could just get my hands
on the arrogant, imbecile

responsible for this.
I'd knock out both his teeth

blacken his eyes and rip out
every hair from his head.

Susan?

- Oh, how are you feeling?
- Fine.

Oh, that's nice.
Have there been any calls?

- No, darling.
- Darling, huh?

You call me darling
again and I'm gonna

send you to the Reader's Digest.

Dr. Helen Brown says that
by being properly aggressive

a girl can land any
man she wants to.

Well, you are not a girl,
you're a secretary.

I am one of 23 million
single girls in this country.

And there are only 19 million
of you eligible bachelors.

Now, what are we surplus girls
supposed to do?

We're healthy and normal
and eager to love and be loved.

Dr. Brown says..

Your problem is
you read too much.

Dr. Brown doesn't know
what she's talking about

when she's talking about
someone like me.

A man with brains and
experience, Dr. Brown.

I'll bet you this kid's been
giving flying lessons

and she's never been
off the ground.

Now get her on the phone.

Yes, darling.

Look under Brown.
B-R-O-W-N.

976-0404.

Who?
One moment please.

Yes.

Mr. Robert Weston
of Stop magazine.

Oh, really?

I'd be delighted
to speak to him.

- Hello.
- 'Dr. Brown.'

This is Robert Weston,
the Managing Editor

of Stop magazine.

I want you to know
that I'm outraged.

Absolutely outraged
by this unwarranted attack

upon you in our current issue.

I have fired the man
who was responsible.

- I am not upset.
- You would have every right.

I was wondering, maybe we could
have dinner one night.

Just the two of us.

And we could talk over this
unfortunate misunderstanding.

- There was no misunderstanding.
- 'Try to undo the damage done"

I have suffered no damage.

I really sincerely would.

And I really sincerely
would not be interested

in the help
of the Managing Editor of Stop.

Or anyone else connected
with that filthy rag

- you call a magazine.
- She called us a filthy rag.

However, there is one thing
that you could do for me.

Anything.

Why don't you go..

What a mouth on that girl.
Uh..

Susan, I may have been wrong.

I'd like to be able
to get to that broad.

I need a plan.

Something that's vicious,
low, filthy and dirty.

Well, you'll think
of something, angel.

Wait till you hear this.

* Mention sex *

* And the single girl
is cool and shy *

* She objects *

* To discussing
sex with any guy *

* You can bet *

* She's as interested as he *

* If sex weren't 50-50 *

* Where would everybody be? *

* Mention sex *

* And the single
girl will blush a lot *

* Though she wrecks *

* Every single guy
with what she's got *

* Then a guy she can't ignore *

* Tells her
what she's waited for *

* And suddenly *

* She's not single anymore *

Very good.
Very good record.

My agent said
if I sell as many copies

as the book I'll be rich.

- Something's burning.
- I know.

My sauce.

Gretchen, you read this book Sex
and the Single Girl?

What do you think
of Helen Gurley Brown?

- Is she on the level?
- I don't know, honey.

I don't think
I ever lived like a single girl.

Oh, I wanna prove that she was
as pure as the driven snow.

Gretchen, let me
ask you something.

If you were as pure
as the driven snow--

Honey, I can't remember
that far back.

But you wouldn't go
to the extreme like some people.

* Mention sex *

* And the single girl
will slap your face *

* That reflex *

* Is designed
to keep you in your place *

- Fabulous.
- Thank you.

* She believes
that virtue pays *

* Until she hears
that magic phrase *

* And suddenly
she's not single *

* Anymore *

Honey, we just can't
go on like this.

I'm sorry, Gretchen,
but he's got no place to go.

I practically have
to live with him.

Practically?

Come on, be a good person.
Come on, go ahead.

'You've been beating drums for
the Salvation Army since 6.00'

'If you knew where I were you'd
be ashamed, Sylvia, ashamed'.

'That's for sure'.

'I'm not gonna stay
in this house one more minute'.

Get going. You're not gonna stay
in this house one more minute.

That's the first thing we've
agreed on in ten long years.

Take your stockings with you.

You're facing bankruptcy.
Poverty staring me in the face.

- The competition's killing me.
- Good. Saves me the trouble.

I began calling you this afternoon.

I was with my manager
I'm coming out with a new line.

It's about time. I'm getting
sick of your old one.

I'm finished.
Ten years, ten long years.

Of loyalty, devotion, hard work.
It's over, Bob.

Sylvia and I are through.

Oh, come on.

It's your anniversary and I've
made all the arrangements.

- That's over too.
- It better not be.

I spent over
three hours picking out

a dress for
our wedding anniversary.

You better be here at
eight o'clock to pick me up.

Or I'll bleed you for alimony
so big you'll scream.

- Hello, Bob.
- Sylvia.

May I have
my sample case, please?

How do you expect me
to fight the competition

- without my samples?
- Do you think I want them?

I wouldn't be seen naked
in junk like that.

Junk?

Junk?

Gretchen, feel this, will you?
I'm not asking for praise.

But is there anywhere
in the world

you could find a better stocking
than this for the price?

- What's the price?
- I don't remember.

I'm sorry.
Am I interrupting anything?

Oh, no. I was just
collecting for the Red Cross.

Gretchen, please take a cab
and I'll call you

in the morning.
I'm awful sorry.

- Frank.
- I already gave.

- Bob.
- Frank.

I'm miserable,
I might as well admit it.

What do you call it when you
hate the woman you love?

A wife.

It's all very well
for you to joke.

My marriage is coming
to an end after almost 10 years.

I don't think I'll ever smile
again as long as I live.

Oh, Frank, don't take it
so bad, you'll see--

Hey, this is pretty funny.
Look. Ha ha ha.

That's not funny, that's filth.

You know, of all our competitors

Dirt magazine is the...
I'm sorry.

I'll bet you, by tomorrow
you and Sylvia will be

the best of pals again.

- Not this time.
- You watch, believe me.

Even if we are,
we'll just start fighting again.

We just never seem
to learn to get along.

'And Lord knows I've tried'.

'I know you have, Frank'.

'You're one
of the nicest, sweetest'

most attractive guys I know'.

Gretchen.

You know, I wish
you'd try a little bit harder.

Because these fights
of yours are making

it awful tough for
Gretchen and me.

Hey, I got it.
Why don't you try

a marriage counselor
or one of those psychiatrists?

Me? Sylvia's the one
that should go.

She's the one
who's insanely jealous.

Jealous? Me? Of a skinny
middle-aged phony like you.

I'll cut your throat.
I'll poison your mouthwash.

Sylvia.
Bob, you know me.

In 10 years of marriage have
I ever looked at another girl?

Oh sure,
I've looked at their legs

but that's because
it's my business.

But Sylvia won't believe me.
Sure, she needs help.

But she won't go for it.

- Why don't you go instead?
- Me?

Bob, you think
you got competition?

You don't know the stocking
business. It's cutthroat.

Why, they're slicing
me up like salami.

Would you believe it?
Sam Butterworth, my ex-partner

is coming out with a stocking
I've been thinking

about for 15 years.

Sure, I'd see anybody I'd do
anything to save my marriage

but I just can't take the time.

Frank, I've got the time
and I've got an idea

that's gonna save
the both of us.

- So let's drink a toast.
- To what?

To your marriage
and my magazine. Come on.

Please.

- Um, B-R-O-D?
- E-R-l-C.

Frank Broderick.

- Frank Broderick, fine.
- That's it.

- And your occupation?
- I manufacture ladies' hosiery.

And um...what seems
to be the problem?

My wife.

She thinks I'm a, uh, Don Juan.

We have a psychiatrist here
who specializes in men

with a Don Juan complex.

He's treating one case now
who's very rare.

- You would be his second.
- You don't understand, doctor.

My wife is wrong.
I don't chase after girls.

- You don't?
- No.

Well, that's even more rare.
Why don't you?

I don't have the time.
The competition is killing me.

They're slicing me
up like a salami.

Doctor, you don't know
what the ladies' hosiery

business is like, cutthroat.

In the 10 years
that I've been married

I haven't had time
to look at another girl.

But do you think
my wife believes me?

Oh, no. She says
I'm out all the time.

Mr. Broderick, when did
all of this jealousy start?

On our honeymoon. Even
before our honeymoon, I guess.

She knows I used to play around
a lot before we were married.

How does she know?

She's the one I used
to play around with.

Now she thinks every girl in
nylon is after me or vice versa.

Well, you're a very
good-looking man, Mr. Broderick.

You're a very beautiful girl,
Dr. Brown.

Thank you.

Um, there was a purpose
to my observation.

Please...tell me, what happened
on the honeymoon?

Well, we..

I mean, to make her jealous.

Of course.
To make her jealous, of course.

I picked Sylvia up
in my arms, you know

just like in the movies, and I
carried her to the bridal suite.

Just then a girl
came walking by.

Wearing the new
Grecian Mist, 60-gauge

15-denier nylons put out by my
ex-partner Sam Butterworth.

Yes? And then what happened?

I rapped Sylvia's head
right into the door.

Maybe that's why
she's a little nuts now.

Mr. Broderick, is there
any basis in reality

for your wife's suspicions?

Absolutely not.

It's very hard to believe that
such unreasonable jealousy--

Now you're talking
just like a woman.

She's jealous
so you think she's gotta have

something to be
jealous about. Right?

- I didn't say that.
- That's exactly what you said.

I didn't mean it.
I meant when

a woman lives with a man,
she finds it easier--

Have you ever lived with a man?
Have you ever been married?

Well, no I've never
been married.

Have you ever had
any experiences with men?

I've had a good deal
of experiences.

I've had a great deal
of experiences.

Personal experiences, doctor?

You're beginning to sound
just like Stop magazine.

Please, Mr. Broderick,
I must ask you to please allow

me to ask the questions
in this session.

Oh, what a sweet, nice
and very young picture of you.

I can't help feeling
that you've got a lot to learn.

Mr. Broderick.

- I have a Ph.D. in psychology.
- Yes.

I also have over a year's work
here at this institute.

If my qualifications
don't impress you--

Oh, but they do.

There will be absolutely
no charge for this consultation.

Doctor, believe me. Uh, Now, you
relax and don't feel so bad.

They do, they really do.

After my wife read your book,
you're the only one

she might listen to.

You mean, even after
the article in that filthy rag?

It really is a filthy rag,
isn't it?

Um. She wrote
this magazine a letter

calling them names
she wouldn't even dare call me.

- Did she really?
- Oh, yeah, terrible letter.

I think I'm beginning
to like Sylvia.

I love her.
But she'd hit the ceiling

if she thought you and me
were sitting here alone.

You know what she'd figure?
She'd figure a broad

as pretty as you
has got to be on the make.

- Mr. Broderick.
- Please, doctor.

Don't misunderstand me.
When I talk about you

or any other girl
it's only as a customer.

You see, I make ladies'
stockings and that's all I care

about is business. When I look
at a woman's legs..

- May I see your legs, please?
- Hmm.

When I look at a woman's legs..

- 'They're beautiful.'
-' Thank you.'

When I look at a woman's legs,
I look at them because I have to

not because
I particularly want to.

I mean, what good is a casing
without the sausage inside?

The competition is killing me.
It's just murdering me, doctor.

They're hanging me.
They're hanging me.

- Please be calm.
- Well.

Why didn't your wife
come with you?

Why?
Well, I'll tell you why.

She doesn't think she's jealous.
You know what she thinks?

She thinks she's smart.

And besides, she's the last
person in the world

that will admit that ours
is perhaps not the most

beautiful marriage in the world.
Do you understand?

Mr. Broderick,
I'm afraid I can't help you.

I'm a psychologist, not a
marriage--

Doctor, you have to. I mean, you
help all the single girls.

But who's gonna take care
of us married men?

Actually, at the moment,
Mr. Broderick

I am working on the married man.

Oh, you are?

But, you see, you're not the one
with the problem. Your wife is.

Oh, Sylvia's got the pro..
I don't.

Well, I guess I better tell you.

I didn't wanna tell you,
but I'm just gonna have to.

- I have a problem.
- Really?

Yes, and, uh, it's a very
embarrassing problem.

I've been a little too timid
and shy to tell you about it.

Really? And, um,
what is the problem?

Well, when Sylvia hollers on me,
I get full of indecision

and, uh, there's a great deal
of repressed hostility in me

and I consequently get,
uh, anxious.

And when I'm anxious,
I get scared.

And, uh, because I'm scared..

...I get inadequate.

And, uh, because I'm inadequate,
she thinks I'm with other women.

Oh.

She doesn't think that
I'm inadequate.

She just thinks I'm tired.

Oh.

Well, of course, Mr. Broderick,
that changes things.

I think I can be
of help to you now.

Oh, I hope so,
because I have no place to turn.

- I might even commit suicide.
- Oh, nonsense, Mr. Broderick.

At least not until
I've finished talking to you.

Oh, in time,
I will have to meet with Sylvia.

Yeah.

We don't have
to worry about that now.

Hilda, please make
an appointment for Mr. Broderick

for next week?
Thank you.

Don't worry, Mr. Broderick.

I'm sure everything will turn
out just the way you want it to.

I didn't think so
when I came in.

But uh, I'm beginning
to believe it now.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

* Oh, how we danced *

* On the night *

* We were wed *

* We vowed our true love *

* Though a word wasn't said *

* The world was in bloom *

* There were stars
in the skies *

* Except for the few *

* That were there in your eyes *

* Dear, as I held you
so close in my arms *

* Angels were singing
a hymn to your charms *

* Two hearts gently beating
were murmuring low *

* My darling, I love you so. *

* The night seemed to fade *

* Into blossoming dawn *

* The sun shone anew *

* But the dance lingered on *

* Could we but relive *

* That sweet moment sublime *

* We'd find that our love *

* Is unaltered by time *

* Oh, how we danced
on the night we were wed! *

* We vowed our true love,
though a word wasn't said *

* The world was in bloom,
there were stars in the skies *

* Except for the few
that were there in your eyes *

* My darling My darling *

* I love you so *

Congratulations, both of you.

- Sylvia, look.
- Gretchen, you were marvelous.

Oh, look at that cake.

Isn't it beautiful?

'Frank, I've been simply
terrible to you, haven't I?'

Oh, no.
Sylvia, don't.

Yes, I have.
Don't disagree with me.

Don't talk like that.
You haven't been terrible.

'Darling, give me a coin
for the ladies room'.

- 'My mascara's running'.
- Here you are, angel.

- Thank you.
- Hurry back.

I will.

Everything is gonna be wonderful
from now on. I know it.

Sylvia's gonna be kind,
loving and sweet to me.

And me, I'm gonna forget
all about Sam Butterworth.

The competition. I'm never gonna
look at a pair of legs again

unless, you know, it's
strictly..

- I'll be right back.
- Sure.

Anniversaries always leave me
with a strange kind of longing.

- For marriage?
- Oh, no, honey.

I wouldn't give up my career
for marriage, kids, happiness.

Good girl, good girl.

Excuse me, are you wearing
a new imported micro-mesh knit

with the double crossbar stitch?

Oh, no, on your legs.
I'm in the hosiery business.

I don't know.
I just bought them this morning.

- Only 89 cents.
- Eighty-nine cents?

I always paid three dollars
for the other kind

and these are just as good.

The other kind are my kind.
How can I compete with 89 cents?

Where did you get them?

See, I bought them in that
little shop at Sixth & Grand.

Sixth & Grand.
Oh, yeah, that's way down.

You wouldn't know
the zone numb..

'I can't watch"

It-It's alright,
Sylvia's smiling.

I'm glad you understand. It's
not her address I'm writing.

- It's the name--
- You want this bum, dear?

No. I have a bum of my own.

Well, then, leave him here
for the garbage man. Bye, dear.

Oh, Sylvia. Look, Bob,
it's the name of the shop.

'Dr. Brown, it's only the
address of a stocking store.'

- And Sylvia wouldn't even look.
- Oh.

I tell you, between Sylvia and
the competition, I'm so tired.

- I don't what--
- Lie down on the couch.

- Will that be alright?
- Of course, it would.

- Thank you, doctor.
- All right.

Have you seen her since?

Oh, yes, I went back that night
to apologize and explain.

Do you mind sitting closer? I
can't see you over my shoulder.

- Of course.
- That's better.

Did she throw you out again?

No. Never throws me
out two nights in a row.

- She doesn't trust me.
- Oh.

Well, that shows she cares.

- Were you able to, um--
- Inadequate.

Aw.

- I was uh...bashful.
- Aw.

Oh, doctor, uh.

Oh, no, no, no.
Don't be frightened.

Are you really
so bashful with her?

- I'm even bashful with you.
- Well, there's no need to be.

See? We're holding hands
and nothing is happening.

Something is happening.

You're gaining confidence.
That's what's happening.

I'm gaining confidence
and that's what's happening.

Good, Mr. Broderick.
Good.

Uh, I'm only bashful
with girls I find attractive.

Like, uh, Sylvia...and you.

Me?
Are you attracted to me?

Oh, yes, Dr. Brown.
I am, I am, I am.

- Well, that's marvelous.
- Oh, it is?

- Oh, yes, of course, it is.
- Well, then, you're not mad?

- Mad?
- Uh-huh.

No, mad.
Why should I be mad?

- I'm very pleased.
- Oh, good.

At the way our doctor-patient
relationship is progressing.

- Oh, how nice.
- Yes.

You must realize,
of course that this is

simply a transference.

You worship me
not because I'mattractive

but because to your subconscious
mind, I have become--

- Sylvia.
- No, no, no, not Sylvia.

To you, I have become
a father figure.

- A father figure.
- That's right.

- But not a mother figure?
- Oh, no.

- No, a father figure.
- Father figure.

And if you think I'm pretty..

I do. A lot prettier
than my father.

That's onlybecause..

Do you really think I'm pretty?

Doctor, I think
you're very, very pretty.

In fact, you're beautiful.

Uh...

In fact, remember when I was
holding your hands before

I-I wanted to say something, but
I lacked the, uh, confidence.

Well, say it, Mr. Broderick.
Speak right out.

It will make you feel good.

It's dirty.

Good, that will
make you feel even better.

Okay.

Well, you know in your book,
Dr. Brown

where you write
about single girls

ought to get together
with married men for a while?

Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.

Well, I'm a married man
and you're a singlegirl

and I thought
that maybe you and me..

I told you
it was gonna be dirty.

Oh.

You're sweet, Mr. Broderick.

And I might even consider
your nice dirty proposal

if I didn't know that in making
it, you are really after--

My father.

No, no, no, not your father.
Sylvia.

You see, you're displaying
the boldness with me

that you wish to display with
her, and you can't.

You see?
Doesn't that make sense?

That's fabulous, doctor.
What a terrific diagnosis.

- Thank you.
- It's very good.

But suppose Sylvia didn't exist?

- But there is a Sylvia.
- Yeah, but--

You're beginning to interview me
again, Mr. Broderick.

And just when I've discovered
how to help you.

I'd like to call you Frank,
if you don't mind.

- Not at all.
- So we can be more intimate.

- Much more intimate, yes.
- And you can call me Helen.

- Helen.
- Now, Mr. Broderick.

- Uh, Frank.
- Yes.

The cause of your problem
is your wife's problem.

And the way to treat
you is to treat her.

Doesn't that make sense?

It makes a great deal
of sense, Helen.

A great deal of sense.

But, suppose Sylvia
doesn't want to cooperate?

Then we'll have to treat her
without telling her, you see.

- Oh, yeah.
- Now..

Sylvia was very active before
you were married.

- Wasn't she?
- I'll say. Boy, oh, boy, you--

'Oh, no, no, no. I meant, um..'

What does she do
all day long now?

Oh, I see.
Well, she paints.

- Paints.
- Her toenails.

That's all she does.
She stays home all day long

and paints her toenails.

- I think that's the trouble.
- Exactly, this is the trouble.

- That is the trouble, isn't it?
- Yes.

Now, suppose that
you ask her to go work

for you back at your office
where she will feel very needed.

And she will also see how hard
you are working for her.

That's a great idea, Doctor.

But that's it,
that's a fantastic idea.

I'm gonna tell her tonight.

- Thank you.
- Doctor, it's a brilliant idea.

I'll be able to cut the payroll,
so I can fight the competition.

- Oh Doctor, thank you.
- I think it's a good idea too.

It's a fabulous idea, thank you.

- Lemme know what she says.
- Yes, I will.

In fact, you can call me
at home if you want to.

I will.

Oh, uh..

- Sorry.
- Uh-huh.

- Helen.
- Frank.

Bob, my boy.

There's an ugly rumor
going around..

...that you're getting soft.

Me? Getting soft?
Oh, that's a disgusting lie.

The magazine
seems to be getting better.

There's been nothing terrible
in the last two issues.

That's not true, George.

The last two issues have been
as lousy as they've ever been.

It's just that the competition
seems to be catching up.

- That's what I mean.
- Oh.

We've gotta keep getting worse
in order to stay ahead.

How are you doing
with the new Dr. Brown story?

Oh, fine, fine.

I've already had two sessions
with her as a patient.

- Uh-huh.
- Mmm-hmm.

Well, you know, the chief
wants that story for next month.

Well..

...I'm going to need
more time than that.

For what?

Make your grab for her.

Let her tell you
she's not that kind of a girl.

We can run that story now
and let her sue

to prove that she is
that kind of a girl.

I'm after more,
George, much more.

On this one...I want
a Pulitzer Prize.

What have you got
on Dr. Brown, now?

I had a very good session
with her this morning, George.

Very good.

She thinks
that she's my father, you see.

And she wants to help my wife.

- I tell you--
- She what?

It's..

What?

- Bob.
- Yeah?

You're not even married,
are you?

No, why?
What's that got to do with it?

- Why, this dame's crazy.
- What're you talking about?

She thinks she's your father?

Oh, yeah. I guess that does
sound a little strange.

I mean, the fact
that she thinks she's my father.

But I tell you,
coming from Helen, it seems--

- Helen?
- Yeah.

We're on
a first name basis, now.

She said some very profound
things this morning, George.

- Very profound.
- Bob, you are getting soft.

Shh.

Bob.

You wouldn't let the truth

stand in the way
of a good story, would ya?

George, you don't have to tell
me anything about ethics.

I'll get it.

Incidentally, I've got good
news for you, from Dr. Brown.

- Oh, really?
- Mmm-hmm.

She said Sylvia
should go back to work.

- What's so good about that?
- That way she'll keep busy

and it will
make her feel needed.

I'm not so sure about that.

You gotta remember,
that way she'll be..

...with you all day long.

And she'll be
able to see for herself

that you're not
fooling around with any other..

...chicks.

Maybe. Maybe.

Suppose she starts
talking to me at the office

the way she sometimes
talks to me at home?

I'd lose the respect
of the entire industry.

'Nah, she wouldn't do that.'

So you see Frank, the whole
point is to make Sylvia happy.

Then you'll be happy.

Then Gretchen
and I can be happy.

Hey, how's that for distance?

You know, Bob, it's a good idea.

Besides, it'd help me
cut the payroll.

How's that for distance?

'Work? Keep busy?'

Honey, can't you
find another apartment?

'What'd you think I do? Sit
around, paint my toenails?'

'Sylvia, keep your voice down!'

'You're not ordering
me around, buster!'

Of all the stupid,
idiotic, mortifying, moronic..

- Are you out of your head?
- Okay.

You think I married you
so I'd keep on working for you?

Okay, okay.

You asking me to go back
to the lousy life

I had 10 years ago,
before I began this lousy life?

- Okay okay!
- Lower your voice. I'm a lady.

I thought you'd want
to pitch in with me.

Hammer and tong, tooth and nail.

I thought
you'd want to feel needed.

Needed? Needed?
Buster, you need me.

You couldn't live without me

because I'll take
every penny you own, when I go.

And I will, if you ever come up

with another
cheap idea like that.

That won't be necessary,
Sylvia. I'm going.

So, go.

And this time,
I'm really going far.

- Go far.
- Taking all my samples with me.

I thought you'd want to get in
there and fight the competition.

I thought you'd wanna see
how they're strangling me

with cheap imported fabrics.

One day, you're going to realize
what a good, kind, loyal--

Shut up and get out.

Some great idea of yours.
Did you hear her?

Hear how ungrateful she was?

Ungrateful? Me ungrateful?

- Yes, you!
- Don't kid me, buster.

All you want to do
is cut your payroll.

- Bob.
- 'Frank.'

I'm miserable.

This time, I know
it's really over for good.

Hello, Gretchen.

One day, she's gonna
wake up and realize

what a...good, loyal man
I've been all these years.

Holy mackerel!
I could kill myself

and be better off than I am now.

- That's a great idea!
- 'What?'

- To kill yourself.
- Who, me?

- 'Yeah.'
- Why?

I-I've got a marvelous job
and a lovely wife.

You're right.
So I'm gonna do it for you.

Gretchen, come on, I'm gonna
drop you home.

- Where are you going?
- To kill myself.

Oh!

- Rudy, what are you doing?
- We call it play therapy.

According to your book it's
supposed to make you feel good.

Rudy, that book is a research
study, not an autobiography.

Which is exactly
why you aren't solving

your own problems
as a single girl.

I've solved all my problems.

I've got this new apartment
and enough money for furs

and diamonds and everything
else I've always wanted.

I get fan mail, Rudy.
Packs of fan mail every week.

- I'm not ashamed of any of it.
- But you aren't married.

Married? I don't
wanna be married.

I've got work
I care about much more.

That's why
I became a psychologist.

Why did you
become a psychiatrist?

Because I like
to hear dirty stories.

And I'm hearing plenty
from that patient of mine.

Helen, he's driving me wild.
I don't know whether it's him

or that magazine article
about you, but--

Rudy, stop.
It's that magazine article.

Before it was published, you
never thought of me as a girl.

That's right, I didn't.
Merely as a colleague.

And now, all you
wanna do is bite me.

That's right, I do.

Helen, I must know.
Ever since that magazine

raised the question
of whether you were or weren't..

- Why must you know?
- Why? All of us want to know.

Offenbach's taking bets.

If you aren't, this elegant
and very expensive evening

I've arranged for you, will
all be such a waste of time.

But if you are..

- You'd marry me?
- Maybe.

But only if I were sure.

Rudy, stop it!

Oh, you're such a prude.

'I'm simply appalled
at the double standard'

'you men keep trying
to impose on us women.'

Well, I, for one, am simply
not going to submit..

Are you parting
your hair differently?

No, this.

'The beard!'

Well, anyway,
when I do get married

it's not gonna be
for love or sex or romance.

I can get all of those things
outside of marriage

just as easily as you can.

Me? I'm having a terrible time.

And I shall insist on the right

to have as many
love affairs as I please.

I'm certainly not going
to sacrifice one iota

of my freedom
or dignity for any man.

- Hello?
- Dr. Brown?

This is Frank Broderick
and I'm gonna kill myself.

What? You-u-u what?
Mr. Broderick, no!

Why would you
wanna kill yourself?

'Because of you.'

'If I can't have you,
life isn't worth living.'

Oh, no, Mr. Broderick, not me.
It's Sylvia that you need.

It's you. I've got Sylvia and
life still isn't worth living.

Where are you?

I'm at the pier.
I'm gonna jump in and drown.

No, Mr. Broderick, please!
Not until I get there. Wait!

Alright, Dr. Brown. I'll try
to hold on until you get here.

But hurry.

Good night, Rudy.

Give me a cigarette.

- Beat it.
- Be nice to me, I'm a bum.

Thinking of jumping?

- What size shoe do you wear?
- Nine and a half, C.

My size.
Would you mind jumping barefoot?

Wait a minute, huh.
Come here.

- Take off your coat.
- Huh?

Take off your coat.
Let me have it, come on.

Here, put this on.

Now, if by chance,
I wind up in the water will you

- throw me one of those?
- 'Yeah.'

'You can keep the coat.'

- You mind staying out of sight?
- Yeah.

Thanks a lot.
Looks terrific on you.

Wait, I may need help.
Mr. Broderick! Mr. Broderick!

'Dr. Brown.'

- Helen, I'm here.
- Mr. Broderick!

- Stop! Don't jump!
- I've got to.

- Don't jump!
- I've got to.

Mr. Broderick! Don't jump!

Mr. Broderick! Oh! Oh!
I'm so glad I got here.

- Yeah, so am I.
- I was terrified.

I didn't know what to do.
I thought I'd go out of my mind.

All those red lights.
Everywhere we looked!

Do you know, on the corner

of Adams Avenue and 18th Avenue
they have a signal

that lasts over three minutes?

- It's the new building.
- I'm glad you're alright.

I was afraid
I wouldn't get here in time.

If anything happened to you,
I would blame myself.

- You don't have to.
- I would, I'd blame myself.

- It'd be my fault.
- It's not your--

I'd kill myself!
I'd kill myself!

- No!
- Let me go. Please.

- No, Helen.
- Please let me go.

Helen, everything's fine, Helen.

- It is?
- Everything is just fine.

Now, just calm down.
Yeah, yeah.

- Are you alright?
- Oh, I'm fine.

- You're not gonna jump?
- No, not at all.

- I'm so glad.
- No, no.

I'm so glad. Oh, Mr. Broderick.

Please, we mustn't.

Mr. Broderick!
No, please, don't!

- Can you swim?
- A little.

'Help! Help!'

'Help me help him!'

- Hang on to him.
- Okay.

Okay, miss. I have you.

Hey, mister.

Wa-wait a minute.

What about the shoes?
I'm only a poor bum.

Where to, lady?

Oh! Uh, Mr. Broderick,
what's your address?

We'll just
have to go to my place.

I'll give you the directions.

I, uh, hope
that robe is all right.

It...belongs to my mother.

It's fine.

I'm sure these things
will dry in just a minute.

Does your, uh, mother
live here with you?

Oh, no. Mother is
in Evanston, Illinois.

Evanston, Illinois, my goodness.

- Here you are.
- No, thank you. I don't drink.

It's a dry martini.
It will help dry you out--

No, I have a metabolism thing.

- Metabolism?
- And I-I get drunk very easily.

I see.
I was reading a medical journal

where it says,
if you take a drink

and take it down in one gulp,
it bypasses the metabolism.

- Really?
- Yes, here.

- I'll show you what I mean.
- That's strange.

Yeah.

You see what I mean?
I man, no effect at all.

- You mean, you just..
- Just drink it down fast.

- So this is medically...proven?
- Medically proven, yes.

- By six out of five doctors..
- Well, if that's the case.

Bottoms up.

- I see what you mean.
- See?

- Yes.
- I knew you would.

Good, I'll get the rest.

I hope you don't
feel odd or anything

because you're
wearing a woman's robe.

Oh, no, not at all.

In fact, I was thinking
I look just like, um..

...Jack Lemmon did
in that movie

where he dressed up
like a girl, remember?

Oh, yes.

Oh, is your head alright?

Uh, it'll be alright in a
minute. I..

It's, uh..It's the lights.
They're so bright. Oh!

Oh, well, put the light out.

'Come here. Sit down.'

Come on.

'Come on.'

Now, Mr. Broderick, I know

that we can both be adult
and not childish.

I mean, I hope you don't feel
uncomfortable or anything

because we're both sitting here
with just these thin robes on

and no clothes underneath.

I didn't even notice it.

It's awfully warm in here,
isn't it? Do you feel--

It's bright, very bright.
The lights are bright.

Oh! I'll turn
this light out, then.

The darkness will
help us both to relax.

- Is there any more of this?
- Are you kidding?

There you are...Helen.

Thank you.

Helen, remember the sipping,
your metabolism.

- Oh, yes yes.
- Bottoms up. There you go.

Little more.
That's it. Keep going.

- There!
- Hmm.

- Now, Mr. Broderick.
- Uh-huh.

- Uh, Frank. Frank.
- Right.

Wasn't that a
naughty thing you did

tryin' to kill
yourself that way?

Just to attract
Sylvia's attention.

Oh, I didn't do it
to attract Sylvia's attention.

I did it
to...attract your attention.

But I am Sylvia to you.
Don't you see?

And I really must speak to her
and tell her about this.

Well, I wish you wouldn't.

Do you know why, doctor?
She'll holler on me.

Exactly, and when you phoned me,

you knew
that I wouldn't holler on you.

But then,
then to actually jump in.

Doctor, forgive me,
but I didn't jump in.

You remember we were
standing in each other's arms

and you pushed me in?

Oh, yes, I remember.

Yes, I pushed you in because
you were forgetting yourself.

Doctor, I'm sorry again,
but you pushed me in

because you
were forgetting yourself.

Well, perhaps in the excitement,
I may have, um..

You know, when you smile like
that you look like Jack Lemmon.

Well, that's a wonderful
compliment. Thank you very much.

You know, Sylvia never
says nice things to me.

Maybe that's why
I don't have the confidence.

Well, I'm gonna
give you the confidence.

Mr. Broderick, I am gonna
teach you how to woo the woman

you've been married
to for 10 years

and make her respond to you.

Let me just turn this light out.

Darkness will always help you
succeed in making love to me.

- I mean, to Sylvia. Sylvia.
- Sylvia. Sylvia.

Now, you don't even know
Sylvia anymore, do you?

Sylvia who?

When you walk in, you don't
know if she's gonna embrace you

or holler on you, right?

I really don't know.

So I'm gonna give you some tips
on how you can control her.

Oh, very good.

Now, one of the many ways
to control a woman

is through the power of touch.

- Mmm.
- Give me your hand.

Holding a woman's
or a man's hand

in a gentle,
yet firm and caressing way

says many, many things.

Mmm. I can hear them now.

Also, there are certain
erogenous areas of the body.

The back and sides
of the neck, for example.

Do not get discouraged
if you get no response from me.

- My neck is a dead area.
- Yeah.

However, it's very much alive
in over 90% of all women.

I've made a statistical study.

You make many statistical
studies, don't you, doctor?

Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Yes, I do.

Oh, yes. Kissing the ear
is very helpful, too.

Oh, yes. I made up
my mind very early

that I was gonna
learn all I could

about love and marriage
before I made my mistakes.

Now switch over
to the other ear.

By this time, in most cases,
that other ear

will just be
begging for attention.

No, sir, I'm not
going to gamble with my life.

Particularly when
it comes to men.

Mm-hm.

But gambling
can be part of the fun.

I mean, don't you ever go
and experiment on your own?

I mean, as a woman, or aren't
you that kind of a girl?

- What kind of a girl?
- That kind of a girl.

What kind of a girl?

Um, the kind of a girl
that is that kind of a girl.

Mr. Broderick, why is it

that every time
I begin interviewing you

you wind up interviewing me?

I, you're absolutely right.

Now..

...about my problem,
uh, where were we?

Mr. Broderick, bear in mind

that it's not me
you're touching, but Sylvia.

Sylvia, yes.

Now, get close to me
and begin caressing me.

And if I don't respond..

If I don't respond, it's
because I have this dead area..

...and I never feel..

Oh, it's awfully warm in here,
isn't it, Mr. Broderick?

No, it's very bright.

Bright? All the lights are out.

Oh, yes. That's good,
very good, Mr. Broderick.

You're doing fine,
just doing fine.

You're very beautiful, Helen.

No, not me.

It's Sylvia.

No, you're very beautiful.

No, I..

Am I?

Really beautiful.

Am I really beautiful?

Beautiful.

And you really think
that some day..

...that maybe some man..

I mean, a man like you..

...really will fall
in love with me?

I am in love with you.

Go away.

- Helen, I..
- Go away.

I meant it, Helen.
I-I love you.

Well, I mean it too.
That's why I want you to leave.

Mr. Broderick, I want you
to leave this apartment.

And I don't ever want you
to come back here again.

- Hello, operator?
- 'Yes?'

May I please have the area code
for direct dialing

to Evanston, Illinois?

Hello, Mother?

It's Helen.

I'm in trouble.

Oh, no, it isn't that.
It's worse.

I'm in love with a married man.

Excuse me,
but would you call me a cab?

- Sure thing, Mr. Lemmon.
- What?

Oh, Mrs. Broderick?

Yeah, what is it?

I'm Dr. Brown
and I've come to discuss

your marriage and your sex life.

What?

Frank has been coming to see me.

Are you one of them?

I am a psychologist,
Mrs. Broderick.

And your husband
has been talking to me

about your marriage.

Come on in, kid.
We'll have some coffee.

'I'm afraid there's
been some mistake, kid.'

'There are no problems
in my marriage.'

- 'But you do quarrel?
- 'Never.'

'Mrs. Broderick, why would
Frank tell me these things?'

I intend to find that out,
the minute he comes in.

Mrs. Broderick.

Do you really love your husband?

Oh, I do!

Then you must
do something quickly

to restore his self confidence.

He's asked you to return
to work for him, hasn't he?

Oh, yes. And I told him,
I'd give the matter

my most serious consideration.

Then do it, please.

It'd mean so much to him to
have you right there beside him

when he's fighting off
people like Sam Butterworth.

You mean, it's not
just to cut the payroll?

Oh, no.

He wants you with him
because he loves you

and wants to save his marriage.

Believe me, I know.

Well...in that case, I'll go
down to the office today.

Oh, thank you,
Mrs. Broderick.

Thank you.

Well, I must be running off.

I do have my patients.

Uh..

Hey tell me, kid.

Why are you doing all this?

Why?

Because I want to help Frank
and I want to help you.

Because my mother told me to.

Glynis, where's Mr. Broderick?

Mr. Broderick's in the back.

Frank, the factory is idle.

The machines
are just lying there.

Don't we have
any orders coming in?

You know how much
this is gonna cost, if we--

Frank, good news. I got
an order for 6000 dozen.

You have to produce
'em immediately.

Immediately.
That's impossible.

You expect me to start
the factory just for you?

You told me
the factory was idle.

He don't have to know that.

Won't you two
please talk to each other?

You're strangling me with
synthetic fibers from Japan.

I wanted those legs large.

Large, so all the visitors
will think we're large.

Doesn't anybody understand?

Mr. Broderick,
the display's ready.

Good.

Good good good.

Francis, move a little
to the right there.

Amy, step back just a little.

Janette, you've been surfing
again. Look at those knees.

One day you're gonna
have to decide between..

Sylvia!

Sylvia, darling,
you changed your mind.

Oh, I'm so happy.
Girls look!

It's my wife, she used to work
here. She married the boss.

See, if you're nice to me,
maybe you can marry me.

I was kidding.

I'm taking you out
to the most beautiful lunch

you've ever had in your life.

Girls, you can take
the day off, with pay.

No no, make it an hour
and you better be on time.

You look so beautiful!
Ah, we both look so happy.

From now on, we're gonna have

the most beautiful marriage,
the most beautiful..

Baby get the elevator,
I gotta make one phone call.

I'll be right with you.

Yeah, I know
what you're thinking.

You don't fool me.

Mmm-hmm.

You're thinking I'm-I'm falling
for this Helen Brown dame.

Right, eh?

And when the time comes
for me to hand in the story

well, I-I'm not gonna
go through with it, uh?

Well, you're wrong!

I'm still the dirtiest louse
in the publishing business!

Take a look at this expose
I'm doing on Santa Claus.

Why, there isn't
an editor in the country

who would dare
to be that despicable.

Oh, that's highbrow stuff.

You've got enough material
on Helen Brown, now.

She thinks, she's
your father, doesn't she?

And you are letting
my whole family down.

Chief, I'm after something big.

Something with real
social significance.

The time to run
that story is right now.

All you're doing,
is wasting time.

Wasting time..

Alright, I'm gonna tell you
something I didn't want to.

You know where I was last night?

In her apartment.

And you know what we were doing?

We were sitting around
with robes

with nothing on, underneath.

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
- Hm-mm.

Mmm, what happened?

- Well, she started to cry.
- That's great!

Marvelous, sir.

I'll tell you, Weston,
you're right.

This is a story
with social significance.

Well, that's why I wanna
follow through with it.

I need one week.

You've got it.

That's all you've got.

That's all I need.

And in one week..

...I'll prove to you, amateurs,
I've earned my reputation.

And prove that every single,
filthy, dirty lie

that you've ever
heard about me..

...is true.

Any messages, Hilda?

- No, doctor Brown.
- Oh, good.

Dr. Brown,
would you mind autographing

just a few more copies,
for my nieces in Wilmington?

Yes, Hilda, before I leave.

Rudy, I think,
I'm falling in love.

You do?

Well, I must say,
there was a certain

inevitability about it.

Once I set my mind
to something..

Oh, no, Rudy, not with you.

Oh, I wish it were.

It's with a patient.

Oh, in that case,
it isn't serious.

There's always a phase
in which the therapist

falls in love with the patient.

No, Rudy,
it's the other way around.

Oh? Whichever way it is.

The important thing is
to face the situation squarely

and recognize that this man
you think you're in love with

is no more to you
than a mother's substitute.

- A mother's substitute?
- Yes, of course.

Oh, shut up, Rudy.

Yes, Hilda.

Dr. Brown,
Mr. Broderick is on the phone.

Oh.

Hello, mother? Uh, hello?

Helen, I must see you.
Have lunch with me.

Mr. Broderick, I will not
have lunch with you.

Why, aren't you hungry?

- Is that the man?
- Yes.

Have lunch with him, Helen.
Listen to Rudy.

This is only a phase.

You're what?

'I'll kill myself!'

'I'll come to your office
and I'll kill myself.'

Mr. Broderick,
there is absolutely nothing

you could say or do
that would make me..

Meet me in a public place.
Somewhere, where I can't

behave the way I want to.

Absolutely not!

How about the zoo?

- Fine, 15 minutes.
- 'Right.'

'Will you listen to me?'

Last night, something happened
that was very real.

Something that very few
people get.

- I know. Drown.
- You know what I mean?

You're not talking like
a shy stocking manufacturer now.

Helen, you mean more to me
than an order from Kresges.

This is insane. Impossible!
We must be civilized.

'But I am being civilized.'

'No, you're not,
you're talking like an animal.'

'After all,
you're a married man.'

Married, uh? Well,
I've done a little research.

And right from your own book.

'"Usually", and I
quote from memory'

'"married men
tend to be generous'

'"and ardent
to their girlfriends'

'and make ideal companions."
Now you wrote that.'

'But that was an observation,
not a recommendation.'

'If you had read further,
you would see that I also say'

that man is not an ape.

'He has an opportunity,
a challenge and responsibility'

'to seek permanent marriage
which you have already done.'

'And it is only in this way
that we are morally superior'

'to the lower animals.'

Helen..

...suppose I were to tell you
Sylvia and I are not married.

'I'd say, you were lying.'

Helen, I swear to you

that Sylvia and I
are not legally married.

'I swear to you that Sylvia
doesn't love me or want me.'

I swear to you
that if I walked out on Sylvia

she wouldn't care for a second.

'I also swear to you
as sure as my name'

is Frank Luther Broderick

everything I've told
you just now is the truth.

'I don't believe any of it is true.'

'But suppose it were?'

- If it were true?
- Uh-huh.

Supposing.

No! Not yet.

I wanna hear this
from Sylvia, first.

- Sylvia?
- Mm-hm.

But, she doesn't even know.

'Well, then tell her.'

Yes, that's the only way.

Tell her to come to my office
tomorrow afternoon at 3:00

if you ever wanna see me again.

'Believe me,
if you've been lying to m"

about this
or anything else, Frank..

Oh, no.

...I never wanna see you again.

No, I haven't been lying.
I haven't.

What am I gonna do?

* What is this thing *

* Called love *

* Mmm this funny thing *

* Called love *

* Just who can solve *

* This mystery *

* Why should you make *

- Gretchen. Hi, Callan.
- Honey, what're you doing here?

You've gotta be
Sylvia Broderick.

Sure, honey.
Is it okay, if I ask why?

Well, everything depends on it.

Now, look, tomorrow afternoon
at three O'clock

you go to
Dr. Helen Brown's office.

Uh, I'll give you
the details tonight.

Now, don't make any dates
for tomorrow, okay?

- Anything you say.
- See you later.

* Now that's why
I ask the Lord *

* In the heaven above *

* Mmm what is this thing *

* This funny thing *

* This crazy thing *

* Called love *

Hi, honey.

Hi, dear.

You got through early today,
didn't you?

That's right, I did
get through pretty quick

so I could rush home
to you, honey bear.

Aww!

Oh, are you
getting that, sweetheart?

'No, you get it, angle puss.'

'I don't wanna talk
to anybody but you.'

Hello?

Oh, hello, kid.

Oh, everything's been beautiful,
since I went back to work.

Really, um, did he
tell you that I wanted you

to come to the office tomorrow?

No, not yet.

Well, Frank and I
have never been happier.

Well, please come anyway,
will you?

It's...at three O'clock.

Oh, sure kid,
if you think it is important.

Mrs. Broderick, I think it's
very important for all of us.

And-and, Mrs. Broderick

please don't mention
to Frank that I called.

Anything you say, kid.
See you tomorrow.

- Hi, dear.
- Hi, honey.

Uh, thank you puss.

Mmm. Delicious.

'You know why I'm worried?'

That in just
about a half hour from now

my wife's gonna have a heart to
heart talk with my sweetheart.

I haven't got a wife.

I haven't got a sweetheart.

I'll get it.

Hello.

I know I promised,
but this is my big chance.

It might mean stardom
and lots of money.

Honey, Irvin has been trying to
get this interview for months.

He's been following
the producer around.

He's even
taken steam baths for me.

Why's he taking
steam baths for you?

Because the producer takes them.

Oh, I'm sorry, Bob, but when
fame knocks, you should answer.

Ah, that's opportunity.

Whatever it is, I'm answering.

I can't make that appointment
for you, that's final.

You're gonna walk all over your
friends to get to the top?

Some day you'll understand.

Sometimes it's necessary
to be...ruthless.

You can't trust women.
They lie and they cheat.

They've got no character,
no conscience.

Look at the time.
Susan..

Su..

- Susan, it's gotta be you.
- Me?

Mmm-hmm. I'm gonna
get you a cab.

You're gonna go
to Dr. Helen Brown's office.

You're gonna tell her
you're Sylvia Broderick

we've been married for 10 years.

Ten years!

- But I'm too young.
- Then look older.

And lie lie lie.

Hello, Irvy?

This is Gretchen.

I want to cancel my appointment.

I know you're a great agent.

I know you took steam baths.

But there are some things
that are more important

than stardom, fame and money.

I'm not gonna walk on my friend.

My man needs me.

And I can't let him down.

'I beg your pardon.
Good afternoon.'

I'm Mrs. Frank Broderick

and I have an appointment
with Dr. Brown, I believe.

Oh, yes, Mrs. Broderick.

Come right this way.
Dr. Brown is expecting you.

Thank you.

- Mrs. Broderick.
- Hi, kid.

Oh, Mrs. Broderick.

- Thank you so much for coming.
- Oh, that's alright.

- Won't you sit down?
- Yeah, thank you.

It's good to get out of
the office every now and then.

Well, what's on your mind, kid?
You seemed kind of upset.

Oh. Well, I've been under
something of a nervous strain.

Oh! Well, life isn't easy,
kid, take it from me.

Why don't you get it off your
chest? Tell Sylvia all about it.

Mrs. Broderick.

I'm going to have to ask you
a very personal question.

Shoot.

Are you and Frank
really married?

What! Dr. Brown?

I mean, are you married legally?

We most certainly are.
I've got the papers to prove it.

Oh.

I see.

But do you really care for him?

Oh, yes.

Frank is the most important
thing in the world to me.

He's the sweetest, most
wonderful, loyal, dearest..

Excuse me.

Yes, Hilda.

Dr. Brown,
there's a woman out here

who says she is
Mrs. Frank Broderick.

Really?

That's very strange.

Well, would you ask her to
wait there a moment, please?

Mrs. Broderick, something very
confusing is happening.

I wonder if you'd mind waiting
in the other room for a moment.

No, not at all.
I hope it won't be too long.

I hate to leave Frank alone.

Dr. Brown, you've no idea
how tough the competition is

in the women's hosiery business.

I'll tell you something,
it's really murder.

Thank you.

I've only got a few minutes.

But Frank wanted me
to drop by to tell you that

even though we've been
together for 10 years

I wouldn't care a bit,
if he leaves me for you.

- Goodbye.
- Oh, wait.

Mrs. Broderick, are you sure

that we're talking about
the same Frank Broderick?

Oh, yeah, honey. He's dark
and handsome and has curly hair.

That's him, alright.

Mrs. Broderick,
as far as you know

are you the only woman
that Frank has ever married?

Oh, I'm positive.
In fact--

Excuse me.
Just a minute.

Yes, Hilda.

Dr. Brown,
there's a young lady out here

who insists
she's Mrs. Frank Broderick.

- What?
- Well, that's just what I said.

She merely repeated it.

Well, ask her to, uh...wait.

Mrs. Broderick, would you mind
waiting here, please?

Oh, I can't, honey.
After all, I have my own career.

Oh, wait. Ahem.

Then...would you mind just..

...leaving through this door?
Thank you.

Wait! What's your first name?

Sylvia. And I hope you and Frank
have a real ball together.

Say, kid, I've washed
my hands three times already.

Oh, would you mind waiting
just one more minute, please?

I've had an emergency case.

Thank you, Mrs. Broderick.

- Mrs. Broderick?
- Dr. Brown?

Uh, won't you come in,
Mrs. Broderick?

Thank you, Dr. Brown.

Oh, please sit down,
Mrs. Broderick.

Thank you.

Well, so you're..

...Mrs. Broderick.

Oh, yes. Yes, Frank and I
have been married for 10 years.

Oh.

'Or, uh, six or eight.'

It's so hard to keep track.

You know how time flies
when you're with Frank.

Yes.

Well, Frank sort of adopted me
when I was very young.

And we've been
very good friends ever since.

Oh, that's nice.

Mrs. Broderick, does he come
home to you every night?

Well, I really don't know.

You don't?

No, because..

...well, I don't come home
every night.

Oh, I see.

And your name is..

- Sylvia.
- Sylvia.

Dr. Brown, I just
have to tell you

how grateful I am for your book.

- I'm glad.
- Oh, boy, so am I.

Are you through with me?
Because I've a lunch date

with my boyfriend
and I'm kind of late.

Of course. If you happen to
see Frank say hello for me.

I will.

Dr. Brown, I think
he's kinda stuck on you.

You're a very lucky girl.
Bye-bye.

I don't usually listen
at keyholes, kid.

But did I hear that girl say
her name was Sylvia Broderick?

- Mrs. Frank Broderick.
- Oh.

Mrs. Broderick..

...you and that girl are both
married to the same man.

What did you say?

- I said--
- I heard what you said.

You're trying to tell me
that Frank has two wives?

No wonder I don't have
any clothes.

And I was almost fourth.

Mrs. Broderick..

...your husband
is a very sick man.

Yeah, he's about to pass away.

Mrs. Broderick, no.

He must be handled
with kid gloves.

Oh, good idea.
No fingerprints.

Operator, get me the police.

Of course it's an emergency.

A man is going to be
murdered in a few minutes

if they don't save him.

Frank Broderick?
You're under arrest.

What for? Just 'cause I mixed
little cotton in with nylon..

- For bigamy.
- Bigamy?

Oh, boy, you fellows
got the wrong guy.

You just ask my wife Sylvia.

That's the one
who signed the complaint.

- Come on, take him away, boys.
- It's a mistake.

Eunice, tell 'em. I never even
look at another girl.

'It's ten years
I've been married.'

And in all those years, I never
even looked at another girl.

They used to have chimes.

Oh, hi, kid. Come on in.

I'm smashing everything
I can't take.

I am flying to Las Vegas.

- 'For a divorce?'
- For a good time.

I can't get a divorce.

I'm not even sure that I'm
the one that's married to him.

You know what part
that really stumps me?

How could anyone so ugly
get three girls?

Frank isn't ugly,
Mrs. Broderick.

If anything,
he's quite attractive.

Him?

Yes. Him.

Listen, kid, he's even a lousy
stocking manufacturer.

Just take a look at this junk.

Is it any wonder
the competition's killing him?

- How about a drink?
- Oh, I don't drink.

- That's ridiculous.
- I'm Dr. Rudy De Meyer.

- I'd love one.
- Oh, so would I.

Mrs. Broderick, I've brought
along Dr. De Meyer..

...to join me in
pleading with you

not to punish Frank,
but to help him.

Help him?

Yes, help your husband Frank.

Him.

Mrs. Broderick, I'd like
to get your husband

out of jail where
I can treat him.

No, I'd like to leave him in
jail until his teeth fall out.

Mrs. Broderick,
that's not fair.

Your husband is very ill.

There's a reason he keeps
marrying all these girls.

A reason he only falls in love
with girls named Sylvia.

My name isn't Sylvia.

That's the one ray of hope.
He's departing from his pattern.

'And we may be able
to save him.'

- For what?
- For what?

I don't know.

Mrs. Broderick, please.

I know your husband.
I know him well.

He's opened up his heart to me.

'I know that it's only you
that he loves and needs.'

And I know that deep inside..

...he's sweet
and gentle and kind.

Mrs. Broderick,
is this your husband?

Mine and everyone else's.

Mrs. Broderick.

This is not the man
you're married to.

He's the man that's been coming
here to sleep for ten years.

But this is not the man
who's been coming to my office.

This man is ugly.

Now, just a minute, doctor.

Do not talk
that way about my Frank.

The Frank Broderick
who's been coming to my office

is young and handsome
and charming.

He looks like Jack Lemmon.

Oh, well, that's Bob Weston.

Who?

Bob Weston.

The managing editor of Stop.

'He lives right next door.'

Say, has he been coming to you
with my marriage problems?

Rudy, this is shocking.

I'm scared.

Is that the Bob Weston
who wrote the magazine article?

Oh, no, it can't be true.

With Bob Weston?

Bob Weston is
the dirtiest dog around.

Next to Bob Weston,
do you know what Frank is?

A nun.

Rudy. He's doing a story on me.

That's why he went so far.

I'd like to smash his face.

And what a story.
Oh, what I said to him.

Oh, what I did.

Rudy, I want to go away.

Before that article
is published. Oh.

Go to Vegas.
You can make a bundle.

I wanna go somewhere
where they've never even

heard of Stop magazine.

I know.

Take me to Fiji.

Fiji?

Yes, Fiji.

Where women are women,
and men are worms.

If you're really serious,
I'll wiggle along.

Take me to my apartment to pack.

Say, wait a minute.

Does that mean
that Frank is innocent?

How do I know?
I never saw him before.

But, of course he's innocent.

How could he possibly
be interested in another woman

when he already has me?

Operator, get me the police.

Of course, it's an emergency.

An innocent man
has been unjustly imprisoned.

Oh, I could just see
that Bob Weston.

How he must be gloating.

Don't be a fool, Weston.

Turn in your story
on Helen Brown.

We've promised our readers.

Sorry, Randall.

Dr. Helen Brown
is a decent human being.

It would be indecent
to malign her.

I'd like a word
with Mr. Weston alone.

- Well, Bob.
- Chief.

It makes my heart bleed
to see you like this.

Think of your future.

Why, you have greatness in you.

Bob, I've come to regard you
as my own son.

'As you know,
I have no children of my own'

and I was thinking of
changing my will.

- It won't work, chief.
- But, son..

- I'm sorry.
- Very well.

We'll print this story
with what we've got.

No, you won't.
I'll deny any of it happened

and she'll sue you
for $ 12 million.

- You're despicable.
- No, despicable.

- Despicable.
- Yes, that's good.

- And you're through?
- Yes.

And when I'm finished with you

no decent publication
in the country will hire you.

Get out!
Get out!

Get out!

Susan.

Susan, Sylv..

Susan, after all the years

you've been my secretary
the le..

The least you could do is stop
while I'm talking to you.

Weston, get out.

This is not your office anymore,
but mine.

This is my secretary.

Poor, poor Sylvester.

I taught you every
rotten thing you know.

Yeah, and look what it's got me.

Your office, your job,
your secretary

even your clothes. While you,
Weston, you're all finished.

That's what you
think, Sylvester.

For me, it's only the beginning.

You may have the money
and the power and sex

but I've got love.

- Taxi!
- Your wife says she's coming.

She'll never have another
chance. I'm heading back

to the office to get my sample
case then I'm flying to Hawaii

before she can lay a hand on me.
Taxi.

- Main and 40th.
- Thank you.

You're welcome, and hurry.

- Taxi.
- You must have just missed him.

I guess, he was afraid
you wouldn't forgive him.

Forgive him?
I want him to forgive me.

I want to crawl
on my knees. Taxi!

Main and 40th,
and don't stop for anything.

Why, certainly, my dear.
But we'll get there just as fast

if we relax
and take our time, won't we?

What?
You get this cab moving

or I'll wrap it
around your neck.

Uh..

Well, excuse me,
but what's happening?

Why are they tearing down
the building?

Hilton's putting up
a hotel here.

A Hotel?

Well...what happened
to the institute?

- Where is everyone?
- There is no more institute.

Offenbach ran away
with the money.

Chickering ran away to Europe.

And me, I'm going into politics

where the real money is.

You know where Helen..
I mean, Dr. Brown is?

Oh, yes, although
it was all her fault.

She ran away with Rudy to Fiji.

I think you can still
catch her at home

if you wanna
offer congratulations..

- Fiji!
- Okay, Joe, let her go.

To the airport,
as fast as you can drive.

That's all I want,
a chance to show what I can do.

Hold onto your seats.

Helen. Wait!
Uh.

He's coming after us.
Faster, faster.

Ha! Watch my smoke, lady.

I could have been an astronaut,
but the pace was too slow.

There he goes.
Catch him.

Look, lady,
there are speed laws.

Shut up and drive.

Okay, driver,
you can slow down now.

Yeah. We've lost him, alright.

See that? Nobody passes Speed
Vogel. Nobody even catches up.

He's losing us.
Faster, faster.

Lady, I'm a law-abiding man.
Also, I'm accident prone.

You better catch that car
or I'll break your other arm.

Bob. Bob. Come here.

Come here.

Sylvia, I can't stop now.
I've gotta find Helen.

I don't care about Helen.
Frank's up ahead.

You go tell him, I love him
and want to apologize.

Frank.

Hey, where are you going?

Sylvia's coming behind
in a cab to..

Frank!

Whew!

Rudy, isn't that
Frank Broderick?

Why, no, I think,
that's Jack Lemmon.

Helen, wait.
I've got something to tell you.

- I hate you.
- But how can you hate me.

- You don't even know me?
- Yes, I do.

You're Bob Weston
of Stop magazine.

The dirtiest fink
I've ever known.

- Faster, Mr. Vogel.
- Helen, but..

Faster. Faster!

- Can't you go any faster?
- Lady, lady! Please!

Speeders on the bridge. Head 'em
off before they reach highway.

I don't know. Some kind
of a white convertible.

It looked like a blue Bentley
inside of a yellow cab.

Pay no attention, Harvey.
Don't let them rush you.

Of course, Emily.

Hold it there, mister.

Alright, where's the fire?

Frank.

Bob.

Bob, in 10 long years,
did I ever once glance

at another woman?
And now she wants to--

No, no, no, no.
Sylvia loves you.

She wants to apologize.
Stop for her.

Really?
I can't stop.

- Why not?
- I got a girl in the back.

Gretchen!

What? What are you
doing with him?

Oh, you go home
to your Dr. Brown.

- Take her in your car, will ya?
- Why should I?

So, I can go back for Sylvia.

'I can't, Frank,
I gotta catch Helen.'

Sylvia.

Helen.

You're the only girl
in the world for me.

I had to lie. But I swear,
I'll never lie again. Never.

Then what are you
doing with her?

- Get moving, Speed.
- She's a strange person.

I've never seen her
in my life before.

I gotta stop her
from ruining her life.

That maniac, I'll fix him.

No, no. Now, cool down.

Now, take it easy. No, no,
no, no, watch yourself.

To the airport,
as fast as you can.

Right, mister.
All I want is a chance.

- Where are you taking me?
- Anywhere you wanna go.

On our honeymoon.

Taxi.
Taxi.

- Where's the driver?
- I threw him out.

I couldn't get him to move.

- Move, I gotta catch Helen.
- Well, I've got to catch Frank.

I'll catch Frank.

Bob, Bob.

- Frank, Frank.
- Helen, Helen.

Sylvia, Sylvia.

My taxi, my taxi.

If you don't stop, I'll have you
both arrested for kidnapping.

Well, just let me find an exit.

Hey, pass me a pretzel, will ya?

- Stop, you sex fiend.
- Yes, ma'am.

Sylvia, dreamboat,
I've been looking..

- Where'd you get the pretzel?
- Frank, here you are, pussycat.

- There's Helen.
- Frank, look out.

- Helen.
- Keep away from me.

- Keep away.
- Hey, my taxi fare.

- Hey, hey.
- Helen.

'Helen, let me explain?'

- Keep away.
- I wanna say I love you.

- 'Frank.'
- Now, Helen.

- Get away, get away from me.
- Helen, come on.

- Would you believe this?
- Ah!

My taxi, my taxi.

My taxi, my taxi.

My motorcycle, my motorcycle.

- There's that cop again.
- Harvey, look out.

Helen, that night
in your apartment--

Oh, shut up.

She, loved me then.
Can you deny it?

- Rudy, kick him out.
- No.

You didn't answer him.

Shut up you're just
as impossible as he is.

- I think they're both cute.
- Well, thank you, my dear.

- And your name is?
- Gretchen.

Tell me, Gretchen.
Do you like to dance?

'Hey, where's Frank?'

Sylvia, tell her
that I love her.

He loves you that's why
he lost his job.

Yeah, because he wouldn't
do that dirty story.

- Frank.
- Sylvia.

Oh Frank, darling,
I'll never let you leave me.

I love you.

Frank, you're taking me
to Hawaii and don't forget it.

- In front of my wife.
- Frank, Frank.

Catch him or I'll make you
take me to Hawaii.

You hot rodders are a menace.

Hey officer.

- Where's Bob?
- Who's Bob?

Friend of mine, in a car like
yours just went shooting by.

Speeding, huh?
Watch me get him.

And that's the story
I wanted to run.

How your advice saved
a marriage of a faithful

stocking manufacture
and his jealous wife.

That's the reason they fired me.

Ugh! How you all lie so easily
and stick up for each other.

You make me sick.

My taxi, my taxi.

Alright, buddy.
Pull over.

Helen.
It began all wrong.

- Can we start over?
- Yes as enemies, I hate you.

Hot dog, what a sexy slap.

You trying to do discourage him
or satisfy yourself?

I won't be dominated by any man.

I'd gladly be dominated
by any man.

Is that what you think
I'm trying to do, dominate you?

I never dug a chick like you any
way, thanks for turning me down.

Really, well, don't mention it.

Buster, you can have
her back I don't want her.

Gretchen, I'm taking
you to Hawaii.

Okay, honey.

Sylvia.

Frank.

No, no, no. I'm taking
Gretchen, to Hawaii.

- Here. Here're your tickets.
- Alright.

- My sunshine.
- You're my very own.

Oh, let's go.

Now hear this, now hear this.
You're all under arrest.

This whole airport
is under arrest.

Every plane, every truck,
every car

every person in this airport
is under arrest.

And I don't want no body
leaving this airport

without orders from me.
And them there, is orders.

- Go to Hawaii with Rudy.
- Oh, forget about that Rudy.

He's going to the Fiji islands
with that screwy kid.

You in that control tower

I want you to throw off
all your switches.

Put out that beacon.

You up there...bring
that plane down.

That's right, that's right.
Bring it on down.

People out there
on the highway, pull over.

I want to see
everybody's license.

I want to see, your drivers
license, pilot license

transport license, hanger
license, building license

"see your license" license.

And everybody everywhere
is under arrest.

It's all that, Bob Weston's
fault, what a friend.

Yeah, and she tried to convince
me you're a bigamist.

Would I ever so much
as look at another women?

That's right, this is the chief.
Get it here fast.

'American Airlines flight 44'

'connecting for Los Vegas,
Hawaii and the Fiji islands.'

'All passengers to gate 88.'

'I don't want to go to, Fiji.'

I don't wanna be a single girl.

I want Bob Weston.

Now, isn't that ironic.

'You wrote a book teaching
single girls every where'

how to land their men and now,
you can't land the one you want.

I know exactly
how to get him back.

Just you watch.

'American Airline flight 44'

'connecting for Las Vegas,
Hawaii and the Fiji islands.'

'All passengers to gate 88.'

'Flight 44 at gate 88
leaving at 4:48.'

Oh, Helen, come on, don't cry.

No it's not
necessary to cry every..

Oh, Helen.
Oh, no.

Everything is gonna be alright.
There's no reason to cry.

I want all moving vehicles
everywhere to halt.

'Oh, everything is gonna
be fine. Oh, please.'

Helen, no. You've gotten
all too nervous..

'Fiji, Oakland, Sydney'

'and Melbourne, now boarding
at Gate 26, thank you.'

I'm glad we finally
got rid of those two pests.

I got 'em.
Lets get on that plane

before we get tangled up
again with those pests.

Oh, a second honeymoon.
Where are you taking me?

The Fiji islands, baby.

Our marriage can survive there

'cause the women
don't wear stockings.

Aww.

But If I'm giving up my practice
to becoming your wife..

...and you've lost your job..

...then how would you support me
after the honeymoon?

I've got a better job
with Dirt magazine.

No. Now let me explain.
They want me to take

that filthy rag and turn
it into the most influential

most respected news magazine
in the whole world.

'Your attention please'

'Airline flight 110
for Wake Island, Long Island'

'Tokyo and Hong Kong,
now boarding at gate 24.'

Stand back, everything
is under control. Stand back.

Stand back, everything's
under control, stand back.

Your red light and siren
in good working order?

Yes sir.

Driver..

...follow that plane.