All language subtitles for ITV.Joanna.Lumleys.Unseen.Adventures.2of3.1080p.HDTV.x265.AAC.MVGroup.org.eng

'I've been lucky enough

'to have visited some
fantastic places over the years.'

Holy smoke.

'Travel is my passion,
it's in my blood,

'and I'm thrilled that
I've been able to take you with me

'on these journeys.'

Look at this. It's magic.

'What you eventually see
on your screen

'takes weeks to shoot
and months to edit.'

Oh, my Lord.

'We haven't always had the time
to show you everything we film.

'But we kept
the unshown stories safe.'

Stark naked
and swimming like a fish.

'So I've gone back
as far east as Japan...'

SHE GIGGLES
'..all across the world,

'to Cuba in the west.'

Are you a pirate?
No.

Pff. Tch.

'And now I can reveal
this treasure trove.'

Lovely.

'Also, show to you a little about
how these programmes are made...'

These rather grand and beautiful
houses are called yell... Oof.

'..and why I love making them.'
Welcome to my Unseen Adventures.

'We start these adventures
in one of the most remote places

'I have ever been.'

SHE GASPS
Look at that.

Gee whiz.

'We filmed in eight countries
for the Silk Road series.'

Hello, honey.

'From Venice to the Chinese border.'

This is majestic.

'But this, we thought,

'was an excellent place
to start an episode.'

CAMEL GRUNTS

'The Kyzyl Kum Desert
in the far west of Uzbekistan.'

In theory,
it doesn't sound so difficult -

I just walk across a desert
leading a couple of camels,

saying a couple of lines to camera.

But actually,
it became unbelievably difficult.

Steer with the front one.

Head for me, Joanna.
OK, certainly, sir.

Going towards Kiff.
Come on, come on.

CAMELS GRUNT

The thing is, they want to go home.
They're hungry.

The camel man hadn't fed them,
so they were starving.

So it took on a sort of
pantomime horse quality

of me rushing after them
and holding onto the rope

and being dragged along.

Hang on a second.
Hang on, hang on, hang on.

So, Joanna, you just go
to where you feel best.

We don't know where we're going.

Well, can we take them
in a different direction?

No, cos that's... that's home,
that's where food is.

We had to keep on
bringing the camels round again,

we couldn't stop them,
the crew got in the way,

they're all falling over,
everyone was getting quite cross.

It's quite hard.

It's... I mean,
I'll walk with them, but if I can't,

I can't manage them and...
and talk to camera.

Shall we just...
Because there's all this as well.

..have the man managing them
and you beside them?

Much better that I'm walking along.
We're coming.

'It's quite normal for things
not to go exactly to plan,

'but you just have to stay calm
and adapt to the situation.'

I'm in the far west of Uzbekistan,
in Central Asia,

and around me for 400 miles
is desert in every direction.

This scene really has been unchanged
for 2,000 years, great camels,

ships of the desert.

They take me through
strange places like that.

They can carry
unimaginably heavy loads

and it was really thanks to
these guys that the Silk Road

was able to operate at all.

That's great, lovely, thank you.

'The city of Tashkent, Uzbekistan's
capital, is 500 miles away,

'and it felt like
a completely different country.'

I had such a picture in my mind of
what Tashkent was going to be like

and I was absolutely wrong.

Because it had been under
Soviet rule for 50 years,

I imagined it would be full of
sombre, kind of heavy, dark,

tall, utilitarian buildings.

But in fact,
the Russians loved Tashkent so much

because they used to go there
as a holiday resort

that they made it absolutely
beautiful when they remade it.

And to me, it felt...
Well, it felt like Paris.

'Tashkent was just dazzling.
The streets were gleaming,

'the architecture stunning.

'Even the metro system
was something quite special.'

SHE GASPS

Look at these
glass, gorgeous pillars.

Isn't this beautiful?

'I managed to gate-crash this do,
and who knew that Uzbeki weddings

'are some of the most flamboyant
and expensive in the world?'

Look at this! Isn't it fabulous?

'But the gems I'm about to show you

'appeared in the most
unexpected places.'

Look at these! Sapphire.

What colour is this?
This is Swiss Blue.

I like this.
I love Swiss Blue.

This is London,
that's London in a thick fog.

London at midnight.
London at midnight.

Ooh, looking through it,
to London blue.

'What is extraordinary is that
I'm actually in a nuclear facility,

'which, in the Soviet era,
carried out military experiments

'and space research.

'Now they've turned their hand
to making these magnificent jewels.

'The science behind this
is obviously hugely impressive.

'But... don't ask me how they do it.

'Ask Professor Ibragimova.'

Surrounded with oxygen.
Oxygen, oxygen, oxygen, oxygen.

But sometimes it's pinkish,
or slightly bluish.

How to transform this quartz
into topaz.

Add aluminium,
this is what happen.

Please, miss.
Ten to 14 electrons.

Oh, I forgot to add the second.

Yeah, now you've got the second,
I'm following you. Yeah.

Did you understood?
'Mm, sort of.

'One thing I did want to clear up

'was how much these big rocks
are actually worth.'

This gorgeous little stone,
well, "little", weighs a tonne.

It's actually worth $100,000.

SHE INHALES

'The next place I'm taking you to

'is somewhere I had longed to visit
for half my life.'

Samarkand is Uzbekistan's
second-largest city

and it's existed
for thousands of years.

It's a place of legend,
it draws travellers towards it.

And, in fact,
a lot of the travellers

which were on the Silk Road
came like a magnet to Samarkand.

James Elroy Flecker,
the great poet, wrote a poem

called The Golden Journey
To Samarkand about exactly that,

traders and travellers
all being drawn towards it

and one of them, Eshak, says,

"We travel
not for trafficking alone,

"by hotter winds
our fiery hearts are fanned.

"For lust of knowing
what should not be known,

"we take the Golden Road
to Samarkand."

'Like Xanadu or Shangri La,
Samarkand seemed just too fantastic,

'but I was on my way
to see those great glittering domes

'and turquoise buildings. They're
real, and I was travelling there!'

Just not quite the way
that I'd imagined.

This is absolutely extraordinary,

I'm on a train
from Tashkent to Samarkand.

I mean, I think I'd imagined...
Well, not obviously on camels,

but I'd imagined a kind of
scuffly dirt track,

a little bit of
a third worldy-type train

with chickens fluttering
out of the air.

Instead, I've got coffee in a mug
with Chanel written on it,

the most beautiful fruit salad
you've ever seen.

I'm sitting in
a second-class carriage

with the most immense amount of
room and splendour and cleanliness.

It is fantastic.

I can't think,
why didn't we know about this?

Why didn't we know about Uzbekistan?

I'd come here for my holidays
every year if I could.

Get yourself to Tashkent
and take the train to Samarkand.

It's... This is not...

It's all about will.
But do you see this?

Do you want that?
Oh, darling, I'm sorry, Kiffo.

That's absolutely fine.
OK, let's go.

I suppose that
they're making an announcement

we're soon coming in to Samarkand.

Wait for that to go?

They're just making an announcement,
we're soon to arrive at Samarkand.

I'm looking at this old book,
this French book about photographs.

It's extraordinary, because
Samarkand was pretty much in ruins

at the turn of the last century,
and it was during the Soviet regime

in the 1920s that they decided
to build it up, and fabulous.

I'm always saying
"fabulous" and "wow",

and people have ticked me off,

sometimes people say,
"Must you keep on saying that?"

And the answer is, yes.

I'm going to get ready to go.

Put your cameras down,
we've got to get ready to go!

'Being part of a team
has always been important to me.

'As an actress, of course, you're
part of a cast, so that's a team,

'you all have to rely on
each other.'

And I've been travelling

with the same crew for about,
gosh, it's, oh, it's over ten years.

And so we've got to know each other,
we travel actually like a family.

Um, they are
a little bit younger than me,

so I like to think of them
as my younger brothers,

or occasionally, my sons.

Just very, very occasionally,
my grandchildren,

from the way they behave,

but they're usually terribly good
and terribly kind

and very helpful,
and they tell me when I'm looking...

not quite up to scratch,
or tuck bits into me,

or there's a wire showing
or a cable showing.

So, teamwork, all the shows I do
are about team work.

Warts and all.

And as far as the crew goes,
lots of warts, I'm afraid.

It's odd to say this,
but the most unexpected thing

I remember about Samarkand
was its magical bread.

Hello, ladies.
SHE GASPS

Oh, look.
Gosh, she's got... Look how shiny!

'The women selling it on the streets
were very cagey about their sources.

'But I managed to track down
some being made

'in the back streets of the city.'

The smell here,
it smells like paradise.

It's cooling off enough for me
to hold it, and show it to you

very quickly and then put it down,
cos it's unbelievably hot.

THEY LAUGH
It's so hot.

'Besides its bread, what you
need to know about Samarkand

'is who built this city and made it
the capital of his empire.

'Amir Timur, or Tamerlane,

'carved out one of the biggest
empires the world has ever seen.

'In the process,
Timur is believed to have killed

'around 17 million people -

'that was about 5% of
the world's population at the time.

'We marvelled
at Timur's magnificent mausoleum.'

And now he's lying to rest
in this phenomenal,

extraordinary,
calm, quiet, beautiful place.

'But I want to tell you now
the grizzly story

'behind one of Samarkand's
architectural masterpieces.

'Tamerlane was merciless, but he
spared the lives of talented artists

'and artisans, and put them to work
on building his magnificent capital.

'The building I'm about to show you
was built for Amir Timur

'by his favourite wife.'

I'm...
That walking fellow was in the way.

And it's so wide here.
You've got to watch that.

Amir Timur, Tamerlane, had 18 wives.

But his favourite, and the first
one, was called Bibi-Khanym.

She was the oldest,
and Bibi-Khanym means "first lady".

He adored her, she adored him,

and when he was away
on one of his campaigns,

she decided to give him a treat
he would never forget.

So, Bibi-Khanym
commissioned an architect

to design and build
the most colossal mosque ever,

easily the largest in Central Asia.

And this is it. Huge,
monumental, absolutely colossal.

Beautiful, traditional gateways,
the wonderful tile work,

stunning, thrown up pretty quickly,
bits dropping off, but nevertheless

absolutely spectacular
because Bibi adored Timur

and Timur adored Bibi. But...

..the architect
also adored Bibi-Khanym.

'Just as I was about to give you
the final twist in the tale,

'we were stopped by three
generations of Uzbeki women.

'It's these random encounters
that I really love.'

How old are you?
How old am I?

I am very old, honey,
how old are you?

How old?
I am 12.

You're 12?
Grandmas.

Grandmother. It's lovely to see you,
proud of your girl.

Lovely girl.
How many children?

I've got one child,
two grandchildren.

And my grandchild, like you,
is tall.

Work?
Work. Film.

Film?
Film.

Producer?
No, I'm presenter.

Cameraman, director, sound engineer.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Goodbye.

That tall girl,
just like my granddaughters,

who are great, tall girls too.

Very sweet. OK, let's tell you
about the architecture.

Just walk a bit now
and get in to that.

Look at these domes,
they are sensationally pretty.

Decorated everything so delicately,
so boldly,

And look at this.

So beautiful. And Bibi-Khanym
was so thrilled with it.

And the architect had
fallen deeply in love with her,

and he kissed her on the cheek.

When Timur returned
from his campaign,

he saw that there'd been a dalliance
going on and he was furious about it

and he had the architect executed.

And although he was cross
with Bibi, he didn't kill her.

In fact, she outlived him,
and this outlived them both.

It's incredible,
but up until the 1970s,

the great city lay in ruins
and if it... it...

I can't say that, sorry,
the cat walked past the window.

That's nothing, it shouldn't be.

Could you keep away from
behind the camera? Thanks, love.

It's incredible, but up until the
1970s, this great city lay in ruins.

And if it hadn't been for
Soviet-backed restoration,

Samarkand would not be
the place that it is today.

'A bit like the Forth Road Bridge,

'the upkeep of all Samarkand's
buildings is a never-ending process.

'Nazar was 75 years old
when I met him,

'and is a ninth-generation
master wood carver.'

Do you design the panels yourself?

How did you lose
the tops of your fingers?

Did you chop them
when you were a boy?

Whereabouts in Samarkand

are examples
of your fine restoration work?

'Samarkand's bewildering range
of historic treasures

'surpassed what I had imagined,

'and you have to work hard to see
a fraction of what's on offer.'

That's quite a climb up there.

Before I leave, I just wanted
to come to this extraordinary place,

the Shah-i-Zinda.
It is a collection of mausoleums

and most of the people buried here
are women.

It's so touching, I just wanted to
come and pay my last respects here

before I leave
the golden city of Samarkand.

'This site is a series
of exquisite mausoleums

'built up over
the course of eight centuries.

'Qasim ibn al-Abbas,
a cousin of the Prophet Muhammad,

'came here to preach Islam
in the seventh century,

'and was beheaded for his trouble.

'His tomb crowns the site,

'and we were invited by the Mullah
to hear prayers in his honour.'

PRAYER CHANTS

'Next, we're off to India
to see just what it takes

'to capture this fascinating land
on film...'

Kiff's going to be angry,
Kiff's always angry.

'..to unveil some more treasures...'

I just want to buy something here.

'..from my trove of unseen footage.'

It had the most
ghastly consequences.

'In 2017, the crew and I
spent almost two months filming

'all across India to make
a series of three programmes.

'India was celebrating
70 years of independence.

'It's the land of my birth,

'and this complex and stunning
country is especially dear to me.

'We decided to start our trip
to India in Kanyakumari,

'which is on the very, very
southern-most tip of the country.'

We had to fly during the night
to Delhi, and then stay awake

and catch our connecting flight
to the south of the country

at about...
I think it was about three.

So we'd virtually had
a whole night without sleep.

And we arrived down in the south,
but we were lured to Kanyakumari

because we'd been told about the
great golden orb of the sun rising

out of the Indian Ocean
and all the people streaming out,

backlit with the sun,

and I should stand there
and it would be absolutely glorious.

'Well, on the morning,
we got up before dawn, of course,

'and it was lacerating rain,

'it was the wind blowing,
a force-eight gale, it was flapping

'and everything was looking grey
and completely not like India.'

"Oh," we thought.
"This is terrible."

Because what you really want to do
is get the first shot of the show

in the bag, then you feel
you're off on your journey.

WIND GUSTS

Would you not? Oh,
is hair better than hat? You say.

'That day, I had chosen
a bright yellow blouse

'that I'd thought would look good
in the morning light.

'I hadn't thought about how noisy
it would be in a force-eight gale.'

This shirt is noisy.
Spinnaker, isn't it?

And it's raining, too.
Other than that...

Other than that. I know, I'm making
quite a sort of feast of it.

Tell me, tell me.

'What were we gonna to do?'

What was our first shot to camera
going to be like?

What was our introduction to India
going to look like on screen?

This is the meeting place
of three great expanses of water.

To the east, the Bay of Bengal.
To the west, the Arabian Sea.

And here behind me, to the south,
the mighty Indian Ocean.

I'm on the southern-most tip
of one of the most intriguing,

bewildering and thrilling
countries on Earth.

Come with me through India.

'No-one seemed shy, and back in
2016, India had gone selfie mad.'

English?
English.

What is your name?
My name is Joanna.

Joanna.
Joanna.

And your name?
CHILD REPLIES

Oh, very good.
Ma'am, one photo?

Yes, we will do that, darling, we
will do the photo now this second.

'We did eventually
get a wonderful opening scene,

'just not quite the one
we'd planned.'

TRAIN HORN BLARES

'The first stop on our Indian
adventure was the city of Madurai,

'which is just a couple of hours
north by train.

'You may notice that I'm carrying
an extraordinarily hefty

'leather suitcase.
It's been in the family for years.'

And these are just some things
I've bought along for the trip,

they're things that
remind me of India,

or have got India connotations.

And I've bought in this suitcase,
all kinds of things,

like, for instance,

this is my parents getting married
up in Sunaga in 1941.

And this is Daddy,
he's a captain in the Gurkhas.

'My old suitcase was jam-packed
with memorabilia from a bygone era.

'The idea was to unpack it slowly
during my travels.

'In the end,
this was its only cameo appearance.'

And although
I was too little to know it,

my mother grieved terribly
at having to leave India.

She always spoke fluent Urdu and
my father used to talk in Gurjari.

Those were their secret languages

between each other when they didn't
want the children to understand.

This was Mummy's old pocket
English-Hindustani dictionary,

and later on,
I'm going to become fluent in Hindi

during this short journey.

I'm going to be able to say things
like, "Have you finished reading?"

SHE REPEATS THE PHRASE IN HINDI

"Do you get tea
and vegetables daily?"

SHE REPEATS THE PHRASE IN HINDI

But anyway, this is fascinating,

and I'm just ashamed
I searched and searched to find it.

I only found it
the day before I came,

otherwise I'd be fluent already.

These are unbelievably old, I think
these go back to 1901 or something,

the field glasses that they had.

But they're actually
completely beautiful.

Look, and I can see you
perfectly from here.

That was actually a lie,
but do you know what I mean?

I know I'm going to be able
to see perfectly

through these divine little glasses.

It could be that I was looking
through the wrong end of them.

'The city of Madurai is dominated
by the 14 colourful towers

'of the astonishing 2,500-year-old
Hindu temple there.

'It was initially the principal
object of our attention,

'but it's in the back streets
that you find the best characters

'and learn most about a country.'

'I can't believe that I'm sharing
this moment with you again,

'but I got measured up
for a fabulous shirt

'in the market surrounding
the temple.'

32.
32.

38 there.

Please don't listen to this.
I'm going to dub over it afterwards,

it's going to say 36, 24, 37.

What's happened?

I've literally trebled,
trebled in size.

'Humiliating, I know.

'But I still have and love this top,
and it reminds me of Madurai.'

Beautiful garlands
made of tuberoses,

which is that really sweet...
these little sweet, white flowers

and tiny pink rosebuds.

These are beautiful garlands.
Yes, yes.

This flower is like this one day.
One day?

One day alive.

But this flower here,
three days live.

Three days.
So these are more expensive?

Yes, yes.

'I was mesmerised
by the dexterity and finesse

'of these garland-makers.'

This is just beautiful, this is
one of the most skilful things,

he's making garlands for people
to buy to take to the temple,

using this gorgeous
fibrous palm leaf,

which he strips down
into thin bits.

And then this soft, soft cotton,

which I think he can break
with his hands as he just does it,

he does it like that.

Um, tell me, sir, how long have you
been making garlands like this?

Ten years now.
Ten years?

And is it very difficult?

Very easy.

It's very easy?

You try?
No, I don't think I can,

I don't think I can.

No, I think I'll leave this to him.

I think you do this
so much better than I do.

What I love about travelling
is that, in some way,

every country you enter,
you become a different person.

Nobody there really knows you,
and I've got to say,

even though I'm quite well-known
in countries which have television,

because I've been on screens
for so long,

a lot of the countries I go to
have no idea who you are,

so you're completely anonymous.

What I love doing
is sitting and watching.

Sitting on a train watching people,
sitting at a cafe in a street,

just walking and looking
and staring.

Don't fill your days
so full of stuff

that you don't have time
just to sit and stare,

because that's when you
really take in countries.

And don't always go to see
the finest and the best

and the most obvious sights.

Go off the beaten track,

go to a small village
which hasn't got a grand temple,

just go and be in that village,
go and walk about,

see if you can talk to somebody.

I love travelling, I literally
couldn't live without it.

This is what you would call
a fairly casual manicure,

you just sort of throw it on roughly
on the end of your fingers

and goes on the skin,
doesn't really matter.

Just sort of slap it on. Just taking
a little bit more care, I think,

with her own toes than she did
with her sister's fingers.

Can you see this lovely,
slightly scattergun, approach

to putting on nail varnish?

Put some on the back of the palm
as well, it doesn't matter.

It's lovely, and are you going to
have your hands painted?

No, no, no.

Tell me,
which is your favourite god?

Meenakshi.
Meenakshi?

SHE GASPS
Ah, Meenakshi!

WAILING IN BACKGROUND
There's a great sorrow here.

'The Meenakshi Temple
is a highly auspicious Hindu site.

'And thousands of the faithful
visit the temple every day.

'And, not surprisingly, some become
overwhelmed by the experience.'

It's possessed
and in a trance, my gosh.

You can see dancing in front of
the three-pronged temple there,

it's been going on a bit. I thought
it was somebody in terrible grief,

but in fact it's just
trance-like dancing for the gods

and then being possessed
by the spirit

and speaking in tongues, I think.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Good, thank you darling.
Very, very good.

'Our visit here centred around
an awe-inspiring ceremony.'

Oh, look, look, look what's coming.

The trumpets are starting.

It's been performed here every night
for thousands of years.

This crowd just following on behind.

'Late into the night, the temple
is still buzzing with activity.

'This procession celebrates
the love between Lord Shiva

'and his consort, Parvati,
and their union in the bed chamber.'

Ravishing.

'The next morning,
I had a tragedy to deal with.'

I'm so depressed,
because my beautiful suitcase,

I broke the handle.

But I've been told that near
a sign which says "car parking",

that there's a leather worker
who'd be able to fix it for me.

Got to say,
it doesn't look terribly promising.

I wonder if you can help me.

I have broken the handle
of my suitcase, you see?

It's very old.

Do you think you can mend it?

Want it removed, huh?
Uh-huh.

This? And maybe, what, double,
like that?

And stitching?
Stitching.

Same colour.
Same colour.

Same colour.
Thank you. That's good.

Dear little suitcase.

It's been all around the world,
it's done everything under the sun,

it's made of buffalo leather,
I thought its life was over.

How many hours, how long?

Two hours?
Two hours.

Thank you.

I can't watch this, cos it's like
having my teeth taken out.

And here she is,
this darling old suitcase.

There's its beautiful
little new handle.

But there's something...

There's some sort of nostalgia
about these old suitcases.

This is buffalo hide.

I've got to say that I always
hate kind of leather things,

cos I always think of
the poor little dead animals,

and being a vegetarian,
I'd much rather have nylon.

But when I look at this
and I know it belonged to my mother

and it's been all around the world
and it's really robust,

I'll keep it, I'll just keep it.

I usually keep treasures in things
like this, it'll be full of things,

so when I'm dead, people will go,
"What's this?"

And they'll open it up
and it'll be full of treasures.

Things that I've bought back
from far away.

Or just old stuff
I've forgotten to sort though.

From Madurai, we drove up
through some beautiful country

into the Western Ghats.

I remember being dumbstruck
at the scenery

and terrified by the mayhem
on the roads.

CARN HORNS BLARE

I'm not completely used to
the driving in India,

which is largely just,
go forward until you can't

because something else
is coming straight at you.

So, I usually sit in the back seat,
not because I'm grand,

but because I find it
quite life-shortening

sitting in the front seat.

'Venturing higher up
into tea country,

'we were lucky enough
to encounter these chaps.'

This is extraordinary.

And another one, and another one.

Just quietly coming
in their own sweet order.

I'm so, so thrilled.

One of the great dreams of my life

to see an Indian elephant
in the wild.

'But we didn't reveal to you
the fascinating chat I had

'with an old family friend.'

This is rather exciting,
cos I'm going to meet Robin Brown

for the first time
in about ten years.

His mother and my mother were very
good friends, they're both dead now.

But they had in common India,
and Robin, who's, I think,

a little bit older than me,
he was rather an exotic figure.

Robin and I took very different
paths in the swinging '60s.

As I went off to become a model
and then an actress,

he, like thousands of others
at the time, headed east

in search of enlightenment
and an alternative lifestyle.

He'd gone out, I think
with a sort of hippy trail

all those years ago in the '60s,
became bewitched by India,

got an old Enfield bike
and rode all over the country.

I wonder if he's changed,

I wonder if he looks like
a bit of a hippy, which he used to.

Oh, here he is!

Hey. Wow.

Oh.

Joanna,
it's nice to see you finally.

Oh, Robin, how good to see you.

Finally in India together.
Together.

So, Robin.
Yes.

Isn't it funny, cos I was born...
You weren't born in India, were you?

No, I wasn't.
My father, being an Army Officer,

he was always
trying to get seconded to India,

we could have a great time
in the mess

and run up tabs and chits
everywhere.

How did you come to India?
Did you fly out?

No, no, all of us hitch-hiked.
Yeah.

It would take weeks, months.

In those days, the zeitgeist was,
to hell with western consumerism,

we're gonna hitchhike to Kathmandu
or we're going to do this,

and completely stoned and get
enlightened, that was the thing.

You'd be hanging around
in King's Road

and it would be, "What? You haven't
gone to... Wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh."

It was absolute de rigour.

Then once we'd managed to get here,

I'd learnt so many things on the
way, they were fairly bullet-proof.

Getting to Afghani border,
you'd halfway made it.

We'd reached Afghanistan, and the
Afghan customs wallah would come out

in his German uniform and
he'd say, "Have you got hashish?"

"What, who, me? No, no, no."

So the guy would go, "Here."
Bang, kilo slab,

"Welcome to the Kingdom!"

When you came out here,
did you have a job?

When you first came
when you were a young man.

Staying alive was the job, I think,
not dying of dysentery or...

Have a job?
No, job was just being what we were.

Were you aiming for anywhere?
Were you aiming for...

Kathmandu.
Kathmandu, of course.

Kathmandu.
Yeah.

Of course,
with all the famous songs.

Thingy, that one, turned Muslim,
what's his name?

Yeah Cat Stephens.
Of course, your memory's perfect.

Would you give me a spin
on your bike?

Well, why not? Can I wear
that helmet and sit behind you?

Absolutely. And not go fast,
cos I'm a trembling memsahib.

No, no, no, I'm more scared of it
than you are.

# Kathmandu, I'll soon be seeing you

# And your strange bewildering time

# Will hold me down... #

'We travelled 5,000 feet
up to Sikkim,

'in the foothills of the Himalayas.

'The air was cool
and the atmosphere was serene.'

When the cloud lifts, and it will,

I'd be staring at the five peaks
of Kanchenjunga.

I'm so disappointed,
I'd so wanted to see Kanchenjunga!

'But far away across the mountains,

'we had an audience
with the Dalai Lama.

'Meeting His Holiness was humbling,
inspiring and great fun.

'But while we were up in the
mountains, we stumbled across

'another story which, at the time,
felt completely out of place.

'Back in 1860, a Scotsman wanted
to make this leafy hill station

'a seat of British political power.'

It's so gorgeous here
in these shady trees.

Joanna, you're gonna have to
actually walk in.

Wh- where... Where's in?

The eighth Earl of Elgin,

and not the Elgin who procured those
beautiful but controversial, er,

marbles from Greece...
Sorry, marbles. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

The eighth Earl of Elgin -

not the Elgin who procured
those beautiful but controversial

marbles from Greece,
but his grandson, James Bruce -

was made Governor General
and Viceroy of India in 1862.

He loved this cool retreat so much
that he decided that this would be

the summer capital
for the British in India.

Unfortunately, just two years
after he took office,

he died suddenly here
in Dharamshala.

And the British capital,

summer capital, went up to Shimla,
which is 140 miles due east of here.

But he wanted to be buried, he
wanted to stay here in Dharamshala

because he loved it so much.
So Mary Louisa, his widow,

had him buried here
amongst his favourite deodar trees.

Good man. Anyway, here's
a little corner of a foreign field

that is forever Scotland,
I would have thought.

Before we went up to Kashmir,
which is where I was born,

I wanted to do a piece to camera
saying how important it was for me

for the viewers to see Kashmir

and to have the same
emotional attachment to it

as I've always felt.
To love it and to admire it.

And so I wanted to do
a little piece to camera saying,

"This is why," and so on.

Anyway, it didn't... It didn't
really quite work out as planned.

Give me your bag.

Lost it slightly,
I've bought no makeup with me

so I'm very... I'm very anxious
that I now look like a natrid

and old, kind of somebody who's
been left behind with the flood.

This is McLeod Ganj, and it's
in the foothills of the Himalayas.

We've travelled everywhere, we've
been so far, I've loved it up here.

This is kind of a little bit like
Kashmir, where I was born,

but this isn't Kashmir...
cos it's a bus, it's a truck.

I'm not gonna like this,
Kiff's going to be angry.

Kiff's always angry.

CHUCKLING

HORN BLARES
Help me, help me.

And I so want it to be lovely,
I so want it to be gorgeous,

and the Kashmir that I can show you
will be the Kashmir of my heart.

PASSING TRAFFIC

I'm coming to the end
of my gorgeous trip through India...

PHONE RINGS
..right up through. Bloop, bloop!

From the very south
to the very north,

east to west, absolutely stunning.

The next trip, of course...

BLEEP, it's not "trip", sorry.

I'm so muddled at the moment
I can't tell you.

My head is like a bees' nest.

I left Kashmir when I was a baby,
but I went back when I was 35

and it was absolutely beautiful.
BEEP off.

It's so... It's so draining
working by the side of a road,

second-guessing how long
the traffic will be.

OK. No, not quite OK.
PASSING TRAFFIC

'I had mixed emotions
coming back to Kashmir this time.

'Politically,
it's been really unstable.

'We had to get special permission
to film there,

'and we're lucky to come
in a window of relative peace.'

CHANTING
Call to prayer.

It's extraordinary, it feels like
a completely different country,

doesn't feel like India at all here.

It just feels... Well, it feels like
Kashmir, that's the truth of it.

'But Kashmir will always be
dear to me. It's where I was born

'and where so much of
my family's history is based.'

But this is where
my grandparents lived for a bit,

where my mother and father
were certainly married.

It's so gorgeous to be back and
to think even though I was just...

just a baby, teeth growing,
probably crying through the night

with pink cheeks,
I was sleeping in here.

Srinagar was known as
"paradise on Earth,"

and has always been Kashmir's
centre of life and commerce.

'The next morning,
we'd planned a pre-dawn visit

'to the Dal Lake floating market.'

It's chilly.

Mind you, it is spring time,
which is why the leaves aren't out.

But everything just beginning,

willows and poplars
all around the lakes.

It's fabulous!

Oh, I'm sailing away,
I want to go back.

I want to go back, can we go back?

'This timeless scene
seemed unearthly,

'and I was longing to see
what they were buying and selling.'

He shoved my boat away, that's good.
Thank you.

And they just appear to be
selling leaves to each other.

Some of them are kind of long,
they look like radish leaves,

I don't know what they are,
they look quite delicious.

Excuse me, sir?
Can I... Can I buy some?

Can I, can I...? No.

So I missed that one.

Oh, I could buy some turnips.
I just want to buy something here.

'I've got quite a reputation
with the crew

'of just eating and drinking
anything that's offered to me.

'Usually it's out of courtesy,
because people will suddenly

'come out of their house or approach
across a desert carrying something.'

And on camera they approach
and I take it and go,

"Nom, nom, nom, how lovely,"
um, because it's courtesy.

But usually,
I just have to eat anything.

And this time, um,
some part of my mind went AWOL

because all these plants
were grown in the Dal Lake,

and what you never do
is drink water from the Dal Lake.

It had the most
ghastly consequences.

So...

Now, they come in
really huge bundles.

This, is this for me to eat?

God, that looks fantastic.

How much is that?

80 rupees?

Thank you very, very much. Goodbye.

Is that not the most gorgeous...

Couldn't you just,
couldn't you just...

'What was I thinking?'

I can't tell you, we were
up to do the very final piece,

wrapping up the whole of
the India programmes, up on the...

the mountain looking over the lakes
and down over the Veil of Kashmir

and Srinagar.

I don't think I've ever felt
so ill in all my life,

I had, you know,
the black runs, as it were.

Up every hour, just,
no matter how much water I drank...

Oh, anyway, I was near to dead.
In the morning, I said,

"I don't think I can do this."

And guess what they said,
guess what my crew said?

"Yes, you can!"

I'd taken all those
kind of pills that you take

to make you into concrete
from the neck down,

dragged myself across the lake
with a full smile painted on,

and we managed to get through it,
I just don't know how.

We were miles from any kind of
restroom, there was no loo in sight.

Oh, wow, look at this.
This is the Veil of Kashmir.

And this is the end
of our extraordinary journey.

We came to Delhi, which is
the capital of India, New Delhi,

what isn't to be found in Delhi?

And from Delhi
we went to the Ellora Caves.

We didn't, we went to Mumbai.

Don't have to label everything.
SHE GRUNTS

Sorry, Joanna.
That's all right.

We've got so much that people
are just going, "Get on with it,

"we saw the programme."

But somehow just standing up there
at the very end

and summing up our India journey,

it made it all feel worthwhile.

And Doctor Theatre always comes in
to help.

By the end of it,
I was completely cured.

'Next time, join me for some more
unseen adventures in Iran.'

On our way to...
SHE CHUCKLES

'In Georgia, we have lunch
booked with a dictator.'

I have the strangest feeling that
I'm being overlooked.

'And in Haiti,
we set sail in search of pirates.'

I wouldn't mind going back soon.

It was terrifying,
I was black and blue.

Subtitles by ITV SignPost