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I was told I could have another big pancake
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or two silver dollar ones.
3
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Yes, Mr. Pilaf.
4
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But, unfortunately, we are
running short on butter...
5
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so it is one pat per person.
6
00:00:16,875 --> 00:00:18,173
Hey, Joel.
7
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I'm late because my ex-wife
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called me on my way to work
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and it is really hard to talk on my bike.
10
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Carla called? What'd she say?
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Well, she's looking for a house-sitter
12
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because she and her new boyfriend, Carl,
13
00:00:27,668 --> 00:00:29,256
want to go to her high school reunion.
14
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Which is also my high school reunion.
15
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But now I won't be going,
since I'll be house-sitting.
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Wait, what? N-No. Why
didn't you stand up to her,
17
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you know, and tell her no?
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I tried, but it's really hard.
19
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It's like she has this power over me.
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- Here you go.
- Irene! You brought me two coffees.
21
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- Yay!
- Oh. Yeah.
22
00:00:47,490 --> 00:00:49,330
Oh, you look tired.
23
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You know what? Why don't you have one?
24
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Oh. Thanks. Such a good friend.
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I know.
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(clears throat) Good morning, teachers,
27
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and thank you for coming to this breakfast
28
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even though it takes time
away from our families,
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00:01:01,998 --> 00:01:03,728
or in my case, the family of possums
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living in my carport.
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Here is some good news.
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An evaluator from the district
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is coming at the end of the week
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to assess everyone's performance.
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(teachers murmuring)
36
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Doug Pilaf, math department.
37
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Why is that good news?
38
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Doug, I know your name.
39
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You've worked here for over 15 years.
40
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And it is good news because
it is an opportunity for us
41
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to convince the school
board not to cut our budget.
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Well, the science department
can't take any more cuts.
43
00:01:28,224 --> 00:01:30,254
We've been dissecting the
same frog for, like, two years.
44
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And Meredith has been teaching
45
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the same lesson plan for two months.
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(CARL) Well, we just have to do a good job.
47
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And to do that, we gotta be prepared.
48
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So I will be sitting
in on your classes today
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to help identify any weaknesses.
50
00:01:41,850 --> 00:01:44,090
Now, along with the usual criteria,
51
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this year, there is a new category:
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"student engagement."
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We all know how difficult it is
54
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to keep kids interested,
55
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living in this fast-paced,
flip-phone, DVD world.
56
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This touchy-feely stuff
is crazy. I was taught
57
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by a nun with a yardstick,
and I turned out great.
58
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Yeah, she probably taught you everything
you know about sex, too, right?
59
00:02:00,940 --> 00:02:02,154
But what if the evaluations are bad?
60
00:02:02,179 --> 00:02:03,435
Calm down.
61
00:02:03,460 --> 00:02:05,530
There is no need to get worried.
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00:02:05,555 --> 00:02:07,834
Unless the school board
has to cut our budget
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00:02:07,859 --> 00:02:09,899
and start firing teachers. Which is likely.
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00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:11,091
What?
65
00:02:11,116 --> 00:02:13,346
Guys, relax. I'm sure, if you get fired,
66
00:02:13,371 --> 00:02:15,701
there's, like, a fancy
severance package or, like,
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a golden parachutey thing like the CEOs.
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It's probably better. (Carl clears throat)
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Nope.
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What?
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00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,530
Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
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Nah-nah,
nah-nah
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I am a fascination
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I'm here to blow your mind
75
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I'll give 'em education
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Give me the wine and dine
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Hey!
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Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah
79
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Nah-nah,
nah, nah-nah!
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(MAN) Yo!
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Want to cook?
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He's coming. Principal Carl's coming.
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Okay... if you guys are
good for Principal Carl,
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that is 50 Nixon Bucks
85
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:02,100
for each of you.
86
00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:03,600
Okay? You can use it at the school store
87
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,000
and you can get, you know, whatever
88
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,370
you kids want. What do you kids want?
89
00:03:06,370 --> 00:03:07,753
Are my parents to get back together.
90
00:03:07,778 --> 00:03:10,734
Hum. Let's talk after class.
'Cause maybe I can counsel your dad.
91
00:03:10,759 --> 00:03:12,459
Uh, guys, that board is
not gonna move itself.
92
00:03:12,510 --> 00:03:13,540
(clears throat)
93
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Vic... here's 100 for you.
94
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You know what to do. And we're excited...
95
00:03:18,657 --> 00:03:22,057
And that last bit of knowledge
96
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is why America is the greatest
97
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country in the world.
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Because your dreams
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can fly higher than a bald eagle
100
00:03:31,022 --> 00:03:33,622
and your goals can soar
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00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:37,007
above the heroes of Mount Rushmore.
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Stop.
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(chuckling) Oh, my God.
104
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Principal Carl! I am so embarrassed.
105
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I had just no idea
106
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you would be here at this exact moment.
107
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Anyway, we are just having
108
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a totally normal class.
109
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And Victor was just about
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to discuss our next chapter.
111
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One of the greatest frustrations
for the American colonies
112
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was taxation by the British.
113
00:04:01,522 --> 00:04:02,682
So, is he teaching class?
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00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:05,169
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's something I read about
115
00:04:05,194 --> 00:04:06,394
in Good Teacher magazine.
116
00:04:06,467 --> 00:04:07,897
What's the technique called?
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It's called the Student...
118
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Mm-hmm.
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"Makes... the...
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Learning... Happen ""
121
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Mm-hmm.
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(MEREDITH) Irene! I have been looking
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for you everywhere.
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Can you cover my class this afternoon?
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I have so many papers to grade.
And I just get better work
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00:04:30,393 --> 00:04:31,980
done at the spa. It's so quiet there.
127
00:04:31,990 --> 00:04:34,390
Oh, yeah. It's my off period anyway, so...
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00:04:34,390 --> 00:04:36,414
- Great.
- (IRENE) You know, I haven't
129
00:04:36,439 --> 00:04:37,809
heard from you yet on that Evite
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00:04:37,834 --> 00:04:39,218
for my sister's birthday party.
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00:04:39,295 --> 00:04:42,588
You do not want to miss it. Says
she's getting out of bed this year.
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00:04:42,764 --> 00:04:45,034
Yeah, I'm still figuring out my schedule.
133
00:04:45,059 --> 00:04:46,729
And my car is in the shop, and...
134
00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:48,754
Oh, speaking of which, can you
give me a ride to school tomorrow?
135
00:04:48,925 --> 00:04:51,365
- No problem.
- Okay, great.
136
00:04:51,365 --> 00:04:53,602
Um... we love Meredith,
137
00:04:53,688 --> 00:04:56,248
but your relationship with her seems...
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00:04:56,365 --> 00:04:57,765
unfair.
139
00:04:57,775 --> 00:04:59,475
I don't understand. What are you saying?
140
00:04:59,475 --> 00:05:01,075
Does she ever bring you breakfast?
141
00:05:01,075 --> 00:05:02,353
Or give you rides?
142
00:05:02,378 --> 00:05:03,678
Or have you over to her place?
143
00:05:03,703 --> 00:05:05,103
Oh, yeah, well, I was just over there
144
00:05:05,128 --> 00:05:06,928
for a hand laundry and ironing party.
145
00:05:06,975 --> 00:05:10,385
Good thing I was, too, or
nobody would have shown up.
146
00:05:12,071 --> 00:05:14,355
Oh... okay. Okay.
147
00:05:14,355 --> 00:05:16,513
Hey, the day's almost over.
You gonna make it to the gym,
148
00:05:16,538 --> 00:05:17,938
give me a little pre-evaluation feedback?
149
00:05:18,331 --> 00:05:21,282
Nope. Just make sure the
dodge balls are inflated
150
00:05:21,307 --> 00:05:23,277
and nobody's bleeding. You'll do just fine.
151
00:05:23,302 --> 00:05:25,702
Well, I mean, physical
education is-is more than that.
152
00:05:25,795 --> 00:05:28,569
And you know I've been petitioning
to get raises for the coaches
153
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- so that we can do a lot...
- Joel.
154
00:05:30,619 --> 00:05:32,249
The kids love gym.
155
00:05:32,274 --> 00:05:34,144
But let's not overstate its value.
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00:05:34,289 --> 00:05:36,959
You're kind of like a
glorified recess supervisor,
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00:05:36,984 --> 00:05:38,614
except recess supervisors make more money.
158
00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:40,162
Well, I know, that's why I'm fighting...
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00:05:40,187 --> 00:05:42,945
Joel. I failed one class in my life.
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That was gym. Because I
couldn't climb a dumb rope.
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00:05:45,955 --> 00:05:49,209
But who cares? I still went to Stanford.
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00:05:49,234 --> 00:05:51,134
Still have my dream job...
163
00:05:51,195 --> 00:05:52,655
and my student loans.
164
00:05:52,655 --> 00:05:54,895
But in six years, I
will be free and clear...
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00:05:54,895 --> 00:05:56,265
of the interest.
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The point is this:
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Gym is the least of my concerns.
Now, keep up the good work.
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00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:03,665
(sighs)
169
00:06:10,075 --> 00:06:12,305
Whatever you're doing
better be school-related.
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It is, unlike all those "missing
cat" fliers you printed last week.
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00:06:15,471 --> 00:06:18,094
Not only did I never find Noodles,
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but thanks to you, the last image
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I have of her was a
black-and-white photocopy
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with a red penis drawn on it.
175
00:06:23,225 --> 00:06:26,381
Oh, I'm guessing that was the first
penis you'd seen in a long time, huh?
176
00:06:26,406 --> 00:06:28,476
Good luck with district evaluations.
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You've heard the expression
178
00:06:29,896 --> 00:06:31,256
"last in, first out," right?
179
00:06:31,281 --> 00:06:33,041
Only in regards to threesomes.
180
00:06:34,165 --> 00:06:35,895
What do you got there?
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What, you're counterfeiting Nixon Bucks?
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00:06:37,966 --> 00:06:39,226
Are you bribing the students?
183
00:06:39,236 --> 00:06:41,636
- Geez.
- "Bribing" is such an ugly word.
184
00:06:41,636 --> 00:06:43,271
But yeah, I am. (scoffs)
185
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Have you ever heard of the phrase
186
00:06:45,096 --> 00:06:46,513
"last in, first out"?
187
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,430
Yeah. It means, like,
the first person fired
188
00:06:48,430 --> 00:06:50,430
is usually the most
"last recent person hired.
189
00:06:51,987 --> 00:06:53,457
Good afternoon.
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00:06:53,482 --> 00:06:55,012
I just finished my classroom visits,
191
00:06:55,310 --> 00:06:57,385
and I am not gonna lie to you.
192
00:06:57,410 --> 00:06:58,710
I am nervous.
193
00:06:58,710 --> 00:07:01,637
But hopefully, you'll all
rally to save your jobs.
194
00:07:01,769 --> 00:07:03,509
Everyone was a little weak,
195
00:07:03,534 --> 00:07:04,934
with one exception.
196
00:07:06,580 --> 00:07:08,120
Meredith Davis. Congratulations.
197
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:09,780
What? Meredith?
198
00:07:10,879 --> 00:07:13,109
Thank you. Oh!
199
00:07:13,260 --> 00:07:15,744
(scattered applause)
200
00:07:15,799 --> 00:07:17,308
Principal Carl,
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00:07:17,333 --> 00:07:20,092
I have always had the highest evaluations.
202
00:07:20,117 --> 00:07:22,426
I have been Teacher of the
Year for nine years running.
203
00:07:22,451 --> 00:07:24,270
I don't mean to add to
the awkwardness, Ginny,
204
00:07:24,270 --> 00:07:25,500
but due to the new criteria,
205
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:26,800
you had the lowest rating.
206
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,070
Oh, God.
207
00:07:28,070 --> 00:07:31,394
(CARL) You're an amazing teacher, but
you're just not holding their interest.
208
00:07:31,419 --> 00:07:33,602
But I have an idea. Meredith?
209
00:07:33,627 --> 00:07:34,867
What would you think about
210
00:07:34,892 --> 00:07:37,562
sitting in on Ginny's history class?
211
00:07:37,587 --> 00:07:38,947
Giving her some pointers,
212
00:07:38,972 --> 00:07:40,902
how to liven things up?
213
00:07:41,150 --> 00:07:43,950
Well... well, gosh, I'd be honored.
214
00:07:43,950 --> 00:07:45,117
Thank you for that.
215
00:07:45,142 --> 00:07:46,872
I would just love
216
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:48,860
to help out my lowest-achieving,
217
00:07:48,860 --> 00:07:53,249
most under-performing, worst
colleague be a little bit less awful.
218
00:07:53,530 --> 00:07:55,130
You know...
219
00:07:55,130 --> 00:07:57,900
maybe the last one in
220
00:07:57,900 --> 00:08:00,370
pushes the first one out.
221
00:08:02,684 --> 00:08:04,154
(IRENE) I'm sorry for the mess.
222
00:08:04,179 --> 00:08:05,909
Haven't had a passenger in a while.
223
00:08:05,934 --> 00:08:07,294
At least not a two-legged one.
224
00:08:07,294 --> 00:08:09,064
Hum, where's my coffee?
225
00:08:09,064 --> 00:08:11,264
Okay, I wanted to talk to
you about something, Meredith.
226
00:08:11,264 --> 00:08:13,034
You know how
227
00:08:13,034 --> 00:08:15,304
intestinal helminths
siphon blood and nutrients
228
00:08:15,304 --> 00:08:16,934
from their host organisms?
229
00:08:16,944 --> 00:08:19,174
I'd be following this a
lot closer if I had coffee.
230
00:08:19,174 --> 00:08:20,974
Okay, do you know what a parasite is?
231
00:08:20,974 --> 00:08:23,702
Parasites are not just
hookworms, flukes or barnacles.
232
00:08:23,727 --> 00:08:26,244
I mean, any species can be a parasite.
233
00:08:26,254 --> 00:08:27,463
Even humans.
234
00:08:27,488 --> 00:08:29,060
Do you have anything to eat in here?
235
00:08:29,093 --> 00:08:31,006
But other organisms,
236
00:08:31,031 --> 00:08:32,561
like undersea tube worms,
237
00:08:32,586 --> 00:08:34,616
or like digestive bacteria, for example,
238
00:08:34,924 --> 00:08:37,494
those have symbiotic relationships.
239
00:08:37,494 --> 00:08:39,824
Where they both buy each other coffee.
240
00:08:39,834 --> 00:08:41,694
Meredith, do you
understand what I'm saying?
241
00:08:41,694 --> 00:08:43,134
(gasps) Yes!
242
00:08:43,134 --> 00:08:44,304
Oh. Great.
243
00:08:44,304 --> 00:08:45,734
I found something.
244
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:47,934
Yeah... Okay.
245
00:08:47,934 --> 00:08:52,974
So I know it's not your thing,
but I want to go to this exhibit
246
00:08:52,974 --> 00:08:54,674
where you see dead bodies in motion.
247
00:08:54,674 --> 00:08:56,474
Oh, I'm still totally
248
00:08:56,484 --> 00:08:58,014
trying to figure out my schedule, so...
249
00:08:58,014 --> 00:08:59,384
Okay. No, you're not.
250
00:08:59,384 --> 00:09:01,011
And it's what I want to do.
251
00:09:01,036 --> 00:09:03,096
After school, today, with you.
252
00:09:03,599 --> 00:09:05,359
Fine. But next week after school,
253
00:09:05,384 --> 00:09:07,662
I want to go to traffic court with you...
254
00:09:07,687 --> 00:09:09,635
as my witness. I need you to say that
255
00:09:09,660 --> 00:09:10,930
I was not blocking that driveway,
256
00:09:10,955 --> 00:09:12,125
and that that fire truck
257
00:09:12,150 --> 00:09:13,839
could have easily gone around me.
258
00:09:13,864 --> 00:09:16,964
Okay. It's a symbiotic deal. Great.
259
00:09:16,964 --> 00:09:18,664
After years of war,
260
00:09:18,664 --> 00:09:20,534
starvation and sickness,
261
00:09:20,534 --> 00:09:23,504
the South surrendered,
bringing a decisive end to...
262
00:09:23,504 --> 00:09:24,974
(exaggerated snoring)
263
00:09:24,974 --> 00:09:27,174
Excuse me.
264
00:09:28,196 --> 00:09:30,566
You think a war that divided our nation
265
00:09:30,591 --> 00:09:32,286
and pitted brother
against brother is boring?
266
00:09:32,311 --> 00:09:33,697
The way you're teaching it.
267
00:09:33,722 --> 00:09:35,925
Well, I'm not gonna take
teaching advice from a woman
268
00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:37,580
who taught her class
that President Garfield
269
00:09:37,605 --> 00:09:39,735
loved lasagna. Can you
prove that he didn't?
270
00:09:39,794 --> 00:09:41,585
I don't know what your problem is with me.
271
00:09:41,610 --> 00:09:43,525
I don't know what your problem is with me.
272
00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:46,250
(school bell ringing) Dismissed!
273
00:09:47,194 --> 00:09:49,743
And how are things going in here?
274
00:09:49,768 --> 00:09:51,868
I can't help her. She's too uptight.
275
00:09:52,202 --> 00:09:55,202
I'm too uptight? Well,
you're too down-loose!
276
00:09:55,304 --> 00:09:57,074
I-I mean, you're loose down there.
277
00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:59,304
Okay. Well, maybe this
wasn't such a good idea.
278
00:09:59,329 --> 00:10:02,867
No, it's a great idea... 'cause now I can
take over her class when she gets fired.
279
00:10:02,892 --> 00:10:05,784
Principal Carl, do you see what
I have been putting up with?
280
00:10:05,784 --> 00:10:08,044
(snoring) And she keeps
making those noises!
281
00:10:08,054 --> 00:10:09,914
Actually, I think that was Kim.
282
00:10:09,924 --> 00:10:11,054
(snores)
283
00:10:11,054 --> 00:10:12,864
Kim!
284
00:10:12,874 --> 00:10:17,069
(JOEL) All right, come on, guys,
come on! Pull! You got this! Pull!
285
00:10:18,064 --> 00:10:20,399
(grunts) Oh, almost!
286
00:10:20,424 --> 00:10:21,809
I really thought you were
gonna get me that time.
287
00:10:21,834 --> 00:10:23,134
All right, back up. Come on.
288
00:10:23,134 --> 00:10:24,284
Okay, Joel. I get it.
289
00:10:24,309 --> 00:10:26,544
You're an inspiration to us all.
290
00:10:26,569 --> 00:10:27,944
Is that why you called me here?
291
00:10:27,969 --> 00:10:30,009
Because I have things to
do and this place smells
292
00:10:30,034 --> 00:10:32,016
like the inside of my old Malcolm X cap.
293
00:10:32,041 --> 00:10:33,371
I got something for you.
294
00:10:33,514 --> 00:10:35,244
I found the old P.E. rope and hung it up.
295
00:10:35,244 --> 00:10:37,974
Well, I had the janitor hang it
up, but I told him where to put it.
296
00:10:37,984 --> 00:10:39,990
Now I'm gonna teach you
how to get up that rope.
297
00:10:40,015 --> 00:10:42,515
Yeah, but I can't climb.
That's why I failed gym.
298
00:10:42,591 --> 00:10:44,021
I can get you up that rope.
299
00:10:44,053 --> 00:10:46,374
Yeah, but I don't want to
get up that rope. I am fine.
300
00:10:46,399 --> 00:10:48,403
Are you fine? You fine, Carl?
301
00:10:48,428 --> 00:10:50,798
'Cause, um, you're
house-sitting for your ex, right?
302
00:10:50,823 --> 00:10:52,993
What does house-sitting have
to do with climbing a rope?
303
00:10:53,018 --> 00:10:54,988
Carl, why do people run marathons?
304
00:10:55,013 --> 00:10:57,113
It's not for the blue toenails
and the bloody nipples, right?
305
00:10:57,164 --> 00:10:59,104
It's to prove to themselves that they can
306
00:10:59,104 --> 00:11:01,004
accomplish something that seems impossible.
307
00:11:01,004 --> 00:11:02,474
Like saying no to Carla.
308
00:11:02,474 --> 00:11:04,334
You don't understand.
I can't say no to her.
309
00:11:04,344 --> 00:11:05,921
She was my life!
310
00:11:07,421 --> 00:11:09,044
Carl, my job is to inspire kids.
311
00:11:09,044 --> 00:11:11,214
Or adults who are scared to do kid things.
312
00:11:11,214 --> 00:11:12,484
I take my job very seriously.
313
00:11:12,484 --> 00:11:13,790
Now, get up that rope! Come on!
314
00:11:13,815 --> 00:11:15,575
I can't!
315
00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:19,899
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
316
00:11:20,254 --> 00:11:24,194
And Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln!
317
00:11:24,194 --> 00:11:25,824
(student coughing)
318
00:11:25,824 --> 00:11:27,497
That was engaging, right?
319
00:11:27,522 --> 00:11:29,292
(gasps) Victor, good job.
320
00:11:29,317 --> 00:11:31,217
Your handwriting's so much less girly.
321
00:11:31,242 --> 00:11:33,172
I've been trying. Yeah?
322
00:11:33,197 --> 00:11:35,137
Proud of you!
323
00:11:35,704 --> 00:11:36,678
What do you want?
324
00:11:36,703 --> 00:11:39,063
Oh, you're giving a test. Never mind.
325
00:11:39,144 --> 00:11:40,304
Hmm.
326
00:11:40,304 --> 00:11:42,474
What, are yo spying on me now?
327
00:11:42,474 --> 00:11:44,191
No. Just forget it, okay?
328
00:11:44,216 --> 00:11:46,614
Well, if you're not spying on
me, then what are you doing?
329
00:11:46,614 --> 00:11:47,914
You'll just make fun of me.
330
00:11:47,914 --> 00:11:49,014
Probably. Go on.
331
00:11:49,014 --> 00:11:50,714
I don't like you.
332
00:11:50,724 --> 00:11:51,914
Feeling is mutual.
333
00:11:51,924 --> 00:11:54,654
But you are good with the students.
334
00:11:54,654 --> 00:11:55,654
Yeah, I know.
335
00:11:55,654 --> 00:11:57,794
I'm worried about the evaluations.
336
00:11:57,794 --> 00:11:58,854
And?
337
00:11:58,864 --> 00:12:01,294
I need your help.
338
00:12:01,294 --> 00:12:02,564
Why would I help you?
339
00:12:02,564 --> 00:12:05,294
Well, how does a free drink sound?
340
00:12:05,304 --> 00:12:08,164
Like the most exciting night of your life
341
00:12:08,174 --> 00:12:11,374
and the most boring night of mine.
342
00:12:11,374 --> 00:12:13,974
But maybe you're actually
tolerable when you're drunk.
343
00:12:13,974 --> 00:12:16,414
So, okay.
344
00:12:23,452 --> 00:12:24,542
What are the balloons for?
345
00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:26,500
Oh, so Meredith and I can find each other
346
00:12:26,624 --> 00:12:28,124
at the museum in case we get separated.
347
00:12:28,124 --> 00:12:29,484
Like at that beach clean-up trip
348
00:12:29,494 --> 00:12:31,254
when she ended up on that rich guy's boat.
349
00:12:31,264 --> 00:12:33,094
That was a close one.
350
00:12:33,094 --> 00:12:36,494
Well, I saw Meredith go over to
Juanita's with Ms. Taylor-Clapp.
351
00:12:36,494 --> 00:12:39,194
Yeah, but we're supposed to
be seeing dead bodies together.
352
00:12:46,439 --> 00:12:49,244
Whoa, who knew that you would
be able to keep up with me?
353
00:12:49,244 --> 00:12:51,171
Well, there's a lot
you don't know about me.
354
00:12:51,196 --> 00:12:53,979
Did you know that I like tight
ponytails and cardigan sweaters?
355
00:12:54,004 --> 00:12:57,187
Those are literally the
only things I know about you.
356
00:12:57,954 --> 00:13:01,284
Okay, so, what do you want
to know about teaching?
357
00:13:01,284 --> 00:13:05,754
Well, how do you "engage the kids"?
358
00:13:05,764 --> 00:13:06,924
I bribe 'em.
359
00:13:06,924 --> 00:13:09,364
(laughs) What...?
360
00:13:09,364 --> 00:13:12,494
I know that I'm really
good at talking to the kids.
361
00:13:12,504 --> 00:13:15,334
Like, maybe even a genius at it.
362
00:13:16,046 --> 00:13:19,304
You know, I never expected
to be anything other than
363
00:13:19,304 --> 00:13:22,360
an exceptionally hot woman
with universal sex appeal,
364
00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:24,677
and I certainly never expected
365
00:13:24,884 --> 00:13:27,314
to be even remotely good at teaching.
366
00:13:27,314 --> 00:13:31,654
But look at me. Here I am teaching you.
367
00:13:31,654 --> 00:13:33,114
(both laugh)
368
00:13:33,139 --> 00:13:34,799
(GINNY) Yes, you are!
369
00:13:35,094 --> 00:13:36,384
(MEREDITH) And actually,
370
00:13:36,394 --> 00:13:38,254
I really think that I'm gonna kill
371
00:13:38,254 --> 00:13:39,924
at these evaluations tomorrow.
372
00:13:39,924 --> 00:13:41,386
And thank God, right?
373
00:13:41,411 --> 00:13:44,471
Because it's so scary that
just one bad review could
374
00:13:44,496 --> 00:13:45,806
cost you your job, you know?
375
00:13:45,831 --> 00:13:47,331
(GINNY) I know.
376
00:13:48,104 --> 00:13:49,104
Another round?
377
00:13:49,104 --> 00:13:52,774
Anothers... round.
378
00:13:52,774 --> 00:13:55,144
Mm-hmm!
379
00:13:57,444 --> 00:13:58,844
Same thing?
380
00:13:58,844 --> 00:14:01,784
Vodka soda with lime and a water with lime.
381
00:14:07,469 --> 00:14:09,254
CARL (over P.A.) Good
morning, Nixon Quakers!
382
00:14:09,254 --> 00:14:12,211
Just a reminder, today is evaluation day.
383
00:14:12,236 --> 00:14:15,636
So, hopefully, everyone's
at their very Nixon best.
384
00:14:15,834 --> 00:14:17,494
(sighs)
385
00:14:17,494 --> 00:14:19,164
Oh, crap.
386
00:14:20,616 --> 00:14:23,103
Okay, so I think we better
start without Meredith.
387
00:14:23,403 --> 00:14:25,073
Hopefully, she was just in a car accident.
388
00:14:25,394 --> 00:14:28,872
So, the evaluator
arrived a few minutes ago,
389
00:14:28,897 --> 00:14:32,127
and he has informed me
that we will have our scores
390
00:14:32,152 --> 00:14:33,544
by the end of the day.
391
00:14:33,569 --> 00:14:34,799
So good luck, everyone.
392
00:14:34,939 --> 00:14:36,879
No luck needed, Principal Carl.
393
00:14:37,074 --> 00:14:38,304
All right.
394
00:14:38,304 --> 00:14:40,404
Your ex-wife called, and she asked
395
00:14:40,404 --> 00:14:41,762
that while you're house-sitting,
396
00:14:41,787 --> 00:14:44,447
that you sleep on the pull-out
couch, but don't pull it out
397
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:46,279
'cause it leaves marks on the carpet.
398
00:14:46,584 --> 00:14:47,985
Got it.
399
00:14:48,010 --> 00:14:49,840
Do you want me to get
her on the phone for you?
400
00:14:49,984 --> 00:14:51,541
Not yet.
401
00:15:00,324 --> 00:15:02,264
Coach Kotsky...
402
00:15:02,264 --> 00:15:03,905
get me up that rope.
403
00:15:05,489 --> 00:15:07,529
(clears throat)
404
00:15:07,904 --> 00:15:10,530
Oh, my God, Irene, thank
God. Is that for me?
405
00:15:10,555 --> 00:15:12,195
I saw you with Ginny.
406
00:15:12,220 --> 00:15:13,950
- She needed me.
- I needed you!
407
00:15:13,975 --> 00:15:16,781
They don't let singles into the dead
body exhibit for obvious reasons.
408
00:15:16,806 --> 00:15:18,723
Okay, well, I meant to text you
409
00:15:18,748 --> 00:15:20,248
that I was "coming down with something,"
410
00:15:20,273 --> 00:15:22,643
and then she and I got
so drunk, I just forgot.
411
00:15:22,765 --> 00:15:25,035
Really? Ginny doesn't even drink.
412
00:15:25,184 --> 00:15:26,223
Wait... what?
413
00:15:26,248 --> 00:15:27,548
Yeah, not even champagne.
414
00:15:27,573 --> 00:15:29,243
She celebrates stuff with corked milk.
415
00:15:29,268 --> 00:15:32,168
That sneaky bitch must have
been ordering herself waters!
416
00:15:32,364 --> 00:15:35,593
We cannot let her win.
Irene, you have to help me.
417
00:15:35,692 --> 00:15:37,592
You know, I didn't want to believe it,
418
00:15:37,694 --> 00:15:39,494
but you are a parasite.
419
00:15:43,834 --> 00:15:45,635
Yo, Pfaff!
420
00:15:45,717 --> 00:15:49,117
Can you, um, tell me when
that evaluator guy is coming?
421
00:15:49,429 --> 00:15:51,299
I will make it worth your while.
422
00:15:51,526 --> 00:15:53,126
Those things are worthless now.
423
00:15:53,151 --> 00:15:55,743
There was a hyperinflation
at the school store, and...
424
00:15:55,768 --> 00:15:57,308
Shh! I get it, I get it.
425
00:15:57,333 --> 00:15:58,893
(knocking)
426
00:15:58,918 --> 00:16:00,261
Ms. Davis?
427
00:16:00,304 --> 00:16:03,064
(chuckles) You must be the evaluator.
428
00:16:03,376 --> 00:16:07,929
Well, I just didn't realize
how sexy you would be.
429
00:16:07,954 --> 00:16:10,184
I'm Mr. Bright, the district supervisor,
430
00:16:10,209 --> 00:16:12,569
and I'm completely aware
that my looks are average.
431
00:16:12,901 --> 00:16:15,401
Uh-uh. That's okay.
432
00:16:15,504 --> 00:16:19,674
I know you must be thinking,
"District supervisor.
433
00:16:19,699 --> 00:16:21,729
"Kind of like a superhero.
434
00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:23,480
A little intimidating."
435
00:16:23,505 --> 00:16:25,105
Well, just relax.
436
00:16:25,130 --> 00:16:27,470
I'm-I'm a regular guy, believe it or not.
437
00:16:27,495 --> 00:16:29,364
And I'm here to watch a regular class.
438
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:31,749
Great. So happy to have you. Welcome.
439
00:16:32,050 --> 00:16:35,080
We're gonna get started
with this thing I do
440
00:16:35,105 --> 00:16:37,175
where a student teaches the class.
441
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,986
You're gonna love it. Victor,
442
00:16:39,073 --> 00:16:41,243
floor is yours.
443
00:16:41,564 --> 00:16:43,024
Today, I will talk about why
444
00:16:43,034 --> 00:16:45,444
the American colonies
declared independence.
445
00:16:45,469 --> 00:16:48,039
Oh, okay, young man, have a seat.
446
00:16:48,434 --> 00:16:50,957
Ms. Davis, I can't do my job unless
447
00:16:50,982 --> 00:16:52,642
you're the one doing the teaching.
448
00:16:52,667 --> 00:16:54,597
(laughs)
449
00:16:54,874 --> 00:16:56,074
You're funny.
450
00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:57,792
It wasn't a joke.
451
00:16:57,817 --> 00:17:00,237
You'll know when I'm joking.
You'll be in stitches.
452
00:17:00,414 --> 00:17:02,385
Sorry, was that a joke?
453
00:17:05,263 --> 00:17:07,954
I'm gonna need you to teach this class now.
454
00:17:09,345 --> 00:17:12,185
Joel, this is impossible! I'm too high!
455
00:17:12,294 --> 00:17:14,254
No, come on, Carl! You
got this, baby! Keep going!
456
00:17:14,264 --> 00:17:16,068
Oh, I can't!
457
00:17:16,093 --> 00:17:18,369
Oh, I quit! Oh, no, no, no!
458
00:17:18,394 --> 00:17:20,154
Remember, it's just scoop and stomp!
459
00:17:20,179 --> 00:17:22,219
Scoop, okay? And stomp.
460
00:17:22,504 --> 00:17:25,874
Then you stand. Scoop and stomp, all right?
461
00:17:25,874 --> 00:17:27,904
You got this. Come on. Look up there, Carl.
462
00:17:27,904 --> 00:17:29,777
What do you see? A wasp nest?
463
00:17:29,802 --> 00:17:31,702
No, freedom. Now, climb
up there and grab it.
464
00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:33,307
Just watch out for the wasps
465
00:17:33,332 --> 00:17:35,527
because, you know, Coach
Donnie sold our first-aid kit.
466
00:17:35,552 --> 00:17:36,614
Okay.
467
00:17:36,614 --> 00:17:40,309
Well, so, basically,
like, long story short,
468
00:17:40,405 --> 00:17:42,945
the American colonies were paying
469
00:17:43,024 --> 00:17:48,124
all these taxes to the king
and getting nothing in return.
470
00:17:48,124 --> 00:17:50,664
Like, nothing...
471
00:17:50,664 --> 00:17:53,092
at all. Like, zilch.
472
00:17:53,307 --> 00:17:55,860
Okay, I think we get it.
Would you please move on?
473
00:17:55,885 --> 00:17:57,515
Sure, yeah-yeah. No,
I was just about to get
474
00:17:57,540 --> 00:18:01,227
to the next point, which was that...
that the king was like, "Uh-uh, denied!
475
00:18:01,355 --> 00:18:03,555
No way, Jose."
476
00:18:03,580 --> 00:18:09,962
(chuckles) So, Mr. Evaluator,
it was, like, a pretty sucky time
477
00:18:10,054 --> 00:18:11,744
for the colonists.
478
00:18:11,754 --> 00:18:13,554
Um...
479
00:18:16,324 --> 00:18:18,912
Oh, because the king was a parasite.
480
00:18:18,937 --> 00:18:22,047
You know, something that
lives off another thing?
481
00:18:22,072 --> 00:18:27,942
The king was like a hookworm
on the intestine of America.
482
00:18:28,134 --> 00:18:31,004
And the colonists were, like, totally right
483
00:18:31,004 --> 00:18:32,934
to want to declare independence, you know?
484
00:18:32,934 --> 00:18:35,804
Because all they really wanted
485
00:18:35,804 --> 00:18:38,809
was a symbiotic relationship.
486
00:18:41,319 --> 00:18:42,995
Can you name another parasite?
487
00:18:43,020 --> 00:18:44,232
Illegal immigrants.
488
00:18:44,257 --> 00:18:47,387
(laughs) What?! He's joking.
489
00:18:47,412 --> 00:18:48,957
He's joke... he's joking.
490
00:18:48,982 --> 00:18:51,312
(Carl grunts loudly) Stand up! Yeah!
491
00:18:51,337 --> 00:18:54,237
I'm doing it! I am doing it!
492
00:18:54,262 --> 00:18:55,492
See? This is why I do this.
493
00:18:55,517 --> 00:18:56,957
This is what I wanted you to evaluate.
494
00:18:56,982 --> 00:18:58,142
I get it. I do.
495
00:18:58,167 --> 00:19:00,897
Physical education does matter, right?
496
00:19:02,664 --> 00:19:05,164
Hoops have nets. Good enough.
497
00:19:05,174 --> 00:19:06,333
(stammering)
498
00:19:06,358 --> 00:19:07,628
Oh, come on. Really?
499
00:19:07,653 --> 00:19:09,723
Okay, all right, I'm calling Carla.
500
00:19:13,645 --> 00:19:15,145
I got here voice mail.
501
00:19:15,170 --> 00:19:16,170
Leave a message.
502
00:19:16,195 --> 00:19:17,965
Hello, Carla? This is Carl.
503
00:19:18,284 --> 00:19:21,472
I'm calling to tell you to get
yourself a new house-sitter.
504
00:19:21,552 --> 00:19:23,082
And dog-sitter.
505
00:19:23,107 --> 00:19:24,737
I'm busy with my new life.
506
00:19:24,762 --> 00:19:26,122
I climb ropes now.
507
00:19:26,147 --> 00:19:28,487
Okay, now, get on down here
so we can celebrate! Come on!
508
00:19:28,512 --> 00:19:30,582
Oh! (kids gasp)
509
00:19:31,064 --> 00:19:32,321
Ladies and gentlemen,
510
00:19:32,346 --> 00:19:34,686
the district evaluator's results are in,
511
00:19:34,894 --> 00:19:36,806
and Nixon Middle...
512
00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:39,337
needs improvement! Your jobs are safe!
513
00:19:39,362 --> 00:19:41,032
(teachers laugh)
514
00:19:41,057 --> 00:19:43,927
Doug Pilaf, math department.
What about the budget cuts?
515
00:19:43,952 --> 00:19:45,622
I just heard from the superintendent,
516
00:19:45,647 --> 00:19:47,394
and they're still making cuts.
517
00:19:47,419 --> 00:19:49,859
They're getting rid of the
art program at LBJ Middle!
518
00:19:49,884 --> 00:19:51,063
(laughter, cheering)
519
00:19:51,088 --> 00:19:53,688
(laughing) Those smug bastards! Yeah!
520
00:19:58,341 --> 00:20:00,641
Meredith, uh...
521
00:20:01,094 --> 00:20:02,587
I really liked your parasites lecture.
522
00:20:02,612 --> 00:20:04,052
Oh, thanks. And, you know, if you want
523
00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:05,807
to go see dead bodies, like, we can.
524
00:20:05,966 --> 00:20:07,466
Oh, no, no. It was... it was just more
525
00:20:07,491 --> 00:20:08,521
about spending time together.
526
00:20:08,546 --> 00:20:10,776
Dead bodies, just a bonus.
527
00:20:13,629 --> 00:20:16,113
Oh, look. How was your water last night?
528
00:20:16,138 --> 00:20:18,422
I didn't force you to drink so much vodka
529
00:20:18,447 --> 00:20:21,430
or to make out with that poster of
"The Most Interesting Man in the World."
530
00:20:21,455 --> 00:20:24,422
No, you didn't, but you did
try to sabotage my evaluation.
531
00:20:24,504 --> 00:20:27,004
Which means you were scared I
was gonna do better than you.
532
00:20:27,029 --> 00:20:30,573
Which means... someone
thinks I'm a good teacher.
533
00:20:30,598 --> 00:20:31,668
No, I don't.
534
00:20:31,693 --> 00:20:32,893
Boom!
535
00:20:33,290 --> 00:20:34,426
(hushed) I do.
536
00:20:34,451 --> 00:20:35,490
Kim!
537
00:20:37,467 --> 00:20:40,610
This is definitely the best hand laundry
and ironing party you have ever had.
538
00:20:40,635 --> 00:20:43,344
I know. Irene, you were so right.
539
00:20:43,369 --> 00:20:45,629
This is so much more fun being equals.
540
00:20:45,977 --> 00:20:47,767
(clears throat) Refill?
541
00:20:47,792 --> 00:20:49,692
Don't mind if I do.
542
00:20:50,051 --> 00:20:51,539
Kim, another round!
543
00:20:51,790 --> 00:20:55,238
Sure. But... I think I shrunk your sweater.
544
00:20:55,239 --> 00:20:57,099
- Both: Kim!
- Coming right up.
545
00:20:57,100 --> 00:20:59,220
- ***
- ***
546
00:20:59,221 --> 00:21:00,947
- Kim!
- Kim!
547
00:21:01,521 --> 00:21:09,717
Synced By YesCool Corrected by ovelheiro
www.addic7ed.com
548
00:21:09,767 --> 00:21:14,317
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Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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