All language subtitles for Scrubs - 04x17 - My Life In Four Cameras

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Things were amazing with Kylie, but
before I could get emotionally invested,

I needed answers
to some very important questions.

Name three spin-offs
of the sitcom Happy Days.

Mork and Mindy, Laverne and Shirley,
and Joanie loves Chachi.

You marry her. You marry her now.
You marry her!

OK! We passed section one,

"Sitcoms about or involving
Asian-American diner owners".

Now onto section two.

"Fat, tubby TV husbands

and the hot women that would
never actually marry them".

Hey, we're missing Sanford and Son.

- What?
- Yes!

Turk was freaked out.
Carla neverjoins us

on Sanford and Son or Cheers night.

I think she was feeling romantically
competitive with Kylie and me.

Woman, woman! I am not a lollipop!

Quiet down now

It is time to watch the show

Yes, it started

Don't be licking me no more

Matter of fact
Could you get me a handiwipe?

Carla certainly tried
to be as adorable as us.

Darn it! You won.

Unfortunately,
Turk wasn't on the same wavelength.

Do you see what you get, Carla?

Do you see what you get
when you mess with the warrior!

Yes!

Ten to 9.00!

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Kylie's in class all day
and bartends at night,

and I'm still pulling 16-hour shifts,

so we try to make sure
we kiss once a day.

Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays,
she takes a cab here.

Tuesdays and Thursdays...
I scooter to my baby

Honey...

...I haven't fuffied in bed in,
like, a week.

With 27 deaths so far, this strain
of E. Coli from tainted meat is serious.

So if you're a big meat-eater,
be careful.

We were upset because when the media
reports on a weird health crisis,

everyone who sees it
thinks they have it.

Oh, not so bad.
It's only a few people here.

OK, OK, everybody just shut up!

Thank you. Now, who's first?

There's one positive
when things like this happen...

I love medicine!

Grandma, that's my no-fly zone.

Dr Cox! We're having
a bit of a crisis here.

I see that. It seems you two
have worn the same outfit.

Barbie, if it's of any consolation,
it looks slightly better on you.

No, I'm talking about all the...

- Thank you.
- Sure.

- What are we supposed to do?
- Loretta, relax.

I've been involved in every
ridiculous TV-induced panic there is.

Poison pills, SARS, West Nile,
North Face, South Fork, East River,

monkey pox, Pop Rocks, toilet snakes,
mad cow, bird flu, swine flu

and, quite frankly, every other flu
that you could really only catch

if you actually fornicate
with the animal it's named for.

As a parting gift, I will tell you this:

Narrow it down to two symptoms,
vomiting and diarrhoea,

because it's just not E. Coli
unless it's firing out both exits.

Sure hope I don't have dog flu.

Mr Bernstein,
do you have vomiting and diarrhoea?

- No.
- No.

- No.
- No.

- No.
- No.

- No.
- OK, then, Mr James, you're free to...

Wait a second. Charles James?

I was watching the Cheers DVD.

- Are you Charles James the writer?
- Yeah, that's me.

Just... stay... calm.

I need to take this man upstairs
for tests.

J. D, don't leave me here.

This is very important!
He may even need a surgical consult.

Norm!

Yeah, I get it.

What are you doing?
No tongue before 10.00.

If J. D and Kylie can make time
for that appointment kiss once a day,

we should be able to do it twice a day.

Love is not a competition.

- OK.
- Make it three times.

- All right. I'll see you at noon?
- Noon.

You youngsters.

If there is one thing I have learned,
it's that you can't schedule love.

Your credit card statement
would beg to differ.

OK, listen up, everyone.
For budgetary reasons,

we are turning the bathrooms on
even-numbered floors into patient rooms.

Floors two and four
are no longer for one or two.

There's still a bathroom on two,
but my joke wouldn't have worked.

Well?

I'm sorry. Please repeat the question.

Are you going to roll over?

That's weird. I asked him
the same thing last night.

Where's the outrage,
the anger, the hate?

Again, last night.

- You've gone soft.
- OK, now it's getting spooky.

Look, you're the only one
who can stand up to Kelso.

Ladies and gentlemen,
allow me to present

man not caring.

OK, Jordan, little help.

If you don't do what she wants,

I'm going to stop having sex with you

and start making love. Love you...

Where is that bastard? Kelso!

- My wife's name's Carla.
- Yeah.

- Like from the show.
- Just like it.

I never met anyone with the
same name as the show's character.

- Really?
- No.

That's understandable.
I mean, there's a lot of Sams.

Excuse me, J. D!

I just spent the last 3 hours
interviewing 212 hypochondriacs,

half didn't speak any English.

Any idea how embarrassing
it is to mime diarrhoea?!

Talk about your Dianes!

Damn! It's kiss time!

Baby.

Baby?

Come here, girl. Right here.

That's where I want it.
I want it right there.

- Where have you been?
- I was up at...

- Gotta go.
- Gotta go.

Bob. Bob.

- Sorry, Madge.
- What do you want, Perry?

Bob, enough with the
stinking budget cuts already.

Noted. Now, if you will excuse me,
I have to fire someone.

Oh, baloney, old man!

I have to cut $27,000
from the cafeteria budget,

and my idea of getting it all back
by charging $100 for a piece of cake

went right out the window when Fat Frank
decided to go on that power diet.

I lost over 230 pounds so far.

- Why does he wear those pants?
- All right. Fair enough.

I got your budget reports.
You don't know who to fire.

Fine. Keep them. You do it.

Watch and learn. I'll do it,

and I'll do it
without firing a single person.

I have to fire someone.

I can't believe you left me alone
for a stupid TV writer!

Is that different from when you hung out
with that weatherman from Channel 4?

The man had a massive heart attack.
I was nothing but professional.

OK, he's stable!
Just take the picture, Carla!

What do you want?

I want you to go in there and tell him
there's no reason for him to be up here.

- How long have you had that cough?
- Oh, a couple months now.

Am I wrong, Elliot, or is that the kind
of cough that needs a chest x-ray?

- Probably.
- Thank you.

- Hey, yo, Turk!
- What's up?

I got a break.
You want to play some ball?

Definitely.

Baby. Yeah, I'm not going
to make our next kiss.

I'm swamped too. Yeah.

Right now I'm helping
Dr Schwartz reset a patient's leg.

I think you got it, Dr Schwartz.

You're a liar!

Oh, for God's sake, Perry,

adjust your bra, man up and fire
the one with the least pathetic story.

Do you think I know
any of these people's stories?

Well, let me fill you in.

First is Hank. Four kids. Trying
to make it on a dishwasher's salary.

Next to him is Mike. Lost half his leg
in a motorcycle accident.

And then there's Judy.
Been here 30 years.

Two away from retirement.

You're friends with all these people?

Are you kidding me? I read their files.

I read everybody's files,
Ms Manic-depressive,

- Dr Drinks-a-lot.
- Hold your horses!

Just tell me who the
last person hired was, please?

Looks like you could use a refresher.

Serving people like you
who save lives every day

makes me happier
than a kitten chasing a leaky cow.

God bless you. God bless you.

- I have to fire Opie, don't I?
- You think?

Metastatic lung cancer?
How was he walking around with this?

At worst, I thought maybe
he had a bad case of bronchitis.

This is going to suck.

Why'd they move me up here?

Mr James,
I'm not quite sure how to say this,

but you have lung cancer.

It was strange telling him
he may only have weeks to live

when a few hours ago,
we all thought he was fine.

It made me realize something.

Whether it was giving
bad news to a patient,

or realizing your relationship
isn't as stable as you thought...

We couldn't even make it one day.

... or having to do
someone else's dirty work...

Say, Kenny?
Can I talk to you for a second?

... there are moments when we all
wish life was more like a sitcom.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, too, sir.

The good news is I won't have to eat
my wife's cooking anymore, right?

J. D's sitcom fantasy will be back
after these messages.

J. D's sitcom fantasy is filmed
in front of a live studio audience.

It's weird. There's so many things
I never got to do in my life,

like go to a carnival
or take a ride in a hot-air balloon.

We can do all that.

We are going
to give you the best day ever.

Elliot, a word?

A hot-air balloon seems kind of
dangerous. I mean, he could get hurt.

What's he going to do, bruise
one of his giant malignant tumours?

Safety is always important, Elliot.

Oh, my God. You're afraid
of balloon rides, aren't you?

It's floating wicker propelled by fire!

Besides, I defy you to find
one other thing that I'm afraid of.

It's mopping time.

It's mopping time.

There he is.

Yes, it's mopping time and,
as you know, I like to start

in the exact spot you're standing.

Let's get to work. Here we go.

Is that my new sweater?

No. This is my new sweater mop.

It went dynamite with my beige cords.

You mean my beige cord sponge?

- You wanted to see me?
- Yeah.

I wanted to tell you that I...
I think you're doing a great job.

Boy, that meatloaf today was...
it was virtually hairless.

I took off the gloves, it makes
the hair a lot easier to pick out.

Get out of here.

Perry, why the hell is he still here?
When I go back down to the cafeteria,

there had better
be only three workers there.

Unless Margaret spits out another kid.
That woman's like a Catholic bunny.

Get it done.

Why? Why am I having
such a hard time with this?

Because apparently you have girl parts.

Kelso said that if we
can cover his salary in the budget

that Kenny can stay.

But where are we going
to come up with $26,372?

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah. That...
that we invite muscles here

to hang a banner in our bedroom
that says "It takes three to party"?

All right, knuckleheads. I need
one of you to win this talent show.

I can do Shakespeare in German!

In college, I double-majored
in theatre and classic languages.

Does that degree come
with headgear and allergies?

Let's take a look at our other options.

You appear to be a man
who is utterly without talent,

unless you want to count the fact that
you are the 20th-best basketball player

in a predominantly white hospital.

Jordan, your only skill
is illegal in 26 states.

It's 27. Arkansas buckled.

Carla, that makes you my girl.

We could crank up the humidity and watch
your hair explode. That'd be terrific.

Which leaves me, and...

...unless all of you want
to see me turn a two-syllable word

into a six syllable word,
I really think...

...we should keep looking.

Newbie! I almost forgot about you.

You know what? Save your breath.

I'm about to get in a hot-air balloon
and get Evel Knievel on my own ass.

Come on, Elliot.
Let's go French kiss the sun.

You know, you're wrong about Turk.
He has many, many talents.

Yeah, he's really good at not
finding five seconds to kiss his wife.

Wow! That's interesting
because you're really good at that too.

- Oh, really?
- Really.

- Really?
- Really!

I know how long we've been married
and what our song is.

I don't know the name of it,
but I it goes like this...

Are you humming the
Let's All Go To the Movies song?

Is that not our song?

It's sung by hot dogs.

What an amazing day!

A balloon ride, lunch by the beach
and my first carnival.

Sorry you missed
getting your face painted.

They only had time
to paint one more face,

so I let the kid behind me go
to make him stop crying.

That was awesome!

Spider-girl...

Talent show's about to start.

Talent show? I'd love to see it,
but I'm too tired to get out of bed.

That sucks for you!

I'm kidding!
We're going to do it right here!

O Romeo, Romeo...

Gesundheit.

Hey, I'm wondering,
what's the story with steel wool?

I mean, is it steel or is it wool?
Make up your mind, steel wool.

Are there iron sheep
hopping around Scotland?

Oh, brother.

Look, I... Start laughing
or I start unplugging machines.

And if any of you cows, goats
or ducks have any questions,

don't be afraid to ask me.

I'm just like all of you,

only giant and human.

Thank you. I hope you
enjoyed our production

of World's Most Giant Doctor
Goes to the Farm.

So, what did we end up going with?

Oh, you went with the farm idea.

Oh, my God, we're doomed.

OK, Perry, that's it. It's over.

The only act left to see
is you firing that guy.

Wait, wait. There's one more contestant.

Oh, no. Is that Kenny?

Hi. I'm Kenny.

Yeah, it is.

- Hey. That... that's our song.
- Yeah, I know. I told him to sing it.

All right, give it to him.
You know he deserves it.

The winner.

We are going to go home
and spend some time together.

Some good time.

And by good time,
she means bumping uglies.

Well, I hope you had a good day,
Mr James.

Wait a second!

This chart isn't for Charles James.
It's for James Charles.

He's the one who has cancer, not you.

Who cares about him?
He's anti-Semitic!

Exactly.

Well, that's a load off my mind.

Hey, everybody!

Thanks for coming so quickly.

This is the kind of thing
I say out loud in my head.

But since we're here...

It just seems like in the end,
everything always works out

because as long as we...

Mr James? Mr James, can you hear me?

He's apnoeic!
We need an airway! Anaesthesia!

- Wait. This isn't right.
- We're going to intubate.

Hang some dopamine, wide open!

I need an ET tube. Where's Anaesthesia?

Unfortunately, things don't always end
as neat and tidy as they do in sitcoms.

Relationships aren't always
magically fixed in 30 minutes.

You have to work on them.

Problems don't always
have easy solutions.

Hey, Kenny, once again,
I'm... I'm real sorry.

Welcome to my world.

Now imagine going home to my wife.

And around here,
nice people don't always get better.

And at times like that,
it's comforting to know

there's always one thing
that can pick your spirits up.

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