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1
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:08,492
Hey, Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
2
00:00:10,792 --> 00:00:12,036
- Great game.
- Yeah. Hey, look,
3
00:00:12,209 --> 00:00:13,951
they're showing chicks
in the stands every--
4
00:00:14,126 --> 00:00:16,875
Oh, look at that one.
Come to papa!
5
00:00:17,042 --> 00:00:21,286
Oh, yeah, Cliffie, they didn't build that
stadium in Foxboro for nothing, pal.
6
00:00:21,460 --> 00:00:24,623
They sure didn't.
I'll bet it cost millions.
7
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:28,580
I suppose you're wondering
why a person of my breeding
8
00:00:28,752 --> 00:00:32,616
would be working among
the lumpen proletariat.
9
00:00:33,336 --> 00:00:36,951
Do you mind?
I'm researching a novel,
10
00:00:37,128 --> 00:00:43,658
and working here gives me
insight into their simple pleasures.
11
00:00:46,587 --> 00:00:49,157
Oh, wait, wait. They're zooming in
on a cheerleader here.
12
00:00:49,378 --> 00:00:51,868
I think I've zoomed in
on that one myself.
13
00:00:52,795 --> 00:00:57,583
This language supplies the rich texture
that distinguished Fitzgerald's work.
14
00:00:57,796 --> 00:00:59,952
Cliffie, here comes the wave.
15
00:01:08,130 --> 00:01:10,500
Well, you have to go along with them,
or they get testy.
16
00:01:14,630 --> 00:01:17,712
That's good. Good.
17
00:02:32,179 --> 00:02:38,092
Seeing Baryshnikov dance Giselle
was the experience of a lifetime.
18
00:02:38,304 --> 00:02:43,637
When he took the stage in his cabriole,
it was breathtaking.
19
00:02:43,804 --> 00:02:49,672
- I'd never seen his Albrecht before.
- You mean he split his tights?
20
00:02:52,889 --> 00:02:55,128
I wish.
21
00:02:58,222 --> 00:03:01,007
Hey, Diane, you got a minute?
22
00:03:03,389 --> 00:03:07,430
Listen, I want you to know
that you are the last person on earth
23
00:03:07,598 --> 00:03:08,841
that I would ask for help.
24
00:03:09,014 --> 00:03:11,255
But I figure you've been in college
for a zillion years,
25
00:03:11,432 --> 00:03:12,924
so you must have
picked up something.
26
00:03:13,598 --> 00:03:16,964
- Now that you've buttered me up...
- Well, my kid Gino,
27
00:03:17,140 --> 00:03:19,593
he made this generator
for his school science fair,
28
00:03:19,765 --> 00:03:22,633
- and he can't get it to work.
- What's the problem?
29
00:03:22,807 --> 00:03:25,131
He's not very smart.
30
00:03:25,350 --> 00:03:26,723
Here, take a look at this thing.
31
00:03:26,891 --> 00:03:30,588
If you're asking me to do
Gino's homework for him, I won't.
32
00:03:30,808 --> 00:03:33,095
It's unethical.
33
00:03:34,892 --> 00:03:36,848
- Hey, Mrs T?
- What?
34
00:03:37,016 --> 00:03:41,093
You know, you ought to ask
Mr Clavin. He's very sharp.
35
00:03:41,309 --> 00:03:46,263
He's got more information in his whole
head than I got in my little finger.
36
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:49,557
- You got that backwards.
- See?
37
00:03:52,643 --> 00:03:55,925
Oh, yeah, Carla, it is common
knowledge that I'm scientifically handy.
38
00:03:56,102 --> 00:03:59,633
As a matter of fact, I spent a good part
of my youth in a laboratory.
39
00:03:59,852 --> 00:04:01,179
And you'd still be there today
40
00:04:01,352 --> 00:04:04,185
if the chimpanzee hadn't taught you
how to open your cage.
41
00:04:05,685 --> 00:04:07,926
Hey. Will you look at that?
42
00:04:08,145 --> 00:04:11,096
One of those
new marital aids, huh?
43
00:04:12,769 --> 00:04:16,894
Okay, Clavin,
the science fair is in one week.
44
00:04:17,061 --> 00:04:20,178
This is your chance to either
gain my respect or lose your tonsils.
45
00:04:20,395 --> 00:04:22,849
Hey, well,
thanks for the opportunity, Carla.
46
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:26,061
So, Norm, what do you say?
You wanna give me a hand here?
47
00:04:26,229 --> 00:04:31,182
No. I think I'll pass,
Dr Frankenstein.
48
00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:33,850
Cliff, have one on the house
here for your good deed.
49
00:04:34,064 --> 00:04:35,853
Oh, thank you, Sammy.
50
00:04:37,022 --> 00:04:39,557
What about one for lgor?
51
00:04:45,730 --> 00:04:47,521
Sam, who's sitting here?
52
00:04:47,731 --> 00:04:50,646
I don't know, but his coat's
been taking up bar space all night.
53
00:04:51,315 --> 00:04:55,143
So I've noticed.
Cashmere. Very nice.
54
00:04:55,357 --> 00:05:01,520
Hand stitching. Tortoiseshell buttons.
This is a very expensive garment.
55
00:05:01,732 --> 00:05:03,769
Doesn't look that expensive to me.
56
00:05:04,607 --> 00:05:06,432
It has a Bemberg lining.
57
00:05:06,649 --> 00:05:09,019
Oh, well, no fair, now.
You didn't mention that.
58
00:05:10,649 --> 00:05:15,106
I'm gonna hang it up.
Oh, a pipe smoker.
59
00:05:15,275 --> 00:05:18,771
I don't believe it's a domestic blend.
Sam, what do you think?
60
00:05:20,192 --> 00:05:23,807
- I don't smell anything.
- Of course not.
61
00:05:23,984 --> 00:05:26,389
Your olfactory senses have
been destroyed
62
00:05:26,567 --> 00:05:28,392
by that cologne you
marinate in.
63
00:05:31,609 --> 00:05:34,774
Oh, I should've known.
Of course, it's a perique blend.
64
00:05:35,901 --> 00:05:39,812
Jack Meechan, my father's partner,
used to smoke it.
65
00:05:40,193 --> 00:05:42,942
The memory's so clearly
etched in my mind.
66
00:05:43,110 --> 00:05:47,519
He'd sit in his office smoking his pipe.
I'd beg to sit in his lap, and he'd say,
67
00:05:47,736 --> 00:05:50,769
"Okay, little miss,
but you have to pay the toll first."
68
00:05:50,944 --> 00:05:52,770
So I'd give him a big hug,
and then he'd ask,
69
00:05:52,944 --> 00:05:54,437
"How about a tip
for the gatekeeper?"
70
00:05:54,611 --> 00:05:58,107
So I'd give him a peck on the cheek,
and he'd toss me in the air, yelling,
71
00:05:58,278 --> 00:06:02,521
"Who's your favourite uncle?" And
I'd squeal, "Uncle Jack, Uncle Jack."
72
00:06:04,070 --> 00:06:07,233
Was this before or after
you met me?
73
00:06:09,487 --> 00:06:13,316
This is weird. What are you
making a big deal about the coat for?
74
00:06:13,530 --> 00:06:16,481
I was merely trying to conjure up
an image of the owner.
75
00:06:16,655 --> 00:06:21,561
There's nothing wrong with that.
Fantasy's healthy. Everybody does it.
76
00:06:21,738 --> 00:06:24,062
Didn't you ever
fantasize about me?
77
00:06:25,405 --> 00:06:27,064
Yeah, I guess I did.
78
00:06:27,947 --> 00:06:31,148
And I you.
What did you fantasize about?
79
00:06:31,364 --> 00:06:34,564
Mostly that you'd stop
using phrases like, "And I you."
80
00:06:37,156 --> 00:06:39,858
Okay, Watson, fire up.
81
00:06:46,407 --> 00:06:48,149
Cliffie, are you all right?
82
00:06:48,407 --> 00:06:52,188
It went right from my neck
to my lower regions, Norm.
83
00:06:54,574 --> 00:06:57,242
- Anything we can do?
- Yeah.
84
00:06:57,407 --> 00:06:59,944
Crank it up again.
85
00:07:04,325 --> 00:07:06,814
Woody, would you add up
these receipts for me, please?
86
00:07:07,034 --> 00:07:08,526
Sure.
87
00:07:12,117 --> 00:07:14,073
There's eight of them.
88
00:07:16,201 --> 00:07:19,862
Thank you, Woody.
That's what I got too.
89
00:07:20,618 --> 00:07:23,023
Hey, Sam, this guy
never came back for his coat.
90
00:07:23,243 --> 00:07:26,407
Probably saw Diane sniffing it.
91
00:07:27,452 --> 00:07:29,774
- Night, all.
- Night, Woody.
92
00:07:29,952 --> 00:07:34,076
- Okay, Sam, lost and found.
- Give me that.
93
00:07:34,869 --> 00:07:38,401
Maybe there's some identification.
94
00:07:39,286 --> 00:07:42,320
No wallet.
Well, there must be some clue here.
95
00:07:42,536 --> 00:07:47,442
You see?
Two tickets to the Grand Kabuki.
96
00:07:47,661 --> 00:07:51,905
So he likes to watch
two fat guys with diapers butt heads.
97
00:07:53,412 --> 00:07:56,825
- What's that tell you?
- That you're an idiot.
98
00:07:57,746 --> 00:08:01,786
You're confusing sumo wrestling
with classic Japanese theatre.
99
00:08:02,663 --> 00:08:05,530
Gee, please don't tell the guys.
100
00:08:06,872 --> 00:08:10,735
A dried rose. What a romantic.
101
00:08:11,456 --> 00:08:16,693
Could it be a memento from a golden
midi d'amour in some sylvan setting?
102
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:21,619
What's that?
A classy way of saying a nooner?
103
00:08:23,706 --> 00:08:25,329
Boy, you're really losing it here.
104
00:08:25,498 --> 00:08:29,658
You know, you can't tell what a guy's
like by what he's got in his pocket.
105
00:08:30,041 --> 00:08:33,986
I certainly can.
What do you have in your pockets?
106
00:08:34,207 --> 00:08:37,573
Why don't you check it out
yourself and you tell me.
107
00:08:38,666 --> 00:08:41,368
I think my point is made.
108
00:08:47,083 --> 00:08:53,032
Has it occurred to you this guy may
look like Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy?
109
00:08:54,459 --> 00:08:56,449
I can tell you right now
110
00:08:56,667 --> 00:08:59,831
that the owner of this coat
could well be the most attractive man
111
00:09:00,001 --> 00:09:02,703
I've ever encountered,
whatever he looks like.
112
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:05,039
Down, girl, down.
113
00:09:05,251 --> 00:09:09,115
What a person looks like has
nothing to do with who that person is.
114
00:09:09,335 --> 00:09:12,748
If my face were transposed
on another soul, would it matter?
115
00:09:12,961 --> 00:09:15,793
To the poor sap
who got it, it would.
116
00:09:20,086 --> 00:09:21,329
Cheers.
117
00:09:21,544 --> 00:09:23,701
Oh, well, hold on a sec. I'll check.
118
00:09:23,878 --> 00:09:26,449
Have we seen a cashmere coat
with Bemberg lining around here?
119
00:09:26,670 --> 00:09:27,699
Sam.
120
00:09:27,878 --> 00:09:31,079
Yeah, why don't you talk
to our coat-check girl.
121
00:09:31,545 --> 00:09:34,544
The dream man
for Miss Chambers.
122
00:09:36,004 --> 00:09:38,788
Hello.
My name is Diane Chambers,
123
00:09:38,962 --> 00:09:44,995
and I want you to rest assured that
your lovely coat is safe in my charge.
124
00:09:45,421 --> 00:09:48,585
I think we have a bad connection.
125
00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:50,455
Your car phone?
126
00:09:51,172 --> 00:09:53,328
You know,
I imagined you had a car phone.
127
00:09:54,047 --> 00:09:58,123
Well, what I meant was, is we were
playing this game, wondering
128
00:09:58,297 --> 00:10:00,418
what you'd be like
based on your coat.
129
00:10:01,547 --> 00:10:03,787
Me?
Well, close your eyes and imagine.
130
00:10:04,006 --> 00:10:07,004
Oh, no, don't.
We don't want you rear-ending a bus.
131
00:10:11,256 --> 00:10:14,836
Oh, forgive my merry sense of
humour. I get it from my mother's side.
132
00:10:15,006 --> 00:10:18,455
- Oh, my God.
- He sounds wonderful.
133
00:10:18,632 --> 00:10:21,832
Really? Well, why don't you
ask him out, then.
134
00:10:22,049 --> 00:10:23,756
Yes.
135
00:10:24,550 --> 00:10:26,457
Listen, you sound like
a charming man.
136
00:10:26,633 --> 00:10:31,338
If it's not too forward, perhaps we
could go for an espresso sometime?
137
00:10:31,550 --> 00:10:33,789
Sometime?
Now, there's a commitment for you.
138
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:38,215
On second thought,
I'm getting off work now.
139
00:10:38,426 --> 00:10:41,175
If you're not busy,
we could do it tonight.
140
00:10:44,467 --> 00:10:48,414
Oh, we're both such spontaneous
madcaps, aren't we?
141
00:10:50,301 --> 00:10:53,749
You're right down the block?
Momentarily, then.
142
00:10:59,635 --> 00:11:03,712
Making a date with a stranger over
the telephone is a big mistake, Diane.
143
00:11:03,886 --> 00:11:06,553
I tried it.
It was nothing but trouble.
144
00:11:06,719 --> 00:11:09,717
Of course,
mine was an obscene phone call.
145
00:11:09,928 --> 00:11:14,633
I hope this works out. Busted
expectations are a real bummer.
146
00:11:14,845 --> 00:11:17,630
- I won't be disappointed.
- No, no, I was talking about him.
147
00:11:20,053 --> 00:11:23,917
Hey, hey, hey. Here comes
Mr Right down the steps as we speak.
148
00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:28,175
Socks.
He's already got my guy beat.
149
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:32,596
- What, are you nervous there?
- Not at all.
150
00:11:45,681 --> 00:11:48,134
- Hi.
- Hi.
151
00:11:48,347 --> 00:11:52,424
- I bet you're the guy without the coat.
- Yes, I am. Diane?
152
00:11:52,598 --> 00:11:54,091
You should be so lucky.
153
00:11:58,139 --> 00:12:00,297
Diane.
154
00:12:01,057 --> 00:12:06,295
Aren't you going to introduce yourself
to this lovely gentleman?
155
00:12:06,515 --> 00:12:11,173
Of course I am. I was just waiting
for the proper moment.
156
00:12:11,391 --> 00:12:14,093
I'm Diane Chambers.
How do you do? Welcome to Cheers.
157
00:12:14,266 --> 00:12:16,636
I'm Stuart Sorenson.
158
00:12:16,975 --> 00:12:19,297
- Well.
- Yes.
159
00:12:20,225 --> 00:12:22,382
- Oh, good, you have my coat.
- Ah, yes.
160
00:12:22,559 --> 00:12:25,592
I can't tell you how grateful I am
for you taking such good care of it.
161
00:12:25,809 --> 00:12:28,593
Oh, it was my pleasure.
It's a lovely garment.
162
00:12:28,767 --> 00:12:30,094
Did you get it on the Continent?
163
00:12:30,309 --> 00:12:34,006
- France.
- "The Continent." Nice try, Diane.
164
00:12:34,893 --> 00:12:37,844
Hi, Stuart, I'm Sam Malone. I haven't
seen you in here before, have l?
165
00:12:38,018 --> 00:12:39,760
Well, I'm new to the Boston area.
166
00:12:39,935 --> 00:12:42,886
I'm in the midst of restoring
a carriage house on Beacon Hill.
167
00:12:43,060 --> 00:12:45,430
And I needed a break,
so I just wandered in here.
168
00:12:45,644 --> 00:12:47,801
- It's a nice little pub you have.
- Well, thank you.
169
00:12:47,977 --> 00:12:52,018
- That makes you a carpenter, huh?
- Sam, he's probably an architect.
170
00:12:52,227 --> 00:12:55,225
- Why, yes, I am an architect.
- An architect, you say?
171
00:12:55,394 --> 00:12:58,227
- Did you hear that, Sam?
- Three times.
172
00:13:00,478 --> 00:13:05,350
Listen, Diane, about that date, I realise
we made it over the phone and--
173
00:13:05,521 --> 00:13:07,760
Well, here's your chance
to back out.
174
00:13:08,479 --> 00:13:11,146
This lady's not going to let you
off that easily.
175
00:13:11,354 --> 00:13:13,807
But it was a nice try there, Stuart.
176
00:13:16,188 --> 00:13:18,344
Do you know a place
still open for espresso?
177
00:13:18,563 --> 00:13:21,596
As a matter of fact,
I know a wonderful little bo�te.
178
00:13:21,771 --> 00:13:24,520
Every time I go there,
I'm reminded of the Caf� Lumi�re,
179
00:13:24,688 --> 00:13:26,680
opposite the Bois de Boulogne.
180
00:13:26,897 --> 00:13:28,639
I know exactly
the one you're talking about.
181
00:13:28,814 --> 00:13:30,770
It's in the lobby
of the H�tel Sainte-C�cile.
182
00:13:30,980 --> 00:13:33,055
- Yes.
- Well.
183
00:13:33,231 --> 00:13:35,554
That's the only place I stay
when I'm in Paris.
184
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:37,976
Oh, I'm sorry.
That sounded so pretentious.
185
00:13:39,856 --> 00:13:42,060
There's my car phone.
186
00:13:42,648 --> 00:13:44,972
That sounded pretentious too.
187
00:13:45,190 --> 00:13:46,848
Oh, hell, so I'm pretentious.
188
00:13:48,441 --> 00:13:53,477
- Do you mind if I go get that?
- Not at all. I'll meet you at your car.
189
00:13:58,691 --> 00:14:01,358
There's a back way out of here.
You gotta shinny up a drainpipe,
190
00:14:01,525 --> 00:14:05,140
crawl over some broken glass,
but I think it may be worth it.
191
00:14:05,859 --> 00:14:09,474
What are you talking about?
I feel totally vindicated.
192
00:14:09,651 --> 00:14:11,606
He's everything
I thought he would be.
193
00:14:11,817 --> 00:14:15,148
He's charming, intelligent,
self-deprecating.
194
00:14:15,359 --> 00:14:17,645
I didn't hear "attractive" in there.
195
00:14:19,193 --> 00:14:22,356
- I find him attractive.
- Oh, come on, Diane.
196
00:14:22,526 --> 00:14:26,770
On a scale of one to ten,
me being a 12, of course,
197
00:14:27,610 --> 00:14:30,478
where are you gonna rate Stuart?
198
00:14:31,652 --> 00:14:35,149
Let's change that to lQ.
199
00:14:35,319 --> 00:14:39,478
While your score would remain 12...
200
00:14:40,611 --> 00:14:42,685
...his would skyrocket.
201
00:14:42,903 --> 00:14:45,855
It's too bad you're not gonna be
gazing across the table at his lQ.
202
00:14:46,861 --> 00:14:49,232
Why don't you just admit
you're jealous.
203
00:14:49,446 --> 00:14:53,604
All right, I am.
You're right, but can you blame me?
204
00:14:54,904 --> 00:14:57,985
Sam, are you saying
what I think you're saying?
205
00:14:58,196 --> 00:15:01,608
You bet I am.
I'd kill for a car phone.
206
00:15:13,572 --> 00:15:15,812
Two vodka tonics.
207
00:15:16,072 --> 00:15:19,817
- So where's the stick?
- She and Stuart are on another date.
208
00:15:20,031 --> 00:15:23,029
They went to see a play.
I think it's a whodunit.
209
00:15:23,239 --> 00:15:24,982
With him in the audience,
it's a what-is-it.
210
00:15:25,198 --> 00:15:27,521
Hey, hey, come on.
Lighten up on him, will you?
211
00:15:27,698 --> 00:15:29,404
He turned out to be kind of
a nice fella.
212
00:15:29,615 --> 00:15:31,405
Gonna have to give
Diane credit on this one.
213
00:15:31,574 --> 00:15:33,445
Her intuition proved to be right.
214
00:15:33,657 --> 00:15:38,564
I'm a great believer in intuition.
It's like when I first saw you, Sam.
215
00:15:38,783 --> 00:15:41,864
Something told me you were
super smooth with the ladies.
216
00:15:42,074 --> 00:15:44,645
Maybe it was that time you
walked out of here with four of them,
217
00:15:44,824 --> 00:15:46,448
one on each arm.
218
00:15:46,617 --> 00:15:48,109
You know,
219
00:15:48,533 --> 00:15:51,235
you always just seem to know
the right moves.
220
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:54,614
Sometimes I like to just stand around
and watch you operate.
221
00:15:54,783 --> 00:15:59,073
- It's like going to school.
- I never really thought of it like that.
222
00:15:59,284 --> 00:16:01,570
Well, yes, I have.
223
00:16:04,451 --> 00:16:07,615
Well, so there we were,
224
00:16:07,827 --> 00:16:12,614
me and 25 soaking wet
Japanese architects in my apartment,
225
00:16:12,785 --> 00:16:14,990
and I'm out of Brie.
226
00:16:18,119 --> 00:16:21,366
Oh, Stuart, what a life you've led.
227
00:16:21,578 --> 00:16:24,066
Make yourself comfortable.
I'll get our drinks.
228
00:16:24,286 --> 00:16:26,193
Hey, Stuart, how was the theatre?
229
00:16:26,411 --> 00:16:28,153
- Great fun, Sam.
- Oh, good.
230
00:16:29,412 --> 00:16:32,161
Hey, Miss Chambers?
231
00:16:32,454 --> 00:16:35,120
I've been meaning to tell you,
I really like your friend Stuart.
232
00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:36,863
Oh, thank you, Woody.
233
00:16:37,745 --> 00:16:40,494
Hey, you think you could get him
to do that great trick for me?
234
00:16:41,954 --> 00:16:43,412
What trick?
235
00:16:43,621 --> 00:16:47,366
The one Sam says he does when he
makes the clock stop by looking at it.
236
00:16:50,122 --> 00:16:53,404
Wasn't that just supposed to be
between you, me and the lamppost?
237
00:16:53,622 --> 00:16:56,490
Well, look at her.
It's an easy mistake.
238
00:17:00,831 --> 00:17:03,829
Excuse me.
I have to speak with Sam.
239
00:17:04,039 --> 00:17:06,658
I'll be back before
the bouquet leaves the glasses.
240
00:17:07,414 --> 00:17:09,452
Might I speak with you briefly?
241
00:17:10,790 --> 00:17:13,788
You might,
but I don't think you will.
242
00:17:16,415 --> 00:17:18,240
I'm sorry about that clock comment.
243
00:17:18,415 --> 00:17:21,449
I made it before I realised
what a nice guy he is.
244
00:17:24,707 --> 00:17:27,540
I'm such a pooh.
245
00:17:29,333 --> 00:17:32,331
- Beg your pardon?
- You heard me. A pooh.
246
00:17:35,542 --> 00:17:40,911
After all these years,
I have to admit it. I'm all talk.
247
00:17:41,667 --> 00:17:46,704
Oh, well, of course you are, honey,
but we've all gotten used to that.
248
00:17:48,792 --> 00:17:53,082
Sam, I have spent the week
with a person
249
00:17:53,293 --> 00:17:56,208
who can converse
on a multitude of subjects,
250
00:17:56,418 --> 00:17:59,831
who listens when I talk,
251
00:18:00,377 --> 00:18:02,995
who treats me with respect.
252
00:18:03,210 --> 00:18:05,497
And a person with whom
I can think of nothing but,
253
00:18:05,669 --> 00:18:08,336
"Why aren't you great-looking?"
254
00:18:09,336 --> 00:18:12,702
Or, "Why can't I stop wishing
you were great-looking?"
255
00:18:13,586 --> 00:18:15,910
This is probably not the right time
to say I told you so,
256
00:18:16,087 --> 00:18:19,618
so if you could just remind me
to get to it later.
257
00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:23,244
Oh, Sam.
258
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:27,289
I'm small and vain and petty.
259
00:18:27,504 --> 00:18:31,450
Will you stop being hard on yourself?
I mean, that's my job here. Come on.
260
00:18:31,671 --> 00:18:35,036
You had, what, few casual
dates with him? What's the big deal?
261
00:18:35,254 --> 00:18:37,625
Yes, but as often happens
in my life,
262
00:18:37,797 --> 00:18:41,542
this gentleman is becoming
much too serious, much too fast.
263
00:18:42,338 --> 00:18:46,463
He's wearing that smitten look
I know so well.
264
00:18:47,214 --> 00:18:49,785
I've got to do something
before it goes any further.
265
00:18:50,006 --> 00:18:51,629
Uh-huh, I see.
266
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:56,746
For the first time in my life I can't bring
myself to tell the truth to a man so...
267
00:18:57,590 --> 00:18:59,415
...I need a lie.
268
00:18:59,590 --> 00:19:02,292
And God forgive me,
I'm coming to you for help.
269
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,832
Well, I'm flattered.
270
00:19:07,049 --> 00:19:11,292
All right, let me... Let me give this
a little thought here.
271
00:19:11,507 --> 00:19:16,046
All right. All right, I've never passed
this one on before, but I think it's--
272
00:19:16,216 --> 00:19:19,748
I think it's the ticket here.
It's neat, fast, clean and, best of all,
273
00:19:19,925 --> 00:19:23,207
it makes them want to get away
from you. Now, here's what you do.
274
00:19:23,425 --> 00:19:27,005
You tell him that you have
a contagious skin condition
275
00:19:27,176 --> 00:19:30,707
and that insanity
runs in your family.
276
00:19:32,135 --> 00:19:33,876
Very sensitive.
277
00:19:34,510 --> 00:19:37,342
Well, thank you. It's a gift.
278
00:19:38,552 --> 00:19:42,462
Sam, I have never been
more grateful to you than I am now.
279
00:19:42,635 --> 00:19:45,752
I just looked into the face
of insensitivity and dishonesty,
280
00:19:45,927 --> 00:19:47,336
and it made me blanch.
281
00:19:47,552 --> 00:19:52,459
I am going out there,
and I'm going to break up with Stuart.
282
00:19:52,678 --> 00:19:58,011
But I'm going to do it honestly,
straightforwardly and yet, caringly.
283
00:19:58,178 --> 00:20:02,421
I'll tell him the truth of my feelings, that
I'm not attracted to him romantically,
284
00:20:02,595 --> 00:20:05,166
although I am very attracted to him
as a friend.
285
00:20:06,804 --> 00:20:09,257
And I'll say it in a way that
286
00:20:09,429 --> 00:20:13,375
he will accept and understand
and be grateful for.
287
00:20:13,596 --> 00:20:16,298
Do you even begin to understand
what I'm trying to say?
288
00:20:17,179 --> 00:20:21,221
Everything except the part where you
changed your name to Blanche.
289
00:20:26,471 --> 00:20:28,379
Goodbye, Sam.
290
00:20:29,264 --> 00:20:31,301
Goodbye, Blanche.
291
00:20:37,347 --> 00:20:38,841
Thank you.
292
00:20:40,306 --> 00:20:42,048
- Listen, Stuart--
- Diane, I'm sorry.
293
00:20:42,223 --> 00:20:45,838
I can't put this off any longer.
There's something I have to tell you.
294
00:20:47,431 --> 00:20:49,387
Diane, for the first time in my life,
295
00:20:49,557 --> 00:20:52,472
I'm thinking of making a permanent
commitment with a woman.
296
00:20:53,849 --> 00:20:58,222
Stuart, I have a contagious skin
disease and insanity runs in my family.
297
00:21:01,807 --> 00:21:04,593
My God, Diane,
I'm terribly sorry to hear that.
298
00:21:04,809 --> 00:21:06,799
Thank you.
I thought you should know.
299
00:21:08,684 --> 00:21:10,840
Well, that makes me feel
a little selfish,
300
00:21:11,017 --> 00:21:13,340
talking about my good news
after hearing that.
301
00:21:14,142 --> 00:21:15,849
Your good news?
302
00:21:16,642 --> 00:21:19,511
Diane, what I'm trying to say is...
303
00:21:20,059 --> 00:21:21,433
...there's someone else.
304
00:21:22,143 --> 00:21:24,596
She's someone I knew
before I met you.
305
00:21:24,810 --> 00:21:27,891
I honestly thought it was over
between us, but--
306
00:21:28,102 --> 00:21:32,475
Well, we spoke earlier today, and
we decided to work things through.
307
00:21:37,395 --> 00:21:39,634
You're telling the truth,
aren't you, Stuart?
308
00:21:41,311 --> 00:21:43,765
Well, that's the most
wonderful thing I ever heard.
309
00:21:45,686 --> 00:21:48,637
It's tearing me apart inside.
310
00:21:49,061 --> 00:21:51,302
I'm a total wreck.
311
00:21:52,062 --> 00:21:55,014
Don't give up hope, Diane.
No relationship is guaranteed.
312
00:21:55,229 --> 00:21:57,765
Except yours.
Don't you doubt for a moment.
313
00:21:57,979 --> 00:22:02,471
- We're talking ironclad here.
- Well, thank you.
314
00:22:02,687 --> 00:22:05,521
By the way, have you seen
a doctor about that condition of yours?
315
00:22:05,730 --> 00:22:06,760
What con--?
316
00:22:06,938 --> 00:22:09,936
Oh, yes, yes.
I'm seeing a wonderful man.
317
00:22:10,105 --> 00:22:12,096
He's almost
cleared it up completely.
318
00:22:12,272 --> 00:22:16,183
He's about got
that insanity thing licked too.
319
00:22:18,064 --> 00:22:20,433
He's a skin and brain man.
320
00:22:21,314 --> 00:22:22,891
It's a new specialty.
321
00:22:23,648 --> 00:22:26,137
Sounds fascinating.
322
00:22:26,356 --> 00:22:31,938
Well, Diane, I'm really glad we had
this chance to know each other.
323
00:22:32,148 --> 00:22:33,725
Me too.
324
00:22:33,941 --> 00:22:36,855
- Goodbye, Diane.
- Goodbye, Stuart.
325
00:22:42,232 --> 00:22:46,013
Hey, congratulations.
You're free and clear.
326
00:22:46,233 --> 00:22:50,097
Don't congratulate me.
He's a terrific guy.
327
00:22:50,316 --> 00:22:53,978
And I cast him aside
because of his appearance.
328
00:22:54,275 --> 00:22:55,852
I'm greatly ashamed.
329
00:22:56,067 --> 00:22:58,390
Well, from where I was sitting,
it sounded like he was--
330
00:22:58,609 --> 00:23:01,477
All right, Sam, let's not split hairs.
331
00:23:03,110 --> 00:23:04,483
The point is, he's gone.
332
00:23:04,651 --> 00:23:10,067
For the first time ever, I let appearance
taint my feelings toward a man.
333
00:23:10,277 --> 00:23:13,358
Boy, you know what's wrong with you?
You just can't be honest with yourself.
334
00:23:13,527 --> 00:23:16,395
Looks are all
that ever mattered to you.
335
00:23:18,068 --> 00:23:23,189
What are you talking about?
That is utterly inaccurate.
336
00:23:23,403 --> 00:23:24,978
Oh, yeah?
Want me to prove it to you?
337
00:23:25,361 --> 00:23:26,735
Yes.
338
00:23:27,820 --> 00:23:31,896
Who were you more crazy about
than anyone else in your entire life?
339
00:23:32,111 --> 00:23:36,354
Not including yourself there.
Don't answer. It was me.
340
00:23:36,570 --> 00:23:39,024
And there was only one reason
why you ever went out with me,
341
00:23:39,195 --> 00:23:40,523
and that was
because of my looks.
342
00:23:43,154 --> 00:23:45,477
- Not entirely.
- Yes, entirely.
343
00:23:45,696 --> 00:23:50,021
Name one other reason
why anyone would go out with me.
344
00:23:50,988 --> 00:23:54,650
Go on, name one.
You can't, can you?
345
00:23:55,155 --> 00:23:58,770
No, Sam, I can't.
29085
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