All language subtitles for The.Dukes.Of.Hazzard.The.Beginning.2007.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-YTS.MX

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[Balladeer] In Hazzard County,
folks like to tell stories.

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YTS.MX

Most are made up
or embellished.

Like the time I told
everybody in town

that I wrestled
three gators at once,

when really it was
just two slow kids
and a basset hound.

These legends
become a part of us.

They show who we are
and who we'd like to be.

Now, I know you've heard
of few about Hazzard's
most infamous residents.

But this one,
the smallest child in Hazzard

can rattle it off
as fast as he can
hot-wire a Chevy.

This here's
how it all started.

This is how Bo and Luke
became the Dukes of Hazzard.

[Balladeer] Bo Duke.
Your average 16-year-old
itching to get his license.

[DMV Examiner] Shopping cart!
Shopping cart!

Shopping cart!

Maybe the seventh time
will be the charm.

[police siren wailing]

[officer 1] over radio]
Calling all units.

In pursuit of a male teenager
driving a station wagon,

possible hostage situation.

[officer 2 over radio]
Yeah, Bo Duke.

He's trying to get
his license again, huh?

[officer 1] over radio]
Yeah. He'll be stringed off.

As is.

[Bo whooping]

Whoa!

[Bo] Excuse me.
Pardon me. Coming through.

[woman screaming]

Kind of hard to concentrate
with all that screaming.

[Balladeer] In case
you can't already tell,
Bo knows one speed. Fast.

He's 99% instinct
and 1% brains.

And that's on a good day.

- I can jump it.
- No, no, no.

- No.
- Oh, shit!

[sirens wailing]

[DMV Examiner] That fool's
crazy. I'm out of here.

Wait. Did I pass?

[electricity crackling]

[Balladeer] No, Bo,
you sure as shit didn't,

but you got Tasered
and I hear that's fun.

You might think
Bo was the crown prince
of public mayhem,

but four counties over,
there was another contender
vying for that throne,

his cousin, Luke Duke.

This poor green pup thought

that the way to
a woman's heart was
by blowing shit up.

Someday Luke will learn
that when it comes to women,

he was focused on
the wrong kind of bang.

She's a classy kid.
Real lady.

Forget about her, Luke.

Let me show you your future
under this table here.

I'm sorry, psychic whore,

but I've already
seen my future.

And it's with Debbie Sue.

Hey, are you ready?

Hell, I better be ready.

X 90 Armageddons,
Yellow Cycle of Thunders,

Nasty Napalmers that'll
peel back her eyelids,

blow off her silky
golden hair,
melt her brain stem,

and open up her heart.

And she knows
this stuff is coming?

She doesn't
even know my name.

- Come on, let's go.
- [Luke] She will after tonight.

Hey, Luke,

looks like your
princess is about ready
to get her castle stormed.

[Balladeer] Sometimes
you get so darn busy
planning the plan

that you take your
eyes off the prize,

or maybe even
blow the prize up.

Oh, shit.

Ah, whoa, whoa.

[screaming]

[Balladeer] I reckon
Luke never planned on

carpet-bombing
the county fair.

Twenty injuries,
15 grand in damage,

and Debbie Sue
still doesn't know
Luke's name.

Better luck next time, Romeo.

[officer 1] Get him up!
You could've killed someone.

[BalladeeBo's parents
and Luke's parents
convinced the judges

that the boys' salvation lay
in a summer of hard work

on Uncle Jesse's farm,

a taste of the simple life.

[scoffs]

"Simple life."
That's a good one.

[bus driver]
Hazzard County.

[both grunting]

Damn.

[laughing]

[Luke] What's so funny,
Goldilocks?

Two things
always make me laugh.

Monkeys dressed as humans,

and some pussy getting
chucked off a bus.

How would like to spend
the night in the morgue?

Show me the way.

Hey, hey. Hey, guys.

Nice to see y'all cousins
getting reacquainted.

- Bo?
- Luke?

Welcome to Hazzard.

- Thanks, Uncle Jesse.
- Uncle Jesse.

- Oh, I'll take the brunette,
you get the blonde.
- Mm-hmm.

Man, this J.D. Hogg
sure does like to smile.

He's got a lot
to smile about.
He owns the whole town.

I knew him back
when he was messing
his britches.

I think he smiled
when he did that.

He ain't a bad guy,
but just don't cross him.

[Luke] Oh, my goodness,
some things have changed.

Corals and cocktails, coz.

- I just found Jesus. Yeah!
- Yeah.

Keep the garden hoses
in your trousers, boys.

Lot of fun to water the lawn,

but then you got
to feed the flowers

and then you got to
send them to school.

- Same old truck.
- Yeah. Same old truck.

[slurring speech]

Hey, Ab.

[farts]

Come on, already.

I'm gonna be 175
by the time he gets here.

Only running
he's done is against J.D.
for county commissioner.

[Jesse] How you doing, Ab?

Got your medicine
for you, old buddy.

Reach in there
and grab the two
you like.

[slurring speech]

I hear you, buddy.
See you next week.

Go get 'em.

That's his medicine?

Well, he's 112 years old.

I bring him
his medicine every week.

He's got scurvy, malaria,
rickets, chlamydia.

You name it,
he's got it.

Come on,
let's go see Daisy.

- [Luke] Shotgun.
- [Bo] Nope, I got here first.

Get in first.

- [siren wailing]
- [Jesse] Whoa.

- [Bo] Look out for
the dog, Uncle Jesse!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[BalladeeYou ever wanna find
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane,

go 10 blocks past sanity
and take a right on crazy.

[Rosco] Hang on there, Jesse.

[Balladeer] Can't miss him.

Ordinance 733.

Hound dogs have
the right of way here
in Hazzard County.

That's great
detective work, Rosco.
But it ain't no crime.

Maybe lipping off
to an officer of
the law is, there,

Blue Jeans and Bongo Drums.

We didn't want
to hit your dog.

Now was I talking
to you, there,
Johnny Jingle Nuts?

Ain't you got
nothing better to do?

Well, maybe I could
stuff you in my hold there,
little partner.

And you could collect
toenail clippings for fun.

Now, you all just
mind yourself.

'Cause this here is
Rosco P. Coltrane's
jurisdiction.

I'll send you straight to hell
in a bucket of chicken.

Come on, kid.

Old Rosco ain't
never fired that gun,

but he's always
looking for a reason.

Let's don't give him one.

[Luke] Oh, man, pigtails.
I love pigtails.

[chuckles]

Daisy'll introduce us
to the hot locals.

- So we can tag
some wild game.
- Yeah.

And then you can
stop beating off
to them breast exam ads.

[groans]

Hey, guys. Hey.

[BalladeeDaisy Duke.

You can't see it yet,

but there's a woman waiting
to burst out of her like
an alien invader.

I promised her folks
I wouldn't let her date

until she's 18
and she just hit 18.

And she's turning
some heads.

What kind of heads
is she turning?

[Balladeer]
And never far behind,
Enos Strate.

He likes to hover waiting
to come to her rescue.
Kind of sweet.

Look at you.

[Luke] Oh, hey, Daisy.

Y'all are cuter
than boxing gloves
on a kitten.

Hi, Uncle Jesse.

Hi. How was Bible school?

Well, Pastor Phil says,
you know, that being
a virgin's cool,

so all us girls in class,
we signed this oath

saying we won't have
sex until marriage.

These are all
the things we can't do.

Anyway, me and the girls
are real psyched about
being virgins.

All the girls signed this?

You bet.

[girl] Can't wait to be
a virgin again.

Luke, honey, you crying?

Just happy to see you, Daisy.

The Lord loves y'all.

He just wants you to know

he'll be with you
all summer, too.
Huh, Daisy?

Right. This is gonna be
the best summer ever.

You know what we should
be doing with this shit?

Should be blowin'
this shit up.

Hey, you know you can make
low-grade bombs with manure?

Whoa! What are you doing?

I'm going fast,
so I can get done.

Oh, yeah.

OK, truce. Jeez.

Wash up.
Come on in for supper.

We got ham hocks,
pickles, pig's feet.

And you can finish
shoveling that manure
after you have your dessert.

Then we're done?

Then you got to
go down by the road
and fix the fence,

feed the chickens
and bale some hay.

So, we work,
what, all the time?

No, well,
not all the time.

You get four
solid hours of sleep.

And remember,
Annabelle can't
inseminate herself.

[cow mooing]

God!

[snoring]

[BalladeeNothing like
a good day's rest after
an honest day's work.

Unless, of course,
you're planning your escape.

Vintage Luke Duke.

Sneaking off
without me again?

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm ten, you're 11.
The nurses' school.

The nurses.

You didn't want
to climb that tree.

You wanted to map it out,

draw a diagram,
take a course in
tree climbing...

- [shushing]
- ...but I convinced you.

What did you see?

I saw boobies.

Big boobies,
little boobies,

classy boobies,
I saw a feast of boobies.

The Thanksgiving Day
Parade of boobies.

And did you thank me?

Thank you.

No, you heard someone coming
and you got down.

I've had a lifetime
of boobies.

But I will never,
ever forget you leaving me.

Six years ago, all right?
I was a little kid.

Sweet ride.

Uncle Jesse's
friends with a pimp?

Uh-uh. Boss Hogg.

- [Luke] That man knows
how to live.
- That's business.

Money, power,
probably got a hot wife.

Definitely no farmer.

[Boss] Yeah.

The Boar's Nest is kicking!

It's an election year.
Put that on, dumpling.

- Here you go, darling.
- Oh, thank you.

I'm going in.

Bo, don't... Bo!

Boys.

Hi, fellas.

What is this place?

I don't know.

But four slices of
a sex pie just walked
right through that door.

I think they need
a little scoop of
Bo on top.

Whoa! Where do you think
you boys are going?

We're with them.

OK. Thank you.

Nice sleeves.

No place for minors is
definitely a place for us.

- There's got to be
another way in.
- Let's go.

- [Boss] Whoa, ladies.
- [Jesse] Yeah.

- Well, what have we got here?
- Let me know.

- OK.
- Bye.

Hello, folks,
how you doing?

How are you doing?

- How y'all doing?
- You called my mother a what?

Not gonna take that.

- Look at that.
- [man 1] There you go.
Great shot.

[man 2]
J.D. Hogg is in the house.

Hey, now, they're fighting
over you, there, Joanne.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.
You wanna piece of him,

you better take
a piece of me.

[grunting]

It's locked.

I'm going this way.

Wait up.

[BalladeeBoss Hogg's
prize boar Dainty.

Three time state champ
and a close second
in J.D.'s heart,

after his wife Lulu.

[Bo] It's Hogg's hog.

[grunting]

Stay. Sit.

- So, how's Lulu?
- Expensive.

My wife's got
a jewelry habit

that'd make a crack whore
look sensible.

Lucky you're the richest guy
in Hazzard, huh?

Yeah. It's good enough
for a county commissioner.
But what about the future?

Governor Hogg.

President Hogg.
Prime Minister Hogg.

Well, I ain't
much into politics.

These things cost big bucks.

[grunting]

[shushing]

Seems my temporary blindness
to your illegal activities

should be worth
more like ten percent.

Oh, it is.

Undying friendship.

Which is nice.

But I'm thinking
more like 25%.

Well, I ain't making
a lot of money out there
selling shine.

I'm paying a few bills,
but I ain't getting rich.

Which brings me
to my next proposal.

It's high time we expand
your little operation,
sell abroad.

I ain't selling no broads.

[laughing]

- That's good.
- Yeah.

Yeah. No, I'm talking
about neighboring counties.

I can't afford to go to jail.
I've got three young'uns
that I'm raising.

You're thinking small, Jesse.

We could be partners.

Rich as rich,
chocolaty Ovaltine.

[grunting]

[Jesse] I really don't think

it's right that I cut you in
after you've been elected.

It's kind of like bribery,
don't you think?

It is bribery, Jesse.

What the hell you think
we've been doing out there,

selling cotton candy to nuns?

One way or the other,
I'm gonna get my money.

You got two weeks,
then I'm sending Rosco out
to foreclose on the farm.

No more slipping on payments.

Hey, where did she go?

- Who?
- Who?

Uh!

Come on,
we'll save you, Dainty.

Hang on, girl.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Come on.

Whoa!

[groans]

- [squealing]
- No, no. Hold on. Come on.

Oh, no.

[pig farts]

Oh!

Would you pull, Bo?

That is...
What did she eat?

[both screaming]

[car alarm sounding]

Dainty!

Dainty!

Did you meet my nephews
over there, Bo and Luke?

Y'all better pray
my girl survives.

Two weeks
and your farm is mine.

Dukes have been living
and dying on this farm
for 150 years.

Great Grandpa Duke
built this out of a bucket
of nails and a rock.

My pa died
sitting in that chair
right where you are, Luke.

Shat himself and then
went gently into the night.

God rest his soul.

Hell, I was born
right here on this table.

Mama's water broke,
I popped out there

like a log ride
at a water park.

I can't lose my home.

Look, I'll get a job
at the Boar's Nest.

And I'll crack open
some shine to settle
our nerves.

Can't wait for
that tasty beverage.

You ain't never
drinking that shine.
You hear me?

Now, J.D.'s mad.

And that stunt y'all
pulled with the flying pig
didn't help none.

And he's gonna collect.

And I couldn't
make enough shine

and still have time to run it
and cover the loan.

No. But we could.

Hell, yeah.
We could run it.

Us working together,
we'd come up with the money.

No, your folks
sent y'all down here
to be good men,

not to be shine runners.

And if you get
throwed in jail,

you could be there
a long time.

Listen, Uncle Jesse.
We don't have a choice.

All we have is two weeks.

If we sell enough...

And we're quick enough...

You don't have to worry
about Boss Hogg again.

We're Dukes.
This is our farm, too.

And no one's
taking it from us.

It ain't a bad idea,
Uncle Jesse.

All we need is...

A fast car.

Yeah.

[Balladeer]
There's an old saying
that the journey of

a thousand miles begins
with a single step.

Sometimes those steps
can be blocked by a bunch
of annoying little girls.

Hello, tiny girls.

[Bo] Excuse me, ladies.

Have any of you
adorable little tykes
seen a super-charged,

high performance, V-8 engine
laying around here anywhere?

- [groans]
- Look, we're nine,
what do you want from us?

Oh, that's it.
Come here. Come here.

Oh, you hide behind those
pigtails and those braces,
come on. Come on.

Man, that guy's an idiot.

[Bo] She ain't worth it.

Yeah. She's lucky
you won't beat up
anything under ten.

She's lucky I got standards.

A gasoline bomb
just detonated
in my heart.

Who are they?

The Handy sisters.

Brooke and Ali.
Look, those girls have
reps for doing anything.

- Stay away.
- Oh, definitely.

Definitely gonna
stay away from the girls
who'll do anything.

Sound advice.
I'm gonna go
talk to them.

Who needs to talk when you got
a blonde river on your head?

Bo, let me talk to them.

Blonde river.

- Talk.
- Blonde river.

[both grunting]

Hello, up there.

- Hey, y'all.
- Hi.

Yeah. I'm Luke. Cousin Bo.

Charmed.

- [Luke] Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

Thanks.

[whispers] That is awesome.

Fellas.

We gotta go.
We got some business
to attend to.

We do?

We do. It was nice
chatting with you.

Come on.

[bell ringing]

[Balladeer] So, they set out
to find the perfect car.

Starting at the high school,
where kids learn reading,
writing

and the real meaning
of third base.

There's only one guy I know
who is a genius with cars.

Are sure, Daisy?

I mean, we need
a serious garage,
not some high school.

[Balladeer] They might
cut home economics
and the debate squad,

but there's always
room in the budget for
shop class in Hazzard.

How come boys
never notice me?

'Cause you're dressed
like a lady golfer

who likes to
swoon lady bikers.

No, he's kidding.

You're more of
a lady construction worker
on her day off.

So, where is this engine whiz
you've been talking about?

Somebody call my name?

Hey. Hey.

- Daisy Duke.
- Cooter.

These are my cousins,
Bo and Luke.

Pleasure to meet you,
Sweet Innocent
and Dark Mystery.

[whoops] Just nicknames.
Take 'em or leave 'em.

My stars.
That is real nice.

Hey, I'll bet that
breathes real good,
doesn't it?

Are you the shop teacher?

Hell, no. I'm a student.

Daisy tells us you know cars.

Cars? Yes.

Look at this baby.

Math and history? No.

A high school diploma
remains just out of reach.

Lord willing
and the creek don't rise,

they'll let me be
a senior a fourth time.

There's still much work
to be done here.

We need something reliable.

Something with speed.

Speed I can do.

My trademark? Horns.

[car horn playing
"La Cucaracha"]

[clears throat]

That song needs work.

OK, you want something
a little more edgier, then?

What do you say,
we test drive
this sucker, huh?

Well, shit.
I'll try anything once.

Except guy-on-guy.
I'm just kidding.

I'd try that.

All right. Come on.
I got the perfect place
to open her up.

[both whooping]

[Bo] Watch out.
Watch your back.

Coming through.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Whoa!

[Luke] Look out, man.

[Bo] Coming through. Bo Duke.

[Luke]
You're gonna kill us, Bo.

[Balladeer]
Here's a little reminder

that we live in the greatest
country on the planet.

- [girls screaming]
- Oh, man.

Hello, ladies.

[Bo] Oh, you missed a spot.

Hey!

[Enos] Please don't touch that!

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Get back and help me.

[Enos] Bo, you can't go there.

Don't be driving down
the halls like that.

You can't be driving
down the halls like that.

Slow down.
Pull that thing over.

[Bo] Oh, no. Oh, man.

- Well, I could jump it.
- [Luke] It?

Her. It.

Whatever. I can jump it.

[grunting]

[both whooping]

Hot damn.

I ain't seen moves
like that since a tornado

touched down in
Miss Lally's class

and ended
the evolution debate
once and for all.

[whoops]

- Hey, Enos.
- Cooter.

Are you mixed up with them?

Like a mixed romaine salad

topped with
vinaigrette and pecans.

Woo-hoo.

- Hi, Enos.
- Hi, Daisy.

Looks like
you got manhandled.

Actually, it was
the JV cheerleading squad.

Thank God it wasn't varsity.

Listen, Enos.
My cousins are new in town.

Maybe, as my friend,
you can let them go.

Just this once.

Oh, sure, Daisy. For you.

Let's get you back together.

They don't teach you
about cheerleaders

in training you
to be a hall monitor.

I'd say you can handle
that engine, Cooter.
Yeah?

Now all we need is
the perfect body.

Boys, I feel like
I've been failing

my whole life
for this moment.

Come on.
I know a place.
Hop in.

[Balladeer]
The county junkyard.

Yep. You might see
nothing but piles of junk,

but these boys see
warm dollops of clay

ripe for sculpting
into greatness.

[Bo humming]

What are you
looking for, Buddha?

My gut is gonna tell me
when I've found the right car.

All right, don't
question me on this

and I won't question you
on being a virgin.

All right,
who told you that, huh?

I want names, addresses,
phone numbers, next of kin.

'Cause I've slept
with thousands of women.

Oh, well, that's smart
in this day and age.

Well, we're all virgins
till we've been with
the one that we love.

Well, that's good.
Except I ain't a virgin.

Virginity ain't a crime, now.

Except in the State of Bo.

Oh, watch this.

[groans]

Ooh.

I'm OK.

What's with sliding
across the hood.

Why would I waste my time
walking all the way
around the car?

Think, Luke.
You're supposed to be
the smart one.

I'm the good-looking one.

I know the right car
is here somewhere.

[Luke] Bo.

[Cooter] I admire his passion,
but that boy is crazy.

Well, what do you say
we call it a day?

Go cool off.
Get some smoothies.

I know a place.

[Luke] All right.

Come on, big guy.

Boys,
welcome to Hogg's Ravine.

[Luke] Is there anything
Hogg doesn't own?

Nope.

But one day, I'm gonna
open up my own garage.

Cooter's Garage.

It'll have my name on it.

Boss ain't gonna own that.

Hey, what's on the other side
of the ravine?

Factory for Hogg's Ice Cream.

Hogg makes ice cream?

Yup, yup, yup.
I never had any,

but I heard the peach melba's
absolutely outrageous.

Anyway, no one's
allowed over there.

Road's all gated up.

Boss is very protective
of his recipe.

Hey, boys.

[country music playing
on stereo]

[giggling]

Sunny-side up or over easy?

Call it in the air.

I've always been
a breast man.

OK, you take the rack,
I'll take the back.

Watch and learn, Luke.
Watch and learn.

Ladies, do me.

Hey, girls, watch me.

Why you got to
go and do that?

[girl] I like it.

Anybody ever dive in there?

[Cooter] Sometimes.

[Luke screaming]

[both laughing]

I'll be dipped.

You said people dive
in here all the time.
I thought it was safe.

Oh, no, hell, no.

I said sometimes people dive.

Most of the time
they end up crippled

or on life support
or brain damaged.

- Oh, man.
- Just depends.

Oh, man.
I'm coming for you, Luke.

[grunting]

Come on.
Don't die on me, now.

[Balladeer] You'd think
Bo'd be under water looking
for his drowning cousin.

But it's hard to think
about your loved ones

when you've found
a sunken treasure.

Breathe.

[gasps]

Score one for Cooter.

There is a car down there.

Thanks for saving me, Bo.

It's a '69 Dodge Charger.

Well, I'll be
mud on a frog's back.

Hey, back in my pop's day,
they used to dare each other
to jump the ravine.

Some stupid son
of a bitch tried.

Sounds like
he didn't make it.

Nobody can.
It's impossible.

Car must not be
that hot, neither.

No. That is the car.
I can feel it.

It just hasn't found
the right driver yet.

It's from the Civil War.

[♪ Josey Scott: "If You
Wanna Get to Heaven"]

♪ I never read it in a book ♪

♪ I never saw it on a show ♪

♪ But I heard it in the alley ♪

♪ On a weird radio ♪

♪ If you want a drink
of water ♪

♪ You got to get it
from a well ♪

♪ If you want to
get to heaven ♪

♪ You got to
raise a little hell ♪

♪ I never felt it in my feet ♪

♪ I never felt it in my soul ♪

♪ But I heard it the alley ♪

♪ Now it's in my
rock and roll ♪

♪ If you want to
know a secret ♪

♪ You got to promise
not to tell ♪

♪ If you want to
get to heaven ♪

♪ You got to raise
a little hell ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

What's your lucky number, Bo?

Uh, one.

♪ If you want to
get to heaven ♪

♪ You got to
raise a little hell ♪

[Balladeer] Ain't that just
about the most beautiful
thing you've ever seen?

That car kicks so much ass
it should have feet.

Why you gotta
go and do that?

Because it's cool.

You sure you don't want me
to weld your side shut?

No.

All right.

[whoops]

Ready, coz?

Ready, coz.

[Cooter]
All right, boys, listen.

This little baby here...
Oh, sorry.

That's mechanic talk.

This car,
well, it's got enough parts,
it'd make the Pentagon wet.

All right? Break it in
nice and easy.

Race you.

[whooping]

[both whooping]

[Luke] Go, Bo!

I'm not gonna see that car
for a while, am I?

I don't think so.

[whooping]

[whooping]

Oh, my goodness.

I wanna paint.
I wanna sail.

I wanna help
old people and children.

But most of all,
I wanna drive this car

right through
the sound barrier.

Oh, my God.

Bo just discovered
religion and Cooter.

Cooter, you're his prophet.
Thank you, man.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

It's OK, pal.

I promised myself
I wouldn't cry today.

Look at me.

You're an honorary
Duke now, Cooter.

You know, when I was
a Ridge Runner moving shine

and leaving them cops
choking in my dust,

we used to name
our cars after generals.

Oh, well, then,

this should be named
after the greatest of all.

General Lee.

You know, running shine
is a lot like knowing

how to kill a man
with your thumb 12 ways.

It ain't really that hard
once you know how,

but you got to
practice at it.

You can kill a man
with your thumb?

Forget that part.
Here's what you
got to remember.

It's more than
just speed out here.

You got to be smart.

Been going over
this map of Hazzard.

I think I got
our routes figured out.

Well, that's good.
But you got to improvise.

Unforeseen circumstances
come up quicker than
a stiffy on prom night.

Best advice I ever had
was from an old moonshiner
buddy of mine,

old "Three Nipples" Ned.

The man had three nipples?

No, he really had four,
but we didn't want to
call attention to it.

So he told us
on his death bed,
he said these three words.

He said, "Don't get caught."

Cops got him?

No, actually it was
Emmy Lou Hassett.

It was that tertiary syphilis.

That's another thing
you want to remember, now.

If you don't want your pecker
to feel like a flame-thrower,

you better wear a rubber.

Uncle Jesse, don't you think
we should sample the product

for our customers' sake?

Yeah, yeah, Bo's right.
I mean, people might
have questions.

I don't think y'all's folks
want y'all out here drinking
and driving shine.

Time to baptize the General.
Come on.

[Balladeer] For a week
those boys tore up
and down the county

making stops for every
teacher, preacher
and milkmaid in sight.

Bo and Luke became
the fastest shine runners
in Hazzard history.

[both laughing]

Holy water.

[Luke] Thank you.

[Bo whooping]

[people chattering]

[Balladeer]
So things were tasting
sweeter than applejack

in a honeydew melon
for the Duke boys.

But remember,
Daisy wanted to
help out, too,

and she'd be damned
if she wasn't gonna
make a contribution.

Well, a new face in Hazzard.

Now, I'll tell you city folk
ain't really my type,

but this was a flavor
Daisy had never tasted.

Excuse me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I just want to see
about a waitressing job.

Look, don't worry.
A little water will
take that right out.

Look. [chuckles]

I'm not trying to be rude,

but you just don't
have the right look

for the Nest.

These girls are tough,
confident.

Oh, right.

Hey.

[Balladeer] Her interviewing
skills leave something to be
desired.

Thank you.

But she accomplished
one thing.

Daisy done gone
and got herself smitten.

Daisy?

I just acted like a fool
in front of the most

gorgeous, handsome man
ever to come to Hazzard.

But I just got here.

[Bo] Ladies, hello.

Ladies.

Hi.

Brooke! Ali!

Ladies! How you doing?

Cooter.

Yeah?

Let's make a toast.

[Cooter] Yes, yes,
let's make a toast.

To waking up in Chickasaw

in the strong protective
arms of a female
correctional officer.

Ho!
What a night!

[clears throat]

We're gonna go.

Yeah, we're teaching
erotic dance
at the senior center.

And we're late. Sorry.

- Don't go!
- Don't go!

[both laughing]

Thanks a lot, Cooter.

Was it the toast?

[country music playing
on stereo]

Sorry.

You guys came in
in that '69 Charger, right?

The General Lee.

Hi, I'm Hughie,
the new manager.

Yeah.

I thought you'd like
some Hogg d'oeuvres
on the house. Well, come on.

[stammering]
Those Boss Hoggs in a blanket
are absolutely magic.

Yes, they are.

So I got to say,
you guys have one killer
orange car out there.

Yeah, two things
I can't live without.
My car

and my cell phone.

Except I can't get
any reception around here.

How do you guys survive?

We use a CB.

A CB.

Well, I have to
get back to work,

but you know
we should hang out

if you guys know
anything to do around here.

Oh, yeah,
we know lots to do.

Yeah, all right.
Excellent.

Well,
I'll see you guys around.

[Hughie] Sorry, guys.

Boss told me
to turn up the TV
every time he's on.

Folks, Hazzard's sick.
What's the cause?

Greedy shiners like these two

selling their liquid fire
to the unsuspecting.

Come on.

Now let this be
a warning to all you
moonshiners out there.

My deputies will find you,

they'll smoke you
out of your holes,

and they'll send you
back to hell.

I ain't done yet!

Earlier today I declared
Hazzard a dry county,
and anyone

who uncovers
a moonshine operation

will collect a handsome
$25,000 reward.

[all cheering]

[Boss] OK.

Now to show
my level of commitment,

I'm turning my own Boar's Nest
into an ice cream parlor.

Yummy, huh?

That's good eating,
right there.

Let this be known,

that together
we can all live high
on the Hogg.

[all cheering]

How do you like my Hoggettes?

Thank you.

[Luke] I can't believe
that Boss declared war on us.

- You worried?
- Please.

The General Lee comes
equipped with a gas pedal
and my foot.

We got the fastest car
in 37 counties.

Well, well, well.

Afternoon, Rosco.
We just saw you on TV.

You know, you make
a convincing sheriff.

You really do.
Hey, Flash.

Don't you touch Flash,
you deviant. Hey!

You know I got a couple of
shine-swilling weasels

in the back of my squad car,

and they're starting
to smell like ass.

Where is that
shine-selling uncle of yours?

You know, you're much
better-looking in person?

Delicate. TV hides
how pretty you really are.

Now, I didn't
come over here to have you
tell me how pretty I am.

I know how pretty I am.

Now you open up
the General Lee

and let me see
that contraband.

Come on, move.

[Rosco]
That's why they call me
the rattlesnake, boy.

'Cause when I sense trouble,
I strike.

[Bo] ...contraband, Rosco.

[Balladeer] Figures
old Rosco'd leave the keys
right on the seat.

[Luke] Go, go, go.

He's dumb as a screen door
on a submarine.

[Luke] That's a real fancy car
you got here, Rosco.

Almost make you seem
like a real sheriff.

Well, thank you for...
Wait a minute.

I am the real sheriff here.

I won 46.7% of the vote.

Who did you run against?

Well, I ran unopposed,

'cause no one was man enough
to run against me.

Now you get this rig
popped open real quick-like,

like a little tiny
Chinese toy box... Hey!

They gave you
a real gun, Rosco.

That is awesome.
That is great.

Hey, don't you touch that.
That's standard issue.

Don't touch my puppy.
Don't touch her.

Hey, my bullets! What...

Oh, now look what I've done.

- Hey, there.
- Here you go.

Don't rub it
on your leg like that.

We got chores to do, Rosco.

It ain't easy
being a simple farmer.

No, no, this is
an unacceptable...

[Rosco]
Give me that moonshine.

Yeah, I got to get
that door fixed, Rosco.

Sorry about that.
See you next time.

[Rosco] I know there's
shine in here.

- Hey!
- Oh, wait, Rosco.

Maybe next time
you can chase us
like a real cop.

You let them go,
little Flash honey.

[Bo whooping]

Don't you burn rubber on me!

I know where you live!

[police radio chattering]

Hey! Hey, now...

Hey, this is Rosco.

We got some
shiners on the run.

Looks like
y'all were right, boys.

They're locking up people.

J.D. had Rosco run off
all our customers.

Ain't right,
them scaring people.

Well, this is getting
way too dangerous.

That could be y'all
in jail, or even worse.

Don't say it,
Uncle Jesse.

I'm not about to
send y'all home

to your folks
in wooden boxes,

and this farm ain't
worth saving if we got
to lose you boys.

There's got to be
something we can do.

Maybe there is.

I got a couple of suits
at home that might fit y'all.

What do you say
we pay old J.D. a visit?

It might be time
to call a truce.

Oh, my gosh.
You boys look like

you just fell off
a wedding cake.

Thanks, Daisy.
What're you doing?

Hughie ain't
rejecting me again.

[♪ Joanna Cotten:
"High Maintenance"]

Hot enough for you, Hughie?

♪ We gotta do this right ♪

♪ We gotta map this site ♪

♪ Double check our figures ♪

♪ Remove all doubt ♪

♪ You gotta curl them lashes ♪

♪ You gotta line them lips ♪

♪ You gotta know
what flatters ♪

♪ The curvature of your hips ♪

♪ We need a lot of experts ♪

♪ For hiding every flaw ♪

♪ Going up against gravity ♪

♪ Breaking every natural law ♪

♪ From head to heels ♪

♪ We gotta pump this up ♪

♪ It takes a whole lot
of work ♪

♪ To get that good look ♪

♪ It's high... ♪

What's the point?
I should be a nun.

[Balladeer] Doesn't Daisy
look mighty discouraged?

But some lessons
you got to learn by yourself.

You leave a spark alone
you might just find yourself

in the middle of
a raging inferno.

♪ You walk in the room ♪

♪ You got it going on ♪

♪ The image of
perfection, baby ♪

♪ Yeah, you're the bomb ♪

[Balladeer] So while one Duke
is on a quest to find
her inner hotness,

the other Dukes
are about to get
all hot and bothered

by a first-class
culinary experience care
of Mrs. Lulu Hogg.

So, you boys ever
roasted a turkey before?

Uh, no, Miss Hogg.

Oh, please, call me Lulu.

It's Arabic for pearl.

You know
where to find a pearl?

Open a clam,
spread the fleshy pink meat
with your fingers,

and find something beautiful.

[Balladeer]
You know it's summer,

'cause this woman's
in heat and insane.

Mm-hmm.

You keep this up,
you're gonna
get my boys hurt.

Your boys are riding shine,
not a-riding ponies.

Getting hurt's
part of the territory.

Now we pat her dry, boys.

Not that she don't
enjoy being wet,

but she likes to have
her bottom patted.

There. Come on, Luke.

Yeah, go on, Luke.
Don't be shy.

You love to cook.

That's Hazzard Mountain
over there.

You remember we flipped
that car seven times.

Shook our brains up
a little bit,

we still got up
and delivered that load
on time, on foot.

- Remember that?
- Ancient history.

Well, I don't
forget things like that.

You done broke the pact
that we used to live by.

You don't hurt
a fellow moonshiner.

You broke the pact
when you ended our
business arrangement.

Now that you aren't
a friend of J.D. Hogg,

you're finding
Hazzard to be lonelier

than a chubby kid
at space camp.

Now, you wanna
stuff her body cavity.

Come on.

Mm.

Stuff it good. Good.

You try to get
deep inside there.

Come on, now.
Get on up in there.

Get it in there, Luke.
Come on.

Come on now.

- Go on in there.
- [Bo] Come on, Luke.
Don't be shy.

- OK.
- Stick it in there. Come on.

Come on, Luke.

Look, Jesse loses control.
Can he recover?

You're gonna let
this personal feud

between you and I
get out of hand.

You got a dry county,
and you're arresting
moonshiners.

These are nice guys.

Your moonshining
days are over.

It's time for a new career.

How about farming?

Oh, hell, that's right.

You've only got
the farm a few more days.

Jesse crashes and burns.

Our condolences
to his family.

But the unbeatable,
undeniable J.D. Hogg
takes his victory lap,

collects a million dollars
and shags a movie star.

Yeah,
you're in a pickle, Jesse.

It's amazing.

You are single
and down for anything.

Any girl would
love to snatch you up.

He's right.

Now for the most
important part.

We baste her with hot juices.

She loves getting basted.

There you go.

[moans]

[Lulu] Oh, God.

Uh, Sis, where is Flashy
and his little squeaky toy?

You know, the one that
looks like a bandido?

You fellas wait right here
while I go get my gun.

Dear Brother,
you are in my home

'cause your wife tossed
you out on your ear.

Now, if you don't want to
sleep at the jail,

leave these boys alone.

These hoodlums
are trespassing.

As far as I'm concerned,
they are innocent

until someone else
is proven more adorable.

[moans]

Well, I'm gonna
nail you Dukes
hard from behind

when you least expect it.

Kinky.

All right, boys, come on,
let's get out of here.

Y'all let me know
if you need any
job applications.

I do own a few
businesses in town.

You come back any time, Luke.
You'll be my special helper.

Oh, he'll be back.

When do we bust them, Boss?

Don't you worry, Rosco.

If I know Jesse,
he ain't done cooking shine

until they plant his corpse
with the spring crops.

[laughing]

[Jesse] I want to show
you boys something
that I'm real proud of.

We'll take your word for it.

I've been working
long and hard to make
this one come out right.

OK, that's disgusting.

This is where we hide
the Duke still.

[Balladeer]
Welcome to the place
where dreams are made.

And illegally bottled
and sold at a profit.

[Bo] Luke, I have a feeling
that we are about to see

how the VIPs are
treated at this farm.

[Jesse] This old still has
been in our family for over
100 years, boys.

It makes the best
shine in the county.

Back during Prohibition,
Great Grandpa Duke

called together a meeting
of all the shiners.

It was his idea to
sell a lot at one time

and make enough money
to get through the winter.

Genius. A flea market
for moonshiners.

Yeah,
kind of like a Shine Mart.

Well, this is
our last shot, boys.

So we got to make a lot
in the next 24 hours.

Let's not waste any time.

Let's go get Daisy.

Wait.

Leave Daisy alone.
She's got her heart set
on that job at the Nest,

and I ain't seen her
this passionate

since she played
the Virgin Mary

at the Christmas pageant.

[people chattering]

Ain't nothing exciting
ever gonna happen
around here again.

[man] Shit!

I want a job here.

Done.

I want you take me
out tomorrow night.

Done.

Hey,
what's your cell phone number
so I can call you.

Cell phone?
Oh, you can reach me by CB.

My handle is Bo Peep.

Y'all have
a pleasant evening.

You can put your eyeballs
back in your head.

[men chattering]

[Balladeer] Shine Mart,
where the community comes

for bull rides,
booze and breasts.

That's what I call
real family values.

Attention, folks.
If you drank
Ugly Andy's shine,

you might want to report
to the medic's tent

'cause you got
two minutes to live.

[Balladeer] But tonight's
not all about fun.

This is the Dukes' last shot
at saving the farm.

Nice bouquet.
Slightly fruity.

Burns your balls off.
Makes you blind.

I'll take six cases.

[laughing]

♪ Many things my words
can never say ♪

♪ My angels will surround me ♪

♪ And within my heart
forever stay ♪

[man 1]
Hey, it's Uncle Jesse!

[all cheering]

[man 2] Yeah, Uncle Jesse!

♪ Eagle, forever cry my name ♪

♪ When I wake up ♪

♪ Your tears will shed
a potion to my pain ♪

♪ Our soul shine
like northern light ♪

Cooter!

Hey, Candy Corn

and Licorice Stick.
Nicknames.

Use them or lose them.
Your choice.

Oh, hang on.

She's going to
pick a dance partner.

P-Pick me!
C-Cooter can dance!

Right here!
Got my hand up!

Come on, right here!

I'll make you red hot!
I'll get you going!

Come on! Pick me!
Pick me! Pick me!

Have you seen enough?

I think so.

Come on.

[man on PFolks,
there's a pickup truck,

license plate,
Shiner Sixty-Niner.

Your lights are on.

Red hot!

You got somebody
you want to call?

Well, if you weren't
right here, I'd call you.

But since you're
right here...

You wanna go inside?

All I want is one taste
of that sweet, fiery nectar.

- I know!
- [Jesse] Come here.
I wanna tell y'all something.

First Shine Mart
we had over here,

Feds come in to bust us,

but they couldn't
find no evidence.

Me and Grandpa Duke
drank it all up.

I was blind for four days.

I couldn't see
a goddamn thing.

I didn't have no hands,
I didn't have no legs.

Just kind of floated
around for a while.

Said they found me
the next morning,

I was bumping
a six-row cultivator
all night long.

[all laughing]

So why can't we drink shine?

Your folks don't want
y'all drinking shine.

You can't handle it.

A couple of little cuties
there that might want to
go for a roll in the hay.

You got my permission
to do that if you want to.

And Duke 'em one time
for Uncle Jesse.

- You got it, Uncle Jesse.
- Thanks, Uncle Jesse.

I'm waiting.

How long?

Till marriage.

We have to keep
our clothes on.

You mean dry-humping?

In layman's terms...

We need a blueprint,
a strategy to get inside

these girls' hearts
and their pants.

There's those
cute boys again.

Of course,
what about being spontaneous?

Just go up, startle them,
terrify them,

say the first thing
that comes to our head.

I can't do that.

If I can ask questions
and pretend to listen,

then you can
go up to Ali Handy

like a commando
with a death wish

on his last mission.

- Yeah.
- Go.

- Ali Handy?
- Mm-hmm.

Me and you is like
nitroglycerin and
diatomaceous earth.

Pure dynamite when combined.

You care to join me
for a bull ride?

[chuckles] No.

I'll watch.

I bet you're
pure sex on a bull.

Oh, to be young again.

I'd like to ask you
a few questions.

Ooh! Ask away, then.

What is all this about
alternative energy?

And how do you
keep your ass so firm?

Want to get comatosed?

So that's what
firewater tastes like.

Good stuff.

[breathing heavily]

That was amazing.

We'll have to try
that wet sometime.

You'll have to put
a ring on my finger.

That is incredibly hot.

Let's get drunk.

I ain't never
got drunk before.

It's a night of firsts, huh?

I heard your uncle
makes the best moonshine
in the state.

Where did you hear that?

It's a small town.

Hey, Daisy,
you can trust me.

I'm not like other guys.

You can't tell a soul.

Promise?

Promise.

[Balladeer]
Something here stinks,
and it ain't me.

Oh, oh, I'm blind.

The damn shine
makes you blind.

They've never been
drunk before, huh?

Like all boys,
they've never been
a lot of things.

Sophisticated,
graceful or...

[shushing]

You'll wake the stars.

They're real pretty stars.

Makes me wanna cry.

Hey, let's do another shot.

- [police siren wailing]
- I swear the boys
in this town...

- Cops.
- Cops.

[Rosco]
Hold it right there, now!

We got
a moonshine party, Boss.

[gun firing]
All right, everybody!

Hold it! Freeze! Freeze!

[laughs]
Look at them all running.

Wilma...

Shouldn't you be
home with the kids?

My, my, my.

All right,
y'all want the good news
or the bad news first?

Well, the good news is
this heat spell's
supposed to lighten up.

The bad news is
you're all going
to jail tonight.

- Uh, Boss?
- Yeah?

I don't think them
Duke boys is here, Boss.

You ain't ruining
my special night, Rosco.

Now we'll get them,
sooner or later.

But for now,
this prom queen is going to
enjoy his special moment.

Excuse me.

'Cause the reason is
sitting right here.

What in the world's
happened to you, J.D.?

Oh, no, call me "Boss."

[rooster crowing]

Where are the girls?

Damn it.
I still have my underwear on.

Man, Shine Mart was
awesome last night.

I don't remember
anything about it.

Uncle Jesse is
going to be pissed.

[siren wails]

[Luke] Oh, my God!

[Bo] I wonder what happened.

We better go
find Uncle Jesse.

[groans]

[man whistles]

[man] Look awful nice, girl.

[Rosco] All right, knock it
off back there, boys.

I don't know
what all the fuss is about.

Well, you're missing
99% of your pants.

And the other one percent
is covering your magic part.

Well, I like the way
they make me feel.

Hughie likes them.

Of course he does.

[Daisy] Uncle Jesse.

Easy there, Twiggy.

Now, you will keep
your hands off
the zoo critters. Hmm?

Now you got five minutes
to do what youse gots to do.

We're sorry, Uncle Jesse.

We never should have
left you there at Shine Mart.

Then you'd be in
jail with me now.

I'm sorry I got
y'all into this.

I was a big fool to do that.

So how y'all holding up?

Well, these old guys ain't
got no business in here.

They got farms
and families at home.

Well, worry no more.

We have got
a foolproof plan
to bust you out.

All right,
so I'm going to rig this jail

with 500 pounds of
military-grade C-4,

blast a hole big enough
for the General
to drive through...

Yeah, yeah, I got you.
But why don't you

just catch a bus
and go back home?

You need to lean on us
like we lean on you.

Never abandon
a fellow runner.

I'll tell you
what we might do.

J.D. has got a lot
of important papers
over at his house.

And I know
he's up to something.

That would be
a good place to start.

'Cause once a shiner,
always a shiner.

All right.
We'll go up there right now.

Be careful.
Don't run in there
too quick. Be smart.

Be strong.

[Balladeer] Now why would
an old moonshiner

like J.D. Hogg
lock up Uncle Jesse?

That's what the boys
are here to find out.

But first they got
to distract Lulu.

And that's up to Luke,
and he ain't
exactly thrilled.

See, Lulu is only
distracted by two things.

Barbecue and hot,
succulent boys.

Stop worrying
and roll with it.

Trust your instincts.

I don't have instincts.
I have plans.

At least I used to,
until now.

[Bo] All we got to do
is stall Lulu for ten minutes,

then we're gone.

I mean, what could happen
in 10 minutes, right?

["Dixie" playing]

Hi, boys.

Howdy, Lulu.

You are looking fine today.

Thank you.

Can I-I-I be your...

special helper?

Oh, yes. Come. Come on.

It was sweet of Bo
to give us some alone time.

Oh, yeah, he's...
He's real generous.

Mm-hmm.

Ah!

You know, you and Boss
look real happy.

Our wedding photo.
J.D. neglects me.

He can't help it, though.

That's why we never
had any kids.

What... you're telling me
the most powerful man
in Hazzard is...

Yup.

Mm-hmm. His testicles
shut down the sperm bank

and sent all
the workers to China.

Now, mind if I slip
into something more...

Comfortable?

Oh, I was gonna say
boner-inducing,

but "comfortable"
is a polite way of putting it.

[BalladeeWhile Luke's
learning the fine art
of seducing

the mentally
deranged upstairs,

Bo's searching for
evidence downstairs.

This is for Uncle Jesse.

I can do this, man.
This is for Uncle Jesse.

Yeah, for Uncle Jesse.

Come to mamacita. Come on.

[clicking tongue]

Yeah?

Luke,
is this your first time?

- First time?
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, I've slept
with a thousand women.

- Oh, yeah?
- Of all kinds, too.

Sometimes I feel
like I work for the U.N.

And I've done,
done every position.

I've even invented
a few myself.

Boss, you fiend.

First time? That's funny.

Well, honey,
you're more fidgety
than a queer rooster

in an undersexed
henhouse, huh?

Look, if you wanna
take a breather
and go downstairs,

we can go get Bo.

No, no! I want you now.

Oh, oh, Luke.

[Balladeer]
Looks like J.D.'s serious

about replacing
beers with milkshakes.

Then again, things ain't
always what they seem.

That's the golden
rule in Hazzard.

[groans]

[Boss] You shut
the door one more time,

I'll marinate you,
grill you and eat your ass
for supper. Goodbye!

Luke.

Luke!

[Bo over intercom]
You are going to die!

Luke, come in!

Lulu, my steamed dumpling!

Big Daddy Trouble's home!

Damn! What's going on?

Oh, you Duke boys
are in trouble now!

[Bo] Pull out!

Pull out!

Big Daddy Trouble's
coming, Lulu!

Oh, Big Daddy Trouble,
save me, save me!

Now, Big Daddy Trouble,
I-I was just paying Miss Hogg
here a friendly visit.

Oh, you're gonna
pay a friendly visit
to the emergency room.

[grunts]

Oh, my...

Come on, Luke!

Come back and see me again!

Rosco,
I'm being invaded by Dukes!

[siren wails]

You messing
with me, boys, huh?

[grunts]

Take that for coming
after with my wife!

Luke!

I'm coming, Boss.

Good, Rosco, quick!

Get after them,
them Duke boys.

You won't believe
what happened!

Put the dog down,
take my car, go after them!

You were gonna
leave me again!

You forgot to
fill the tank again.

[gun firing]

[yells]

- [Boss] I'm coming
for you boys!
- Oh, man!

[screams]

[laughing]

Move over!

Oh, I'm ready now.

What is that?

Shit-shine ball.

Whoa!

[both whooping]

Shit!

[tires screeching]

[Bo] I'm backing,
I'm backing, I'm backing!

[Luke] Keep your eyes
on the road!

Eyes? Who needs eyes?

Whoa! "Vote for Boss?"

[both whooping]

Lean to the left!
Lean to the left!

Drive somewhere!

That was fast!

Go!

They're getting...

Rosco!

St. Peter, I'm here.

[whimpers]

Rosco! What are you doing?

They'll be drinking
margaritas in Mexico

by the time you finish
with your nap!

Uh, Flash had a little
puppy meatloaf, Boss.

That's the sickest thing
I've seen today.

Get this thing cleaned up!

God! This mud! Good Lord!

So, this is awkward.

This day never happened,
all right?

If someone ask us
what happened on this day,

we'll say,
"That's the day
we went bowling!"

And not the day
that Lulu Hogg rode you
like a Minotaur?

Exactly.

Not that day.

[Daisy over radio]
Got your ears on, Lost Sheep?

Got our ears on
and eyes peeled.

Listen, fellas,
something strange
is going on here.

I saw boxes being delivered
by armed deputies.

Sort of odd in a place
where lemon sorbet is
on the menu.

Hang on, Daisy,
we'll be there later.

First, we gotta dress up
for the occasion.

[whooping]

Rosco.

You still stink.

You stink so bad,
your kids' kids
are gonna stink,

if anyone'll
procreate with you,
which I doubt.

Now, come on, Boss,
I did my very, very best.

Rosco, if I want advice
on letting criminals escape,

I'll call you.

Calm down.

Them Dukes.
They-They assaulted my boar,

they violated
the sanctity of my home,

and they molested
my tender flower of a wife.

Oh, yeah, Boss,
I can picture it now.

Their greasy little fingers
running all over
her hot buttocks

like a chubby kid
looking for chicken wings
in the bottom of a basket.

Rosco!

You dummy, I don't wanna
imagine the circumstance.

I want them in jail!

Can you do that?
Can you just...

I got enough worries
with my ice cream
parlor investors.

Just add more deputies.

Do whatever it takes.

I-I can't rest
until their gonads
are scattered

to the four corners
of Hazzard.

[Balladeer] Hazzard's a place
where dreams do come true.

Bo and Luke got famous.

Just the wrong way.

Enos finally got deputized.

A hall monitor with a gun.
Lord save us.

With their faces
plastered all over town,

the boys figured
they needed a makeover.

Why the hell do I have
to wear the skirt?

Because you have nicer legs.

Thank you.

[BalladeeNo way to sugarcoat
it, they make damn
fine-looking women.

Get over and talk
to them right now,
you hear me, boy?

All right.

Excuse me.

You ladies don't look like
you're from around here.

- Can I help?
- Yes...

I'm Detective Amanda Smith

and this is my partner,
Anita Davington.

We're-We're with
the Federal Bureau
of Frozen Delights,

and we are conducting
an investigation.

Federal agents?

I'm Deputy Enos Strate.

You know,
you ought to talk to Daisy.

[Enos] She's real nice.

Here she comes now.

If you need
any further assistance,
just give me a holler.

[country music
playing on stereo]

Here's the key
to Boss Hogg's office.

Now, hold on there
one minute, little lady.

Failure to dance
with the sheriff

is a crime here
in Hazzard County,

punishable by ten years
in a maximum-security prison.

Now, my ex, she chucked this
old poon hound to the curb

like a perp charged
on indecent exposure,

failure to communicate,
and wagon wheels
on a wing nut.

[laughing]

She thinks upholding
the law is the only thing
I care about.

But I do have
my other passions.

[muffled laughing]

Don't get fresh, Sheriff.

Oh, my.

You have a grip
like an anaconda.

I bet you could
swallow me whole, too.

Come on, let's go.

[Balladeer]
The boys' wigs got them in.

But it was time to leave
the distracting work
to a professional.

You ain't never
gonna look at a sundae
the same way again.

Oh, baby.

[officer 1]: Oh, my.

♪ Got a love like a flame ♪

♪ I can feel it burning ♪

[officer 2]
Yeah, that's cold,
all right.

♪ When you look my way ♪

Cool me down.

♪ Come on over here, baby ♪

♪ If you wanna get warm ♪

♪ Get out of
those wet clothes ♪

♪ Come in out of that storm ♪

♪ 'Cause it's cold out there ♪

Sweet.

♪ It's gonna get hot ♪

Rosco shouldn't
treat a lady like that.

Now you're a lady?

No, but I should be
treated like one.

Oh, man,
these hose are killing me.

Ooh.

[man] Man, that's hot.

♪ Swell ♪

♪ I know you've been lonely ♪

♪ You've been
feeling the breeze ♪

♪ You need a little love down ♪

♪ A little fire and steam ♪

Hey, look, look at that.

[laughs]

Well, how's it coming
with the investors?

It's just a matter of time
before the other commissioners

turn the whole state dry.

No one resists the Hogg, John,
including Daisy Duke.

It was a lot more fun
finding out about their still

from that hot piece of tail
than those hillbillies,
Bo and Luke.

In less than 24 hours,
we are foreclosing

on that Duke farm
and take that still.

Then you'll add
your premium shine.

You know,
before you go on your
rounds in the morning,

stop by the Boar's Nest.

I got a present
for my favorite nephew.

Hughie's a Hogg.

- Daisy.
- Oh, Daisy.

Daisy, wait!

I can't believe
what a jerk he is!

Daisy, wait!

I know you wanna
wrap your thighs
around his chest

and squeeze the air
out of him,

so do I.

But we cannot let him know
we're on to him.

We gotta follow Hughie
and see where he takes us,
OK?

- I'll kill him
with my bare hands!
- No, Daisy!

You'll get your chance
with Hughie.

Right now, we gotta
think about Uncle Jesse.

Sorry, Daisy.

They have messed
with me at the wrong
time of the month.

[Balladeer]
Here's what we know so far.

Hughie's a no-good,
two-faced Hogg

and Boss is still in
the shine business.

With everybody locked up
and the state going dry,

there'll be one place in town
to get good and hammered,

the Boar's Nest
ice cream parlor.

Hogg will make a killing,
but Bo and Luke are hoping
handsome Hughie

will lead them right
to Boss's shine stash
so they can stop him.

Do you follow?

I never said
this was going to be easy.

[Luke] We'll lose him
if he gets too far ahead!

I can't get too close.
Driving's second nature
to me, Luke.

Orange car.
Smart pick, boys,
smart pick.

What the hell?

I can't see anything.

Hughie is burning some dust.

I can feel the road.
Snake coming.

You can feel the road?

Oh! Damn it,
Bo, be careful!

I got it! I got it!

- Oh, shit!
- Shit!

[Bo] Oh, man!

Beautiful driving.

You know,
you come a long way.

Your instincts are worthless.

- I thought I had him.
- Oh, you lost him.

You lost our best
chance of nailing Boss
and getting Uncle Jesse out.

Plan all you want,
but somebody's gotta

actually drive
and do something.

So you're the smart one,
congrats.

What'd that get us, huh?

You know I should have
left you at the farm
that first night.

Now I'm stuck here
with an idiot.

I'm gone.

That's what you're good at.

Leaving people behind.

Go! No one's gonna miss you.

Now maybe I can
finally get laid.

[groans]

[Balladeer] You know
something ain't right

when Bo kicks the thing
he loves most in the world.

In fact, I'd say there ain't
a whole lot that is right
in Hazzard at the moment.

Poor Uncle Jesse,

just sitting in the clink
wishing he was on
the farm he loves.

Poor hot, juicy Daisy.

First, Hughie foreclosed
on her heart,

then Rosco foreclosed
on the farm.

And so,
things didn't turn out

exactly like we hoped
for the Dukes.

Ain't that the way
life is sometimes?

Thanks! Thanks a lot!

[truck horn blaring]

[♪ Drive-by Truckers:
"Tornadoes"]

Oh, I got it.
I got it, Bo!

♪ The clouds started
forming 5:00 p.m. ♪

♪ The funnel clouds
touched down ♪

♪ Five miles
north of Russellville ♪

♪ The sirens were blowing ♪

♪ Clouds spat rain ♪

♪ And as the thing
came through ♪

♪ I swear,
it sounded like a train ♪

♪ It sounded like a train ♪

I can't follow you, Luke.

I can't cross that line.

I love Hazzard.

I love my hair
in the Hazzard sun.

I love Daisy and Uncle Jesse.

I love the smell of
pig shit in the morning.

I love the feel of
the General Lee's hood
on my tight, toned butt.

Let's forget that
all happened, all right?

Heat of the moment.

It'll never happen again.

- That truck wasn't cold.
- What truck?

A Hogg ice cream truck
just drove by.

I hit it with my hand,
and it was warm.

It's kind of hard to keep
ice cream cold with
a truck with no freezer.

OK, I really am
the good-looking one.

Explain.

Hogg's using the truck
to transport shine.

It's a cover.

And I bet I know
where he's keeping
that shine.

Hogg's Ravine,
the ice cream factory!

[laughing]

Come on. Let's go
find Daisy and Cooter.

[people chattering]

The farm belongs
to Boss at noon.

That doesn't
give us much time.

I'm so stupid
for falling for Hughie.

You're not stupid, Daisy.

You're the smartest person
I know.

He made me feel pretty.

You don't need some big
city jackass to tell you
you're pretty.

Yeah.

Hell, Luke and I wanted
to get nasty with you
several times

till we realized
you were our cousin.

Actually, that didn't
even matter to Luke.

It's true.

Thanks, boys.

So what are we gonna do?

We are gonna get Boss
to pay for the farm
out of his own pocket.

And why would he do that?

[Balladeer] Nothing prettier
than a good plan coming
together amongst friends.

I know y'all are
anxious to hear about it,

but that'd ruin the surprise.

Well, it ain't perfect.

The General's hurt.

[groans]

I can't believe
I'm gonna let you leave
with the seats all torn.

It breaks my damn heart.

And hopefully,
she'll last long enough

for us to do
what we gotta do.

Hope's all we got.

Hope and a prayer.

And a dream.

Hope and a prayer
and a dream.

OK, we got it, Cooter.
Thank you, buddy.

OK.

[Daisy] Be careful.

[Balladeer]
Election day in Hazzard,

where folks are expected
to vote early and vote often

for Jefferson Davis Hogg.

What a beautiful day for
democracy here in Hazzard.

[laughing]

[Balladeer]
Here's part one of the plan.

Y'all are gonna see
what they mean
by beauty and brains.

Hi, Deputy.

Anything exciting happening?

I don't really get
to leave the station,
so this is...

Well, I bet there's
a lot of important
police business here.

Wanna show me around?

Oh, yes, please.

Every voter is going to get
a coupon good for a dollar off

at Hogg's Car Wash
and Delicatessen.

Let's get high on the Hogg!

[Balladeer] Part two,
Cooter's no philosopher,

but he can handle
a tow truck with the grace
of a figure skater.

Now all
the commissioners here,

we've gotten together
and they've seen how
we're living in Hazzard.

It's pure, simple,
it's good.

One hand on the Bible,
the other hand on the plow.

That's why we've all
banded together to turn
our glorious state dry.

Now, this is just
the beginning of
a program that I...

[engine running]

[Balladeer] Part three,
Bo, Luke and the General Lee.

- [people screaming]
- The perfect marriage
of men and machine.

Well, if it ain't
the Duke boys come
to turn themself in!

Rosco...

[Luke over radio] Now, Cooter.

What the...

Oh, boy,
are you all right?

Howdy, Boss.

Oh, you Dukes are gonna face
the firing squad for this.

- [yells]
- Get in.

Go, Bo.

[Bo whooping]

[officer on radio]
Attention all units.

Two male suspects driving
a kick-ass orange '69 Charger

are believed to
have kidnapped
Commissioner Hogg.

All units respond.

Enjoy the sunny day.

[police sirens blaring]

This here is the emergency
broadcast system.

Uh, in case of emergency,
I get on the horn,

they send me in there,
or I make-- I make the call,
I mean...

I ain't never seen
one of these before.

I don't think you should be
playing with that, Daisy.

Enos, hand me
that screwdriver.

Yes, ma'am.

[whooping]

You can slow down
any time you want!

We got no reason to live!

You've taken the farm from us,
locked up my Uncle Jesse,

now you got us on the run.

You plowed my wife's field
you sexual miscreant.

You should burn at the stake!

We'd rather be
the famous outlaws

that died in a police chase.

[both laughing]

Unless you tell us
about your shine business!

That's a good one!
I ain't telling
you Dukes a thing!

It's either jail
or the cemetery

for two no-good
bums like you.

Guess we'll take the cemetery,
then!

Yeah!

Those darn Duke boys.

It don't get
any better than this!

We got them now!

[whooping]

This is Rosco P. Coltrane,
and I'm in hot pursuit
of them Duke boys.

He shot us!

[whooping]

"Protect and serve,"
my ass!

Hot damn!

Get their tires!

Don't shoot me, you stupid...

Hot damn! I'm alive!

What are you doing?

Wait! You ain't gonna do it!

Boss, you got anything
you'd like to say
to your maker,

now's a good time.

You ready, Daisy?

Ten-four. Go for it, Luke.

You're bluffing!

Don't do it! No!

What...

Getting close, Boss.

OK! OK, I...

I locked up your uncle
so I could...

So I could run a monopoly,

shine monopoly out of
the Boar's Nest, see?

- [Boss over PA] Then I'd
watch these normal people...
- He's a pig!

...spending their
hard-earned dollars!

Decent people

spending their money there!
Are you happy?

Are you happy?
Is that a crime?

[Daisy] You boys did it!
Everyone in town heard Boss.

Why, you dirty,
filthy, conniving Dukes!

Well, it don't matter,
though.

You need a little
thing called evidence.

Then we got
one more thing to do!

No you don't!
No you don't!

No!

[officer on radio]
They're heading
back for the ravine!

They're gonna die!

Jump that already!
Jump it!

[all whooping]

[yelling]

["Dixie" playing on horn]

[screams]

[all screaming]

[Bo] Damn!

[Balladeer]
Kind of a nifty plan, huh?

See, the boys just found
Boss Hogg's shine operation.

You know what that means.

Excuse me.

[grunts]

[Balladeer] [laughs] I hope
Boss brought his checkbook.

Oh, boy.

[Balladeer] Folks were mighty
tired of all the shenanigans.

So, Boss was forced
to let the shiners go.

[Jesse] Whoa! Hey.

Well, well, well.

[Rosco] Looks like little
bluebird is ready to fly.

- Hey.
- Hey!

It's the boys and the girl.
How are you?

You know, your folks
sent y'all down here
to learn to be gentlemen,

you wind up breaking the law,
running shine and doing

a damn good job of it, too,
I might add.

Let's blow this
pop stand, come on.

You good-for-nothing.

Take it all in, Hughie

'cause they don't serve
anything this fine in here.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.
No, no.

Daisy, I'm available
for conjugal visits.

Daisy!

[Balladeer] And since someone
needed to take the fall,

Boss set up Hughie
as his personal
Humpty Dumpty.

[grunting]

On one...

[Balladeer] The voters weren't
too happy when they learned
what Hogg was up to.

So they saw fit to
elect a better man.

An honest man.

A... dead man.

Turned out
the shock of winning

was too much for
old man Abernathy.

May he rest in peace.

So the voters,
in their infinite wisdom,
put Boss back in office,

figuring the devil
you know is better than
the devil you don't.

Get your hand
off of there now.

His first official act
was to pardon himself
of all wrongdoing.

Boss regretted
offering that reward
for uncovering shine.

He figured nobody'd
ever catch on to him.

Then, again, he never
figured on Bo and Luke.

They used the reward
to buy back the farm.

Bo finally found someone
who appreciated his
particular driving skills.

[whoops]

Wait! Did I-- Did I pass?

- Yes!
- Yeah!

While Luke found
the one gal impressed

by a fella
who can blow shit up.

[screams]

Looks like he'll
finally lose his virginity,

and to someone who doesn't
sexually abuse poultry.

Uncle Jesse told the kids
he was quitting
the shine business

to spend the rest of his days
as a simple farmer.

They should have known
that didn't smell right.

Once a shiner,
always a shiner.

[Bo] Race you to the General!

Hey, where y'all going?

- [Bo] We'll be back!
- [Luke] Don't wait up!

[♪ John Anderson:
"Good Ol' Boys"]

[BalladeeYou know
the moment in your life

when you realize
you're exactly where
you're meant to be?

[whooping]

Hazzard's a place
where two good old boys
with a fast car

can really make
a name for themselves.

♪ Someday the mountain
might get 'em ♪

♪ But the law never will ♪

[car approaching]

- [Bo and Luke whooping]
- ♪ Makin' their way ♪

♪ The only way they know how ♪

♪ That's just
a little bit more ♪

♪ Than the law will allow ♪

[Luke]
Floor it, Bo. Floor it!

[Bo] Damn!

All right!

["Dixie" plays on horn]

I don't understand
what's going on.

[shouting]

[Boss]
Those Duke sons of bitches!

Oh, shit!

Well,
you dirty son of a bitch...

[director]
Cut, cut, cut, cut.

You two sure are pretty.

[man laughing]

[hip-hop music playing]

Stop hanging around,
you little monkey.

Fucking around is
all I ever care about.

[laughing]

We didn't wanna
hit your dog.

Was I talking to you there,
circle of life,

golden hair,
zebra-eating freak?

Rosco!

Flash had a little

chip wiggle, Boss.

Was I talking to you,
blueberry cobbler ass?

[laughing]

- Gonads scattered in a...
- Stop.

Stop it right there.

I love grease
and scattered gonads, Boss.

[screams]

Come on! Come here,
come here.

You hide behind
those pigtails
and those braces.

Come on, come on!
I can take her!

You got two weeks,

then I'm sending Rosco out
to foreclose on the farm.

And you call yourself
a Mason.

[Boss laughing]

Yes, I do.

That's the sickest thing
I've seen today.
Get this thing cleaned up!

We cleaning, Boss,
we cleaning.

When you say shine,
your eyes go all buggy
like a retarded dragonfly.

[laughing]

[Bo] Hey, can I drive,
Uncle Jesse?

I just got
my learner's permit.

[grunts]

[Jesse] Looks like you got
a little more learning to do.

Besides that,
that ain't my car.

God, you don't
have to push me around
like a dirty, fat kid...

[laughing]

That's a scary-ass pig.

It's really funny
until you have
your hand chewed off.

All right, this is
just for the outtakes.

The cemetery.

You might wanna try some
of that mouth to snout
while you're down here.

Come on, Flash, honey.

Let's go get some
little greeny-weenies,
some Chinese schoolboys.

Oh, no, call me "Boss."

[laughing]

I got you, Boss,
right here in my britches.

This is Rosco P. Coltrane,
production fuck-stick.

[all laughing]

Marker.

[laughing]

You got all tongue-tied,
Boss?

I sure did, yeah.

Did you step in something,
son,

because there's
some kind of...

Help.

Oh, shit.

There goes my career!

It's suicide.
It's suicide.

I gotta... I gotta get out!

["Dixie" plays on horn]