All language subtitles for Seven.Stages.To.Achieve.Eternal.Bliss.2018.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]-eng(1)

[water dripping]

[guitar music]

♪ Wash the sad out
no more pain ♪

♪ All the dark
goes down the drain ♪

♪ Again and again and again

♪ When darkness finds you
you'll be free ♪

♪ Follow the lights and you
will see ♪

♪ The instantaneous eternity

♪ The instantaneous eternity ♪

Life is a journey
and as we move along the path,

we move closer to the light
that awaits us.

But I say, "Why wait?
Why not launch yourself

into that instantaneous
eternity right now?"

It's, like, let's say you love
peppermint ice cream.

And they say, "Well, you can
have peppermint ice cream,

but only if you wait
like 75 or 80 years." Hm.

But then you look
and there's that whole tub of,

pile of peppermint ice cream,
the hog-and-dance stuff,

the expensive stuff,
right there in the freezer.

What are you gonna do?
You're just gonna look at it?

No. You're gonna eat it, right?

And that's what death is.

It's eating that peppermint
ice cream on your terms.

♪ Wash the sad out
no more pain ♪

♪ All the dark
goes down the drain ♪

♪ Again and again
and again ♪

♪ When darkness finds you
you'll be free ♪

♪ Follow the lights and you
will see ♪

♪ The instantaneous eternity

♪ Oh ooh ooh

♪ Ooh-ooh ooh-ooh

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

[telephone ringing]

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

[grunting]

[music continues]

I say to you, ignore the
teachings of the sacred Storsh

at your peril!

My child, you need to be saved.

The sacred Storsh
can give you bliss,

joy and blessings to you...

-Can you put s-some music on?
-Change your story.

-I, I like...
-Change your story!

I like whatever you like.

You must change your story!

[upbeat music on stereo]

[instrumental music]

-Hey!
-Oh, my God! Hi, smiley!

-Hey, smiley.
-Hi! Mwah.

Look, look. [chuckles]

Look what I did. It's us.

Oh, you made
your own toy surprise.

Yeah, well,
there wasn't one in the box.

Cute. Okay, that's great.
Well...

Hey, how was your first day?

Oh, it was, it was really good,
actually.

Yeah, I think everything's gonna
be really fun,

everyone seems nice
and, um, they...

It seems like it's gonna be
really creative.

You will never guess
what campaign I'm doing.

Oh, I'm not good at guessing,
Claire.

No, you can do it. Okay, okay.

One, two, three.

I don't know.

-I-it's Rainbow Oats.
-[gasps] No way!

-I love this bird!
-I know! I know!

I actually said it's my
boyfriend's favorite cereal.

That's so great! Rainbow Oats?

I know, I know.
Well, how was your day?

Oh, God, I had the best day.

-Yeah?
-I had such a great day.

Well, what, what did you do?

Well, some very serious progress
on the job front.

[gasps] You finished
your resume?

-Ye... No.
-Ye...

No, nothing like that.

Um, no, but progress up here.

Well, you know, it, um...

It all starts with a thought.
[chuckles]

Mm-hmm.

Can I have a Rainbow Oat?

Yeah.

[Paul] Hey, should we do
that thing?

-Yeah, let's do this.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah!

-All right.
-[chuckles]

-You ready? Okay.
-Yeah, okay.

-Hm, that went well.
-Mm.

-I'm gonna start.
-Do it.

-Okay, ready?
-Uh-huh.

♪ Do you like me? I suppose

♪ Draw me like a French girl
Jack and Rose ♪

♪ Sun goes up
and you milk that cow ♪

♪ Slap that udder
on the big bad cow ♪

♪ Watch that cow
drink all that grass ♪

♪ Sometimes a donkey's
called an ass-k ♪

♪ Me a question I'll tell you
what I'm thinking... ♪♪

[Paul] Don't, uh... No, no,
every night, every night!

-Aah, you were so close.
-Ah! Oh! At the donkey's ass.

Yeah, the donkey
ask me a question

and I'll tell you
what I'm thinking.

[chuckles]

-I know that smile.
-What smile?

The smile,
less-than-a-smile smile.

Hm.

Can you tell me what's going on?

-Come on.
-No.

-Don't do that.
-No, it's fine.

-You're forcing me.
-No.

I'm going to do it.

You're forcing my fingers
of truth.

-No. No.
-It's happening.

-No. No.
-I'm going to.

-Here I go! I'm going to!
-No, no, Paul!

-Paul, no... No, no...
-I'm going to...

I'll punch you in the balls.

-I'll punch you in the balls.
-Don't do that.

-[laughing]
-Don't do it.

[car honking]

Do you think we did
the right thing moving here?

Yeah, [stammers]
of course we did.

I mean, look at us. We're...

This is like you're,
you're in your dream job

and we're in this
radical apartment,

we just started eating pizza.

Yeah.

Why do you think
the rent is so cheap?

It's like you always say,
you know,

"Sometimes you just get lucky."

Hm...

Yeah.

[wind howling]

[eerie music]

-Oh, God.
-Do you yield?

What?

[shouting] Do you yield?

-No.
-What is your book?

I... [stammers]
What?

Ah! The Book Of Iowa.

I select verse 23!

"And the police
had no solid lead.

The investigation being further
hampered by the suspect's sketch

of a tall Indian man!"

-What?
-Yes! I win!

[grunting]

[intense music]

[mumbling]

[grunting]

Ah. Oh, what...

No! [whimpering]

-Do you yield?
-Yes!

[grunting]

-That's a cake knife.
-So what?

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Claire!

Claire! Claire! Let me in!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, God! Oh, my God!

[Claire screaming]

No! Oh, God, God!

Oh, God!

[Claire screaming]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Are you all right?
Are you all right?

-Oh, no! Oh, no!
-[siren wailing in distance]

What do we do?

-[camera clicks]
-[indistinct radio chatter]

[Cartwright sighs]

Okay, Wallace, enough!

I-i-it's photographed.
He's standing still.

Goddammit!
That flash gives me migraines.

You need 900 pictures?
Are you makin' a 3D model?

-[camera clicks]
-[sighs]

All right, I'm gonna need
to take your statements.

Just tell me everything
that you know

in your own words, Mr., uh...

Boyd. Paul Boyd.

And you're Mrs. Boyd?

Oh, no,
we're, we're not married.

[mumbles] Claire and I need
to get our things sorted.

Mm.

[thudding]

All right. You kids have fun.

Wait a second. A guy just
killed himself in our bathtub.

-Yeah.
-Why?

[sighs]

From time to time,
members of a deranged cult

break and enter
into this dwelling

in order to commit self-murder.

Did the super
not go over this with you

when you looked
at the apartment?

[knocking on door]

Knock, knock! Hi!

Hello, Beatrice.
You're looking wonderful.

And you are looking great,
Bloyce.

-Stop it.
-[chuckling]

-Oh, here you go.
-Oh, what's this?

Oh, I always buy my tenants
a carrot cake

for their first tub death.
It's just a little tradition.

-"Their first tub death?"
-Save me a piece. [chuckles]

I'm making fish sticks later.

Look, honestly, these cultist

t-they're basically harmless.

Their only goal
is an exit strategy.

Are they that different?
What am I doing?

I really do have to go.

Hey! You can't just leave.

We're totally exposed here.

You're totally exposed?

I'm the one that has to clean up
this mess night after night.

Do you think this is how
I planned to spend my evening?

I'm planned to be home
working on my screenplay.

I just got a note that the
detective character doesn't have

enough conflict.
I'm a detective.

It's a screenplay
about a detective.

There's conflict.

This industry is bullshit.

The point is,
instead, I'm here.

More often then you guys,
by the way.

Good luck.

What do we do now?

If I were you, I'd move!

[instrumental music]

[Claire sobbing]

Hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look on the bright side.

Maybe now we can try Winnipeg.

[sobbing]

[keyboard keys clacking]

[eerie music]

♪ Wash the sad out
no more pain ♪

♪ All the dark
goes down the drain ♪

♪ Again and again and again

♪ When darkness finds you
you'll be free ♪

♪ Follow the lights
and you will see ♪

♪ The instantaneous eternity

♪ The instantaneous eternity

[water gurgling]

[instrumental music]

Mm...

[water gurgling]

[operatic singing]

[man] Claire.

Come to me, my child.

[music continues]

Claire.

Yeah, that's it.

Ah, yeah.

[children laughing]

[dramatic music]

Wake up! Wake up, Paul!
Wake up! [chuckling]

-Come on.
-I'm up, I'm up, I'm up...

I was up all night
and I had a revelation.

-You did? What is it?
-Yeah.

We aren't going anywhere.

-We're not?
-No.

-We're not?
-No, because we're in LA.

It's like
the land of, of movie stars

and fancy cars, you know?

There's like five places alone
on this block

where you can get kombucha.

What's that? What is kombucha?

I don't even know.
A-and that's my point.

You know, 'cause if
we're gonna be LA-ians,

we-we gotta,
we gotta adapt, right?

Yeah, yes, yes, I do know,

what you, like a, mm,
like an adaptation.

Yes, and we-we're,
we're not just gonna run away

because some idiots wanna spill
their guts in our bathtub.

No, no. This is our dream,
this is our destiny.

Yes, I don't wanna run, Claire.

I'm, I'm... Like you always say,
I'm lazy.

We are strong
and we are, we are adaptable

and we are,
we are Los Angelenos.

Oh, gosh, dang it. I love you.

-I love you.
-I love you, too.

-I love you, Claire.
-[chuckles]

-Let me go back to bed, though.
-Oh, no.

[car engine rumbling]

Claire, this meeting started
15 minutes ago.

I am so sorry, some guy broke
into our apartment last night

and then committed suicide
in the bathtub.

I-I think he was like,
part of some cult.

The cult of Storsh.

You're living in
the Tabula Building? Why?

Great location,
it's close to freeways.

Moving on. Meegan Nordheim.

You all know her, star
of the reality show Meal Ticket,

stands to inherit
half a billion dollars

from insecticide king,
Armund Nordheim,

who is currently 96 years old

and counting.

And she is now
running for congress

because that's a thing now.

The woman's a monster.

Yeah. She wants an increase
in kill shelters.

I mean, who campaigns
on killing puppies?

She's retained us at the rate of
50,000 a month.

-She has my full support.
-Our country needs her.

Yeah, well, she was up
in the polls as of last night,

but all that's gonna change
because this morning

the Los Angeles Tatlerran
this series of paparazzi photos

showing Ms. Nordheim
enjoying the company

of 20-year-old personal trainer
slash actor, Dake Wharton.

-Oh, my God.
-Is that a squash?

Look, this one's easy. It's a
classic redirect.

She repents, goes to church
every Sunday,

does a couple of guest sermons,
talks about rebirth through God.

Somethin' there. Tony.

[Tony] I mean, I say,
we blame the dude.

Nordheim
was manipulated

by some Hollywood pretty boy
who preys on middle-aged women

in order to extort money
for sex.

Okay, she is the victim here.

-Claire?
-Uh... Um...

[sighs]

When I was in eight grade

Ben Barnes, he drew private
parts on my notebook,

but I-I put stickers
over top of them

and I turned them into unicorn.

I actually still have it,
it's kinda cool.

[chuckles]

[Pearl] Moving on.

[traffic bustling]

[panting]

[grunting]

-Do you yield?
-No.

W-wh-what's your book?

I'm not, I'm not part of this.

You're not here
to use the bathtub?

No, well, I mean,
I use the bathtub.

-It's my apartment.
-You live here?

That's, that's disgusting.

This is our house.
Me and Claire.

Get out, get out.

[intense music]

Oh, hello, Barry.

Danielle, you're looking well.

Please spare me
the pleasantries.

[Danielle] Do you yield?

I do not!

-What's your book?
-The honorable Robert Perkins.

[Danielle] The book
of the honorable Robert Perkins.

I choose verse 60!

[Danielle and Barry]
"Despite having shown

no remorse for these brutal

and cold-blooded murders,
it is my regret that the state

must refile these charges
due to improper warrant

for the search and seizure of
evidence relating to the murder

of Ms. Elizabeth Watson!"

-Watkins!
-[Barry] No!

Watkins!

It's kins! Dammit!

Who knows the book?
I know the book, Barry!

I can tell you this.

This is not over.

Now that is how it's done.

What w-was that?

The challenge,

and next talent.

What I Did Over Spring Break
by Danielle Carter.

"This summer, my mom and
step-dad took us all to Denmark.

We went to Legoland
and it was really cool.

There was a giant dragon
made from Legos

and they serve vanilla pudding
in the cafeteria.

My favorite thing about Legoland
was the hotel.

The bed was made
from giant Legos

and, uh, they serve pancakes
for breakfast.

In conclusion,
Legoland is a very good place

to go for your spring vacation.

I recommend it highly

for friends and family alike."

That's great, that's,
seriously, that's a,

that's a really nice
piece of writing.

Oh, I did... I got an A on it.

-Did you? Oh.
-Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, well. Time for me to achieve
eternal bliss. [chuckles]

[water gurgling]

Oh, shit!

I forgot my knife.
Do you have a knife?

-A knife to kill yourself with?
-Yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm not gonna,
I don't want your blood and guts

all over one of my knives.
That's gross.

That's what dishwashers are for.

Then I'm gonna think about what

you did with it
every time I use it.

Well, just put it in

amongst all the other knives

and then
you wouldn't even remember.

Then I-I'm gonna think about
that with all my knives.

Well, th-throw it away then.

So now I'm giving you a knife?

No. Is there anything else
I can provide you with?

Maybe like a spoon
to scoop your eyeballs out

or maybe a cheese grater
to shave off your nipples?

Jesus! I don't appreciate
this kind of talk.

Well, I don't appreciate
a complete stranger

doing a suicide
in my bathtub. Ah!

We haven't unpacked
the knives yet.

But you do have a screwdriver!

No! No!

[grunting]

Stop it! Claire! Help! Help me!

[grunting]

-Oh, God!
-Oh!

-Oh, God.
-Oh!

What the fudge? You stabbed me!

[groaning]

Oh, my God! [gasping]

-Oh, right in the spine.
-Oh, my God!

Why did you shove her
like that?

-She was attacking you!
-No, she was...

She was trying to kill herself!
She's a cult member.

[Danielle screaming]

Stop screaming!

Ah! So loud!

[Claire] Stop screaming!

[groaning]

[gasping]

-Oh, God.
-Ah!

He's never gonna believe us.

-Who?
-Th-that Detective Cartwright.

-He's never gonna believe us.
-Why?

-Why wouldn't he believe us?
-Uh...

Uh, look around.
I mean... [stammers]

The screwdriver in her back and
there's blood on the wall and--

-Oh, my God! You're right!
-Oh, God!

You're right!
What, what are we gonna do?

-Tell us what to do, Claire!
-I don't know.

-Tell us what to do!
-I don't know!

Just let me think, let me think,

let me think, please.

[dramatic music]

Change the story.

-[camera clicks]
-[indistinct radio chatter]

This is how we found her.

Yeah, she totally committed
self-murder in the bathtub.

She stabbed herself in the back?

I know. Right?

This is the sloppiest tub death
I've ever seen.

Yeah, 'cause how many times
do you get to practice

your own suicide?

Yes, that's actually
a good point.

-'Cause he gets, he gets...
-Just in one shot.

Yeah.

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]

Here comes Wallace on the
comedy bus five minutes late.

That's how humor works.

It's an involuntary reaction

when you find something funny.

You can't fake it after you hear

two people laughing, you child.

[instrumental music]

You've been unpacking.

You kids planning on staying?

Yeah, uh, you know,
it's a great location,

it's close to freeways.

Really?

Y-you know, that really shows
some backbone.

To be honest, a lot of the
people just leave right away.

That's good.
Y-you're gonna like it.

There is a, um...

There is a nice pizza place
about three blocks up

called Schneider's

and they have a two-for-one deal

where you get a can of Pepsi
for free on weekdays.

I don't know if you guys, uh,

like pizza. Everybody does.

-[Paul] O-oh.
-Oh, you...

Yeah, I... Well, we...
I have to, I have to work.

[stammers] I don't know
why you're telling me that.

I have work, too.
Everyone has work.

That's... Uh, why are you
telling me you have work?

-Is it non sequitur?
-Oh, no, I didn't mean--

'Cause I wasn't asking you guys
to hang out with me.

-I'm a police officer.
-Oh, of course.

I'm a detective. I, I work.

Oh, no, I didn't mean--

The job's frankly all I got.
[chuckles]

It's, uh... Which is probably
why I caught Storsh.

He did not get away from me.

He got away from a department
with its head up its ass.

I was not the one
asleep at the switch.

[Claire] You know,
this Storsh character,

i-it's like, a lot of the stuff
in this book makes sense.

You know, I mean,
some of it's crazy, obviously,

but some of it isn't.
Like, okay, for example...

One of the things is being
the best you you can be.

Well, I don't see
anything wrong with being

the best you I can be.

No, the best you youcan be.

That's what I said.

Okay. Um...

For example,
here's another really good one.

Uh... Oh, here. Listen to this.

"When one liberates oneself from
the shackles of overthought,

life can truly be free.

Open yourself to your inner will
and close the door

on the addiction
to outside approval."

I mean, this is me at work.
I totally relate to this.

Like, I'm always worried about
what other people are thinking.

I don't even know
what I'm thinking.

This stuff really makes sense.

You know, I'm not smart
like you are, Claire.

Oh, Paul.

But I don't have to be smart
because I've got you.

And-and now that we're casting
off the shackles of overthought,

I swear my most deepest swear

that I'm gonna get a job,

like, as soon as possible.

New city, new Paul, new us.

-Oh, Paul.
-[grunting]

-I believe in you.
-Oh.

-I believe in you.
-Yeah?

Oh, I love you, my Claire.

[upbeat music]

Claire, Claire, hi.
So we just got the call.

Nordheim is coming in to see
what we have for the campaign.

-Now?
-Yeah, now.

Ah. [grunts]

[groaning]

We weren't expecting
Mr. Nordheim.

-[grunting]
-Oh...

Well, we were thinking,

what if you were to repent.

The religious angle.

-You find Jesus.
-I'm Jewish.

Obviously you did a workup on me
and you already know that.

[snaps finger] Okay.

We put a story in the paper

that the young man
with whom you had relations

is actually a con artist

preying on...

Preying on?

Praying...

Tony, why don't you take
this one since it's your idea?

Sure. Uh... [chuckles]

Um, uh... I see sort of like a,
uh,

a basketball player,
but instead of legs,

um, it's got tang threads.
So, like a ro...

Ro... [clears throat]

Okay, I'm gonna speak now.

I am not impressed
with any of this.

And if this is all you have,
I'm going to be

very, very, very disappointed.

I have an idea.

[exhales]

[Paul] What exactly would
you say your strengths are?

Well, uh, first and foremost,
I am a people-pleaser.

-Pe-people like me.
-Well, I don't like you.

And I have a hard time
seeing how anyone would.

Please, just, sir,
just give me a chance.

Do you even know
what it is we do here?

Y-y-you guys design
roller coasters, right?

Well, you managed
to get that right.

How many years of mechanical
engineering do you have?

No, no, no, no. I'm sorry.
Listen.

Listen, I really need this job.

My girlfriend said that
I-I have to get my job thing

sorted or we can never
get married.

-Uh! Your girlfriend?
-Yeah.

You're in here wasting my time
because of your girlfriend?

-No, no, please--
-I'm shocked...

You even have a girlfriend.

I wouldn't be surprised
if she leaves you

by the end of the week because

there is no job for you here

or anywhere in this city.

-No...
-Now get out of my office!

[sobbing softly]

[grunts]

[breathing heavily]

[bird humming]

Hi, Paul. Why so glumy, chummy?

I can't get a job.

No one will hire me.

Uh, not after what happened
in Ohio.

What's the what in Ohio, huh?

[Claire] Okay.

Did you know
that in 33% of marriages

somebody commits infidelity?

And that's only the ones
who admitted, so...

So you were caught having
a little fun on the side.

I'm sure every woman in America
would understand

if you just put it into context.
Yeah.

What context is that?

Let's break the shackles
of approval

and show everyone
it's okay to be the real you.

I made this thing. It's a...

Really, a-all you need to do is

show these, these two pictures
side-by-side

and then simply ask...

"Come on. Wouldn't you?"

"Come on. Wouldn't you?"

Come on. Wouldn't you?

Come on.

Wouldn't you?
[laughing] I mean...

Come on. Come on!

[laughing]

Come on. Wouldn't you?

-Come on. Wouldn't you?
-Come on. Wouldn't you?

[Meegan] Come on. Wouldn't you?
-Come on. Wouldn't you?

-Come on. Wouldn't you?
-Come on. Wouldn't you?

♪ Come on wouldn't you? Hey

♪ Come on wouldn't you? Hey

♪ Come on wouldn't you?
Oh yeah ♪

♪ Come on wouldn't you?
Everybody ♪

♪ Come on wouldn't you? Oh

♪ Come on wouldn't you?
Hey... ♪

Pearl, where have you been
hiding this girl?

I love her!

♪ Oh come on wouldn't you?
Hey ♪

This one time last year...

I stayed up really late to watch
The Storage Warsmarathon.

It's a really awesome show
because I like stuff

about storage units.

Anyway, I was gonna go to bed,
but then I remembered

that Claire had asked me
to do the laundry,

so I stayed up
for the rest of the night

and did the laundry.

Um, but then, then,

the-the dryer didn't finish
in time,

and I had to go to my job

at the water filtration plant.

And so I just wore
my uniform damp.

But then on my walk to work, um,
I got really, really cold.

And I couldn't stop shivering,
so I stopped at the gas station

and got a Mountain Dew.

And when I got to work, I tried
to heat the Mountain,

Mountain Dew up on a hot plate.

But then the plastic melted

and-and, and then the melted
plastic and the Mountain Dew

got all over my hands

and I knocked over
a can of turpentine

and that mixed
with some oldie peanuts

and then that dripped
into the filtration fluids.

[sniffles] And then the,
the melty Mountain-Dewie plastic

and the, and the mold
and the turpentine

all mixed together and made
some w-weird chemical reaction

and-and then that... that got
into the town's water supply.

[sobbing] And the entire town
lost their hair.

All their hair.

Their arms and their legs
and their eyebrows.

And then... and then
about half the town,

let's say, about 80,000 people,

got rage madness and they
started foaming at the mouth

and attacking each other
for no reason.

And then the whole town
became a war zone.

And we had to stay inside,
but everybody got so hungry.

But then the rage people
stole all the food

and they, they hid it
in a used tire yard.

And they built this massive fort
out of used tires.

It was like a beehive,
and then they stayed in,

in the tire hive
and they wouldn't come out.

And so then all the [stammering]

then the normal people
burned down the tire hive.

But then the fire,
the fire burned for months

because it was just
millions of used tires.

[sobbing] And then
we all had to go to the woods

and hunt for animals.

But it was the summer
and, and it was so hot

and we all took off
all of our, our clothes

and then we ran out of bullets.

And so there's just a bunch
of hairless naked people

running around the woods,
hunting for deer

and raccoons and squirrels
with our bare hands.

And then, t-then everyone

got really hungry again
'cause we ran out of animals.

And then... then you couldn't
tell the normal people

from the rage people

and-and you couldn't tell
who was who.

And then a militia came
from another state

and they called us all
s-skinners

and th-they hunted us for sport.

And then the National Guard
came to fight the militia

and then the government
sent in the army

[sobbing] to rescue us all

and then when it was all done...

they told me I couldn't go back
to Ohio anymore.

[sobbing]

Oh, Paul.

Sounds like you've been
on quite the journey.

But your true journey of bliss

found
on the instantaneous eternity

only begins
when you change your story.

It's time to loose the Os
in Ohio

and say hito the new Paul,

a Paul who's his own boss,
a Paul who answers to Paul.

To-to me?

[Bird] It's like
the Book Of Storiessays.

The only thing you've to worry
about is what you think.

If there's no job for you,
make your own job.

Be like me. Be free.
Free like a bird, bird.

Free? Like a bird, bird?

[birds chirping]

[whispers] Like a bird, bird.

Yeah.

-[doorknob rattles]
-[Claire] Hey-hey!

-Hey!
-I had the best day.

Me, too.
I had, I have huge news.

Oh, okay. You first.

So I-I slammed the door

on the jackals of over-thoughts.

Just like you said,
I've been so worried

about what everyone else thinks
I should be

that I forgot what I want to be.

Oh, well, that-that's amazing.
What do you wanna be, Paul?

A bird housemaker.

I make birdhouses now.

Come, come, come.

Oh, wow!
You, you made all of these?

Yeah, I'm in the zone.

Look, so this one's
a little pool house, right?

And it's got a little lounge
chair, a little changing room

where the birds can change
out of their red clothes.

A simple
mother-daughter apartment

for when mom gets really old
and she could die,

she could die at any moment.

There's a little
mechanical chair

that goes up and down the
stairs.

This one is modelled
after Chuck E. Cheese,

but I call it Chick E. Cheese.

And there's a little bosspit.

And there's a fake band and then
this one is a honeymoon suite,

it's got a, um, a heart-shaped
bed for getting it on.

Oh, look.
Claire, I almost forgot.

This one's for you.

It's an exact replica scale

of the Full Houseliving room,
season one.

Paul, this is, this is amazing!

You don't have to say that.

No, Paul. No.
I-I'm really proud of you.

-Mm.
-Thank you.

-Tell me about your day!
-Oh--

I can't believe.
I've been so focused on, I...

What about your day?
Take the mic.

-Okay.
-[laughs]

-[clicking] Is it on? Okay.
-[laughs] You...

Um, so, yeah, we had this,
the surprise visit

from a client at work and
everyone was, like, stressed out

and losing their minds, but I
kept my cool and I saved the day

with a stunning pitch
when everyone else had nothing.

-And Pearl even shook my hand.
-That hand?

-Yeah!
-All right! [laughs]

I knew you could do it!

You know, and I-I just applied
the teachings

of Storsh
and it actually worked.

-Oh, my God. I love Storsh.
-Yeah, I know. Me, too.

I'm so jacked up right now,
I can sell anything.

-Well, sell me a birdhouse.
-How about a pun?

Like, uh, Paul's birdhouse,
when nature Pauls.

-That's brilliant!
-[laughs]

Okay, here's another...
Uh, uh...

This birdhouse
will never Paul out of a tree.

You gotta slow down. I gotta
write this down. Seriously. I--

Oh, no, no. Don't even sweat it.
I got a million of 'em.

Okay, how about this one?
Uh, uh, Paul's Boyd...

Paul Boyd's birdie
birdhouse building.

-Ah! You know what your name is?
-What?

-Little Ms. Ideas. Yes.
-No.

-You're amazing.
-No, you're amazing.

-We're amazing.
-Yeah.

You know what this means,
Claire?

We're finally
getting our stuff sorted.

Yeah.

[moaning]

[rattling]

It was the '90s,

a different time,
a simpler time.

When a man committed a crime,
you kicked in the door

and worried about paperwork
later.

But like all good times,

that time was a time

whose time has come to an end.

[Cartwright] Then on April 2nd,
1997,

I came face-to-face
with pure evil.

Reginald Euclid Storsh,

incited over
two dozen innocent victims

to self-murder.

An adversary so brilliant,
so cunning

that to merely be
in his presence

was to risk total mental

and spiritual annihilation.

"Detective Cartwright,
did you have a warrant

for these proceedings?"

"A warrant? Hell, no,
Your Honor, he's guilty."

"Well, I don't care
how ridiculous or stupid

or unfair it is,
I declare a mistrial.

Case dismissed."

"Your Honor, no!"

So I made my life's goal up

to not give him
a moment's rest.

I dogged him like a dog.

But six months into it,
he committed suicide

in a bath tub.

Then his followers started
committing suicide

in the same tub.

Cultist after cultist

dove into a porcelain nightmare

of blood and death.

The chief
still has the case open.

And guess who has to clean up

every time one of these morons

commits a see-pa-coo
in the tub?

That's right. Me. Cartwright.

The last good cop.

[window opens]

Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

-Hey.
-Mm!

Oh... Oh, come on, man!

-What?
-I booked the tub!

It's been on the schedule
for months.

Okay. Just do it.

Three-way challenge.
Do you yield?

I-I, I don't, I don't know.
Do we?

The invocation.

"In order to get
to instantaneous eternity,

you must pass through
the gateway

chosen by the Holy Storsh."

What? Oh, my God!
You're initiates, aren't you?

Uh, initiates. Yeah.

Actually, do you, do you
think you could teach us

some initiate stuff?

Well, maybe I'll break the rules
this one time.

[laughing]

-[Claire] Awesome.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, um, you know,
you two guys really lucked out.

It's not every day
that two initiates

get taught their invocation

by a level-six instructor.

-Level six?
-Yeah.

Is that, uh,
is that a good level?

Uh, there's only 11 levels

and I'm level six,
which is basically level seven,

so really I'm an eight.

So, yeah,
I'd say it's pretty damn good.

And I specialize
in invocation training.

You could say
I'm kind of a big deal

down at East Side Bethel,
you know?

-Huh. Mm!
-[Cultist] Okay.

-Uh, so lie down.
-All right.

Here.

Okay. Like the...

Uh, okay, um, scooch down
towards me a little.

Okay, now go left, uh,
just a little bit.

Okay. Actually, scooch back up
just a couple of...

Yeah, okay, that's good.
And come over to your right.

Okay, you're moving faster,
so, so just...

-Yeah. And then...
-Me? Oh. Okay.

You come down just a touch.

Perfect.

Actually, you know what?
Go, go back a little bit.

That's it. That's it! Nice.

This guy is awesome. I mean,
he's basically a level eight.

-[Claire] I know.
-[Paul chuckles]

Okay.

Now look up to the light.

That's life.

It's bright, it's inviting,
it's warm.

That's light. That's life.

And this is death.

What do you see?

[Paul] I-I can still see
an outline.

[Claire] But it's fading.

[Cultist] Exactly.

See, normally when someone dies,

there's a little bit
of afterglow that lingers.

But then unfortunately,
it just disperses

into the ether.

But thanks to the great Storsh,

his chosen will bask
in the light of eternity.

Just because the magical Storsh

spilled his magical blood
in that bath tub,

the bath tub is magical

and will magically hold on
to the afterglow

for all eternity.

All of that in a bath tub?

[grunts]

[sighs]

Would you like to bear witness
to my exodus?

Cyanide. It's quick. Painless.

Well... [gulps]

I'm sorry, I didn't think
I would get emotional.

You know, you two
are gonna be great followers.

[Claire] Hm.

I'm gonna tell Storsh about you

when I get to the other side.

-That's neat.
-[Claire chuckles]

Yeah.

Bye.

It's just a sec.

Any second.

[coughing]

-Oh! Oh! Ow! Whoa!
-Oh...

Whoa, wait, hey,
this actually hurts quite a bit.

-Oh, Go... Oh, no!
-Ah! Oh, God!

Oh! Oh, actually,
this hurts quite a lot actually!

-Do you want some water?
-Oh, for the love of Christ!

[screaming]
They're inside of my body,

burning like a thousand suns!

-No! Oh, no!
-I'll go get a first-aid kit!

-No! You idiot!
-[screaming]

I wanna die! Kill me!

-Kill me!
-Just go!

Oh, my God!

[screaming]

Use this! Use this!

-Me?
-Yes!

Oh! Oh!

[groaning]

-I am sorry!
-[screaming]

[grunting]

What kind of cheap knife
is that?

-We're on a budget, okay?
-No!

-Stab harder! Do it!
-[grunting]

[screaming]

-Come on!
-No!

Oh! Claire, stop it!

-Stop! Claire, no!
-[screaming]

We need better killing!

[groaning]

Oh, God! You can't kill me
with that stapler!

-Oh, God! Aah!
-Oh!

[cultist] You have no idea
how much this hurts!

Plug it in!

[cultist screams]

[choking]

Why won't you die?

I gotta get 'em out!

[groaning]

[grunting]

Oh!

[camera shutter clicks]

Is there something
you wanna tell me, Claire?

Uh, no, I-I don't think so.

You're sure about that?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

[scoffs]

I get why you would,
but it's not a good idea

to lie to a detective, it's...

I detect.

I get to the bottom of things.
It's my job.

And your job is,

you work in the business.

-The business?
-Yeah.

The ad business? I found out.

You work at Global Creative.

Okay, come on. I-I...
Let me wet my beak.

Do you understand how you could
help a person in my situation?

Just...

[Paul] Oh, hey! Is this
your screenplay? Cool!

[Cartwright] I didn't exactly
pick a title yet, but...

Well, what exactly
do you want me to do with this?

Well, do what you do.
Talk to people.

You must know actors, right?
D-do you know Wesley Snipes?

He's who I always picture
when I'm writing about myself.

Uh, he needs this.

Yeah. Totally. I...
You know, I'll make some calls.

-You're not just saying that?
-No.

I had a feeling about you two.
First two aside.

You know? I know I can
count on my new friends.

And sorry about this all.

Well, I'll mark it down
as the usual...

And give me feedback.
Give me notes.

I-I'm not precious,
I collaborate.

♪ Girl you know ♪

Uh...

[door shuts]

[mellow music]

[Claire] You know,
I've been thinking.

When those guys first showed up
and were gonna kill themselves

in our bath tub, I was like,
"Okay, t-this is crazy."

And then when, you know, the
more we learned about Storsh,

I can see
why these people follow him.

You know, I mean, sure,
it's not for everybody,

but think about what good
he's done for us

and we're not even in his cult.

Well, w-we can't be in a cult.
We're from Ohio.

Yeah, but, you know,
when you think about it,

all religions have good and bad.

So, like, maybe we can just
take the good from Storsh

and, like, apply it
to our own lives.

Like, you know, the other day
when you burned your finger

on the glue gun, and you're
like, "Oh, Jesus H. Christ,"

but, like,
you're not even a Christian.

No, you listen,
I'm totally good with having

a little Storsh in our lives,
I mean, it means

a little more blood
and violence, no biggie.

But that's my point,
you know, these poor souls

work so hard to meet Storsh
in the instantaneous eternity,

but they really have trouble
with the-the, like,

the final commitment, you know?

It's like Cartwright said,

"How many chances do you have

to practice your own suicide?"

-They totally suck at suicide.
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-So this is what I'm thinking.

You know, it's our apartment,
so what's, what's wrong

with helping our visitors
with a quick, clean transition

into the instantaneous eternity?

Helping our visitors
is the least we can do.

It is the least we can do.
This is our home.

This is our temple.
It's the reason we left Ohio.

To serve the good word
of Storsh.

Reginald E. Storsh, Claire.
I love you.

-Oh.
-I love you.

♪ Ba-ba du-bab du-bab

♪ Ba-ba du-bab du-bab

♪ Bab-ba-rub ba-rub-bab

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah du-bab

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah du-bab

♪ Ba-du bab-bab-bab ba-da bah

♪ Ba-du dab-bab
bab-bah du-bah ♪

♪ Ba-du bab-bab bab ba-dap

♪ Bab ba-du ba-du-dap du-dap

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah du-bab

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah du-bab

♪ Ba-du bab-bab-bab ba-da bah

♪ Ba-du bab-bab-bab ba-da bah

♪ Ba-du dab-bab-bab ba-dap

♪ Bab ba-da-du ba-du-da du-da

[instrumental music]

♪ Ooh ooh ooh

♪ Ooh ooh ooh

♪ Ba-da du-ba ba-da

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah du-bab

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah-du

♪ Ba-du-lu bab-bah du-bab

♪ Ba-du bab-bab-bab ba-da bah

♪ Ba-du bab-bab-bab ba-da bah

♪ Ba-du bab-bab-bab ba-dap

♪ Bab ba-da-da bab

[music continues]

♪ Ba-ba du-bab du-dab

♪ Ba-ba du-bab du-dab

♪ Ba-ba du-bab du-dab

♪ Bab ba-dap ba-dap-bab da ♪

It's weird how they all have
some kind of red dye

on their lips now.

Yeah. It's totally weird, right?

You know, maybe it's a new part
of their ritual.

Hm. Worthless jerks.

Your mama must be
real proud, pal.

Stone, Wallace,
get rid of this chump.

-So, uh, Claire?
-Yeah?

Any luck with Wesley?

-I'm sorry?
-My script? Wesley Snipes?

Oh! Yeah. Uh, actually, yeah.

I, uh, called,
I called his agent

and Fred, uh,
Fred Burm-Burm,

Fred Burminton,
and he said, uh,

that he was gonna give it
to Wesley and that he was gonna

take a look at it.

You're lying.

-No.
-You gotta be lying!

[laughing]

He said those words?
Fred Burminton said that?

Uh, yeah, absolutely. He...

-You, I told you about...
-She told...

I... He, he definitely did.

[stammering] Well, here we go!

[laughing]

-Yeah.
-This is it!

Oh, uh, uh, tell him, uh,

I'm gonna take the thing
about the super soldiers out.

Uh, my sister's boyfriend
is a bloom operator

on General Hospital
and he said, um,

that that technically
makes it sci-fi,

which is an issue
in Germany, uh,

and I wanted this to play
internationally.

I can't believe
I just said that.

Okay, so then,
no super soldiers.

[clicks tongue] Got it.

Claire, you are amazing.

[Paul] Oh, oh...
[Claire] Oh...

[sobbing]

Thank you.

-Oh, that's... Tha-that happens.
-Hey...

[computer beeps]

[Meegan] Claire.

Ms. Nordheim.
What are you doing here?

I just came
from a fundraising dinner.

We made a record raise.

You managed to turn my whole
campaign around, Claire.

I wanted to thank you.

Oh. Wow,
that is so sweet of you.

I'm gonna have to start
drinking wine. [laughs]

Well, well, well.
What a beauty.

I am impressed, Claire.
Is it yours?

Oh. Yeah, the birdhouse?
My, uh, my boyfriend makes 'em.

Hm. Well.

I'll tell you what, Claire.

I am in the market

of furry birdhouse.

I would love to meet the artist.

Oh, I'm-I'm sure
Paul would be thrilled.

I-I would, I'd be happy
to make the connection for you.

I... We'll have to do that
sometime.

How about now?

[instrumental music]

Oh, uh...

We're still moving in, so...

Can I, uh, offer you anything?

-Are these the birdhouses?
-Oh, yeah, th-those are them.

Where's the boyfriend?
He around?

He must be out, which is...

You know, and he pretty much
never goes out,

so it's kinda weird.

-I'm gonna paint one of those.
-Oh.

I've always wanted to dive
head first into the arts.

Hm.

I like you, Claire.
Frankly, I see myself in you.

And I'm sure my upbringing
wasn't that different from you

other than, you know...

I look like this.

And I realized pretty quickly,
that as a woman,

you have tremendous power.

Have you ever felt
the kind of power

that I'm talking about, Claire?

Oh, you know, o-once I played

the Powerball
and I won five dollars.

Yeah, that was pretty cool.

So I figured if these men are
gonna have their way with me,

then I'm gonna have my way
with them.

Armund was 82
when I married him.

Today he is 96.

Turns out, the old guy
is built like a machine.

And he just keeps going

and going and going and going

and going and going and going
and going and going!

Point is, Claire,
this young boyfriend of yours

who builds birdhouses,
I am sure he's just peachy.

But you have got to take the
power that is rightfully yours.

You've got to milk this world
for everything

that it has to give.

-[door opens]
-You know, t-that must be Paul.

Oh.

-[coughing]
-Oh, my gosh. Mr. Nordheim!

Did-did you climb up
all of those stairs?

Are you okay? Here.

D-does he need, like,
a defibrillator o-or something?

Uh, should I get him some water?

He's already had his water
today.

Claire, let him go.
Claire, he's fine.

What I am trying to tell you is

that I have come here
to liberate you

from the prison

that you call love.

And, yes,
it will be painful at first,

but eventually
you're gonna thank me.

And I can't say that I'm not
going to enjoy liberating you

by liberating Paul

the way I liberated
that boy in the gym

over and over
and over and over--

Oh, my God!

Oh, oh... Oh, my God! Ho!

I'll go get the first-aid kit.

[chuckling]

Oh, I'm free. I'm free.

I am free. I am finally free!

Oh, my God. I'm finally free.

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, God, thank you.

I so deserved this. Thank you!

Thank you, thank you,
thank you...

-Paul.
-Oh, my gosh!

You're Meegan Nordheim.

Paul, I want you to liberate me.

Liberate me now.

-Uh, is Claire home?
-Forget Claire!

There is no Claire. There is
only you and there is me.

-Okay. I'll get the juice.
-No, no, no...

Paul, come to me.
Paul, I want my bliss now.

Please don't make me wait for
it. Don't make me wait, Paul.

Please, please, please, I want
my bliss. Please, Paul, Paul...

Paul, please, now.

-Oh... Okay, o-okay, okay.
-Okay.

[groaning]

Oh, no. Paul, what did you do?

-I saved her.
-What? Why?

She was a visitor. You said
that we had to help them.

[Claire] No...
Children of Storsh.

Well, how was I supposed
to know that?

It's called logic, Paul!

-Oh, shoot!
-My God!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You let her paint
the country house?

I'd hardly call that
a country house.

[scoffs] No, no, no, no, no.

Country house, Boyd house,

complete with a little
front-porch swing

and a bird-watching tower
for watching birds.

Looks more like a fire station.

What kind of fire station
has a porch swing?

Forget about the birdhouse,
Paul.

We gotta deal with this now,
okay?

No, no, no. She's-she's...
It's gonna be fine.

I mean, she's still alive.
Everything's, everything's okay.

She's gonna tell everyone
what you did

and you're gonna go to jail!

How can you be so stupid?

Paul!

I'm sorry, Ms. Nordheim.

Not the fire station.

It's a country house.

Cartwright's on his way.

What are you gonna tell him?

A story.

A love story

about a woman who married a man

for all of the right reasons,

and not for his money
and-and not for his power,

but because she saw
who he really was.

A man who needed her

more than she needed him.

It started out
as a pure kind of love,

but it quickly became
something else.

An obligation,
not for her, but for him.

For her it was never
a romantic kind of love.

It was a friend kind of love.

She knew that if she left him,

it would destroy him.

So she stayed by his side
and hoped that he would realize

that he bet on the wrong horse.

But he never did.

So she was trapped...

until she found Storsh.

What she never found
in her marriage,

she found in the open arms
of Storsh and his followers,

seekers
of the instantaneous eternity,

that one brief moment of bliss

that can go on for forever.

Armund was so distraught,
so devastated

by the loss of his one true love

that he sought to follow her.

He'd rather die in her arms

than live without her
for one more day.

Wow.

Gosh, darn it, Claire.

I have to say something to you
right now.

You-you know what?
We had a problem, right?

And what do we do?

-We sorted it.
-Uh-huh.

This problem is sorted.
It's sorted.

And it's not just this problem,
it's everything, our...

The-the apartment,
your job, my job.

We... we are, are sorted.

What are you doing?

[Paul] Listen...

Claire Annabelle McKenty,
will you, will you marry me?

[stammers] Y-you're doing this
right now?

No, I know, I know I said
I wouldn't ask again

until we got our-our stuff
figured out.

But guess what? We did! We did!

I wanna be with you forever,
Claire.

I want...
I need you to marry me.

-Oh, well, okay...
-Okay.

We need to do the thing...
right now.

♪ Do you like me? I suppose

♪ Draw me like a French girl
Jack and Rose ♪

♪ Sun goes up
and you milk that cow ♪

♪ Slap that udder
on the big bad cow ♪

♪ Watch that cow
eat all that grass ♪

♪ Sometimes a donkey's
called an ass ♪

♪ Me a question and I'll tell
you what I'm thinking ♪

♪ Every night
Uncle Gary goes drinking ♪

♪ Oh hey you hear the news?

♪ Mom and dad
went on a cruise ♪

♪ Mom had come
but the group was smelling ♪

♪ Mom came back
with a baby in her belly ♪

♪ Spaghetti and meatballs
parmesan ♪♪

Spaghetti and meatballs!

[indistinct chatter]

It's okay. We're so close.
Doesn't matter.

We're married now.

I love you so much.

[metal clanking]

[Paul humming]

♪ Gum drops

♪ On Christmas Day ♪

-Hey, smiley!
-Hey, smiley!

I didn't hear you come in.

D-did we get any visitors?

Oh, no.
No, it's been pretty quiet.

Y-you know, I was thinking,
maybe we could go for a walk

in the neighborhood
and then when we get back,

we could play some shrabes.

I was kinda hoping for like
a Storshy kind of evening.

So...

-[telephone ringing]
-[keyboard keys clacking]

[indistinct chatter]

Go for Cartwright.

Detective, hey. It's Claire.

Claire, got any news for me?

News? Oh! Yeah! You know, I...

[Claire on phone] Uh, I, uh,
heard from Snipes

and he loved the script, so...

You're kidding. Are you kidding?

No, I'm, I wouldn't, I wouldn't
kid with you, Boyce-boy.

Uh, uh, please hold one...
[mumbles]

[panting]

[screaming]

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah![laughing]

[screaming]

Ah, that's such a good news.

[Cartwright] Claire,
this is huge.

I should, I gotta put in notice
with my captain, right?

Because I can't work active
cases if I'm gonna be on set.

Is he gonna want
a producer credit? 'Cause I...

Between you and me,
he doesn't deserve anything

more than
associate executive producer.

Hey, uh, question for you.

[Cartwright]
Anything, Claire, shoot.

We haven't had a cult member
in a while

and I just wondered, like,
is there some sort of, like,

Storsh holiday
that we're not aware of?

Like a,
like a suicide Yom Kippur?

Oh, well, it hasn't been
that long, it's three days ago.

Oh, yeah, okay, cool,
no, it just seems like

there should've been one by now.

Actually, uh, a few years ago,
there was a dry spell

that lasted six months.

I mean, I thought it was over,

but then
it all started up again.

Uh, eventually, Claire,
they always come back.

That's what you gotta understand
about these people.

If it helps, think of yourself
as switching places

with me narratively.
[clears throat]

You know, you're becoming
kind of the lonely beat cop

in the wasteland of death,

I'm becoming
the Hollywood screenwriter.

Hey, Claire, do you think

that a guy like me

would be able to pen a romcom,

a romantic comedy?

I had this story,
you know what they say,

"Write what you know."

My ex-wife, she went to Ireland

o-once and she just never
came back,

and e-eventually we divorced
through the mail

and it was, it was kinda
like a Lake House

meets, um, Lady And The Tramp.

Because we were really
better friends

through letters that when
w-when we were sharing a bed.

And then I eventually,
you know, started talking

to her new husband.

Um, he's a firefighter.

Uh, I mean, and Irish
firefighter, you gotta...

It's pretty cool. Like, like...

As-as much as I don't wanna
admit it, like,

that's pretty much
a manlier occupation.

I mean, an the Irish already
fight everything.

This guy fights fire.

Uh, [chuckles], I-I-I just
thought, like,

kind of a,
like a triangle thing

with like
Matthew McConaughey, uh,

Kate Hudson and maybe
like Wesley Snipes.

If he gets one on this one...

[water gurgling]

[dramatic music]

Okay, so listen,
Nordheim wasn't in the cult.

-But we saved her anyway.
-Well, she needed to be saved.

-She wanted to kill puppies.
-Exactly.

So before we were saving people

into the instantaneous eternity
who wanted to be saved,

but maybe we save people
who need to be saved

that don't even know
they need to be saved.

That's great, like murderers

and rapists or celebrity chefs.

Exactly. Okay. Let's do this.

[instrumental music]

[grunts]

[music continues]

It's a, um, new anti-depressant.

We have to sell people
on getting happy

because apparantly
hopelessness and despair

are currently trending.

Mr. Carl, I've got this.

The only way to achieve
complete happiness is...

by inviting the father and
savior Storsh in to your heart.

Now, I-I know, I know you're all
looking at me

like you're a little skeptical,
but believe me, I was too,

but, you know, you just,
you just gotta go for it.

So, I-I'd love
for you guys to join.

You know, just a bunch
of like-minded people

who wanna be as happy
as they can be. [laughs]

That's all very interesting.

And you've given us a lot
to think about.

[dramatic music]

Stupid legs, stupid legs.

Stupid rigor-mortis legs!

Oh! Fuck!

Claire! Claire!
Thanks God you're home.

Something terrible has happened.
They shut down my website.

And my credit card was declined.

I was just so busy
making birdhouses

that I forgot to pay
and then the bank was so far

that I didn't wanna walk
and I spent all my money

on skittles and wood
and thanks God...

Thanks God for you, Claire,
thanks God for you.

Can you swap me 200 bucks?

They fired me, Paul!
They fired me!

-We don't have jobs.
-[groaning]

We are unsorted, Paul!
We're unsorted!

[Paul groaning]

What are we gonna do, Claire?
What are we gonna do?

I love you. I love you. Uh...

Yeah?

[instrumental music]

[Claire screaming]

[Claire grunting]

[birds chirping]

[eerie music]

[bells chiming]

[Paul] Claire Annabelle McKenty,
you, will you marry me?

[sobbing] No.

I can't marry you.

[operatic singing]

Hello, Claire, my child.

-It's you.
-It's me.

I-I can't believe it.
You-you came.

They doubted you, but you came.

Shh, quiet now.
Let's not spoil it.

I just can't believe it.

You're actually,
you're here i-in my tub.

[Storsh] Remember the thing
about not spoiling it

that I just said
six seconds ago?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sorry.
I just...

Well, y-your teachings
have changed my life.

-Mm-hmm.
-It's just...

Things aren't working now
and I don't know,

I don't know
where I've gone wrong.

Mm, tell you,
when this whole thing started,

I never thought it would spread
further than my backyard.

Just a bunch of crazy loons
dancing in the light

of the instantaneous eternity
over nachos and Fanta.

But soon the whole city
became my backyard.

The beacon of Storsh was lit
and the people came.

I know I did.

I know you know you did.

I was watching you
from the afterlife.

You know, the spiritual reward
for saving souls was incredible.

What a buzz!
It's just like a tingle.

But soon that wasn't enough.

I needed to reach
more of my children,

I needed the message
to find the masses

and save the souls
of the entire world

like, on a God level.

You know, I, I made a plan
and that plan was I'd get caught

and I'd become
a media sensation.

Live out my days in some
cushy, white-collared prison

like Bundy Romanson.

TV specials, conjugal visits.

So I let that cop catch me.

You know this guy,
you know who I'm talking about?

-Cartwright?
-Yeah.

Naturally, he screwed it all up
and I got off.

But it turns out,
getting away with it

was like some major power move.

Next thing,
I'm this huge celebrity,

people following me around,

"Oh, Storsh, have my baby.

Storsh, can I get a photo?

Storsh, can I get a photo
of you and me

trying to make babies?"

People offering me book deals,

multiple book deals,
like a three-book deal.

In the grocery store,
people offering me cupcakes,

people... I mean, you name it.

I had an assistant...

for a little while.

But then I realized,
"Oh, my God.

I could immortalize myself

and forever spread
the word of Storsh

with the ultimate saving.
Who? Me, myself."

So I climbed in this bathtub
here and I did my thing

and in one fell swoop, I became
the god I was destined to be.

Oh, that is so beautiful.

Yeah, I guess it is.

But, you, Claire, you, my love.

None of my followers
have served me

as greatly or lovingly as you.

And yet, there is still one
final lesson for you to learn.

Oh, teach me. I-I want to learn.

You've been so focused
on saving everyone else,

[mumbles] you've forgotten the
most important person of all.

I-I'm sorry, what?

You've been so focused
on saving everyone else,

[mumbles] you've forgotten the
most important person of all.

I-I don't--

You've forgotten
the most important

person of all.

Oh... Oh.

Yeah. I understand.

I understand.

The door to my bus
is always open, Claire.

Always open.

[dramatic music]

[music intensifies]

[humming]

Hey, Cartwright.

I heard you're, uh, going off
to make your movie.

Yeah.
Finally pulling it together.

-Oh.
-[Cartwright chuckling]

I'll see you at the premiere.

[laughing]

Oh-ho...

Ah, man, you're such a wiener.

[laughing]

Oh, man. [laughing]

Hey.

Hey.

Still wanna go to Winnipeg?

[chuckles] Not really.

Yeah, me neither.

And while you were in there
talking to the bathtub,

I did some thinking.

Yeah?

The reason
you never really married me.

I get it.

You do?

You love me.

It's just not
a romantic kind of love.

It's a friend kind of love.

Oh, Paul...

I'm sorry.

For what?

That I'm not smart.

What? No. No.

You're the smartest guy I know.

[indistinct radio chatter]

[dramatic music]

This is the sloppiest tub death
I've ever seen.

It's weird how they all have
some kind of red dye

on their lips now.

Yeah, it's totally weird, right?

Her elderly,
physically-decrypted husband

from whom she stands
to inherit millions

somehow gets his walker up
the flight of stairs.

That part's actually true.

[instrumental music]

What is that? This one.

That, that's the coffee shop
where we had our first kiss.

What's this?

Uh, it's the pizza shop where
I thought we had our first kiss.

Oh. [chuckles]

Apparently, I was mistaken.

Yeah.

What's this one?
It's just a line.

[Paul] No, no, no. See.
This is, this is your butt.

Oh. [chuckling]

Which I do like very much.

I know you do.

-[siren wailing]
-[operatic music]

♪ Parmesan meatball soup

♪ Here we go another fruit

♪ Apple pecan pumpkin pie

♪ Buy me a ticket
so we can fly ♪♪

We did it.

Do you yield?

I do.

Do you?

I do.

[instrumental music]

[gunshots]

[operatic music]

Oh, Bloyce. I'm sorry.
I-I thought you'd be done.

I was wrapping up.

[sighs]
I wish I can...

I can't believe
that I have to put this unit

on the market again.

I can't seem to keep
any tenants here

for more than a couple of weeks.

You know,
what if I moved in and...

Really? You wanna live here?

It's cheap and, uh,

very conveniently located.

And... I already know
the neighbors are nice.

Thank you.

I'm gonna get that lease.

[instrumental music]

[water gurgling]

[instrumental music]

♪ Wash the sad out
no more pain ♪

♪ All of the dark
goes down the drain ♪

♪ Again and again and again

♪ Wash the sad out
no more pain ♪

♪ All of the dark
goes down the drain ♪

♪ Again and again and again

♪ Wash the sad out
no more pain ♪

♪ All of the dark
goes down the drain ♪

♪ Again and again and again

♪ Wash the sad out
no more pain ♪

♪ All of the dark
goes down the drain ♪

♪ Again and again and again

♪ Wash the sad out
no more pain ♪

♪ All of the dark
goes down the drain ♪

♪ Again and again and again

["Shining Royal Hearts" playing]

♪ Shining royal hearts

♪ Will forever stand

♪ Sometimes in the dark

♪ They take my hand

♪ Shining royal hearts

♪ Forever love

♪ Watching all the madness
from above ♪

♪ Shining royal hearts

♪ Forever stand

♪ Sometimes in the dark

♪ They take my hand

♪ Shining royal hearts

♪ Forever love

♪ Watching all the madness
from above ♪

♪ Shining royal hearts

♪ Forever stand

♪ Sometimes in the dark

♪ They take my hand

♪ Shining royal hearts

♪ Forever love

♪ Watching all the madness
from above ♪♪

[music continues]

[music continues]

[water gurgling]