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NARRATOR:
Previously on "American Dad"...
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Babe, where's my hat?
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[SNIFFS]
4
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Wait, this isn't my hat.
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00:00:11,788 --> 00:00:13,251
I'm lost without my hat!
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[SCREAMS]
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[SOBS]
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[SOBBING]
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Don't shut me out, Jeff!
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00:00:25,097 --> 00:00:28,433
??
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Our new life begins today.
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Welcome to Lids. I'm Parker.
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What can I help you find today?
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NARRATOR: That's right.
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Tonight, your questions
are finally answered.
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Tonight, you find out what
happened with Jeff's hat!
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This episode takes place
right after that episode
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00:00:55,311 --> 00:00:59,836
where Jeff lost his hat
and before he gets it back.
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He doesn't buy that one.
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00:01:01,501 --> 00:01:04,095
??
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00:01:04,096 --> 00:01:06,926
? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
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00:01:06,953 --> 00:01:10,351
? I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?
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? The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ?
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? And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ?
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? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?
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- ? Good... ?
- ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
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Aah!
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? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
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Check it out!
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I found my old high school yearbook!
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Wait, you're from a different planet,
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but you went to "high school"
and had a "yearbook?"
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Captain of the JV lacrosse
team two years in a row.
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Wow, this is taking me back.
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Wow.
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00:01:50,880 --> 00:01:55,406
Wow, wow, wow, wow. Oh, wow!
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Oh, my God!
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Wow.
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Wow!
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Oh, my God. Wow what?
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00:02:02,926 --> 00:02:04,522
Oh, nothing. Just reminiscing.
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He wanted me to ask!
I know you wanted me to ask!
43
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[GASPS] My senior portrait!
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FRANCINE: "Live fast and
leave a dope-ass footprint."
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Is that your senior quote?
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Great long-distance reading, Mom!
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Yeah, I put that in there
to always remind me
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why I didn't just take a job
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00:02:22,027 --> 00:02:24,954
working at my uncle
Rizbo's space gas station.
50
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They really call it a space gas station?
51
00:02:27,683 --> 00:02:30,211
What would you call a
place that sells space gas?
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Uncle R wanted me bad,
but I thought I was destined
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for greater things.
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I don't know,
I thought I was gonna make a mark,
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00:02:36,401 --> 00:02:39,995
but when I think about it,
what have I actually done?
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What are you talking about?
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00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:43,921
You've been a senator,
a wedding planner.
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You were essentially a cop.
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That's essentially true.
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Your footprint is crazy dope, bro!
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But I didn't do those things,
my personas did.
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If the losers from my high school
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try to look me up they won't find Roger,
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they'll find Reaganomics Lamborghini,
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00:02:58,896 --> 00:03:02,565
or Twill Ongenbone, or Ricky Spanish.
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Doesn't someone usually...
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NARRATOR: Sorry, sorry,
I was ripping a clove.
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[CLEARS THROAT]
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Ricky Spanish.
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I know exactly how you feel, Roger.
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Everything I've done for the CIA?
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Completely anonymous.
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I skinned a warlord alive,
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but you won't read about
that in the papers.
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Do you want people to read about that?
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00:03:25,849 --> 00:03:28,045
Oh, my God! None of you understand me!
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I do, Stan! This started out
as my thing, remember?
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Oh, yeah! Come on, Roger.
Let's eat somewhere else.
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This lady always gets
my order wrong anyway.
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[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
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It's Hayley.
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She says Jeff needs us.
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Is this the hat thing?
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Bet your ass it is.
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Let's roll.
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Roger, where are we?
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Bruncha Nonsense!
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Langley's hottest party brunch spot!
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And we're here because they
have bottomless mimosas!
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00:03:54,198 --> 00:03:56,727
And if we're gonna figure out
how to leave a footprint behind,
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00:03:56,728 --> 00:03:58,723
we're gonna need drinks. Oh, shit!
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00:03:58,724 --> 00:04:00,987
The drag show is starting.
Don't make eye contact.
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00:04:00,988 --> 00:04:03,715
Stop me if I try to top
them and embarrass myself
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00:04:03,716 --> 00:04:05,845
by doing the splits,
which I'm not even good at
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because of my little meatball legs.
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00:04:07,643 --> 00:04:10,677
Just make today about me for once!
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Hayley! We came as soon as we could.
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00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:19,821
- What's the status?
- Zero progress.
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00:04:19,822 --> 00:04:23,147
Jeff's been staring at
these hats for six hours.
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- Oh, the poor thing.
- You can do this, buddy.
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Ask for a fedora!
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00:04:26,610 --> 00:04:27,939
What's happening here?
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He's trying to pick a new hat.
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Oh, wow. Huge.
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[CELLPHONE RINGS]
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Yeah, sorry, I'm not coming.
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00:04:34,329 --> 00:04:35,659
Let me know if we have a boy or a girl.
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Love you, bye!
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[GULPS] Okay,
if we want to leave a big footprint,
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00:04:42,249 --> 00:04:43,446
we need a big idea.
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00:04:43,447 --> 00:04:46,107
Oh! What if we get the city council
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to turn that abandoned lot by the mall
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into a park for kids?
114
00:04:48,904 --> 00:04:51,631
Yes! And maybe at night it
can be for drug addicts?
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00:04:51,632 --> 00:04:53,428
Sure! And we can put our names on it!
116
00:04:53,429 --> 00:04:54,826
Stan and Roger park!
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Amazing!
Except... Except it sounds hard.
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Is there anything easier?
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00:04:59,419 --> 00:05:02,087
Hmm. Easier would be easier.
120
00:05:04,344 --> 00:05:06,938
You know what all these
mimosas make me want to do?
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00:05:06,939 --> 00:05:09,534
Go to a taping of "Morning Mimosa."
122
00:05:09,535 --> 00:05:10,998
Ooh! Do you think we're drunk enough?
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00:05:10,999 --> 00:05:12,861
They ask that you be pretty drunk.
124
00:05:12,862 --> 00:05:14,525
? There's a whole lot of rhythm
goin' 'round ?
125
00:05:14,526 --> 00:05:15,989
I told you we were drunk enough!
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00:05:15,990 --> 00:05:17,720
We're not as drunk as Trish.
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00:05:17,721 --> 00:05:20,182
? We want the funk ?
128
00:05:20,183 --> 00:05:21,380
? Give up the funk ?
129
00:05:21,381 --> 00:05:22,714
? Oh, we need the funk ?
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00:05:22,715 --> 00:05:25,307
Stan, I thought of a footprint idea.
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00:05:25,308 --> 00:05:29,300
What's the one thing I can do
that everyone will remember?
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00:05:29,301 --> 00:05:31,562
Win the Stanley cup?
133
00:05:31,563 --> 00:05:33,625
Reveal myself as an alien!
134
00:05:33,626 --> 00:05:36,088
Perfect! But what about the CIA?
135
00:05:36,089 --> 00:05:39,215
They'll arrest you and
use you for esper-i-mints.
136
00:05:39,216 --> 00:05:42,477
Ah, yeah. I forget
they're after me sometimes.
137
00:05:42,478 --> 00:05:44,206
Me too. I go through long stretches
138
00:05:44,207 --> 00:05:45,803
where I don't even think about it.
139
00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:48,732
You know what's crazy?
I see Bullock all the time.
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00:05:48,733 --> 00:05:50,994
I have a persona that
plays poker with him,
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00:05:50,995 --> 00:05:52,991
one that's on a bowling team with him.
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00:05:52,992 --> 00:05:55,454
We've been on nine
different hinge dates.
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00:05:55,455 --> 00:05:56,984
He always asks for a ride home
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00:05:56,985 --> 00:05:58,449
so he can make a move in the car.
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00:05:58,450 --> 00:06:00,578
What a skeeze.
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00:06:00,579 --> 00:06:03,247
Good tactic, though.
Usually works on me.
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[SNORING]
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00:06:05,969 --> 00:06:07,369
[SNIFFING]
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00:06:09,364 --> 00:06:10,694
Stan, I figured it out.
150
00:06:10,695 --> 00:06:14,154
When I reveal myself, you "catch" me.
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00:06:14,155 --> 00:06:16,218
Then you tell everyone you killed me,
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00:06:16,219 --> 00:06:18,015
and I go back in the attic!
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00:06:18,016 --> 00:06:19,213
Of course!
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00:06:19,214 --> 00:06:20,677
You're earth's first alien,
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00:06:20,678 --> 00:06:22,407
and I'd be the man who killed him!
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Footprint City, USA!
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00:06:24,737 --> 00:06:26,737
Aye aye, captain!
158
00:06:27,465 --> 00:06:30,867
Captain? Did you draw on my face again?
159
00:06:31,936 --> 00:06:33,454
It's no use. It's permanent.
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00:06:33,455 --> 00:06:35,784
You got to wait for the
skin to die and flake off.
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00:06:35,785 --> 00:06:40,043
So, we've got a big idea,
and now we need a big audience.
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00:06:40,044 --> 00:06:41,507
We need a TV show.
163
00:06:41,508 --> 00:06:43,902
Yes! But how do we get one?
164
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,034
That's the easy part.
165
00:06:45,035 --> 00:06:46,965
You ever heard of Brandon Tartikoff?
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00:06:46,966 --> 00:06:50,958
NBC president from 1981 to 1991?
Rings a bell.
167
00:06:50,959 --> 00:06:54,551
Legend has it that the idea for
"Miami Vice" came from
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00:06:54,552 --> 00:06:58,810
Brandon writing "MTV cops"
on a cocktail napkin.
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00:06:58,811 --> 00:07:00,141
- Is that true?
- Probably not.
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00:07:00,142 --> 00:07:01,871
Even so, all we have to do
171
00:07:01,872 --> 00:07:05,265
is put the right combination
of words on a napkin
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00:07:05,266 --> 00:07:07,794
and we'll be in television heaven.
173
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:08,992
"Tax cops."
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00:07:08,993 --> 00:07:10,390
WOMAN: Excuse me.
175
00:07:10,391 --> 00:07:12,186
I am a successful television executive,
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00:07:12,187 --> 00:07:16,246
and I believe that napkin
is going to be a hit show!
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00:07:16,247 --> 00:07:17,244
Can I buy it?
178
00:07:17,245 --> 00:07:18,442
- Deal!
- Excellent.
179
00:07:18,443 --> 00:07:20,172
Nice to meet you, I'm Tony Vengeance.
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00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:21,437
Wow, great name.
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00:07:21,438 --> 00:07:23,367
Stan Smith. And this is...
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00:07:23,368 --> 00:07:26,162
You're gonna like this,
he's usually got great names.
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00:07:26,163 --> 00:07:29,212
- Stan Matthews.
- Really?
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00:07:29,238 --> 00:07:31,419
Stan one and Stan two, love it!
185
00:07:31,420 --> 00:07:33,550
I'll see you Stans in Hollywood!
186
00:07:33,551 --> 00:07:35,347
Where you'll make so much money
187
00:07:35,348 --> 00:07:37,942
you could buy a real eye patch!
188
00:07:37,943 --> 00:07:39,739
And you can buy a nose!
189
00:07:39,740 --> 00:07:41,203
A real nose?
190
00:07:41,204 --> 00:07:43,666
I can almost smell it!
191
00:07:43,667 --> 00:07:45,862
Footprint City, here we come!
192
00:07:45,863 --> 00:07:47,326
Stan Matthews?
193
00:07:47,327 --> 00:07:49,322
Yeah, Dave Matthews' brother.
194
00:07:49,323 --> 00:07:50,586
Oh, wow.
195
00:07:50,587 --> 00:07:52,383
And that is why I don't lead with it.
196
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:55,686
Stan Matthews likes to make
his own way in the world.
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00:07:57,271 --> 00:07:59,177
NARRATOR: There are 1,500 IRS agents
198
00:07:59,185 --> 00:08:00,539
in the state of Virginia.
199
00:08:00,621 --> 00:08:03,430
These are their stories.
200
00:08:03,431 --> 00:08:04,428
_
201
00:08:04,429 --> 00:08:06,229
_
202
00:08:06,392 --> 00:08:08,855
Everyone pays taxes, dirt bag!
203
00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:11,849
Easy! He's rich! The rules don't apply!
204
00:08:11,850 --> 00:08:13,447
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
205
00:08:13,448 --> 00:08:15,176
[TIRES SQUEAL]
206
00:08:15,177 --> 00:08:17,307
[GUNSHOTS]
207
00:08:17,308 --> 00:08:18,571
He's shooting at us!
208
00:08:18,572 --> 00:08:21,166
Good! The windshield is a write-off!
209
00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:23,496
[TIRES SQUEAL]
210
00:08:23,497 --> 00:08:25,958
I know this guy is lying on his taxes,
211
00:08:25,959 --> 00:08:27,222
I just don't know how!
212
00:08:27,223 --> 00:08:28,222
The numbers!
213
00:08:28,223 --> 00:08:30,418
The answer is always the numbers!
214
00:08:30,419 --> 00:08:32,285
Got him.
215
00:08:34,943 --> 00:08:37,405
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
216
00:08:37,406 --> 00:08:38,868
What does this guy want?
217
00:08:38,869 --> 00:08:41,265
Revenge. I busted him for claiming
218
00:08:41,266 --> 00:08:42,928
a boa constrictor as a dependent.
219
00:08:42,929 --> 00:08:43,926
That snake!
220
00:08:43,927 --> 00:08:46,390
[TIRES SQUEAL]
221
00:08:46,391 --> 00:08:49,251
Ma'am, I'm afraid I have bad news.
222
00:08:49,252 --> 00:08:52,220
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
223
00:08:54,309 --> 00:08:55,840
I don't know, partner.
224
00:08:55,841 --> 00:08:58,501
Sometimes it feels like all
we do is look for write-offs.
225
00:08:58,502 --> 00:09:02,704
When what we should be doing
is looking for right-ons.
226
00:09:03,293 --> 00:09:05,556
TONY: You're killing it, Stans!
227
00:09:05,557 --> 00:09:09,150
12 episodes aired,
and an Emmy for best new show!
228
00:09:09,151 --> 00:09:11,745
The network is so pleased
that they've decided to air
229
00:09:11,746 --> 00:09:13,874
the finale after the Super Bowl!
230
00:09:13,875 --> 00:09:15,006
After the Super Bowl?!
231
00:09:15,007 --> 00:09:19,931
Not only that,
but we're gonna do the episode live!
232
00:09:19,932 --> 00:09:22,193
[BOTH BARKING]
233
00:09:22,194 --> 00:09:25,521
Well, I'll leave you two
to your creative process.
234
00:09:25,522 --> 00:09:28,582
Heavens to Betsy!
Our plan is working, Stan!
235
00:09:28,583 --> 00:09:30,445
Oh, I got you something to commemorate
236
00:09:30,446 --> 00:09:33,839
the footprint we're gonna
make when we drop the a-bomb!
237
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:35,304
Do you mean alien bomb?
238
00:09:35,305 --> 00:09:36,834
Exactly!
239
00:09:36,835 --> 00:09:39,230
And the finale is the
perfect place to drop it.
240
00:09:39,231 --> 00:09:41,094
Yeah, totally, totally.
241
00:09:41,095 --> 00:09:42,758
Doesn't want to open his gift.
242
00:09:42,759 --> 00:09:46,351
That's fine. Friendship is
best celebrated alone, I guess.
243
00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:48,413
Unless he thinks it's for Christmas!
244
00:09:48,414 --> 00:09:49,746
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
245
00:09:49,747 --> 00:09:51,675
Listen up, gang.
The network just told me
246
00:09:51,676 --> 00:09:54,670
our finale is going to air
live after the Super Bowl!
247
00:09:54,671 --> 00:09:56,268
- I need ideas.
- Ideas?
248
00:09:56,269 --> 00:09:57,997
Aren't we locked in with the a-bomb?
249
00:09:57,998 --> 00:09:59,328
Maybe, but let's keep it open
250
00:09:59,329 --> 00:10:01,259
until the staff has
a chance to weigh in.
251
00:10:01,260 --> 00:10:03,521
Maybe we do an episode
shot entirely from
252
00:10:03,522 --> 00:10:04,919
the perspective of a tax return?
253
00:10:04,920 --> 00:10:07,181
And like half the episode
is just hearing voices
254
00:10:07,182 --> 00:10:08,380
from inside an envelope?
255
00:10:08,381 --> 00:10:10,243
- That's good, Finchy!
- Stan, I don't...
256
00:10:10,244 --> 00:10:12,040
I don't think that works
with the "thing."
257
00:10:12,041 --> 00:10:14,902
- What thing?
- The big reveal.
258
00:10:14,903 --> 00:10:16,831
The big alien reveal?
259
00:10:16,832 --> 00:10:18,096
The big alien reveal?!
260
00:10:18,097 --> 00:10:19,893
Are we tackling the tax ramifications
261
00:10:19,894 --> 00:10:21,091
of illegal immigration?
262
00:10:21,092 --> 00:10:22,821
No. Can I talk to you outside?
263
00:10:22,822 --> 00:10:25,150
But write that down, Andrew.
Something for next season.
264
00:10:25,151 --> 00:10:27,019
I'm not afraid to tell the truth.
265
00:10:27,660 --> 00:10:29,680
Look, Roger, I know the original idea
266
00:10:29,726 --> 00:10:32,654
was the whole "alien thing,"
but I really feel like
267
00:10:32,655 --> 00:10:34,917
that's not the story
we're telling anymore.
268
00:10:34,918 --> 00:10:36,447
That's the only story!
269
00:10:36,448 --> 00:10:38,444
Totally, and we've got that
in our back pocket, for sure.
270
00:10:38,445 --> 00:10:41,838
But I've been thinking,
what if Audit Dogs is our footprint?
271
00:10:41,839 --> 00:10:45,432
Why do Sci-Fi alien stuff when
we can say something real?
272
00:10:45,433 --> 00:10:48,559
It's not Sci-Fi, Stan. It's my life.
273
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:50,889
If it has aliens, it's Sci-Fi,
even if it's real.
274
00:10:50,890 --> 00:10:53,484
Why would we pivot when we're
just scratching the surface
275
00:10:53,485 --> 00:10:56,279
of the racist origins of
the Virginia tax code?
276
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:57,676
Come on, Roger, we won an Emmy!
277
00:10:57,677 --> 00:10:59,806
I didn't! Stan Matthews did,
278
00:10:59,807 --> 00:11:02,468
and that's the worst persona
name I've ever come up with!
279
00:11:02,469 --> 00:11:04,465
You added Esquire. That's pretty funny.
280
00:11:04,466 --> 00:11:06,595
Yeah, well Roger still needs to make
281
00:11:06,596 --> 00:11:07,925
his footprint somehow!
282
00:11:07,926 --> 00:11:10,427
And I'm gonna do something about it!
283
00:11:10,809 --> 00:11:12,414
_
284
00:11:13,051 --> 00:11:14,447
Babe, you can do this.
285
00:11:14,448 --> 00:11:16,444
Parker's trying to help you.
286
00:11:16,445 --> 00:11:18,641
You got to sack up and trust him.
287
00:11:18,642 --> 00:11:20,637
He put us all in great hats.
288
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,433
He can do that for you.
289
00:11:22,434 --> 00:11:24,230
What is happening here?
290
00:11:24,231 --> 00:11:25,694
He's trying to pick a new hat.
291
00:11:25,695 --> 00:11:27,026
Did he try that blue one?
292
00:11:27,027 --> 00:11:30,086
He did. No go.
293
00:11:30,087 --> 00:11:31,950
Is that a talking fish?
294
00:11:31,951 --> 00:11:33,348
[APPLAUSE]
295
00:11:33,349 --> 00:11:34,878
Welcome back.
296
00:11:34,879 --> 00:11:37,740
We're very excited to
bring on our next guests,
297
00:11:37,741 --> 00:11:40,269
the creators and stars of "Audit Dogs",
298
00:11:40,270 --> 00:11:42,998
Stan Smith and Stan Matthews!
299
00:11:42,999 --> 00:11:45,366
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
300
00:11:47,630 --> 00:11:49,386
Welcome, Stans!
301
00:11:49,387 --> 00:11:52,381
- Now, your show is very good.
- Thank you.
302
00:11:52,382 --> 00:11:54,312
But you're not here to talk about that.
303
00:11:54,313 --> 00:11:58,836
Stan two, we're told you have
something shocking to share.
304
00:11:58,837 --> 00:12:00,168
No, don't do this.
305
00:12:00,169 --> 00:12:03,894
Trish and Suze, I am not Stan Matthews.
306
00:12:03,895 --> 00:12:05,293
I'm not even a man.
307
00:12:05,294 --> 00:12:06,215
- I'm...
- A dog?
308
00:12:06,216 --> 00:12:08,686
- No. I'm...
- Two dogs?
309
00:12:08,687 --> 00:12:09,817
Hold that thought!
310
00:12:09,818 --> 00:12:11,482
I'm being told by our producers
311
00:12:11,483 --> 00:12:14,077
that we're being pre-empted by the news!
312
00:12:14,078 --> 00:12:15,607
Ew.
313
00:12:15,608 --> 00:12:18,070
Memphis Stormfront here
with breaking news.
314
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:22,195
Mankind has made contact
with extraterrestrial life.
315
00:12:22,196 --> 00:12:25,657
An alien spacecraft has
landed in Langley Falls.
316
00:12:25,658 --> 00:12:26,655
What the...
317
00:12:26,656 --> 00:12:29,450
- I knew you'd try something like this.
- This is you?!
318
00:12:29,451 --> 00:12:32,378
We bring you there live...
319
00:12:32,379 --> 00:12:34,574
As he descends from his ship,
320
00:12:34,575 --> 00:12:38,634
I wonder why he's chosen our
insignificant rock, earth.
321
00:12:38,635 --> 00:12:41,296
What wisdom hath he come to share?
322
00:12:41,297 --> 00:12:43,565
[GUNFIRE]
323
00:12:43,708 --> 00:12:45,452
[CROWD GASPING]
324
00:12:45,453 --> 00:12:48,550
Oh, well. Probably for the best.
He looked weird.
325
00:12:48,551 --> 00:12:51,412
This will surely be the first
of many aliens to visit earth,
326
00:12:51,413 --> 00:12:54,407
but who will care or
remember the next one?
327
00:12:54,408 --> 00:12:57,068
Now, back to "Morning Mimosa",
where I understand Trish
328
00:12:57,069 --> 00:13:00,063
is interviewing a dog, or possibly two.
329
00:13:00,064 --> 00:13:01,261
Another alien?!
330
00:13:01,262 --> 00:13:03,125
Are you shitting me right now?!
331
00:13:03,126 --> 00:13:05,188
Ugh, I knew you were gonna harp on this.
332
00:13:05,189 --> 00:13:07,118
Because being the first alien here
333
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:09,447
was my last shot at leaving a footprint!
334
00:13:09,448 --> 00:13:12,841
And you took that away from me,
for your precious show.
335
00:13:12,842 --> 00:13:14,172
Goodbye forever, Stan.
336
00:13:14,173 --> 00:13:16,700
I'm packing my things and leaving earth!
337
00:13:16,701 --> 00:13:17,832
This is a mistake!
338
00:13:17,833 --> 00:13:20,162
We're making "The Wire", but good!
339
00:13:20,163 --> 00:13:24,354
??
340
00:13:24,355 --> 00:13:27,150
Jiminy Weasel! Is that a weal wocket?
341
00:13:27,151 --> 00:13:28,918
That's a model, kid.
342
00:13:28,989 --> 00:13:31,181
Yeah, sure buddy.
343
00:13:32,008 --> 00:13:34,004
[RUMBLING]
344
00:13:34,005 --> 00:13:35,069
[CROWD GASPING]
345
00:13:35,070 --> 00:13:37,638
[SCREAMING]
346
00:13:42,924 --> 00:13:46,050
[BLEEP] knew it was a real rocket.
347
00:13:46,051 --> 00:13:47,314
Goodbye, earth.
348
00:13:47,315 --> 00:13:50,841
You may not remember me,
but I'll never forget you.
349
00:13:50,842 --> 00:13:52,373
[COUGHS]
350
00:13:52,374 --> 00:13:55,501
Sorry, kid, didn't realize
there was anyone else on here.
351
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:57,163
Don't freak out, but I'm an alien.
352
00:13:57,164 --> 00:14:00,092
Well, then don't you have
your own space ship?
353
00:14:00,093 --> 00:14:03,695
Oh, crap. It was a really good one, too.
354
00:14:03,953 --> 00:14:06,387
[RUMBLING]
355
00:14:10,308 --> 00:14:14,035
I'm real happy to finally have
you working for me, Roger.
356
00:14:14,036 --> 00:14:16,563
I think this is gonna be great!
357
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,094
Me too, uncle Rizbo!
358
00:14:18,095 --> 00:14:19,625
You know, I was obsessed with making
359
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:21,688
a massive footprint on the universe.
360
00:14:21,689 --> 00:14:24,217
But now I realize I'll
be perfectly happy
361
00:14:24,218 --> 00:14:26,546
making a smaller,
yet equally important footprint,
362
00:14:26,547 --> 00:14:30,339
at this dingy gas station
with basically zero customers.
363
00:14:30,340 --> 00:14:31,936
I do have one question, though.
364
00:14:31,937 --> 00:14:34,066
How do you keep from killing yourself?
365
00:14:34,067 --> 00:14:34,985
[CHUCKLES]
366
00:14:34,986 --> 00:14:39,057
My advice is to just take
it one space day at a time.
367
00:14:39,058 --> 00:14:41,520
You know what? Maybe I can do that.
368
00:14:41,521 --> 00:14:44,913
Which is 17 million earth years.
369
00:14:44,914 --> 00:14:46,978
Well, I'll leave you to it.
370
00:14:46,979 --> 00:14:50,638
But two questions.
Is that a human, and can I eat him?
371
00:14:50,639 --> 00:14:54,031
Ooh. I'm a hot commodity up here.
372
00:14:54,032 --> 00:14:56,960
Okay, Stan two is gone,
and we need to recast.
373
00:14:56,961 --> 00:14:58,624
I'm thinking either a super hot lady
374
00:14:58,625 --> 00:15:01,219
or Bobby Moynihan,
but I'm open to ideas.
375
00:15:01,220 --> 00:15:03,548
What if your new partner
376
00:15:03,549 --> 00:15:06,010
is a talking helicopter?
377
00:15:06,011 --> 00:15:07,873
How would I hear it
talk over the rotors?
378
00:15:07,874 --> 00:15:09,471
- Subtitles?
- Don't take this
379
00:15:09,472 --> 00:15:11,534
the wrong way, but you have bad ideas.
380
00:15:11,535 --> 00:15:13,797
Ugh, where did the good ideas come from?
381
00:15:13,798 --> 00:15:15,498
Where did this present come from?
382
00:15:17,592 --> 00:15:21,928
"Dear Stan, thank you for
making a footprint with me."
383
00:15:23,181 --> 00:15:25,443
"When I gazed down at the beach,
384
00:15:25,444 --> 00:15:27,440
"there was only one pair of footprints,
385
00:15:27,441 --> 00:15:29,875
when there should've been two."
386
00:15:32,565 --> 00:15:34,295
There should've been two!
387
00:15:34,296 --> 00:15:35,958
I have to rewrite the finale.
388
00:15:35,959 --> 00:15:37,489
- Can we go home?
- No.
389
00:15:37,490 --> 00:15:39,818
I need to get a copy
of the finale to space.
390
00:15:39,819 --> 00:15:42,281
Which means I need you all
to build me a rocket ship.
391
00:15:42,282 --> 00:15:44,210
How are we supposed to do that?
392
00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:46,939
You're television writers,
the smartest people in the world.
393
00:15:46,940 --> 00:15:48,874
Figure it out.
394
00:15:50,999 --> 00:15:53,594
There's only one hat left.
This has got to be it!
395
00:15:53,595 --> 00:15:55,258
Oh, this one's fabulous.
396
00:15:55,259 --> 00:15:57,660
If he doesn't want it, I'm buying it.
397
00:15:58,456 --> 00:16:01,114
No! None of these hats will do!
398
00:16:01,115 --> 00:16:03,377
But there are no more hats.
399
00:16:03,378 --> 00:16:04,442
Yes, there is.
400
00:16:04,443 --> 00:16:07,170
But only one hat can make me whole.
401
00:16:07,171 --> 00:16:09,833
I know what I must do.
402
00:16:09,834 --> 00:16:12,428
I must go on a quest.
403
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:16,431
A quest to find my actual hat!
404
00:16:16,822 --> 00:16:17,885
[ALL GASP]
405
00:16:17,886 --> 00:16:19,816
A quest? I'm in!
406
00:16:19,817 --> 00:16:23,209
But Mr. Klaus, it could be dangerous.
407
00:16:23,210 --> 00:16:24,474
Really? Why?
408
00:16:24,475 --> 00:16:26,337
Who cares about danger?
409
00:16:26,338 --> 00:16:28,732
My babe needs his hat.
410
00:16:28,733 --> 00:16:31,727
Stan one! I read the new finale.
411
00:16:31,728 --> 00:16:32,725
Pretty great, right?
412
00:16:32,726 --> 00:16:34,323
Oh, yeah, very great.
413
00:16:34,324 --> 00:16:36,852
The greatest! The best greatest!
414
00:16:36,853 --> 00:16:40,646
One sort of macro note. It's terrible...
415
00:16:40,647 --> 00:16:41,910
Ly great?
416
00:16:41,911 --> 00:16:43,441
Usually the show has a ton of action,
417
00:16:43,442 --> 00:16:45,503
but this is just two
characters talking about
418
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:47,234
"footprints" in a diner.
419
00:16:47,235 --> 00:16:49,764
Also, everyone keeps talking
about someone named Roger.
420
00:16:49,765 --> 00:16:51,626
Who is that? Who the [BLEEP] is Roger?
421
00:16:51,627 --> 00:16:53,224
My best friend.
422
00:16:53,225 --> 00:16:55,420
Oh. Look, if you do this episode,
423
00:16:55,421 --> 00:16:57,283
your audience is gonna be very confused.
424
00:16:57,284 --> 00:16:58,548
It could ruin the show.
425
00:16:58,549 --> 00:17:00,345
There are things I'm trying
to say to our audience,
426
00:17:00,346 --> 00:17:01,543
and to Roger.
427
00:17:01,544 --> 00:17:03,207
- Your best friend Roger?
- Yes.
428
00:17:03,208 --> 00:17:04,870
If losing the show is the price
429
00:17:04,871 --> 00:17:06,800
of getting my friend back, I'll pay it.
430
00:17:06,801 --> 00:17:08,930
Okay, you are the writer.
431
00:17:08,931 --> 00:17:11,458
I am just a humble television executive,
432
00:17:11,459 --> 00:17:15,052
here to support your
vision no matter what.
433
00:17:15,053 --> 00:17:16,583
I do have six pages of notes.
434
00:17:16,584 --> 00:17:18,446
It's mostly just stream of
consciousness descriptions
435
00:17:18,447 --> 00:17:21,241
of what I think unicorns
are up to in real life.
436
00:17:21,242 --> 00:17:22,842
Take it or leave it.
437
00:17:23,771 --> 00:17:25,567
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
438
00:17:25,568 --> 00:17:27,564
How are you watching Audit Dogs?
439
00:17:27,565 --> 00:17:29,361
Oh, we get earth television up here.
440
00:17:29,362 --> 00:17:30,624
Just like in "Contact."
441
00:17:30,625 --> 00:17:32,022
- You ever see that movie?
- No.
442
00:17:32,023 --> 00:17:35,692
So you're just another
fraud at space camp.
443
00:17:36,683 --> 00:17:39,210
I thought being audit
dogs was our legacy?
444
00:17:39,211 --> 00:17:41,274
No, we're not audit dogs.
445
00:17:41,275 --> 00:17:42,937
We're Stan and Roger!
446
00:17:42,938 --> 00:17:46,574
And when you left,
I remembered all the things we've done.
447
00:17:47,596 --> 00:17:50,258
[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]
448
00:17:50,259 --> 00:17:59,309
??
449
00:17:59,310 --> 00:18:01,305
I realized there was a hole in my heart
450
00:18:01,306 --> 00:18:03,967
where your foot had been
because the footprints
451
00:18:03,968 --> 00:18:06,563
that matter are the ones you
leave on your loved ones.
452
00:18:06,564 --> 00:18:09,291
And you've left a Shaquille O'Neal-sized
453
00:18:09,292 --> 00:18:11,088
footprint on my heart.
454
00:18:11,089 --> 00:18:12,552
Wow.
455
00:18:12,553 --> 00:18:14,217
This show sucks now.
456
00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:17,211
Stan always talked about
having something to say.
457
00:18:17,212 --> 00:18:19,178
Was that it?
458
00:18:21,138 --> 00:18:22,738
Yo, can I get your bathroom key?
459
00:18:23,735 --> 00:18:26,727
Is this an Emmy? From earth?
460
00:18:26,728 --> 00:18:27,992
Yeah, how do you know that?
461
00:18:27,993 --> 00:18:29,589
I'm a major intergalactic
movie producer.
462
00:18:29,590 --> 00:18:31,586
I've won all sorts of awards!
463
00:18:31,587 --> 00:18:33,116
But an Emmy from earth?
464
00:18:33,117 --> 00:18:35,778
That's the top, baby! This is yours?
465
00:18:35,779 --> 00:18:38,107
Yeah, I used to make
this show "Audit Dogs."
466
00:18:38,108 --> 00:18:39,239
No shit!
467
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:40,969
Oh, yeah, I did lots of stuff on earth.
468
00:18:40,970 --> 00:18:43,698
I'd dress up as different
people and do whatever I wanted.
469
00:18:43,699 --> 00:18:46,093
I was a senator, a yoga instructor,
470
00:18:46,094 --> 00:18:47,359
I had a bunch of sex.
471
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,819
Oh, man, sex feels
soooo good down on earth!
472
00:18:50,820 --> 00:18:52,549
- Not like here.
- Wow!
473
00:18:52,550 --> 00:18:54,679
Your story is incredible.
474
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:56,678
I'd love to make it into a movie.
475
00:18:56,679 --> 00:18:58,206
- Really?
- Oh, yeah!
476
00:18:58,207 --> 00:18:59,737
And I think you should star!
477
00:18:59,738 --> 00:19:02,465
This is gonna be huge,
and everyone in the universe
478
00:19:02,466 --> 00:19:04,462
is gonna know your name!
479
00:19:04,463 --> 00:19:05,992
Heavens to Betsy!
480
00:19:05,993 --> 00:19:07,523
You know,
another thing for the movie is that
481
00:19:07,524 --> 00:19:09,986
- I had this human family...
- And you didn't eat them?
482
00:19:09,987 --> 00:19:11,848
Oh, no, I loved them too much.
483
00:19:11,849 --> 00:19:14,843
I'd come home to them and share
everything I did that day.
484
00:19:14,844 --> 00:19:16,508
And the dad was this great guy
485
00:19:16,509 --> 00:19:20,434
who would think this movie
thing was so cool and... and...
486
00:19:20,435 --> 00:19:22,497
STAN: ? Roger ?
487
00:19:22,498 --> 00:19:26,291
? Roger ?
488
00:19:26,292 --> 00:19:30,549
? Our footprint is real ?
489
00:19:30,550 --> 00:19:32,480
They gave you an Emmy for this?
490
00:19:32,481 --> 00:19:35,141
Hey, he's stealing my ship!
491
00:19:35,142 --> 00:19:37,404
Oh, sweet! A human boy!
492
00:19:37,405 --> 00:19:39,200
I'm starving!
493
00:19:39,201 --> 00:19:40,732
Aah!
494
00:19:40,733 --> 00:19:43,367
And I'll save the bottom half for later.
495
00:19:43,368 --> 00:19:46,263
Who am I kidding?
I'm gonna eat it all now.
496
00:19:46,846 --> 00:19:48,452
- Roger!
- Stan!
497
00:19:48,453 --> 00:19:51,846
I got what I wanted,
a chance to leave a real footprint!
498
00:19:51,847 --> 00:19:55,772
But it felt empty,
and I realized the real footprint
499
00:19:55,773 --> 00:19:58,167
is the one you leave on those you love.
500
00:19:58,168 --> 00:20:00,431
So you got the message I
put in the show for you?
501
00:20:00,432 --> 00:20:02,160
Oh, is that what you were trying to say?
502
00:20:02,161 --> 00:20:05,888
Anyway, I can't wait to get
back to work on "Audit Dogs."
503
00:20:05,889 --> 00:20:07,285
We got cancelled.
504
00:20:07,286 --> 00:20:09,927
Also our entire writing staff
died in a freak rocket accident.
505
00:20:09,928 --> 00:20:12,143
Oh, that's too bad. I liked Finchy.
506
00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:14,472
He smelled good. Where is everybody?
507
00:20:14,473 --> 00:20:15,737
Francine left a voice mail.
508
00:20:15,738 --> 00:20:17,467
Said something about Jeff and a quest.
509
00:20:17,468 --> 00:20:19,398
Oh, this must be the hat thing.
510
00:20:19,399 --> 00:20:22,393
Really makes our problems seem small.
511
00:20:22,394 --> 00:20:24,921
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
512
00:20:24,922 --> 00:20:28,914
??
513
00:20:28,915 --> 00:20:29,980
[CAT MEOWS]
514
00:20:29,981 --> 00:20:33,640
Our plan is working purrrr-fectly.
515
00:20:33,641 --> 00:20:36,101
Without his hat,
Jeff will lose his mind,
516
00:20:36,102 --> 00:20:38,964
and Hayley will have no
choice but to leave him.
517
00:20:38,965 --> 00:20:42,957
Then she'll be single,
and we can ask her out.
518
00:20:42,958 --> 00:20:46,351
[EVIL LAUGH]
519
00:20:46,352 --> 00:20:47,615
'Zooka sharks!
520
00:20:47,616 --> 00:20:51,143
Is the bathroom... Hey, is that my hat?
521
00:20:51,144 --> 00:20:53,205
- Uh...
- Thanks, dude!
522
00:20:53,206 --> 00:20:56,474
Hey guys! The quest is done, man!
523
00:20:56,533 --> 00:20:58,901
Bye! Have a beautiful time!
524
00:20:58,951 --> 00:21:03,501
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