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♪ I see trees of green ♪
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♪ Red roses too ♪
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♪ I see them bloom ♪
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Hey, dingdongs. We figured
out what's happened here.
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You two are both
named Eleanor Shellstrop.
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The day you died, you were
both in Phoenix, Arizona
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shopping at the same grocery store.
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Pffft.
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The "real Eleanor"
was attending a conference
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on the death penalty,
and you stopped by to pick up
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food for a local homeless shelter.
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And "fake Eleanor" was there
buying margarita mix
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and a magazine called "Celebrity
Baby Plastic Surgery Disasters."
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Incredibly, you both died in the
same 10,000ths of a second
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in the same traffic accident
because Real Eleanor
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was trying to save Fake Eleanor's life
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by pushing you out
of the way of the truck.
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I guess you really botched that one, eh?
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I did, and I am so, so sorry.
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It's all good.
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00:00:58,115 --> 00:01:00,817
So how did you not realize
you had the wrong Eleanor?
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Oh, we don't know
what people look like...
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only names and profiles.
On Earth, they're just
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dots on a map.
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Whatever, we got our wires crossed,
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we picked up the wrong dot,
blah, blah, blah, blah
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blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
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Point is, there are two Eleanors.
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The nice, boring one is yours.
The trash bag is ours...
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- So, trash bag, let's go.
- Wh...
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Let's hit it.
And also... I'm still waiting on
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- that smile, gorgeous.
- Trevor.
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- Where's that smile?
- Trevor, how about
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we negotiate?
Maybe give you something else.
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What in the world could you have
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that we would want?
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All right, how about a unicorn?
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Right? I bet you don't
have one of those.
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No, that is true, yeah.
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- [laughs]
- Might be fun
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to skin it alive, eat its raw flesh,
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maybe break off the horn,
grind it up, snort it.
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Okay, let's keep talking. Yeah.
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Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
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_
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Fake Eleanor, a word?
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It's just me, man.
You can just say, "Eleanor."
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Sorry, it just makes things easier.
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Look, I'm not even sure how it
would work for you to stay here
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00:02:06,133 --> 00:02:08,535
now that we know there's a real
Eleanor, but in the meantime,
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stay on your toes. Don't let Trevor
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get inside your head.
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Can I ask you something?
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Why are you helping me?
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Well, Chidi made a very good
argument on your behalf,
56
00:02:21,015 --> 00:02:24,083
but it's more than that. I truly believe
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that the Good Place is where you belong.
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You're part of our team.
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Hi! Oh, you must be
the new student Eleanor Shellstrop.
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I'm Gloria, the senior class secretary.
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Cool.
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Well, welcome to Adobe High,
home of the Scorpi-oties!
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Half the school wanted
to be the Scorpions,
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half wanted to be the Coyotes,
so we compromised.
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Why don't I give you a tour after lunch?
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Yeah, no thanks, moptop.
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Uh, sorry?
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Don't need your help,
don't wanna sign your yearbook
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in, like, gel pen, don't wanna bedazzle
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our college essays, or whatever.
I'm here for like six months,
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and I'm gonna fly solo.
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00:03:03,624 --> 00:03:07,460
Beat it, Gloria.
She is, like, such a dork.
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She, like, loves this school so much.
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Why don't you come sit with us?
We'll teach you which guys are
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cute and which teachers
are secretly pervs, and...
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Yeah, that's a hard pass as well.
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I don't wanna get chunky highlights,
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make fun of nerds, and steal
your mom's flavored vodka.
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00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:23,977
I get your whole "mean girl" thing,
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and I'm all set with it, thanks.
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In fact...
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Listen up, everyone.
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I'm Eleanor, I'm new here,
and as a blanket statement
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for everyone: I don't wanna be
a part of whatever little group
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you've formed because
they're all equally lame.
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Everybody cool? Great.
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Hey, that was really cool,
the way you told
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- all those poseurs...
- No.
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00:03:52,072 --> 00:03:54,107
Michael, welcome. How can I help you?
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00:03:54,141 --> 00:03:58,478
Well, if I'm going to save Fake Eleanor,
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I need some help negotiating.
I don't even know what to offer.
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00:04:02,149 --> 00:04:06,185
I mean, what do you get somebody
who wants to eat a unicorn?
93
00:04:06,253 --> 00:04:10,623
A unicorn bib, yes!
No, no, uh, unicorn holders,
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00:04:10,658 --> 00:04:13,359
you know, like... like,
corn holders, but for unicorns?
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Perhaps, it'd be better
if we just move away
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from the unicorn thing altogether.
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[sighs] No, you're right, you're right.
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00:04:18,332 --> 00:04:20,366
And anyway, there's a bigger problem:
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the Bad Place Crew...
they're all terrible bullies,
100
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and they outnumber me. They even have
101
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their own Bad Janet. I'll show you.
102
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Bad Janet?
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- [tone]
- What?
104
00:04:31,445 --> 00:04:35,014
Bad Janet, uh,
where is the nearest café?
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00:04:35,049 --> 00:04:37,016
Oh, um, that's a good question.
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It's up your mom's butt, you fat dink.
107
00:04:40,521 --> 00:04:42,689
- [tone]
- What is even the purpose
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of a Janet who behaves in such a manner?
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Unclear, but the... the point is
I never have to deal with
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negative emotion of any sort.
I could use some backup, Tahani.
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00:04:53,300 --> 00:04:54,634
Oh, Michael, of course.
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Why don't you just bring them all here?
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Surely this magnificent house
will placate them.
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Oh, perfect, perfect.
I'll be right back.
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00:05:02,042 --> 00:05:04,644
Well, here's... your house.
116
00:05:04,678 --> 00:05:09,215
It's beautiful... I love
Icelandic primitive design.
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I kind of wish
it had a clown nook, oh...
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There it is.
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Here's the bedroom. It's kind of hard
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to get up on this dumb ledge
though, it's like...
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[beep]
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[heavenly music]
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[gasps]
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You have got to be forking kidding me.
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Hey, Fake Eleanor,
we used this same clown painting
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to decorate the room you were
supposed to live in down there.
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I swear to Bieber.
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00:05:29,670 --> 00:05:31,537
Wait, what was your house like?
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Well, I was living in what I assume
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is Eleanor's worst nightmare.
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Every day was basically
one endless baby shower
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for a woman I didn't know,
but also somehow
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I had to organize it.
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00:05:42,549 --> 00:05:44,283
And if I didn't remember
everyone's name,
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I got a very strong electric shock.
136
00:05:46,387 --> 00:05:47,720
Yep, that was my pitch.
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00:05:47,755 --> 00:05:51,124
And then at night,
it was pretty classic torture.
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00:05:51,191 --> 00:05:54,727
Uh, flying piranhas,
lava monsters, college improv,
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00:05:54,762 --> 00:05:57,063
and there was always jazz music playing.
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00:05:57,097 --> 00:06:00,233
Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song
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00:06:00,267 --> 00:06:03,236
is like 40 minutes long.
It's like, we get it.
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00:06:03,270 --> 00:06:06,806
You can blow on a trumpet.
Wrap it up, Elton John.
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00:06:06,874 --> 00:06:08,541
Famously a piano player.
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00:06:08,575 --> 00:06:11,244
I don't mean to be a bother,
but could I possibly
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00:06:11,278 --> 00:06:13,379
get some water and whatever food
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00:06:13,414 --> 00:06:15,248
doesn't turn to spiders in your mouth?
147
00:06:15,282 --> 00:06:18,151
Oh, of course, so sorry.
Let's get some dinner.
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00:06:18,218 --> 00:06:20,620
Yeah, we'll all go. Perfect double date:
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Two losers, a trash bag, and a demon.
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00:06:23,390 --> 00:06:24,824
Let's hit it.
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00:06:24,892 --> 00:06:27,727
Eeh! [laughs]
152
00:06:27,761 --> 00:06:28,961
[classical music]
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00:06:28,996 --> 00:06:30,563
All right, Michael,
we're going to ply them
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with delicious food and drink,
and then we're going to subtly
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segue into negotiation.
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They're sure to be in a good mood.
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Everything is absolutely beautiful.
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This sucks, dude.
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Yeah, this food, uh, blows.
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00:06:43,577 --> 00:06:44,610
Yo, Good Janet.
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- [beep]
- Hi, there.
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00:06:45,746 --> 00:06:47,847
Oh, huh, gimme some jalapeño poppers.
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00:06:47,915 --> 00:06:51,284
Sure, quick question:
what is a "jalapeño"?
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Also: what is a "poppers"?
165
00:06:52,619 --> 00:06:54,420
Also: what is "jalapeño poppers"?
166
00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:57,790
Oops, sorry, guys.
Uh, see, in the confusion,
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00:06:57,825 --> 00:07:01,127
Janet got rebooted,
so she hasn't quite uploaded
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00:07:01,161 --> 00:07:03,463
all of the info she usually knows.
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00:07:03,497 --> 00:07:05,832
[laughter]
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00:07:05,866 --> 00:07:07,300
That's hilarious.
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00:07:07,334 --> 00:07:09,168
She's almost as stupid as people.
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00:07:09,203 --> 00:07:13,139
Oh, hey now, come on.
Let's not insult people, please.
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[as Michael] Uh, I'm Michael,
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- I love, uh, idiot humans!
- [laughter]
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I gotta admit...
that does sound like me.
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"I got to admit...
that does sound like me."
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00:07:24,184 --> 00:07:27,487
- Oh, nailed it again.
- [laughter]
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Go get me a drink.
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00:07:28,622 --> 00:07:30,356
Yes, of course.
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Aw, man, this is gonna make
a primo dump later on.
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00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:39,932
Well, that looks delicious.
What is that?
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Oh, it's Tom Yum Goong soup.
It reminds me of when I was
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in Thailand rescuing
victims of human trafficking.
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Ooh, that sounds so good.
I mean, um, the soup, not the...
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human trafficking.
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00:07:50,077 --> 00:07:52,478
Oh, and I think your grilled
eggplant looks so good.
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00:07:52,513 --> 00:07:53,546
Should we...
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00:07:53,580 --> 00:07:55,214
- [together] Splitsies?
- Yeah! [laughs]
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00:07:57,885 --> 00:08:00,653
I can't believe you thought you could
pretend to be Real Eleanor.
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She's like a perfect ball of light,
191
00:08:02,389 --> 00:08:05,858
and you're like a... wet pile of mulch.
192
00:08:05,893 --> 00:08:08,728
Someone made a person
out of wet mulch and leaves
193
00:08:08,762 --> 00:08:11,597
and, like, dead slugs, and that's you.
194
00:08:11,665 --> 00:08:15,368
Whatever, it's easy when
you're just born perfect.
195
00:08:15,402 --> 00:08:18,404
My parents were both dirtbags
who split up when I was eight.
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00:08:18,438 --> 00:08:20,339
I don't mean to eavesdrop,
but did you say
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00:08:20,374 --> 00:08:21,707
your parents got a divorce?
198
00:08:21,742 --> 00:08:24,377
Yeah, and that kind of thing
really changes a person.
199
00:08:24,411 --> 00:08:27,713
I mean, that trauma...
It can explain away
200
00:08:27,748 --> 00:08:28,915
a lot of behavior.
201
00:08:28,949 --> 00:08:30,516
Oh, of course.
202
00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:32,552
Your parents are still
together, I guess.
203
00:08:32,586 --> 00:08:35,354
Oh, actually, um, I... I'm not sure.
204
00:08:35,389 --> 00:08:36,889
I never met my birth parents.
205
00:08:36,924 --> 00:08:38,624
They put me in an empty fish tank
206
00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:40,893
and abandoned me at
a train station in Bangladesh.
207
00:08:40,928 --> 00:08:43,362
- [groans]
- Luckily, I was found
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00:08:43,397 --> 00:08:46,432
and adopted by a very nice
couple, the Shellstrops...
209
00:08:46,466 --> 00:08:48,401
- Oh, thank God.
- But then they died
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00:08:48,435 --> 00:08:50,403
when I was four... bird flu.
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00:08:50,437 --> 00:08:52,738
- That's awful.
- Anyway, orphanage burned down,
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00:08:52,773 --> 00:08:56,742
yadda yadda yadda, made my way
to America, yadda yadda yadda,
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00:08:56,777 --> 00:08:58,811
learned English
from watching "Seinfeld,"
214
00:08:58,879 --> 00:09:01,714
put myself through law school,
and here I am.
215
00:09:01,748 --> 00:09:03,649
Huh. And, I'm sorry, what...
216
00:09:03,717 --> 00:09:05,318
What is it you said happened to you?
217
00:09:05,385 --> 00:09:07,954
The same thing that happens to
half of all kids in America?
218
00:09:07,988 --> 00:09:09,455
[laughs]
219
00:09:09,489 --> 00:09:11,424
And for you to have
gone through all that,
220
00:09:11,458 --> 00:09:14,493
and to end up
where you did, it is just...
221
00:09:14,561 --> 00:09:16,429
It's just amazing.
222
00:09:16,463 --> 00:09:20,299
Oh, man, these horndogs
are vibing like mofos.
223
00:09:20,334 --> 00:09:21,434
Am I right, Fake Eleanor?
224
00:09:21,468 --> 00:09:23,603
Please, stop calling me that.
225
00:09:23,637 --> 00:09:25,638
Oh, you got it, third wheel.
226
00:09:25,672 --> 00:09:27,306
[laughs]
227
00:09:27,341 --> 00:09:29,342
Yeah, that wine's no good.
I'm sending it back.
228
00:09:34,847 --> 00:09:35,881
Hey, Janet.
229
00:09:36,883 --> 00:09:38,250
You look sad.
230
00:09:38,284 --> 00:09:41,253
People keep asking me questions
that I don't know the answers to.
231
00:09:41,287 --> 00:09:44,056
That was my whole life on Earth.
232
00:09:44,090 --> 00:09:46,558
You know, it doesn't matter
if you know things.
233
00:09:46,592 --> 00:09:49,261
All that matters
is what's in your heart.
234
00:09:49,295 --> 00:09:51,430
Thanks, Jianyu. I mean, it does matter
235
00:09:51,464 --> 00:09:54,299
if I know things, because I'm an
informational delivery system,
236
00:09:54,367 --> 00:09:57,302
and I don't have a heart, but thanks.
237
00:09:57,370 --> 00:10:00,405
Jianyu, I know usually
you ask me questions,
238
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,207
but can I ask you a question?
239
00:10:02,241 --> 00:10:03,408
Sure.
240
00:10:03,443 --> 00:10:05,410
What are jalapeño poppers?
241
00:10:05,445 --> 00:10:06,778
Oh, I know this one!
242
00:10:06,813 --> 00:10:09,948
Okay, they're deep fried
jalapeños filled with cheese.
243
00:10:09,982 --> 00:10:11,283
- Hm.
- One time, at a
244
00:10:11,317 --> 00:10:13,118
Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville,
245
00:10:13,152 --> 00:10:15,921
but the nice one, not the one
above the gas station,
246
00:10:15,955 --> 00:10:18,590
I ate 50 of them in two minutes.
247
00:10:18,624 --> 00:10:21,226
Everyone at the hospital
was so impressed.
248
00:10:21,260 --> 00:10:22,994
Got it. Thanks, Jianyu.
249
00:10:23,062 --> 00:10:24,396
You're welcome.
250
00:10:24,430 --> 00:10:27,399
[light music]
251
00:10:27,433 --> 00:10:29,210
♪
252
00:10:29,235 --> 00:10:30,635
Why did you do that?
253
00:10:30,670 --> 00:10:34,415
Because you're the only
person here that's nice to me.
254
00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:35,407
Okay.
255
00:10:35,441 --> 00:10:38,410
[light music]
256
00:10:38,444 --> 00:10:40,145
♪
257
00:10:40,179 --> 00:10:42,114
Anyone up for a little, uh, icebreaker?
258
00:10:42,148 --> 00:10:44,116
You know, I once did trust falls
with Barry Diller,
259
00:10:44,150 --> 00:10:46,284
and it was the beginning
of a lifelong friendship.
260
00:10:46,319 --> 00:10:49,087
And then once we trust each
other, then we can discuss
261
00:10:49,122 --> 00:10:50,922
making a deal for Fake Eleanor.
262
00:10:50,957 --> 00:10:52,858
This sucks. How do you guys eat
263
00:10:52,925 --> 00:10:54,860
without listening to hard-core porn?
264
00:10:54,927 --> 00:10:56,995
Oh, come on, this is the Good Place,
265
00:10:57,029 --> 00:10:58,530
you can do anything you want.
266
00:10:58,598 --> 00:11:02,167
What about throwing a rager
and totally trashing this place?
267
00:11:02,201 --> 00:11:03,969
Whoo-hoo, yeah, I'd be into that.
268
00:11:04,003 --> 00:11:06,004
Mm, we could totally go to town.
269
00:11:06,038 --> 00:11:08,974
You know, I actually don't
think that's such a good idea.
270
00:11:09,008 --> 00:11:10,175
Let's party!
271
00:11:10,259 --> 00:11:11,847
♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪
272
00:11:11,917 --> 00:11:13,738
- ♪ Who who who who? ♪
- Oh, my God!
273
00:11:13,824 --> 00:11:15,497
♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪
274
00:11:15,531 --> 00:11:17,032
♪ Who who who... ♪
275
00:11:17,066 --> 00:11:21,436
So, um, Chidi tells me that
he's teaching you about ethics.
276
00:11:21,504 --> 00:11:24,339
Yeah, actually,
we've had some interesting
277
00:11:24,373 --> 00:11:27,075
and in-depth classes.
He taught me about Plato
278
00:11:27,109 --> 00:11:29,077
- and Socrates, Immanuel Kant...
- Yeah, cool, shut up.
279
00:11:29,111 --> 00:11:32,013
Let's cut to the chase here...
You two go to Poundtown?
280
00:11:32,048 --> 00:11:34,416
Poundtown, bro. You two bang it out?
281
00:11:34,450 --> 00:11:37,018
She hot for teach?
Did you pork the dork?
282
00:11:37,053 --> 00:11:39,221
C'mon, girl, dish me dem dirty deets.
283
00:11:39,255 --> 00:11:41,523
I assure you, our relationship
284
00:11:41,557 --> 00:11:43,191
was "teacher-student," nothing more.
285
00:11:43,226 --> 00:11:46,127
Chidi, you don't have to
explain anything to me.
286
00:11:46,195 --> 00:11:49,731
Whatever happened before I
arrived is none of my business.
287
00:11:49,765 --> 00:11:51,733
Hey, I'd love to see
the rest of the neighborhood.
288
00:11:51,767 --> 00:11:53,602
Uh, yes, it's... it's incredible.
289
00:11:53,636 --> 00:11:56,271
Um, there's an amazing library,
there's a beautiful,
290
00:11:56,305 --> 00:11:58,373
- piranha-free lake.
- [laughs]
291
00:11:58,407 --> 00:12:00,442
Well, please, show me everything.
292
00:12:00,476 --> 00:12:02,110
You ready, Eleanor?
293
00:12:02,144 --> 00:12:05,280
I've seen it all already.
You guys go ahead.
294
00:12:05,314 --> 00:12:07,749
You'd rather be alone with him?
295
00:12:07,783 --> 00:12:10,151
Fire in the hole...
watch your heads, ladies.
296
00:12:10,219 --> 00:12:12,954
My dudes tend to
boomerang around the room.
297
00:12:12,989 --> 00:12:16,391
Yeah, I mean,
I don't need to walk around
298
00:12:16,425 --> 00:12:19,628
and nerd out about old books. I'm good.
299
00:12:21,497 --> 00:12:22,497
Okay.
300
00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:26,758
Hey, a bunch of us are gonna go see
301
00:12:26,789 --> 00:12:29,070
"Spider-Man 2" tonight.
Do you want to come?
302
00:12:29,105 --> 00:12:31,006
They made a second "Spider-Man"?
303
00:12:31,073 --> 00:12:33,008
What is there left to say?
304
00:12:33,075 --> 00:12:34,309
Sure, whatever, I'm in.
305
00:12:34,343 --> 00:12:35,832
Cool, okay, well, I'll get tickets
306
00:12:35,857 --> 00:12:38,179
for the eight of us, and you can just
pay me back in cash.
307
00:12:38,247 --> 00:12:39,581
So you can get all the points
308
00:12:39,615 --> 00:12:42,017
on your credit card,
and the rest of us get screwed?
309
00:12:42,084 --> 00:12:43,184
- No way.
- No, it's just so
310
00:12:43,252 --> 00:12:45,153
we can all get tickets
before they sell out.
311
00:12:45,187 --> 00:12:46,354
Do you want to buy them?
312
00:12:46,422 --> 00:12:48,123
So you guys can never pay me back,
313
00:12:48,157 --> 00:12:49,624
and I'll be out like 80 bucks?
314
00:12:49,659 --> 00:12:53,361
Nice try. I'll buy my own ticket.
315
00:12:53,429 --> 00:12:55,363
The rest of the group
can do whatever they want.
316
00:12:58,367 --> 00:12:59,768
Where did she end up?
317
00:13:03,205 --> 00:13:07,042
Bought it with points, baby. My points.
318
00:13:09,178 --> 00:13:12,013
I think I need to find
a new place to live.
319
00:13:12,048 --> 00:13:14,215
- [electronic music]
- Oh... no, no, no, no.
320
00:13:14,283 --> 00:13:15,784
Don't... Don't...
321
00:13:15,818 --> 00:13:17,352
All right. Ha.
322
00:13:17,386 --> 00:13:20,355
[sighs] Want a bump?
323
00:13:20,389 --> 00:13:22,390
No, thank you, I... I don't use cocaine.
324
00:13:22,458 --> 00:13:26,227
Oh, it's not cocaine, idiot.
We're snorting time.
325
00:13:26,295 --> 00:13:28,530
Sorry... you're snorting
the concept of time?
326
00:13:28,564 --> 00:13:30,632
Yeah, it'll fork you up.
327
00:13:30,666 --> 00:13:34,135
Yo, monk dude,
you know how to tap a keg?
328
00:13:34,170 --> 00:13:37,172
- Karaoke time!
- Whoo!
329
00:13:37,206 --> 00:13:39,240
Dana, baby, what do you wanna do?
330
00:13:39,308 --> 00:13:42,085
Okay, Mussolini's speech?
Ooh, the Mel Gibson rant?
331
00:13:42,110 --> 00:13:44,546
- That's a classic.
- Classic... Ooh, let's do
332
00:13:44,580 --> 00:13:48,007
- the Nixon Tapes... that's my jam!
- Yeah!
333
00:13:48,032 --> 00:13:49,176
[in Nixon's voice]
"What you always have to
334
00:13:49,201 --> 00:13:51,436
"remember about the Irish
is they get mean.
335
00:13:51,470 --> 00:13:53,471
"Virtually every Irish
I've known gets mean
336
00:13:53,539 --> 00:13:55,614
- when he drinks."
- [cheering]
337
00:13:55,875 --> 00:13:57,275
Whoo!
338
00:13:57,309 --> 00:13:59,144
Michael, tell them to stop.
339
00:13:59,211 --> 00:14:01,713
Oh, I think I made it pretty
clear that I don't approve.
340
00:14:01,747 --> 00:14:03,815
Hey, idiot. Dance.
341
00:14:03,883 --> 00:14:04,916
You got it.
342
00:14:04,950 --> 00:14:07,877
[in Nixon's voice] "Oh, it's about damn
time that the Jew in America realizes
343
00:14:07,902 --> 00:14:10,155
he's an American first
and a Jew second."
344
00:14:10,222 --> 00:14:13,158
[laughs] I lighted him on fire,
345
00:14:13,225 --> 00:14:14,492
and he never spoke again.
346
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:18,129
You know, maybe I'm not
as great as Real Eleanor,
347
00:14:18,164 --> 00:14:20,165
but I'm better than I used to be.
348
00:14:20,232 --> 00:14:24,335
I'm medium-good. Why haven't you forkers
349
00:14:24,403 --> 00:14:26,237
invented a medium place?
350
00:14:26,272 --> 00:14:29,705
Look, I know you've been
trying to become a "better person,"
351
00:14:29,730 --> 00:14:31,668
I mean, you didn't
want to get caught. I get it.
352
00:14:31,715 --> 00:14:33,945
But I read your file...
353
00:14:33,979 --> 00:14:36,448
You don't belong here.
354
00:14:36,482 --> 00:14:37,782
I mean, she spent her weekends
355
00:14:37,817 --> 00:14:39,818
breaking up dog fighting rings.
356
00:14:39,852 --> 00:14:42,454
You once saw a meter maid
writing you a ticket,
357
00:14:42,488 --> 00:14:45,457
and you barked like a dog
till she ran away.
358
00:14:45,491 --> 00:14:48,693
I mean, honestly, you'll be
happier in the Bad Place.
359
00:14:48,761 --> 00:14:50,695
I mean, don't get me wrong,
you'll be miserable.
360
00:14:50,763 --> 00:14:54,332
We will torture you,
but you'll also be happier
361
00:14:54,366 --> 00:14:57,302
because you won't have to keep
trying to fit in somewhere
362
00:14:57,336 --> 00:14:59,270
you just don't belong.
363
00:14:59,305 --> 00:15:01,206
[sighs]
364
00:15:02,641 --> 00:15:03,675
A'ight.
365
00:15:04,977 --> 00:15:06,444
Let's go.
366
00:15:06,479 --> 00:15:09,681
Okay, hold on, I have to ask:
is this thing gonna happen?
367
00:15:09,715 --> 00:15:11,950
- You and me?
- Ew, no, gross.
368
00:15:11,984 --> 00:15:14,645
Okay, you know I had to ask, babe.
369
00:15:19,151 --> 00:15:21,419
♪
370
00:15:21,453 --> 00:15:23,588
Oh, Tahani, I'm so sorry.
371
00:15:23,622 --> 00:15:26,691
I will obviously clean all of this up.
372
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,459
I don't care about the house, Michael.
373
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:31,262
I'm just upset that you
let them walk all over you.
374
00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:35,533
I know... they're the only thing
in the Universe that scares me.
375
00:15:35,601 --> 00:15:36,801
I know what I have to do.
376
00:15:36,835 --> 00:15:39,704
I just have to be... more accommodating.
377
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:42,607
Offer them everything they want,
give in to all of their demands,
378
00:15:42,641 --> 00:15:44,275
and then they'll have to respect me.
379
00:15:44,310 --> 00:15:47,378
No, you need to stand up for yourself.
380
00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:49,213
I'm going to tell you
the same thing that I told
381
00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:52,150
Mark Zuckerberg right before
he ousted Eduardo Saverin.
382
00:15:52,184 --> 00:15:55,320
You are smart, you are capable,
and the time has come
383
00:15:55,354 --> 00:15:58,656
to hit "unfriend." I also told Mark
384
00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:01,559
to lose the "the". Just "Facebook."
385
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:03,494
That was me.
386
00:16:10,369 --> 00:16:13,204
[coughs]
[spits]
387
00:16:13,238 --> 00:16:14,672
[groans] Oh...
388
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:16,307
Oh, my head.
389
00:16:16,342 --> 00:16:17,875
Here, drink this.
390
00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:19,410
How am I hung over?
391
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:21,646
I thought there were no hangovers here.
392
00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:24,849
Well, the Bad Place Crew
requested the hangover filter
393
00:16:24,883 --> 00:16:28,152
be turned off. They like them.
394
00:16:28,187 --> 00:16:30,855
So, Michael said we're meeting
at Tahani's place in an hour
395
00:16:30,889 --> 00:16:33,691
for a negotiation session.
We'll walk over together?
396
00:16:35,594 --> 00:16:37,595
You don't have to come, man. I'm good.
397
00:16:37,663 --> 00:16:41,499
Just hang out with Real Eleanor
and name constellations
398
00:16:41,533 --> 00:16:43,601
after each other,
or whatever it is nerds do.
399
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,169
I'm fine on my own.
400
00:16:45,204 --> 00:16:48,272
Yeah, Eleanor, just because
we have a new guest in the house
401
00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:51,509
doesn't mean I'm not still
gonna be there for you.
402
00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:53,711
I'm in this. We're a team.
403
00:16:55,881 --> 00:16:58,383
So you've been temping
for us for a year now,
404
00:16:58,417 --> 00:17:00,184
and we want to bring you
aboard permanently.
405
00:17:00,219 --> 00:17:02,353
We think you'd be a great
addition to the team.
406
00:17:02,388 --> 00:17:05,223
Yeah, no. Uh, I'm good.
407
00:17:05,257 --> 00:17:07,358
You're turning it down?
408
00:17:07,393 --> 00:17:11,295
I just don't think
I'm really one of you guys.
409
00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:13,464
You're all obsessed
with this place, man.
410
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:16,467
You love working here and
talking about working here,
411
00:17:16,535 --> 00:17:19,237
and you all hang out
like some kind of cult.
412
00:17:19,271 --> 00:17:21,372
We hang out after work
because we're friends.
413
00:17:21,407 --> 00:17:22,874
I know. It's weird.
414
00:17:22,908 --> 00:17:24,375
If this is how you really feel,
415
00:17:24,410 --> 00:17:25,977
I... I think I have to fire you.
416
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,546
Severance pay. Love it.
417
00:17:28,580 --> 00:17:29,747
Good looking out, boss.
418
00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:32,984
Peace!
419
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:34,892
You need me to lie
to old people and scare them
420
00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:36,554
into buying fake allergy medicine.
421
00:17:36,588 --> 00:17:38,589
I get it, man. Which one's my desk?
422
00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:40,124
That one, over there.
423
00:17:40,159 --> 00:17:42,393
All you gotta do is hit your
minimal sales target every week.
424
00:17:42,428 --> 00:17:44,562
Cool. And you guys don't have
425
00:17:44,596 --> 00:17:47,665
any lame, mandatory
office hangouts, right?
426
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,000
Hell no.
427
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:50,708
Some people go out
for a drink after work,
428
00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:52,437
and I like to run
the occasional group drill
429
00:17:52,471 --> 00:17:54,605
to see how fast we can
shred evidence, but that's it.
430
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,641
Most days, you'll be able
to avoid even talking
431
00:17:56,675 --> 00:17:57,675
to another person here.
432
00:17:57,743 --> 00:18:00,244
Perfect. Happy to be a part
of the not-team.
433
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:02,413
It'll be a pleasure
not hanging out with you.
434
00:18:03,782 --> 00:18:06,484
All right, let's begin negotiations.
435
00:18:06,518 --> 00:18:09,420
Now, we would like to discuss
various trades that we could...
436
00:18:09,455 --> 00:18:10,955
Oh, yeah, we're not negotiating.
437
00:18:10,989 --> 00:18:13,925
See, Fake Eleanor and I,
we bro-ed down pretty hard
438
00:18:13,959 --> 00:18:15,960
last night. We hooked up.
439
00:18:15,994 --> 00:18:17,428
No, we didn't.
440
00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:21,499
Yeah, but who are they
gonna believe... me or a woman?
441
00:18:21,533 --> 00:18:23,468
[laughter]
442
00:18:23,502 --> 00:18:24,836
Point is she knows
443
00:18:24,870 --> 00:18:27,038
that she doesn't belong here,
and she's giving up.
444
00:18:28,841 --> 00:18:30,041
Is this true?
445
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,776
Fake Eleanor, are you giving up?
446
00:18:31,810 --> 00:18:33,644
Yeah, of course she is.
She knows this place
447
00:18:33,679 --> 00:18:35,847
isn't for her. Let's go, dingdong.
448
00:18:35,881 --> 00:18:36,948
Come on.
449
00:18:40,652 --> 00:18:42,286
No, I'm not leaving.
450
00:18:42,321 --> 00:18:44,322
Oh, come on, sweetheart,
we've been through this.
451
00:18:44,356 --> 00:18:46,858
You know you don't belong here.
452
00:18:46,892 --> 00:18:48,860
You're right. I don't...
453
00:18:51,730 --> 00:18:53,664
But I want to.
454
00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:56,801
I used to never want
to be a part of any group,
455
00:18:56,835 --> 00:19:01,639
but I'm a different person now
because of the person
456
00:19:01,673 --> 00:19:05,009
who helped me,
and I want to be like him.
457
00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:07,712
I want to be like
all the people who are here.
458
00:19:07,746 --> 00:19:09,847
You can, Eleanor.
459
00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:11,215
Thanks, Real Eleanor.
460
00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:14,318
Hey, if you two aren't
gonna make out, just shut up.
461
00:19:14,353 --> 00:19:15,720
Look, if you don't come with us,
462
00:19:15,754 --> 00:19:18,489
we're gonna have to turn
this matter over to Shawn.
463
00:19:18,524 --> 00:19:21,092
Oh, oh, no, um, Shawn, really?
464
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,494
Wha... uh, who's... Who's Shawn?
465
00:19:23,529 --> 00:19:26,831
He's the wise, eternal
Judge who sits on high,
466
00:19:26,865 --> 00:19:28,699
has the final say on all disputes
467
00:19:28,734 --> 00:19:30,368
between our two realms.
468
00:19:30,402 --> 00:19:32,770
And his name is... "Shawn"?
469
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:35,039
Okay, look, I don't want
Shawn involved either,
470
00:19:35,073 --> 00:19:37,408
so how about you blow us away
with an offer
471
00:19:37,442 --> 00:19:38,709
so we can end this.
472
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:41,445
Okay...
473
00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:44,115
Here's my offer.
474
00:19:46,885 --> 00:19:50,054
You... get... nothing.
475
00:19:50,088 --> 00:19:52,089
We're not letting Fake Eleanor go,
476
00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:53,624
and we're not giving you anything.
477
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:54,859
Get him, Michael!
478
00:19:54,893 --> 00:19:57,528
You can summon
every evil creature you have,
479
00:19:57,563 --> 00:20:00,531
every weapon in your arsenal,
every four-headed
480
00:20:00,566 --> 00:20:04,535
flying bear... they have them down
there... but we are not
481
00:20:04,570 --> 00:20:06,871
giving up. I believe that Eleanor
482
00:20:06,905 --> 00:20:09,874
belongs in the Good Place.
If I'm wrong, you can take her
483
00:20:09,908 --> 00:20:11,909
to the Bad Place and
punish her all you want,
484
00:20:11,944 --> 00:20:13,544
just really go to town on her.
485
00:20:13,579 --> 00:20:14,879
Gah, gah, gah, easy, buddy, easy.
486
00:20:14,913 --> 00:20:16,647
But she's staying here.
487
00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:19,417
Now, all of you...
488
00:20:19,451 --> 00:20:21,719
Get the fork out of my neighborhood.
489
00:20:23,989 --> 00:20:25,489
[suspenseful music]
490
00:20:25,557 --> 00:20:28,659
[chuckles] You're on borrowed
time, Fake Eleanor.
491
00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:31,562
Enjoy it while it lasts.
Let's roll, dummies.
492
00:20:31,597 --> 00:20:33,731
Let's get one drink for the road.
493
00:20:33,765 --> 00:20:35,633
- Bye.
- Did you guys hear any of that?
494
00:20:37,102 --> 00:20:39,070
- [collective sigh of relief]
- Oh, my...
495
00:20:39,104 --> 00:20:41,739
Bravo, Michael, really. [Tahani claps]
496
00:20:47,077 --> 00:20:51,848
♪
497
00:20:51,882 --> 00:20:53,583
Hello, Jianyu.
498
00:20:54,752 --> 00:20:57,587
You got sloppy. I found your junk food
499
00:20:57,621 --> 00:21:00,557
all over the house,
and then, last night,
500
00:21:00,591 --> 00:21:04,093
you knew how to tap a keg.
So I thought I would
501
00:21:04,128 --> 00:21:07,797
come in here and investigate
your little "meditation" den.
502
00:21:07,865 --> 00:21:10,934
What I found was this.
503
00:21:10,968 --> 00:21:14,571
Now, I don't know who you are,
504
00:21:14,605 --> 00:21:16,873
but I do know that you're not
505
00:21:16,907 --> 00:21:19,106
a Buddhist monk.
506
00:21:19,131 --> 00:21:21,328
So let's chat, shall we?
507
00:21:21,352 --> 00:21:26,352
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
38997
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