All language subtitles for [English] Aziz Ansari Stand-Up Monologue - SNL [DownSub.com]

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,467 --> 00:00:09,776 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, AZIZ ANSARI! 2 00:00:09,776 --> 00:00:25,058 ♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 3 00:00:25,058 --> 00:00:28,194 >> THANK YOU! THANK YOU VERY MUCH. 4 00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:30,730 WOW. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. 5 00:00:30,730 --> 00:00:32,899 I'M HERE HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." 6 00:00:32,899 --> 00:00:39,339 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> YEAH! 7 00:00:39,339 --> 00:00:41,474 THE DAY AFTER TRUMP'S INAUGURATION. 8 00:00:41,474 --> 00:00:45,945 MM. PRETTY COOL TO KNOW THOUGH HE'S 9 00:00:45,945 --> 00:00:48,314 PROBABLY AT HOME RIGHT NOW WATCHING A BROWN GUY MAKE FUN OF 10 00:00:48,314 --> 00:00:55,755 HIM THOUGH, RIGHT? [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 11 00:00:55,755 --> 00:00:58,958 CRAZY COUPLE OF DAYS, MAN. YESTERDAY, TRUMP WAS 12 00:00:58,958 --> 00:01:03,797 INAUGURATED. TODAY AN ENTIRE GENDER PROTESTED 13 00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:12,138 AGAINST HIM. WOW. 14 00:01:12,138 --> 00:01:14,574 EVERYONE SHOULD SUPPORT THAT. IT SHOWS THAT PEOPLE CARE. 15 00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:18,445 VERY COOL. I DO THINK WE SHOULD BE CAREFUL 16 00:01:18,445 --> 00:01:20,080 THOUGH. YOU CAN'T DEMONIZE EVERYONE THAT 17 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:23,516 VOTED FOR TRUMP. SOME PEOPLE SAY EVERYBODY WHO 18 00:01:23,516 --> 00:01:26,519 VOTED FOR TRUMP IS A DUMB RACIST. 19 00:01:26,519 --> 00:01:29,823 WE ARE TALKING ABOUT 63 MILLION PEOPLE. 20 00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:32,959 DON'T JUDGE THEM. SOME PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT 21 00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:37,397 POLITICAL PRIORITIES. SOME PEOPLE VOTED FOR HIM WITH 22 00:01:37,397 --> 00:01:39,099 RESERVATIONS. I'M SURE A LOT OF PEOPLE VOTED 23 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:43,336 FOR TRUMP THE SAME WAY A LOT OF PEOPLE LISTEN TO CHRIS BROWN. 24 00:01:43,336 --> 00:01:47,107 HEY, MAN. I'M JUST HERE FOR THE TUNES. 25 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,741 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT OTHER STUFF. 26 00:01:48,741 --> 00:01:50,944 I JUST LIKE THE DANCING AND THE MUSIC. 27 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:54,814 I DON'T CONDONE THE EXTRACURRICULARS. 28 00:01:54,814 --> 00:01:57,784 IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, DONALD TRUMP IS BASICALLY THE CHRIS 29 00:01:57,784 --> 00:02:01,454 BROWN OF POLITICS. AND MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN IS 30 00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:09,729 HIS "THESE HOS AIN'T LOYAL." SO, LOOK. 31 00:02:09,729 --> 00:02:12,298 WE ARE DIVIDED. IT'S OKAY. 32 00:02:12,298 --> 00:02:14,200 WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN DIVIDED BY SOME OF THE BIG POLITICAL 33 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:14,934 ISSUES. IT'S FINE. 34 00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:18,371 AS LONG AS WE TREAT EACH OTHER WITH WITH RESPECT AND REMEMBER 35 00:02:18,371 --> 00:02:20,306 WE ARE ALL AMERICANS IT WILL BE FINE. 36 00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:26,045 BUT THE PROBLEM IS -- [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 37 00:02:26,045 --> 00:02:30,150 -- THE PROBLEM IS THERE IS A NEW GROUP. 38 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:33,086 I'M TALKING ABOUT A TINY SLICE OF PEOPLE THAT HAVE GOTTEN WAY 39 00:02:33,086 --> 00:02:36,456 TOO FIRED UP ABOUT THE TRUMP THING FOR THE WRONG REASONS. 40 00:02:36,456 --> 00:02:40,426 THESE PEOPLE THAT AS SOON AS TRUMP WON THEY'RE LIKE, WE DON'T 41 00:02:40,426 --> 00:02:43,029 HAVE TO PRETEND LIKE WE'RE NOT RACIST ANYMORE! 42 00:02:43,029 --> 00:02:45,131 WE DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND ANYMORE! 43 00:02:45,131 --> 00:02:51,471 WE CAN BE RACIST AGAIN, WHOO! WHOA, WHOA. 44 00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:53,540 NO, NO. IF YOU'RE ONE OF THESE PEOPLE, 45 00:02:53,540 --> 00:02:57,277 PLEASE GO BACK TO PRETENDING. YOU'VE GOT TO GO BACK TO 46 00:02:57,277 --> 00:02:58,845 PRETENDING. I'M SORRY WE NEVER THANKED YOU 47 00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,548 FOR YOUR SERVICE. WE NEVER REALIZED HOW MUCH 48 00:03:01,548 --> 00:03:03,483 EFFORT YOU WERE PUTTING INTO THE PRETENDING. 49 00:03:03,483 --> 00:03:08,788 YOU'VE GOT TO GO BACK TO PRETENDING. 50 00:03:08,788 --> 00:03:13,226 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> HEY. 51 00:03:13,226 --> 00:03:16,529 I KNOW IT'S BEEN A ROUGH COUPLE OF YEARS. 52 00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:23,770 OBAMA, "EMPIRE," "HAMILTON." IT'S BEEN HIT AFTER HIT AFTER 53 00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:25,438 HIT. "STAR WARS" MOVIES WHERE THE 54 00:03:25,438 --> 00:03:27,407 ONLY WHITE CHARACTERS ARE STORM TROOPERS. 55 00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:31,044 I GET IT. IT'S BEEN ROUGH. 56 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:33,179 YOU'VE GOT TO STOP. YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT. 57 00:03:33,179 --> 00:03:37,417 THIS NEW LOWER CASE KKK MOVEMENT. 58 00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:41,554 THIS CASUAL WHITE SUPREMACY. OH, LET ME PUT MY FOOT IN THE 59 00:03:41,554 --> 00:03:44,290 POOL AND SEE HOW COLD THIS WATER REALLY IS. 60 00:03:44,290 --> 00:03:44,958 NO. NO. 61 00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:48,461 I'M TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND SAYING STUFF LIKE TRUMP 62 00:03:48,461 --> 00:03:53,866 WON, GO BACK TO AFRICA. TRUMP WON, GO BACK TO MEXICO. 63 00:03:53,866 --> 00:03:56,936 THEY SEE ME. TRUMP WON, GO BACK TO -- WHERE 64 00:03:56,936 --> 00:04:00,373 YOU CAME FROM. YEAH. 65 00:04:00,373 --> 00:04:03,676 THEY'RE NOT USUALLY GEOGRAPHY BUFFS. 66 00:04:03,676 --> 00:04:14,287 [ APPLAUSE ] IS THAT THE PLAN, BY THE WAY? 67 00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:17,089 WE'RE ALL GOING TO MOVE? ALL THE MINORITIES? 68 00:04:17,089 --> 00:04:20,826 40-SOME PERCENT OF THE COUNTRY? EVERY MINORITY'S GOING TO MOVE? 69 00:04:20,827 --> 00:04:24,564 BEYONCE'S GOING TO MOVE? BEYONCE AIN'T MOVING. 70 00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:26,432 I AIN'T MOVING. OKAY? 71 00:04:26,432 --> 00:04:30,837 MY PARENTS -- [ APPLAUSE ] 72 00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:36,442 MY PARENTS MOVED FROM INDIA TO SOUTH CAROLINA IN THE EARLY 73 00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:38,911 '80s. THEY DIDN'T MOVE UNTIL NINE 74 00:04:38,911 --> 00:04:41,881 YEARS AGO. DO YOU KNOW WHERE THEY MOVED? 75 00:04:41,881 --> 00:04:43,216 NORTH CAROLINA. THEY LOVE IT HERE. 76 00:04:43,216 --> 00:04:51,024 THEY'RE NOT LEAVING. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 77 00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,559 LOWER CASE KKK, MAN. THEY'RE OUT THERE. 78 00:04:53,559 --> 00:04:55,395 HATE CRIMES AND STUFF ARE ON THE RISE. 79 00:04:55,395 --> 00:04:57,864 AS FAR AS PEOPLE MY OWN SKIN TONE, BROWN PEOPLE. 80 00:04:57,864 --> 00:05:01,167 I THINK PART OF THE PROBLEM IS A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVEN'T INTERACTED 81 00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:03,236 WITH ANY BROWN PEOPLE IN NORMAL LIFE. 82 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:08,274 THE ONLY THING THEY SEE IS MONSTERS ON THE NEWS WHO ARE A 83 00:05:08,274 --> 00:05:10,043 DROP IN THE OCEAN. ON THE NEWS REPORTS THEY SHOULD 84 00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:15,014 DO A SECOND REPORT ABOUT OTHER BROWN PEOPLE UP TO NORMAL STUFF 85 00:05:15,014 --> 00:05:19,118 TO CALM THOSE PEOPLE DOWN. SO LIKE THE SUSPECT IS 86 00:05:19,118 --> 00:05:21,721 CONSIDERED ARMED AND DANGEROUS. NOT ARMED AND DANGEROUS THESE 87 00:05:21,721 --> 00:05:25,124 FOUR MUSLIM PEOPLE EATING NACHOS IN CHICAGO. 88 00:05:25,124 --> 00:05:29,762 LET'S GO TO FOOTAGE OF THEM. LOOKS LIKE NASIR SPENT CHEESE ON 89 00:05:29,762 --> 00:05:33,266 HIS KHAKIS. GOT OVERAMBITIOUS WITH THE LAST 90 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:39,706 DIP. WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE. 91 00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:47,847 A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ISLAMAPHOBIC WHICH DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. 92 00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:50,216 SAME GOD. PEOPLE ARE SCARED. 93 00:05:50,216 --> 00:05:52,318 WHY? ANY TIME THEY WATCH MOVIES, TV 94 00:05:52,318 --> 00:05:56,222 SHOWS AND A CHARACTER IS ARABIC, PRAYING OR SOMETHING THAT SCARY 95 00:05:56,222 --> 00:06:00,993 MUSIC FROM "HOMELAND" IS UNDERNEATH IT. 96 00:06:00,993 --> 00:06:02,261 IT'S TERRIFYING. ♪♪♪ 97 00:06:02,261 --> 00:06:06,065 PEOPLE ARE LIKE, AAH! WHAT ARE THEY SAYING? 98 00:06:06,065 --> 00:06:07,600 GOD IS GOOD, NORMAL RELIGIOUS STUFF. 99 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:17,744 IT'S OKAY. YOU WANT TO END ISLAMAPHOBIA. 100 00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:28,421 CHANGE THE MUSIC. IF THE MUSIC WAS LIKE -- 101 00:06:28,421 --> 00:06:30,823 [ SINGING THEME TO "BENNY HILL" ] 102 00:06:30,823 --> 00:06:32,358 PEOPLE ARE LIKE, MAN IT'S ALL ONE WHIMSICAL RELIGION, ISN'T 103 00:06:32,358 --> 00:06:37,230 IT? I THINK TRUMP SHOULD MAKE A REAL 104 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:40,433 SPEECH DENOUNCING THE LOWER CASE KKK. 105 00:06:40,433 --> 00:06:43,970 DON'T TWEET ABOUT ME BEING LAME OR THE SHOW. 106 00:06:43,970 --> 00:06:49,108 A REAL SPEECH. THESE PEOPLE ARE OUT THERE AND 107 00:06:49,108 --> 00:06:53,012 IT ISPISSING PEOPLE OFF. OTHER PRESIDENTS HAVE DONE THIS 108 00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:59,986 AND IT'S HELPED. AFTER 9/11 GEORGE BUSH MADE A 109 00:06:59,986 --> 00:07:03,089 SPEECH AND HATE CRIMES WENT DOWN. 110 00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:07,126 HE SAID ISLAM IS PEACE. THE PERPETRATORS OF THESE 111 00:07:07,126 --> 00:07:10,963 ATTACKS DON'T REPRESENT ISLAM. THEY REPRESENT WAR AND VIOLENCE. 112 00:07:10,963 --> 00:07:15,401 OUR ENEMIES ARE NOT OUR MUSLIM BROTHERS AND SISTERS. 113 00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:18,438 OUR ENEMIES ARE NETWORKS OF RADICAL TERRORISTS. 114 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:19,972 EVERYONE APPLAUDED. REPUBLICANS, DEMOCRATS, 115 00:07:19,972 --> 00:07:22,809 DIDN'T MATTER. IT WAS NOT ABOUT POLITICS. 116 00:07:22,809 --> 00:07:26,712 IT WAS ABOUT BASIC HUMAN DECENCY AND REMEMBERING WHY THE 117 00:07:26,712 --> 00:07:28,181 COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED IN THE FIRST PLACE. 118 00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:31,517 I'M SITTING HERE WATCHING THE SPEECH AND I WAS LIKE, WHAT THE 119 00:07:31,517 --> 00:07:39,492 HELL HAS HAPPENED? I'M SITTING HERE WISTFULLY 120 00:07:39,492 --> 00:07:41,394 WATCHING OLD GEORGE W. BUSH SPEECHES? 121 00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:44,464 WHAT A LEADER HE WAS! 16 YEARS AGO I WAS CERTAIN THIS 122 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,165 DUDE WAS A DILDO. NOW I'M LIKE, HE GUIDED US WITH 123 00:07:46,165 --> 00:08:00,379 HIS ELOQUENCE! [ APPLAUSE ] 124 00:08:00,379 --> 00:08:03,516 I WANT TO LEAVE YOU GUYS WITH A SERIOUS THOUGHT. 125 00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:05,818 I KNOW THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT ARE WORRIED NOW. 126 00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:09,522 THIS IS A WEIRD TIME. IF YOU'RE EXCITED ABOUT TRUMP, 127 00:08:09,522 --> 00:08:10,456 GREAT. HE'S PRESIDENT. 128 00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:14,260 LET'S HOPE HE DOES A GREAT JOB. IF YOU'RE SCARED ABOUT TRUMP AND 129 00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:17,396 YOU'RE VERY WORRIED, YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY, TOO. 130 00:08:17,396 --> 00:08:22,368 IF YOU LOOK AT OUR HISTORY, CHANGE DOESN'T COME FROM 131 00:08:22,368 --> 00:08:25,238 PRESIDENTS. CHANGE COMES FROM LARGE GROUPS 132 00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:29,842 OF ANGRY PEOPLE. AND IF DAY ONE IS ANY 133 00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:33,578 INDICATION, YOU ARE PART OF THE LARGEST GROUP OF ANGRY PEOPLE I 134 00:08:33,578 --> 00:08:36,748 HAVE EVER SEEN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 135 00:08:36,749 --> 00:08:42,688 GOOD LUCK TO YOU. WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT! 136 00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:45,258 BIG SEAN IS HERE. SO STICK AROUND. 137 00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:48,394 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 10752

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