All language subtitles for Ladies Man (1961)

Mrs. Ross! Good morning!

Students, parents,
and beloved faculty,

it is now the time to introduce a young
man who we are very proud as...

I am very proud to know
as the valedictorian of this class:

Herbert H. Heebert.

I am very glad that you choose me!

And that, ladies and gentlemen,
concludes our graduation exercises.

Ma! Ma! Oh, Ma!

Ma! Ma!

- Ma!
- Herbert!

Ma! Oh, Ma! Ma!

Herbert!

Ma!

Oh, Herbert!

Herbert!

You scared me.
I had to go get my coat, I'm sorry.

Just think, Mother, Father,
today is the day.

Oh, I can't wait to go see Faith
and discuss our wedding plans.

Just think, tomorrow, my childhood
sweetheart will be my aging wife.

I'll go get her and I'll be back.
Faith! Faith!

Faith!

Oh, Faith.

Ma!

Ma!

My life is shattered.

The girl I waited for all my life
didn't wait for me.

I'm going away from here.
From her and from girls. I hate girls.

I'm gonna be a bachelor.

I'll be alone all my life.

Pa!

Why did this ever happen
to my Herbert?

Pa, Pa. Ma, Ma.

I'll never hum again.

Oh, Philip, look what happened
to that child.

Oh, my baby.

Oh, my child.

Yes, and what can I do for you?

Well, I'm answering the ad in the paper
about the job and I just...

- Oh, goody!
- Oh, goody, nothing.

You keep your hands off me!

Oh, bonsoir, you are
the American for the job.

I love you, ch�ri.

What are you, crazy, lady?

I'm safe!

Oh, I'm safe.
Oh, I'm so glad I'm safe.

I'm safe. You don't know
what I've been going through.

Now, we might as well start with...
Oh, yes, oh, what's your name?

Mine's Katie. Actually, sometimes
people call me Kay, sometimes Kathy.

My real name, of course, is Katharine.

But it's so funny, though,
sometimes you'd never believe it,

they call me Katharine,
I don't even know it's my own name,

I forget to answer. But sometimes
they call me Katie the Cook,

that's because I cook here,
besides a lot of other things

that I do as well. But it's so funny,
I tell you, when they call me Katharine,

lots of times I can't tell the difference
and I don't answer.

But Katie I always answer to.

Kay, Kathy, it really doesn't
make any difference,

you know how nicknames are.
They're really very funny.

Because you can't ever tell what
a person's gonna call you sometimes,

even Katie the Cook.
But then I...

Herbert!

- Herbert H. Heebert is my name.
- Herbert H. Heebert.

- What's the H stand for?
- Herbert.

No, no, I mean the other H.

No, that's the same
like the other part.

Your name is Herbert Herbert?

Heebert.

How in the world did that happen?

Well, I think it started many years ago.
As a child, I was very stubborn.

My mother used to yell out
of the window, "Herbert. Herbert!"

I never answered the first time,
so it stuck with me.

Herbert Herbert Heebert. I got a T
on both sides and the middle is a T...

- Herbert Herbert.
- Oh, well, I...

I got a pair of Herberts
in front of my Heebert.

Well, that's a very interesting name
you have there.

Now, do you have any references?

Oh, yeah.

It was there all the time
in the first pocket.

- You wanna read this?
- Yeah.

"To whom it may concern: This is
to introduce Herbert H. Heebert,

"a very bright, intelligent, smart,
and cute young man who is quite witty,

"and kind and honest and works
like a son of a gun, if he gets paid.

"He is willing, able and a swell kid.

"He does all the things that are
expected of him.

"Besides, he's also very smart,
and works like a son of a gun.

"And he will do all he can to help.
He has the only respect that's highest,

"and he's cuter than anybody
and smart as a whip.

"Besides being quite bright,
he could be considered a swell chap

"and works like a son of a gun. "

When did you write that, Herbert?

Last night. I didn't have any,
so I figured I'd make one.

Oh, that's nice.
Did you go to school?

Yes.

Yes, I did.

Milltown Junior College,
I just graduated.

Well, you don't seem
very thrilled about that.

I don't know. That was one
of the saddest days of my life.

Why, that's supposed to be
one of the happiest days of your life.

- What happened?
- I know. I know, I know.

Well, it's a pretty long story,
but if you'd like to hear it, I...

Oh, yes, I want very much to hear it.

Well, as you probably
guessed by now...

...I come from a comparatively
small town.

Milltown, New Jersey.

Graduation day was beautiful
and wonderful.

At least until I went to find Faith.

Faith.

Faith was my girl. Faith Templeton.

And when I saw what I saw...

...that was the moment
I knew I hated girls.

Because there, right before
my very baby-blue eyes,

was a girl with another person.

And then I decided that my life
was over and a bachelor I shall be.

Woe is me. Oh, Faith? Faith. Why?

That's the saddest thing
I ever heard.

Oh, Herbert.

Oh, Herbert. There's just one thing
I have to tell you.

Yes?

You've just gotta have faith.

What...? What...?
Oh, Herbert!

Oh, Herbert!

Herbert!
Oh, Herbert!

All I said was you have to have
a little faith.

Oh, for heaven's sakes,
Herbert, all I meant was...

- I'm all right now.
- What's happening?

Oh, Miss Welenmelon,
this is Herbert.

And he wants very much
to come to work here,

and I think that's just wonderful,
because he's very good and so nice,

and he can start tomorrow.

Well, Herbert, you certainly
have convinced Katie,

and that's good enough for me.

You know the kind of a place
I have here.

We can tell him about that
in the morning.

- Oh. Oh, yes.
- Yeah, that will be all right.

I don't really care what kind of place.
I just wanna work very hard and forget.

That's a very good idea.
And I know you're gonna like it here.

And you're gonna just love him,
Miss Welenmelon.

And if you don't mind, now,
I'll take him up to his room

because it's very late
and I'm sure he's tired.

Yeah, I was just yawning
when she said that.

Well, Katie, if he's all right with you,
he's all right with me.

Oh, thank you, Miss Cellosmellow.
I'm gonna get my suitcase.

No, wait, just wait for me in the hall.

Oh, I'll take him up the back way.

We got one!

We've got one, all right.

- Well, now, this is your room, Herbert.
- Oh, it's very nice.

Thank you. You see,
this was Miss Welenmelon's

and Mr. Welenmelon's home
before he passed on,

and rather than sell it just because
it was too big for her,

she decided
to rent out the rooms

and that way she wouldn't be alone.

It's a very good idea.

Being alone, you know,
can be very lonely.

But at least with people around,
then you can be lonely with noise.

Lonely with noise.

Well, you better get to bed
and get some rest

because it is very late, and I'll see
you first thing in the morning

and then we can discuss your chores.

Oh, Katie. Thank you very much.
I think I'll be very happy here.

Well, if nothing else,
I think it'll prove to be very interesting.

Nighty-night.

It's a soft bed.

The time, early.

The weather, cool.

This evening, nutty.

Tomorrow, nice.

Good morning

Herbert

Good morning

Herbert

Well, Herbert, don't just stand there.
Haven't you anything to say?

Ma.

Ma!

Ma!

Ma! Ma!

Who's there?
Don't answer that, I don't care.

Just go away,
I'm scared and that's it.

It's me, Herbert. Miss Welenmelon.

Yeah, well, you go away.
You misled me.

And I don't wanna go live in no harem,
particularly in my condition.

Now, now, Herbert.
Please don't be concerned.

Yeah, well, there's plenty
to be concerned about.

I ran down there, and...

I guess I didn't have enough stuff
to bolt me.

I'm surprised at you, Herbert.

Your actions certainly weren't
those of a gentleman.

Well, how do you expect me to act
like a gentleman?

I walked smack dab
into a ladies' room.

Oh, Herbert, I know how you feel.

Katie told me about your problem.
But you've got to take hold of yourself.

Yeah, you're right, or they will.

Now, now, come along
and meet the ladies,

and you'll see how ridiculous
this whole thing is.

It is? Well, you lay one hand on me
and I'll report you

to the child labor board.
I'm leaving and that's final.

I'll not try to stop you.

OK.

Well, gee whiz, I don't want
you should cry. Let me think a minute.

What should I do?
Should I stay...?

I gotta think harder.

Should I stay or not?

Oh, all right.
I'll stay, but only on one condition:

I'll stay as long as it takes you
to get another boy.

Oh, you're a doll, Herbert.
I knew you wouldn't let me down.

And the girls will be happy too.

Yeah, well, you just tell them
they can look but they can't touch.

All right, Herbert.
Now, don't you worry about a thing.

Come along and we'll get you
some breakfast.

Well, there's plenty to worry about with
a lot of girls. I don't mind telling you.

I never saw so many girls.
There's a whole bunch of them.

- I got scared...
- Herbert!

Now, you listen to me.
You go into that dining room in there,

and at the back of the room
you'll see the door that

will take you upstairs to the kitchen,
and you have some breakfast.

Kitchen upstairs?
I don't have to work up an appetite,

I don't eat breakfast
in the morning anyway.

You know what they say
about breakfast.

Yeah, they say it's the most important
meal you can eat in the morning.

- But I don't eat breakfast all the time.
- What?

- Well, I didn't mean nothing by that.
- Remember,

- Miss Welenmelon knows best.
- Yes, you do.

So I'll go in and I'll have
just half a welen, is that all right?

- Now, you do that.
- OK, then I'll go.

- And, Herbert. Now, listen.
- Yes.

Go along
Go along

OK

Girls.

Come, come, come, come.
Come on, come on.

Now, look and listen carefully.

This is a very nice boy.

He's had a couple of heart tugs

and he's pretty set
against women at this time,

but there is one way
we can keep him.

It's simple. He likes to help.

He doesn't know at this moment,
I don't think, how to say no.

And I believe that he likes
to be needed.

Miss Melonwelen told me
to come in and have breakfast.

And I don't... I said to her, "I don't... "

You see where my hand is?

- It's on the toaster.
- Yeah.

And it's hot!

- Take it off.
- It's stuck!

That's pain. Oh, hurt, hurt.
There's hurt in pain.

Would you just lift my hand off?

Just lift it up.

Katharine. Oh.

Katharine, Miss Welenmelon wanted
me to tell you that Herby is to have...

Herbert. Herbert.

Herbert. H-E-R-B-E-R-T is Herbert.

How do you spell Herbert?
Not Y, Herby.

It's Herbert, Bert, Bert, call me Bert.
Just not Herby. Herbert.

- That Herbert is to have his breakfast.
- I'll see to it.

I was telling Miss...

...the lady, I don't need no breakfast,
I never ever have...

If you don't do what Miss Welenmelon
tells you to do, why, she'll have a fit.

- A fit?
- A real fit.

- A fit?
- A fit like you wouldn't believe.

- That's some fit.
- A real fit.

- I'd better be careful.
- You better be very careful.

- Should I watch it?
- A lot.

Now, don't overdo it...

...but if you see that he's
weakening in any way at all,

ask for something.

Make him feel wanted
and important.

And in this way, I think we'll have
one fine houseboy a little longer

than the normal three days. OK?

That's all.

See you tonight.

This is just the best thing in the world
for a growing boy.

Forget it, lady. Will you forget it?

I let you talk me into this
ridiculous chair

because I felt sorry for you.
You had it fixed up and all.

I can't do this, this is...
I don't eat no breakfast, I told...

I don't wanna eat. Is that...?
I'm getting out of here.

- There you go.
- You got one in, huh?

- See, that's all right.
- That's it, there's no more.

- Now, let me ask you...
- No, this is ridiculous.

- If anyone walked in and...
- What is an animal...?

- The biggest...?
- An animal? The biggest is an ox.

- There you are.
- I thought I got away.

- No, that's wonderful.
- You just took care of my sweater.

- Now, just open there...
- Look, I don't need this.

- Oh, there...
- You missed, you missed.

No, you missed now, Herbert.

- You've got to have it...
- You missed.

- Why, I never...
- You missed my mouth.

- Now you say "ah" and...
- No, there's no "ah". Would you aim?

- If you...
- At least give me the...

- This woman is out of her mind.
- But if you didn't move around...

I'm not moving! Well...

At least you got
a double that time.

That's a two-bagger,
Miss Melonsmelon.

Oh, would you mind just checking
the beard on this side?

I don't want that!
I'm getting out of the chair!

Give me one more,
just for good luck. That's it.

Now, come along with me, Herbert,
because Miss Welenmelon wanted me

to show you everything that you have
to do, so you know your duties.

Now, here's the phone.

- That's one of them?
- That's the only phone.

The only phone in such
a big mansion?

Oh, yes, for a very good reason.

- It's cheaper?
- No.

Oh, then it's less expensive
than having a lot of phones.

Yeah.

- Oh, Herbert, you're so cute.
- Well...

Now, when a phone call comes in,
you get to the girl it's for

as quickly as you can
so she can answer it,

have her conversation, hang up,
so then it'll be available for others.

So then I can run up and down
the stairs a lot of more times.

- Come on.
- Wonderful.

Now, here, of course, is the gaming
table you must keep very clean.

- I love solitaire.
- Herbert, there is no time for this,

- you've lots to do. Come on, come on.
- All right.

I just like to play that a lot,
whenever I get a chance.

Oh, this is terrific.
This is a dizzy staircase.

Now, here is the rare
butterfly collection

that belonged to Mr. Welenmelon.

Oh, that's lovely. I like that. I like birds
and bees and bugs that fly, and things.

Say, that's a Bluetooth Merkdekker.

- You know about butterflies?
- Oh, I was once a botany.

I think this one belongs
to the Yellow-bellied Sapsucker family.

And this blue one
is a Gray-tailed Blue.

And in the center,
you have a Greenfly Worst.

It's a worsted wing.
You see, the wing is on the end,

some are shorter than the other.
The wing gives the sound of the:

- when it flies.
- It makes that sound?

- Oh, that's wonderful.
- That's when it's sick, but:

- when it's flying good.
- Oh, that's wonderful.

This is a very lovely species here.
This was once a frog.

- A frog turned into a butterfly?
- Well, it forced itself.

- I don't know, I never found out.
- Amazing.

- Wonderful. Now, now, Herby.
- Yes?

Once or twice a week, this case
must be very carefully dusted.

- I'll touch it very care...
- You have to be careful, understand?

I'll do it from a distance.
Another room, maybe.

Oh, well, that's good.
Now, you wait right here for me,

because I have to go see
if Baby's all right.

All right.

She has a baby?

That's a good Baby.

Very good Baby.

Oh, what a darling.

Oh. Oh, you never touch this.

Never touch this gorgeous antique
collection of Mr. Welenmelon's.

Been in the family for 50 years.
Put it back.

Gentle!

You got glue?

Oh, but I... Here, this is good.

Oh, but don't feel bad. Don't... Don't...

Don't feel bad.

No, wait. Don't, please.
We'll fix it.

Oh, Herbert, Herbert.

I just talked to Miss Welenmelon

and I told her that that glass
collection was so dusty,

I just had to have it
sent out to be cleaned.

Oh, thank you very much, Kathy.

I appreciate that because I was
scared that she'd be mad on me.

Oh, you don't ever have to
worry about her being angry

- as long as you do your work well.
- Yeah.

So if you'll...

If you'll just go and feed Baby,
I'll appreciate it very much.

Baby? Oh, yeah, oh, I'll do that.

But after the baby is fed,
I mean, will you be available?

Because I don't know
about burping that thing.

Oh, for heaven's sake, no.

- Baby is not a baby.
- No?

Baby is Miss Welenmelon's pet.

Oh. Oh, I was wondering how... Yeah.

- Oh, that's good, I'm glad.
- A baby.

Oh, you're such a dear,
young, naive Herby.

- Herbert.
- Herbert.

Oh, Baby's the dearest little
darling in all the world.

Oh, we just love
that funny little thing.

I hope you like animals, do you?

Oh, I like pets, yeah.

I had a pet once.

A goldfish, Marvin.

I was very attached to it
and it was attached to me and...

I never thought I'd really
get over losing Marvin.

Oh, that's a shame.

What happened?

Oh, well.

As I said, we were very attached.

One night, I was going to bed and I
didn't want Marvin to be lonesome,

just sloshing around in the water.

So I took Marvin to bed with me,
to spend the night,

and in the morning, he just laid there.

Oh, Marvin, Marvin, Marvin.

Herbert, Herbert, Herbert.

Oh, I'm all right now.

Oh, you... You mustn't cry, Herbert.

Well, you know, I get choked up
when I think about Marvin.

Yeah, but you mustn't. You mustn't.

Don't you see? This is your chance

to make a brand-new friend,
and Baby is such a darling.

All right. I'll... I'll feed it
and make friends with it.

Oh, good. Now, if you'll just go

- and get his milk.
- But I have to dust some more.

That's all right,
I'll take care of it for you.

- All right.
- And then remember,

in about an hour, he gets his meat.

- I'll see you when you're all through.
- He gets his meat in an hour.

First, I'll bring him his milk.
Thank you very much, Katie.

Right.

Imagine that. A goldfish.

Marvin?

Oh, but he's sweet.

What am I knocking?
A pet can't answer the door.

That's Baby?

That's a Baby, boy.

That's a Baby, boy!

Oh, that's some Baby, boy.

I'll feed him his meat.

Get on the milk and slide.
That's good meat.

This is some tidbit, boy.

I don't believe it.

That's some Baby.

What a Baby!

Ohh, I shur wish ah had to ta ma ole

an never really founa
bodacious ma owe ya, has nu?

They just told me to deliver...

She said that she is very glad
that you took the time out

to come up and bring her the mail,

and that if in any way she can show
her appreciation, please do call on her.

And that she just doesn't think
there are enough

people in the world nowadays
doing things for each other.

And besides that,
she likes you very much.

Come along, dear. Come on.

I don't know that.

Oh, it's from him. It's from him.

You don't understand. He wrote.

He actually sat down
and wrote. He wrote...

In a second.

Oh, come on in.
Come on, come on.

Mail for me? Aren't you sweet.
And swell too.

I think you're so sweet, honest.

You see, I so rarely get
any mail and I'm so happy.

And I repeat, you are a sweet,
swell sweetie-face.

Well, thanks very much.
Here you are.

There's three of them for you.

Thank you.

Sweet, swell, what a nut!

Thanks for the mail
Now, baby, let's wail

Herby. Herby, come over here.

No. No, Herby.

We never knock on that door.

We never...

- ... bother Miss Cartilage.
- We don't?

You just go right along now
and deliver the mail in the next room.

Thank you, Herbert.

Yes? And to what do I owe
the honor of this visit?

Pray, could it be that you are torn
inside out since our last meeting?

No. I just came to deliver the mail.

Oh, excuse me, kid.
I kind of got carried away a little.

You see, I'm rehearsing for a part.

Oh, yeah, what part?

Any old part.

Nothing definite.

I just want to be prepared in case
something comes along.

- Oh.
- As a matter of fact...

...would you mind helping me
rehearse a little?

And what do you want I should do?

I'll close the door. You knock on it.

I'll answer it, and then you
can tell me if it's effective.

Yeah, that sounds like fun.

OK, I'll try that out.

You! You dare come back
after leaving me and the baby!

I don't believe it.

How was that one?
Pretty good, huh?

Oh, yeah, that was very good.

Let's do another one now.

Only this time, don't knock.

I'll just kind of feel you there.

Yeah, well, could you feel
a little easier this time?

- OK.
- Thank you.

Hi, honey.

Gee, it's good to see you again.

- I missed you.
- I like this scene.

It's been a long time.

What am I, crazy or something?

Even talking to you after not hearing
from you for such a long time!

Now, you stay out of my life
once and for all!

I got it again.

Say, you're wonderful.

You really bring out the best in me.

I'd hate to see the worst in you, lady.

To be perfectly truthful with you,
I don't wanna play-act no more.

I wish you the very best of luck,

and I think you'll make
a very terrific lion-tamer.

Whatever I make,
I wanna thank you.

You're a doll.

Oh, I lost a cheek now.

Oh, my skin of my back is caught
in the crack of the door. Lady.

Lady. Open.

Hello...

...you great, big, beautiful...

...blond male specimen
of sheer delight.

- Blond?
- What's on your mind,

except wanting to press
your lips to mine

and wandering off into
ecstasy land with me?

- Blond?
- Or is the sight of me

throwing you so badly
that you cannot speak?

Oh, I can speak, yeah.

I just brought your mail.

Ma!

Oh, Ma!

Girls! Herbert's leaving! Stop him!

Is it a book? A movie.

- Quotations.
- Quotations.

How many words?

- Ten. Twenty.
- Twenty-three.

Good evening.

Will you come in, sir?

Is there anything I can do for you, sir?
Anything at all?

Yeah, kid. Get out of my way.

Is there anything I can get for you,
anything I can do for you or anything?

Look, skinny, I come
to see my girl. She's...

I forgot to find out which one that
you wanted to see and I ran out, sir.

- Look, stupid.
- No, Herbert.

- Stupid.
- Herbert.

- Stupid!
- Stupid Herbert, that's right, that's me.

That's better.

Well, you shouldn't get upset, man.

Because, mister,
I don't know the girls, see.

- And that's why I ran back.
- It's a good thing you don't know her.

I don't want you to know her.

I don't want you to even look at her.

No, I won't even ever look at her.

What's the matter,
she's not good enough for you?

Oh, she's good enough for anybody.

- What?
- I didn't mean nothing by that.

What do you want from my arm?
I didn't mean that.

I mean, I don't wanna know her,
I don't wanna talk.

I won't do none of those things.

Just tell me who it is
and I'll go get her for you, that's all.

Her name is Gwendolyn Pearce.

All right, Gwendolyn Pearce.
I'll tell her.

And who should I say is calling?

- Willard C. Gainesborough.
- All right.

The C is for killer.

I was a little afraid that
it could've been that.

- Now, beat it!
- I'm gonna...

And remember... don't look at her.

- No, I won't look at her.
- Don't talk to her.

I won't talk to her.

- Don't get close to her.
- I won't get even close to her.

- Don't get near her.
- No, I won't get near her.

I'll wave to her from another girl.
I'll write a note that he's here, so...

Because if I catch you getting
even close to her, it's over for you.

- Over?
- You hear me?

- Over. O-V-U-R, over.
- That's over.

I was never so scared of anything,

I'll nev... It'll be over because I'll
never touch nothing or any... Never...

Herbert. Herbert.

- I just spoke with Miss Welenmelon
- I don't understand this.

- and I am so very proud of you.
- This man says, I should go

- She said that she is terribly pleased
- and call the girl, but not to talk to her.

- with the way you're doing your work.
- But what girl?

- You are living proof of the old saying:
- Miss Gwendolyn Pearce.

- "Good people are good things to be. "
- How do I call her? I said I'd call her.

I'll tell one of the other girls
or something like that.

His middle name is C.
The C stands for killer.

So if I do like he says,
then maybe I won't get in trouble.

I think she kissed me. Oh, gee.

Hey.

- May I help you, sir?
- You sure can.

Where's that skinny, unglued,
crew-cut cat that went after my date?

Oh, you mean Herby.

I mean, Herbert.

He is probably looking for her,
and undoubtedly will be right down.

- That man who's your date...
- Thank you very much, Herbert.

Tell him I'll be right down.

Well, where's my girl?

- Oh, well, I just wanted to tell you...
- Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

- You went up to get my girl, right?
- Yeah.

- You didn't get close to her, right?
- No.

- You didn't get even near her, right?
- That's right.

Now you come downstairs,
you got lipstick on your face.

- Oh, that's not... When I...
- Hold it!

I don't believe it.

Do you know you're sitting
on my hat?

Do you know that's
my brand-new hat?

Do you know that you better get up
and give me my hat?

Maybe we can get it weaved.

Fix the hat.

Put it on my head.

I don't like it that way.

Is that all right?

No.

Would you like it that way?

No, I think it would be good...

Like that?

Should I start it over?

Do something.

I don't like it that way.

Oh, my hair.

Comb my hair.

That's better.

Put the hat on my head.

What did you do to the lining?

I like the brim down.

Not all the way down.

I'll get that off.

You'd better.

Is that good now?

I can't see out of my left eye now.

Get the hat off!

- I know, I'll just...
- Comb it again.

Yeah, OK.

How's that?

Fix it right.

That's better.

Thank you. There's just...
Can I get that strand hanging?

Please do.

That's my eyebrow.

No, what happened to my hat?

Darling. I see you've met Herby.

Yeah.

Yeah, I met Herby.

I'll fix...

Look at me. Look at how I look.

Look at how I look.

What are you doing?

Herbert. Not that room.

Katie!

- Hi.
- Oh, no.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, but...

- No!
- Oh, but I...

- No! No!
- Oh, but, I wouldn't...

Was it something I said?

Say, kid, why do you look so strange?

I don't know. I looked like that
from the first day I was born.

Say, tell me something.

Did you ever see someone
that you thought you met before?

I'll be a son of a gun.

That's what I was just thinking that
very minute that you said that.

- You're kidding.
- No, I was saying to myself just now,

"Herbert"... That's my name, Herbert.

"Did you ever see someone
that you thought you saw...?"

I thought I saw you before.
Did I meet you here some time?

Well, very honestly, kid,
you probably saw one of my pictures.

That's it, yeah. Up on one of
the girls' dressers I must have saw it.

No, one of my films on the screen.

Oh, you mean in a newsreel?
You were in an accident?

No, no, kid.

Look, don't you ever go to movies?

Yeah, all the time.
I love to go to movies.

I go special to see the cops
and robbers.

One time, I just want to see
the robbers win, once.

Well, in that case you must have seen
one of my movies.

I've always played the ga... the robber,
who's been trying to win for years.

But you know how it is,
crime doesn't pay.

But really...
Are you in the movies, really?

A movie star?

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

I'm George Raft.

Yeah?

You are, huh?

Then you would know
and prove it by telling me,

what was the name of the movie
you was in where you flipped the coin?

Scarface. Satisfied?

No, because anybody would
know the name of that movie.

Show it to me by proving
that you can flip the coin.

- Oh, this is getting ridiculous.
- Chicken.

No, I'm not chicken. I'll prove it.

George Raft, huh?

So good you aren't with a coin, right,
Mr. Raft?

What's the matter, wise guy?

Anybody can miss.

- I'm not infallible.
- And you're not George Raft, either.

Look, I'm George Raft.

Please believe me.

Look, aside from playing robbers
on the screen,

I used to do a lot of dancing
in my pictures, right?

Yeah, well, I saw him do
some of that dancing, yeah.

All right, then give me your hand
and you be the girl.

Forget it, there's no being no girl.
I don't wanna know who you are.

There's no dancing,
plus the fact I can't follow.

Please dance with me, won't you?

All right, just once.

I'll put on the phonograph and see...

Oh, I'll put it on. You stay right here.

I've never done this before.

Hello, Fay. You all right?

I'm sorry, Herbert, I didn't see you.
Yes, I'm fine.

Yeah, you're fine, all right.

You're a fine fibber.

Well...

...to be perfectly honest,
I'm not so fine.

I had an audition and...

I'd rather not talk about it,
if you don't mind.

Oh, no... I don't mind if you don't want
to talk about it.

You didn't get it, huh?

No, I didn't...

...and I guess I never will.

Well, you certainly won't
if you say you won't.

You gotta learn, Fay,
you have to think negative.

- You mean positive.
- Yeah, positively.

I mean, that's what I meant,
to think that way.

Because, I mean, really,

you can't expect a stranger
that meets you just for a moment

to think any more of you
than you think of yourself,

after knowing you for so long.

Right?

I guess you're right, Herbert.

But I get so depressed sometimes.

I don't know if I can explain it...

...but I always feel...

...that there isn't anyone
in the world but me.

That everyone else has gone
to a happier place and...

...it just isn't my turn yet.

I don't know, does that sound silly?

No, it doesn't sound silly, except...

...it sounds silly.

Well, no,
what I mean to say is that,

I think the only time you
should feel that way

is when you know
no one cares for you.

And as long as there are those
that care for you,

you shouldn't feel that way.

I don't know of anyone
who really cares for me.

Well, I care for you, Fay,
and I'm an anyone.

Oh, that is nice, Herbert.

And you're nice.

And I hope we're not imposing.

Oh, of course not.

And it certainly didn't take
you people long

getting around to paying me
that visit we discussed.

Oh, well, we do things quickly,
Miss Welenmelon.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
This is my associate Miss Reed.

She's in charge of
research and information.

Well, I'm very happy to know you,
Miss Reed.

Oh, thank you, Miss Welenmelon,

and it really is a delight
to finally meet you.

I loved watching you years ago
when I went to the opera with my dad.

He was one of your biggest fans.

Yes, and there were many, many more
fans that would love seeing you again.

You know, on our telecast, we play to
over 50 million people in one night.

Fifty million?

- Isn't that right, Miss Reed?
- Yes, 50 million people.

My heavens.

Well, how does your program work?
Is it done in your studio?

Well, no, no, not actually.

You see, what we really do is to bring
the cameras and the crew to you.

In your home.

That's why the show is called
Up Your Street.

Well, it certainly sounds exciting.

And I would love doing it.

Oh, Mr. Zousman,
isn't that just divine?

That's just wonderful.

Now, Miss Reed will fill you in,
and we'll be ready in no time at all.

All right, fellas, coffee break's over!
Back to work!

Thirty-one.

Hold, hold it, hold it.
Watch this cable over here.

The cable.
That guy has the cable.

- Watch the cable.
- Whoops.

Magneto head.

Hey! Hey, kid!

Hey, you up there!

I want to see if my panel
is working yet.

Will you say something into
the microphone for me?

- Now?
- Oh, just a second.

OK.

Come in, Tracy. Pear Shape. Over.

Geronimo!

Are you all right, man?

Was that too loud?

Wait.

Mister?

Mister?

Mister?

Mister?

Oh, mister, I'm sorry.

I'm awfully sorry.
Here, let me get you up.

Wow, you really fell into that thing.
Are you all right, mister?

You OK?

I'm sor... Are you all right?

But are you all right?

I'm... O... K!

All right, five minutes,
five minutes, everybody!

Let's look sharp.
Five minutes to airtime.

Hey, will somebody up there
give me a test on this?

Geronimo!

Let me see so I can...

- Herbert!
- You look great!

Yeah, I'm very, very...
I dressed up. I just dressed up.

When are we gonna
be on television, when?

Hello, New York. This is a test.

Eight seconds.

This is five.

Good evening. This is Del Moore.

May I once again welcome you to the
show that doesn't come from a studio,

a show that wasn't made
in some far-off land,

a show that can and does come
from Up Your Street.

And here, folks, is your host
for Up Your Street,

Westbrook Van Voorhis.
Mr. Van Voorhis.

Good evening.

Tonight we are going to visit two
outstanding personalities.

One from the world of
old show business

and one from the world of sports.

Our sports figure is none other
than Audrey Whitefish,

the little 123-pound,
red-haired lass from Dublin,

who is the first lady ever to swim
the Mississippi River, lengthwise.

And the other personality,

a favorite of mine for years,
and I'm sure a favorite of yours,

Miss Helen N. Welenmelon.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

it's been a long time since
Miss Welenmelon retired,

and I'm sure you'll be as thrilled
to see her once again as I will.

And we can then tell the story of what
she's been doing all these years,

and why.

All right, 30 seconds!

Gosh, that's marvelous!

- Excuse me.
- Sorry.

I'd just like to check
but there's a lamp there.

Ten seconds.

All right, get ready,
we're coming out of commercial.

Miss Welenmelon, I'm so excited and
glad. You're gonna be on television.

If you're gonna mention my name,
just say it's Herbert H. Heebert,

and it's Milltown Junior College,
and I'm much taller in person.

Hello, America! I'm so glad for you.

You're gonna be a famous person.
They'll see you in person.

And here she is,
Miss Helen N. Welenmelon.

Oh, I think they said your name.

They said your name...

And a good evening to you,

Mr. Van Voo... Van Voorhis.

I am most happy to have you on
Up Your Street.

I don't know where he came from,
but she's trying to be polite to him.

Helen N. Welenmelon.

Well, it certainly has been
a very exciting...

...and a most delightful experience...

...preparing for this electronic meeting...

- My button's stuck on your carnation.
- ... with you, Mr. Van Voorhis.

And we, too, have been excited about
seeing you again, as I said before.

My button is stuck on her flower.

Tell me, Miss Welenmelon...

...being as curious as I know
the viewers are...

I got free just then.

What about the size
of the big house you occupy?

Would you mind telling us about that?

Tell him.

Not at all, Mr. Van Voorhis.

- I... You see...
- They're calling me.

...when the late Mr. Welenmelon
and I were married,

we wanted to have a lot of children,

that is, a large family,
is what I really meant to say.

But unfortunately...

...Mr. Welenmelon was taken from me
just shortly after we were married.

So we really didn't have
much of a chance, you see.

Yes, indeed I do.

But we happen to know that you do
have many children actually,

do you not?

Yes, I do, Mr. Van Voorhis.

And I'm quite sure, due to modesty,
ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Welenmelon hesitates to tell us

something we kind of found out
in our own sneaky little way:

That she went through a pretty rough
time of it when she started out,

and therefore gives
room and board to the ladies

that are trying to do the very
same thing

she tried and succeeded in doing,
many, many years ago.

Well, thank you for the kind words,
Mr. Van Voorhis,

but you know the old saying, "The...

"The giver gets and the taker has
and the receiver wants. "

Yes, indeed I do. But first,

a little surprise we have for you,
Miss Welenmelon.

Your number one helper,
Herbert Heebert, and some of the girls,

put on a little performance before
our cameras this morning,

which we will now show you.

If you hate wine

Don't go to Paris

Asleep by nine

Don't go to Paris

If there'll be no Mimi or Louisa

Pass it by
Don't apply for a visa

If love's a bore

Don't go to Paris

Behind each door

You'll find romance

Better go somewhere else

Don't take a chance

For if you want a place that's quiet

And you're living on a diet

Stay away from France

Sans boire du vin

N'allez pas � Paris

Entre chaque porte

On trouve ce qu'on veut

Si votre coeur a vieilli

Don't take a chance

But if you like to live a trifle

Having fun beneath the Eiffel

Come with me

To France

We really hate to cut the kids' show,
but unfortunately, as you know,

there is still a great deal
for us to do.

So may we take a quick look

at the rest of your lovely home,
Miss Welenmelon?

Yes, indeed, Mr. Van Voorhis.
Won't you come this way?

Oh, Miss Welenmelon,
we're still on television. I'm glad!

I'm sorry, I didn't know
that you were busy.

This is... Oh, excuse me.

This is my glasses.

- This is the elevator, Mr. Van Voorhis.
- Yeah, this is the elevator.

- It takes us from floor to floor.
- Floor to floor.

And in a house this size, you know...

You have to have a large...

And good night
from Up Your Street.

I can't do it.
You better show me again.

It's all that lipstick that makes it bad.

There's not much. I'm sorry.

All right, now, listen, Herbert.

"Red roses ruin regular reasons
rightly read reading. "

Now say that.

"Red roses ruin regular reasons. "

Red roses...
Red roses ruin regular reasons.

- Redden roses?
- No.

- Red roses ruin regular reasons.
- Red roses...

"Now, please practice playing pool
politely, poorly, proudly. "

Hi, honey.

What is that? It's mov...

Boy, what imagination
can do for you.

Ma!

Early in the morning
Work, work, work

Early in the morning
Do not shirk

Rum pum pum

Miss Welenmelon.

Oh, Miss Welenmelon. Miss...

Oh, Welenmelon. Miss Welenmelon.
Miss Welenmelon.

Katie?

Baby's loose!

Baby's what?

Baby's what?
Say Baby ain't.

Baby. Hurry up, Baby.
Come on, Baby, where are you?

Say that ain't true.
Say it's a lie, Baby ain't.

Baby... Oh!

Oh, it's true.

Where Baby?

I'm scared!

All right, Baby. Baby!

Come on, Baby. Come here, Baby.
Come here, Baby.

Come on, Baby, where are you?
We're looking everywhere for you.

Save me from that thing.

Is it out there?

Nice Baby.

Oh, I'm scared to death.

- Oh, Herby, Herby, Herby.
- It's Herbert, Herbert, Herbert.

And just what, may I ask,
is so funny?

You are, Herbert. Now, why don't you
just simmer down and relax.

- Baby won't hurt you.
- Yeah, but does Baby know that?

Just as soon as I can find him,
I'll show you how harmless he is.

There you are.

- Where?
- There he is, right behind you.

I don't believe it!

Oh, Baby.

Now, where were you?
You come right on out here.

Well, come on. Yeah, that's good.
Come on.

Good. That's a good dog.

Oh! Oh! Get it away.

That's gonna bite again.

That... I wouldn't...

I'm... That thing bit me.

I'm... It attacked me from...

I wasn't even ready.

And I'm a coward.

Gee, I'm sorry I'm late, kids.
Have any of you seen Herby around?

- No.
- Why, you doing Macbeth tonight?

No, smart aleck.

The heel broke on my shoe,

and I just wanted him
to go to the shoemaker

and get it fixed before it closes.

Oh, and when you find him,
will you tell him to pick up my TV set?

I left it at the repair shop.

I don't know what we did
until Herby came along.

He irons sheets for me
like you don't believe.

Whoever got that idea
to make him feel needed

every time he wanted to leave,
ought to get a medal.

It works every time.

Are you all finished?

Does anybody need Herbert
for anything else?

I wonder if any of you have
ever really needed Herbert,

just to sit down and talk to.

Well, I did.

He's really very...

...smart.

And very nice too.

He'd make a wonderful guy
for some girl...

...if she really needed him.

I think we should all be very ashamed
at having deceived him.

I'll admit it's nice to be needed,
really needed.

But to tell somebody you need them

just so they'll stay around
and run errands for you,

that's not so nice.

Gee, honey, I don't think anyone
really meant to be unkind.

I'm sure they didn't.

And I'm sorry I made it
sound that way.

Listening to your conversation...

...I just couldn't help thinking that...

...we're all a little guilty of deceiving
someone we care for...

...and, more importantly...

...who cares for us.

We know you're right, Fay, but, gee,
how do we keep from losing him?

You don't.

If he wants to go, let him go.

Did you ever stop to think that Herbert
is tired of being needed all the time?

I'll admit it's nice, but maybe
he'd really like to get out of here

and do a little something for himself.

Maybe he's tired of being
a handyman for a bunch of girls.

Let him go if he wants to.

Well, so long.

I'm not going out, like to shop.
It's just like...

For a long time.

Aloha.

And... thirty.

When the door slams, I'm... my
life is out of yours.

I'm lea... I'm packed to go out
and I'm leaving.

So long.

As I start out,
there's no stopping me now.

My feet are gonna really take me.

That's it.

Anybody...? Goodbye.

OK, well, all things have to come
to an end, and that's now, the end.

So long?

Farewell and...

You sore about something?

Herbert.

We really want you to stay.

We'd be the happiest girls in the world
if you'd never leave.

We didn't want to tell you
we needed you just to keep you here.

Actually, we need you very much.

But not just to run errands for us.

We need you because
you're a nice person.

And nice persons
are needed everywhere.

We just figured that...

...you were tired of working
with a bunch of girls, and that...

...maybe you'd like to go
someplace else,

where you can think
of yourself more.

Well, that's all very nice,
what you said, and...

And to tell you the truth,
and be very honest with you,

I don't really know
why I was leaving.

I mean, I like it here very much,
and I like everybody a lot.

And I like to be needed.

But honestly needed.

And, well, after what you just said...

...I wouldn't leave here
for anything or anyone.

Oh, Herbert.

It's Herby. H-E-R-B-Y.

Herby.

Yeah.

It's just Baby.

That little...

That small dog.

It's got a big throat, that's all.

Baby. Where are you, sweetheart?

Baby. Sweetheart.

Little Baby.

Ma.

Ma! You see that pussycat?