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??
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[SLURP]
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Guys, I'm sorry my parents
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were blasting Steely Dan so
loud during our sleepover.
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I've asked them a million
times to play something current
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00:00:13,655 --> 00:00:15,983
to cover the sounds
of their lovemaking...
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like Soulja Boy!
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God, they're embarrassing!
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It's okay, Barry.
Everyone's family can be embarrassing.
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00:00:23,574 --> 00:00:26,037
My mom still cuts my
sandwiches into hearts.
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I'm 15! My sandwiches should
be shaped like lightning bolts!
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Tell me about it.
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The other day,
I slipped in a puddle of lube
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my uncle Roger spilled
prepping for his orgy,
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and I slid into my
sister's three-foot bong.
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Then my parents ran in
dueling with these prop swords
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00:00:41,948 --> 00:00:44,743
from "Lord of the Rings"
my dad bought on eBay.
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My mom took a reckless
orc-style swing at my dad
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but sliced me instead!
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[CHUCKLES] I bled and bled.
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Steve, your family sounds
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chaotic, unstable... unhealthy.
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Hey, Steve. I'm stealin'
this to show porno at my orgy.
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Keep the homies horny.
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That's your uncle, right?
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Okay, so my family's
a little unconventional.
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But when it really matters,
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we're always there for each other.
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Be careful sharing this stuff.
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Someone could report
you to social services.
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Who'd report me? You guys?
My best friends?
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Or, you, really cool new kid?
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So cool. I know I can trust you.
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Cowabunga!
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I've been told a disturbing
story about your family
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from my undercover social services narc.
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Cowabunga!
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You? A narc?
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I'm sorry, but a social worker
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will need to make a home
visit to the Smith house.
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Social worker?!
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- Home visit?!
- Smith house?!
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Cowabunga!
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??
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? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
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? I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ?
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? The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ?
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? And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ?
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? Oh, boy, it's swell to say ?
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- ? Good... ?
- ? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
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Aah!
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? Good morning, U.S.A. ?
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??
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A social worker?! Could they take Steve
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if they see something dangerous
like swords lying around?
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Swords?
Oh, you mean my uruk-hai scimitars.
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These are investments!
You wouldn't believe
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how much "Lord of the Rings"
fans pay for this stuff.
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How much did you pay?
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An undisclosed amount.
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Here's my biggest investment yet...
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an extra-large one ring
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used on set to create
forced perspective.
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[DING!]
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Don't worry, Hayley.
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Remember the last time
a social worker came?
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When you were breastfeeding
Steve at his high school?
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We just call social services,
get Wendell again,
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and bribe his ass!
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Wendell was fired?!
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WOMAN: Yes, for taking bribes.
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Yuck! We hate bribes!
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Around here, bribes are a big taboo.
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[BELCHES]
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Hayley! Shh! Sorry about that.
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So if you could just send someone else
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easygoing, hates rules,
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- is...
- Very bribable?
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Bribable works!
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We'll waive the taboo just this once.
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Says here the social
worker visiting your home
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is Jack Hardass.
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- Gonna mute ya for a sec.
- [BEEP]
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- ALL: Jack Hardass?!
- [BEEP]
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We're assuming his name
is hilariously ironic
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because he's so nice and has a soft,
jiggly booty?
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Jack Hardass is just like his name.
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Mother [BLEEP]!
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They're gonna take my precious boy!
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[ALL SOBBING]
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Heard about the precious boy!
Got here as fast as I could!
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Stop. No one is taking me.
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Like I told Snot when he said our family
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was unstable, chaotic, unhealthy...
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That piece of shit.
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00:03:41,831 --> 00:03:43,428
When it really counts,
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the Smiths are always
there for each other.
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Snot is becoming a problem.
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One thing at a time.
But just so we remember...
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00:03:54,614 --> 00:03:55,944
??
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Jack Hardass is coming tomorrow.
We'll be ready.
102
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Social service's healthy
home checklist...
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a.k.a. Hardass's Bible.
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"A home free of dangerous items."
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Like these swords, Stan!
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00:04:09,593 --> 00:04:11,056
I've been talking to Buckle.
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00:04:11,057 --> 00:04:13,120
He's gonna buy the one
ring off me tonight.
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00:04:13,121 --> 00:04:15,051
I'll try to sell him the swords, too.
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"All content must be age-appropriate."
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So no sex stuff.
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00:04:19,579 --> 00:04:21,642
Don't worry. I'm postponing my orgy
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00:04:21,643 --> 00:04:23,505
and surrendering my sex drugs.
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Goodbye, horny-goat-weed-Viagra mix
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that can almost guarantee arousal.
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00:04:28,166 --> 00:04:31,361
So long,
remote for my wireless porno rig.
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Careful. I disabled the off-button,
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so once it's on,
it never stops playing porn.
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If you need me,
I'll be hiding in the walls.
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No personas tomorrow.
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00:04:39,285 --> 00:04:43,212
Mr. R, you'll be like Bruno
from Dis-a-ney's "Encanto"!
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00:04:43,213 --> 00:04:45,209
You're right! What if I made the house
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magically come to life
like in "Encanto"?
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Floorboards flappin'
and clappin' like castanets.
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Silent in the walls will be fine.
125
00:04:52,201 --> 00:04:54,263
Now, to make sure we impress Hardass,
126
00:04:54,264 --> 00:04:56,593
I compiled a CIA dossier on him.
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00:04:56,594 --> 00:04:58,457
Hardass has high-class tastes...
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00:04:58,458 --> 00:05:01,387
fancy food, fancy cats, fancy feast.
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00:05:01,388 --> 00:05:04,848
So we'll serve him the
fanciest dish of all time...
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beef Wellington.
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Hayley and I can try making
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00:05:07,979 --> 00:05:10,706
a practice Wellington tonight, Mr. S!
133
00:05:10,707 --> 00:05:12,637
And I'm adopting cats right now!
134
00:05:12,638 --> 00:05:15,634
But classy guys don't like
seeing anything weird,
135
00:05:15,635 --> 00:05:17,097
so no talking fish.
136
00:05:17,098 --> 00:05:18,695
Anything for Steve.
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00:05:18,696 --> 00:05:19,827
Hands in, everybody!
138
00:05:19,828 --> 00:05:21,891
For our precious boy!
139
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ALL: Whoo!
140
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:25,953
??
141
00:05:25,954 --> 00:05:28,948
Practice Wellington's looking good!
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Great! Now remember, Steve.
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00:05:30,613 --> 00:05:33,741
All you gotta do is smile, look happy.
144
00:05:33,742 --> 00:05:36,737
Mediocre. Think "Al Roker."
145
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Now give me "Joker"!
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That's a happy boy!
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I'm not willing to risk wrinkling
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00:05:42,930 --> 00:05:44,459
any of my slacks before tomorrow.
149
00:05:44,460 --> 00:05:46,856
But what's that circular lump?
150
00:05:46,857 --> 00:05:49,386
My one ring,
stored in the place made specifically
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00:05:49,387 --> 00:05:51,716
for a man's most valuable possessions...
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00:05:51,717 --> 00:05:54,246
the little front pocket of his undies.
153
00:05:54,247 --> 00:05:55,377
Where should Jeff and I sit?
154
00:05:55,378 --> 00:05:57,441
Nowhere. You'll be our butlers.
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- Okay!
- The hell you talkin' about?!
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00:05:59,107 --> 00:06:00,437
We need to project wealth.
157
00:06:00,438 --> 00:06:02,235
Same reason we built the dumbwaiter.
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00:06:02,236 --> 00:06:04,032
Also because of your burp
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00:06:04,033 --> 00:06:06,229
during the call with social services.
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00:06:06,230 --> 00:06:09,558
A.k.a. "Burpgate." It was too crude.
161
00:06:09,559 --> 00:06:13,019
So we hired actors
to play our new, classy,
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00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:15,616
hardbodied Jeff and Hayley!
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00:06:15,617 --> 00:06:17,880
What?! Why are we being singled out?!
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You're the one who got wild
servals instead of normal cats!
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[SERVALS GROWLING]
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They seemed fancier!
167
00:06:26,335 --> 00:06:29,596
Maybe I'll put out a casting
call for big-chinned dopes
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and pink-dressed idiots to replace you!
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[KNOCK ON DOOR]
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Who could that be?
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Hello. I'm Jack Hardass.
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ALL: Jack Hardass?!
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A night early?!
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00:06:41,848 --> 00:06:43,910
Stan, you said you wrote the date
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in your most important calendar!
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Most valuable calendar.
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00:06:47,306 --> 00:06:49,236
From the release of
"Fellowship of the Ring"!
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00:06:49,237 --> 00:06:52,498
That's from when the
movie came out in 2001!
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00:06:52,499 --> 00:06:53,762
The dates are all off!
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Uh, what do we do?!
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00:06:55,095 --> 00:06:57,225
We'll just have to
impress Hardass tonight!
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00:06:57,226 --> 00:06:59,089
Do you think he noticed
I wasn't wearing pants?
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00:06:59,090 --> 00:07:00,620
- Yes. - Oh, yeah.
- Hundred percent.
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00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:03,289
Hm. Well,
then I didn't shave for nothing.
185
00:07:05,424 --> 00:07:07,877
The social worker's here!
We're not ready!
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00:07:07,878 --> 00:07:09,207
And it's all your fault, Stan!
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00:07:09,208 --> 00:07:11,005
Who writes down an important date
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in a calendar from 2001?!
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A lot of people in 2001 did!
190
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[SERVALS GRUNTING]
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00:07:16,732 --> 00:07:19,062
Steve's a goner because of you two!
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You deserve to be the stupid...
193
00:07:21,192 --> 00:07:23,655
- buttlers!
- [BOTH GASP]
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I'mma drop you like a bad hobbit!
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00:07:25,519 --> 00:07:26,850
- Come on!
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
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You said you could do this... for me...
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00:07:29,448 --> 00:07:30,845
and I believe in you!
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00:07:30,846 --> 00:07:33,108
Let's be there for each other, Smiths!
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00:07:33,109 --> 00:07:34,906
- I'll hide the swords!
- I'll hide the servals!
200
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I got the sex drugs!
201
00:07:36,638 --> 00:07:38,101
[FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
202
00:07:38,102 --> 00:07:43,627
??
203
00:07:43,628 --> 00:07:45,425
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- STAN: Butler Hayley, get the door!
204
00:07:45,426 --> 00:07:48,687
FRANCINE: A final touch of class...
the Roomba!
205
00:07:48,688 --> 00:07:51,355
Remember, Steve, just keep smiling.
206
00:07:52,815 --> 00:07:54,612
[DEEP VOICE] You rang?
207
00:07:54,613 --> 00:07:56,342
I knocked.
208
00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:58,008
For 10 minutes.
209
00:07:58,009 --> 00:07:59,338
Sorry. I couldn't find my pants.
210
00:07:59,339 --> 00:08:00,936
But you probably didn't even notice.
211
00:08:00,937 --> 00:08:04,065
I noticed. And made a note.
212
00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:05,996
Um, let's meet the family.
213
00:08:05,997 --> 00:08:08,060
My beautiful wife, Francine.
214
00:08:08,061 --> 00:08:10,057
My burp-free daughter, Hayley.
215
00:08:10,058 --> 00:08:12,188
Her husband, Jeff, who is very stupid.
216
00:08:12,189 --> 00:08:14,717
These are our butlers,
who should go serve
217
00:08:14,718 --> 00:08:17,446
the practice Wellingtons.
218
00:08:17,447 --> 00:08:18,911
Dinner is almost ready.
219
00:08:18,912 --> 00:08:20,976
We're having beef Wellington, as usual.
220
00:08:20,977 --> 00:08:23,710
Why a "practice" Wellington?
221
00:08:24,371 --> 00:08:27,832
Because practice Wellington
makes perfect Wellington!
222
00:08:27,833 --> 00:08:29,696
This is the famous Steve.
223
00:08:29,697 --> 00:08:32,559
May I take your coat, Mr. Hardass?
224
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:36,154
ROGER: Go, go,
"Encanto" magic coat hook!
225
00:08:36,155 --> 00:08:37,818
Shh!
226
00:08:37,819 --> 00:08:39,682
- [CLATTERING]
- [SERVALS SNARLING]
227
00:08:39,683 --> 00:08:41,014
So we're not bothered
228
00:08:41,015 --> 00:08:42,678
by the hustle and bustle in the kitchen.
229
00:08:42,679 --> 00:08:43,676
Care for a drink?
230
00:08:43,677 --> 00:08:45,608
Iced tea, please.
231
00:08:45,609 --> 00:08:48,943
A wonnnnderful choice, Mr. Hardass!
232
00:08:49,803 --> 00:08:51,865
They ate the practice Wellingtons!
233
00:08:51,866 --> 00:08:53,333
Make new ones!
234
00:08:53,334 --> 00:08:56,326
[SOFTLY] Get the servals
out of there now.
235
00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:58,124
[NORMAL VOICE] You, go help with dinner.
236
00:08:58,125 --> 00:09:00,187
Please, Mr. Hardass, take a seat.
237
00:09:00,188 --> 00:09:01,651
Dinner won't be for a while.
238
00:09:01,652 --> 00:09:04,714
You said it was "almost ready."
239
00:09:04,715 --> 00:09:07,776
H-He said it was all moist and ruddy,
240
00:09:07,777 --> 00:09:09,840
which is how he refers to raw meat.
241
00:09:09,841 --> 00:09:11,642
[DOORBELL RINGS]
242
00:09:12,836 --> 00:09:13,886
[STAN GASPS]
243
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:16,031
Just some roaming degenerates.
244
00:09:16,032 --> 00:09:17,962
Not around my precious boy!
245
00:09:17,963 --> 00:09:20,226
Now, excuse me.
I'm gonna get some fresh air.
246
00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:21,424
And my iced tea?
247
00:09:21,425 --> 00:09:24,353
Did I say "fresh air"?
I meant "fresh mint."
248
00:09:24,354 --> 00:09:25,487
For your iced tea!
249
00:09:25,488 --> 00:09:28,414
We're here for Hayley
Smith's casting call
250
00:09:28,415 --> 00:09:30,611
for big-chinned dopes
and pink-dressed idiots.
251
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,408
What?! Well, you have to leave!
252
00:09:32,409 --> 00:09:33,874
Not until we get an audition!
253
00:09:33,875 --> 00:09:36,003
We're desperate local actors!
254
00:09:36,004 --> 00:09:37,001
[GULP!]
255
00:09:37,002 --> 00:09:40,238
Steve, do you ever feel... unsafe?
256
00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:42,794
KLAUS: Schwing! Oh!
257
00:09:42,795 --> 00:09:45,390
Did your fish just say "schwing"?
258
00:09:45,391 --> 00:09:46,922
- Mnh.
- [SERVALS GROWLING]
259
00:09:46,923 --> 00:09:47,920
Aah!
260
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:50,383
Let's watch some educational TV!
261
00:09:50,384 --> 00:09:53,180
- MAN: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!
- WOMAN: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
262
00:09:53,181 --> 00:09:57,507
I can hear something,
but I'm not seeing the picture.
263
00:09:57,508 --> 00:09:59,308
WOMAN: Oh, yeah!
264
00:10:00,038 --> 00:10:02,500
I'll check on that iced tea!
265
00:10:02,501 --> 00:10:03,764
[ FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
266
00:10:03,765 --> 00:10:05,429
It won't turn off!
267
00:10:05,430 --> 00:10:07,093
This'll muffle it.
268
00:10:07,094 --> 00:10:08,293
We made new Wellingtons
269
00:10:08,294 --> 00:10:11,155
with Graham Crackers,
flour, and hamburger meat.
270
00:10:11,156 --> 00:10:12,552
Iced tea's ready!
271
00:10:12,553 --> 00:10:14,484
You almost screwed us
hiring those actors, Hayley!
272
00:10:14,485 --> 00:10:16,680
Luckily, I thought of hiding them
in the basement.
273
00:10:16,681 --> 00:10:18,678
I hid the servals in the basement!
274
00:10:18,679 --> 00:10:20,609
- [SERVALS GROWLING]
- [MAN SCREAMS]
275
00:10:20,610 --> 00:10:22,406
They're only local actors.
276
00:10:22,407 --> 00:10:24,203
If we're all in here...
277
00:10:24,204 --> 00:10:25,934
then who's with Hardass?
278
00:10:25,935 --> 00:10:29,196
? On the good ship Rogupop ?
279
00:10:29,197 --> 00:10:30,461
? It's a sweet... ?
280
00:10:30,462 --> 00:10:31,793
Rogu, shoo!
281
00:10:31,794 --> 00:10:34,190
I'm afraid I have no
explanation for that.
282
00:10:34,191 --> 00:10:35,388
But I do have your tea.
283
00:10:35,389 --> 00:10:37,452
I'm not seeing the fresh mint.
284
00:10:37,453 --> 00:10:39,982
Aah! Mint! The man wants mint!
285
00:10:39,983 --> 00:10:41,046
FRANCINE: On it!
286
00:10:41,047 --> 00:10:44,508
Oh, God! Hardass is gonna take me away!
287
00:10:44,509 --> 00:10:46,705
The only thing Hardass is taking away
288
00:10:46,706 --> 00:10:49,700
is the takeaway that we
make great Wellington!
289
00:10:49,701 --> 00:10:51,632
Mmm! Now bring it upstairs
290
00:10:51,633 --> 00:10:54,162
so it can come down the dumbwaiter.
291
00:10:54,163 --> 00:10:56,897
Nice save. Where'd you get the mint?
292
00:10:56,898 --> 00:10:59,287
[BREATHLESSLY] From
the edge of the woods.
293
00:10:59,288 --> 00:11:00,353
Edge of the woods?
294
00:11:00,354 --> 00:11:02,488
That's not mint! It's poison ivy!
295
00:11:03,150 --> 00:11:04,679
Dinner's ready!
296
00:11:04,680 --> 00:11:07,609
Some water for you, Mr. Ass.
297
00:11:07,610 --> 00:11:10,073
Good news... the servals are upstairs.
298
00:11:10,074 --> 00:11:13,135
Bad news... the actors in the
basement are begging for food.
299
00:11:13,136 --> 00:11:14,799
I've heard you have
300
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,661
"Lord of the Rings"
weapons in the house?
301
00:11:17,662 --> 00:11:20,258
Hmm. Doesn't ring a bell.
302
00:11:20,259 --> 00:11:22,123
Sounds like a good investment, though.
303
00:11:22,124 --> 00:11:23,454
I'm sorry.
304
00:11:23,455 --> 00:11:25,318
Weapons from "Lord of the Rings"
305
00:11:25,319 --> 00:11:27,915
are... a good investment?
306
00:11:27,916 --> 00:11:30,512
Yeah, people will pay a
fortune for movie props.
307
00:11:30,513 --> 00:11:31,642
I know I did... would.
308
00:11:31,643 --> 00:11:33,440
What Stans means is...
309
00:11:33,441 --> 00:11:36,103
"Lord of the Rings"
talk is forbidden here.
310
00:11:36,104 --> 00:11:39,565
Or as the great forest
elves of Mirkwood say...
311
00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:41,696
"Avanwa..." Unh! Mnh!
312
00:11:41,697 --> 00:11:43,826
Mr. Smith, are you crying?
313
00:11:43,827 --> 00:11:46,621
I just love my boy so much.
314
00:11:46,622 --> 00:11:47,889
[DOORBELL RINGS]
315
00:11:49,552 --> 00:11:51,614
I'm here to buy the ring!
316
00:11:51,615 --> 00:11:53,412
"Lord of the Rings" is forbidden!
Go away!
317
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:55,676
I'm back as if nothing happened.
318
00:11:55,677 --> 00:11:58,604
Stan, I was just insisting
319
00:11:58,605 --> 00:12:01,801
we show Mr. Hardass
Steve's college fund.
320
00:12:01,802 --> 00:12:06,261
It's so full, the boys at
Schwab say it's a modern marvel.
321
00:12:06,262 --> 00:12:07,460
Gah!
322
00:12:07,461 --> 00:12:10,123
Oh, no! The Roomba's stuck!
323
00:12:10,124 --> 00:12:13,184
He can't see the college fund.
I used it to buy the one ring.
324
00:12:13,185 --> 00:12:15,448
HARDASS: Is everything okay down there?
325
00:12:15,449 --> 00:12:16,713
Just sell the ring to Buckle
326
00:12:16,714 --> 00:12:19,310
and get that money back in the
account so we can show him.
327
00:12:19,311 --> 00:12:20,574
I sent Buckle away!
328
00:12:20,575 --> 00:12:21,842
Unsend him away!
329
00:12:23,547 --> 00:12:26,234
Stupid thing got stuck on a crumb. Heh.
330
00:12:26,235 --> 00:12:28,431
Gotta go call the manufacturer.
331
00:12:28,432 --> 00:12:32,491
Can I ask you about
that small gray person?
332
00:12:32,492 --> 00:12:35,487
I'm afraid I have no
explanation for that.
333
00:12:35,488 --> 00:12:36,951
Sorry I yelled at you.
334
00:12:36,952 --> 00:12:39,282
I got possessed by greed,
much like Smeagol.
335
00:12:39,283 --> 00:12:41,279
The ring is that legit!
336
00:12:41,280 --> 00:12:43,010
Send in the Wellington!
337
00:12:43,011 --> 00:12:44,811
[WHIRRING]
338
00:12:45,422 --> 00:12:49,068
I need to see you in
the kitchen right now.
339
00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:50,532
Mrs. Smith, your glass.
340
00:12:50,533 --> 00:12:52,663
Oh! What are you doing?!
341
00:12:52,664 --> 00:12:55,126
Please excuse me. I need to go, uh...
342
00:12:55,127 --> 00:12:58,255
Let's see. Something normal.
Something normal.
343
00:12:58,256 --> 00:12:59,986
Spank my lady butler!
344
00:12:59,987 --> 00:13:01,385
KLAUS: Schwing!
345
00:13:01,386 --> 00:13:02,718
There it is again!
346
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:06,310
- We can't serve the beef Wellington!
- Why not?
347
00:13:06,311 --> 00:13:08,774
Jeff used this instead of flour.
348
00:13:08,775 --> 00:13:11,237
It's chaos out there! What is going on?!
349
00:13:11,238 --> 00:13:14,632
The beef Wellington is filled
with Roger's sex drugs!
350
00:13:14,633 --> 00:13:16,829
- Oh, my God.
- [ FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
351
00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,561
The Roomba got stuck under it!
352
00:13:18,562 --> 00:13:19,958
Where the hell is Dad?!
353
00:13:19,959 --> 00:13:23,819
[GASPS] Mr. S ate so
much sex Wellington!
354
00:13:23,820 --> 00:13:26,815
Since we both bank with Schwab,
you can instantly transfer
355
00:13:26,816 --> 00:13:28,613
the $25,000 to my account.
356
00:13:28,614 --> 00:13:31,409
But first I need to see the ring!
357
00:13:31,410 --> 00:13:32,940
One sec. Let me retrieve it.
358
00:13:32,941 --> 00:13:35,142
- [ZIPPER SLIDES]
- FRANCINE: Stan!
359
00:13:36,070 --> 00:13:39,264
All the beef Wellington you
ate was dosed with Viagra!
360
00:13:39,265 --> 00:13:42,660
Not ideal, but we should be okay
as long as nothing arouses me.
361
00:13:42,661 --> 00:13:45,855
WOMAN: Ohh! All over my glasses!
362
00:13:45,856 --> 00:13:50,117
Ohh... ohh... ohh. Ohh-ohh.
363
00:13:50,118 --> 00:13:51,515
Ow! Ugh! [SOBBING]
364
00:13:51,516 --> 00:13:53,113
Big bone. So what?
365
00:13:53,114 --> 00:13:55,242
During the engorgement, the one ring
366
00:13:55,243 --> 00:13:57,906
slid out of its pocket and got stuck...
367
00:13:57,907 --> 00:13:59,437
on my eye of Sauron!
368
00:13:59,438 --> 00:14:02,899
So, uh, how long
have you two known each other?
369
00:14:02,900 --> 00:14:04,098
We just met today.
370
00:14:04,099 --> 00:14:05,762
That's a fast marriage.
371
00:14:05,763 --> 00:14:09,023
Oh, my God.
[GASPS] This Wellington is orgasmic!
372
00:14:09,024 --> 00:14:11,154
Mmm! Mmm!
373
00:14:11,155 --> 00:14:12,788
[ACTOR HAYLEY GIGGLES]
374
00:14:15,749 --> 00:14:17,215
ALL: Food!
375
00:14:21,936 --> 00:14:25,608
Bad Butler!
We'll clean you up in the bathroom.
376
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:29,462
ROGER:
A little "Encanto" will save the day.
377
00:14:29,463 --> 00:14:32,125
Go, go, "Encanto" magic toilet!
378
00:14:32,126 --> 00:14:34,588
[GRUNTING]
379
00:14:34,589 --> 00:14:35,655
Oh, God! Oh, God!
380
00:14:36,547 --> 00:14:38,716
Mrs. S, the actors in the basement
381
00:14:38,717 --> 00:14:40,447
are horny from the Wellington
382
00:14:40,448 --> 00:14:42,843
and they're climbing up the
dumbwaiter to your bedroom!
383
00:14:42,844 --> 00:14:43,943
I'm busy!
384
00:14:44,642 --> 00:14:47,038
The bathroom is just in here.
385
00:14:47,039 --> 00:14:48,967
[ROGER SCREAMING]
386
00:14:48,968 --> 00:14:51,830
I can show you the ring,
but it has to be in private.
387
00:14:51,831 --> 00:14:53,494
[SERVALS GROWL]
388
00:14:53,495 --> 00:14:56,157
- Not in there. In here.
- [SERVALS SNARL]
389
00:14:56,158 --> 00:14:57,958
[BOTH MOANING]
390
00:14:58,423 --> 00:15:00,190
My daughter's having sex in there.
391
00:15:02,483 --> 00:15:04,214
I'm having sex in there!
392
00:15:04,215 --> 00:15:06,277
Screw this! I'm leaving!
393
00:15:06,278 --> 00:15:08,075
Wait! I can show you in here!
394
00:15:08,076 --> 00:15:10,138
Don't worry about the bathroom.
395
00:15:10,139 --> 00:15:12,335
Because I've seen enough.
396
00:15:12,336 --> 00:15:14,399
Please don't take Steve away!
397
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:15,930
[WOMAN MOANING]
398
00:15:15,931 --> 00:15:17,528
[LAUGHS] Take Steve?
399
00:15:17,529 --> 00:15:21,056
It's not against the law
to have a dinner go badly.
400
00:15:21,057 --> 00:15:23,253
What I really care about is the boy.
401
00:15:23,254 --> 00:15:25,855
And he was smiling all night.
402
00:15:26,983 --> 00:15:30,843
What's healthier than smiling
all the time no matter what?
403
00:15:30,844 --> 00:15:32,574
Now I must be going.
404
00:15:32,575 --> 00:15:34,504
It's elven tradition to view the ring
405
00:15:34,505 --> 00:15:36,472
only through this hole I made.
406
00:15:39,288 --> 00:15:40,429
I believe I see
407
00:15:40,430 --> 00:15:43,891
one of Peter Jackson's
curly beard hairs!
408
00:15:43,892 --> 00:15:45,356
- Not included.
- [DING!]
409
00:15:45,357 --> 00:15:47,257
HARDASS: Good night, Mr. Smith.
410
00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:52,746
We did it, everybody!
411
00:15:52,747 --> 00:15:54,875
[FAMILY CHEERING]
412
00:15:54,876 --> 00:15:56,141
Sorry. Forgot my...
413
00:15:56,142 --> 00:15:58,204
- [SERVALS SNARL]
- ...coat.
414
00:15:58,205 --> 00:16:00,468
ROGER:
Something's wrong with your toilet!
415
00:16:00,469 --> 00:16:05,195
MAN: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah! Ohh!
416
00:16:05,196 --> 00:16:07,458
Wild cats.
417
00:16:07,459 --> 00:16:10,594
Pornos. Toilet man.
418
00:16:12,452 --> 00:16:15,248
A high-end... penis dealer?
419
00:16:15,249 --> 00:16:16,913
It's not what it looks like!
420
00:16:16,914 --> 00:16:20,040
And a talking fish.
421
00:16:20,041 --> 00:16:21,972
I've changed my assessment.
422
00:16:21,973 --> 00:16:24,102
I'm taking the boy.
423
00:16:24,103 --> 00:16:25,567
- No!
- Please!
424
00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:26,899
- We can do better!
- We'll get rid of the fish!
425
00:16:26,900 --> 00:16:28,563
You know what? I'm ready to go.
426
00:16:28,564 --> 00:16:31,892
All we had to do was get our
act together for one night.
427
00:16:31,893 --> 00:16:33,955
You know who does have
their act together?
428
00:16:33,956 --> 00:16:35,687
The foster-care system!
429
00:16:35,688 --> 00:16:37,387
Let's go, Hardass.
430
00:16:41,412 --> 00:16:44,147
Great. Now I've lost two things.
431
00:16:46,805 --> 00:16:48,235
??
432
00:16:48,236 --> 00:16:49,966
[STAN AND FRANCINE SOBBING]
433
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:52,829
I can't believe Steve is gone!
434
00:16:52,830 --> 00:16:54,130
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
435
00:16:55,892 --> 00:16:57,888
Hi. I'm Jack Hardass.
436
00:16:57,889 --> 00:16:59,886
- [SERVALS YOWL]
- ALL: Jack Hardass?!
437
00:16:59,887 --> 00:17:02,415
This guy had an official lanyard.
438
00:17:02,416 --> 00:17:04,146
He's the real Hardass.
439
00:17:04,147 --> 00:17:06,210
Then who's that guy who took Steve?!
440
00:17:06,211 --> 00:17:09,339
A kidnapper!
And a financially savvy one at that.
441
00:17:09,340 --> 00:17:11,669
He wants to exchange the boy for this.
442
00:17:11,670 --> 00:17:14,931
- We have to go save him!
- But we can't let real Hardass know
443
00:17:14,932 --> 00:17:17,062
we gave our son to a kidnapper!
444
00:17:17,063 --> 00:17:18,696
I have an idea.
445
00:17:19,592 --> 00:17:22,387
Hello! I'm Stan... line?
446
00:17:22,388 --> 00:17:23,785
- FRANCINE: Smith!
- Smith!
447
00:17:23,786 --> 00:17:25,383
Come in!
448
00:17:25,384 --> 00:17:28,046
[TIRES SQUEAL]
449
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:29,644
Did someone just steal your car?
450
00:17:29,645 --> 00:17:32,907
As long as they don't
steal my precious boy!
451
00:17:32,908 --> 00:17:35,642
I like your attitude, Mr. Smith.
452
00:17:36,368 --> 00:17:38,897
- Where are we doing the exchange?
- We're not.
453
00:17:38,898 --> 00:17:41,760
Steve would never want us
to sacrifice the one ring.
454
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:44,290
So I traced the texts to
the kidnapper's hideout.
455
00:17:44,291 --> 00:17:46,221
We'll steal Steve back.
456
00:17:46,222 --> 00:17:48,018
I just don't get who would do this.
457
00:17:48,019 --> 00:17:50,815
Who would want that ring this badly?
458
00:17:50,816 --> 00:17:52,812
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]
459
00:17:52,813 --> 00:17:58,536
??
460
00:17:58,537 --> 00:18:00,801
STAN: Dear God! It's Elijah Wood!
461
00:18:00,802 --> 00:18:02,465
FRANCINE: There's Sean Astin!
462
00:18:02,466 --> 00:18:04,233
HAYLEY: Dominic Monaghan!
463
00:18:05,196 --> 00:18:08,391
JEFF: Jack Hardass is Billy Boyd!
464
00:18:08,392 --> 00:18:10,521
The hobbits from "Lord of the Rings"
465
00:18:10,522 --> 00:18:11,852
kidnapped Steve?!
466
00:18:11,853 --> 00:18:14,183
Pernicious Boyd has my precious boy,
467
00:18:14,184 --> 00:18:16,312
and he wants my precious! Oy!
468
00:18:16,313 --> 00:18:17,977
Here's the plan. I sneak in...
469
00:18:17,978 --> 00:18:19,774
Can't I sneak in this time?
470
00:18:19,775 --> 00:18:21,772
You made Hayley and I be the butlers.
471
00:18:21,773 --> 00:18:23,436
We should sneak in.
472
00:18:23,437 --> 00:18:24,701
I sneak in.
473
00:18:24,702 --> 00:18:25,766
- I sneak in.
- We sneak in.
474
00:18:25,767 --> 00:18:29,561
[ALL GRUNTING]
475
00:18:29,562 --> 00:18:30,826
Aah!
476
00:18:30,827 --> 00:18:33,555
Oh, no! Steve was right.
477
00:18:33,556 --> 00:18:37,682
Even when we try to come together,
it's utter chaos!
478
00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:39,014
But maybe we could...
479
00:18:39,015 --> 00:18:41,744
use that chaos to our advantage?
480
00:18:41,745 --> 00:18:43,474
[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
481
00:18:43,475 --> 00:18:45,604
Why didn't you just steal the ring?
482
00:18:45,605 --> 00:18:47,935
BILLY BOYD:
I was so shocked it was on his penis,
483
00:18:47,936 --> 00:18:49,932
I panicked and stole his kid!
484
00:18:49,933 --> 00:18:51,929
This is a bad idea.
485
00:18:51,930 --> 00:18:53,260
You know the rules!
486
00:18:53,261 --> 00:18:56,463
On the set of "Fellowship,"
we swore an oath.
487
00:18:56,464 --> 00:19:00,850
ALL: To always support each
other's passion projects
488
00:19:00,851 --> 00:19:02,315
no matter what.
489
00:19:02,316 --> 00:19:05,643
And I need this ring so I can
sell it and use the profits
490
00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:09,638
to fund my new tequila brand...
Casa Smeagol's.
491
00:19:09,639 --> 00:19:10,669
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
492
00:19:10,670 --> 00:19:14,964
??
493
00:19:14,965 --> 00:19:18,493
Hey! Ol' Petey sent us beef Wellingtons!
494
00:19:18,494 --> 00:19:19,624
I'm starved!
495
00:19:19,625 --> 00:19:22,687
That family kept slapping
food out of my hands.
496
00:19:22,688 --> 00:19:26,423
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! [GIGGLES]
497
00:19:29,458 --> 00:19:32,274
MAN: Ooh, yeah! Ooh, yeah!
498
00:19:32,275 --> 00:19:33,938
Ohh! Ohh!
499
00:19:33,939 --> 00:19:36,334
[ALL GROANING]
500
00:19:36,335 --> 00:19:37,666
Oh, yeah!
501
00:19:37,667 --> 00:19:39,800
We're all getting erections!
502
00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:43,458
Who knew when I got these for stargazing
503
00:19:43,459 --> 00:19:47,518
I'd be gazing at star
Billy Boyd's boner?!
504
00:19:47,519 --> 00:19:49,450
[ALL GROANING]
505
00:19:49,451 --> 00:19:52,712
ROGER: I'm done joking.
Someone help me out of this thing!
506
00:19:52,713 --> 00:19:54,044
[SERVALS SNARLING]
507
00:19:54,045 --> 00:19:56,772
[HOBBITS SCREAMING]
508
00:19:56,773 --> 00:19:58,106
[GASPS]
509
00:19:59,837 --> 00:20:01,765
Steve, you were right.
510
00:20:01,766 --> 00:20:04,295
We're so sorry about how we acted.
511
00:20:04,296 --> 00:20:05,827
STEVE: [MUFFLED] That's okay, guys!
512
00:20:05,828 --> 00:20:07,757
And I'm sorry I emptied
your college fund
513
00:20:07,758 --> 00:20:09,154
to buy the one ring.
514
00:20:09,155 --> 00:20:11,618
- You did what?!
- [ VIDEO CALL RINGING]
515
00:20:11,619 --> 00:20:13,083
He's demanding to see Steve.
516
00:20:13,084 --> 00:20:14,281
He's heading up to his bedroom.
517
00:20:14,282 --> 00:20:16,678
Stall him. Just say something stupid...
518
00:20:16,679 --> 00:20:18,409
like you've realized
family's everything.
519
00:20:18,410 --> 00:20:21,271
I learned to appreciate my family!
520
00:20:21,272 --> 00:20:24,007
Oh, Mr. Smith, that's wonderful.
521
00:20:25,866 --> 00:20:27,463
[TIRES SCREECH]
522
00:20:27,464 --> 00:20:31,634
??
523
00:20:31,635 --> 00:20:34,719
STEVE: Just finishing up my homework
524
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:38,182
on the history of burlap sacks.
525
00:20:38,183 --> 00:20:42,052
From fish to sticks,
they truly held it all.
526
00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:45,176
Precious as advertised.
527
00:20:46,837 --> 00:20:49,566
What a perfect family! Good night!
528
00:20:49,567 --> 00:20:52,762
??
529
00:20:52,763 --> 00:20:56,489
My precious family.
530
00:20:56,490 --> 00:20:58,124
Bye! Have a great time!
531
00:20:58,174 --> 00:21:02,724
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