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♪ ♪

(muffled clamoring)

NARRATOR:
Treasure.

♪ ♪

Why is it always
so goddamn hard to find?

This is the story of
the treasure of Foggy Mountain,

the priceless golden bust
of Marie Antoinette.

It was stolen from Versailles

by French naval explorer
Jean Pierre Le Roche.

He fled to America and hid it
deep within the mountain.

In his final days,
he built a map,

a key leading to
this legendary treasure.

It was his dream
that the bravest,

most feared adventurers
in the world

would find it
and solve its puzzle.

(all yelling excitedly)

That is not what happened.

- ♪ Dance ♪
- ♪ Under the spotlight ♪

♪ Neither Black nor white ♪

♪ It doesn't matter ♪

♪ Do the dance, do the dance ♪

♪ The way you move
is a mystery ♪

(exhales sharply)

♪ Do the dance ♪

♪ You're always there
for music and me... ♪

Morning, my boys.

Morning, brother.

Breakfast time.
You know I'm on the eggs.

Heads up, Chef J.

(song stops)

(all groaning)

Guess we're just having...
leftover pad Thai!

- Let's go! -Oh!
- (song resumes)

♪ You're always there
for music and me... ♪

Time to go to work.

- Let's do it.
- Whoo!

- (backfire, engine sputtering)
- (song stops)

- Dude.
- Oh, what happened?

- The Sube's busted.
- Come on, man.

Dang it.

(song resumes):
♪ Do the D-A-N-C-E ♪

♪ One, two,
three, four, fight ♪

♪ Stick to the B-E-A-T,
get ready to ignite ♪

♪ Do the dance ♪

♪ Under the spotlight ♪

- ♪ Neither Black nor white... ♪
- (song stops)

Pussies. -The fuck
did you just say to us?

You heard me, Slender Man.

Buy us some beer,
or we'll beat your ass.

- (scoffs) Wow.
- (laughing)

All right, bro-bro.

You asked for it.

- Thanks, boys.
- (song resumes)

♪ Do the dance, do the dance ♪

♪ Stick to the B-E-A-T ♪

♪ Do the dance, do the dance ♪

♪ You were such a P.Y.T... ♪

Martin, Martin, Martin, Martin,

Martin, Martin, Martin,
Martin, Martin!

- (Martin yells, grunts)
- (song stops)

- Oh!
- Oh, my God!

Mart?

Your boy's okay.

- Let's go!
- (song resumes)

♪ Whatever happens ♪

- ♪ Do the dance, do the... ♪
- (song stops)

Where the fuck were you?

You're three hours late!

Dad, you don't understand.

The Subes was busted,
so we had to shred.

You had to shred?

Wait a minute.
Why are your lips red?

Were you eating a snow cone?

That was a really good guess.

The police are here,
and they're saying

that you bought alcohol
for minors.

- BEN: Oh, no.
- JOHN and MARTIN: Oh.

Yeah, that's a crime.

In Europe,
the drinking age is like ten.

They could have been European.

What made you think
they were European?

They had a certain
je ne sais quoi. -JOHN: Yeah.

I think one of them was eating
pain au chocolat.

Ben, I'm gonna retire soon.

I'm not always gonna be here
to babysit you.

What? You know what, no.

Can I stop this for a second?

If you ever, ever...

Johnny. -...talk to
my friends like that...

- John!
- Yeah.

Be someplace else right now,
or I'll kill you.

Got it. See you, brother.

Uh, so I don't mean to be rude,
but, like,

lunch is usually now,
so could we...

I'll go. Thank you, sir.

Skates are cool, though, right?

Goddamn it,
would you stand still!

Would it kill you to be
just a little more like Dylan?

I mean, look at that.

(chuckling):
God, the guy's a rock star.

A rock star? He's, like, the
most normal guy in the world.

FARLEY:
He's the best.

BEN: He looks like
he's in the eighth grade.

- (sneezes)
- FARLEY: He's so cool.

Try to pick up
on what Dylan has.

Yeah.

I love you.

Yeah. Love you, too.

Did you just look around
to see if anyone was...

- Did not.
- You did. I just saw...

- You went both shoulders.
- Never did.

- Get to work, okay?
- All right.

- Good talk.
- Cool.

Okay, let's... less touching.

- And take off the skates!
- See you. Sorry.

What a morning, man.
That was amazing.

- I feel like Apollo Ohno.
- What are you talking about?

- We just got chewed out.
- Whatever.

Sometimes it does
feel like we're getting

- a little too old for this.
- That's what I'm saying, man.

We're in our 20s, you guys.

This is our time to have fun,
hang out with our friends.

We're 26, man. We're not 21.

- There's a big difference.
- Oh, my God.

Next thing I know,
you're gonna, like,

go to bed at 10:00 p.m.
and, like, pay your taxes.

- Do you not pay taxes?
- What are you talking about?

You don't have to pay taxes

- under a certain bracket.
- Yeah, you do.

- Yes, you do. -No, you don't.
- We have to pay... You sh...

- We all have to pay.
- You're gonna get audited.

I dare the IRS to come
to my house. -They will.

- They'll audit you.
- They will audit you.

- What are you talking about?
- Kick their ass.

FARLEY:
Hey! What are you doing?

Turtles can't eat bread!

- Fuck.
- Scoop the bread out.

You go for the turtles.
I'll get the bread.

- Just take the bread out.
- Help.

We don't need to take
the turtles out.

♪ ♪

(air rushing)

Yo, Mart.

You Christian now?

Oh, yeah.
Well, my girlfriend is.

We're really in love.

Whenever I'm around her,
I'm like,

"I don't know what I'd do
if you left me."

I'm sorry,
the wind is a little loud.

Can you say that again?

I'm just so scared
she's gonna leave me.

So the sex is good?

It's great. She always just
lets me lie there.

I'm going deep. I'm going
deep. -Go long. Go long.

I'm going deep. Hey!

What are you guys doing?

Geez, really?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, goodness.

(laughs)
It's on me. Just take it.

DYLAN:
No, I couldn't.

Hey, John?

Will you help us reach this?

Oh, um, maybe just ask him
to jump.

This is a three-in-one
North American birdcall.

Just give it a nice blow
in the...

in the hole here,
and it's, uh...

(loud, shrill honk)

- Oh!
- What?

That wasn't right.

I stay still!

Oh, so you're completely still?

I get hard. She slips it in.

End of my job.

Oh, so you're kind of
pumping it from below?

No, I ain't moving a muscle, sister.

She barely has to touch me,
and I make a huge mess.

Let me try one more time.
Yeah, no worries. -Sure.

- (loud, shrill honk)
- (shoppers gasping, groaning)

- MAN: You suck, Ben.
- WOMAN: Wow.

Relax, Mike.

BEN:
Night, y'all. Good day's work.

- Shut up. -WOMAN: No.
- Let's get it again tomorrow.

Keep working hard. All right.

Are y'all ready?

I brought the Trulys.

I'm sorry, dude.

I got a big meeting
with my dad.

But it's Fly Day Friday.
We do this every week.

We get trashed and fly
in the wingsuit machine.

I know. I'm sorry.

It's just, I'm doing
a big presentation for him

- on why I should run the store.
- Okay. Mart?

I would, but Amy and I
got to get ready

for the big day tomorrow.

- The adult baptism.
- MARTIN: Yes.

Getting wet with
the good Lord's water.

- Okay.
- It's just a little weird

- to get baptized as an adult.
- Thank you.

Unless you're, like, getting
out of jail or getting sober.

All right, well,
more Trulys for me.

Don't drink all of them.

- Okay, I won't. I will.
- Hell yeah.

- Peace, dudes.
- Have a good night.

- See you, man.
- I'll see you at home.

Later.

♪ ♪

NARRATOR:
John was in pain.

And not just because
he was seven Trulys deep,

wing-suiting by himself
on a Friday night.

The real source of John's pain
went all the way back

to the 2007 Pinewood
middle school talent show.

("Crank That (Soulja Boy)" by
Soulja Boy Tell'em playing)

(cheering and applause)

It was fifth grade, before John
even knew Ben and Martin.

I love you, Johnny Flames!

NARRATOR: He was nice with the
magic tricks, and he knew it.

His big closer was
the Purple Flame Quick Change.

Ooh!

NARRATOR:
He just had to

- jump through fire...
- (gasps)

...change behind a mirror
and reappear in a new outfit.

(cheering)

The only problem was...

His penis is out!

♪ ♪

- (screaming)
- NARRATOR: Yes.

The whole school
saw John's penis,

and that was the worst thing

- that had ever happened to him.
- Stop!

NARRATOR:
Until five seconds later.

Now it's on fire!

(screaming)

(audience screaming)

NARRATOR:
And that was the worst thing

that had ever happened to him.

Until five seconds later.

Mr. Richards is touching
John's penis!

NARRATOR: The most beloved
teacher in school

would lose
his teaching license.

(audience screaming)

♪ ♪

It was the worst day
of John's life.

Nice going, Johnny Flames.

NARRATOR: Until the greatest
thing ever happened.

Hey, man.
I thought your magic was great.

And also,
not a bad-looking penis.

Our moms are taking us
to Foggy Mountain this weekend.

Want to come?

("A.M. AM" by Damien Jurado
playing)

♪ Stuck here in a life
that repeats ♪

♪ Living in the now
and between ♪

♪ Pages from a magazine ♪

What is that?

♪ Instruction manuals
for your dreams... ♪

It's a compass!

(laughter, excited yelling)

NARRATOR: Their friendship
meant everything to John.

But lately, he had the feeling
that Ben and Martin

were moving on without him.

AMY:
Martin, I'm so excited.

I think it's gonna be
the perfect baptism outfit.

(shoes squeaking)

I love it.

- Really?
- Totally.

I feel like I'm rolling up
to the Met Gala.

(chuckles)
Oh, yeah. Beep, beep.

Yeah, and the theme is, like,
the '95 NBA Draft.

Oh. Baby, I feel like
this could be your new look.

- Yeah?
- And then, like,

if you grow your hair out
a little bit.

Looking like Jesus?

That suit's a family heirloom.

Yeah, my grandfather
was buried in that suit.

What? -Baby,
come look at this listing.

I think I found
the house for us.

MARTIN:
Oh, wow.

This is great.

AMY:
Right? Look at that kitchen.

So, should we email
the Realtor?

Yeah.

But doesn't it just
kind of look like shit?

What?

You know what,
I think I actually remember

seeing an even better place.

- Oh, okay.
- Um...

Yeah, just...

Uh... oh, this one.

This place is cute, right?

This place is kind of weird.

(chuckles) I mean, like,
who is that woman?

Oh, my God.

Is she, like,
a ghost or something?

MARTIN:
I don't know.

I mean, she's eating a cookie
over the garbage.

Why is she in
more than one picture?

Well, let's just try
to look past that.

- Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, oh!
- Turn it off! Turn it off!

- (whimpering)
- (sighing)

Martin, why would you
think this house

is cuter than the other one?

I don't know.
I was, like, freaking out.

Okay, so you're freaking out
about the baptism stuff.

You can be honest with me, okay?

I mean, we don't have to do
any of this.

No. Amy, I'm sitting here
in this suit,

sweating so much
in your hot-ass apartment.

Yeah.

It's exactly where
I want to be.

(sighs)

Dad, let's face it.
You'll be dead soon.

I'm 55.

And unless you leave the store

in capable hands,
it'll die with you.

(somber bagpipe music playing)

For years, Trout Plus has been
a leader in the outdoors.

- But what if we thought bigger?
- (bagpipe music stops)

What if we brought
the outdoors indoors?

Over 50% of the Earth is inside.

Did you know that?

- I...
- Without realizing it,

we've been cutting
our own sales in half.

Let's bust it open, Dad,
nasty-style.

Trout Plus Everything.

Oh, so we could just sell anything.

- Anything.
- That's great.

- Monocles.
- Absolutely.

- Wizards' hats.
- Why not?

A bidet that shoots gravy
at your ass.

So you don't like the idea?

Surely, this is not
all you have.

Okay, I've been working
on something else.

I'll pitch it to you,
but it's not fully developed.

I'm ready.
I can handle it, I think.

Okay. Hair Salon for Boys.

FARLEY:
Oh. (laughs)

This is fantastic.

- You like it?
- Of course.

It's just, like, a social place

for young boys
to come and hang out

like older ladies do
at the salon.

Every boy's dream is to be
an older woman.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Yes!

- (laughs)
- Whoo!

Never show this idea to anyone!

Ever!

Son, pop a squat.

Dad.

You're the last person on Earth

that I would let
run this store.

I don't know why you want this.

You don't like the outdoors.

Remember Boy Scouts?

The only badge you got was in
diversity and inclusion.

It's really important.

Dying of exposure in the woods?

(mocking tone):
"Don't worry, I've got

my diversity
and inclusion badge."

Well, what if you're dying
from exposure to hatred?

Do you know that
every day of my life,

I've killed a living thing?

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

I punched a field mouse
three weeks ago.

I would give a bobcat
the finger,

- if that's something, I mean...
- They don't care.

Dad, I just need a little
more time to prove myself.

More time? You're 26.

Kids today prove themselves
when they're like 12.

Have you seen Stranger Things?

The kids on that show
are insanely talented.

What are you talking about?

I think you're just seeing
the glass as not having

enough water in it,
as opposed to having

more than an adequate
amount of water.

That's not how the saying goes.

Glass half full
versus glass half empty.

Yeah, well, your generation
loves to shorten everything

till it makes no fucking sense.

As your father--

and I say this
with all the warmth I can--

I only care about two things:
money and power.

And you have neither one.

JOHN: All right, boys,
finally, poker night.

Place your bets.

BOY:
Can we play something else?

I'm bored.

BOY 2: Hey, John,
where are your roommates at?

JOHN: I don't know, like,
busy again. It sucks.

I just got to fucking remind
them that we're a dream team.

Ben, John, Mart.

That's, like,
what it's always been.

BOY 2: So, what do you want
from your friends?

JOHN: I don't know, hang out
forever, travel the world,

go somewhere exotic like London.

BOY 1:
You sound kind of sad.

I sound kind of sad? Wow.

Dude! -Shut up, Jason.
I'll email your mom.

JASON:
Fuck you, fat boy!

You're playing poker
with 11-year-olds.

- Fuck you, Jason!
- Asshole!

BOY 2:
You can't just...

JASON:
Hey, I'll kick your ass.

- Hey! Ow! Oh!
- Do you want a piece of me?

- Wow, okay.
- JASON: Hey! Come on!

How do you like that?
No more game. -BOY 2: Come on!

Dude, what is wrong
with my algorithm?

Welcome to
Hot History Part 17:

The Treasure of Foggy Mountain.

Remember this guy,
Deetch Nordwind,

the guy who went missing?

He was looking for treasure:
the bust of Marie Antoinette.

Somebody has the key out there

to finding this treasure,
sitting in someone's room,

and they have no idea
they have the key

to something worth
over $100 million.

If it's you, go!

Find this treasure.
It's over...

(phone clicks)

♪ Work, work, work ♪

- ♪ Let's work, work, work... ♪
- Whoa.

(somber organ music playing)

(organ music continues playing)

Whoo! Yay, baby! You got this.

You're doing so good.

Go, Mart. (chuckles)

Thank you guys for coming,
by the way.

I know it means a lot to him
that you're here.

- Amy, of course.
- Aw.

What the fuck is her deal, man?

Shut up.
She's right next to us.

- (Amy squeals, giggles)
- What is her problem?

She's fine, man. She's...

She's honestly really nice.
It's just...

I don't know why
Martin is so... -Afraid?

He's petrified right now.

BEN: Looks like he's being
held at gunpoint. -I know.

And what the fuck is going on
with that suit?

I don't know, man.

JOHN: It's huge, dude.
He looks like the fucking sun.

He looks like a pimp
in a high school play.

PRIEST:
I baptize thee.

In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Ghost,

you are now baptized.

Whoo! (giggles)

- That was so good.
- (applause)

(piano playing
"Be Thou My Vision")

MARTIN:
♪ My own heart ♪

♪ Whatever befall ♪

♪ Still be my vision ♪

♪ O Ruler of all. ♪

(applause)

- You get any pigs in a blanket?
- No.

More of a fan
of the blanket myself.

- Are you kidding me, man?
- What?

You just sucked
the bread off that?

I said I'm more of a fan
of the blanket.

I heard what you said, man.
It's disgusting. -The bread.

In the words of John Lennon,
"All you need is love."

Too bad he's in hell
for doing drugs.

- (cell phone vibrating)
- Oh, my dad's calling.

- I got to take this.
- No, dude, don't leave me.

- Yeah, I-I'll be right back.
- Ben... Ben, please.

MARTIN: I was a sinner,
but now I'm saved,

and it's all thanks to Amy.

- AMY: Aw. (giggles)
- (applause)

I can't... I can't take credit.

Hmm. You know, thank God

Amy finally found
a good man like Martin.

Martin is a-a good boy now,

but you should've seen him
back in the day.

He was so awesome.

What did he do?

Like, work at a soup kitchen?

No, he would get, like,
blackout drunk

and become a character.

It's hard to explain.
I-I can show you a video.

This is Lawrence.

He was so much more
than just a voice

Martin would do
when he was drunk.

He was fearless.

Like when the dean tried
to shut down our party,

- Lawrence beat his ass.
- (glass breaking)

And when my professor
tried to fail me,

- Lawrence beat his ass.
- (glass breaking)

And when a lunch lady
banned him from the cafeteria,

Lawrence dated her
for three beautiful months,

until her husband found out.

- And then he beat his ass.
- (glass breaking)

And when Martin met Amy,

he vowed to never
become Lawrence again.

- So, that's that.
- Oh.

Thank God people change.

You know, life is full
of mountains and valleys.

MALE VOICE: Valleys.-BEN:
That's not what I'm saying.

Dad, I'm sorry.

It's so important to have

- that moral compass.
- MALE VOICE: Compass.

Not to mention the fact

- that he's going to treasure
- MALE VOICE: Treasure.

- all of the friends
- MALE VOICE: Friends.

that he makes here.

Mountain, compass,
treasure, friends.

Mountain,
compass, treasure, friends.

Mountain, compass,
treasure, friends.

Mountain,
compass, compass, friends,

friends, treasure,
treasure, friends.

Mountain, compass, compass...

I got to go!

(people gasping, murmuring)

Get your fucking hands off me!

Sorry. Sorry.

(breathing heavily)

Dude, he ruined
the baptism after-party.

He didn't ruin it, man.

- It was still cool.
- No, he's losing it.

He's always alone in the house
doing the saddest shit.

- It's depressing.
- Yeah, I-I'm with you, man.

I'm... I think, though, he's
just going through something,

but in general,
he's totally fine.

Oh, hello.

Oh, man. -I was just taking
an evening bath.

- With your computer?
- Yes.

Doing research.

While I was at
the baptism reception today,

I came upon
an enlightening discovery.

- Why are you talking like that?
- Guys, I think

I know where the treasure
of Foggy Mountain is,

and I think
we should go get it.

The treasure of Foggy Mountain?

Like from when we were kids?

It all started when I saw
a TikTok about this guy.

Deetch Nordwind.

Whoa.

You have like 40 tabs open?
What are you doing, man?

JOHN: Well, that's how much
research I've been doing.

Well, a lot of these are clips
from Jennifer's Body.

- Is that part of the research?
- Um...

You could just rent the movie
at that point. -Yeah.

Enough, please. Can we just
go back to the first one?

This is very important.

The treasure Deetch was after
was hidden

by a French naval explorer
named Jean Pierre Le Roche.

"J.L."

This was Jean Pierre Le Roche's
insignia.

Our compass that we found
as kids is a treasure map.

Here, check this out.

It aligns perfectly.

- Huh.
- And in my research,

I found out that he hid it
in some kind of chamber,

but nobody's been able
to find it.

What's that?

Looks like a chamber.

This is real?

Ben, can you imagine
what your dad would say

if you found the treasure
of Foggy Mountain?

I guarantee you
he will look at you

like he's never
looked at you before.

And, Mart, Amy's 25.

That's like 62
in Christian years.

- At least.
- If it was up to her,

she would have
like 12 kids by now.

You can't afford 12 kids.

No. I'd have to feed 'em
dog food.

- Yeah.
- Or hay.

Or you feed 'em steak and caviar
like babies should be fed.

You could with a hundred mil.

- What?
- A hundred million dollars?

We are sitting here
on this warm summer night

looking at the key
to changing our lives.

What are we waiting for?

♪ ♪

ALL:
Hey! Oh!

Hey! Oh! Hey!

- (horn honks, tires squealing)
- (all exclaiming)

Oh, shit. -DRIVER: I hope
your friendship falls apart!

- What did he just say?
- We're good. We're good.

Oh, snap.
Brought the Lawrence shades.

BEN:
Oh, my God! Come on, Mart.

Is L-Man coming out to play?

Hey, can you not, man?

Last time I was Lawrence
was a disaster.

The cops said, if I'm even seen

on a roof again,
they can shoot to kill.

JOHN: You know what, man,
just forget it.

I'm sorry I brought it up.

NARRATOR:
John just hoped this trip could

remind his friends why
they made such a great team.

MARTIN:
Whoo!

NARRATOR:
By the way, I'm John Goodman

from The Big Lebowski
and a ton of other shit.

Anyhoo...

Well, well, well.
What do we have here, Lisa?

I wonder who threw
the illegal gender reveal party

that caused a small forest fire.

- Hmm.
- I don't know, Lisa.

I wonder who could it
possibly have been.

Come on, guys. Fess up.

Which one of you weirdos did it?

Are you kidding me, man?

- Huh?
- You look like you've been

getting your face ridden
by an Avatar.

- Just bustin'.
- Mm-hmm.

Whoa.

BEN:
Whoa. You guys all in line?

Oh, snap.
Why is this guy all blue?

I'm having a baby boy!

(both exclaiming)

Congrats, buddy.

Hey. Can I get you something
to drink? -(both laugh)

Like if I was a waiter.
I'm not.

(both laughing)

- But you do work here?
- Yes.

I was wondering if you, uh,
could point us

in kind of like a direction
where we could go see,

like, a cool, like,
site or, like,

- vista or something.
- Oh, my God. Yeah.

But it has to be
along this trail...

Sorry, am I, like,
leaning in on you?

- No, no, no, no. It's okay.
- Yeah, yeah.

Let me just take a look.

- What is that?
- JOHN: Don't tell anybody.

We are, um, going to hunt for
the treasure of Foggy Mountain.

- (laughing): Wait, what?
- I swear to God, yeah.

- Shut up.
- I know.

Our friendship was kind of...

- We needed a little juice.
- Yeah.

Maybe you guys
could've just went

to Dave & Buster's
or something.

Can I give you some advice,

- man, about fatherhood?
- Please.

Never cheat on your son
with another boy.

- I'm gonna remember that one.
- John, come on, let's go.

All right, I'm coming.

Uh, it was nice meeting you.

Bye.

("Sooner or Later"
by The Grass Roots playing)

- Oh, wow.
- Wow.

- Oh, my God, horses.
- A horse.

- Yeah, give us a lasso.
- Hey!

Come on, give us a lasso.

(all exclaiming)

ALL:
Left, right, left...

JOHN: I haven't been outside
this long in like 15 years.

BEN:
Yeah, neither have I.

I had one of these as a kid.

- Oh, he's on the belly!
- Oh, on the belly!

Ew, dude. What are you eating?

They're smoochies.
Amy makes 'em.

Smoochies?

What's in it?

It's mostly wheat germ
and pitted dates.

That sounds like shit,
and those look like

- little turds.
- Ben.

- Dude, they're the best.
- JOHN: Come on.

- Stop eating it.
- Mart.

Dude, IMAX on a phone, like,

- isn't that bad.
- Yeah, you're so right.

Jennifer's Body
is kind of amazing.

♪ Girl, you got to give in ♪

♪ Sooner or later... ♪

I hate this job.

We have had, what,
like 12 jobs?

Like, day care, caterer.

Then we were bus drivers together.

Wish we had no jobs.

Wish were out there
searching for treasure

like those guys
with a treasure map.

- Treasure map?
- Yeah.

The cute guys
that came in earlier--

the, like, model
and his bodyguards.

I didn't see nobody cute.

I had chemistry
with one of them,

but I don't know,
I wouldn't hook...

I don't want to hook up.
I don't even know the guy.

(laughing):
I'm not... I don't know him!

Cute? The ginger one
looked like a colonial ghost.

The one with glasses, he looked
like Tim Burton drew him.

And then the short one, he got
titties bigger than mine.

We probably wear
the same size bra.

They had a treasure map.

They treasure map
with, like, an "X" on it.

We should follow them.

Okay, people always look for
the treasure of Foggy Mountain,

- but they don't find it.
- Come on, Lisa.

We gonna steal that map.

(birds chirping)

(insect buzzing)

(loud, shrill honk)

- Come on, dude.
- Oh, my God.

- What?
- What was that?

- What was that?
- It's a birdcall, man.

I'm trying to get good
at this stuff, okay?

It sounds like a guy screaming.

It feels like you should just
be able to blow into it.

Like, it doesn't seem
like a complicated...

- (loud, shrill honk)
- Stop it, man. -Oh, my God.

What is happening? -How are
you so bad at that, though?

I don't know, man.
It's frustrating to me.

(wings fluttering)

It worked.

- Oh, my God.
- Holy shit.

That is a full-ass hawk.

BEN:
Oh, my God. Okay.

- Sort of glaring at us.
- JOHN: Yeah, you see that?

- Maybe we head out.
- Yeah, maybe we...

Yep. Bye, little girlie.

See ya.

Can't believe
that we saw a hawk.

- Yeah. That's cool.
- I know, man.

Yeah.

♪ ♪

Is it following us?

Feels like it is.

What's going on here?

Think it's just walking.
It's all good.

I think it looks like
it's hunting us.

Well, why don't we just
pick it up a little? -Yes, sir.

- Oh, my God. Go, go, go!
- Go! Go!

Go! Go to the rock!

Go, go! Fucking traverse it!

- Okay.
- Traverse the rock!

Wait, stop! Stop it! Stop!

(screams)

Does it not know it can fly?

- What? Ew, dude.
- Oh, yuck.

BEN:
What a little fucking weirdo.

JOHN: Why did it walk away
with an attitude?

- Fuck, man. Jesus.
- Mart, that was scary, buddy.

- That was very scary.
- Holy hell.

(birds chirping)

JOHN:
How unbelievable, dude.

- So beautiful.
- BEN: Mm.

Just us, Mother Nature.

- This ain't half bad.
- Yeah.

- Hey!
- Oh, my God. -Oh!

You boys got a camping permit?

- Uh, not...
- Ben said he had one.

I ha... I might have it
on-on my phone.

Chill, boys.
We're messing with you.

(chuckles)
Do you guys want a drink,

or should I go fuck myself?

- A drink.
- Yeah, a drink.

- Yeah, let's do a drink.
- Let's do a drink.

(indistinct chatter, laughter)

("Ghost" by The Most
Distant Object playing)

Try to flip it.

(all exclaiming)

Uh, okay. Oh.

(whimpers) I'm sad.

- Manchester by the Sea.
- Yeah.

Okay, um, literally scariest
movie of all time.

- The Grinch.
- Are you guys seeing this?

I can't believe we just did
that. -Is that not amazing?

And time. Zero points.

You guys are not
allowed to talk.

- Oh. I always forget that.
- Oh. It's charades.

Okay, well, since we done
and y'all got zero points,

let's talk about
something else.

Let's talk about
the treasure...

Dinner is served.

Who's hungry, y'all?

Whew-ee, I hope I did it right.

I think I did, probably.

Oh, the head's still intact,
if anyone...

- LISA: Oh.
- It's a delicacy.

Dude, don't eat it.

- (crunching)
- Mmm.

Interesting flavor palette.

It's, like, hard on the outside
but so raw on the inside.

Good, though.
I think that's right.

You were really, really good.

- Hey, Lisa.
- Yeah?

Hey, can I talk to you over
here, just me and you, please?

Oh. (chuckles, clears throat)

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

- Cool.
- Lisa.

You guys see that?

She's flirting with me.

Dude, you guys were vibing.

We're not even here for that.
Like, this isn't a sex trip.

But when's the next time
we are gonna take a sex trip?

- I don't know.
- Did you hear that?

John thinks
The Grinch is scary, too.

It's like, yeah,
just 'cause it's a Christmas

doesn't mean he's not a monster.

Yeah. Lisa, Lisa,
I need you to focus, okay?

We are here for one thing

and one thing only,
and that is...

- To hook up.
- ...to get the treasure map.

- Okay.
- It's to get the treasure map.

Lisa, I need you to focus,
okay? -Oh, yeah. Sorry, I'm...

You know what? No, I'm not
prepared for this, man.

- Come on. Why?
- No, I'm not.

God, I've never trimmed my bush.

It's like, what am I gonna do?

I thought you were gonna say
a whole list of things.

You go in there
in the tent with John,

you get the treasure map...

And if we hook up, it's like,
okay, we hooked up.

I don't care if you're
hooking up, mid-hookup.

- You can be grabbing...
- Grabbing the treasure map.

...the treasure map.
That's fine.

Lisa, don't let me down, okay?
I need you.

So, what are we, um...

Wh-Why are we in here?

What do you mean?

No, I just...

There's a party
going on out there,

- and now we're in this tent.
- Yeah.

But I-I mean, I'm not mad. I...

Just funny, like, I feel like
I should be, like, nervous,

but, like, I... yeah,
I feel like I like you.

- Oh.
- (chuckles)

Well, I like you.

(both laughing)

We're on a date.

Taylor, truth or dare?

Truth.

What is your worst memory,
like, ever?

So, wait, what are
the rules again?

Okay, so the game is you have
to sing as earnest as you can,

and it has to be
an original song.

- You...
- No jokes.

- Okay. Okay, but you go first.
- No funny voice.

- You go first. You go first.
- Okay.

♪ Boy, you got me going crazy ♪

♪ You're making me feel loco ♪

♪ Sexual seduction ♪

♪ That's what I like ♪

♪ You know what, you can't
guess where my underwear is ♪

♪ I've hid 'em in this room ♪

♪ You better find them ♪

♪ Here's a broom. ♪

To find them.

(laughing):
Oh, my God.

That's, like,
something I'm working on.

- Now you go.
- You're gonna make fun.

- It's embarrassing.
- Okay.

♪ You always on my mind ♪

♪ I'm running out
of time, girl ♪

♪ She smoking on all I like ♪

♪ Smoking all day, all night ♪

♪ And I say, "Quit that,
put it down now" ♪

♪ But she doesn't,
so I go over there ♪

♪ So I go over
to brush her hair ♪

♪ She says, "Get off of me,
you left me months ago." ♪

(both laughing)

LISA:
I definitely believe in God.

JOHN:
Mm.

Do you have a good relationship
with your dad?

- No.
- See, I told you,

you look so good
with your hair slicked back.

I don't think that
it looks good.

I don't think
I can pull it off.

(laughing):
It looks really good.

You're, like, the hottest guy.

- Are you serious?
- Mm, yeah.

Hotter than Johnny Knoxville?

Yeah. Definitely.

- What about Steve-O?
- Yeah.

And he's, like,
my ultimate celebrity crush.

That feels good. (laughs)

So you know how older ladies
have this great place

where they can come
and socialize and gab?

And so I got to thinking,

why don't little boys have
a place like that?

Why is it just little boys?
I'm confused.

This would just be
little boys and Ben.

You sound like you got a little
Never Neverland crackin'

but you get a haircut
at the end. -BOTH: No, no, no.

Hold it really tight.

(laughing)

Three of hearts.

Oh, my God.

What is the saddest thought
you can think of right now?

My grandma will never make out
with anyone ever again.

That's so sweet that
that's your saddest thought.

("Fade into You" by Mazzy Star
playing)

- I didn't fart once, okay?
- TAYLOR: I can smell it.

You farted your ass all the way
around this goddamn campsite.

He did not fart his ass all
the way around. -I didn't...

I... Sometimes
it smells outside.

Smell like bussy.

It... it doesn't smell
like bussy.

- TAYLOR: Okay.
- What's... what's bussy?

I don't want this night to end,
but I'm getting sleepy.

Yeah. Me, too.

This was really, really nice.

♪ ♪

- (song stops)
- (birds chirping)

Hey, y'all.

- (muffled shouting)
- (John chuckles)

Guys, why are we tied up?

- (muffled shouting)
- I'm coming. I'm coming.

(grunts)

(muffled shouting continues)

(yelling)

- What happened?
- Those mean ladies tied us up

and stole all our shit.

- What?
- (yells)

Get us out of here! It's like
a million fucking degrees!

You guys,
I'm gonna use my mouth.

(yells) I'm free!

(all gasping, groaning)

- Dude, you slept so late.
- It's 2:00!

What the hell happened?

Taylor tied us up,
and Lisa stole the map.

Wait, what? No, she didn't.

Yeah. Kiss the treasure goodbye.

(scoffs) I got love-bombed?

- Wh-What?
- What?

- I'm going to bed.
- BOTH: Don't go to bed.

I'm sorry you got love-bombed.
I think we shouldn't give up.

Is there anything else
that we have or could use...

So uncomfortable, dude.

I'm trying to sleep
in a bunch of dirt.

Yeah, and you slept like
13 hours, man! -You guys?

Shut up! -Do we still
have the compass? The...

- Yes! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Maybe we can make another map.

Oh, great.
We have a useless compass.

- What are you talking about?
- It doesn't point north.

It just points
to the middle of the woods.

It always has. That's why
I put a picture on it.

BEN:
Wait, wait, John.

Ha-Have you looked at this
in a while?

"Let me be your guide,
and riches you will find"?

"Let me be your guide..."

Yeah, and it's not
pointing north.

"...and riches you will find"?

So, where is it pointing, John?

I think that that's pointing
to the treasure.

- That's what we said.
- That's what we were saying.

- We figured that out.
- Oh, my God, dude!

"Let me be your guide..."

ALL:
"And riches you will find."

"Let me be your guide,
and riches you will find."

Those rangers think
they can mess with me?

- BOTH: Uh-uh!
- I don't think so, Lisa!

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, John, John.

It's okay, it's okay,
it's okay. -It's just hard.

- It's really... it's a lot.
- It was recent,

and I really
genuinely liked her.

- Aw.
- You know what we got to do?

- Get there first. Whoo!
- Yes.

ALL: "Let me be your guide,
and riches you will find."

"Let me be your guide,
and riches you will find."

(Taylor and Lisa whooping)

Who stole their treasure map?

BOTH:
We did!

- Yeah, fuck those guys!
- I do feel guilty, though.

- I really connected with John.
- Which one was John?

Oh, the one that looked like
Danny DeVito got a glow-up.

Right. Who gives a fuck?

We're millionaires.
We can get any man we want.

- Hey, Method Man!
- Hi, John!

Grisham, the writer.

Have you read The Firm?
I couldn't put it down.

TAYLOR: I don't want to talk
about John Grisham.

(wind whistling)

(birds cawing)

So, the treasure's that way.

♪ ♪

Well, I mean,
how are we gonna cross this?

I mean, we could try to find,
like, another route.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Guys?

I have a good idea.

♪ ♪

Wingsuits.

Dude, what?

We're gonna fly over that?

We do it all the time
in the machine.

- This is not a machine.
- Guys...

I'm doing it.

Come on!

Are you sure you want
to do this?

It feels like it's getting
extremely windy.

I just need you guys
to trust me, okay?

You know what?
Go ahead and film me,

'cause I'm pretty sure
my old man

is gonna want to see
his boy in action.

Okay.

Oh, my God, it is steep.

(screaming)

- Oh, my God!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Ben!
- (screaming)

Ben, you're like a kite!

- What?
- You're like my kite, Ben.

I feel like I'm at
the beach right now.

Oh, like a kite!

(screaming)

- John, cut the video.
- Got it.

(cell phone whooshes)

I sent it to your dad.

I'm sorry.

What? No!

- Shit.
- Are you kidding me?

- Ben!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

(screaming)

Ben, you're taking me
up with you!

- Oh, no! No, stop!
- The cliff!

- The cliff!
- No, stop, stop!

- No!
- (screaming)

(wind whistling)

(birds chirping)

(all groaning)

JOHN: Oh, my God, is everyone
okay? -MARTIN: Ow.

- MARTIN: No, dude, that hurt.
- JOHN: Dudes?

I did seriously bruise
my taint.

MARTIN:
We almost died.

And there are fucking ants
in this tree.

Well, you miss 100% of
the shots you don't take, man.

Shut up. -Shut up. Shut the
fuck up, man. -No, dude.

Ben, you failed, okay?
You failed.

Come on, Martin.

Dear God, please save me
from this terrible trip

with my two awful friends.

Please lead us to the treasure,
and I promise I'll be

a good Christian like the Pope
or Chance the Rapper.

Wait. Guys, shut up, shut up.

MARTIN and BEN:
What?

Dude, look.

Is-is that the chamber thing
from the compass?

- MARTIN: Dude, it-it is.
- JOHN: Oh!

- No way!
- Wow, that's it.

- We fucking found it!
- Oh, my God.

ALL: "Let me be your guide,
and riches you will find."

"Let me be your guide,
and riches you will find."

- Dude, I got us here.
- Shut the fuck up.

♪ ♪

JOHN:
Holy shit, dude.

Oh, my God.

How do we get in?

- JOHN: Um...
- BEN: Wait, yo, yo, yo.

Do you have the compass?

- Give-give me the compass.
- The compass. Go, go, go.

♪ ♪

BEN:
It smells like bussy in here.

MARTIN: Dude, don't start
saying that now.

This must have been where
Le Roche hid before he died.

(gasps, blows)

JOHN:
Dude, what?

- It must be here.
- MARTIN: Oh, my God.

Guys, look.

That looks like
SpongeBob's door.

- What?
- Like on his pineapple house.

Dude, that's-that's
the treasure door.

That's probably where
the treasure is.

It's, like, a giant steel...
Open it.

- Dude, open it.
- (rattling)

MARTIN:
I think it's locked.

- Is there a key?
- I don't know.

Okay, obviously, it wasn't
just gonna be open, right?

Maybe this is like
an escape room.

Maybe we just have to look
around for a-a key or a clue.

Use your brains.
We can figure this out.

Shit.

Wait.

Look, under the painting.

"A treasure too great
for one man.

"Only a group in harmony can...

find it."

Botched the rhyme there.

You know what that means, though?

We have to be in harmony.

We have to work together.

- (chuckles softly)
- Of course.

Dang it.

I can't believe
we came all this way

and we can't open the door.

- (playing piano)
- ♪ Feeling lost ♪

♪ Feeling tired ♪

♪ Nowhere to go,
time has expired ♪

♪ We've reached the end ♪

(exhales sharply)

ALL:
♪ And we are sad ♪

(chuckles) Nice.

(rattling)

What was that?

Did the music open the door?

As soon as we hit the harmony,
it just came off.

BEN:
"Harmony."

"Only a group in harmony
can find it."

They're talking about literal
harmonies. Keep going, John.

- Keep playing.
- Keep going. Keep going.

♪ Feeling stressed,
feeling sick ♪

♪ Nothing's working,
nothing seems to stick ♪

Hit it, Mart.

♪ Oh, Le Roche ♪

♪ Oh, please, monsieur ♪

ALL:
♪ Help us out ♪

- ♪ And open le door ♪
- (door clanks)

(all gasp)

♪ ♪

♪ Open le door ♪

♪ Open le door. ♪

♪ ♪

- (vicious snarling)
- (all gasp)

It's an animal! It's an animal!

Oh, my God, it's an animal!

(screams) -I'm gonna be
sick to my stomach.

What was that?

I think it was, like,
a sick, hairless bear.

- Why didn't it have any hair?
- I don't know.

Maybe it got trapped in there.

I'm done. Forget the money.

- BEN: Yeah.
- It's not worth it.

- BEN: No, let's go.
- Wait, wait, wait.

I have an idea.

A trail of smoochies--
he'll eat 'em right up.

JOHN:
Oh, dude. Okay.

- Is this a good idea, man?
- Yeah.

No one in the world
likes smoochies.

- I-I'm just saying...
- Okay, everybody, get close.

He might, like,
think it's his own turds.

(whispers):
Does he like the smoochies?

- (vicious snarling)
- (all yelling)

(screaming)

(panicked whimpering)

Martin!

(all gasping)

It's following the treasure!

Why did you throw it to me?

- (growls)
- (screaming)

- Food! Food for you!
- BEN: Oh, throw the food!

Follow the food!
Follow the food!

(all gasping loudly)

("Crank That (Soulja Boy)"
by Soulja Boy Tell'em playing)

- I shit my pants.
- BEN: No.

Yeah, I fucking dumped
in my pants.

♪ Soulja Boy off in it, oh ♪

♪ Watch me crank it,
watch me roll ♪

♪ Watch me crank
that Soulja Boy ♪

♪ Then Superman that, oh,
now watch me yuu ♪

- ♪ Crank that Soulja Boy ♪
- ♪ Now watch ♪

♪ Soulja Boy off in it, oh ♪

♪ Watch me crank it,
watch me roll ♪

♪ Watch me crank
that Soulja Boy ♪

♪ Then Superman that, oh,
now watch me yuu ♪

- ♪ Crank that Soulja Boy ♪
- ♪ Now watch me yuu ♪

- ♪ Crank that Soulja Boy ♪
- ♪ Now watch ♪

♪ Superman that, oh ♪

♪ Yeah, watch me crank
that Robocop. ♪

- (laughter)
- BEN: You guys, check it out.

(imitating Marge Simpson):
Homie, I'm worth

millions of dollars.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, shit!

Marge!

- Marge Simpson.
- JOHN: Marge Simpson.

ALL:
To Marge!

And, guys, I think
the rangers were

a little too slow to get it,
don't you think?

- Yeah, man.
- A little too slow.

I don't even care, like,
anymore that, like,

Lisa broke my heart.

- Like...
- BEN: Good.

- Uh... yeah.
- Good, good.

BEN: Still can't believe
we found it.

Hey, guess it's all thanks
to me and God.

I tip my hat to you,
my strange friend.

I mean,
was the wing-suiting God,

or was that my bravery?

Well, I think kind of
everything is all God.

Well, more of a science fella
myself, but I get

that you're going through
something with your girlfriend.

MARTIN: I'm not going through
anything with my girlfriend.

♪ ♪

Guys, we found it together.

I think that
that deserves a toast.

- That's right. -Okay.
- I mean, come on.

- We can all agree to that.
- Cheers to us.

- (cell phones dinging)
- BEN: Oh, shit.

Do we have service out here?

- Oh, shit.
- (cell phones vibrating)

- Want to FaceTime my dad.
- Oh.

- I got to call Amy.
- I'll be right back. -Oh...

Um...

I'll call someone, t... Um...

Dude, do I have to, like,
re-download the app?

What is going on?

BEN: All right, fellas,
now that we're mega-rich,

we got to come up with a smart,
reasonable budget.

What about ten mil for our own
private music festival?

- Yes.
- And who's on the bill?

- Two words for you: Fat Joe.
- Oh!

ALL:
♪ Lean back. ♪

I think that we should go on

a badass vacation
with each other.

- Love that. Love that.
- Yep.

What are we thinking, Cabo?

- Yeah.
- JOHN: Cabo. That's cute.

No, two words for you blokes:
London.

- Holy shit!
- Oh! Yes, sir.

(British accent): The blokes
are back to take London, folks.

Oh, yeah! -And I'm gonna
eat some porridge and mash.

And I'm driving on the right
side of the road, innit?

- Too... too much.
- Sorry.

$2 million just to slip
to a waitress

at a diner, go viral as fuck.

Oh, and I'm gonna need, like,
a big chunk for me and Amy.

- Okay. What?
- We got to give five million

- to the Catholic Church.
- What?

- Five million to the... What?
- What do you...

They need it, man,
for stained glass and lawsuits.

JOHN and BEN:
Lawsuits?

Not all the lawsuits
are about something bad.

Sometimes it's just
someone trying

to get money out of the Pope.

I'm not paying for the Catholic
Church's lawsuits, man.

I need that money
to invest in Trout Plus.

MARTIN: That's just
something you want. -Guys.

I'm talking about shit
that we need.

What are you talking about?

- Listen to yourself.
- Oh, my God.

- G-Guys, guys, guys.
- What?

Fucking... the fucking treasure
is gone, dude.

Oh, shit.

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Oh, fuck.

- Go, go, go, go, go.
- Oh, my God.

- Ben, John, come on.
- Fuck. Come on.

I got it! Lisa!

No! Give me that!

- I got it! John, here!
- Hey!

BEN:
Back away!

Hey, J. What's up,
you handsome bitch?

- Hmm-mm. No. Uh-uh.
- Okay.

TAYLOR: How did y'all get
the treasure before us?

- Give me that shit.
- Or what, park ranger?

- Gonna throw us in tree jail?
- (Ben and Martin laughing)

- (gasping)
- TAYLOR: Oh, I got it, Lisa!

- Come on! Get in the cart!
- Dude! Dude, you okay?

(raspy):
Ah! What the fuck!

Go! Go! Shit!

(Lisa whimpering)

(raspy):
You two are evil!

- Great. Now he's mad at me.
- No! Back up!

(groans)

(raspy): Why did you keep
going for the throat?

It's the quickest way
to disable an attacker.

- Grab the bust!
- Give me the wheel.

- LISA: No!
- TAYLOR: Get away! Get off!

(grunting)

Where is it? Where is it?

(panting):
Oh, shit.

Hey. Never got your number.

Why would I give you my number?

You left me tied up in the
woods and stole all my shit.

That was Taylor's idea.

JOHN: Oh, so you do
whatever you told?

You know what, Lisa?

The other night
meant a lot to me.

- And you fucked me.
- I didn't fuck you.

Maybe I would've
if the tent was bigger.

- What are you talking about?
- I said get a bigger tent!

Lisa! I got the treasure!
I got the...!

- (gasps)
- Oh, my God.

(raspy): What the fuck?
You just hit a woman!

I-I apologize for him.
I, for one, would nev...

- Oh, oh! Oh, my God! Hypocrite!
- Okay, so I hit one woman.

That's not, in the grand sch...

(retching)

Oh, my... Ew!

- We shouldn't be talking.
- Stop, stop, stop, stop.

I-I... I'm sorry.

I know I stole from you, but I
was doing it for my friend.

- I really like you.
- No, you don't.

I knew it was
too good to be true.

I really do.

- Are you being serious?
- Yes.

- You swear?
- Yeah.

- You're not lying to me?
- I'm not lying to you.

- Just to trick me again?
- I'm being more real than ever.

I really like you.

What's your favorite bagel?

Everything bagel
with the stuff shaken off.

Oh, God, I can't fight it.

- You're perfect, girl.
- Oh, you're perfect, too.

MARTIN:
Where is it? Where'd it go?

(laughing)

Yo, guys.

(distorted grunting)

(engine revving)

- Ben?
- Hey.

Were you about to leave
without us? -Hmm?

- Jesus Christ, man.
- Dude, get-get in.

You were gonna leave
without us. -I got the thing.

- John, let's go!
- John, come on, let's go!

Just one sec.

Lisa, what the fuck
are you doing?

John, we're gonna abandon you
if you don't come, man.

- What?
- (Lisa yelps)

JOHN:
Sorry.

Oh, oh, dude, I dropped her.
God, I dropped her. -John?

- Dudes, I dropped her.
- TAYLOR: What the hell, Lisa?

- Are you okay?
- You in? -Yeah.

Maybe he's telling them
to come back?

Sorry!

Man, Lisa, see what the fuck...
you see what you did?

That was insane.

I hope Lisa's not mad
that I stole her cart.

Hey, you guys haven't talked
in like 45 minutes.

What's going on?

- Want to tell him what you did?
- I'm not talking about it, man.

Can we just focus
on getting home, please?

(engine stops)

(all sigh)

NARRATOR:
So Ben, John and the third guy

continued their long journey
home on foot,

lost, tired and starving.

Hey, how good does, uh,
taking a bath

and a big plate of pasta fazool
sound right now?

- JOHN: Will you shut up, man?
- I'm sorry.

Stranded out here,
and I'm starving.

Yeah, so am I, dude.

Of course I want pasta fazool.

- Goddamn it.
- Guys.

(gasps)

My last smoochie.

- Oh, my God.
- Ah-ah-ah-ah.

If it is the smoochie
you'd like,

confess one sin.

- (John and Ben sigh)
- (bell tolls)

(animal howling in distance)

One time, I jerked off
at my grandma's house.

- Bingo. Was she home?
- Yep. I was very ashamed.

- Thank you.
- What about you, Benjamin?

I would love
a little bit of smoochie.

That's strange.

Because earlier,

I thought you said
they look like little turds.

And now they're
your favorite fucking food?

Let's not.

I want you to confess
that earlier

you were gonna abandon us.

What?

When? What are you talking
about? -No, I...

Earlier, in the cart, you were
gonna drive away without us.

JOHN:
Are you being serious? Huh?

- You did that?
- It actually happened.

I thought about it for
a second, but in my defense,

I was only thinking
about leaving

and having all
the treasure to myself.

Everyone's had
that thought before,

and I almost acted on it.

I've never had
that thought, man. Fuck.

BEN:
But I didn't. You know why?

Because of the kindness
in my heart

and because you saw me.

I wish we didn't come up here
and find the treasure.

- What?
- Whatever. Just give me some,

and then we'll forget
all of this.

You know what?
Now nobody gets any smoochie,

- you fucking psycho.
- No! -No! Mart!

God, Martin, I'm gonna
kill you! -Guys! Guys!

- Guys! Guys!
- I'm gonna kill you.

Wh-What was that?

(gasping)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(rhythmic, percussive music
playing)

What is this place?

- MAN (over speaker): Intruders!
- (music stops)

- Maybe we should head-head out.
- Yeah, let's...

- Yeah, sorry.
- Yeah, I wouldn't do that.

- Sorry.
- A show. Let's stay, then.

Let's stay.

(over speaker): How dare you
interrupt our sacred dance.

How dare you!

Shit.

(over speaker):
Miles away from civilization,

no cell phone service,

no way to call for help.

Now, tell me,
why am I joined today

by you three gorgeous girls?

Oh, us?

- No, no.
- No.

Um, we're guys.

- (over speaker): Oh. Sorry.
- JOHN: We're dudes.

- It's all right.
- (chuckles)

(over speaker): Little hard
to see out of my new,

awesome ceremonial head.

Regardless...

you've stumbled upon our home,
and it begs the question:

Why are we joined today
by five handsome Black men?

- We're, uh...
- We're-we're, uh...

MARTIN:
We're not Black.

- What?
- BEN: We're just white.

We're not Black.

Oh, oh, sorry. I can't fucking
see or hear in this thing.

Jesus.

So, what's a Chinese family like...

- Ah, man. -Stop guessing.
- Damn, dude.

I think his head
is too fucked up. -Yeah.

God, it's like the most hot
I've ever felt in my whole life.

Just take the fucking
head off, man?

Walk normal.

Oh, God, it's too hot!

(gasps) Tricia!

Okay, Tricia, Tricia.

Yeah, Deetch. -I thought we
talked about holes in this.

- Yeah, holes in the face?
- Yeah. What the fuck?

I can't keep doing this.

JOHN (echoing):
Deetch Nordwind.

The treasure
Deetch was after...

TRICIA:
Yeah, I'll figure it out.

Thank you. Love you so much.
(chuckles, sighs)

Whoa.

Hi. Wow, you look so sad.

Disgusting.

Come on.

Let's change that.

(dance music playing)

- What are we doing here, man?
- I don't know.

- This is a cult, right?
- It's absolutely a cult.

Dude, I was just out there.
I think this is a cult.

That's what I was just saying.

This sucks, dude.
I hate wearing these clothes.

- I kind of like them.
- Really?

'Cause you look like
a bisexual mechanic.

Well, fuck you, man.
You look like a gumdrop farmer.

Who cares how we look?

I haven't had food in 48 hours.

The guy in the head is, like,

the original treasure hunter, right?

- Yeah.
- I mean, this feels like

the worst place we could be.

I know, I know, but that
was like ten years ago.

Okay? I think we're okay.

And the treasure's safe.
I just hid it.

What do you mean? Where?

- What?
- You hid it?

You hid it?
What are you talking about?

We should have eyes on Marge
at all times.

You know what?
No, I am not even

entertaining you
yelling at me right now.

Martin, you just threw away
your last smoochie.

And, Ben, you almost
left us in the woods

so you could take Marge
for yourself.

I am in charge.
I am de captain now.

Don't quote Captain Phillips.

Don't do Captain Phillips.

Listen to me.

We're gonna go out there,
put a smile on

and eat their food,
'cause we need it.

Okay.

(quiet chatter)

Don't love that.

Thank you so much, everyone,

for occasioning
this dinner tonight

to welcome our three
new friends.

It's been many years
since I sought out

the treasure of Foggy Mountain.

Over the years,
I've been joined by many

wayward travelers, dreamers,

gym teachers who got too close
to their students.

(chuckles) Guilty.

But, uh, in my defense,
she was...

No, no, no.

- We live in harmony...
- What?

...away from
the civilized world,

but when we do need to go
on supply runs into town,

we put on our skin masks
to seamlessly blend in.

MARTIN:
Jesus Christ.

Holy fucking shit, man.

I feel like that's
way more noticeable.

JOHN:
Yeah, definitely.

- No offense. It's okay.
- I'm sorry. You look good.

Most of us came here to find
the treasure of Foggy Mountain.

Eventually, we all realized
we don't need treasure.

All that matters is you, me,
each and every one of us,

which is why we go by
a simple guiding mantra here.

GROUP:
All lives matter.

(choking)

I'm sorry, did I... did we say
something to offend you or...

When did you guys
leave society again?

12 years ago. What? Why?

- Ah. -Yeah. Yeah.
- Now it clicks.

Just, like,
now that's very racist.

Racist?

- Well, we're not trying to...
- No, no, I mean, totally...

All lives matter!

I feel like
he knows what it means.

- I feel like he knows.
- He definitely knows.

MAN: All lives matter.
I got a tattoo of it.

- JOHN: Ah, shit, dude.
- Oh, my God, dude. It's big.

Nobody else get that.

Regardless, we all know that

no one will ever find
that treasure.

But even if I did,

I would take
that monument to greed,

and I swear to God I would
destroy it in a big fire

without so much
as batting an eye!

Santé!

- GROUP: Santé!
- Shit.

I wish I didn't hide it
next to his chair.

- What'd you say?
- I hid it next to his chair.

BEN:
On his perch?

Why would you hide it there?

- I don't know.
- Are you kidding me?

You're such a fucking idiot, man.

Deetch, I found some visitors.

You put it under
his fucking chair, man?

What was I supposed to do?

Carry around a tote bag
all night

like I'm at some fucking
farmers market?

The problem was the tote bag?

I'm sorry, okay?

I guess I wasn't thinking
and I just shoved it somewhere.

Well, we got to get it back,
all right?

Taylor's probably out there
looking for it right now.

Did you see my three
skinny white friends

walking around with a bag?

Yeah, man, well, so is Lisa.

No way. Not Lisa, dude.

She's completely heartbroken
right now.

ALL:
Lisa! Lisa! Lisa!

Why don't we just
go grab it right now?

It's not like Deetch is sitting
on his throne all night.

BEN: There's a million people
out there partying, dude!

I can't believe
you were so stupid!

(exclaims)

- You want to get physical?
- Yeah, maybe I do.

- Hey! Okay.
- What are you doing?

You want to fucking
play that game? -(crackling)

Oh, my God!
Why do you have that?

For self-defense.
I carry a lot of cash.

I can't get approved
for a debit card.

Did you say "debit card"?

- Okay.
- What?

You didn't want
to whip that thing out

when we were getting punched
in the throat?

You had that completely
under control.

- We absolutely did not!
- No, we didn't!

Oh, Marge is driving
you guys crazy.

Our relationship
is falling apart.

If you don't start acting
like we normally do--

like regular friends, I guess--
you... I'm gonna...

Don't. Don't do that.
Don't do that.

- I don't want to do it.
- John.

- You don't have to do it.
- Oh, my God!

Ow, that hurt so much more
than I thought it would!

Why did you do it?

No other way
I can prove my point.

Yes, there are plenty of ways.

- (crackling)
- Oh, my God! -Oh, dude!

Ow, ow, ow! -I can't look
at this. Johnny, buddy...

(nasally voice):
I'm getting woozy, dude.

- Why are you talking like that?
- I'm getting woozy.

What the hell is going on?
John, can we just talk?

- Yeah.
- I feel like maybe you're...

- Oh, my God! Why?
- (gasping in pain)

I'm trying to teach you guys
a lesson... -Oh, my God.

...about friendship
and the power of friendship.

- (crackling)
- Oh, fuck me!

- I'm in middle school!
- What? What?

Y'all remember the good old
days of middle school?

- Middle school?
- Are you having a stroke?

We would hang out
like every day, dude.

It was amazing.
Except for those two months

where Ben thought he was
friends with T.J. Scardini.

I was friends
with T.J. Scardini.

(scoffs) Uh, you mean
you guys carpooled?

- Oh, fuck you!
- (crackling)

I was just as popular as him!

- BOTH: As T.J. Scardini?
- Yeah!

Dude was getting
his dick sucked

before we even knew
it was possible.

- Oh, you shut up!
- (crackling)

- Back up!
- (gasping in pain)

- What are you doing?
- Fuck! I like it!

It's starting to feel good!

Man, fuck this!

We got to focus up, all right?
What are we doing?

A-Any second now, they could
find Marge and destroy it.

Maybe they're not wrong
for wanting to do that, okay?

Maybe Deetch is right.
Maybe money isn't everything.

Of course
you would say that, man,

'cause you have nothing
to spend it on.

Yeah, sorry you don't have shit

waiting for you back home,
but we do.

Stop yelling at me
like I'm a fucking kid.

I will go and get it.

It's not like they found it.

We found the treasure.

- Oh, my God! What?
- Oh, my God.

It was really easy to find.

Oh, shit. -No, no, no.
Where is it? Where is it?

Where is it? -It's getting
prepared for burning.

- Shit, shit, no!
- Oh, my God.

Goddamn it.

So it was you who brought it.

You will be rewarded at
the treasure burning ceremony.

(breathing heavily)

♪ ♪

(crowd cheering)

(flame whooshes)

Friends,
we've been given a gift--

the symbol of everything
we stand against--

and tonight we destroy
the bust of Marie Antoinette!

(cheering)

Burn!

And it's all thanks
to our new friend, John.

JOHN (over speaker): No, no,
you don't have to point me out.

- It's okay.
- DEETCH: Friends,

look upon this
ridiculous object and laugh.

- (laughs)
- Not literally.

To those as enlightened as us,
how much is it even worth?

A hundred million dollars!

(crowd murmuring)

DEETCH:
A hundred million dollars.

Right.

I guess I haven't thought
of that in a while.

God, it's a lot of money.

Shit's getting heavy, though.

DEETCH:
Wait.

Is burning this insane?

- MAN: Burn it!
- (crowd cheering)

(choir vocalizing)

CHOIR:
♪ Soulja Boy off in this, oh ♪

♪ Watch me crank it,
watch me roll ♪

♪ Watch me crank
that Soulja Boy ♪

♪ Then Superman that, oh... ♪

- (whooshing)
- (crowd cheering)

BEN:
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Johnny Flames.

Great. Your boyfriend
just lost us a million dollars.

He probably feels bad.
He probably feels

- worse than we do.
- Shit, please. Do you realize

I've been doing all this
for us?

No. Stay here with your new
musty-ass friends.

I'm gone. I'm going home,
and don't you follow me. -Wait.

Well, fine.

I'm sick of doing whatever
you want to do anyway, so...

maybe I'm just gonna stay here
and think for myself

and join this cult.

Where-where is John?

How'd you do that, man?
How did you get that?

It's just mirrors, man.
It's always mirrors.

Let's go. Go.

♪ ♪

(grunting, panting heavily)

Oh, my God.

I always knew you were
an amazing magician, man.

- MARTIN: Goddamn.
- (laughs)

- What-what are you doing, man?
- What's up?

I'm staying.

What? (chuckles)

I'm staying here, man.

You guys were right.

I don't have fucking anything
waiting for me back home.

Oh, my God. -Oh, come on,
we-we didn't mean that.

No, you did mean it.

Dude, it is
a hundred million dollars.

Okay? You can do
anything you want now.

Maybe we don't deserve
the treasure.

- Oh, my God.
- Why do we deserve it?

We haven't struggled.

What are you talking about?
I've struggled.

When have you struggled?

I have anxiety.

Everybody has anxiety!

Well, I take pills for it,
you asshole!

Everyone...
everyone takes pills for it.

BEN:
No, they don't, man.

You guys don't get it.

Now that we have that money,
we're over

as soon as we leave
this mountain,

and I don't want
to deal with that.

Y-You just don't want to change.

You just want me to be
fucking Lawrence.

Lawrence was fun as shit.

I don't love our life, okay?

I don't want to wake up
in a shitty house

I share with two other people.

And I want to be honest,
you guys don't

- put on enough deodorant.
- What?

Take that back, man.

You guys have smelled
a little bit bad

- for as long as I've known you.
- Whatever, Mart.

You're obsessed with this girl
that you're lying to.

And you want to have sex
with your own father.

Better than being friends
with you.

I would rather
have sex with my dad

and suck on his nuts
than be friends with you.

- There you go.
- That sounds bad.

I get that that sounds bad,
and I take that back.

- All right.
- MARTIN: Maybe you're right.

Maybe this is just making
all of us unhappy.

Yeah, no.
That's what I'm saying.

♪ ♪

You guys realize how rare it is
to find great friends?

Asshole.

NARRATOR:
So John went back to the cult.

And Lisa,
also lost without her friend,

stayed, too.

Ben and Martin made it home
and began searching for someone

rich and tasteless enough
to buy their treasure.

With John no longer
in their lives,

they became the versions
of themselves

they always wanted to be.

("And Now There's No You"
playing)

(quiet chatter)

What can I get you?

I'll do the sausage plate
with a black coffee

and a double whiskey, neat.

- All right.
- Thanks, darling.

♪ There's a moon in the sky ♪

(door opens, bell jingles)

♪ There are stars way up high ♪

♪ And I hear a whippoorwill... ♪

Have a seat.

How have you been?

I've been good as shit, man.

Yeah. Uh, I don't know
if you heard, but next week,

I am officially
taking over Trout Plus.

Hmm.

Noticed your hair is...

Jesus style.
They're extensions.

- Yeah. Amy loves it.
- It's cool, man.

You look like a... a born-again
member of Metallica.

You look like if Reba
was on Undercover Boss.

So I wouldn't be
throwing stones

from that glass house of yours.

Look, as you know,
the sale is tonight,

so I just wanted to get
on the same page

about some of
the financials here.

(indistinct chatter outside)

Oh, my God, Ben.

What the...

- Are those the, uh...
- The cult people.

Okay. Oh, someone saw us.

- Oh, my God.
- Somebody saw...

- Oh, oh. He's coming over here.
- Oh.

Head down, head down,
head down. -Is he still coming?

- He's right there.
- Oh, my God.

BEN: Oh, he's coming in.
He's coming in.

- MARTIN: Shoot.
- BEN: Ooh.

John?

Aah!

- Hey.
- JOHN: Crazy running into you.

I was just down here
picking up some gasoline.

You know how it is.

(chuckles)
You guys look amazing.

Thank you. Yeah.

You, uh... you look...

Yeah, thanks so much.

Just living up with the cult:
dancing, Molly.

(chuckling):
It's too much, man.

It's every day.

You do Molly every day?

Yeah. It's unsustainable.

(indistinct chatter outside)

- Are we good?
- Yep, yep.

- Just be cool.
- BEN: You're okay, though?

Me? No. Yes.

- How's Lisa been?
- Doesn't talk to me.

I don't remember
if I was mad at her

or she was mad at me,
but I kind of missed my window.

- Have you tried to leave?
- Every time I bring it up,

Deetch, like,
mentions my mom's address.

It's not a threat or anything.

I would just imagine
that he's saying

if I left, he'd kill my mom.

That sounds like a threat.

That's really scary.

Hey, did you guys ever, um...

did you guys ever sell Marge?

It's funny you should ask.

Uh, we're actually selling it
tonight at Trout Plus.

- Tonight?
- Took us a couple weeks,

but we found
a high-profile buyer.

That's fucking awesome.

You got to save me.

What did you say?

It's just, we're all grown-up.

It's so weird.

You got to save me.

- Save you?
- Dude.

They have white chocolate
pancakes here?

Look at those fucking guys outside.

MARTIN:
Oh, my God.

- JOHN: Everybody, be silent.
- Nope, nope, nope, nope.

Guys, I hope you're happy.
I really do.

I hope life's everything
you wanted it to be.

Save me if you can.

- I'll see you on the flip.
- (door opens, bell jingles)

Hey, guys! I'm back.

- Sorry about that.
- Get in the van!

- (man grunts)
- JOHN: Ow!

(engine starts)

(vehicle departing)

Do you think he's okay?

He-he made his choice, okay?

Like, for the first time
in our lives,

we're the perfect versions
of ourselves.

Yeah, you're right.

See you tonight.

Sounds good.

- MAN: Yes, hold the bike.
- (camera clicking)

Yes. Good. Great.

All right, Ben,
we're gonna need

to be a little more sexier.

Yeah, that's the stuff.
Okay, yes.

My son.

Face of Grills and Guns magazine.

(chuckles)
Hey, Dylan, tilt up!

I can see the bags
under his eyes, dumbass!

Come on!

- Sorry.
- God.

What a piece of shit.

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Okay, give me sexier.

- Yeah, I want something sexy.
- Yeah.

There it is.

Now let's try one where you feel

extremely guilty
about something.

- Yeah, there we go.
- (Farley chuckling)

Did you guys hear that?

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Good. We love it. Okay.

That's fine.

- (engine starts)
- (people gasping)

Easy, son.
That's a floor model.

BEN:
Dad, this isn't me.

I mean, what am I wearing?

I look like the CEO
of LongHorn Steakhouse.

Dad, I'm sorry.

- I'll be back for the sale.
- (engine revs)

(indistinct chatter)

Martin.

Hey, Martin.

I was just telling Father
that after the sale tonight

we'll be able to make a large
donation to the diocese.

That money will go a long way
in fighting our lawsuits.

AMY:
Of course.

Amy, the salad you made,
it's amazing.

AMY:
Oh, thank you.

I also brought dessert.

My famous smoochies.
I'll be right back.

WOMAN:
Oh, damn, here they come.

WOMAN 2:
They're so good.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm allergic to walnuts.

Does Amy not know?

No, she thinks
I love this salad.

Fuck, you got to start
eating these, man.

Go, go, go! Hurry!

You got to go faster
than I'm going,

or else the pile
just stays the same size.

I love Amy, but I am in a hell
of my own making.

- Do you guys hear a motorcycle?
- Oh, my God.

Alert the press.
This church is close to a road.

(motorcycle pulls up outside,
engine stops)

Don't laugh.
You're not my friend.

Martin!

(people gasping, murmuring)

Let's go save our friend.

- What's going on?
- MARTIN: Baby, I'm sorry.

I'll see you at the sale.

- Now, let's get some haircuts.
- (chuckles)

What...

Oh, by the way, your weird
friend ate all my walnuts.

I tried to stop him.
I don't know what...

(dance music playing)

(crowd murmuring)

JOHN:
Test. Testing.

- (static crackling)
- (groans)

Why am I the one
that has to fix this head?

Um, just came to get my
flower crown. Have you seen it?

You're looking right at it.

Oh, didn't know
that one was mine.

Can we just talk
to each other, please?

We could've been talking.

We could've been hanging out
every day.

But whatever.

I'm gonna go see
my new friends.

Of course they love you.
You do whatever they say.

'Cause you're a follower.

Well, no one likes you,

because you're a bad friend.

Me being a bad friend--
that's rich.

If I'm such a bad friend...

(over speaker): why would I
set up a magic trick

to steal the treasure back
from Deetch

and give it to my friends?

And tonight, they're selling it

for $110 million
at Trout Plus on Abercorn.

Not the one that's on Mumford.

- The one that's on Abercorn.
- Okay.

JOHN (over speaker): God, it's
just nice to talk, you know?

No skin masks, no disguises.

Tonight, we show the world
exactly who we are.

Deetch, you don't
have to do this.

What would you get
out of destroying it?

It's a hundred million dollars.

I'm not gonna destroy it,
you stupid bitch.

- You are insane.
- Am I?

What would you have done
with the money?

I would've gone to London
with my two best friends.

You don't need a hundred
million dollars to do that.

Your friends just don't want
to go with you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, don't.

(over speaker): No!
There might be a bug in here!

- Gun it, Lisa.
- (engine revving)

JOHN (over speaker):
Lisa, don't go down with him.

He's a liar!
He wants to keep it!

- (engine revving loudly)
- I'm sorry, Lisa!

♪ ♪

- Here we come, Johnny boy!
- Here we come, man!

♪ ♪

- (busy chatter)
- FARLEY: Okay. Where's Ben?

Buyer's almost here.

Hey, and why are the
hors d'oeuvres not here yet?

And who the hell are you?

I'm the appraiser.

The buyer sent me in
from Sotheby's.

Yeah, well, your weird face
is ruining the vibe.

I'm trying to set a mood.

This is a big deal.

This guy's an A-lister.

(horn honking)

Oh, my God!

That's him! He's here! Mwah!

Everybody, the buyer's here!

Come on! Dylan, vacuum!

Get it out! Get it out now! Go!

Everybody on the line!

This is the real thing!

♪ ♪

♪ I'm so fly, I can't lie ♪

♪ When they see me,
that's that guy ♪

♪ Like it's easy, I just ride,
wanna be me... ♪

AMY: Is that Dustin
from Stranger Things?

Yes, it is.

Gaten Matarazzo... (sighs)

- welcome to my store.
- Yeah, well, you can

just call me that
pretty motherfucker

from Stranger Things.

- (laughing): Oh.
- GATEN: Ha-ha.

- Oh, incredible.
- I'm joking.

I'm playing. I'm playing.

Oh, yeah, please.

This part of the country
makes me uncomfortable.

JOHN (over speaker):
♪ She's always on my mind ♪

- ♪ I'm running out of time ♪
- (motorcycle approaching)

♪ I miss my friends,
smoking on a... ♪

What the hell?

- (gasping)
- John?

You guys came back.

Dude, we are so sorry, man!

We never should've
left you here.

- Never. That was insane.
- Dude.

- Oh, my God!
- They tied you up?

Dude, yes.
Deetch went crazy, man.

- (panting)
- Wait. Where is everyone?

They found out
about the treasure.

- What?
- Deetch found out.

How did he find out?

- It doesn't matter.
- You told him?

- John! Come on, man!
- I'm sorry, dude.

We got to go.
We got to go to Trout Plus.

♪ ♪

(quiet murmuring)

Okay. Lisa, stay here.
Take the back entrance.

Make sure no one leaves.

Oh, Deetch, I thought we...

Oh, oh, my God.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

I think you have something
that belongs to me.

♪ ♪

We're closed.

Oh, um, we-we're here
to steal the treasure.

♪ ♪

Oh, no!

Where are we going, John?

There's no way we're gonna
make it in time.

There's one way.

John, what are we doing here?

(wind whistling)

- Dude, you gonna fly down?
- (sighs)

JOHN:
That's Trout Plus.

This is the only way
we'll make it in time.

No, John, we did this once, man.

I don't know if you remember--
I became a kite.

You guys,
we got to get Marge back.

Let's do it for the people
that you guys love.

Mart, I've been a dick
to your girlfriend, man.

If I'm being honest, I don't
know her last name even.

It's Murphy.

- Murphy.
- Murphy.

That's beautiful.

- Thank you.
- And, Benny,

I feel like a big part
of the reason why

you and your dad have
a weird relationship

is 'cause I write Yelp reviews
complaining about you,

hoping Farley sees them
and fires you.

- What?
- Yeah, dude.

- Why?
- Because I wanted him

to get fired
so we could go, like,

bowling more
or some stupid shit.

- What the fuck?
- Oh, my God.

I don't know, man.
I'm fucked-up.

When I was a kid,
you guys were there for me.

I wasn't Penis Boy to you guys.
I was just John.

And I've been an asshole,
but I can change.

I'll get to know Amy Miller.

I just said Murphy, John.

- Murphy, Murphy.
- Murphy, dude.

- I'd appreciate it if...
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I can't hold you guys back anymore.

I know that now.

♪ ♪

JOHN:
All right, boys.

Wish me luck.

BEN:
Wait!

We're coming with you.

I'd rather die
than live without you, boys.

Now let's go make
a hundred million.

Whoo!

Yeah, now, come on, boys.

It's Fly Day Friday.

("Take Me Out"
by Franz Ferdinand playing)

(wind whistling)

- ♪ Take me out ♪
- (whooping)

♪ ♪

(whooping continues)

BEN:
I'm not a kite anymore!

I fucking love you guys!

I love you, too, man!

Holy shit!

It's the hawk!

We inspired him to fly!

- Good job, dude!
- Yeah!

JOHN: We're almost there!
I feel amazing!

- (fabric ripping)
- No, no, no, no! No!

What happened? What's wrong?

JOHN:
The hawk ripped my suit!

- BEN: What?
- My penis slipped out!

BEN:
Are you serious?

How does this always
happen to you?

JOHN:
Dude, what's up with the hawk?

BEN:
Put your penis away.

JOHN:
Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Is John's dick out?

- (murmuring, snarling)
- FARLEY: What's going on?

Who are you people?

We've come
to destroy the treasure.

(cheering)

That is one of the ideas
we are floating around.

I mean, I know I have a lot
of catching up to do,

but, guys, seriously,

I don't even know why
you're listening to him.

See, I'm from Hollywood.

I know a poseur when I see one.
Trust me.

This guy doesn't matter.

What matters is art.

It is value--
real priceless value.

(yells)

(people gasping, screaming)

(groaning)

Deetch doesn't matter?
All lives matter. (laughs)

EMPLOYEE:
What the hell did he just say?

Okay, we're all in this
together, right?

CULT MEMBERS:
Yeah!

(whooping)

Dude, it's so beautiful up here.

- I love it.
- MARTIN: So peaceful.

It's peaceful.

BEN:
Wait a second, guys.

How do we land?

Huh. Yeah, I don't know.

MARTIN: I think we just
got to drag our legs

until they hit the ground
and go...

- (people screaming)
- (groaning)

- Oh, my God.
- (groaning)

(yelling)

(gasping breaths)

Dad!

How are you alive?

BEN: The adrenaline.
We're like superheroes!

(groans) Oh, I died.

Is this hell?

Martin! Are you okay?

(sighs)
Poppy, play our war anthem.

War anthem?

(electrical buzzing)

("Young Folks" by
Peter Bjorn and John playing)

So we have to fight
these purple guys,

and if we don't, they'll steal
our treasure and murder us.

BEN and JOHN:
Yes.

BEN:
Ever been in a fight before?

No. I don't think
they have, either.

But they have, like, weapons
and shit. -It's all right.

- Just use your confidence.
- Okay. Yep.

- Have some confidence.
- Put your hands up.

(all yelling)

♪ And we don't care
about the young folks ♪

♪ Talking 'bout
the young style ♪

♪ And we don't care about... ♪

What the hell is going on?
This is insane!

(grunting, yelling)

♪ And we don't care
about their own faults ♪

- ♪ Talking 'bout... ♪
- Fuck!

FARLEY: Don't worry, guys.
I'm in charge.

I'll protect everyone.

Kevin.

Dude, we just had
breakfast together.

You're brainwashed, dude.
Please don't chop my head off.

♪ And we don't care
about the young folks... ♪

- Oh.
- Amy.

- (laughing): John.
- Oh, what?

(grunting)

Oh, my God.

- Teamwork.
- Teamwork.

- Oh, my God!
- (screaming)

- Is that Gaten Matarazzo?
- (sobbing): Yes.

(John screaming)

Is that John?

Whoa.

Um, I am in the wrong room,

so I think I'm just gonna go,
and whatever... (gasps)

LISA: Stop. Wait. No, no.
What are we doing?

W-We're not gonna kill
this little person

just because, you know,
a maniac told us to.

'Cause we're not followers.

You guys don't need this cult.

You have free will
and all this possibility.

Like, you could be a dancer;
and you, a singer.

And you could be...

on Duck Dynasty, I guess.

- Let's show him who's boss!
- (cheering)

Enough! You heard Deetch.
I'm gonna kill her!

(screams) Oh, my God, no!

- (choking, gasping)
- Oh, my God.

- Ah, fuck.
- LISA: Taylor.

- How did you find me?
- I saw John flying

with his dick out,
pointing southeast,

so I just kept running
and squinting.

- I missed you, buddy.
- Lisa,

I love you, too, but, bitch,
we're about to get killed.

- We got to go.
- Okay. Come on, guys.

Come on, come on.

Deetch!
I got it for you, Deetch!

(laughs)

They're getting away!

BEN:
Where is my dad?

(theme from The Office playing)

(Farley laughing)

Mart!

I can't stop them alone,

but I know someone who can.

JOHN:
Mart, here!

(grunts)

(grunts)

Martin?

What are you doing?

Something I should've done
a long time ago.

Dude, it's happening.

("Lean Back" by Terror Squad
feat. Fat Joe & Remy playing)

BOTH:
Lawrence! (howling)

(bad Italian accent):
I am Lawrence,

and I'm gonna beat ya
until your guts

fall out of your bussy.

Martin, what did you just say?

♪ Lean back, lean back,
lean back... ♪

- Hey!
- (screams)

♪ I said my ... don't dance ♪

♪ We just pull up our pants
and... ♪

Who are you?

I'm the guy who's gonna be
putting your ass in a body bag.

- (grunting)
- Hey.

Oh!

♪ We from the Bronx, New York,
things happen... ♪

Whoa. Hey.

(whimpers)

(yells, grunts)

You can't stop us!

Oh, yeah?
Tell you what, tell you what,

this guy is so fucked...

BOTH:
How fucked is he?

Let's just say his dentist

is gonna be getting
the new beach house.

♪ ♪

(gasps)

(screaming)

No!

♪ Lean back ♪

♪ Lean back, lean back... ♪

BOTH:
Oh! Slam!

♪ Lean back, lean back,
lean back... ♪

- Deetch has the treasure!
- Get him!

(panting)

- (crowd murmuring)
- TAYLOR: Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Hey, good.
You're... all here.

Um... let's bounce.

All right, what is this?

Tricia? Help.

(mocking):
"Tricia, help."

- (grunts fiercely)
- Oh, my God. -Whoa.

(exhales sharply)

Et tu, Tricia?

You've hurt these people
long enough, Deetch, okay?

Tonight was insane.

People were running around
with spears in their hands.

Wow, that's awesome, huh?
No, it's not.

JOHN: It's done, Deetch.
They don't need you.

Just give up the treasure.

Yeah, yeah, for sure.
Let me just, um...

I think I'll get my...

Fuck you!

I've been living in a hut
for the past 12 years

doing drugs with a bunch
of losers and burnouts!

No, I deserve a Jet Ski!

- Oh, my God.
- DEETCH: I want to go to Berlin

and eat steak at a nightclub.

I am never letting go of this.

I am never letting go!

You sure about that, Deetch?

(loud, shrill honk)

(people gasping, murmuring)

What the fuck is that?

Sorry.

(loud, shrill honk)

(people groaning, murmuring)

What are you doing?

(wings fluttering)

♪ ♪

(loud, shrill honk)

Now, loyal hawk,
drop it in my hands!

- Oh, no, no, no, no. Come on.
- (upset murmuring)

- CROWD: No!
- (loud, shrill honking)

No, no, come back! No, no!

- No, no, no, no!
- No, no!

(groaning)

(Deetch sobbing loudly)

JOHN:
Just let him go.

He's gonna be chasing
that hawk forever.

MARTIN: It's like something
out of Greek mythology.

JOHN:
Yeah, it is.

I'm so sorry,
I thought it would

bring it to us for some reason.

- I... (groans)
- It's okay.

- BEN: That hurts.
- JOHN: It's okay.

♪ ♪

NARRATOR:
So, in the end,

the boys didn't get
the treasure.

But they did end up with the
most valuable treasure of all:

friendship.

You see, life isn't about money.

At the end of the day,
life is all about...

- Oh, my God, the hawk is back!
- Oh!

♪ ♪

NARRATOR:
Oh, shit! The hawk came back!

It's giving 'em the treasure!

Oh! Oh, my God, they got it!

(narrator laughing)

(all cheering, laughing)

I love you guys!

- Love you, too!
- I love you, too!

BEN: He was fucking with us.
I love it.

He's a cheeky little bitch,
and he knows it.

NARRATOR: The treasure
of Foggy Mountain was theirs,

and they celebrated
until the sun came up

with the people they loved.

("Thanks to You" by Dan Greer
playing)

Oh, God, Ben.

I'm so glad you're safe.

I looked everywhere for you.

Shut up, bitch.

- What?
- I love you,

but I want you to be

a significantly smaller
part of my life.

As for me,
I'll be doing my own thing.

- No, don't say it.
- The Hair Salon for Boys.

So bad.

- All right.
- (grunts)

Take care, Pop.

♪ And taught me to care ♪

♪ Thanks to you... ♪

That's my boy.

Martin, that was the hottest
fucking thing I've ever seen.

But Lawrence is
everything you hate.

He's crude. He's violent.
He's Italian.

Martin, we shouldn't hide
who we are for each other.

We should just be honest.

I'm not perfect.

You know, I swear.

- I watch animated porn.
- Oh.

It's porn of popular
animated characters. -Right.

Like Mr. Incredible
fucking Mrs. Incredible.

Uh-huh. -Mr. Incredible
fucking Frozone.

Right. -Snoopy getting dicked
down by the man from Up.

Amy, I get it. We got to be
honest with each other.

- (laughing): Come here.
- Oh, my God.

I can't believe it.

- You're a millionaire now.
- This is crazy.

And you, like, led
a revolution. It was amazing.

I feel like I'm, like, a
different person or something.

- I don't know what came over me.
- Oh.

- Lisa, I am so...
- I am so...

- Sorry.
- Go ahead.

- You go first.
- Sorry, I talked over you.

- I feel...
- I really like...

- I really like...
- I want to have sex with you.

- What?
- What were you gonna say?

What did you say?

I, um, wish we could go back

to that tent
and start over again.

Yeah.

♪ Yes, I can, now,
I can face the world... ♪

- Shall we?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Let's go to the tent.

(both chuckling)

♪ Thanks to you, girl,
I can make it ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

Are those two gonna fuck
in my tent?

Why does everyone fuck
in that tent?

("Alright" by Supergrass
playing)

♪ We are young, we run green ♪

♪ Keep our teeth ♪

- ♪ Nice and clean ♪
- (whooping)

- ♪ See our friends ♪
- Welcome to London!

♪ See the sights,
feel all right ♪

♪ We wake up, we go out ♪

♪ Smoke a fag ♪

♪ Put it out ♪

♪ See our friends,
see the sights ♪

♪ Feel all right. ♪

(song ends)

♪ ♪

JOHN (auto-tuned):
♪ She's always on my mind ♪

♪ I'm running out
of time, girl ♪

♪ She's running
round the verld ♪

♪ She's running ♪

♪ She's running
round the verld ♪

♪ You don't love me no more ♪

♪ You don't want me
no more ♪

♪ Oh, sweetie ♪

♪ Little sweetie ♪

♪ She's always on my mind ♪

♪ I'm running out
of time, girl ♪

♪ She's running
round the verld ♪

♪ She's running round
the verld. ♪

LISA:
♪ Boy, you got me going crazy ♪

♪ You're making me feel loco ♪

♪ Sexual seduction ♪

♪ That's what I like ♪

♪ You know what, you can't
guess where my underwear is ♪

♪ I've hid 'em in this room ♪

♪ You better find them ♪

♪ Here's a broom. ♪

♪ ♪

(song ends)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(music ends)