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1
00:02:09,602 --> 00:02:11,696
It has definitely nothing to do with jealousy.
2
00:02:11,816 --> 00:02:13,916
It is more dreadful than that.
3
00:02:14,239 --> 00:02:17,672
It was just a kind of hatred
and no events took part in it.
4
00:02:18,592 --> 00:02:19,423
I killed her…
5
00:02:19,683 --> 00:02:23,243
…because her life was the blatant denial
of everything I loved…
6
00:02:23,655 --> 00:02:25,571
…of all that mattered to me.
7
00:02:25,691 --> 00:02:27,529
She was for me a living denial:
8
00:02:27,649 --> 00:02:30,403
…she was constantly denouncing
my slightest desire…
9
00:02:30,523 --> 00:02:32,091
…my most trivial thought.
10
00:02:32,408 --> 00:02:33,791
Why did we meet?
11
00:02:33,855 --> 00:02:38,609
Why didn’t we stop immediately
looking at each other?
12
00:02:40,087 --> 00:02:43,158
I first saw her in a “cellar”…
13
00:02:43,278 --> 00:02:46,305
…and I immediately got the feeling
she would be out of my league.
14
00:02:47,308 --> 00:02:50,036
Is it the reason why I started to long for her…
15
00:02:50,156 --> 00:02:52,403
…as it had never happened before
with another girl?
16
00:02:53,236 --> 00:02:55,696
Why did I pay attention to her?
17
00:02:55,816 --> 00:03:00,159
It was because of a mere nothing
- the way her cheekbones were slightly bulging…
18
00:03:00,279 --> 00:03:03,401
…and maybe also this constant look of sadness…
19
00:03:03,521 --> 00:03:05,807
…that one could find even in her smile.
20
00:03:08,402 --> 00:03:12,412
Almost one year ago, everything was fine.
21
00:03:12,806 --> 00:03:17,471
I loved being an architect
and I had a brightest future.
22
00:03:18,389 --> 00:03:20,199
I had set up my own company…
23
00:03:20,579 --> 00:03:22,838
…and I was in charge of major contracts…
24
00:03:23,481 --> 00:03:25,346
After going through difficult times…
25
00:03:25,714 --> 00:03:27,707
…I was finally successful.
26
00:03:52,454 --> 00:03:53,824
Was I happier?
27
00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:57,098
What kind of stress did I really experience
in this late winter?
28
00:03:58,088 --> 00:04:01,984
I feared to have sacrificed my best years
to my ambition.
29
00:04:02,741 --> 00:04:05,875
I was frantically in search of lost time…
30
00:04:05,995 --> 00:04:10,000
…and yet I didn’t dare to leave
the neighborhood of my twenties.
31
00:04:10,973 --> 00:04:15,466
I had started thinking about getting married:
32
00:04:15,745 --> 00:04:19,121
my loneliness was more humiliating than painful
33
00:04:19,406 --> 00:04:22,786
and I thought my ego
was also entitled to be satisfied.
34
00:04:43,146 --> 00:04:46,776
I was bored and didn’t try anything
to get out of my boredom.
35
00:04:47,156 --> 00:04:51,198
I had stopped seeing in this world
anything picturesque.
36
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:53,863
At the most, the dreary apathy of theses faces…
37
00:04:54,155 --> 00:04:56,046
…could have been able to give me…
38
00:04:56,478 --> 00:04:58,166
…a little comfort.
39
00:04:59,371 --> 00:05:02,671
I liked thinking these kids
were older than me…
40
00:05:02,988 --> 00:05:04,612
…that their ways, their enthusiasms…
41
00:05:04,732 --> 00:05:07,417
…were comparable to those
I had experienced ten years sooner.
42
00:05:08,371 --> 00:05:10,503
I needed a breath of fresh air.
43
00:05:11,056 --> 00:05:13,239
Yet I was living in a wax museum.
44
00:05:43,652 --> 00:05:45,327
The times of “good old fellowship” were away.
45
00:05:45,447 --> 00:05:47,675
I was going to become a mere « bourgeois »…
46
00:05:47,916 --> 00:05:50,594
…someone being used, a « tourist »
as we used to call them.
47
00:05:51,216 --> 00:05:53,580
Because I was known in the neighborhood…
48
00:05:53,852 --> 00:05:56,346
…I was still experiencing a kind of privilege.
49
00:05:56,643 --> 00:05:59,296
But there was already a gap between me
and the new generation.
50
00:06:03,985 --> 00:06:06,497
What was she looking for in this place?
51
00:06:07,056 --> 00:06:09,312
Just like me, she didn’t seem ready
to live as a bohemian.
52
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:13,132
People in this place seemed to belong
to the same family…
53
00:06:13,252 --> 00:06:15,035
…but both of us were very different from them…
54
00:06:15,155 --> 00:06:16,533
…and this fact made us suspect to the others.
55
00:06:17,099 --> 00:06:19,751
I had the feeling she was as bored as me…
56
00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:21,731
…that we’ve got the same defect…
57
00:06:21,851 --> 00:06:24,234
…and owing to this I found her more attractive
58
00:07:20,438 --> 00:07:23,992
I was more and more suffering from being
as an outcast.
59
00:07:26,622 --> 00:07:29,231
All the tricks were good…
60
00:07:29,739 --> 00:07:32,573
…to try to maintain my unsteady prestige.
61
00:07:35,007 --> 00:07:38,408
I came with a friend of mine, a journalist.
62
00:07:39,197 --> 00:07:42,213
We pretended to study the youth
63
00:07:43,147 --> 00:07:45,512
..so that our presence was less strange.
64
00:07:47,071 --> 00:07:50,523
These tests were like a board game.
65
00:08:12,736 --> 00:08:15,711
Our explanations were of course fanciful.
66
00:08:16,309 --> 00:08:18,938
But we tried our best to be respectful of egos
67
00:08:19,233 --> 00:08:21,689
And everybody accepted to submit to our exam.
68
00:08:23,139 --> 00:08:25,911
It was fun and it made me feel comfortable.
69
00:08:26,337 --> 00:08:28,266
But it was also widening the gap…
70
00:08:28,643 --> 00:08:30,724
…between them and I.
71
00:08:39,422 --> 00:08:42,052
I felt like saying a last goodbye
to the people of the neighborhood…
72
00:08:43,012 --> 00:08:44,799
What was I waiting for?
73
00:08:45,703 --> 00:08:48,127
Was it because of her presence?
74
00:08:50,119 --> 00:08:54,363
I had discovered a few clues
showing her relationship was coming to an end.
75
00:08:54,973 --> 00:08:57,004
Our eyes met once or twice…
76
00:08:57,460 --> 00:09:00,516
…and I had perceived in her look
an obvious curiosity.
77
00:09:01,392 --> 00:09:03,392
I started…
78
00:09:04,083 --> 00:09:05,555
…to be hopeful.
79
00:09:06,345 --> 00:09:09,228
It was strange that our meeting
80
00:09:09,644 --> 00:09:11,065
- in a so small place -
81
00:09:11,623 --> 00:09:13,684
…did not happen before.
82
00:09:45,078 --> 00:09:47,312
Our first meeting was disappointing:
83
00:09:47,616 --> 00:09:49,413
It took place, by coincidence…
84
00:09:49,698 --> 00:09:51,200
…in psychological circumstances.
85
00:09:52,012 --> 00:09:54,284
I thought she had something mysterious…
86
00:09:54,924 --> 00:09:56,051
But maybe I was wrong.
87
00:09:57,217 --> 00:09:59,045
I was surprised by her trivial…
88
00:09:59,968 --> 00:10:01,776
…and prosaic answers.
89
00:10:03,268 --> 00:10:05,136
What I had called anxiety, deep torment…
90
00:10:05,570 --> 00:10:08,697
was maybe just a kind of indifference…
91
00:10:09,225 --> 00:10:10,840
…a kind of weakness of nature.
92
00:10:11,497 --> 00:10:13,650
But it was difficult to admit
I had made a mistake…
93
00:10:14,363 --> 00:10:16,455
…and I couldn’t resist the temptation
to seduce her.
94
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:19,196
Because of her lack of will…
95
00:10:19,696 --> 00:10:22,133
…I expected to conquer her easily…
96
00:10:22,798 --> 00:10:25,813
…and, hypocritically, I was satisfied.
97
00:10:30,949 --> 00:10:33,487
Indeed I despised her to be so easily bluffed…
98
00:10:34,114 --> 00:10:35,840
…as she should have despised me…
99
00:10:36,043 --> 00:10:38,368
…to be so cautious to seduce her.
100
00:10:39,119 --> 00:10:40,916
She had no confidence in herself.
101
00:10:41,402 --> 00:10:44,285
She was looking for someone
who would be able to bully her…
102
00:10:44,498 --> 00:10:46,372
…or at least be able to give her a goal
103
00:10:46,492 --> 00:10:50,260
- something she was unable
to discover by herself.
104
00:10:51,514 --> 00:10:55,047
On my side, I was just thinking
to adapt myself to her…
105
00:10:55,798 --> 00:10:58,905
…and to study her.
106
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:01,142
I was planning to do it in this way…
107
00:11:01,366 --> 00:11:03,660
…but I was the victim of my own imagination.
108
00:11:04,542 --> 00:11:07,679
The girl in front of me
was she really the same person?
109
00:11:08,218 --> 00:11:10,157
How could I be so blind?
110
00:11:10,710 --> 00:11:12,611
As a substitute to her
I fancied a creature of fiction
111
00:11:12,903 --> 00:11:15,329
- a sort of ideal woman
one could dream about at sixteen -
112
00:11:15,734 --> 00:11:19,024
I tried to speak when she was silent,
abusing myself on my own “construct”.
113
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:21,091
I was just expecting one thing from her:
114
00:11:21,211 --> 00:11:23,749
Not to demolish, by being suddenly frank…
115
00:11:24,044 --> 00:11:25,556
…my laborious « construct ».
116
00:11:47,948 --> 00:11:51,369
My only goal was to get married.
117
00:11:52,198 --> 00:11:53,995
I did not really care about her.
118
00:11:54,553 --> 00:11:56,573
I just wanted her to be here when needed…
119
00:11:56,916 --> 00:11:59,404
…in the place I had assigned to her
in the plan I had drawn up.
120
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:03,800
I thought that at my age I have a right to
what I stupidly called “love” or “happiness”.
121
00:12:04,425 --> 00:12:06,029
My only concern was my success:
122
00:12:06,283 --> 00:12:08,242
a match between the event and my views.
123
00:12:08,616 --> 00:12:11,002
I was not really surprised
by the easiness of my victory.
124
00:12:11,509 --> 00:12:14,677
I only wanted to see at work
the sign of a benevolent destiny.
125
00:12:18,317 --> 00:12:20,218
I only had to collect the ripe fruit.
126
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,005
All was in my favor:
127
00:12:22,214 --> 00:12:23,686
She had given up her studies halfway.
128
00:12:23,909 --> 00:12:25,919
She didn’t wish to go back to her parent’s.
129
00:12:26,127 --> 00:12:28,665
And she had just put an end
to her relationship.
130
00:12:29,437 --> 00:12:30,889
I was confident:
131
00:12:31,182 --> 00:12:33,974
she was impressed by the people I frequented
132
00:12:34,583 --> 00:12:36,309
- people I personally found boring.
133
00:12:36,612 --> 00:12:39,079
Her life was dull
and my friends were wonderful to her opinion.
134
00:12:39,643 --> 00:12:41,217
She arrived from her countryside.
135
00:12:41,337 --> 00:12:43,714
She had only met kids of her age
who bullied her.
136
00:12:43,927 --> 00:12:47,217
My concern for her
made her accept the idea of getting married…
137
00:12:47,574 --> 00:12:50,214
…in less time I would have thought.
138
00:13:25,860 --> 00:13:28,235
Why did she accept so quickly?
139
00:13:29,251 --> 00:13:31,281
Was she ambitious or venal?
140
00:13:32,024 --> 00:13:34,085
She could have found someone richer…
141
00:13:35,598 --> 00:13:37,943
Was it out of spite or out of boredom?
142
00:13:39,218 --> 00:13:41,350
Was it because she could not stand
my insistence?
143
00:13:42,203 --> 00:13:44,233
Because I knew, at least at that time…
144
00:13:44,597 --> 00:13:46,323
…how to get to her vanity.
145
00:13:47,490 --> 00:13:50,566
Did she stop believing in love
and ready to experience the worse…
146
00:13:51,125 --> 00:13:54,496
…did she estimate that her decision
was not so absurd?
147
00:13:55,389 --> 00:13:57,369
Did she plan to get advantage on the weakness…
148
00:13:58,141 --> 00:13:59,591
…she perceived in me?
149
00:14:12,351 --> 00:14:15,518
When I was at the top of my anger
I accused her of having yielded to despair…
150
00:14:15,638 --> 00:14:17,184
…and to the most sordid plan.
151
00:14:17,489 --> 00:14:20,027
I know for sure she never loved me.
152
00:14:20,815 --> 00:14:23,505
Her face was always expressionless;
she always expressed the same hostile passivity
153
00:14:23,972 --> 00:14:25,594
…and the same resigned laziness.
154
00:14:26,396 --> 00:14:28,650
She obviously loathed this marriage.
155
00:14:47,418 --> 00:14:51,905
And yet, no union had ever be made so freely.
156
00:14:52,386 --> 00:14:54,731
I always respectfully asked for her opinion.
157
00:14:55,159 --> 00:14:57,464
I respected her freedom just as mine
158
00:14:57,956 --> 00:14:59,499
Her agreement was boosting my pride
159
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:01,144
It was for me the most important thing.
160
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:03,150
What would be the next step?
161
00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:05,756
I was a little bit worried about our future
162
00:15:06,274 --> 00:15:07,736
…but I didn’t really want to think about it.
163
00:15:39,218 --> 00:15:41,137
How could I be so wrong?
164
00:15:41,257 --> 00:15:43,604
I believed a new era would come…
165
00:15:43,959 --> 00:15:46,629
…an era totally different
to what I experienced before.
166
00:15:47,449 --> 00:15:51,175
I was eager to leave
the neighborhood of my youth -
167
00:15:51,632 --> 00:15:54,221
a youth I was estimating dull and congealed.
168
00:15:55,054 --> 00:15:57,389
I despised people for getting stuck
in their habit…
169
00:15:57,785 --> 00:15:59,826
…for always experiencing
the same dull pleasures
170
00:16:00,161 --> 00:16:02,181
- pleasures I had been myself experiencing
for too long.
171
00:16:03,020 --> 00:16:06,232
I felt sorry for them…
172
00:16:06,710 --> 00:16:10,375
…totally devoted to
what I pretentiously called love
173
00:16:46,527 --> 00:16:47,827
Was I really in love?
174
00:16:48,172 --> 00:16:49,328
Today I don’t believe it anymore.
175
00:16:50,172 --> 00:16:52,385
Only my pride was at stake.
176
00:16:52,851 --> 00:16:54,730
I was proud to see on their face…
177
00:16:55,079 --> 00:16:58,703
…this benevolent irony that boosted my vanity.
178
00:16:59,923 --> 00:17:01,811
Their poorly disguised jealousy…
179
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:05,244
…was my best support…
180
00:17:05,731 --> 00:17:07,246
…my purest pleasure…
181
00:17:07,366 --> 00:17:09,438
…and maybe the whole reason of my happiness.
182
00:17:09,915 --> 00:17:12,368
Their jealousy was a sufficient judgment for me
183
00:17:12,723 --> 00:17:14,505
Nothing was sincere inside me…
184
00:17:14,625 --> 00:17:16,363
…except the pleasure I got from their judgment.
185
00:17:17,683 --> 00:17:19,815
I gave to me the right to despise my past life
186
00:17:20,244 --> 00:17:21,879
I was not seeing on which precarious basis…
187
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:24,254
…I was going to build my future life.
188
00:17:24,628 --> 00:17:27,704
I was not aware of the boredom which already
leaked out under our forced cheerfulness…
189
00:17:28,109 --> 00:17:30,931
and of the grin our smiles could hardly hide.
190
00:17:35,568 --> 00:17:39,345
Few months had passed since our wedding…
191
00:17:39,801 --> 00:17:41,994
…and I had to recognize the obvious truth:
192
00:17:42,847 --> 00:17:44,360
I had been wrong about her…
193
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:47,421
…in the same way she must have been wrong,
I guess, about me.
194
00:17:47,959 --> 00:17:51,705
We were the less compatible couple
in the world.
195
00:17:52,992 --> 00:17:55,165
We were still smiling at each other
by courtesy…
196
00:17:55,743 --> 00:17:57,955
…by habit… by pride.
197
00:17:58,697 --> 00:18:01,844
It was difficult for both of us
to admit our mistake.
198
00:18:02,742 --> 00:18:04,143
By fear of destroying everything…
199
00:18:04,478 --> 00:18:07,108
… I always postponed having with her
a straightforward discussion.
200
00:18:07,981 --> 00:18:10,818
I had hoped that our common life,
our household problems and our work…
201
00:18:10,938 --> 00:18:12,314
…would smooth our dissimilarities.
202
00:18:13,014 --> 00:18:16,773
I wished that she would say or do something
- in vain.
203
00:18:18,047 --> 00:18:20,372
I vainly tried to remember…
204
00:18:20,687 --> 00:18:22,240
…any sign of affection from her.
205
00:18:22,900 --> 00:18:24,646
She was behaving…
206
00:18:24,910 --> 00:18:27,329
…as if being married with her
should be sufficient for my happiness.
207
00:18:27,948 --> 00:18:30,019
But she made clear
there was no love between us…
208
00:18:30,449 --> 00:18:31,773
…and that there would not be ever.
209
00:18:33,309 --> 00:18:35,218
Other couples experienced difficult starts.
210
00:18:35,621 --> 00:18:39,343
My sin, my crime was to refuse
to bow to common law…
211
00:18:39,652 --> 00:18:42,850
and to believe that nothing else was possible…
212
00:18:43,074 --> 00:18:44,301
…outside of this crumbling fairy tale.
213
00:18:44,636 --> 00:18:48,047
To be friends or to appreciate each other
seemed to me not enough.
214
00:18:48,453 --> 00:18:52,129
I could not admit that fighting during years
to find happiness…
215
00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:53,397
…was better than experiencing
the most wonderful myth.
216
00:18:53,905 --> 00:18:55,854
After experiencing the top of my happiness…
217
00:18:56,189 --> 00:18:58,392
…totally focused on getting the best of it…
218
00:18:58,666 --> 00:19:00,615
…I started to perceive the slope
that led to misfortune…
219
00:19:00,825 --> 00:19:03,373
…and I was like fascinated
by its vertiginous curve.
220
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,286
It seemed already impossible to backtrack.
221
00:19:07,783 --> 00:19:10,128
We realized that we had nothing left to say.
222
00:19:10,422 --> 00:19:11,833
All our projects were stuck.
223
00:19:12,057 --> 00:19:15,418
Our apartment had the same cold appearance
since the first day I moved in.
224
00:19:16,434 --> 00:19:18,566
We were both living in a world apart…
225
00:19:19,236 --> 00:19:21,449
…in an incommunicable dream.
226
00:19:23,072 --> 00:19:25,560
What was her dream,
what was she thinking about?
227
00:19:25,783 --> 00:19:27,966
To her bad luck, to her mistake?
228
00:19:28,705 --> 00:19:31,351
Why didn’t she even try to accuse me?
229
00:19:31,558 --> 00:19:34,624
Why did she remain silent,
why was she so disdainful?
230
00:19:37,695 --> 00:19:40,598
I started to loathe her…
231
00:19:40,952 --> 00:19:42,955
…and I thought she started to loathe me.
232
00:19:43,392 --> 00:19:47,575
These barriers every couple has to overcome
at least once
233
00:19:47,981 --> 00:19:49,562
…blocked my horizon…
234
00:19:49,682 --> 00:19:52,334
…forever.
235
00:19:53,166 --> 00:19:55,332
When the first quarrels broke…
236
00:19:55,697 --> 00:19:58,499
…I felt like a relief, a kind of pleasure:
237
00:19:59,001 --> 00:20:02,605
these feelings were replacing my desire
to love and to be loved.
238
00:20:37,448 --> 00:20:40,311
If other people were quarrelling
and hypocritically reconciling as we did…
239
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:44,150
…I would have found that kind of behavior
vulgar and squalid.
240
00:20:44,799 --> 00:20:46,754
I found something virtuous and noble
in our quarrels…
241
00:20:46,874 --> 00:20:48,701
…when they were not.
242
00:20:49,063 --> 00:20:50,965
I had the feeling to live at last.
243
00:20:51,440 --> 00:20:53,115
Everything seemed to me better
than the boredom…
244
00:20:53,389 --> 00:20:55,450
…we were usually experiencing.
245
00:20:56,812 --> 00:20:59,015
I hoped that these petty arguments…
246
00:20:59,434 --> 00:21:01,391
…would clear the air.
247
00:21:02,345 --> 00:21:05,333
But i had the feeling that my fits of anger
were just momentarily suspended…
248
00:21:06,084 --> 00:21:09,769
…that I was going to be the plaything
of another unknown power…
249
00:21:10,401 --> 00:21:12,456
…and I was already anticipating
the thrill of it.
250
00:21:13,406 --> 00:21:16,827
I was in this state of mind
when I met this guy in the early winter.
251
00:21:17,051 --> 00:21:20,621
This young and highly rated critic
had asked me to write an article.
252
00:21:21,415 --> 00:21:22,552
I estimated his gift.
253
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:25,888
We had the same tastes
but totally opposed characters.
254
00:21:26,721 --> 00:21:29,604
This contrast, far from dividing us, helped us
to become closer.
255
00:21:30,008 --> 00:21:31,704
I was eager to stop thinking
about my own problems.
256
00:21:32,140 --> 00:21:35,907
I always liked to be with friends
different from me.
257
00:21:54,539 --> 00:21:57,249
Of course my wife did not welcome him…
258
00:21:57,534 --> 00:21:59,516
…just like all the people I introduced to her.
259
00:21:59,882 --> 00:22:02,703
Everything I was linked with…
260
00:22:02,907 --> 00:22:05,546
- my friends, my tastes, my cravings -
261
00:22:05,666 --> 00:22:07,353
…never found her approval.
262
00:22:07,652 --> 00:22:10,498
I was irritated but also flattered…
263
00:22:10,618 --> 00:22:12,871
…that she ignored others
just like she was doing with me.
264
00:22:13,084 --> 00:22:15,856
I knew that women used to like him
and I stood on guard.
265
00:22:16,303 --> 00:22:18,262
I was so utterly dismayed at that time…
266
00:22:18,506 --> 00:22:21,196
…that I was the plaything
of the most opposite thoughts.
267
00:22:21,663 --> 00:22:24,162
Sometimes I wished he would manage
to entertain her…
268
00:22:24,282 --> 00:22:26,038
…and to make appear on her face…
269
00:22:26,158 --> 00:22:28,696
…a smile I haven’t been seeing for months.
270
00:22:29,013 --> 00:22:30,879
Sometimes I rather hoped…
271
00:22:30,999 --> 00:22:33,023
…that she would loathe him…
272
00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:37,582
…that she would blame me for liking him
and do everything to break our new friendship.
273
00:22:38,676 --> 00:22:40,925
The latter wish was the one I had
deep in my heart.
274
00:22:41,164 --> 00:22:44,797
Unfortunately I got the feeling
reality would be the opposite of my desire.
275
00:22:45,163 --> 00:22:47,802
It was like testing her.
276
00:22:48,125 --> 00:22:50,736
If she cannot bear being with him, I thought,…
277
00:22:50,856 --> 00:22:52,907
…maybe nothing is lost.
278
00:22:53,394 --> 00:22:56,247
But if he has any hold on her…
279
00:22:56,499 --> 00:22:58,214
…it will definitely prove that our union…
280
00:22:58,549 --> 00:23:01,433
…was the saddest misunderstanding ever.
281
00:23:16,989 --> 00:23:18,938
I bet and I lost.
282
00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:23,172
My last hopes flew away
with my first suspicions.
283
00:23:24,342 --> 00:23:28,048
I was definitely full of hatred.
284
00:23:28,809 --> 00:23:32,061
Nothing could change it.
285
00:24:14,517 --> 00:24:18,357
That night, I realized for the first time
286
00:24:18,895 --> 00:24:22,280
…what was the exact nature of my anger.
287
00:24:22,996 --> 00:24:26,773
While everybody was worrying or plotting…
288
00:24:27,271 --> 00:24:30,079
I was focused on my jealousy and my despair.
289
00:24:30,523 --> 00:24:34,332
Because of her, because of him,
I started focusing on their complicity.
290
00:24:34,452 --> 00:24:38,523
Meanwhile, I could also easily hear
the impact of each bow stroke…
291
00:24:38,643 --> 00:24:39,991
…of each piano key.
292
00:25:34,723 --> 00:25:36,591
Music is a terrible thing:
293
00:25:36,850 --> 00:25:39,957
One said it calms, it ennobles: it’s not true
294
00:25:40,077 --> 00:25:43,409
Music can only give some excitement…
295
00:25:43,662 --> 00:25:46,734
…a pure and hopeless excitement.
296
00:25:47,423 --> 00:25:49,666
It strengthens your internal agony…
297
00:25:50,052 --> 00:25:52,702
…without giving you any help to end it.
298
00:25:53,533 --> 00:25:55,279
The impetuosity of this first presto…
299
00:25:55,604 --> 00:25:57,675
…was so close to my evening thoughts…
300
00:25:57,891 --> 00:26:00,814
…that it didn’t appease them…
301
00:26:00,934 --> 00:26:03,270
…but rather excited them.
302
00:26:03,798 --> 00:26:06,651
I knew I was waiting for something to happen…
303
00:26:06,771 --> 00:26:10,248
…something extremely violent and dreadful.
304
00:26:10,629 --> 00:26:12,192
Definitely, music does no appease.
305
00:26:12,756 --> 00:26:14,614
Like an alcohol or a drug…
306
00:26:15,031 --> 00:26:18,350
…it makes believe our meanest feelings
are great.
307
00:26:18,805 --> 00:26:20,825
Music can cope with our moods.
308
00:26:20,945 --> 00:26:22,978
It can lead them to insanity, to climax.
309
00:26:23,098 --> 00:26:26,592
But it can also make us slaves of them
310
00:26:27,349 --> 00:26:29,390
Nothing was important for me but my anger.
311
00:26:29,726 --> 00:26:31,878
I pampered it, I enjoyed it…
312
00:26:31,998 --> 00:26:33,452
…just like a first love.
313
00:26:33,868 --> 00:26:37,624
It was my only friend, my only support,
my only refuge.
314
00:27:15,423 --> 00:27:16,956
Between the triviality…
315
00:27:17,260 --> 00:27:19,618
…of the world where the others were rotting…
316
00:27:20,031 --> 00:27:23,371
…and the fascinating beauty
of the world my anger make me perceive
317
00:27:23,792 --> 00:27:25,335
…there was no debate.
318
00:27:26,107 --> 00:27:29,589
I had to give way to my anger…
319
00:27:29,903 --> 00:27:33,314
…and I had to follow its every whim,
its lower requirements.
320
00:27:34,358 --> 00:27:37,241
I had to obey to my anger
321
00:27:37,797 --> 00:27:40,776
…wherever and whatever it would require…
322
00:27:41,317 --> 00:27:45,439
…until madness… disaster… and even murder.
323
00:28:35,549 --> 00:28:36,619
She loved him.
324
00:28:36,957 --> 00:28:39,658
It was obvious even for someone blind.
325
00:28:40,187 --> 00:28:42,766
He was the only one she was smiling at,
looking at…
326
00:28:43,233 --> 00:28:46,350
…speaking to - with endearing words
she never used with me.
327
00:28:47,473 --> 00:28:52,227
He was the only one who can witness
her devotion, her joy.
328
00:28:53,247 --> 00:28:56,953
This could not happen.
329
00:28:58,050 --> 00:29:03,177
Yet it was taking place nearby me,
almost under my eyes.
330
00:29:29,253 --> 00:29:33,192
I stopped feeling remorse about my crisis.
331
00:29:34,082 --> 00:29:38,194
The only thing I knew was they would burst out
with more violence…
332
00:29:38,875 --> 00:29:40,022
…and would have no limit.
333
00:29:40,713 --> 00:29:45,129
Everything was a pretext for my anger
like the slightest absence or phone call.
334
00:30:17,524 --> 00:30:21,399
I would have liked to destroy her,
to crush her, to dissolve her…
335
00:30:21,859 --> 00:30:24,306
…until nothing would remain of her.
336
00:30:24,849 --> 00:30:27,966
But I knew it was not possible,
not yet possible.
337
00:30:28,699 --> 00:30:31,917
My anger was still not strong enough
to force me to do this.
338
00:30:32,325 --> 00:30:35,674
It was still circumscribed…
339
00:30:35,794 --> 00:30:38,620
…by a residue of will
even when I was going mad.
340
00:30:40,101 --> 00:30:42,550
She believed that I was acting…
341
00:30:42,954 --> 00:30:46,030
…that I wanted to frighten her -
whereas I was just ridiculous.
342
00:30:46,414 --> 00:30:48,170
I didn’t pay attention to the way she reacted.
343
00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:51,851
It was like the rehearsal of the final act…
344
00:30:52,257 --> 00:30:53,607
…that would happen sooner or later.
345
00:30:53,881 --> 00:30:56,562
It was something too important, too dreadful…
346
00:30:56,956 --> 00:30:59,047
…to burst out suddenly…
347
00:30:59,351 --> 00:31:03,027
…without any trial, any previous mistakes,
any remorse.
348
00:31:51,159 --> 00:31:52,570
Why didn’t she leave?
349
00:31:52,690 --> 00:31:54,286
I think I would have let her go.
350
00:31:54,641 --> 00:31:56,645
Did she refuse to take my anger seriously?
351
00:31:57,041 --> 00:31:59,366
Or was he manipulating her?
352
00:31:59,610 --> 00:32:03,082
Was she trying to be sure of his sincerity
before breaking with me?
353
00:32:03,770 --> 00:32:06,197
I got the idea she tried to play for time…
354
00:32:06,817 --> 00:32:08,695
…and that she was pretending
355
00:32:09,781 --> 00:32:11,294
Her way to pretend deceived me…
356
00:32:11,629 --> 00:32:14,370
…but reassured my rational side
at the same time.
357
00:32:14,739 --> 00:32:16,304
As matters stood…
358
00:32:16,424 --> 00:32:19,143
…the slightest spark could have all ignited.
359
00:32:19,549 --> 00:32:20,956
When I was quiet…
360
00:32:21,189 --> 00:32:22,885
I tried thinking about everything…
361
00:32:23,005 --> 00:32:25,737
(as both of us were apparently coping
with the circumstances)
362
00:32:26,072 --> 00:32:29,209
…that delayed the upcoming final burning.
363
00:32:41,523 --> 00:32:43,536
She promised me to stop seeing him.
364
00:32:43,895 --> 00:32:46,778
I was so naive I did not doubt her word.
365
00:32:46,898 --> 00:32:49,903
I believed she was not able
to deeply love someone…
366
00:32:50,309 --> 00:32:52,400
…or to be faithful to a whim.
367
00:32:52,924 --> 00:32:54,294
Thus I took her at her words…
368
00:32:54,528 --> 00:32:58,528
…and a visible peace prevailed
during a couple of weeks.
369
00:33:00,756 --> 00:33:03,103
Then I worked a lot…
370
00:33:03,467 --> 00:33:05,679
…and I often had to leave home.
371
00:33:12,813 --> 00:33:15,300
One evening I came back home unexpectedly
372
00:33:16,275 --> 00:33:19,373
I smelt a familiar odor of Turkish cigarettes…
373
00:33:20,189 --> 00:33:21,894
…and I realized the ashtray
was perfectly clean:
374
00:33:23,397 --> 00:33:27,052
I had no doubt she was acting.
375
00:33:30,917 --> 00:33:32,673
For me it was like taking a cold shower.
376
00:33:33,293 --> 00:33:36,714
But instead of getting angry
I remained perfectly quiet.
377
00:33:39,345 --> 00:33:40,929
As she was seeing him in our place…
378
00:33:41,203 --> 00:33:43,259
…it would not be difficult
to catch them in the act.
379
00:33:43,666 --> 00:33:45,440
I decided to pretend being joyful…
380
00:33:45,663 --> 00:33:48,445
…and she behaved likewise not to be outdone.
381
00:33:49,410 --> 00:33:51,134
She was acting so well…
382
00:33:51,622 --> 00:33:53,622
…it strengthened my previous decision.
383
00:33:55,855 --> 00:33:57,634
As soon as I got the opportunity…
384
00:33:57,754 --> 00:34:00,791
…I pretended to have a business trip.
385
00:34:20,044 --> 00:34:21,394
This was this very morning.
386
00:34:22,025 --> 00:34:23,709
The imminent outcome
387
00:34:23,963 --> 00:34:26,084
…brought back my former moods.
388
00:34:27,397 --> 00:34:30,204
I just feared my trick was useless.
389
00:34:30,931 --> 00:34:33,398
I could stand anything
but the failure of my plot.
390
00:34:34,304 --> 00:34:36,708
If I caught them in the act
it would be harrowing:
391
00:34:37,296 --> 00:34:38,862
Be It would the abrupt end of my doubts…
392
00:34:39,340 --> 00:34:41,969
…which had still survived against all reason.
393
00:34:42,893 --> 00:34:45,404
But nothing was more painful that these doubts
394
00:34:46,155 --> 00:34:47,973
And what can put an end to my doubts
395
00:34:48,490 --> 00:34:49,861
…except something irreparable?
396
00:34:50,976 --> 00:34:52,367
My pain was so strong…
397
00:34:52,905 --> 00:34:55,829
…I wanted to go far away and never return.
398
00:34:56,682 --> 00:35:01,317
Then I thought walking in fresh air
would make me good.
399
00:35:04,519 --> 00:35:08,133
For a minute I had the idea to jump
in front of a truck…
400
00:35:08,550 --> 00:35:09,890
…to quickly put an end to the whole story.
401
00:35:10,326 --> 00:35:12,034
But it would have been too easy for her.
402
00:35:12,950 --> 00:35:15,254
I didn’t care
about happiness or sadness anymore.
403
00:35:15,649 --> 00:35:17,771
All that mattered to me was to get revenge.
404
00:35:18,939 --> 00:35:20,553
What would happen next - precisely?
405
00:35:21,233 --> 00:35:22,341
I could not say.
406
00:35:22,869 --> 00:35:26,381
It would depend on them, on me
and especially on my anger.
407
00:35:26,757 --> 00:35:28,351
I knew that I would give way to my anger…
408
00:35:28,471 --> 00:35:30,148
…let it guide me…
409
00:35:30,268 --> 00:35:33,333
…and let it take all the necessary initiatives
410
00:35:34,094 --> 00:35:36,957
I had the feeling
he was a little bit stronger than me:
411
00:35:37,416 --> 00:35:39,749
It would prevent me
from fighting in cold blood…
412
00:35:40,147 --> 00:35:41,801
…and thus I could use any means.
413
00:35:42,231 --> 00:35:44,456
I would seize whatever I found…
414
00:35:44,576 --> 00:35:46,485
…a press book, a lamp, a chair…
415
00:35:46,708 --> 00:35:49,587
…or this dagger placed
on the shelf of the antechamber…
416
00:35:49,871 --> 00:35:52,663
…where the fight should take place.
417
00:35:53,714 --> 00:35:56,699
I would fight foolishly, like a madman…
418
00:35:57,263 --> 00:35:59,111
…without trying to hurt him personally…
419
00:35:59,231 --> 00:36:01,281
- I could never really hate him -
420
00:36:01,759 --> 00:36:04,632
…but because it would be
the natural consequence of my wrath…
421
00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:07,974
…because the dream I forged…
422
00:36:08,382 --> 00:36:11,742
…had to find in the real world its answer.
423
00:38:44,337 --> 00:38:46,309
He tried to avoid the fight.
424
00:38:46,783 --> 00:38:49,321
Everything was happening in an ordinary way.
425
00:38:50,891 --> 00:38:56,050
She kept on looking at me contemptuously…
426
00:38:56,170 --> 00:38:58,048
…not more scared than usual.
427
00:38:59,750 --> 00:39:02,590
My weakening anger had to quickly rise again.
428
00:39:02,940 --> 00:39:05,458
Soon it would be too late.
429
00:39:12,635 --> 00:39:14,873
It finally happened what I had thought…
430
00:39:14,993 --> 00:39:17,153
…but not in the way I had thought it would.
431
00:39:17,579 --> 00:39:19,673
What I dreamt to do…
432
00:39:20,018 --> 00:39:21,787
…being totally blind…
433
00:39:21,907 --> 00:39:24,100
…I accomplished it being fully aware
of my deed.
434
00:39:24,603 --> 00:39:27,507
These gestures that I imagined in my crisis…
435
00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:30,431
…I accomplished them driven by my will.
436
00:39:30,551 --> 00:39:32,760
At every moment I knew what I was doing.
437
00:39:32,967 --> 00:39:37,066
Everything was going in a necessary
and inevitable way.
438
00:39:37,186 --> 00:39:40,016
Nothing could stop me.
439
00:39:40,352 --> 00:39:42,044
As if this dreadful end…
440
00:39:42,164 --> 00:39:44,404
…justified, magnified…
441
00:39:44,524 --> 00:39:47,346
…all the doubts I had experienced…
442
00:39:47,895 --> 00:39:51,195
…during the whole process.
36542
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