All language subtitles for Big.City.Greens.S03E13.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH

(theme music playing)

(chicken clucks)

GRAMMA: Good to be back with my family.

Now that you've joined us
in the country, Ma,

I think it's time to give you and Remy

a tour of downtown Smalton.

I can't wait.
Downtown Smalton sounds so cosmopolitan.

Oh, you bet it's-- whatever that word is.

Oh, we're turning onto Main Street now.

Welcome to downtown Smalton!

And... that's it.

Okay, everyone out. Stretch your legs.

-Oh, Gramma, I'm so happy
-(grunts)

you came all the way out here
just to visit us.

Darn tootin'. Who's going
to look after y'all if I don't?

Indeed. It'll be great
to have you around again.

-(stomach growling)
-Sheesh.

You've been starving since I was gone?

Come on, why don't we head out

and I'll make you your favorite pie?

Actually, Gramma, you're in luck.

-We can eat here.
-GRAMMA: Patti's Diner?

You're going to love it.
Patti's an amazing baker.

Patti, huh?

Take it in, Remy.
Welcome to Patti's Diner.

The beating heart of downtown Smalton.

It's got everything!
Fine dining, live entertainment,

-fascinating locals...
-(wheezing)

And there's even a gift shop!

Ooh! I've been meaning to get
a country souvenir for Vasquez.

-I'm gonna go check it out.
-You do you, Remy.

Should I try the triple bacon burger,

or should I go healthy
and do the double bacon burger?

Gramma, you must meet the owner, Patti.

She bakes the best blueberry pie.

"The best"?

But nothing beats
my classic homemade pie, right?

-(both gasp)
-Booths are for paying customers only.

Patti!

Long time no see, Tilly.

You still remember our handshake?

How can I forget?

(grunting and vocalizing)

-TILLY: Oh, yeah!
-PATTI: Yeah!

-TILLY: Ring, ring.
-PATTI: Hello?

BOTH: Wink!

(both laugh)

It's good to see the Green family again.

And pardon my manners.
Tilly, I didn't know

you had a twin sister.

(chuckles) Oh, Patti, this is my gramma.

You've got some wonderful grandkids.

Can I arm wrestle you for them?
Ha! I'm just kidding.

GRAMMA: I will destroy this woman.

All right, lay it on me.
What are we eating today?

I'll start. I think I'll try the--

Uhp-bup-bup! Wayne!

As soon as I saw you all come in,

I went ahead
and started making your usual.

An open-faced liverwurst sandwich,
extra cold.

Oh, my usual. (chuckles)

You remembered.

You have a "usual"? I want one!

Hey, Patti Cakes. My usual, please.

You don't have a usual.

And if you ever call me
"Patti Cakes" again,

you never will.

Okay, what else we havin'?

-(stomach growls)
-That's tummy talk

for one slice of blueberry pie, please.

Ah, starting with dessert. I love it.

Miss Patti, another customer just ordered

the last slice of blueberry pie.

Ain't that a shame?

Well, let's go home

and I'll whip you up your favorite.

Oh, heck. For you, Tilly,

I'll bake a new pie from scratch.

Splendid. It'll be worth the wait.

And what can I get for you, ma'am?

I've lost my appetite.

And I'll have the meat-wich,
aka, my "usual."

Got it. One meat-wich coming right up.

(scoffs) It's not a usual
if she has to write it down.

Son, having a usual
isn't all it's cracked up to be.

When I first came here,
I ordered a liverwurst sandwich,

and I never had the heart
to tell Patti I hated it.

They just kept coming and coming.

Now I'm locked in.

Well, I'd be upset, too,
if my usual was liverwurst,

but a meat-wich is meat-tastic.

-I'll be fine.
-Sure you will, son.

Sure you will.

REMY: Ah, let's see.

Valentino, Vance, Vanessa, Vosco.

What? No Vasquez?

Darn! Well, no matter.

There's plenty of stuff here
for me to choose from.

I'm sure I'll find
the perfect gift for Vasquez.

Hmm.

This keychain
is perfect for holding my keys.

(groans)

This mug is perfect for holding liquids.

(groans louder)

This pen is perfect
for defending you from bad guys.

Hyah! (grunts)

Oh! There are just too many good choices!

Here you go. One meat-wich.

Mm. My usual looks mighty fine.

And, Tilly, I'm going to get started
on your blueberry pie.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Patti's pies are nothing short
of a spiritual experience.

She might just be my favorite baker.

Your favorite baker? Huh.

You know, since you love her pie so much,

I'm, uh, gonna go see how she does it.

They're gonna be friends.

Wayne, you seen my rolling pin?

-(loud bang)
-Huh?

I don't know you, and I don't like you.

-Okay.
-Now my Tilly seems to be mistaken

-about who makes the best pie.
-Okay.

So I challenge you to a pie bake off!

Then we'll see whose pie she likes more.

Are you sure you want to challenge me?

The only reason
you won all them competitions

is because I wasn't there.

But I'm here now, so preheat your oven!

You're on.

(gagging)

How's your usual treating you, sir?

-(groaning) So good.
-I'll leave you to it, then.

Wait, wait, wait.
Aren't you going to ask me about my usual?

I've never seen you order a usual.

In fact, I've never seen you.

I'm new. My name's Wayne.

Well, then, (sighs) Wayne.

It's short for "Duh-wayne."

Right. I'll have another meat-wich,
aka, my usual.

-One... meat...
-Ah, ah, ah!

The whole point of a usual

is that you don't have to write it down.

You just remember what I want.

Don't. Don't write it.

Wayne...

(stammers)

I'm just gonna draw a picture.

-(groans)
-Look, man, you're confused.

Just think: meat-wich. Meat-wich.

Which meat? Meat-wich! Got it?!

-Okay.
-Great.

Is he gone?

I got to get this out of my mouth.

-(gags)
-Gross, Dad.

Gotta get that crust nice and flaky,

just the way Tilly likes it.

(grunts)

Aw, blort. She's a pie-makin' machine.

Oh, Tilly, you deserve the best pie

to fill your empty little tum-tum.

I wish I could compete.

And I will, because I make Tilly's

favorite pie and she needs me! I hope.

You're gonna keep mumbling to yourself,

or are you actually going to bake?

I'd be more concerned about

that shabby crimping technique
you got going on.

Clearly, you don't know
what you're talking about,

given that you're practically
juicing those berries.

You ain't never had a juicy pie?

(scoffs) You can talk all you want,

but we'll see who's really the best.

-(bell dings)
-Sure will,

because it's time
to put these babies in the oven.

(groans) Need pie.

I feel you, sister.

I can't believe
I'm still waiting for my second usual.

-Where's Wayne?
-WAYNE: Here.

-(gasps)
-So, uh, don't get mad or nothing,

but I was having
trouble remembering your usual.

It just flew right out of my head.

I tried thinking of what you said,

something about which meat...
which is the meat--

The meat-wich, Wayne!

I couldn't remember,
so I brought you this!

-Wayne!
-Son, be patient with him.

That's the face of a man
who's doing the best he can.

I'm sorry. I'm afraid my brain

can't hold nothing more than a tune.

Oh, "a tune"? Like a song? That's perfect.

Maybe this little diddy will help

you remember my usual.

♪ Meat-wich! Meat-wich
Turkey and pastrami ♪

♪ Roast beef and salami
It's a taste tsunami ♪

♪ Only someone delusional
Wouldn't know it's my usual ♪

♪ Meat-wich! Meat-wich
Turkey and pastrami ♪

-♪ Roast beef and salami ♪
-♪ It's a taste tsunami ♪

♪ Only someone delusional
Wouldn't know it's my usual ♪

-Yeah!
-Wait, where'd Wayne go?

Meat-wich! Meat-wich,
only someone delusional

wouldn't know it's your usual.

Thank you for helping me remember.

(whimpering)

Ahh...!

Cricket Green has a usual!

Yeah!

Okay. Since I can't decide
on what souvenir

Vasquez would like the most,

I have decided to buy everything!

Do you offer gift-wrapping service?

(timer rings)

Well, Patti Cakes, you played a good game,

but it looks like it's all over.

(sniffs) Now that's a smell of victory.

Nice effort,
but, uh, here's the real masterpiece.

Yeah, well, looks are only crusty.

Here, try it for yourself.

Mm. (gasps)

♪ Pie-pie-pie! ♪

♪ Pie-pie-pie! ♪

Oh, wow!

Ahh! (grunts) Where am I?

Did you leave your body
and go to Pie Valhalla?

My baking seems to do that to folks.

This is bad.
If Tilly compares our two pies,

she's never gonna need me
to bake for her again.

So... I can't let Tilly eat that pie!

-I'm gonna smash that pie!
-I will break you, woman!

(grunting)

Yahh!

(grunts) Oh.

Ha! You're gonna
have to do better than that

if you want to beat... Uh-oh.

-Yahh!
-(grunts)

-(grunting)
-SAUL: My water!

Gramma? Patti? What are you doing?

(gasps)
Tilly! I challenged Patti to a pie-off

because you were gushing
about how good hers was.

But I make your favorite sweets,

and I'm the one
who's supposed to provide for ya.

You like my pie better, don't you?

Uh, Gramma...

Hey, guys, do you think we have room

in the Kludge for all of this?

Whoa! Oh, no!

The pie!

Yahh!

You sacrificed your pie... to save mine?

I'll be honest. I got jealous

when Tilly said
you were her favorite baker.

She's out here in the country now,

and things are changing,

and I was scared
she wouldn't need me anymore.

But regardless,
she deserves her favorite pie.

Oh, Gramma, I'll always need you.

Huh?

You don't have to bake my favorite pie

to be my favorite Gramma. I love you.

Well, now that we all agree
my pie is the best,

why don't you all dig in?

-ALL: Yeah!
-Swell.

Not you, Wayne.

TILLY: Ow, ow! Help!
(chuckles) Just kiddin'.

Here you go, Tilly.

I cut you a piece with your eyeball.

Thank you, Gramma.

Oh, I love pie.

Tell you the truth,
two meat-wiches was too many.

I'm pretty over my usual.

Uh-uh! There's no way

I'm letting you eat dessert
before you clean your plate.

BILL: I tried to tell you, son.

Having a usual is a prison with no escape.

And now we're in it together.

(evil laughter)

(evil laughter continues)

Awfully nice of you
to make eggs for everyone, Tilly.

"Everyone"?

Cricket, come down for breakfast.

Everybody, your attention, please!

Henceforth, Cricket Green's official look

will feature a bold new accessory.

Cricket, The T word
is not suitable for breakfast attire.

Oh, lighten up, Bill.
Cricket's expressing himself.

Thank you, Mother.

You always get what I'm going for.

Kids need to try new things.

I love your new look.

Well, actually,
this hat isn't my new look.

I just wore it
so I can dramatically reveal...

my rat tail!

-Oh...
-My...

(shudders) Guh...

Yeah, I've been secretly
growing this out for months.

It's both stylish and useful.

Observe! Excuse me, Miss.

Salt and pepper for your eggs? (grunts)

Hmm. They're perfect.

The tensile strength
on this baby is impressive.

That rattail is a true marvel.

Well done, son.

What about you, Mom?
What do you think of my rattail?

It's... different.

(chuckles) It sure is.

Bill, a word.

Okay, Bill, what are we going to do
about that rattail?

What's the problem? It's fine.

-(groans)
-Hey, weren't you the one

who just told me
to let Cricket "express" himself?

Are you sure you're not the one
who has a problem

-with Cricket's rattail?
-Fine. Yes!

I hate everything about it.

Even the name is disgusting.

"Rat tail." (shudders)

I should be supportive.

But if I tell him how I really feel,

I'd be just like my dad.

He always criticized me.

Hey, Dad, what do you think
of my new look?

Pretty cool, huh?

Pfft. Too big.

But it's oversized fashion.

Wah-wah!

You look like an idiot in those pants.

(whimpers)

His harsh criticism made me not like him.

I don't want Cricket to dislike me.

Oh, I know!

What if you told him
the rattail looks bad?

Oh, no. Don't rope me into this.

The way I see it, you've got two choices.

Tell Cricket how you really feel...

(groans)

...or learn to live with it.

(groans)

Sorry, Nance. It's one or the other.

Good luck!

Unless there's a third way.

(evil laugh)

-There's no third way!
-We'll see...

(Gramma humming) Hotcha!

Hm, not bad.

Morning, Mrs. Green. Whoa!

What kind of game are you playing?

"Game"? This ain't no game.

This, Remy, is knitting.

Ooh!

-Here! Now, try to follow along.
-Okay!

The sacred art of knitting
can take a lifetime to learn.

In fact, mastering
even the simplest stitches

-can often take a person--
-REMY: Done!

I make a kitty.

What? How'd you do that so fast?

I don't know,
but it could be because of these

gamer thumbs!

Stomping noobs gives me max dexterity.

Hmm...

Wait here one second.

The prophecy foretold I would one day find

a student worthy of this.

Remy Remington, you are the chosen one!

-I am?
-In accordance with ancient yarn law,

it is my duty to forge you
into a knitting master.

Let the training commence!

(squeals)

CRICKET: So, why did you
bring me into town, Mom?

Oh, I just thought it'd be fun to visit

our favorite place, the barber shop!

Eh?

Look at all these fresh styles.

Ooh, kind of makes you want to just

change your whole look, right?

Pfft! These are all ridiculous.

Nothing's as sophisticated as my rattail.

(chuckles) Yeah, good point.

(gasps) Say, there's the barber.

Let's see what an expert thinks
of your rattail.

Great idea. Hey, clipper man,

watch this!

Ee-ee-ee-ee!

Oh, my.

Yeah. Say you hate it.

It's perfect!

Everyone, come witness the boy

with the hair of an angel!

-Oh, I have to see this!
-(crowd exclaiming)

Son, that's the greatest thing
I've ever seen.

Oh, you're too kind.

Excuse me, sir.
I'm with the Hairstyle Gazette,

and I must shoot you for the cover.

-What do you say?
-If you insist.

Brilliant. Perfect.

Yup! Yes, sir.

Hey, you. give me that haircut.

I don't care what it costs.

I just gotta have it!

Okay, this is not helping.

CRICKET:
All right, everybody, one at a time.

You all get a chance to touch the tail.

Huh? Whoa! What? Hey!

What gives, Mom?

That crowd was getting too dangerous.

-Really, 'cause--
-Hang on!

-(tires squeal)
-CROWD: Aww...

Dang! They really liked my rattail.

Yup, they sure did.

(grunts)

All right, Remy,
are you ready to be transformed

from a doughy ball of yarn

into a beautiful sweater of a man?

That sounds lovely!

Let's knit to it!

-(grunts)
-Keep doing.

Power through those cramps!

Sneaky... beanie...

Surprise!

(grunts)

Scarf bomb Think fast! (grunts)

(grunts)

An infinity scarf. Hm. He is ready.

You have done well, my student.

Now, at long last, it is time for you

to take on the challenge
of the perfect glove.

"The perfect glove"? What's that?

A nearly impossible feat.

In all my days,
I've never gotten it right.

I always keep making them
with five fingers by mistake.

The perfect glove, huh?

Ha. How hard can it be? Ow!

-Hey!
-Be warned, Remy.

This path can break
even the toughest of yarnies.

If you're not careful,

the task will unravel your brain!

(gasps) No!

If a way exists, I will find it.

Okay, Nancy, think.

There's got to be a way

I can make Cricket decide

to cut the rattail on his own.

Citizen, you need to evacuate.

The moon is going to explode
in five minutes!

"Five minutes"?
But that's barely enough time

to drink this delicious
and refreshing Splish.

Oh, what a shameless plug.

Who in their right mind
would fall for something like--

Hey, Dad, do we have any Splish?

Hmm. So my son is influenced
by subliminal messages, huh?

(snipping)

Hey, Cricket.

Remy asked me to cut this yarn right here,

but I couldn't see the tail end
of why he needed them.

(chuckles)
So here I am. Cut, cut, cutting,

rat now.

-Tail.
-Huh.

Something on your mind, son?

I think I just realized
something about my rattail.

Hmm. I'll be back in a bit.

Whoo-hoo!
I successfully manipulated my son.

(chuckles) Doesn't sound great
when you say it out loud.

(dreamy music plays)

-(sighs)
-CRICKET: Hey, Mom?

Oh, Cricket.

What's going on, bud?

Well, actually, I've been thinking.

All that weird stuff you said about yarn

made me realize something.

As much as I might not want to admit it,

that rattail just wasn't me.

But this one is! (grunts)

NANCY: Oh, oh, oh, gosh.

Wow. I don't-- No!

CRICKET: Impressive, right?

I got Remy to lengthen it with his yarn.

So, what do you think?

L-long.

You're darn right.

Long enough to jump rope, I bet.

Did someone say "jump rope"?

Sure did, sister.

♪ Oooh, rattail, rattail on a rat! ♪

-♪ On a head ♪
-♪ Without a hat ♪

BOTH: ♪ R-A-T-T-A-I-L ♪

♪ Now it's time to ring the bell ♪

BOTH: Good night.

This can't be happening.

NICK: Oh, but it is, Nancy.

This rattail is just gonna get worse.

Tell him, Nancy.

Tell him he looks like an idiot.

(cackles)

Ahhh! (grunts)

Wow, she must really hate bells.

Hey, Remy,
how's that perfect glove coming?

(gasps) What in the world?

I can't... stop.

(groans)

I'm sorry. I couldn't do it.

Oh, no worries, Remy.

It's just too hard.

I thought you might be the one.

"The one." "The one." That's it.

-I understand it now!
-(gasps) Remy!

It was never about four or five fingers.

It was about one.
One thread. One piece of yarn.

I see everything.

Weaving together.

The single thread that binds this world.

Remy! You... you did it.

You are the true knitting master.

And this is for you.

(gasps) My liege.

Congratulations!

This is the best day of my life!

Eh. We need something to get those down.

Cricket, we need your rattail!

-(bell jingles)
-CRICKET: Coming!

(thunder crashes)

Everything I tried failed.

I'm gonna have to live with that thing

for the rest of my life.

Oh, I just don't know what to do.

Tell him his rattail stinks.

Dad?
-Do it, Nancy.

Criticize him,

just like I did to you!

Never. I'm not like you!

(evil laugh)

No. Only one thing I can do now.

All right, you horrible creature,

any last words before I snip snip?

-(jingles)
-My rattail. Nyeah. Nyeah.

(grunts) Ow! Ow!

Wait. Mom? What are you doing?

Well, I-- Aww.

Scissors? (gasps) Wait a second.

Were you thinking of cutting my rattail?

-No, I'd never--
-Admit it!

(groans) Yes. Okay,

I was gonna cut your rattail.

It's the most hideous thing
I've ever seen in my life!

Okay, first of all, ouch.

Why didn't you just tell me you hated it?

-(sighs) I'm sorry, Cricket.
-(bell jingles)

I just didn't want you
to see me as one of those harsh,

overly critical parents
like my dad was with me.

So you'd rather sneak up and cut my hair

in the middle of the night
than be honest with me?

Yeah. Sorry.

You disapproving of me once in a while

ain't gonna stop me from thinking
you're an awesome mom.

Plus, Dad disapproves of me all the time,

but I still like him.

(chuckles) Thanks, Cricket.

Just be real with me, okay?

I promise.

Bravo. Bravo. Bravo!

Mother and son reunited.

You know, to be honest,
I was kind of getting bored

of this thing anyway.

It's time to move on to a new look.

Check it. The mullet.

Son, I hate it.

Now, that's more like it.

♪ I got sweat in my eyes ♪

♪ Lost a bet and got bit
By a hundred flies ♪

♪ I fell out a big old tree ♪

♪ Hit every branch and
Scraped up both my knees ♪

♪ I got chased by dogs licked by a frog ♪

♪ Got a rash on my legs
Dropped a dozen eggs ♪

♪ I got splinters in seven of ten ♪

♪ And tomorrow I'll do it all again ♪